Every Time I Look up at the Moon, I Think of Them

The Sea of Tranquility

Every time I look up at the moon, I think of them.

Every time.

Still up there. Still watching us. The marble statues in the Sea of Tranquility each holding a hand outstretched, palm upward towards the Earth. Are the hands held out as if asking me to help somehow?

Or are they beckoning me to come back?

Our drive to go to space and to land someone on the moon had always been strong. The

Cold War with the Soviets pushed that drive to the limits. Our conflict of ideologies had grown too large to be contained on a planet. We had to take the competition to space itself.

The Space Race was a new battle ground that neither of our countries were ready for, but we waged it nonetheless. They drew first blood when they launched Sputnik. This came as a surprise to all of us. Quite the wake up call. Wasn’t it our manifest destiny to take America to the stars themselves? Then the Soviets gained a poster boy for their space program after Yuri

Gagarin became the world’s first man in space. We needed to stop playing from behind.

And so the duel between superpowers continued. Both countries suffered setbacks and casualties in our war for space but we kept soldiering on, striving ever forward. 2

But, space was so…hollow. Any victory seemed fleeting, inconsequential, empty. Now the moon, there was a target. Something that everyone could see. Something that someone could set foot on, plant a flag on.

Kennedy boldly announced we would put a man on the moon by the end of the decade.

So, Americans and Soviets alike, we all had our eyes on the new mission. But, it was such a colossal undertaking. Kennedy even reached out to Nikita Khrushchev and proposed a joint effort to reach the moon. Khrushchev immediately refused, then let the idea float around in his mind. He was about to sign accords to bring about collaborative efforts to join our countries’ dedication to a mutual goal, but that ended after Kennedy was assassinated.

It was 1969. The decade was almost over and we still hadn’t put a man on the moon yet.

Kennedy’s promise lingered like a ghost.

July. Finally all our years of planning and efforts culminated in the latest rocket of the

Apollo project. Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and me, Michael Collins, were selected for the mission. We trained countless hours, with the two of them constantly ribbing me about how I drew the short straw and would have to pilot Columbia while they got the honors of taking humankind’s first steps on the moon. I took it all in stride. I was just glad to be on the mission.

But, I’ve been a liar if I said I didn’t want to set foot on the moon. I still wish it had been me.

But, not to be outdone, three days before Apollo 11 was to launch, the Soviets had sent an unmanned rocket to orbit the moon. The Bear couldn’t allow anyone to see a sign of weakness.

Some wondered if the Soviets were bitter their own dreams of reaching the moon were shattered 3 by the deaths of Yuri Gagarin and Vladimir Komarov and the explosive failures of the N1 rockets.

July 16, 1969. Finally the day had arrived. All checks were completed and the countdown commenced. The world watched with collective hope. Many feared that this rocket might face the same fate as Apollo 1, especially the three of us strapped in the cockpit. The trauma of

Apollo 1 was still fresh in our memories. A fire had broken out in the cockpit pre-launch and burned all three astronauts to ashes as they tried frantically to escape. Buzz, Neil, and I tried not to think about it as the three of us sat looking upward at the sky inside of Apollo 11 with the five massive engines about to propel us into space.

Apollo 11’s engines ignited and it made its way off the planet and into space. Our Apollo

11’s launch was a success and everything was going according to the plan, as rehearsed in painstaking detail in the prior months. Through a series of separations, the rocket spacecraft transformed into the lunar landing module and the command module containing the cockpit with the three astronauts. Columbia, the command module, was to orbit the moon and be the transport back to Earth after Buzz and Neil in the lunar module had completed their survey of the moon.

After stabilizing the orbit around the moon, the lunar module detached and lowered itself to the Sea of Tranquility. I piloted Colombia, continuing on in orbital revolutions.

After the lunar lander touched down, the astronauts prepared the camera for the exploration of the lunar surface. Television broadcast all that was happening. It was as if we as a people were all transported there with them.

Neil Armstrong left the lunar module and said his now famous “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” Buzz hopped down the ladder and opened his shoulder pocket. 4

He drew out an Apollo 1 mission patch, a tiny silicone disc containing greetings from leaders of

73 nations, and medals commemorating the fallen cosmonauts Gagarin and Komarov. He placed these on the surface of the moon with solemn care.

“Would you look at that view?” Buzz said, indicating the blue orb of the Earth.

“It’s never looked so beautiful,” Armstrong said. “You should see the view from down here, Mike.”

“Yeah, yeah, don’t rub it in Neil,” I radioed.

They planted the U.S. flag in the lunar soil and saluted. Neil and Buzz went about setting up experiments to test solar winds and lunar geology and seismology. We watched the joy of the astronauts hopping around in the lower lunar gravity and shared it with them.

But, the Sea of Tranquility would prove to be not so tranquil that day.

Amid bouncing hops in the lower gravity, Buzz Aldrin froze. Armstrong looked closer at his now stark still comrade. An explosion in the distance reflected in Buzz’s gold visor. The camera shook, making the astronauts blur with the backdrop of the moon. A tremor shook the ground, sending up a fog of grey dust. We lost sight of them in the powdery cloud.

“What the hell? That better not be our ride. Houston?” said Armstrong.

“This is Houston. That was the Soviets’ Luna 15. Its orbit suddenly became erratic and decayed. Everything okay up there, Lunar Base? Columbia, check your orbit.” 5

Aldrin climbed into the module and shortly after responded. “Everything is looking good down here, Houston. It was far enough away. Columbia, did you see that explosion from where you’re at?”

“Looked like the Fourth of July to me!” Collins said. Everyone had a good chuckle at that.

Neil stood outside of lander. “Buzz, we may have a problem.”

