The Denial of Death

Last week I woke early Tuesday morning not knowing what the day would yield to me. Three weeks prior my Doc of 15 years looked me square and with significant concern on his face said, “I need you to see a neurological specialist for me.” Not that I was going to consult with the Neuro Doc for my Doc, but rather in his deep compassion and care for me he was trying to tell me this was important. I said, “Dr. Wu, you and I have always been able to speak candidly to one another. What is it that is your concern?” He looked at me and then at Jacqueline and asked, “are you sure you want to know?” Jacqueline looked at me and then said, “yes.” With that Dr. Wu said, “I am afraid you have many symptoms of ALS.” Three little letters, but a tremendous potential implication in them. Jacqueline and I decided right there that we did not want to borrow trouble from tomorrow and we would wait to share with those closest to us until we had a definitive picture. We felt sharing those three letters with those that love us would be an unnecessary burden. These are situations that tend to be harder on those that love you rather than the person who is walking it out. I woke up Tuesday morning feeling like I was starring down the end of the barrel of a 44 magnum, head high. After an hour 20 minutes my neurologist stated assertively, “I can take off the table ALS, MS, and Parkinson’s.” The relief was immense and my gratitude to the Lord was off the charts. But by the time I hit the parking garage I was feeling awkward, guilt. My Father my friend Bill was told he had 2 brain tumors, my friend Sue Ann- lymphoma and I am extended your mercy. Why? My heart and soul nephew Shane had called that week to share with me the incredible story of his friend Adam and his bride who ran into trouble in their pregnancy. The placenta was detaching, the amniotic sack emptying. This is an extremely dire circumstance for the little cherub yet unborn. Shane encouraged Adam to go to their church’s prayer ministry. Adam did and the following week’s check up revealed that the placenta had re-attached and the amniotic sack was filling back up. This is nothing short of the hand of God in His mercy undoing what nature had done. The next week with hearts full of joy and praise to our Lord they returned to the Doc only to hear those most unthinkable words, “your baby has died.” What kind of craziness is this God, are you taunting me, playing with me as a cat would a mouse before he finally decides to kill it and eat it? Adam and his bride sat in a surrealistic numb quandary as the protosin drips in her veins which would eventually induce the birthing of their then lifeless treasured child. 5:30am to 1:30 am, many hours latter they entered their rig to return home, alone. Over the weekend my brother George shared with me that one of his protoshe, a great friend of 25 years, the brother that he had groomed to take over as national director of church planting for the Evangelical Free church had died that day in a house fire. George lost his wife to pancreatic cancer 14 years ago. He lost his best friend after a fishing trip when Ed decided he was alert enough to continue to drive home. My brother is more than acquainted with his share of deep grief. And keep in mind this is a very good man who his whole life has served the Lord and the kingdom and has done so in a self- sacrificing manner. Ok, he is not perfect he sent me a shotgun VIA USPS and when it came the Chinese man delivering was not happy with the barrel sticking out of the Christmas wrapped package! Ernest Becker in his epic book, The Denial Of Death, writes, “Nature is a brutal bitch, red in tooth and claw that destroys what she creates.” For believers and unbelievers alike we run from that reality. The unbeliever paints the world more like a Disney story; the believer loves to quote “all things work together for the good for those that love God and are called according to His promises.” Really what drives both groups here is an unrealistic expectation that I can escape Adam’s ugly brutal curse. Maybe if I stay at Disneyland long enough when I come out Donald will be having tea with Hillary laughing from the guts with the joy of that experience. For the believer we read Paul’s words and totally miss the point. We often think ugly circumstances have hit me, but God loves me and I love Him so He has something even better for me down the road. Guess what my brother, our God is not really all that big on circumstances. Bringing better circumstances does nothing to strengthen my character or my relationship with Jesus. In fact it erodes both character and relationship. When God “fixes” my circumstances for me it creates less belief in my ability to handle life, expands my anxiety, insecurity and fears about life. My impotency and incompentcy expand. I become more dependent on God in an unhealthy manner because I become demanding that God does something different than what I am experiencing. Can you picture a finite being, me, demanding of the infinite Trinity that they justify themselves to me for why they did or did not do what I perceived I needed? Our gracious Father will not expand our neurotic entitlement. John chapter 5 is so rich. The religious leadership was seeking to kill Jesus, v. 18. Why? Because he was healing on the Sabbath and calling God his Father. Jesus then goes on to paint these pictures of beautiful interdependence with the Father. In verse 39 Jesus taunts with, “why do you search sacred scriptures as if there is life in there. There is no life in there, there is only life in me.” Here is Jesus in essence saying to the Jews, “you have eaten liberally from the tree of knowledge of right and wrong. You have done an amazing job getting your ducks in a row, truly this is really impressive. However, like with Nicodemus, eating from that tree still kills. Here standing in their midst with shrouded minds, eyes opaque, the Master woos, but men turn to one another rather than to him. Are we any different? How often are we like Job’s friends trying to make sense out of tragedy and end up with dumb superstitious beliefs? How often have we poured well intended but extremely toxic sentiment on those we share life with by superstitiously saying something like “but God is good, he works all things together for good, it will be better in the next life, are you current on your devotions and prayer time?”... Never take advice from anyone that has not suffered deeply! Sacred truths out of context will have the same effect as lifting the lid on the Ark of the Covenant. C.S. Lewis was an atheist most of his life because he could not resolve if God is good and all powerful then how come there is so much ugly that goes on. One day he paused to reflect on the fact that his basic premise may well be faulty. That perhaps life is not totally knowable on a finite realm. What if many of these things only pencil out in the infinite dimension? Can we really read Ps. 23 and not think if a dad leads his kids into a valley of death, won’t CPS be called? Or he takes me into an ISIS training camp and gives me a red Trump hat and says, “Hey sport, you are going to love the lamb here.” In these circumstances the psalmist is reflecting there simply is nothing in our finite realm that makes this work. Left to reasoning and thinking from the finite God is a monster, cold, toying, heartless, and sinister. You cannot sugar coat it any other way. “It pleased the Father to sacrifice His one and only Son.” Seriously! Here’s the deal, picture the shepherd in Psalm 23 as leading us right to the edge of the finite. The tension grows so great we think we will go mad, but just beyond is the infinite and by the very definition it is bigger than we can imagine, bigger than we can grasp and the birth cannel is very narrow. You must cease, stop, give up and give over to the Master that before looked like a monster. It’s the monstrous image of Gestemane, of the brutality of the cross, of innocent dying young, of a mom loosing all her babies and her husband, of a marine who served our country well and the fire District faithfully and tirelessly, of one appointed in his prime to transition to national leadership, of one who served for many years a denomination and then several years into retirement is told, oh by the way we took 60% of your retirement account to keep our fund alive. Sorry. The obscenity of where we stand in these moments is we enter the infinite by being fucked into love. I’m not prone to use that word although I had a friend once do so in sermon, fortunately he is self-funded... It is that lucid moment when I realize I have nothing and I choose Jesus not because he is making my life work, but because in my gut resonates- “you are the living one and though you slay, yet I will bless you! He gives and he takes away, blessed be His name. There are few answers when life craps all over us. It is in these moments we need to draw near to one another and simply be. We offer our presence to another as the only worthy gift that can be offered. Let us never loose sight that the cup of suffering is sacred and is only extended to those that have been worthy. Journey on my brother with humility, compassion and love. Jeff