Beware of the Four Horsemen

Espinoza 1 Elizabeth Espinoza

Professor Harvey

Psychology 101

11 November 2009

What is love? How do we define this emotion that keeps us sane one minute and has us going “berserk“ the next? There is no specific definition for love; to everyone it expresses itself differently. Hence, love is perhaps the most difficult emotion for researchers to study, especially when this love is directed towards your significant other. From birth, people are biologically driven to form attachments with others. For the most part, infancy through early adolescence consists of us forming close relationships with our caregivers, relatives, and peers. However, once we enter mid-adolescence (13- 16), it is only natural to become fairly curious about forming an intimate relationship with someone you find attractive—whether it be physically or emotionally.

Usually, a relationship between two people begins when the infatuation is mutual. It is obvious that the beginning of a relationship is the most exciting, passionate, and romantic of all stages. But of course, these conniving emotions do not last forever. Eventually, one will find that what they once believed would never end—has ended. There is no way to sugar coat it, or make it all bubbles and rainbows for you, after this stage has ended all hell breaks loose. For that reason most relationships/marriages do not see forever. It is a fact that nowadays nearly 50 Espinoza 2 percent of all marriages end in divorce. However, in an attempt to alleviate the current divorce rate, John Gottman, an expert in the field of marriage, for decades has scientifically studied relationships and human nature. His studies focus on the interaction within a relationship and what habits ultimately make or break a marriage. Most believe that frequent arguing is what leads a marriage to divorce, however that is not the case. According to Gottman, “how you fight is one of the most telling ways to diagnose the health of your marriage” (Gottman 15). He discovered patterns in the way married couples argue, which can be used to predict

—with 94% accuracy—which marriages will succeed and which will fail (Gottman

Gottman has found that there are four infamous habits that, if present in a relationship, will most likely end a marriage in divorce. He refers to these

“destructive interactions” as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” which are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and withdrawal. Criticism “involves attacking someone’s personality or character—rather than a specific behavior—usually with blame” (Gottman 73). Contempt is the intention to purposely insult and psychologically abuse your partner. Defensiveness is when you see yourself as the victim, which leads you to constantly make excuses, whine, and “cross-complain.”

The last “horsemen” is withdrawal, or stonewalling. This final horseman is considered the most dangerous of all because an individual begins to withdrawal from the relationship itself, avoiding it at all costs. Espinoza 3 After reading John Gottman’s book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, I realized that my boyfriend, Joe, and I are both guilty of using most, if not all, of the four horsemen when engaging in an argument. I then understood that in order to save our four-year relationship I, especially, needed to alter my behavior. On July 18th

2009, I gave birth to our beautiful baby girl, Amarie. Now, more than ever, is the time to grow-up and maintain a vigorous relationship for the sake of our daughter. I am very much aware of the psychological effects that excessive and dirty arguing has on children, and I know that parents that raise their children as a “unit” have overall healthier and happier children. So over the course of 3 months, I have documented and analyzed a few of our arguments in order to understand what we both need to work on.

Freshman year I attended Rialto High School, where I met the first “love of my life,” Jesse. Our relationship seemed very genuine, very fresh, very new; we both had each other “head over heels” and we knew it. For about 3 months we were inseparable. Unfortunately, this didn’t last very long. I found out through my neighbor (his cousin), that my own best friend had been trying to “seduce” him. And

I guess it worked. I suppose I considered that my first broken heart. It was a horrible feeling, one that still haunts me till this day. I know he regretted what he had done.

He begged for me, he cried for me. Eventually I forgave him, but our relationship was never the same again. It had been tainted. For a year, our relationship was one big mess. We were on one day, and off the next. During that summer, I found out my dad’s job had relocated to Hesperia. My parent’s informed me that we were moving to Victorville. That was like a stab in the heart. I was leaving “everything” behind, Espinoza 4 including Jesse. My parent’s were having a hard time getting the house up here. I knew it, and I was glad, I was not ready to leave “everything” behind. Then one day,

Jesse and I had the biggest dispute yet; I had begun to “date” another guy, Andrew.

In a way, I did it just to retaliate for all the wrong he had done to me (shows a lot about my character, doesn’t it). I couldn’t take being without Jesse, and he didn’t want anything to do with me. Andrew didn’t quite fill that gap, so one day I wake up and tell my parents, that I’m ready to move (and just when they were about to give up). I’m a pretty impulsive person; I usually do things without thinking them through. September 2005, I’m living in a new city, attending a new school, and missing Jesse like a maniac.

