Jan.-Feb 2016

Chapter Leader: Theresa Phillips TCF National Headquarters 24-Hour Help Line: (816)941-3904 PO Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL 60522 Private Facebook Page: Eastern Jackson County TCF Website: www.compassionatefriends.org Website: www.easternjacksoncounty tcf.org 630-990-0010

This Can Be a Constructive, January One to lift their voices and speak: if not a Happy Year New Year Let there be light. HAPPY NEW YEAR??? “How can new life it ever be again?” “How will I ever new hope --Sascha Wagner make it through another year of this new expectations torment?” new beginnings When we are hurting and so terribly Old times After the Holidays depressed, it is hard to see any good in old fears our new year, but we must try. First, old places The holidays are hard on all of us, we must hold on tightly to the idea that old disappointments but the let-down after seems to halt our we will not always be this miserable, old dead ends grief work. As bad as the holidays are, that we will some day feel good again. I am aware they are filled with people and noise, This is almost impossible to believe, but of my resistance to change some laughter and tears. In general, you even if we don’t believe, we must say it I am aware have to roll with the activity of the to our-selves over and over again that IT of how reality is and how larger family. IS TRUE, BECAUSE IT IS! Many Life Goes On It’s quiet now. It would be a good parents whose children have died in the I am aware time to “reach out and touch someone.” past will attest to this. Remember, no of how I feel vulnerable Maybe with a call or maybe with an old- one can suffer indefinitely as you are Birthdays fashioned handmade Valentine. Think of now. Death days the people around you that have helped Second, we must face the new year Celebrations you make it to the place you are today, with the knowledge that this year offers Anniversaries and let them know they’ve helped you. us CHOICE—whether we will be on our It is easier to write and mail kind words way to healing this time next year or still Seeking a new future than it is to say them face to face. If that be in the pit of intense grief. We must as the haunting past returns just isn’t your style, spend some time at re-mind ourselves that if we choose to I AM ME the card shop; search out the sentiment be on our way to healing by the that best reveals your inner feelings Change is possible and difficult following year, we must work to get about your spouse, your children, your inevitable there and that work entails allowing relatives or your friends. ourselves to go through our grief, to cry, I LIVE ON. We spend so much time indoors to be angry, to talk about our guilt, to do NOW these cold winter days, it’s easy to allow whatever is necessary to move towards ourselves to crawl into an inner shell. --Cindy Bouman, TCF, Hinsdale, IL healing. Make an effort to come out of yourself. Third, we must look for good in our Go to the next TCF meeting with lives and find reasons to go on and The New Year comes when all the world something to share: a card you’ve accept the fact that our continued is ready for changes, resolutions... received or copy the verse of a card you suffering will not bring our child back. great beginnings. chose to send to a loved one. Or try to Many of us have other children and a write and decorate a card to your For us, to whom the stroke of midnight spouse for whom we must go on. More missing child. Prepare for Valentine’s means a missing child remembered, important, we have our own lives that Day by binding the lovely cards of past must be lived. Most of us know that our for us the New Year comes years from your special child. It may dead children would want us to go on! more like another darkness. take courage to re-read them, and it may No, this coming year may not be a But let us not forget that this may be bring tears to your eyes, but maybe it happy one, but it can be a constructive will bring a little joy to your soul to one. Through our grief we can grow the year when love & hope & courage remember how innocently and sincerely and become more understanding, loving, find each other they loved you. Some of us have no card compassionate, and aware of the real somewhere in the darkness from our special children, but we know values in life. Let us not waste this new the special love of “Cupid, the Angel’s year!! --Margaret H. Gerner,TCF St. Louis, MO Arrow.” Our hearts have been pierced these children and their song An imagination to hold you... too. reminding us I will love you. reminding us again As long as there is time, --Anne Misel, TCF, Niles, OH that we must fill the time As long as there is love, we spend in life As long as I have a breath with understanding to speak your name... tenderness and peace Because I love you –Sascha Wagner more than anything... In all the world. --Daniel Haughian, Coeur d’Alene TCF

