that matter) may seem, there is always room for · Wisdom truly heard is new every personal expression. It does not, however, have time it is heard again. to involve rebellion or non-conformity. On the contrary, the greatest personal expression comes · If you know Aleph-Bet, teach Aleph from different individuals who are following the -Bet. If you know only Aleph, teach same framework yet show diversity and individu- someone Aleph. ality within that framework. · The true teacher only triggers a We were blessed with the framework of , chain reaction, for there is endless pow- of Jewish teachings and practices. Let us endeav- or to enjoy and celebrate our , in the er within. traditions of our predecessors, yet with our own individual flavor — to keep it going for the next generation. Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be $300 “Nothing new under the sun,” wrote King first argument, come to the premature conclusion dollars. Solomon in Ecclesiastes. And so, we discover that they must have made a mistake. “We had a Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as this week that infidelity and other marital prob- fight!” “He shouted at me.” “Let me quit while I’m

much as that at the garage. lems aren’t exactly a new societal phenomenon. ahead.” · Only in darkness can you choose light. One of the main features of our Parsha is the It may well sound ridiculous, but in my own Rab- · Real change is that which goes unno- story of the Sotah, a woman accused of adul- binic experience I have seen it all too often. There tery. In the ancient Biblical tradition, the hus- is a name for it. It’s called “unrealistic expecta- ticed. ¨ band would bring his wife to the Temple where tions.” We forget that some of the best marriages · If people like you, G-d likes you. ¨ the Kohen who would enact the ceremony of on earth had rocky beginnings and that it is normal · Inspiration without action is like a - the Bitter Waters. The relevant passages from and natural to take time to settle down and settle the Torah were written on a scroll and dis- into a marriage. flame without a wick. ¨ solved in the “curse-causing waters.” The name · In the beginning, G-d chose that Why is it that we expect our marriages to cruise ¨ of G-d appeared in these passages and, there- along smoothly without the slightest hiccup when your life matters. fore, every possible alternative was explored we have no such presumptions about any other · Each of us is chosen for a life no first in order to avoid the erasure of the Divine area of life? Say a business shows a loss in the first Name. If, indeed, there was no alternative, then ¨ quarter. Do we close shop? Of course not. We sit other could perform. the ceremony would be concluded and in the ¨ down, we strategize, we find new ways of doing · A friend is not a means to any end. process Hashem’s name would, in fact, be ¨ things and with time and effort things turn around. erased. · No reward can match the reward of Why then do we close down our marriages with having done good. If the woman was guilty, she would die prema- such alacrity at the first signs of difficulty?

· The most powerful act is to surren- ¨ turely. If innocent, she would be blessed, and Then there are those who are married for years but her marriage would enjoy a blissful future. der the delusion of power. are locked in loveless marriages. They see no hope ---- Thus, Jewish tradition teaches that no stone be for a better future and are resigned to living out · The sage and the simple child both left unturned to make peace between man and their lives, as Thoreau put it, “in quiet despera- touch the same truth. ¨ wife. Even if it means taking the drastic step of tion.”

· Love that is good, love that has – erasing the name of G-d! To save a marriage, it I’m here to tell you that it needn’t be that way. -- is worth it. meaning, such love is up to you alone. Many a marriage has hit rock bottom and then How much effort do we put into our marriages rebounded into a beautiful, sensitive, mature rela- · G-d loves you unconditionally. But today? Interestingly, the jealous husband in the tionship. He still wants you to grow up ¨ Parsha is also chastised should he overreact Here are a few important points to be aware of. 1) · Within every human soul breathes a and run to the Kohen unnecessarily. Help is available. There are highly qualified coun- child of G-d. ¨ Today, I fear, we run to the lawyer much too sellors in every community. 2) There should be no · In the simplicity of the child’s imagi- ¨ quickly. stigma whatsoever in going for help. If you have nation is a truth the adult can only envy. Too many young marrieds, after the inevitable the flu, you see the doctor. It’s curable. So is an ailing relationship. 3) It is never too late. I’ve other’ who does much for us every day, which about to dragged into the thick of the action. Too often we satisfy our urge to help by dispens- seen people embark on a fresh, new path after sadly, we take for granted. The yom tov morning service is every Kohen’s ing advice or vague well wishes, but a real bless- 18 or 25 years of marriage and they’ve never Invest time and effort into your current relation- chance to shine. Near the end of Musaf all the ing demands that we make an actual difference in looked back. 4) Fixing your existing relationship ship and you may be assured that Hashem will kids scurry into shul and burrow under their the lives of those we encounter. When we stop is by far the best option available to you. bless the work of your hands with success, happi- fathers’ tallit. The Kohanim ascend the steps in just feeling and start doing, we bring true bless- front of the ark, hide their faces under their Why is going for help the best option? Ask ness and nachas. ings to the recipients and demonstrate ourselves own tallesim, and turn to face the crowd. As the yourself honestly, is getting divorced and then Then, families will be whole and wholesome and worthy of the role of representing G‑d, as He looking for a new partner better? What makes rest of us hush in anticipation, they stretch out blesses His people. G-d’s Name will be complete. their hands towards the crowd and bless us. It’s you think they are lining up to marry divorced a beautiful ritual and one of the highlights of people with baggage? And staying single is no

