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Hamlet’s Psychiatrist Act I, Scene I Evening. Copenhagen , the 1950's . Dining-room of the Thorvald mansion, Elsinore Gables , home of the family of a super-rich munitions tycoon. and Maid and Butler work around the dinner table , setting it for 6 persons.

Maid : Hans, I'm short two place settings. You're closer to the kitchen than I am. Could you go in there are get me some more silverware ? ( Hans leaves the room, returns with cutlery .They continue working )

Butler: Greta, that meat loaf's been left out on the stove all night. Do you think it's still fresh?

Maid : Don't you worry about that, Hans. I need some help around here with the flowers. That meat loaf's all right. It's only been in the freezer two weeks at most. It's not like the old days, when you had to throw food out the day after it's cooked.

Butler: It's not that exactly...I don't know how to put it. Well, Greta, you know perfectly well what's wrong! Why, that's the very same dish we put out for the wake to the old man's funeral! If you ask me, I think it's plain indecent.

Maid: You won't hear no protestin' from me. I hear you all right. The meat may still be fresh, but sure as I'm standin' here , there somethin' rotten in the state of Denmark!

Butler : (Lowers his voice). Sure they've got all that money and class all right, but I've worked for lots of rich people in my day, and these folks ... well, I don't want to call'em trash, but I don't know what else to call them! Why, the cheek of her gettin' married again, but two weeks after the first husband kicks the bucket!

Maid: What can I tell you? You never saw the likes of it among the people I've worked with. Well, their money's no wors'n anyone elses. It's all the same. Their sins are God's business, not ours ( Crosses herself)

Butler ( Smirks grimly ) : Pass me the butter , Greta, will you? ( Bell rings) That must be them now. I'll get it. ( Exits off stage. Enters again with Claudius and Gertrude Thorvald . They are middle-aged newlyweds. Gertrude hands packages to the Maid , while the Butler takes their coats.)

Gertrude (Looks around) : Where's Hamlet ?

Butler: Madame, he's been in his room all afternoon. Shall I go up and tell him you're here?

Gertrude : No. Let him be for the moment. ( To Claudius ) I hope he isn't still thinking of returning to that American school. What's its names Harvard?

Claudius : I'll talk him out of it. He's got to learn to listen to his new father. ( As Gertrude turns to address the Butler , Claudius bends over and pinches her behind. Gertrude turns around and slaps him.)

Gertrude : Naughty! And in front of all the servants! (Abashed by the pitiful look on his face. ) Oh, Claudy puppy-dog! ( Throws hers arms about him. As they kiss he feels her up without inhibition. Red-faced, she tears herself out of his grip. ) Shame on you, Claudy! ( She straightens her dress and walks out of the room. Maid returns)

Claudius: Haven't they come yet? What's keeping them? (Bell rings)

Maid: That must be them now, sir. ( Maid exits, returns with Polonius , Ophelia and Laertes Jorgenson. They are covered with snow which they brush off, stamping their boots on the hearth )

Polonius : Claudius , I must apologize for our impardonable lateness.

Claudius : Nonsense, Polo! We've just gotten in ourselves. Hans! Greta! Come get their coats! ( The servants relieve them of their coats) Why don't you all sit down? We're just waiting for Gerty and Hamlet before we begin. Cigar ,Polo?

Polonius : Claudius , I never smoke before dinner.

Claudius : Pity ( Lights one for himself) So, Laertes. My, how you've grown! Off to Paris , is it?

Laertes : I should be taking the first train in the morning

Claudius : You ought to put in a supply of our good Danish rubbers. Those French chicks can give you the clap!

Polonius : Claudius , my children are not typical of their generation. Their upbringing has been accompanied by the strictest propriety. Let me assure you that there is no way my son is going to be tempted by the kind of loose women one commonly sees in the French capital.

Ophelia : (Whispers to Laertes) To hear him talk you'd think he was Jesus Christ.

Claudius : Hmmm. Okay. Well, Laertes , just a chip off the old block, eh? A prig just like your father. What do you say, let's get down to business. What'll you have? Scotch? Gin? Vodka?

Polonius : For a man of my age, there is some benefit in taking spirits in moderation. Scotch for me, Claudius

Laertes : Make mine a gin and tonic.

Ophelia : Just a ginger ale for me, thanks.

Claudius : Hey ! What's this I hear? You're a grown up lady now. Come on, what about a little whiskey?

Polonius : , you ought to know, Claudius , that Ophelia never touches alcohol. It comes from a promise she made to her mother on her deathbed, that she would not have anything to do with alcohol, tobacco or men until she reached the age of twenty- five.

Claudius : She's allowed to barf, isn't she? Har! Har! Well, as you like . (Pours out drinks for all, gives her a bottle of soda) Hey, here comes Gerty! What're you having.

Gertrude: Make it a Bloody Mary. Why Ophelia , what have you done to your hair?

Ophelia: Do you like it? I copied the idea out of a magazine.

Gertrude; Why, it's lovely! Look at how they've grown up! Ophelia 's almost ready for college. And, Laertes , where did you father say you were going?

Laertes : I'll be entering my first year in the Polytechnical School, in Paris.

Gertrude : Paris, is it? You'd better be careful. I've heard that the younger generation down there are all Communists.

Laertes : That don't bother me none, Mrs. Thorvald . I'll take'em all on!

Polonius : Ahem: I have taught my son that, to the extent in which they vaunt sacrifice, industry and economy, the Communists are to be emulated, but to give them short shrift when they attack private property.

Claudius: That's they spirit, Polo. Anyway, as long as there are capitalists and communists, there're going to be wars, and wars mean business! And business means money, don't it Polo, for you and me, and everybody in our filthy line of work! Here, you need some more Scotch, don't you?

Polonius : Nothing in excess, Claudius , I've had enough.

Claudius : Fine with me. Say ( stares uneasily at his watch), Gerty, where's Hamlet ? He should have come down by now.

Gertrude : When I left him a moment ago, he was still picking through his things for the items he needs to go back to Harvard.

Claudius : Harvard? My kid ain't going to be some pointy-headed snob! I'm going to have a long talk with him. He's going to go into the business and learn from the bottom up, just like I did. Tell him to come down, he's keeping us all waiting.

Gertrude : It's all right. I think I hear him now. ( Enter Hamlet. He is dressed entirely in black. His eyes are glazed from lack of sleep, his clothes rumpled and unkempt , his face worn. Ophelia regards him with adolescent awe.)

Ophelia : My dear sweet Hamlet : Wherefore dost thou look so crest-fallen and woe-begone?

Hamlet: ( Drawing figures in the air) Perhaps because I am the moon, and Ophelia is the sun... or maybe you have a better reason...

Claudius : Hey, kiddo ! Why, you're a sight for sore eyes! Something bothering you or what?

Gertrude : The poor boy; he hasn't slept for a week! Look how pale those cheeks are! Why, when he was two, still a baby, I used to go around the neighborhood showing off his big fat rosy cheeks to all the local housewives! And look at my sad sonny-boy now! Gosh, Hamlet sweety , you're thin as a rail!

Ophelia : And, honey, you just don't eat enough. You never go outside. All I ever see you doing these days is sitting around and reading those horrid philosophy books!

Hamlet : Ah me! By what cursed fate did the heavenly powers see fit to create women to make monkeys of us?!

Polonius : 'Tis not uncommon with the younger sort that, for a time, it should divert the o'ermastering energies of youth into the dusty study of ponderous tracts and tomes, ever to be seeking the divine cause of all, the origins, issuance, continuance and deterioration of all engendered things, and even the very essence of existence! I was much like him as a lad, and for a time suffered from recurrent migraine headaches through a too eager absorption into the writings of Kierkegaard, Hegel and Schopenhauer!

Claudius : Well, no step-son of mine is going to become a bookworm! You don't want to turn into a runt, do you? My brother didn't bring you up that way.

Hamlet : Brother, eh? Hear how he calls him, brother! He whom I called, and still call, father! Who was, to him, like Babe Ruth to Donald Duck! See how he mocks the very institution of kinship with his incestuous tongue!

Claudius : So that's it! I wouldn't have believed it. You, a grown man, still hung over by your father's death? I have a suggestion to make: why don't we all go to the dinner table and continue our conversation there? ( They seat themselves at the table. Maid and Butler begin bringing in dishes from the kitchen. When they are all seated, Claudius resumes the conversation with Hamlet . ) It's this way, son: my father died when I was thirteen. I was upset for awhile - of course! But suppose I'd let it get to me, suppose I'd started carrying on the way you've been doing: where would I be today? You're damn right, I'd be in the nut house! That's where you're going if you don't shape up. Dying you see, is just part of life, like, well like getting sick, getting old, making babies ( chuckles) ... well, you can fill in the rest.

Gertrude : Claudy! Why must you always be so crude!

Claudius : Because, dear heart, I've always said it like it is, straight from the shoulder! That's me, all the way through : I lay my chips on the table, and if you don't like it, that's just tough shit! I can't do all that fancy talk like my mealy-mouthed brother could. No, not me! I've made my own way in the world; and done a damn good job of it!

Hamlet : Yes. As a worm feeds on compost.

Claudius: That's right son. That's right. And if it was turtle dung and I was hungry, I'd eat that too, and be grateful for it! I haven't had your education. My brother always got the best of everything, schools, clothes, vacations; I had to go out to work and fend for myself from the age of 17! I'm not saying anything against Hamlet Senior, God rest his soul ( crosses himself) , but he never knew what it was to work for a living. But let bygones be bygones, that's my motto. He's dead ' isn't he? Life is what counts, and get on with it! Hang it son, don't play the dog! I want nothing but the best of everything for you.

Hamlet : ( Stares down at his plate ) All right.

Claudius: All right? So it's all right then. I'll drink to that!

Ophelia : Hamlet , dear, why don't you eat your supper? It upsets me terribly to see you just pecking at your food. It isn't a corpse, you know. (Hamlet absently transfers food to his fork)

Polonius : Ah, daughter, if I could be allowed to differ: for it may well be that a king was interred hard by the field in which the beast we now do eat did forage for its sustenance! The grass it nourished on was itself sustained from the body , and the hands which his subjects pressed to kiss while he was alive. I've always been interested in the carbon-nitrogen cycle; I even wrote a monograph when I was a lecturer at Copenhagen University.

Laertes : ( to Hamlet ) Don't mind my father. He always goes on like this. Alzheimer's, you know.

Claudius: Hans! Bring us some bottles of wine! Laertes , I couldn't help overhearing what you just said. I've always admired your father you know. Sure I know, he's wordy at times, that's mostly his age, but he knows his corporate law all right! My late brother , Hamlet Senior, was called a swindler, a crook, a cheat, and every other name in the book! But - thanks to Polo here, it always came out legal.

Polonius : Your brother, Claudius , was the most upright and law-abiding businessman I have ever had the honor of serving.

Claudius: If you'll forgive my candor, Polo - please cut the crap for a change, do you mind? This isn't a stock-holders meeting; you're having dinner with the big cheese incarnate! Look at it this way, Polo: we manufacture munitions, right? What's that mean: our hands are dripping with blood, that's what. Its okay with me, I get off on it in a way, just like the late departed, etc., etc. But we're not the only ones. There's lots of competition, and they're all sharks! Krupp, Farben, Dupont, Rockwell, Lockheed, .... The world's biggest corporations. That means corporate espionage. That means bribes, payoffs, corruption. We'd go under otherwise... And let me tell you this..

(Hamlet vomits )

Polonius : My word!

Gertrude: Oh! My baby's sick!

Ophelia: Poor, poor Hamlet Junior. Whazza matter?

Hamlet : (Rises from the table) When this usurper speaks of blood, he speaks his own vile name! Yet I would sooner that my very own father be named Dracula than have his name linked with this vermin!

Gertrude: Hamlet ! Mind your manners! This is your own father you're speaking to!

Hamlet : Am I a toad or snake that I must call such a man father? Species mate only with their own kind, but you, my foul mother, have broken even this law!

Ophelia ( In tears) : Oh my! Oh my! I didn't expect anything like this!

Laertes: Hey , champ! Can the theatrics and sit down: don't you see you're upsetting everybody? Try some of this meat loaf! It's real tasty! ( Hamlet vomits again, into Ophelia 's lap)

Gertrude: Hamlet ! Leave the table and go to your room!

Hamlet : Oh my angel! What have I done?

Ophelia : ( While she and the servants clean her up) It's nothing, Hamlet. Don't upset yourself. You're just a poor little lost boy, and I can't help loving you. I know you didn't mean it.

Gertrude: Hamlet my son! Before you go, I demand that you apologize to your father.

Hamlet: Apologize? I'd sooner let him stick his dick up my ass!

Gertrude : (Profoundly shocked) Why, Hamlet ! What's got into you?

Hamlet : Mamma, I don't see why that should upset you. What's it like, sucking that man's prick night after night? Huh, tell me that, my holy mother? ( Gertrude faints; Hamlet storms out of the room; the servants snicker and exchange knowing glances; Ophelia cries; Laertes gets up as if he wants to attack Hamlet , but is restrained by Claudius ; Polonius reads the international edition of the Wall Street Journal.)

Claudius : (shouts after him) You haven't heard the last of this, big boy! I'm going to call the doctor

Polonius : No need, Claudius . Gertrude 's coming around

Gertrude : Where am I?

Claudius : Gerty! Are you all right.

Gertrude: I'm perfectly fine. I could use a bit of wine. Alas, he's mad!

Claudius : Let's not just talk about it; we've got to do something. I'm sending him to a psychiatrist, a personal friend of mine, Dr. Nice. I can vouch for him. Gertrude : Help me up. I'm much better now. Let's go back to the dinner table. ( They take their places, resume eating )

Claudius : I don't care what you think, Laertes : this meat loaf is rotten! ( Drinks down a glass of wine at a single shot) Hans! Take this plate away! Lord, my brother's in better shape!

Gertrude : Claudy; that isn't nice!

Claudius : You know, Gerty? For once I agree with you. Give snookums a kiss ( They hug and kiss, drunkenly)

Polonius : Morbidity may have its place in an Elizabeth tragedy, but it doesn't suit the modern age.

Claudius: Hey, Polo! That's what I like about you: that line is good! I think even Hamlet’ ll get a kick out of it. He spent a year studying Shakespeare at that dump for itty-bitty morons over in Boston. Oh, by the way: I have to ask you: do you anticipate any legal snags in this Fortinbras deal? The way I see it, we've only got to open our jaws a little bit, just enough to get them Norwegians to take the bait: then snap'em shut! Like that!

Polonius : Ahem! Claudius , I conceive of a more diplomatic way of describing the affair: We've been doing business with the corporation of Fortinbras & Sons , on the basis of contracts signed between them and your late brother, may his soul rest in peace. Many of these contracts, almost all of them in fact, have to do with the manufacture of modern artillery to outfit the Polish army. Normally, this would be frowned on owing to our government's NATO commitments, but so far we've found ways of getting around those. Now, since father Fortinbras has passed away, the son wants to deal directly with the Poles, cutting us out entirely. This would be ruinous for us, since all our contracts with them are entirely to our advantage. However, we are in the enviable position of being able to expose them to the Norwegian government as traitorous violators of the international agreements with NATO, without getting any fallout in our own back yard. A few bribes in the right places will see to it that their weapons fall into the wrong hands. Young Fortinbras will have to learn, soon enough, that the son of the mouse has no more chance of baiting the lion, than did its father.

Claudius: Terrific Polo! Just terrific! Hamlet Senior didn't keep you around for 30 years just to smoke pot! I don't know what I'll do without you when you retire. When is that , by the way?

Polonius : 14 months

Claudius : Well, in that case ... ( Enter Hamlet . He is wearing a trench coat and carries a suitcase in each hand. A college beanie is stuck on his head, and a football pennet sticks out of one of the suitcases.)

Gertrude: Why, Hamlet , where are you going?

Hamlet : Back to Harvard. There's a nine o'clock flight to London. I should be in Boston tomorrow afternoon.