Silk Roses for Susan It Is Time for Love I took silk roses to your grave today. Heart Room Valentine’s Day is coming February has fewer days than most When I first measured my heart, and you loved red roses. months, and that may be of special I could not see; the light was dim. I sat there awhile and remembered your significance to us, as our children had A friend held the lamp while I looked in. last Valentine’s Day. fewer days than most. When we think of There was room for another person’s I kissed you and gave you candy this month, the most outstanding day, pain and sorrow, with money stuck in the top. perhaps, is St. Valentine’s Day. It is a And plenty of room for other people’s You tilted your head time for love. tears. in that certain way you had When we were school age we had a The depth of my compassion and smiled, pleased at the gift. special chance to give and receive cards everyone could see. Sweet daughter, I miss you so. in those decorated boxes in our primary But none of it really mattered until There was still much of life to share. classrooms. Perhaps it is the one holiday There was room in my heart for me Nineteen is way too young for dying. when children can really do something --P. G. White I would buy fresh roses for you every for everyone. Addressing a card to each day if I could have you back. and every classmate made you think of But I can’t change the ending. how you felt about each one and wonder So I took silk roses to your grave today, about how they felt about you. and cried fresh tears instead. Love is found in every day of every --Ginger Elwood, TCF, Knoxville, TN year, but February and Valentine’s Day are very special. I wish I could remember A Valentine Waiting for You just how it felt to get a “nicer” There’s a valentine waiting for you Valentine from someone I sent a That’s different from all the others. “nicer” one to. It is so long ago, and there have been so many, much more It’s there every month at our meetings The Season of the Heart For fathers, mothers, sisters & brothers. significant happenings in my life. But sometimes, I’d like to remember just This is the Season of the Heart! Yet Its envelope is made of caring. how it felt. I am sending along this many of us will be asking how to live The glue of understanding seals it tight. Valentine Love Note to each of you during this season with a heart that is This non-judgmental group right now and hope that you know it is broken. What is it that our hearts know who’ve been there one of the “nicer” ones, because each of during these days? What are the feelings Help to take away your fear and fright. you is very special to me. Somehow I that pulsate and ebb and flow? Is it: don’t wonder how you feel— I know. So come join with us together.  The Heart that catches its breath on a As we grieve the loss of our children Read your loving message printed clear, memory and is overwhelmed? and one another’s, we begin to find a In not only this month’s Valentine,  The Heart where hope seems absent? But all those throughout the year. different kind of love than we ever expected to experience.  The Heart that feels it absolutely --Mary Cleckley, Atlanta, GA cannot hold one more ounce of pain? --Rosalie Baker, TCF Rochester, NY  The Heart that knows the fleeting we who were left behind smile of a loved one? to know the shadows  The Heart that catches a fragment of we who were left behind I Will Love You joy and is warmed? to touch the night As long as I can dream,  The Heart that knows pain, and keeps we who were left behind As long as I can think, on loving? to heal the darkness and As long as I have a memory... to share this day I will love you.  The Heart that is tempted to lie still As long as I have eyes to see, and lonely? we who have turned once more and ears to hear,  The Heart that searches for the to hope and loving and lips to speak... acceptance of a friend? though we were given graves I will love you.  The Heart that is one day, suddenly, and lifeless children-- As long as I have a heart to feel, surprisingly single? we hear them now a soul stirring within me, Questions arise! Why is a heart red? Why does it have two lobes? ories are bad, but they are so poignant As weeks turn into months, that you will feel as if your heart will months into years, our lives start to  A heart is so vulnerable, so easily break. It is I who will determine when I “normalize” (although bloodied. leave. You cannot rush me or push me we will never be the same again).  