163
Chapter 10: Communicating in Close Relationships
Chapter Goals Develop a definition of close relationships and the ways in which they vary. Discuss the communication in friendships, romantic relationships, and families. Understand explanations for communication in close relationships. Identify two factors affecting communication in close relationships and explain their impact. Demonstrate a variety of skills and techniques to enhance and maintain your communication in close relationships.
Outline I. Defining Communication in Close Relationships A. Relationships give importance and meaning to people’s lives. B. Abraham Maslow’s (1968) famous Hierarchy of Needs is an illustration of how people’s needs are ranked in importance. C. Communication is central to relationships. II. Understanding Close Relationships A. Hinde (1995) defined close relationships in terms of ten factors. B. Hinde’s list allows us to form a beginning definition of a relationship. C. Relationships as cultural performances 1. Baxter and Braithwaite (2002) assert that marriages (and, by extension, all relationships) are cultural performances. 2. Relationships are both defined and enacted in the culture that surrounds them. D. Relationships as cognitive constructs 1. Some research examines the notion of relationship scripts-- cognitive structures that contain a pattern for the key events that we expect in a relationship (Holmberg & MacKenzie, 2002). 2. Wilmot (1995) also takes this approach, arguing that close relationships exist when both participants have a mental construct of the relationship. E. Relationships as linguistic constructions 1. Giving a relationship a label (friendship, love, and so forth) helps us to feel “in relationship” to another. 2. Language has not always kept pace with our relationships. F. Relationships, culture, and gender 1. What defines a close relationship and influences what’s appropriate to say and do within one has to do with the partners’ shared understandings, roles, and rituals that are unique to their relationship (Turner & West, 2006). 2. This perspective does not deny that sex and gender make a difference in our definitions of close relationships. III. Types of Close Relationships A. Friendship 164
1.Unlike most family relationships, friendship is voluntary. 2.Friendships provide social support, companionship, and validation. B. Romantic relationships 1. Although couples break up and divorce, romantic partners are supposed to exhibit commitment. 2. Relational scripts influence communication in romantic relationships. C. Families 1. distinctive because for many members the close relationship is life-long. 2. There is some controversy concerning how to define a family. 3. Ritual is an important family communication practice. IV. Explaining Communication in Close Relationships A. Systems Theory (vonBertalanffy, 1968); relationships are compared to living systems, which have six important properties: wholeness, interdependence, hierarchy, boundaries or openness, calibration or feedback, and equifinality. B. Dialectics theory (introduced in ch. 8) 1. This approach focuses on the tensions that relational partners feel as a result of desiring both poles of a contradiction. 2. common relational dialectics include: autonomy and connection, openness and protection, novelty and predictability 3. additional dialectics found in friendships include: judgment and acceptance, affection and instrumentality, public and private, ideal and real C. Social exchange theories 1. These theories assume that when costs exceed rewards, people will leave the relationship, if possible, and the next assumption clarifies this by asserting that people are thinking rationally most of the time, so they can calculate what the costs and rewards might be. 2. Thibaut and Kelley’s (1959) theory of interdependence builds on these assumptions and adds ingredients from systems theory. D. Stage models: one step at a time 1. Unlike the previous three models, stage models are concerned with how relationships develop and how communication changes as we deepen or weaken our relational ties with one another. 2. Of the many stage models, the best known is probably one that describes relational life and was originated by Mark Knapp (1978). 3. Some people have criticized all stage models for presenting a linear picture of relationship development. IV. Choices in Communicating in Close Relationships A. Gender – close relationships are just another context in which gender differences (or perceived differences) have an impact. B. It should come as no surprise that culture plays a role in how we communicate in close relationships – and even in how we define close relationships. V. Communicating in Close Relationships: The Dark Side A. Some close relationships are toxic and unhealthy. B. In addition to relationships that are completely toxic, all relationships can have negative phases or be characterized for a time by negative communication patterns. VI. Communicating in Close Relationships: The Bright Side 165
A. Positivity in communicating to relational partners is extremely important. B. As a result of sharing a history together, people in close relationships often develop inside jokes or private idioms. C. Knapp and Vangelisti (2005) observe that private languages are perhaps the most important distinction between the communication of those in close relationships and those who have more casual acquaintances. VII. Choices in Communicating in Close Relationships A. Communication skills for beginning relationships include: networking, offering, approaching, sustaining, and affinity seeking. B. Communication skills for maintaining relationships include: openness, supportiveness, and using humor. C. Communication skills for repairing relationships include metacommunication and apology.
