A Three-Dimensional Cartoon

THE FIXERS (A Three-Dimensional Cartoon) by Terry McFadden

(The interior of an eclectically furnished “Fix-It” shop. Shelves of sloppily stacked old radios, TV’s, computer parts and many other components of miscellaneous nonsense. A row of toasters lines the side wall. STORE GUY A and STORE GUY B are huddled around a table crammed with electrical appliance parts, knobs and wires. Nothing appears to be going on or fitting in anywhere yet they vigorously turn screws, adjust wiring and connect busted pieces arbitrarily and without any logic at all.)

Store Guy A: This goes here and that goes there and this goes there and that goes here. Store Guy B: And here goes this and there goes that and there goes this and where goes that? Store Guy A: Why that latches to this here and this slides into that there, then all we’re going to need is a couple of clockwise turns like so and a “jiggle-it-in right” behind it. Store Guy B: That is true, that is very true, and, once we’re behind it we’re already there because then all we need is a nut. A nut will do the trick. Store Guy A: Yes, yes, I do believe you have it. And, if a nut does the trick then a bolt will further secure the whole shimbob. Store Guy B: And, if we secure the whole shimbob with a bolt, then who knows where this doohickey can take us? Store Guy A: You’re right again. I wish I had your brains. Store Guy B: You got the looks. Store Guy A: I certainly have. BOTH: What a great team. (Just then a harried LADY, 40, rushes in and up to the counter) Lady: I’m here to pickup a toaster. Store Guy A: You’ve come to the right place. There’s a whole rack of them over there with the wonderful breakfast appliances? Store Guy B: Most important meal of the day. Store Guy A: Pick it up, put it down, move it to the left but don’t drop it. Store Guy B: Select the one you like and step on up to the counter. Lady: You don’t understand, I already have a toaster. Store Guy A: You’re getting a little ahead of yourself aren’t you? Store Guy B: First you have to select one, Mam. Lady: No, I mean you have my toaster. Store Guy A: Of course we do. Go take a look. There’s a whole rack of them over there with the wonderful breakfast appliances? Store Guy B: Most important meal of the day. Store Guy A: Plug it in, turn it on, turn it up, but don’t break it. Lady: No, I mean you have my toaster and it’s already fixed. Store Guy A: Of course it’s fixed or it wouldn’t be over there. (To Store Guy B) I don’t believe she hears very well. Store Guy B: She may have an inner ear infection. Store Guy A: Yes, she is rather leaning to the left. (The Lady moves to breakfast appliance rack) Lady: I’m not talking about these. My toaster is fixed and I already own it. Store Guy A: Then what in heavens are you doing here? Store Guy B: Yes, what in the world does that have to do with us? Lady: I gave it to you last week and I’ve come to pick it up. Store Guy A: Why would you give us an already fixed toaster? Store Guy B: We don’t unfix already fixed appliances. We fix appliances that had been previously unfixed or... Lady: Broke. Store Guy A: We prefer to use the term “non-operating”. Store Guy B: Our job is to re-operate or fix it. Store Guy A: And a damn good job we do. Store Guy B: Why, thank you. Store Guy A: No, thank you. (They shake hands, backslap and congratulate each other) BOTH A & B: What a great team. Lady: And did you? Store Guy A: Did we what? Lady: Re-operate, fix my toaster. Store Guy B: We will when you give it to us. Lady: I told you. I gave it to you. Store Guy A: Yes, you did tell us that. Store Guy B: Have you a receipt? Lady: You didn’t give me one. Store Guy A: That doesn’t sound like me although it does sound like him. Lady: (Looking at Store Guy B) He didn’t give me one. I asked you and you implied that I didn’t need a receipt for this particular brand because you said it is so obscure. Store Guy B: Yes, I may have said “obscure”, I say “obscure” a lot. “Obscure” is one of my favorite words. I don’t necessarily mean anything by it I just like to say it. It’s a good word and it has a nice ring to it. Store Guy A: I just love the way it hangs out there. Store Guy B: Obscure, obscure, obscure, obscure, obscure. Yes, that’s me allright. I’m an obscure kind of a guy. Store Guy A: He is an “obscure” kind of a guy. Me, on the other-hand am rather fond of the word “peculiar”. It’s sort of like obscure but not really, and although they are sometimes used in conjunction with each other they do have their own unique qualities in context. Store Guy B: Well said, well said. Store Guy A: Why, thank you. Lady: Will you just go and check your records? Store Guy A: Check our records for what? Store Guy B: We don’t record items that are not yet here. Store Guy A: It would simply be a waste of time. Store Guy B: Why don’t you check your bag, Mam. (so small of bag) Store Guy A: Perhaps you left it in the car. Lady: It is not in my bag and I do not drive. Am I speaking a foreign language here? Store Guy A: I don’t believe you are Mam. Store Guy B: But go right ahead if it’ll make you feel better. Store Guy A Inner ear nothing. I believe she’s been drinking. Store Guy B It’s a good thing she doesn’t drive. Lady: Excuse me... (They quickly move to get out of her way as if she is trying to get by them, not realizing she only wants their attention. She remains pat where she is) Store Guy B: Of course. Store Guy A: Why, certainly Mam. Lady: I have not been drinking. Store Guy A: Um hmmmn. Well then, perhaps you left it at another establishment... Lady: That is ridiculous. Store Guy B: Over at the corner bar... Store Guy A: ...but I don’t know why that you would... Lady: I can’t believe this. Store Guy B:...or some all night deli... Store Guy A: ...since we are the only Fix-It Shop. Lady: Listen, listen. BOTH A & B: (They both cup their ears as if to hear something in the distance) Yes... Lady: I want you to give me that toaster, now. Store Guy A: So, that’s what this is all about. Store Guy B: The oldest trick in the book. Store Guy A: We’re all too familiar with people like you. Store Guy B: We give you a toaster and you sell it for booze. Store Guy A: It’s not going to work. Store Guy B: We’ll not be used to further your delinquency. Store Guy A: We’re going to call for the police. (They both cup their mouths and cry out “police”).