Claudius : Hamlet my boy, I wanted to talk to you about that. Come on, let's let bygones be bygones! Put your suitcases over in that corner , come over here and sit down! ( Hamlet looks about uncertainly, not sure of what to do.)

Ophelia: Go on, honey. Do what he says. Be nice - just for me. ( Hamlet puts down the suitcases and takes a chair.)

Claudius : Now Hamlet ! It was always my understanding, and your mother's too, that your father expected you to take over the family business once you came of age. To do that you've got to learn it from the ground up, and you can't do that when you're tearing off butterfly wings at some university! Frankly, I've never been opposed to spending a few years in a good school. You get a certain 'polish' if you know what I mean, something you can use to impress customers. You talk better, you cut a real figure in society. But two years is all you need for that, and you've already done that much. Gerty, you got anything to add to that?

Gertrude : Yes, Hamlet. It is most retrograde to our desire. Its time you began looking around for a suitable girl to take on for a life mate. You need her to handle your difficult moods and take care of you in other ways. Hamlet darling, I've spoiled you dreadfully! You're already nineteen but you still carry on just like a baby! Don't forget, when you marry, it's got to be a good Danish girl. What happens when you go to America and you take up with one of those unscrupulous gold diggers over there. She'll seduce you for sure, Hamlet because you're so weak, and marry you for all the money she can get out of you! Why, Hamlet, I spend hours every night just praying for you, Hamlet, praying to the good Lord Jesus that he won't allow you to go astray!

Claudius : Well, boy? Speak up! What have you got to say for yourself?

Hamlet: Aw...What the fuck. It's no use. Okay. The whole world's a prison.

Claudius : Good! Then it's settled then. I suggest that we all drink to that. Let's go into the living room. I want you all to listen to a record I've just picked up, a recording of the 1812 Overture. Those cannons really pack a wallop!

Polonius : That is a capital suggestion, Claudius I for one assent with all my heart. ( All rise except Hamlet)

Ophelia : Aren't you coming, Hamlet?

Hamlet : Yes. You go ahead. I'll be along in just a moment.

( Exeunt all except Hamlet. He gets off his chair, paces the floor, then turns to face the audience. )

Hamlet: So! They fool me to the top of my bent! They mock me! All of them, they mock me! Even as my mother parades her shameful lust, like a stripe tease, naked before the world, my own uncle, ( for I shall never call him father), hears her as she speaks of gold-diggers and fortune hunters, not even deigning to sneer! And they call ME mad! Such rank pollution, like the smell of rotting flesh, creeping into my nostrils, gagging my breath, stewing in the bowels! Ten times the smokestacks on my father's factories could never churn out so much muck as I uncover in my own home! Oh, vile compost of lust, greed, pride, arrogance, stupidity, is that what is called a man? Why? Am I in fact no better than my uncle: am I not equally sinful? Rapacious? Swinish? Vicious? Lecherous? Would the odors of my marriage bed be any sweeter than theirs? Indeed, let us not talk of marriage: THERE WILL BE NO MOE MARRIAGES! Sooner would I take my own life, yea, and that with a bare bodkin, to escape this cistern. And now they would send me to a psychiatrist. Because they cannot bear the mirror of their own sins. I'm to give him my brain on a dinner platter, like some roast suckling pig, for him to dissect, and classify in pickle jars, like any other mummy. Draining my ego, cauterizing my super-ego, emasculating my id! Telling me my beloved father was no more than a bad dream, that my uncle is a saint, and my mother the Virgin Mary. No! I will never submit! Never! Never! Never!

Gertrude : O ! Are you coming Hamlet? Won’t you join us?

Hamlet : Coming mother! ( Exit) ######################## Act I, scene ii The consultation office of Dr. Maximillian Nice, distinguished Freudian psychoanalyst, in Copenhagen. The room is gloomy, with only a trickle of sunlight coming in through a window, covered by a Venetian blind, on the left. An elegant couch, a sort of divan fit for a Roman orgy, covered with black velvet, runs the length of the back wall. To the right of this a pedestal holding a bust of Freud. At the foot of this pedestal sits a bowl of dog food. Dr. Nice is seated in a swivel chair behind a small desk, left of center stage. On the back wall, left, a bookcase filled with heavy tomes. Dr Nice chews compulsively on a pencil and sighs volubly as he writes marginal notes in some correspondance he is reading. Sound of a buzzer :

Nice : Come in! (Door opens on the right. Enter Hamlet, in his usual state of dishevelment. He slouches across the floor, muttering ) Nice : (Ostentatiously looks at his watch) You’re late! ..Five minutes ( Hamlet doesn’t reply. He slouches over to the couch, throws himself into it, and falls fast asleep. Snores) . Stop that! Snap out of it! ( Hamlet opens his eyes to show he’s conscious) Freud had a term for people like you. He called it the “lateness syndrome”. He considered it a manifestation of uncconscious hostility towards the doctor, and fined his patients if they showed up late. He also gave them a lecture when they didn’t close the door- as I see you haven’t done. ( Nice strides across the stage and slams the door. Comes back to his desk). Well, I’m not going to do that with you. We live in a more permissive age, for better or worse. Now, what’s troubling you? Hamlet : I could be bounded in a nutshell, yet count myself a lord of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams. Nice : Want to tell me about them? Hamlet : Oh, what’s the use? Nice :Nonsense, Hamlet. You must learn to cultivate a more positive attitude towards life. I want you to be happy. Happiness is where it’s at - along with self- esteem, ego strength , polymorphic perversity and a few other things. If you’re happiest being a walking wounded couch potato, go right ahead. But happiness - happiness is a cuddly id ( Chuckles) Hamlet : Aw, what the hell; okay. I must have dreamed all through last night. I thought I saw ghosts walking about out of their graves, stars dripping with blood, and firey comets flying through the air! Nice : That’s all? Didn’t you hear some cocks crowing? Hamlet : Yes. Thanks for reminding me; I’d forgotten about that part. Nice : Damn it, man! That’s the same dream you had last week! Hamlet : I know; it’s a recurrent dream. I’ve been having it at least once a week since my father died. Always at the stroke of midnight. I know that because I always awake in a cold sweat, my hair stiff as porcupine quills or pieces of dried shit. Nice : Very very strange. Even the good Doctor Freud wouldn’t have been certain of what to do with this. I knew him. I used to visit him in the hospital while he was going cold turkey on his cocaine addiction, and hold his hand. Hamlet : Naughty, naughty! Nice : What did you mean by that? Hamlet : Look at the sexual implications; isn’t it obvious? Nice : Young man, leave the science to me. Your dreams are, as I’ve said, very strange: no sex symbols, no houses, wells, snakes , daggers. It doesn’t give us much to go on, and what you’ve given me has already been free associated all to hell. Why don’t you lie down on the couch? Go ahead, make yourself comfortable. ( Hamlet lies down.) Did anything else happen this week? Hamlet : Yes....but... I find it hard to talk about. Nice : Now perhaps we’re getting somewhere. You’d better tell me. Your dad’s forking up good cash for my services, and it wouldn’t be right to disappoint him. Even if that is your unconscious wish, you sneaky bastard! Hamlet : Well .... okay. Two nights ago I, well, I dropped some acid at a party and....I hallucinated. Nice : Good! Good! ( Furiously taking notes) Go on. Hamlet : I have a friend, Marcellus, I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned this before, he’s got a crash pad in the Old City, and sometimes we get together and hold parties there. I’m trying to remember who was there that night... Horatio, Francisco I think , and Bernardo with his new chick, Orenda, and, Ophelia of course. I’ve got this thing going with her that’s not too healthy, if you know what I mean . like her dead mother is always there stepping between us, and now that I’ve got a dead father it makes it all that much worse . We’ve already discussed that bit haven’t we? Nice :Ophelia is the daughter of your father’s company lawyer, isn’t that right? I just want to keep things straight: after all, there’s also Dorothea, Ingrid, Pam, Greta .... Hamlet : Yea, doc, but Ophelia is something special, even if she is a professional virgin, and I do mean professional ! You know doctor, she’s the kind of girl that... Nice : Later young man, later! Let’s stick with those hallucinations, shall we? Hamlet : Sure, doc. You might think I was getting to be as bad as Polonius! Well, Bernardo came with some real high grade acid, and he passed it around. The agreement was, we supply the pad and the booze, he supplies the acid. Horatio stayed out of it, protecting his brains for science and all that, but the rest of us dropped, including Ophelia, mother or no mother. It took about 15 minutes for the stuff to work on me, but when it did, I freaked, doc! Like I’m staring at Horatio, and all of a sudden he turns into the ghost of my dead father, right before my eyes! Nice : That’s your biological father we’re talking about. Hamlet : Yeah. He was dressesd just the way he used to be when he presided over meetings of the stock-brokers, in a grey pin-stripe suit, conservative, severe, no nonsense about him! The last time I saw him dressed like that he was finalizing a deal between his company and some Norwegian and Polish corporations that thought they could make mince-meat out of him. Not my father! Boy, did he really knock them Polacks dead! Then I noticed that, while Horatio was turning into my father, Ophelia had become my mother, and Francesco my uncle! Nice : Did they do anything? Hamlet : Did they. First mom and my uncle hide themselves in an alcove, and he begins to feel her up. She slaps his face and puts up some resistence, but you could tell it was just pretending, just like she does nowadays! Then he goes away. Horatio, that is to say, my father, looks at his watch, yawns and says : “ 2:30. Time for my afternoon nap.” and he lies down on the bed. While he’s lying there, I see my uncle creeping up behind him. Then he pours a bottle of nitric acid in his ear! Nice : Hmn, hmn, hmn: Hamlet, could you free associate a bit on the word “ear”? Hamlet : Ear...rear....beer ...flying saucer. Nice : ( Throws down his pencil with exasperation): Young man! How the devil did you get from “beer” to “flying saucer” Hamlet : Well, sir, the aliens get thirsty just like we do. They need something to drink. Nice : (Looks dubious) Whatever you say. Go on Hamlet : Suddenly my father rises up, screaming in agony. He looks my uncle full in the face. Uncle disappears while my father keels over and dies. Before he does so, he gives me a piercing look and cries : “My son will avenge me! My son will avenge me!” Then I fainted. When I came too, everyone had returned to their normal selves. I told everyone about the hallucination. Everybody except Horatio laughed at me. Nice : (Removes his glasses, rubs his eyes, looks very sad and compassionate) Young Hamlet my boy: you’ve got what in my 20 years as a doctor must be the most thoroughly ingrained Oedipus Complex in my experience! You virtually identify Ophelia as your mother. You are so overwhelmed by guilt from the death of your father that it becomes twisted into an accusation of murder against your step-father, whom you hate because he got to your mother before you could. By this process of transference-projection you see, you render your overwhelming self-hatred palatable to the inner censor. I must tell you in one way I’m very excited: that hallucination is worth a thousand dreams. You reek of Oedipus, Hamlet! You reek! Hamlet : You’re probably right, doctor. The whole thing was probably sitting around in my unconscious for months, waiting to come out. Still I’ve been doing some thinking on my own, and - well; there’s been some hanky-panky involved, sure enough. Nice : ( Trembles) Just what do you mean, hanky-panky? Hamlet : Doesn’t it strike you as strange that Mom and Uncle Claudy got hitched just two weeks after the old man keeled over? Nice : Maybe not. From the viewpoint of psycho-analysis it’s probably a healthy reaction. The purpose of sex is that it be frankly enjoyed! without getting tangled up with a lot of guilt. I’m more curious to learn why you’d find it upsetting. Hamlet : Upsetting? What a choice of words, doc! I don’t imagine I can make you understand. It all caught up with me during finals week at Harvard. I’m going into my psych exam, when I get the news that my father died . suddenly in his sleep. I drop everything and catch the first flight out of Logan airport to Copenhagen. So, like a dutiful son, I make it to the funeral, all teary eyed ( no fooling; I really did love the old man) . Just before I start back for the States I learn that my mother took off time between her Xanax, Valiums and NoDoz to marry this total worm, Claudy! Bang! Bang! Bang! One thing piled on top of another. The home environment now, if you can believe it, totally disgusts me. It’s an unweeded garden, gone completely to seed! Yet when in absolute desperation I try to leave , this blood-sucking gold-digging swine of a step-father informs me that everyone expects me to stay at home and learn the family business! It wouldn’t surprise me one bit to learn that he murdered his own brother! It wouldn’t surprise me to learn he’d murdered his own mother! Nice : ( Sadly shaking his head): Ah me! Oedipus, Oedipus, Oedipus! More and more Oedipus! ( Looks at his watch). Hamlet, we’ve gone past the 50-minute hour. Just briefly. What are your current plans? Hamlet : For starters I thought I might arrange an autopsy on Dad’s corpse. Nice : (Starts back in terror) My God, boy! Whatever do you want to do that for? Hamlet : Don’t know. May be a complete waste of time and money. Actually I don’t know what I’m going to do. Just keep my eyes open I guess. (Hops off the couch and out the door). See you next week, doc! Nice : Good-bye. And remember, you’re not to come in late! (Nice waits until Hamlet has completely left. Goes to his desk, sits behind it. Appears to be deliberating. Finally he picks up the phone. Dials) Nice : Hello. Hello. Is that you, Claudy? It’s Max. Your step-sons just gone out of here. Look, he said something to me during the session , which makes me think you and I ought to get together, soon. Yes, it’s serious. Yes, it’s about that. He suspects everything. I don’t know how he found out. That’s what I want to talk to you about.. Yes, nine o’clock tomorrow morning will be just fine. Just ring the bell, I’ll let you in myself. See you. Bye for now. (Hangs up the receiver. Sits awhile at his desk, frantically chewing on a pencil. Then he goes to his book shelf, pulls down a big tome. Searches, doesn’t seem to like what he finds. Closes the book, briefly holds his head in his hands as if from extreme worry. Puts the book away, collects his things and leaves the office. ) Act I, Scene III Same as before, 9 AM the next morning . Nice and Claudius enter together, talking rapidly Claudius : Look Max, you’re blowing this thing all out of proportion. We all know Hamlet’s been acting up these past few weeks. He’s depressed because his father died. Hell, you’re the psychiatrist. My marrying his mother kicked off some sort of bullshit Oedipus thing ! isn’t that right?

