The Monsta and the Conditiona

THE MONSTA AND THE CONDITIONA

Characters Narrator, a 16 year old girl that switches to and from a mature personality to a childish personality. Monsta, the Narrator’s right hand man throughout the play who just does what he’s told. Mummy, Gianna’s mother who just goes with whatever her brat daughter throws at her with the utmost love and plastic affection. Gianna, a spoiled 7 year old girl that has a mind of her own.

Setting: The majority of the play takes place in Gianna’s bedroom which is full of toys and all the clothes a little girl could want. We will also see the kitchen of the house where Gianna will talk with her mother at one point. These two sets will be split on the stage by a long tall piece of drywall and the spotlight will fall on whichever location we have to focus on.

Act I, Scene 1 It is morning and the Monsta is hiding under Gianna’s bed after stealing her beloved conditiona. Gianna has just woken up and the Narrator stands at a podium overseeing the stage. The spotlight is on Gianna’s room and the Narrator’s podium.

MONSTA (Hides under the bed and does a short monologue.) Ha Ha. (Laughs maniacally.) Wait until Gianna finds out what I’ve done. Ha ha. She’ll wake up to a great fright. Ha ha. She won’t have conditiona to make her hair smooth and light because I have taken it all. Ha ha ha ha.

NARRATOR Well I guess you're all wondering who that creep is. That my dear brothers and sisters is a poor excuse for a monster now a days. Like my Spanish teacher would say una muy muy mala excusa para un monstruo. Then again I never understood what she said in the first place. Until now.

GIANNA (Gianna wakes up, slowly sitting up in bed and walking over to the window.) Aahhhhhhhhh. The sun is up so I am up. Aaahhh what a lovely day it is. (Opens the window and a bird sits on her finger. She starts harmonizing softly with it and then it flies away.) 2

NARRATOR An important thing to note is Gianna thinks she’s a Disney princess like Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty. Ya know people like that. But just as she’s quick to act like a perfect girl, she can also become an old hag in the prick of a spinning wheel.

GIANNA (She gets into the shower and starts to sing.) La da dee la da da la daaaaaa, Singing in the shower!

NARRATOR She just notices her conditiona is gone. Her mood changes from (Says this in a high pitched angelic voice.) Fairy Princess, (Says “Cruella De Vil” in a dark deep voice.) to a mean old Cruella De Vil. (The spotlight falls on both sets on the stage, the kitchen and Gianna’s room.)

Act I, Scene 2 Gianna just realized she had no conditiona while she was in the middle of taking a shower. This causes her and her mother to have an argument in the kitchen, more anger coming from Gianna, about where Gianna’s conditiona went. The Narrator is clarifying what’s going on and is adding commentary to make the conversation less awkward and funny.

GIANNA (She screams to her mother.) Mummy, all me conditiona is gone!

MUMMY (She screams back to Gianna.) Well honey, I just bought you some last week. Where did it all go?

NARRATOR Gianna storms out of the shower in the middle of her Garnier routine. Uh gasp! She really cares about her conditiona. (She wags finger as she says it.)

GIANNA (Gianna walks into the kitchen and the spotlight is only on the kitchen now.) Mummy no you didn’t. If you did, it would be in there. 3

MONSTA (Spotlight dims onto the Monster under the bed in Gianna’s room in half darkness.) Ha ha ha ha. That little girl will never see her conditiona again. Ha ha ha ha ha. Her mom knows something is up, but you know moms. They have bad memories. Ha ha ha ha. How splendid. Ha ha ha ha ha.

MUMMY Well you could just use some of mine. Would that be alright my sweet girl? (She touches Gianna’s cheek as she says it.)

NARRATOR Yeah, I wouldn’t use the word sweet but-

GIANNA (Abruptly bangs her hand on the table and that scares the Narrator so much she holds her chest as if she just saw a ghost.) Mummy I don’t want your Pantene Color Reserve Volume because FYI, (Puts hand to her face like she is going to whisper but she starts to scream.) not all of us have a receding hairline!

