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Leaving Adidam (the confessions of a heretic)

------An essay by Eddie Blatt, BSc(Hons), PhD, Grad.Dip.Ed ------

This essay is dedicated to nobody since no body is likely to read it.

INDEX

ITEM PAGE____ Preface …………………...………………………... 2 Section I The Adidam Years .………………………. 3-7 1. Signing Up ………...…………………... 3-5 2. Signing Off …………………………….. 6-7 Section II Post Adidam .……………………………... 8-18 1. Rock Bottom……….…………...... 8-10 2. And ..…………………………………... 11-13 3. The Final Countdown …………………..14-18 Section III Why I Left Adidam .………………………19-20 Section IV The Critique .………………………………21-23 Section V The Equivalence of Truth ………………….24 Postscript ……………………………………………...25 Notes …………………………………………….. 26-32 Appendix I Conversation with Adyashanti - A&I Hall, Bangalow, NSW, 18 Oct, 2007 ……………33-34

1 Preface

I first came across a book by Adi Da titled Love of The Two-Armed Form in 1990 while living in Byron Bay, became a formal devotee in 1991, lived in the hub of the Australian community (Adidam) for 5 years in Melbourne and Sydney, then finally relinquished formal association around the year 2000 after returning to Byron Bay.

I am grateful to Adi Da for his role in my becoming more aware of the tendencies of righteousness and emotional withdrawal, and for showing me the greater spiritual possibilities available. I often feel an immense clarity from seeing things as if through his eyes. For the 8 or 9 years I was a formal devotee, however, I never thought that I would be moved to continue my life’s journey elsewhere… and that it would feel completely valid.

This essay is written in order to refine my understanding of the process of relinquishing formal association. It is also a critique of my time in Adidam, a community in which I was a willing participant, but it is not intended to produce a document that warrants endless (and ultimately fruitless) debate. In any proposed scheme, all relevant arguments can be considered valid given certain premises are taken as truths. The tenets of Adidam comply with such a scheme and I acknowledge them to be completely self-consistent.

I trust this essay will also be of use to those who are contemplating leaving or have already left Adidam. For those who remain formal devotees, I invite open dialogue. Defending any path, be it “spiritual” or otherwise, is the self-contraction at work, as is trying to convince anyone of anything. Whatever the merits of being a devotee of Adi Da ultimately are, there is no doubt that he has had a profound effect on most of those who have come into his company. I am no exception.

______

Please note: In the interests of completeness and brevity commonly associated with writing an essay, I have included a preposterously large notes section containing references and musings of mine following this essay. I recommend initially ignoring it so as not to interrupt the flow of the reading, then referring to it later while re-reading the essay. However, I should also mention that since I have been wrong about so many things before it is probably wise to ignore this, and any other recommendation I may make, altogether.1 ______

2 SECTION I - THE ADIDAM YEARS

1. Signing Up

‘I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.’

Groucho Marx

I fell in love with Adi Da, pure and simple. As such I was drawn to fully participate in his community beyond any reluctance due to personal preferences. The falling-in-love bit really was my saving grace; otherwise, there was no way I was going to jump over the seemingly endless hurdles placed before me in order to get to meet him.

His arguments regarding the search and it being the underlying motive preventing one from realizing the truth were also damn good. So were all his writings, books and discourses on a multitude of issues, both ordinary and extraordinary. His line, ‘Truth is always already the case,’ stopped my mind in its tracks, as did ‘There is not the slightest difference.’ It was clear that before me was not just a great philosophical scholar, but a person who was a living example of the truth he spoke about. He had obviously realised something well beyond the words themselves.

Suddenly, Louise Hays’ You Can Heal Yourself and Wayne Dwyer’s Your Erroneous Zones seemed pitifully empty. Even J. Krishnamurti’s lucid writings had lost its appeal! And you might as well also lump in the likes of Buddha, Jesus, Ramana, Muktananda and the rest of the cast of enlightened beings. They had all departed anyway, and ‘Dead gurus can’t kick ass’, right?

But it was when I read Method of the Siddhas in late 1990 that the penny really dropped. It was as if Adi Da knew everything about what I was doing and why I was doing it even though we had never met. Till that point I had been unaware of the extreme levels of daily anxiety permeating my life, and I was absolutely oblivious to the source of their manifestation.

These discoveries formed the basis of my association with Adi Da and his community of devotees. On the one hand, I was discovering more and more the degree of my own (and everyone else’s) unhappiness. On the other hand, Adi Da’s presence, which seemed so utterly free of any of the concerns and neurotic gestures so evident in the rest of us, was becoming more and more evident. This predicament set in motion the struggle to attain a freedom that seemed to be on the other side of a chasm as vast as the Grand Canyon!

Whatever could be construed about that dilemma, I was in-love with the person who declared he was the only one capable of ‘liberating all beings’. I responded to the two- pronged attack of heart and intellect, and moved from the tranquil milieu of Byron Bay to

3 my old (and cold) stamping grounds of Melbourne in order to join the main community of his Australian devotees.2

In spite of the initial shock of living in such close quarters with others I began performing the practices assiduously. It soon became five hours a day of personal observances, service on most week-nights and week-ends, a whole-day retreat each week, a required intimate partner to relate to (but mostly ignored), and a full-time job as a research scientist in order to meet the high financial cost of being a formal devotee. Hell, I was doing it all and really going somewhere.

I felt I was a member of the only true spiritual way headed by the only fully realized being in the history of humanity. (Of course, I demeaned other spiritual aspirants in other groups who felt the same way about their paths and their gurus!) In any case, whether we were a cult or not, as determined by any definition one could care to formulate (or even by Adi Da’s own continued criticism on this matter), was irrelevant at the time. I was on a mission from God and I wanted to meet Him face-to-face. Nothing else mattered.

*********

Like all organizations and institutions Adidam contains the good, the bad, and the ugly. And like so many “spiritual” communities, we considered the teacher to be the good, while ourselves to be the bad and the ugly. We were deemed to be as Narcissus, the epitome of the self-possessed human who falls in love with his own image.3 The only way out (or “in” as some would say) lay in devotional surrender to the guru whose grace would then, and only then, naturally flow to liberate us.

Now, these notions of “surrender” and “guru devotion” open up a Pandora’s Box of issues and prognostications,4 ranging from the typical westerners’ aversion and disgust to the eastern spiritual aspirants’ acceptance of it as the only means of liberation. The key issue for me - the only issue really - is that I submitted to it, openly and willingly. No praise, no blame, and no regrets. It served its purpose perfectly as every process does in its time and place.

Being permitted to come into his physical company was the carrot that Adi Da continuously dangled in front of devotees. Before being considered prepared to go on retreat, however, one had to meet a multitude of conditions and function at a particular level of practice.5 Cultural “leaders” would determine each devotees’ suitability and preparedness.

The entire gamut of rationalizations was used to justify demeaning behaviours during this process of determining who could go on retreat. On display were the characteristics common to all institutions and organisations: one-upmanship, righteousness and power struggles. Truly, we were emotional children almost totally oblivious to the degree of immaturity we were animating and the cultic nature of our associations. As it so pertinently says in the Katha Upanishad, a text dating back somewhere between two and three thousand years,

4 ‘Abiding in the midst of ignorance, thinking themselves wise and learned, fools go aimlessly hither and thither, like blind led by the blind.’6

I was playing these childish games trying to please mummy and daddy in order to get the bikkies. I surmised that if I behaved appropriately with no outward hostility or critical judgment, then safe passage to retreat was assured.7 I also learnt that if I showed no critical evaluation of the teacher, the teaching or the institutional structures, then my lack of knowing the right people within the top echelons of the hierarchy would not be an impediment to reaching my goal.

Sure enough, after paying my dues for five years I met Adi Da in 1995 while on a two- month retreat in his northern Californian sanctuary. The retreat comprised numerous sightings and many hours of sitting with him in formal meditation. The retreat also consisted of extended celebrations full of cigarettes, beer and spaghetti bolognaise in the evenings, and fried eggs and toast in the mornings to overcome the previous nights’ activities!8 I became as familiar with Jimi Hendrix’s Hey Joe and All Along the Watchtower as I did with Om Nama Shivaya and Sat Guru Deva.9

I had gone through the fire of following Adi Da’s instructions and had achieved my goal of spending time with him on retreat. Whatever ordeal I had been through seemed worth the effort. I discovered that the transmission I received from Adi Da via his books, audio cassettes and videos was the same as what I felt in his physical company. The retreat ended after two long months and I returned to Melbourne exhausted and elated.

5 2. Signing Off

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

Benjamin Franklin

From a very early age I questioned the basis of everything from religious and educational beliefs to cultural and nationalistic prejudices.10 This quality of “free thinking” was a major factor in leading me to Adi Da (the other one being a fiercely honest disposition11). Becoming a formal devotee, however, did not curtail this native inclination. It simply became temporarily overridden by the intense desire to meet Adi Da himself.