Nice : Claudy; I’m going to ask you to sit down, because I know you’re not going to like what I have to tell you. ( Claudius sits down; Nice paces the room). There are many mysterious regions of the mind of which science remains uninformed up to this day, Claudy. Experiments with identical twins have conclusively established genetic affinities, telepathic communication, primitive affinities often expressed in forebodings of harm , incomprehensible similarities in behavior. These are strange blood-ties, Claudy. We’ve reason to think that the psyches all closely related persons are bonded in some fashion. Fathers and sons. Well, I can show you a whole literature on this one subject alone. Read Jung... Claudius : (fidgets with impatience ) More matter, Max, with less science. Okay? Nice : I’ll come right to the point, Claudy. It’s not implausible that Hamlet’s psyche has kept in touch with his father’s - even beyond the grave! Claudius : (Jumps up!) Fucken balderdash, Max! Hey! What the hell am I paying you for? Nice : Pipe down, Claudy. Let’s say I’m just blowing hot air. I ask you ,then: how are you going to explain the fact that, during an LSD trip, Hamlet hallucinated an exact image, down to the minutest detail, of the way you bumped off old Hamlet Senior ? Claudius : What?! Nice : That’s right; down to the color socks he was wearing. On top of that, it appears that Hamlet Senior, just before vanishing in a cloud of smoke - and howling like the devil, mind you - commanded his son to vengeance! Against you! Claudius : (Pondering the situation. Obviously thinks all this is nonsense. ) It was a dirty business, all right. I’m not surprised to learn Hamlet’s gone off his rocker. It’s a shame, really. How I love that kid! Nice : Claudy, sometimes you astonish me. Don’t you ever feel any guilt? He was your brother, wasn’t he? Claudius : Hey there, Max! Don’t you talk high and mighty to me! You got your cut! I... well ... what can I say? I’d be a total monster, wouldn’t I, if I didn’t feel remorse once in awhile. It comes and goes, but all in all I’m not sorry for what I did. But he was my own brother; it’s the old Cain and Abel story isn’t it? My own brother, mind you, ( weeps and shouts ) God bless his privileged , pampered, arrogant, larcenous soul! Why Chrisy, Max : of course I feel remorse! Why , just the other night I got down on my knees and prayed, that’s right, bent my sinews like those of a new born baby, and prayed! Prayed damn it! That’s something I haven’t done since I was a teen-ager and Mom forced me to do it. Nice : What did you pray for, Claudy? Claudius : (Thinks) Hey, you know something, Max? I forget Nice : (Excited by a new idea) Claudy: did Hamlet see you doing that? Claudius : It’s an idea , isn’t it. He might have overheard me saying something. His room is right next to ours. Hell, the walls in that dump are so paper thin he probably hears me screwing the old lady! ( Guffaws) Nice : That’s it. He overheard your confession in his sleep, and it came out during his hallucination! Unless you’ve been talking to Gertrude about it? Claudius : Not a word. I don’t think she’d care. She hated the old buzzard’s guts Nice : Nonsense, Claudy. I’m a psychiatrist with 30 years experience: that’s your jealousy speaking. Claudius : Jealousy, huh? Now you listen to me, you sanctimonious egghead! I... Nice : No Claudy: you listen to me! This is serious. What did you do with the poison? Claudius : I got rid of it Nice : How? Claudius : Poured it into the tank of the Mercedes. Nice : Did it do anything to the car Claudius : No; as far as I know it just burned up. The exhaust killed a few squirrels and pigeons, that’s all Nice : What did you do with the bottle? Claudius : Smashed and buried in the landfill of the munitions plant. Nice : We’re in the clear, then. That stuff I gave you wouldn’t show up in an autopsy. Officially the record shows that Hamlet Senior died of a sudden renal collapse. Quite a horrible death I should add Claudius : Tough bananas Nice : (Slaming a fist into his palm ) Then there’s only the kid ! Damn! Claudy, I’m afraid he’s out to get you. He’s going to keep nosing around until he finds something. I’m warning you, Claudy, if he gets too close to me I’m going to dump you! I’ll just wash my hands of you! Claudius : Hold your horses, Max! Are you threatening me? Me? Your bread and butter these last ten years! Why , my whole family, dozens of them, have been in and out of your office like a game of musical chairs! Look: it’s simple. My step-son’s a nut! A loony! You should be able to get him put away. Get him locked up for life! I’ll pay you double for it, Max. Nice : Not so simple, Max. Hamlet isn’t psychotic. He merely has an as yet unclassified neurosis. I plan to write a paper about it entitled “The Hamlet Complex” . Claudius : What’s the difference? Nice : A neurotic, Claudy, builds castles in the air. A psychotic lives in them. And a psychiatrist collects the rent. You see, he feels guilty about his father’s death because somewhere in the subterranean depths of his unconscious he wanted it. He projects his murder wish onto you and, by some weird serendipity, hits on the correct picture. Claudius : If you ask me , his mother’s got a lot to do with it, don’t you think? He’s spoiled rotten! Nice : His mother, Claudy, would still be pinning on his diapers if they made them big enough. Tragically, no matter how sick he is, Hamlet still functions as a rational, intelligent human being. As such he poses an enormous threat. In my opinion , there’s only one thing to be done. Claudius : What’s that? Nice : He still hasn’t much confidence in his theory. I think he didn’t like the way his father ordered him around, even in a vision. Besides the which, it was only a vision. He’s basically a sensible individual and doesn’t feel justified in proceeding on that evidence alone. What I propose doing is suggesting to him a way he can resolve his suspicions. Claudius :Still don’t follow you, Max. how do you intend to do that? Nice :At our next session I’m going to suggest to him that if he acts as if he really is crazy he can throw you off your guard, causing you to let slip with some revelation that will give him the evidence he’s been looking for. But when he works himself up into such a state that even that mother of his will think he’s a nut, well then, I’ve already got the papers filled out to shut him away for a long time Claudius :Brilliant Max, brilliant! How long? Nice : Well; once he’s in the hospital, anything can happen Claudius :Max, you’re an absolute genius. You could easily become a millionaire at anything you turned your hand to. Nice :I may still. Claudy, this is going to cost you. Claudius:How much this time? Nice :400,000 kroner. Claudius :Why you lousy crook! That’s three times the cost of the murder! Nice : Take it or leave it. It’s you’re lookout Claudius :So that’s it, huh? I shouldn’t complain, should I? You always deliver. Can I give you shares in the company? Nice : I’m afraid it’s got to be hard cash, Claudy. I admired your brother as a businessman; but with you and that ass, Polonius, in charge, I wouldn’t paper my walls with your stock. Claudius : I’ll prove I’m a better man than my brother yet, Max. Just you wait. Okay: but not a penny until Hamlet’s cooped up! Nice : One quarter in advance, another quarter after he’s incarcerated, and the remainder after he’s been – ahem –“ cured” Claudius ( Sighs) : Have it your way, Max ( Looks at his watch) Lord! It’s almost 10. I’m due at the office. ( Gets up to leave) Expect your check in the morning, Max. We neec action, fast! Nice :You’ll get it. ( Exit Claudius. Nice paces the floor, thinking. The bell rings. He goes to open the door. Enter Fortinbras.) I’ve been expecting you, Fortinbras. Come on in. He didn’t see you going out, did he? Fortinbras : You mean Claudius? No, I passed him going up the stairs. He’s met my father but doesn’t know me. Nice :Excellent. Come on into my inner office. Let me clue you in to the present situation. You’ll find it quite interesting. ( They disappear through a door in the back. Curtain. End of Act I ) ACT II, Scene 1 A café-nightclub in downtown Copenhagen. Four tables, all occupied. By the left wall there is a stage with a stool, microphone and electric guitar leaning against the wall. Waiters move back and forth between the tables. At a table near the left/center stage sits HORATIO , reading a textbook. Looks up : Horatio : Waiter! Waiter : ( Approaches ) Yes? Horatio : A cappuchino please. No wait; change that to a Viennese coffee. Waiter : Is that all? Horatio :Yes ( Waiter goes off. Horatio returns to his reading. Enter BERNARDO and GRISELDA. They go over to Horatio’s table.) Bernardo : Hi Horatio. Can we join you? This is Griselda Horatio : Pleased to meet you. Of course. Sit down Griselda : Hi. ( They sit down) What’re you reading? Horatio : It probably wouldn’t interest you. It’s by the Icelandic philosopher, Oleg Anderssen . It’s extremely interesting. He’s an existentialist Bernardo : In words of one syllable or less, what’s he saying? Horatio : For a book on philosphy, he’s remarkably lucid. His argument is that God gave us the struggle for existence to help us forget that existence is meaningless. Bernardo : Hey! Heavy stuff! Griselda and I, we’ve just been to a movie, one of those bang’em up thrillers. That’s my kind of entertainment! Horatio : Me too. I just do this stuff for exams. What did you see? (Waiter returns with Horatio’s order) What’re you having? Bernardo : Bring me an apple cider. Griselda? Griselda : Oh ... a diabolo menthe Bernardo : It’s called “Medium Well Done.” a Swedish “art’ film. Horatio : Oh, sure! A typical B-movie in other words Griselda : It really wasn’t that bad. Shall I tell you about it? Horatio : Go ahead Griselda : A well-too- do financier goes crazy. One morning he kills his chef just because he burned his scrambled eggs. Horatio : Easy as that, huh? Go on Griselda : So the financier buries the book’s body in the garden. No-one suspects a thing. But since he’s a strict Catholic, he confesses the crime to his priest. The priest informs the police, the man is arrested and sent to jail for 18 years. The priest is overwhelmed with remorse because he violated confidentiality, and helps the rich man escape from prison. Then both of them get on a ship headed for Australia. Horatio : That’s the end, I hope. Griselda : No; it goes on forever, just like a play by Shakespeare. It turns out that the cook’s widow is on the same boat. She also wants to leave Sweden to start a new life. She conspires with the priest to murder the rich man for his money. Then she sleeps with the priest and he hangs himself because he thinks he’s damned through eternity. Horatio :Strange things do happen in this world. (Glancing at his book ). Philosophy isn’t everything. Bernardo : Horatio, what’s that you’re drinking? It looks good. Horatio : Oh that. A Viennese coffee Griselda : No its not. Its a cappuchino. Horatio : It is? I’ll get the waiter to take it back. I ordered a Viennese coffee. Waiter! Waiter! ( The waiter appears with the cider and the diabolo menthe.) Take this back . bring me the Viennese coffee I’ve ordered. Waiter : (Looks at the glass.) I won’t accept that. It’s more than half finished! Horatio : I didn’t know it was a cappuchino. I ordered a Viennese coffee! Bernardo : Take it easy, Horatio. over at the ‘Artist’s Rendezvous’ what they call the Viennese coffee is called the cappuchino here. Horatio : I don’t care! I demand that you take this back! Waiter : I won’t ! You’ve almost finished it. And that’s that! Horatio : Is that so? Well, we’ll see about that! ( Pushes away chair and lunges at the Waiter. They grapple. Enter HAMLET , FRANCESCO , MARCELLUS ) Hamlet : What’s going on here? ( The newcomers separate the combatants ) Horatio : That waiter owes me an apology! He gave me the wrong order and refuses to take it back. HAMLET : Is that true? WAITER : Maybe I did give him the wrong order, but he waited until it was almost finished before he called me over. My mistakes come out of my own pocket. HAMLET : Go bring him the Viennese coffee. I’ll pay for it. Horatio : I’m not thirsty anymore HAMLET : Bring it. He’ll drink it (Waiter goes off. Hamlet, Marcellus, Francesco sit down.) Horatio, there are times when I just don’t understand you. Usually you’re so quiet and subdued; a bit of a non-entity in fact. Then all of a sudden you explode. Let’s not spoil our night on the town. Bernardo : What’ve you three been up to? Where’s the hurly-burly running to? HAMLET : We’ve been bar hopping, letting off steam. You might call it the national vice: they clept us drunkards everywhere else I’m afraid, adding a few more swinish insults to soil our reputations. This is my last week of freedom before I start ‘working’ - Ha! - in my uncle’s office. He’s just trying to own me just like he owns everything else. Bernardo : (Shakes his head a bit sadly ) Always on your uncle. How’d you three connect? HAMLET : We met at a sailor’s pub , down by the docks. Marcellus fancies himself a writer. He often goes down there to collect - ahem - “material” ( Laughter). Francesco and I just go to watch the boats come in. You know Bernardo, I think someday I might just chuck all this stuff and ship out! Live like a man! See the world! Forget about fathers, uncles, shrinks: that ugly packm of vultures! If my fortunes turn Turk with me! Turn pirate! Fell the deck roll under your feet, swagger like a lord of the earth! Griselda : Well, Hamlet, what’s stopping you? HAMLET : Griselda, if you only knew ( Wearily) I’m only nineteen but I’ve got the cares of an old man... to sleep; to die; perchance to dream...... Griselda : Hamlet, I’m ashamed of you! A big boy like you! What’s wrong ? HAMLET : Well...I was planning to tell you. I’m really glad I ran into you tonight. What a small place Copenhagen is; you should see Boston! I want to swear every one of you to secrecy...( They all stare uncomfortably at one another) Bernardo : Hey man; what’s that all about? Why the cloak and dagger stuff? HAMLET : C’mon. Swear it. Then I’ll tell you. ( From out of nowhere, a booming voice invades the coffee shop) SWEAR!! ( Frightened out of their wits, they all swear to secrecy. ) HAMLET : Okay. Here’s what’s what. I...well, I’ve got reason to believe that my uncle murdered my father! Bernardo: (Slams the table) If that don’t beat all! What next! Horatio: That’s a heavy charge, Hamlet. Have you got proof? HAMLET :It’s not something I could bring to the police..but to me these evidences are convincing. A few weeks ago... ( Waiter returns with Horatio’s Viennese coffee ) Waiter : Could you pay me now? I’m going off for the evening. HAMLET : Sure. But send someone else over. We haven’t ordered yet. ( Pays. A Folksinger mounts the stage.) What was I saying? ..Oh yes, the evidence. My shrink, Dr. Nice, thinks there’s something in it. In fact, he and I have worked up a scheme to trip up that adulterous beast of an uncle of mine. I need your help. Here’s the plan.. ( The lights dim. Spotlight on the stage. The Folksinger sings, so that we can’t hear what they’re saying. Somewhere during his song, Marcellus, Hamlet and Horatio get up to leave. The Folksinger finishes his song and the curtain goes down) FOLKSINGER’S SONG Verse I : I passed a day at Elsinore And learned about the kings of yore And ancient tales of peace and war Beside the gate I spied a lass Aseated in the dewy grass I thought, this maid has got some class!

CHORUS : We danced all day with sheer delight And heard of lovers’ wretched plight We watched the sun go o’er the hill Then went to town dnd drank till we were ill!

Verse II: I sauntered up to her and said ‘There is a spider on your head” She eyed me with unnatural dread I said “ I’ll chase it far away” And on her head my hands did lay Yet once there they began to stray CHORUS: Verse III This damsel caught me by the throat And held me by my overcoat Then tossed me roughly in the moat I cried, “ My dear, the knights of old Who jousted here were often bold Yet maidens hearts were ne’er so cold

