2622 W. Central - Suite 108, Wichita, KS 67203 316-612-0700 January 2016 Good Grief of Kansas, Inc. Website: www.goodgriefofkansas.org Email: [email protected] The Mask We Wear As we stumble through our I would clench my teeth as a display The mask had not been violently journey of grief, life lessons can of perseverance, and the muscles in ripped off my face but gradually come from the most unexpected my face would strain from this act. removed of my own accord. places. A couple of years ago I went As I continued pretending to be Although the scars remained, it felt to see Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “okay,” my grief was suffocating good to feel the air on my face Phantom of the Opera. I had always . As if trapped under ice again. What I learned from this been intrigued by the story, so experience is that as a society we on a lake, the emotions frantically seeing the play for the first time was still struggle with the subject of captivating. The Phantom’s name looked for way to break through. death. Using the analogy of the was Erik. He was a man with many Pieces of my mask began to chip Phantom of the Opera, imagine the talents, including music, away revealing the pain perspective of Christine as architecture, magic, and science. underneath. Like the phantom, I stood face to face with the Yet, despite these gifts, people were was afraid of what others might Phantom. To look beneath the mask afraid of him because of his think when the mask was lifted. of somebody grieving would be like disfigured face. To conceal his seeing our own mortality. Our mask Thankfully, there is a supportive identity, the Phantom wore a mask serves as a buffer between society environment where we can express and lived beneath the Paris Opera and the fear of death. At the same our grief. We can remove the mask House. time, the anonymity of a mask can of being “okay” that we wear in our protect us while we are grieving as Erik fell in love with an aspiring everyday lives. It is a comforting it covers the jagged edges of our young singer named Christine and sight to look around the room and emotions. Although it provides a began to share his musical gift with see that others have removed their coping mechanism, the mask will her. As he played for her beneath masks as well. It is this comfort that deteriorate and expose what it is the Opera House, Christine crept allows us to share our experiences underneath. It is our choice what behind him to remove the mask. and affirm our individual feelings. this reveals. It is by allowing these Slowly she reached around him until Through the experiences of others, feelings to breathe that the wounds she felt the cold texture on his face. we realize that we are not alone. of grief heal. As for the Phantom of Sensing what was about to happen, Attending a grief support group the Opera, the play ends and life Erik desperately turned to hide the also helped me to gain a new continues. One day I may look in the horror beneath. But it was too late. perspective on everyday life. After mirror and see that mask again. Looking into the eyes of the my first visit, I donned my mask Thankfully, Halloween only comes Phantom, it was impossible to tell again but with a renewed sense of once a year. who was more frightened. hope. I knew that I only had to wear By Michael Domingos, McKinney, TX, As I continued watching the play, it for a few days until the next Bereavement Magazine Sept/Oct 2003 I began to empathize with the support group meeting. The Phantom. I realized that I had not Prosthetic smile seemed to fit easier been that different from him. In the with each passing day. Each visit to months following my wife’s death, I the support group would bring would face the mirror each morning healing oxygen to the wounds and I, too, saw a mask in the beneath the mask. The muscles in reflection. While the Phantom hid my face relaxed from the twisted behind an expressionless piece of knots, an authentic smile ceramic, I wore a prosthetic smile to overpowered the cosmetic smile show that I was “okay”. that I had been wearing. Page 2 www.goodgriefofkansas.org 316-612-0700 Good Grief News

On Going SELF-HELP SUPPORT GROUPS You are welcome to attend any support group of your SCHEDULE OF GROUP MEETINGS FOR THE BEREAVED choice. It is normal to feel confused,

Mondays: 7:00 - 8:30 PM SOUTH WICHITA forgetful, crazy, lost and Grace Baptist Church – (1414 W Pawnee) alone, plus a wide range of Facilitators: Bob & Connie Westerfield other emotions. It may not feel like it just Mondays: 7:00 - 8:30 PM EAST WICHITA now, but it does get better . . . United Methodist Church, 2525 N Rock Road, Room A-3 let us help. Please commit to Facilitators: Cindy Swan attend at least three times.

