Assertive Communication

What is Assertiveness?

Assertiveness is the ability to honestly express your opinions, feelings, attitudes, and rights, without undue anxiety, in a way that doesn't infringe on the rights of others.

Assertive communication skills are not taught in school or in our families, where instead we may have learned to avoid the situations/issues or angrily to demand what we want. Neither of these works well. What can work better is direct, assertive communication.

Many of us confuse assertive behavior with demanding that we should be given what we want immediately. This actually falls into the class of behavior considered aggressive, along with blaming, threatening, and putting down another with a personal attack. Behaving aggressively usually results in barriers between people. If we feel attacked or threatened, we usually defend ourselves in some way. When we are feeling defensive, it is hard to want to work together.

On the other hand, when we operate as if we are doormats, not asking that our needs and desires be recognized, we rarely get what we want. Behavior that is non-assertive includes giving in, making excuses, not saying anything, and being indirect. Too often the result of being non- assertive is being angry and frustrated. We become so sure that the other person is doing what they do just to get us angry. If we could just ask, we might find that they are surprised there even was a problem. They just weren't aware.

When we are assertive, we are being direct, respectful, honest and clear. We take the risk to state clearly what we would like to happen, and listen to the response we receive. Rather than demand that our needs be met, we work together to reach an agreement that works well for both. While the term "compromise" sometimes is seen as giving in to another, coming to a jointly agreeable decision is respectful to everyone involved. Usually, when we feel we are being heard and acknowledged, we are more willing to work together. The key to responsible assertive behavior is giving each other mutual respect.

Assertive Behavior is:  self-expressive  honest  direct  self-enhancing  not hurtful to others  partially composed of content (feelings, rights, facts,opinions, requests, limits)  partially composed of non-verbal style (eye contact, voice, posture, facial expression, gestures, distance, timing, fluency, listening)  appropriate for the person and the situation, rather than universal  socially responsible  a combination of learned skills, not an inborn trait

Why is Assertiveness Important?

If you don't know how to be assertive, you might experience ---  Depression—from anger turned inward, a sense of being helpless, hopeless, with no control over your life.  Resentment—anger at others for manipulating or taking advantage of me  Frustration—how could I be such a wimp? Why did I let someone victimize me?  Temper/violence—If you can't express anger appropriately, it builds up until it blows  Anxiety, which leads to avoidance—If you begin to avoid situations or people that you know will make you uncomfortable, you may miss out on fun activities, job opportunities, relationships, and lots of other good stuff.  Poor relationships of all kinds—non-assertive people are often unable to express emotions of any kind, negative OR positive. It's devastating for a relationship when the partners can't tell each other what they want and need and how the other person affects them. No one is a mind reader. The same is true for friendships and work relationships.  Physical complaints—headaches, ulcers, high blood pressure. We all know what stress does to our bodies, and assertiveness, when it becomes a habit, is a great stress reliever.

Making an Assertive Statement:

There are three parts of each assertive intervention:

1. I feel (an emotion label). 2. When you do (the specific behavior which prompts your emotion). 3. I want (a proposed solution, which you believe will soothe your emotions).

The first two of these steps are engineered to avoid unnecessary and potentially endless arguments. Even when people have read about "I language" (as the first step is called), they often fill in the parentheses with an opinion or a judgment rather than an emotion label. For example, saying "I feel you should. . ." or "I feel you're not being fair. . . ." is not disclosing an emotion. Saying "I feel angry, when you do. . . ," is informing the listener about your reaction and what prompts it. Someone may not like your reaction. Someone may think you are unjustified in having such a reaction. But only rarely would someone argue that you are not experiencing the feeling you report. Alternatively, anyone can argue ceaselessly about an opinion or judgment. Some even consider it sport.

A typical mistake made during the second step is to interpret the meaning of behavior, instead of describing a specific behavior. If you complain that somebody is being "controlling," the object of your complaint may be sincerely dumbfounded, or may endorse their own attempt to "control" you. In either case, there is no compulsion for them to admit to your characterization since there is no standard for defining "controlling" behavior. Yet, if you describe a behavior that just occurred, or indicate some non-verbal cue (e.g., tone of voice) that was just delivered, most people will recognize their own performance (it helps to be timely). In fact, most people think they are entirely justified in their behavior; but they often take issue with what you think it means. The importance of the third step is to remind yourself to take responsibility for your own problem. The problem you are seeking to solve is not the other person's behavior, but your feelings about it. They are powerless to determine your emotions. Even if someone did everything you asked of them, you could still decide that it was an insincere effort, or too little too late, and so on. Others are responsible for their behavior, and may change it if they understand the effects it has on those around them. You are responsible for your own feelings, and being assertive is one way to assume that responsibility.

You may still have a conflict of interests or desires after you deliver step three, but at least the two of you will know just exactly where you disagree. At that time, you will turn to negotiation skills or other fine points of conflict prevention or resolution.

Key Factors to Assertive Communication:

 Use assertive body language. Face the other person, stand or sit straight, don't use dismissive gestures, be sure you have a pleasant, but serious facial expression, keep your voice calm and soft, not whiney or abrasive.

 Use "I" statements. Keep the focus on the problem you're having, not on accusing or blaming the other person. Example: "I'd like to be able to tell my stories without interruption." instead of "You're always interrupting my stories!"

 Use facts, not judgments. Example: "Your punctuation needs work and your formatting is inconsistent" instead of "This is sloppy work." or "Did you know that shirt has some spots?" instead of "You're not going out looking like THAT, are you?"

 Express ownership of your thoughts, feeling, and opinions. Example: "I get angry when he breaks his promises." instead of "He makes me angry." or "I believe the best policy is to…" instead of "The only sensible thing is to …"

 Make clear, direct, requests. Don't invite the person to say no. Example: "Will you please ...?" instead of "Would you mind … ?" or "Why don't you … ?"

 Timing - Spontaneous assertion is generally the best way to help you focus on the feeling you have at the time. Nevertheless, it may be important to choose an occasion to discuss a strong feeling. It is not a good idea to confront someone in front of a group, for example, because extra defenses are sure to be present under those conditions. Remember too, that it is never too late to be assertive. Even though the ideal moment has passed, you will find it worthwhile to go to the person at a later time and express your feelings.

 Listening - Assertive listening involves an active commitment to the other person. It requires your full attention and demonstrates your respect for the other person. It requires that you avoid expressing yourself for a time, yet it is not a non-assertive act. Effective listening often involves the act of giving feedback to the other person, so that it is clear that you understand what was said. Eye contact and certain gestures such as nodding are also appropriate elements of listening. Listening may be trained and developed and effective listening makes all of your assertion more effective.

Good Resources for Further Information:

Alberti, Robert E., and Emmons, Michael. Your Perfect Right. Revised edition. San Luis Obispo, CA: IMPACT, 1990.

Bower, Sharon, and Bower, Gordon. Asserting Yourself. Reading, Massachusetts: Addison- Wesley, 1976.

Bramson, Robert M. Coping with Difficult People. New York: Anchor/Doubleday, 1981

Butler, Pamela. Self-assertion for Women. San Francisco, CA: Harper & Row, 1981.

Smith, Manual J. When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. New York: The Dial Press, 1975.