Journal of Teaching and Research in English Literature An international peer-reviewed open-access journal [ISSN: 0975-8828] Volume 9 – Number 2 – April 2018

Struggle for Existence and Marginalization of the Third Gender in I am Vidya: A Transgender’s Journey

Twinkle Dasari [ELTAI Short-term Member – 30015351] Ph.D. Research Scholar, Acharya Nagarjuna University, Andhra Pradesh, . Email: [email protected]

Received: 18 March 2018 Peer-reviewed: 3 April 2018 Resubmitted: 4 April 2018 Accepted: 10 April 2018 Published Online: 30 April 2018

ABSTRACT Gender and sexuality are socially constructed and not natural. Sex is the polarity of anatomy whereas gender is the polarity of appearance and behaviour. Whenever a discussion of gender is presented it mainly takes place about two genders i.e., male and female. The word ‘gender identity’ too might lead one towards feminism. However, there is another gender which is often neglected. It is the third gender i.e., transgenders who are a complex and internally varied group mostly male born and a few biologically intersex persons, who cross-dress and may or may not undergo voluntary castration. The existence of the third gender is as natural as the existence of male or female. But transgenders are looked down with ridicule, disrespect and are marginalized in the society. The present paper is an attempt to analyse the struggle for existence and marginalization of transgenders in the autobiography of Living Smile Vidya, I am Vidya: A Transgender's Journey. KEYWORDS Gender; Identity; Third Gender; Transgenders; Struggle for Existence; Marginalization

Living Smile Vidya also known as in documentaries “Aghrinaigal” and smiley is an Indian trans-woman, actress, “Butterfly”. She was the subject of the award- assistant director and writer from . winning documentary “Naanu She is a transgender activist and blogger. She Avanalla . . . Avalu”, which is based on her holds a post-graduate degree from autobiography. University in Applied Linguistics. She started Her autobiography I Am Vidya: A her career as an electronic data processing Transgenders Journey was written in Tamil assistant and thereby became the first trans- and was later translated into seven different woman in India who worked in a mainstream languages including English. It is regarded as job rather than working for NGOs. Later she one of the most brilliant transgender memoirs. moved to the theatre is the recipient of the It was first published in 2007. It is the first prestigious British Council – Charles Wallace transgender autobiography in India. It India Trust Fellowship to study theatre in the showcases the struggle of Saravanan to UK. She acted in several short films including become Vidya. The struggle includes a lot of Kandal Pookkal and 500&5. She has also acted physical and mental draining. In addition to

