A Basic Course on Conflict Resolution

Conflict Management A Basic Course on Conflict Resolution Leadership Development Program Regional Leadership Training Workshop

May, 1999 2 Introduction: Conflict Management

Leadership in OMF International can often be a love/hate affair. For many of us, we came into leadership roles feeling somewhat reluctant to begin with, and then were thrown into responsibilities for which at times we felt ill equipped or unprepared. At the same time, there is also the sense of challenge and excitement of seeing God at work through the team as we help to facilitate or supervise the process. There is one aspect of leadership, however, that is difficult if not down right disturbing at times for us all, and that is dealing with conflict. Sometimes the conflict is of our own making as we try to implement change or solve problems. More often, we are embroiled in conflict situations by the nature of our responsibilities as leaders. Either way, dealing with conflict can be stressful, painful and even frightening. This Study Manual is designed to help us face the real issues and challenges that touch us daily in our roles as leaders, and hopefully give us fresh perspectives, attitudes, skills and even hope! Appropriate conflict management and resolution can lead to progress and growth in both our personal lives and in the ministry to which God has called us. I trust that these materials will better equip you for the task. Objectives This course on conflict management will… 1. Communicate the potential good and positive results that can come from well-managed conflict. 2. Alert participants to the need for awareness of the dynamics of conflict including causes and levels. 3. Highlight the various styles of conflict management and what approaches work best in various situations. 4. Motivate participants to develop appropriate management or resolution styles. 5. Provide encouragement to face conflict with greater confidence and skills. Desired Outcomes 1. Evaluate past performance in conflict situations and learn important lessons. 2. Understand the dynamics, causes and process of conflict management. 3. Identify their current conflict management styles and core beliefs, and develop new approaches and skills as appropriate. 4. Develop skills and strategy for successfully mediating a conflict. 3 Module 1 - Biblical Perspectives

Lessons from Luke 10:38-42 Mary and Martha 1. What is the conflict issue? 2. What can we learn about conflict from this passage? 3. How did Jesus resolve the conflict?  The conflict issue was over goals  both women had good objectives in mind  conflict entered when Martha determined that Mary had made a bad choice  the behavior we exhibit exposes the goals we possess and sometimes creates strong conflict  Lessons  Role definition and role expectation can be a battle zone.  Conflict comes often from the assumption level - Martha’s assumptions about Mary’s behavior (she should be helping).  Sometimes we transfer our own goals/objectives to others and create conflict.  It is easy to force our goals, values and attitudes onto others.

Lessons from Proverbs on conflict 1. Proverbs 16:6; 20:3. At times conflict is best managed by avoiding it. 2. 16:7. When God’s children reduce their conflict with the Lord, they find even their enemies are at peace with them. 3. 16:32. We are personally responsible to control our tempers. 4. 17:14. Wisdom dictates that we manage conflict in its early stages. 5. 18:17. In any conflict situation hear all sides. Guard against formulating an opinion too early. 6. 18:18. A mutually agreed upon third party or method can help manage the conflict. 7. 19:11. Some conflicts are not worth the fight. If it is a win/lose situation, and what is being lost doesn’t really matter, then why fight? 8. 21:14. By doing something good (nice) for the person we are having conflict with, we reduce destructive conflict. 9. 26:17. Be slow to involve yourself in a quarrel that is not your own. 10. 26:20-21. Destructive conflict must be fed to continue its existence.

 Which of the above lessons from Proverbs is particularly applicable to you in recent days? Which of the above do you find the most difficult to apply? 4 Lessons from life Folktale: the coming of peace (Basotho Tribe, Africa). This is a story that the old people tell. One day the hen flew to the top of the stack of wheat to find food. From where she stood on top, she could see far over the fields. Across the fields a jackal was approaching. When the jackal came near, he spoke to the hen. While he was talking, the clever jackal was admiring the hen, seeing that she would taste very sweet. But he could not reach her. So he asked her, since he was a man of many plans: “Mother, have you heard that there is peace among every body on earth? Now one animal may not catch another animal anymore, because of that peace.” “Peace?” she asked. “Yes, mother, peace. The great chiefs called together a big meeting, and at that pitso they decided this business of peace on all the earth.” “Oh yes,” said the hen, but she wondered whether this jackal could be telling the truth, since his many clever stories were many times nothing but lies. “You say there is peace now?” Yes, mother, the big peace. You can safely come down from that stack of wheat. Then we can talk about the matter nicely.” But the hen was not quite as stupid as the jackal thought. She wanted to be sure of his story, and she turned and looked far over the fields. “What is it you see from up there that you stare so?” “What do I see? It does not matter, for there is no more danger to any animals on earth. Is it not peace among the animals? It is only a pack of dogs that is running toward us.” “Dogs! A pack of dogs!” he cried. And his fear was great. “Then I’ll have to leave you mother. I am a man who has a lot of work waiting.” The hen laughed. “Remember the peace. I thought it was peace among all animals. Have you forgotten? Why do you run away, grandfather?” “I don’t think this pack of dogs was at the meeting of the peace.” And the jackal ran so fast that dust rose in great clouds behind him. 5 Module 2 - Conflict Dynamics: Misconceptions

Word Association Consider the following twelve words. As you examine each word ask yourself if you closely associate any or all of these words with conflict.

