June 2014 Becky Long, Editor Annual Butterfly Release & Potluck: June 10, 2014 at 7 P.M. Please note the different location! Holy Family Catholic Church, 6150 Pershing Ave., Fort Worth

P.O. Box 202654, Arlington, 76006 New Members When a child dies, at any age, We want to extend the family suffers intense pain a very warm, loving, and may feel hopeless and isolated. and understanding “Welcome” The Compassionate Friends to our new friends who attended provides highly personal comfort, the May meeting: hope, and support to every family experiencing the death Debbie Reeves of a son or a daughter, for the loss of her son a brother or a sister, or a grandchild, and helps others better assist Treva Hiesermann the grieving family. for the loss of her son

Jaya Hiesermann Graves Walk to Remember for the loss of her brother Friends Asking Friends “TCF Fort Worth TX” Team Page Now Open for Donations Jan & John Hiesermann for the loss of their grandson Our chapter’s team page can be accessed from the Home Page of the National Website. On the Love Gifts right hand “News & Information” column, click on “More Janie Rucker information” under the “Friends in memory of her daughter Asking Friends Virtual Walk,” Raelynn Rucker then the “Friends Asking Friends” yellow bar. On the left David S. Ball hand column of the Walk to in memory of Remember page, under Mary Freeze “Visitors,” click “Donate to a Love gifts must be submitted by the Participant” and type in Steve 15th of the month before they are to Roberts in the participant search be listed in the newsletter. box, and follow the directions from there. You can also click Send donations to Steve Roberts “Spread the Word” to email the link to family and friends. Our chapter gets to keep 85% of the Butterfly Release in June! donations made to our team. Make plans to join us to release a butterfly in memory of your loved one on June 10th, at 7 P.M. at Holy Family Catholic Church. We ask that you bring a dish to share afterwards. Feel free to bring other family members and friends of all ages to this special event. Directions to Holy Family Catholic Church: Take I-30 from either direction to the Bryant Irvin exit. If you are coming from the west, turn left on Bryant Irvin Road, then left on Pershing Avenue after you cross the highway. If you are coming from the east, turn right on Guilford Road, then left on Pershing Avenue. The church will be on your right.

No Birthday Table in June

Due to the butterfly release, there will be no birthday table at the June meeting. June and July birthdays will be celebrated at the July meeting.

Chapter Website

www.thecompassionatefriendsfw.com TCF Fort Worth Chapter From the Editor Need to Talk? Steering Committee It is time to begin our search for a Listed below are parents, Chapter Leaders new editor for our chapter grandparents and siblings who Jeff & Marty Martin newsletter. Please contact Becky have walked where you are today. 817-991-9121 if you would be interested in If you are having a difficult day [email protected] serving our chapter in this way. and just want to talk, please call. Treasurer Steve Roberts Addiction 817-914-8689 Helen 817-431-6964 [email protected] Auto Hospitality Jeff & Marty 817-991-9121 Marty Akeman 817-636-5645 Grandchild/Multiple Loss Christine Anderson Lydia 817-829-3801 817-300-6196 Drowning Lydia Moore Debi 817-270-3275 817-829-3801 Newsletter Drowning (young child) Becky Long Stacy 817-656-7540 or 817-275-9297 817-845-3433 [email protected] Long Term Illness Librarian Marty 817-636-5645 Liz Hutchison Welcome Bags Homicide/Only Child Janet DuPertuis Steve 817-914-8689 or [email protected] Committee Members Jeff Abodeely Suicide/Only Child Crys Aigner Joy 817-453-2227 Jerry & Sharon Austry Charles & Genie Dean Suicide Jaye Sanford Glinda 817-485-3772