Terms for Review accounts affection and instrumentality dialectic affinity seeksing apology approaching autonomy and connection dialectic avoiding stage bonding stage boundaries of openness calibration circumscribing stage comparison level comparison level alternatives corrective maintenance costs cyclic alternation differentiating stage disqualifying equifinality experimenting stage external dialectics hierarchy ideal and dialectic imagined conversations initiating stage integrating stage integration intensifying stage 166 interdependence internal dialectics judgment and acceptance dialectic long-terms attraction metacommunication negative feedback networking neutralizing novelty and predictability dialectic offering openness and protection positive feedback preventative maintenance public and private dialectic recalibrated reframing relationship relationship scripts rewards segmentation selection short-term attraction small talk stagnating stage subsystems suprasystems sustaining terminating stage wholeness
Student Activities
1. Directions: Read through the personal ads of the local newspaper, dating website, or dating service to get a sense of what people look for in a partner.
Construct you own personal ad, assuming that there is no space limitation. In the ad, indicate what love style you prefer from an intimate partner. Also include in the ad your preference for autonomy or connection for a partner, novelty or predictability, and openness or closedness and your own tendencies in these dialectics. Because readers of the ad might not understand these terms, be sure to phrase your ad in an understandable way (This exercise taken from Cole, Kobland, & Wood, 2004). 167
2. Directions: Identify a close friend or romantic partner. The person should be one with whom you did or do have a satisfying close relationship. Answer the questions to describe central features of a satisfying relationship in your life (This exercise adapted from North & Wood, 2006).
A. Investments What have you invested? What has the other person invested? B. Commitment How certain are you that the two of you will remain in a close relationship? To what extent do the two of you talk about a shared future or future plans?
C. Trust How much do you feel you can rely on your friend/partner to do what s/he says s/he will do? How much do you count on your friend/partner to look out for you and your welfare?
D. Relational Dialectics How do you manage needs for autonomy and connection? How do you manage needs for novelty and predictability? How do you manage needs for openness and closedness?
3. Directions: Use the chart below to make a cost-benefit analysis of a relationship you are now experiencing. On the basis of this analysis, what is your prognosis for the future of the relationship? (This exercise taken from Gamble & Gamble, 2002)
COSTS BENEFITS 1. 1.
2. 2.
3. 3.
4. 4.
5. 5.
6. 6.
7. 7.
8. 8.
9. 9. 168
10. 10.
11. 11.
12. 12.
4. Directions: Ask the person whom you had in mind for the above chart if he or she would be willing to fill in the same chart from his or her perspective. Engage in a productive discussion (using all the skills you’ve recently encountered through this class) about any differences or similarities in your perspectives.
COSTS BENEFITS 1. 1.
2. 2.
3. 3.
4. 4.
5. 5.
6. 6.
7. 7.
8. 8.
9. 9.
10. 10.
11. 11.
12. 12. 169
Interactive Activities 10.1 Relationship Communication Quiz http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl
Instructions: How effective is your communication in relationships? The way we relate to others in an intimate relationship is described by the attachment theory. For a personalized assessment of your attachment style, complete the online Attachment Style Questionnaire: Experiences in Close Relationships, Revised.
1. What do you think about your results? Do they seem to describe you accurately?
2. What do you think of the summary and graph? Did they help you understand your attachment style?
10.2 Assessing Close Relationships http://www.thedoctorwillseeyounow.com/articles/feature/behavior/clrel_1/
Psychology professor Ann Weber, Ph.D., created this website, The Psychology of Close Relationships, as a step-by-step learning tool that may help you better understand your close relationships with others. In addition to interesting content, this site also includes two assessment tests.
To learn more about the psychology of close relationships, take this online mini-course that includes two exercises for you to complete. Keep in mind that, as the author of this site states, an assessment like this is just a summary of your knowledge and skills—it doesn’t really tell us anything we didn’t already know.
10.3 Knapp’s Relational Stages Model http://novaonline.nv.cc.va.us/eli/spd110td/interper/stages/models.html
This Northern Virginia Community College website explains three popular models of relational development: Knapp’s Relational Stages Model, DeVito’s Six-Stage Model, and Duck’s Model of Relational Dissolution. It also includes a link to strategies for terminating relationships. 170
1. How does Knapp’s model differ from DeVito’s relational model?
2. It can be disheartening to analyze the stages of relationship dissolution, especially if you’ve gone through some bad breakups. How do you feel about the coming apart stages?
