A Very Potter Sequel
1. Lucius Malfoy & the Death Eaters! – Not over yet LUCIUS: YAXLEY: You’re late. He can't be, he's dead!
YAXLEY: LUCIUS: Late? What’s it matter? Look at this Morning’s That never stopped our plans before Prophet. ”The Boy Who Lived does it again. You've no idea what I have in store! The Dark Lord dead for good”. I knew it, we You really think that you'd be at my door backed the wrong side. Again! if we had nothing to discuss? He may be gone, but that is just as well... LUCIUS: Calm yourself, Yaxley. So come inside, don't you fret for it's not over yet! YAXLEY: All us Death Eaters are going to Azkaban now! DEATH EATERS: No, no, no, no! Evil plans! We are making evil plans! LUCIUS: Evil deeds with evil hands! Do you have what I sent you for or not? We love making evil plans!
YAXLEY: DEATH EATER 1: Yeah, I got it. I had to break into the Ministry Lucius Malfoy, why have you called us here? for it, but I got it. Wah.
LUCIUS: DEATH EATER 2: Excellent. What do we do Lucius?
YAXLEY: DEATH EATER 3: And you should see the Ministry. The Dark There's nothing to do, the Dark Lord is dead! Lord not dead more than a day, and they’ve Harry Potter wins, end of story. already got the Wizard Cops out after us. LUCIUS: LUCIUS: Yes I know, I know. He marries Ginny, they live Damn those Wizard Cops. Well, none of that happily ever after. There is literally no way to matters anymore, as long as we have this. move forward from this point.
YAXLEY: YAXLEY: Who do you think you are? We don’t stand a Then why are we all here? chance against the Wizard Cops! Not even you, Lucius Malfoy! LUCIUS: I was just getting to that. HARRY POTTER! LUCIUS: We're in this sorry state because of him. And Don't ever tell me what I can't do to think of all the chances we had to destroy I'd watch my tongue if I were you him. Why, if we had destroyed him at his first for all we know, You-Know-Who year at Hogwarts, we'd be ruling the world could be watching us right now. DEATH EATER 1: DEATH EATER 3: Yes, Lucius. No one is arguing that, wah! Still not understanding...
DEATH EATER 2: LUCIUS: What does it matter? We can't change the With Potter gone, the future will be set! past. DEATH EATERS: LUCIUS: Aaahhhhhh! Oh? I know it seems impossible, LUCIUS: we've been thrown off our track. So it's not over yet! But if we can't move forward, why shouldn't we move back? DEATH EATERS: Evil plans! Friends and companions of evil and sin: What a brilliant evil plan! Think not of loss, but a new way to win. Malfoy, you're an evil man! For what is present without a beginning We love making evil plans! to start it all? LUCIUS: YAXLEY: So it is decided. We shall use this time turner Go on... to go back in time to Harry Potter’s first year at Hogwarts. We’ll destroy him before he ever LUCUIS: gets a chance to destroy us. My friends, I think There is a boy that everyone knows; we’re going back! Who’s with me? The plan is simple: I propose that we choke cut the weed before it grows DEATH EATERS: up and ends it all Yeah!
Do you follow me? ALL: Our history is nothing more DEATH EATER 1: than what the losers settle for No. LUCIUS: LUCIUS: So look alive, and don't forget The Dark Lord that's it's not over Would have survived, had they never met... ALL: DEATH EATER 2: It's not over, W-w-w-wait. So you're saying that he No, it's not over yet! wouldn't be destroyed? (Maniacal Cackling) LUCIUS: He'd be alive, what don't you get?
2. Ron, Rita Skeeter, Harry & Platform 9 ¾ - Harry Freakin’ Potter SEAMUS: SEAMUS: Bloody hell, it’s Harry Potter! Seamus Finnagan’s the name, Mr. Potter. Gotta say meetin’ like this is a real treat – a ALL: real treat! YAY! HARRY: Nice – nice to meet you, Seamus. DEAN: this guy, Yo what up man, my name’s Dean Tomas. You "Voldemort" want some Bubblegum? was super cruel...
HARRY: HARRY: Yeah! I love Bubblegum. Voldemort?
