March 29, 2005 Volume 76 Issue 9

Childcare Center Piled Higher and Deeper on Campus Not Betsy Harris Co-Editor-in-Chief Just For Students p. 4 Piled higher and deeper. That’s what most people think Ph.D. stands for. In reality, Ph.D. is an abbreviation for “doctor of philosophy.” Well, 84 per- cent of the MSU-B faculty holds the Civil Unions vs. highest degree in their field. It’s hard to imagine getting a Ph.D. when you’re try- Gay Marriage ing to make it through March without screwing up your GPA. Just for fun, p. 9 let’s imagine that we are interested in getting a Ph.D. like most of our profes- sors. Maybe after we realize what it takes to actually finish this colossal task, we Boozin’ -N- will respect our teachers a bit more(as Cruisin’ Could hard as that may be at times). Typical doctoral programs take Have You Losin’ three to five years to complete. Yes, after getting a master’s, you have to p. 12 go to school three to five more years. For the person who doesn’t want to get a job, this could be an ideal excuse. The problem with continuing your education The Retort for three to five more years after a get- ting a master’s degree is that when Classifieds your peers are raking in the dough, you will still be broke and studying… but at p. 14 least you won’t be working at some cor- porate bore of a job. The other problem photo by Niki Porter Eighty-four percent of the MSU-B Faculty holds the highest degree in their field. Continued on page 3 A little light reading anyone? We came, we saw, we conquered. Snyder and Brooke Henderson Patrick Olp took second, Brad Lauckner Columnist and Veronica Butts took fourth, and Eric Faulks and Lindsey Hart took eighth. In On March 13, the MSU- all-girl stunt competition, Billings Cheerleading team Ashley Henderson, Laura competed in Irvine, CA at the Steiger, Brandi Hallgren, COA Open National Tourna- Kristin Hodges, and Lindsey ment and came home with a Leischner took first, while second championship. This is Lindsey Hart, Lyndsey Parrish, the second year in a row the Anna Ferguson, Marissa Jackets have won at the con- Anderson and Tracey Mann test. took second. In individual partner The team competes stunting, Frankie Reno and again in New York. March

photo by Bryce Skjervem Kristin Hodges captured first 31—April 4 in Niagara Falls, MSU-B Cheer Team captures first place for second year in a row. place. Teammates Marc NY. Editor’s Rant 1500 University Drive SUB 225 Gettting To Know You Olivia Koernig Betsy Harris Billings MT 59101 Co-Editor-in-Chief Co-Editor-in-Chief Business & Newsroom: 657-2194 This is the part where I Now that you know what I Fax: 657-2191 tell a little about myself. Usu- want for The Retort, I would like to ally in these types of situa- take this opportunity to tell you a E-Mail: [email protected] tions, I would only reveal de- little bit about myself. I am a non- mographic information. The trad student and a pretty stereotypi- result being that you wouldn’t cal one. I comment on everything Olivia Koernig...... Co-Editor-in-Chief really get to know me, that is, my teachers say, I sit in the front, I Copy Editor the real me. I’ve decided to get my homework in on time, and I Betsy Harris ...... Co-Editor-in-Chief take a different approach en- get good grades. I feel I can redeem tirely. Instead I’ll dole out myself by the fact that I do not now, News Editor some obscure facts that might nor have I ever owned a rolling back Evelyn Irmen...... Business Manager be more interesting although, pack! probably even less revealing I don’t want to reveal my age Beth Kern...... A&E Editor of the real me. I love, Love, but you can probably guess it when Tove Bornes...... Layout Editor LOVE the TV show “Buffy the I say that I had a Farrah Fawcett Vampire Slayer.” There is just hair-do; I wore leg warmers and Niki Porter...... Photo Editor something so believable about head bands seriously; I remember Bryce Skjervem...... Sports Editor Buffy, Xander, Willow and when “half-shirts” and ripped sweat Emily Valenzuela...... Creativity Editor Giles when they’re ridding shirts first came out; I had a room Sunnydale of evil (and I know full of John Travolta posters, and I Dana Livermont...... Reporter that Spike really is good, deep was Miss Yellowstone County Nicole Livermont...... Reporter down). Or maybe I should tell 1982. you about the time I vaca- I never thought much about be- Dan Hansen...... Cartoonist tioned in Oregon at a tree ing a journalist, only a writer, but Gloria Colvin...... Staff Writer house resort. It was run by a getting involved with The Retort has Patrick Olp...... Staff Writer bunch of smelly, barefoot hip- given me the bug. I guess what I pies. I was so close to leaving didn’t realize is that journalists are Anna Johnson...... Staff Writer my old life behind and staying writers and they aren’t just “going Anne Plowman...... Staff Writer at the tree house commune to to write their novel someday.” They become the resident underwa- produce on a regular basis(some, Jason Corbridge...... Staff Writer ter basket weaver. I’ve always only when their editor gives them ul- Ashley Fagerstrom...... Staff Writer wanted to be hippie. It might timatums), but for the most part it’s be useful to share that I saw an exciting, engrossing way to be in- Paul Jangula...... Staff Writer my first snow in Mexico. I had volved, not only with school, but Jacey Jansma...... Staff Writer the nerve to hitchhike once, with life! Who would have known? Melissa DeVries...... Staff Writer too. That’s a good story. One thing I have learned is that There are so many different school is so much more fun when you Lynn Demarais...... Staff Writer titles to describe me. I’m a get involved. It doesn’t really matter Nancy Swanson...... Faculty Advisor sister and a student and a high in what way you do it, but if you find school drop out and an ex-wife something, anything, to be passionate and a mother and a daughter about, your experience will be en- Guidelines & Policies and a writer and a sporadic hanced. Please, don’t tell my teachers The Retort encourages the submission of letters to the poet, a part-time cynic and a that I do my “Retort” homework be- full-time dreamer. Oh, and fore I do “their” homework! And I’m Editor. Letters must be under 250 words in length I’ve recently added a new title, not even getting graded for this. Am and include name, signature, and phone number. The Co-Editor-in-Chief. Man, I I? Are you grading me right now? Retort reserves the right to edit for space and possible must be busy! Well, go ahead! libel. Letters should deal with subject matter relevant Olivia Koernig Betsy Harris to the students, faculty, and staff of MSU-Billings. The Retort is published every other Tuesday. Letters must The Retort would like to extend an apology to Paul Jangula for omitting be submitted by the Friday after the most recent issue his name in issue 8. date. Retraction: “Birth” was written by Joe Baum from Creativity Issue 8. The Publications Board of ASMSU-B advises The Retort, leaving content decisions to the editors. Opin- ions expressed in The Retort are not necessarily those of its members, the college, students, student govern- ment, state government, or federal government. Come and Get It! Second International Food Fair tional students. Let’s face it, no matter only, The International Studies Club and will collect the proceeds from the food Olivia Koernig where you come from, the food on cam- Spanish Club will bring the Interna- they sell, while the fee money for re- Co-Editor-in-Chief pus is a rip-off. Although a bag of pea- tional Food Fair back to MSU-B. The serving a table will be split between the nuts from the vending machines or a second annual Food Fair will be held two hosting clubs: Spanish Club and If you are like most students on turkey and cheese sandwich from LA from 10:30 a.m. to 2 p.m. in the SUB International Studies Club. campus, tight class schedules and long Express will do in a pinch, the same ballroom on Wednesday, April 6. Ikuko International Studies Club plans walks between buildings force you to food week after week gets old fast. Fac- “Koko” Valgenti, Assistant Director of to use their portion of the earnings for eat on the run. Worse yet, when time ulty, staff and students all basically agree International Studies, said that last year’s scholarships and to supplement contri- does allow an actual sit down meal, the that the choices and prices for dining Fair was a phenomenal success. More butions for events like their ski trips. cafeteria options are seldom (never) the on campus leave something to be de- than 300 people showed up and pigged Valgenti said, “Many of the Interna- delicious dishes Mom used to make. sired. out. Most of the vendors ran out of food tional Students do not have cars, so with- This is especially true for the Interna- On the other hand, for one day within the first hour! This year they are out fundraising these students would not anticipating a similar turnout; as such, do anything.” the participating clubs will be better Along with the food, the Fair will prepared and have more food. be featuring African and Spanish danc- Some of the campus organiza- ers, a Native American Indian drum tions that will be serving up chow are circle and a piñata. Door prizes will be the Environmental Studies Club (Indian available to those who answer a ques- tacos), the Jacket Ambassadors (Swed- tionnaire. Prepackaged ethnic food ish meatballs and German chocolate items, International Studies Club t-shirts cake), Spanish Club (enchiladas, and a gift certificate to Jade Palace are gazpacho, a variety of Argentine dishes) among the six prizes that will be and International Studies Club (sushi, awarded. Asian fried chicken, some German des- Not often are the fundraising ef- serts, smoked salmon). Also setting up forts on campus so mutually beneficial. tables and offering American entrees The International Food Fair gives stu- will be the Sociology Club, the College dents an opportunity to support their Republicans and United Campus Min- clubs, fill their bellies and enhance cul- istries. There will be a cashier at the door tural enrichment, all for a great low price. selling food tickets for $1 each. The Instead of choking down another cup of photo courtesy International Studies Club cost of the individual food items will cheesy bacon bean soup with a side of Native Americans demonstrate tribal dances. range from $1 to $4. Each separate club grease fries, stop by the Fair on April 6.

