↓ This Dumb Thing Was Made-Ed Sometime During October, 2012, Methinks

South Korea has reached an agreement with the U.S. that allows the southeast Asian nation to more than double the range of its future ballistic missiles, as the country grapples with what it considers a growing threat from its disavowed northern portion. The updated missiles will be capable of travelling nearly eight feet—up from the current three—and will be available in a wide variety of new ﬂavored-combustions, including Toasty Dermis®, Pyongﬂamed®, Koreans BBQ™, Sriracha Seoulmate® and Whole Flax 'n Fallout™.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during October, 2012, methinks

A recent study by the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation has revealed that the current fall television schedule features more gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered characters amongst its scripted offerings than any other season in the medium's one-hundred-plus-year history. Among the new and returning programs most representative of the LGBT community, ABC's I Muff Lucy; ESPN's This Week In NASCAR; The Weather Channel's ongoing documentary series History's Gayest Hurricanes: From Bruce, Thom and Rodd, To Turbo, Brett Butler and Xena; USA Network's Here Comes Robin: Holy Cow Was That Closet Stuffy, Batman!; and Fox News Channel's Fox & Friends stand out—with each respective show sporting an overwhelmingly homosexual cast of characters—while the lattermost stands above all, unexpectedly boasting a 138% LGBT-character count—a ﬁrst for any ﬁctional comedy program.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during October, 2012, methinks

A Massachusetts mother who entrusted her son with the routine task of taking the family's eight-year-old pet cat, Lady, to a veterinarian's office to undergo a standard flea bath has learned the animal was instead mistakenly euthanized, after a tragic paperwork mix-up. Remarked the offending thirty-year veteran of the veterinary arts, Dr. Muhammad Malik, "Come on, gimme a break—I got all the fleas, didn't I?"

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during October, 2012, methinks

Speaking with KIIS FM, Ke$ha revealed that her new single Supernatural was inspired by a sexual encounter the popular crunkcore-ist claims to have had with a ghost, while—at the same moment—a suddenly-insulted, pale young groupie— with a backstage pass and healthy trust fund—claimed to have slept with an overhyped, iTunes-haunting, demonic rap- banshee. Stated the man, "Albinism is no laughing matter."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during October, 2012, methinks

American Airlines has alerted travelers to prepare for possible delays and/or cancelations during the upcoming holiday weekend, after the Fort Worth, Texas-based company decided to ground forty-eight Boeing 757 jets, in order to inspect and repair the mechanism used to secure passenger seats to the cabin floor. The actions by American are the result of three recent incidents, in which rows of seats became dislodged during flight, leading to quite a scare for several Dallas-Fort Worth and Miami- bound passengers. Now in his tenth decade at the helm—piloting the company through bankruptcies, accidents, disco, labor strifes, oil spikes, unceasing brand degradation and the infamous Christmas party of '88—company CEO, Tex "Ol' Sly McSwiggins" Holdem, couldn't help but note, "At American, we know why you fly—we just honestly can't figure out why y'all still fly with us," adding, "I don't even fly American." In addition to the repairs, facilities personnel are currently in the process of removing banks of recently-installed T.V. monitors across the company's network of two-hundred-and-sixty-plus worldwide destinations, which had allowed deplaning passengers the opportunity to view, and, if they so desired, purchase an overpriced, colorfully-framed souvenir photograph of themselves and their row-mates—secretly captured via ultra-thin cameras implanted in yet another painfully embellished American Way Magazine article ballyhooing the magical splendor of Phoenix or Cowhole, Indiana—at the exact moment of disengagement.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during October, 2012, methinks

New research suggests some ﬁsh species may shrink up to 24% by the year 2050, due to a global warming-related reduction of the oxygen concentration in water. Quipped an underwhelmed Martha Bluegill—spawned-and-raised in Mississippi River, Mississippi—of husband Ernest's recent issues, "Uhhh-huh. Right. First it's the cold water, and now it's the oxygen? What'll you tell me next? Males of our species don't have penises to begin with? Boy, I tell you what."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during October, 2012, methinks

With the ﬁrst of three presidential debates in the history books, large teams of both hardware and software experts— contracted by the respective major U.S. political parties—are hard at work repairing and recalibrating their presidential election entries.

The Republican team—in cooperation with the Microsoft Corporation—is in the process of updating Mitt Romney's current store of policy- and-issue positions, and is rumored to be beeﬁng-up processing power in the candidate's admittedly undersized half-core human emotion chip, while the Obama team—represented by designers and engineers from Cupertino, California-based Apple Incorporated—has remained tight-lipped in regards to possible changes or upgrades to the Democratic team's candidate.

Among industry watchers, some believe photographs recently leaked by a Taiwanese political-technology blog prove the existence of new Obama hardware—likely running a revamped version of obamOS—though nothing has yet been conﬁrmed. Teased lead Obama designer, Jony Ive, "You know the drill—we aren't going to reveal any details. Let me just say this, though: If you thought hope and change were revolutionary, magical and expensive, wait till you get a load of despair and stagnation." On the Romney team, the showmanship aspect has been notably more subdued, while precise details are equally as sketchy, with chief engineer, Jeff, saying only, "Hopefully the switch from Romney XP to Vista will offer greater appeal to the Latino voting bloc, and a thorough defrag should help to clear up some of the lingering alienation issues in 47% of the candidate's registry logs."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during October, 2012, methinks

Following a massive concert in Central Park, the Foo Fighters—appointed by President Bill Clinton to lead the controversial, open-ended "war on foo"—have been temporarily self-decommissioned, after all known foo was deemed by U.N. Secretary General, Ban Ki-moon, to have been successfully fought. Awash in the thunderous overture of February Stars and Stripes Forever—beneath a large banner sporting the slogan: "Mi$$ion Accompli$hed"—band leader, Maj. Gen. David E. Grohl, stood perched atop the deck of the foo-boat fighting FOO.S.S. Monkey Wrench, proclaiming, "We did it! We finally reached nirvana … levels of ticket sales." Should any residual foo be detected—explained Mr. Ki-moon—the band will be summoned from its hiatus, and, "stretch the meaning of 'best of' to its absolute limit, releasing another 'best of' album; license their music to small-town Telemundo affiliates' morning traffic updates; play grocery store re-grand openings and Lollapalooza—whatever it takes to knock that foo back to the [Queens of the] Stone Age." He added, "I pity the foo—I truly do."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during October, 2012, methinks

UPDATE: Additional details have come to light in a story upon which Newspunch reported earlier, related to an Arizona ski resort successfully deﬂecting a Native American environmentalist's desperate challenges to its expansion…

Donning a Washington Redskins® pullover ﬂeece—in light of the burgeoning chill—he continued, "Anyway, you're gonna love the new layout. With the freshest artiﬁcial snow in the region—from "all natural sources"—you'd better watch your backsides, Aspen!—'cause them things are some choice snow-makers!" Pausing to rhythmically glide a sacred, three-thousand-year-old arrowhead back and forth across his genitals, relieving the faintest of itches, he went on, "That chimichanga you ate last week? Snow. That extra cup of coffee on Mondays? Snow. That cabbage and curry; that squid fried rice; that one-margarita-too-many? Snow, snow and more snow!" Using a rare, ancient dreamcatcher to swat dead a noble bumble bee, he concluded, "Turning the runs into world-class ski runs—with the softest, lightest, fastest peeder and pooder anywhere—there's just no place quite like it. From your toiletbowl to the Snowbowl, Arizona's ski resorts have got you covered! Do not eat the beige snow."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during October, 2012, methinks

As part of a growing trend toward geography-derived celebrity-baby-names—rooted in U2 frontman Bono's 1991 naming of daughter Memphis Eve—Reese Witherspoon has named her new baby boy Tennessee James. Speaking out in defense of the affected, co-founders of Seriously, Rob Or Meryl Or Tom Woulda Done Just Fine—Honda Civic De Niro, Puggle Streep, and Prilosec OTC Hanks, themselves victims of past celebrity-baby-name fads—pleaded, "For the sake of Sweet Home Alabama Afﬂeck, this has got to stop."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during October, 2012, methinks

A ten-year veteran of environmental activism—known to chain himself to excavators and stare down oncoming bulldozers —and member of the Navajo Tribe, Klee Benally, has lost his bid to keep a ski resort in Arizona's San Francisco Peaks, north of Flagstaff, from moving forward with plans to significantly expand its boundaries. The resort has already razed seventy-four acres of forest, and will begin pumping in treated sewage waste—for use on its slopes as artificial snow—beginning this season. With a tear in his eye, the soft-spoken Benally stated, "Once, this mountain was sacred; proud. Now, it's just a bunch of yuppies and shit." T. Rail O'Tearsy, head of public relations for the resort—known as the Arizona Snowbowl—explained, "We have tremendous respect for the woo-woo red man, and we feel for his plight; truly we do—but who's to say his plight is any more important than that of the affluent-anglo aficionado of fancy alpine-gallivanting? Those brave souls long-oppressed by waits of up to ten minutes for a spot on the lift, in a desperately undersized upperclass playground? God, Jesus and George Washington long-ago gave us this land to do with what we pleased, and I for one refuse to believe that God, Jesus or George Washington would ever reduce themselves to Indian giving."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during October, 2012, methinks

NASA has announced the discovery of what it calls "definitive proof" an ancient stream once flowed near Mars's equator, after its Curiosity mobile-chemistry-lab un-mars-ed round, smooth stones near Gale Crater. Said amateur space enthusiast and Republican presidential campaign advisor, Rocketship "Phil" Jones, "This discovery offers renewed hope we may someday find evidence that both Mars and the salty husk encompassing our candidate once harbored life." In related news, cofounder and president of the Trump Institute For Rudimentary Genealogy, Donald "Donald [expletive deleted] Trump" Trump—widely believed to have gone permanently dormant, and rumored to cranially-harbor an alien life-force of his own, possibly originating from deep within the distant Combover Galactic Cluster or an expired Clydesdale's haunch—has reawakened. Wasting no time in reviving his long-standing skepticism of President Barack Obama's U.S. citizenship, the proud Doucheopean-American stated, "Water? On Mars? Boom. Life on Mars. Life on Mars? Boom. People from Mars. You see what I'm saying? Not only was [Obama] not born in America, he wasn't even born on Earth. Red? Boom. Socialism? Boom. Red Planet? Boom, boom, boom. The president's a communist martian. How did we not make the connection a long time ago? From Hawaii my supremely high-brow asshole." He added, "Boom."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during October, 2012, methinks The Baltimore Ravens have pled guilty to a charge of forceful winning—after intentionally dispatching the visiting Cleveland Browns by a score of 23-16 Thursday night—but maintain the assertion the bulk of their brazen point-scoring was committed in self-offense. Explained a deﬁant John Harbaugh, ringleader of the Charm City-based footballing gang, "We're not gonna shrink and hide from what we've done. I stand by my guys, and, given the opportunity, we'd do it all again—sixteen times a year, if need be. Any given Sunday."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed either in late September, 2012 or early October, 2012, methinks Sketch: "Inﬂammatory Yuletitis" As the regular season winds down and the holiday season prepares to take the stage (or, if that doesn't work with the time of year you're reading this, then this is just for the hell of it), I thought it appropriate to dispel a few misconceptions about how the whole Santa Claus-and-the-life-eternal thing works. You didn't know that you didn't know how something that doesn't exist— and therefore can work any which way you like—works? Oh. Well. I don't mean to ruin it for you or anything. Just forget about it. And for what it's worth, the Easter Bunny does exist, and he doesn't eat power-boosting Chinese babies all year in preparation for his annual freaky rodent-rounds, with candy all up in his rabbit pants. So … carry on, then. Please just ignore this sketch (after you've not ignored it by reading it, preferably).

[ note: as is noted in the sketch itself, this was written with will ferrell in mind as santa, and tobey maguire and cheri oteri playing the kids, and, short of that (and maybe even with that) i think it kinda, totally sucks. then again, i think everything i do sucks, so who really knows? just tryna give you a heads up… ] peep the PDF

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed on or around September 22, 2012

Magazine Covers From The Future As it's that Sunday of the year when I always venture back into my garage, I went ahead and dug out the ol' lawn mower again, and—as I ladled the Sasquatch feces from the clippings bag—I was super-happy to stumble upon my time machine, buried under some old cow hides and plastic tubs full of empty shoe boxes, next to the atom smasher. Naturally, I looked at the two machines and decided to take a trip on the fun one ﬁrst, and then—once the lawn was mowed to satisfaction, and I'd had a decent-enough coffee break on my SkyMall® portable stoop—I dialed up June of 2022, and hit the Walmart-owned TargetCostcoTheMall megacenter's one-square-foot magazine section, greedily snatching up this pictorial gem for your enjoyment. I also grabbed as many gallons of milk as I could carry, 'cause they're good for like ten years and change. ↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

Fresh off its patent-lawsuit win over Samsung—receiving over $1 billion in damages—Apple has asked a U.S. court to force the South Korean industrial conglomerate to fork over nearly $1 billion more, in accrued interest. Said totally-willing Apple spokesman, #187/F "Dan" DF-036a, "One hundred-plus billions are nice from a maintaining-suffocating-power standpoint, sure, but more than anything else—at where-heart-should-be—we're all just hobbyists and fanboys ourselves, and who wouldn't wanna collect them all?"

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

A twenty-five-year-old man was nearly mauled to death by a ten-year-old Bronx Zoo Siberian tiger, after he leapt from a moving monorail train, and cleared a sixteen-foot electrified, protective fence. Upon crashing into the open-air enclosure— where only one of the ten resident jungle-cats was present at the time—the man suffered a fractured leg, prompting him to stand and proclaim, "Sic semper tigerannis!" Shortly thereafter, the four-hundred pound north Asian feline heeded his words, and pounced; fracturing the man's arm, and leaving deep gashes and puncture wounds on nearly every inch of his body. Said the unidentified man—after zoo staff had successfully deployed fire extinguishers to drive the beast away—of the episode, "Hi. I call him 'Tony.' He's gggggrrrrreeeeaaat!"

