2. B) to Sprinkle Clothes Before Ironing. Who Had a Steam Iron?

History Exam (Don't peek at the answers 'til you try it) get your paper and pencil out.

1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located? a. On the floor shift knob b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch c. Next to the horn

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used? a. Capture lightning bugs b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing c. Large salt shaker

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters? a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance? a. Blackjack b. Gin c. Craps!

5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II? a. Suntan b. Leg painting c. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going? a. Studebaker b. Nash Metro c. Tucker

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid? a. Strips of dried peanut butter b. Chocolate licorice bars c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

8. How was Butch wax used? a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust

9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes? a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key b. Woven straps that crossed the foot c. Long pieces of twine

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision? a. Consider all the facts b. Ask Mom c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo

11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's? a. Smallpox b. AIDS c. Polio

12. "I'll be down to get you in a ______, Honey" a. SUV b. Taxi c. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony? a. Old Blue b. Paint c. Macaroni

14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill? a. Part of the game of hide and seek b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show? a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring b. Princess Sacajewea c. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school? a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high* b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure

17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases? a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos

18. Praise the Lord, and pass the ______? a. Meatballs b. Dames c. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit? a. The Ink Spots b. The Supremes c. The Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco? a. Tony Bennett b. Xavier Cugat c. George Gershwin

************************************************ ANSWERS

1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on. 2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron? 3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top. 4. a) Blackjack Gum. 5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil. 6. a) 1946 Studebaker. 7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water. 8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut. 9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck. 10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo. 11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease. 12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight! 13. c) Macaroni. 14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A- bomb drill. 15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet. 16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high. 17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store. 18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free. 19. a) The all male, all black group: The Inkspots. 20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.

******************************* SCORING

17- 20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely a GEEZER !

12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.

0 -11 correct: You are a sad excuse for a geezer or you are younger than springtime!

Dirt calls me the old timer and I am a "Weezer Geezer"

************** Things you wouldn't hear a Southerner say **

We don't keep firearms in this house. Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer? You can't feed that to the dog. I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. Wrasslin's fake. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? We're vegetarians. Do you think my hair is too big? I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. Honey, these bonsai trees need watering? Who's Richard Petty? Give me the small bag of pork rinds. Deer heads detract from the decor. Spitting is such a nasty habit. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. Trim the fat off that steak. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. The tires on that truck are too big. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. I've got it all on a floppy disk. Unsweetened tea tastes better. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. Checkmate. She's too old to be wearing that bikini. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. I don't have a favorite college team. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. Elvis who? Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. That's o.k., we don't need any gravy. Take that pink flamingo ornament off the lawn, are you Crazy; what would the neighbors think? Note: lawn boy statue can be substituted) We can't possibly use another black velvet Jesus or Elvis portrait at this house. What in the world are Chester and Thelma Mae going to do with 20 pounds of deer bologna? Don't put the old refrigerator on the front porch; it looks tacky. Can you believe Delmas and Bobbie Sue are burning trash? It's bad for the environment! Can we do boneless chicken breasts in Marsala Wine Sauce tonight? I'm tired of fried. Let's get the coon dogs spayed. Where's the nearest Midas Muffler Shop?

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. --Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? --The Irish Times, Washington, D.C. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. --The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. --Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

To do is to be. -Descartes To be is to do. -Voltaire Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra --Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. --Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. --Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war.-Hell, do both, get married! --Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

If you can piss this high, join the fire department. --On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet. O'Ryan's Irish Pub. Ashland, Oregon.

Beauty is only a light switch away. --Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. --Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. --Armand's Pizza. Washington, D.C.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" --Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. --Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. --Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested? --Men's restroom, American University, Washington, D.C. If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! --Men's restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, D.C. ======The Second Amendment was created so that the citizens can sleep good at night, and the politicians don't.

A woman asks a friend to help her shop for a dress for her upcoming wedding. They start looking in the white dress area. The friend says "You shouldn't be looking for white, that's for virgins and you've been married three times". The woman says "That's true, I have been married three times but I'm still a virgin." "How's that?", asked the friend. The woman said "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second was a lawyer and all he wanted to do was argue about it. My third was a stamp collector----God I miss him!"

Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas station. So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around... The first thing they see that resembles a being is the gas pump. The two aliens approach and the first one says "Earthling, take me to your leader!" Of course he gets no response..... The first alien looks at his buddy, and then addresses the pump again.. "Earthling, I said take me to your leader!" Of course, still no response.... The alien then turns to his buddy and says "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him!" At that, the second alien replies, "OK. I'm just going to stand down on the next block." The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time.. "Earthling take me to your leader!" Still nothing. So the alien then pulls out his ray gun and vaporizes the pump.... The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way down the block to his buddy. He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second Alien. "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me!?" The second replies "Well, I didn't know exactly what was going to happen. But there's no way I'm gonna' mess with a guy who's dick hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his left ear

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis. Isn't it simply grand to have a dong. It's swell to have a stiffy, it's divine to own a dick, From the tiniest little tadger to the world's biggest prick... So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas, Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake. Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend, Your Percy or your cock, You can wrap it up in ribbons, you can slip it in your sock, But don't take it out in public or they'll stick you in the dock, And you won't a-come a-back

Jack is one horny real estate guy and is not sure what to do about it. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill. Jack walks down the steet to the local brothal and knocks on the door. The madam opens the door and asks Jack what she can do for him. "I'm really horney but I only have $5. What can you do for me?", Jack asks the madam. She looks over this fellow and tells Jack, "Don't worry we can take care of you. No problem." She leads Jack into this room where in the opposite corner is a chicken. Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and closes the door behind her. With the eagerness of a teenager he quickly undresses. Once naked, Jack wastes no time and starts to fuck the chicken. As soon as Jack develops a rythym he starts to enjoy himself a great deal. He and the chicken really go at it for a while until all that built up frustration is finally released. Jack can't remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience. One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for $10. "Well for $10 we have special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a different room where there are several other people sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show Jack", the madam tells Jack. Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat on one of benches. Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each other. Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to each other. Jack once again feels like he is getting his money's worth. He turns to the person beside him and says, "this is a pretty good show for ten bucks eh?! The guy turns to Jack and says, "That's nothing.....last week we saw a guy fuck a chicken.

There were two Prudential agents were eating their lunch at 5 Mile Lake watching a water skiier go by. All of a sudden the skiier falls into the water The skiier had been below for quite a while. So one of the agents says to the other, "Hey we have to get him out before he drowns!" They both jump in and start diving till finally they come out with a body. They lay the body on the beach and one of them says "We can't let him die, I'll give him C.P.R." So he starts giving him C.P.R. After a few minutes he gets up and says "Holy moly, this guy has bad breath!" He can't continue. The other agent says "Well move over....we can't let him die!" A few minutes later he gives up, disgusted and says, "Youre right he does have bad breath" The other agent, standing behind, pauses for a moment and says" Wasn't the guy we were watching water skiing?" "Ya" responds the other. "So how come this guy is wearing skates?"

The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day's competition, the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn't take any more and kicked them out. The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests....instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy. The clerk responded, "I'm sorry, but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A Brief History Of Real Estate Agents

6 MILLION BC: God searches for a planet to establish life. Encounters real estate agent from "Lucifer's Planets & Gardens" who says "I've got a great deal on a fixer-upper just 90 million miles from the Sun."

5.9 MILLION BC: God buys the Earth and, after the closing, discovers it is a mass of molten goo. Angry, God confronts the agent and banishes him to spend eternity wearing polyester suits.

3.5 MILLION BC: God creates Florida.

3.49 MILLION BC: Thousands of real estate agents crawl out of the ocean to scout good condo locations. Market immediately crashes when agents realize that "snow birds" won't be invented for another 2 million years.

3 MILLION BC: A meteor crashes into Earth. The resulting crater creates a giant black hole filled with green ooze. The Multiple Listing Service is born.

2.45 MILLION BC: God makes Adam and Eve. However, delays in constructing Garden of Eden force Adam and Eve to live in an apartment eight months.

244 MILLION BC: Shopping for a move-up garden, Eve visits an Open Garden and encounters a fork-tongued real estate agent who tells her, "Garden, why would you want another one of those? I've got an entire apple orchard you can have real cheap."

550 BC: Jealous of rising property values, real estate brokers in Greece devise a way to attack Troy by using a Trojan Horse.

42 BC: Cleopatra decides to build the Pyramids. Real estate agent and builder try to convince her that Squares would be much cheaper. 30 BC: Rome touted as "the hottest housing market in Europe" Thousands of buyers flock in to make deals with real estate agents.