What is the job market? What is doc- After this, a person can become dents to know is that, while you may Piled Higher toral study like? What is doctoral study what is known as “ABD”, which means not be raking in the dough like your (cont. from page 1) like in your field of choice? If you can all but dissertation. At this time, you corporate friends, “You can earn money not answer these questions you may not can often get a job under the assump- in graduate school.” She received a be ready to begin doctoral study. Many tion that you will complete your disser- teaching assistantship which paid her with attempting a Ph.D. is that research professors encourage taking a few years tation. full tuition and entitled her to a $1200 shows that up to half of the students off after undergrad work and working If by some miracle, you are still stipend per month. For the assistant- who begin doctoral study never receive in your field of choice to make sure you able to continue this process, the next ship she was assigned to a faculty mem- the Ph.D. Let’s not dwell on that statis- enjoy it. step would be to make a proposal about ber whom she helped grade papers and tic right now. Dr. Joy Honea just earned her doc- the topic of your dissertation, which gave guest lectures which was great The key to understanding the pos- torate in September from Colorado State Honea did. She then had a preliminary practice for teaching later. Research as- sible programs you can get into is ask- University. She is currently an assistant exam where she had to orally defend sistantships are also available for stu- ing questions and researching. This is professor of sociology at MSU-B. She her topic. She passed that, and then it dents where they help a faculty mem- probably good practice for Ph.D. work admits that the process of getting a Ph.D. was just a 150 to 300 page paper. Piece ber with research that may coincide with anyway, since there is an emphasis on is different in various fields and at dif- of cake, right? As Dr. Dan Gross’ advi- their own. research when getting it. Incidentally, ferent universities, sor put it, “Oh While most professors say they this practice is actually being ques- but was willing to re- “Oh come on, it’s only five come on, it’s only don’t compare who does and does not tioned by some groups who say that late her experiences. 25-page papers.” five 25-page pa- have a Ph.D., Honea admits, “I was very Ph.D. programs focus too much on re- After obtain- pers.” That’s a glad for them to take the ‘Ms’ off the search and not on the other duties that ing her masters de- Dr. Dan Gross’ Advisor nicer way of look- board.” Anyone would have to be ec- working in academia require…duties gree Honea took ing at it for sure. static to finally achieve their goal and such as teaching. courses for another two years. At the For the dissertation you are ex- be granted a Ph.D. You can look at university and end of the two years she had to take three pected to conduct your own research, As Dr. Gross says, “It’s not being program catalogs, rankings and guide- exams, two of them comprehensive ex- analysis and writing of the results. Ide- a genius, or gifted, or born well, or rich, books, and of course, the internet. If ams over the past two years. The com- ally it takes one year, but most people that will get you a Ph.D., but if two you are still confused, and even if you prehensive exams were eight hours take longer. At the end of the process, words would sum it up, they would be are not, ask a faculty member or any- long, from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. with a one Honea went before a committee of four determination and perseverance.” one who has any experience with post- hour lunch break. They were on theo- faculty members who questioned her, Well, now that you know a little graduate work. A warning, if you do retical perspective and methods of re- sent her out of the room and VOTED more about piling it higher and deeper, ask a faculty member about a Ph.D., search. The third exam was over what to see if she could receive her Ph.D. forget about that spring fever and get be prepared to answer the questions her substantive interest was. It took a After some time they invited her back researching! You can’t ask enough they have for you. The first one will few months and she wrote a 30-40 page in and granted her the Ph.D. After questions about this subject. If you are most likely be “Why do you want a paper with 45-50 references. After writ- Florida in 2000, voting is enough to just praying to get through this semes- Ph.D.?” “I just want a Dr. in front of ing the paper she went in front of a com- make anyone nervous, yet that is still ter, at least you may have a greater re- my name” is not a good answer. mittee and gave an oral defense to the how it is done. Would they entertain spect for your professors, because the Five questions you should ask paper. In other words, they asked her the idea of a ‘recount’ if one was re- majority of them at MSU-B have been yourself are: Why do you want the de- questions and she had to defend them fused? Most likely not. through this process all the way to the gree? What are your career goals? orally. Freaked out yet? That’s not all. One thing Honea would like stu- end. Amazing, isn’t it? Campus Childcare Center Not Just For Students Students are angered by long waiting list at Campus Daycare Center program, puts those 50 spots in Only 14 of the children are from schools. Although our program is Dana Livermont high demand especially in the families within the general public. for the students of this school, the Reporter morning hours, when students are Although there are some non- program is operated by BCSD, not most likely to be at school. This students within the program, the MSU-Billings. Keller says that The William R. Lowe Child creates an extensive waiting list for majority of the children there are “Ours gets grants, but it is still the Care Enrichment Center is located the morning hours. Many who sit of parents involved with MSU-B. students’ responsibility to pay on the MSU-Billings campus, at on that waiting list are wondering Children of students make up 70 fees.” 2630 Normal Avenue. The why there are children of non-stu- percent, and children of faculty For students that can’t afford childcare facility was placed there dents in the program, while stu- members make up 4 percent of the to sit on a waiting list, the center to cater to the needs of the students, dents spend months on the wait- total number of daycare students. understands. Cindy Keller offers particularly non-traditional stu- ing list. When comparing the that “We try to be the best ally that dents with children. The Billings If students have children in childcare center at MSU-Billings these students can have.” Students Catholic School Daycares (BCSD) the program while in school, they with others from Montana, there is can enroll their children in any of was chosen by a committee of the do not have to withdraw them a difference. Both MSU-Bozeman the other four daycares operated by Student Affairs Department to run when they graduate. Cindy Keller, and UM-Missoula offer childcare BCSD, as long as the children are the center in June of 2003, and it director of the center, states that, services only to activity-paying potty-trained and the 10 percent “We’re not going to boot you be- students. According to Keller, the discount offered to students at the “We try to be the best ally cause you’re not a student any- difference between our program William R. Lowe Child Care En- that these students can more. It’s just not fair to the kids.” and theirs is that both Bozeman richment Center can also be given have.” —Cindy Keller, The center does not believe that the and Missoula’s program are at any of the other four daycares director of William children should have to adjust from funded and operated through their operated by BCSD.. an environment that they have be- R. Lowe Child Care come used to and enjoy, just be- Enrichment Center cause their parent or parents have graduated. Of the children en- has been doing so ever since. At rolled at the center, 14 percent are any given time of the day, the cen- of parents who have graduated ter holds up to 50 children, which within the last two years from is the maximum amount allowed MSU-Billings. Also, non-students by law for the available space. can get spots when there are no stu- What many are surprised to find is dents or faculty members on the that not all of these children are waiting list. This often happens in from student families. the summer, as students may no Priority for spots in the pro- longer need childcare services, and gram are given to students and then drop from the program or the wait- to faculty, and students receive 10 ing list. The center also has an af- percent off the normal fees. The ter-school program, which is not child care center at MSU-Billings during demanding hours for stu- is the only BCSD run daycare that dents, so there is no waiting list. accepts infants. This fact, together Non-students are often able to with the ease of the location being make use of the facility during this on campus and the quality of the time, when many students don’t. Graphic courtesy of William R. Lowe Child Care Enrichment Center Get in the Zone------Discover Zone! benefit kids who have nothing to ing a VOLUNTEER program, you, but if you are ready and will- Jacey Jansma do after school and it keeps them you must be a charismatic person ing to be a positive, skill-building Staff Writer out of trouble. Also, this program who is motivated to work and influence in these kids’ lives, con- can help keep student’s grades yes…you must be mature enough tact coordinator Mark Lambott, Can you cook? How about from falling or those who have low to supervise. So if you can’t even at 406-237-6700 or on his cell at dance? Maybe you can sing or or failing grades. take care of yourself, this is not for 406-672-4214. maybe you’re too smart for your These are a few of the ben- own good. efits of this program, not to men- Well, in that case… VOLUN- tion the many kids you will be TEER your amazing talent, what- helping and getting to know. ever it may be, for local middle Volunteer your time to these school students. kids 1-4 days a week for five These activities include weeks and help out kids in your coaching a sport, cooking easy to area with their homework, or just make treats, tutoring students, and hang out with them doing fun ac- just plain hanging out. tivities like cooking, dancing, How does After- School Pro- karaoke, movies, games, science gram Facilitator sound on a re- club and fitness. sume? AWESOME! The fun starts at 3:30 p.m. Another high point of this and goes until 5:00 p.m. from volunteer work: Meeting new March 14- April 14 at Lewis and people! Clark Middle School. This program is designed to The Catch: Besides this be- “Voices of Change” Forum Put on by Students forum] is to help students under- The students of Philosophy the movie is the story of two suf- Olivia Koernig stand how to put on a forum … al- 365 are also sponsoring a movie fragists fighting to get the 19th Co-Editor-in-Chief lowing them to be the ones to ini- night. “Iron Jawed Angels” will be Amendment passed. Admission is tiate topics and speakers.” shown Tuesday, March 29 in LI free and popcorn will be provided. “Do you consider yourself a The forum will be held Thurs- room 148. Starring Hilary Swank, The show starts at 7 p.m. feminist?” were among the first day, April 7 from 7-9 p.m. in the words spoken by Dr. Lisa Lewis and Clark Room in the SUB. Kemmerer on the first day of class. The panel of speakers will include The students in her new class, Phi- four students, presenting the book losophy 365, Women, Philosophy “The Beauty Myth”; Rev. Kim and Religion, were hesitant to la- Woeste and Rev. Teresa Swift of bel themselves. Kemmerer’s Wayman’s Chapel, focusing on the question was the first of many pro- position of women in church; and vocative and controversial subjects Dr. Kemmerer, giving an address covered throughout the semester. entitled, “Oppressor or Op- An unintended controversy was pressed?” Also on the agenda are addressed recently in The Retort Diane Wellhaven explaining a per- (Issue 6, “What will you do for a spective of a female minority, and Grade,” N. Livermont) regarding Elaine Morris from the Museum of Kemmerer’s strict grading stan- Women’s History. The Billings dards. Part of the course require- Fire Department’s first female ment to earn an “A” in Phil. 365 is firefighter is tentatively planned to participation in an upcoming fo- appear, if her schedule permits. rum. Rev. Kim Woeste of United This forum should be interest- Campus Ministries (UCM) is also ing since it was masterminded by collaborating on the forum, students. Another exciting aspect “Voices of Change: Women, Cul- is the fact that all involved with the ture, and Justice.” Woeste is no forum are female. When ques- stranger to campus forums, and tioned as to why a man might want neither is Kemmerer. Woeste has to attend the forum, Kemmerer worked on about five forums on answered that “anyone interested campus, with topics ranging from in human beings” would enjoy the the war in Iraq to a panel discus- production. Kemmerer feels the sion on Mel Gibson’s “The Passion forum will be helpful for men, “es- of The Christ.” Kemmerer has pecially in male/female relation- been a speaker at many forums, but ships.” Kemmerer adds that the says this is different since its out- forum could improve men’s rela- come is in the hands of the stu- tionships with women, “like their graphic courtesy of Philosophy 365 dents. “The main objective [of the mothers, co-workers and wives.” Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Prominent Artist Willis Johnson attends MSU-Billings processes. Willis commented Nicole Livermont “It’s a good opportunity to do in- Reporter dividual work . . . and put it out there in the community.” This The new look being added to family project is set to adorn the the scenery in Columbus is com- Chamber of Commerce in Co- pliments of Willis Johnson and lumbus off Interstate 90 by the family. The very artistic group Columbus Ball fields. was contracted through Johnson Willis is earning his Bach- and Sons Fine Arts Gallery and elor of Arts with studio-extended. Depot located at 2404 Montana Willis is presently a junior and Avenue to sculpt five bronze stat- plans to continue his education by ues depicting the phases of Mon- going on to graduate school after tana history. The Lewis and Clark graduation. He has worked on stage is depicted by a statue of such pieces as Cattle Guard on Sacagawea by Jonathan Johnson. 27th Street, the Dan Mortinson The next era is the trapper era and statue, as well as the 4-H statue the trapper is sculpted by Ercel at the Metra Park. He has also Johnson. Ercel is an MSU-B stu- had a hand in the Plenty Coups dent alumnus. The third stage is in Red Lodge. Beside being an represented by a hunter made by active artist in the community, Willis Johnson as well as the Willis is the president of the Stu- fourth stage, the rancher/farmer. dent Art League. He’s also a co- The fifth stage is represented by owner of the family business, the miner sculpted by Lyle Sr. Johnson and Sons Fine Arts Gal- Lyle Jr., a freshman at MSU-B lery. The very gifted family will

