2. B) to Sprinkle Clothes Before Ironing. Who Had a Steam Iron?

History Exam (Don't peek at the answers 'til you try it) get your paper and pencil out.

1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located? a. On the floor shift knob b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch c. Next to the horn

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used? a. Capture lightning bugs b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing c. Large salt shaker

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters? a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance? a. Blackjack b. Gin c. Craps!

5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II? a. Suntan b. Leg painting c. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going? a. Studebaker b. Nash Metro c. Tucker

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid? a. Strips of dried peanut butter b. Chocolate licorice bars c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

8. How was Butch wax used? a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust

9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes? a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key b. Woven straps that crossed the foot c. Long pieces of twine

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision? a. Consider all the facts b. Ask Mom c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo

11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's? a. Smallpox b. AIDS c. Polio

12. "I'll be down to get you in a ______, Honey" a. SUV b. Taxi c. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony? a. Old Blue b. Paint c. Macaroni

14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill? a. Part of the game of hide and seek b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show? a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring b. Princess Sacajewea c. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school? a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high* b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure

17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases? a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos

18. Praise the Lord, and pass the ______? a. Meatballs b. Dames c. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit? a. The Ink Spots b. The Supremes c. The Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco? a. Tony Bennett b. Xavier Cugat c. George Gershwin

************************************************ ANSWERS

1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on. 2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron? 3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top. 4. a) Blackjack Gum. 5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil. 6. a) 1946 Studebaker. 7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water. 8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut. 9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck. 10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo. 11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease. 12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight! 13. c) Macaroni. 14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A- bomb drill. 15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet. 16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high. 17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store. 18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free. 19. a) The all male, all black group: The Inkspots. 20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.

******************************* SCORING

17- 20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely a GEEZER !

12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.

0 -11 correct: You are a sad excuse for a geezer or you are younger than springtime!

Dirt calls me the old timer and I am a "Weezer Geezer"

************** Things you wouldn't hear a Southerner say **

We don't keep firearms in this house. Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer? You can't feed that to the dog. I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. Wrasslin's fake. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? We're vegetarians. Do you think my hair is too big? I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. Honey, these bonsai trees need watering? Who's Richard Petty? Give me the small bag of pork rinds. Deer heads detract from the decor. Spitting is such a nasty habit. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. Trim the fat off that steak. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. The tires on that truck are too big. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. I've got it all on a floppy disk. Unsweetened tea tastes better. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. Checkmate. She's too old to be wearing that bikini. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. I don't have a favorite college team. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. Elvis who? Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. That's o.k., we don't need any gravy. Take that pink flamingo ornament off the lawn, are you Crazy; what would the neighbors think? Note: lawn boy statue can be substituted) We can't possibly use another black velvet Jesus or Elvis portrait at this house. What in the world are Chester and Thelma Mae going to do with 20 pounds of deer bologna? Don't put the old refrigerator on the front porch; it looks tacky. Can you believe Delmas and Bobbie Sue are burning trash? It's bad for the environment! Can we do boneless chicken breasts in Marsala Wine Sauce tonight? I'm tired of fried. Let's get the coon dogs spayed. Where's the nearest Midas Muffler Shop?

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. --Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? --The Irish Times, Washington, D.C. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. --The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. --Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

To do is to be. -Descartes To be is to do. -Voltaire Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra --Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. --Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. --Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war.-Hell, do both, get married! --Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

If you can piss this high, join the fire department. --On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet. O'Ryan's Irish Pub. Ashland, Oregon.

Beauty is only a light switch away. --Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. --Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. --Armand's Pizza. Washington, D.C.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" --Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. --Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. --Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested? --Men's restroom, American University, Washington, D.C. If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! --Men's restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, D.C. ======The Second Amendment was created so that the citizens can sleep good at night, and the politicians don't.

A woman asks a friend to help her shop for a dress for her upcoming wedding. They start looking in the white dress area. The friend says "You shouldn't be looking for white, that's for virgins and you've been married three times". The woman says "That's true, I have been married three times but I'm still a virgin." "How's that?", asked the friend. The woman said "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second was a lawyer and all he wanted to do was argue about it. My third was a stamp collector----God I miss him!"

Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas station. So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around... The first thing they see that resembles a being is the gas pump. The two aliens approach and the first one says "Earthling, take me to your leader!" Of course he gets no response..... The first alien looks at his buddy, and then addresses the pump again.. "Earthling, I said take me to your leader!" Of course, still no response.... The alien then turns to his buddy and says "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him!" At that, the second alien replies, "OK. I'm just going to stand down on the next block." The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time.. "Earthling take me to your leader!" Still nothing. So the alien then pulls out his ray gun and vaporizes the pump.... The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way down the block to his buddy. He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second Alien. "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me!?" The second replies "Well, I didn't know exactly what was going to happen. But there's no way I'm gonna' mess with a guy who's dick hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his left ear

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis. Isn't it simply grand to have a dong. It's swell to have a stiffy, it's divine to own a dick, From the tiniest little tadger to the world's biggest prick... So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas, Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake. Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend, Your Percy or your cock, You can wrap it up in ribbons, you can slip it in your sock, But don't take it out in public or they'll stick you in the dock, And you won't a-come a-back

Jack is one horny real estate guy and is not sure what to do about it. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill. Jack walks down the steet to the local brothal and knocks on the door. The madam opens the door and asks Jack what she can do for him. "I'm really horney but I only have $5. What can you do for me?", Jack asks the madam. She looks over this fellow and tells Jack, "Don't worry we can take care of you. No problem." She leads Jack into this room where in the opposite corner is a chicken. Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and closes the door behind her. With the eagerness of a teenager he quickly undresses. Once naked, Jack wastes no time and starts to fuck the chicken. As soon as Jack develops a rythym he starts to enjoy himself a great deal. He and the chicken really go at it for a while until all that built up frustration is finally released. Jack can't remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience. One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for $10. "Well for $10 we have special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a different room where there are several other people sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show Jack", the madam tells Jack. Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat on one of benches. Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each other. Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to each other. Jack once again feels like he is getting his money's worth. He turns to the person beside him and says, "this is a pretty good show for ten bucks eh?! The guy turns to Jack and says, "That's nothing.....last week we saw a guy fuck a chicken.

There were two Prudential agents were eating their lunch at 5 Mile Lake watching a water skiier go by. All of a sudden the skiier falls into the water The skiier had been below for quite a while. So one of the agents says to the other, "Hey we have to get him out before he drowns!" They both jump in and start diving till finally they come out with a body. They lay the body on the beach and one of them says "We can't let him die, I'll give him C.P.R." So he starts giving him C.P.R. After a few minutes he gets up and says "Holy moly, this guy has bad breath!" He can't continue. The other agent says "Well move over....we can't let him die!" A few minutes later he gives up, disgusted and says, "Youre right he does have bad breath" The other agent, standing behind, pauses for a moment and says" Wasn't the guy we were watching water skiing?" "Ya" responds the other. "So how come this guy is wearing skates?"

The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day's competition, the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn't take any more and kicked them out. The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests....instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy. The clerk responded, "I'm sorry, but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A Brief History Of Real Estate Agents

6 MILLION BC: God searches for a planet to establish life. Encounters real estate agent from "Lucifer's Planets & Gardens" who says "I've got a great deal on a fixer-upper just 90 million miles from the Sun."

5.9 MILLION BC: God buys the Earth and, after the closing, discovers it is a mass of molten goo. Angry, God confronts the agent and banishes him to spend eternity wearing polyester suits.

3.5 MILLION BC: God creates Florida.

3.49 MILLION BC: Thousands of real estate agents crawl out of the ocean to scout good condo locations. Market immediately crashes when agents realize that "snow birds" won't be invented for another 2 million years.

3 MILLION BC: A meteor crashes into Earth. The resulting crater creates a giant black hole filled with green ooze. The Multiple Listing Service is born.

2.45 MILLION BC: God makes Adam and Eve. However, delays in constructing Garden of Eden force Adam and Eve to live in an apartment eight months.

244 MILLION BC: Shopping for a move-up garden, Eve visits an Open Garden and encounters a fork-tongued real estate agent who tells her, "Garden, why would you want another one of those? I've got an entire apple orchard you can have real cheap."

550 BC: Jealous of rising property values, real estate brokers in Greece devise a way to attack Troy by using a Trojan Horse.

42 BC: Cleopatra decides to build the Pyramids. Real estate agent and builder try to convince her that Squares would be much cheaper. 30 BC: Rome touted as "the hottest housing market in Europe" Thousands of buyers flock in to make deals with real estate agents.

29 BC: Rome real estate crashes. Julius Caesar calls a meeting of his advisors to see what can be done. Chief real estate broker Brutus suggests Caesar tours Rome to inspire consumer confidence. "Just lead the way," Brutus (a CCIM) says, "I'll be right behind you."