29 BC: Rome real estate crashes. Julius Caesar calls a meeting of his advisors to see what can be done. Chief real estate broker Brutus suggests Caesar tours Rome to inspire consumer confidence. "Just lead the way," Brutus (a CCIM) says, "I'll be right behind you."

1308 AD: Real estate agent list a tower in Pisa, Italy as a "one of a kind property. Solid building guaranteed not to lean."

1492 AD: Christopher Columbus lands in America. However, he mistakenly believes he's in India, thanks to a bogus land survey provided by a Spanish real estate broker.

1620 AD: Pilgrims land on Plymouth Rock. First colonial real estate agent promises Pilgrims that Massachusetts is "always sunny and warm. Never drops below 70 I swear."

1621 AD: Giant blizzard nearly wipes out Pilgrims. Real estate agent is banished to New Jersey.

1626 AD: Manhattan bought for 100 beads and trinkets from the Indians. The Indians' real estate agent takes 6 beads as a commission. l803 AD: Napoleon shocks and angers French real estate agents when he sells Louisiana to United States without an agent. At 515 million, sets record for largest "FSBO" sale in history.

1867 AD: United States purchases Alaska from Russia for 2 an acre, after Russian Czar is given advice by real estate agent that Alaska is "utterly useless" land with no value at all. THE JUDGE A man is in the dock, the Judges says,"one the 3rd August you are accused of killing you wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty", says the man in the dock. At this point a Prudential agent at the back of the court stands up and shouts"You dirty rat!". The Judge asks him to sit down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continues "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead". "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the agent stands up and shouts "You dirty rotten stinking rat".

The Judge calls the man to the bench and says "I have asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings about such horrible crimes, but please tell me what relationship have you to the man in the dock". The agents says, "He's my next door neighbour". The Judge replies "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".

The agent says, "Your Honour, you don't understand! Twice I asked if I could borrow a hammer, and both times he said he didn't have one".

URGENT BULLETIN Israeli police were looking today for a man named Joseph, wanted for looting in the port city of Haifa. The suspect was described as the son of a Barcelona ex-nun and a German father. He was a former flutist and worked occasionally as a farmer.

In short, he was a Haifa-lootin', flutin' Teuton, son-of-a-nun from Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe.

Winter In Massachusetts - If you ever spent a winter in snow country... > > August 12 > Moved to our new home in Massachusetts. It is so wonderful here; Walden > Pond is magnificent. Can hardly wait to see snow on the trees. > >> October 14 >> Massachusetts is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning >> shades of red and orange. Went for a drive through the forest near Walden >> Pond and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly, they are the >> most wonderful animals on earth. Saw the sunset over the lake. This must >> be paradise. I love it here. >> >> November 11 >> Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such >> a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here more each day! >> >> December 1 >> 5:00 PM. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one >>we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat >> by the picture window, watching the snow flakes drift down,clinging to the >> trees and covering the ground. It was soooo beautiful! >> >> December 2 >> Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looked like a perfect >>picture postcard. We went outside and had a snowball fight (I won). >> Later, I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both >> our driveway and our sidewalk. Later, a snowplow came along and >> accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. >> The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again. What a >> beautiful place; I love Massachusetts. >> >> December 8 >> It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has >> dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs >> snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. >> Shortly afterwards the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of >> the snow is now brownish-gray. >> >> December 12 >> Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became >> ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought studded snow tires for the >> car. Fell on my ass in the driveway, shoveling after the snowplow came >> through (for the third time that day). $145.00 to the chiropractor, but >> nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected. >> >> December 13 >> More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands >> from shoveling. I think the snow-plow hides around the curve and waits >> until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole! >> >> December 25 >> Merry Goddamn Christmas. More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on >> that son-of-a-bitch who drives the snow-plow, I swear I'll kill the >> bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to >>melt the damn ice. >> >> December 27 >> More white shit last night. Been inside for three days except for >> shoveling out the driveway after that snow-plow goes through every time. >> Can't go anywhere, car's stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman >> says to expect another 10" of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many >> shovels full of snow 10" is? >> >> December 28 >> The fucking weatherman had his head up his ass - we got 24" of that >> white shit this time. At this rate, it won't melt before the summer. The >> snow-plow got stuck in the road and that bastard came to the door and asked >> to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already, >> shoveling all the shit he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one >> over his fucking head. I couldn't find my ice ax to finish him off - it >was >> buried under a fucking snowdrift! >> >> December 29 >> 2 degrees outside. More fucking snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property >> that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night.Tried to keep >> from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater,which tipped over >> and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but >> suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and >> eyebrows. On the way home from the emergency room, I slid on the ice trying >> to miss a deer and almost put the car in the pond. Totaled the car anyway >> against an iceberg - yes, a fucking iceberg on the fucking Walden Pond >> shoreline! I should have hit the goddamn deer and taken my chances. Those >> fucking beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them ALL >last >> November. >> >> January 4 >> Goddamn fucking white shit keeps coming down. Have to put on all >> the clothes we own just to get to the fucking mailbox. Power still off. >> Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in. Tried to take a >> piss outside and ended up with a dicksicle. >> >> January 7 >> Sixteen goddamn more fucking inches of fucking snow and fucking sleet >> and fucking ice and god knows what other fucking white shit fell last >> night. I wounded the fucking snowplow asshole with the ice ax, but he got >> away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snowblind. I >>can't move my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More fucking snow >>predicted Wind chill MINUS 22 fucking degrees. >> >>January 8 >>Moved back to California. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind >>would ever live in that God-forsaken state of Massachusetts!