Of course, in time, all suppressed passions must eventually surface to be seen and accounted for in the light of the day. I was aware that even after decades of so-called spiritual practice, devotees remained egoically inclined.12 Combined with the growing awareness of my own neurotically repetitive and addictive qualities, I started questioning all aspects of Adidam - the guru, the teaching and the community of devotees – in a way I had hitherto not been prepared to do for fear of retribution. More importantly, I began questioning my own motives at a level of personal integrity not available for receptive sharing amongst fundamentalists.13

I was lying about my practice and doing things behind people’s backs.14 It was clear that there was no point in continuing to live the same way anymore. Claiming the guru was God and I am Narcissus, thus requiring more practices, more devotion, more submission, more meditation, more disciplines… and more deceptions, was not going to cut it anymore. When I started questioning all aspects of Adidam openly, including the guru himself, I was told by a cultural leader that such a disposition meant I was not a true devotee.15 ‘Guru says, devotee does.’ You are either in or you are out. As the host of the Big Brother television series says each eviction night, “It’s time to go… Eddie Blatt!”

********* The way out of a self-imploded and righteous “spiritual” organisation is fraught with struggle.16 I was convinced for a decade that Adi Da was the only fully-realised being to have ever existed and that total participation in Adidam was the only way to be free of suffering. All other ways were less than perfect at best and seriously deluded at worst. Breaking the “eternal vow”17 and leaving meant I would be dammed forever, not as depicted in the exoteric Christian tradition, but nevertheless as powerful a mindset. And just like with most institutions, members that venture to dissociate from the flock are looked down upon (as I had done when others had left before me) as either deluded or fools. The separation created by devotees between themselves and non-devotees is as acute as any other separative act.

6 Thankfully, the process of physically extricating myself from the community of devotees proved to be relatively straightforward. I simply said my goodbyes with no ill-feelings to anyone and none felt in-return, and went back to live in Byron Bay, the place where the sojourn to meet Adi Da consciously began all those years before.

Emotionally and psychologically, however, a more intense process was underway. Where could I now go to unravel the truth after being in the company of the Heart-Master? What if I had really turned my back on the only source of absolute salvation to have ever existed? How was I going to be free of the anguish of self-possession that had brought me to Adi Da in the first place, now felt acutely as a failed devotee? To add to the confusion, some time soon after returning to Byron Bay I fell madly in-love with a woman only for the relationship to dramatically end a few months later. Depression set in and I felt ‘lost in a lost world’.18

It was then, at a point many call rock bottom, that the fallacies of my outlook in Adidam emerged. And at that point the nature of what freedom really is began to percolate into my consciousness.

*********

7 SECTION II – POST ADIDAM

1. Rock Bottom

‘Be a fundamentalist; make sure fun always comes before the mental.’

Swami Beyondananda

For the years I was a formal devotee I had little interest in learning about other teachers or teachings, even though devotees are instructed by Adi Da to engage with the literature from ‘The Great Tradition’ of human spirituality. Having relinquished formal association I felt the urge to redress this oversight and broaden my largely ignorant and narrow perspective. However, before attending to that desire I first had to deal with the acute depression I was experiencing.

My first port of call was a meeting of Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) in Byron Bay.19 A friend, who had attended 12-step programs for some years, recommended CoDA as a helpful support group for those who are continually in co-dependent relationships. As I was preparing to go to a meeting a nagging question occupied my mind - how could I attend anything spiritually less significant than that of the highest form represented by Adi Da? Anything less must surely be of no value, or at least no more significant than a piss in the wind!

When I first walked into one of the rooms of the building where the CoDA meeting was to be held, I noticed that all the people were smoking. I had been previously informed that no smoking was allowed in meetings and I became angry (in my customary righteous way). In addition, not only were they smoking but they were relentlessly griping about issues concerning the government and its pathetic policies, the useless bureaucrats with their pathetic meanderings, and the hopeless support organisations and their pathetic track records, ad nauseum. After about ten minutes of this collective diatribe, I grew suspicious. I awkwardly put up my hand and asked if I had come to the right place. Well, not quite I discovered, it was a meeting of Narcotics Anonymous! I walked across the corridor to the adjacent room and breathed a sigh of relief as well as some fresh air.

I was very nervous as I walked into the real CoDA meeting room. However, after the preamble and welcoming address had been read and a sharing was underway, the room became bathed in a most beautiful translucent light, like delicate rain falling in a sun- shower. The overwhelming sense was one of relief - I was exactly where I was meant to be! And, ironically, maybe for the first time ever, I felt Adi Da’s (dare I say it) ‘blessing presence’.20 This experience heralded a growing recognition in me that there is no place and time that is not auspicious, and there is no event that is not entirely appropriate.

8 I subsequently attended CoDA meetings for some years, and am grateful to those fellow souls who opened their hearts and showed such kindness and friendship. One of them became the sister I never had,21 and it was she who introduced me to a community of spiritual seekers in Byron Bay that was to have a critical impact on my developing insight into the nature of cults and cultists.

********* The “Miracle Centre” (also called The New Christian Church of Full Endeavor) in Byron Bay housed a community of people studying the channeled teachings of Jesus in the book, A Course in Miracles. Much could be said about the goings-on at the Miracle Centre, and, indeed, much has been said and written in numerous articles and reports.22 Many were highly critical of the suspect nature of the group’s activities, especially its main teachers in Byron Bay and Wisconsin, USA.

What astonished me about the Miracle Centre was the similarities between the disposition of many of its members and those of Adidam! The overwhelming belief of the people there was that they were privy to the absolute truth while others elsewhere were not. In addition, the main teacher was revered, all other paths were inferior, and the teaching contained in A Course in Miracles was the only necessary ‘curriculum’ for the realisation of god.

What astonished me even more was that, in the midst of interacting with members, I saw myself (silently) defending Adi Da and his teaching even though I wasn’t a devotee anymore! I was doing the same thing they were (folks, it’s called the ‘self-contraction’! 23). I quickly realised the critical point was not to come to some conclusion regarding a “right” way or a “wrong” way, but rather to move beyond recoil and defensiveness in any given circumstance. Whether I was a devotee of Adi Da or a student of A Course in Miracles, or whatever, was irrelevant. Just like Adidam and every other spiritual institution, there are relational types, righteous types, superior types, inferior types, and every other type of character in-between. (And then there are the rare types elsewhere who have really understood - those types do not join “spiritual” organisations!)

My loose association with the Miracle Centre lasted as long as the one year I was with my then girlfriend who was a committed member. Yet, it proved to be a pivotal moment in the path that was being prepared for me. It also presented me in written form the most lucid description of what surrendering into reality is. Ironically, it comes from A Course in Miracles, a book I otherwise find entirely undecipherable:

“Simply do this: Be still, and lay aside all thoughts of what you are and what God is; all concepts you have learned about the world; all images you hold about yourself. Empty your mind of everything it thinks is either true or false, or good or bad, of every thought it judges worthy, and all ideas of which it is ashamed. Hold onto nothing. Do not bring with you one thought the past has taught, nor one belief you ever learned before from anything. Forget this world, forget this course, and come with holy empty hands unto your God.”

9 A Course in Miracles (Lesson 189, paragraph 7)

Although both CoDA and The Miracle Centre served important purposes in my life, I intuitively knew that I would eventually move on to other significant encounters. I didn’t have to wait long - they came thick and fast over the next few years.

*********

10 2. And

What is Mind? No Matter. What is Body? Never Mind.

Thomas Hewitt Key

“And” is my favourite word. It’s like a zen koan. Used instead of “but” it loosens the grip of the mind24 just long enough to grasp that both sides of opposing desires are only in conflict if perceived to be in opposition. It also points to the natural inclusiveness of existence rather than to the common desire of having one side win over another in exclusivity. And it’s the title I use for this section of the essay because it neatly summarises the chain of events that led me to accept what I had come to recognise and had suppressed in fear of being derided – that there is no absolute contradiction between different “spiritual” endeavours and there is no source of wisdom outside of myself.25

The early stages of the process saw me filming a Satsang pilgrimage through India in 2000 with a group of seven people guided by john david.26 In Rishikesh we visited the Ashram of Hans Raj Maharaj. After waiting outside his bedroom for some time we were asked to return the next day whereupon he granted us Satsang in his bedroom. As I was filming him sitting on his bed talking to us, I had the opportunity to look deep into his eyes through the zoom lens of the video camera I was operating. It was as if Adi Da himself was peering out of the eyes of Maharaj. The same sense of love and infinity shone through those intoxicating brown eyes. I was in awe of the force of Maharaj’s presence and gratefully received prasad27 at the conclusion of the talk.28

This event (and many others along the journeys in India in 2000 and subsequently in 2003) loosened the grip I had around the exclusivity of truth in the forms of Adi Da and the institution built around him.29 Paradoxically, it actually consolidated my respect for the guru-devotee relationship even though I knew it was highly unlikely I would ever enter into that form of relationship again. This awareness arose not from any disillusionment or hostility associated with the guru-devotee relationship, but from a trust that my instinct regarding the nature of freedom would be confirmed in other ways.