1308 AD: Real estate agent list a tower in Pisa, Italy as a "one of a kind property. Solid building guaranteed not to lean."

1492 AD: Christopher Columbus lands in America. However, he mistakenly believes he's in India, thanks to a bogus land survey provided by a Spanish real estate broker.

1620 AD: Pilgrims land on Plymouth Rock. First colonial real estate agent promises Pilgrims that Massachusetts is "always sunny and warm. Never drops below 70 I swear."

1621 AD: Giant blizzard nearly wipes out Pilgrims. Real estate agent is banished to New Jersey.

1626 AD: Manhattan bought for 100 beads and trinkets from the Indians. The Indians' real estate agent takes 6 beads as a commission. l803 AD: Napoleon shocks and angers French real estate agents when he sells Louisiana to United States without an agent. At 515 million, sets record for largest "FSBO" sale in history.

1867 AD: United States purchases Alaska from Russia for 2 an acre, after Russian Czar is given advice by real estate agent that Alaska is "utterly useless" land with no value at all. THE JUDGE A man is in the dock, the Judges says,"one the 3rd August you are accused of killing you wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty", says the man in the dock. At this point a Prudential agent at the back of the court stands up and shouts"You dirty rat!". The Judge asks him to sit down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continues "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead". "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the agent stands up and shouts "You dirty rotten stinking rat".

The Judge calls the man to the bench and says "I have asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings about such horrible crimes, but please tell me what relationship have you to the man in the dock". The agents says, "He's my next door neighbour". The Judge replies "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".

The agent says, "Your Honour, you don't understand! Twice I asked if I could borrow a hammer, and both times he said he didn't have one".

URGENT BULLETIN Israeli police were looking today for a man named Joseph, wanted for looting in the port city of Haifa. The suspect was described as the son of a Barcelona ex-nun and a German father. He was a former flutist and worked occasionally as a farmer.

In short, he was a Haifa-lootin', flutin' Teuton, son-of-a-nun from Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe.

Winter In Massachusetts - If you ever spent a winter in snow country... > > August 12 > Moved to our new home in Massachusetts. It is so wonderful here; Walden > Pond is magnificent. Can hardly wait to see snow on the trees. > >> October 14 >> Massachusetts is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning >> shades of red and orange. Went for a drive through the forest near Walden >> Pond and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly, they are the >> most wonderful animals on earth. Saw the sunset over the lake. This must >> be paradise. I love it here. >> >> November 11 >> Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such >> a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here more each day! >> >> December 1 >> 5:00 PM. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one >>we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat >> by the picture window, watching the snow flakes drift down,clinging to the >> trees and covering the ground. It was soooo beautiful! >> >> December 2 >> Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looked like a perfect >>picture postcard. We went outside and had a snowball fight (I won). >> Later, I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both >> our driveway and our sidewalk. Later, a snowplow came along and >> accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. >> The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again. What a >> beautiful place; I love Massachusetts. >> >> December 8 >> It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has >> dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs >> snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. >> Shortly afterwards the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of >> the snow is now brownish-gray. >> >> December 12 >> Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became >> ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought studded snow tires for the >> car. Fell on my ass in the driveway, shoveling after the snowplow came >> through (for the third time that day). $145.00 to the chiropractor, but >> nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected. >> >> December 13 >> More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands >> from shoveling. I think the snow-plow hides around the curve and waits >> until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole! >> >> December 25 >> Merry Goddamn Christmas. More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on >> that son-of-a-bitch who drives the snow-plow, I swear I'll kill the >> bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to >>melt the damn ice. >> >> December 27 >> More white shit last night. Been inside for three days except for >> shoveling out the driveway after that snow-plow goes through every time. >> Can't go anywhere, car's stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman >> says to expect another 10" of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many >> shovels full of snow 10" is? >> >> December 28 >> The fucking weatherman had his head up his ass - we got 24" of that >> white shit this time. At this rate, it won't melt before the summer. The >> snow-plow got stuck in the road and that bastard came to the door and asked >> to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already, >> shoveling all the shit he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one >> over his fucking head. I couldn't find my ice ax to finish him off - it >was >> buried under a fucking snowdrift! >> >> December 29 >> 2 degrees outside. More fucking snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property >> that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night.Tried to keep >> from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater,which tipped over >> and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but >> suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and >> eyebrows. On the way home from the emergency room, I slid on the ice trying >> to miss a deer and almost put the car in the pond. Totaled the car anyway >> against an iceberg - yes, a fucking iceberg on the fucking Walden Pond >> shoreline! I should have hit the goddamn deer and taken my chances. Those >> fucking beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them ALL >last >> November. >> >> January 4 >> Goddamn fucking white shit keeps coming down. Have to put on all >> the clothes we own just to get to the fucking mailbox. Power still off. >> Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in. Tried to take a >> piss outside and ended up with a dicksicle. >> >> January 7 >> Sixteen goddamn more fucking inches of fucking snow and fucking sleet >> and fucking ice and god knows what other fucking white shit fell last >> night. I wounded the fucking snowplow asshole with the ice ax, but he got >> away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snowblind. I >>can't move my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More fucking snow >>predicted Wind chill MINUS 22 fucking degrees. >> >>January 8 >>Moved back to California. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind >>would ever live in that God-forsaken state of Massachusetts!

