Rewriting Your Novel Workshop. PNWA, February 14, 2010 Robert J. Ray

Ray: Wknd Novelist Rewrites Novel, 2010 1

Rewriting Your Novel Workshop. PNWA, February 14, 2010 – Robert J. Ray

Turn off cell phones please! Writing practice: three rules from Natalie Goldberg  keep the hand moving  don’t stop to think  let yourself go deep

1. Warmup writing – I am rewriting a novel about a character who wants…..  reading in two’s  reading to the room

Mini-Lecture: fix your subplots early.  plot tracks your protagonist; subplots track major characters (antag, etc.)  To fix a subplot, peel it away from the plot and from other subplots  List the scenes; Rewrite each scene, using tools for speed, depth, and efficiency Question: where do the subplots start in your novel?

2. Writing: Page One and After Prompt: My novel opens in a (setting) where my Character A discovers…. (alt. prompt: is dying to, runs from, takes a hit from, staggers through a, shoots a, kisses her lover/husband/child/mother and then…, cries because…., screams when she….)  Reading in two’s and three’s  reading to the room (Identify Subplots)

Model: Page One and After from Amsterdam READ THE SAMPLE PAGE ALOUD Analysis – who’s onstage? what are they doing? why are they there? how’s the style? Let’s focus, starting with concrete detail 1. Style: call out concrete nouns 2. Characters and Roles: call out character names – who’s the protagonist? who’s the antagonist? how many helpers? how will these people move the novel to climax? 3. Scene and drama: define the closed circles; identify the intruders (Definition: a closed circle is a sacred space inside an enclosure made by a physical barrier, like a crime scene defined by yellow ribbons, or a castle inside stone walls, or two friends talking in a café, or a cocktail party the intruder is a character who gets inside the closed circle to create drama  if you walk in on teenagers doing something naughty, you’re the intruder  if your teacher walks in on you whispering to a pal, she’s the intruder  if a naked man slices a yellow crime scene ribbon with a machete, he’s the intruder

Baby Steps: let’s define the closed circles and intruders for Amsterdam, then we’ll sort out roles Ray: Wknd Novelist Rewrites Novel, 2010 2

Closed Circles and Intruders: 1) Molly Lane is inside the crematorium, inside her closed circle of fire and ashes. In the past, she admitted lovers into her closed circle. 2) At the memorial, Vernon and Clive, both jilted by Molly, form their own closed circle of sad jilted lovers. George Lane, the husband, is the intruder: he uses the American ex-lover to penetrate their circle of bitter remembrance. 3) Lover C, the British Foreign Secretary, pulls Clive into his closed circle of fawning admirers. Feeling the discomfort of Lover C’s turf, Clive insults his stance on hanging; Lover C responds by evoking Molly’s words to question Clive’s manhood: “She told me you were impotent and always had been.”

Any questions?

List characters and roles from YOUR Page One and After scene:  Who is your protagonist?  Who is your antagonist?  How many helpers? Go: two-minute timer Stretch Your Writer-Brain: Track character arcs starting at Page One and After. Who reaches the climax? Sample 3-act diagram from Amsterdam:

Molly King Replacement

George Revenge Quest

Rose Revenge Quest

Climax

Act Three

Act One Clive Act Two Page One Grail Quest Five Major Vernon Scapegoat Characters Enter Here Sacrifice

Garmony Coming of Age

If you run into trouble with your diagram (fear, confusion, that lost feeling when you confront your pages), then build a character grid using these slots: Name, Role, Plot or Subplot, Archetype, Core Story, Entry, Exit. Here’s a grid for Amsterdam. Ray: Wknd Novelist Rewrites Novel, 2010 3

Grid for Amsterdam Name Role Plot/SP Archetype Core Story Entry Exit Clive Protag1 Plot Quester Grail Quest Act 1 Act 3 Vernon Protag2 Plot Sick Man Scapegoat Sacrifice Act 1 Act 3 Molly Antag1 SP1 Death Crone King Replacement Act 1 Act 3 George Antag2 SP2 King Revenge Quest Act 1 Act 3 Garmony Antag3 SP3 Wonder Boy Coming of Age Act 1 Act 3

LESSON FROM AMSTERDAM – WHAT DOES THE GRID SHOW? The grid shows Molly Lane, a powerful female, alone with four adult males. As we learn later in the novel, Molly is a free spirit. She practices sexual liberation and careful mate selection. Molly attracts men with money, talent, and power. Let’s look at each of Molly’s boys through the lens of mate selection and the Three Goods: Good Genes (health, beauty), Good Resources (money, power), and Good Behavior (helpful, ethical).