The first two times may be Tuesdays: 10:00 - 11:30 AM CENTRAL WICHITA RiverWalk Church of Christ - Use South Office Entrance, Fireside Room (225 N Waco) difficult but you will begin to Facilitators: Marjorie Watkins, Jack Elder & Nada Canfield feel a difference in your grieving as you are able to Tuesdays: 7:00 - 8:30 PM DERBY share about your loss and Derby Woodlawn United Methodist Church - Room 15E (Woodlawn & Kay St.) other issues that come along Facilitator: Kathy Thomas at this time. You might want to visit Tuesdays: 7:00 - 8:30 PM WEST WICHITA Faith Renewal Church (formerly West Towne Baptist) - (2000 N Maize Rd.) several groups until you find Facilitators: Evelyn Reece & Carmen Suter the one you feel most comfortable with. Wednesdays: 7:00 - 8:00 PM CENTRAL WICHITA W.A.Y. Widowed and Young (Ages 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s) Nursery available for infants through age 2. Ages 3 and up welcome to participate in church Bible classes or teen groups RiverWalk Church of Christ - Use SW entrance door, Fireside Room (225 N Waco) BAD WEATHER POLICY Facilitators: Cathy Sexton, Frank Jarmer & Janet Cook No group meetings will be held: Wichita: If the Emergency Accident SUICIDE SURVIVORS CENTRAL WICHITA Reporting Plan is in effect.

Mondays: 7:00 - 8:00 PM RiverWalk Church of Christ - (225 N Waco) Use SW entrance door (door closest to the Outside Wichita: river). Look for the Good Grief sign on the door. If the door is locked, please knock loudly. Room 106. Please call the facilitators for more information or to make your reservation. Check with your facilitator. This group is for those who have suffered the loss of a loved one through suicide. Facilitators: Jim Yoder 316-727-0663 & Elaine Craft 316-706-7532 Never put yourself at risk. If you think the streets are too If you or someone you know is in need of help, be sure to contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-8255. dangerous to drive on, do not attend the meeting.

SCHEDULE OF REGULAR SOCIALS:

Thursdays: Lunch/Brunch at 10:00 AM Saturdays: Breakfast at 10:00 AM

Spears Restaurant Country Breakfast Cafe Spears Restaurant 4823 West Maple OR 2804 S Seneca Street 4823 West Maple Host/Hostess: Host/Hostess: Hostess: Janet Cook Chuck and Beth Holdeman John and Lois Pardee Good Grief News www.goodgriefofkansas.org 316-612-0700 Page 3 January 2016

Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat 1 2 OFFICE SUPPLY NEEDS: Envelopes: Breakfast 10 am # 6¾ Security and #10 Std Spears Restaurant

Pastel Colored Paper - Cream: 8½ x 11, 24 lb

3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Survivors of Suicide Brunch/Lunch 10 am W.A.Y. Group 7:00 pm Spears or Country Café Breakfast 10 am Spears Restaurant

TLC Meeting - RWCC 5:00 PM

10 11 12 13 14 15 16 Survivors of Suicide W.A.Y. Group 7:00 pm Brunch/Lunch 10 am Breakfast 10 am Spears or Country Café Spears Restaurant

17 18 19 20 21 22 23 Survivors of Suicide W.A.Y. Group 7:00 pm GG Board Meeting Brunch/Lunch 10 am Breakfast 10 am 5:00 PM - GG Office Spears or Country Café Spears Restaurant

Martin Luther Kind Jr. Day

24 25 26 27 28 29 30 W.A.Y. Group Survivors of Suicide Brunch/Lunch 10 am 7:00 pm Breakfast 10 am Spears or Country Café Spears Restaurant

31 Good Grief making a difference… Recent letter received with a generous donation.

“… My Mother lost my Father in 2005. After attending your organi- zation she was able to start under- On Memory standing that the emptiness, heart pains, etc. were normal after los- When you remember me, it means that you have carried ing the love of your life. She something of who I am with you, that I have left some mark of thought she was having heart who I am on who you are. problems and after talking to oth- It means that you can summon me back to your mind even ers she found out that the pain though countless years and miles may stand between us. was grief. Thank you for helping her when It means that if we meet again, you will know me, and hear she needed someone to under- my voice and speak to me in your heart. stand. I truly believe in what your organization does and hope this For as long as your remember me, I am never entirely lost. donation might help in some by Frederick Buechner way.” Page 4 www.goodgriefofkansas.org 316-612-0700 Good Grief News

Contributions for last month(s) totaled $3,349.00 January THANK YOU for your donation which makes it possible for Good Grief of Kansas to continue to serve the bereaved.