NEVILLE: THE KIDS: Will you sign my Harry Potter poster, Mr. [GASP] SHHH!!! Potter? [CHORUS: Oooo...] HARRY: Um, sure. Who should I make it out to? RON: He tried to kill you and your parents, NEVILLE: and this is where it gets intensely cool... Neville Longbottom, sir. Even though you were a tiny little boy, HARRY: you shoulda died but you survived and then Um, okay, Schlongbottom. destroyed this evil guy and it's story we enjoy to tell.... CHO CHANG: Ni ha,o Harry Potter, my name is Cho Chang, RON & THE KIDS: ya’ll. You should stop by the Ravenclaw house You're Harry Freakin' Potter! sometime. We don't prefer Gandalf, Merlin, or Oz, HARRY: You're a whole lot hotter! Ron, what’s going on? Everyone’s treating me With that lighting scar, like I'm – like I’m famous or something. you're a superstar to us all! If we're in trouble we know who to call! RON: But Harry, YOU ARE! RITA SKEETER: Did somebody say Harry Potter? Rita Skeeter You're Harry Freakin' Potter! here for the Daily Prophet. Reporting to you You don't understand live, dear readers, from platform 9 and you're a legend, man, ¾.Where I just happened upon the original to us all! wiz-kid himself, Harry Potter, the lad who lived. Now let’s you and me get on the level, Every son and daughter-- HP. Where’ve ya been for ten years? Are you excited to go to Hogwarts? Are you frightened RON & THE KIDS: for your life? SAFE! HARRY: RON: Why would I be frightened for my life? ... From You-Know-Who, all because of you! RITA SKEETER: You were small, Well, ain’t you cock sure. Know this, dear but I wonder if you can recall... readers, HP the eleven-year-old titan shows no fear, even in the face of a murderous dog like [CHORUS: Oooo...] Sirius Black.
RON: HARRY: Long story short, Who’s Sirius Black? RITA SKEETER: HARRY: “Who’s Sirius Black?” You don’t know? He But this is all so sad, used to be your dad’s best friend until he I mean, my Mom and Dad betrayed him for the Dark Lord and got him were killed, long ago... killed. Yup, turns out he was a Death Eater. He killed 13 ducks before they caught him, and I THE KIDS: mean people. He hates your guts, wants ya Long ago they died! dead. He just escaped from Azkaban, but it’s no skin off your back kid. You know why? HARRY: ... I wanna be psyched, You're Harry Freakin' Potter! but being unliked I wouldn't wince at all, is all I know... you're invincible to all harm! KIDS: Like betty crocker— All he knows, that's why--
RITA & KIDS HARRY: oooh! I never thought I'd be a part of such a fate, an opportunity eleven years late... RITA: I guess it's time for me to step up to the plate ... I wanna eat you up! and show 'em that I'm something great! No one'll beat you up with that charm! I'm Harry Freakin' Potter! Remember, Harry, kid, I'll do what I can you're the Boss, if what you say I am is true! you're the King, you're the Bomb! I can't be bothered by my awful past, Keep your nose clean, kid. Don’t take any I've found at last wooden sickles. something I can do, so it's time I knew PERCY: exactly who I am... All aboard! I'm Harry Freakin' Potter! MOLLY WEASLEY: Goodbye, kids, I love you! Be safe! THE KIDS: You're Harry Freakin' Potter! HARRY: Ron, what’s going on? This is just so all – it’s HARRY & THE KIDS unreal! I'm/You're Harry Freakin' Potter--
RON: HARRY: No, it’s not! You’re Harry Potter! And I'm the Man! You’re the coolest goddamn kid in the entire world. THE KIDS: Everything is awesome for you Ahhhhhh So you better get used to it. HARRY & THE KIDS: HARRY FREAKIN' POTTER! 3. Harry, Ron, Lupin & the Gang – Hermione can’t draw HARRY: LUPIN: He guys, guys, guys. I got just a thing. Alright guys, guys (*shouting something*) Hermione can't draw, Remem-remember how Hermione can’t draw? She can’t draw! HARRY + THE GANG: Hermione can't draw, ALL: Hermione cannot draw. Hermione can’t draw Hermione can't draw, She only reads books, Hermione cannot draw. And she cannot draw, Even if she's reading LUPIN: A how to draw book. Hey, follow me!