In early November I meet, Joe. He’s full of life, charismatic, and definitely pretty to look at. We had the same sense of humor—and it seems like that will never go away. It doesn’t take us long to become ”boyfriend and girlfriend.” As scared as I was to get hurt again, I let him in. But this time, it was harder for me to trust. In my mind, all boys, guys, and men were not to be trusted. This made our relationship automatically go haywire from the start. Joe said he was different. But a couple months later, he’s doing the exact same thing as Jesse. Our relationship has been rocky from the get-go. It’s been a crazy four years, but for some reason we’re still together. I love him with all that I have, but trust is a big issue for me. We’re older now, we have bigger responsibilities, but I do not fully trust him. For that reason, most of our arguments are centered around trust. Another problem we have is that he’s not as affectionate as I am. I love cuddling, kissing, hugging, talking, and all that good stuff. Sometimes this really upsets me, sparking up arguments that could easily Espinoza 5 be avoided if he paid more attention to my needs and me. Since he doesn’t respect the fact that I have certain expectations, I tend not to respect him at all every now and then. According to Gottman, most couples he’s “worked with really wanted just two things from their marriage—love and respect” (Gottman 18). I agree, although I desire a little more love than respect, and he demands more respect than love. When we argue I criticize him a lot, and he, like anyone else, finds it very disrespectful. I don’t even know how many times he’s said to me, “Why the hell do you like to argue so much?” And I’ve thought about it, I argue because I feel like it’s the only time I have his attention—his love. Something else I believe Joe needs to work on is being more responsible. I’ve lost count as to how many times we’ve argued these past 3 months for that reason. Sometime this September, Joe tells me that he’s going over to his friend’s house after work and that he’ll be home soon. Then I get a phone call from him:

Joe: “Can I go to the casino with my friends tonight?”

Me: “Ummm, I guess. But remember that your mom asked me to do her hair

for a wedding tomorrow early in the morning”

Joe: “She did?!

Me: “Don’t come home too late so you can take care of Amarie while I’m gone

in the morning”

Joe: “Okay, bye.” Espinoza 6 Joe decides to not come home at all because he accidently fell asleep. I was already hesitant to allow him to go to the casino because of the trust issues that I have, and then he doesn’t even show up, or give me a call. This makes me so angry. The next day I call him around 7 in the morning about 3 times before he finally answers.

Me: (Yelling) “Can you come home right now. I thought I told you that

I had to be at your mom’s house early”

Joe: “I texted you last night but you never replied.”

Me: ”Ummm maybe because I was asleep. You always do this. You’re

so irresponsible. Why is it so hard for you to just come home early?”

Joe: “What are you talking about? I never do this. When have I done

this? I just accidently fell asleep”

Me: “You pulled the same stunt last week.”

Joe: “No I didn’t. Stop being angry.”

Me: “This is getting old, seriously”

Joe: “Where’s the macbook?”

Me: “Why are you asking me where it’s at like if I know; I’m telling you

to come home.”

Joe: “I’m not going unless you tell me where it is”

Me: “You’re so immature. Grow-up” Espinoza 7 I then hang up the phone and he shows up 10 minutes later. I tell him that

Amarie is still sleeping, and he just ignores me. We don’t really speak to each other throughout the whole day, until he finally apologizes. In this argument I used a lot of criticism when I told him that he was “irresponsible, immature, and that he needed to grow-up.” I’ve said those things to him many times, and I know he finds it very disrespectful. I was criticizing him as a person, rather then the “specific deed” that he had committed (Gottman 74). I also used a generalization when I said the global phrase, “You always do this.” This automatically put him in defense mode. He began to use the third horseman: defensiveness. When he said, “What are you talking about? I never do this,” he felt as if he was the victim. Gottman says that it’s a natural inclination to defend yourself from attack, so that is exactly what Joe was doing.

And that was the problem, because as the victim he felt like he did nothing wrong.

He was not taking any responsibility for what he had done. According to Gottman,

“defensive phrases… tend to escalate a conflict rather than resolve anything… adding to your marital troubles” (Gottman 85).

After this argument ended and he came home, we both withdrew from each other. I did attempt to communicate with him by telling him that Amarie was asleep, and he did not respond at all. This is when we both began using the fourth horsemen: stonewalling. This was very upsetting because I do not like being ignored. After reading this book, I noticed that Joe is prone to stonewalling. I believe that he stonewalls in order to avoid confrontation. What he does not realize is that

“stonewalling itself is a very powerful act: it conveys disapproval, icy distance, and smugness” (Gottman 94). When I stonewall, it’s very difficult for me. I love to talk to Espinoza 8 him, laugh with him and be affectionate towards him. So when I’m the stonewaller, it takes a lot out of me. He makes it look so easy. According to Gottman, 85 percent of men are stonewallers. Joe is one of those men.

