October 28, 2003 THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY FEATURES Page 21 Van Helsing’s Curse: The Surprisingly Musical Metal Halloween Adventure Ride

DOUGLAS MILLER vious projects is the total integration of Retriever Weekly Staff Writer a full-fledged orchestra into the pro- ceedings, allowing for a massive aural On its debut album Oculus scope traditional rock bands never could Infernum, Van Helsing’s Curse has taken equal. There are as many riveting trum- inspiration from the Trans-Siberian pet and violin solos on this album as Orchestra and created an interesting anything played on an electric guitar. Halloween-styled heavy metal answer to During the course of Oculus the latter group’s signature Christmas- Infernum’s 8 movements, Van Helsing’s themed orchestral rock. Curse deftly weaves their own original Formed by Twisted Sister frontman compositions with numerous quotations Dee Snider, the Van Helsing’s Curse from famous classical and rock songs, project consists of a five piece rock including Beethoven’s “Moonlight Courtesy of Miramax Films band, a thirty piece orchestra, and a Sonata” and Fredric Chopin’s “Funeral Third Time’s Not The Charm: Overextended parodies and gross humour taken choir that provides Latin chanting. Dee March.” One particularly inspired too far make 3 a hit-or-miss offering; you’ll either love it or hate it. Snider himself does not sing (there are choice is an orchestral cover of Black no vocals in English), but only provides narration at the start of each of the see HALLOWEEN, page 24 Now Playing: David Zucker album’s movements. Intended as a con- ceptual horror adven- Redefines “Bad” With the ture, the narrative of Oculus Infernum Horrible Spoof Scary Movie 3 (written by Snider) tells a story of ancient spirits attacking an KYLE MAHANEY zingers. There were also at least five 18th century village. Retriever Weekly Staff Writer writers taking shots at this tin can After the town is over- throughout its production. I’d like to taken, a child and a Want a drinking game you can walk think that Kevin Smith (Clerks) and descendant of the away from? Take a drink every time five writer/ director David Zucker famous Van Helsing seconds go by in Scary Movie 3 without (Airplane!) were responsible for the lineage team up for a wincingly bad joke being told. You’ll funny, but there’s no real way of telling. one last valiant effort be stone bloody sober at the end of the Of course after bombarding the audi- to thwart the evil pres- night. ence with so much over-the-top schlock, ence. This is the kind of crap someone the actual funny lines tend to go under The music of would write in a weekend filled with the radar. That’s what happens when you Oculus Infernum is a substance abuse. And not in a coherent make a superliminal movie. Even Woody clever mixture of clas- way, like the Monkees with Head. The Woodpecker wasn’t this freakin’ obvi- sical, progressive logic seems to be, “If it’s funny once, do ous. rock, and choir music it eight times, really quickly, before the The story (story, ha! Who am I kid- (on a heavy metal audience forgets the context.” ding?) begins with a parody of The Ring, foundation). The com- Hear that? Scary Movie 3 has no which has Jenny McCarthy and Pamela bining of metal with respect for you. Scary Movie 3 wants to Anderson…doing…something, I’m not classical elements is use you. sure; I was looking at their breasts. Jenny not a new idea - more OK, so it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve is quickly killed off as a prologue to the progressive metal ever seen. It had its redeemable return of our long-suffering heroine, bands have been using moments, but rarely has a movie sunk to Cindy Campbell (Anna Faris.) those sorts of arrange- such horrid depths. Rarely have I wit- Cindy is now a newscaster in ments and instrumen- nessed something so dreadful. Maybe a 3 Washington D.C. She is also blonde, tation for years. Stooges short with Shemp, but even making her look remarkably like Britney However, what then… Spears. So, now we know what Britney separates the Van Courtesy of amazon.com When a movie spews forth 60 jokes Helsing’s Curse sound Scaring Little Children: Dee Snider’s Halloween a minute, it’s going to have a few see SCARY MOVIE, page 23 from all but a few pre- Project combines metal and a 30 piece Orchestra.