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CONTENTS

FOREWORD 2

“WHERE WERE THE PARENTS?” 3

IMPEDIMENTS TO COMMUNICATION BETWEEN SCHOOLS AND FAMILIES 6

THE ADDICTED CHILD… FROM A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE 7

ANONYMITY OR NOT? 9

ENABLING VS. HELPING 10

DELUSION 13

FEAR 15

GUILT 19

HOPE 21

THE PURSUIT OF MONEY 24

“RECOVERY” FROM ADDICTION 25

STEP 4 29

POST-TRAUMATIC ADDICTION SYNDROME 31

IN MEMORIAM 34

TRIBUTE TO THE LOST 35

REFLECTIONS ON MY SON’S ADDICTION

ESSAYS TO MYSELF THAT MADE THE JOURNEY EASIER TO UNDERSTAND AND GOOD DECISIONS EASIER TO MAKE

1 FOREWORD

I will never forget the shock, fear, grief and guilt that my wife and I felt the day we discovered our 14-year-old son had a drug problem. We were literally paralyzed by the circumstances into which we had suddenly been thrust. Nothing in our lives had prepared us for the journey we were about to take and no life experience from our past was of any help. This was new and dangerous territory about which we knew absolutely nothing…not surprising, since neither my wife nor I had ever even experimented with drugs. We were and are a typical middle class family; law abiding, tax-paying, hard-working, good citizens generally with very traditional moral and ethical values. Even though we knew generally that drugs had seriously invaded our culture, we mistakenly believed that it would never happen in our family. We thought it only happened in dysfunctional families….OTHER families.

Over the past ten years of this ordeal that we never expected to have to endure, we have become educated on the issue of substance abuse and addiction….not the typical institutional type educated but more “street smart” educated. Contributing to our learning experience were interactions with rehabilitation facilities, psychologists, parent support groups, other addicts (my son’s “friends”), literature, the internet and a host of other sources. As we progressed through the process of helping to facilitate our son’s recovery, I wrote a number of essays designed to clarify in my own mind the feelings, discoveries, milestones and conclusions I had reached as we continued to move forward. I am by no means an expert. I have no credentials. I am not a counselor, psychologist, clergyman or mentor. Nonetheless, many people have told me that my essays helped them along the way in their own journeys. It is because of that encouragement and a sincere desire to help other parents/relatives get through this adversity, that I have put this little book together.

I am happy to say that the efforts my wife and I made were worth it, as our son, now 24, has been drug-free for over three years, is a sophomore in college, and has at long last redirected his life in a positive way. God bless you and may you never lose hope.

John C November, 2007

2 “WHERE WERE THE PARENTS?”

A MESSAGE OF ENCOURAGEMENT TO THE FAMILIES OF THOSE AFFECTED BY SUBSTANCE ABUSE

It was just another Monday evening after a hard day at work. Dinner was over and it was time to take a look at today’s newspaper and spend a little quiet time in “decompression mode.” There were all the usual national headlines and stories, a piece on road construction and when we might get some relief from it, re-caps of yesterday’s sports events, the editorials, the comics and local news. It was the local news that caught my attention that evening.

Yet another 19-year-old had been brutally murdered in his car in one of the more dangerous local neighborhoods. Police who were investigating the scene reported that numerous traces of drugs and paraphernalia were found in the vehicle and speculated to the reporter that the murder had all the earmarks of a drug deal gone bad or possibly that the victim had defaulted on a drug debt. In looking into the victim’s background, speaking with former classmates and neighbors, the reporter learned that the victim did indeed have a drug problem and it had been manifest since the age of fourteen.

I remember saying to myself, “What a tragedy…..19 years old, and life is over for this poor soul. What pain must the victim have suffered during the 5-year period of his addiction and what pain must have been felt by the family.” I also remember saying to myself, “Thank God it wasn’t my son who died.”

After reading that jolting news and internalizing my reaction to it, I wrapped up my evening and went to bed and didn’t think much more about the story until a couple of days later, when in the “letters to the editor” section, there appeared a letter from a subscriber that was titled “Where Were The Parents?” The body of the letter took on an indignant but sincere tone as it expressed outrage and anger that the parents of this pitiful victim could have “let it happen,” the “it” being drug addiction. Although the letter’s primary question showed ignorance of the problem, it was a reasonable and understandable question to ask if the writer had never been confronted with the challenges of an addicted family member. As far as I know, no one ever responded to that rhetorical question. Here is the response I should have sent in to the paper:

“Where were the parents?” you ask. Let me tell you from personal experience where the parents were and how they “let it happen.”

They were both there in the delivery room that exciting day 19 years ago. Not only were the parents there, but also celebrating outside in the waiting room, were both sets of grandparents and a number of jubilant aunts, uncles and friends. The birth of that bouncing baby was heralded by the new parents as the high point of their lives as they rejoiced in the miracle that was that child.

3 Where were the parents? They were there when the baby needed food and shelter. They were there when the baby needed love, attention and care. They were prepared to sacrifice anything to assure that their child had the necessities of life and more.

They were there with camera in hand on the very first day of school. They were both sad and happy as they watched their little tyke ascend the steps of the school bus and wave from inside. They were also there at the end of that day to greet their rapidly growing child and share the excitement and wonder of this new stage of life. This same enthusiasm for supporting their child/student continued throughout elementary and middle school. They were there to help with homework, to give advice on “pressing” social issues, to condemn disrespectful, violent and profane music and videos. They were there to celebrate successes and to counsel and coach in areas where help was needed. They shared the “heartbreak” of the first failed romance and provided positive reinforcement for every productive accomplishment. They encouraged independent thought and the questioning of things “as they are” as opposed to how they “might be.” Further, they exposed their child to music lessons, basketball camp, and other extra- curricular activities to enable discovery of any hidden or obvious talent. And yes, they spoiled their child too…by buying the “right” brand of clothes, the latest video system, the “best” games, a cool stereo system, a portable CD player….the “necessities” of teenage life. Yes, the parents were there for all of that.

They were also there the day a little plastic bag with grains of marijuana in the bottom was discovered on the floor of their child’s room. There was an almost immediate denial of the obvious….this situation CAN’T be what it appears to be. Our child just wouldn’t do this. When the confrontation occurred, the child’s denial of any knowledge of how that bag got where it was found satisfied the parents because it confirmed their strong belief in their child. And then there was the next bag. And the bag after that. And then the pills. And then the alcohol. After each discovery, the truth became more ominous, the reality of the situation more undeniable and the resulting discipline more severe.

The parents were there that day in the high school guidance counselor’s office when the first discussion of poor attendance and declining grades occurred. They were there to double their efforts helping their child to turn things around, to make a commitment to improvement and to get assurance from their child that changes would be made. All of the normal discipline was intensified….withholding privileges, removal of video games from the house, denial of use of the stereo, no TV, and “grounding.”

The parents were also there at the school a few weeks later when it became clear that their efforts had been futile and that their child needed in-patient rehabilitation. The trip to the school that day to sign the withdrawal papers was as onerous and sad as attending a funeral, but it was necessary and critical to saving the child’s life. They expressed their contempt for the lifestyle their child had adopted but reinforced their love and hope as they traveled the 85 miles to the rehab facility…and traveled it again every weekend over the next four weeks for visits.

4 Those four weeks of “clean time” and counseling really seemed to make a difference. The child came home with a fresh outlook and a determination to “get better.” Faithful attendance in night classes at the local community college, a resulting high score on the GED test, and the awarding of a state-certified high school diploma all added to the sense of direction and accomplishment. Narcotics Anonymous meetings, a sponsor, a job and a purpose all seemed to be converging to bring closure to this horrible chapter in the parents’ and the child’s lives. Love, hope, encouragement, support and celebration were the order of the day as things started to return to “normal.”

