Mentoring Relationships Go Through Certain Phases. Learning About These Phases Will Help

The Mentoring Lifecycle: Birth Mentoring relationships go through certain phases. Learning about these phases will help you know what to expect. You can also be more supportive of your Mentee. In addition, you will find out what to do during each phase to make sure your relationship is great. Most mentoring relationships go through four stages, known as BEST.  Birth  Engage  Sustain  Transition These stages are not clear-cut. They frequently overlap. You may even find yourself returning to an earlier phase. This is all part of the normal development of the relationship.

The Birth phase is the beginning! During this phase, you will experience one of the most exciting events in the relationship - communicating with your Mentee for the first time. You and your Mentee will share what each of you are expecting from the relationship. It is important to remember that the Birth phase can be long. This is the phase in which you introduce yourselves, get to know one another, set ground rules for your relationship, and most importantly, build trust. Here are tips for beginning the relationship:  introduce yourself  write about topics that encourage conversation  set ground rules  set relationship goals  communicate effectively  find ways to avoid roadblocks to communication Introduce Yourself Begin your first e-mail by explaining how much you are looking forward to getting to know your Mentee and why you decided to become an e-mentor. This is important because sometimes young people do not know why adults want to mentor them. They won't tell you this, but they need to be reassured that you are doing this for sincere and genuine reasons. They need to know that you are truly interested in them and in letting them know you The sample that follows offers an idea of what that important first e-mail might look like. Hi! I am very excited that we have been matched together and am really looking forward to our getting to know one another. There's a lot I'd like to ask you about. What's going on in your life? How's the 10th grade? What kinds of things are you doing this year? What sports do you like? In addition, your first e-mail should make it easy for your mentee to respond.  Ask for more details about something you already know about your Mentee. For example, ask about something you may have in common or something that may be different (you were an only child, but she has four brothers; she lives in Alaska, and you live in Los Angeles).  Share how frequently you check your e-mail and ask when your Mentee typically checks his or hers.  Ask about the projects he or she is working on in school or after school.

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Setting Relationship Goals In your first e-mails, you should find out what your Mentee hopes to get from the relationship.  Is he or she looking for help with school work?  Does he or she have a career goal you could help him or her achieve?  Is your Mentee just looking for someone to talk to about the important issues in his or her life? Your mentoring relationship will be successful if you can help your Mentee work toward his or her goals, but you need to find out what they are first. During your first few communications, try to define these generally. You can define them in greater detail later. Set Ground Rules Be clear about what you expect of each other in your mentoring relationship. Write to your Mentee about things that you think will make your relationship a success and ask for his or her thoughts about it too. For example:  Ask your Mentee to let you know in advance when he or she won't be able to respond to you for a period of time.  Say that you will do the same.  Acknowledge that you will worry if you don't hear from him or her and can imagine he or she might feel the same way if you don't write.  Explain you are counting on your Mentee to let you know how you can be helpful.  Talk about when to e-mail and promise to try to accommodate each other.  Agree that you both will share if something makes you uncomfortable.  Promise to work together to resolve problems and seek help from others if needed  Remind your Mentee that e-mentoring is supposed to be fun for both of you. You will do your part and hope he or she does too. These points and any others you may want to add should be covered in the first weeks of your relationship. It may be good to revisit these ground rules later in the relationship if you notice something is not working between you and your Mentee. Workbook page 9 has a sample agreement for you and your Mentee to customize. You may want to change the language or add or delete items. Communicate Effectively Strong communication skills are critical to building your relationship with your Mentee. These four suggestions might help you with your e-mails. Take a look at these four topics by clicking on each item in the list below before you begin to correspond with your Mentee.  Communicate in a proper tone  Things to talk about  Communication tips  Fun with Emoticons :-)

Communicate in a Proper Tone Things to Talk About Young people and adults have different The goal of the Birth phase is to get to know communication styles and use different one another. Here are some conversation language. Often young people have difficulty starters for your e-mails: starting a dialogue with adults. Use these hints  Why are you both interested in to help the communication process: establishing a mentoring relationship?  Do not feel obligated to change your style by incorporating slang or jargon.  What does your Mentee hope to get out of the relationship?  Make sure you are trying to communicate with your Mentee on his or her level.  What ground rules do you need to agree on?