CHORUS : Verse IV Quath she, “ It truly makes me sad To see you acting like a cad Lord, by my troth, you’re not so bad” Forthwith she dragged me from my bath And even I began to laugh As arm in arm we walked the path CHORUS Epilogue: We tarried by a wayside inn I learned her name was Rosalind And played upon the violin Then took her home from Elsinore I live upon the second floor I think that I need say no more CHORUS Act II , Scene II At a Sauna bath establishment in Copenhagen. POLONIUS is seated on a wooden bench, a towel wrapped about his middle. As he sweats he reads the stock market section of the daily newspaper. The steam rises, almost obscuring him completely. A few moments pass. Then enter DR. NICE , also with a towel about his middle Nice :Ah, Polo! We’re alone. Good. We can talk without being disturbed Polonius : Hello, Max. What did you want to see me about? Nice :I’ll tell you in a moment. There’s plenty of time. Here, Polo, let me rub your back. ( As they talk , Nice massages Polonius’ back.) Polonius : I can give you half an hour, Max. My daughter, Ophelia’s , in a high school play. I promised I’d be there to see her perform. Have you met Ophelia, by the way? Nice : No. I’ve heard a lot about her, though Polonius : Where? Oh yes, from Hamlet of course. You ought to know that I strongly disapprove of them seeing each other. Strongly! Nice : That’s very sensible , Polo. Hamlet’s bad news for any young lady Polonius :Is that what you wanted to see me about? Nice : No. And I’m not going to say anything more about that subject. Confidentiality and all that Polonius : Oh yes. Yes. That’s enough, Max. Thank you. ( Nice stops massaging. Polonius sits up) Sorry I can’t give you a rub, Max. I’m too old. Nice : No sweat! (Laughs at his own joke.) Let’s get down to business, shall we? How well did you know Hamlet Senior? Polonius : Do you have to ask me that, Max? We were like brothers! I was much closer to him than he ever was with Claudius Nice : Of course. Did you know him well enough to get the true story about the “poison gas” scandal of 1968 ? Polonius : ( Looks at him with astonishment ) Max, that’s long buried. Nice : That’s what I mean. Polo, how much did he pay you to - um - “bury “ it? Polonius : :I don’t like what I think I’m hearing, Max. Nice : One hundred thousand ? Two hundred thousand ? Polonius : :I’ve got to go. I’m sorry. ( Rises to leave.) Nice : Don’t you want to stay to find out where I get my information from? Polonius : I don’t know what you’re referring to , Max. I’ll tell you something else. I don’t think I want to know. Nice : Then I guess it doesn’t matter to you that I know enough to ruin you professionally - Oh yes, and send you to jail, too. Ah ; by the way. Were you ever approached by anyone wanting to know where those 50,000 canisters of CB gas ‘mysteriously’ disappeared? Polonius : You scoundrel! What is this, a shake-down? Nice : : I figured you’d want to stay to find out how I came to know so much. What if I were to tell you that Hamlet Senior was a client of mine from 1967 to 1970. Oh, most people don’t know that. I was, you might say, something of a father confessor to him. Ah... Polo, let me ask you, as a doctor : have you ever been in jail? At your age? With your heart ....What are we talking? Two years? Three years at the outside? ... Polonius : ( Returns to the bench. Sits down. Crushed ) What do you want, Max? Money? Nice : Oh no. Nothing like that. I’m not even after you. I’ve got my sights on bigger game. Polonius : I don’t know what that means Nice : You haven’t got anything, personally, that I need. What you have got is access . You are the only person in a position to pass along certain ...er..’documents’ .. that I may soon find very useful to me ... Polonius : Documents, Max? What sorts of documents? Nice : Ledgers. Account books for certain years. From the munitions plant. The real ones, not the ones Claudius shows to the government auditors. Polonius : What have you got against Claudius? He’s an upright man Nice : ( Contemptuous snort ) Let’s say that I‘m in need of ‘protection’ right now, and having something on him will give it to me. I’m not able to say anything more. Polonius : ( Defeated; resigned) Just exactly what do you want? Nice : Anything. Anything that might compromise him. Copies of old letters. Carelessly mislaid forgeries. Notes thrown in the trashbasket. Whole ledgers if you can get them. Photocopies will do, then you can return the originals. I’ll let you know when I’ll gotten enough material. Polonius : How do I know you’ll leave me alone after that? Nice : : Easy. When you’ve delivered the goods, I’ll hand over all the tapes of Hamlet Senior’s psycho-analysis. I’ve got no reason to keep you on a leash, Polo. I respect you too much. Polonius : : I don’t care about that, Max. When I retire I’m going to check myself into an elderly nursing home and stay there. I gave the best years of my life to rescuing Hamlet Senior from his own folly. Why do I have to keep on paying for it in my old age ? ( Pause) Can I go now, Max? Nice : : Sure, Polo. I’ll drive you home Act II, Scene III A month has passed. Sunday afternoon. Livingroom of the Thorvald mansion. When the curtain rises the stage is empty. Bell rings off-stage left. HANS : ( Offstage right ) I’ll get it ! ( Hans enters, striding across the stage from right to left, going to the front door. He opens it off-stage. We hear a din of voices. Enter on stage from the left : CLAUDIUS , GERTRUDE and about 15 other people, mostly middle-aged, all respectable. They are coming from church, and include the city councillor JENS , ( often referred to as ‘Councillor’) , the minister PASTOR BENGSTROM , friends ALF and MARIA FISCHER , Claudius’ secretary GERDA , the family, doctor DR. HOVARTH , and others. They are all talking as they enter )

CLAUDIUS : ( talking with Adolf ) Not until next year. I tend to agree with Maria ALF : I’m convinced you’re mistaken, Claudius. Look at last winter. Inflation ate up most of our profits. We’ve got to take precautions, just in case PASTOR BENGSTROM: (Interrupting) Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Must you continually talk about business on the Lord’s day? Didn’t you even stop to admire the golden sunbeams in your garden as we came in, spangling o’er the hollyhocks like little elves? ALF : Money doesn’t take a vacation, Pastor. PASTOR : Tsk, tsk , Adolf. I’m grieved for you. Yes, truly. Why, if even the creator of all things rested on the Sabbath, surely you .. ( voice fades into the general noise level. Claudius detaches himself from his friends, goes over to talk with Hans and Gretchen who are setting up tea and cakes ) MARIA FISHER : (to Gertrude ) Isn’t it amazing? You can’t imagine how shocked I was to hear it. Now her mother’s really got her hands full! : I’m surprised she hadn’t expected something like this all along . MARIA : Really? Well, it came as a complete surprise to me! Who’s going to raise the baby if it’s not its parents? The daughter hasn’t got a penny of her own. And, as for the young man, I’ve been told he hangs out in bars, drinking Tuborg and writing silly poems for magazines no-one’s ever heard of! CLAUDIUS: (Claudius appears with a tray of glasses of soda ) Voulez- vous prendre un consummation ? GERTRUDE : J’aime bien MARIA: Oh my! I do think your husband’s offering us a drink! (They take drinks) Well, Claudius: what do you think of the wonderful sermon Pastor Bengstrom delivered this morning? CLAUDIUS: I never listen to his rubbish. GERTRUDE : Claudy! You may think such things, but you shouldn’t bbe saying them in public. CLAUDIUS: Ladies: I’ m going to tell you a secret. I’ve been going to church services for as long as I can remember. I’ve heard Bengstrom drone on for the past 8 years. ( The Councillor has approached and is eavesdropping) More and more lately he’s been sounding like a bagpipe going off in my ears. Councillor : But Claudius, you should have listened today. Surely there can be no principle more noble than the immortality of the soul! CLAUDIUS: Rubbish, councillor. Muck. Councillor: Why, Claudius ; what do you think really happens to us after death? Claudius : All right Councillor, I’ll tell you. The next life is going to be just like this one. It’s going to be sharks and sardines all over again, where the sharks devour the sardines. ( Others have joined the conversation, Hovarth, Bengstrom and others ) Maybe the next time around, some of us sharks will become sardines, and some of the sardines will become sharks. I just hope I’m a shark myself. Dr. Hovarth : Why that’s heresy ! Isn’t it, Pastor ? Pastor: Not exactly ,doctor. Calvin held similar ideas. Most of us here are Lutherans, that’s all. Claudius : Is that so, Pastor? Tell me then, what was all that stuff you were spouting about being ‘absorbed’ in God? Pastor: Ah! I can explain that, Claudius, by making use of your own imagery! As you yourself said, the sharks eat the sardines. Tell me, my good man: who is the biggest shark of them all? Claudius: Dunno, pastor. Guess you got me! Pastor : God, my good man. God! The Heavenly Father! All of us are sardines, and God intends to gobble up every one of us ( Outburst of laughter. Claudius joins in.) Claudius: ( notices Gerda standing over by the wall.) Hey! I think I see my secretary over there. I’m going over to pinch her ass ( Claudius separates herself from the horrified group around him) Hovarth : (Chuckling) Claudius is a good egg. I’ve known him for 15 years. Pastor : Yes; but not a godly man, doctor. Let us pray that his new wife might find a way to lead him back into the fold. (Pause. Sighs) I wonder, in fact, how many of us really have God in our hearts. What about you, Councillor. Does the living God abide in you? Councillor : Pastor! What a question! You must realize that I live each day with the fear of death literally breathing down my neck! Since my last heart attack, my thoughts are continually on the coming world. ( As they converse, we see Gerda and Claudius walking into the kitchen offstage. ) Pastor : I believe you. Yet, did I hear something to the effect that something wasn’t quite right about the way the contract for the cloverleaf highway was awarded to your Aarhus construction company? Councillor : Well, Pastor. Frankly I don’t see how that’s any of your business. Pastor: “ If thy eye offend thee, pluck it out!” Would you really be prepared to cut off your right hand before dipping it into other people’s pockets, Jens? Councillor : Why, this is preposterous! I talk about my heart attack, and he wants me to cut off my hand! For a man of the cloth, you seem to live pretty well. Last summer I gather you took your vacation in Japan. And I know you get yourself a new car every year- and a good one, too! Pastor : Angels and ministers of grace defend us! Its been two years since we’ve been trying to get the city of Copenhagen to underwrote restorations on the church! And you haven’t done a thing to help us! Not one blessed thing. You better think a bit more about supporting churches if you hope to get into heaven. Otherwise you’re liable to be forgotten - just like an old hobby-horse!

GERTRUDE : Pastor! Councillor! What’s the use of all this! We didn’t know you came here just to pick a fight! Come Councillor, you need another cup of tea. ( She picks up his cup.) Councillor : I didn’t come here to quarrel. I just find it strange that a man who dresses like he’s risen from a cemetary tells me how to run my life! Pastor: A cemetery! Oh! Hovarth: Come away, pastor. You’re only provoking one another. ( Leads Bengstrom to another part of the room. Alf Fischer walks over to Jens ) Alf : Bengstrom’s really a good man, Councillor. He has a tendency to pontificate. It goes with his occupation. Why don’t you vote him a few thousand for his steeples, he’ll leave you alone. Ah - there’s something I wanted to discuss with you. (Move to front stage ) I own an office building in the downtown. I’ve had it for almost twenty years. Real estate has soared in that time, and so have property taxes. My taxes have generally been lower than those of my neighbors. Yet recently ... ( Doorbell rings) Gertrude : Hans, will you answer the door? Councillor : Well, Alf. It’s nothing for nothing in this world. What do you propose in exchange? Alf : I like it when people talk straight with me. Here’s my proposal ( Fade into background noise . Enter HORATIO , BERNARDO . MARCELLUS , GRISELDA ) Gertrude : Why, hello , Horatio! Hello, Griselda! It looks like you’re all here today. Make yourselves at home. You’ve come to see Hamlet, haven’t you?

Horatio : He invited us here, Mrs. Thorvald. We didn’t know there’d be a gathering. Gertrude: That’s quite all right. Hamlet’s been in his room most of the day. I hope he’s not ill. We haven’t seen him since we got back from church. I’ll go tell him you’ve arrived. ( Gertrude ascends staircase ) Alf : Apparently we see eye to eye, Councillor. Let’s shake on that. (They shake hands ) Who’re they? Councillor: Some friends of Hamlet’s . The younger generation - you know, the usual scum. Alf : Let’s go back to the party. ( They mingle ) Griselda : Why didn’t he tell us his parents were holding a party? I can’t feel comfortable with that kind of person around. Marcellus: He explained it last night, but you weren’t listening. He intends to spring some sort of ‘surprise’ on them. Bernardo: Well, it better be good Horatio : Here comes his mother again Gertrude : He says he’ll be right down. In the meantime, I’d like to introduce you to some of our friends. Pastor Bengstrom, this is Horatio. Pastor: How do you do? Horatio: Hello. Gertrude: And this is Griselda. Her father is a professor at our own Copenhagen University. He’s an authority on Saxo Grammaticus. ( A cry . GERDA comes running out of the kitchen , hair and clothes rumpled. She shouts towards stage right.) Gerda : You animal! Keep your dirty hands off me, you pig! (Claudius enters from the right, ruffled, embarrassed, sweating) Alf : Claudius! What’s wrong? Claudius : Nothing, Alf. Gerda tends to be hysterical. I don’t see much of a future for her in our office. Gerda : You’re going to fire me, aren’t you? You just try it. I’ve got a good lawyer. And all these people are my witnesses. Gertrude : Claudy dear - what’s the matter! Gerda : You husband just tried to rape me! You don’t know what I’ve had to put up with! He - (Enter HAMLET, descending the staircase. He is wearing woman’s clothing: a brocaded and sequined dark gown, high heels, a platinum blond wig. His cheeks are covered with a thick overlay of rouge. He is wearing lipstick and black eyeshade . ) Gertrude : (Screams ) AHHHHH! Alf : (Enraged ) Hamlet! What is the meaning of this? ( Hamlet reaches the bottom of the staircase. Walks over to his uncle. ) Hamlet : Hey there, unky honey. What does my little naughty Claudy really know about us ladies? Oh, cootchy coo! ( Scratches him under the chin) Little unky wunky baby. Darling Gerdy’s outta your class, wunky honey. Go get yourself a real tramp - like our own mumsy wumsy! ( Gasps of horror about the room. Hamlet twirls about the floor, showing off his dress). Unky wunky honey baby - Little Hamlet knows what turns you on. Incest is best, wunky. And Freud’s enjoyed! Oh , unky let’s get cuddly. Come to your own Hamlet lover-boy! Pastor : By the living God, I swear to you that Satan has been let loose in this house! ( Hamlet walks over to Horatio ; they engage in petting, necking, etc. ) Was it God’s will that I be brought here today to be a witness to such things? Do not believe, my friends, what doctors are telling us today: such moral derangement does not stem from sickness, but from sin! Claudius : I’ll thrash him til he howls ! ( Moves to attack Hamlet. Is restrained by the others) I’ll break his damnable pride! Hamlet: ( dancing with Horatio ) You’re wasting your time, unky: I’ve found myself a real man! Why Horatio, honey, you dance just like my father! My real father I mean, not that puffed up monkey over there. Horatio : (Enters into the game ) Why don’t we stroll into the garden, Hamy-boy, for our usual tryst! Eh? ( Horatio rubs Hamlet around the area of the breasts. They stroll together, off-stage ) Griselda : I thought they’d never come out of the closet. What fun! ( She and Bernardo break down in giggles ) Hovarth : That young man needs medical attention. I know of a clinic, just for transvestites. ( Starts to leaf through a phone number book he carries with him) Pastor : Transvestite! Did you hear that ? Every sin has a name! Every vice has a therapy! But I know the true cause of Hamlet’s illness! He has grown up in a house without Christ ! Gertrude: Pastor , don’t preach morality to us. Claudius : You’ve got no monopoly on virtue, you stupid hypocrite! Pastor : I tell you all! I have always known the Thorvald house to be the very vineyard of the devil! Hamlet Senior , all of us know, was a swindler and a thief! His brother, Claudius, is a paragon of blasphemy, lechery and free-thinking! I will not sully the name of the fair hostess by telling you what she should properly be called! And what a rich harvest we find in this pitiable young sinner, Hamlet, a man of promise turned to the wickedest libertinism, salacious and foul, beneath the dignity of a dog! ( He faints. Others go to his assistance ) Councillor: He’s fainted. Take him to the couch ( They do so. Hamlet and Horatio enter from the garden.) Claudius : Hamlet, this is all your fault. What do you have to say for yourself? Hamlet : Oh unky, is that you? I know you’re jealous, unky. But you know - if you want to have me, you’ll have to kill Horatio too, just like you did to daddy! (Claudius goes out of control. He picks up a chair and hurls it across the room. It requires most of the men present to subdue him. Hamlet stands aside , fanning himself with the program from the morning’s church service.) Gertrude : Hamlet! I insist you apologize to your father! And to me. How’s pastor Bengstrom doing? Pastor : I’m feeling better. ( He sits up on the couch. Someone hands him a cup of tea, which he takes and drinks) . Gertrude : As soon as you’re able , pastor, I suggest that you leave. You arenn’t welcome here anymore. Pastor : Let us hope that, when I die, Hell will also tell me I’m not welcome ( Drinks tea sullenly. Later gets up, collects his coat, and leaves ) Dr. Hovarth : (Goes over to Gertrude ) This is more serious than I thought. Why isn’t ehe seeing a psychiatrist? Gertrude : He’s been going to Maximillian Nice. His number’s in the phonebook Dr Hovarth : I know him ( Goes to use the telephone. Sits down and dials ) Hamlet : ( To Marcellus ) DId you mark that? Marcellus : Indeed. I was much astonished. It really blew my mind. Your theory may have something after all. I still don’t dig the get-up. Hamlet : Oh, that was Max’s idea. Let’s go into the dining-room, and I’ll explain it all to you. Dr. Nice read me a passage from a book by Wilhelm Reich in which he says ( Fade. They go into the kitchen ) Claudius: ( On the floor, bellowing ) Let me go! Let go of me! Adolf : Do you think it’s safe to turn him loose? Claudius: Let me up! I won’t attack anybody. Councillor : Hamlet’s off in the other room. I suppose it’s all right. ( They release Claudius . He stands up, staggers to a chair ) Claudius: I’ve never let any man get the better of me. never! I’ll make Hamlet pay! Make him pay! You’re ALL going to pay for this! ( Looks around ) What is this? What’re you all looking at me like that for? So. All of youn hate me, do you? You all hate me! Because I see what I want and I’m not afraid to take it! You’re all like me, but you’ve got no guts! You’re mice! I know what you’re thinking. I see it in all your faces. You think I’m a murderer! A MURDERER ! A MURDERER ! A MURDERER ! A MURDERER ! ( Breaks down, Crumples to the floor, weeping ) ADolf : What do we do now. Maybe we should get him to bed. Claudius : No!! ( Sits up. More quietly )Get out - all of you. Leave. Right now Councillor : Claudius, we can’t leave you like this. You don’t realize what a bad state you’re in. And what about Hamlet? What’s going to happen to him. Claudius: Hamlet? Where’s Hamlet? I’ll tear him apart with my bare hands. I’LL KILL HIM! ( Breaks down again ) Maria : We’ve got to do something. Can’t we calm him down? C Dr. Hovarth : (Puts down the telephone.) I’ve just spoken to Dr. Nice. He’s been expecting something like this for some time, He said that Hamlet’s got to be incarcerated immediately. The ambulance should be along in a few minutes. Claudius, I’m going to give you a sedative for your nerves. ( He pulls out an ampoule and syringe from his briefcase. Whispers to Maria) This will knock him out. It’s the only way. Claudius : Help me up. I need to sit down ( They help him to a couch) a Gertrude : I should never have remarried. All the experts in the newspapers say that second marriages are bad for children. Claudius : Always thinking of Hamlet instead of me, Gertrude? Is that the way it’s always going to be? ( Hovarth rolls up his sleeve. gives the injection) Hamlet can do no wrong ! Well, I’ll tell you something, wifey dear: I’m a better man than he is. A better husband, a better father. When did you say that ambulance was coming? Hovarth: It should be along in five minutes, Claudius. Claudius : Good. Maybe we’ll have some peace around here ( Falls asleep) Hovarth : He’s out ( Sits down) Gertrude, could you pass me some more tea? I suggest the rest of you go home now. The spectacle won’t be very pleasant if you stay around. I know; I’ve seen it before. Gertrude : Hamlet’s returning. ( She brings Hovarth a new cup of tea. People are leaving. Re-eneter HAMLET , MARCELLUS, GRISELDA, from the dining room, Hamlet sees Horatio ) Hamlet : Oh, there you are Horatio! I was just wondering what had happened to you. Marcellus and I were having a dandy time together. Marcellus : Don’t you think it’s time to stop the comedy, Hamlet? Look at your dad. He’s unconscious Hamlet : How long has he been er ‘non compos mentis’ ? Since his birth I mean. MAria : About ten minutes. ( Hamlet sits down in a chair next to hers) Hamlet : Let him sleep, It won’t do him any good in the long run. At least it keeps you out of trouble. Do you mind if I confess something to you? Councillor : ( Leaving ) Good night, Adolf. Aren’t you coming too? ADolf :Somebody has to stay until this is over. Councillor : I suppose you’re right. Let’s get going, Gerda ( They leave) Maria : I’m listening Hamlet : You may consider it strange, but right now I feel more like my real self than I have in ages! No, I don’t mean these ( indicating his clothes) That’s just fooling around - antics, you know; it’s in my disposition. We all appreciate a good joke once in awhile don’t we. I mean - you know I’m just fooling, don’t you ? MARIA: If you say so, Hamlet. Hamlet : The REAL masquerade is my uncle and mother. What I’m doing is only a phony masquerade. Ever since I was a kid I’ve always wanted to go around wearing women’s clothes. Finally I do it - as a joke! Just a joke. But boy, do I get a kick out of it. If I weren’t so much of a prig, I might really consider becoming a transvestite. ( Enter, from Stage Left, two hospital attendants in white uniforms, holding a strait jacket between them. They advance quickly through the room to the couch) Maria : That’s what life’s all about, isn’t it Hamlet. Doing what you enjoy most? Hamlet: I won’t be doing this all the time, you understand. People might think I was crazy! ( Attendants reach Hamlet. He springs up in surprise and fear ) What do you want? ( The attendants don’t reply. They try to grab him. He springs over his chair. Horatio grapples with one of the attendants and sends him sprawling, Marcellus and the other are locked in struggle.) Hamlet : Horatio! Marcellus! Hold them off! ( He runs to stage left. The way is barred by Hovarth, brandishing a stick. ) Hovarth: It’s no use, Hamlet. You’d better go peacefully ( Hamlet dashes across the room and bolts up the stairs.) Gertrude : God is punishing me for my sins! ( Faints. The attendants break free from their assailants) First Attendant : That way! ( They rush up the stairs. Sounds off stage. A door being broken down. A fearful struggle as Hamlet is subdued. ) Act II, Scene iv Office of the Thorvald Munitions Plant. Planning tables, blueprints for weaponry, desks, computers, chairs, etc. Running across the length of the back wall is a screen. Its upper part is a single sheet of rough opaque glass. The screen is divided into compartments each with a door and a name plate : ‘Manager’, ‘Executive Director’ , ‘Vice-President’ , ‘Accountants’ . Off right of center stands a door with the name-plate ‘ Claudius Thorvald, President’. It is late at night. Enter from left, Polonius, in conversation with the NIGHT WATCHMAN.)