Anger adversary battle challenge criticism disgruntled fight pressure struggle tension trouble warfare

When you think of conflict, is it primarily something negative and to be avoided if at all possible? In one survey taken from a broad sample of 500 missionaries, Dorothy Gish (1983) reports that dealing with conflict is the number one felt stress among missionaries. How do you typically manage conflict? What are common attitudes among OMF missionaries about OMF’s ability to manage conflict?

Misconceptions Many people see conflict only in a negative light and something that is sub- Christian. Scripture makes it clear, however, that there is both a positive as well as negative side of conflict. Yes, there are very real dangers, but let’s look first at some of the misconceptions regarding conflict.

1. Conflict is abnormal. 2. Conflict and disagreement are the same. 3. Conflict is pathological. 4. Conflict must be reduced or avoided. 5. Conflict is a personality problem. 6. Conflict is linked with anger. 7. Conflict is an admission of failure.

Positive Results Conflict need not be totally destructive. Handled appropriately conflict can lead to growth and positive results. The potential for both danger and good, however, are always present. Conflict is a part of life and inevitable given our human condition.

1. It is evidence of life and vitality. 2. It can lead to renewed motivation. 3. It permits the venting of frustrations. 6 4. It can lead to personal growth and maturity.

Conflict is essential to, ineradicable from, and inevitable in human life; and the source, cause, and process of conflict can be turned from life destroying to life-building ends. David Augsberger, Conflict Mediation Across Cultures

 How have you seen conflict result in positive growth or development?

Dangers Conflict is obviously a two edged sword. If not handled biblically or appropriately, it carries inherent risks or dangers.

1. Needed changes are not made. 2. Resentment builds up. 3. Displacement of emotions takes place. 4. Discontentment, gossip, and backbiting grow.

Paradoxes 1. The more people care for each other, the more likely it is they will experience conflict. 2. Failure to recognize honestly one’s own motives in conflict, leads to greater levels of conflict. 3. The larger the number of conflicts, the greater the stability of the organization.

Why do you think that missionaries are particularly susceptible to conflict? As a whole, how well do you think that OMF handles conflict organizationally? To what extent do cultural factors complicate conflict management or resolution in OMF?

List some areas where you feel that cultural issues affect conflict resolution within OMF.

1. ______

2. ______

3. ______7 8 Module 3 - Conflict Dynamics: Causes

Major types of conflict 1. Intrapersonal. Psalm 73; Matthew 27:46; Philippians 1:22-23 (conflicts within oneself) 2. Interpersonal. Genesis 27 (Jacob and Esau) ; 1 Samuel 19 (e.g.Saul and David) 3. Intragroup. Genesis 37 (Joseph and his brothers); Numbers 12:1-15 (Moses, Aaron and Miriam). 4. Intergroup. Nehemiah 4 (Nehemiah, Sanballat, Tobiah); Matthew 21:12-16 (Jesus and merchants in temple); 1 Corinthians 1:10-12 (factions within Corinth church).

What types of conflict do you see in your circumstances at present? Biblical conflict causes summarized 1. Changing circumstances that required new decisions. 2. Apparent or felt injustice and favoritism. 3. New and pressing needs requiring up-to-date solutions and provisions. 4. Contrasting convictions regarding doctrine, traditions, and practices. 5. Differences of opinion regarding people, ministries, and goals. 6. Clashes of personalities and leadership

Conflict causes described 1. Territory is threatened or disputed. Why is change so threatening? Think of a situation recently where you have seen an incident of threatened “territory”. What was going on? How was it handled? 2. Expectations are not fulfilled. What is the key element that is so important in this whole area of expectations? In what way do expectations set the stage for potential conflict? 3. Leadership and administration are faulty.  unclear structures  poorly defined job descriptions  communication breakdowns  poor planning  overly autocratic or too weak  overly political To what extent have you seen faulty administration contributing to conflict situations in your field or area? What can we learn from these situations? 4. Attitudes and personalities clashing. 9 Typical Issues in conflict 1. Conflicts over values, beliefs or traditions 2. Conflicts over purposes and goals 3. Conflicts over programs and methods 4. Conflicts over the facts 5. Conflicts over leadership 6. Conflicts from lack of acceptance, recognition or appreciation 7. Conflicts from unfair treatment

Personal application 1. What kind of conflict do you most frequently encounter?

2. What are some of your sources of stress in conflict management? For example getting the facts straight, confronting people, cultural differences, emotional wear and tear etc.

3. How do you typically handle conflict? Outline briefly the major steps you would take in resolving a conflict situation.

4. Do you feel relatively successful or confident in resolving conflict situations? If not, why?

5. What further skills in conflict management would you like to develop? What are your areas of felt need in understanding and dealing with conflict situations? 10 Module 4 - Conflict Styles Survey

Conflict Styles Survey

1. Do the Conflict Styles Survey

1. Evaluate some of your previous experiences in conflict management in light of your dominant style.

1. What were some of the negative or positive outcomes based on your approach or conflict style used in those situations?

4. What are some of the insights about yourself and your conflict resolution or management style gleaned from this survey?