Explained Zoo spokesman, Sun Yun Wei Bellweather, "Oh, it ain't no thing. What people outside the tri-state forget is that we New Yorkers are required to do something absolutely bat-shit in public every ﬁfteen years, or risk losing our city residency. Look it up—on the books since 1806." Feverishly gnawing at a bundle of dried twigs, he added, "I gotta say though, this was impressive. It's really nice to see some real creativity every now-and-then. You know—not just another, 'Okay, I guess I'll piss on the MetroCard machine and sing an intricate Inuit showtune to my balls.' This tiger thing was a real breath of fresh air."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

A Seattle chiropractor and his wife have been sentenced to eighteen months in prison, after being convicted of fraudulently receiving over $100,000 in state and federal welfare assistance, while living in a lavish, $1.2 million waterfront home, and sporting expensive jewelry. Said everyone, "You're telling us someone with the strength of character to enter the ﬁeld of chiropractics has a shady side? Right. And we bet Santa Claus has rampant diabetes, too." ↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

Wealthy job-creators within Bank of America management's upper echelons are accelerating plans to eliminate thirty- thousand jobs at the ﬁrm, announcing that sixteen-thousand workers will receive pink slips before year's end. Fiendishly jested major B of A shareholder, E. Bain Ezer-Screwyouge, upon learning of the expedited cuts, "Ah, yes—the American- spirit of the season is upon us. Jobless us, every one."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

Refusing to suckle at the teat of the federal government and its socialist, airspace redistributing Federal Aviation Administration, a chartered Romney-Ryan campaign jet—carrying Mrs. Romney, but not the governor, nor his running mate—opted to make a needed emergency landing at Bain-Cayman Xenophobic Mittropolitan Cashport—situated beneath the retractable dome enclosing an autonomous family island, sixty-five miles off the north shore of Lake Superior—after smoke began to fill the cabin. The smoke reportedly seeped into the aircraft after escaping from the asses of Romney-Ryan supporters—those asses having rapidly surpassed internal blown-smoke capacity—just as the jet soared nearly eight miles above a campaign speaking engagement on Michigan's Upper Peninsula. Additionally, Newspunch has learned that at least two-hundred subsequent commercial and private flights were forced to make similar emergency landings, as Mr. Romney quipped, upon hearing the news, "Oh, Ann's alive? Good. I am happy about that. Right? Yes. Anyway, forty-seven percent of Americans are lazy freeloaders that won't vote for me no matter what, so I don't give two little fizzie-wozzles or fat wozzle-fuzzies about them," adding, "Ah, shucksie-doodles—is someone recording this again?"

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

Having allegedly held up a pastry shop in Boston's predominantly Italian North End last week—brandishing a knife and demanding two cannoli—an Irish tourist is being tried for larceny, following the prosecution's decision to reduce the charge from armed robbery. Explained Suffolk County A.D.A., Ziti Goomba, "I gotta respect a guy—from his, shall we say, make and model—with the freakin' strombolis to try something like that around here. I mean, Jesus H. Ciabatta—the size of the ricotta pies on this guy, huh? Ohhh."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

According to court papers, oil and gas giant Royal Dutch Shell PLC is seeking the authority to bar the environmental activist network Greenpeace from staging any form of protest within five-hundred meters of its Netherlands headquarters, or risk facing a stiff €1 million fine. Additionally, the British-Dutch consortium seeks to impose €100,000 fines for each subsequent infraction, beyond the initial offense. Greenpeace activists in the area have gone so far as to have recently used bicycle locks to disable pumps at local filling stations; a show of contempt for Shell's current and planned drilling activity in the arctic circle.

Viewing a video-recording of the recent protests as he spoke, Royal Dutch Shell CEO, Peter Voser, angrily proclaimed, "These dirty, know- nothing peaceniks must not be permitted to wantonly trample on our God-given right to open and free commerc—" before being unexpectedly dumbstruck by the fleeting image of a beautiful young Greenpeace activist, whose golden locks flowed gently in the late summer breeze, whilst her already-rosy cheeks—kissed ever-so-lightly by petrol-station-protest grime—flushed deeper still, as she smiled brightly; flashing brilliant, pearly-white teeth. Notably calmer, Mr. Voser continued, "Well hold on, now. Everyone just slow down for a second, here. Maybe we need to rethink this whole banning-and-fining business." Nonchalantly adjusting his now-protuberant pleated trousers, and grinning slyly, he concluded, "Who says exploratory drilling has to be relegated to the north pole?"

In related news, seismic equipment in the tiny Gelderland Province town of Bredevoort detected an unusually powerful tremor, occurring just as blonde Greenpeace activist, Abigail "Rosy Cheeks" De Vries, without warning, inexplicably and violently shuddered. At this hour, reports continue to pour in from perplexed town residents, who claim the temperature in the area instantaneously dropped more than twenty degrees Celsius; a phenomenon—say local scientists—that is likely due to Ms. De Vries's acute, localized case of unprecedented spine-chill, a condition medical professionals refer to as "the creeps."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

EA Sports has released NHL 13—the latest version of its venerable ice hockey video game franchise—which comes packed with dozens of new features, including ultra-realistic cynical "negotiations"; golf mode; unrepentant mutual greed (in HD); an absolutely repugnant lack of respect for fans; irreparably damaged integrity; Gary Bettman-themed whack-a-mole; and eerie silence. Defending its decision to eliminate actual ice hockey game-play from the title, a spokesman stated, "If it's in the game, it's in the game."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed on or around September 19, 2012

Pixelated Brownish Comics #15 PBC is back, and PBC has a few things of which to remind and/or apprise you, in case you've suffered a semi-traumatic, hopefully temporary brain-ial injury in the time since we last peered upon one another. You are aware PBC is, by nature, naughty, correct? Additionally, you are aware you can't keep PBC down, right? You know you can only hope to contain PBC? (Preferably in a biodegradable vessel, because PBC is nothing if not environmentally conscious.) Are you down with PBC? Who's down with PBC? I'm down with PBC. Yeah, you know me. Wednesday, September 19, 2012 » So Much Things, No Time For Grahamer Or Spleling So much things! Remember? From when I said it before? Just then, before this? I repeated it, so you'd remember too much more better. Why? Because there's so much things, and just no time for grahamer and real great spleling! Allow me to expailn…

Oh … you're allowing me? You've agreed to allow me to explain? Hmm. That throws a wrench in things. An eventuality for which I had neither planned, nor prepared, if you will. Shit. Well, first-and-most-important-things first-and-most-importantly, I'm getting married in ten short days! Gah! (Gah is a pretend Yiddish word meaning "GAH!!!!!!!!") So much to probably do, so little time! Hey, have you ever met a woman who is the most awesome, amazing, kind, loving, giving, caring, thoughtful, understanding, forgiving, fun, funny, beautiful and wicked-smaht person to ever walk the planet we sometimes call Earth? Yes? So you have met my short-timer fiancée Davi, then? Lucky you! Sorry to burst your bubble though, friend … she's taken. (Emoticon smiley face.)

So yeah, the big day's on September 29th, and then it's off to a quaint little Orlando villa they call Walt Disney World. Not many people know about it yet … still kinda has that hip underground vibe, but it's deﬁnitely on its way up. Gonna be big. Mark my words. So it's been a wacky last two years, what can I say? Lowest of lows and highest of highs, in that order, and I wouldn't change a thing.

In other news, the delayed, slow process of deconstructing It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia for spec script write-age has been completed. Now, I just have to compile-in-a-useful-and-cogent-manner all the data I've gleaned, and pore over them with my face and thoughts.

On that same basic topic, a funny thing occurred to me recently, which for some reason had, until the point at which it occurred to me (which was recently, as you'll probably recall), alluded me: I lived in Philadelphia for six years. Although all the interior scenes are filmed on sound stages in L.A., most of the exteriors are actually Philly, with the exception of the third or fourth season (I don't recall which off the top of my body), where they tried mightily to make Los Angeles look like an east coast metropolis, and kinda failed. Then again, you'd only know if you knew the town, I guess. Occasionally, I notice scenes that are definitely being filmed in Philly, in which they'll do little things to try and make it look more authentic (even though it already is, because it's actually there!), like putting Pennsylvania plates on the cars … except that they put 'em on the front, too, and they don't have front plates in the Quaker State. Whoops. Anyway, if nothing else, it gives me a tiny leg-up … the whole understanding-the-city-as-I-do thing. It's a perennial underdog town. Philly's got middle child syndrome in spades, which is why I so identified with and loved it, I suppose. (I'm not actually the middle child … I'm Matt the elder … but the underdog mentality is something I can't shake.) The point is: I have a better-than-average understanding of the show's setting, and that's a good thing.

In additional other news, so much things! Come November, I'm seriously considering forking over the cash to attend this little thing in L.A. called The Sitcom Room, which is put on by an accomplished T.V. writer called (for my British readers) Ken Levine. He has a bunch of very helpful li'l videos on his personal Internet web page (oh, and he also wrote for a few little shows of which you may have heard positive murmurs in passing, such as M*A*S*H, Cheers, [early] The Simpsons and Frasier), and he sets up this shindig once every year or two, limited to twenty-or-so participants. They rent out a bunch of space at a hotel, and, to the best of their abilities, simulate a television writers' room. They have a panel discussion with people in the industry (Sam Simon was a past guest, for example, and while he may not have made a ton of friends at The Simpsons in those early, formative days, it's only because he was right, and everyone else was wrong! Read John Ortved's oral history for more supremely interesting background on that whole thangdango), and then they split everyone into smaller groups, provide them with a scene that needs rewriting, and lock them in a room for a million hours. The next day, actors you'll recognize from the moving picture box act out the rewrites. It is kind of a lot of money, but good-god-galdern-damn-it if it doesn't sound super fun! Plus, it never hurts to meet people, for even the ﬂimsiest of connections. We'll see.

On top of that (and the constant stream of output I try to maintain for publish-ment here), I'm really feeling that performance bug. It's always been the case that anytime I see something live (be it music, stand-up, sketch, improv, a play or a donkey show), I get this overwhelming feeling of ooh, I want to do that. I'm sure the psychobabble reasoning is somewhere in the vicinity of an unarticulated desire to break from the shackles of a level of essentially crippling introversion, but, really, I just think it would be fun. Sadly, my two fondest memories in the twelve years since I graduated from high school (aside from every single memory with my wonderful bride-to-be, of course!) are singing "What a Wonderful World" as Louis Armstrong in the karaoke room of a cruise ship (to a standing ovation, thank you, thank you), and doing the stand-up open mic last February at this place in Dallas; speciﬁcally, the one discernable laugh I got. Man. That was a-niiice. So, while I rack my brain to constantly write things, I can't stop thinking about doing that, which would mean a bunch more writing, and exactly 1.2 asstons (3.8 shit-tons, for my metric readers) of practicing on top of everything else.

Oh, and did I mention the holidays are coming up? And that my ﬁancée and I are moving to L.A. just as soon as we possibly can, after those aforementioned holidays? Yeah, I'm totally psyched for the new adventure in a place I already spent twenty years of my life, but, you know, it's just a lot going on, and my stomach is in perpetual knots over it all. Which goes to prove that, yep, I'm probably just neurotic enough to give performing a chance. As always, we shall see.

One other note: While I do still watch stand-up from time to time (and I technically still like it), I grew pretty bored with the form a long time ago … but then, in a ﬂash, came a shot of vitamin H-larious! He's been around since the '80s, and I'm sure everyone already knows who he is, but, if not, give Paul F. Tompkins a whirl. In my meaningless opinion, he's probably one of the funniest human beings in humantown. And not just for stand-up, as this should help to illuminate. (Plus he's a Philly guy, and that's, like, at least eight or nine extra points in my ever- important points book.)

Okie dokie, pokies, it's off to being blog-absent-for-quite-awhile-again for me. Have a fabulous bunch of present and future days, and, as always (which is more than sometimes), please remember to not forget. Your local Matt Payne's Internet Web Page (.com) management team thanks you for your cooperation and understanding in this matter.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

The already hasty, get-you-in-and-out pace of service at McDonald's restaurants is poised to become slightly hairier, after the prodigious fast-food chain announced plans to add caloric details alongside each item on its walk-up and drive-through menus. Rhetorized CEO Donald Thompson, "What better way to help a population that's the fattest on Earth—and perennially deﬁcient in basic math skills—make better dietary choices, than to combine the two, in a high-pressure situation? Stop selling fried peanut butter milkshakes?"

