WELD VI Leadership Book Review

R. Mealor 2011

Title: Crucial Conversations (updated second edition) Author: Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler Year Published: 2002 Reviewer: Rachel Mealor, University of Wyoming Date of Review: September 2011

Authors Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler begin the book by offering ideas as to what crucial conversations are and how these day-to-day conversations impact our lives. They define crucial conversations as a discussion between two or more people where there are opposing opinions, strong emotions, and high stakes. The authors explain that despite the importance of crucial conversations, we usually avoid them because “…we fear we will make matters worse” (p. 3). They propose that with the correct knowledge and tools, one can learn how to effectively engage in tough conversations regarding almost any topic. The authors offer a simple yet complete set of skills and dialogue principles to guide readers in successfully navigating through crucial conversations. They provide seven dialogue principles that can assist in handling crucial conversations in a productive manner. The seven principles are: 1) Start with heart; stay focused on what you really want out of the conversation and remember you can only directly control yourself. Avoid the “fools choice” by thinking that you must choose between peace and honesty or winning and losing, search for the and. 2) Learn to look; being aware of when you are under stress or when there are safety problems within the conversation. 3) Make it safe; apologize if necessary, contrast to fix misunderstandings, and strive for mutual purpose. When others move to silence or violence, step out of the conversation and “Make It Safe” and when safety is restored, go back to the issue at hand and continue dialogue. 4) Master my stories; separate the facts from your story and retrace the path to action. Start by noticing your own behavior and the stories you may have created and return to the facts by distinguishing between hard facts and your invented story. 5) STATE my path; an acronym to help you remember to share your facts, tell your story, ask for others’ paths, talk tentatively, and encourage testing. 6) Explore others’ paths; be open to others’ views by maintaining an attitude of curiosity and patience. 7) Move to action; decide how the decision will be made and document decisions and follow up actions. I would like to conclude this review by describing a situation that occurred only days after I finished Crucial Conversations. I actually had an opportunity to incorporate skills and knowledge I gained from this book to assist me in handling a crucial conversation of my own. I received a telephone call from an individual that was unhappy with an educational program that I (representing my university) was planning. I had inadvertently stepped on his toes while developing the program. In the first few minutes of the conversation, he was silent, providing me only one word responses followed by sarcastic comments. He was unhappy with the situation and seemed like he wanted to end the conversation. I thought that if I did not determine what was upsetting him and come to a solution, there could be negative ramifications for future collaboration between him, potentially the agency he represents, and the university. I kept thinking about statements from the book such as, “what do I really want out of this conversation” (p. 40), or how can I make it safe for this individual to share his feelings (p. 74), and what can I say to persuade him to begin sharing his thoughts and opinions regarding the situation (p. 166). I felt like he was blowing the situation out of proportion, so I asked myself, why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person act this way (p. 124)? I used some of the skills outlined above and within an hour he finally divulged his insecurities from a past experience which caused his concerns. By remaining in dialogue, we found a solution that he was comfortable with that still met my goals. Our relationship was not compromised and I felt a sense of satisfaction in handling a crucial conversation. I found Crucial Conversations to be a book that presented straightforward and applicable principles to use in my personal life as well as my professional career.