Watchman : I never done this for no one, sir. You the first in ten years I do this for. Polonius : Yes yes, my good man. Dispense with apologies; they’re such a waste of a man’s imagination. Just give me the keys and go about your business. Watchman : I don’t want no trouble. Polonius: What makes you think you can’t trust me, Sven? I’ve been handling the firm’s affairs for over thirty years! Watchman : I don’t know nothin’ about that. I give you the keys because otherwise I lose my job. ( Hands him the keys to the row of office cubicles). I’m going now. Don’t forget to return the keys before you go out. Polonius: Of course. Oh...and remember. Not a word to Mr. Thorvald! I...... I’ll tell him myself Watchman: You think I crazy or something? It ain’t none of my business! ( Watchman leaves. Polonius tries a few keys on the door of Claudius’ office. Enters. Sounds of cabinets being opened, desk drawers pulled out, etc. While this is going on, Claudius enters from the right. He notices that the door to his office is open and goes to investigate. When he hears Polonius he hides himself behind a partition. Soon Polonius walks out of the office heavily laden with books and papers. He sits down at a table and spreads the documentation in front of him. ) Polonius : That’s quite a lot of evidence! There must be things in these papers that even I don’t know about! Well, let’s see... ( Sorts through material)... I hope Max can photocopy what he needs before tomorrow night.. Accounts for July through September, 1975... Private letters to distributors in Uganda, Pakistan, Indonesia... Northern Ireland? I bet that’s dynamite! ...Letter from a cabinet minister dated...last week ...... Hmmmm.. What’s this? ( Polonius extracts a stapled 4 page document.... examines it curiously. Begins to read): “ I , Claudius Thorvald, Age 49, being the fourth son of Erik and Agnes Thorvald, residing at ,etc..etc...being of sound mind ....and so forth “ .. (Pause. Resumes reading ) “ do hereby confess that, with the close collaboration of the eminent Copenhagen psychiatrist, Maximilian Nice, I did murder my elder brother, Hamlet Thorvald, in a cruel and cowardly fashion on the afternoon of May 15th , 1976 . My motives were jealousy, greed and ambition, in that order. I may also have hated my brother; certainly I had no great love for him. I have no regrets, and am only confessing because.... “ ( Polonius turns the page over ) It breaks off! ( Begins to examine the second sheet. Claudius steps out from behind the partition. In his right hand is a pocket pistol. Polonius neither sees nor hears him ) Watchman: This is incredible ! So that’s why Max needs protection ... (Reads) “ Dr Nice delivered a bottle of some nitrous oxide compound with a complicated name. Three years ago it was commonly used in Latvia as a poison against snakes. It affects the kidneys, acts swiftly to cause almost instantaneous death. Then it rapidly dissolves without trace. On that afternoon, as my brother took his customary nap, I silently crept up behind him ( Claudius is within firing range of Polonius. He rattles a chair to attract his attention): Polonius: Claudius !!! NO !!!! ( Claudius fires 3 rounds , point blank. Polonius rises up out of his chair, slumps over) I am slain ! ( Body sinks to the floor. Watchman comes running in ) Watchman : What’s going on around here? ( Sees Polonius’ body sprawled on the floor. Looks up, sees smoking pistol in Claudius’ hand) My God! Claudius: Polo has just been killed by a prowler. Go find him. ( Waves pistol menacingly at Watchman ) Hurry up! He must be escaping right now! Watchman :( Snapping to attention ) Oh, yes sir! Right away! (Runs off. Claudius kneels down, rummages through Polonius’ pockets. End of Act II) Act III Act III, Scene 1: A private mental hospital in the suburbs of Copenhagen. The hospital garden, surrounded by a high wall. Walkways, benches and flower beds. It is late afternoon, the hour of the daily outdoor stroll for the inmates. Patients, nurses, attendants standing, walking, sitting on the benches. From time to time the sound of a buzzer or bell. Every now and then a voice comes on over the public address system , requesting a doctor to go to a certain location. A catatonic, hunched into a ball and perched like a hawk, sits on a bench. He ( or she) remains motionless throughout the scene. Another patient walks around animated, gesticulating vividly, talking to him or herself. Woman sitting on bench endlessly combs and uncombs her hair, letting out a shriek from time to time. There is a tree in the garden. A patient is amusing himself by doing chin ups with it. HAMLET sits apart on a bench, reading a book. He is attired in hospital pajamas. Enter from right GROUP OF YOUNG STUDENT NURSES . They burst onto the scene, chatting gaily. All are college age women. Each claims a different patient as their own, goes over to them, and makes a determined effort to ‘ communicate’ . Several are dressed in provocative clothing, most of them are stupid. One has sat down on the bench next to the catatonic and begun firing questions at him. He remains silent. Another doggedly follows in the footsteps of the patient who is talking to himself. NURSE sits down next to Hamlet, who makes a vain effort to ignore her.) Nurse : So ..like.. ya know : Are you reading something? Hamlet: No Nurse: Like , what’re you reading? Hamlet: Get lost Nurse : I mean, what’s it about? Ya know, like? Hamlet : Words, words , words Nurse : Do you like to read books, ya know ? ( Hamlet Sits in stony silence ) How do you feel?..like . I mean, do you have any ‘bad’ feelings you want to talk about? Ya know? ( Hamlet lays down the book and stares at her with astonishment. ) Is there some reason why you’re not answering my questions? Hamlet : Because I’ve got nothing to say to you. Nurse : ( All phases end in up-turned question mark) You must make an effort to express your feelings? It’s good therapy? ( Hamlet continues to stare at her , amazed ) PUBLIC ADDRESS SYSTEM : WILL DOCTOR KIERKEGAARD PLEASE GO TO WARD 7 ! DR. KIERKEGAARD TO WARD 7 ! Hamlet :Do you understand what the loudspeaker is saying? Nurse : Yes? Someone’s calling for Dr. Kierkegaard? Ya know! Hamlet: No. I don’t know. All I know is that there isn’t any Dr. Kierkegaard on the hospital staff. One of the attendants explained it to me. Certain code expressions have been adopted for use over the public address system, so as not to frighten the inmates. “ Dr. Kierkegaard” is the code expression for a medical emergency, like a heart attack. “Ward 7” doesn’t mean ward 7; it means Ward 9, where the senile cases are. Nurse : Oh. Like I didn’t know that? Hamlet : ‘ Dr Freud’ means that one of the violent cases is acting up. The expression ‘ Dr. Jung is wanted in the clinic’ means that all hell has broken loose on the 3rd floor. That’s where the violent ward is. It’s simple, really. Nurse : Do you feel better since you’ve come to the hospital? (Hamlet throws his book on the ground in exasperation) Nurse : Were you expressing a need by doing that? ( Hamlet stands up abruptly and starts to walk away from her. She stands up and follows him around the grounds like a harrying demon. Hamlet stops, turns around in a fury) Hamlet : What do you want from me ?!! Nurse : Like express yourself ya know? Tell me about yourself? Why did you come here? Ya see? Hamlet : I’m here because I was framed. Nurse : Oh? Ha, ha? They all say that? You were framed? I bet? Ya know? Like? I suppose, ya know, you’re going to tell me, ya know, that your psychiatrist framed you? Like ya know? Hamlet : How did you know that? YA KNOW!! Nurse : You must think everybody’s plotting against you? Like maybe I’m plotting against you? Hamlet: The thought never entered my head. You’re much too stupid. Nurse : Why do women make you feel inferior? Hamlet : Women don’t make me feel inferior. Nurse : (Triumphantly) Like I knew you would say that? Ya know? Hamlet : (Seething with anger) Will you leave me alone? Nurse : I bet you feel alienated? Hamlet : Will you please leave me alone? Nurse : Like okay? I have to go now? Ya see , I’ll be back tomorrow? Like ya know? Really, like...we can talk some more? Won’t it be fun! You like fun, don’t you? Ya know, you’re making good progress? See you? Like ya know? ( Hamlet watches her leave. Throws his book across the garden and stamps his feet in rage. Calms down. Sits on bench again ) P.A. SYSTEM : WILL DOCTOR SPOCK PLEASE GO TO THE SECOND FLOOR LAVATORY? DOCTOR SPOCK TO THE LAVATORY! Hamlet : ( Perplexed ) That’s a new one. ( The patient who has been chinning himself on the tree branch now swings himself onto it and begins crawling along towards the wall. It’s an escape attempt. An attendant sees him and blows a shrill police whistle. 3 Attendants come running out the door and start to climb up into the tree after the patient. A crowd of inmates gathers around the tree. During this commotion, Enter OPHELIA, with 2ND NURSE. They sit down on a bench, Ophelia busies herself with her knitting. ) P.A. SYSTEM : DR. PAVLOV IS WANTED ON WARD SIX! PAVLOV ON WARD SIX! PAVLOV! SIX ! ( Loudspeaker repeats message over and over. Two attendants and a nurse rush from the building into the garden. They transport a wheelchair, strait jacket and hypodermic syringe. The attendants pull the escapee down from the tree and wrestle him to the ground. He is injected. An attendant speaks into a cell phone, The Loudspeaker ceases. The escapee is put into the strait jacket and forced into the wheelchair. He is rolled away. Things return to normal. Hamlet, who doesn’t yet recognize Ophelia, regards the pair curiously ) OPHELIA : Oh! I do hope I can finish this scarf in time! ( Hamlet freezes. He’s recognized her voice). Mother is coming today to see me, and I do want to be ready! ( Hamlet, unable to believe his ears, walks slowly towards the bench.) Look! It’s spring already, but my flowers aren’t in bloom yet! Where are my rhododendrons? Where are they? Where? Where? ( Begins to cry ) 2ND Nurse : Quiet, Ophelia. You mustn’t upset yourself. Hamlet: Ophelia! Is that you? OPHELIA : (Gazes at Hamlet, startled. Turns to Nurse) Who is this young man ? 2ND Nurse : I think he knows you Ophelia. Why don’t you ask him? Hamlet : Ophelia! I’m Hamlet! Don’t you recognize me? Why, we saw each other at least once every day for five years!!! 2ND Nurse : You mustn’t be angry, sir. Her memory has blanks OPHELIA: Ham? Let? Hamlet? I once knew a Hamlet. But he was not like you. No. Nothing at all like you. He was very handsome; and a bit sad. We could have been married. But his father died, and he went mad, and they took him away. ( Pause) I ,too, once had a father ( Weeps ) Hamlet: What’s this? Had a father? Once ? Of course. Polonius was old. 2ND Nurse : It’s more complicated than that, sir. You see, Ophelia’s father was killed by a robber who broke into the factory where he worked. Hamlet : Murdered? How strange! No one’s told me anything. 2ND Nurse : It only happened last Thursday. His death has made poor Ophelia an orphan. She went to live with her aunt, but a few days later she had a total nervous collapse. She’s in a terrible way, sir. I sometimes cry just to see her in this condition. OPHELIA : Nurse: When is mother coming? She told me I should wait for her in the garden. Hamlet: Ophelia! Your mother’s dead! Surely she can’t believe... OPHELIA : What! What are you saying? Nurse, who is this man? Why is he bothering me? Tell him to go away! 2ND Nurse : Quiet, Ophelia. He means you no harm. Hamlet, don’t try to reason with her. You can see for yourself it doesn’t do any good. Hamlet : Oh! This is beyond anything I can bear! Are my griefs not already piled so high as to break my very bones? Such things: loss of memory, delusions - is there no known cure for them? Haven’t they found some way to minister to a mind diseased? 2ND Nurse : Drugs. Drugs and rest. That’s all , as far as I can see. Then the patient must minister to herself. ( Lowers voice ) Tomorrow morning she begins shock treatments! My theory is, if you ask me, that if they could find the person who did it, she’ll recover. Hamlet: No doubt you’re right. Did the murderer leave any clues? Was it in broad daylight? 2ND Nurse : No. It was after midnight. No one knows why Ophelia’s father was working in the plant so late at night. The murderer’s disappeared without a trace. The night watchman said he saw him run out. The only other person in the plant at the time was Mr. Thorvald. Hamlet : What? That adulterate beast again? Old treacherous lecherous? My uncle! Oh, my prophetic heart. ( Ophelia has stood up and now promenades about the garden. She seems to be staring at something in the distance) OPHELIA : Is it? Is it .. you? No! No!!! Have you come for me? Have you come for me at last? Is it really you, mother?? Yes mother, of course I’m glad, mother, that you’ve come. Yes...I’ve been a bad girl. But now I promise to behave. I promise!! Oh, mother, I’ve always been so frightened when you come to see me. Can’t you see I’m trembling? What? What?? No, don’t worry about father. I bring him his warm milk and slippers every evening and read to him on Sunday afternoons. Only... he died ... All right. Wait for me. I’m coming. ( Wanders off into another part of the garden and continues her monologue .) Hamlet : Hallucinations! Or perhaps it is I who am truly mad! Or do I in truth witness the most precious flower in all creation hurled into the dark abyss of Unreason? No, it cannot be so! ( Weeps ) 2nd Nurse : Take comfort, Hamlet, she doesn’t know she’s suffering. We know what we are, but not what we may be. The readiness is all.... Hamlet: Could I but find the coward that killed Polonius, I would gouge out his eyes with glass slivers! 2nd Nurse: Calm down, Hamlet. You must not imbalance your own mind...Ah..well, if you ask me, it was an inside job, all right. Hamlet: Inside job? What are you talking about? 2nd Nurse: The murder, so greenly done: no evidence of a prowler, no robbery. Only the night watchman. And, yes, the president, Thorvald. Hamlet: What? What are you suggesting? Is it possible? 2nd Nurse: Anything is possible. The watchman has a criminal record. He spent four months in jail a few years ago...I don’t remember what for. And this, er, Thorvald .. a shady character, no doubt of it. Hamlet: Indeed! Oh, I could tell you things about him that would make your hair stand up in excrements! 2nd Nurse: Why, do you know him? Hamlet : Only that he is my uncle, now my step-father, and the lowest reptile crawling the earth! 2nd Nurse: Your uncle! Why, I didn’t ..... Hamlet : Excuse me; I’ve got to go. Hamlet : Oh my, I;m always forgetting that the minds here are so fragile, all on the edge. Now look at what I’ve done. Why, what makes you think he’s your uncle? : I’m sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve got to go now. ( Stands up and hurries towards the door. Part way there he turns around, walks back to Ophelia. He tries to elicit some response from her. Getting none he walks away, sadly shaking his head. Exit. A shrill bell. Attendants begin rounding up patients to take them back to the wards.) 2nd Nurse : Come,. Ophelia. It’s time to go in. Act III, Scene 2 Consultation Room of Dr. Nice. He’s talking to Fortinbras. Nice : I think you know why I called you, Fortinbras. I’m in a tight squeeze. I need some solid leverage, and I need it now! Fortinbras: I haven’t had time! We’ve got spies in the plant for the past two weeks, that’s all. Nice : Try to understand my situation. Last week, after Claudius killed Polo... Fortinbras: What? Are you sure? Nice : Claudius killed Polo because he was snooping around, under my instructions, looking for evidence to frame Claudius. Polo came up with something really hot. It won’t take Claudy long to trace his activities back to us. Then ( enter Nice’s SECRETARY. ) Yes, Ilsa, what is it? Secretary : Excuse me, Dr. Nice, but Mr. Thorvald is here to see you. Nice: All right. Tell him I’m tied up in a consultation and will see him in about ..ten minutes. ( Ilsa leaves ) Now do you understand? Fortinbras: I’ll do what I can, Max. I’m as interested in ruining Thorvald munitions as you are. They almost drove us into bankruptcy last year. I’ll put the screws on my men. The Thorvalds cover their tracks pretty well: look at Old Hamlet! Nice : Yes. You look at him, if you like looking at a bag of rotting flesh and bones. I’ll gladly send his brother after him, but we live in a complicated world. The sooner we nail him, the better it is for all of us. ( Fortinbras rises to leave) Go out the back door. ( Indicates the door. Fortinbras puts hand on the knob, then turns around): Fortinbras: When’s our next meeting? I’m free Tuesday Nice : That’s fine. You’d better go now. (Fortinbras exits. Nice tidies up the room, sits at desk arranging papers. Presses a button. Soon there is a knock on the door.) Come in! (Enter Claudius) Claudy, come , sit down. What brings you here? Claudius: I’ll stand, if you don’t mind. I-ah - you must have read about that little escapade at the plant the other night? Nice : Yes. Did they catch the crook who did it? Claudius: Not yet but they’re working on it...Ah... I have a theory about why Polo was there that late at night. Nice : Oh, is that so? Why aren’t you taking it to the police? Claudius: Shut up when I’m talking to you! I won’t be trifled with, Max! We’re in this together! If I go down, you go along with me. Nice : My impression is that you’re doing a pretty good job of going down all by yourself. Look Claudius, I suggest you sit down. The police aren’t that stupid. You’re a prime suspect no matter what you think. You need me as much, I dare say even more than I need you. ( Claudius sits down in confusion) . You did kill Polo, didn’t you? I mean, you don;’t have to tell me. Claudius: Of all the lousy insinuations!! ... I had to Max. He was reading the confession. Nice : The WHAT? Claudius: I .. I wrote out a confession. I don’t even know myself why I did it. No need to trouble yourself: I burned it. Nice : Nothing to worry about, he says. He’s got a second murder on his hands, and he says there’s nothing to worry about. He leaves a trail a mile wide that a school kid could uncover. Thank GOD for the stupidity of our police! So he breezes in to me tell everything’s cozy. All because he gave into some mysterious urge to write a confession! Claudius: do you know what I think? I think you need my professional services. Would you do me a favor and get up and lie down on that couch over there? Claudius: I’ll do anything you say, Max. I’m going to pieces. ( Lies down on couch. Sits up with a sudden flash of anger) : Why the hell did you get Polo to dig through my personal files??! Nice : You’ve got to calm down, Claudy. We’ll go through all that in a moment. Just lie back and clear your mind. That’s right. ( Nice comes around with pad and pencil and sits in a chair by his head). Now Claudius, let’s free associate. Just say anything that comes into your mind. Claudius: All my life I’ve wanted somebody to understand me. My childhood was lonely and miserable. When I was six our father took us to Tivoli Gardens. I wasn’t allowed to do anything I wanted, but my brother Hamlet was. Once I was beaten for something he’d done. I’ve never forgotten that beating... ( Curtain) Act III, Scene 3 Outside the walls of the asylum. 11 at night. The walls take up most of the right end of the stage. BERNARDO is pacing back and forth in front of the walls. Consults his watch. Continues walking. Enter FRANCESCO. It is dark, they cannot see each other very well.) BERNARDO : Who’s there? Francesco: Nay, answer me. Stand and unfold yourself. ( Enter MARCELLUS) Bernardo : Long live the king! Francesco : Who’s that nowadays. I’ve forgotten Francesco : Who’s there? Oh, it’s you , Marcellus Marcellus : He Bernardo : Bernardo. You come most carefully upon your hour. Marcellus: Have you had quiet guard? Francesco: Not a mouse stirring. Hey, Marcellus, you gave me quite a scare! Francesco : Tis now struck twelve Bernardo : Have you brought the rope? Marcellus: Here ( Sound of a car parking ) Bernardo : What’s that. Speak to it, Francesco. Francesco: I’ll cross it, though it blast me! ( Car horn honks ) Marcellus: Who are you that usurps this time of night? Bernardo : Horatio? ( Enter Horatio) Horatio : A piece of him - I’ve got the ladder. Francesco: Let’s get to work. Hamlet should have made it to the garden by now. ( Rock comes flying over the garden wall. Lands at their feet) That’s him now. Quick! The rope! ( They pick up the rope and throw it over the wall at the spot from which the rock came) Horatio: The ladder won’t stand by itself. Marcellus, over here. I need some help. ( They brace the ladder, while Francesco and Bernardo hold the rope.) Bernardo: I feel a pull. Francesco: Let’s hope it’s Hamlet. ( Hamlet appears at the top of the wall.) Marcellus : There he is! Hold that ladder! ( Hamlet descends the ladder. ATTENDANT appears at top of wall. Reaches for Hamlet with free hand. Francesco asnd Bernardo release the rope, Hamlet gives Attendant a shove. Attendant topples backwards into the garden. ) Francesco : Hurry up! Hamlet: I’ve got terrible news. They’ve taken Ophelia and - Francesco : No time to talk. Go over to the car and get in. You’ll find some clothes on the front seat. ( They make their exit off stage. End of Act III) ACT IV SCENE I The Thorvald Mansion. Claudius’ study. Claudius is seated with Laertes, who has just returned from Paris. Claudius : If you really think it was me who killed your father, why are you bothering to talk to me? Laertes: I thought that if I confronted you, you’d confess. Mr. Thorvald, did you really expect me to believe that rubbish in the papers about an unidentified gangster? Claudius : Why not, son? If we were at the plant I could show you how it could be done. The theif came in through the window. Polo surprised him as he was opening the safe. The thief shot him and made good his escape. This may come to you as an unpleasant shock: the real question is, what was Polo doing there in the first place? Laertes: Why of all the - ! What are you implying? Claudius : It hurts me to have to be the one telling you this, Laertes: your father was having ...some money problems. The truth is in fact, that the killer was .... Well, if you insist on knowing, he was probably Polo’s accomplice. Laertes : ACCOMPLICE? Why you dirty old swine! I’m going to cram those words down your throat! Claudius : Let go of me, you fool! I can’t change the way things are. ( Gertrude comes running in ) Gertrude : What’s going on? Help! Help! ( Laertes releases his grip) Claudius : It’s nothing Gertrude. Let him ask his fill. Laertes: He’s accusing my father of being a thief! Gertrude: What’s that, Claudy? Is it true? Claudius: I’m afraid so. I haven’t told anyone until now. Polo was carrying 60,000 krnoer on him from the office safe when I discovered the body. I - I put it back so that no one would know. Sit down, Laertes. ( Laertes collapses into a chair, overcome) Your father was a good man, basically. He should have come to me. I would have given him the money. Laertes, you ought to know that I paid for his funeral. I’m also covering the cos ts of Ophelia’s stay in the mental hospital Laertes : I don’t know if I should believe you or not. Gertrude: Laertes, my husband dearly loved your father. Claudy isn’t an easy man to get along with. I should know, shouldn’t I? If he had one friend in the world, it was your late father. He loved him - like a brother! ( Claudius winces ) . He leaned on Polonius in the daily conduct of his affairs. Now he’s gone, and I doubt that Claudy will ever find anyone to replace him. Laertes: (Weeps): If what you say is true, then perhaps it is best that his murdered never be found. Claudius: Not for the moment, no. Let the scandal die down. Then , and only then , let the great ax fall. We want the world to believe that Polo was good and honorable right up to the end. ( Aside to Gertrude) I’ve calmed him down somewhat, but he may flare up again at any moment. Tell Hans and the gardener to come into the study. ( To Laertes): What’s it like in Paris? You must have some great stories to tell. Laertes : This present tragedy has driven all else from my mind, I’m afraid. Gertrude: I’ll see about the tea ( Goes out) Claudius: Son, I’ m not without troubles of my own. I had to put Hamlet into the asylum. Laertes (Flares up ) : Together with my sister? Claudius : I’m afraid so . ( Doorbell rings) Don’t concern yourself. There are strict instructions that he’s not to go near here. He’s got a persecution complex, you know. He identifies me with the enemy. ( Enter Gertrude rolling in the tea service. Also Hans and the Gardener. ) Laertes ( Shakes his head, sadly): It’s not easy to be young these days. It’s no different over there in Paris: political demonstrations, drug use, madness, suicide. Claudius : Ain’t it the truth? ( Doorbell rings. Hans goes to answer it. Enter Dr. Nice ) Max! What brings YOU here? NICE : I had to come in person. It’s not something that could be said over the telephone. Laertes : I’ll go into the next room if its private NICE : No, Laertes; it’s good that you’re here. This concerns you, too. ( They all sit down. Hans and Gertrude serve out the tea and pass around the cookies. ) : I’ll come right to the point, Hamlet has escaped ( Claudius jumps out of his seat. ) Claudius: WHAT?? NICE : He climbed over the wall in the middle of the night. Claudius: Was he alone? NICE ( Shakes his head ) : He couldn’t have done it by himself. Someone brought a ladder. We’ve determined that a getaway car was waiting. Claudius : This is bad. He’s dangerous! Gertrude : Claudy, how can you say such a thing? My son wouldn’t injure a squirrel Nice : I’m afraid you’re wrong there, Mrs. Thorvald. Before he left he commited a terrible act of violence! Claudius (Very frightened): He did? NICE : There isn’t any gentle way to break this. Laertes, before Hamlet escaped, he murdered Ophelia! Laertes: No! Gertrude : Heavens protect us! Claudius: Jesus Christ! Laertes: So Ophelia is dead! No, that cannot be. NICE : I’m afraid it is, Laertes. I wish I could have spared you the shock. Gertrude : Surely you can’t believe that Hamlet did it. Nice : Her body was discovered in the garden, at the very place where Hamlet climbed up the wall. The details aren’t pleasant. Laertes: What? Did he ...... ? Nice : (Nods his head) “ In the morn and liquid dew of youth, Contagious blastments are most imminent”. Laertes : I’ll tear his flesh off his bones! I’ll crucify him. Claudius : Get a grip on yourself , Laertes ( Signals Hans and Gardener) Laertes: My own little sister! Dad’s death is nothing compared to this! Hamlet! Of course! That spineless pansy, that mouse! That despicable toad, that momma’s boy, that scum! But I never thought him a monster! To defile my sister, then to - (Laertes seizes Dr. Nice and begins to shake him roughly. Hans and the gardener pull him off.. Nice shouts) Nice : Don’t hurt him! Just sit him down. The abreaction will do him good. Claudius: I might have guessed it. After all those threats against me! This man’s freedom menaces all society! Nice : The police are already out looking for him. They’ve been instructed to shoot to kill. Gertrude: God protect my little boy! Am I to lose him as well? ( Breaks down) I can bear no more. I can bear no more! (Leans on Hans, who walks him out of the room.) Laertes: Where are the police? I’ll go with him. I’ve got my own scores to settle. Nice : Laertes, listen to me. Hamlet is insane. He’s not responsible for his actions. Laertes: Garbage. I’ll see to it that he gets as good as he gives ( Laertes exits. Sound of a door slamming) Claudius ( To Gardener) : Erik, you can go now. I need to talk to Max alone. ( Erik exists . Claudius and Nice sit next to each other, converse) Max - Tell me. Did Hamlet really kill Ophelia? Nice : Ah - Let’s say..,. it’s convenient that people think he did Claudius: What does that mean? Max, I never did like the way you twist words. Yes or No, for God’s sake! Nice (Sighs) : No, he didn’t. There was a foul-up. Everything was all set up and arranged last night to dispose of the “Hamlet Problem” . The fool attendants got Ophelia instead. Claudius: Lord! How could they be such idiots? Nice : Easy, Claudy. They’re mental hospital attendants. We’d be better off stocking the hospitals with chimpanzees. It turns out that Hamlet and Ophelia were together in the garden that night. He probably wanted to help her escape with him. She didn’t know who he was by the way, she was insane to the last. It was very dark, and one of the attendants remembered that Hamlet had been brought to the asylum in a dress. So they grabbed her, thinking it was him. Claudius: Where did they take her? Nice : To the electroshock therapy unit. Claudius: And? Nice : Well; they “juiced” her. Claudius: My God! What did that do to her? Nice : You could have served her up as pastrami. Claudius : Take care. Max! Take care! Nice : I knew you were fond of her, Claudy. It’s regrettable, that’s all. We can still turn the situation to our advantage. Claudius: What do you suggest? Nice : We can throw the blame onto Hamlet and let the police dispose of him. Claudius : I don’t like it. Max. It’s got too many loose ends. Nice : I agree with you, Claudy. What else can we do. No matter which way we turn we seem to sink deeper. It’s an endless nightmare! Claudius : This, like unto a murdering piece in many places, givbes me superfluous death! Nice : Oh, come now! It’s not as bad as that ! Claudius: You don’t know the half of it. On top of everything, I’m risking bankruptcy! Nice (Visibly interested) : Oh? How so? Claudius : In this month alone, I’ve loused up three deals. I can’t concentrate. Nice : That reminds me, Max: by my calculations, you still owe me about 100,000 kroner. I don’t need the whole thing at once: I’m happy to take part of it on account now. Claudius: Max! Who do you think I am? Midas? I don’t owe you a thing! Nice : Claudy, we’ve been over this ground before. Claudius : I agreed to pay you for certain services. Well, what have I got to show for it? Polo dead, Ophelia dead, Hamlet out on the loose, my life in danger! How much should I pay you for that? Nice : Polo wasn’t my fault, Claudy. Claudius : The hell you say! What was he doing, snopping about in my office in the dead of night! Get out! Get out of my house! Nice : Who’s been taking all the risks? Who’s been doing the grunt work? (Claudius strides to the door of the kitchen and calls out) Claudius: Hans! Hans! ( Hans appears ) Hans, show Max to the door! Hans : Very good , sir. Nice: You’ll pay, Claudy, in one way or another, you’ll pay. Claudius : What? Are you threatening me? Nice : Take it any way you like. ( Nice exits. Claudius paces the floor, goes over to desk. Sits behind it, buries his face in his hands. Curtain)