10.4 Unhealthy Relationships http://www.charmeck.org/Departments/CMPD/Investigative+Services/Criminal+Investigations/ Domestic+Violence+Unit/Unhealthy+Relationship's+Characteristics.htm
To review a list of characteristics of an unhealthy relationship, take a look at the Charlotte- Mecklenburg Police Department’s website. Police officers often see the worst of relationships, so they are a good source of information for how to recognize characteristics that can create or maintain a toxic relationship. Notice the differences between the unhealthy and healthy relationship characteristics.
1. Can you identify with any of these characteristics?
2. How could you use this information to help you improve your existing relationships and avoid potentially toxic or dangerous relationships?
InfoTrac College Edition Activities
10.1 Who Are You Closer To Emotionally?
“Close Emotional Relationships with Women versus Men: A Qualitative Study of 56 Heterosexual Men Living in an Inner-City Neighborhood” by Lynne I. Wagner-Raphael, David Wyatt Seal, and Anke A. Ehrhardt The Journal of Men’s Studies, Winter 2001
This article studies close male-male relationships versus male-female relationships, self- 171 disclosure and emotional closeness.
Given that men and women often differ in what they expect of a relationship, when it comes to emotional closeness, do you think a man would prefer communicating with a women or another man? The information in this research article, “Close Emotional Relationships with Women versus Men,” might surprise you. Take a close look at the results, where each research question is answered.
1. In your same- and opposite-sex relationships, who do you feel closer to emotionally?
2. Does this situation affect your disclosure? How? What things do you talk about?
10.2 Emotions and Social Exchange
“Bringing Emotions into Social Exchange Theory” by Edward J. Lawler and Shane R. Thye Annual Review of Sociology, Annual 1999
Emotion can be an important factor in the social exchange theory of costs and rewards. This article relates emotion and the emotional process to the theory. The article “Bringing Emotions into Social Exchange Theory” attempts to show how the consideration of emotions and the emotional process can benefit the social exchange theory.
1. As you’ve learned in Chapter 10 of your textbook, social exchange theory addresses the costs and rewards in a relationship. Make a list of what a particular relationship in your life costs you. Now list the rewards you gain from that relationship.
2. Apply emotion to your list of costs and rewards. How do your emotions affect the costs and rewards of your relationship? 172
Your Turn Journal Activity In your journal, spend two weeks collecting metaphors you hear in daily conversation referring to relationships. You can gather metaphors from television or other popular media as well as from conversations you participate in or overhear. For instance, if you hear a friend say that they had to break up with someone because “they were stuck in a rut,” that would be a metaphor. The relationship partners weren’t literally stuck in a rut—that’s a figurative way of describing the feeling your friend had in the relationship. At the end of the two weeks, look over your metaphors and answer the following questions: How do metaphors guide our thinking about relationships? How do metaphors influence the way we actually communicate in our relationships? 173
Quiz
True or False 1. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs places our social needs at the top level. (p.338) True or False
2. The diversity of interactions has to do with the number of different experiences people have together. (p.341) True or False
3. Relationships as cultural performances means relationships consist of the ongoing process between partners. (p. 342) True or False
4. Cognitive structures that contain a pattern for the key events that we expect in a relationship are known as relationship scripts. (p. 343) True or False
5. According to Lakoff & Johnson (1980), metaphors and similes help us understand relationships by comparing them to other phenomena. (p. 344) True or False
6. Differences between men and women have little influence on our interpersonal relationships. (p. 346) True or False
7. In systems theory, wholeness means that you can’t understand a system by simply picking it apart and understanding each of its parts in isolation from one another. (p. 352) True or False
8. In systems theory, boundaries or openness means that human systems are closed off from one another. (p.353) True or False
9. The dialectics of novelty and predictability has to do with how often you and your partner give each other gifts unexpectedly. (p. 356) True or False
10. The tension between judgment and acceptance involves criticizing a friend as opposed to accepting a friend for who she is. (p. 356) True or False 174
11. Rather than providing a large framework for understanding communication in close relationships, social exchange theories are more specific. (p. 358) True or False
12. A person’s standard level for what types of costs and rewards should exist in a given relationship is called a comparison level. (p. 359) True or False