December Memorial Gifts Contributors: In Loving Memory

Angel Evans Vicki Blantnick ...... 2 Gabriella Gach ...... 3 Michael Bayouth By Robbie Evans Tamara Kelley ...... 5 Dave Bloir Maxine Hilton Don Roberts ...... 5 Bill Bobbitt By Larry & Glenda Peterson Bill Oswalt ...... 7 Kenneth Bradford Vincent Stang ...... 7 Bill Crow Gilbert F. Selsor Carmen Churchman .....8 Janet Cunningham Heaven’s Date Dean Owens ...... 8 January 28, 2008 Rob Evans By Debra A. Selsor Lori Deza ...... 11 Donna Garver Jan Ross ...... 12 Chuck Holdeman David Sommerhauser Janet Cook ...... 13 Gabriela Huber Born 9/2/1992 - Died 11/1/2010 Kathy Quick ...... 15 Darcy Alexander ...... 17 Betty Life By Elizabeth Sommerhauser Ginny Charles ...... 17 Ted McMurphy Robert B. Stanek Rosemary Uhlenhop ...17 Jack Nelson Marjorie Watkins ...... 18 Larry & Glenda Peterson By Carolyn Stanek Lila Price ...... 19 Richard & Karen Powell Gail Hatcher ...... 21 Norman Ritter Memorial tributes and gifts always welcome. Lois Pardee ...... 21 Brook Sanders Note: For memorials with a special remembrance date, submit information DeeAnn Fahnestock ....23 Debbie Selsor one month early for timely publication. Jana Finkbiner ...... 23

Elizabeth Sommerhauser Judy Berg ...... 24 Carolyn Stanek Love Gifts Krista Hacker ...... 26 At this time there are no dues or fees to Carmen Suter belong to Good Grief. However, your gift Linda Riley ...... 26 is very important. We depend on Gil Wooten donations from individuals and Dave Bloir ...... 27 organizations to meet our program expenses and to keep the Good Grief Joan Ellis ...... 27 office open. Please help make sure that others who need Good Grief will Karen Gooch ...... 27 hear the message that we can and will Fred Silver ...... 27 South Group help them through their grief. Gifts may be designated in honor or memory of a Anne Harper ...... 29 Cash Donation special individual or occasion. We also appreciate monetary gifts to help with Janet Phelps ...... 30 November 2015 the expense of producing and mailing this newsletter. Janet Sanford ...... 30 Good Grief News www.goodgriefofkansas.org 316-612-0700 Page 5

Just Sit With Me This article should be in the hands and hearts of everyone who want to be a grieving, healing partner for someone who has suffered a loss. It is for those who “get it” to the extent they can and for those who don’t “get it,” but still want to help. As we all know, a hug, a heartfelt handshake, a silent partner can do much for our healing and our hope. In the end, we all grieve alone, but to have partners in healing can go a long ways towards helping us recapture our smiles and bring our loved one’s lives back to us.  Know that you have incredible power. Your support today, , and forever will be paramount to our healing. Stick with us and you will see our smiles return.  Understand that our grieving and healing will never end. We will never be over it or completely healed. We will grieve the death of our loved ones forever, but it doesn’t mean we need to lead a grief-stricken life. That is where you can help.  When we talk about our pain and our tears flow, don’t try to make them go away. They are doing good things for us. Our tears are lie the steam valve on a pressure cooker. We need them as a way of releasing our suffering.  We know we scare you at times, because we are so distraught, but don’t look at us as a problem to be fixed so you will feel better. Don’t make our healing about what is best for you: We know you want to help, but advice and “should dos” only invalidate our feelings and push us away.  Don’t try to change us. We will never be the person you once knew – too much has happened to us. Let us be who we are, a grieving, healing person who one day will be similar to that complete person you knew. We want to feel better, we are looking for answers where sometimes there are none. Be patient with us, we know we can be frustrating for you. You may think we are not trying, but we are, with all our might, all of the time.  Be an empathetic listener. There is incredible power in saying nothing. Don’t feel like you need to fill the silence with words. A gentle hug, a hand held, a simple not of the head says you care.  We will never stop missing our loved one. We think about him just as often as you think about your loved ones who are alive. And that is the way it will always be. If you see us out to dinner or at the show, dancing and smiling, don’t think we have healed and no longer need you. Those are our masks. Like any deep wound that scars over, the pain of that wound lives in us forever and stays with us.  We love to talk about our loved ones. They still live. Not like they used to, but their spirit and life force live within us, and we love hearing their names spoken and your stories about their memories validate their lives. If we cry when you talk about them, you didn’t cause our tears. Those are tears from a grateful heart, because you remembered our loved ones.  Our loved one’s birthdays and death dates are days we will never forget…ever. You can never remind us they died, but you can remind us they lived through your sharing. You have the power to help us heal by acknowledging those days with a card or a call. Whether it is our first year, your tenth or thirtieth year without our loved ones, when you contact us, you are remembering their lives and that is powerful to us.  We know that you hurt, too. The loss of a loved one was a loss for you also. We can help each other heal by staying involved in each other’s lives.  If you are reluctant to call or come by, don’t be afraid of us. When you show up, you show you care. Even if all you can do is cry in our arms or over the phone, it helps us to know your tears are for us. That helps us heal, and you, too.  Finally, if you are a healing partner who can stay with us forever, we will never be able to put into words how grateful we are for your support. When we smile a genuinely happy smile as our lives heal, much of that joy will be because of you. You have that kind of power and we, and our loved ones, will be eternally thankful you had the courage, strength, and most of all, patience to wait for us to return. by Rob Anderson Page 6 Good Grief News www.goodgriefofkansas.org 316-612-0700