 Vernon the foreign correspondent is bright (good genes); his life is filled with adventure (exciting behavior)  Clive the composer is talented (good genes); he has a shot at fame (good behavior)  George the husband is a rich man (good resources); he tolerates Molly’s behavior (displaying good behavior); a meaner man would beat Molly up (bad behavior)  Garmony the cabinet minister (power=resource) has a secret life (bad behavior); he’s the only character with children – they verify his genetic success

As Molly’s men shuffle through Page One and after, she will emerge as the driving force of the novel. The author lays pipe (a screenwriter’s term for subplots and themes) with two protagonists (Clive and Vernon), and three antagonists (Molly, George, Garmony).

Tip for your rewrite: to create a good character, take away one of the Three Goods. Jane Eyre has good genes (she’s survived) and good behavior (ethics) but no resources. Rochester has good resources (money, Thornfield), good genes (he’s survived), but bad behavior: when he proposes to Jane at the midpoint of Jane Eyre, Rochester does not tell her he’s keeping his crazy wife Bertha locked in the tower. Rochester’s secret – he wants Jane because she is young and healthy (good genes) – throbs in the subtext.

Workshop Time-check – Summary of where we are: The importance of Page One and After Contents – characters, drama, subtext, concrete nouns Tools: the character grid, the structural diagram, closed circle and intruder Ray: Wknd Novelist Rewrites Novel, 2010 4

Let’s assume you have rewritten Page One and After using the Scene Template (see page 7. Now what? Where do you go from here?  Do you list scenes for each subplot?  Do you start rewriting those scenes?  Or do you nail down your First Encounter Scene?

Definition: the First Encounter scene is where the protagonist (your hero or heroine) meets the antagonist. (Mystery: where sleuth meets killer.) Protagonist means “the one who leads.” Antagonist means “the one who opposes.” Amsterdam has five antagonists: Molly, George, Garmony, Rose (Garmony’s wife), and Frank (junior editor). Jane Eyre has seven antagonists: Rochester, Bertha, Richard (B’s brother), Blanche, Aunt Reed, Nasty Mr. Brocklehurst, and cousin St. John. How many antagonists do you have?

Moving on to the First Encounter, the scene that floats. The other six are fixed.  Opening: Page One and After  Closing: End/Final Image  Middle: Midpoint  High Point: Climax  Act One Curtain: Plot Point One  Act two Curtain: Plot Point Two  Floater: First Encounter

Around the room: where does your protagonist meet your antagonist?  In the back story?  Act One?  Act Two?  Act Three?

3. Writing: Rewriting the First Encounter: Prompt: Character A met Character B at the train station on…. (alt place: in the metro during, at a party where, in the classroom when, in the jungle looking like, at the grocery store where she was buying….) Alternate prompts:  Excuse me, but….  Hi, I’m Kip and this is Mike. And you are….?  She looked at him and saw a handsome man with…. Writing time: 5-7 minutes, depending Reading in Two’s and Three’s

Model First Encounter from Leaving Las Vegas (a clumsy novel that became an Oscar- Winning film) Three forms: Ray: Wknd Novelist Rewrites Novel, 2010 5

o Novel o Screenplay o Film Let’s track the movement of the First Encounter Scene (where Ben the Drunk meets Sera the Hooker on the Strip in Las Vegas) in the diagram below:

Plums-Act Three First Encounter First Words Plums First Fight First Invitation First Barter midpoint First Touch First Insight First Real Date Script to Film Lemons First Separation Minute 25 Act Two First Threshold Crossing First Gift Bars First Bloodshed Act Two First Escape Cherries: Act One In the Figgis film, the Casino scene First Emotion First Queen Replacement First Encounter: locks down midpoint. First Call for Help "Are you working?"