photo courtesy of Columbus Chamber of Commerce majoring in history, also helped continue to work together and An unfinished Sacajawea bronze sculpted by Willis Johnson. with the enlarging and foundry display art pieces around the community. Kyoto Protocol Looks for Changes Throughout World sider its ratification. He stated in a Dana Livermont letter dated March 13, 2001 to Sena- Reporter tors Hagel, Helms, Craig, and Rob- erts, “As you know, I oppose the On February 16, 2005, the Kyoto Kyoto Protocol because it exempts Protocol came into force. The Kyoto 80 percent of the world, including Protocol is a treaty that was signed in major population centers such as 1997 by most countries involved in the China and India, from compliance, United Nations Framework Conven- and would cause serious harm to the tion on Climate Change (UNFCCC) U.S. economy.” In 1998, the White as a measure to legally and systemati- House Council of Economic Advi- cally enforce the reduction of green- sors found that the costs of imple- house-gas emission levels “with a menting the Kyoto Protocol would be view to reducing their overall emis- “modest.” The Bush Administration, sions of such gases by at least 5 per so far, has published no studies which cent below existing 1990 levels in the support its “harm to the economy” commitment period 2008 to 2012.” graphic courtesy of www.gr8st8.com stance. U.S. not interested in ratifying the treaty. The UNFCCC was created in Another opposition to the the wake of overwhelming scientific emissions cuts.” A fund would also action now would be more beneficial United States ratification of the Kyoto evidence that supports global warm- be established to assist countries that than waiting until the problem cannot Protocol is the Senate’s 1997 passage ing. The Intergovernmental Panel on suffer adverse affects due to climate be ignored. Furthermore, the Kyoto of the Byrd-Hagel Resolution. It for- Climate Change states that the emis- change. Protocol is the only legislation by the bids the United States from becom- sions of carbon dioxide and other Eighty-four countries, includ- United Nations that addresses global ing a signatory to any protocol un- greenhouse gases by humans “will ing the U.S. and other highly industri- warming. It works to appeal to the less it “mandates new specific sched- raise global average temperatures by alized countries, signed the Kyoto Pro- needs of countries all over the world uled commitments to limit or reduce 1.4 – 5.8° C by the end of the cen- tocol. The treaty then needed to be with a variety of economic levels and greenhouse-gas emissions for the De- tury.” This may not seem that huge, ratified within the countries. Since its standards. veloping Country Parties within the but the emissions will also affect signing, the Kyoto Protocol has gained Opponents feel that the Kyoto same compliance period.” This “weather patterns, water resources, the acceptance by 144 countries, who are Protocol only makes small, meaning- means that both developing nations cycling of the seasons, ecosystems and now abiding by its laws. Only four less steps to address a massive prob- and developed nations must have tar- extreme climate events.” Noticeable industrialized countries have not rati- lem. Others argue that the link between gets and timetables in accordance even today are the shrinking of Arctic fied the Kyoto Protocol. They are the greenhouse-gas emissions and global with the United States. The Kyoto sea-ice and mountain glaciers, longer United States, Australia, Liechtenstein, warming is not proven, making the Protocol does not require targets for summers, and changes in bird migra- and Monaco. Alarmingly, the United Kyoto Protocol a gamble. Still others, Developing Country Parties. tion habits. States and Australia combined account including President Bush, conclude If the United States ratified the The Kyoto Protocol calls for, for over 33 percent of the greenhouse that implementation of the Kyoto Pro- Kyoto Protocol, it would be legally not only the reduction of greenhouse gases emitted in the entire world. Nei- tocol would be devastating to the bound to reduce its emissions to at gas emissions, but also an international ther has stated plans to ratify. economies of many of the countries least 5 percent below their 1990 level carbon trading market in which coun- Supporters of the Kyoto Pro- involved. between the years 2008 and 2012. tries can buy or sell “emission cred- tocol feel that a proactive approach is Currently, President Bush Conversely, current U.S. emissions its” which is hoped will “improve the necessary to sufficiently combat glo- has stated his opposition to the treaty, are now about 15 percent greater than efficiency and cost-effectiveness of bal warming. They feel that taking and has not asked the Senate to con- they were in 1990.

locker room and stole two sets of again just north of Cenex Field. she did. She went back and didn’t Niki Porter keys, a Visa debit card, and check- They claimed they were traveling see it, so she called security and Photo Editor book, leaving a partial shoe print through from Wyoming. Hey, the reported a theft. Later, she called on the tile leading to the shower. KOA is on Garden Avenue guys. back to say that she had misplaced Hopefully everyone had a fun Investigation is pending. 17-17 Busy day. An of- it, and it had been found. Well, it and safe Spring Break! It’s too bad 12-12 AAUGH! The ficer was sent to a resident hall to was nice of her to call back, but that crime never takes a vacation, porn problem continues! This see about a girl. A drunk girl. She let’s hope she learned a lesson: eh? time, a man was found lying in the was hitting a door in the hall, and never leave your camera unat- Well the major concern on weeds at the base of the rims, just was eventually taken to the hospi- tended! campus this issue is the prevalence north of Cenex Field, with a tal in an ambulance. Let’s hope 13-13 Some clothes were of graffiti on many buildings. plethora of pornography scattered she’s okay. stolen out of a dryer on Campus security is seriously in- on the ground around him. He was 22-22 A broken glass campus…and not found. Yet. vestigating the issue, and if any- issued a no trespass. This is just door was discovered in the LA One last thing, that guy who one knows anything about the cul- plain creepy. The man was not a building. So far there is no known was seen trying to steal that other prits, it’s suggested that you call student. cause. guy’s spare tire has been discovered security (ext 2147) and speak with 17-17 A criminal mis- 27-27 Disposition is and noted as a suspect. No arrest them. Remember, this is your chief charge occurred in the library pending in a case of possession of has been made, but hopefully spare school, and you are paying for the after someone attempted to enter a dangerous drugs in a campus tires on campus will be safe from vandals’ “artwork.” cabinet containing audio/visual building. See? Just say no. now on. Meanwhile, here’s the haps equipment. 6-6 A little good news, P.S. Those stop signs in the around campus: 17-17 Again with the sort of. A woman left her camera north Rimrock lot are REAL. Cita- 12-12 A thief broke into rims! A couple was found sleep- bag on campus (!!!! No! No! No!), tions have been handed out already, an unlocked locker in the girl’s ing in a tent at the base of the rims, went somewhere and realized what so pay attention to them. Thank you. Looking into a New Club international students horseback riding, river rafting, hiking, or activity whenever possible, and to and their cultures as fishing, and golf. Billings hosts a num- promote the well-being of Montana well as assisting to ber of events in the summer, including State University-Billings at all times. build relationships be- concerts and plays, western rodeos that Requirement to join: No re- tween international feature bronco riding and steer roping, quirements, just be a student. Emily Valenzuela students and non-inter- and the Big Sky State Games. A num- Activities and Goals: The His- national students.This ber of cultural events, such as Crow Fair tory Club meets once/twice a month Creativity Editor club prepares students and the Festival of Nations, introduce in the evenings for a movie night that a to get bona fide jobs. “This gives stu- students to the state’s diverse cultural history professor hosts. They have Name of dents a chance to meet and share expe- heritage. At Crow Fair, the world’s larg- meetings once a month to discuss Club: International riences with students from other coun- est teepee encampment, students can events and fundraisers. Fundraisers are Studies Club tries and learn in a friendly atmosphere,” sleep under a magnificent starry sky in held at the Yellowstone Valley Brew- History and says Jason Gibson, a current member a teepee. Students can explore a num- ing Company for the Phi Alpha Theta Purpose: The club of the club. ber of the historical sites of the area, conference. Phi Alpha Theta hosts the was established in Requirement to join: Earthling- such as the Little Bighorn Battlefield, yearly conference for students to 1927 at Eastern a.k.a. needs to be a student at MSU-B or visit one of Montana’s ghost towns. present research papers. This year it Montana College. It Purpose:To promote and fund The program features a weekend tour will be hosted in Sun Valley, Idaho has grown to offer the International Food Fair that is held through Yellowstone National Park, during the month of April. over seventy degrees in April. where students can explore the natural Officers and Names: The Presi- in the areas of Busi- Activities and Goals: The En- wonders of the park and watch free- dent is Anna Johnson; Vice President ness; Computers and glish as a Second Language (ESL) roaming bison, elk and moose. is Emily Valenzuela, and Dr. Matthew Technology; Educa- Summer Program offers a well-to-do Officers and Names: The presi- Redinger is the academic advisor. tion; Health; Liberal selection of cultural and recreational dent is Scott Brown; vice president is Arts; Online De- activities as well as opportunities to Koko Valgenti, and Analicia Pianca grees; Science; and make new American friends. Whether is the director. Sports and Fitness. eating hamburgers at a backyard Name of Club: History Club/ Members have the barbeque or watching the Billings Mus- Phi Alpha Theta (National History benefit of first-rate tangs play baseball, this club’s goal is Honor Society) academic choices to give the foreign students the full ex- Purpose: To promote the study and an easily reached perience of “typical” American life. of history; to develop leadership in the faculty. The purpose Besides outings to local museums and members, to promote high standards of of this club is to de- theaters, students can enjoy a number scholarship, to provide active service velop awareness of of optional outdoor activities, such as and participation in any campus event graphic courtesy of International Studies Club Spanish Club Awards $500 for Books This is the first ing Christmas, its members dress as so are the members of the Spanish Lynn Demarais time the club has piñatas and one year Ted Jensen Club. Its members have conversa- Staff Writer given a book whacked on them as they threw candy tional coffee at Art Space to study for- grant. The Spanish Club members to the crowd. eign languages. They meet once a On our earned all of the money through vigor- They provide volunteers for the month at places such as Mamacita’s campus, there ous fundraisers. This recent step was annual Easter Egg Hunt on campus. and Don Luis to eat lunch and to dis- were 126 known one of many. The Spanish Club co-sponsors the In- cuss upcoming events. Hispanic students Within the club, good relations are ternational Food Fair in April. (There If you are someone who would enrolled last fall. fostered between MSU-B students and will be a lot more authentic Mexican like to take part in exciting activities The Spanish Club Hispanic communities. The club’s tra- food there this year.) The club offers or become actively involved in so- recently awarded ditional convention is very much like volunteers for the Strawberry Festi- cial events and fundraisers, join the two of these stu- Mexican families in Billings, it is all- val in the downtown business district. Spanish Club. They plan to continue dents with a $250 inclusive. Husbands and children of The club provides volunteers for the to award these grants and stay actively check for books. members are encouraged to be active Mexican Fiesta at South Park in Au- involved in the community. In the The two student in the club and all of its fun activities. A gust. future, two students per academic recipients were person does not have to want to speak Mexican culture is diverse, school year can benefit from the book Sofia Gomez and Spanish to become involved. unique, fun, friendly and helpful and grants offered by the Spanish Club. Nicole Klein. In the past, the Spanish Club Courtney sent six students to Denver for Cinco Ball, the Spanish de Mayo where 400,000 people pass Club secretary, through Civic Center Park in two days. presented Sofia They gave up to $150 to The Friend- Gomez with her $250 check. Christy ship House of Christian Service, which Schwarz, the Vice President of the provides children with clothing, shel- Spanish Club, presented Nicole Klein ter, and activities after school to keep with her check. This presentation took them out of trouble. They offered a huge place on March 5 in the meeting hall at box to the United Campus Ministry for Our Lady of Guadalupe Church. The a lady living with the AIDS virus. When Women’s Committee of Guadalupe a family of five lost their home to a fire, church picked the beneficiaries. The the generous Spanish Club members informed ladies picked two Hispanic donated money to them and encouraged students who have excellent academic Hart’s Furniture Gallery to give them standards. new furniture. The Spanish Club’s overall theme The fundraisers in the Spanish photo courtesy of Spanish Club is to build ties within the community. Club are fun and unpredictable. Dur- Nicole Klein and Sofia Gomez receive book scholarships from the Spanish Club. Senate Profiles: A Look into the ASMSU-B perience do you bring to tions are you involved in? we can make this system Emily Valenzuela ASMSU-B? I have helped I am the current chair of the work. Creativity Editor candidates with numerous Montana College Republican Andy Zoeller is a new campaigns and I know a good Federation in Billings. Senator-at-Large, and in deal about our state-wide What would you say to his sophomore year. He is Anne Plowman is a new politics ...and I know how encourage other students pursuing a Biology major. Senator-at-Large, and in pop tarts work... to be more involved? It’s Andy is also just getting her junior year. She is pur- What got you involved YOUR campus. We are his feet wet with ASMSU- suing a Spanish major. in ASMSU-B? It’s all YOUR senators, we repre- B. Anne is just getting her feet Connie’s fault. Actually, I sent YOU. Any problems or What information/ex- wet with ASMSU-B. got involved in politics in concerns you have, we need perience do you bring to What information/ex- the area where I live which to hear from you, that way ASMSU-B? Being involved then got me interested in the in other clubs, and being of- student government. ten around campus, I am ac- What do you like most cessible to students and about ASMSU-B? I like able to represent them. serving the students, that is What got you involved why I’m here. I know I can’t in ASMSU-B? I wanted to make that big of a difference, be able to represent and in- but I can do something (al- form the students. though it may be small) to What do you like most make college better for stu- about ASMSU-B? I like dents. the free t-shirts. What issues do you fo- What issues do you fo- cus on? Being on the Legis- cus on? I try to focus on all lative/Legal Committee, I issues that arise equally. tend to focus on elections, What other organiza- bi-laws, bi-law changes, and tions are you involved in? what makes out government I am a member of the Col-