8 her life, the autobiography also presents the Transgender in India is pathetic. Due to the plight of contemporary transgenders like denial of education and basic amenities like Vidya in India. food, shelter and water, they were forced to take up either begging or sex work.” Struggle for Existence (Subapriya 60) In such hostile conditions, a Struggle for existence is defined by few transgenders managed to climb the ladder Dictionary.com as “the competition in nature of success after much hardship and struggle. among organisms of a population to maintain Vidya is one such transgender who struggled themselves in a given environment and to for her existence and establishment of her survive to reproduce others of their kind.” The identity in a hostile society like India. theory of ‘struggle for existence’ was first formulated in 1798 in science by English Vidya’s Struggle for Existence demographer and political economist Thomas When observed the above definition of Malthus. In 1859 the concept of ‘struggle for “Struggle for Existence” it is clear that it existence’ was incorporated by English includes a struggle to exist. Mere existence in naturalist Charles Darwin in his “Origin of this world itself includes a lot of struggle. And Species”. In his “Origin of Species,” Darwin for transgenders like Vidya, whose existence is proposed theory of evolution based on hated by many and supported neither by ‘struggle for existence’ and this theory of family nor friends, the struggle is intense. As evolution is strongly relevant and relatable to said above according to existentialists and existentialist thought. Darwin there is a struggle for finding meaning Existentialism proposes that a person’s and a purpose to exist. In Vidya’s, I am Vidya actions and free will determine their one can see a lot of struggle that Vidya goes development and meaning to exist. through in order to find who she actually is Existentialists like Jean-Paul Sartre claim that and find a meaning to her life. The excruciating a set of individual actions determine existence. struggle was both psychological and physical. “They claim that people are born with no Vidya was born as a boy on 25 March 1982. purpose or definition and must act through She was named as Saravanan by her parents in choice and free will to bring meaning to an fulfilment of her father’s vow to name his first intrinsically purposeless life” (Morrison 1). son after Muruganan’s name. Vidya was born Darwin’s belief that there existed a “struggle after two girls and her father was extremely for existence” goes along the same vein as the happy. But gradually Vidya started to feel existentialist thought that there is a struggle different. Most transgender people face great for finding meaning. According to Darwin challenges and a lot of struggle in coming to existence is dependent upon the struggle for terms with one’s own gender identity and/or life and competition among species for the gender expression which are opposite to that availability of resources and ultimately imposed on them on the basis of their survival. biological sex. Vidya too struggled a lot to hide In our society transgenders struggle a her gender and exist in the gender of her lot to exit. Though transgenders have a lot of biological birth. In Vidya’s words, history in India they are constantly I was a girl. Unfortunately, the world suppressed and marginalized. Historically they saw me as a boy. Inwardly I wanted to were a revered group thought of not equal be a girl, but I made every effort status with other two genders. But nowadays possible to hide my femininity from the the situation is different. “The current status of outside world. I took the particular

9 trouble to remain inconspicuous . . . I girl and Vidya was very young to fully lead a false life of strenuous attempts to comprehend the extent of her loss. Even in swagger like a man and speak like one. such a situation with her mother’s body lying (Vidya 33) in the home all Vidya did was to slip into a Vidya used to reveal her true self in room feeling that no one will observe her and isolation. The change started when she was six then put on her sister's clothes and dance to or seven years old. She started wearing her the tunes on the radio. But to her shock, she elder sister’s clothes and sang and dance was discovered and her secret was out for locking herself inside, once everyone in the everyone. Her father thrashed her for dancing house had gone out. When she was caught, like a girl at such an unhappy moment. After elders used to think that she was doing some two years to this, Vidya says that her habits mischievous imitation of her sisters. “Grandma remained same but the way people looked at probably thought that I was doing some her differed. “My old ways – the same habits playful imitation. Hardly did she know the true which had been dismissed lightly as childish story, did she?” (Vidya 18) pranks – were now viewed with disfavour. Movies had a profound influence on Chitti and Radha scolded me for my acts, and Vidya. She loves watching the heroines Appa thrashed me regularly.” (Vidya 22) gracefully dance to the beautiful songs. She The internal struggle Vidya faced at used to imagine herself to be a heroin and that young age to understand her existence imitate them at home. To dress like a heroine was too much to handle for her. She often she used to take help of her sister's skirts and questioned herself. “What’s wrong with my midis, her eyeshadows, bangles, bindis and preferences? Why should a boy only wear costume jewels. As there was no availability of shirts and trousers? I like skirts and blouses. lipstick she used to rub coconut oil to lips as a Why can’t I wear them? Why do people find gloss. She used to wear a towel around her something odd in what comes to me head and twirl the long rear portion as a braid naturally?” (Vidya 22) The more she tried to to replace the long plaited hair of the heroines. come to terms with her inner self she faced Getting all ready, she used to dance in secrecy. trouble both at home and at school. People But sometimes she got caught dancing in girls started teasing her the way she walks and clothes and her family used to think that as a talks. Though she tried to hide her true self she childish act. “Though I indulged in my antics in had to face a lot of humiliation and careful secrecy, I got caught in the act embarrassment at school on a daily basis. sometimes. My family did not take it too much “Even though I was extra careful not to reveal seriously in the beginning. They put it down as myself, my irrepressible femininity exposed innocent pranks of a child and scolded me me” (Vidya 24). As she turned seventeen her occasionally, but they saw no cause for alarm obsession for heroines and cross-dressing at the time.” (Vidya 20) increased rather than reducing. But she began The strain Vidya took to hide her to comfort herself saying that, all that was identity is too much that all the time she used because she felt like a woman inside and to look for a lonely space and time where no because she wanted to be a woman. So the one would take notice of her. She was so much dawn of the fact that she wanted to be a troubled with her inner self that sometimes all woman started by that time and from that she looked for was an opportunity to sneak point the struggle she took to exist in her true out and be her true self. Her mother passed self-was increased. She started picking up away in an accident when Vidya was a small unisex clothes and was sure to do her antics in