Siblings Thanks to the staff members Cheryl 817-624-7043 or of Greenwood-Mt. Olivet for [email protected] manning the sign-in table and providing the name tags at chapter Middle of the night calls meetings and printing the Liz 817-726-3999 newsletter. We really appreciate your help! Want to share? We encourage you to submit your own works of poetry or prose for our newsletter. TCF National Office Thanks to Janie Rucker Regional Coordinator The Compassionate Friends for sharing an original work P. O. Box 3696 Bill Campbell in this month’s newsletter. Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696 972-935-0673 Fax: 630-990-0246 [email protected] Toll-free: 877-969-0010 9 A.M. - 5 P.M., CST, Mon.-Fri. Email: [email protected] Website: www.compassionatefriends.org The website contains links to TCF’s national and regional conferences, brochures, e- newsletter, online support community, We Need Not Walk Alone magazine, “Healing the Grieving Heart” and “The Open to Hope Show” radio program archives, webinars, chapter websites, and other resources. Facebook: The Compassionate Friends/USA In Spanish: Los Amigos Compasivos/USA Twitter: Text follow TCFofUSA to 40404

Additional Conference Accommodations Available

TCF has arranged for a room block to handle any additional needs for our National Conference attendees. They are currently accepting reservations at the Hilton Rosemont/Chicago O'Hare. Please mention the group code CPF when making your reservation. The room rate is the same as the Hyatt - $129/night. To make your reservations, please call 888.452.6943. of your own sanity, you have to stop asking why.” The Aftermath ofOur Suicide family drew closer together from this tragedy, and it made me more aware of how I had never experienced the hours talking and crying with me. much I value and love them. I death of a close loved one before I still get very angry at my also had the support of a good my brother died. When David brother for changing our lives so friend who was willing to spend died, my world came crashing irrevocably. That anger down around me, shattering me inevitably turns into sadness. I into a million pieces. My brother cannot see his smiling face, or and I were close, but I had no hear his laughter, or watch him suspicion that he was contem- grow into adulthood. Yes, I had plating suicide and had been for a dreams for him too. He was an long time. The night my sister intelligent, warm, sensitive, and called to tell me he was dead is caring young man, and I was etched in my memory forever. If I eager to see what direction his life shut my eyes, I can go back to would take. I can’t help but that time and place almost three wonder what he would be like years ago and still hear her voice. today. I miss him very much. It is a very painful memory and I will never agree with his one that I don’t call up, but it is solution, but it was his choice to there nonetheless. make and I have to learn to live The overwhelming feelings of with it. I am absolutely certain shock, disbelief, numbness, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I despair, and sadness are very will see him again. Only then will vivid. At the same time, I was I get answers to my questions. I outraged at what he had done to have no choice but to wait until us, to me. How dare he do this! I that time. couldn’t even begin to guess how By Nicki Wright many times I said, “I can’t believe TCF, MO-KAN, Kansas this is happening.” Reprinted from This Healing Journey The first six months was a An Anthology for Bereaved Siblings confusing and emotionally draining period for me. I was ‘ Bye for Now obsessed with wanting to have My love for you will never end – answers, especially from him. I Even if you are not here to receive it. read many books on suicide, and I wish you could receive this letter finally, after reading Iris Bolton’s So you would know how I feel – book My Son, My Son, I came to I miss you much and love you so. realize what she said was true: That fatal call I remember in fear. “You can ask why a million times That last time I saw you but you finally have to let it go, I cherished so dear. because the person you need the I wish I could hear your sweet voice once more. answers from is not here to give I wish I could see that sweet smile them to you. If only for the sake To brighten up my day. I miss you much and love you so – Good-bye, my friend, until we meet again.