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

Britney Spears—newly-minted panel judge for Fox's latest overwrought high school talent show, X Factor—recently admitted that she is, "scared people are making fun" of her performance on the amateur vocal exposé. Said people—after casually taping to her back a sign that read, "Kick Me Baby, One More Time"—to Ms. Spears, "There-there, Brit-Brit. Don't you worry, now. No one watches this show."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

One step closer to emerging from federal bankruptcy protection for the second time in under five years, Hostess Brands, Inc. announced it has struck a new deal with the Teamsters—the terms of which the company will seek court approval to force upon smaller, uncooperative work groups, represented by the Bakers, Coagulators, Congealors, Gluttoners and Diabeters International Union. Positioned behind an enormous, custom-built, adjustable-Spandex® podium, with the help of a forklift specifically designed to rearrange locomotives—and tearing through crate after crate of delicious chocolate Ding Dong®s—company spokesman, Buff Creamery, fatly explained, "It's brutal out there right now, and we all need to make some sacrifices. To lay it out straight: People just aren't as charmed by products that handily outlast radioactive fallout as they once were." Systematically mistaking each of his plump, sticky, yellowing fingers for a delicious Twinkie®, he added, "Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch." The deal—which generously increases Teamster members' per diem break-time to seven-hours-and-forty-five-minutes, from the previous bondage-like allotment of seven-hours-and-forty-minutes, as well as increasing Teamster members' per diem break-time to seven-hours-and- fifty-minutes, from the previous bondage-like allotment of seven-hours-and-forty-five-minutes—is expected to go into effect early next year.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

An NBC/WSJ poll has revealed that Republican presidential nominee, Mitt Romney, may be losing ground to President Obama in key swing states. Noted one ardent Mississippi-based Romney booster—and long-time CNN political analyst— Earlford T. Twiggins, "Weird, ain'it? You'd'a thunk them swingers'd love ol' Mitt—what with all that sloppy po-lag-o-mee stuff I hear'd them Morphins is into n'such."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

The New York Stock Exchange has settled a civil lawsuit with the Securities and Exchange Commission—in which it faced charges of improperly facilitating insider trading for select members—agreeing to pay the federal government's financial sector watchdog a $5 million fine. The fine marks the first time a U.S. stock exchange has had imposed upon it a financial penalty due to alleged impropriety. Lording over the lifeless body of the immigrant mother of two he'd just strangled for the thrill of it, Jan- Michiel Hessels—chairman of technically-Manhattan-based NYSE Euronext, Inc., owner and operator of the exchange—said of the settlement, chuckling unabashedly, "Oh—oh, $5 meellion you say? Five meellion U.S. doellars? Dah—I sink ve can sving zat." Meanwhile, in an adjacent office—feverishly feeding on dodo-bird pâté scooped from the actual Holy Grail with the help of a winning-lottery-ticket- mâché spoon, while shamelessly straddling a platinum-plated, solid-mammoth-marrow bidet, several hours into a meticulous, high-pressure perineum cleansing with the succor of Julius Caesar's private reserve spumante, salvaged from beneath the true Shroud of Turin, in the long- lost ruins of Atlantis—CEO Duncan Niederauer added, "Oh, man—looks like we'll have to cut $5 million-minimum mid-afternoon executive bingo back to four days this week." Purchasing and pillaging Paraguay with two taps of his iPhone, he added, with a twinkle in his eye, "Just kidding—we'll still do five."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

Hundreds of fervent faithful have stormed the U.S. embassy in Yemen—desperately vying to be among the first to claim up to 70% savings on everything from smoldering American flags, Summer's Verve® after-chant throat spray and big chuckin' rocks, to bulk black burkas and ceramic couscous cozies—during the embassy's annual Doorblaster Super Sales Event, ahead of next year's busy Ramadan shopping season. Said a satisfied customer, "I very much enjoy this sale. Much less bloody than Christmastime in Walmart."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

Working in the Canary Islands, a team of scientists from Austria, Canada and Germany has successfully "teleported" a photon across a distance of nearly eighty-seven miles. Taking advantage of the properties of "quantum entanglement"—in which changes to one part of an "entangled pair" induce immediate reactions in its sibling—the team accomplished the feat by ﬁring a laser into the atmosphere—from one island to another—and bested the previous distance record of just over sixty miles, set only one month prior by a team of Chinese scientists. The achievement could someday lead to the development of a new "quantum internet," over which information would be instantaneously and securely transmitted across any distance. In related news, every domesticated cat on earth has converged upon Tenerife—the island to which the laser beam was directed—hell-bent on capturing that elusive red dot. Said the scientiﬁc consortium's lead researcher, Anton Zeilinger, "God damn that's a lot of cats."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

President Obama received quite a surprise on the campaign trail recently, when the owner of a Fort Pierce, Florida pizza parlor engaged the chief executive in a bear hug, lifting him a full foot off the ground. Seeking to capitalize on the episode's positive press, overworked Rombotics technicians accidentally directed the Republican nomidroid—busy analyzing employees of the Columbus Zoo—to heartily embrace two polar bears, tragically resulting in the hulking creatures being fractured into four distinct bear chunks.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

UPDATE: Additional details have come to light in a story upon which Newspunch reported earlier, related to the NFL's decision to hire its ﬁrst female referee in a regular season capacity…

Among players themselves, many have been outspoken and encouraging, exhibiting the greatest-conceivable-degree of NFL-caliber tact and class. One of those players—long-time Terrell Owens advocate, and currently-unsigned wide receiver, Terrell Owens—told ESPN.com, "Oh yeah, it's always good to have more bitches around. Can't have too many bitches around, for real. And bitches always be judgin' you anyway, so they might as well get theyselves off them streets and make that paper legit for once, y'know wha'm sayin'?" Additionally—after summoning the full potential of his skull-housed amalgamation of nerve cells and fat, in an effort to organize and verbally express occasional flashes of sentience—Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger, praised the development, stating, "Have you seen the end zone on that new ref? Damn. Hey—I bet the dome matches the turf, am I right?" Pausing briefly to profess undying love for his wife—with the help of an eight-character text message—he continued, "Sorry about that. Anyway—that girl can sack my third-and-long anytime. Get ready, baby —there's no such thing as out-of-bounds when Big Ben's in the hizzy." As of press time, a representative for O.J. Simpson had not responded to multiple requests for comment, but Newspunch has determined America to be sufficiently acquainted with The Juice's overall attitude toward the fairer sex.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

A new, forty-one mile tollway connecting Austin and San Antonio, Texas will have a highest-in-the-nation speed limit of eighty-five miles per hour. Asked how it felt to see his twenty-eight-year quest finally bear fruit, aging, Hoveround®-bound highway speed activist, Sammy "Gettin' Pretty Damn Haggard" Hagar, stated, "I! Can't! Drive! Eigh-ty-five!—because that level of vehicular velocity frightens my Geo."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

A National Football League labor dispute and subsequent lockout has created a shortage of on-field officials, forcing the league to cull replacements from various second-tier and long-defunct organizations, as the regular season gets underway. One of those replacements—sixteen-year college football officiating veteran, Shannon Eastin—is set to become the first woman in league history to serve as a line judge, when she suits up for tonight's contest between the Detroit Lions and visiting Saint Louis Rams. Reaction to Ms. Eastin's appointment has been overwhelmingly positive, with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell stating, "Oh yeah, we love the broads, so we just figured, you know, what the [expletive deleted]? As long as she ain't raggin', how bad could she be? Football folks have always been hardcore progressive when it comes to the chick issues and what have you."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

A Florida doctor—twice-debarred from acting as a county medical examiner—has been arrested, after his Pensacola storage unit was found to be overﬂowing with formaldehyde-steeped human limbs and organs. The national spotlight will be shone on the story this fall, when A&E premières its new series Sunshine State Storage Wars: Jesus Christ, You Know, I Really Do Feel Like I Should Be Surprised By This, But In This State I'm Just Not.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

Severe storms along the eastern seaboard spawned two tornadoes within the New York City limits on Saturday, leaving toppled trees and downed power lines in parts of Queens and the Bronx. Disgustedly complained one Gotham resident— who was swept away by the Bronx twister, along with his small dog—upon suddenly ﬁnding himself in a Greenwich Village fair-trade-organic-coffee-and-poetry-house, "Tito, I got a feelin' we ain't in freakin' Kansas Heights no more."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

A religious cleric in Pakistan has led his country to its eighth consecutive International League Of Fringe Figures Wildly Misrepresenting Their Cultures Middle-Eastern Conference Championship, after his impressive showing in the Microscopic Minority Of A Particular Group Acting In A Way That Taints Western Perception Of An Unaffiliated Population Of Over One-Point-Five Billion People men's freestyle. During the event, Team Pakistan awarded the Gold-ish Infimedal to a fourteen-year-old girl with Down's syndrome, for her alleged burning of pages from the Qur'an—an act she is accused of secretly performing in her Islamabad home. The award comes with a generous prize-package—consisting of ostracism, stigmata and angry mob home service—as well as an official charge of blasphemy; a very serious crime in Pakistan, carrying with it a penalty up-to-and- including death by hanging. Explained the cleric responsible for the accusation, Mohammad Khalid Chisti, "What? No—no, I'm not familiar with that. What is this 'Salem, Massachusetts' of which you speak?'"

Meanwhile—halfway around the world, in South Dingleberry, West Virginia—career-manure-sorter Johnjoe Johnhank Chudd VIII has been awarded the Being Your Own Religion's Equivalent Of The Exception To The Rule That's Mistakenly Being Taken As The Rule Itself prize, for his recent Shoney's parking lot tirade This Here Ain't No Islam-istan, This Here Is Uncle Sam-istan, God Damn It, So Get Your Mooze-Lam Ass Outta Here So I Can Has Me My Religious Freedoms, Jack. During his acceptance speech, Mr. Chudd offered a detailed explanation of his position, stating through a steady stream of regurgitated grain alcohol and slow-cooked pork, "[expletive deleted] logic."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

A new smartphone app being tested in New York City may help yellow-cab-seekers and yellow-cab-operators ﬁnd one another more efﬁciently, says its San Francisco-based developer. Among the app's novel features is the ability to predict which areas of the city will exhibit the greatest demand, as well as an elegant, one-touch function allowing cabbies to digitally pre-refuse rides to African-American patrons.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

UPDATE: Additional details have come to light in a story upon which Newspunch reported earlier, related to the South African government's decision to drop murder charges against the coworkers of thirty-six miners killed by police during a recent labor strike…

In addition to no longer seeking murder charges in the wake of the tragedy, the president of the nominally-sovereign, reportedly post- apartheid nation of South Africa, Mr. Jacob Zuma, has taken it upon himself to go a step further in the effort to mend ties between the London-based Lonmin, and its just-barely-not-slave-labor workforce. During a recent press conference convened to discuss the matter, Mr. Zuma outlined several new initiatives and leniencies being rolled-out over the coming months.

Beginning in October, miners will now have the option of having elected for them one union board member from among their brethren— while, for oppressive-accounting purposes, Lonmin will retain the remaining ﬁfteen chairs, as well as the chairmanship—and bi-daily union dues will be reduced to 258.8%, from the current rate of 260% of gross weekly income.

Additionally, beginning in December, a spate of new safety protocols and quality-of-life improvements will be implemented, including a redefining of the mining helmet allowance, to permit up to point-two-five helmets per active miner; a moderate relaxing of subterranean oxygen rations, at last allowing several miners per month the opportunity to partake of the live-sustaining, breathable gas; a new, thirty- minute block of "personal use time," allocated to selected miners once per fiscal quarter, earnings permitting; an undeniably-prefurbished toilet, complete with theoretical flushing capabilities; and a reimagining of the bereavement leave program, allowing a deceased miner up to three hours to grieve his own death, before returning to work.

Finally, as early as next summer, all currently-incarcerated former Lonmin miners can look forward to having three weeks of their sentences commuted—assuming they were handed down as a result of their having been convicted of murder, in an otherwise-unsolved Detroit, Baltimore or Chicago homicide—shining a faintly glinting ray of hope upon their remaining life-minus-three-weeks immurement. Mused Mr. Zuma, through a pained, vacant grin, "Aren't white people just so great?"

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

Great Britain's Prince Harry—third-in-line for the Kingdom's largely ceremonial throne—is being deployed to Afghanistan, where he will serve as an Apache helicopter pilot in the British Army. The Prince of Wales recently completed a training course in the operation of a different kind of helicopter, when he ﬁred up his Royal rotor during a widely-publicized round of right-randy, Las Vegas-hosted strip billiards. ↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

South Africa's National Director of Public Prosecutions has decided to overturn a regional prosecutor's decision to charge two-hundred-and-seventy striking metal-miners with the murders of thirty-six of their colleagues—who were shot to death by police, after labor negotiations with the Lonmin mining company grew contentious—ceding to the pressure of the international community. Reasoned Nomgcobo Jiba, in explaining her decision to do the right thing, "Two-hundred-and-seventy people each charged with thirty-four murders? Can you just imagine the amount of paperwork involved? And then I absolutely hate paperwork, on top of that? I don't think I need to walk you through it—I think you can do the math for yourselves, and see why I simply had no choice but to drop this case." Shuddering violently at the sight of the word "contract"—plastered across the display window of a nearby Vodacom Wireless store —she concluded, "I don't even wanna think about how many reams of carbon-triplicate that would entail—probably at least seventy or eighty, right? You think? Yech—no, thank you."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

Ben & Jerry's is suing a North Hollywood pornographer over the unauthorized use of its trademarked packaging and product-naming style, citing concerns it could tarnish the brand's otherwise wholesome image. Quipped the producer of such recent hits as Asian Ben's in Jerry 16: Rice Cream Manwich, DeBenja'von & Jerome's Chocolate Penis Butter Swirl and Jaime Phallus' Late Night Snack, "Well—I guess it's back to the Chick-ﬁl-A for me."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

The Andy Warhol Foundation has announced it will sell its entire collection of the artist's work, as it transitions into a purely grant-dispensing organization. The Foundation plans to auction the items through Christie's sister-house, Shitsties, where those who pay the eighty-cent cover-charge will have an opportunity to wade through an actual New York City dumpster—trying their hand at distinguishing authentic Warhols from the mounds of festering waste—in a setting truly beﬁtting the man's artistic merit and ability.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong's recent hospitalization in Italy is casting doubt on the fate of the band's planned performance at the upcoming iHeartRadio Music Festival. An unironically mohawked ﬁfty-year-old spokespunk for the bubblegum-angst trio attempted to assuage concerned fans, however, stating, "Beej is being treated for a mild case of acute mascara distress, and should be back at it quicker'n one of his songs naïvely-oversimpliﬁes-a-political-issue-just-as-badly-as-the-politicians- it-harangues."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

Now a public company facing unfamiliar scrutiny, Facebook Inc. has—for the first time—openly acknowledged that "fake likes" are an actual, serious problem within its service, and has instituted an internal campaign to rid its network of dubious endorsements and approvals of various persons, places and things. In related news, the number of users "liking" Mitt Romney, Two and a Half Men and Facebook itself has mysteriously plummeted to fewer than zero, causing the social-media monolith to be flung into an ever-tightening, looping logic-coil, where it is expected to eventually be crushed into an Escherian, black hole-esque Internet vortex—comprised of an infinitely dense catalog of private-thoughts-inexplicably-made-public and kissie-face self-portraits—which will finally return CEO "Mark" Procyon System Interplanetary Timesuck Apostle #8313-G "Zuckerberg" to his home planet, while, in the same instant, briefly reacquainting the people of Earth's office parks with their long-lost love of Solitaire for Windows '98. Said one bleary-eyed Facebook user, "Wait—sunshine? Sunshine—I—I remember you! The glorious bringer of light and energy and warmth! Oh wonderful, beautiful, magnificent da—so how's this 'Twitter' thing work again?"