The parents were also there when the relapses began. They were there to help their child attend weekly appointments with a psychologist. Although disappointed and yes, even discouraged, they were there with more support, love, and understanding, while never giving up or losing hope. In this stage of reinforcement of the principles that had been counseled in the rehabilitation center and by the psychologist, the clean time lasted nearly two years and it looked like the crisis might really be over this time.

They were also there that day, after two years of relative peace, when once again money was missing from their home along with the home theater, digital camera, and jewelry. They were also there that day to observe the needle tracks on their child’s arms from heroin usage after rescuing him from a “crack” house. It seemed like the end of life itself.

Where were the parents? They were there the entire time, doing what parents do. They went to work, went shopping, took an occasional vacation, even pursued some of their own interests, but through it all, they NEVER lost sight of their primary responsibility: raising their child to be a responsible citizen. They supervised their child’s development as attentively and competently as anyone could expect, and they did it ungrudgingly; in fact, enthusiastically. Nonetheless, the addiction occurred, the consequences were paid, and the struggle continued.

The next time you read about someone of any age who was involved in a drug-related episode, please don’t immediately assume that there were negligent parents responsible for the outcome. Our 22-year-old son, who recently graduated from the Teen Challenge one-year faith-based substance abuse recovery program, has given testimony in front of large crowds in churches all over the country, and to us directly, that it was NOT his parents’ fault…that the choices he made were his and his alone. Today, he is once again back on track, for which we are VERY thankful. But our vigilance in fulfilling our parental obligation is not over….it will be with us for as long as we live.

The typical parent of an addict looks and acts just like the typical parent of a child without this problem, with hopes, dreams and aspirations and a commitment to help their child achieve his or her full potential in life. The parents of addicts are our friends, our neighbors, members of our church, colleagues at work and regular folks with whom we interact every day. They are no different than any other parent….except for the challenge they courageously face every day and the tenacity with which they confront it.

5 IMPEDIMENTS TO COMMUNICATION BETWEEN SCHOOLS AND FAMILIES AFFECTED BY SUBSTANCE ABUSE

I believe there are probably as many impediments to good communication between schools and families affected by substance abuse as there are students who are actively using drugs. In my experience, though, over the past seven years, the top two impediments seem to be parental denial and the school's perceived role in child development.

Parental denial is as natural a reaction as any other defense mechanism and it is pervasive. With substance abuse at epidemic levels, it is affecting more "good" homes than ever before and parents who have instilled a traditional value system into their family life just can't believe that the problem has come to their home to roost. Usually, the denial ends only when the abuse reaches "crisis" level, and the affected person's health, performance, or social interaction is severely damaged. It also tends to end when the addict gets expelled from school or arrested.

The schools, likewise, are in conflict between their perceived role as educators and their moral obligation to recognize and confront symptoms of drug use. There is generally no reward for teachers, counselors or school districts that become active in ferreting out drug users and informing the parents of their suspicions; on the contrary, parental reaction is often angry, hostile and litigious. With school violence on the rise (often due to drug use), the "zero tolerance" policy which now prevails throughout the country also interferes with good communications.

How do we deal with these impediments? I think some of the answers are: keeping the epidemic in the forefront of media coverage; giving our schools more confidence in the outcome if they try to help identify kids in trouble; actively supporting groups like this one; and most importantly, helping parents understand that this affliction can and does affect ANY family, regardless of the social, economic or religious environment in which the children are raised.

6 THE ADDICTED CHILD.... FROM A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE

Even if you haven’t read the book, I am sure you have heard the title: Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. The general theme of this well-known book is that innately, men have different perspectives than women on all of life’s issues. All of life’s issues include a family member’s addiction. This discussion is to help mothers, grandmothers, sisters, aunts, daughters and female friends of substance abusers to understand how this particular issue affects men, or at the least, this man.

First of all, no matter what the feminists would have us believe, there are, always have been and always will be fundamental differences between men and women. As men, we have instinctive views of almost any situation that sometimes put us in conflict with the women we love and cherish....which can make for many interesting, lengthy, and heated conversations that usually end in compromise by both! Following are my chronological perspectives on some of these instinctive male views and how they apply in a family drug addiction situation:

 AVOID THE PROBLEM: As men, our first reaction to the discovery of drug abuse in the family is no different than our female counterparts....we are in denial! Since we men tend to re-live our childhoods through our children, we like to hearken back to our own days in high school, college, the service, or our “pre-marriage” days in general and dismiss this issue as nothing more than “kids being kids!” We remember our illicit first cigarette, the first time we drank more than one beer at a single session and the first party where everyone got drunk. Then we dismiss the actions of our affected family member as nothing more than a prank or series of pranks. I mean, after all, we didn’t become addicted when we did this stuff..... Men tend to stay in the avoidance phase much longer than women, because we perceive ourselves as worldly and knowledgeable in these behaviors and we “know” that our loved one will “outgrow” this immature phase of getting high.

 SOLVE THE PROBLEM: Men view every challenge in life as little more than a problem that needs to be solved. Once we come to realize that avoiding the problem isn’t working, we typically think that the solution is simple and does not require a committee (read collaboration with our spouse, rehabilitation, psychological counseling) to arrive at the right answer and the proper course of action to take. Once past the avoidance or denial phase, we move into our problem solving mode and define the quickest, easiest, most painless, and yes, instinctive way to address it. Many men believe that a strong lecture followed by a severe punishment will end the problem and life can resume its normal course....usually within a couple of days!! When that solution proves to be futile, we assume that it just needs to be repeated more emphatically next time. After all, we couldn’t possibly be wrong about the scope of the problem and its simple solution....could we?

7  HIDE THE PROBLEM: OK, so we were wrong about the simple, non-collaborative, no-rehab, no counseling solution. We men still believe that it is something we can address without help, so we MUST keep this quiet until our plan “B” solution has a chance to work. We will not discuss the issue with immediate or extended family, friends, neighbors, colleagues at work, our clergyman or anyone else. This is embarrassing and no way are we willing to admit that there may have been a flaw in our family member’s upbringing, character or value system. This is a temporary setback in our minds and plan “B” will solve everything...... except there is no plan “B.”

 CREATE PLAN “B”: It is at this point that the man knows that help will be needed. He just cannot solve this one. Admitting defeat is humiliating for a man and seeking out the needed help is as unnatural to him as walking on his hands! It is at this point that he begins to at least partially listen to the female influence in his life...usually his wife. He acquiesces to seeking advice from professionals, but knows, or is at least sure, that the professional won’t know any more about what to do than he does (although he is hoping beyond hope that the professional WILL know). Plan “B,” as recommended by the professional, kicks in at this point and along with it, more open communication and compromise between man and woman than at any other time since the problem became manifest.

 JOIN THE TEAM: Now recognizing that this problem has no simple solution, that it will NOT be solved in one or two days, that normal discipline and lecturing is not effective and that collaboration is absolutely necessary and valuable, the man finally begins to see the light and teams up with the influential female in his life and begins the long process of actively participating in the recovery process. He now understands that it will require all of his manly strength, tenacity, courage and stamina, together with the more feminine traits he had previously resisted, such as expression of feelings, deep conversation, compromise, expressed love, support and compassion to see this issue through. He also understands that he is a member of a team comprised of his significant other, professionals, law enforcement, rehabilitation programs and God Himself. He has shed his instinctive views on the issue and has done what men have always done....adapted himself to the situation and moved forward, no matter how difficult or unnatural the journey ahead might be.

Yes, men really are from Mars, but once they land here on earth, they are pretty handy to have around! Men take their role as comforter, counselor, collaborator and soul-mate very seriously once they move into this mode.....it just doesn’t happen as fast or as naturally for men as it does for women.