It's never too early for a good Christmas Song!

Marv Albert Theme Song: Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear to be sung to "Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland")

Lacy things - the wife is missin, Didn't ask - her permission, I'm wearin' her clothes, Her silk pantyhose, Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the store - there's a teddy, Little straps - like spaghetti, It holds me so tight, Like handcuffs at night, Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Marvin, He pretends that I am Murphy Brown. He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Whoa, Man!" "Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna, We can dress - like Madonna, Put on some eyeshade, And join the parade, Walkin' round in women's underwear!

LITTLE JOHNNY I

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

LITTLE JOHNNY II A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

LITTLE JOHNNY III Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!" Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

LITTLE JOHNNY IV A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

LITTLE JOHNNY V Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

LITTLE JOHNNY VI Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs. Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "you shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room. On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"

LITTLE JOHNNY VII Little Johnny took his new chemistry set down to the basement where he stayed all afternoon mixing various liquids together. Eventually, his dad went down and found him surrounded by test tubes, pounding something into the wall. "Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" asked the dad. "It's not a nail," said Johnny. "It's a worm! I tried to bring this worm back to life with my special chemical mixture, but my formula made the worm hard as a rock." Johnny showed his dad the liquid mix that he had soaked the worm in, and his dad said, "I'll tell you what. You give me the test tube with your special chemical mixture in it and I'll buy you a Toyota. So Little Johnny handed the test tube over. The next day, when Johnny got home from school, he saw a brand new Mercedes-Benz parked in the driveway. He then asked his dad about the car. "Oh," said the father, "your Toyota is in the garage. The Mercedes is from your mother."

LITTLE JOHNNY VIII A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" * Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

LITTLE JOHNNY IX Little Johnny is bored all day, hanging around the house. He goes into his parents room and finds them having sex. "What are you doing?" Johnny asks. "Uh, well, we're dancing." replies his mother. "What's daddy doing?" "He's my partner, now run along." A few nights later, Johnny goes into his sisters room and catches her having sex with her boyfriend. "What are you doing?" "Ummm, dancing." "What's your boyfriend doing?" "He's my partner, now get out of here!" Then Thanksgiving came around and Johnny's relatives were at his house. Johnny went into the bathroom and saw his grandfather beating his meat. "What are you doing?" Johnny once again asks. "Why I'm dancing." said his grandfather. "Well, where is your partner?" His grandfather replied, "When you've danced as long as I have, you don't need a partner."

LITTLE JOHNNY X Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?" "None.", replied Johnny,"'cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married? "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking.

LITTLE JOHNNY XI One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about." "Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish. Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yello, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!

LITTLE JOHNNY XII Little Johnny was a growing boy. He used to be bathed by his older teenaged sister who used to share a bath with him. Eventually the day came when little Johnny was to take his first bath by himself. He ran the water and, being rather shy as it was his his first time, he closed the door. Johnny's Mum was busy with the supper and passed by the door every now and then. She didn't want to disturb little Johnny. An hour passed and eventually she couldn't contain her curiousity. She knocked on the door and walked in. There was little Johnny scrubbing his genitals vigorously with his toothbrush. "Johnny, whatever are you doing?", his mother asked, to which he replied, "I don't fancy having a smelly cavity like my sister !"