LUPIN: ALL: Alright guys, alright, alright. She only reads books, I screwed up, Slytherin’s got the field. And she cannot draw, The hell is this? Even if she's reading Stop dan – stop dancing like that A how to draw book. Guys, stop. This song isn’t even that funny ALL: RON: Hermione can’t draw Oh yeah? Let’s hear you sing a song right now, Hermione can't draw, In front of everyone Hermione cannot draw.
LUPIN: She only reads books, I don’t have to sing for you. And she cannot draw, Even if she's reading HARRY (LUPIN): A how to draw book. Lupin can't sing, (Yes, I can’t) Hermione can’t draw Hermione can't draw, HARRY & GANG Hermione cannot draw. Lupin can't sing, (Yes, I can’t) SNAPE: Lupin cannot sing... Granger, don’t you have somewhere else to (Yes, I can’t sing) be? He only read books And he cannot sing ALL: (I’m Remus Freakin’ She only reads books, Even if he’s ready a how to sing book And she cannot draw, Even if she's reading A how to draw book.
4. Dumbledore & Umbridge – Gettin’ Along DUMBLEDORE: I'm sure I bet that you’ve got all the girls you're the one who gets to beg you for their wedding rings. all of the boys to buy you things. DUMBLEDORE: UMBRIDGE: What?! DUMBLEDORE: I like your twisted humor! Felt how? UMBRIDGE: UMBRIDGE: Um, intimidated... I like your mystic rumors! You have such prominence and poise. DUMBLEDORE & UMBRIDGE: I'd say we can assume we're DUMBLEDORE: gonna get along! Oh, that ol' thing
UMBRIDGE: Baby, it's just me, Dumbledore. You're not like average Joes, So just try to relax, or Jims or Tims or Johns. face the facts: You feel just like one of the boys! DUMBLEDORE: And I'd wager UMBRIDGE: that you'd never run from danger One of the boys? I do?! with those muscles made of bronze! DUMBLEDORE: I can safely shout Oh, you sure do baby! without a doubt that it won't take very long... UMBRIDGE: Yes sir, DUMBLEDORE & UMBRIDGE: you're the one professor ... Before we're getting-- that'd I'd want detention from! --and not regretting-- ever setting on gettin' along! DUMBLEDORE: Umbridge- DUMBLEDORE: you're the handsome wizard Oh, right this way, Umbridge. that'd I'd want an extension from!
UMBRIDGE: UMBRIDGE: Oh my! And you’d get it too!
DUMBLEDORE: DUMBLEDORE: You are a beautiful sample! I'll get the door! For example, my gosh-- you're so strong! UMBRIDGE: Oh, you'll get much more! What's the matter with me? DUMBLEDORE & UMBRIDGE: UMBRIDGE: Either way we can't go wrong... Now you're just flattering me! With how shamelessly DUMBLEDORE & UMBRIDGE: and how famously Oh, how we're both just gettin' along! we're both just gettin' along...
UMBRIDGE: We'll be get, get, gettin', I've never felt this way before... get, get, gettin', gettin' along! 5. Lucius Malfoy & Snape – Guys like Potter LUCIUS: So many assholes in my face! There are so many douchebags in the world. Why can't they leave me alone--- Yes, so many douchebags get the girls To love princesses, maids, and queens? who deserve more than absolutely anything They wouldn't ever be in between... that any charm or potion could ever bring. But men like that, they have her on a string, LUCIUS & SNAPE: and they don't care, We'd treat them nice, and never be mean. And we would care... For there will always be guys like Potter. To realize tears in your eyes because he got But there will always be guys like Potter. her. Who'll quench the flame She'll never ever know like it's a game with drops of water how much you'd have brought her... He'll never ever think her perfect as you/I thought her... If you'd only done something more for the one, LUCIUS: back when you were young...... But now you're alone, left to pout and moan, SNAPE: 'cause you were totally pwnd. So many assholes in this place.