A Heart consists of opposites, changed away. The deeper your love, the longer I Emotions begin to by sorrow and by joy. will linger. catch up with intellect  A Heart, when whole, includes all we gradually, grudgingly “As I begin to weaken and start the emotions. come to realize that they are never process of leaving, you may at first  A Heart can lie cold & sad & broken coming back to the way they were become frightened. You will fear that  A Heart can grow and heal and love… (we seek out psychics to connect you are not being true to your loved one We each have our choices to make! with them where they are now) --Marie Andrews, Southern Maryland TCF or will forget. Sometimes this fear will strengthen me and I will linger longer. As parents we have It’s Grief to Me At other times, I know it is time for me the need to nurture to spend time with someone else. It is (I will ALWAYS be your parent, It has been stated that our entire life time for you, my friend, now, to move you will ALWAYS be my child). is summoned up in the dash between the on.” We are compelled to make an emotional compromise and date of birth and date of death on our --Julie M. Beasley, Mechanicsville, VA, in tombstone. Life will bring death. Death Bereavement Magazine, Sept./Oct.r 2003. keep them alive in different ways. will bring grief, an active, vio-lent www.bereavementmag.com Like the caterpillar emotion that lives and breathes in one’s transforming into a butterfly life for days, weeks, months, and our children take on new lives. sometimes years. Listen to what grief To be sure it is not the way has to say. we want it to be but now in our hearts “I wait my turn patiently, through and in our heads we say births, accidents, illnesses; but sooner or “this is the way it is, later I will visit you. I will come like a this is the way it is going to be.” thief in the night: a knock at the door, Now we are parents again the ringing of a phone, perhaps even a and they are our children. letter. At first you will not acknowledge we have paid the ultimate price me. You will deny me, avoid me, run for wisdom, strength and courage from me, but rest assured I will become and though we will never your unwanted guest. In time I will feel We Are Survivors be the same again like a friend. we will BE In the beginning we are survivors “At first I will feel like a wave of --Phyllis & Moe Beres, TCF, Babylon, groping and clawing merely to rise NY emotion like none ever experienced & face each day without our children before. You will weep, you will feel WITHOUT OUR CHILDREN intense anger, you will be physically Because of you, sick and become unbalanced and some- But emotionally we cannot I love a little more, times literally lose your sense of being. (nor should we) Because of you I take time Friends, at first, will spend much time come to terms with this reality. To give an extra kiss with you. They are relieved it is you One cannot make this emotional feeling this pain and not them. It’s their commitment called parenting, then good-bye. duty to offer you a shoulder to cry on, a abruptly shut it off after a funeral Because of you, pan of lasagna, and several cards. But whether our child was six months or 60. there may be dust their lives have not been disturbed and Our love, our sacrifice, our future On the window sill, they will leave your house without me. cannot be measured by a and I don’t care. chronological clock. “As the days pass, everyone around Thus we cling to the hope that this is a Because of you, I live today, you has gone back to being normal. bad dream, a mistake, that soon Before I worry about tomorrow. They haven’t forgotten you, but they there will be a knock at the door, Because of you, have either not experienced me or have the phone will ring, I don’t give up quite as fast. forgotten me. You, on the other hand, we’ll hear their footsteps upstairs and are walking in a fine fog of my making. Because of you, they will be back where they belong now I can help or If you think, I will be there. If you run BACK WHERE THEY BELONG from me, I will be waiting. Your days listen more. are spent trying to act normal and your In the beginning we face each day Because of you, nights are spent alone with me. I can with disbelief. We plod on, today, I am ME. produce memories from the past that but we want our children back even you had forgotten. These memor- not their pictures, not their clothes ies are meant to dredge up even more not their memories painful memories. Not that these mem- WE WANT OUR CHILDREN BACK you wanted me to keep it and wear it. I computer. It is-well-it's who you are. didn’t understand why, but I wore it. Your brain-or you-is reading these At the time you gave it to me, I had words and taking in information in no idea what this big, bulldog shirt microseconds. So, with all its wondrous would come to mean. This shirt quickly abilities, why would your brain trick became my favorite shirt; it goes with a you, especially at a time when you need pair of jeans and I wear it when I go out it most? Because it's not perfect. for breakfast, when I’m relaxing around However, don't let your brain (or you) the house watching television, and I also take it personally. Just keep reading and wear it to sleep in. you'll begin to recognize how these After you left me, this shirt became brain imperfections can influence you much more than a com-fortable shirt to during the most difficult time of your wear. It became my special memory of life. you. I wore this shirt so much and washed it so many times that it has Trick #1: I will feel this way forever. acquired many holes, and every time I When the death occurred, you absolutely pull it out of my drawer to wear, I vow