5. What areas do you need to improve or develop in conflict management? 11 CONFLICT RESOLUTION SKILLS (Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument)

Directions: After each number there are A or B choices. Circle your preference in a CONFLICT situation

1. A. There are times when I let others take responsibility for solving the problem. B. Rather than discuss the things we disagree on, I try to stress those things upon which we agree. 2. A. I look for compromise solutions. B. I attempt to deal with all our mutual concerns. 3. A. I am usually firm in pursuing my goals. B. I might try to soothe the other's feelings for the sake of the relationship. 4. A. I try to find a compromise solution. B. I sometimes sacrifice my own wishes for the wishes of the other person. 5. A. I seek the other's help in working out solutions. B. I do what is necessary in avoiding useless tension. 6. A. I try to avoid creating unpleasantness for myself B. I try to win my position. 7. A. I will usually try to postpone an issue until I have had the time to think it over. B. I give up some points in exchange for others. 8. A. I am usually firm in pursuing my goals. B. I attempt to get all concerns and issues immediately out into the open. 9, A. I feel that differences are not always worth worrying about. B. I make some effort to get my way. 10. A. I am firm in pursuing my goals. B. I try to find compromise solutions 11. A. I attempt to get all issues and concerns immediately out into the open. B. I may try to soothe feelings to preserve the relationship. 12. A. I sometimes avoid taking positions that create controversy B. I let others have some of their positions if they let me keep some of mine. 13. A. I propose a middle ground. B. I press to get my points made. 14. A. I tell others my ideas and ask for theirs. B. I try to show the logic and benefits of my position. 15. A. I may try to soothe the other’s feelings for the sake of the relationship. B. I try to do what is necessary to avoid tensions. 16. A. I try not to hurt other’s feelings. B. I try to convince the other person of the merits of my position. 17. A. I am usually firm in pursuing my goals. B. I try to do what is needed to avoid useless tension. 12

18. A. If it makes the other person happy I may let them keep their own views. B. I will let them have some of their positions if they give a little too. 19. A. I attempt to get all concerns immediately out in the open. B. I try to postpone the issue until I have had tine to think it over 20. A. I attempt to work out differences right away. B. I try to balance the gains and losses for us both. 21. A. In negotiations, I try to be considerate of the other person’s wishes. B. I usually try to enter into direct discussion about problems. 22 A. I try to find an intermediate position between his and mind. B. I assert my wishes. 23. A. I’m often concerned about satisfying all our wishes. B. At times I let others take responsibility to solve the problems. 24. A. If the other persons position seems important to them, I would try to meet it. B. I try to get them to settle for a compromise. 25. A. I try to show the logic and benefit of my position. B. In approaching negotiation I try to be considerate of the other person’s wishes.

26. A. I propose a middle ground. B. I am nearly always concerned about satisfying all our wishes.

27. A. I sometimes avoid taking positions that might create controversy. B. If it makes the other person happy, I might let them maintain their views.

28. A. I am usually firm in pursuing my goals. B. I seek the other’s help in working out a solution.

29. A. I propose a middle ground. B. Differences are not always worth worrying about.

30. A. I try not to hurt the other person’s feelings. B. I always share the problem with the other person so that we can work it out. 13 Scoring the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument: Circle the letters below which you circled on each item of the questionnaire.

Competing Collaborating Compromising Avoiding Accommodatin (forcing) (problem (sharing) (withdrawal) (smoothing)g 1. solving) A B 2. B A 3. A B 4. A B 5. A B 6. B A 7. B A 8. A B 9. B A 10. A B 11. A B 12. B A 13. B A 14. B A 15. B A 16. B A 17. A B 18. B A 19. A B 20. A B 21. B A 22. B A 23. A B 24. B A 25. A B 26. B A 27. A B 28. A B 29. A B 30. B A

Total number of items circled in each column:

Competing Collaborating Compromising Avoiding Accommodatin g The higher the total for each conflict style, the more frequently you tend to use that style. The lower the total score for each conflict style, the less frequently you tend to use that style.

Win/Lose Care/Front Compromise Withdraw Give In (The Shark) (The Owl) (The Fox) (The Turtle) ( Teddy Bear) 14

DESIGNING BIBLICAL OUTCOMES

SELF APPRAISAL GUIDE

I. Methods of Handling Conflict: The Conflict Option Survey you have just taken is designed to evaluate your behavior in conflict situations. "Conflict Situations," are situations in which the concerns of two or more people appear at odds. In such situations, we can describe behavior along two basic dimensions: (A) Assertiveness, the extent to which you attempt to satisfy your own concerns, and (B) Cooperativeness (submissiveness), the extents to which you attempt to satisfy the other person's concerns. With in these two basic dimensions of behavior there are five specific methods of dealing with conflict, which are explained below.

1. Competing is assertive, uncooperative, and non-submissive – an individual pursues his own concerns at the other person's expense. This is a power-oriented mode, in which one uses whatever power seems appropriate to win one's own position – ability to argue, one's rank, economic sanctions. Competing might mean "standing up for your rights", defending a position which you believe is correct, or simply trying to win.

2. Accommodating is unassertive, submissive and cooperative – the opposite of competing. When accommodating, an individual neglects his own concerns to satisfy the concerns of the other person; there is an element of self-sacrifice in this mode. Accommodating might take the form of selfless generosity or charity, obeying another person's order when one would prefer not to, or yielding to another’s point of view.

3. Avoiding is unassertive and uncooperative – the individual does not immediately pursue his own concerns or those of the other person. He does not address the conflict. Avoiding might take the form of sidestepping or postponing an issue until a better time, or withdrawing from a hostile situation.

4. Collaborating is both assertive and cooperative – the opposite of avoiding. Collaborating involves an attempt to work with the other person to find some solution that fully satisfies the concerns of both persons. It means digging into the issue to identify the underlying concerns of the two individuals and to find an alternative, which meets both sets of concerns. Collaborating between two persons might take the form of exploring a disagreement to learn from each other's insights, or confronting and trying to find a creative solution to an interpersonal problem.

