The Parent Trap Making Divorce Easier for Children by Anonymous OFC Member
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SPRING 2008 • VOL. 13 ISSUE 2 NEWSLETTER The Parent Trap Making Divorce Easier for Children By Anonymous OFC Member Editor’s Note: If you think it’s hard for you to even think about divorce, imagine getting someone to write about their own. We thank this Our Family Coalition member for agreeing to write about his experience as one part of a separated gay couple with a child. He agreed in the spirit of helping other parents and children facing a family breakup to envision some more positive outcomes, and to fi nd good tools and assistance. His story does not address other aspects of separation and divorce like economic issues of child support or alimony, abusive relationships, or the eff ect of being registered domestic partners. Th is story starts from the premise of a child with two legal parents. Th e author’s child was adopted by both parents at birth and his separation occurred while he was a full time stay at home parent and she was 7 years old—4 years ago. He now has joint custody, and his child half time. lot of what you’ve heard about separation discussed her movie choice and the diff erence between and kids was true for me—that your kid is understandable wishes and reality for six months, but I ready to fi nd out about your break up long fi nally snapped 2 years aft er the separation and like the 50th before you are ready to tell her—and may fi nd showing and said “Lindsay Lohan is in jail anyway.” Bursting Aout unintentionally. But life sometimes off ers you some her bubble about Lohan left me feeling guilty, and good! unexpected help. For us it was at a family camp we attended As your dissolution moves toward the legal arena, there are with our daughter and her best friend’s family. Her friend a few things to keep in mind. Rule number 1: Keep in mind heard about our separation when our request for two the community expectation, promoted strongly by NCLR separate cabins was broadcast over the public address system (www.nclrights.org) that LGBT people should never make at 9 pm! (Don’t ask.) Th at left us 12 hours—until breakfast— anti-LGBT family arguments in court. Just don’t let yourself to tell our daughter ourselves. We let our daughter choose go there. Assuming that safety and fi nances are assured, try whether to have her friend with her during what we to avoid going to court all together. However, court ordered described as “an important family conversation.” She did, mediation materials have great rules to co-parent by— and we told her under the redwoods with her friend at her almost four years later, my copy is still posted in my kitchen. side. She cried a little, and then they went off to play. You might fi nd, as we did, that even if you do go to court, We learned that they hear things you swear were never you will fi nd that you need to work creatively yourselves discussed in front of them. How else did our daughter know to solve your own disputes. I still wonder if the S.F. judge the exact value we put on the coff ee table which was the last who heard our case could tell our legal papers apart, since item we both wanted? Go fi gure. they were not distinguishable as belonging to a “mother” It’s also true that your kid will likely want you to reconcile and “father.” Th ere are good resources that come out of the long into your divorce. I had to get used to walking past process, though. We found Kids’ Turn (www.kidsturn.org), my daughter watching “Th e Parent Trap” remake. I calmly (continued on page 14) Director’s Note Judy Appel Stop! In the Executive Director Name of Love activities and assess the size and funding of the proponents of this discriminatory amendment, we need you to be on he next few months will be decisive for our families the lookout for people gathering signatures and report in the quest for marriage equality in California. back to Equality for All. Tips will be responded to by their Last month, the California Supreme Court heard Rapid Response Team, our foot soldiers talking to voters oral arguments on the lawsuits that challenge the about this initiative and encouraging them not sign on Tconstitutionality of denying same-sex couples the right to this discriminatory and destructive initiative. Join the to marry, a case that Our Family Coalition is proud to Rapid Response team today by going to www.equalityforall. be a part of. My son Kobi and I went to watch the oral com. Working with other Rapid Responders near you, arguments and they were thrilling, with our attorneys professional team leaders will train you on how you can from NCLR and the city responding brilliantly to active help. Here is what all of us can do: questioning from the bench. At the same time, well- 1. In many cases, the signature gatherers will have multiple funded anti-LGBT organizations are paying signature petitions. It is okay to ask, “What petitions do you have?” gatherers in an eff ort to put a constitutional amendment on the California November 2008 ballot that would 2. Ask them if they are paid or volunteer—that’s also okay. prohibit marriage for same-sex couples. 3. Take samples of any literature they are off ering. Whether or not you believe that our movement’s energies 4. Do not engage in debate! If the conversation feels tense should be focused on marriage equality—and I believe or the petitioner is being aggressive, move on. Th is there are valid arguments on each side—it is without doubt information is helpful, but it’s not worth risking your safety. that at this historic moment the societal recognition of 5. Report back to the Equality for All Tip Line at us as equals entitled to the same civic rights and social [email protected]. When you encounter signature standing hinges in great part on this current debate. It is gatherers, please email the date, time, location, and paid/ “up” for us big time. volunteer information. Th ere will be many messages in the mainstream media over Like all parents, my partner Alison and I want our children the next months, depicting our families in both positive to be safe, healthy, and happy. We want our kids to grow and negative ways. Th is can be diffi cult for our families. up in a welcoming society where they can grow and Th e decision is a personal one, but I think that especially thrive without artifi cial barriers based on gender or sexual as our kids get older, this off ers an opportunity to educate orientation. As long as law excludes lesbians and gay men them about struggles for equality, about privilege, and from marriage and divides California families into two about the fact that change only occurs when we work separate and unequal groups, neither we nor the tens of collectively to bring it forth. thousands of other same-sex couples with children in this Besides working in our families and communities, we have state can give our children that basic assurance. Instead, a unique opportunity to play a part in a fresh, exciting and all California children are getting the message from the fi rst of its kind eff ort to stop the anti-marriage initiative government that it is okay to treat people diff erently based from getting on the November ballot. Since 2003, the on whether they love a person of the same sex or a diff erent Equality for All campaign committee has been leading sex. Our children know the diff erence and they feel it. a large and diverse coalition of groups in California, I am proud to live in one of the most diverse states in this including communities of color, choice, faith, and labor country, home to more same-sex couples than any other. I organizations, to prepare for an anti-LGBT ballot measure. look forward to the day—a day I am confi dent will arrive In response to this very serious threat, the Equality for soon—when California lives up to the promise in our state All campaign is launching a statewide eff ort to encourage constitution to give all Californians equal protection under Californians not to sign this discriminatory petition. We the law. On behalf of Our Family Coalition, I am honored need everyone who cares about LGBT equality to help to be part of this historic moment and this historic struggle with the Stop the Initiative eff ort. In order to track their for freedom, justice, and equality for all. 2 Our Family Coalition Board Update Deborah Wald, Esq. Changes in Board Co-Chair International Adoption ext month (April 2008) the Hague Convention international adoptions and, not surprisingly, religious- on the intercountry adoption of children is fi nally based adoption agencies are receiving a disproportionate scheduled to go into eff ect. Th is Convention is an percentage of agency certifi cations. Th is could potentially international treaty designed to provide a greater be a problem for lesbians and gay men adopting abroad. levelN of uniformity to the international adoption process, 2. Th e same, full home study will have to be used for all and to provide protection to the children who are being sent purposes. No longer will agencies be able to use one across national borders for adoption.