8 ANONYMITY OR NOT?

I’ve been thinking about the issue of speaking openly with the press when interview opportunities arise. The big question is whether or not to allow the use of our names, as the perception of “stigma” associated with our family’s problem is of some concern. As a business professional in a very conservative environment, I clearly have a reputation and an image to maintain, consistent with the responsibilities of my job; so naturally, I have had to consider the impact of allowing our names to be used in a public forum.

I am convinced that the “stigma” on families affected by drug dependency and substance abuse is more self-imposed than societal. It wasn’t too many years ago that there was a “stigma” associated with bankruptcy; likewise divorce; likewise losing a job. Those days are over. So also is the “stigma” of having a family member affected by addiction. I believe the trend toward societal understanding, empathy, compassion, sympathy and support began when Betty Ford bravely and openly admitted her problem and set out to solve it way back in the 1970’s. Over 25 years have passed and our families, friends, business associates and church congregations have become significantly more tolerant as substance abuse has invaded more and more “regular” families. At work, I have shared many of our experiences with my boss, human resources, senior executives and members of our board of directors and have had total support and expressions of understanding on all fronts. I do not believe that we are stigmatized by any of this.

So, when the opportunity to lend credibility to our comments to the press is presented in the form of using our names, I say go ahead. If anyone reading the newspaper story is shocked, revulsed, or otherwise negatively affected to the point that he or she would think less of us, then it is the reader, not us, who has the problem.

Just my opinion……….

9 ENABLING vs. HELPING

The word “enable” has always had a positive connotation throughout my life. I remember learning as a child that donating to the March of Dimes could enable a crippled child to walk; paying taxes would enable the government to provide infrastructure and fund the defense of our country; a donation to the food bank would enable a hungry person to eat; working hard and being a good citizen would enable a fuller, more meaningful life. Yes, almost every enabling activity imaginable had been positive.....until addiction entered the picture.

As defined by the experts and by those of us who have lived through it, enabling is far from a positive behavior when applied to the life of an addict. In the examples above, the cause and effect relationship between action and outcome is positive and easy to understand. But in the addiction upside-down world of opposites, the line between “helping” the addict and “enabling” the addiction is difficult to ascertain and define. So to try to help understand the difference, let’s think about “helping” and “enabling” as they apply to substance abuse.

To me, “helping” the addict is consistently, 100% of the time, providing assistance to defeat the addiction and promote the process of recovery. By that, I mean every action is designed to end the conduct, habits, and patterns typically associated with addictive behaviors. Examples of helping, in some circumstances, would be providing resources for rehabilitation, either in-patient or out-patient; assisting in exploring employment, education or job training opportunities; providing advice for successfully fulfilling responsibilities; and providing limited resources (such as transportation, food, clothing and shelter) while the transition to recovery is underway.

“Enabling,” on the other hand, is consistently, 100% of the time, perpetuating the addiction as opposed to defeating it. This is where the line gets blurred, as “enabling” often disguises itself as “helping.” Examples of enabling, in most circumstances, would be mitigating the consequences of the addict’s actions; allowing (encouraging) slothful behavior such as sleeping all day, calling off from work, and ignoring assigned responsibilities; paying overdue bills for the addict; supplying substances while the addict is awaiting treatment; denying the obvious fact that the affliction is progressing, not regressing; and not exacting severe consequences for violation of agreed-upon rules.

In every action, the test that must be passed is: “Will this action help defeat the addiction and lead to recovery?” If the answer is yes, it is important to be able to answer the additional question, “How?” If you cannot define the “how,” it is very likely that you are about to enable rather than help even if you answered the question with a “yes” in good faith! If the answer is no, then it is very likely that “enabling” is what is being offered.

And now for the really hard part. Often, it is not the action itself that determines whether or not it is enabling....it is the circumstances surrounding the act. In the “helping” examples above, there are circumstances under which many of them could be perceived as “enabling;” likewise, in the enabling examples above, there are circumstances under which many could be considered “help.” But in every case, regardless of the action or circumstances, correctly answering the

10 questions, “Will this action help defeat the addiction and lead to recovery?” and “How?” will improve your chances of knowing the difference and acting accordingly.

The chart below demonstrates the impact that circumstances can have on actions that we are typically called upon to perform when dealing with an active addiction and the mental exercise we need to undertake in order to determine whether or not we are enabling the dependency or helping to defeat it.

ACTION CIRCUMSTANCE ENABLING/HELPING Provide Food & Shelter Minor, using or recovering Helping 21+ using Enabling 21+ recovering Helping

Locate and Fund Rehab Minor Helping 21+ with multiple “relapses” Enabling 21+ with decision to recover Helping

Provide Transportation Minor or 21+Meet Friends Enabling Minor or 21+Go to AA/NA Meeting Helping Minor or 21+ Go to Work/School Helping

Mitigate/Allow Consequences of Addict’s Behavior Warrant for Arrest -Pay Fine Enabling -Allow/Assist Arrest Helping Unpaid Debt to Drug Dealer -Pay Debt Enabling -Don’t Pay Debt Helping (although risky) Missing Valuables from Home -Prosecute Helping -Don’t Prosecute Enabling Fraudulent Use of Credit Cards -Prosecute Helping -Don’t Prosecute Enabling Jailed For Any Violation -Pay Bail Enabling -Hire Defense Attorney Enabling -Visit During Visiting Hours Helping

Pay Delinquent Bills During Rehabilitation Helping Due to Poor Budgeting Enabling Due to not working Enabling Due to apathy/depression/etc. Enabling To preserve insurance benefits Helping

11 To summarize, I have concluded that actions, in and of themselves, are neither helping nor enabling but become one or the other in the face of various circumstances. If we mentally ask ourselves the key questions as previously discussed, we will always know which course we are taking. Sometimes, even with the knowledge that we are enabling, we will do it anyway because the consequence to us of doing the opposite is too grievous for us to bear. Hopefully, though, armed with the knowledge of the difference, we will choose “helping” vs. “enabling” at every opportunity, as a life that is very important to us depends on it.

12 DELUSION

Delusion: n. 1. Being misled; deceived; 2. A false belief, specifically one that persists psychotically

This is a very tough definition of a word that applies to many of us who are struggling with family members’ active addictions, treatments, behaviors, and circumstances. It is even more insidious than “denial” because it literally substitutes fantasy for fact. At least with denial, we recognize the reality around us but choose to deny its application to our current circumstances. With delusion, we don’t even see the reality, let alone attempt to constructively deal with it.

When is the line crossed from denial to delusion? This is a very difficult question to answer, but let’s think about some scenarios and whether or not delusion has set in.

SCENARIO I

Your family member has been to numerous rehabilitation facilities, has had implants, methadone treatments, and psychological help from numerous sources. Several days of clean time pass, but the signs of active addiction return, including the loss of valuables and money from your home. You request input from your support group, health care professionals, and others but ignore all of their suggestions. Despite the fact that it has never worked in the past, you exact harsh consequences, but you agree to allow the family member to live in your home rent-free, accept their apology, and decide that everything is “ok” now.

SCENARIO II

Your family member’s addiction to heroin is well established. In providing rehabilitation for him/her, you have exhausted your insurance, savings and other assets, all to no avail. You discover a methadone treatment program that will have an opening in two weeks. Your addicted family member convinces you to purchase his daily fix for two weeks until he can get “treatment.” You agree to a daily trip to the drug dealer, pay the price, and convince yourself that everything will be fine once the “treatments” start.

SCENARIO III

Your family member’s addiction has been ongoing for more than a few years. Your whole life has been centered on “helping” your addict find a path to recovery, at the expense of your health, happiness and a life of your own. You have reached a point where it is obvious that your life will be destroyed unless the addict is forced to “make it on his own” and you have made the decision to evict him from your home. Even though he is making no effort to change either his or your circumstances, he begs you to reconsider. You agree to allow him to continue living in your home because he promised that things will be different from now on.