photo by Dan Hansen tick, both on and off campus. photo by Dan Hansen lege Republicans and Envi- Anne Plowman What other organiza- Andy Zoeller ronmental Awareness Club. From the land of the Lobbyists – Week 9 in current Legislations Connie Summers is a lob- daycare providing medicine House Bill 754 – requires Senate bill 248 – revises byist for MSU-B in Helena and without parental consent certain candidates to take a the penalty for no motor ve- she has been keeping The Re- · This bill is awaiting ex- test on the constitution of hicle insurance tort up-to-date on what is hap- ecutive action. Montana and the United States · This bill is awaiting ex- pening with the latest bills in House Bill 91 – Prohibits · This bill is awaiting ex- ecutive action. Helena. open containers in vehicles ecutive action. Senate Bill 273 – Corey House Bill 2 – started it’s · Passed out of the house Senate Bill 16 – would re- Stapleton’s bill to set up a hearing before House Appro- 78-18 and is being sent to the strict public service announce- study committee that would priations this week Senate ments by certain elected offi- set in motion establishment · House Appropriations House Bill 181 – increases cials of a rural school of medicine began with an overview from funding and adjusts benefits in · This bill passed out of at MSU-B the Legislative Fiscal Division the Teachers Retirement system committee 16-0. · The Commissioner of (LFD) and the Governor’s · This bill is awaiting ex- Senate Bill 23 – a sum- Higher Education testified in Budget Office ecutive action. mary of IT impact for all support of the bill. · LFD indicated that the House Bill 219 – Allows branches of government · WWAMI clinical coor- budget currently shows an $87 exemption for Montana income · This bill passed out of dinator Jay Erickson gave million dollar surplus. tax based upon household pov- committee 14-0. opposing views. · There is $88 million of erty levels Senate Bill 80 – prohib- · This bill went from sec- one-time-only revenue in pro- · This bill passed out of its open alcoholic beverage ond reading (25-24) in the jection. the house 57-42. containers in motor vehicles Senate to the Senate Finance · There is a structural im- House Bill 729 – puts a 4 · This bill is awaiting ex- and Claims for further re- balance of $14 million. percent tax on the sale of pre- ecutive action. view. · The current budget pro- pared food (meals you eat out) vides for $2.6 billion of general · This bill is awaiting ex- fund spending, which is a $309 ecutive action. million increase(13.4 percent) House Bill 752 – concerns over the 2005 biennium. a loan to the Supreme court for · A statute caps the in- financing IT improvement in the crease in state spending to no Judicial Branch more than the growth in aver- · The $3.1 million dollar age income which occurred in loan would be paid back over the state in the last three years six years from the $1 increase (8.5 percent). on license plates and registra- · The current budget is tions. $121 million above that cap. · This bill is awaiting ex- House Bill 68 – prohibits ecutive action. Civil Unions vs. Gay Marriage