What does the diagram tell you? The novel mirrors the heat of writing while under the influence: thin act one, medium thin act two, packed act three. Why? Because the First Encounter comes too late.

ANALYSIS If you study the structure of this novel, you can feel the writing heat up in Act Three. The heat starts to build at the First Encounter on the fabled Las Vegas Strip. It keeps on building until the First Phone Call, when Ben calls Sera to tell her he’s dying. The novel is divided into four sections, each one with a label, printed in lower case. With each section, the point of view shifts: 1. cherries – Sera starts her plot in Las Vegas. We meet her pimp, Al-Gamal. 2. bars – Ben follows his plot in Los Angeles. He buys booze, wakes up in a public urinal, burns stuff from his past, and heads for Las Vegas. “Bars,” the title of this section, is a metaphor for the life of a drunk. 3. lemons – Sera picks up her plot again in Las Vegas. She’s waiting for something, waiting for Ben. 4. plums – Ben checks into the Whole Year Inn, then heads for the Strip, where he meets Sera. Now that they are together, the story moves through a series of Firsts: Ray: Wknd Novelist Rewrites Novel, 2010 6

 First Encounter: Ben spots Sera on the Las Vegas Strip  First Words: Are you working?  First Fight: What do you mean, working?  First Invitation: Ben invites Sera to his room for sex  First Barter: Ben gives money to Sera in exchange for sex  First Touch: Sera helps Ben undress  First Insight: Sera realizes Ben wants to talk because he’s lonely  First Real Date: Ben invites Sera to dinner  First Separation: Sera leaves Ben to check with her pimp  First Threshold Crossing: Sera takes Ben home  First Gift: Sera gives Ben a shirt; Ben gives Sera earrings  First Blood Shed: Wearing the shirt, Ben gets into a fight in the Biker Bar  First Escape: Ben and Sera escape to the desert  First Emotion: Sera goes back to work; Ben is jealous  First Queen Replacement: Ben brings a hooker into Sera’s bed  First Phone Call: Ben calls Sera; he’s dying

Time-Check: where are we? Any questions? Rewriting tip: Use Firsts to power through your rewrite.

Ritual of Courtship in Jane Eyre – Franco Zefferelli film – Min min Exercise Minute 38 – First Sighting: Jane sees a man on horseback Minute 39 – First Words: the Fallen Man interrogates Jane Minute 40 – First Touch: Jane helps Fallen Man to mount the horse Minute 41 – First Separation: the Fallen Man rides off, followed by the Dog Minute 44 – First Thrust: Fallen Man, Aka Mr. Rochester, blames Jane for the fall. (She "bewitched" his horse.) Minute 46 – First Power Trip: Rochester interrogates Jane about the "furniture" in her brain. Minute 47 – First Test: "Do you consider me handsome?" Jane says, no, sir. Minute 48 – First Closeness: Jane sketches Rochester, captures his image for herself. Minute 50 – First Revelation: Rochester the paper man calls for the eraser of India Rubber. Minute 54 – First Fight: Jane confronts Rochester about his treatment of Adele. Minute 57 – First Rescue: Jane saves Rochester from Bertha's fire Minute 61 – First Salvation: Rochester holds Jane's hand. "I am in your debt." Minute 64 – First Doubt: Seeing herself in the mirror, Jane says "You are a fool." Minute 66 – First Competition: Seeing the beauteous Blanche Ingram, Jane feels outclassed. Minute 69 – First Withdrawal: Watching Rochester dance with Blanche Ingram, Jane exits. Minute 70 – Second Confrontation: Rochester orders Jane back to party. Minute 73 – Asks for Help: Rochester tells Jane to bandage Mason, bleeding from a knife wound. Minute 76 – First Separation: Jane leaves R, visits Aunt Reed. Minute 84 – First Reunion: So you came back after all. Minute 88 – First Proposal: Rochester kisses Jane; proposes. Minute 93 – First Wedding: Lawyer stops wedding. Minute 96 – First Ugly Secret: Jane sees Bertha. Minute 98 – First Barter: Rochester asks her to stay. Jane exits. Minute 106 – First Love Call…..: At Helen's grave, Jane hears Rochester calling. Ray: Wknd Novelist Rewrites Novel, 2010 7