The culmination of the Satsang India journey in 2000 saw us in Tiruvanamalai at the Ashram of Ramana Maharshi. It was clearly time for me to inquire into the significance of this much loved and revered sage, both as a conduit for the divine within India as well as throughout the west.30 And, of course, as he appeared on my own path.11,30 Adi Da himself journeyed to Tiruvanamalai, and he has stated that the closest realisation to his own came in the form of Ramana Maharshi.29

Ramana’s “guru” was his beloved Arunachala, the mountain on which he dwelled in silence and solitude in the Virupaksha cave for 17 years, and which towers over his

11 Ashram. The cave is approximately 200 metres above the township and takes about thirty minutes to climb. The stillness in the Virupaksha cave was overwhelming, not least being as a result of the contrasting incessant noise of the township below. Silent meditation in the cave was effortless and profound.

It took me back to the room in Adi Da’s place of residence at his northern Californian sanctuary called the Manner of Flowers where he would meditate with devotees. The impact of the stillness in that room was as tangible and as strong as a fist in the face! That both the Virupaksha cave and the meditation room in the Manner of Flowers could exhibit such potency showed me yet again that spiritual force was not confined to one person or one place. Furthermore, not only did I not have the capacity of matching one off against another to determine which was spiritually superior, I also surmised that such comparisons were of no value whatsoever. Indeed, such inquiries come from a place already housed in dilemma and they actually create the differences we then try in vain to reconcile.31

*********

For over a month after returning to Australia I was in a state of peace; not peace “of” mind but rather peace “from” mind. Everything took on a remarkable simplicity and there was a curious sense of ease in contrast to my usual omnipresent anxiety. This ease was broken, however, in a most unlikely of places – a Satsang occasion with Isaac Shapiro, a teacher in the lineage of Ramana Maharshi!

In satsang events with Isaac Shapiro members of the audience are invited to come up to the front of the room, sit next to Isaac and to communicate whatever arises. On one occasion a very heady (and earnest) man got up and began philosophizing about truth and enlightenment. Nothing particularly abhorrent or even extravagant about that - my reaction, however, was alarmingly extravagant! My peace from mind was shattered and I became extremely hostile, blaming the man for my loss of serenity. I got up after him and lamented the loss with a thinly-disguised attack on his credibility. I managed to calm down after some time and left the event more at ease, yet still somewhat confused.32

Eventually, I began finding such satsang occasions of little use. As sound as Ramana’s method of inquiring into the Self in the form of asking the question “Who Am I?” may be, the context in which it gets presented in suburban rooms and halls lacks the oomph! to really deal with the ego. I knew that truth-realisation33 was not only not a pretty process (as devotees of Adi Da and other gurus will certainly testify), it was downright offensive! It has been said that there are only two forces in the world, god and the ego (corresponding to love and fear, respectively). Prising the ego off its perch of seeming supremacy requires a force much greater than meetings in a hall with a nice man could possibly provide, even if that man has realised something greater than the conventional wisdom. It appears that nothing less than god itself can dethrone the ego.

Whether this desire of mine for oomph! was simply an idiosyncratic aspect of my neurotic character or based on real understanding of the process of ego relinquishment

12 was a mute question. The time spent as a devotee of Adi Da showed me unequivocally the value of spending time in the company of a realised being and the force such a relationship engenders. I felt I had come to recognise a vastly different perspective of life to the common one found in the contemporary westernized world as a result of being a devotee of Adi Da. Peeling away hidden layers of ego, however, is fraught with misconceptions and there clearly remained much to see and understand.

********* The existence of a full and consistent men’s culture has been mostly lost in contemporary civilization, especially in westernized societies.34 The men’s culture in Adidam was my first experience of such a culture, and it was an initiation into the possibility of intimacy with other men. I say “possibility” because it was hindered by the fundamentalist nature and the immaturity of the members of the group, including myself. Nevertheless, after leaving Adidam, I did miss the on-going company of men in a purposeful setting exclusive of women. Eventually I came across the teachings of David Deida, an American man whom I was to later discover was himself once a devotee of Adi Da, and a group of men in Byron Bay who were regularly meeting to facilitate his teachings.35

David Deida’s book, The Way of the Superior Man, is a unique calling for men to engage the process of maturing as strong and loving men. Given that so much of mens’ time and energy is associated with relating to women, this book invites men to become clear in their life-purpose as a pre-requisite for relating consciously with women. It is also a calling for men to form intimate, life-positive and accountable relationships with other men, in a way very reminiscent of that conveyed by Adi Da. The difference between the two in my case, however, is that I acted childishly and as an adolescent while a devotee of Adi Da, lacking the capabilities of going beyond competitiveness and defensiveness amongst other men. In addition, as mentioned earlier in this essay, the fundamentalist nature of devotees hindered the flow of real “consideration”.36

At the time of writing this essay, I have continuously attended weekly meetings of men derived from the original David Deida group in Byron Bay for over six years. The format and mood of the group have changed over that time to meet the transforming outlook of its regular members. We originally began doing the David Deida “practices” 37 methodically and rigidly, much like I did whilst a member of Adidam. In stark contrast, however, we do not continue them just because they have been recommended by someone else or because that’s how they have always been done. We change according to each member’s participatory input over time. This has fostered a level of intimacy I had not experienced in Adidam or the earlier David Deida groups, and it appeals to me as a more mature approach to adult relationships in general.

The time spent in the men’s group has seen a burgeoning growth in ordinary human maturity, especially as a man. The question remained, however, does it have anything to do with truth-realisation? Till now, a large mosaic had been created one piece at a time in the hope of constructing a completed picture. Now, like a Tibetan sand painting, it was about to be completely blown apart.

13 3. The Final Countdown

"Here's all you need to know to become enlightened: Sit down, shut up, and ask yourself what's true until you know. That's it. That's the whole deal - a complete teaching of enlightenment, a complete practice. If you ever have any questions or problems - no matter what the question or problem is - the answer is always exactly the same: Sit down, shut up, and ask yourself what's true until you know."38 Jed McKenna

It’s a mystery as to why some people are attracted to a particular teacher and others to another teacher or to no teacher at all. Sure, we could dissect the whole thing by comparing peoples’ characteristics with what’s being offered to see if there are any characterological or neurotic fits, or perhaps refer to some vacuous new-age proposition, but ultimately it all remains a mystery, like existence itself.

So when I began reading books by Osho, I had no prior clue that he would present me with a piece of the jig-saw puzzle that Adi Da may have been presenting to his devotees, but to which I had hitherto been unable to receive. In previous years I had demeaned Osho as, at best, a mediocre realiser, and at worst a scoundrel of the highest order. His devotees of course were simply deluded.39

Through Osho I established that it was completely OK to be who I am where I am. Period. By contrast, in Adidam I felt lesser than the Master and believed his realisation to be utterly beyond us ordinary folk. (Ironically, Adi Da has said that ‘the basic self-force, or ego-force, must be strong in you if you are to Realize the Event of ego-death.’40) While a devotee of Adi Da I had the underlying conviction of the futility of my practice that was not changing over time. Indeed, as the years mounted up, the joy of life was being sapped by his uncompromising criticisms and demands and by a community incapable (or at least unwilling) to confront the reality of our individual and collective circumstances with authenticity.

The energy of Osho’s words felt like being bathed in warm sunshine on a spring day after the passing of a cold winter. They provided me with a breathing space from the relentless inner dialogue that deemed the process of spiritual realisation as only about exertion and struggle. I never met Osho in bodily form but I am indebted to his timely movement into my life, and I am grateful for the many Osho sannyasins I have since befriended. I apologise for my previous unconscionable conduct towards them - I confess to being a righteous asshole!41

********* Having established a strong life-positive egoic existence apart from Adidam, which included bringing to fruition life-long desires of performing classical guitar in concerts and creating a music CD,42 the need for truth-realisation was again consciously emerging.

14 The next leg began at the Byron Bay markets on a warm and sunny afternoon. I was walking by a book stall when I noticed a guy I recognised selling books from behind the counter. We had met a number of times some years earlier at Adidam events as well as at the Miracle Centre. After a warm embrace he opened a crusty old timber box and took out an equally crusty old hard-cover book entitled Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch. He was so keen for me to read the book, he sold it to me for the princely sum of $2!

I almost became as obsessed with the Conversations with God series of books as I had been with Adi Da’s books. It felt as if God was actually talking to me, helping me remove the remaining hurdles I had conjured up in my mind to avoid realizing the inevitable; that life, and existence altogether, were unashamedly beautiful and perfect as they are. That god and creativity are inseparable. That everything is exactly as it should be, whether one calls it egoic or not. That each individual is intrinsically a grand manifestation of the Divine. Period!

