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It Won't Stop Until You Protect the Victims

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It Won't Stop Until You Protect the Victims It won’t stop until you protect the victims Complex divorces and suspicions/allegations of domestic violence Working group of complex divorces - multidisciplinary collaboration (CSMS) 2019 2019 CSMS, It won’t stop until you protect the victims. Complex divorces and suspicions/allegations of domestic violence. This book is a translated and slightly adapted version of the Dutch original: “Het houdt niet op, todat je de slachtoffers beschermt. Complexe scheidingen en vermoedens/beschuldigingen van huiselijk geweld.” The greatest possible care has been taken to make the book available and understandable for international readers. The CSMS takes no responsibility for the accuracy of the translation. This book can be distributed in digital form or hard-copy. No changes to the content are allowed, nor additions or omissions to the text or figures. The user may not use the work for commercial purposes. If you want to refer to this book, always mention the correct reference: "Working group of complex divorces - multidisciplinary cooperation (2019). It won’t stop until you protect the victims. Complex divorces and suspicions/allegations of domestic violence." Only refer to this book if you have read the entire book yourself. 2 Preface This book is about the absence of help for children and parents who are victims of domestic violence, after a divorce. There are erroneous thoughts about these victims and the situation in which they find themselves. As a result, they are completely abandoned. This is at odds with the aim that people have in the Netherlands to combat domestic violence and, in particular, child abuse. Imagine that you are treating a child who has been sexually abused by a parent and that this child is told that she needs to have contact with this parent who is also the perpetrator. The child vomits as a result of the distress. Or try to imagine that you are sheltering a woman who ended up in hospital after a punch from her ex. After years of domestic violence, she dared to take the step to achieve safety for her children and herself. She is afraid that her ex will kill her out of revenge, but every week she has to meet him at the mediator's office to make arrangements about the children. According to the Child Protection Services, this mother is engaged in a hate campaign towards her ex and the children will be better off with their father. What would you do if you were professionally involved in such situations? We (the authors of this book) shared our stories with other professionals and found recognition and support, but also a great sense of powerlessness. We discovered that our stories were no exception. The presence of a complex divorce context turned out to be a trigger for the application of the wrong theoretical frameworks, the use of wrong interventions and the taking of disastrous decisions time and again. This realization has led to the establishment of the working group on complex divorces - multidisciplinary cooperation (CSMS). We studied the guidelines and existing systems and compared them with the (international) scientific findings and the international conventions. This has enabled us to describe the current state of affairs and the reasons why victims are often unprotected. Our recommendations follow from these findings. We hope that they will be implemented and that we will achieve our goal of protecting and helping victims of domestic violence. 3 We have decided that anyone dealing with complex divorces should be aware of our findings and we have therefore written this book and opted for a form of publication that will be accessible to everyone. As the subject may be of interest to an international readership, this book is a translation and slightly adapted version of the Dutch original. The adaptations consist of explanatory notes to clarify the Dutch context and a number of examples with the same connotation that have been replaced by English ones. The working group consists of counselors and scientists. It was a deliberate choice not to associate names with this book. The intention is to allow science to do its work. Personal titles, opinions and personal experiences do not belong in this book. Moreover, on the internet (in blogs, social media, etc.) we came across blunt personal attacks on scientists. We found the tone of some of the pieces intimidating and the content inappropriate. Of course, there may be a discussion about the themes discussed in this book. However, we want to prevent the book from leading to unjustified personal attacks. We hope that any comments or discussions will take place with integrity, that they will deal with the content and that they will lead to (even) more insight into the theme. CSMS, May 2019 4 Contents Preface ..................................................................................................................... 3 1. Introduction ........................................................................................................ 11 1.1 Purpose ..................................................................................................................... 11 1.2 Method ...................................................................................................................... 11 1.3 Description of the content ......................................................................................... 12 2. Figures on divorce, distribution of care and domestic violence ............................ 15 2.1 Figures on the number of parental divorces .............................................................. 15 2.2 The distribution of care for the children .................................................................... 16 2.3 Figures on the number of complex separations ......................................................... 19 2.4 The figures on domestic violence .............................................................................. 19 3. Domestic violence as a cause of complex divorces .............................................. 22 3.1 Complex divorces require an explanation .................................................................. 22 3.2 Definition and nature of domestic violence ................................................................ 23 3.3 Causes of domestic violence ..................................................................................... 25 3.4 Consequences of domestic violence for children ....................................................... 26 3.5 Relationship between domestic violence and divorce ................................................ 28 4. Recognition of domestic violence as a cause of complex divorce ......................... 30 4.1 How seriously do people take domestic violence in complex divorces? .................... 30 4.2 Parental alienation ..................................................................................................... 32 4.2.1 Parental alienation theory ................................................................................... 32 5 4.2.2 Scientific status of parental alienation ................................................................ 33 4.3 Why is the idea of parental rejection so common? .................................................... 35 4.3.1 Behavior of divorced parents .............................................................................. 36 4.3.2 Acceptance ......................................................................................................... 36 4.3.3 Male-female balances ......................................................................................... 37 4.4 Gender differences in domestic violence ................................................................... 38 4.4.1 Gender differences in the prevalence of domestic violence ................................ 39 4.4.2 Differences in domestic violence between fathers and mothers ......................... 40 4.4.3 Gender inequality................................................................................................ 41 4.5 The three planet model .............................................................................................. 42 4.6 How perpetrators and protective parents are perceived ............................................ 44 5. Recognition of the child's experiences and interests ............................................ 46 5.1 The child's experience matters .................................................................................. 46 5.1.1 Children's experiences strongly determine what is in their best interest ............ 46 5.1.2 Unjustified assumption that parents can solve it (together) ............................... 46 5.1.3 Why the assumption of " always contact " is wrong ........................................... 47 5.2 It is difficult for children to talk about domestic violence .......................................... 50 5.3 It is difficult for professionals to talk with children .................................................... 51 5.3.1 Professionals often do not dare to talk about the topic ...................................... 51 5.3.2 The appropriate knowledge and skills are required............................................. 52 6 5.4 Children are often not believed .................................................................................. 53 5.4.1 Abuse can be unimaginable ................................................................................ 54 5.4.2 Children's statements may contain inaccuracies ...............................................
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