believed that you would never laugh that it will be the last time. I need to put again; but you did. Do you remember it away and preserve it for a special that first time? Were you surprised when keepsake to hold and treasure forever you heard laughter and realized that it and ever. was coming from you? After you The Promise of Spring But that’s not why you gave it to me. recovered from the shock, you may have You wanted me wear it and each time I chastised yourself for "forgetting" your When February comes, there is do, I think of you. I just can’t put this loved one. As time has gone by, finally an end in sight to the long winter. shirt away, just like I can’t let my however, you have hopefully begun to Sometimes melting snow reveals the memories of you ever be put away. realize that your loved one would want green tips of an early crocus or even the I remember asking you why you laughter to return. exquisite blossom itself, a soft flower of wanted me to wear this shirt. I said, hope invading a harsh landscape of “Chris, it fits you so much better than it Trick #2: Guilt graying snow and biting wind and fits me.” You said, “Momma, I just Perhaps the cruelest trick your brain ominous sky--a small promise of new want you to have it and wear it.” plays on you is one where the past life to come. So, honey, I did, and I still do. If continues to be rewritten. Just look at all My heart, grieving for my son who you only knew how many times I have the ways that guilt can complicate your died, was like that image of winter. For worn that shirt and how many times I grief. See if any of these sound familiar: somehow, even during the darkest, have held it in my arms and cried over If-Only Guilt-After the death you find coldest mo-ments, an unexpected sign of losing you. yourself revisiting events in the life of hope would intrude. And as the hours Well, Chris, I still find comfort your loved one in which you say, "If and days and months dragged on, my whenever I put that shirt on. And I only...." Or "I should have...." or "Why heart finally learned once again to be know in my heart that soon, very soon, I didn't I?" open to the promise of new life. Painful will have to put it away in a plastic bag Role Guilt-"I wasn't a good enough mem-ories melted into loving ones. Life in order to keep it. If I continue washing ______to this person." that seemed forever dormant once again it and wearing it, I will lose it. This We're still waiting for the perfect sprang forth from my heart. way, if I put it away in a plastic bag, I (choose one) In living hopefully and lovingly, the will be able to get out that old bulldog parent/spouse/sibling/grandparent/child. season of the heart can change. The shirt when I’m feeling lost, sad and Death Causation Guilt-The death loving memories of your child, like the lonely. And I can remember the comfort occurred because of something I did or flower in the snow, can be the beginning of your long skinny arms wrapped failed to do. It matters little whether I of the end of winter. tightly around me. Maybe it will even actually had anything to do with the --Maryann Kramer, Arlington Heights, wipe the tears from my eyes. I will death. I still feel guilty. IL, TCF always love you, Chris. Love, Moma --In memory of Christopher Alan Carter Trick #3: I'm not like those people who The Bulldog Shirt and Chris (7/21/77 - 2/12/94) use clichés. Not long before I lost you, you came by Denise Vicic, Chris’ Mom, TCF of If you're like most bereaved people over one day with this shirt. It was big South Central Kentucky you've heard so-called words of wisdom and gray and it had a Georgetown and comfort from those folks who think University Bulldog emblem on it. You --Daniel Haughian, Coeur d’Alene they are somehow helping: Everything were tall and lean, but you always wore Chapter TCF happens for a reason, I know just how your clothes too big and this shirt was you feel, and It's time to move one. No no exception. It was a big man’s shirt Ten Tricks Your Brain Plays on doubt these feeble attempts at soothing with a tough-looking bulldog on the you During Grief your pain have caused you some degree front of it. It was definitely not a shirt I of frustration as you say to yourself, Your brain-what an amazing organ. It would have picked out for myself, but "What is wrong with these people? can outthink the most complex Don't they get it?" However, your brain has deceived you again. Why? Because you began to meet people who had a Trick #10: Letting go of my grief means weren't these some of the same similar loss, your brain may have letting go of my loved one. statements you offered to others in grief concluded, "Their loss is terrible, but This brain maneuver is one of the before you knew better? How quickly they must not have loved their person as biggest challenges in coping with grief. our brain "forgets" that we, too, used to much as I love mine." Later, as you look If you could actually hear your brain be a member of the insensitive crowd. back, you may have realized that the