It’s hard to convey what it felt like to emerge from years of self-doubt that were constantly being re-enforced by a community of fanatical and depressed people. There is no spiritual contradiction in living well - in a house that is spacious and not crowded with up to three guys sharing one bedroom. Or going for a swim in the beach on a hot, sunny day, rather than spending hours thinking in cold and moldy meditation halls imagining that something profound is happening. Or even buying a flashy white convertible sports car!43

The constant dissatisfaction with how things were and the need to move on was God’s way of saying it is OK to move on. More than that, it is absolutely necessary to trust one’s own deepest intuition and act on that basis with whole-hearted conviction. As Adi Da himself has said ‘You must trust the process of your own life.’ 44 I was confident that if I was to stray from the truth on any matter it would be revealed, and if there were any lingering doubts they would be allayed. And they were.

********* Adyashanti reminds me very much of how Adi Da was in his younger days before he became a grandiose figure. Young-looking and relational with simple clarity,45 there is a warmth and availability in Adyashanti that endeared me to him straight away when I first came across his videos on YouTube. Actually it rather took me by surprise, as all attractive forces do.

Adyashanti’s manner and underlying message have been cultivated from his years as a practitioner of Zen Buddhism. When I listen to his discourses I feel a transmission somewhat reminiscent of how I felt with Adi Da’s discourses many years ago. So, it was a thrill when I learnt that Adyashanti was to be visiting Australia and was scheduled to host a series of meetings in a nearby town.

15 I arrived at the venue on a warm October evening full of anticipation, a sensation I had not felt for a number of years when attending such occasions. After a short period of silence, Adyashanti spoke about the perception of reality and truth that is, necessarily, available for everyone, and unconditional love as the ground of being. He also spoke of the teacher’s message as often being ‘mistaking the finger pointing to the moon for the moon itself.’ Nothing was spoken that I hadn’t heard before, but I felt peaceful sitting there in the audience. I was not mistaking the finger pointing for anything else - at least not in that moment!

After completing his talk, Adyashanti extended an invitation to anyone wishing to ask him a question or enter into a dialogue with him to step up to a microphone placed in the middle of the room. A man got up and began a long and heady communication, reminiscent of the Satsang occasion with Isaac Shapiro some years earlier. And just like in that event my peace from mind was shattered, and once again I became extremely hostile towards the perpetrator.46

I approached the microphone and expressed my dismay at what had happened, especially the quick shift from an “unfractured mind” when listening to Adyashanti to a “fractured mind” when listening to the previous speaker. [see Appendix I for the full transcription of the conversation with Adyashanti.] I further expressed that while I was sitting in the audience fuming I was feeling helpless at rectifying my predicament. I simply did not know how to deal with this issue anymore.

In a poignant exchange with Adyashanti I got to inquire into the feeling of not knowing what to do with the uncomfortability of the mind, whatever it was or whoever it “belonged” to. Adyashanti’s response of ‘You know that you don’t know what to do, and so you are in harmony,’ blew away the dwindling vestiges of the “knower”. It confirmed my long-held awareness that I simply do not “know” any thing and that not knowing was a fundamental attribute of freedom – ‘Divine Ignorance’ as Adi Da put it in the early days!47 Moreover, the arising of the message “I do not know” in a thought form, then breathed throughout the body, was authentic wisdom. God’s wisdom.

To acknowledge inner wisdom as a message of God’s is almost sacrilege in Adidam. Truth in any form was deemed to only exist as Adi Da. Thus, to feel something that seemed different must necessarily be egoic. The interchange with Adyashanti confirmed the trust I had in my own recognition that there was no one outside of myself to refer to. I have since been more than happy to let the pontificators of truth argue as to whether this acknowledgement is a manifestation of the Divine or the height of egoity. It’s of no interest to me anymore. Actually, most things are of no interest to me anymore.

*********

It has been said that when the student is ready the teacher appears. Adi Da appeared in order to shake me up from being a self-possessed and intolerant scientific materialist and to develop the muscle of self-understanding.48 Perhaps I was too immature to make use of

16 the fullness of what he had to offer. Perhaps his teaching methods simply failed to move people beyond their egoity,49 or perhaps, he just isn’t who he claims to be. Once again, I am more than happy to leave the pundits pontificating on such matters.

Other teachers since have also opened me up to greater awareness and self- understanding.50 By the time I came across Jed McKenna’s book, Spiritual Enlightenment – The Damndest Thing, I was primed to take the next step – the relinquishment of the reliance on all teachings and all teachers.

Very little can be ascertained about Jed McKenna. The photo to the left appeared on the internet and could be Jed McKenna but there is no certainty that it is the Jed McKenna.51 The picture I have of him in my mind, however, certainly fits the bill. No doubt, he would have to be a really cool dude - stylish shades, an impish grin, and the type of distinctly mischievous humour that typically comes out of the USA.

Spiritual Enlightenment – The Damndest Thing is the book I’d have written if I was capable of writing it (or if I was Jed McKenna himself)! The humor, wit and clarity of insight he so effortlessly integrates with the ordinariness of his life derives unmistakably from the profoundest of realizations. His interplay with students clearly shows the foibles spiritual seekers get up to and it cuts away all the bullshit students animate when they are confronted by teachers or gurus who set themselves up as reverential beings. It spoke to me of true freedom, or, as he puts it, ‘Truth-Realization’, derived from the relinquishment of all ideas about everything and adherence to nothing.52

The thing that ultimately grabs me about Jed McKenna’s books is that I find the scenarios in them utterly relatable. There is no great fanfare - no samadhis, perfect practices, great epochs, divine and reverential beings - or anything even closely resembling the mystical expression of existence that seekers tend to be so enamored of. Instead, there is a radically, and necessarily simple revelation of realty. It is this simplicity, rather than the extraordinary and complex declarations of other teachers, including Adi Da, that I have come to recognize as the essence of truth. I feel this recognition as being wholly validated in Jed McKenna’s writings.53

In contrast, the thing with Adi Da is that his “realisation” feels so unattainable, so beyond the realms of actual possibilities. His more recent writings and teachings always feel as if someone else is doing the writing - that it comes from afar rather than from an inner wisdom. It was the subjugation of inner wisdom to an other offering “enlightenment” that fed my immaturity and took me down the path of cultism. Ultimately, it also led to me becoming acutely aware of the cultist attitude in general and, fortunately, to the eventual relinquishment of adhering to any person or teaching altogether. [see Section V for an attempt I made a number of years ago at expressing this awareness in prose.]

In his books, Jed McKenna pretty much suggests only one “practice”, a process he calls ‘spiritual autolysis.’ This involves writing anything down, then continually examining the foundation on which it is based over and over until the absolute bottom of the slippery

17 slope of falsehood is reached. The bottom point can be recognised by the inability to proceed any further. That is the simple truth devoid of any attributes whatsoever. As Jed McKenna puts it: ‘(Spiritual autolysis) isn't about personal awareness or self-exploration. It's not about feelings or insights. It's not about personal or spiritual evolution. This is about what you know for sure, about what you are sure you know is true, about what you are that is true . . ."

*********

I came across Spiritual Enlightenment – The Damndest Thing about the same time I started writing this essay, and what you are now reading was the outcome of my attempt at spiritual autolysis. The text has been refined and re-written many times in order to establish the underlying truth of why I left Adidam. At one point I started writing comically about Adi Da’s over-expansive revelatory literature and was enveloped by blind panic.47 Devotees would surely invoke the wrath of god against me, I imagined. For the sin of irreverence I would be severely punished by way of divine retribution. Finally, my car would be blown up, my house washed away by floods and my testicles crushed to smithereens.

I am pleased to declare none of the above occurred. Instead I was left with a sense of freedom I had not previously known or experienced. And it also left me with an understanding of what that marvelous zen saying ‘If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him’ is all about. Adi Da is the “Buddha” in my life, the most wonderful of liberators and the greatest obstacle to freedom, at the same time. Perhaps not. It really doesn’t matter anymore. It’s over.

*********

18 SECTION III – WHY I LEFT ADIDAM

I don't know if my wife left me because of my drinking or I started drinking 'cause my wife left me. Ben Sanderson in Leaving Las Vegas

The thing is this. I was once attracted to Adi Da and his community of devotees. Hell, I was completely in love with him, and living in the community was the place to be. Then after a number of years I wasn’t in love with him anymore and the community felt like a bunch of dried-up prunes. So, what options were there?

I could have gone along with the common wisdom of Adidam that the change in my disposition was a result of the “self-contraction”. The cure for this affliction was to do more and more prostrations before the master and beg for the gift of devotion. More disciplines would be taken on in the hope that this would invoke the guru’s blessings, which would in turn open my heart again. I’d make the right gestures once more, go on retreat, get another fix and I would again be a happy chappy. For a short while, anyway. An honorable choice.

I could have continued to deny my understanding of the truth, conform to the cultic and uninspiring culture of Adidam and simply battle on like the horse Boxer in George Orwell’s Animal Farm. You know, be a trooper – ‘Adi Da is always right’.54 Fake it till you make it. And so on. A not so honorable choice.