 Communicate in a more casual manner than  What three things do you have in you use in business situations. common?  Try using emoticons, symbols used to  What are your favorite things to do? express emotions online. Your mentee may use them, so you want to at least be familiar  What are your least favorite things to with their meaning. do?  Don't expect your mentee to change his or  What foods do you like to eat? her style to fit your expectations. You may find  What do you, the Mentor, hope to get that your differing styles show in your out of the relationship? communications.  What are your, the Mentor's, own goals o Some people write formally; others and dreams? communicate casually.  What holidays do your families o Some are short and to the point; celebrate and how do you celebrate? others use more descriptive language. Keep in mind that the key to succeeding in the Birth phase is getting to know your Mentee, o Some people interpret nonresponse helping him or her to know you, and building as approval; others see it as trust between you. How do you know if you are disapproval or rejection. succeeding? Most likely there will be small The important thing is to never make signs. The best sign is that your Mentee assumptions about the young person you're consistently writes. Another sign is that he or mentoring. Recognize differences that exist, she answers a question or asks you one. Or, maintain an open mind, and be patient. If you your Mentee tells you something somewhat need to, ask questions, double check, and read personal. your own e-mail a couple of times before When you see one or all of these signs you are sending it off. on the right track. If you do not see them, don't worry; just keep trying. Communication Tips Emoticons When interacting with young people, remember Emoticons can add some fun to your these tips for effective communication. communications. Here are a few that can help your Mentee comprehend the intent behind your  Find common ground early on e-mails.  Initiate discussions if necessary  :-) Basic smile Avoid quick judgments on language or topics   ;-) Wink  Use your own adult language  :-( Frown Avoid slang or street language   :-I Indifferent  Avoid put-downs or name calling  :-> Sarcastic smile Avoid comparisons to self or others   (-: Left-handed smile  Instead of advising on issues, encourage self-  8-) Sunglasses evaluation and reflection  :-{) Lipstick  Ask open-ended questions that invite your Mentee to provide detailed answers  :-)~ Drool  :'-( Crying  :-D Laughing  :-/ Skeptical  :-o Uh oh! Roadblocks to Communication Some communication styles tend to get in the way of a good interaction. These include:  Ordering - Telling your Mentee what he or she should do. For example, "Stop complaining that your Spanish teacher gave you a failing grade. Go into school tomorrow and talk to her about it."

 Threatening - Telling your Mentee to do something "or else..." This suggests there's only one acceptable course of action. For example, "If you don't start studying more, I'm not going to work with you on your school work anymore".

 Preaching - Telling your Mentee how to act or behave usually has a moralistic, "this is the right thing to do" tone. For example, "You shouldn't talk about other people like that."

 Avoiding - Trying to avoid problems or uncomfortable situations in the hope that they may go away. For example, "Oh, let's not talk about that. It's so depressing! Let's try to find something happy to think about."

 Pacifying - Trying to make your Mentee feel better without addressing the problem. For example: if your Mentee says, "I feel bad because I was mean to my little sister!" You reply, "Oh, don't worry about it. I did the same thing many times." Even though you may be sincere, you haven't helped your Mentee resolve the issue.