shouldn’t be allowed, because it is Homosexuality,” in Western Dana Livermont forbidden in the Bible. My answer Anne Plowman Sexuality: Practice and Precept in From the Left to that is the First Amendment. For From the Right Past and Present Times. There those of you who have forgotten goes one arm. This last November was elec- this since U.S. Government class, Have you ever seen “Monty Health risks are also a tions. I remember how my sister it states, “Congress shall make no Python and the Search for the huge concern. A Dutch Depart- and I watched the television in- law respecting an establishment of Holy Grail”? Well, there is a part ment of Health and Environment tently as each of the results came religion, or prohibiting the free ex- where King Arthur of the Britons study confirmed that not only are on. Cyanide mining still banned. ercise thereof...” This is what fights the Black Knight. King young homosexual males more Good. Medical Marijuana legal- gives us what is more commonly Arthur bests the Black Knight by likely to contract HIV, but also ized. Good. Montana goes red. known as the “separation of church cutting off his arms and legs, ren- that 67 percent of homosexual Not good, but expected. CI-96 and state.” This last election dering the Black Knight incapable males of 30 years or less had been passed. Disgusting, but terrify- seemed to play a lot on religion, of defending himself. The issue of infected by a steady partner ac- ingly expected. CI -96 made valid which is scary. As this country is homosexual unions is in a plight cording to Jon Garbo in in this state marriages between one “the great melting pot,” it is im- like the Black Knight, no legs to GayHealth (July 25, 2001). The man and one woman only. This portant to remember that there are stand on and no arms with which risk factor also exists for homo- basically means we will not allow many religions and faiths here. We to defend itself. Before you go off sexual females. There goes an- people of different sexual orienta- are not all Christians. It is a seri- to watch “Monty Python” I’ll take other arm. tion to have the same rights that ous threat to civil liberties to al- a few minutes to explain why I Homosexuals experience we so enjoy. I was left wonder- low one religion’s beliefs to dic- stand where I do, then you may a greater rate of mental health ing, “What is wrong with the tate government and the rights that be on your merry way. problems, added to that, the rate people of this state?” Why would all other groups will have. The first issue is one of re- of suicide among homosexual we allow the limitation of rights of Some of you might be won- lationship duration. Some say if couples is higher than that of tra- our neighbors, our coworkers, and dering why gay marriage is such you compare the duration of tra- ditional couples, 6.5 times higher our friends? Did people acciden- a hot debate. They can do ev- ditional marriages and the dura- according to R. Herrell, et al. in tally become confused and check erything else that we can, right. tion of homosexual relationships, Archives of General Psychiatry the wrong box? Probably not. Are Maybe so, but the foot is in the they are equally short lived. Ac- 56 (1999). I’m guessing everyone there extreme religious folks out door. We have made a way for cording to M.D. Bramlett and reading this is against suicide, there that think that their God will future restrictions of liberties for W.D. Mosher in Advance Data, there goes a leg. not allow them into heaven unless gays, and for other groups. National Center for Health Statis- Lastly, pushing for homo- they violate all who stray from Our federal government was tics (May 31, 2001), the duration sexual marriages or civil unions what is written in the Bible? I hope made to protect the citizens and of traditional marriages is not that is a political agenda; the goal is not. Are some people just scared, to facilitate their self-govern- great, only 50 percent of first mar- to redefine marriage. The mar- ignorant, or hateful? I have to ment. It seems silly then that we riages last 20 years. Picture the riage of a man and woman is a thinks so. Why else would we al- pass legislation to prohibit gay Black Knight, at the moment he sign of purity, a vow that two low this gross infringement of marriage. Why do we need pro- has two arms and two legs, this people make signifying that they rights to occur? tection from it, and why is it seen argument is the first swing he will have one partner for the rest Some may argue that this is as a threat? I think this goes back takes at traditional marriage. of their life. Many homosexual not such a big deal, it’s just mar- to the very point I made previ- Naturally we will counter with the couples do not practice mo- riage. Did you know that there are ously. Many of us are scared. We fact that relationship duration nogamy (one partner) according over 1,000 benefits that can be pro- are scared to think outside of our among homosexual couples for to Bradley P. Hayton in Newport tected by marriage? Married “comfort zone,” to accept what the same length of time is 10 times Beach: The Pacific Policy Insti- couples are automatically insured is different and that to which we worse with only five percent of re- tute, 1993, which is a main prin- rights like the right to visit their are not accustomed. If we con- lationships lasting 20 years or ciple of marriage. Why give spouse in the hospital, to receive tinue to live in fear of our differ- more according to someone the right to marriage or their spouse’s Social Security ben- ences, America will become a www.glcensus.org. Homosexual a civil union when there is a good efits when they die, and to live with very scary place. relationships tend to last about chance they won’t observe the their spouse in the nursing home. This country has traveled a one to three years then diminish principles of that marriage or civil These are just a few examples, but very long, painful, and often em- according to M. Pollak, “Male union? you get the picture. Marriage is barrassing road to stop the dis- pretty cool. Gays and lesbians can crimination of certain groups. be, and often are, denied these Women and blacks alike fought rights, even if they have a civil for decades for what is now taken union. If you are not into all these for granted by many. Let us not benefits, think of the reason why rescind what has taken us so long most young people marry. It is not to achieve. Let us not forget because they are thinking about those words written by our fore- their retirement funds, or where fathers, when their rights were there money will go when they die, violated: “We hold these truths to it is because they are in love. Mar- be self-evident, that all men are riage allows couples to pronounce created equal, that they are en- their love in front of their commu- dowed by their Creator with cer- nity, to promise love through sick- tain unalienable Rights, that ness and in health, and to pledge among these are Life, Liberty and their fidelity. Why can’t gays do the pursuit of Happiness.” We this, too? are all equal and we all have the Many argue that gay marriage right to be happy. Being A Classmate: MSU-B Student Hails From China Miranda Breding Guest Writer It’s the first day of kindergarten. Do you remember? That first day when it was time for everyone to sit in a circle on the “magic carpet” while the teacher read a story from a large pictured book. You were the one who got placed next to the goofy looking kid with thick coke- bottle bottom glasses and messy hair. You thought he was weird and smelled funny. Little did you know, but ten years later this kid would turn into your best friend. That’s my experience. Consid- ering the number of smaller schools and close-knit communities in Montana, this type of situation happens. Some- times classmates end up studying to- gether from day one of primary school through high school graduation. How- ever, often our lives are filled with rela- tionships that come and go. Today you may not necessarily know the where- abouts of your classmate and best friend Photo courtesy of Miranda Breding in second grade. American students’ Lady Jilin University students take a sit-down during military training, Autumn 2004 friendships spring from many sources. I see this concept demonstrated fatigues. These students are also di- of China, attempting to control a Outside of the classroom and academic when I tour through the Chinese stu- vided into dorm rooms of between four population boom, declared a one- sphere friendships stem from family re- dent lecture halls. These lecture halls and eight people to a dormitory each child policy, prohibiting couples lationships, club involvement, and ran- serve a similar use as the elementary about 10 X 15 feet. Each dormitory from having more than one child dom people met in certain situations or school setup in American schools, in- features three or four bunk beds lined except in very unique circumstances any manner of acquaintance. In the cluding an individual desk in which be- against the wall and a desk area. Dor- specified in the law. Since that time United States of America the word longings and study materials are placed, mitories rarely, if ever, have an indi- the recent generation of Chinese chil- “classmate” frequently doesn’t carry a a single room that the children study in vidual shower and bathroom for each dren is all growing up as only chil- whole lot of intimate emotional weight. all year long and the same set of “tong room. At the university where I’m dren. There is a term to describe It doesn’t take much to be a classmate. xue” or “classmates” five days a week. studying, there is a huge bath house these children, “Xiao Huang Di” or It’s the luck of the draw. Chinese university students don’t have that students, even in the winter “Little Emperors”. As only children So, go to the Billings Logan In- an individual desk to place their belong- months, trek to for their weekly shower. these kids are experiencing an extra ternational Airport and get on a plane ings in, but all their study materials for Dormitory divisions are based on both dose of doting by family members flying to Beijing (via Seattle, L.A., or the day are stored within a compartment gender and major in university. En- which some fear is going to end up San Francisco of course). When you in the long studying table-like desks. glish Majors with English Majors; Chi- producing a very spoiled future gen- arrive, it’s likely that you’ll soon make There is even a specific word for the nese Majors with Chinese Majors; eration of China. I often get con- friends with one or many Chinese stu- classmate that you sit next to at your Business Majors with Business Ma- fused when I ask a Chinese friend if dents who are eager to engage you in study table. I tutor a 14-year-old junior jors and so on. My good Chinese friend they have brothers and sisters and conversation as they practice their oral high student in English. She usually spent four years living in the same dor- they answer, “No,” then two weeks English skills. Soon, your Chinese stu- has class anywhere from six to seven mitory with the same other five dorm later they excitedly tell me that their dent friends will introduce you to other days a week. She often goes to bed mates. “brother” came to visit them last Chinese students. These students will after midnight because she has been up One Chinese student from a city weekend. It took me a while and always introduce their friends as “class- studying. Just based on the amount of near Shanghai that I met in the stu- several questions to understand that mates.” time dedicated to study it appears that dent cafeteria explained to me, “I am the “brother” they were talking about “Ta shi wo de tong xue” your Chinese university students live in their a freshman here and I am just as much was either a cousin or a child of their Chinese friend will say as he introduces classrooms. a foreigner to this school as you are. parents’ friend. Classmates also fill his best friend. I asked my friend and Based on their end-of high school Where I come from we don’t even the space a sibling would occupy for tutor, Liu Ming Shi, about this phenom- test scores and how much their fami- speak the language that is spoken Chinese students. enon. “Friendships are built in the class- lies can afford to send them to college, here.” This is also an interesting phe- I doubt that to American stu- room and then developed during holi- Chinese students are sort of flung all nomenon in China—dialects. For dents classmate will ever hold the days,” she explained. She went on to over the face of China for their univer- every province, city and even village deep meaning it does for Chinese say that classmate is a very close rela- sity years. Universities are usually cho- there is probably an individual dia- students. Liu Ming Shi, however, tionship in China. I explained that usu- sen for the students through a mixture lect. When students head off to uni- expressed a common sentiment felt ally in the United States if someone is of government and family procedures. versity they must be equipped with by many new and even old univer- “nothing but” a classmate, meaning you In the far northern reaches of the “dong the ability to speak “pu tong hua” or sity students living away from home have no other connections to this per- bei” or “northeast” region of China “the common language” which is when she said, “Maybe it’s because son except through the classroom, then where I’m studying, I’ve met several what we call Mandarin Chinese. This we don’t have a family right the word classmate is used. She told students from the furthest southern is crucial, so that they will be able to now…just a dormitory.” me that almost all of her friends are reaches of China including Hainan Is- communicate with their classmates classmates of some sort—either from land. As incoming freshman, students who are coming from all over China SpaniSh Journey Explore Mexico this summer elementary, junior high, senior high, all over China experience two weeks bringing with them literally hundreds Learn Spanish quickly and effectively university or grad school. In China, a of military training as their introduction of dialects. And you thought your Experience the Culture person is a classmate first and then a to “da xue” or university. It’s two weeks first semester in university was rough? Visit spanishjourney.com friend. of marching, drills and wearing green In 1979 the People’s Republic Nicole Livermont Suspect #2 Suspect #3 Suspect # 4 Reporter Name: Charley Andrew Name: Taryn Nancy Reitz Name: Bugs Bunny Suspect #1 Johnson Major: Business Major: Horticulture Name: Vance William Van Major: Education Minor: Public Relations Minor: Spelunking Luchene Minor: Undeclared Hometown: Shepherd Hometown: Acme Acres Major: Undeclared Hometown: Billings Favorite Color: Pink Favorite color: Orange Minor: Coaching Favorite Color: Lavender Favorite Source of Entertain- Favorite Source of Entertain- Hometown: Billings Favorite Source of Entertain- ment: Shopping ment: Wascalling Elmer Fudd Favorite Color: Blue ment: Basketball If you were a fruit what If you were a fruit what Favorite Source of Entertainment: If you were a fruit what would would you be and why? Cherry, I would you be and why? Carrot, Bowling you be and why? Banana, it’s so like ‘em! because it’s a vegetable. If you were a fruit what would you long! What pisses you off the most Whats pisses you off the most be and why? Apple, it’s most common! What pisses you off the most about MSU-B? Food here is a rip- about MSU-B? Rolling backpacks What pisses you off the most about about MSU-B? Reading and En- off. MSU-B? Old Folks glish

Photo by Nicole Livermont Photo by Nicole Livermont Photo by Nicole Livermont Photo courtesy http://www.celsforsale.com Vance VanLuchene Charley Johnson Taryn Reitz Bugs Bunny