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

McDonald's has announced plans to open two all-vegetarian restaurants in India, in an effort to more actively cater to regional tastes and customs. Among the items to be available at the new meat-free outposts are the seven-hundred-piece Soy McNugget meal—spiced with ﬁre, and packed tightly into a six-piece container—Angry King Cobra Guardin' Salad— with cardamom and serpent-irritant vinaigrette—and a savory McGanges Watershake 'n Dysentery Antidote Combo Pack.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

A kitten—which had somehow managed to stow itself away in a greasy nook above the gas tank of a Connecticut family's automobile—managed to survive a six-hour highway trip from the Nutmeg State to upstate New York, before mechanics located and safely removed the intrepid feline.

In future news, a cell-phone video of the extrication became an instant YouTube sensation, spurring a raft of ingenius Internet memes— including "I can haz valve stem?" and "all your drivetrain are belong to us"—as well as thousands of auto-tuned parody videos and deranged commentaries.

Once even the elderly had embraced the phenomenon—and she'd made her requisite appearance opposite Matt Lauer—executives at TLC cast the kitten in her own reality series—known as Tabbies in Tiaras—which ultimately spawned numerous spin-offs—including Real Housecats of Muncie, Indiana; Purrzey Shore; Keeping Up With The Furry Persians; Project Litterbox: America's Cleanest Pussies; and Kourtney, Kim and The Kitten Get Taken Like Jackson Hole, Wyoming—after which she announced she was leaving television to pursue a solo acting and music career.

Shortly thereafter, the kitten ventured to Utah in search of spiritual enlightenment, where she subsequently entered into a three-way, polygamist marriage with washed-up '80s rockers Rikki Rockett and C.C. DeVille, before immediately ﬁling for divorce, prompting a messy court battle that soon became the basis of a revived television career—this time for the Bravo Network—with the introduction of Friskies® Presents Poison Milk: Meow-kin' It Hiss-tory With RikRoc & CC!.

And this just in to future Newspunch: The kitten has been found dead in a hotel room for the ninth time, surrounded by a vast sea of spent pill bottles, booze and the tiniest, cutest little pile of her own little kitty-puke. She was eight months old. Funeral services will be held—and ﬁlmed—at Lifetime Movie Network studios, for inclusion in the upcoming, based-on-a-true-story T.V. movie, Not Without My Whiskers: The Kitten That Survived That Car Thing Story.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

A schoolboy in England has found a twenty-one-ounce hunk of whale vomit, possibly worth upwards of $63,000 USD to some perfume manufacturers. Marine biologists speculate the waxy, decades-old bit of bile and squid may solve the mystery of a bloated, groaning forty-ton sperm whale that washed ashore in East Chesterwick of Nottingshire- Briarfordtown-on-Flufferﬂufﬂe earlier this year, sporting a size 12,000-XL tee shirt, emblazoned with the phrase, "SEA LIFE London Aquarium … I can't believe I ate the whole thing."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during the summer or fall of 2012

UPDATE: Additional details have come to light in a story upon which Newspunch reported earlier, related to a German pharmaceutical company's too little, too late apology for the severe physical side effects one of its former products has wrought…

In addition to a Xeroxed form letter, the individual apology packages—which arrived via flaming, window-smashing brick-o-gram—included several bags of tepid schnauzer feces, a giant foam middle finger, a ninety-minute VHS recording of an angry Berliner screaming at an indecipherable series of photographs, two one-way Deutsche Bahn tickets to the Auschwitz-Birkenau State Museum, and an expired coupon book, once good for up to 8% off most Grunenthal products, services and purposeful non-acknowledgements of large-scale, company- perpetrated medical atrocities. While many outsiders might find the gesture confusing or mean-spirited, cultural anthropologists consider it par for the course. Said one such academic, Dr. Jessford Bullwinkle, of the University of California Santa Cruz, "Yeah, [the Germans] are just sorta into that kinda thing—it's pretty weird." Added Dr. Ischlemmer ein Vondrausserborgsht, of the University of Göttingen, in faux- Germanic, English-like screamed-pseudo-word-chunks, "Vot mosht Americaners do notten understanden ist thish ist jusht how we ein Jair- mans und showzen griefen! To ush, Grunenthal's ein geshture ist und quite beautifulen!"

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

Grunenthal—the German maker of a long-discontinued morning-sickness drug found to cause limb deformities and other developmental maladies in the offspring of women prescribed it—has issued a formal apology to those negatively affected by the use of thalidomide, after over ﬁfty years of silence. In its apology, Grunenthal CEO, Harald F. Stock, asked that victims, "regard our long silence as a sign of the silent shock that your fate has caused us." He added, "Now shütten your facëns." Some victims-rights groups have complained the apology doesn't go far enough, though, and is considered by many to be "insulting," to boot. Non- verbally-rumbled H. D. Heinrart von Schrasslëdorfenkreiger-Shmiffëngrüellerechst—forced to live a life without thumbs, elbows, a neck, foot-bottoms, ankles, bones or a face, as a result of her mother's use of the drug—in regards to the company's apology, "[unintelligible non- verbal-rumbling]? [unintelligible non-verbal-rumbling]. [unintelligible non-verbal-rumbling]!"

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed on or around September 2, 2012

Pixelated Brownish Comics #14 Disco never dies, it multiplies—by zero. And then it remains dormant for several decades, until—when you least desire it (which covers all possible times)—it strikes. It stays alive. It will survive. It's fun for it to stay at the nearest Young Men's Christian Association location. All this is to say, of course, that all those Pixelated Brownish Comics doom-sayers out there— and I actually do hope they exist, because you generally have to be aware of something in order to properly doom-say it—best step off, rek-a-nize and slow y'all's respective rolls, 'cause this here stupid thing is here to stay, unless I get tired of it, which I pretty much have. Nonetheless, here's the fourteenth installment, out of a possible fourteen… Sunday, September 2, 2012 » Delicious, Semi-Fragrant Word Potpourri Well here we are again, for the last time until next time.

I've reduced my schedule again for next month, and it will now consist primarily of Newspunches, with a few other things thrown in here and there, for good-ish measure. I set out to complete one-hundred-and-fifty to one-hundred-and-sixty new things in three months, and I completed over two-hundred, so I'm allowing myself a slow-down, almost-kinda-break. I recall writing in this here blog awhile back that I had hit the one-hundred-and-fifty Newspunch mark, and here I am having completed nearly three-hundred—and almost another one-hundred-and-fifty since that point! I'm not one to gloat my own horn (if such a thing can even be physically accomplished), but goddang! Not only that, but at some point along the way, I'd celebrated my having published one-hundred-thousand words on this here Internet web page, and now I'm approaching one-hundred-and-fifty-thousand. Who'da thunk?

Though not a lot will get posted here in the next couple months (although, like I said, Newspunch will continue to make regular appearances, with around thirty a month), I'll still be diligently workin', workin', workin'. At the moment, I'm in the process of deconstructing It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, before I eventually write a spec episode of my own. Though I've heard spec scripts aren't really the way to go in TV writing anymore (original pilots being the new ﬂavor of the … however-long-time-period), I wanna have a vast stable of crap to show people who may someday want to be metaphorically covered in said crap. After Sunny, I plan to repeat the process with Parks and Recreation, and then write an original or two.

I'd like to write a 30 Rock (as I love the quirky, joke-i-ness of it, and I think it kinda falls into my tiny wheelhouse), but the upcoming season will be its last, and I don't wanna have one of the only scripts I have to show peeps be for something that's no longer on the air. (The same goes for The Ofﬁce, which also ends its run after this season … although the Ofﬁce I'd wanna write for ended about four seasons ago, really.) The Simpsons—though it's said to almost always be a mistake to even attempt—would be a possibility, as it's got another two seasons (at least), but I honestly don't know the show anymore. It's far-and-away my favorite TV show of all time, but season eight was the last full season I watched and can honestly say I enjoyed, and they're up to what now? Twenty-two, twenty-three? Nahhh. Pass.

Sunny has at least two more years (and an option for a third), and I don't see Parks going anywhere anytime soon. Not to mention, as far as the latter goes, I have a relative who's good friends with Chris Pratt (who plays Andy Dwyer on the show), so maybe there's a tiny sliver of light at the end of this otherwise horriﬁcally dark tunnel. Community or Modern Family might be fun, but I just don't know the shows well enough, 'cause I don't really watch 'em. Oh well. (Though I will eventually catch up on the former, because it has that silly, zany 30 Rock quality to it, and Dan Harmon, though no longer in charge, is an absolute lunatic [I hear], and I love that fact.)

On another topic, politics. I hate talking politics with anyone because there's just so little actual debate involved. It's all repeating whatever tickles your fancy that you've heard someone else say—without doing any due-diligence of your own—and adding your own gut-reactions and blind emotion to the mix. It's a recipe for broken friendships and fist-fights. Everyone knows everything, despite the fact that they know almost exactly nothing. I admit as much. I try not to make concrete political statements, because I know I generally don't know what I'm talking about. It's like having the knowledge that the sun is a star, and then presuming to understand everything about astronomy; berating others who dare contest your opinion. Or … it's like we're all walking, talking political attack ads. We aren't in the jobs they (the elected officials) are in, but we presume to know everything about those jobs. Romney has no idea what it's like to be president, but presumes to know. Everyone makes big promises, and most of the time, the incredibly complex, nuanced realities of the office prevent them from coming to fruition. If he wins, the Governor will quickly become aware of this inevitability—no matter how much he believes he can do it differently —and the liberals will bash him for not "fixing the economy" (whatever that means), just as the conservatives have done to Obama.

Look, all I know is that 52.9% of a country that's still 63.4% non-Hispanic white voted a black man into the presidency, just ﬁfty years removed from a time when that same man would have lived with the very real fear of being randomly beaten and strung up in a tree, throughout large swaths of this country. Love him or hate him, and whether he turns out to be the best president, the worst president or just somewhere in the middle, it can't be denied that his election is a symbol of what this country is capable of, even if we seem to have forgotten that about eight seconds after his inauguration, and immediately went back to pretending there are only two possible positions on any given topic.

In a similar vein, I'd be very curious to know just why it is that the president is so berated by the right for not "fixing" things, while in the very same breath they preach this gospel of self-reliance. So when a Democrat's in office, it's the government's fault you can't find a job, but if a Republican makes his way in, then it'll be your fault? I guess? If Romney is against government, why is he a politician running for the highest governmental post in the land? You know, Obama may not have done everything he said he would (and never mind that the economic conditions that have negatively affected some Americans were eight years in the making), but he did save the auto industry; he did finally allow gay and lesbian men and women to serve in the military without having to pretend to be something they're not; he did guarantee equal pay for women in the workplace; he did finally end the pan-administration, bipartisan search for Osama bin Laden; and he did become the first U.S. President to openly acknowledge his support for equal marriage rights, even if only because his loud-mouth, bozo veep kinda forced his hand. It seems like the biggest difference between the right and the left is that people on the left fault their guy or gal for his or her failings —they get disappointed and question things—while people on the right stay the course, 'til the bitter, bitter end … kinda like with God and religion. Hmm. Maybe there's some sort of connection there, huh?

Hey, look at that! I kinda did that same thing I just got through saying I hate! Pretending I understand insanely complex things because I understand one or two of their minute details! How Ironic! This is exactly why I'm usually so loath to discuss politics. Love the The Daily Show and Colbert … light-hearted politics with humor … but hate discussing it.

But I'm getting a little off lack-of-topic, so, on a ﬁnal, much-less-weighty note, super cala fragilistic expialido-goodbye-for-a-month-or-so! (And rainbows! And lollipops! And, to a lesser extent, Teddy Bears!)