10 complete secrecy more careful than ever called as Tirunangais) or transgenders. She before. then moved to bus stands where thirunangais Existentialists believe that in life there gathered in groups to beg and learned more is a struggle for finding meaning and a about their life. In India, the status of a purpose to exist. Similarly, in Vidya’s life, there thirunangai alias transgender is awful that is a lot of struggle to find meaning and a they were allowed only either to beg or sex purpose to exist. She struggled a lot to work. The moment a family realizes that there understand and establish her identity. Once is a thirunangai in their family they she understood what her identity was, she immediately disowns them and the shattered struggled a lot to attain her nirvana – the ones are forced either to beg or sex work left ultimate peace. Though she has been realizing with no other option in order to survive or and understanding the difference in her since exist. Hence, for a thirunangai to exist they childhood it was during her post-graduation in have to struggle for food and shelter as it is not university that she found that her meaning easy for them to find them both. Vidya gives and purpose, to exist, was to become a the readers a clear picture of the life of a complete woman. “University years were a thirunangai. The struggles they face in the time of introspection. I thought a great deal society for a mere living. about myself and the troubles and woes of my Struggle for the existence of her existence. With this warning bell going off femininity increased by the time Vidya inside all the time, I was plagued by the finished her MA linguists as first in the constant fear that people were watching me.” university. She dreamt of pursuing doctoral (Vidya 44) University days were the happy studies in dramatics but her femininity which days for her free from teasing and harassment has been subdued so long started to intensify. and where she completely realized what she . . . now my femininity was growing was. “I was in search of myself, going beyond more intense by the day. I was quite my confusion over my gender.” (Vidya 49) It unsettled by the fiery conflict within happened when she met Senthil a transgender me; a conflict I was unable to like her but who prefer to stay male but lead a comprehend. There were several secret life of a female. They are called Kothis choices before me: one, I wanted to be a and he introduced her to an NGO where Vidya theater person; two, I was obliged to met a lot of people like her and shared their take up a job of my father’s choice; experiences. However, she never revealed her three, and most importantly, my most true self to them but understood what she was virulent desire of all, my urge to follow completely and the ways to become a whole my natural inclination to break free of woman that is through Nirvana – castration of the maleness I had been born with and male genitals. During her university days, she be a woman. (Vidya 55) joined the theatre and played female roles to Thus Vidya felt that the most important perfection. She says that “. . . it was a thing in her life is to break free of the maleness consolation, giving me the comfort and peace and become a woman. When she shared her of mind to perform without fear or self – problem with Sri another Kothi he suggested consciousness.” (Vidya 44) her not to neglect her career but to Once Vidya realized the meaning and concentrate on her studied for time being and purpose of her existence, she started visiting be a Kothi and satisfy her feminine urge in the NGOs more often and talk to other secrecy the way kothis do. But Vidya never thirunangais (transgenders in are wanted to be a kothi she wanted to be a