13 SCENARIO IV

Your recovering addict has found a job. Within days, he “calls off” choosing to sleep all day rather than going to work. The calling off habit becomes frequent, and within a few weeks he loses the job. He blames it on the boss who “just didn’t like me.” In this process, the commitments he had made to pay for car insurance, cell phone bill, food, clothing, maybe even rent, can’t be kept. Further, he procrastinates looking for a new job, choosing instead to lie on the sofa and watch your television all day. Since he is apparently not using drugs, you accept this set of circumstances believing that everything will eventually work out ok.

SCENARIO V

You receive a call from a close friend who reluctantly informs you that “rumors are” that your addicted family member is again actively using after a lengthy period of clean time. Not only do you not appreciate the “heads up,” but you become angry at your friend and say things that ruin a long-time friendship. You dismiss the call from your mind, make no attempt to confirm the story and do not confront your addicted family member.

Denial can be a useful coping tool from time to time; however, delusion, the escalation of denial, can never be useful. It can only aggravate an already bad situation and will, in the end, be very destructive to everyone involved in it. We must constantly remind ourselves that we cannot live our family member’s life; that we can only provide support, direction and love....even if it’s tough love. Recovery is, at the bottom line, an option that can only be chosen by the addict.

14 FEAR

Among all of the emotional upheavals that invade the lives of families affected by substance abuse and addiction, FEAR is probably the most common. In all of my interactions with other families who have been impacted by this curse, it is the one universal feeling that just won’t go away. In many cases, FEAR is overpowering, paralyzing normal activity, thought processes, health and life in general. FEAR is an automatic reaction to family member addiction and is as natural as any other reflex. It is very hard to control and seems infinite in its longevity.

In order to better understand FEAR and how to mitigate its influence on our lives, we need to define the difference between “good” fear and “bad” fear....or said another way, “rational” fear and “irrational” fear. “Good,” or “rational” fear is characterized by our ability to control, or at least partially control, its contributors, and is absolutely necessary for survival in this life. Fear is one of God’s greatest gifts for conditioning us to danger and equipping us to deal with it. We have all heard the fable of the child who was fearless around the hot stove until his hand was burned. The fear of pain created in the child by that experience was a great life lesson and probably prevented much worse injury throughout the rest of his life. “Bad,” or “irrational” fear is characterized by our total lack of any kind of control over the situation and though disguised as a real fear, it is not much more than “worry.” Dwelling on “bad” fears, also known as pathological worrying, is a path to perdition!

In our battle to achieve recovery from the woes of a family member’s addiction, there are “good” and “rational” fears that can warn of danger. They need not be paralyzing; on the contrary, they can be useful in helping us devise ways to reduce or eliminate the fear and allow us to move forward. These rational fears need to be responded to differently than “bad” or “irrational” fears. Let’s have a look at some representative examples of both, starting with “good” or “rational” fears and some positive and logical responses to them:

Facts that Evoke Appropriate Reaction (Good Fear)

 Fear of abuse and/or the premature death of our loved one: Every month, the news of violent assault and death at the hands of drug dealers or other addicts, either through murder or overdose, is enough proof of the legitimacy of this fear. A constructive and appropriate response can be to pro-actively do anything and everything we can to protect our loved one from harm. Sometimes, this will mean assisting in, or at the very least, not impeding our loved one’s arrest. They will be safer in confinement than on the street. It may also mean working with the addict to find an in-patient rehabilitation facility that will be safe, educational and the beginning of a process of recovery and the ultimate eradication of this threat. Once the recovery process is underway, it may mean providing “safe haven” in the family home for some period of time.

15  Fear of financial ruin: The high cost of rehabilitation, combined with the relative paucity of meaningful insurance coverage, together with the personal property and cash losses typically sustained by the family at the hands of the addicted family member, proves that this is clearly a rational fear. An appropriate response would be to safeguard all valuables, including cash, credit and debit cards, checkbooks, jewelry, electronics, car keys and all other items of value in the home during the period of active addiction. It also may be wise to steer the addicted family member into the “system” where much of the major expense of rehabilitation is covered by government programs. It is also advisable to consult with an attorney to investigate legal ways to protect assets.

 Fear that the family will be irrevocably destroyed: Clearly, the stress that addiction places on the entire family is intense and the potential for the destruction of the family is real. Siblings of an addict may feel alienated due to the attention being given to the addict; parents will feel the stress and may begin to turn on each other; finances may become strained; family life may become a constant turmoil with no end in sight; the temptation to end it by fleeing may become overwhelming for one spouse or the other, or perhaps, even both. One positive response to this fear is to seek support from appropriate resources such as a family support group, psychologist, clergyman, or professional counselor. Recognition of the symptoms of a deteriorating family and qualified support to deal with them can effectively address this fear.

 Fear that addiction will “spread” to other family members: As we have seen numerous times, the potential for substance abuse to claim other family members is real, happens frequently, and exponentially multiplies the misery of everyone involved. This fear can be mitigated by taking serious, formalized steps to embrace prevention through discussion, education, providing real-life examples of the dire consequences of substance abuse and being a good role model for the rest of the family. It can also be addressed by applying what we have learned about denial, enabling, co-dependency, treatment, and consequence when the first signs of “spreading” to others in the family appear on the horizon!

In every example above, it is clear that the fear is justified. It is also clear that families can mitigate these fears by recognizing them for what they are....nature’s way of alerting us to impending danger.... and equipping us with action plans to deal with them. When we analyze these fears and apply appropriate responses, they become less onerous and hence, less debilitating.

Now for a look at “bad” or “irrational” fears.

16 False Evidence that Appears Real (Bad Fear)

 Fear that our family’s reputation is or will be ruined by the circumstances of our loved one’s addiction: This is a perfectly understandable fear in light of the societal stigma typically ascribed to the situation. However, when we analyze this fear, to whom are we giving the power to destroy our reputations? The press? People we don’t know? Neighbors with whom we don’t interact? Society in general? Let’s face it....how we are perceived by others is usually a product of how well they know us. People who knew and loved us before the problem became manifest will know and love us while the problem is active, during the recovery process, and into the far distant future. We should never confuse the fear of ruined reputation with the equally unwarranted emotion of “shame.” If we were able to hold our heads high before the addiction occurred, then we can do the same after it is discovered. People who think less of us because of a family member’s addiction are the ones with the problem, not us.  Fear for our addicted family member’s future: This is a legitimate concern, but since the addict is the only one who controls it, and since it truly does not represent “danger,” succumbing to it, spending time and energy thinking about it, and suffering anxiety over it are all counter-productive to achieving our own recovery. The principle of “letting go” really applies with this fear!  Fear of our recovering addict’s potential for relapse: Here again, we cannot control this possibility, so allowing our own physical and mental health to be adversely impacted by focusing on it takes away from the energy we could be better exerting on positive responses to fears we do control. Some believe that relapse is actually an expected occurrence in the recovery process and others are terrified of it. Regardless of your position on the subject, it still qualifies as “not in our control.”  Fear of failure: This is one of the most paralyzing fears of all, not only as it relates to helping our addicted family member but in life generally. Failure is a very intimidating event, but fear of failure must be confronted. If we think we’re going to fail, we will fail. Success, however we define it, is far more likely to be achieved when we remove this fear from our consciousness and continue to try….always try…. regardless of setbacks encountered along the way. Our son went through outpatient rehab and it didn’t work. He went through psychological counseling and that didn’t work. He went to in- patient rehabilitation and that didn’t work. He tried self-therapy, applying intellectual rationale to his problem, staying sober to avoid consequences, and that didn’t work, as he relapsed after two years of clean time. And then he went to the 12-month Teen Challenge program, where his life was changed, his values were established and reinforced, and he experienced his first real success in defeating his addiction. That was almost three years ago now. If we had recoiled in fear of failure after his first outpatient experience, we would not be in the enviable position we enjoy today. His potential for recovery was enhanced by a belief that we and he could indeed succeed.

