Listening To Myself And Others: Silent Empathy

Presents Effective Communication Get Your Message Across Without Getting Burnt Out Program by Mary Kay and Doug Reinemann Based on Marshall Rosenberg’s ‘Nonviolent Communication’

“All human actions are an attempt to meet needs.” Marshall Rosenberg

AGENDA Morning Session 1. Qualities you value in work relationships 2. Four Ways of Hearing 3. Listening to Myself and Others

Afternoon Session 4. Enemy Images

While you are waiting for the session to begin, think of qualities you value in work relationships.

References: . Lasater, Ike (2010). Words that Work in Business. Encinitas, CA, PuddleDancer Press. . Rosenberg, M. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press.

- 1 - 1. Qualities You Value in Work Relationships

In the large group, what are the qualities that you value in work relationships?

Qualities

 Feelings are universal human emotions that have a physical component (experienced in the body). We make a clear distinction between feelings and thoughts. For example: we sometimes say “I feel bullied.” ‘Bullied’ is a thought about what someone else has done to you. Feelings that might be up would include angry or scared. Feelings are indicators telling us if needs are met or not.

 Needs are universal qualities which all human beings need to survive and thrive. We distinguish between needs and strategies for getting the needs met. For example: food is a need; going to a restaurant or a grocery store would be strategies for meeting the need.

- 2 - 2. Four Ways of Hearing

TRIGGER! What are the exact words you heard that bothered you? “You’re late!”

LISTEN TO YOUR THOUGHTS: What’s going through your mind?

Are you:

You’re late! Blaming or judging the other person?

Blaming or judging yourself?

Shift our focus from blame to needs

Alternative ways:

Listen to my feelings & needs

Listen to other’s feelings & needs

Keys to ‘needs-based’ communication:  Pay attention to our reaction after hearing ‘trigger’ statement  Shift our focus from blame to needs  Respond consciously rather than react to our unconscious judgments

- 3 - In ‘needs based’ communication, keep your focus on:  Observations without evaluation  Feelings distinguished from thoughts or stories about what ‘should’ be  Universal human needs as opposed to strategies for getting those needs met  Requests rather than demands

In needs-based communication, the intention is to pay attention to universal feelings and needs (both my own and others’) in order to make a connection so that everyone’s needs will be valued and more likely to be met. Connection leads to using our power with one another in order to meet needs instead of against one another because we are afraid that our needs do not matter and won’t be met.

- 4 - 3. DEMO: Listening To Myself and Others

Trigger: Recall an incident when my interaction with someone ended in a way that was not very satisfying. DEMO Trigger:

Did I… Were either of us…  Notice a vague feeling of discomfort?  Defending a position?  Realize I didn’t enjoy what I or the other person said?  Blaming?  Feel angry or impatient?  Explaining or diagnosing others?  Morally judging?  Seeking to punish? Trigger  Needing to be right?  Wanting the other person to feel guilt or shame? Distinguish between Interpretation and Observation

Interpretation/Judgment of situation or other Observation: What was actually said or done? Selected facts  Factual data as if it was video recorded Individual or societal “filter” or “spin”  What my senses tell me (see, hear, smell) Assumptions/judgments based on our “spin”        

Silently reflect… My Feelings and My Needs

When I see/hear/remember/imagine, I feel: Because I would have liked…

       

Silently reflect… The Other Person’s Feelings and His/Her Needs

I’m wondering if she/he might be feeling: Because there might be a need for:        

Adapted by Shoko Miyagi from Words That Work in Business by Ike Lasater, PuddleDancer Press, 2010.

- 5 - 3. TABLE PRACTICE: Listening To Myself and Others – continued

Trigger: Recall an incident when my interaction with someone ended in a way that was not very satisfying. Write your own trigger statement here.

Did I… Were either of us…  Notice a vague feeling of discomfort?  Defending a position?  Realize I didn’t enjoy what I or the other person said?  Blaming?  Feel angry or impatient?  Explaining or diagnosing others?  Morally judging? Trigg  Seeking to punish? er  Needing to be right?  Wanting the other person to feel guilt or shame? Distinguish between Interpretation and Observation

Interpretation/Judgment of situation or other Observation: What was actually said or done? Selected facts  Factual data as if it was video recorded Individual or societal “filter” or “spin”  What my senses tell me (see, hear, smell) Assumptions/judgments based on our “spin”        

Silently reflect… My Feelings and My Needs

When I see/hear/remember/imagine, I feel: Because I would have liked…

       

Silently reflect… The Other Person’s Feelings and His/Her Needs

I’m wondering if she/he might be feeling: Because there might be a need for:        

- 6 - 4. DEMO: Enemy Images

Step 1) Enemy Image: Recall a person who you see as an enemy or an irritating person.

Step 2) What judgment do I have about this person?

a) Judgment about the person:    He is a psychopath    She is awful    He is so smart

b) How do I feel?    Scared, anxious    Irritated    Resentful

c) What need of mine is NOT met?    Safety    Respect, fairness    Competence

Step 3) What judgment does this person have about me? Try to guess.

a) Judgment about me:    I’m out to get them    I’m aggressive    I’m too slow

b) How might he/she feel?    Angry    Frustrated    Upset

c) What need of his/hers is NOT met?    Help/Support    Contribution    Competence

- 7 - 4. TABLE PRACTICE: Enemy Images – continued

Step 1) Enemy Image: Recall an enemy image. Is it a customer, employee, coworker or supervisor?