“Germania” in the dorms that people take? Well, what if eventu- Patrick Olp ally, the mutated little bastards became Columnist resistant to everything we threw at it? What would happen then? It would be like a super-virus that spawned in the I woke up the other morning residence halls and it could wipe out with a sore throat and immediately half of the world’s population! What do feared the worst. Was it strep? Mono? you think about that? Whooping cough? I was doomed be- T.J.: I think it sounds highly un- fore the day even started. likely… no, I don’t think that could hap- Welcome to the dorms, mecca of pen. all sicknesses. Me: Ever? Not even a small It’s pretty simple really… 500 chance? people come back from Spring Break T.J.: Um, no. from their homes and vacation destina- It was obvious to me that he didn’t tions, all bringing new and unique have as much free time as I did to think germs and colds and coughs and flu about these things… but it could hap- bugs with them which then start min- pen. Fortunately, the halls have protec- gling. The result: pure germ-mania, an tion against said sicknesses, as they have unbridled, unstoppable sickness, installed hand sanitizer right next to the spawned in the study groups and make hand readers in both dorms. I think that out sessions of the average dorm room. breathing masks would be appropriate, A cough here, a kiss there, and pretty as well as scarlet letters for anyone who soon: voila! An instant disaster recipe was sick with anything. Okay, maybe sure to make peoples’ lives miserable. not that extreme, but a quarantine room I was talking with a pre-med stu- would be nice for anyone who was sick. dent about this over Spring Break and My sore throat has yet to develop told him how I thought things could go: into anything, but if I’m dead by the Me: So here’s what I’m think- next issue then you know I was on to ing… you know how sicknesses mu- something… and T.J., you’ll owe me tate and become resistant to the drugs BIG TIME. Boozin’ An’ Cruisin’ Could Have You Losin’ sures the amount of alcohol on over. In fact, they were getting This is the process just for Melissa DeVries your breath). You’ll then be really pricey. Josh had to pay the first offense for drinking and Staff Writer cuffed and all of this is being $150 for bail, $660 for the ac- driving. After the third it be- taped on video. tual DUI, $200 for court ordered comes a felony which is much It’s Friday night and after a Once you get to the station, classes, and another $250 to get more serious, expensive and busy week of studying you go they repeat all of the field tests his car towed from where he had even more embarrassing. down to the local watering hole and then you can call someone to park it the night he got pulled Along with being expen- where you drink cocktails with to come and get you. Who do over. Add to that the cost of the sive, it is also very dangerous to other stressed college students. you call? Your parents? No, taxis he’s had to take since los- drink and drive. You could seri- You hit a few more bars down- they’ll kill you! Your girlfriend? ing his drivers license. The DUI ously hurt, or worse, kill your- town and before you know it you self or someone else. hear the all familiar “last call!” Since getting his DUI, Josh Quickly you and your friends get has decided to take drinking out a few more shots down before of his life completely and said, it’s time to head home. You’re “Nothing really good has come feeling the buzz and wondering of it. I’ve made an ass of my- if it’s a good idea to drive, you self a couple times and it’s just decide you’ll be all right, be- not worth it for me.” This is the sides, you live three blocks away choice Josh made for himself and a cab would be an extra $10. and if he ever starts drinking again. I’m sure he’ll have a des- “It’s not only cost me ignated driver handy. financially, it’s also cost Fast DUI Facts me emotionally.” -Josh, MSU-B student photo by Melissa DeVries 1st Offense: Min. 24hrs. in with DUI Passing out drunk is better than getting behind the wheel drunk. jail; max. 6 mo. in jail & $500 No, she’d be so ashamed of you. has cost him well over $1000 in fine. On your drive home Mike will come and get you, but the end. “It’s not only cost me 2nd Offense: Min. 7 days you’re jamming out to your new he doesn’t answer his phone. No financially, it’s also cost me in jail; max. 6 mo. in jail & $500 CD when you see some flashing one can come and get you. emotionally. It’s embarrassing fine. lights in the rearview mirror. Looks like you’re spending the and time consuming.” Josh said. 3rd Offense: Min. 30 days You pull off to the side of the night in the slammer. After losing his drivers li- in jail; max. 1yr. in jail & $1000 road to let the cop pass, he’s not In jail, the police officers cense, he had to wait six months fine. passing. will provide you with a khaki to get a probationary license that 4th & subsequent Offense: You are about to get your jumpsuit after they have taken allows him to drive only to and Felony with imprisonment for first DUI. You were speeding all of your belongings, includ- from work, and another nine no less than 6 months and no and driving without headlights ing your underwear. As you are months to get his regular license more that 13 months which may on. sobering up in your cold noisy back. not be suspended. The officer asks for your cell, you start to realize the se- After a DUI, the law re- To be legally drunk your license and registration. You verity of everything that just quires you to take classes called blood alcohol level only has to take a field test which consists happened to you, as well as the ACT (Assessment Course & Re- be .1. That would take a 180 lb. of following the officer’s pen, humiliation. ferral to Treatment) which is an male 5 drinks and a 140 lb. fe- reciting the alphabet, touching The above story is exactly alcohol counseling program that male 3 drinks to acquire. your nose, or standing on one what happened to Josh, a student lasts about six weeks. This is Yellow Cab’s Phone Num- leg. You can take or decline the here at MSU-B, and once he was the $200 class that Josh had to ber is 245-3033. Use it!! breathalyzer (a test that mea- out of jail his troubles weren’t pay for.

“Hostage” Holds Viewers Captive in Theater father and two chil- Smith family, pect? It’s Hollywood. This movie Dana Livermont dren hostage. Talley while also sav- held me on the edge of my seat Reporter is then forced into the ing his own. throughout the entire movie; in fact, position of negotia- Throughout the the entire audience was literally lean- Bruce Willis returns in what can tor, from which he movie, the audi- ing forward in their seats in anticipa- possibly already be named the “best has tried to run. The ence is left won- tion. Even the title sequence was movie” of this year. “Hostage” begins plot becomes even dering who is re- good. The characters were easy to with Jeff Talley, top LAPD hostage ne- more intense. As it ally in charge of identify with, and Director, Florent gotiator, trying to bargain with a man is revealed that the situation, Siri, is successful in bringing out the who holds a woman and her child hos- Walter Smith is a both inside the Willis that America has not seen in tage in their home. The negotiation fails, mafia accountant, house and out. years. I would urge anyone who can and all three in the house die. With the and the mafia is in- The plot fork up the $7.25, to head over to the guilt of failing the woman and her child, tent on protecting was captivating Carmike 7 and catch this flick while Talley transfers to a calmer town in their interests. from start to fin- it is in theaters. Your DVD player Ventura County, hoping to run from his Talley’s own family ish, although at and 20 inch television just won’t do past. It catches up to him all too fast as is taken hostage, and times it seemed it justice. The movie is rated R for three teenagers break into the Smith he is caught in a photo courtesy of Niki Porter little unrealistic. graphic violence, language, and some family mansion in the hills and hold the struggle to save the Bruce Willis stars in hostage. What can you ex- drug use. “Dry”: An Honest Account From a Fresh Perspective he needs to do to make it go away. Betsy Harris With the perils of life “on the Co-Editor-in-Chief outside” haunting him, Burroughs manages to stay sober for eight Augusten Burroughs does an ex- months despite getting involved with cellent job of revealing the idiosyncra- a gorgeous, crack addicted, movie star sies of alcoholism and the journey to type. It is when his closest friend dies sobriety. His honesty and humor give of HIV that he can no longer stay so- “Dry” an intimate tone that not many ber and once again begins his descent other authors achieve. As the reader, to his personal hell. you are left feeling as if you have been Burroughs describes his abuse told a secret by a good friend. with frightening candor as he tells Burroughs, a twenty-something of drinking himself to the point of New Yorker in the advertising busi- alcohol poisoning and possible ness, begins by telling of his many death. After he becomes too sick to accounts of partying too late and try- get out of bed and begins going ing to hide his problem by putting co- through alcohol withdrawals he can- logne on his tongue and wearing loud didly notes the moment he realizes ties to distract his co-workers. In no how sick he is. “I cannot walk across time, his co-workers are doing a clas- my apartment, even to pee. I must sic intervention and he is headed off pee in bed, sober, not asleep. I must to rehab where he hopes to meet pee in bed because I am too sick to movie stars and stay in a chic com- walk.” It had to come to that extreme pound decorated by Ian Shrager. before he would once again seek help. After his initial shock and hor- Burroughs’ concludes his book ror of the realities of rehab, Burroughs by realizing that the one most im- brings to life the characters in the portant thing in his life is to take it clinic. There is Kavi, the sex addict; one day at a time. As he puts it, “I Dr. Valium, the psychiatrist who took just don’t drink.” his patients’ medication; the WASP Burrough’s ingenuous narra- who was responsible for his mother’s tive and touching personal intona- paralysis; and Hayden, his English tions make reading “Dry” a breeze. friend, who he continues to keep in It’s one of those books that you will touch with out of rehab. Burroughs find hard to put down and it makes agonizingly recounts the tale of dig- you come away feeling like you just ging into his psyche to find out why had a conversation with your best he has the problem he has, and what friend. Rex Has its Own “Piano Man” three. He has collaborated with B.B. Niki Porter King, Charlie Daniels, and spent three Photo Editor years playing in Dallas with The Jimmy Velvet Show. Looking for a great time? It’s Lyle plays a wide variety of mu- back to the basics for local eatery The sic ranging between jazz standards, clas- Rex. Billings pianist Lyle Sheets plays sic and contemporary rock, to country. the bar six nights a week. Tuesday He plays some great tunes such as through Thursday he plays at 5:30 p.m. “Midnight Cruiser” and “Deacon until whenever, and Fridays and Satur- Blues” by Steely Dan, classics from days he starts at 6:30 p.m. Elton John, Led Zeppelin, and Lynyrd Hailing from a family of musi- Skynyrd. His most requested song is, cians (his parents played with stars such of course, “Piano Man,” by Billy Joel. as Ella Fitzgerald and Sarah Vaughn), The one song he refuses to play, though Lyle taught himself to play at the age of it’s often requested, is “The Rodeo Song,” the classic dirty lyric song from Canada’s own Showdown. When asked about the funniest moment he’s ever had onstage, Lyle laughs and recalls a time 10 years ago while playing during the famous Buck- ing Horse Sale held every year in Miles City. “This drunk lady took her shirt off and tried to give me a lap dance while I was playing piano!” That surely must have been a sight to see. So if you have a hot date and re- ally want to impress her (or him), then slip into The Rex and check out an au- photo by Niki Porter Lyle Sheets, a local treasure, plays at thentic piano bar to hear the smooth the Rex. sounds of Mr. Lyle Sheets. A Shout Out: Shinedown’s “Leave a Whisper” bass of Skynyrd’s version has been anger and hatred in the face of crisis Ozbourne, Saliva, and Black Paul Jangula replaced by the thrumming of Smith’s when what is necessary to deal with is Sabbath fame. This CD is a sober- Staff Writer voice. The haunting quality of the pain the crisis has caused. ing look at personal turmoil and a Smith’s voice and lack of heavy Shinedown writes of their album, way to come through it. If you like “Leave a Whisper” by instrumentation make you stop what “This record was written for the what you hear, there is good news. Shinedown features 15 songs in the you are doing and listen. This song is dreamers, for the people that have, in Shinedown is going into the studio heavy metal/grunge genre. The mu- the reason I bought this CD. one way or another been cut down in April to begin work on a second sic is hard rock and the lyrics are a “Simple Man” is a recording from or cast out of society for being album. I wouldn’t recommend this doleful reminder that emotional pain what, on the CD, are called the different or having an opinion, it is CD to you if you’re really de- is a commonality that humanity “Sanford Sessions.” These sessions an expression of insecurity and pressed, but if you’re dealing with shares. also include a remix of “Burning frustration, and yet, the will to difficulties and want some com- Shinedown is Brent Smith, vo- Bright” and an acoustic version of overcome.” pany in the same frame of mind, cals; Jasin Todd, guitars; Brad “45,” that is a darker look at the “Leave a Whisper” was produced Shinedown would be a good thing Stewart, bass; and Barry Kerch, “coping with misery” theme. “Swim- by Bob Marlette of Ozzy to pop in your CD player. drums. Shinedown isn’t like any other ming through the ashes of another band on the market right now. “We life/ no real reason to accept the way don’t like to do any thing in a typical things have changed/ staring down way,” says Smith about his band’s the barrel of a 45.” The .45-caliber musical style. Striving to be different gun is a metaphor for a bleak future has served them well. They have re- based on a past that is equally bleak. leased four songs from “Leave a It is fearing that there is nothing that Whisper” and are touring the U.S. can be done to make tomorrow better, promoting the album. but note that the lyricist is staring “Burning Bright” is the current down the barrel, not being blasted release from the record. It has been away by it. Many of the songs on the getting good airplay on the ZONE CD are like this. You may have to dig here in Billings. The thrashing rhythm for the positive message, but it is and rebirth message makes this a good there. choice as a single. The lyrics are con- “Lost in the Crowd” is a song on sistent with the theme of the whole “Leave a Whisper” that hasn’t been CD. “The more the dark consumes released as a single. It’s a ballad that me, I pretend I’m burning, burning deals with the battle of breaking up bright.” The worse things get, the fur- with someone you love but can no ther inside you have to reach to find longer be with. This song portrays the the positive aspects of yourself, and confusion and indecision involved “burning bright,” the more you have with this kind of inner struggle. This to concentrate on those positives. is a song to listen for if you decide to The last release was a cover version buy this CD. of “Simple Man,” originally by “Leave a Whisper” explores the Lynyrd Skynyrd. The thrumming quality in people to concentrate on Cover design Art Direction Lawrence Azerrad Design 960 S. 29th St W 656-0808

