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turkey awards By Debra D. Bass • [email protected] > 314-340-8236 Time to carve up the worst fashion fads

efore the serious season of Black Friday power shopping, holiday decorating, gift-picking overload and end-of-the-year time crunches takes its toll, let’s sit back and reflect on something that’s not so serious. We give you the Fifth Annual Fashion Turkey Awards. These are items that inspire our mirth. BThese are items we consider fads in the worst sense of the word — popular for being popular, worn without consideration and therefore uninspired. In short, these are trends we wish would go away.

First on our list is HairUWear or any other variety of the oddly hued clip-on wiglets. The last straw for us in ushering this product onto our list of 2011 Fashion Turkeys was the introduction of the animal print extension. The 1-inch clip-in exten- sions ($10) are in shades of neon pink, ginger (pictured) and electric blue tiger stripes. We didn’t actually mind the Native American vibe of the clip-in feathers (until there were reports of feather shortages and people raiding fishing shops to strip lures), but this is the usual modus operandi of a fashion turkey. People don’t know when to say when. If a slim feather is nice, a neon purple tiger stripe must be better, right? Wrong. This must stop now, or we’ll have people with faux dinosaur bones hanging from their hair next. The feathers had a moment. That moment has officially expired. Anything else is just too painful to consider.

And speaking of painful, the latest fashion fad term is Plastic surgery gone mad. Maybe it’s “jweats,” and if you’re thinking “oh, no, it can’t be” then the ubiquitousness of Carson Kressley you’ve probably guessed that this is a -sweatpant hy- and the legions of people with immobile brid. We’re sorry to inform you that you can now purchase foreheads and overly taunt facial skin, Diesel Jogg jeans ($195). Apparently jeggings (jean ) but plastic surgery is noticeably boom- just weren’t questionable enough. Considering that jeans ing. The key word there is “noticeably.” are already leisure attire, I’m not sure why we needed to Maybe the clients are oblivious, or maybe make them more comfy. they plain don’t care, but they should If you’re in the market for jeans that look like , know that we are disturbed by the trend, you’ll probably love my new line of cocktail that and we probably aren’t the only ones. If look like flannel night . We here on the fashion turkey you have had your boobs, eyes, cheeks al- Kressley team don’t think that sweatpants should be worn outside tered, more than one person has noticed. of the confines of your house. Making them out of We discuss it openly but probably not with you, we don’t doesn’t change that, and in fact it makes it worse. J Brand’s think any ill of you, but it’s the rare-rare-rare exception that premium denim line also introduced a denim hybrid of this piece of gossip ends with, “...and she/he looks so great.” stretchy -on pants and Joe’s Jean Sweats ($158, the best This year we were introduced to chintox (yep, Botox for un- of the worst) are sweatpants in fabric only, but the styling appealing chins), umbilicoplasty (belly button surgery — get mimics traditional denim. However, this all just reminds the innie you always wanted, the press release touts “create a us of last year’s Hall of Fame fashion turkey — the pajama more youthful looking belly button”) and dimple plasty (yes, jean (denim-like that allegedly transition from you can have the “quintessential cute facial feature”). These REM sleep to a shopping trip at your local mall, if you procedures are estimated at $2,000 to $5,000. We can think don’t mind people pointing and staring). of many more fulfilling and self-affirming things to do with that kind of investment. If you can’t think of any, I’ll be happy to consult for a nominal fee.

Among the trends that we love to hate And to round out this year’s turkeys of excess, I give you another are peep-toe, combat . Some are em- gone wrong. One of the Jacob & Co bellished with studs and high heels, some sported by David Beckham, who usually dresses are flat with straps and ties. I’m sure some- quite impeccably. It costs $10,800 and has where the contradictions of this look are not one, not two, not three, not... OK, it what attract people. It’s edgy, they think. has five watch faces on it and five watch Instead we call this self-consciously hip ... stems to wind each of the five faces. i.e. tragically overdone. FIVE. Ostensibly, it’s so that you can The idea of these and the tortured keep up with five different time zones. ensemble that must accompany them is But who needs to walk around with not what fashion should be. It’s not a the wall from Grand Central Station self-expression, it’s a blatant dis- on their wrist? play of “look how cool I am,” I asked a guy friend to look at a you can see my toes in my photo of the pentagon-shaped watch, combat boots. “Get it, com- and he was not appalled. In fact, he bat boots are supposed to be kind of liked it. He admired its mascu- tough, but I wear them with line heft. Our turkey scouting commit- a fresh pedicure.” There is a girl tee was not swayed by this. This watch is who can pull these off, but something ridiculous. It loses its function as a watch tells us that she is waiting for everyone when you have to carefully consider which else to stop wearing these shoes one is set to your time zone. The tiny dials are all before she pulls them out of the same size, although each is marked with city her closet again. labels, such as “Toyko,” “L.A.,” “New York” and “Paris.” But common, really? Isn’t that what iP- hone apps are for? We love a statement watch, it’s the most prominent piece of jewelry a typical guy can subscribe to, but you don’t want to make this statement.

2011 fashion swans

Well, now that we’ve gotten that off our chests, let’s gander at our 2011 Fashion Swans. Trends tend to balance out from year to year and overall, we’re happy that, in our estimation at least, the good trends are still winning (and, no, not in a Charlie Sheen kinda way).

New shapes. We are loving the relaxed knits with asymmetrical hems, sleeves that bell and fit, and the nontraditional cowl-meets-boat necks. A particular favorite is anything cashmere like this selection from Garnet Hill ($158) in an asymmetrical shape that shuns all squares. It has three-quarter sleeves and a flattering tunic length. The right mix of fix and .

Capes. What’s not to love about a flat- tering outer layer that is warm and cozy. It’s technically a mini-slanket without the sleeves, but we’re not focusing on that. We’re smitten. It looks great with elbow-length leather gloves and that makes it wonderful in our eyes. Some argue that they aren’t the most flattering item, but after a few holiday dinners this might be the most flattering item we own.

Bali retro high-waisted half slip. Shapewear continues to have a mo- ment, and if it’s the go-to staple of every Hollywood starlet, who are we to shun it. Many of them are so enthused that they are wearing their undies as outerwear. (That’s defi- nitely a turkey, even if you’re a rock star. People look better in bottoms that aren’t body . Yes, even Be- yonce and Lady Gaga.)

Wool /leather sleeves. Sign us up. Actually, any of the contrast sleeving going on is fine with us. It’s a great way to change a silhouette. Wool and casual with unexpected sleeves in another shade of wool or a different texture than the body have a slightly futuristic look that tends to land on the right side of the swan/turkey divide.