MUMMY That wasn’t very nice sweetheart (She says in a plastic happy tone.) Now please go up to your room.

GIANNA (She starts to stomp off in a huffing rage.)

Act I, Scene 3 The spotlight turns onto the podium, where the Narrator is standing, and Gianna’s room where Gianna is heading to now. Gianna suddenly hears the Narrator’s voice loud and clear, but the Narrator tries to be as discreet as possible. This effort to stay invisible comes up to no avail and the Narrator and Gianna finally come face to face.

NARRATOR Wow what a little brat she is! (She loudly says in surprise as they look at the audience.) 4

GIANNA Huh? (As she stops abruptly in the middle of the hallway.) What was that?

NARRATOR (The Narrator looks very surprised and scared by this.) Nothing?

GIANNA (Peers out into the audience, sees nothing, shrugs, then walks up the stairs to her room.) Hmph, guess it was nothing.

(Two glowing eyes and hairy arms are now seen under the bed in Gianna’s room and the Narrator spots them.)

NARRATOR (Screams so loud out of fright that Gianna hears her.) Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

GIANNA (Gianna then screams with the same amount of fear as the Narrator.) Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! Omg why is someone screaming? (She puts her finger on her chin and puts on her thinking face.) Mummy? Daddy? No it’s not Daddy he’s in Paris designing with Louboutin. (As she talks she is pacing back and forth and the Monsta reaches out trying to grab each time on the opposite side of where Gianna walks.) Grandma? No she’s dead. Miss you Grams. (She sends a kiss up into the air.) Hmmmm. (She taps her chin.) Who could it be?

NARRATOR (As the Monsta was trying to grab Gianna, the Narrator became more and more anxious.) Mmmmmmmmmmm. Gianna watch out! (The Monsta then vanishes.) 5

GIANNA (Gianna starts to shout so that she can be heard in all directions.) Ok you have five seconds to tell me who you are before I. Before I, (She steps up onto the bed and grabs her favorite dolly, Elsa in the process.) make Elsa sing let it go! (Starts humming Let It Go very loudly and waltzes around her bed with the doll.)

NARRATOR Uh gasp! No she can’t do this, can she? No, not Elsa. (The Narrator starts to sob softly like a little child then abruptly stops.) Wait a second who am I kidding? (She wipes fake tears away and gets her composure back.) Now if it was Olaf on the other hand I would have some words to say about that. (Starts to talk like a fan girl.) He’s my fave. Besties for life. Like I am talking matching complexion, matching noses. We both love summer. We twin on a daily basis. Like twinnie-four seven. (She starts to laugh so hard she starts snorting.) Now that’s a knee-slapper, twinnie. Right guys? (Asks this to the audience and pointlessly slaps knee.)

GIANNA (Finds her Olaf plush toy and tauntingly dangles it over the edge and the Narrator just notices.)

NARRATOR (Sarcastically cuts boasting short to say this.) She did it, didn’t she? (She turns to Gianna who is still dangling Olaf over the edge of the bed and her personality changes back to a mature adult.) Now little girl, I suggest you put down my best friend gently or we’re going to have some problems.

GIANNA Then tell me who you are.

NARRATOR (The Narrator whines like a little child.) I can’t tell you.

GIANNA 6

(Gianna mimics the whine of the Narrator.) Why not?

NARRATOR Because I am the one that keeps this (She points between her and Gianna frantically.) going. Ugh, I just can’t. It’s against all of the rules. (Plops up thick book of rules and puts on reading glasses)

GIANNA You know what’s not against the rules? Summer! (She says this in Olaf’s voice in the movie Frozen.) Just the thought of (Emphasizes these lines to the Narrator.) no rules in summer, in summmmmeeeerrrrr! (Gianna sings in Olaf’s voice and drops Olaf.)

(Stage person dressed in all black makes it look like Olaf is dropping in slow motion while Gianna says “Oops” in slow motion.)

NARRATOR (The Narrator says this in slow motion.) Nooooooooooooooooooo! (The Narrator runs in slow motion off the podium to where Olaf is falling and grabs it just in time like someone who just slid to first base.) I got you twin. (Gives Gianna a glare as she stands up.) I told you not to do that little girl.

