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Female Mascots Are Few and Far Between Morals, God and Sexuality

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Female Mascots Are Few and Far Between Morals, God and Sexuality 8 oPINION 11.13.07 The RetrIever Weekly Female mascots are few and far between Nick Jamison in fact, most food in general has an STAFF WRITER aura of gender-neutrality. I will admit some food leans one way or another, Since the start of my college career, like most red meats are masculine in the only food that has passed through nature and foods like yogurt and salads my digestive system more than Ra- have girlish undertones, but cereal falls men noodles has been cereal. Fruity into the "It's Pat" void. On a scale from Pebbles, Cheerios, Count Chocula: Smurfette to Arnold Schwarzenegger, yes, I've devoured them all. But after cereal ranks in at about a Boy George the many years of scrutinizing my back in his Culture Club Days, right cereal boxes and seeing many cereal smack in the middle. ads, something has never occurred to The last female associated with a me until recently. There are no female cereal I can recall was the Granny char- cereal mascots. From Toucan Sam to acter from the Golden Crisps commer- Tony the Tiger, breakfast cereal is a cials. She was a shrewd old cow, whose male-dominated market. pessimistic and egotistical outlook just Walk down the cereal aisle of any couldn't function with the easy-going, grocery store and you notice one simi- smooth 'Sugar Bear.' She was never larity between all of the cereal mascots: the protagonist, and she was never Y chromosomes. Count Chocula: male. successful in her attempts to keep the Trix the Rabbit: male. Snap, Crackle Golden Crisps all for herself. But even and Pop: all male. The list goes on. through all the turmoil and bad press, Over the years women have assimi- I salute you Granny. Granny tried to lated into sectors of society that were do for women and cereal advertise- once male dominated, but they haven't ments what Jackie Robinson did for even begun to crack the cover of cereal African Americans and baseball. She boxes. This can't be pure coincidence; tried to scale the walls of cereal mas- this can only be a result of double cot oppression set up by greedy bears secret market research. That means and authoritative elves. She is truly an somewhere at Kellogg's, it was decided American hero. that Toucan Sam would sell better than I imagine this trend can't go on for- Toucan Samantha. At General Mills, it ever, especially with the many different was established that Buzz (their bee feminine cereals on the shelves today mascot) could market Cheerios a lot that would benefi t from a womanly easier without a pair of 'Sugar Puffs.' caricature. Why Special K hasn't yet HELEN ZHANG — TRW For some products it seems obvi- slapped a matronly kangaroo named has lost his market appeal. It would be market where women rule. On pan- Jemina can share the breakfast table. ous that a mascot of a specifi c gender Kiko on their cereal box baffl es me. It's so simple for Life cereal to keep the cake days you have Aunt Jemina, But for that to ever happen, Kiko would sell better than the other gender. pure marketing gold. Life cereal could same script but change the character Mrs. Butterworth, and the Land will have to share the shelves with For example, Mr. Clean would make a use a womanly touch too. "He likes it! from Mikey to Michelle. O'Lakes Indian woman all sitting the breakfast boys club and that will horrible mascot for feminine hygiene Hey Mikey!" was the battle cry of Life I hope women will have their pres- at the table. It amazes me that ce- be no easy feat. products and Strawberry Shortcake cereal for many years. But Mikey is all ence felt at the breakfast table one day real can't benefit from some of the would be an awful choice to put on a grown up now and working as an ad- soon; and not just on days where pan- womanly vibes put out by pancake Remind Nick never to write box of power-tools. But cereal seems vertising account manager. No longer a cakes are being served either. Pancake mascots. One day I hope that Kiko articles when he’s hungry like such a gender-neutral confection; cute kid willing to eat anything, Mikey syrup products are the only breakfast the Special K Kangaroo and Aunt at [email protected]. Morals, God and sexuality are not mutually exclusive Samantha Manchester at all, repulsed me. ious, meek and submissive. When I came out of that room, If men and women could shake off CONTRIBUTING WRITER That was, until three suit-clad Yet to my fellow Mormon com- I went into sacrament meeting their guilt and fear-laden saddles and men showed up at my door in Janu- rades, I was found fabulous, exuber- and huddled up in the back of the start walking down the path toward Mormon women are not meant ary with a message to share about the ant, all-in-all a great example to the church, avoiding people. As the liberation, there would be more hap- to have lovers, and yet at least three Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day young women of the church. sacrament tray was passed around, piness and tolerance in the world. mornings a week I fi nd myself lying Saints. I thought it was a beautiful Am I not a great example of a hu- I thought to myself: “Am I worthy Masturbation and sex, whether it be on Mark’s mattress, slowly waking message, and the ideals of these well- man being now that I’ve found my to take the sacrament? Have I done heterosexual or homosexual, does up after a long night of physical in- groomed, overly friendly people ap- sexuality? Does physically pleasing a something wrong? Do I feel guilty, not limit us spiritually. Pornography timacy. He’s from the Netherlands, pealed to me in a way I never could man and likewise desiring his hands and should I?” I took the bread, the is a perfectly reasonable and natural and will be leaving in six weeks to have predicted. I found myself drawn on me diminish my morals, my sense body of Christ, and the water, the temptation. We are sexual creatures. fi nish his last semester of law school. to their image of exalted life the same of love and compassion? It is repeat- blood of Christ, and felt as worthy Short skirts and low-cut blouses, I will never see him again, and yet I way people were drawn to Reagan’s edly stated that the fi rst two great as I ever had. although sometimes distasteful, are give him everything I have inside of glossy, pro-suburbia campaign ads. I commandments are to one, love After showering together one similar to male birds showing off me. I pour my built-up database of was baptized into the church only a God with all your heart and soul, morning, Mark remarked sadly to colorful plumage to attract mates. desires, troubles, hesitations, and in- couple of weeks later, and in doing and two, love your neighbor as you me regarding the “God hates fags” Humans are animals. We, as a collec- hibitions at the doorway to his bed- so committed myself to a life of chas- would yourself. How does physically protests at funerals by saying, “I wish tive species, know this. So when are room. By the time we’re on his mat- tity and purity, planning to forever manifesting love for another weaken there didn’t have to be some kind of we going to face the fact that we have tress or against his one furniture-free exclude alcohol, marijuana, tobacco, either of these principles? law to prevent this. I wish we could animalistic urges, suck it up that we wall, I’m a liberated woman again. coffee, tea, and masturbation from The morning after Mark freed me all just rely on the good of human can’t have someone constantly pat- A couple of months ago I would my personal world. I entered a patri- from my life of repression, I caught nature, but we can’t. It breaks my ting us on the shoulder telling us, never have considered the prospect archal vacuum expecting to fi nd my a ride to church. I was wearing a heart, Sam.” “It’s alright, it’s all going to be okay of losing my virginity to a man who soul, and in the process lost a good knee-length black, pleated skirt, We’re all looking for someone to in the end...” and go in for the kill wasn’t my husband, let alone a man chunk of it. a sweater, and a long, black coat. I lay down moral framework for us, to already? who wasn’t my husband and who I lost my desire to write. I told walked in on a ‘talk’ about masturba- give us a set of rules that will set us Morals and physical pleasures wasn’t a fellow Mormon. Surpris- my dear friend who’s a lesbian that tion and pre-marital sexual relations, apart and allow us to feel good about are not mutually exclusive by any ingly, I was raised Atheist with two I rejected that part of her identity. I and how both are akin to murder in ourselves, our lives, and our futures. means. In fact, I’m of the belief that very liberal parents.
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