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

Roughly nine-hundred-thousand Mexican-grown mangoes—possibly tainted with salmonella bacteria—have been recalled from supermarket produce departments all across America. In other news, PepsiCo has introduced a new, low-priced, mango-tinged member to its Mountain Dew® family of ﬂuorescent pancreas tonics, which is being marketed as XxX-tReMe MoTiLe EnTeRoBaCtErIa xXx-TrEmE® and will be available exclusively at the company's ﬁfty-eight-hundred Yum! Brands-held Taco Bell locations. Additionally, Yum! Brands' head chef, Harry W. Splatters, noted the new beverage option, "pairs beautifully with either a nice XxX-tReMe-CoLi Double Quad-Triple Beef-O Six-Hue-Nacho-Cheeser GorchitaDitaRito CrunchStack FlavorCrack ComboPack® or an encyclopedic cocktail of contemporary antibiotics, as well as many of our other authentic, traditional Mexican recipes."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

NASA has announced the planned launch of two "nano-satellites," which have been designed to be controlled by ground- based, Android-powered Google Nexus One smartphones. Not to be outdone, Microsoft has unveiled a late-stage prototype of its own cellular-telephone-controlled satellite system, known as A Hip Product Name To Be Chosen Later That The Kids Will Love And Will Probably Start With An 'X' Or A 'Z' Or Maybe A 'Q'—consisting of a dial-up modem glued to a Buick—as well as an ill- deﬁned plan to roll the craft into a gorge, achieving extremely low-earth orbit. Said the company's Senior Vice President in charge of Johnny- come-lately engineering, Todd Greer—momentarily pausing a 1920s-themed playlist on his bronze-colored Zune, and removing a set of Nixon-era over-the-ear headphones, in order to speak with Newspunch—on the company's impetus to complete the project quickly, "We really gotta get moving on this thing—our AOL trial CD-ROM only gets us forty-ﬁve hours before they start charging."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks

A group in northern Kentucky intends to build a "creation science hall of fame" between two existing or planned creationist attractions in the area, stating, "As people ﬂy or drive in to see [the other attractions], we will be a stop along the way." Asked how tourists would make their way to the attraction if creation science had been the only available method by which to advance our species—and, thus, ﬂying and driving were not options—a spokesman said, "Well, you know, they'd have to walk—rickets and all." Among the initial exhibits planned for the hall are the Jerusalem Tar Pits, complete with replica sabre-toothed Moseses and a woolly Jesus; a Jurassic Park-style jeep safari through a prehistoric, caveman-operated stegosaur dairy farm and sauropod ranch; a comprehensive exhibit designed to rebuke the completely innocuous, perceived-scourge known as Halloween, including a wax likeness of human jack-o'- lantern Pat Robertson; a Crusades-themed video arcade and snack bar; and Ted Nugent. Intended to be among the original exhibits, plans for the fully-immersive Garden of Eden Experience had to be put on hold, however, after an entirely intentional series of clerical errors by the proprietors' San Francisco-based animatronics supplier caused them to repeatedly receive sexually-aroused Steves, in lieu of Eves.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during September, 2012, methinks UPDATE: Additional details have come to light in a story upon which Newspunch reported earlier, related to a reported GOP plan to reintroduce the gold standard…

Some lower-rung conventioneers are taking the gold standard, societal-regression talk a step further, by touting a return to the "Mold Standard" of unnecessary oppression by preventable infectious disease. A fund-raising music festival is already in the works—reportedly to be held in a swampy, mosquito-infested ﬁeld near Malariabrook, Virginia—which will be branded as Live AIDS: SARS and Stripes: Smallpox, Big Dreams, and headlined by none-other-than Justin Timberlake. Harmonized a sexy, back-brace-sporting Timberlake, during a recent gubernatorial press junket, teasing the event, "I'm bringin' polio back, I'm, I'm bringin' polio back." Additionally, the Virginia Tourism Corporation has announced it will change its ofﬁcial slogan to "Rubella Is From Lovers."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

With the passing of Neil Armstrong, the conspiracy theorist community has lost a beloved target. Acting quickly, the president of Area Wingnuts Local 51 issued all members a temporary directive, requiring they be respectful of the Armstrong family in their time of loss, and direct all rambling, incoherent correspondence to: 1913 Shadow Government Soundstage Dr., Studio City, CA 91604, c/o Buzz Aldrin

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

As part of the party's official national convention platform, Republicans are expected to float the idea of the United States reverting to the pre-Nixon gold standard, in a move that even the gold mining industry-funded World Gold Council calls "unlikely." Economists warn the price of gold could soar to as high as $10,000 USD per ounce, were the plan to be enacted. In a moment of soundbite-gold, a gold-leaf-suit-clad Ron "Goldilocks the Goldenchild" Paul—pausing momentarily to adjust his transparent- gold contact lenses, and fire off a nugget of gold-plated text messages from his twenty-four-karat gold Goldtooth®-equipped Goldorola™ smartphone—remarked, "What's your gold-damn, motherlode-ing point?" Brushing gold-flake dandruff from his shoulder—which his Head & Golders® should have taken care of—and flashing an all-gold "Ron Paul 2012" grill, he added, "This interview has been brought to you by our good friends at Goldschläger®."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

One day after being handed a lifetime competitive cycling ban by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency, a deﬁant Lance Armstrong turned up in Snowmass Village, Colorado, to ride in the Power of Four mountain race. Unwaveringly painting himself as the innocent victim of a brazen witch hunt, the EyeOFnewt™ brand energy drink-sponsored forty-year-old set a personal best, completing the rugged thirty-three-mile course the day before he began.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

UPDATE: Additional details have come to light in a story upon which Newspunch reported earlier, related to a Washington, D.C. court's decision to strike down a law requiring tobacco companies to display graphic, anti-smoking labels on cigarette packaging…

The ruling, while disappointing for anti-smoking organizations, is not unprecedented. In a highly-publicized 1998 decision, the same D.C. appeals court struck down another FDA-backed initiative—which had altruistically sought to levy a $0.0000125 USD surcharge on every trillionth package of cigarettes sold in the United States, with the intention of partially funding a fun-ﬁlled day-camp for emphysemic, blind, quadriplegic, homeless kindergarteners—after a pro bono tycoons' rights law collective successfully argued the tactic would unduly impose upon their clients' patriotic pursuit of expanded billionaire-ity. But the scenario is not exclusive to contemporary America, nor has it been known to exclusively affect the tobacco industry. In 1982, an FDA-supported, bipartisan drive to block an anticipated outbreak of "McNugget® Mania"—known as the Nickles-Cranston McSenate Act—was roundly defeated by a team of costumed lawyers representing the McDonald's Corporation—as well as Big Horse, whose savory minced stallions supply the distintive ﬂavor unique to the McNugget®— and the crispy, golden-fried, 56%-horsey-corn delicacies became available nationwide the following year.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

Sad news from the world of PBS, after the venerable Jerry Nelson—the long-time puppeteer and voice behind many popular Sesame Street characters, including the counting vampire, Count von Count—passed away Thursday night, at the age of seventy-eight, ah ah ah. Genetically predisposed to lack human-grade empathy, conservative lawmakers on Capitol Hill lauded Mr. Nelson's passing as, "one more stake through the heart of public television's despicable socialist-indoctrination-and- propaganda machinery."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

The U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit has struck down a law that would have required tobacco companies to place large, graphic labels—including that of a man exhaling through a surgically-placed burr hole in his neck —on the outer-packaging of their products. Seemingly unfamiliar with the concept of personally setting legal precedent, Judge Janice Brown noted that the two-to-one decision to dismiss the law stemmed from the FDA having, "not provided a shred of evidence" that the labels would help to curb smoking. Wearing a stark red-and-white judicial robe—which Her Honor had recently acquired, along with a desk lamp and spacious duffel bag, upon receiving a one-time exception from the Altria Group that allowed over seventy-five-thousand of her long-defunct Marlboro Miles® to be cashed in—Ms. Brown added, exhaling a long, smooth drag of flavor country that immediately activated the courtroom's array of high-pressure fire-suppression sprinklers, "Hey [coughing] nanny-staters [gagging], I've got a label for ya. [coughing] Warning: [gasping] this product is [dry-heaving] known by me [wheezing] to be amazing [violent-coughing-induced rib fracture]."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

UPDATE: Additional details have come to light in a story upon which Newspunch reported earlier, related to the National Republican Party asking for understanding in dealing with the fallout of U.S. Senate candidate Todd Akin's recent controversial statements regarding rape and abortion…

In a heartfelt apology statement released by the Congressman's campaign, Mr. Akin made clear that he's deeply sorry for having "misspoke," and he wants everyone to know, "I misspoke." University of Chicago linguistics expert, Ana Mono-Pia, explained, "In the political lexicon— speciﬁcally in the Republican subset—the word 'misspoke' roughly translates to: 'I said exactly what I feel and believe, and even though I absolutely agree with and believe in what I said, I'm here to tell you that—given the fact that you didn't really dig it—its accidental utterance was purely incidental, I didn't actually mean it, and I don't actually believe it, at this particular moment in time.'" Several of Rep. Akin's groundbreaking gynecological and sociological discoveries—including the ability of the recently rape-impregnated female body to automatically abort such pregnancies, and the fact that otherwise vehemently anti-choice politicians can be at peace with this particular, entirely-ﬁctional form of natural abortion—are set to be published in the fall issue of the peer-reviewed political science journal Conservative Mouth Fart.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

After deciding to end his ﬁght against steroid-use charges levied by the USADA, champion cyclist Lance Armstrong was stripped of his seven Tour de France titles, as well as publicly unmasked, revealing that he is, in fact, none other than former MLB superstar, Mark McGuire. Said a cantankerous and deﬁant Big Mac, "And I would've gotten away with it, too —if it weren't for those peddling do-gooders."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

Incumbent Republican politicians and candidates across the nation are asking the public to not allow the rancor surrounding U.S. Representative Todd Akin (R-MO) to taint their view of the Grand Old Party as a whole. Stated Republican National Committee co-chair, Sharon Day, "In light of the outcry over Mr. Akin's views, the RNC would like to remind everyone that we, as a party, do not and will not share these views, until such time as they again become socially acceptable, and/or politically advantageous." Pausing momentarily to tug violently at her own hair, Mrs. Day then added, through gritted teeth and a sudden stream of tears, "How did I even get to this point? What am I doing in this party? Abort, Sharon—abort," before dropping her microphone, hot-wiring a Camaro, and hightailing it to Vermont.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

CLASSIFIEDS » Great starter home for reverse sale! — mort-ivated reverse-seller, asking to pay you $219,500; happy to entertain all offers, including immediate, online deed-transfer, exorcism or initiation of the honor system

This is a little rushed, but after I recently parted ways with my trusty steed, I was forced to live in my house again. Wait—did I say "forced?" No. What I meant was, "I had the amazingly good fortune to have an opportunity to get reacquainted with the old party pad." And now, after having more time to reacquaint than any one mortal human should ever have to be subjected to, I just can't take it anymore. Uhm … which is to say, of course, that I just can't take standing in the way of some other lucky person getting to enjoy this little treasure any longer. So tell your friends, earn some cash, and jump in feet-ﬁrst for the adventure of a lifetime (note that it's highly-encouraged you use red-hot-stalagmite-proof shoes, if you decide to do so)!

Do you love pool parties, backyard cookouts, cozy movie nights and howling demons? If you do, you're gonna absolutely love your new home! With a murky, ﬁfty-foot-deep, horn-shaped pool (complete with diving/carving board), built-in-masonry-fashioned bottomless "barbecuing" pit, twelve-seat home theater room (with Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 and Freddy Got Fingered cued up and rarin' to go at a moment's notice!), and the ever-present specter of Satan, this is the place for you!

Layout-wise, it's pretty standard. You've got just a hair under two-thousand square feet, spread over two floors (and not inclusive of the beautiful, finished basement, currently home to a swirling vortex), four bedrooms, three-and-a-half baths, a blood sink, three-car garage, home office, spacious den, and two séance chambers, all on two acres of primordial grave-plots, so you won't be hurting for amenities. (Please keep in mind, however, it's inevitable several of the amenities will try to hurt you.)

If you like, you can take this gem off my hands fully-furnished, for an extra $10,000 from me to you. Additionally, the glut of custom, one- of-a-kind artwork throughout is literally breathtaking. From the telekinetically asphyxiating evil satyr busts, pentagraphic murals and post- modern pitchfork installations, to the Andy Warhols, the inner artist in everyone is just bound to become graphically exposed to the outside air. And don't get me started on this kitchen! With gorgeous stainless steel appliances, a top-of-the-line "enchanted" garbage disposal system, granite countertops and wall-to-wall razor-edged cutting implements, this thing is a home-gourmet's fantasy! Don't look in the freezer.

Hey, I'm not gonna lie to you. This place has its drawbacks. The garage door sticks from time to time, it seems like the pantry's always on ﬁre, and with a north-facing breakfast nook, neither sunrise nor sunset is in the cards for your morning coffee or evening martini. On top of that, being the only house in town using the new 666 area code makes for a lot of wrong numbers, which can certainly be a bother during a family dinner or midnight shrieking. That being said, let's be honest with ourselves, here: All homes have their little issues here-and-there, but, much like people, the quirks and structural idiosyncrasies are what makes them unique, and, I would submit, they're what turns a house into a home.

Now, for the love of all that's holy, please, please come make this your home. Slide your offers under the door (if your offer immediately falls from the sky after sliding it under the door, don't panic; the roof is buried beneath the house, but, as far as it and the laws of haunting dynamics are concerned, it's still on top, so that's bound to happen now and again), or call (666) 372-6341 and leave a voicemail for Matt or Sir Mr. B. L. Z. Bob (during the call, you may notice every single hair on your body standing on end … please ignore it … that's just normal … electrical … stuff). Mention this ad (or don't) and get the house for free, right now, as soon as possible, oh God, please take it, please take it.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed on or around August 22, 2012

Magazine Covers From The Future I brought this back from a recent trip to 2019, and, I gotta say, props to the folks over at future Cosmo! They've really toned down the cover language … I didn't see a single instance of the word "sex" anywhere! I think a respectful round of applause is apropos for their far-more-measured future use of the racy language everyone—young and old alike—gets to enjoy, every single day, while waiting in the supermarket check-out line! And so—with exactly as much adieu as I've already adieu'd up to this point—please enjoy this little treasure from a time yet to be…

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during the summer or fall of 2012

Reviewing Vacation Destinations I've Never Visited ______

Topeka — Kansas, United States of America, North America … Being a straight man, I'll admit that I was a little nervous when my plane landed at Topeka's Harvey Milk Metropolitan Rainbowport. As everyone knows, Fred Phelpses (the ofﬁcial demonym for residents of Topeka)—as with all Kansans—take their homosexuality very, very seriously. (There's even a low-key Baptist church in town, whose parishioners are known to occasionally, politely let others know how they're feeling about various topics, through the use of poster-board and what appears to be fragments of English as a third language.) As it turned out, though, my fears were entirely unfounded.