5. Compromising is intermediate in both assertiveness and cooperativeness. The objective is to find some expedient, mutually acceptable solution, which partially satisfies both parties. It falls on a middle ground between competing and accommodating. Compromising gives up more than competing but less than accommodating. Likewise, it addresses an issue more directly than avoiding, but doesn't explore it in as much depth as Collaborating. Compromising might mean splitting the difference, exchanging concessions, or seeking a quick middle-ground position.

II. Engineering the Environment:

The mature Christian understands people and knows the tactics to use to get along with them. If you aspire to be a steward of relationships, you must practice Biblical skills, which enable you to be sensitive to the feelings of others and know what to say or do in your relations with them.

1. Skills. Two of these skills which help in relations with people are tact and diplomacy. The word tact is derived from Latin and means "touch." Tact concerns dealing with people without offending them. Being "in touch" with people implies a closeness and understanding in communicating with them. Diplomacy is closely related to tact in that it is a skill in handling affairs without raising antagonism or hostility. A diplomat shows finesse and remains relational, especially in situations of stress.

2. Realistic expectations. Although you may want to be tactful, you may not always be able to succeed. Also, some persons – unintentionally – seem to rub people the wrong way. Others appear to be born with the knack of being tactful without seemingly trying. Often, highly technical or professional people 15 neglect or overlook the personal factor in their zeal and in their drive towards an objective. Their failing shows in their being abrupt and short in demands and in their lack of patience.

3. Slow to criticize. Avoid criticizing if at all possible. People know when they haven't tried, or haven't done a good job. Your silence on the matter would be appreciated, especially if they know that you're aware of what has happened. If you must speak, the important thing in talking about an omission or error is not in determining who made it but what happened and how it can be prevented from recurring.

4. Avoid playing the guilt game. Let others be responsible for their own actions and if you truly have a concern express it clearly. Try to remove the self-righteousness, (Ro.14: 4). Approach people with their interests in mind.

III. Interpreting Your Scores:

Usually, after getting back the results of any test, people first want to know, "What are the right answers?" In the case of conflict-handling behavior, there are no universal right answers. All five modes are useful in some situations: each represents a set of useful social skills. Jesus used all five.

The world has developed the proverb that "Two heads are better than one" (Collaborating). But it also says, "Kill your enemies with kindness" (Accommodating), "Split the difference" (Compromising), "Leave well enough alone" (Avoiding), “Might makes right” (Competing). The Biblical effectiveness of a given conflict-handling method depends upon the requirements of the specific conflict situation and the skill with which the method is used, not based on common sense or your own resource but obedience to God's word.

Each of us is capable of using all five conflict-handling methods, and none of us can be characterized as having a single, rigid style of dealing with conflict. However, any given individual uses some modes better that others and therefore, tends to rely more heavily on them than others whether because of temperament (D.I.S.C.) or practice.

The conflict behaviors we use are therefore a result of both personal predisposition and the requirements of the situations in which we find ourselves. The Conflict Option Survey is designed to assess your mix of conflict-handling techniques.

To help you judge how appropriate your utilization of the five modes is for your situation, listed are a number of uses for each method. Your score, high or low, indicates its usefulness in your situation. However, there is the possibility that your social skills lead you to rely upon some conflict behaviors more or less than necessary. To help you determine this, listed are some diagnostic questions concerning warning signals for the overuse or under-use of each method.

A. Competing: Possible uses:

1. When quick, decisive action is vital (e.g. emergencies.)

2. On important issues where unpopular courses of action need implementing (e.g. enforcing unpopular rules, discipline.)

3. On issues vital to group welfare when you know you're right.

4. To protect yourself against people who take advantage of non-competitive behavior.

If you scored high on Competing:

1. Are you surrounded by few constructive opposing viewpoints? (If so, perhaps it is because people have learned that it is unwise to disagree with you, or have given up trying to influence or get close to you. Competing closes you off from information and intimacy.)

2. Do others avoid getting close to you? Are they afraid to admit ignorance and uncertainties to you? (In competitive climates, one must fight for respect and influence -- which means acting 16 more certain and confident than one feels. The upshot is that people are less able to ask for information and opinion -- they are less able to learn.)

3. Are you able to let go of issues or offenses or do you find yourself arguing the unimportant on principle? Do you find yourself stirring up hostilities or hurting other's feelings?

If you scored low on Competing:

1. Do you often feel powerless in situations? (It may be because you are unaware of the influence you do have, unskilled in its use, or uncomfortable with the idea of using it. This may hinder your effectiveness by restricting your influence.)

2. Do you have trouble taking a firm stand, even when you see the need? (Sometimes concern for other’s feelings or anxieties about the use of power causes us to vacillate, which may mean postponing the decision and adding to the suffering and/or resentment of others.)

B. Accommodating: Possible uses:

1. When you realize that you are wrong or to allow a better position to be heard, to learn from others, and to show that you are reasonable and open.

2. When the issue is much more important to the other person than to yourself – to satisfy the needs of others, and as a goodwill gesture to help maintain a cooperative relationship.

3. To build up social credits (good will) for later issues which are important to you.

4. When continued competition would only damage your cause -- when you are out-matched and losing.

5. When preserving harmony and avoiding disruption are especially important.

6. To aid in the development of others by allowing them to experiment and learn from their own mistakes.

If you scored high on Accommodating:

1. Do you feel that your own ideas and concerns are not getting the attention they deserve? (Deferring too much to the concerns of others can deprive you of influence, respect, and recognition. It also deprives others of your potential contributions.)

