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Heroic Police Officer Talks Man Down From Edge Of Purchasing Subway Footlong Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki

NEWS IN BRIEF May 19, 2016 Food · Fast Food · News · Police · Subway

CLEVELAND—Rushing into action as a horrified crowd of onlookers gathered, heroic police officer Craig Stanton reportedly talked a man down Thursday from the edge of purchasing a footlong Subway Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sandwich. “Listen, you don’t have to do this—you have so much more to live for,” said the officer, who throughout the tense 45- minute standoff repeatedly urged the man to step away from the Subway cashier before making a rash decision. “It’s not too late. Put down the sandwich and walk away. Think about your family and friends. There are people out there who love you. They don’t want this for you. Don’t put yourself or them through this hell.” Authorities said they were pleased with the negotiation’s outcome, particularly in light of a tragic and grisly incident last week when they arrived moments too late to prevent a woman from ingesting an entire Subway Meatball Marinara Salad. Report: More Companies Offering Paid Maternity Leave To Mothers Who Complete 3 Months Of Work Ahead Of Time

NEWS IN BRIEF May 6, 2016 Business · Workplace · Parenting · Lifestyle · Babies

BOSTON—According to a report released Friday by Harvard Business School, more U.S. companies are offering up to 12 weeks of paid maternity leave to mothers who complete three months of work ahead of time. “We strive to be accommodating to our employees as they start families, which is why we’re granting paid time off to any expectant mothers who go on maternity leave having already completed the following 90 days’ worth of their normal tasks and responsibilities,” said Adam Ewert, CEO of Ewert Daniels Consulting, one of the companies mentioned in the report, adding that any women interested in taking advantage of the policy simply had to notify their manager and arrange for their absence by finishing their regular workload as well as all projects and assignments that would be expected in the ensuing financial quarter. “We want to make sure our female employees don’t have to choose between motherhood and their careers, and provided they finish three extra months of reports, send three extra months of emails, and make three extra months of presentations before they have their babies, this policy lets women take the time they need without setting themselves back at the workplace.” The report also found that a rising number of businesses are now offering flexible scheduling to new mothers interested in working for an effectively meaningless fraction of their previous pay.

Report: Getting Out Of Bed In Morning Sharply Increases Risk Of Things Getting Even Worse

NEWS IN BRIEF February 25, 2016 Health · Science & Technology · Science

WASHINGTON—According to a report published Thursday in the Journal Of Applied Psychology, the act of getting out of bed in the morning dramatically increases the risk of things becoming even worse. “No matter how bad things were upon waking up, the very moment our trial subjects pulled off the covers and stepped out of bed, things spiraled even further downward for them in roughly 92 percent of all cases,” said lead researcher Alison Chaudhary, who added that her research team observed no instances in which rising from one’s bed and beginning to go about one’s day improved things for any of the test participants. “In addition, we discovered that the chances of everything going completely and irreversibly downhill rose even higher should one subsequently get dressed and head toward the front door. After that point, once one has left their home, the likelihood of avoiding being weighed down by steadily mounting misery, pain, and humiliation was quite close to zero.” Chaudhary noted that the only guaranteed way to ensure everything doesn’t fall apart right in front of your eyes is to stay in bed, pull a blanket up over your head, and remain there indefinitely without moving.

Teary-Eyed Student Loan Officers Proudly Watch As $200,000 Asset Graduates From College

NEWS IN BRIEF May 9, 2016 Local · College · Education · Money · Finance

ATLANTA—Unable to contain their emotion when they heard the account name called aloud by the college provost, a group of teary-eyed Sallie Mae student loan officers proudly looked on Monday as their $200,000 balance sheet asset graduated from Emory University, witnesses confirmed. “It’s been absolutely amazing to watch our revenue stream grow right before our eyes,” said smiling collections officer Robin Black, explaining that, looking at the impressive figure now, she could hardly believe their future series of principal and interest payments was only $50,000 just four years ago. “This is such a big milestone, but to be honest, it’s really just the beginning. We’re all looking forward to seeing how our beloved asset progresses now that it’s going out into the real world. Who knows where it will be 15 years from now?” The student loan officers went on to express their hope that they’d one day be able to see their source of profit go to law school.