Beatitudes For Those Give It Time Who Comfort Give it time, Blessed are those who do not use tears to Give it time, measure the true feelings of the Give your lonely heart some time. bereaved. In your deepest depths of sorrow Blessed are those who do not always When your soul cries out for mercy; have a quick “comforting” answer. In the grip of fear unyielding When the sun shines always black, Blessed are those who do not make Give it time. judgments on the bereaved’s closeness to

God by their reaction to the loss of their In the ravages of chaos loved one. When you think that you will die, Blessed are those who hear with their Let your pain come screaming out, Let the world know you hurt, hearts and not with their minds. And give it time. Blessed are those who allow the bereaved enough time to heal. Give it time, Give it time, Blessed are those who admit their Give your lonely heart some time. uncomfortableness and put it aside to help the bereaved. As joy peeks from the darkness And your tears turn to a trickle; Blessed are those who do not give When you feel a touch of comfort unwanted advice. And your heart begins to heal, You gave it time. Blessed are those who continue to call,

visit, and reach out when the crowd has When your memories form a smile dwindled and the wounded are left And your child’s life is what you see; standing alone. When joy comes into focus Blessed are those who know the worth of And laughter’s in your soul, each person as a unique individual and You gave it time.

do not pretend that they can be So, if you think your heart’s forever replaced or forgotten. broken Blessed are those who realize the And hope a long lost friend, fragility of bereavement and handle it Give it time, with an understanding shoulder and a Give it time, Give your lonely heart some time! loving heart.

By Jackie Deems By Rob Anderson Geneva, Illinois Good Grief News www.goodgriefofkansas.org 316-612-0700 Page 7

