Baitin’ You Into Starting Race Wars Since 1982 In This Issue: Volume 83 Compton Bitching, The Administration Pitting Students Against Students, Speech Impediments, Actual Science, The Koala Issue 2 Being The Most Read College Publication In The World Thanks to The BSU WANT SOME MORE NOW THAT I HAVE CONTENT? YOUR FUCKING GO TO ATTENTION HTTP://THEKOALA.ORG We’re at a cusp. There are basically only 2 parties involved in this bullshit that’s been sweeping our campus (well, 2.5, WANT TO BE OFFENDED SO but I digress). On the one hand, we have the administration. DEEPLY THAT YOU HAVE A They’re doing a pretty good job playing the role of, well, the administration. They come out and condemn, they spout off LIST OF 32 DEMANDS? platitudes about rights, and safety, and equality...but they’ve always said that, right? Clearly, if they were concerned with any of those things, all the dark folk at UCSD wouldn’t be hav- ing a shit fit over the fact that essentially, no one who gets paid COME TO A MEETING. a salary to be a pencil-pusher gives two flying shits about them. On the other hand, we have the students. Yeah, sure, some of FRIDAYS AT 4:20 IN THE MEDIA the students are pissed, but if you’re reading this you’re likely one of the thousands of students at UCSD who either doesn’t LOUNGE ABOVE AS SOFT really know what to think or doesn’t really give a shit. Techni- cally, there’s another group involved, and that’s AS, but let’s be RESERVES. SO FUCKING real they’ve basically demonstrated themselves as the lap-dogs of the administration since their fucking inception. SOFT, YOU’LL THINK IT WAS I think the point to take away from this explanation is hidden in CHANCELLOR FOX’S GOBBLE. plain sight. It’s so ludicrous for people to look at the apathy at UCSD and explain it away as ignorance (or as one person put it “not ignorance but stupidity”). What the fuck does it say about PS. CHANCELLOR FOX HAS your university if 23,000 out of 24,000 students don’t really give a shit? I’m not buying the stupidity/ignorance argument. What PARKINSON’S DISEASE. AIN’T I’m about to say is some future shit. We live in a post-racist world. It’s not so much that racism doesn’t exist, but that rac- THAT A BITCH? ism in the retarded ways it existed before doesn’t exist. We’re uncomfortable talking about these old retarded ways simply because we don’t have an outlet. Compton Cookout? An outlet. Staff Box The Koala? An outlet. White Supremacist Kris John Gregorian The reason why everyone, BSU-ites and frat boy alike, feel so fucking disenfranchised is because THE UNIVERSITY DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT US. They were so surprised a party was even Old Money Republicans thrown that when the prospect that this party (GASP) offended Wesside, Ricky Ricardo, Boss DJ, Bitch ‘Tacular people, they were at a loss. Chancellor Fox came out looking like the fucking zombie that she is just to tell us, “uh, well... New Money Democrats huh? What? Yeah, whatever, done.” Y.Fever, T.Disco, Armen, A Suka, David the Carpentar, Frankie Nine Inch, Jackson Hole, SamSkillz, SDSU Koala, Finding El Nemo, Grand Slam, Way After 48,000 downloads of the latest issue and over 150,000 hits Down Lo on our website it dawned upon me: UCSD students don’t really have a voice because we’re not really sure what we think. The Disenfranchised Black People Koala? We know. It’s all about the fucking beer. Davey G, Stevie Why, B-Rad, the L-Word, MamaPimp, Sours, Milk, E-Dogg, Jer, T-Bone, Barton, Marcus, Yours, Paula K., Eugene, Dirty, Moximo, Aaron Kris Gregorian White Supremacist Extraordinaire/Editor-in-Queef Haitian THE MOTHERFUCKING KOALA Nicholle Pierro (She’s a black girl, we swear! Look her up on facebook) p.s. That Kool Aid n’ Chicken part by the Black Alumni Associa- The Koala has never stopped meeting Fridays at 4:20pm, in the Media tion is real. Irony? Lounge (above Soft Reserves). It was another usual, dreary Monday night at the weekly Student Org Funding Advisory Board meeting. The MQ had just asked us to fund a smorgasbord of butt plugs and pocket