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You had a good Spring You had a bad Spring Break if: Break if: 10. You spent over your limit 10. You did not open a text on alcohol book. 9. You couldn’t remember their name the next day, nor did you want 9. You went to some place to. other than work. 8. You found out that your exes 8. You met a new friend. work at all the good spots to hang 7. You met a HOT new out. friend. 7. You made more then you spent. 6. On the last day of the 6. You left the bar before break you are cramming for 2am…alone. class because you had no time 5. You hung out with your to study during the week. teacher. 5. You did something you 4. You realized that the only never thought you would do. people you saw were your boss and your roommates. 4. You traveled to a new 3. You took naps during the day place. and lounged around in pajamas at 3. You had the ability to night watching reruns block out any bad moments 2. By the end of week you were that week. so tired of everything, you wanted to go back so you wouldn’t have to 2. You don’t remember work. how you got home, you just 1. You had to play wingman and made it safely. let an old nasty person hit on you 1. There were no regrets. while your friends were off with a couple hotties. Photo from archives 1965 Vol. 18, No. 17 ALMOST SPRING?-- Maureen Miller, Laurel sophmore is well aware that spring is just around the corner. Now, if only someone will covince the weatherman. The scene is on the PE Building steps.

Name: Nicole Livermont of: Condaleeza Rice and Age: 19 George W. Bush Hometown: Forsyth, MT Recurring nightmare: Major: Business When I was younger I dreamt Minor: Marketing that Jason [from “Friday The Dream job: Marketing 13th”] lived in my backyard in Manger for Pixar the tree groves and would kill Top of celebrity make the bunnies and birds. out list: Orlando Bloom or About your photo: It Johnny Depp was our birthday, my second Famous person you’d and Dana’s third. We wore most like to kick the crap out matching Japanese outfits.

Name: Dana Renee of: George Walker Bush or Livermont any of his evil cronies Age: 20 Recurring nightmare: I Hometown: Forsyth, MT don’t really have recurring Major: Psychology nightmares, but the other Minor: Spanish night I dreamed I kicked the Dream job: Anything I *@!* out of my boyfriend for don’t have to clock in for. no apparent reason. That was Top of celebrity make pretty scary! out list: What girl doesn’t About your photo: I used have Johnny Depp? to steal Nicole’s bottles when Famous person you’d we were little. Now if I steal most like to kick the crap out her bottles she beats me up. Lady Freshmen Come Through While Men Stumble four of the six singles points from the Metropolitan State College of Denver in the match. The Yellowjackets fought Kevin Koepplin Mountain Lions, even though bad a convincing 7-2 fashion. “If we didn’t hard for their team but came up short in Staff Writer weather had postponed the match eight have our freshmen, we wouldn’t have the end, losing 2 out of the 3 tie breaks hours and moved it indoors. The Lady done so well,” said Fry. they played. Pressure. The strong thrive on it Jackets captured the ever-important The only loss of the trip came “We couldn’t get the most im- while the weak crumble under it. doubles point when Lehman and Byrnes against Colorado College, which is a portant points,” said fifth year senior Just ask Nicole Byrnes about teamed up at number 2 doubles to beat Division III independent school. The Kellen Malone. “We didn’t put matches pressure. The team had put themselves McPhail and Vander Molen 8-4. Borges Tigers defeated the Lady Jackets 5-2. away and we came up short.” in a position to win the duel match. doubled up with sophomore Tia Smith Against the University of Colo- The one man who didn’t come Everyone else was done playing. She at number 3 doubles and won 8-5 over rado-Colorado Springs, the men split sets up short for the Yellowjackets was the was alone and the outcome of her match the UCCS doubles team of Barbari and in three of their matches; they then had other fifth year senior Sean O’Daniel. would be the difference between a team Duvall. to play a tie break for the third set. The His 5-7, 6-4 (10-8) victory over Jason win or loss. Playing like a seasoned The Lady Jackets also beat winner of the tie break would take home Bisanti of UCCS was the only win for veteran, the freshman single-handedly the Jackets, who lost the first duel match fought off a second set let down to win of the trip 8-1. her match 6-2, 2-6, 6-2. Instead of suc- “I thought I was better than cumbing to the weight of defeat, she him,” said O’Daniel. “I got down early, lifted herself and the team to a 5-4 vic- but I managed to come back.” tory over the University of Colorado The rest of the spring break trip State-Pueblo. to Colorado didn’t fare too well for the “If there was someone every- Jackets. They also lost to Colorado State one was confident in being the last per- University-Pueblo 8-1, Metropolitan son on the court to decide a tiebreak, she’s State College of Denver 8-1, and were definitely one of the top ones,” said se- shut out by Colorado School of Mines nior Becky Fry of the scrappy freshman. 9-0. The rest of the trip proved to be The men won a single duel very successful for the Lady Jackets. match during the Colorado trip. They They also played the University of Colo- beat Colorado College 4-3 by earning rado-Colorado Springs where the other the doubles point and winning three of freshmen showed their value to the team. the six singles points.

Heidi Lehman and Marta Borges earned photo by Bryce Skjervem “We just didn’t play to our potential,”said wins along with Byrnes and Fry to take Melissa DelSignore fields a grounder. Malone.

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$1.00 domestic Bottles-$2.00 Shot Special NCAA Hoops: How Bad Do You Want It? nounced sha-shef-ski) has his Duke been waiting for. During the 2001-02 Or will Wake Forest’s dynamic Kevin Koepplin Blue Devils running on all cylinders season, the Williams-less Tar Heels had point guard Chris Paul, who is averag- Staff Writer again heading into March. After a sea- a program worst 8-20 record and missed ing 14.9 points per game (PPG) be the son full of disrespect from the polls and out on the NCAA tournament for the one who is hoisting the championship As he lost control of the ball at analysts, the Dukies have earned their first time in 27 years. Now, coming of trophy? In only his second year as a the top of the key in the waning mo- way into a top five regular season fin- a thrilling victory over the much hated Demon-Deacon, Paul has beaten both ments of last year’s national quarterfinal ish and a number one seed in the Big Blue Devils, North Carolina has the Blue Devils and the Tar Heels al- game, Joey Graham of Oklahoma State Dance. claimed their first outright regular sea- ready this season. With a little help from didn’t panic. Saint Joseph’s guard Pat However, just eight miles down son ACC title since 1993. The last time his friends Eric Williams (6’9”, 290lbs, Carrol saw that Graham was in trouble Tobacco Road, North Carolina Coach they did that, the Tar Heels won the Na- 16 PPG) and Justin Gray (6’2”, 186lbs, and instantly dove for the steal. That Roy Williams is on the brink of com- tional Championship. Can they do it 16.3 PPG), Paul and Wake Forest defi- decision came at a price. As soon a pleting the turnaround that everyone has again? nitely have the talent to emerge from Graham regained control of the ball he the 65-team tournament victorious. spotted his teammate John Lucas on I know what you are thinking. the wing and quickly passed it to him. What about the team that was one point Carrol was unable to recover and Lucas away from a perfect regular season? swished the game-winning three- What about the team that held the num- pointer. ber one spot in the polls since week Is it any surprise that Lucas and four? Well, don’t fret. I didn’t forget Graham are making noise with the about Dee Brown, Luther Head, James number 10 ranked Cowboys again this Augustine, Deron Head and the rest of season? Not really. They are returning top-ranked Illinois. They are very de- four starters from last year’s Final Four serving of their number one seed and team that lost to Georgia Tech in the are the favorites to win it all. However, national semifinals. However, the one as history has shown, favorites can fall player that isn’t back, Tony Allen, was just as easily as underdogs. Just ask an All-American. Can Lucas and Gra- last year’s favorites Kentucky and ham win Coach Eddie Sutton’s first na- Stanford who bowed out after the sec- tional championship without him? ond round. Saint Joseph’s had only lost People from the state of North one game before Lucas sent them pack- Carolina don’t think so, and they have ing last year. The only thing that is for every right to believe that. With teams certain is that on April 4, 2005 at around like North Carolina, Wake Forest and 8 pm central, two teams will compete Duke all coming from the same state, for the most valuable prize in college emotions are running high in the At- basketball. lantic Coast Conference (ACC). That’s the most beautiful thing The big three, which finished the about March. Anything can happen. regular season ranked second, third, and Once the tournament starts, everyone fifth respectively, are all poised to make who steps on the court has the same a run at the National Championship that opportunity as the guy who is standing is to be played on April 4 in Saint Louis. across from him. Whether his jersey is However, they aren’t the only teams royal blue and says “KANSAS” across with a shot at winning the most presti- his chest or if it is bright red and says gious tournament in all of college “WINTHROP” in big white letters, sports. That is why March Madness is everyone has the same chance. It just so great. Everyone has a chance to comes down to whoever wants to wear (AP Photo / Al Behrman) bring home the championship. Oklahoma State’s John Lucas shoots the game winning three pointer with 6.9 the shirt that is labeled “CHAMPION” Coach Mike Krzyzewski (pro- seconds left against Saint Joseph’s during the 2004 NCAA tournament. the most. What You Always Wanted to Know About NASCAR ally preceded by three other NASCAR NASCAR isn’t for everybody. Paul Jangula events at Daytona. The Budweiser “Watching a bunch of cars drive in Staff Writer Shootout and Gatorade Duels I and II circles for three hours is boring,” said take place in the days preceding the 500. a student when asked what he thought “Bogity, Bogity, Bogity, Lets go The Gatorade Duels are used to see of NASCAR. Similar sentiments racin’!” Daryl Waltrip, three-time Win- where, in a field of 43 open spots, driv- have been said about any other sport ston Cup Champion turned commen- ers will qualify for the Daytona 500. you can name. “Not knowing the tator, starts every NASCAR race with Three days of racing set the rest of the outcome is the best part of this catch phrase. NASCAR is the fast- season into motion. Daytona is the only NASCAR,” said Rich Marquess as est growing sport in America. Crowds race of the season using this format. he discussed his NASCAR fantasy of fans ranging in size from 80,000 to Daytona does have a tragic distinction. league. “It’s better than any of the over 200,000 people throng to races. It was during the Daytona 500 that, on reality shows that promise the same Thirty-six races take place between the final lap, Dale Earnhardt hit the wall thing.”