17 Fear, then, it seems, can be a helpful force of nature in some circumstances and a serious impediment to progress in others. As with any other emotion, we need to understand where it comes from, whether or not we have control over it by our actions and reactions, and how best to respond in order to move forward and achieve our ultimate goals. As our nation entered World War II, Franklin Roosevelt was quoted as saying, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” As our families confront the war against substance abuse, addiction and turmoil, I would modify President Roosevelt’s wise observation thusly: “The only thing we have to fear is not appropriately responding to our fears.” If we shrink from fears of circumstances that involve our ability to mitigate them, or dwell on fears of things over which we have no control, we are headed toward misery and sorrow; conversely, if we respond appropriately to fears of circumstances over which we have significant control and drive out our fears of the uncontrollable, we will be heading down the right road, rocky as it may be from time to time.

18 GUILT

For every unfortunate event that occurs in people’s lives, there is an instinctive human need to establish blame or fault, and to answer the question, “why?” Every year, trial lawyers make millions of dollars exploiting this human need. Whether it is marital discord, loss of job, automobile accident, illness, death, criminal activity or even lifestyle choices, we as a society look for ways to establish accountability and then seek ways to “right the wrong.” In many cases, blame is easy to establish. Often, in marital friction, one spouse or the other behaves in a way that the fault can easily be established; job loss is often the result of situations outside the control of the victim, such as a poor economy or corporate downsizing; automobile accidents are frequently the result of traffic violations by other drivers or weather conditions; illnesses and death can often be a product of medical malpractice, carelessness on someone’s part, or a crime committed by another; economic and societal circumstances are often blamed for criminal behavior and homelessness. In all of these examples, blame can be relatively easy to establish and the “why” question can be answered. But what happens when the blame and “why” for any of these tragic events cannot easily be assigned? How do we deal with our need to establish blame and answer the “why” question? Frequently, we blame ourselves and carry a heavy burden of guilt, reproaching ourselves from a mistaken belief that we have done something very wrong.

This willingness to assume personal guilt is particularly troubling when it visits the families of people suffering from substance abuse and addiction, especially parents. Because of some of the common parental behaviors that almost always accompany a family member’s addiction, such as denial and co-dependency, finding someone or something other than ourselves to blame is very difficult. We almost never blame the affected family member, despite the fact that the first decision to use an addictive substance was their decision and theirs alone. We’d like to blame the school or workplace, but deep down, we know that it really isn’t their fault. We’d like to blame “bad friends,” but we know that our affected family member is the “bad friend” that other parents would like to blame. We’d like to blame our high-pressure society for creating a competitive environment that incented our loved one to “drop out,” yet we see other people, often within the same family, who are thriving in this new world. And then there’s the influence of rap and heavy metal music; Hollywood; the War on Terror; bullying; economic circumstances; social circumstances; genetic tendencies; and on and on the list goes of possible reasons and guilty parties, with each one being invalidated almost as fast as it is conceived. So what’s left? We blame ourselves for our loved one’s addiction and suffer deep feelings of guilt and depression that seem to last endlessly.

In my experience with other families of substance abusers and addicts, I have found that parental feelings of guilt are almost always unwarranted. Does that mean they always did everything right? Of course not. Parental perfection just isn’t feasible no matter how attentive, educated, devoted or conscientious we may be. Parenting is like many other aspects of life….some do it better than others, but most people give it their best effort. Unfortunately, though, the curse of addiction can visit even the “best” families, with the strongest structures, greatest love for one another, most traditional value system, strongest rules and attending consequences for breaking them, and faith in God.

19 In my opinion, if parents of addicts were successful in most (not all) of the following parenting attributes, they should begin the process of cleansing guilt from their minds and transferring it to where it belongs: with the addict! Once the guilt is cleansed from the family psyche, the “why” will be less consuming and the energy previously spent dealing with the guilt and answering the “why” question can be more productively spent concentrating on recovery.

DID WE/I

 Demonstrate our faith in God and provide moral direction for choosing between right and wrong?  Set an example of good citizenship by obeying laws, participating in school and/or community activities, respecting the property of others, and living harmoniously with our neighbors?  Establish rules of conduct in our home, live by them ourselves, and enforce consequences for breaking them?  Assign responsibilities in the home and hold family members accountable for them?  Teach a strong work ethic and set the example?  Celebrate successes and counsel failures?  Take an interest in knowing friends, their values and influence?  Monitor activities and enforce curfews?  Create a loving and trusting environment in the home?  Encourage academic achievement?  Support extra-curricular activities through school or other organizations?  Take immediate and forceful action when the substance abuse problem first became known?  Make good faith efforts to avoid enabling and co-dependency?  Assist in locating and funding rehabilitation?  Celebrate achievements along the path to recovery?  Demonstrate strength, courage, tenacity and unqualified love even in the darkest days of the active addiction?

I suspect that the majority of families reading this essay could answer in the affirmative to most of these questions and many could answer affirmatively to all of them. If you are in either of these categories, I contend that your feelings of guilt are unfounded, misplaced and impeding your ability to assist in the recovery process. If you can accept the frailties and imperfections that characterize humans generally, then you can accept your own shortcomings and recognize that the addiction is NOT your fault, you are NOT guilty of negligence, and that the feelings of guilt are NOT helpful.

So how do we as families shed this terrible burden? I think the answer is to simply look at all of the life events that preceded the addiction and view them clinically, dispassionately and analytically. Once we can intellectually ascertain that the environment we created, the values we espoused, the example we set and the “life lessons” we taught were the right things to do, then we can more easily dispatch our emotional feelings of guilt. The joy of doing so will be in the relief that we feel, the new-found energy we can expend in helping in the recovery process (see essay “Helping vs. Enabling”) and in the emancipation of our spirit from the bondage of an unfounded depression. 20 HOPE

The Bridge To Hope, the name we have chosen for our family support group, says a lot more than those four monosyllables would imply. The key word, of course, is “hope.” The second most important word is “bridge.” Our “bridge” can be very helpful moving us from a dark place to one of light and resolve...or said another way, hope. But what exactly is “hope,” why do we need it, how do we acquire it, and how do we advance beyond it? And what does our “bridge” do to move us in the right direction?

In order to better understand exactly what hope is, and why we need it, let’s look at words that describe the opposite of hope. Some that come to mind are: despair, pessimism, discouragement, abandonment, desperation, condemnation, ruin, cynicism, emptiness, disaster, helplessness..... and on and on the list goes. None of the descriptions of the opposite of hope are appealing in any way, and they are especially unappealing if they last for any appreciable length of time. On the other hand, when applying synonyms for the word “hope,” such as confidence, expectation, trust, desire, anticipation, encouragement, cheer, reassurance, and courage, we can appreciate the positives of hope. When looking at “hope” vs. “hopelessness,” it becomes obvious that without hope in the face of adversity, the forces that can lead to our physical and mental destruction can be overwhelming and victorious over us if we are not vigilant against them.

So ok, we agree that having hope is a good thing. We can also agree that without it, we can languish forever in the murkiness of depression and victimhood. But when it is all said and done, “hope” is really just a feeling.....a feeling that what is wanted will happen. Very few positive things ever happen, though, just because we “feel” a certain way. Those feelings have to be backed by actions that support the feeling. For example, we can hope that our next vacation will be in Hawaii, in February, basking in 85 degree temperatures on a peaceful beach attached to a posh resort while our friends are all shivering in sub-zero weather. That hope can be a very joyous feeling as we imagine ourselves free of daily pressures and relaxing in an idyllic atmosphere. But for that vacation to actually become a reality, there are a few things we have to do to make it happen, such as save up some money, make airline and hotel reservations, arrange for a rental car, and so on. These steps all support our hope.....and without them, the hope for that great vacation will never materialize.