Scene II Office of the Thorvald Munitions Plant. Past midnight. The Scene resembles that of Act III, Scene IV. Sven, the night watchman is on the floor at stage front left, bound and gagged. Running in from the left, BERNARDO, carrying an armload of hand grenades. He places them on a table then runs back for more. MARCELLUS runs in from the right. Both exit stage left. Rushing in from the right: HORATIO, FRANCESCO, HAMLET. They carry armloads of mortars, machine guns, incendiary bombs, bazookas, etc. Marcellus and Bernardo return, grab up as much of these as they can carry, rush off again stage left, Hamlet keeping watch. Bernardo and Marcellus re-enter carrying grenades and gas-masks. Horatio and Francesco return; all five distribute the remaining arms among themselves, then race off together, stage left. Curtain Scene III A cemetary. Two GRAVEDIGGERS, digging a grave. HaL : Will ye watch it, Eg? Yer throwin’ dirt in me face! Eg: Ye’d best be gettin’ used ter it. Yer gonna look like it afore long. HaL : Piss on you, you swine! If ye don’t watch yer tongue, you’ll git this space on yer scalp! EG : Don’t worry me none. That’s uh solid block o’wood I got on me shoulders. But reminds me to come to yer fun’ral. I gots a turnip seed what I wants to plant in yer asshole. HaL : Bleedin’ hell! If there ain’t nothin’ I hate so much as a partner what talks like’uh drunk coot! I should thinks yer occupayshun might breed saome respects in yer! EG: Hey, what give you thet idea! I’ve buried them all: bankers, priests, hookers, bums. I got more respect fer th’grubs than I gots for any human bein’! If I didn’t laugh at me work, they’d be buryin’ me instead, right quick! HaL : Well, mind yer manners, or I’d be glad to do the honors meself. EG: Like, take this cadavre. HaL : Cadavre? Whzzat you talking? EG: A cadavre. muhn! A stiff! , yer honor, a dissemilator o’ bad smells! HaL : So? EG: Like, it was uh broad! Real cute. All of seventeen! Wid’uh comfy set o boobs, wid all of her teeth in her mush. As nice uh piece of tail as I;ve seen since me wife started lookin’ like uh meat grinder. I sees how she couldah been, wid six brats at her heels, bein’ diddled ev’ry month by thuh gas meter inspecter, hittin’ her hubbie wif uh rollin’ pin cause he’s also gettin’ a little on’uh side. But: whatddya gonna’ do! Her poppah kicks off. Her mind goes - pfft! She ends up attuh funny farm, and who;s there but her “ex” , gone bonkers just like her, widduh prick as big asuh cucumber, and still widduh hots fpr her. She don’t want no part[uh dat, why she don’t even know who he is! So, well, he sends her off to duh next world! Shit! HaL : So, Eg? Whazzat supposed to mean? EG: Easy come, easy go. ( He spits. They resume digging) HaL : Say! Whut happened next? EG: What’d’ya mean, what happened? HaL : To that there sex maniac, loud mouth! EG HAL : Oh! Him! Dunno. He excaped ( Enter HAMLET and HORATIO) HAMLET : Is this the place, Horatio? HORATIO : I believe so. See , the grave’s already being dug. It must be hers. HAMLET : I’ll ask them. ( Approaches the gravediggers) Hey there, you pair of filthy oafs! HaL : Who the hell’s that? EG: They sometimes gets drunks around here. Let me talk to’em ( To Hamlet) Whut ken I do for yer? Hamlet : I’m looking for Ophelia’s grave. She’s supposed to be buried here today. EG : Ophelia? O-Phee-Lai-Yah? I ain’t never heard of no Opheelaiyah. Say, Hal! Did you ever hear of some Opheeeelaiyuh what is supposed to be buried here today? HaL : Beats me, I don’t no nottin’ ebout dat. Horatio : Be civil, you guttersnipe. I’ve a mind to report you. EG : No offence intended. Now what wuz youse askin’ ebout some Opheeelaiyuhh? Hamlet: We have reason to think she’s to be buried here at 3 o’clock. HaL : If youze already knows, why ask us? (Hamlet gets angry. Horatio restrains him ) EG : Look, you bozo: we don’t bury people; we buries corpses. Hamlet: Just what do you mean by that? HaL: Like, if you wuz to ask me, ‘ Is there a stiff whut, once upon a time, might have been called some kind of Opheeelaiyuh but ain’t now nottin’ more’ena bags of rotting flesh wid makeup on its nose, whut iz to be buried today’, I might just say ‘ Uh-Huh’ ! “ Hamlet: You’re an insolent cur, did you know that? I’m tempted to break your nose. Horatio : Come away, Hamlet. We’ve got the information we need. EG: Yeah. Take’em away, before they cram dirt in’is mouth, wid no tombstone t’make it pretty. HaL : Dat goes double fer’ me! ( Noise of a crowd offstage ) Horatio : That’s them now. Let’s get out of here. Hamlet: Wait for me. ( They exit quickly off-stage left .) EG : Hey there, Hal. Look busy ( They dig with renewed vigor ) ( Enter from right, PASTOR BENGSTROM, CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, LAERTES, DR. HOVARTH, THE COUNCILLOR , and others. Also, PALL-BEARERS carrying Ophelia in her coffin.) PASTOR BENGSTROM ( To Leartes ) : Be comforted, child. The Good Lord in Heaven will be granting your sister that peace of mind so cruelly torn from her in her earthly sojourn. LAERTES: Stick to your business, Pastor. Your sugar language turns my stomach. Pastor : Alas! Today’s youth has lost its faith! How true! ( Walks away. The coffin is placed on the gr;ound beside the grave. The grave- diggers climb out of the grave. The Pastor takes up his position at its head, pulls out a Bible, begins to read from The Raising of Lazarus. Starts in a loud, nasal voice, then drops to a whisper, allowing us to hear the others. ) CLAUDIUS( Standing beside Hovarth): How long will he drone on? DR. HOVARTH : Why are you in such a hurry? Claudius : These things give me the heebie-jeebies. Also, to speak frankly, I’m a bit frightened Dr. Hovarth : I don’t understand CLAUDIUS: The police think my step-son raped and murdered her. DR. HOVARTH : Claudy, I ought to tell you. There’s some mistake being made. Claudius : Oh? How so? Hovarth : Don’t forget; I’m a doctor. I saw her body before it was put into the coffin. There’s no sign of her being strangled. Claudius: So what do you think it was? Hovarth: Electrocution, You’ll find this hard to believe, but..... GERTRUDE ( Breaks down in weeping) : Oh Ophelia! Hope of my life! How much I longed that you would marry my Hamlet! My heart is broken in a thousand piece, like a rag one must wear because there is no other! Grief, endless grief is the lot of woman! Pain unending is our fate, since the sin of Eve! Misery, pitiless woe! Dear God, take me from this house of lamentation, let me die this very minute, let me not remain amoung the living! ( Throws herself over the coffin. Friends grip ehr and pull her off. The Pastor continues his reading unperturbed. Out of the bushes flies a hand grenade. It falls in the middle of the group and explodes. Screams and panic. Grenades and machine gun fire strafe the area. People fleeing in all directions. All escape except the Pastor, Gertrude and Eg, who lie on the ground ,dead. Silence. Then enter HAMLET, HORATIO, and MARCELLUS ) Horatio : Your mother’s dead, Hamlet. Is that what you wanted? Hamlet : She was guilty by association. That’s enough for me. I feel sorry for her, that’s all. If you hang out with rats you die like a rat. ( Gives the Pastor’s body a savage kick. ) Hurry up to Heaven, Pastor, and greet that stuffed donkey you worship ! Marcellus : There’s no time, The police will be here any minute. ( All hurry off. Enter Claudius, Laertes, and POLICEMEN ) LAERTES: I thought I saw them go that way. Laertes and Police run off. Claudius stumbles over Gertrude’s body ) CLAUDIUS : Gertrude! My love! ( Sinks to his knees with grief. Curtain) Act V Scene I An abandoned warehouse in Copenhagen. It is rimmed with sandbags, and contains many boxes of provisions and weaponry. Seated on the floor of the warehouse HAMLET MARCELLUS BERNARDO. They are dismantling and oiling machine guns. The doors are barricaded. Hamlet : I wonder what’s keeping them? I hope they haven’t been caught. Marcellus : Give them another hour. If they haven’t shown up by then we can send out a search party. : If they’re caught we’ve got to get out of the country. BErnardo: And fast! Hamlet : Say? Wouldn’t you all like to go to America? I’ve been there. Marcellus: That far away? : Sure. Once you’ve seen it, Marcellus, anywhere else is too small. Just think of it : the first democracy! Bernardo: Bullshit Marcellus : I myself prefer a small country like Denmark. Size and paranoia go hand in hand Hamlet: Well, you may be right. We ought to go somewhere where people speak English. It’s close to Danish. Bernardo: One thousand years ago England was a tiny way-station in the great Danish empire. Hamlet : And today Denmark is a wholly owned subsidiary of General Motors! Marcellus : Just like everywhere else. Hamlet : That’s what I’m saying. We might as well go where the action is. Marcellus : I don’t see it that way. I’d like a place to settle down, get married, have children. From everything I’d heard of it. America’s one hell of a place for doing things like that. Hamlet : You’ve got a point. Australia then. Marcellus : Hey, that’s not a bad idea Bernardo: I’d rather not think about it. If ( Pounding on the doors) That must be them! ( They all rise. Hamlet goes to the door, lifts the lid over the peep-hole Hamlet : It’s them all right. (Opens the door. Enter FRANCESCO , HORATIO, OSRIC, CORNELIUS, GRISELDA, INGRID. They are dressed in jeans and work clothes, dirty from hard labor ) Francesco : Safely stowed Bernardo: What kept you? : The police are as thick as flies Hamlet : Was anyone hurt? Griselda : I don’t know. No-one was killed. Claudius was away and the servants were in the back of the house. Hamlet: Sit down all of you. I’ll get you something to drink. (M Hamlet drags out a case of beer, hands around bottles. Francesco : For this relief much thanks. Oscric: It’s bitter cold Cornelius : And we’re sick at heart. Horatio : We arrived a few minutes before 3. Your directions were very clear; we qucikly found the passage in the garden leading to the basement. The dynamite was jammed up against the wall of the house. At the last minute we discovered that Cornelius had forgotten to bring the box of fuses so we had to go back to the car to get them. Cornelius : Ten thousand ducats wouldn’t make me do that trip again! They’ve got cops stationed on every street corner. They’re stopping anyone under thirty or with a beard, or who looks like a foreigner! Where’re you going? You look suspicious! How much money do you have? They’re worse than the Germans were! Hamlet : How would you know that? Cornelius: I’m just talking. Horatio : The bomb went off at four. Most of us had already left, but Griselda hung around the neighborhood just to be an eye witness Griselda: The mansion was completely destroyed. Only the pantry in the back remained standing. Hans was taken to the hospital for minor lacerations. Erna walked out into the street; I spoke to her. Hamlet : A job well done! BErnardo : What’s next? Hamlet: Oh. We’re going to stay put. I’ve got ...grandiose projects... Griselda (Skeptical ) : Like what? Hamlet ( Standing up and walking around ) : Like - the liberation of Danish youth! My grudge originally was against my uncle and his generation. I still intend to make them pay! Yet there’s - uh - a larger perspective. Let’s say we get a few thousand, then a hundred thousand, then a million Danes on our side. Why, we could smash the whole social structure! Round up that rabble of industrialists , priests, psychiatrists - and drop them out of helicopters! Make them all pay! Cornelius : Sounds like that group in California, the ones that kidnapped the daughter of some newspaper tycoon. Hamlet: Grand-daughter. Yea, The Symbiosis Force or something like that. Only we won’t fail. No youth movement could possibly fight against the system in America it’s too big. But it’s different here in Europe. Look at Paris in 68! A student movement brought down the government! Bernardo : Fair go, Hamlet. Get off the high horse and tell us what you intend to do. Hamlet: We could start by kidnapping my uncle. Osric : Holding him for ransom? Not a bad idea. Horatio : How much money did you have in mind? Hamlet: Oh, say, ten million kroner for starters. Give or take a million Cornelius : That’s money, all right! Has he got that much? Hamlet: Maybe not. He’s ruined Thorvald Munitions since my father died. But we wouldn’t let him go, even if he raised it. Ingrid : No? Why not? Hamlet: Well .. supposing his body shows up in some isolated farmstead in the countryside, eaten up by rats. Or his charred remains showed signs of slow roasting over an open fire. Or what’s left of him after being dragged from the back of a truck..... Griselda : Hamlet, for very shame! Horatio : Hamlet, I suspect your personal obsessions are overruling your common sense. Haven’t you got enough worries as it is? Hamlet: My hatred is all consuming, Revenge should know no bounds. I do not hold my life at a fig’s fee! ( Confused mumurings among the others ) You don’t believe me , do you? Tell me then, what are all of you doing here? What about you, Bernardo? Bernardo : Don’t know. I like the excitement I guess Hamlet : And you, Marcellus? Marcellus : I’ve always been impressed by your brains. Hamlet : Francesco? Francesco : I’m like you. I want to get even. Hamlet : Good. Horatio? Horatio : I’m your closet friend, Hamlet. I’ive got to hang around just to see to it that you don’t get into trouble. I don’t approve, if that’s what you want to know. Hamlet : I’m sorry to hear that. Griselda? Griselda : I’m just a silly woman. I follow the men. Hamlet : That’s not the way it is with you, isn’t that right, Ingrid? Ingrid: I’ve got my own scores to settle. Hamlet : Osric? Osric : I guess I’ve always been fascinated by power. Hamlet: And lastly, Cornelius? Cornelius : Haven’t got the slightest idea. I must be crazy. Hamlet : All right. I think we’re all being fairly honest about our motives. What you’ve seen is only the beginning. The one unforgiveable fault is to lack vision. Bernardo : What about Dr. Nice? What are your plans for him? Hamlet : I really haven’t given it much thought. Cornelius : He killed Ophelia, didn’t he? Hamlet : Yes. We’ve got to arrange something special for him- but we can’t do everything all at once. First we’ve got to kidnap Claudius. Here’s the plan.... (Curtain) Scene II ( The Thorvald Munitions Plant: Claudius’ private office. Claudius is seated at his desk, tallying up long lists of figures. Telephone on his desk rings. He picks up the receiver) Claudius: Hello? Hello? Oh, is that you, Peter? Yes, it’s me, Claudius. Yes, yes. I’m terribly sorry about last weeks consignment... Things have gotten terribly disorganized around here.. You’ll have them by next Thursday, I promise you.. What?? Well, what do expect me to do about it? It wasn’t possible, don’t you understand? Yes, yes, Naturally... We discount the usual ten percent. Next Thursday. So long ( Hangs up. Goes back to calculating with an adding machine . Phone rings.) Claudius ( Picking up receiver) : Hello? Who’s this? The Police Academy? .. Yes, this is Mr. Thorvald. Put him on. Hello, captain! The tear... what’s that about the tear gas? It doesn’t work? What’s this? It makes people go blind? So- it works, doesn’t it? Hey-you’re calling me a monster! What about the way you treated those illegal immigrants last week? All right, all right, I was just making a joke. I’ll look into it. Things are going to hell in a hand-basket around here. You know my mansion was blown up yesterday afternoon? Yes, my step-son... My brother, his wife, I mean, my wife ...my closest friends...all dead...except me. I’m just living on borrowed time.. Yes, I’ll dump the tear-gas, I’ll pay the fines...what more do you want? Goodbye ( Hangs up.)...... Just can’t make things add up... We’re ruined... Time for ideas ( Writes on a pad of paper. Enter DR NICE unnoticed. In his right hand is a pistol . Claudius doesn’t see him until he arrives at the desk, pointing the pistol at him point- blank.Claudius looks up.)...... :Max? What’s this? Help! Help!! nice : Calling for help won;t do you any good, Claudy. I sent Sven on an errand. There’s no one else in the plant. Claudius : What do you want, Max? nice : It’s time to settle accounts, Claudy. Claudius : Look, Max. Let’s work this out. Is it money you wanty? How much do I owe you? nice : I’m afraid it’s too late for money. One week too late to be exact. The police are hot on our trail. You’ve turned into a millstone around my next, Claudy. Claudius : The police? What’s this got to do with the police? nice : Just that. They’ve figured out that Hamlet didn’t murder Ophelia. They’ve done the autopsy Claudius: Who told them? Hovarth? nice : It really doesn’t matter, does it? Claudius: That makes it hot for you too, Max. Think about it nice : Keep talking, You haven’t got long to live anyway. Claudius: What good will another murder do you? nice : I’ll take my own chances, thank you. Don’t forget, there’s Polonius. Even the police are beginning to put two and two together. If Hamlet isn’t so ‘insane’ anymore, they may just start listening to him. And, if they get to the murder of his old man, where doesn that leave me? Claudius : Max. Be reasonable. I - ( Claudius picks up a paperweight and attacks Nice. Nice fires at him, emptying all six slugs into his body. Claudius sinks to the ground. ) nice : Why did I wait so long? You -dirty hog! You bestial, low slime! Ask God to give you a birthdayb party! ( Enter FRANCESCO, BERNARDO , OSRIC. They seize Nice ) Francesco : We’ve arrived too late. The prize has slipped through our fingers. (Slaps Nice ) You’ll do. ( They all exit)