I could have continued to act like a dependent child and look to Adi Da for something I didn’t have and to the community cultural leaders for (cultic) guidance. Or perhaps progress to the level of the rebellious and secretive adolescent continuing to hide out in my mind and at the fast-food shop down the road. Not honorable choices at all but possibly ventures of some value.

Or I could leave and go through the fear of breaking the eternal vow no matter what the consequences, even if it meant languishing in eternal damnation.

The thing is this. Everything changes - feelings change, thoughts change, ideas change. There is nothing constant in this realm of possibilities. I could no longer deny these changes and the desire to move on by referral to an outside source, as if that source could tell me how I should be in order to realise an enlightenment that could not be got anyway. And I was not willing to confirm anything anymore that did not feel true just to get to go on retreat with Adi Da or to maintain a false civility in the community. I had to go through whatever it took to find freedom from the shackles of conformity to any idea, practice, belief or whatever, because that was what was constantly arising in my sphere of awareness. I had to be comfortable in my own skin in order for love to flow.

19 Leaving Adidam was an honorable choice, although by the time I left it felt like all choices had evaporated and there was only one appropriate option remaining. I had been under a spell that was finally broken. I got to see with clarity all the platitudes I had bored people with for so long and the absurd cultic nature of Adidam, the extent of which was virtually unrecognized within the community.

That’s the nature of cults. It seems real and absolutely valid until the fan of truth sprays the bullshit everywhere. My “attachment” to Adi Da, which previously seemed such a valid spiritual path, was now seen as simply another attachment - attachment to the guru, attachment to defending Adidam, attachment to the fear of change. The attachment to and defense of anything is bondage. Really. And ‘hanging on to Adi Da’s coattails’ while he flies is a euphemism for the state of childish acquiescence where one does not take responsibility for one’s own life.55

Adidam is cultic by its closed-shop, them-and-us mentality. This perpetuates the “sin” of “avoiding relationship,” the very act that Adi Da describes as being at the heart of egoity.56

One particular event since leaving Adidam serves as an example typifying the degree to which many devotees are removed from proper and heart-sensitive human relationships. I was sitting quietly in a pub drinking a glass of beer (a most unusual occurrence!) when a devotee approached me. Without even the most rudimentary acknowledgement of where I was at or how I was feeling, she immediately launched into a classic Adidam spiel. Adi Da was being very liberal in allowing people to have his darshan57 and there might be an opportunity for me to go and see him. When I replied that although I felt him in my heart I did not have the desire to go and see him, she responded by saying that she could not detect him in my heart! The lack of self-understanding and ordinary human maturity was staggering, especially for someone who had been a devotee for over a decade.

Events such as this confirm my decision to leave Adidam as the appropriate one. Not only because of the behaviour of the bulk of devotees in the organisation, but because of the way I myself acted to those outside of the organization – the “them” of them-and-us. I have since done penance rectifying my horribly righteous and insensitive conduct towards these people.

These days I am astonished to meet old friends I haven’t seen for years to find that they have hardly moved one iota away from the closeted perspective of life they have held most of their lives. They remain as fearful and bigoted as I remember we all were back then. I feel the same way about devotees in Adidam. I must confess, I see them all as living lives of childish dependency. God sure works in mysterious ways.

20 SECTION IV – THE CRITIQUE

‘Come to me when you are already happy.’

Adi Da Caution: The following critique is not to be taken seriously. Not heeding this warning could lead to severe dysfunction, including excruciating symptoms of boredom, doubt and discomfort.

I no longer find it useful to critique anything of spiritual significance solely as an exercise in scholarly argumentation. I cannot distinguish myself from the thing I am examining anymore as if the two were distinct entities and I could make a full and valid examination purely in abstract terms. Rather, I find myself implicated in everything that I examine. So, with that in mind, and not knowing how the hell I am going to pull it off, here goes.

There are (at least) two fundamental aspects of Adidam that must be addressed in any real consideration of its validity: (1) Adi Da is the only absolute God-Realised Avataric58 being - past, present and future, and (2) the only way for an “unenlightened” person to realise the same thing as he has is to enter into the guru-devotee relationship in the way he demands. Nothing more (and definitely) nothing less is required than that one- pointedness of purpose with submission to Adi Da as the master of every moment of one’s life.

Now, everything I have done, experienced, seen, read or heard has confirmed that there is nothing I can do to become enlightened. Even to try and determine what enlightenment is, is a foolhardy enterprise. Such an exercise would immediately create its opposite (non- enlightenment), thus propelling one into the dilemma of a particular thing over and against its opposite. In any case, to paraphrase Adi Da, ‘If you knew what enlightenment was you would have already realised it.’

So, if enlightenment is the goal of one’s endeavours then nothing spiritually significant will be realised. This message underscores the futility of the search to be free of suffering that Adi Da and many teachers over the millennia have conveyed ad infinitum. Put succinctly, all suffering can be seen as the result of one primal activity. Buddha named it “attachment” while Adi Da has termed it the “self-contraction.” I know suffering as the desire of wanting to be other than where I am.

Thus far I probably haven’t strayed too far from the flock.

Unfortunately merely comprehending all of this doesn’t cut it, as all seekers of freedom from suffering with even a modicum of self-understanding have come to appreciate. So,

21 the obvious question arises: is there someone I can go to or a practice to fulfill that will take me beyond this place of suffering?

In my case Adi Da “imposed” himself into my life without me even being aware that I was looking for a teacher or a teaching. The falling-in-love bit, as described earlier in the essay, circumvented the need to consider any questions of legitimacy or enter into (spiritual) debate of any kind,59 and was therefore a wonderful blessing. However, once that phase ended, I saw that what I thought I had truly understood was merely being lived as platitudes; for example, the repeating of the teachings of Adi Da to others. This must have been received as, at best tedious, and at worst excruciatingly boring. Imagine being tied down to a chair, gagged and forced to listen to a born-again Christian going on about god and sin, and you will get a sense of what it must be like for those who do not share the devotees’ obsession with Adi Da.

So, I don’t know if Adi Da is who he says he is,60 and I have no idea about what the process of enlightenment might be or indeed if any such process even exists. I move by attraction, unless of course fear gets in the way! Being a devotee of Adi Da is simply not attractive anymore. As a devotee once said (in an altogether different context I must unfortunately admit), ‘I’d rather have a nail up my ass.’61

I trust the process of my own life and do not need to question where I seem to be going (probably because there is nowhere to go!). Is Adidam a legitimate way for others? Yes, all paths are valid because they are actually occurring - unless emerging signs to the contrary indicate they aren’t valid anymore. And even then they’re all valid. That’s the Paradox of Existence – everything associated with the realisation of truth is valid and invalid at the same time. Or perhaps more to the point, there is no exclusive validity in any process or thing over and against another process or thing. Truth always finds its way through the morass, and it’s never what we think or claim it is.

Sadly there is a notion in Adidam that if one just sticks at it long enough realisation of who Adi Da is will finally be secured, the transmission of his god-energy will flow freely and all suffering will be outshined in a blaze of glory. At the present, after 35 years of Adi Da’s interactions with devotees, no-one in the community is considered to be god- realised, even though Adi Da is supposed to be the god-man offering all manner of advantages. What are we to make of this?

Perhaps Adi Da is not the god-man. No, Adi Da is the god-man. Maybe Adi Da is the god-man but his teaching “methods” have failed. No, Adi Da is the god-man, his teaching methods are perfect but his devotees are hopeless. Maybe Adi Da is the god-man, his teaching methods are perfect, his devotees are hopeless, but if they were in any other spiritual group they would be considered highly realised. After all, if you have the greatest realiser ever as your guru the standard would have to be extremely high, right?

*********

22 Of course, all of this posturing is useless speculation and entertained for amusement purposes only. Reality seemed a certain way to me until Adi Da showed me an altogether (and seemingly) different one. His attractive force penetrated the lovelessness of my self- possession and opened up a new level of enquiry beyond just the conceptual mind.

After many more adventures listening to much “god-speak” since my journey began, I have come to a place where whatever someone of spiritual “authority” says is taken as being essentially divine humour; i.e., utterly unnecessary! An example will clarify what I am intending to communicate here.

The great masters, including Adi Da, have all indicated that there is only one being: no- one is separate from anyone or anything else. I don’t feel this way. To the contrary, I feel utterly alone, as if there is no-one else at all. As Osho put it, aloneness is really an “all- one-ness”. Now, I could relinquish my point-of-view presuming it to be inferior, and submit to this other authority who claims superiority. Or I could accept whatever I feel as being exactly what I am supposed to feel and let Truth do its stuff. I live by the latter.

Maybe I have finally understood what “faith” is.

23 SECTION V – THE EQUIVALENCE OF TRUTH

(circa 2001)

No word or words is equivalent to God, Truth or Reality; no book is equivalent to God, Truth or Reality; no teaching is equivalent to God, Truth or Reality; no idea, thought or concept is equivalent to God, Truth or Reality; no person or organisation is equivalent to God, Truth or Reality; and no experience is equivalent to God, Truth or Reality …..