11 thirunangai, a woman. She couldn’t tolerate want this double life. . . I want to be a woman. the fact that she was a man anymore. Please, understand me . . . I want to be a No, I couldn’t live any longer as a man. I woman, even if it means begging on the could not become a woman, I’d rather streets.” (Vidya 65) Such was the die. I wasn’t confused now. I had come determination of Vidya. She knew in order to to a clear decision, and it burst out into survive and achieve her womanhood the only words. Suicide had been an option in way was by begging or becoming a sex worker. my mind over the last few days. Such was the condition of transgenders in I buried my head in Sri’s lap and broke India. “The only way I could live the life of a into sobs. My decision was firm, bold. I woman was by begging or becoming a sex hated being a man. I was going to try worker. Neither my linguistics nor theatre and live as a woman. If I failed, I was experience could help me here. Vowing never ready to die. (Vidya 56) to be a sex worker, begging was my only Such was the psychological struggle for option.” (Vidya 66) With such determination, Vidya to decide and determine her identity. Vidya moved to Pune where she was adopted She was then suggested many of her friends to by an elder thirunagai and there she stayed whom she opened up not to get into trouble with other thirunangais in a slum in tin sheet with her life but concentrate on her career. But houses and begged in the streets and trains she could no longer be what she was. Even until she earned the money that was enough though she knew that the path she has chosen for her sex change operation. Thus, being a was very difficult for an educated person like degree holder, Vidya struggled to exist as a her she wanted to establish her identity at any woman by begging on the streets, at traffic cost. Without informing her family what she signals and in trains. But she was happy was actually on to she moved out. With the because she was begging to become a woman help of her friends, she enquired many NGOs and is going to beg as a woman. for sex change operation, where she Thus after earning enough amounts to experienced the same counselling sessions. undergo her sex operation, Vidya left to "Why do you want to stay here permanently? Cuddapah accompanied with other Don’t ruin your life by undergoing a sex thirunangais who wanted to undergo sex change. With your education, you can get a job change operation along with an older ayiah. elsewhere and visit this place to enjoy the Vidya calls sex change operation as NIRVANA company of fellow kothis.’ This was the – the ultimate peace. But that operation itself constant refrain those days.” (Vidya 61) But was a big struggle as it was nothing more than Vidya hated to be a man in public and women mere butchering of the male genitals in an in private and found wearing men’s clothes unhygienic environment. And there was no disgusting. guarantee of life after the operation. But for However, none of these advises and Vidya and other thirunangais, it can be said warnings had affected Vidya in any way. She that Nirvana is a struggle for finding meaning was so troubled by her double identity. Her and a purpose to exist. In Vidya’s words existence lies in her womanhood and she was “Nirvana! How long I had waited for it! What ready to take any struggle for her existence. humiliation I had suffered! Obsessed with it, I Nobody’s advice could shake her resolve. She had mortgaged my pride, my anger, my had clearly declared to everyone that all she honour – I had even begged on the streets to wanted in her life was to become a woman and achieve the end.” (3) Nirvana, the hazardous exist as one. “I can’t go any longer . . . I don’t operation guaranteed no life after, was