Minute 109 – Final Reunion: Jane finds Rochester at Thornfield. Tool: Rewriting with the Scene Template (5 minutes for each writing)

I am rewriting a scene about.... Setting: The time was/the place smelled of AonB: His/her hairdo looked like A&D: What are you looking at? Intruder: What are you guys up to? Climax/Rez: Using the LSR, push the action to a dramatic climax

Tip: Building Good Dialogue The one-two, one-two pattern found in good dialogue is a scaffold for dramatic conflict. Character B wants something; Character A wants something else; their agendas collide in dialogue. One: "Who are your parents?" Two: "I have none."

In the interrogatory dialogue above, Character B asks a nasty question "Who are your parents?" The voice belongs to Mr. Rochester, a married man. His question verifies Jane's class status. She's a servant; he's the master. Mr. Rochester owns Thornfield, an English country house, and the visible resource base in Jane Eyre. Mr. Rochester's dark secret – buried in subtext and back story – is a mad wife, kept above stairs behind a locked door. Jane wants Thornfield.

The voice answering the question with absolute honesty ("I have none.") belongs to Jane Eyre, orphan girl and gritty protagonist. The subtext under the ordered surface of the dialogue is a mixture of hunger, money, power, longing, hope, and Victorian sex. Jane is 18. She wants the Good Life. Mr. Rochester is the Older Man. He has money and a big house; for Jane, he holds the keys to the Good Life. Jane has only one card to play in this game: she's a fertile female. She's alone in the world, easy prey for a rich man in the English countryside in the 1840's. If Jane steps out of line, she loses her job.

The conflict shimmers on the page because Mr. Rochester holds the power of life and death over Jane. He can keep her; he can lock her up; he can take her by force; he can let her go. Although it was penned 150 years ago, this dialogue pulses with drama buried in the subtext. Character A is Jane; Character B is Rochester:

B: Who are your parents? A: I have none. B: Nor ever had, I suppose; do you remember them? A: No. B: I thought not. And so you were waiting for your people when you sat on the stile? A: For whom, sir? B: For the men in green: it was a proper moonlight evening for them. Did I break through one of your rings, that you spread that damned ice on the causeway? A: The men in green all forsook England a hundred years ago. And not even in Hay Lane, or the fields about it, could you find a trace of them. I don't think either summer or harvest, or winter moon, will ever shine on their revels more. B: Well, if you disown parents, you must have some sort of kinsfolk; uncles and aunts? A: No; none that I ever saw. Ray: Wknd Novelist Rewrites Novel, 2010 8

B: And your home? A: I have none. B: Where do your brothers and sisters live? A: I have no brothers or sisters B: Who recommended you to come here? A: I advertised, and Mrs. Fairfax answered my advertisement. Workshop: Subtext Discussion (polar opposites = dramatic conflict) age, power, pride, class conflict, battle of sexes, property + society vs. orphan with nothing; virgin vs. married man, workhouses, foundling hospitals, abandoned children Rules for sturdy dialogue: One-two, short lines: Who are your parents? I have none. Echo words: Object Inserted: Hook to the past (verb): Link to the future (verb):