The moment I stepped off the plane and into the Ted Allen International Terminal, I was awash in a sea of stylishly appointed corridors; lispy, nonsexual salutations; and ample over-the-shirt-shoulder-rubs from gentlemen sporting chic Daisy Dukes and neckerchiefs. I won't mislead you … it is just a tad unnerving to find yourself alone in a place where you're representing not just a minority group, but the whole of that minority group (and at 100% gay, the Fred Phelpses definitely succeeded in arousing this native-Californian's anxiety from flaccid to fully erect in mere seconds), but, as it turns out, Topeka's just like anywhere else in America, except completely, unconditionally, utterly gay. And now I finally understand what all those politicians were talking about when they'd make references to "Main Street" and "the real America" … they were just plugging Topeka! (Granted, not in the way the locals do it, but plugging nonetheless … and any publicity is good publicity!)

From Beaver King and Man Pounders, to the Eastern Kansas State Museum of Salon and Product; from The Coffee Bean & Teabag and Lispy Kreme, to Six Fags Over Topeka's famous Hung Todd's Wild, Wild Ride; from the famed S.W. Washburn Avenue "Drag Strip" and Gay Koreatown, to the regional headquarters of the Republican Party, Topeka has something for everyone! Look, I know it can be a little intimidating if you're not gay, but fret not, my li'l honorary Fred Phelps! Just paint on some leather chaps and repeat after me: Topeka's here, Topeka's queer, now go get those legs waxed!

The verdict? Not only would I suggest anyone and everyone owes "The Gay Apple" a visit, I'd even urge the more adventurous souls among you to venture southwest to Wichita … while it's currently the seat of Closet County, honey, when they ﬁnish that redistricting next year, it's gonna be a coming out party like you've never seen! ______

Luxembourg City — Grand Duchy of Luxembourg, Europe … It seems I couldn't set foot in Luxembourg without setting foot on someone else's foot, or loosing my balance and falling into Germany or Belgium. Why bother going through all the trouble of becoming autonomous and sovereign if everyone has to share the same toilet? Rumor has it they were trying to annex a small parcel of land near the French border (eight inches to your left, if you're reading this review from Luxembourg's national computer) to add a second, but World War II kind of derailed that whole plan, and the Prime Minister's just never been able to maintain his physical presence within the Luxembourgian borders often or consistently enough to get the ball rolling again.

And even though it gets more-than-a-little old constantly passing local mail back and forth amongst everyone, this city-country isn't without its charms. For example, I thoroughly enjoyed the copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone they keep behind the toilet's water tank, and the plumes of decadent French cuisine-fumes that waft in from time to time simply defy description—one must experience it for him or herself to truly appreciate the sensation that overtakes your slowly starving body, when you catch that ﬁrst complexly-layered aromatic whiff of a beautiful coq au vin or canard à l'orange. And the people weren't bad, either. A lot of Americans have this image of Europeans as being snooty, arrogant or aloof, but almost everyone I laid on top of, underneath or alongside was nothing but friendly, helpful and charming. For days I had a raging itch behind my ear I was unable to satisfy, and this absolute mench of a man from the west side of the city offered his ﬁnger nails in sweet relief.

I suppose the best advice I could give is this: If you're considering planning a visit, opt to instead view Google's most recent Luxembourg photograph, and squirrel away the money for another time and place. The permitting process to admit your space-occupying thumbs into the country can be arduous, so it's tough to tell if other foreigners are enjoying themselves while there, but—judging by my own experiences, and the smooshed, pained faces of my fellow tourists—I'd say it's two big, fat, ample-space-commanding American thumbs down. And if you simply must visit, know this: The heat generated by all those sardine-can-packed Luxembourgers and tourists can become absolutely overwhelming, so I highly, highly recommend leaving all of your clothing at home. ______

(Shēnzhèn) — Guangdong Province, People's Republic of China, Asia … Most people—if at all—will only recognize from the return-address on the outer packaging of their web-ordered iPad or MacBook, but I'm here to tell you there's so much more to this polluted industrial Peking-clusterduck!

The most striking thing visitors of this coastal manufacturing center in southern China will notice is the architecture: Sleek, shiny and Apple. The Cupertino, California-based multinational has spared no expense (well, they've spared a few labor-related expenses!) in making this place their own. From City Hall's gleaming, twenty-six-thousand iPad 2 façade, to the capacitive multi-touch hobos and iCloud-quarantined human rights good intentions, the shear breadth of ambitiousness and "magic" inherent in the late Steve Jobs's vision of supply-chain efﬁciency above all else would make the late Frank Lloyd Wright crap his humanistic, organic architecture pants!

A full 94% of the city's land-area is comprised of a massive, self-contained Foxconn manufacturing and living compound, where anywhere from two-hundred-thousand to five-hundred-thousand Apple-contracted workers spend twenty-three-hours-a-day rotating through various positions; doing everything from tongue-moistening iPhone 4S glass-screen assembly glue and verifying that all Food Network-related apps are displaying mouthwatering filet mignon at the correct resolution (taking full advantage of the New iPad's super-high-definition "retina" display), to serving as the sprawling campus's primary foundation, solid waste processing system, and, depending upon current wind conditions, roofing shingles.

For the foreign tourist, just watching all of our future iOverlords from the burgeoning Jintao-Creditor Dynasty work together so seamlessly is truly a testament to American ingenuity, American obliviousness and the human spirit.

One of the most popular pastimes in town (aside from passing the time by never, ever leaving work, and/or slowly dying) is sitting out in the lush, green Foxconn courtyard and watching the suicides. Personally, I was able to catch time-lapse footage of no fewer than sixteen jumpers, just by leaving my iPhone 4 on a marble bench for an hour, while I enjoyed an absolutely amazing gourmet meal in the off-limits Oot Avvreech's Salted Wound Norwegian Chophouse, a fifteen-star steakhouse and forlornery—positioned behind a massive pane of state-of-the- art curved glass—overlooking the Rhode Island-sized factory floor! (And don't worry, all you bleeding-hearts … none of the jumpers felt a thing. Former Foxconn employees have gradually installed a latticework of rigid, spiny, rock-like "skeleton nets" around the factory's perimeter, which Foxconn and Apple management have deemed sufficient to deter most would-be jumpers, and save the braver go-getters of the iFold from any undue suffering!)

I didn't personally try the water, but I hear it's some of Asia's brownest, so I guess that's my loss. Next time! All in all, though, I'd say was a great place to visit. There's nothing quite like laying out a sweet picnic spread up at Meaningless Existence Meadows Provincial Park, and then just kicking back, relaxing and munching some sesame chicken tacos with your iPhone, iPad and MacBook by your side, trying to wrap your head around the fact that your little babies were born just eight blocks away, on W. Despair Boulevard and Pittance Road! Also, I highly recommend a visit to the National Archives of Unpunished Free Speech, which they keep in an empty box in the storeroom of a downtown 7-11 convenience store, manned twenty-four-hours-a-day by gently-compensated grade-schoolers. ↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

Sketch: "Make A Wish" They say the innocent, mindless fluttering of a lowly butterfly's wings off the coast of Brazil can be the catalyst that triggers a series of interconnected events, which ultimately culminate in a violent hurricane slamming into the Gulf coast. They also say the mindless thinking of a tiny, fleeting thought off to the side of my head can be the catalyst that triggers a series of interconnected sitting-here-and-writings, which ultimately culminate in a vile sketch slamming into the Internet. They are correct on both counts. peep the PDF

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed on or around August 21, 2012

Sharing The Joy Of Good Food During a recent road-trip to Oklahoma City, my fiancée and I stopped for brunchfast in downtown Ardmore, where we chose to sate our noshed-food receptacles within the comfy confines of a quaint little hole-in-the-wall place, by the name of La O'khoma Industrial Diesel Service Center or Bistro. There, we enjoyed one of the most amazing, unforgettable meals of our collective lives. The experience so stuck with us, in fact, that I feel utterly compelled to share with you—ensuring you're fully prepared, should you ever find yourself in the enviable position of having an opportunity to partake of its many delights—the possibilities, which the proprietors—seven lovely, lovely gents by the names of Slava, Big Al, Slava, Regular Al, Bernardino, Slava and Sweaty Dave—have so painstakingly mapped out on this copy of their menu, which I simply had no choice but to permanently borrow without permission. In doing so, perhaps you'll find some small measure of comfort or joy in vicariously experiencing this amazing little Great Plains gastro-gemstone— through the casual perusal of its irresistible culinary offerings—which is remotely represented by this digitally-inked paper, for your convenience. I truly hope you do! Bon appétit, friends. peep the PDF

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

At a ceremony in China's Inner Mongolia Autonomous Region, a twenty-three-year-old self-proclaimed music lover has been crowned Miss World 2012. The win by Yu Wenxia—who loves to smile and was created by Champaign, Illinois- based Great Planes Model Manufacturing, a subsidiary of Hobbico Incorporated—marks only the second time in the history of the pre-packaged beauty queen industry that an American-designed product has been successfully outsourced to China.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

UPDATE: Additional details have come to light in a story upon which Newspunch reported earlier, related to the announcement that The Tonight Show is being forced to lay off staff and require wage concessions, in the midst of budget cuts…

Elaborating on the need for such drastic actions, NBC President of Alternative and Late Night Programming, Paul Telegdy, explained, "I know it seems harsh, but what everyone continues to be completely incapable of grasping is the shear amount of effort and monetary investment that goes into maintaining that famous Leno chin. Weekly chinplant realignments don't come cheap in Beverly Hills." After taking a moment to casually cancel yet another brilliantly innovative, beautifully novel new show that made the mistake of failing to become as popular as Friends after two episodes, Mr. Telegdy added, with great disdain, "You think it stays that pert, youthful and bulbous on its own? Pleaaase, darling—this is show business." Pausing to don a brand-new, 100% O'Brien-head-harvested woolen-pompadour coat—and twirling betwixt two lanky ﬁngers long, curling locks of silver and black—the real-life Cruella de Vil then answered his own question, cackling as he one-handedly thumbed through a fresh rewrite of the upcoming feature ﬁlm 102 Dalmatians 2: 103 Dalmatians Meet Winnie the Pooh: Mo' Hunny, Mo' Puppies, "I can think of at least one-hundred-and-four reasons that's misguided—some people just don't understand art!"

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

An anti-gay group in St. Petersburg has ﬁled a $10.5 million lawsuit against Madonna, after she promoted gay rights during a recent concert here. Finally lumbering toward nineteenth-century social mores, an ushanka-clad Kremlin spokesman boasted, "Russia now triple threat: Terrible music play in church is jail, say gay okay is sue, and have happy-time love- feeling for cute puppies of dog still death penalty."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

Despite remaining untouched at the top of the late-night ratings game, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno is being forced to reduce its budget by approximately 26%, after continually failing to turn a profit. As part of the financial restructuring, twenty to twenty-five staffers will be laid off, and the remaining staff—including Mr. Leno—have agreed to a steep pay cut for Conan O'Brien, host of the TBS late-night comedy variety show, Conan. A 100%-majority of the layoffs will somehow affect only current staff on the entirely unaffiliated Conan. Sensually drawing two outstretched fingers across his apparently sizzling-hot nipples, an exasperated O'Brien said, "Oh, sweet Jesus! How did they find us? No one else has." Watching as a nearby adult man—with fully-developed mental faculties—slipped into a diaper-clad ursus americanus costume and pleasured himself via pantomime, he added, "I can't believe this is finally happening—I can't believe someone is finally aware the new show's on the air! Technically, television scientists have yet to officially verify that TBS even exists."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

UPDATE: Additional details have come to light in a story upon which Newspunch reported earlier, related to Vice President Joe Biden's latest cringe-worthy public comments…

His head sunken into his chest, the unnamed source continued, "When Joe was out really pushing hard on the value of a college education, and he told all those teens at the support group for children of substance abusers they needed to 'get as high as possible in school', I thought I'd seen the worst—and then he spoke at that feminist retreat in Georgia." Powering through a minor stroke, he continued, "How many times can one man mangle a local cliché that badly? He must've said 'kiss your tits' two dozen times. I mean—where can you even go from there?" Drawing in a long, sullen breath, he answered his own question, sighing, "You can introduce Maya Angelou as 'Aunt Je-Maya-ma' at an NAACP dinner, that's where." Approaching rapidly from ﬁfty yards out, Mr. Biden suddenly inserted himself into the conversation, excitedly exclaiming to the unnamed source, "Hey Seth! Sethy-Seth Goldblatt, my Jewgga! My high-level senior campaign ofﬁcial! What is up, my mashugana brotha from anotha motha? This [expletive deleted] guy—this fart-hole. Out spreading the [expletive deleted] good word and [expletive deleted], right? Obama-Biden '08!"

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

A new study has shown that the consumption of eggs at the current American per capita rate of 247 eggs per year has roughly 67% as detrimental an effect on arterial plaque accumulation as cigarette smoking, beyond the age of forty. In tomorrow's news, eggs are good for you again for a couple years.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

President Barack Obama's reelection campaign is on high-alert, after another high-profile off-script Joe Biden comment went viral online. Speaking to a gathering of constituents in Danville, Virginia, the vice president stated that—in reference to a widely-expected loosening of the reins on banking oversight under a Romney-Ryan administration—Wall Street is, "going to put y'all back in chains." Said a senior Obama campaign official—a veteran of three presidential administrations, including that of George H. W. Bush—who asked not to be identified, "It's not the worst I've seen, but we're definitely operating in the totally-tact-deaf-con level four to five range. Joe doesn't know this, but around here we call it 'Code Orange You Just A Little Bit Nostalgic For The Good Old Dan Quayle Days?' Every time I see a potato, watch a spelling bee or witness my boss vomit on a head of state, I just can't help but smile a little inside, thinking of what was. Such a simple time. Oh, to be young again."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

National Hockey League Players Association president, Donald Fehr, has stated that his union and its members recognize that—for the second time in only eight years—they will face a lockout by the league's owners, if a new collective bargaining agreement cannot be negotiated and ratiﬁed in a timely manner. Said American sports fans, "We're getting a hockey league?"