12 conducted in a room which Vidya calls a through marginalized groups. Our society ‘slaughterhouse’ (7) and with poor always puts some sections depending on anaesthesia, Vidya saw death in that instant. various reasons in marginalization. Societal But that physical pain and struggle had no marginalization and spatial marginalization effect on her mental peace. Finally, her are the two important conceptual frameworks psychological struggle ended. of marginalization. Societal marginalization is Inside, I was at peace. It was a huge associated with social conditions that are relief. I was now a woman: mine was a classified under various labels such as woman’s body. Its shape would be what stigmatized and oppressed under the name of my heart wanted, had yearned for. This race, class, caste, culture, power, and gender pain would obliterate all earlier pain . . . etc. Spatial marginalization is related to the I thanked them silently: ‘Thank you for geographical infrastructure of a group. The removing my maleness from my body; present paper looks at the societal thank you for making my body a female marginalization based on Gender and its effect body. My life is fulfilled. If I die now, I’ll on establishing an individual identity. lose nothing. I can sleep in peace.’ (Vidya 8) Marginalization of Vidya’s identity Vidya struggled accordingly throughout In her autobiography I am Vidya, Vidya her life to exist as a woman. Thomas Malthus describes how thirunangais or transgenders in 1798 in “Essay on Population” when he are treated in India. Despite their long history formulated the theory “Struggle for Existence” atrocities on thirunangais are so common in for the first time ever, argued that existence of India. In Vidya’s words, life is a perpetual struggle for room and food. They don’t seem to realize that For Vidya existence of life is a perpetual tirunangais eat, sleep, work hard and struggle for her gender identity and live just like anyone else. People look acceptance. In order to achieve that she also down on them, approach them in a had to struggle for room and food. domineering spirit, with contempt, with disgust, as if very proximity with Marginalization: them could pollute. What sin have Marginalization is a post-colonial tirunangais committed? If to be born concept. Dominant features of Post- male and feel female is a sin, it is colonialism include the first stages of nature’s creation. What can we do “Confrontation”, “Transgression” and about it? (81) “Opposition”, “Resistance” and “Revival”. In our society, there is no social Hence, postcolonial literature may be called as security to transgenders. The only thing they the literature of the marginalized people at experience is marginalization and hatred from various levels and fields. Therefore, it can also the society. In her life as a thirunagai, while be said that post-colonial literature is one way begging in streets, from shops and on trains or the other literature of marginalized. Vidya faced a lot of discrimination and Marginalize is defined by the humiliation. There were times when she was Cambridge Dictionary as “To treat someone or abused physically by passengers for asking something as if they are not important”. alms. In “Living Smile Vidya’s Traumatic Marginalization is to place something or Experiences – an Overview” it is said that “In someone in a position of marginal importance, India where these minorities are not even influence or power. It is the process that flows deemed to exist – at least legally – their

13 harrowing plight remains unknown to the commuters). Their dream to start their own heterosexual majority – who, in any case, shop came down within days. “The problem remain, by and large, not just indifferent but was obviously our gender, not the goods we even relentlessly hostile to them.” (Ramya, sold. We couldn’t understand the prejudice. Cauveri 33) What did it matter who sold the goods, so long Transgenders are so marginalized that as the goods were of acceptable quality and our society did not let them do anything other price?” (Vidya 110) The society was not ready than begging or prostitution. Firstly, no one to help them find their own livelihood. employs them in their houses, offices, factories In our society hatred towards or anywhere. So they have to look up for an transgenders or in that case towards any employment on their own in order to survive. marginalized sections is so imbibed that even And all they could find is begging and are kids follow it. Vidya has experienced the same encouraged in prostitution. “Hunger: but for in her life. After her sex reassignment surgery that, no tirunangai would beg on the streets, i.e., sex change operation Vidya could no trains, at marketplaces. They submerge pride longer beg for her living and returned to and dignity and put their hands out in Chennai to look for a job. When she was supplication, seeking alms, only because all working in a bank in after her Sex windows of opportunity are closed to them. It Reassignment Surgery she had very terrible is our tragedy that the world does not experiences whenever she went on a field trip. understand this simple truth.” (Vidya 137) Not only men but women and kids also laugh However, this doesn’t mean that they at her. One such was are not allowed to do anything on their own Even kids didn’t spare me. Once they but what lacks is acceptance and followed me when I was on field duty encouragement from the society. Vidya being a and sang raucous film songs at me. Who postgraduate never liked begging. It was very taught them to do this? Where did they difficult for her to beg, in the beginning. But in learn such domineering behaviour? If order to become a woman, she had no other you see a tirunangai, attack her, insult option except begging. “. . . even as my brain her, make her cry; chase her away told my hand to reach out, the hand refused to whimpering, screaming – that seemed obey! Tears were welling up in my eye. At that to be the rule, regardless of race, very instant I remembered my MA in religion and creed. (Vidya 135) linguistics, of all things, I stood there, nervous, Not just this but she had to face many hesitant.” (Vidya 85) “Shame, fear, ego, my insults in her life. Everywhere she went she education, memories of awards and rewards had to suffer barbs, ignore insults and brush and God knows what else made me pull back aside hurts. She had to hide her tears from the every time I tried.” (Vidya 92) After her Sex teasing public just to show off a strong face Reassignment Surgery, Vidya and her friend and not to look weak. Vidya suffered a lot of Prateeksha decided to take up a business as trauma from all these experiences. Not just they both were not interested in begging. Vidya every transgender in this country goes When they put their idea before their Nani, through this trauma on a daily basis. They are she was surprised but was impressed at their treated as untouchables. In vidya’s words “But determination to alter their livelihood. She Transgenders are of Dalits, the most blessed them, warning against the risks. They women among women – they enjoy no started to sell petty things on the train but equality, no freedom, no fraternity. They were not welcomed by the “rozwalas” (daily continued to lead a wretched life, devoid of