 Lecturing - Giving your Mentee unsolicited advice. For example, "If you want to get ahead in life, you must really go to college. You should really work harder in school so that you can get into college." To help prevent roadblocks from developing, click on the following for tips on ehancing communication with your Mentee.  Questioning Skills  Listening Tips

Questioning Skills Listening Tips To get your Mentee to Don't make open up and talk with you, assumptions. If you it's a good idea to practice read the words and jump to a conclusion, asking open-ended you are making questions - ones that assumptions. This is require more than yes-or- always a mistake! To no responses. make sure you understand someone These questions invite the else's meaning or speaker to share. Here are intent, you must some examples: check it out. Tell your Mentee what you Closed Ended think he or she meant Questions and ask if that is correct. Do you have a favorite What bands do you like? band? "Listening" to what your Mentee is saying Have you picked out a What types of work do in e-mails is career you might might you think you might extremely important. want to pursue? want to do? Here are some useful Is something bothering Youtips seem on howkind toof beupset a you? - what'sbetter up?listener. Did that make you feel I betCheck that out hurt... what youhow bad? areheard. you doing? You do this by responding with what Do you like dogs? What animals do you you think the other like?person said in two ways:

1. Summarize the content. For example, you might say, "So you're finding English really difficult?" or "You had a hard time with that

test, is that right?" Check for understanding.

2. Reflect back the feeling. Here you check to see if you understand how the other person feels about the subject. You might say, "you sound really frustrated" or "it sounds like that hurt your feelings." If you got it wrong, your Mentee will tell you. People rarely feel that they have been listened to and understood. It's a powerful thing!

You now have a solid understanding of the Birth phase of your mentoring relationship. You have learned  how to introduce yourself to your Mentee.  interesting ways to approach your early e-mails.  how to set ground rules and relationship goals.  how to encourage meaningful conversation and keep a dialog going. As you move forward into the next stages of the mentoring process, keep in mind that this first stage may take some time, even a couple of months. Building trust takes time, and you may find that your Mentee tests you to make sure you're trustworthy and authentic. Testing is natural, not personal. The next lesson gives you even more tools to keep the relationship on track.

The Mentoring Lifecycle: Engage Once your mentoring relationship is off to a good start, you and your Mentee enter the second phase: Engage. You have worked on getting to know one another while at the same time planning specific activities and goals for the relationship. This is sometimes called paying attention to "task" - the things you and your mentee want to do and accomplish - and to "relationship" - building a solid connection between you. In the Engage phase, you will deepen and strengthen your relationship, developing greater mutual trust and respect. At the same time, you will further define tasks, which includes identifying goals and making plans for activities that will help your Mentee achieve these goals. Personal Mission As your relationship deepens, you can build on shared history and trust by helping your Mentee get a clearer picture of core issues in all our lives, like one's unique purpose and values. By understanding and applying these issues, young people can make life choices that are consistent with who they are and who they want to be. This is sometimes called living your life "on purpose." It's a powerful experience and one that can be very much life enhancing. Why not help your Mentee start out on this journey while young? You may find that you benefit from guiding the process - you may get a clearer picture of your own mission and vision. Developing Goals and Objectives Many have pointed out that, "if you don't know where you're going, any road will do."

Most of us were never taught the skills of defining a personal mission (the "destination") and then setting goals and objectives (the "road map") to help get us there. Let's take a more structured look at this process. Take a look at the links below first to get a feel for what we mean by "goals" and "objectives."  Goals  Objectives