….. since God, Truth or Reality is Inclusive Consciousness or Love

with no possible referral outside of Itself.

There is no method nor any means to God, Truth or Reality ….

….. since God, Truth or Reality is what is always already Present,

free from the illusions of past effects and future attainments.

There is no “mind” and no way “out” of anywhere.

Therefore, stand straight now and directly, in every moment, allow what is to simply be what It always was and could only be, without the desire It be other than Itself.

24 Postscript

In the writing of this essay I have tried to condense twenty years of life into a few pages. It cannot, therefore, reveal the depth of feeling associated with my relationship to Adi Da and his community, nor can it do justice to the intricacies of Adi Da’s and other teachers’ wisdom-teachings and revelations.

I still occasionally have dreams of being in Adi Da’s company. Sometimes in those dreams his eyes look directly into mine and for a moment the universe ceases to exist, just as it did the many times he actually looked into my eyes while on retreat. It is then I realise no amount of words will suffice. Ultimately words fail altogether.

I am also testing the waters in this essay to see if I have what it takes to write something of significance, perhaps a book. In this regard, it has been said that if you want to be a writer write only about what you know. I know a lot about science (a fucking PhD and dozens of useless scientific papers if you don’t mind!) and music (I can pluck a tune or two on guitar), and what it takes to achieve excellence in a number of human endeavours.

I don’t know if I know what spirituality is. However, I can say that I do know what it’s like to be a devotee of Adi Da and what it feels like to be free of the attachment to him as the parental deity. I know what it feels like to not hold a false sacredness to the detriment of freedom itself. Perhaps there are universal themes here that can be expanded into a book and hence be of use to others.

Thus, I ask you my dear reader since you have come this far, if you would be willing to play a role in this process. Let me know what your response to this essay is. Many of you have known me for a lot of years and some were fellow devotees in Adidam. Whatever opinions you have of me and/or this essay are completely valid and I trust your considered opinions will be of value. I also trust the power of honesty more than anything else. Perhaps The Power of Honesty should have been the title of this essay.

My love to you all. Eddie B

25 NOTES

1. My intimate partner tells me that my writings tend to be inaccessible to the general populace. This is as good a spot as any to apologise to her for any succumbing to this addiction that might arise in the writing of this essay. Better than indulging in my other great addiction - chocolate. 2. I had been trying to get out of the miserable confines of Melbourne for decades. Within two or three months of finally departing and arriving in Byron Bay I came across “Love of the Two-Armed Form.” Soon after, I was told by a devotee that in order to get to see Adi Da I had to join the community back in Melbourne! I spent the next two years overcoming ensuing anger and despair before taking the plunge. 3. Narcissus is the Greek mythological figure who fell in love with his own image. The following rather comical practice was an example of how we were to enact such identifications within the community: at the beginning of each devotional group we would recite the12-step program opening mantra in the form: ‘My name is so-and-so and I am Narcissus.’ We would then proceed to review each members’ previous week’s comprehensive check-list containing all practices performed, including the detailing of any naughty behaviours like eating Mars bars or Kit-Kats. Accountability was one of the key elements of our culture! (It should also be noted that the 12-step program forms the basis of many related organisations such as alcoholics anonymous (AA), narcotics anonymous (NA) and co-dependents anonymous (CoDA). Adi Da acknowledges that the 12-step program is one of the best therapeutic processes for people with gross addictions.) 4. Oops, sorry, there I go again with high-falutin languaging! 5. Adi Da has put forward a comprehensive map of the human egoic stages of life beginning with the first three natural periods prior to the possibility of spiritual advancement. The levels of practice indicated here are related to different levels of personal practice and often determines whether a devotee can go on retreat in his company. 6. Taken from http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/67150.html, viewed 19/12/07. 7. On one occasion I got angry during a community meeting and was disqualified from going on retreat for some months. (Generally I was considered an “angular” person, not truly devotional!?) On a second occasion some years later in a men’s practice group, I was put “on-hold” for declaring in rather strong tones that what we were doing as devotees of truth was useless and utterly futile! “On-hold” is a sort of purgatory where one is still considered a devotee (thus still requiring financial contributions) but cannot take part in the devotional life of the community. I returned to the fold soon after when a female devotee heard about the kafuffle and lampooned the guys in my group. Embarrassing as it might have been I was grateful for her timely interception, especially as I was wanting to go on retreat at the time! 8. I became envious of those who were flexible enough to sit on the floor during meditation; their seemingly devotional gestures of placing their heads on the floor at the feet of the guru were, as I discovered, mostly pretexts for catching up on

26 much needed sleep. I fell off my chair on more than one occasion during those morning meditations! 9. Allow me an act of self-indulgence here. Not long before going on retreat I had composed two-thirds of a chant titled ‘Om Sri Da’. By “coincidence” it was being sung to Adi Da the night I arrived at the sanctuary. A few days later during a retreatants’ devotional group a fellow devotee (who did not know that I was even a musician let alone the composer of the chant) was practicing it and asked me if I knew whether she was singing it correctly! ‘Sure’, I replied, ‘however…..’ 10. I remember well Biblical Studies classes in high school taken by Dr Goldenberg. Recounting the story of Adam and Eve on one occasion, he declared that, because they ate an apple from the tree of good and evil which God expressively commanded not to, they were expelled from the Garden of Eden.

‘But why were they punished,’ I asked standing up, ‘when they only obtained the knowledge of good and evil after they had consumed the apple? They obviously couldn’t yet know that disobeying god was evil or that they were doing anything wrong at all.’ Unimpressed, Dr Goldenberg commanded I sit down and shut up. My refusal to submissively accept the status quo simply because it was my cultural heritage, or to refrain from open and intelligent enquiry, prompted the principal of the school to say that I would never amount to anything. He was right AND he was wrong. 11. Soon after reading Love of the Two-Armed Form, I found myself in the home of a self-proclaimed “realiser” who lived nearby. When I asked him where he was at in the hierarchical scheme of enlightened beings he replied that he himself was not fully realized. However, there were two photos on the wall; one was Ramana Maharshi, the other Adi Da. He pointed to Adi Da and told me that this one was fully realized. Having heard that, it was immediately clear I had to leave and find a way to the top dog himself. How could I settle for anything less? Little did I know what being in the company of a great realiser would entail! 12. Many devotees maintain the notion that the ego is progressively relinquished in stages (as described by Adi Da). They also claim they now have greater self- understanding and a greater capability for relinquishing the ego than they did when they first became devotees. So be it. I must confess that I feel the same way, AND I feel I am the same dumb schmuck I was all those years ago. Writing this essay in the hope that it might be of value to devotees is clear evidence of the latter! 13. I use the word “fundamentalist” here to mean a strict adherence to any set of basic ideas or principles that are not to be questioned, or at least only to a certain point after which a person must concede to a presumed higher authority. In Adidam, the word “discrimination” is often used as a basis for inquiring into such matters, but my experience is that it is mostly used to avoid a full consideration which must include inquiry into Adidam itself. Incidentally, when a person recognises he or she is a fundamentalist then that person is no longer a fundamentalist (thanks to Gordy for this lucid musing). Oh, and yes, I was a fundamentalist as well, otherwise I would not have become a devotee of Adi Da in the first place! One’s strength is more often than not also one’s liability.

27 14. During one of the many austere periods I remember facing tables of raw food each day for dinner with other devotes waxing lyrical about the wonderful cuisine before us. At the end I would go down to the local fast-food store (with a similar- minded fellow devotee, bless his soul) and gorge on hamburgers. I was rather naïve about my place in all of this. I have since learnt that a number of devotees, then practicing at higher levels of practice, had been secretly doing a lot worse for a lot longer. Narcissus in his or her finest moments! 15. As written in the Preface, such a position is completely valid given the basic tenet here that a real devotee does not disagree with the guru. Can a person be a devotee of Adi Da and disagree with him? Yes AND No! 16. For a really enjoyable read on the subject of leaving a spiritual cult get Ian Blair Hamilton’s book Awake Among the Sleeping. I have known Ian for nearly twenty years and his guru is definitely not as highly realised as my guru, but dammit, Ian’s writings are heaps more entertaining than mine. Bugger! 17. Signing a document incorporating an eternal vow to worship Adi Da as the God- man and liberator of all beings, is a required part of becoming a formal devotee. 18. I am reminded of the words of a wonderful song entitled Lost in a Lost World by the Moody Blues from their album Seventh Sojourn: ‘I woke up today I was crying, lost in a lost world.’ 19. Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) is a recognised 12-step support group for those wanting to be free of co-dependent relationships. Its basic principles are adapted from the better-known Alcoholics Anonymous. Ironically, each sharing of CoDA begins with the same mantra that meetings in Adidam used to begin with: “My name is so-and-so and I am a (recovering) co-dependent.” 20. In my years as a formal devotee I would denounce anyone else’s declaration of any level of realization greater than that of the ego. Not because I really knew one way or the other, but because it was one of the core “practices” of the Adidam culture. It was a sort of nihilism (not to mention righteousness), and it killed the qualities of true relational intimacy and freedom. I still have no clear idea what ‘blessing presence’ means or represents ( I haven’t thought about it for many years in any case), yet I now use this expression here as the best way to describe what I experienced in that room. Oh, and frankly, I don’t give a rat’s ass whether my description concurs with anyone else’s view of what it represents! 21. She, the sister, inspired me to compose (and later record) a song titled In God’s Hands. Who knows, that song might even have been inspired by a “higher power”!? Go to http://www.ionnah.com/music/sweet_indulgence.htm and click “music samples”, then “In God’s Hands”, to hear the song as recorded by Ionnah on their CD Sweet Indulgence. I suspect that in the culture of Adidam the song would be considered a clear representation of the ego. 22. Google “miracle centre byron bay” and go for it! I wrote an essay on the Miracle Centre but that was years ago and I’m too embarrassed to include it here. However, you could read Ian Hamilton’s Book Awake Among the Sleeping.16 23. Adi Da uses the term ‘self-contraction’ (as in a clenched fist) to describe a fundamental act of humans that negates their natural openness and vulnerability (as in the open-handed position). The self-contraction manifests as a multitude of behavioural patterns, defensiveness being a major one.