14 pride and dignity. . . Society marginalizes us I wanted to live a normal life like all constantly. Tirunangais have no family, no men and women. My being a tirunangai jobs, no security, nothing”. (137) was natural, just as men are men, Conclusion women are women, and cats are cats. To conclude Vidya’s life is a struggle for Trouble arises when people do not existence in the sense that she struggled to understand this simple truth. We establish her gender identity and acceptance cannot even describe our problems as from the family and society. In order to those of the minorities. All we need is establish her gender identity and achieve her equal opportunity to work and earn a goal to become a woman, she struggled for livelihood. Only when people approach food and shelter. She had to survive in the us with evil intent and harass us do we world where she was always marginalized, have to take specific steps with mocked at and harassed. “. . . they negative outcomes. (Vidya 130) (transgenders) suffer persistent inequalities in That was and to a large extent is the the aspects of life at the hands of society. They plight of transgenders in our society. Though are subjected to trans-phobic attacks which the Supreme Court of India in 2014 delivered a result in non-acceptance in the society.” landmark judgment directing the government (Tanupriya 3) I am Vidya, the autobiography of to take appropriate steps to protect the rights Vidya does not talk just about Vidya alone but of the transgender people, including the it mirrors the life and fate of transgenders in option of according reservation in education India especially south India. Transgenders are and employment, a lot has to be put into neither bad people nor criminals. All they need practice. The marginalization towards and deserve is a normal life. Their transgenders needs to be ended and their expectations are simple as that of Vidya. identity needs to be respected.

WORKS CITED Morrison, Marina. “The Struggle for Existence: Essentialism or Existentialism”. Evolution and Literature. Web Paper 1, Serendip Studio. 13 February 2009. http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/exchange/marina/struggle-existence-essentialism-or- existentialism. Accessed 20 Nov. 2017. Ramya, S., and B. Cauveri. “Living Smile Vidya’s Traumatic Experiences – an overview”. IOSR Journal of Humanities and Social Science. 19. 10 (Oct. 2014): 32-37. Print. Subapriya, K. “Unveiling the Crisis of Transgender in India: A Study of Living Smile Vidya’s Autobiography.” Veda’s Journal of English Language and Literature. 3. 1 (2016): 59-64. Print. Tanupriya. “Transgender Autobiographies: Advances in Human Rights and Social Change.” The Rights. 2. 2 (Dec. 2016): 1-7. Print. Vidya, Living Smile. I am Vidya. New Delhi: Rupa Publications, 2007. www.dictionary.com/browse/struggle-for-existance. Accessed 20 Nov. 2017.

Twinkle Dasari is a Ph.D. research scholar in English at Acharya Nagarjuna University, Andhra Pradesh. She did her M.Phil. in English and Foreign Languages University, Hyderabad, in 2011. She has also got through AP & TS SET. She can be contacted at [email protected]

15