Likewise, as we all hope for the recovery of our addicted loved ones, there are steps we must take to make sure that our hope is not hollow and without merit. We all know what those steps are.....avoid enabling, end co-dependency, force the addict to face the consequences of his or her choices, move on with our own lives, help other families similarly situated, share experiences with others, support the rehabilitation process, celebrate achievements along the way, and press on....always forward....never backward. Those steps are most often much easier to know and say than to actually do....but absent most or all of these actions, hope doesn’t stand a chance of fulfillment. This is where our “bridge” comes in.

21 It is difficult to do the things that absolutely have to be done in order to achieve our hoped-for positive outcomes. These requirements are unintuitive, require discipline and stamina, strength and tenacity and they are hard to plan and execute; but they are made easier by the support and encouragement of others who have been forced to make the same sacrifices and exert the same energy toward the realization of their hopes. I contend that “hope” loves company and that misery does not have a monopoly on that principle! The genuine empathy of others, combined with the sharing of plans and events that have been successful, can be a constant reinforcement to the hopes of every member. Our support group also provides a social outlet that helps us overcome the feelings of loneliness, isolation and ostracism that often accompany a family member’s addiction. The group is also a “reality check” for its members, providing programs, speakers, leads, conversation, reinforcement and other stimuli to keep “hope” on track for success.

Hope, then, is in fact, a necessary ingredient in the realization of our true objective: the recovery of our loved one. The natural tendency of any family is to experience the opposite of hope, especially during the earliest phases of the problem. Bridging the abyss of despair, pessimism, discouragement, abandonment, desperation, condemnation, ruin, cynicism, emptiness, disaster, and helplessness to reach the shore of confidence, expectation, trust, desire, anticipation, encouragement, cheer, reassurance, and courage is a necessary and important process, because without that bridge and its resulting rescue from the abyss, we will be able to accomplish nothing, neither for ourselves nor for our loved one. The Bridge to Hope attempts to facilitate this transition week in, week out, year in, and year out. In the same way that a goal is a dream with a plan, HOPE is a wish with substance. Hope is not a destination.....the destination is our loved ones’ recovery, achieved by undertaking the difficult tasks and actions that keep hope alive!

22 This essay was written in May 2007 in response to our son’s questioning of why we seem to be “chasing dollars” instead of “living life.” It’s a legitimate question for someone in recovery to ask, as it is likely they really do not understand what it takes to establish independence.

23 THE PURSUIT OF MONEY

Sometimes, it seems that life is nothing more than work, eat, work, sleep, work, and then work some more. This constant pursuit of financial security can get tiring, and it can also interfere with “quality” time that could be spent pursuing less practical and more enjoyable activities. But making a living, supporting a family, fulfilling obligations, and providing for security are responsibilities that cannot be shirked. If you have never had to be a “provider,” I can see how it must look when you observe someone whose nearly every waking moment is consumed by meeting those challenges.

In order for you to appreciate what being a provider means, consider the expenses that we must cover in order to meet our needs today and to provide for our needs in the future:  Shelter: We have to pay for our house. Every month, we pay a bill for our mortgage, insurance on our house, and real estate taxes.  Utilities: Electricity, gas for our furnace, telephone service, water and sewer bills and garbage collection have to be paid every month in order for these services to continue.  Cars: Car payments are a fact of life for most people and must be paid every month in order to keep the car. To that, we have to add the cost of repairs, tires, inspections, gas, oil changes and insurance.  Food: This expense is a necessity of life and has a cost every day.  Clothes: Clothes wear out….become outgrown…become damaged…and have to be replaced/updated ongoing.  Home Maintenance: Providing for landscaping, painting, repairs, and furnishings, this cost is a necessary item in any family budget.  College Tuition: This cost is now up to $26,000 per year, or about $2,200 per month.  College Expenses: On average, it costs us $35-50.00 per week, or $200 per month, for your books, supplies, and miscellaneous expenses.  Medical/Dental Expenses: Your braces provided by the orthodontist were $3,500. Routine dental cleaning/check-ups cost another $1000.00 per year and doctor visits have a cost every time we go.  Emergencies: We have to be prepared to meet an emergency at any time; for example, our hot water heater wore out this year and its replacement cost over $1,300.00.

We take our “provider” responsibilities very seriously and fulfill them willingly. We do not believe that it is anyone else’s job to take care of our family. We do not seek out or try to benefit from government programs….we pay our own way. We know that we could work less and have less, and we respect people who choose this course, but our choice is to have a comfortable home, a pleasant living environment, freedom from hunger and poor health, and the convenience and independence that come from adequately providing for our own needs. The dedication to working for these choices should not be confused with greed, or the sheer pursuit of money. On the contrary, working for what we have is a character-building value, and should be respected and celebrated. Jesus said, “Come unto Me, all ye who are weak and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Our faith in Jesus does in fact give us rest from our burdens of making a living and pursuing our dreams. He has always shown us a way to provide and we thank Him every day for our blessings.

24 “RECOVERY” FROM ADDICTION

Recently, the question of how to define a recovery “model” for addiction was posed and it caused me to think about this issue from my perspective as the parent of an addict and a care giver. When one thinks of “recovery” generally, it simply means “a return to normal.” Granted, there is a wide range of behaviors and personality traits which can be characterized as “normal,” but clearly, substance abuse and its resulting addiction falls squarely into the “abnormal” category. So how do we model genuine recovery, a return to normal? How do we differentiate between “in treatment” and “in recovery?” And how can we assist in the recovery process without impeding it? I think that we have to analyze the components that constitute genuine recovery and separate them from behaviors that deceptively look like recovery but are not, both from the perspective of the addict and the family.

Over the past several years of my son’s addiction, I have concluded that there is really only one path to recovery: a change in the addict’s mindset. Typically, addicts are riddled with personal, psychological and/or genetic issues which lead them to their first usage, and once the chemicals begin their destructive work, the issues intensify. From my experience interacting with my son and from discussions with other addicts, the most common issues seem to be anger, fear, isolation, hatred, self-loathing, boredom, laziness, and hopelessness, not necessarily in that order. Why these people feel this way could be the subject of another essay, but most, if not all of these traits have been manifest in one way or another in every affected person with whom I have spoken. Whatever their life experiences or perceptions had been, they found relief and escape from them through substance abuse. My contention is that for as long as they perceive that life with chemicals is preferable to life without them, there will be no recovery, regardless of how much treatment they are afforded.

If the above premises are correct, then it follows that “recovery,” like the very first use of substances, needs to be a personal decision by the addict that is a product of the realization that life without chemicals would be preferable to life with chemicals. I contend that until this personal conviction and decision are made, there can be no real recovery. Typically, this decision will be reached when circumstances are so overwhelming and life is so unbearable that the chemical-free alternative becomes significantly more palatable and a worthwhile goal. Most “treatment” or “rehabilitation” programs which occur before the addict makes this personal decision typically will be an exercise in futility.

25 The big question, then, becomes “How do we hasten the addict’s decision to recover?” From my experience, here are a few of the cold, hard answers:  Address the issue of chemical dependency earlier rather than later. In this day and age, using “recreational” drugs is not a rite of passage or a harmless phase. The drugs on the market today are exponentially stronger than drugs were even as recently as ten years ago. Addiction can occur literally overnight. Because of this, there is no time for going into denial or hoping the problem will go away on its own.  Confront the abuse aggressively, laying out firm boundaries and rules, violations of which result in severe consequences which are rigidly (but not angrily) enforced.  Do not run interference against the consequences of this behavior. If there are warrants outstanding, do not pay the fines; if there is a drug debt, do not pay it; if there are valuables or money missing from your home, prosecute it; if there is unauthorized use of your checking account, debit card or credit card, report it and prosecute it.  After the age of majority, force the addict to “make his own way.” This means not providing food, clothing or shelter and forcing the addict to confront the consequences of his/her chemically-dependent lifestyle.