By Jennifer Cohen Miami, FL Reprinted from This Healing Journey An Anthology for Bereaved Siblings I Believe

I believe Thirty Eight years ago, we had this beautiful baby girl. Growing up to be a precious daughter, sister, mother and now you would be the most special “Grandmother” and Haylea named her Kaylea Lynn after you, she is a doll. Hannah and Brandon went to Senior prom last night, she looked beautiful, so much like you. Teri told me she had a sister dream and that you were on the other side and you were okay. Mama wants to think that, but hurt is still there, I read “The Compassionate Friends” news letter, it helps and I feel their pain, but I still feel so alone, but I’m not. Your Birthday will be coming soon and you know flowers will always be in your vase. Mama loves you And I will always do what you ask “Take care of the girls” Mama will, Rae Lynn “Happy Mother’s Day, Baby”

By Janie Rucker TCF, Ft. Worth, TX After the Death of a Child They Speak of Hope

Hope for a better future? Shattered What is a better future when you have had to lose Shattered. that life so close to you? Mind and body held together by soul strength, Hope for feeling better? invisible tape from deep within. What does feeling better mean when grief has mutilated Shattered. all feeling? Shards of glass like a broken windshield, Hope for hurting less? still holding shape after impact, How can you hurt less but never the same. when you are in an anguish beyond pain? Shattered. All strength pulled to the center, Only you have the answer. used for gluing, Find out what hope means holding together what was left. for you. The first year.

Loss of my child, Uneasy Word a part of my body, an open wound, Hope is not an easy word for grievers never to heal. but we, more than most others, need to understand Not enough air in the world what hope can mean for us. to breathe, just desolation. Hope means finding the strength all life in shadow of my great pain, to live with grief. no consolation. Hope means nurturing with grace the joy of remembrance. How did I move Hope means embracing through that blackness so heavy? with tenderness and pride How did I manage our own life to move on to now? and the gifts left to us by those we have lost.

In time when anguish Both poems by Sascha returns full force, From The Poems of Sascha Wagner when I feel, as I must, the hurting renewed, Editor’s note: I overheard some of our I have to remember, members discussing hope during a take courage now. break of a chapter meeting recently, I made it those and a long-time member seemed to be first years, having difficulty explaining what we somehow. mean by offering hope to a newer member. I think it is interesting that By Genesse Bourdeau Gentry Reprinted from Stars in the Deepest Night both of the above poems were written by the same person and show how hope can mean many different things, even Vacations By Elizabeth Estes to one person, on different days, or TCF, Augusta, GA perhaps on different places along the Vacation time can be painful for grief journey. bereaved parents. Caught up with normal demands of making a living or keeping a household going, we have less time to think than we do on vacations, especially the "take it easy" kind-at a hideaway, tucked away somewhere. In the summers following Tricia's death, I found vacations could bring a special kind of pain. We avoided going to places where we had vacationed with her. At one time, I thought Williamsburg might be off my list forever since we had a very happy time together there. I tried it one summer three years later and found that she walked the cobbled streets with me. Now that nine years have passed and the pain has eased, maybe the happy memories we shared in Williamsburg can heighten the pleasure of another visit there. For the first few years after Tricia's death, we found fast-paced vacations at places we had never been before, to be the best. The stimulation of new experiences in new places with new people refreshed us and sent us home more ready to pick up our grief work. That is not to say when we did something or saw something that Tricia would have enjoyed, we didn't mention her. We did, but it seemed less painful than at home. One caution: Do allow enough time for sleep; otherwise, an exhausted body can depress you. We've said it many times: YOU HAVE TO FIND YOUR OWN WAY, YOUR OWN PEACE. Let vacation time be another try at that; but do give yourself a break in choosing the time and locale where that can best be accomplished. Don't be afraid of change -- it can help with your re-evaluation of life. Father’s Day A Father’s Prayer I just finished watching another I am a man, God, and I have been miserable cologne commercial on taught that I should be strong and TV. For some reason these are the show no weakness. My wife first signs of the upcoming needs me to be strong; I cannot holiday, commercials that are and I must not be weak and lean only shown at Christmas and on her. It is only with You that I Father’s Day to give wives and can be honest, Lord, and even kids some idea of what to get Dad with You I am ashamed to admit to celebrate a gift-oriented it, but I want to cry. I can feel the holiday. tears securely dammed up behind Like the other fathers who read eyes that want to burst. There is a this newsletter, I know the gift I’d voice in me that shouts, BE like to get this Father’s Day, just STRONG! BE A MAN! SHOW as I know there is no way that it NO WEAKNESS! SHED NO will happen. My son’s life. An TEARS! But there is another opportunity not to hurt when I voice inside that speaks softly and see boys who are the age my son somehow I feel it is Your voice, should be now. A chance to Father. Is it You Who tells me dream those dreams for that little that I am also a feeling human boy again. But that’s not going to being who can cry if I need to? Is happen. Instead I will get up on it Your voice that tells me that that day, having called and maybe my wife needs the wished my father a happy day the tenderness of my tears more than night before, and go to the florist she needs the strength of my for the flowers I will place on my muscles? You are right, Lord, as son’s grave. I will stand alone always. My wife needs to see my and cry for a time, then return grief. She needs to feel the home to my wife and our infant dampness of my tears and know son. This year will have a greater the aching of my heart. Then, just measure of peace due to young as we became one to create this Dan’s arrival, but I shall always life, we become one in our grief have that Alex-sized hole in my which mourns this death. I think soul, a longing that I know I will I understand, Lord. It is in have until I too die. sharing the awful pain of my grief Like many bereaved fathers I that I become an even stronger have felt the lack of under- man. It is in sharing my tears that standing of the non-bereaved on I share my true strength. Oh, how a father should mourn his God, help me to communicate my child’s death, and for how long. I deepest and most sensitive do not understand how a society feelings to my wife so that we can have such belief in the may become whole together. strength of maternal love, and do such a good job of ignoring the By Norman Hagley TCF, Palestine, TX intensity of paternal love. From the people whose only question at Alex’s memorial service was on how my wife was dealing with this tragedy, to the long-time friend who didn’t understand my choking up after watching a Hallmark Card commercial last year, the majority of people around us seem to have difficulty with the thought that a father may need to grieve for his deceased child just as much as a mother might. So that is where some support and love is needed, and needed badly. Of course we have Compassionate Friends, but something more personal and closer to home is needed. In a recent newsletter there was a note from a bereaved mother from New Jersey asking fathers and siblings to be under-standing of a grieving mother’s needs on Mother’s Day. I agree, but I would also hope that you ladies will not forget your husbands this Father’s Day as well. It is frequently said that we males don’t often talk of our emotional needs, and are reluctant to show our pain, but we need love and ‘warm fuzzies’ when we hurt also. Please remember us on June 18, and please remember also that those cute little sentimental commercials that hurt you in May, take their toll on us in June. There are definitely times when I can do without Old Spice, McDonalds, Hallmark, and AT&T. Brothers, I wish you peace, comfort, and love.