2. Is discipline lax? (Although discipline for its own sake may be of little value, there are often rules, procedures, and assignments whose implementation is crucial for you or the structured authority.)

If you scored low on Accommodating:

1. Do you have trouble building goodwill with others? (Accommodation on minor issues, which are important to others, are gestures of goodwill.)

2. Do others often seem to regard you as unreasonable?

3. Do you have trouble admitting when you are wrong?

4. Do you recognize legitimate exceptions to rules?

5. Do you know when to give up?

C. Avoiding: Possible uses: 17

1. When an issue is trivial, of only passing importance, or when other more important issues are pressing.

2. When you perceive no chance of satisfying your concerns. For example, when you have low power or you are frustrated by something, which would be very difficult to change (national policies, someone's personality structure, etc.)

3. When the potential damage of confronting a conflict outweighs the benefits of its resolution.

4. To let people cool down -- to reduce tensions to a productive level and to regain perspective and composure.

5. When gathering more information outweighs the advantages of an immediate decision.

6. When others can resolve the conflict more effectively.

7. When the issue seems tangential or symptomatic of another more basic issue.

If you scored high on Avoiding:

1. Do your relationships suffer because people have trouble getting your input on issues?

2. Does it often appear that people are encroaching on you? (Sometimes massive amounts of energy can be required in attempts by others to solve the issues being avoided. This indicates that issues need to be faced and resolved.)

3. Are decisions on important issues made by default or eaten up by time? Do you often feel harried or overwhelmed by a the lack of time or the number of issues? (You may need to devote more time to setting and keeping priorities - deciding which issues are relatively unimportant and perhaps delegating them to others.)

If you scored low on Avoiding:

1. Do you find yourself hurting peoples' feelings or stirring hostilities? (You may need to exercise more discretion in confronting issues or more tact in framing issues in non-threatening ways. Tact is the art of avoiding potentially disruptive aspects of an issue.)

D. Collaborating: Possible uses:

1. To find an integrative solution when both sets of concerns are too important to be compromised. 2. When your objective is to learn (e.g., testing your own assumptions, understanding the views of others.) 3. To merge insights from people with different perspectives on a problem. 4. To gain commitment by incorporating other's concerns into a consensus decision. 5. To work through hard feelings which have been interfering with an interpersonal relationship.

If you scored high on Collaborating:

1. Do you spend time discussing issues in depth that do not seem to deserve it? (Collaboration takes time and energy -- perhaps the most scarce organizational resource. Trivial problems don't require optimal solutions, and not all personal differences need to be hashed out. The overuse of collaboration and consensual decision- making sometimes represents a desire to minimize risk by diffusing responsibility for a decision or by postponing action.)

2. Does your collaborative behavior fail to elicit collaborative responses from others? (The exploratory and tentative nature of some collaborative behavior may make it easy for others to disregard or mistrust collaborative overtures; or the trust and openness may be taken advantage 18 of. You may be missing some cues, which would indicate the presence of defensiveness, strong feelings, impatience, competitiveness, or conflicting interests.)

If you scored low on Collaborating:

1. Is it hard for you to see differences as opportunities for joint gain or as opportunities to learn to solve problems? (Although there are often threatening or unproductive aspects of conflict, indiscriminate pessimism can prevent you from seeing collaborative possibilities and thus deprive you of the mutual gains and satisfactions which accompany successful collaboration.)

2. Are subordinates uncommitted to your decisions, desires or polices? (Perhaps their concerns are not being incorporated into those decisions or policies.)

E. Compromising; Possible uses:

1. When goals are moderately important, but not worth the effort or potential disruption of more assertive modes.

2. When two opponents with equal power are strongly committed to mutually exclusive goals as in labor-management bargaining.

3. To achieve temporary settlements to complex issues.

4. To arrive at expedient solutions under time pressure

5. As a backup mode when collaboration or competition fails to be successful.

If you scored high on Compromising:

1. Do you concentrate so heavily upon the practicalities and tactics of compromise that you sometimes lose sight of larger issues -- principles, values, long-term objectives, and company welfare?

2. Does an emphasis on bargaining and trading create a cynical climate of gamesmanship? (Such a climate might undermine interpersonal trust and deflect attention away from the merits to the issues discussed.)

If you scored low on Compromising:

1. Do you find yourself too sensitive or embarrassed to be effective in bargaining situations?

2. Do you find it hard to make concessions? (Without this safety valve, you may have trouble getting gracefully out of mutually destructive arguments, power struggles, etc.) 19 Working Towards a Win/Win Solution Style of conflict Assumptions Situations in which style of management Inherent in this conflict resolution “makes Give In style Care-front sense” Withdraw9 Differences are eternal, inevitable, and 1. You have no power. Accommodatunchangeable. Differences are bad. 2. You’reCollaborating counting to ten to cool off. ing 3. Damage of confrontation too great. 8 4. The issue is trivial. Win/lose Differences are black and white, someone is 1. Time is short. 7 right. Differences need to be erased. 2. Ideas are of crucial importance. 3. Don’t want to be taken advantage of. r f A o e

Givea In Differences drive people apart because they 1. You are wrong.

o t n i o

c are personal attacks – conflict calls for 2. Building credit for future. n e s r

h sacrifice and yield. 3. You have low power or desire harmony. n i

p 4. Willing to let others learn by mistake. s Compromise Differences must be seen in light of common 1. Goals moderately important.