There is no question that this regimen of discipline, also known as “tough love,” carries significant risks, up to and including injury or death, but when the impact of the consequences becomes unbearable, the addict will typically ask care-givers (family) for help. Then, and only then, will treatment be effective. Rehabilitation facilities, though usually short in duration, can lay the groundwork in a few very important areas: creation of a temporary chemical-free environment, detoxification, psychological help and education. A two to four week stay (although inadequate) can build the foundation for the long road to recovery. Care-givers (family) can now effectively enter the picture and help in the process. The caveat here, though, is to be sure that the help doesn’t become a hindrance through such tempting behaviors as co- dependency and enabling. Once again, firm rules need to be established along with rigidly enforced consequences for breaking them.

How do we now differentiate between a genuine recovery that is underway and a “faux” recovery, with the deceptions and manipulations that are so much the hallmark of addiction? Again, we must define “recovery” (a return to normal), assess its components and overlay those components on the manipulative behaviors we have seen in the past. We should not confuse “in treatment” with “in recovery.” In a true recovery, there will be significant differences in a number of behaviors, among them:

26  Communication: A new “openness” should be present, absent lies and deception.  Initiative: The formation of short term objectives should be entering the picture, and with the passage of some period of time, longer term goals.  Social Contacts: Social skills should begin to reshape, with focus on people “outside” of the addiction community  Appearance: The “look” should be disappearing and some level of personal pride should be taking its place.  Interests: More mature approach to what constitutes “entertainment;” new tastes in music, TV, and movies; free time becomes more productively spent.  Relationships: New levels of trust should be a natural outcome of a true recovery; expressions of love and unselfishness become more frequent and sincere.  Responsibility: Assigned responsibilities are attended to without prompting and in time, doing more than is required becomes the norm both in and out of the home.  Accountability: Mistakes are admitted to (even confessed before they are discovered), consequences confronted and accepted, and apologies are rendered when appropriate.  Mood: A generally more well-rounded personality will begin to emerge, with fewer episodes of anger, depression or hostility.

Absent most of these changes, it is likely that true recovery is not underway and that the addiction is still active, even if it is more subdued and the addict is “in treatment.”

With this understanding of the definition of recovery, the belief that recovery begins with a personal decision to return to normal, and that a genuine recovery can be quite easily discerned from a fake recovery, my idea of a recovery model would look something like this:

Decision To Use Chemicals→Substance Abuse Begins→Abuse Is Confronted→ Confrontation Fails→Addiction Occurs→Treatment Begins→Treatment Fails→Consequences Are Felt→Consequences Become Intolerable→Decision To Recover→RECOVERY SUPPORT→ONGOING REINFORCEMENT

As a family, community or society, our ability to influence the addict’s likelihood of recovery success begins at RECOVERY SUPPORT in the above sequence, since the addict controls all of the steps which precede it (although family and community do influence the degree to which consequences are exacted and thus the timing of Decision To Recover). How do we provide RECOVERY SUPPORT and ONGOING REINFORCEMENT? There are probably as many ways as there are concerned families, care givers and addicts, but here are a few at a high level:

 Encourage the new openness in communication by actively encouraging conversation and by active listening  Help in the creation of short and long-term goals, when asked, by providing insights the addict may not innately possess  Encourage and embrace social re-introduction by welcoming his or her new friends  Compliment and encourage the “new” look  Help in the development of new interests through active participation in the process  Demonstrate increasingly higher levels of trust as it is earned and as time passes

27  Celebrate occasions when responsibilities have been accomplished at better than expected levels; likewise, counsel when accomplishments fall short of expectations  Enforce consequences for “setbacks.”  Provide counsel, advice and education on life issues; help in the development of progress toward self-discipline and control  Encourage the development of a spiritual side which will provide a moral compass, a natural inclination to do the “right” thing, and will enable an Empowerment not attainable from any other source

As for ONGOING REINFORCEMENT, community and society can become better educated on the epidemic of chemical dependence and recognize it for what it is: a malady that can attack any family, any time, any place, in any economic, religious or social circumstance and that help, not condemnation, is the long-term solution. Help comes in many forms and most of them are expensive, especially rehabilitation programs of a duration long enough to be effective in launching a successful recovery. Other elements of ONGOING REINFORCEMENT would include year- round life skills training, job training and placement, counseling centers and accessible higher education.

Translation: Make effective rehabilitation accessible for every addict who has made the decision to recover and provide the resources necessary for RECOVERY SUPPORT and ONGOING REINFORCEMENT. Families, communities and society generally would benefit in many ways.....through reduced crime and less need for prison expansion, a more productive and dependable work force, reversal of destructive family trends such as divorce and abuse, and less burden on citizens for the care of active addicts. If this goal could ever be achieved, it would indeed be a “model” for successful recovery.

28 STEP 4

A LETTER TO MY SON

My dear son,

As you work through the arduous exercise of Step 4, analyzing who and what you are, let me offer a few observations to help you figure out the differences between the “real” you and the images you project.

WHO ARE YOU?

First, let me say that you are the most important person in the lives of both of your parents. I know you frequently question why that is, but let it suffice to say that it is just human nature to love and protect one’s children. Some children make this phenomenon of nature easier than other children do. While you have tested this principle to the limit by actions such as lying, cheating, stealing from us, law-breaking, using drugs, and showing disrespect, none of these issues have caused your parents’ love or support to waiver in the slightest. We are committed to helping you and to supporting your endeavors for as long as we live.

Second, you are the most important person in your own life. In a world where so many other people desperately need help, a shoulder to cry on, and an ear to an open mind, it is sometimes (always?) hard to focus on your own life; but, focus you must and the sooner the better! Life is and can be more than mere survival...it can be full of challenge, accomplishment, pride, joy, comfort, and love...but only you can point yourself in those directions. Other people have already figured out that they are the most important people in their lives and most of them will have very little time or energy to spend on yours.

Third, you are the beneficiary of having grown up in an environment that has always set a good example of industriousness, responsibility, civility, honor and most importantly, love. You have been given a true gift; an insight into at least a few techniques that can lead to happiness and self-worth. Has your environment been perfect? Of course not, but the principles espoused by your parents and the way they were practiced in your home have given you a major advantage over other young adults who had no exposure to good role models.

Fourth, you are all of these and more: yourself, son, cousin, nephew, grandson, employee, neighbor, friend, counselor, writer, musician, artist, sponsor, member.....and all of these associations connote INclusion, not EXclusion. You are an important person in many roles, not on the outside looking in, but planted firmly inside with the ability to reach out and make a difference in everything you do.

29 Finally, you are a person in conflict. You are all grown up but still crave the freedom from responsibility that comes with being a child. You want to do the right things but seemingly have no idea how to go about doing them. You love your family but cannot find ways within yourself to express that love. You respect your parents, but your lack of self-discipline and short-fused temper cause you to appear disrespectful. You want to be independent and self-sufficient, but these goals are significantly impeded by major laziness.

WHAT ARE YOU?

In no particular order, here are my impressions of what you are:

Intelligent Lazy Capable Confused Conflicted Healthy Angry Depressed Unmotivated Undisciplined Irresponsible Artistic Unselfish Kind Polite Anti-social Dishonest Failure Emotional Crude Talented Unprincipled

As you work through your self-analysis, it might be a good idea to separate your positive qualities from your less positive qualities. Having done that, I think it would be useful to ask yourself the following questions and write out your own answers:

How can I capitalize on and expand this good quality so that my life will be more positive? OR

What can I do to overcome this deficiency in my personality so that my life will be more positive?

In order to effectively forge a new life plan with a positive direction, you will need to act on both the positive and negative aspects of your personality and behavior.

I hope this letter helps you get through Step 4. Remember, as I said in the first paragraph, these are my observations and impressions of you based on the images you project. They may be all wrong.....they may be all correct....or they may be somewhere in between.