pussies for “stress relief” during their production nights. They were offering to demonstrate the relax- ing effects of a well-placed finger on an engorged prostate when The Koala sauntered in. Their voices were 3 octaves higher than usual, having availed themselves of the 50 pound helium tank bike-locked just outside the office. Their demanding squeeks turned into deep gutteral barks that unleashed a deep torrent of pleasure in my loins. We finished deliberating with those morally abhorrent degenerates at the Koala feeling violated and drained. As I shuffled my papers, the senator across the desk from me gave a knowing smile and slapped down a large glass pipe and a bag of white powder. The next thing I knew, I was ripping a glass dick full of dirty mexican ice wishing the good senator would let me toke on his meat spoon. I looked behind, right as another strapping young senator whipped out his fleshy trident and entered my welcoming ruby starfruit. It was party and play in the Price Center. He grabbed my hair, pulling me back and whispered gently in my ear, “This publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of The Koala, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by The Koala are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.” then we zero-funded those assholes because no one likes their shitrag anyway. Utsav Gupta’s Top Five Lisps 2.The guy who sold me the fish head soup, he smiled at me when I took the first sip Top 5 reasons for the Black 3. My accountant, he smiled at me when I signed over my power of attorney Student Union to “declare a state 4. The guy at the toy store, he smiled at me of emergency” when he sold me the doll made of “real” 1.We recently confirmed that the Compton sawdust Cookout was held at night, the blackest 5. The girl at the cell-phone store, she smiled time of day. This is too much. STATE OF at me when I asked if I could cancel my plans. Top 10 black history month EMERGENCY!!! 6. Gnoh Lei...The most truthful Asian. pornos 2. How come every tire on every car at 7. Dead ones. 1. Notorious...ly B.I.G UCSD is black? Is it because the white man 8. Virginia Tech shooter- has a high enough 2. Compton Cockout thinks things that carry him around should be kill/death ratio to call in a tactical nuke. 3. Black on black violations black? STATE OF EMERGENCY!!! 9. Peter Nguyen- Odds are one of the 5. Malcom XXX 3. Why are all the edible seeds in watermelons multitude is trustworthy. 6. 2 babies 1 foodstamp white and the ones that taste bad are black? 10. The old couple responsible for pressing 7. Straights outta’ Compton STATE OF EMERGENCY!!! Chancellor Fox’s pant suits, working round the 8. 40 bitches and a mule 4. Why is fried chicken only good if it’s WHITE clock since she moved here. 9. Martin Luther Kinky on the inside?! STATE OF EMERGENCY!!! 10. White Men Can’t Spunk. 5. The campus is too close to the ocean Top 5 reasons why your mother creating a clear and present danger to all Black students... STATE OF EMERGENCY!!! never talked about her college Top 5 reasons the noose was days green Top 5 ways to increase the 1. Where do you think The Koala got its 1.Can we just leave color out of this? content from back in 1982? 2.Green is what you get when you try to dye number of African Americans at 2. Same reason your pops never talks about a noose in UCSD colors. UCSD boyscouts. 3.Supposed to be a “Support Our Troops” 1. Ship in more from the Ivory Coast. 3. Shes just gonna let your half brother Jamal noose. 2. Well for the ones we have now- chain them do all the talkin for her. 4.Well...yes,UCSD students want to kill all up and don’t let any of them transfer to other 4. She graduated from University of Phoenix black people, but at least we are eco-friendly. schools. Online just 8 months ago, all her stories are 5.So people would ask “why is this green?” 3. Count Asians as 3/5 of a person. probably in your browser history. instead of “why is there a noose in our 4. Give the BSU an Indian computer science 5. Swinging around a pole for too long can library?” slave..