speaking to you, the words would sound pain you were going through made it something like this: "Now that some Trick #4: I need to grieve just right. difficult to really feel the depth of grief time has gone by I can feel that the This trick is often played on those of us and despair experienced by others as intensity of my loss easing up just a who have issues with perfectionism. The they coped with their own loss. You little. But wait! I can't let this happen death you've experienced is like no now realize that, while you can never because if the pain begins to leave, the other. Therefore the grief reactions measure the amount of another's pain, memories of my loved one will slip you've been experiencing have thrust you have come to understand that, in our away as well. So, I must hold on to my you into a world that is foreign to you- humanness, we are all united by our sorrow, heartache, and anguish in order into a confusing array of emotions and grief because it demonstrates that we all to preserve the connection with this thoughts swirling around in your brain. have loved. person." This brain tactic is related to a As these reactions continue, another part type of guilt called, Moving On Guilt in of your brain is asking, "What's wrong Trick #8: Relatives who haven't spoken which guilt feelings surface at the with me? Why am I so______?" to one another will put aside their moment the bereaved person begins to Following the death of a loved one differences because of this death feel a little better. As you know, an you'll never hear someone say, "You When the death hit you and your family, important part of your grief work is to know, I'm grieving just right." Instead your brain might have concluded, "The hold on to the memories while you hear, "I'm not crying enough." Or tragedy and finality of this death in our simultaneously letting the pain of the "I'm crying too much." Or "I should be family will surely bring people together. loss gradually subside. more angry." Why these reactions? It's Family members will awaken to the fact just your struggling brain doing the best that life is too short to hold grudges, to So, there they are: ten tricks of the brain it can. persist in silent indifference to the that complicate the bereavement feelings of others, and to withhold process. Some you knew already and Trick #5: The second year will somehow forgiveness." However, you have sadly found yourself nodding your head. A be easier. realized again that your brain was couple of them may have been new to Another trick your brain will play on wrong. you as you have come to realize that the you is that it will convince you that death of your loved one has challenged nothing can be worse than going through Trick #9: I will get a little better each your brain in ways it has never each day of the first year-the first day. experienced before. In considering these birthday, the first holiday, the first In the past, when other negative events tricks, you will now hopefully be a little mother’s day or father’s day, the first occurred in your life, you may have kinder to your brain as it continues to Thanksgiving, the first anniversary. All found that, day after day, things did get cope with loss of someone you love. these firsts without our loved one add up a little better. In the case of grief, you --Bob Baugher, Ph.D. to a great deal of pain. For many of us, almost cannot blame your brain for once the first year is over, our brain coming up with a similar belief. conjures yet another deceptive scheme However, you may have discovered that Back into the World by offering convincing guidance, day 90 following the death was worse There would always come those "Whew! I've made it through one whole than day 30 and that you may have felt moments when a bright red top found year. As difficult as it was, I made it worse at the ten month point than you under the lilac, a snatch of tune, a small through each day. Year two should be did at the five month point. Why is this? mitten at the back of a closet, a child’s better." Better? Well, maybe for some One reason is shock, which is your footprint in the soft earth of the back people. But if you are like many people brain's way of cushioning the intensity yard would cut into me, sweeping Teddy you discovered that your brain lied. You of the blow. Whether death is sudden or back with terrible force, and I would go found that, in some ways the second expected, our brain goes into shock for a down into the basement and sit on one year was more difficult. Why? Because period of time. The length is different of the sawhorses and give way to long much of the first-year shock had worn for everyone. As you know, when shock shuddering sobs, until the seizure finally off and now the pain is raw. begins to wear off, the pain begins to set wore itself out and let me go again. And in. This is one of the major reasons that, then I would wipe my face and climb Trick #6: My grief is worse than anyone when people look back on the weeks back upstairs again, where