By Doug Hughes TCF ~ Cincinnati, Ohio The Child Who Wasn’t Perfect

Directions to theNon-Profit church Organizationcan be found in side U.S.the newsletter.Postage Paid Permit #2321 Fort Worth, Texas 2501 Millikin Drive Arlington, TX 76012

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June 2014

Fort Worth Chapter Annual Butterfly Release

Date: June 10, 2014

Start Time: 7:00 P.M.

Please note the different location! Location: Holy Family Catholic Church 6150 Pershing Ave., Ft. Worth

We will have a potluck after the ceremony. Please bring a dish to share.

Feel free to bring friends and family members of all ages to this special event. A Special Message to Our New Compassionate Friends:

If you are newly bereaved and have recently attended yo ur first Compassionate Friends meeting, you may have l eft feeling overwhelmed and emotionally drained. With the heavy load of grief you are carrying, you may feel th at you cannot bear to hear about all the pain shared at m eetings. Consequently, you may have decided not to ret urn. We would like to let you know that these feelings a re common to all our members, many of whom resolved not to expose themselves to such anguish again, but wer e drawn back by the knowledge that they were among t hose who “know how you feel.” Please give us at least t hree tries before you decide whether or not the meetings are for you. You will find a network of caring and supp ort which will help you as you travel this journey of grie f and assuredly, find hope along the way. We truly care about you.

We meet the second Tuesday of every month