Counselor S Corner

Counselor’s Corner

Developing Children’s Problem-solving Skills

Scenario on the playground: Two girls get angry at each other and start fighting about who gets to climb the "rock wall" first. The mother of one of the girls immediately runs over and negotiates a settlement. She gives them some solutions to the problem and why some ideas were better than others. The girls listen carefully, and agreed to try one of the ideas. The conflict was resolved. Success, right? Maybe not.

A study, published in Child Development, finds that mothers and fathers, who offer lots of support and reassurance, when their young children are expressing negative emotions, may be doing more harm than good. This is because they are not giving the children enough space to learn how to manage problems on their own.

The researchers’ report that children who get high levels of support from both parents may be missing the opportunity to learn how to cope with negative situations because too much support “overwhelms and undermines the child's ability to work it out on his or her own”.

So what could the mother from the scenario do? - She could pause before heading right over the help. If the children are not able to settle the dispute within a couple minutes, then intervene. - She could intervene by prompting them to come up with a fair way to handle the conflict, rather than providing the ideas. If they can not answer, then ask questions to lead to solutions. This allows children to develop their own problem-solving skills.

How to advocate for your child without stifling his/her development:

- In the event of conflict, get the whole story. Your child's version of an event can differ greatly from the teacher's version, the coach's version, or the peer's version (or the real version).

- Don't make excuses for your child. Allow her to experience consequences for her actions and behaviors.

- Have your child try to resolve the situation on her own by discussing the issue with the person with whom there is conflict.

- If you do have to get involved, ask your child's permission first. Discuss with your child the action you would like to take and get his input.

Adapted from an article from CHOP by: Patrick S. Pasquariello Jr., MD