I believe Joe and I have a volatile relationship. Once he apologized to me, we were better than we were before the argument. Volatile couples “fight on a grand scale and have an even grander time making up” (Gottman 40). I know that “as intense as [our] battles may be, [our] good times are that much better.” I do believe that our sense of humor keeps us together. Sometimes even when we argue, we’ll both begin to laugh.

I do consider myself more of the volatile one, and that’s what will ruin us. In my opinion, honesty and trust are essential in a relationship. Without that we will never stop arguing. Also he tends to be more of an avoidant when he’s not being volatile, I’m afraid that his mix-match will eventually be permanent. According to

Gottman, “mix-matched” relationships do not work out. I find that when we argue, we both use the four horsemen. There are times when I find myself using contempt as well. I insult, I mock him, and I’m sure my body language shows it as well

(especially since I’m a big eye-roller). Our arguments never seem to be completely resolved. In a couple day’s we’re arguing about the same thing.

Lately, I’ve been trying to avoid the four horsemen. After reading Gottman’s book I realized that I needed to change our hostile arguments, into more healthy arguments. Fruitful arguments that would lead to some type of resolution, rather than just bitterness. A couple days ago we got into another argument, but this time I Espinoza 9 attempted to avoid the deadly four horsemen. Joe was kind in enough to let me know in advance that he would be attending a concert sometime in mid November with his best friend, Emanuel. He told me it was a 3-day event, but that he would only be attending on a Friday. A couple days before the actual event, he brings it up and says that he will also be attending on a Saturday as well. My immediate reaction is “He lied to me! What a liar” But I stray from telling him in that manner:

Me: “Joe, you know I don’t appreciate you making plans with your

friends without consulting me first. I have a lot of homework to do,

and I really need you taking care of Amarie.”

Joe: “Babe, it’s only Friday and Saturday. Have my mom take care of

her, you know she’ll gladly do it.”

Me: “But, I do not like relying so much on your mom.”

Joe: “She really doesn’t mind. If anything she feels like she doesn’t see

Amarie enough.”

Me: “But you told me you were only going to be attending the event on

Friday, now you’re going both days.”

Joe: “Emanuel decided we should get our money’s worth and attend

both days. I’ll be home early. I promise.”

Me: “Okay, but you said, you’ll be home early.”

Joe: “Yeah, I will. Love you babe.” Espinoza 10 Me: “I love you too.”

This argument contained no yelling whatsoever. I did not use a harsh start up like in the first argument that I analyzed, and I feel like that made all the difference. I let him know how I felt without yelling at him or criticizing him. In a way, I turned what could have been criticism into a calm complaint. Gottman’s advice on this matter is that I need to learn to make my criticisms more specific, and to state them as complaints (Gottman 167). Which is exactly what I tried to do. In this argument he was not defensive because he did not need to. I did not attack him, which meant he did not have to defend himself. I was calm in this argument; by staying calm I avoided any unnecessary stress. According to Gottman, “By calming down you take a direct step toward reversing that distress” (Gottman 176). I felt like in this argument we actually got something resolved. He explained to me in detail why he was going both days, instead of saying something like “because I want to” or “I never go out.” Comments like those would have angered me and started an unhealthy argument. I also considered Gottman’s advice for volatile couples: Choose to be polite, Regardless of Your Spouse’s Actions (Gottman 207). This advice helped remove any negativity in our argument. Although I was upset that he chose to go both days, I trusted him when he said that he’d be home early. Early meant before 11:00pm.

That Saturday night he came home around 11:15pm, and I was not upset. The fact that our argument went so well made the actuality that he came a little late not a big deal. If our argument had been sour, I would have probably criticized him for coming in late. But I had no reason to be angry, all because I avoided the “Four

Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” Espinoza 11 In my opinion, we are socially conditioned from the start to act and respond a certain way to the opposite sex. We grow so accustomed to interacting with individuals of the same-sex, that when put into a marital situation we have a hard time adapting to our significant others ways. These hardships evoke problems within the relationship, and have a tendency to lead to never-ending fights and arguments, which ultimately opens the door to divorce. I admire Gottman’s book and his approach to deliver a “problem/solution” to the issue. Once the problem is understood, improvement comes with some determination. I feel like if we both don’t make sacrifices to change, then we will never make it to the altar. Now that I am aware of the “The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse” and what sends marriages/relationships down the drain, I will try my best to avoid them. I also feel like it is my job to pass on this knowledge to my boyfriend so that he does not find himself using these deadly horsemen. So, in a way, it’s like our good ol’ friend

Darwin said, “Only the strong [and informed] survive.”

Works Cited Gottman, John. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. New York, NY. Simon and Schuster Paperbacks. 1994. Print.