Scene III About 6 hours later. In the warehouse. Dr. Nice is seated on the floor, tied to a post. Cornelius looks out onto the street through a crack in the door. Osric peers from a window against the back wall. Ingrid sweeps the floor while Griselda oils a machine gun. Francesco is sleeping. Horatio paces back and forth. Hamlet, Marcellus and Bernardo are seated around a table, center stage, working on a document. Hamlet : That should do it. What shall we call it. “ To the Sovereign People of Denmark” ! Bernardo: That’s trite if you ask me. Hamlet : So, what do you suggest? BErnardo: Oh, something like “ To All Freedom-Loving Danes” Hamlet BErnardo : I like that. ( Writes) It’s finished. Marcellus : Do you want to read it out? Nice : Can I make a suggestion? Hamlet : Shut up. Don’t bother us. ( Hamlet stands up and reads. All stop what they’re doing and pay attention) “ To all Freedom-loving Danes: as victims of crimes too numerous to mention, as rebles no longer willing to tolerate the conditins enslaving us, as Danish youth throwing off the burdens of despotic old age, we have united to instill panic in a corrupt society, to wrench justice from the claws of the bourgeosie.” Nice: ‘Claws of the bourgeoisie? ‘ Ha! High camp! Hamlet : Will somebody shut him up ( Marcellus threatens him with a stick)...You know, he may be right .. let’s change that.. “ To wrench justice from... canonized wealth and power! To punish complacency and destroy smug prosperity. To free the latent energies of all oppressed peoples everywhere! We are sworn to abolish private property, to eradicate racism, sexism, capitalism, militarism... Grisellda : I’ve heard so much of that sort of thing it makes me sick just to listen to it. Hamlet : Hmmm. Well, I’ll shorten it. “ We...” Nice Cornelius: Hamlet! Police in the alleyway! Osric : I see them walking about the docks Hamlet : Quiet! Everyone! ( Hamlet goes to the doors. Peers through the cracks) Everyone to their stations. ( Osric and Marcellus move a machine gun to the window. At another window, lower right, a second gun is brought into place by Francesco and Griselda. Hamlet, Bernardo and Cornelius stand by the door with hand guns and a stack of grenades. Horatio passes out ammunition , then takes up a position betside Osric and Marcellus. Ingrid guards Dr. Nice. ) Marcellus : What do we do now? Hamlet : We wait. Osric? Osric : They’ve surrounded the building. They’re bringing up loudspeakers. Hamlet : Ingrid. Turn on the radio NewsCaster : Ladies and gentlemen. I’m speaking to you from a location near the Copenhagen docks. We are in front of a sizable warehouse which seems to have been used in the past for storing pickle barrels. It can Attention! Attention.You are only be approached through a maze of tiny surrounded on all sides! I repeat: streets. Few motorized vehicles pass by You are surrounded on all sides! here. Escape is impossible! I repeat: it This warehouse is believed to be the is impossible for you to escape! headquarters of a notorious gang of young anarchists which has terrorized We know that you are in there. If Copenhagen for over a week, leaving a you surrender peaceably, no trail of death and destruction in their harm will come to you. Come out, wake reminescent of the final scenes of one by one, with your hands up! Shakespeare’s “Hamlet”. I am going to count to ten. If By a curious coincidence, the leader you are not all of this gang is another Hamlet: Hamlet Thorvald , nephew of the prominent industrialist, Claudius Thorvald He is also the son of the deceased Hamlet Thorvald senior. The younger Hamlet is a confirmed madman, recently escaped from a mental hospital where he was undergoing therapy for schizophrenic paranoia, Loudspeaker delusions of persecution and gender confusion. He is believed to be responsible for blowing up the family mansion, the deaths of his own mother, the company’s Attention! Attention lawyer Polonius Snoorsen and his daughter Ophelia , a former girlfriend of the lunatic, and his Hamlet : Just do what you’re told. step-father, Claudius, whose body was It’s too late in the game to start asking discovered in a office at the munitions questions. plant, riddled with bullets. At this very moment, the police are attempting to communicate with the occupants of the warehouse. Loudspeakers have been set up and the police are There is as of yet no response from inside delivering an ultimatum the building. People are certainly in the building. The lights are on and occasionally one can see someone walking out by then, a helicopter will around. The gang may be large. Its exact begin dropping large quantities membership is unknown, but they are of tear gas onto the building. If armed and dangerous. you still do not come out, we will (SOUND OF HELICOPTER OVERHEAD begin to move in. ) The helicopter has arrived. In a moment the police will begin their count. There are many mysteries connected with this affair. The younger Hamlet has maintained all along that his father had in Hamlet : Osric, Francesco, train your fact been murdered by his deceased uncle guns on the police, will you? and step-father, Claudius. So far this has been discounted as a delusion, yet the wave of recent Marcellus : I don’t like this. unexplained murders now seem to give it Maybe we should surrender some credence. Hamlet has already been cleared of the murder of Polonius, and the evidence now appears to point away from In the meantime Dr. Nice, the family his having murdered the daughter. psychiatrist, has disappeared without a trace. The police have reason to believe he is being held hostage in the warehouse.