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

Reviewing Books I've Never Read ______

"Twilight" by Stephenie Meyer … SPOILER ALERT: "I'm not going to mince words … I love this book" is the sentence with which this wonderful book ends. And I'm not ashamed to admit it … I whole-heartedly agree with Mrs. Meyer! I love this book, too! Of all the first-in-a-series-of-four teen-mance vampire story-groupings I've non-read and reviewed, this one easily takes the second or third cake! (And there's no shame in second or third cake; sometimes it's even more delicious than first cake—especially when it's filled with butterscotch pudding or an iced cream of some concoction!) If you haven't read it already (and you don't want it ruined for you), I suggest you skip the the rest of this review, because I'm about to go into excruciating plot detail, and totes give away the climax!

Alright, then. Everyone who's here should be ready-and-willing to be spoiled. Here it is: There's dramatic and sexual tension, and probably somebody dies or moves to Phoenix. As a side note, I have to say I was quite pleased by the many novel plot devices Mrs. Meyer utilized in crafting this literary godsend. The use of not one, but eight time machines brought something of a confusing time matrix quality to the otherwise occasionally overly-science-y storyline. And the cameos were simply to die for. I'd never seen a posthumous Burt Lancaster so brilliantly pull off a schizophrenic Indian chief on the page before this glue-bound work of art came into my life. Not to mention Burt Reynolds's and Tom Selleck's breathtaking portrayals of dueling sea captains, each trying so feverishly to out-gay-mustache the other's sold- out Gay Mustache Party Cruise … shoot, it kinda made me wanna head out and hit the "open" waters myself!

In summation, I think it's safe to say this is one of those books that will sell dozen—if not dozens!—of copies, and should be added to every literate human's to-read list, from eight to eight. I don't think it's going too far to say all safety pamphlets aboard our nation's airliners should be replaced by Mrs. Stephenie Meyers's truly tour de force powerhouse of explosive, non-hyperbolic regular-old-everyday-genius-trouncing- super-genius, explosively pounded onto the page with her explosive wit and elegance! Two fangs way down! (That's vampire humor for a positive review.) ______"Anna Karenina" by Leo Tolstoy … I understand the caterpillar is very hungry. I get that. What I don't get is why it took thirty-two full- color pages to get that idea across. Talk about your long-winded tripe. I'm an avid non-reader. I don't read anything and everything I can get my hands off. And when a ﬁctional Russian-lit major friend of mine said, "Hey, you should read Anna Karenina!" I was like, "No." And look what that bit of misplaced enthusiasm on my part got me—three parking tickets and an outstanding $40 tab at the local library, which only continues to accrue by the every-other-week. I often hear of Tolstoy being compared to his myriad great contemporaries—L. Ron Hubbard, Jodi Picoult and John Grisham, to name but a few—but I just don't see it. I don't get it. And you know, just because a caterpillar decides he's very hungry, it doesn't give him license nor need to eat every goddamn thing he sets his six pairs of ocelli on. Didn't anyone tell him there's an obesity epidemic decimating American waistlines and pancreases? Pulp ﬁction at its worst. ______

"The Bible" by Jesus … When I first floated the idea to myself of not reading the book that's topped the New York Times Bestseller list for over 100,000 consecutive weeks and counting, and then reviewing it, I'll admit I was a little uneasy; a tad hesitant. I worried about the whole "sacrilege" thing, and a little about being eternally damned in a pit of hellfire and hellwater (which actually only makes hellfire worse), but then I remembered: Oh, yeah—for the sake of this internal justification, I'm temporarily Jewish, and I don't believe in hell! So then I was like: Fuck, let's goddamn do this thing!

First off, let me just say that I liked this book. Like many authors' early works, The Bible seems to capture that ﬂeeting enthusiasm and freewheeling grandeur so often lost with age. It's truly a tragedy for the literary world that this rising and re-rising star was twice taken from us at such a tender age, because, in the thousands and thousands of meandering pages of this raw, uncut masterwork, Jesus really touched on something. The humor he managed to conjure through the copious use of ﬂat-out contradictory themes, ideals and narratives wasn't lost on this reviewer. Jesus was truly ahead of his time.

Of particular note is the story of The Tortoise and the Hare. While most of the deeply interwoven tales told throughout this thirty-eight-pound tome seem to speak to some higher power—or simply nudge the reader in the direction of a deeper meaning—The Tortoise and the Hare was simply Jesus being Jesus, for Jesus. Sure it was a tad self-indulgent, but then—who wouldn't enjoy the thought of a talking tortoise racing a talking rabbit, with no greater moral importance trying to crash the light-hearted laughter party? And nearly two-thousand years before Look Who's Talking Now? Truly a gem, and, again, well ahead of its time. As for all the gratuitous violence and errant hatred, well … I forgive him. It's one thing to be a little racist, homophobic or misogynistic here or there, but it's something else entirely to just straight-up come across as holier-than-thou, something which Jesus goes to great lengths to avoid.

Oddly, rumors persist that the notoriously reclusive Jesus just might descend from hiding, and come back to pen a sequel or two, but, in the interim of unknowable duration, I think the answer to the age-old question What Would Jesus Write? has been thoroughly and unequivocally answered, and we should simply be happy for that. After all, I heard the guy died for our shins (and even though they seem a little poorly designed, with way too much unprotected surface area for so unforgiving, tender and easily bruised an area, I thank him for that), and how many artists do you know who are honestly that non-self-obsessed? With The Bible, Jesus has performed the literary miracle of turning blotter divine. It's not just a good book—it's the good book.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

Facebook Inc.'s stock price dropped to a new low of $19.69 per share, leading some actual, presumably well-educated, professionally practicing journalists to ask the question, "Is this the bottom?" A freshly-picked tangerine—ﬁtted with a hyper-sensitive microphone, and somehow more attuned to common sense than at least a few humans—offered an answer, stating, "No—zero dollars is obviously the bottom [gurgle gurgle]."

Friday, August 17, 2012 » Worth The Wait? Geez, you-I took long enough. It's okay, though. You can breathe a sigh of reliefxiety. I'm back. Back here, back to blogging, back to everywhere (with the slight exception of most places).

As is essentially always the case, I really have nothing of any import to impart. Oh! No, never mind. Thought I had something for a second, there. But check this out: On August-day number two, I posted a Newspunch about a new pill that monitors your health from the inside, right? And I likened the mechanisms by which it functions to a certain "Magic Schoolbus." Right? Well … on August-day number ten, The Colbert Report did a feature on the same recently-FDA-approved li'l doodad, and guess what they likened it to? Yep. The same thing. That's the second time that's happened (at least that I'm aware of) since I really started writing again (once on Colbert and once on TDS), and while there is a tiny, tiny urge to say, "ah! I thought of that ﬁrst!" mostly it just makes me feel a tiny, tiny little bit better about my chances of eventually succeeding at this. I mean, hey … at least my instincts are (occasionally) in the right place, right?

In other me-related news, I finally bit the bullet and ponied-up the dough for Final Draft. (In addition, I did other things that can be described adequately by one or more clichés, but I won't get into that here, as it's bad form to beat a dead horse.) Everything I've read basically says the same thing: Yes, Celtx and other free or very inexpensive screenwriting softwares can do most (or even all) of what FD does, but if you're even the slightest bit serious about making a career of it, bite the bullet and buy it. It's the industry standard. Not necessarily because it's the best at everything, but because it just is, and that's it. Everyone uses it, and when you send a file to someone for coverage, they're going to want it in the FD format, so they can open and annotate it themselves, et cetera. So, long story obviously at least one sentence longer, I bought it. And if anyone else is thinking about it, Amazon seems to be the cheapest for digital downloads, and you can always find a relatively inexpensive used CD-ROM edition, too.

In more-other me-related news, it seems the decision's been made (by my ﬁancée and me) to move to L.A. sometime early next year. More precisely, Burbank (assuming I can get a work transfer). In the past nine years, I've moved eight times (including three times clear across the country, and once halfway across the country), but this is gonna by far be the most complicated. It's moving more stuff than I've ever had to move, in addition to moving two cars (compared to zero the other eight times) and a cat. And then I think, "Maaan … I was already there [for most of the ﬁrst twenty years of my life] … why'd I leave?" And then I remember that, up until about three years ago, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life (though the more I think about it, the more I realize the signs were always there), and, oh yeah—southern California completely and utterly sucks.

Anyway, so, it's gonna be a lot of work, but we'll make do. Looking at apartments on craigslist, I'm not seeing a signiﬁcant difference in rent prices from Dallas (I'm thinking the majority of the higher cost of living comes in the form of mortgage payments, but we deﬁnitely will not be buying a house). Yeah, California does have a state income tax (which Texas does not), but, as far as state income taxes go, it's not very high. And yeah, it does cost a lot more to register a car there (and insurance is probably higher, too), but, you know, it is what it is.

Hey! Mark your calendar … in only two shorts weeks, in this very spot, you'll again have the opportunity to read about a whole load-a crap you don't care two poos about! Score! Tremendous! Bye-bye now.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

A recent Air France flight from Paris to Beirut was diverted to Syria, after civil unrest was reported near the Lebanese capital's airfield. Said the Air France dispatcher—one Pierre-Denis d'Ironique—responsible for making the decision to send the roughly 180 passengers and crew into the midst of a violent civil war, rather than into the midst of a violent local conflict, "I haven't watched le TV, read le newspaper or le Internet, nor been what you might call 'le conscious' at any point during le past five or six months." Upon landing, the crew of flight 562 asked passengers how much cash they cumulatively held—managing to scrounge up $17,000 USD—after airport fuelers refused to accept credit card payment to refuel the Boeing 777. Said Captain Pierre-Denis LaFrenchie, "No one takes Discover anymore." He added, " Sacrebleu!" Although details of the deal eventually ironed out between the two parties— which allowed the aircraft and its passengers to layover in Cyprus for the night, before safely continuing to their originally intended hellscape —were unclear, some speculate the initial friction arose from the unfavorable exchange rate between the euro and the Syrian pound. Concluded Captain LaFrenchie, "I can't get into le specifics, but le important thing is that we were able to complete le conversion, and, ultimately, hit le road from Damascus."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

Scientists studying the cyclical oscillations of the sun have discovered that the Earth's nearest stellar neighbor is not only round, but rounder than previously thought. Along with the 'roundbreaking' revelation, the scientists also found that squares are square, hot is hot, and bananas are exactly as banana as originally anticipated.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed on or around August 17, 2012

Pixelated Brownish Comics #13 Oh, no … is this the end? Is it over? Is that guy from this finally dead and gone? I'm not at liberty to say, but I will say this: No, no it's not; no, no it's not; and no, no he's not. I'm terribly sorry to have at first faux-terrified you, and then so greatly disappointed you immediately thereafter. I mean seriously, though … he's talking, isn't he? He's aware he's in a grave, right? And he's visually indicating as much? How could he be dead, yet continue to live and speak and laugh and love? (The flukey, heebie-jeebie-inducing case of one Pat "Pretty Sure He's Satan" Robertson not withstanding, of course.) Answer me that, and I will treat you to half a bag of melted Skittles, submerged in a frothy blend of vintage Diet Mountain Dew and stagnant goldfish funk. ↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

Pope Benedict XVI's former butler is being tried on a charge of aggravated theft, for allegedly leaking papers indicating Vatican corruption. Said a ﬁlthy nineteenth-century irony-sweep from Dublin, "Wait—so you're telling me there might be corruption within the walls of the opulent, sovereign castle-like home of a supposed servent of God who employs a personal butler at the same time 20% percent of humanity is living on less than $1.25 a day? Say what?"

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

UPDATE: Additional details have come to light in a story upon which Newspunch reported earlier, related to the twenty- ﬁfth anniversary of The Discovery Channel's "Shark Week"…

Shark Week is not without its detractors, however. Like most long-running series, some fans complain of what they perceive to be a steady decrease in originality and quality, as, it seems, most shark-related content waters have already been explored. Twice in 1999, and again in 2007—in embarrassingly public lapses of editorial judgement—an increasingly ratings-desperate Discovery Channel engaged in an ill- conceived, poorly-executed attempt to pass clumsily pink-spray-painted shortfin makos off as an entirely new, previously unknown species of shark, dubbed the "lesser Florida flamingo teeth-beast." In subsequent years, a seemingly nonstop stream of sitcoms revolving around cynical, quick-witted shark protagonists and their bumbling-but-well-meaning human and/or canine handlers have premièred, with varying degrees of unsuccess and general carnage. Such blatantly transparent publicity stunts have even led several prominent shark critics to find themselves reduced to the use of unintentionally lousy wordplay and puns when reviewing the series, lambasting the Shark Week tradition with such sparkling fish turds as, "less than fin-tastic," "what was dorsya'll thinkin'," and, "just pour me a bowl of Honeychub Chubbios." Said one such critic—satirical shark-centric periodical The National Harpoon's editor-in-chief, Dr. J. Hammer "Head" Gastfurber—of the series' continuing decline, "Oh, Shark Week jumped the Fonz long, long ago."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks Only seven years ago a passionately unabashed fan of atheist-libertarian author Ayn Rand's Darwinian views on life, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) has changed his tune, after being named presumptive presidential nominee Mitt Romney's running mate. Remarked Romney on Ryan's sudden reversal and denial of well-documented past positions, "Yep, he's gonna do just ﬁne in my administration."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

The Discovery Channel is celebrating twenty-five years of Shark Week, beginning tonight. The annual tradition began when the then-fledgling and severely cash-strapped cable network won temporary rights to air the 1987 film Jaws: The Revenge —widely panned as one of the worst films of all time—in a Los Angeles-area church raffle, which the network quickly decided to loop back-to-back for 168 consecutive hours, in a bold bid to boost viewership. However, during the early morning hours of day five—at the urging of Congress, the international diplomatic community, and, for reasons still unexplained, Bono—President Ronald Reagan signed an executive order authorizing a one-time, no-strings-attached $500 billion payout to the network, with the sole requirement that it cease airing the film immediately, and destroy all known copies ad infinitum. Henceforth flush, The Discovery Channel has brought Shark Week back every year since, morphing the spectacle into a week of non-cinematic, shark-based programming, and thus fulfilling a lustful thirst for carnivorous fish knowledge that's lived in the hearts and minds of the nation's populace for exactly 1/52nd of a year, per year, since the magical summer of '88.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