Act I, Scene 4 Gianna is introduced to the Narrator and does not seem fazed by it at all. The only thing her mind is set on is getting more conditiona to complete her Garnier routine.

GIANNA (Screams and hides behind her bed.) Who are you?

NARRATOR Well I guess I have to tell you now. Ummmm. I’m kind of the story teller? Like this is your story and I’m making it up, I mean following it as we go along. 7

(She gives a cheesy toothy smile as she awaits Gianna’s reaction.)

GIANNA (Looks at the Narrator shocked for a moment, but then comes back to her senses.) Excuse you ma’am, my life is not going to be told. It’s my life and I can tell it whichever way I want to! (She starts to walk in front of the bed and gets slightly closer to the Narrator, but is still keeping her distance.) Now if you'll excuse me, my hair is soaking wet and soapy. (She begins walking off stage and screams these next lines.) I need to finish my Garnier routine. (She screams to her mother and is offstage by now.) Mummy, get the valet we are going to Giant Eagle! (She screams even louder and it turns into a screech.) Now!

Act I, Scene 5 The spotlight is now on the Narrator and the Monsta at the podium. They have a short conversation which consists of the Narrator scolding the Monsta for not sticking to the plan of the plot.

MONSTA (Creeps up on the Narrator in a scary manner and that scares the Narrator.) Hi.

NARRATOR (She screams like a little girl.) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (Slightly hyperventilates.) Don’t scare me like that Sherman!

MONSTA Sorry misses master. (Says this in a creepy tone.)

NARRATOR You can also stop talking in the Smeagol voice.

MONSTA 8

Sorry again misses master. (He starts to talk in a regular American voice.)

NARRATOR Now I am sure you want to know why I paused the whole play just to have this conversation with you so let me just get to the point. Sherman you’re not sticking to your job and sole purpose in life.

MONSTA (Looks at the Narrator with a blank expression and has no idea what he is doing wrong.)

NARRATOR Ugh. (Visibly irritated.) It’s very simple Sher. You find the conditiona and then you steal the conditiona and then no more conditiona. (Explains the steps through hand gestures.) You do not stalk Gianna and try to take Gianna. Understood?

MONSTA (The Monsta nods his head and then shudders as he hears a car door slam outside.) They’re coming I must go misses master.

NARRATOR Ok Sherman. Keep up the good work and remember the conditiona not the girl.

Act I, Scene 6 The spotlight turns to the kitchen where Gianna and her mother are discussing their recent trip to Giant Eagle.

GIANNA (She walks back onto the stage with her mother carrying several bags full of conditiona.) Can you believe they had a 20 for $20 sale on the only conditiona I use? Isn’t that crazy?

MUMMY It is totally bizarre darling, but I guess you can thank your lucky stars. 9

GIANNA (Looks visibly disgusted by what her mother just said.) Mummy! No one says that anymore! And I don’t have lucky stars; I have a rich father and a clueless mother who have been spoiling me rotten ever since I could fit into newborn size 0.

MUMMY (Continues to look at her daughter with love even after the snippy comment she just made.) Hah. Whatever you say honey. Now you should go and finish that well-earned shower of yours. (Comes very close to pinching Gianna’s cheeks as she says that last sentence.)

GIANNA Oh yeah. (Gianna touches the towel around her head and walks across the hallway into her room with all the bags of conditiona.)

Act I, Scene 7 Gianna is finishing her shower and the Monsta is left with all of these bags full of conditiona that he has no idea what to do with. He looks to the Narrator for advice, but she is on a Frozen break and has a sign on the podium saying “Gone to Watch Twinnie.” Gianna might find the answer to her missing conditiona mystery after all.

MONSTA (Looks nervously at all the bags of conditiona around him.) Misses Master never told me anything about this part of the job. (Drops down to the middle of the floor and looks very troubled by the perplexing problem he has to solve. He gets so overwhelmed he starts to sob softly.)