February 20 and November 20. Most Photo Courtesy www.netaonline.org/ at 180 miles per hour and was killed. Marquess runs his fantasy league races take place on Sunday afternoons Earnhardt was a seven-time Winston using the same points system with a few races on Saturday nights. Drivers Start Your Engines! Cup Champion, and a former winner NASCAR does. The drivers get NASCAR, an acronym for Na- at Daytona. points based on where they finish tional Association of Stock Car and of the season. Following the Earnhardt tragedy, new every week. In the league, you pick Auto Racing, started in 1948 when the The first Daytona 500 took place safety precautions were implemented eight drivers as your team. Each U.S. was trying to make its own mark in 1959. The track at that time was for the drivers, cars, and tracks. driver is assigned a cash value and after World War II. Bill France Sr. paved on the front straightaway, but Earnhardt’s neck was broken in the you get $500,000 to spend on your helped found NASCAR and ran a few was sand on the back and in the cor- crash, so now all of the drivers are team. You find yourself cheering for races that year. The numbers aren’t ex- ners. The first race was one of the first required to wear a device on their your drivers to get you as many act because of disputes over which photo finishes in history. It took offi- helmets that prevents the head from points as possible to place higher in races were NASCAR sanctioned and cials three days to declare Lee Petty snapping in any direction. The tracks the league standings. If just watching which weren’t. the winner by a margin of two feet. are installing what are known as safer isn’t enough, you can participate by The Daytona 500 is NASCAR’s This year, Jeff Gordon overtook Tony barriers. The barriers, built into the joining a fantasy league. If you’re largest event. The drivers talk about Stewart in the final laps to win the race. walls, now act like shock absorbers, interested, you can contact Marquess wanting to win this race more than any The Daytona 500, being the first and give way as much as 10 feet at [email protected]. The league is other. The 500 is considered race of the season, gets NASCAR when they get hit. split into two halves, and although it NASCAR’s Superbowl. This seems a fans geared up and excited about the The driver’s safety being considered, is too late to join in for the first half, little backwards since it is the first race rest of the season. The race is actu- 43 start every race. The drivers range the second half starts July 7 with the in age from 19 to 63. Dale Earnhardt New England 300 at the New Jr., Tony Stewart, Kurt Busch, and Hampshire International Speedway. Jeff Gordon are some of the more NASCAR is just underway this

0RQWDQD6WDWH8QLYHUVLW\%LOOLQJV popular drivers. NASCAR is like any season, and already there are winners other sport. You pick a favorite driver, and losers. Jeff Gordon, Greg Biffle, for whatever reason, and cheer when and Jimmy Johnson have won the they win. Most fans pick a driver they first three races of the season. Kurt ,681 like to hate, too. Hoping Jeff Busch has placed high enough in 21 ' , ( Gordon’s engine explodes every each race to have the point’s lead, 7 6800(5 5 $ 

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 5  + fan should experience. There is no be Champion in November? You’ll comparison between watching it on just have to take a few hours on TV and actually being there and Sunday afternoons to watch and find $'9,625< smelling the gasoline when the cars out. 6WXGLHVKDYHVKRZQWKDW6800(5 start up. The sound of the cars getting 6&+22/FDQEHDVDIHDQGHIIHFWLYH the green flag is like 10 train locomo- tives playing tug of war with a 747, as PHWKRGIRUDYRLGLQJWKHRQVHWRU the cars go from 70 mph to upwards UHGXFLQJWKHVHYHULW\RI'(/$<(' of 190 mph in less than a mile. If you *5$'8$7,216<1'520('(/$<('($51,1*6 go, bring a fair amount of money. 6<1'520(3(50$1(17678'(176<1'520( Memorabilia for of one of the 60 to $1'%8/.<&2856(/2$'6<1'520(([SHUWV 70 drivers and team trucks is priced VXJJHVWUHJLVWHULQJHDUO\IRUEHVW fair, but there is so much of it you UHVXOWV'D\HYHQLQJDQGRQOLQH could spend $1000 in an hour without FODVVHVDUHHTXDOO\HIIHFWLYH&RQWDFW realizing it. Tickets for the races are \RXUDGYLVRUWRGD\ reasonable, too. Tickets for the UAW ChryslerDaimler 400 in Las Vegas &/$66(6%(*,10$< were $145 for four events over race weekend. The tickets include qualify- ing on Friday, the Busch race on UHJLVWHUDWZZZPVXELOOLQJVHGX Saturday, and the Nextel Cup race on &$//)25$66,67$1&( Sunday. The fourth event is the World of Outlaws at an adjoining track on Sunday night. The price is well worth it for any fan. Scraping the Barrel: What Women Want Mike “Wolfgang” Schrage can’t argue, am I right, or am I right? Finally, a trait that I look for has to be Columnist an iffy Green Card/INS situation, because nothing gives you leverage in Totally unrelated author’s a lover’s quarrel quite like the threat of note: “It has been brought to my atten- deportation. Yeah, I don’t know why tion, that Mrs. Marylin Webb of I’m single either. I’m sure it has Farmingdale, New York, took great something to do with my smoldering offense to my blasting of Neil Diamond sexuality. in the last issue. Due to the fact that I also think that women have “Momma Webb,” a rabidly loyal fan, unrealistic expectations in men. Being not only fed and housed me in my re- a man, I can look at these situations in cent foray into the big, bad, scary city, a totally non-biased way. (No, really) she also showed a hayseed from Moose You ladies want all these movie stars, Jaw, Montana the utmost respect and these fantasy men, these Leonardo courtesy. So, please, Mrs. Dubya, ac- DeCaprios, or these Vin Diesels, or cept my deepest and sincere apology. these Will Smiths! C’mon now, girls! But that bastard Neil Diamond can go Do you really want to spend a roman- right to hell, regardless.” tic dinner with The Fresh Prince Of I have problems with my Bel-Air? What if he makes you bring a current girlfriend. She’s nagging, friend and you have to double date touchy, vile and self-absorbed. Plus, with DJ Jazzy Jeff? These kinds she doesn’t technically, you know, of men don’t exist, so stop and smell exist. Now, a lot of you might the paternity suit, cupcake! Do you wonder what right I have to write a think that guys look at Hugh Grant column like this, considering that my movies as an insight into the female last date was around, oh, I don’t psyche? No! (Instead, oddly enough, know, the Clinton Administration? they read The Retort) You might Well, after several days of binge expect us to be like Hugh Grant, but

drinking, I have come to the conclu- you ask any guy how he feels about ol’ Photo by Melissa DeVries sion that maybe my standards are too Hughie, and the answer will univer- Mike Schrage- The Retort’s Thinker high. I might be going for the sally be they’d like to strangle him “wrong” type of woman. I prefer the with the laces from his own shoes for far too busy building pyramids out of The Beav’ in the backyard, and the women I date to have some sort of spoiling it for the rest of us. Hate to beer cans or searching through their next thing you know, Laverne and deformity, such as having a hunch- break it to you like this, but we, as piles of dirty laundry looking for a Shirley are overhauling the General back, or perhaps a club foot. This is men, don’t have the time for all this sweatshirt that isn’t stained with Lee drinking vodka tonics, and so when I, like, steal all the covers or “sensitivity” nonsense, what with Cheez-Whiz and doesn’t smell like a Cagney and Lacey are beating up on leave the seat up or something, she major sports teams being in playoff bucket of hot chum. (The exception for pimps and jaywalkers while humiliat- isn’t going to get on my case, games or pennant races virtually year this, however, are the guys on that ing Starsky and Hutch in beach because, after all, I’m not the one round. You ladies want romance? You “Queer Eye” show) volleyball. I’m not saying this is a bad with the rather distracting physical might as well swing over to Mr. Seriously, though guys, as a thing, not at all. It’s the natural flaw. (“Yeah, I might have stolen all Rogers neighborhood, kick Mr. Green “respected journalist,”(translation: evolution of things and if you ask me, the covers and sort of on purpose hit Jeans the mailman in the balls in a complete simpleton to take up valuable it’s all for the better. I think that by your elderly mother in the face with a display of girl power, hop on that space when The Retort fails to sell now we have established that while I tennis racket, but at least I don’t have trolley and ride it right through the wall enough advertising) I cannot, in good can quote all of Christopher Lloyd’s a club freakin’ foot!!”) Another pre- and deep into the land of make believe, faith, let the male gender off the hook lines from “Back to the Future 3,” I requisite for being Mike’s muse is a because that’s your best bet of finding so easily. Put down the bong for a could no sooner sort out anyone’s love very limited grasp of the English the “perfect” guy. So wake up!! second, set aside the Playstation life than I could remember the logic language. (“What are you doing with You want wining and dining, controller, and think. If YOU weren’t behind my roommate and I tossing a the remote? I don’t WANT to watch coddling and cuddling, and we YOU, and YOU were a woman, 17 inch Panasonic television set from a Telemundo! HEY!!) ‘Cause if you understand that. We also ignore it. But would you date YOU knowing who second floor barracks window in Fort don’t understand one another, you frankly, men, generally speaking, are YOU are? Not just no, but hell no. We Riley, Kansas in the winter of ’02 to aren’t exactly easy to live with, fellas. protest the cable company cutting us In all due respect, if many of us did not off just because we hadn’t paid our have the logical anchor of women in cable bill in three months. Anyway, our lives, we’d all end up like those forget about that. The fact is, that if kids that were raised by wolves or you are really taking my advice, I something. Think about it. If women would imagine that you rode(or ride) wanted nothing to do with us, they’d the short bus with the wheelchair lift be out buying tasteful floral arrange- on the back. I did, anyway. ments to go with the new drapes, and I hope I didn’t disappoint or offend we’d be running wild, rolling around anyone, so feel free to call my superiors in our own filth and urinating on at The Retort and give them a piece of highway signs. So, ladies, thank you. your mind. In the meantime, I heard all Often, I long for the old days. about this great Bulgarian Mail Order Where men were men and women Bride site I wanted to check out. I won- didn’t know any better. One second der if the University might give me a Donna Reed was sharing casserole research grant. Don’t laugh. They recipes with June Cleaver while Eddie gave me a column, so obviously their Haskel was beating the holy hell out of judgment sucks. Niki’s Picks 1) “Teenage Catgirls in Heat” 2) “Hang ‘em High” 3) “Dawn of the Dead” (remake) 4) “Better Off Dead” 5) “Roadside Prophets