Goals Objectives A goal is a direction you are headed in over the Objectives are the smaller steps you take to next several years. It is not short term - it may progress toward your goal. To be useful, take months or even years to reach. objectives need to answer the question "what will change, by how much, by when?" Examples of goals: One way of testing an objective is to see if it is  If you are thinking about your health, you a "SMART" objective. SMART stands for: might set a goal of improving your cardiovascular fitness.  Specific - do you know precisely what has to happen?  If your Mentee is thinking about education, he or she might have a goal of obtaining a BA.  Measurable - how will you know if you've achieved this objective?  Perhaps your Mentee is focused on sports. A goal might be to compete at the varsity level  Attainable - is it realistic or doable? in soccer upon entering college.  Result oriented - will it really move you toward Notice that these goals will take some time to your goal? accomplish, and they suggest a direction, a way, to focus your time and energy.  Time limited - when will this need to be accomplished? Areas in which a young person might be interested in setting goals include: Usually objectives work best when they are written for a year or less. It's hard to know  Art/Music/Creativity what will change beyond that time frame, so it's  Education hard to set realistic objectives for more than a year.  Finance Let's say you have a 3-year goal of improving  Relationships your cardiovascular fitness. A few good objectives might be:  Spirituality  find out your current blood pressure and  Sports/Fitness/Health cholesterol level by [date].  Work  agree on a fitness regimen with my doctor by [date].  join the gym near my office by [date].  work out at least twice a week for 5 weeks straight by [date]. If your Mentee is a sophomore in high school with a goal of obtaining a BA, some good objectives might be:  begin to study weekly for the SAT by [date].  by [date], talk with his or her guidance counselor about requirements for admission and what must be done.  improve GPA to [specific grade] by [date].  get involved in at least [specific number] extracurricular activities by [date]. Now it's your turn to teach your Mentee how to do life planning. Pages 14-18 of your Workbook can help walk you both through the process.

Of course, many of these activities can and perhaps should relate to helping your Mentee achieve his or her goals and objectives. Remember, however, this mentorship is not only about task - goal achievement - it's also about relationships - getting to know each other better, enjoying yourselves, building shared memories. On pages 19-22 of your Workbook are two copies of an activity planning checklist - one for you and one for your Mentee. You might want to work through this checklist on your own and then share with one another. Use your answers - where you agreed, where you made different choices - as a jumping-off point for a discussion. You have learned how to  help a young person take a searching look at himself or herself.  help your Mentee establish clear goals and objectives.  identify activities you can do together that will support those goals. In the process, you and your Mentee have gotten to know one another better, building up shared experiences and a base of trust and good feeling. Success at engaging your Mentee is the foundation of a good relationship that will grow and develop through the Sustain phase of your mentoring relationship.

The Mentoring Lifecycle: Sustain The next stage of your relationship will likely be the longest as you Sustain your mentoring relationship. During this stage you will continue to help your Mentee reach his or her goals. You will both need some new skills to keep your relationship strong over the long term. These include  assessing the health of your relationship.  giving feedback.  solving problems.  determining if you are really making a difference. These four skills will be discussed in the lessons that follow. It is a good idea to periodically assess for yourself and check in with your Mentee about how things are going. Giving Feedback As your relationship continues to grow, there will be times when each of you will need to give the other feedback. Feedback is important to both correct problems and reinforce positive aspects of the relationship. However, even though feedback is critical to sustaining a relationship, most of us don't really know how to give constructive feedback. An effective feedback message has three key parts. Let's take a look at these three screens for some concrete advice on how to give feedback:  Behavior  Effect  Change

Behavior Effect Desired Change The first step in giving Many times people are not In this component, you tell the feedback is to figure out aware of the impact their recipient what change in exactly what behavior you behavior has. In this step, you behavior you'd like to see. want to call to your Mentee's describe the effect of the other Again, be specific and focus on attention. person's behavior on you or on behavior. others. Feedback should always be Example: "If you are really focused on behavior. Telling Continuing with the example going to learn Spanish and be

someone, for example, "You you might say, "I'm concerned able to use it in your work, I have a bad attitude" is not about this because you've told think you're going to have to good feedback. What behavior me you're interested in deal with your teacher and is it that suggests your Mentee working as a social worker and keep on learning. Here's what has a bad attitude? Keep in many of your clients would I'd like you to consider doing: mind that you cannot know probably speak Spanish."  Figure out what's not what another person's feelings Another effect you might talk working for you in class or beliefs are unless he or she about is the effect on you. For and go see the teacher to tells you. All you can know is example, you might share, talk about it. I can help you what he or she does. So, if you "When you sound like you've plan this out. think "My Mentee has a lousy given up on Spanish, it makes attitude about learning  Help me understand how I me feel frustrated because I Spanish," ask yourself "What can help and how I can am trying to help with this behavior makes me think make Spanish more subject. Sometimes I feel you that?" Then focus on the interesting and fun to you. don't care about the Spanish behavior. work we're doing together."  Do some activities with me You might say, "I remember that will help you learn and your writing that learning give you a chance to Spanish is useless. I'm practice, such as exploring concerned about this." You helpful Web sites." might then add, "I'm wondering if you have given up on Spanish, or decided it's not important-is that right?" In this way you clearly identify the behavior in a way that won't make the other person defensive.