Marcellus : There’s an idea. Why don’t we send Nice out to negotiate? Hamlet : I’ve thought of that. The police want him as much as they do us. Nice : That’s true. However right now I’d rather be in their hands than in Hamlet : That’s the helicopter. yours. I’ve got a proposition to make. Osric, Cornelius, when you hear “Five” Hamlet : What’s that? over the loudspeaker, open fire. Put on : They’re not certain I’m here. If your gas masks Nice you let them know I am, they may reconsider their tactics. This may give you

enough time to escape. Loudspeaker: The helicopter Hamlet Nice : And I has arrived. I repeat: the suppose you can tell us how to do that? helicopter has arrived.

We will begin counting. Come “ Two!” out, one at a time, with your hands up.

“ One!” : Well, I need to think about that......

“ Three!”

“Four!” FIRE!!! (Osric and Francesco open up with their machine guns through the windows.)

Hamlet BErnardo Marcellus Nice : You’ve got the ammunition. You can shoot your way out of here. I was in the underground during the war. Let me direct operations

“Four!” “Five!”

HoRatio: You must be out of your mind! Why did you do that?

Nice : Now you’ve ruined everything. Hamlet: Turn that radio off. ( To Nice) Did you really think I’d believe anything you say, you lousy double-dealer? Nice : Why should I want to double-cross you? I’m up to my neck in it as much as you are. Hamlet : I don’t know. You’re the expert on motives. Let me tell you something: I don’t give a shit. Nice : Hamlet. I’m speaking to you as your psychiatrist now. My diagnosis of you is that you’re into violence for its own sake: a strong father, a weak mother, too early exposure to.. ( Sounds of tear gas bombs being rained onto the roof and lobbed through the windows. The warehouse fills with gas.) Hamlet: Osric! Cornelius! Give them another round! Put on those gas masks. ( Ingrid puts one onto Dr. Nice) I’m listening to you, Max. You have an explanation for everything, don’t you. Don’t forget: whatever happens to us, you’ll be the first to go. ( More tear-gas. Osric shoots into the street. Sounds of automatic gun fire coming in from all sides. Ingrid and Cornelius fall.) Cornelius : I’m hit! ( Horatio and Bernardo attend to him) Hamlet : Marcellus, look after Ingrid. ( Marcellus turns her over) Marcellus: She’s dead. : Somebody help me untie Max. ( He and Griselda untie Dr. Nice.Sound of gunfire ) Everybody down! ( Nice stands up. His hands are still tightly bound but he can walk around by a rope held in Hamlet’s left hand. There is the whirring noise of an airplane above, very different from that of the helicopter. Nice is dragged to the door. ) Hamlet: Get up! There is a way you can help us after all. You lead the way. We’ll follow behind with grenades Nice : You’re a crazy fool, Hamlet Hamlet : Okay with me. Before, you called me crazy, but I was actually a fool. Now I may really be crazy, but I ‘m a fool no longer! Get moving! ( The sound of a tremendous explosion in the street ) BErnardo: What was that? Hamlet : I don’t know. One of their powder magazines may have blown up. Is Cornelius able to walk? Marcellus : No. His condition is critical Hamlet : Then carry him out on a stretcher. ( Another explosion.) Something’s going on outside. Osric, tell me what you see from the window. Osric : I can’t believe it. The cops are on the run... I can count about 6 dead. There’s a big hole in the sidewalk. Hamlet : Bernardo! Turn that radio on again. Newscaster : ... were forced to flee the scene of operations. It is estimated that three civilians and ten policemen have been killed. The nature of the plane, or the bombs that were dropped remains a mystery. It does not seem possible that the Hamlet gang could have equipped a bomber... More in a moment... Ladies and gentlemen! I have just been handed an important announcement.. Marcellus : Maybe this is what we’re looking for. Newscaster .. The pilot of the plane that has just dropped two bombs on the police has sent a message to police headquarters. His name is Fortinbras, and he claims to be acting under the authority of the Norwegian government. Fortinbras, who runs a large munitions plant in Norway, states that he has enough explosives in his aircraft to blow up all of Copenhagen.. he may perhaps be speaking of some nuclear device. He asserts that he will not hesitate to drop it unless the government of Denmark allows him to take Hamlet and his associates to a country of refuge. The Norwegian Embassy is unavailable for comment. Marcellus : I don’t understand a thing. What do we do next? Horatio : If what he’s saying is true, I suggest we stay put until Fortinbras arrives. ( Goes to turn off the radio) . Hamlet : Wait. There may be more. You can take off the gas-masks now. Newscaster : Attention! Attention! This is an emergency! Emergency! A poweful bomb of unknown nature has just been dropped over downtown Copenhagen! There is total devastation over a five kilometer radius. Citizens of Denmark, this means war with Norway! ( Sirens start up from all directions. Enter through an unguarded window, LEARTES ) Osric : Laertes! Hamlet (Picks up gun, turns, and sees Laertes) : What? ( They fire simultaneously, each mortally wounding the other.) Laertes: Alas! I’m done for Hamlet : Me too. Osric: Laertes, why did you do that? Hamlet was cleared of the murder of your sister! Laertes: I know, but that doesn’t change anything. I still hate his guts. I don’t like anyone fooling around with my sister. Hamlet : That’s okay, Laertes. I’ve got what’s coming to me. Bernardo : Cornelius is dead Hamlet: I regret only one thing, Laertes - we never found time for a really good long talk Laertes : There’ll be plenty of time for that where we’re going. \ ( Dies) Hamlet : Horatio, I’m going fast Horatio : Let me join you. ( Horatio pick up a gun and points it at himself.) There’s more of a modern day Swede, or Dane - than Latino. Hamlet (Deflects gun ) : Horatio, you’re acting like a Japanese. You’ve still got important reasons for living. Who’ll be left to tell them the truth: about who killed whom, and why? Don’t take the easy way out. Horatio: I’m going to have to rethink this whole thing I guess. I’d much prefer getting into a car and letting the motor run anyway ( Sighs ) As you wish, Hamlet ( They embrace) Hamlet : I’m off, Horatio. Remember what I told you. Above all: silence. ( Dies ) Horatio : Now cracks a mass murderer’s heart. Good night, sweet transvestite. What d’we do next? Huh? Osric : Look! Quick! He’s getting away! ( Dr Nice is almost out the front door. He has a grenade in his hand. Whips around and throws it. Explosion. Osric, Griselda and Marcellus all drop down , dead. ) Nice : Don’t try to stop me! ( He starts out the door, but is stopped at the entrance by FORTINBRAS with 3 companions. They push Nice back into the warehouse.) Fortinbras : Where did you think you were going, Max? Tie him up! ( Nice is tied up again.) We’ll leave you here for the police to find you. ( Sees Hamlet) What is God’s name is this bloody awful sight! Horatio : Oh, Fortinbras, I could tell you a tale that would make your hairs stand on end like so many rotting sausages! Misconstrued objectives, the opposing clash of great destinies, pure cussedness: who can say which has the greater bearing? Alas! Fortinbras : I’m sure you could at that. Quick: everybody out and into the plane. We’re off to Argentina. ( Horatio and Franscesco exit, followed by Fortinbras and his companions. After they leave Nice thrases about and frees himself from his bonds. He forages for a gun and some ammunition, then rushes to the door. Just then a bomb hits the warehouse, blowing everything to smithereens.) The End 

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