Buzz climbed down the ladder. Neil pointed to a puddle of liquid underneath the craft. A slow drip spattered in the grey mud. Buzz went back into the lander. Neil examined the craft, looking for the source of the leak. “Check the fuel gauge. A seal might have popped loose. I’m seeing some moisture here. Please tell me that’s water or coolant.”

“Fuel gauge is looking good. Wait. It’s at full,” Buzz said, then tapped the gauge. “Fuel is at half and dropping.” After a few moments he said barely audibly, “Fuel is empty.”

Everyone listened to the static on the comms.

“Well, that’s it, boys,” Buzz said. “It’s been a fun ride and an honor to serve with you.”

“Lunar Base, Columbia: Black Flag. Repeat, Black Flag,” Mission Control’s resigned voice said.

Neil and Buzz’s quiet “acknowledged, Houston,” replies came through. 6

“Columbia, you are to begin disengage from lunar orbit and begin your approach to

Earth immediately.”

I didn’t reply, so Houston repeated.

“I fucking heard you, Houston. You can’t expect me to just leave them.”

“There’s nothing you can do for them now, Mike. We both know Columbia cannot make a surface landing. You know this, Mike.”

“It’s ok, Mike. Looks like you didn’t draw that short straw after all,” Buzz said.

“Think about your wife and your kids. Go back home and live a good life. That’s an order,” Neil said.

Honestly, I thought about landing on the moon anyway, crashing that damned command module down into the lunar soil and being there with them. They were my brothers and I left them.

“You have to save yourself and salvage what you can of the mission. Think of the bigger mission,” Mission Control cut back in.

I slammed my fists so hard on the console, I was afraid I had broken it. “Acknowledged,

Houston.”

The astronauts stood in place, expressions unreadable behind their gold helmets.

“We’re a long ways from home, Buzz.” 7

“Yeah. Yeah we are.”

For long minutes, the television feed showed the two motionless astronauts. They were side by side, looking up at the Earth.

As a country, everyone watched in horror, no one knowing what to say.

President Nixon interrupted the NASA transmission. He looked nervous. He cleared his throat a couple of times and in his gravelly voice said, “My fellow Americans, I bring news that is difficult to tell and even more difficult to bear. While the Apollo moon landing has not failed, it has faced unfortunate circumstances. The challenges we fought were as extraordinary as the mission itself.

“Fate has ordained that the men who went to the moon to explore in peace will stay on the moon to rest in peace. These brave men, Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin, know that there is no hope for their recovery. But they also know that there is hope for mankind in their sacrifice.

“These two men are laying down their lives in mankind's most noble goal: the search for truth and understanding. They will be mourned by their families and friends; they will be mourned by their nation; they will be mourned by the people of the world; they will be mourned by a Mother Earth that dared send two of her sons into the unknown.

“In their exploration, they stirred the people of the world to feel as one; in their sacrifice, they bind more tightly the brotherhood of man. In ancient days, men looked at stars and saw their heroes in the constellations. In modern times, we do much the same, but our heroes are epic men of flesh and blood. 8

“Others will follow, and surely find their way home. Man's search will not be denied. But these men were the first, and they will remain the foremost in our hearts.

“For every human being who looks up at the moon in the nights to come will know that there is some corner of another world that is forever mankind.”

The country watched in stunned silence.

The broadcast returned to the NASA mission. Neil told everyone to keep dreaming, to keep striving to the stars. They talked with their wives through the static and weeping. Buzz said,

“The Earth looks so beautiful from here. Goodbye and God bless.”

Their breathing slowed as they watched the sun rise over the Earth.

The feed from the moon cut away. At NASA, an austere clergyman commended the souls of the astronauts to the deepest of the deep.

Nikita Khrushchev made a public address expressing his sympathy and praising the bravery and sacrifices of our astronauts, the first humans to reach the moon. He spoke of courage and dedication and honored Armstrong and Aldrin, as not only national heroes, but as humankind’s heroes. He said that we should not despair, and to not view the mission as a failure.

The Soviets would carry the torch and pick up where we had left off.

There were some that thought the Soviets were just rubbing our noses in it and

Khrushchev was using this as an opportunity to gain political ground while the world watched our misfortune.

I plotted Columbia’s course for re-entry and landed in the Atlantic. I was recovered safely. It tasted like ash. 9

August 8, 1971, the Soviets successfully launched their own Soyuz rocket to the moon, led by Alexey Leonov and Valentina Tereshkova, the first woman in space. They landed in the

Sea of Tranquility not far from where our astronauts had landed three years earlier. Our politicians immediately cried out at the audacity of the Soviets. Veins popped out on angry necks and heads when the Reds, carrying a red and yellow hammer and sickle flag, approached the

Stars and Stripes. Were they going to defile our flag while we watched helplessly hundreds of thousands of miles away?

Our objections were quieted when the grainy TV feed showed that the cosmonauts, after standing their flag next to ours, were erecting two life-sized statues of men in EVA suits with

Apollo 11 Eagle shoulder patches. The cosmonauts turned the stone statues to face the earth, each with one hand outstretched. The cosmonauts saluted.

They completed their mission and returned home safely to Earth. Tens of thousands of jubilant people showed up in Red Square to welcome home the returning explorers in their parade. As a country, we were happy for them too, but our happiness was tinged with a shadow of sadness.

The moon hovers overhead as a reminder.

We will make it back there someday.

We have to. 10

There’s hope. There is always hope. America took the disaster on the chin, but we won’t stay down for the count.

Kate still wants to be an actress, but Ann and Michael both want to follow their father’s footsteps and be astronauts.

 Eric and Mark, sons of Armstrong.