28 24. I use “the” mind here rather than “my” mind because the mind doesn’t belong to me. It’s not mine. Actually, nothing belongs to me. Either because there is no me or there is a me but the mind and everything else belongs to someone else. Let’s face it, the real problem is that I have an obsession with buts, but I am overcoming it by using ands instead. My girlfriend has a great but. She uses it everywhere she goes. Go figure. 25. I wonder if this is something like what Adi Da means when he says ‘There is no one else’? 26. john david, now known as Premananda, was a devotee of Papaji who in turn was a devotee of Ramana Maharshi. Go to http://www.premanandasatsang.org/ to see what he is on about. Also, visit www.chilli.net.au/~opensky/satsang/satsang_india/index2.htm to see an early (uncompleted) web site I put together of that journey. 27. Prasad refers to the guru’s blessing and is often enacted in physical form through the giving of a gift such as a sweet. 28. Go to http://home.exetel.com.au/eddieblatt/cv/film.htm to view the video I recorded of Maharaj sitting on the side of his bed giving his message to the people of Sydney. 29. Adi Da claims he is the only being to have realised the ultimate truth in what he calls the seventh stage of life. He has further declared that the closest realisation to his own came in the form of Ramana Maharshi whom he considered to have resided in the sixth stage of life with some premonitions of the seventh stage. Adi Da also asserts that formal membership of the community of his devotees is the only way for someone to realise the seventh stage of life. Do I “believe” all this? Well, actually, I don’t “believe” anything. I either experience something or I don’t. And if I do occasionally stray into forms of belief, I no longer take them seriously. Just like thought patterns. So, I don’t know if Adi Da’s claims are true or not. These days, I feel such questions are a waste of time, just like most questions around spirituality and enlightenment. The only worthwhile question is one that immediately cuts away the wanting of an answer. 30. There are many teachers traveling throughout the western world whose teachings stem from those of Ramana Maharshi; e.g., Gangagi, Isaac Shapiro, john david. 31. In response to a friend’s ditty about the difficulties of using language to communicate the paradoxical nature of truth and reality, I wrote a paragraph about my scientific perspective on the creation of complexity where there really is only absolute simplicity: Truth or reality is that which cannot be further simplified. Complexity is created by the processes of observation and/or analysis which actually generates differentiation and the world of form. Scientists don’t know they are creating a complexity of ideas and things that do not exist in reality. Some use the word “mind” to describe this mechanism. Quantum physics always points to this understanding, but it seems one has to go through a "spiritual" awakening to absolutely know it. 32. Confusion says: Man who knows everything knows nothing, and man who knows nothing surely knows nothing. So know everything and you will no nothing. 33. “Truth-realisation” is a term that Jed McKenna uses in his trilogy of books beginning with Spiritual Enlightenment – The Damndest Thing. I grok with this

29 expression in preference to other ones such as “God-realisation” and “Enlightenment”, but let’s not let a little thing like god come between us. More about Jed McKenna later! (Oh, and if you don’t know what the word “grok” means, you probably haven’t read Robert Heinlein’s masterpiece Stranger In A Strange Land; in which case, put down this essay, get a copy and READ IT!) Using words to describe reality and the process of its realisation requires practice, tremendous lucidity, and, of course, its actual realisation. Try telling someone who has had no association with Jewish culture, let alone even met a Jew, what the word “chutzpah” represents and you will know exactly what I mean! 34. The type of men’s culture I am talking about in this essay is not the type typically associated with men’s associations; e.g., the Pink Pussycat Club, the Collingwood football club or the water-buffalos that Fred Flinstone and Barney Rubble belonged to in Bedrock. I am referring here to a culture based on the incarnation of the masculine principle of the Divine. 35. I was reticent about joining the David Deida men’s group in Byron Bay for some months, probably due to that notion about not joining a group that would have me as a member. Or maybe it was simply fear?! In any case, my girlfriend at the time kept insisting so I finally took the plunge and joined. Within a month we had split up… compatibility issues! 36. Adi Da uses the word “consideration” to mean a full and complete evaluation of a particular circumstance till the basis of any obstruction becomes clear. The Sanskrit word “Sanyama” closely resembles this meaning. 37. David Deida has outlined a series of practices that foster conscious growth, both personally and collectively. These include bodily and relational exercises, as well as practices with women in mixed-group events. I have attended evening and week-end workshops run by David Deida, as well as one facilitated by William Tsikanos, a mentor of David Deida and himself a devotee of Adi Da. 38. Jed McKenna, Spiritual Enlightenment – The Damndest Thing. 39. I still do, but, then, no more or less than anyone else! I remember operating the Adidam stall (or Free Daist as the organisation was then known) at the Byron Bay market in the early 90’s. I was aghast at how devotees of Osho would occasionally drop by and wax lyrical with stars in their eyes about their guru and how they live all this love and freedom. What the fuck were they talking about? If they wanted the real McCoy then, hey folks, they would have to be accountable and come on board with a real ass-kicker! ‘Dead gurus can’t kick ass’, right? 40. from The Incarnation of Love, p229. In this regard, Adi Da has humorously referred to his devotees as the ‘mlecchas’ of the world, a derogatory Sanskrit word referring to barbarians incapable of conforming to higher-order spiritual practices. 41. Why don’t Australian men get hemorrhoids? Because they’re perfect assholes. 42. Go to http://www.ionnah.com. 43. While I was living in the Melbourne Adidam community I decided to sell my house and use part of the money to buy a Honda CRX sports car (and another part to set up a business with devotees!). The flak I received was staggering. All of a sudden I was accused from many quarters of being anti-community. My previous car could fit five people

30 in it, whereas the sports car only two (for my girlfriend and me!!), which meant transport to the ashram on Sundays for other devotees would have to be found. The treasurer also began playing hard-ball trying to extract more money for the guru claiming I had made capital gains on my house. (Hey, I wonder if anyone reading this will believe I am not making it up?) Oh, and the community business never got off the ground. I was, and remain, a hopeless businessman, and the making of money in Adidam by cooperative means was unadventurous… and considered in the main to be spiritually unimportant anyway! 44. A free copy of my CD Sweet Indulgence to the person who finds the origin of this sentence! 45. Try reading The Dawn Horse Testament or many of the revised editions of Adi Da’s books to get a feel for what I mean. 46. After the satsang event a number of people came up to me and told me they felt the same way! 47. Divine Ignorance is a term Adi Da uses to describe the natural place of freedom in one who has gone beyond the presumption of knowledge. He has instructed his devotees to consider any object or thing and ask the question “What is it?” in order to temporarily relieve one of the false identification with the mind and thus the “knowing” of anything. This enquiry is similar to Ramana Maharshi’s “Who am I?” and has similarities to zen koans. It is also a theme that is abundantly developed in A Course in Miracles. I prefer self-enquiry in the form: (1) What the fuck would I know? (2) And who gives a shit, anyway? I highly recommend this novel approach to ego-transcendence. If after thirty years or so of this practice you are still identified as the ego, then clearly you didn’t practice it properly. (Send me $500 in an envelope and I will show you the proper practice as outlined in the only by me given 8th stage of life.) 48. Self-understanding is a term used by Adi Da to describe the process of taking responsibility for one’s act of separation. The search for union is what occurs after this separative act. “Spiritual” seekers are no different. 49. I have been told that Adi Da quite recently acknowledged the failure of his teachings to liberate his devotees. I cannot authenticate the veracity of this information. Hell, I don’t even know if what I am writing here has anything to do with the truth whatsoever. 50. I include here the following teachers who significantly affected me: john david (Premananda); Hans Raj Maharaj; David Deida; Osho; God; Adyashanti. 51. The internet address is: http://www.learnoutloud.com/Resources/Authors-and- Narrators/Jed-McKenna/7774. It seems to be the only one attributed to the real Jed McKenna. Every avenue I have tried to find out more about Jed McKenna has ended in a dead-end. Who knows, he may not even exist. Perhaps he is an impostor, pulling off one of the great hoaxes of all time. If that is so, what a great fucking fraud it all was! I remember Adi Da once saying to his devotees that even if everything he (Adi Da) says is bullshit what an incredible way to live! 52. In a sense this is no different to the messages contained in A Course in Miracles, or what Adi Da and many other teachers have communicated. 53. So that there is no misunderstanding about Jed McKenna’s communication, the “kick-in-the-pants” part of truth-realisation is not glossed over! On the contrary, I