Multiple Choice Questions
1. Emily and Stacey have been friends since elementary school and now they attend the same college. Although they don’t room together, they are still friends. One day when they saw each other in the dining hall, Stacey called out to Emily by her childhood nickname. Emily was eating with some new friends including a boy who she was interested in dating and Stacey’s outburst caused her great embarrassment. This illustrates the dialectical tension between: (p. 356) A. judgment and acceptance B. affection and instrumentality C. internal and external dialectics D. public and private
2. Ellen and Howard had been dating for almost a year. Howard still found Ellen attractive but now that he was at a different school he was making many new friends and Ellen always seemed to be calling with some crisis or another that to Howard were very minor issues. He felt as though returning her calls was a burden and an obligation. Ellen felt Howard was no longer being supportive or interested in her affairs while Howard no longer felt he gained anything by dating Ellen long distance. Their situation is best illustrated by what kind of theory? (p. 358) A. systems theory B. dialectics theory C. social exchange theory D. management of meaning theory
3. Howard keeps finding excuses not to visit Ellen and keeps telling his roommate he’s not in when she calls. This is an example of which stage of coming apart according to Knapp’s model of relationship development? (p. 361). A. circumscribing B. stagnating C. avoiding D. terminating 175
4. When Ren Li and Jon started dating, Jon was pleased to learn Ren Li also enjoyed cooking and suggested they cook dinner together. Jon’s suggestion of cooking together illustrates his wanting to enter which stage of coming together in Knapp’s model? (p.361) A. bonding B. intensifying C. integrating D. initiating
5. The final stage in the coming together part of Knapp’s model is: (p. 361) A. bonding B. intensifying C. integrating D. initiating
6. The first stage in the coming apart section of the model is: (p. 361) A. differentiating B. circumscribing C. stagnating D. avoiding
7. If a relationship stagnates for too long, the partners may decide that the relationship is unpleasant and as a result, they move to: (p. 365) A. differentiating B. circumscribing C. stagnating D. avoiding
8. The ability to achieve the same goals (or ends) by a variety of means is called: (p. 355) A. compatibility B. machiavelliness C. equifinality D. mutual equality
9. Sometimes relationships need adjustment to accommodate changing needs of the parties. This type of resetting the rules of a relationship is called: (p. 354) A. feedback B. calibrating C. recalibrating D. equifinality
10. Perry wanted to ask Kayla on a date. Perry had a class with Michelle who he knew was a good friend of Kayla’s, so he made a point of leaving class at the same time in order to talk to Michelle and get information about Kayla. This skill for beginning a relationship is called: (p. 176
368) A. approaching B. offering C. networking D. affinity seeking
11. Behaving in a way that keeps an initial conversation going, such as asking questions is referred to as: (p. 369) A. facilitating B. sustaining C. including D. confirming
12. Dynamism, optimism, openness, and supportiveness are all types of: (p. 369) A. affinity-seeking strategies B. bonding strategies C. maintenance strategies D. conflict-prevention strategies
13. Making descriptive comments rather than evaluative comments are excellent examples of this type of communication climate: (p. 370) A. selective B. subordinate C. supportive D. colorful
14. Although Kate apologized, she offered no ______or an explanation for her transgression. (p. 373) A. account B. elaboration C. remorse D. satisfaction
15. ______are those things in relational life that we judge as negative, while______are those parts of being in a relationship that we find pleasurable. (p. 358) A. Rewards, costs B. Costs, parties C. Parties, rewards D. Costs, rewards 177
Essay Questions (some questions taken from Cole, Kobland, & Wood, 2004)
1. Think of a time when you had to negotiate intimacy (kissing, hugging, safe sex, etc.). What relationship dialectics were present? How did you and your partner negotiate the tensions?
2. How do you think communication in a long-distance relationship might differ from a romantic relationship in which you and a partner are geographically together? Be specific.
3. Describe a friendship you have with a member of the other sex. Analyze the extent to which it conforms to the gender patterns described in your text. 178
5. Describe a friendship you have with a member of your sex. Analyze the extent to which it conforms to the gender patterns described in your text.
6. Discuss and provide examples of the three suggestions in your text of communication skills for repairing relationships. 179
Answers to Quiz
True or False
1. False 2. True 3. True 4. True 5. True 6. False 7. True 8. False 9. False 10. True 11. True 12. True
Multiple Choice Questions
1. D 2. C 3. C 4. B 5. A 6. A 7. D 8. C 9. C 10. C 11. B 12. A 13. C 14. A 15. D 180