TMZ is reporting that a topless photo of Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg was posted to the 28-year-old's personal Timeline, and then immediately removed. Said the Webster's dictionary entry for topless male: "virtually impossible noun – Unless breast augmentation, rare 'lipples' or an upper-body penis are present, 'topless' means exactly nothing, when referencing a man. And it's certainly not newsworthy."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

TIME Magazine columnist and host of CNN's Fareed Zakaria GPS, Dr. Fareed Zakaria, has been suspended by both organizations—one month by the former, and indefinitely by the latter, each pending further review—after it was learned he'd plagiarized several paragraphs of a recent TIME article related to gun control, lifting the segments from a Jill Lepore- authored essay, previously published in The New Yorker. Said Mr. Zakaria, in an apology posted to his personal blog, "Indeed, I did have a relationship with Ms. Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible." He went on to say, "There is no excuse, nor should there be any tolerance, for anyone who thinks or expresses any kind of anti-Semitic remark. I want to apologize specifically to everyone in the Jewish community for the vitriolic and harmful words that I said to a law enforcement officer the night I was arrested on a DUI charge." In a subsequent addendum to the post, Mr. Zakaria concluded, "I want to take a moment to apologize for an insensitive and ill-conceived remark I made the other morning regarding the Rutgers womens' basketball team. It was completely inappropriate, and I can understand why people were offended. My characterization was thoughtless and stupid, and I am sorry."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

A team of researchers from MIT, Harvard and Seoul National University has created a soft, flexible, durable robotic earthworm. Outfitted with a tiny camera, the high-tech megadrile could be useful in military applications, as well as allowing mankind to finally see what the inside of a fish looks like.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

Several photos bearing an uncanny resemblance to that of California's barren and desolate Mojave Desert—beamed back by the Mars rover Curiosity—turned out to be just that, after it was learned a NASA engineer had inadvertently crossed the feed from the backup camera of his Range Rover—which he'd left parked in the heart of Victorville, California's culture and arts district—with that of the $2.5 billion space buggy. Said the guilty, unnamed rocket scientist, who's no brain surgeon, "My bad." In related news—adding insult to injury after a much-lauded return for NASA to the public consciousness, following the successful landing of Curiosity—several JPL-released photos brieﬂy believed to be ﬁrst glimpses of Mars's Gale Crater turned out to be high-resolution panoramic views of a routine colonoscopy being performed at nearby Cedar Sinai Medical Center, in a similarly embarrassing mix-up. Said the unnamed gastroenterologist—who's no rocket scientist—not responsible for the bowel-clenching mistake, "That guy's bad."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

A seaside New Jersey town is considering using hired goats to get a handle on an overgrowth of poison ivy in the area. Said a rep for Jersey Shore star Snooki, regarding her new part-time gig, "Well, she's always on the lookout for a cash-grazing opportunity—plus she's with kid now, and has a huge craving for pickles and ivy—so, you know. Two birds, one doe."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks The number of young people claiming video game addiction and seeking professional help for their problem continues to rise. Already widely-regarded as the emerging issue's epicenter, South Korea has seen a recent spike in the establishment of dark, uninviting places known as "shooting galleries"—serving as a place for addicts to take such games as Call of Duty: Black Ops and Shoot All The Stupid Non-Virgins 8: Come Get Some in a group-setting—at the same time programs aimed at helping those afﬂicted to kick the habit—including outside air breathing, sunshine basking and talking to humans—have seen their funding reduced or even eliminated.

In the United States, where video games are legal, multinational cartridge-tels—including the likes of Nintendo, Konami and Sega—control supply and set global prices, while various corporate middlemen are free to move their products all over the nation. Grapevine, Texas-based GameStop—one of the country's largest distributors of pure, uncut Japanese video games—denies any responsibility for the growing epidemic, with its responsibility avoidance department issuing a statement declaring, "GameStop always implores its customers to use its products responsibly, and stands by the claim that its products are 100% safe, when taken as directed. To this end, GameStop cannot be held accountable for the perpetual inaction of individual customers who choose to overindulge in its products."

But the persistent zombie-like state of video game users like Davenport, Iowa resident Tim Hardaway—who started using Super Mario Bros. at the age of three, before moving on to progressively harder games—seems to say otherwise. Asked what responsibility for his addiction he feels the manufacturers and distributors should bear, Mr. Hardaway said, "[twenty-six consecutive hours of silent, zombie-like staring]." Pressed, he added, "[annoyed grunt], [angry grunt], [annoyed grunt]."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

A recent Delta Air Lines flight from Pittsburgh to New York City was delayed after a swarm of honey bees were found congregated under the aircraft's wing. The issue was quickly resolved, however, when Delta opted to simply acquire the colony, rather than risk being stung in the marketplace. The small, regional bees—well known to locals as JetGoo—had long-maintained their primary hive at Pittsburgh International, serving the greater Pittsburgh metropolitan area for the better part of one- hundred million years. And while the Pittsburgh hive will be dismantled and absorbed into Delta's massive operation at Atlanta's Hartsfield- Jackson International Airport following the closing of the merger, officials insist Pittsburgh will remain a "focus hive" for the company. Concerned the new arrangement will lead to lost jobs, officials representing members of United Honey Makers & Queen Keepers Local 2999 issued a public response to the actions by Delta, with union president Buzzy Combs chemically signaling, "Bzzz, bzzz. Bzzz—bzzz? Bzzz!" As of press time, Delta CEO, Richard H. Anderson, had swatted away multiple requests for comment, incessantly droning, "It's none of your beeswax."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

UPDATE: Additional details have come to light in a story upon which Newspunch reported earlier, related to MTV announcing the date on which the sixth season of Jersey Shore is set to première…

Smush rooms from Rio to Shanghai to the Fresno Best Western are reporting record smushings, as the world's inhabitants wrestle with the possibility of their imminent demise, and vie for the chance to execute dozens of ﬁnal expressions of fallaciously perceived love and/or random lust. Skeptics note, however, that this has all happened before—and with less than apocalyptic results. Said Snopes.com curator, David P. Mikkelson, "People throw these arbitrary dates out there all the time, and nothing ever happens." Pausing brieﬂy to forward to ten friends an email chain-letter he'd just received, as instructed, he continued, "Remember when they said Family Matters was coming back for a tenth season on Friday, September 18, 1998? Well, it turned out Jaleel White wasn't even real, and the artist that painstakingly animated him into each episode—for reasons not even Reginald VelJohnson could wrap his head around—passed away during the summer hiatus. Long story short, the show never came back, and life went on as it always had." Tearing up momentarily over the touching story of an anonymous elderly Australian man erroneously credited with penning a poignant poem detailing the shackles and woes of old age, he concluded, "I predict that this, 'the New Jersey shores gang' thing will be no different."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed on or around August 5, 2012

Pixelated Brownish Comics #12 The day has finally come. Sunday, August 5, 2012 is here. Since the beginning of time, this day has been on its way; slowly working toward happening. And now it's here. I can't believe it! I wonder if molten lava people five billion years ago really expected it would ever come? (Or a velociraptor-mounted Jesus, a mere two-thousand years ago, for that matter.) I mean … I know they wanted it to … I just wonder how optimistic about it they really were. The world may never know. But then, it doesn't really matter, because it's here, it happened, and we can all finally relax and stop waiting for it so hard. Ahhh. Muuuch better. What's that? Tuesday, February 29, 3144 is coming? Seriously? Oh. Well, then. Alright … hmm. I guess I'll just go ahead and get ready for it by waiting for it to the hardest of my ability. In the meantime, here's another one of those stupid things I'm always subjecting you to. ↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

Alarmist prophets—known colloquially as "programming executives"—working inside one of cable's many networks of porn-for-guilty-pleasurists, MTV, are predicting the sixth season of the inexplicably popular faux-reality series Jersey Shore will in fact première, signaling the end of days. Said the Prophet and Head of Promotional Media Relations for the network, Jakey Douchemeister, "All your favorites—Sammi, Jwoww, Snooki, Deena, The Situation, Vinny, Pauly D, Ronnie, Shu'meekqua, Droo'von and even Fat Debbie—are back for more, in what promises to be the hottest, wildest, hepatitiest season yet! So hold on to your cocks boys and girls, 'cause it's gonna be more alcoholic guidos GTL-in' than you ever thought you could handle screaming over each other!" A billboard erected alongside the Burbank freeway in Los Angeles predicts October 4, 2012 as the première date, and thus the day on which all earthly life will cease to be.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

Vision-impaired singer, songwriter and instrumentalist, Stevland Hardaway "Stevie Wonder" Morris, has ﬁled for divorce from his wife of eleven years, fashion designer Kai Millard Morris. Said a visibly distraught Mr. Morris, when questioned by E! Online reporters, in regards to the sudden ﬁling, "I can't believe this is happening to us—I just thought I was signing up for DirecTV."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

UPDATE: Additional details have come to light in a story upon which Newspunch reported earlier, related to Tropical Storm Ernesto, which is currently bearing down on the Caribbean island of Jamaica…

Said Rasta Jahmaan, chairman of the government's Dreadlock Protection Agency, "This very well could be the day we've all feared. We urge all citizens to get up, stand up and take full advantage of the free anti-soap services the DPA is providing, while spending as much quality time with your dreadlocks as possible, over the next six hours or so." While the overall sense of dread on the island is palpable—in the midst of the country ﬁnding its most precious natural repulse in such tremendous potential peril—Mr. Jahmaan urged calm, stating, "Although we hope we never have to use it, please remember: An emergency stockpile is always maintained—and guarded twenty-four hours a day by only the ﬁnest Buffalo Soliders—in the shamproof bunker beneath Fort Locks." Smiling brightly, he added, "Don't worry, be happy now."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks Working with the larynx of a deceased zoo elephant, scientists at the University of Vienna recently attempted to uncover the mysterious mechanism by which the giant pachyderms "purr," allowing them to communicate with one another. Said Dr. Frankfurt Heinzman to the people of Austria, upon completion of the study, "Let me put it this way: You might as well just take down all those 'Missing Cat' posters."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

Tropical Storm Ernesto—packing sustained winds of 50 mph and headed westward at 22 mph—is on course to pass over the island nation of Jamaica, where it's expected to dump several inches of heavy rain. Millions of residents are being urged to seek shelter, as Ernesto is likely to introduce the nation's dreadlocks to the ﬁrst moisture they've experienced in decades, threatening to dampen, or—under the worst-case scenario—even clean them. Opportunists in the capital of Kingston have already begun setting up roadside stands—hawking everything from dreadlock ponchos and dreadbrellas, to Scotchgard™ and Turtle Wax®—while the government has formally declared a state of dreadlock emergency, making it easier to access maaanetary relief, by-way-of international braid funds.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during December, 2012, methinks

Rockstone Manor » Season 37, Episode 11: "Everyone Is People"

In this episode* of Rockstone Manor, Janet and Deborah debate an important topic, Harold receives some disturbing information, Janet sees something she was never meant to see, and Demi McCallister ﬁnds comfort in an unexpected place. *This episode was paid for by the American Committee to Invade Every Last Facet of Your Daily Life with Political Advertisements, Attacks and Endorsements. The ACIELFYDLPAAE is responsible for the content of this episode.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

North Korean officials are declaring the country's first "early-out" program to be a rousing success, after 170 residents perished in recent floods. In addition to the death toll, 84,000 people were rendered homeless, in what some are calling an infinite loop of faulty logic. Asked Red Cross spokeswoman, Marla Zimmerman, "How can anyone in a nation of homeless people be made homeless? Did the swollen Ch'ongch'on River wash away their internalized, abstract concepts of what a home might constitute? I don't get it." The program—known as Swallow Your Dreams 2012, and touted as, "your last, best chance to leave North Korea for good"—is not without its critics, however. Said Amnesty International's Terrence Blackwood, "In typical oligarchy fashion, the line to die in the flood was backed up for miles, and most of the hopefuls were lucky to get a sip or two of the fresh rainwater, much less have a decent chance of drowning in it." Shaking his head, he added, "This country doesn't even have enough death to go around." The U.N. is reporting an additional 400 people are still missing, and presumed free.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

A misdemeanor battery charge ﬁled against Academy Award-winning actor Cuba Gooding, Jr—stemming from a bar ﬁght —has been dropped, after the complainant realized Mr. Gooding would be starring in the preliminary hearing, and decided not to attend. Said Mr. Gooding's manager, Ed Katzman, one of six in attendance, "Still pretty good—only half as many people saw the Cubester's last movie."

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks

NBC, exclusive broadcaster of the 2012 Olympic Games in London, has been forced to apologize for a commercial featuring a monkey performing gymnastics, which the network aired immediately following a Bob Costas-anchored recap of Team U.S.A. gymnast Gabby Douglas—who is African-American—being awarded a gold medal. Officials blamed the unfortunate error on poor timing and lack of oversight, and issued a heartfelt four-word response, stating, with tremendous sorrow and overwhelming contrition apparent, "No offense was intended." As of press time, however, the network has yet to offer a pre-apology for the upcoming sitcom Animal Practice—the "veterinary office comedy with plenty of horsing around," of which the monkey gymnast ad was intended to promote—which is still, actually, in-real-life being made by making use of a significant percentage of the finite financial resources of a public company that aims to bring in more money than it spends, and will seriously, intentionally begin airing over honest-to- God airwaves on September 26th, where it will have a very real chance of being seen and interpreted by living, breathing human beings with highly attuned reasoning skills, on purpose.

↓ this dumb thing was made-ed sometime during August, 2012, methinks