C o good. Should be aired – then give and take. 2. Equal power of participants. m

p 3. A permanent settlement complex. r 5 o m 4. Time is a factor. i s

e Care-fronting Differences are natural and normal – occasion 1. Both sets of concerns too important. 4 for creative problem solving. 2. Commitment to goal and/or each other. 3. Where learning humanness is important.

Avoiding Competing 2 Withdraw Win/Lose 1 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Concern for ideas (Goals, Tasks)

Issues Versus Relationships Win Lose Lose Lose Lose Win Win Win

In conflict management, there are two critical concerns or factors that we must keep always before us. Each person involved in a conflict brings one or both of the following basic concerns into that conflict:  A concern for relationships  A concern for issues and goals 20 Predicting the aftermath of a controversy is possible by predetermining the amount of attention we give to the above two concerns: issues/goals and relationships. It is possible to win an issue and lose a relationship. It is also possible to sacrifice truth in the belief that we are winning a friend. Each of these “second best” settlements will normally result in a Lose/Lose conclusion. Christians are under the dual mandate to reach a Win/Win solution whenever humanly possible. God has given us very clear directives in terms of our responsibility to preserve truth and to preserve relationships. Both the task and the team are important, and if either is salvaged, the end result will likely become a Lose/Lose situation with nobody fully satisfied. The person who feels that people and relationships are far more important than issues and goals will usually adopt the accommodating style. The person whose main concern is for issues and goals (the task), and who has little concern for relationships, will very likely use the competing style. Those who are equally concerned for both the issues and the relationships of the people involved will normally use the collaborating or compromising style.

Review Questions. Indicate the style that each statement describes 1. The person engages in conflict in such a way as to insure that persons are not “hurt” by the conflict, and relationships are not damaged even at the expense of his/her own personal goals and interests if necessary. ______

2. The person engages in conflict in such a way as to insure that his/her own personal goals and interests are accomplished even at the expense of the relationship, if necessary. ______

3. The person has little or no commitment to maintaining the relationship or to any personal goals in the situation. ______21 4. The person holds a strong commitment both to maintaining the relationship and to achieving the personal goals and interest of all parties in the conflict. ______

5. The person is willing to bargain and negotiate the issues to whatever extent necessary to maintain relationships and at the same time to arrive at some acceptable solution, imperfect though it may be. ______

Review Questions 1. Which conflict management is best in most conflict situations? ______

2. Which style do you feel is next best? ______. Why? ______

3. If used consistently, which styles can do the most harm to both the participants and to the long-term progress of the organization or team? ______

4. What are the two major concerns of participants in any conflict situation? ______

Module 5 –A Personal Case Study

1. Briefly describe a conflict on your field in which you were involved or you are currently involved. It may be a conflict over methodology, purposes or goals, designation priorities or processes, financial allocation etc., and either interpersonal or inter-group in scope. The conflict may have ended well, or not. It may be an on-going problem or something from the past. Feel free to use fictional names or actual as appropriate. 22 2. Try to analyze the conflict in regards to its underlying cause. What was or is the main issue?

3. What approaches were taken to resolve the conflict?

4. What conflict management style did you use most often?

5. What were the positive and negative effects or outcomes of the resolution process?

6. What do you feel would have been the likely outcome if the conflict had not been avoided or ignored?

7. What are some of the lessons you learned through this experience? 23 Module 6 - Case study on Paul and Barnabas

Description Up to this point Paul and Barnabas had worked very well together as church leaders and missionaries. Barnabas had stood with Paul as a new convert and later encouraged and promoted him for ministry in Antioch and Jerusalem (Acts 9:26-29; 12-25). They had made the first major missionary journey together. And most recently they had participated so effectively in that great church council in Jerusalem where together they defended the salvation and the inclusion of the Gentiles into the Church on the basis of grace alone. So these two men must have had a great deal of mutual respect, care and appreciation for each other. But now Paul and Barnabas have a very serious confrontation. Paul approaches Barnabas about making a second missionary journey. Barnabas wants to take John Mark along again. Paul does not think this is wise. The conflict over this issue is so sharp that not even their strong relationship is able to lead them to a mutual agreement. Verse 39 says tersely, “They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company.” What a sad picture! Two men, who have been such close friends and effective co-workers, now split and go their separate ways.

Role Play Select two people to role play the scene where Paul and Barnabas argue over including John Mark on their ministry team. Try and think through the possible motives or reasons behind Paul and Barnabas’ actions and express them in the role play. Make the dialogue as emotional as it probably was in reality. After the role play (you may want to do it several times with different people just to see what differences emerge from the dialogue), discuss as a group the following questions.

1. What kind of style did both men display in trying to resolve their conflict?

2. What might have been the real issues behind the scenes, which led to such an impasse?

3. Who do you think was right in the conflict?

4. Were there any good results coming from this conflict situation?

5. What lessons can we learn from this episode? 24 Module 7 – Conflict Management Skills “It is not the presence of conflict that causes chaos and disaster, but the harmful and ineffective way it is managed. It is the lack of skills in managing conflict that leads to problems. When conflicts are skillfully managed, they are of value.” (David Johnson).