every festival. fun either. Loneliness is no picnic. And don’t think your miserable ex is going to fall off Planet However, I can imagine that for a Kohen who The Torah tells of twelve sets of gifts brought as Earth after your divorce. You will still have to does not regularly take part in the ceremony, it Completing the head-count of the Children offerings by each of the twelve tribes in honor of engage him/her on family issues, especially if could prove rather challenging. You’d be up the dedication of the Tabernacle . Although the there are children. So you get to keep most of of Israel taken in the Sinai Desert, a total of there, literally on a pedestal; expected to know 8,580 men between the ages of 30 and Torah does not waste words, and although each the headaches with little or no compensation. when to take off your shoes, where to stand, tribe seemingly brought the same gift, the Torah 50 are counted in a tally of those who will be do- how exactly to hold your hands while reciting For too many people, work is a 4-letter word to ing the actual work of transporting the Tabernac- repeats word for word the exact order of their the blessing and precisely what words to say. donation - "Reuben gave..., Shimon gave..., etc.", be avoided at all costs. But if you would invest le. half the amount of work into your existing rela- I tried to help him. I showed him the instruc- rather than simply saying "Reuben, Shimon,... G= d communicates to Moses the law of tionship that you will need in order to survive a tions in the back of the siddur and deputized and Benjamin each gave..." the Sotah, the wayward wife suspected of unfaith- divorce, you can have a marvellous relationship. another, somewhat more experienced Kohen, to Each of the items symbolized different things to fulness to her husband. Also given is the law of stand by his shoulder in support. I did my best A woman I know is now on her third marriage. the Nazir who forswears wine, lets his or different tribes, relating to that tribe's role. In this I tried to counsel her during her first marriage. but I could well imagine that I left him only mar- sense, each tribe brought a different flavor to her hair grow long, and is forbidden to become ginally less confused than he had been to start But she was determined to end it. Today she contaminated through contact with a dead body. their gifts. with. You see, I’m not much of an expert my- freely admits that had she known then what she Aaron and his descendents the kohanim are in- All of the tribes conform to the same divine knows now she would never have divorced hus- self. I’m no Kohen and even as a kid I’d strug- structed on how to bless the people of Israel. gled when practicing placing my fingers in the guidelines, all follow the same Torah, yet each band number one. Because, with all his faults, The leaders of the twelve tribes of Israel each ritual position (Leonard Nimoy the actor who one carries out those very same deeds with their compared to husbands numbers two and three, own personal approach. bring their offerings for the inauguration of the played Spock on Star Trek modeled his Vulcan he was an angel! altar. Although their gifts are identical, each is salute after the gesture he saw the Kohanim We often see tension between conformity and Marriage and family life are part and parcel of brought on a different day and is individually de- making during his childhood visits to shul). creativity, between tradition and innovation. Peo- life. They can bring contentment and happiness scribed by the Torah. As I was modeling the motions for him, I caught ple ask why Judaism has to be so rigid and con- to each of us – if we work at it. Our lives can be forming. Where is creativity? On the one hand rich and satisfying in that deep, wonderful way – myself wondering why we bother in the first place. Is it not enough to task someone with the we need the foundation stones of our Jewish provided we are big enough to seek help and tradition; on the other, we need an outlet for our duty of blessing the nation without also expect- improve the existing stalemate. If we look at One of the Kohanim in our this past creativity, to personalize, to nurture our own things more objectively, we’ll probably find that ing him to play traffic cop at the same time? Shavuot is not a regular attendee. That’s alright, of individual talents. Why make him go through what looks like an we are both somewhat stale mates. course; every is welcome in shul, no matter elaborate game of charades, when we could just This Torah tells us that this is not a contradic- Judaism has much to offer to revive tired rela- how often you visit and no one is marking attend- have him face the crowd and quietly intone the tion. The entire nation, including individuals of tionships. While the system should not ance. He’d brought his family for the reading of sacred blessing without resorting to such expan- every conceivable character and calling, can do be regarded as a panacea for all marital ills, it can the 10 Commandments and had stayed in the sive gestures? the very same deed, down to every last detail, yet have a profoundly positive influence. Take the main sanctuary while his kids joined the ice-cream Perhaps the message being conveyed is that each person provides a unique flavor. Two peo- plunge. Call for an appointment to see your fa- party in the social hall. ple may do exactly the same thing in a very dif- vourite . He can also direct you to good words alone are not enough. It would be rela- However, he probably didn’t realize that he was tively easy to mouth some pious platitudes and ferent manner. professional counsellors who are committed to then slink back to your seat, but to really make a In the same manner, we can live in a civilized making marriages work. difference in the lives of others you must do -- society, governed by ethical and moral precepts, The Torah teaches us how sacred marriage is in more than just say nice things to them. We bring yet still thrive as individuals. We can follow To- the eyes of G-d. Let us show a little more re- - the hands and motions into the ritual to demon- rah and carry out its commandments, yet still spect for our marriage vows. And perhaps we strate that words must be accompanied by ac- remain true to our sense of individuality. No ought to spare a thought for that ‘significant tions. matter how conformist Judaism (or society, for