January 1 - everyone who participated in the DILLONS COMMUNITY REWARDS

Dillon's Community Reward Program Dillons Plus Card Instructions must Re-enroll. Step 1: Go online to www.dillons.com Step 2: (If you already have an online account In 2015 Good Grief had 28 households participate. Let’s please go to instruction below.) see if we can double that number. All you need is name/ Click on Community/then Community Rewards. Click address/phone/email/which Dillon's you shop at. Follow on Create Account, enter email address and the directions in the next column over. password, select preferred store, then click on ************* create account at the bottom of the page. ** UPDATE * * UPDATE * * UPDATE ** Step 3: Add Dillons Plus Shoppers Card - Enter the 12 digit number from the back of your Dillons Plus An Email from Dillons was just received in the Good Card or alternate phone number and your last Grief Office. The following information was shared in name, then click on save. that email about the Community Rewards Program. If Step 4: This will bring up Account Summary page, you signed up in 2015, you should be receiving this scroll to bottom of page and at Community update email with these instructions for a simple Rewards, Click Edit button. update to this fund raising program which Good Grief Step 5: You will be asked your organization number - participates in. If you have not signed up yet, be sure enter 10192 or Goo to see organization name, to do so by following the instruction to the right. select, then click on “enroll to complete your enrollment”. You are done! Every time you use your READ ~ READ ~ READ Dillons card, your total $$’s will be credited to Good An email will be sent out sometime today to all customers Grief of Kansas. Ask your friends & family to select enrolled in Community Rewards who have opted-in to us too! receive digital communications. There are a couple of Already have a Dillons Account? benefits to using the email to fulfill the re-enrollment Step 1: Go online to www.dillons.com process. Step 2: Click on Community/then Community a) The email gives the customer two choices, either “Keep Rewards Current Organization” or “Edit Current Organization” by Step 3: Sign In - enter email and password, then selecting the appropriate box in the email. enroll now. b) Their selection will be saved until the new cycle begins Step 4: You will be asked your organization number - on January 6th, 2016 eliminating the need to visit our enter 10192 or Goo to see organization name, website after the first of the year. select, then click on “enroll to complete your enrollment”. You are done! Every time you use your c) The customer is not required to log-in to their digital Dillons card, your total $$’s will be credited to Good account to make this selection, because the email is being delivered to the address they supplied when they created Grief of Kansas. Ask your friends & family to select their digital account. us too! If you have any problems, please call the Good Grief ...we hope that this will help your supporters out in the re- office and leave a message. More details may be enrollment process this year. found on the Good Grief website.

I Want To Help Support Good Grief of Kansas Enclosed is a memorial gift in memory of (Name) ______

Enclosed is my tax-deductible gift in the amount of $ ______

Enclosed is my monthly support of:

$20 ___ $25 ___ $50 ___ $75 ___ $100 $ ______I would like more information Send Memorial acknowledgment to: My phone # is ( ) ______Name ______My Name ______Address ______Address ______City, State, Zip ______City State, Zip ______NON-PROFIT Good Grief News ORG. U.S. Postage Good Grief of Kansas, Inc. PAID 2622 W Central - Suite 108 WICHITA, KS Permit No. 426 Wichita KS 67203

Good Grief RETURN SERVICE REQUESTED of Kansas, Inc.

www.goodgriefofkansas.org 316-612-0700 Good Grief News

Executive Board Program Outreach: This agency uses the Kansas relay service. Terry Stephens, President TDD 1-800-766-3777 Rick Cline, Vice President  Widowed Support Group Kelly Blades, Secretary  Suicide Loss Support Mary Evans, Treasurer Other Adult Family Loss  Good Grief of Kansas, Inc. does not Board Members Program Director Support (parent/child) Marilyn Nichols Janet Cook discriminate on the basis of race, religion, Merri Reed  Social Support color, national , sexual orientation, sex, Ted Swan  Seminars/Workshops age or disability. If you feel that you have Founder  Community Presentations been discriminated against, you have the right Phyllis L. Gadaire-Sauer  Counseling Referrals to file a complaint with Good Grief of Kansas, Office Manager Inc., at 316-612-0700 or with SCDOA/CPAAA Donna Rhodes

Trainers, Facilitators & Substitutes* Good Grief of Kansas is a TAX EXEMPT non-profit 501(c)(3) organization Teresia Burnham* Mary Piotrowski * funded by: Nada Canfield * Evelyn Reece Marge Glazier Susan Childs* Cathy Sexton  Memorials, Gifts & Donations Janet Cook* Debbie Selsor* Elaine Craft Carmen Suter Thomas Downer Cindy Swan Jack Elder Kathy Thomas To be REMOVED from this mailing, Helen Fieandt* Marjorie Watkins call 316-612-0700 or Frankie Francel* Melissa Warnken* Betty Kelley* Bob Westerfield email your name and address as it Beth Holdeman Connie Westerfield appears on your mailing label to Frank Jarmer Bonnie Workman* [email protected] John Pardee Jim Yoder and put “remove from mailing” Lois Pardee Century 21 Grigsby in the subject line. Cell 316-648-7415 Newsletters may be viewed Mission Statement: Office 316-978-9200 Good Grief of Kansas provides grief support for on-line by going to persons who have lost a loved one through death. www.goodgriefofkansas.org. Marge Glazier, Broker Associate