A. Development of conflict management and mediation skills 1. Learn the stages and levels in the conflict cycle (taken from Norm Shawchuck, How to Manage Conflict in the Church and Speed Leas, Mastering Conflict and Controversy)  Once begun, conflict tends to follow a five-stage progression  The length for any stage may be very short or very long, but no stage is missed  The conflict may be resolved at any stage  The further a conflict progresses, the more difficult it will be to resolve in a positive way.  The stages are described as:  Tension development stage  Role confusion stage  Injustice collecting stage  Confrontation stage  Adjustment stage  Levels of Conflict 1. Predicaments  Focus is on a problem  Parties tend to be open  Assume good will

2. Disagreements  Some self-protection  Language has higher emotional content  Increasing tension  Interested in scoring points

3. Contest  Desire is to win  Tendency to dichotomize  Tendency to universalize  Tendency to magnify differences  Tendency to fix on feelings  Groups and coalitions begin to form 25

4. Fight/flight  Major objective is to break the relationship  Opponents are punished, shamed or attacked  Seek to persuade others to their side

5. Intractable  Desire is to destroy the “enemy” as a threat  Outside intervention is necessary for any kind of resolution

2. Seek to establish a structure and atmosphere conducive to early conflict management.  Regular staff, team or council meetings  Open and continuous communication  Opportunities for feedback  Periodic clarification of goals and plans along with expectations

3. Seek to anticipate conflict  Be alert for the following conditions that often precede conflict  Someone is experiencing problems or loss in life, ministry and relationships. Personal conflict often spills over into conflict with others.  A major change is impending. Change threatens. Often those involved react by defending their territory from invasion or loss.  A longstanding problem has not been dealt with. Inaction leads to a build of pressure that can easily erupt in conflict.  Note the signs of frustration that may indicate a conflict is brewing:  A notable increase in complaints and criticisms by members  An increase in opposition to leadership  Protests against decisions, plans or policies  Failure to attend meetings  The forming of factions or opposing parties

4. Develop an effective conflict management strategy for mediation  Gather the necessary information about the conflict  The origins  The core issues/problems/context  The emotions  The stage of conflict 26  Choose an appropriate place and time to meet and then use the following: Initiate dialogue objectively  friendly “handshake”  review process to all parties  encouraging attitude; smiling and chatting to  establish ground rules for everyone put parties at ease  permission, protection, potency  “You both know why you are here. There have been problems over the best use of project  facilitate communication funds, and I thought we could discuss the issue together. Now then, what is going on?” Involve all parties  lean forward and say, “I see”, “Yes” etc. to  ask questions, stimulate responses create an open atmosphere.  listen actively  Repeat and ask specific questions.  accept credibility of feelings (avoid judging)  “What do you think needs to be done to solve the problem?”  probe for causes of feelings Assimilate feelings and information  “Is that what you mean?”  record, structure and organize ideas  “In summary, you have said______and he has  record, structure and organize facts and said______?” feelings  “Let’s list all of the ways each of you feel the  record areas of agreement problem could be dealt with.”  record areas of disagreement Reinforce agreements  “You have made an interesting list.”  give additional support to areas of agreement  “Which suggestions seem most feasible? Uh,  personalize alternative solutions in relation to huh, I see, and do you agree? Why or why benefits not?”  record, structure and organize agreements Negotiate differences  “You don’t have to have full agreement on  affirm the right to disagree everything.”  record, structure and organize disagreements  “Let’s list the major areas of disagreement.”  identify possible compromises  “What would be an acceptable middle-ground position?”  personalize alternative compromises in relation to benefits  record, structure and organize compromise agreements Solidify commitment to agreements  “Let’s review those points again.”  Review all agreements  “Let’s put it in writing.”  Check for accuracy of perceptions  “That’s exactly what you should do. Go ahead.”  Confirm commitments Taken from Normal Shawchuck 27 Communication Under Control (Dr. Tom Koch, former OMF Counseling Consultant) 1) Act and don’t just react. Pick an appropriate time and place. 2) The one who requests the meeting speaks first. 3) The other person listens without interrupting (Proverbs 18:13,15,17). 4) When one speaks they talk about their personal feelings and beliefs (see below). 5) Never attack the other person verbally. Take personal responsibility to maintain self- control and to focus on the problem. 6) Maintain adult communication. Do not try to be a parent to another adult and do not become childish in your own behavior. 7) After the person who called the meeting has completed speaking, the listeners restate, in their own words, what has been said. They do not make any other statements until the first speaker acknowledges that the listener understands the content and intent (don’t assume or become defensive). 8) Now the one who was listening expresses their personal feelings and beliefs about the problem that has been identified. 9) No new or additional problems may be discussed until the immediate topic has been fully discussed. 10) If someone senses excessive anger within himself or herself they can call up to a 30- minute recess for the purpose of self-examination and prayer. Don’t run from or avoid problems, and don’t agree just because you are frustrated or want to end the confrontation. 11) Many problems can be resolved if we work at godly communication and godly conflict. Some problems will not be resolved but we will have developed understanding and respect. 28

Case Studies in Conflict Mediation

1. Two OMFers have been in conflict for a long period of time, and basically now just seek to avoid each other as much as possible. One party has sought to bring resolution by initiating dialogue in the past, but reconciliatory efforts were dismissed as inappropriate and manipulative. Both sides see that there is a problem but the differences seem too great to be reconcilable. On two previous occasions a third party sought to intercede but without success. Finally, one person expresses a deep desire to leadership to find a solution. As a leader what steps would you take to facilitate a mediation process.