Giving helpful feedback is a very important skill for both of you! To make it a little easier, we've included a Feedback Worksheet on page 28 of your Workbook. Give your Mentee a copy of this. Encourage him or her to use it whenever there is an issue they want to address. Problem Solving As in any relationship, it is inevitable that problems will occur with your Mentee. These may be problems between the two of you or between your Mentee and someone else. There may even be Mentee problems that don't involve others. You can play a key role in helping your Mentee find a workable solution to the problem. Even more importantly, you can model a problem-solving process that your Mentee can apply to other problems. The problems-solving process has six steps. Review the screens that follow to use as a guide in helping your Mentee:  Define the problem  Define success in solving the problem  Generate alternatives  Evaluate alternatives  Agree on action  Schedule follow-up  Give praise* *Though this is not a specific step in the problem-solving process, always remember to praise your Mentee for hard work and for the effort he or she is making. Most Mentors choose to mentor because they want to make a positive difference in the life of a young person. There are times when it is easy to see the impact you are having. For example, your Mentee might

 do well on a test or project on which you provided help.  get a job after responding to an ad you helped find.  successfully resolve a long-standing problem.  talk with you more freely.  ask you more questions.  be clearer about what he or she wants or needs from you.  acknowledge something about you. However, sometimes it is hard to tell if you really are making a difference. Click on the following link to see the thoughts two Mentees shared about how their e-mentors made a difference.  Making a difference

Making a Difference

"My Mentor really helped me do better in school. I've always had what is called an attitude problem. Mainly, I would get mad in class, curse at the teachers, and get in trouble. My Mentor gave me the idea that when I get so mad, instead of cussing, I should just excuse myself and leave the room for 5 minutes. Well, I tried that, and it worked great. I would go out in the hall, cool down, and then go back into class - no more attitude problem, no more trouble with teachers, and better grades. It was really good advice."

E-mentee New York, NY

"Since I joined (an e-mentoring program), I have built high self-esteem. I have also developed a sense of trust when it comes to adults. For most of my life, I never truly put all my trust in an adult as far as telling him or her how I feel, who I like, or who I choose to associate with. I just could not tell an adult, even my parents, certain things about myself for the fear that I might be reprimanded. When I joined the program, I was hooked up with (my Mentor). He always congratulates me for all my good deeds. He also asks me questions that involve deep thought, but I love the challenge. The e-mentoring program was a great opportunity for me to open up and not be afraid to ask questions and to get advice from an adult. I am truly thankful for the opportunity and encourage others to try it out."

E-mentee Washington, DC

Congratulations - you've learned a lot about how to sustain your relationship in this section! You now know how to  assess the health of your relationship with your Mentee.  give constructive feedback - feedback that the recipient can receive without defensiveness and can put into action.  apply a problem-solving model to issues or concerns facing your Mentee.  teach your Mentee how to use these skills for today and for tomorrow

The Mentoring Lifecycle: Transition The fourth phase in a mentoring relationship is the Transition Phase. Some mentoring relationships do end, often after an agreed-upon period of time. However, many Mentors and Mentees choose to stay in touch for years after their formal interaction ends.