LITTLE JOHNNY XIII Little Johnny was in class and the discussion revolved around the sounds that animals made. The teacher avoided Johnny generally as he was rather precocious and often embarrassed her. "What noise does a cow make children?", she asked. Johnny's hand shot up with the other childrens'. "Yes Mary ?", teacher asked. "Moo" "Very good Mary, now what noise does a duck make ?". Johnny's little hand shot up, pumping the air. "Miss, Miss, I know," he pleaded. "Yes Tom ?", the teacher asked. "Quack, quack", was the reply. "Well done Tom, now who can tell me what noise a pig makes ?", teacher asked. Little Johnny was beside himself, jumping up and down he eagerly pleaded, "Miss, I know please ask me, please." "Oh alright Johnny", said the teacher anxiously, "Tell us what noise a pig makes then". "Get up against the wall you mother fucker and spread 'em !"

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together... .the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon: Demon: Why so glum, chum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell. Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more. Guy: Gee, that sounds great. Demon: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it. Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest Cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead. Guy: Golly! Demon: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table. Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before... Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs? Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean... Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead. Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place! Demon: You gay? Guy: Uh, no. Demon: Oooh, you're gonna hate Fridays

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. ...till the boat sank. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months he is lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said, "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gumtree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. The guy was stunned. "Let's row over to my place, " she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?" When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean-- ?", he replied,. "I can check my e-mail from here?"

Subject: Varmint hunting, new regs

HUNTING & HARVESTING OF ATTORNEYS

372.01 Any person with a valid state rodent, swine or deer hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.

372.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of U.S. currency as bait is, however, prohibited.

372.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless the vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the edge of the road for collection and disposal. It may not be mounted under any circumstances, even when of trophy size.

372.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or fixed wing aircraft.

372.05 It is unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free scotch" for the purpose of entrapping attorneys.

372.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of court rooms, law libraries, health clubs or hospitals, or during the attorney rutting season (also known as "happy hour").

372.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Porsche or Mercedes dealerships, except on the first and fifteenth of each calendar month.

372.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or harvest same.

372.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of harvesting attorneys.

372.10 Bag Limit (per day)

Yellow bellied sidewinders - 2 Two faced tortfeasors - 1 Back stabbing divorce lawyers - 3 Horn rimmed cut throats - 2 Silver tongued sap suckers - no limit Honest attorneys - protected under the Federal Endangered Species Act

Happy Hunting!

Only a lawyer could create this scenario.....

Insured cigars

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ...get this ... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued ... and won! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

100 reasons it's great to be a guy:

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 2. Movie nudity is virtually always female. 3. You know stuff about tanks. 4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. 5. Monday Night Football. 6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives. 7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 8. You can open all your own jars. 9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight. 10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind. 11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying. 12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. 13. All your orgasms are real. 14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. 15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. 16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. 17. You understand why Stripes is funny. 18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 19. Your last name stays put. 20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. 21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. 22. You can kill your own food. 23. The garage is all yours. 24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. 26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. 27. You never have to clean the toilet. 28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. 29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 30. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. 33. The National College Cheerleading Championship 34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. 35. You don't have to shave below your neck. 36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite. 37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices. 38. You can write your name in the snow. 39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest. 40. Everything on your face stays its original color. 41. Chocolate is just another snack. 42. You can be president. 43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. 44. Flowers fix everything. 45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. 46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. 47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough. 49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. 50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think. 51. Foreplay is optional. 52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room. 54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by. 56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. 57. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me) 60. The world is your urinal. 61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you. 62. You get to jump up and slap stuff. 63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 64. One mood, all the time. 65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. 66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy. 67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. 68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing. 69. Same work....more pay. 70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character. 71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. 72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back. 74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory. 75. You don't mooch off others' desserts. 76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 77. The remote is yours and yours alone. 78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 79. ESPN's sports center. 80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. 81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers. 82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. 84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed. 86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!" 88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies. 89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary. 90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood. 92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny. 93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. 94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. 96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. 98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?" 99. Baywatch 100. There is always a game on somewhere.

Neiman-Marcus to ever get another penny off this recipe....

(Recipe may be halved)

2 cups butter 4 cups flour 2 tsp. soda 2 cups sugar 5 cups blended oatmeal (Measure oatmeat and blend in a blender to A fine powder.) 24 oz. chocolate chips 2 cups brown sugar 1 tsp. salt 1- 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated) 4 eggs 2 tsp. baking powder 2 tsp. vanilla 3 cups chopped nuts ( your choice) Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla; mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies. Have fun!!!