GIANNA (She walks out of the bathroom in her room to find the Monsta vulnerable to his uncontrollable emotions. She does not know what to do so she just sits next to him and starts sobbing with him.)

MONSTA (Is so caught off guard by seeing Gianna sobbing he just sits there staring at her in awkward silence.) Errrrrr hello?

GIANNA 10

Hello! (Gianna says in the perkiest voice possible.) I don’t mean to be rude, it’s not like I’m a grown man sitting in the middle of a seven year old girl’s bedroom sobbing my eyes out, but who are you?

MONSTA I’m the Monsta. (The blank expression he sees on Gianna’s face urges him to continue explaining himself.) You know the monster that’s under your bed that may or may not be stealing your conditiona.

GIANNA (Gianna’s face turns red with anger.) Wait. You mean to tell me that I was forced to wait in that awful smelling limousine for twenty minutes as my butler went to fetch me twenty bottles of Garnier Triple Nutrition all because you have a weird conditiona fetish?! (Her voice gets louder as she keeps on scolding the Monsta.) Who do you think you are?

MONSTA Oh how silly of me. My name is…

GIANNA (She cuts him off and says this loudly and still angrily.) I don’t care what your name is! I care about where you’ve but my conditiona that you stole. And I want to know why. Now!

MONSTA (He stands up thinking about the questions he was just asked and stares out into the audience.) Huh. I actually have no idea why I stole your conditiona. I don’t even know why I’m here really. And it’s not like the Narrator is here to tell me so. (He looks over at the podium where the Narrator suddenly appears.)

Act I, Scene 8 The Narrator is back from her break and is trying to sort this whole mess out. This is the last scene where everything is revealed and the mystery of the conditiona is solved.

(The spotlight is on Gianna’s bedroom and the podium the Narrator stands behind.) 11

NARRATOR (The Narrator comes back to take her place on the podium, still humming Olaf’s song, just in time to see that Gianna and the Monsta have come face to face.) Oh I see you two have met. How exciting that must have been. Well I did not see this turn coming. Ummmmm. Well Gianna that’s Sherman. (Points to the Monsta.) Sherman that’s Gianna. (Points to Gianna.)

GIANNA Narrator, or whatever your name is, why didn’t you tell me there was a Monsta under my bed stealing my conditiona? I think I deserved to know.

MONSTA Yeah Narrator. And why did you make me steal the conditiona? Looking back on it now, I don’t even know how I got here. (Looking around the room with confusion.)

NARRATOR Well, (Stares off into the distance like she is about to tell a deep life story.) it all started when I was seven years old and I thought there was a Monsta stealing my conditiona. Just kidding! I got bored one day and just wanted to see what would happen. I thought of two random things that made no sense at all when they were put together and just let it play through. Is that categorized as a malicious act to you?

MONSTA & GIANNA Yes.

GIANNA Wait, I’m not sure. What does malicious mean? Oh never mind I don’t have time for a vocabulary lesson. (She gets a devilish look on her face.) Hey Sher, are you thinking what I’m thinking?

MONSTA Ooo ooo, that we should count how many dust bunnies there are under the bed? 12

GIANNA No silly! That we need to start seeing how our real lives will end up. (Eyes the Narrator fiendishly and the Narrator slowly starts backing away into the curtains.) We should start making up our own stories. (She whispers her evil plan to the Monsta and begins counting.) One. (Gianna and Sherman both walk one step forward towards the Narrator.)

NARRATOR (Clearly looks anxious by this gesture and knows what’s coming next.) Now wait a second guys. I didn’t do anything wrong. None of you are hurt.

GIANNA Two. (Gianna and Sherman take another large step toward the podium.)

NARRATOR (She seems to get smaller and smaller every time they take a step and is halfway covered in the curtain.) We can talk through this. Please just hear me out. I meant no harm to you two. I honestly don’t see where all this hostility came from.

GIANNA (Gianna and Sherman are inches away from the Narrator at this point and both look like tigers about to pounce.) Three! (Gianna screams.)

(Gianna and Sherman jump on top of the Narrator and start trying to tie her up for good. The lights dim as the low key brawl happens and the play ends.)