31 feel it very forcefully expressed, and very unmistakably received, a capability I acquired over the years from the master of ass-kickers himself! 54. Boxer, the cart-horse in George Orwell’s spoof of the Russian Revolution, was the stoic and loyal comrade who worked himself into the glue factory through unrelenting dedication and hard-work. He never questioned the leader, Napoleon the pig, instead submitting to his every direction. Boxer’s two mottos were ‘I will work harder’ and ‘Napoleon is always right.’ 55. This statement by Adi Da meant that because his devotees were so hopelessly egoic and had no chance of realizing the divine if left to their own devices, they would have to hold-on to him in whatever way they could manage. 56. The Greek derivative of the word “sin” means to miss the mark, a vastly different meaning to the Judeo/Christian interpretation! “Avoiding Relationship?” is the one of Adi Da’s ten great questions (the main one) to be used during meditation much like Ramana Maharshi’s enquiry “Who am I”? 57. Darshan is a Sanskrit term meaning “sight”. It is used in spiritual communities to mean sighting of the guru. 58. Adi Da has claimed to be the only and never-to-be repeated fully realised seventh stage teacher. Others may realise the seventh stage of life but they will not be teachers in their own right. Rather, they will be conduits for Adi Da himself. Avatar also means the incarnation of the Divine in human form. 59. It seems appealing to weigh up the teachings of different teachers and come to a considered conclusion on the validity of each. Many call this process intelligent discrimination. It could be if one was priorly committed to follow through whatever the outcome. Otherwise it’s just blowing off hot air. For an incredible insight into what being truly committed to possible outcomes is, read George Cockcroft’s The Dice Man. In that book the hero Luke Rhinehart makes all life decisions based on the casting of a dice, sometmes pitting going down to the corner shop with raping the woman downstairs. Jed McKenna finds Moby-Dick ‘the most spiritual book he has ever read’ (Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment, p.66) – I reckon The Dice Man is up there as well. 60. I recall while on retreat Adi Da was relentlessly asking us retreatants who we thought he was. His response to our efforts was always negative and angry. I was the letter-writer and I finally took the bull by the horn and wrote that we actually did not know who he was. There was no response! 61. Our entire community would meet every two weeks or so to discuss all issues associated with Adidam in what was euphemistically called “town meetings.” I often organized these meetings. The numbers of devotees attending were diminishing and on one occasion in response to a question of mine regarding why this diminishment was occurring a devotee walking by responded with ‘I’d rather have a nail up my ass.’ In and of itself that’s not particularly funny. However, he was an American chap and the way he pronounced ‘ass’, as per donkey rather than the anglo-English ‘arse’, made me laugh rather intensely. A rare occurrence given my very serious nature at the time!

32 APPENDIX I Conversation with Adyashanti - A&I Hall, Bangalow, NSW, 18 Oct, 2007.

Me: You spoke before about the fractured and unfractured mind and I noticed that while you were talking I felt unfractured, which is wonderful. Thank you for that. But I also noticed when this gentleman came up that I started to get fractured, and I was wondering… it happens a lot to me when someone comes from, my perception, of really from the mind. There is just no peace. It’s like this convolution of mind and I don’t know how to deal with it. I get very fidgety and I want to go, just look, enough! Just be quiet. I’ve had enough of all this…. stuff like that. Adyashanti: Oh wonderful, what great information. Just give it to yourself. (laughter) Isn’t that what you want in that moment? Do you see what I mean? To me that’s a wonderful thing, you see. It’s a beautiful thing. Because there can be something that triggers fidgety in one’s own mind. Right? Whether somebody else is in their mind or they’re not in their mind, ultimately, if our mind can only be at peace when somebody else’s mind is at peace, we’re not really free, are we? Me: No. Adyashanti: No. And so you’ve given yourself… the thing that we want others to do is always the voice inside us that’s talking to ourselves. Is it not? Me: Yes. Adyashanti: In the east they call it the inner teacher, the inner guru, Sat-guru. Ah. (slowly) Can there be stillness right in the middle, stillness here…. even when it is perceived that somebody or something is in their mind. You’re telling me that YOU don’t want to be in your mind when somebody else is or isn’t in theirs…. caught in their mind. So what does it feel like when you receive back what you’re really telling yourself? Me: (long pause) Discomfort. Adyashanti: Yes. Me: Trying to get somewhere else, feel something else to what I am currently feeling. Adyashanti: That trying to feel something else to what’s currently being felt, isn’t that itself what causes the turmoil inside? Me: I already feel there’s a gratitude to people who do this to me coz they’re obviously showing me something that those that are quiet don’t anymore. (laughter) Adyashanti: Yes, exactly. Yes. Me: And I still don’t know how to deal with it. Adyashanti: Yes, but there it is again, you see, there is your wisdom speaking to you but it’s not speaking the language you expect. You expect it to say “here’s how to do it”, right? That’s what we’re taught, but your wisdom is saying “I don’t know how to do it.” Now what if you actually let it in? You know it. You let it in enough to hear it. What if you let it in, not just in your mind, but in your body? (slowly) Oh, I don’t know how. Me: (long pause) There’s a peace, a sort of surrender. Adyashanti: Yes. This moment, now you are in harmony with what you know. You know that you don’t know what to do, and so you are in harmony. You get the sense? So then, the next moment or the next time, it’s perceived that someone is in their mind, and possibly the old mind rises up; ‘oh gosh, it’s making me feel what do I do, what can I do… I don’t know.’ And not just knowing it in your mind but actually letting your body feel it coz that’s the… aaahh. We’re not taught that not knowing has any value, are we?

33 You don’t go to school and go, ‘Oh Johnny, you don’t know. Very good. There’s a lot of value in that. (laughter) Congratulations.’ No, we are taught just the opposite. You don’t know? You’ll fail. You have failed. That’s by and large what we’re taught. And so, even when your wisdom speaks to you (pause), we are not taught to value it. That in not knowing can be an incredible gift. Me: It’s funny because I find those three words the most important in my life “I don’t know” and yet I’m not using it completely. I’m not using it in every moment when it could be of tremendous value. Adyashanti: When it’s speaking to you. Don’t use it to apply on top of things but when it speaks to you from inside of you. And remember where the information really needs to get isn’t just in your head. It needs to get into your body coz in your head it can create more turmoil. Right? I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do and t bounces around. Then, wait a minute, aahh, what’s the experience of not knowing? Me: I find the breath part of the process. It’s only when I breathe it that I then start to feel it go throughout my body, otherwise it just stays in my head. Adyashanti: Wonderful, yes. It’s a great way to put it, breathe it. Wonderful. Breathe that kind of knowing even if you don’t know. Me: Thank you. Adyashanti (ponderously): Great. You see, for me the ground of being is always in the same place. The ground of being is always unconditional acceptance of what is. That’s it. That’s reality. That’s where reality lives, unconditional acceptance of what is. Unconditional, which means unconditional. (laughter) And as soon as we move away from an unconditional acceptance of what is then some amount of confusion starts, doesn’t it? Again, because there is so little understanding that that is birth. That is where incredible beauty and incredible intelligence arises, from an unconditional acceptance of what is. Which is basically when your inner teacher tells you “I don’t know. How do I calm my mind down. I don’t know it tells you!” And if you let it in, aahh, I don’t know, it’s just a different word for an unconditional acceptance of what is. I don’t know. And then there is an intelligence, you see? It’s the same thing with communication. As soon as we get completely out of the mental structure, absolutely out of it, even the mind that’s saying “I am trying to communicate from truth”; as soon as we get that energy out of the level of being then there’s resting, residing in the being itself. In the depth of being there’s nothing in there that says “I know how to do this.” There’s just being. It’s unconditional acceptance, and from that ground – this is a hard thing to get across till you experience it - from that ground, from a total surrender, complete letting go into the ground of being (pause) then this other intelligence begins to operate. This (pause) extraordinary way of being. (pause) It’s like a lot of things; about the time that you totally surrendered from trying to do something right, all of a sudden it’s happening. And you don’t know how it’s happening, but it happens from that space of total surrender of trying to do it right. And then… boom, it happens. Okay.

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