2. Following a presentation at a gathering of home assignees by a home staff member, discussion over the content of the presentation became rather heated. One person felt that an OMF policy was being violated through the statements of the presenter, and thus challenged the presenter strongly. This escalated into a fair strong conflict, which became rather uncomfortable for the whole group. As the director, the problem has been brought to your attention, and you realize that something needs to be done. What actions would you take in response to the problem? 29

5. Resolving personal conflict situations. Principles for Communicating in Conflict Resolution (from Norman Shawchuck) 1) I’m the only one who can be responsible for my awareness. I can’t blame others for my feeling. 2) Don’t be afraid to check out your ideas and assumptions and about awareness. 3) Don’t assume others know how you feel. 4) Be careful to distinguish between feeling and being (differentiate between behavior and the person’s character/personhood). For example, “I felt that I was not represented fairly” rather than “You are a liar!” 5) Express feelings responsibly. Talk out feelings rather than act them out (“ I feel angry” rather than “You make me angry”.

Techniques of Conflict Resolution (from Mary Shummard) “It seems to me, I, pray, one point, and stay cool.” 1. “It seems to me…” In stating the other person’s feeling or assumptions, be tentative. Dogmatism forces people to be defensive. Use of the phrase “It sounds like.” or “It seems to me that you are…” help the other person to better define or clarify their feelings without being placed in a box. 2. “I”… Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements as much as possible. It is important to take responsibility only for what you personally feel and not what you suppose the other person thinks, or as to why they did what they did. For example, it is better to say, “I really felt angry” rather than “You made me angry”. The liberal use of “you” statements will tend to make the other person defensive, increase the anger in the situation, encourage retaliation and shift the focus from problem solving to personal attacks. 3. “Pray”. Maintain the presence of Christ by constantly praying in the situation of conflict. 4. “One point.” Stay on the topic at hand and don’t drag in a lot of other secondary issues or problem points. 5. “Stay cool”. Maintain composure and hold the other person in respect. Take responsibility for your own actions and statements regardless of what the other person says or does.

Leaders need to model forgiveness and the ability to resolve personal conflicts in a biblical and appropriate way. Leaders need to be approachable, non-defensive and prepared to listen. Our ability to handle personal conflicts will determine in large part our credibility and capability to mediate conflicts in other situations. 30 Appendix: Further Resources

Conflict Resolution in Relation to Temperament and Spiritual Gifts (taken from Uniquely You Profile by Mels Carbonell, Ph.D., p. 20, 1995) “One of the most, if not THE greatest hindrance to spiritual growth is conflict. Excited Christians, desiring to serve God, are often discouraged because of misunderstanding and clashes with other Christians. This section is designed to help you discover why people do what they do under pressure and why you may conflict with others. Scripture is clear on how to handle clashes. The problem is many Christians are not aware of their “sensitive” spots. Everyone can act like a “D” or “Prophet” when pushed too far. The following are tendencies of personalities and Spiritual Gifts as they relate under pressure.”

“D” behavior/spiritual gifts of prophecy, “I” behavior/spiritual gifts of prophecy, administration and exhortation exhortation and teaching  Under pressure becomes dictatorial,  Under pressure becomes hyper, overly domineering, demanding, angry, intense, optimistic, immature, emotional, irrational, forceful, direct bossy. silly, wordy, selfish.  Sources of irritation are weakness,  Sources of irritation are disinterest, slowness, indecisiveness, laziness, lack of –discipline, pessimism, details, time restraints, antagonism, plan, purpose, direction, authority, control, doubt, structure, lack of—enthusiasm, team challenge. participation.  Needs to back off, seek peace, relax, think  Needs to listen, count the cost, control before reacting, control self, be—patient, emotions, be—humble, strong, disciplined, loving friendly, loyal, kind, sensitive punctual, careful with words, conscientious. “C” behavior/spiritual gifts of prophecy, “S” behavior/spiritual gifts of mercy, ministry administration, teaching and giving and giving  Under pressure becomes moody, critical,  Under pressure becomes subservient, insecure, contemplative, negative, worrisome. fearful, weak-willed, withdrawn, sympathizer.  Sources of irritation are incompetence,  Sources of irritation are pushiness, instability, disorganization, foolishness, dishonesty, inflexibility, anger, disloyalty, insensitivity, inaccuracy, wastefulness, inconsistency, blind pride, discrimination, unfairness. faith, false impressions.  Needs to be—strong, courageous, challenging,  Needs to loosen up, communicate, be—joyful, aggressive, assertive, confrontational, positive, tolerant, compromising, open trusting, enthusiastic, outgoing, expressive, cautious, enthusiastic bold. Natural responses to conflict Recommended biblical responses  “D”s—want to attack  “D”s—restore with love  “I”s—want to expose others  “I”s—talk to God, not others  “S”s—want to support or submit  “S”s—care enough to confront  “C”s—want to criticize  “C”s—examine own self first 31

The following bibliography may be helpful in developing a deeper understanding of the issues, processes and strategies in conflict resolution. Biblography 1. Augsberger, David. 1992. Conflict Mediation Across Cultures. Louisville, KY. Westminster/John Knox Press. 2. Elmer, Duane. 1993. Cross-Cultural Conflict: Building Relationships for Effective Ministry. Downers Grove, IL. IVP. 3. Dobson, Leas and Shelley. 1992. Mastering Conflict and Controversy. Portland, OR. Multnomah Press. 4. Gangel and Canine. 1992. Communication and Conflict Management in Churches and Christian Organizations. Nashville, TN. Broadman Press. 5. Palmer, Donald C. 1990. Managing Conflict Creatively: A Guide for Missionaries and Christian Workers. Pasadena, CA. William Carey Library.