I love you, son.

SPRING 2004

30 POST-TRAUMATIC ADDICTION SYNDROME

No, there’s really not a recognized syndrome by this name….but maybe there should be! Families of loved ones who struggle with a member’s addiction issues operate on adrenalin for months, and even years, as crisis after crisis is discovered, addressed, endured, and moved toward resolution. Every imaginable threatening circumstance is on the list of potentially devastating outcomes…from loss of life due to overdose, violence at the hands of drug dealers, criminal charges resulting in incarceration, financial loss and possible ruin, mental and physical exhaustion, fear, depression, dashed hopes, societal contempt and isolation….to name a few.

But what happens once the road begins to straighten out? What happens when the crises have passed, the outcomes are known, and genuine recovery is underway? How do we return to a normal life where the sight of a police car does not emote a feeling of dread, where a ringing phone is welcomed rather than feared, where we can actually lose something without fear that it has been stolen, where we can leave our keys on the table, our checkbooks and wallets on the dresser at night, and feel confident, secure and happy as we go about our daily lives? And how much time must pass without crisis before we really believe that life has returned to normal?

Drawing on my own life experiences, I have concluded that it is possible to be restored to normalcy after a number of years under great stress; however, “normalcy” needs to be redefined. Following my service with the Marine Corps, during which I spent a year in combat, I was able to transition back to civilian life quite quickly with very few symptoms of post-traumatic stress…..but my life had been forever conditioned to the “fight or flight” fears that had been so deeply imbedded in me from that year of constant danger and trauma. “Normal” for me when I came back home meant that a loud noise would only terrify me for a few seconds; life and the pursuit of happiness took on a whole new meaning; I appreciated my freedom and the security of our civilization at a whole new level; I learned to appreciate and celebrate every day of my life with optimism and appreciation. I was one of the lucky ones. “Normal,” though, had changed. My new “normal” didn’t look much like my pre-combat “normal,” nor has it ever looked like that in the 40+ years that have passed since that trauma so deeply impacted me.

Likewise, I am convinced that a return to normal is possible for the families of loved ones who have struggled with addiction. As with my pre-combat vs. post-combat experience, though, “normal” will never again look like it did before the addiction and its associated stress entered the picture. Our senses will have been sharpened and our knowledge of the issue will have deepened. The addiction and all of its associated trauma will always be in our minds, but not necessarily “top of mind,” once a genuine recovery is working its magic. Time is the most influential element in our return to “normal” and it is also the most difficult to quantify.

31 How much time without trauma must pass before we are comfortable allowing other life issues to dominate our thoughts and actions? How long must we wait before real FUN enters our lives again? When will it be ok to go into a deep and relaxing sleep at night, feeling confident that no horror will occur and that our slumber won’t be interrupted? How long before a routine telephone call from our affected family member elicits joy instead of concern? At what point do we transition from receiving support from other affected families to providing support?

These are all very difficult questions to answer except to say that it is different for everyone. In our family’s case, the absence of crisis is about to enter its fourth year, our son’s recovery appears to be genuine, and we have indeed returned to a more normalized life. Did it happen after two years? Or one year? I’m not sure when we hit the pivot point, but I do know that we are happier now than at any time in the past ten years. We have successfully “returned to normal” with its new definition. We survived.

With that said, though, here are some of the differences in our “new normal” from the life we had before addiction entered the picture:

 We still react with a nanosecond of panic when the telephone rings.  We feel a very brief moment of apprehension when we see a police vehicle on patrol in our neighborhood.  We occasionally doubt our son’s word, even when he’s telling us the absolute truth.  We do occasionally wallow in the fear that “this is too good to be true….when will the other shoe drop?”  We overlay our son’s name on the names of the characters in drug-related news stories and shudder to think that it could be us who are dealing with whatever tragedy has been described.  We consider Bridge To Hope family support group to be an important part of our lives and feel compelled to help others find hope, encouragement and ultimate success in the recovery process while we continue to receive benefits for ourselves.  We acknowledge that our son’s addiction could re-appear at any moment, which never allows us to totally drop our guard.

So how did our family get to this point—this point of normalcy? Time passed, recovery started, crises ended and peace and tranquility were restored to our family. Underlying this progression of events was a resolute faith in God and His plan for our lives, inspiration and shared experiences through the Bridge To Hope family support group, an unrelenting positive attitude, tenacity, cessation of enabling, an effective rehabilitation program (Teen Challenge), and an unconditional love for our son that never wavered. Ten years ago, recovery (a return to “normal”) was the goal and today it has been achieved. The journey was arduous and at times seemed impossible to navigate, but the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel was visible all the way. Today, having emerged from that tunnel into bright sunshine, the flickering light that was so hard to see a decade ago has blossomed into an awesome landscape of possibilities, opportunities and happiness.

32 I believe that the old saying, “Time heals all wounds,” is true for the most part. What we must remember, though, is that even healed wounds leave scars. The same is true with our return to normal….the burden will be lifted, joy will return, life will go on…but the scars of our trauma and the determination with which we confronted it will be with us forever. It would be naïve for us to believe otherwise and it would be unrealistic to expect “the perfect life” after what we have been through. The good news, though, is that it really is possible for us to recover from this stress and to lead happy, productive, fulfilling and “normal” lives once again!

33 IN MEMORIAM (Upon the overdose death of an addict we loved)

You will remain anonymous in this tribute, but ONLY in this tribute. Your family, friends, customers, and fellow addicts know who you were and will never forget you. I am sure you had no idea how many people loved you, cared about you, were concerned about you and are now missing you. Love is so intangible while we are alive. It surrounds us like sunshine on a bright summer day, yet sometimes we don’t see or appreciate it….until it’s too late. I went to your viewing last night, and was stunned at the number of people who were there to celebrate your short life and to express their grief at your passing. The intangible love that surrounded you when you were alive became poignantly tangible last night. You would have been surprised by this outpouring of emotion and most likely would have felt that it was undeserved. But it wasn’t.

I remember you as a sincere young person who really wanted to recover from your addiction. You were proud of your involvement with Narcotics Anonymous and were sponsor to a number of addicts who were just starting to “get” recovery and all that recovery means. You demonstrated entrepreneurial spirit by establishing your own business and responsibly fulfilling your commitments to your customers. You even helped some of your fellow addicts with employment when they were down and out and desperately needed a helping hand. You had a sense of humor and an outgoing personality and both of these traits endeared you to all with whom you came in contact. You had your ups and downs in life, including some tough times financially; with relationships; and with relapses. Yet, you touched other peoples’ lives in a very deep and personal way. We loved you unconditionally, even when you disappointed us. And now we love your memory.

Every person in God’s creation has value in His eyes and in the hearts of family and friends. We all wish that we could have done something to help you at the time you so obviously needed it. We grieve at your passing and re-dedicate ourselves to helping others in similar circumstances. Your life was not in vain…it will be an inspiration to many of us to work even more diligently in the fight against the drug epidemic in our community, state and nation. We loved you and you will be missed.

34 TRIBUTE TO THE LOST (In memory of those addicts whose premature deaths have saddened all of us)

To our children who fell victim to the allure of escape from reality through the use of substances, we are truly sorry. We’re sorry that you inherited a world from which you believed an escape was needed. We’re sorry that we couldn’t get you more help at the height of your desperation. We regret that society cast you out when you so clearly needed to be embraced. We deplore the stereotype that has permeated public opinion....that you were not worth saving. We are all God’s children and you had value in His eyes and in the hearts of your families and friends.

We will honor your memory in this service and for as long as we live. Perhaps the tragedy that so devastated your lives, and the lives of your families, will serve as a beacon to a country that needs enlightenment and a call to action. Your passing will not have been in vain if others are saved by virtue of the attention you have brought to this devastating national epidemic.

Tonight, we light a candle for you.

6/8/2006—Candlelight Vigil

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