10 Tuesday 30th June, 2009 The Island Features In this Feb. 29, 1984 file photo, pop superstar Michael Jackson, right, is Michael Jackson fans react during a vigil in joined by his sisters, from left, Maureen “Rebie”, Janet and LaToya on Santiago, Friday, June 26, 2009. The 50-year-old stage during the 26th Annual Grammy Awards in Los Angeles, as he pop star died Thursday, just as he was preparing receives an award for Best Male Pop Vocal. Jackson received a total of for a series of 50 concerts starting July 13 at eight Grammy awards, a new record. Jackson, 50, died at UCLA Medical London’s 02 arena. (AP) Center in Los Angeles, Thursday, June 25, 2009. (AP) by Nury Vittachi ment superstars so big that there was a shockingly bad cartoon series made he autopsy of Michael Jackson about them. In the 1970s, this was the will produce shock results for ultimate sign of success. If brown peo- Tsure. Forensic scientists will open ple could appear in execrable cartoons, a white guy’s body and find a black guy we could do anything. I realized that I no inside. longer had to con- One wonders which Michael Jackson tent long will be immortalized in statues. The nice myself and young man with the afro? Or His Royal wavy. Weirdness with the wig-like flowing Hero-wor- locks and detachable nose? Which nose shippers like will sculptors recreate? The one that col- me put years of lapsed, the one made out of ear carti- with practice into fool- lage, or a random one from the biscuit aspiring ing ourselves. But tin under his bed? to be a this time I failed. Commentators keep talking about waiter in a Jackson had left Jackson’s contribution to race relations, small cafe where his brothers. Not just but, with all due respect (ie, none) they no one goes. I could Jermaine and gang, are talking garbage. be a MAITRE D but all his brothers all When the Jackson Five made their in a small over the world. Jackson, a breakthrough in the 1970s, many peo- cafe where once-beautiful brown boy, devoted ple (including me) celebrated. no one goes. the rest of his life to reshaping him- For the first time, people with At last, self in various ways with teams of sur- brown skin, black hair and something to geons. He probably tried having eight big noses were entertain- aim for! legs or two heads. But the easiest thing In gratitude, I to fix, his skin tone, stayed lily white. He bought several copies of Off the Wall, let us down. If he hadn’t, I could have Michael’s first big hit album. Later, I made it. I could have been a waiter. got a job in a cafe in Hampstead, Comment on this article at London. The manager assigned me to www.mrjam.org permanent washing-up duty. This was even more menial than waiter. “Brown people are capable of great- ness,” I complained, giving him a cassette of Off the Wall. “Have you heard this?” Michael Jackson, the moonwalker In this image released by Rolling Stone, the Jan. 9, 1992 cover of “Rolling Stone,” magazine who strolled off featuring Michael Jackson, is shown. (AP) the planet The manager, whose heart and brain his fans that he’d contracted a weird were twin lumps of granite, replied: skin disease which had turned him “Jacko ain’t brown anymore. Check it white. I believed him. In this 1972 file out.” During my lunch break I bought a Then some time later, the manager photo, singer copy of Melody Maker. It was true. showed me a picture of Jackson with Michael Jackson at Jackson had dyed his skin white. I was white skin, Kirk Douglas’s chin, an up- age 13, the youngest so shocked I threw my sandwich into the turned Caucasian nose, and long, flow- member of the waste disposal grinder and kept the ing hair like Elizabeth Taylor. For a day singing group wrapper. How could Jackson, supposedly or so, I postulated the existence of a rare Jackson Five, sings blazing a trail for brown people, aban- disease which whitened your skin, did don us? cosmetic surgery on your nose, gave you in his home in But the following day Jackson told a Kirk Douglas chin, and made your hair Encino, Ca. (AP) The mysterious world that lies down the back of your sofa Sofa cracks are amazing places. I once able explanation of the spate of sofa-crack dis- turned out to be a discontinued line of choco- found a fossilized French fry from the early covery new reports circulating just now. late bar that had been wildly popular in the Jurassic period down the back of mine. The Children are more aware of the magic than 1980s. She ended up selling it on e-Bay for 1,000 weird thing is that the sofa itself was from the adults, frequently taking lucky dips for money pounds. Cretaceous period. Explain that, Stephen and valuables. “My sister and I had lucrative Then there was the case in Nigeria where a Hawking. way of raising funds beyond our allowance,” killer dropped his knife down the back of a sofa, And did you read that recent news report reader Thomas Seifert said. “We called it The expecting it to disappear for good. Detectives about a nine-year-old cat pulled out of a sofa in Sofa Harvest.” reached into the dark vortex, extracted it and Spokane, Washington, by an astonished Serious treasures have emerged. An unpub- used it as evidence against him. woman who had been wondering why her lished 1836 manuscript from author Hans What is the biggest thing that has disap- couch had been mewing, while the armchairs Christian Anderson was recently found in a peared down the back of the sofa? I’m not sure, lectronics manufacturer Karuna Menon had been standoffish and taciturn? Then there sofa. The photographs which made the reputa- but I had a weird great-uncle who vanished was in a friend’s living room when he got was the boa constrictor found in a couch in tion of John Bellocq, an American photogra- mysteriously from a sitting room without any- Ethe urge to stick his hands into the depths Brooklyn, New York. The snake was taken to an pher active in the 1920s, were found in a couch. one seeing him leave. He was last seen 20 years of the sofa on which he sat. (I’m never inviting animal shelter where she was named Sophie to Had it not been for the existence of nosy people ago on a black leatherette three-seater. He is him to my house.) He felt something odd down commemorate the fact she had emerged from like Karuna who stick their hands down the now probably in a parallel universe. If you there. He reached in and yanked whatever it that most mysterious source of marvels: the cracks of people’s settees, these masterpieces reach down the back of your sofa and pull him was out. It turned out to be fistfuls of treasure: sofa crack. could have been lost forever. out, get straight on to the phone. Call anyone real jewelry, including gold and diamonds. Your humble narrator was talking about Last year, UK teenager Rebecca Wells found but me. His host came back with the tea tray from this with some readers, and Angela, based in a chocolate bar down the back of her sofa. She the kitchen and was astonished at the discovery. Singapore, said she reckoned sofas were portals was tempted to put it straight into her mouth, Comment on this piece at www.mrjam.org to “a parallel universe”. This is the most believ- but then changed her mind. Good thing too. It.