Writing Dialogue startline: Do you remember that time when we…. Mini-Lecture: Core Story in Jane Eyre: Build a Character Grid: Name Role Plot/SP Object Entry Exit Core Story Jane Protag Plot Sketchpad Act 1 Act 3 Rags to Riches Mr. Rochester Antag1 Subplot1 Cloak Act 2 Act 3 Queen Replacement Bertha Mason Antag2 Subplot2 Knife, Fire Act 2 Act 2 Revenge Quest Richard Mason Antag3 Subplot3 Overcoat Act 2 Act 2 Revenge Quest Aunt Reed Antag4 Subplot4 Silk Act 1 Act 2 Scapegoat Sacrifice Mr. Brocklehurst Antag5 Subplot5 Overcoat Act 1 Act 1 Scapegoat Sacrifice St. John Rivers Antag6 Subplot6 Letter/Bibl Act 3 Act 3 King Replacement e Mrs. Fairfax Helper Subplot7 Apron Act 2 Act 3 Queen Replacement Blanche Ingram Antag7 Subplot8 Party Gown Act 2 Act 2 Queen Replacement

Question: what is Core Story? Answer from the Glossary: The Weekend Novelist Rewrites the Novel

Core Story A power tool that untangles plot from subplot. There are seven core stories. King Replacement, Queen Replacement, Coming of Age, Rags to Riches, Grail Quest, Revenge Quest, and Scapegoat Sacrifice. Core story welds ritual to archetype, and then plugs into deep myth. Example: Cinderella's core story is Rags to Riches. The ritual buried in Rags to Riches is an ascent, a scrambling sweaty climb up the economic ladder. The deep myth is rebirth, a Phoenix rising from the ashes. Core story is the framework of the familiar. We know story; we know not how.

KING REPLACEMENT The King dies; a Stranger replaces the King. QUEEN REPLACEMENT The Queen dies; a Stranger replaces the Queen. COMING OF AGE The King grows up. The Queen grows up. RAGS TO RICHES The poor peasant (girl or boy) climbs the economic ladder. GRAIL QUEST The Knight hunts the Holy Grail. Ray: Wknd Novelist Rewrites Novel, 2010 9

REVENGE QUEST The Tarnished Knight hunts the Evil Character; Society feels safe. SCAPEGOAT SACRIFICE The Scapegoat gets slaughtered; Society observes.

Mini-Lecture: Scene Profile, a tool for scene analysis Example: Scene Profile for Page One and After, Amsterdam

Name of the Scene: Molly’s Ashes Location: Page One and After Setting: Crematorium, Grounds, Garden of Remembrance, London Time: February Afternoon Weather: Cold, frozen, bleak Ritual: Burial of the Dead

Characters: Lover A is Clive; Lover B is Vernon; Lover C is Julian Garmony; Lover D is Hart the American; Molly’s husband is George Lane; Molly (evoked through memory) is the centerpiece

Action: Walking, Talking, Shaking Hands, Shivering; Vernon answers his cell phone

Dialogue: Digging up the past; barbs; insults; snide remarks

Climax: Lover C’s insult climaxes the opening scene.

Concrete Nouns: Objects are cab, propeller, bed, cream, mirror, acanthus, bresaiola, and sickroom; body parts are backs and arm; landmarks are chapel, crematorium, and Dorchester Grill.

Secrets in the Subtext: the American Hart is the Secret Lover from Molly’s past. The husband thrusts Hart at Clive and Vernon like a spear. They are shocked by this unwelcome information. A new guy splits the memory of Molly into more pieces. The husband’s action reveals his vengeful agenda: the revenge that dooms the protagonists starts here in this opening scene.

Archetype and Core Story: Clive the composer is a Quester; fame is his Holy Grail. Vernon the editor is a Sick Man who will use photos of Molly and Lover C to boost tabloid circulation; his core story is Scapegoat Sacrifice. Husband George wants revenge on all Molly’s ex-lovers; his core story is Revenge Quest. Lover C, the British Foreign Secretary (his name is Julian Garmony) is a Wonder Boy; his core story is Coming of Age. Molly Lane, the female at the center of these empty men, is a Death Crone; her core story is King Replacement.

More: In April-May, 2010, Robert Ray will offer a 6-week course on rewriting the novel at Hugo House. Six Saturdays, two hours of rewriting your novel. Join this group and finish your book by May 15! See hugohouse.org for details.