the world-- else's. and months following a death, they impossibly, capriciously--was going At first, as you came across other people report that it was like they were in a fog, along exactly as it had before. who had a loss different from yours it like they were going through the --Anton Myrer, The Last Convertible may have been easy for your brain to motions much like a robot. People use come up with the belief that went terms like, "I was on automatic pilot." something like this: "Yes, these people Or "I was a zombie." Shock is your are also in pain. But their loss is not like brain trying to protect itself (you) from mine. Their pain cannot be as intense, as the full impact of the pain. deep, and long lasting as mine." When For Remembrance dates please visit our website at www.easternjacksoncountytcf.org

At first must cry in order to heal. Please my very name was grief. make it comfortable for me to express My thoughts were grief my feelings so that I can progress and everything I touched through my grief. was turned to grief. The steps I am taking are baby But now steps. Please don’t expect me to I own the light of memories. return to normal just because a year My eyes can see you, has passed since my daughter’s death. and my thoughts can know you The fact is that I’ll never be the per- for what you really are: son I was before this terrible tragedy more than a young life lost, occurred. I’m a different person now. more than a radiance Please be patient with me because gone into night. I don’t know the new me yet. Today you have become I will never forget my daughter or a gift beyond my grief, the joy and love she brought to my a treasure to my world life. It helps me to know that others Communion though you have left remember her too. Please share your On the first anniversary of your my world and me behind. memories with me so that Ali may death, --Sascha Wagner, Wintersun live for a few moments as you saw I went to the kitchen, . her. set the table with your Superman First Anniversary There are no shortcuts through placemat grief. Please don’t push me. I need to and pulled up your chair. A year has come and gone since I feel and experience my grief without I made a peanut butter and jelly held you in my arms, the day you a set time-table, without expectations sandwich, died. It seems like a blink of an eye I cannot live up to. I know you care and removed the crust as always on the one hand and an eternity on & are concerned, but you can’t take for a special occasion. the other. Many people thought of this pain from me the way you would I cut it into quarters and arranged the you on this day. Some were able to like to. I do need you for support and triangles on your red plate. share their sadness with me and we acceptance. I poured milk in your blue plastic shed tears together. Others didn’t This is the first of many Crayola crayon mug, put on its want to upset me, so they didn’t anniversaries. I can’t imagine the pointed top mention your name. How can anyone pain lessening, although many say it with the hole in the tip for a straw. believe that I don’t think about you does. I just know I made it through I had no straws. unless they say your name? I guess the first of everything without I don’t buy them anymore. that people don’t really understand Allison, and I am beginning the Sitting next to your place, the constant emptiness I feel without second year, wounded but alive. I apologized for no straw. you, or the good feeling I get when --Grace Kuther, TCF Manhattan I apologized for your death. someone lets me know that they I apologized for not being there. remember you. When I finished, I wish I could say to friends & I wiped my eyes with your napkin, family: gave thanks, When you see me crying at the ate the bread mention of Ali’s name, they are tears and drank the milk. of pain and an expression of grief. I --Shelley Wagner, The AndrewPoems Two Years Later

It has been two years, and it seems like yesterday. The pain is two years older, but still the same; the tears are two years older, but still the same. Will it be three times worse next year, or four times worse the next? I don’t know. Bradley is two years older and will not remember you, except for the things I can tell him. I sit him on the counter next to the refrigerator, and he looks at the pictures I have on it of him and his big brother. I ex-plain to him that he was only two when you were killed. He won’t remember how you used to tape leaves from the trees on the door to your room so he wouldn’t get into your things. He was so afraid of the leaves when they would blow in the yard. He won’t remember going with us to get your learner’s license, running around wanting cookies and something to drink, distracting you from your test. He was so funny, and you were standing there rolling your eyes at him. He won’t remember riding in the front seat while you drove home, with me in the back. I was so proud. He won’t remember his two short years with you, but he’ll know —I promise. --Marilyn Baker, TCF Atlanta