We're going to talk about the ways your mentoring relationship may end or change. You can feel good about how this can happen. Keep in mind, though, that in one way mentoring is an ongoing cycle. When a Mentee grows up and decides to become a Mentor, the cycle of giving - you might call it a "virtuous cycle"- continues. Transitions, Not Endings How does a successful mentoring relationship close out the formal connection in a healthy, positive way? This transition isn't necessarily a moment for "The End" to flash on the screen. There are two main ways a mentoring relationship ends:  The Mentee or Mentor initiates the ending.  The Mentee achieves his or her goals, and the Mentor and Mentee have honored the agreed-upon time commitment. Keep in mind that it's a good idea not to wait until your last communication with your Mentee to start talking about transitions. Transitioning takes time, so be sure to begin exploring the topic long before the likely endpoint. As you work through the following lessons, look carefully at each of the ways a mentoring relationship ends. Ending "On Time and On Purpose" When your Mentee has reached his or her goals and the time commitment both of you agreed to has ended, it is time for closure on your formal relationship. This may not necessarily mean that you cannot contact your Mentee any longer. The policies of e- mentoring programs differ. Be sure to check with your program coordinator about communicating after the formal e-mentoring program has ended. If your program permits future interaction, you should talk with your Mentee about whether you would like to remain in touch, and if so, how. Click on these tips for helpful information:  Renegotiate Ground Rules  Celebrate Your Successes  Consider a Ritual "Rite of Passage"

Renegotiate Ground Rules Celebrate Your Successes "Rite of Passage" Start by revisiting the ground Don't forget to talk together Human beings are natural rules that you and your Mentee about your mentorship and makers of ritual. Find a human set at the beginning of your what your mentee has culture anywhere on the relationship and adjust them accomplished. planet, and you'll find rituals as necessary. created to mark major life You will almost always have a passages. Be sure to lot to celebrate. Reminiscing Concluding a successful  set realistic expectations about the times you've spent mentoring relationship is a for your ongoing together online - the fun significant life event that connection. you've had, activity disasters, rough moments and sweet deserves a ritual. Since we  reach a new agreement on ones - can feel great. don't have one that is universal how this more informal in this culture, you and your relationship can work for mentee can decide on one both of you. yourselves.  consider the program Some ideas might include policies regarding interaction outside of the  an e-mail "scrapbook" (cut formal e-mentoring and pasted from your e- program as you engage in mail correspondence) of this discussion. the best stories and activities that you and your Mentee have shared.

 a closing celebration. Many e-mentoring programs provide a closing celebration at the end of the program as an opportunity for Mentors and Mentees to meet face- to-face.  something uniquely "you" that you and your Mentee dream up together.

When The Relationship Ends Early Sometimes, despite everyone's best efforts, a mentoring relationship comes to an early conclusion. Common reasons for this include  major life changes (health concerns, major career shifts) that make continuing impossible.  one of the pair deciding to end the relationship. If the relationship ends because of an unavoidable circumstance, consider taking the time to  get closure between you.  celebrate what you have accomplished.  acknowledge that there is probably some disappointment on both your parts.  make sure your Mentee knows that this is not a reflection on him or her or how much you care. If one or both of you truly feels it would be best to end the relationship, then your goal should be to make the ending positive and affirming for both of you. During your final e-mails remember to  emphasize what has gone well - ways you've seen your mentee grow and ways you've benefited.  acknowledge that sometimes relationships are challenging and you hope you've both gained some skills in working on interpersonal issues.  reaffirm your faith in the young person's abilities and potential.  encourage him or her to keep reaching out to others who can make a positive difference in his or her life-and to give back to others. Transitions - or any change, for that matter - can be frightening, but you can ease the fears and make transitions go better. In this module you've learned how to  celebrate and mark the natural conclusion of a successful mentoring relationship.  examine premature endings to ensure that alternatives have been explored.  emphasize positive elements and ensure that even a premature ending affirms the young person and you. You've learned that  during the Birth stage, you will meet your Mentee and work on initial expectations.  during the Engage stage, you will deepen your relationship and set up goals and objectives.  during the Sustain stage, you will continue to communicate and work toward your Mentee's goals.  during the Transition stage, you will move beyond your formal relationship.

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