It's never too early for a good Christmas Song!

Marv Albert Theme Song: Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear to be sung to "Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland")

Lacy things - the wife is missin, Didn't ask - her permission, I'm wearin' her clothes, Her silk pantyhose, Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the store - there's a teddy, Little straps - like spaghetti, It holds me so tight, Like handcuffs at night, Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Marvin, He pretends that I am Murphy Brown. He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Whoa, Man!" "Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna, We can dress - like Madonna, Put on some eyeshade, And join the parade, Walkin' round in women's underwear!

LITTLE JOHNNY I

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

LITTLE JOHNNY II A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

LITTLE JOHNNY III Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!" Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

LITTLE JOHNNY IV A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

LITTLE JOHNNY V Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

LITTLE JOHNNY VI Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs. Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "you shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room. On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"

LITTLE JOHNNY VII Little Johnny took his new chemistry set down to the basement where he stayed all afternoon mixing various liquids together. Eventually, his dad went down and found him surrounded by test tubes, pounding something into the wall. "Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" asked the dad. "It's not a nail," said Johnny. "It's a worm! I tried to bring this worm back to life with my special chemical mixture, but my formula made the worm hard as a rock." Johnny showed his dad the liquid mix that he had soaked the worm in, and his dad said, "I'll tell you what. You give me the test tube with your special chemical mixture in it and I'll buy you a Toyota. So Little Johnny handed the test tube over. The next day, when Johnny got home from school, he saw a brand new Mercedes-Benz parked in the driveway. He then asked his dad about the car. "Oh," said the father, "your Toyota is in the garage. The Mercedes is from your mother."

LITTLE JOHNNY VIII A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" * Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

LITTLE JOHNNY IX Little Johnny is bored all day, hanging around the house. He goes into his parents room and finds them having sex. "What are you doing?" Johnny asks. "Uh, well, we're dancing." replies his mother. "What's daddy doing?" "He's my partner, now run along." A few nights later, Johnny goes into his sisters room and catches her having sex with her boyfriend. "What are you doing?" "Ummm, dancing." "What's your boyfriend doing?" "He's my partner, now get out of here!" Then Thanksgiving came around and Johnny's relatives were at his house. Johnny went into the bathroom and saw his grandfather beating his meat. "What are you doing?" Johnny once again asks. "Why I'm dancing." said his grandfather. "Well, where is your partner?" His grandfather replied, "When you've danced as long as I have, you don't need a partner."

LITTLE JOHNNY X Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?" "None.", replied Johnny,"'cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married? "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking.

LITTLE JOHNNY XI One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about." "Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish. Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yello, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!

LITTLE JOHNNY XII Little Johnny was a growing boy. He used to be bathed by his older teenaged sister who used to share a bath with him. Eventually the day came when little Johnny was to take his first bath by himself. He ran the water and, being rather shy as it was his his first time, he closed the door. Johnny's Mum was busy with the supper and passed by the door every now and then. She didn't want to disturb little Johnny. An hour passed and eventually she couldn't contain her curiousity. She knocked on the door and walked in. There was little Johnny scrubbing his genitals vigorously with his toothbrush. "Johnny, whatever are you doing?", his mother asked, to which he replied, "I don't fancy having a smelly cavity like my sister !"

LITTLE JOHNNY XIII Little Johnny was in class and the discussion revolved around the sounds that animals made. The teacher avoided Johnny generally as he was rather precocious and often embarrassed her. "What noise does a cow make children?", she asked. Johnny's hand shot up with the other childrens'. "Yes Mary ?", teacher asked. "Moo" "Very good Mary, now what noise does a duck make ?". Johnny's little hand shot up, pumping the air. "Miss, Miss, I know," he pleaded. "Yes Tom ?", the teacher asked. "Quack, quack", was the reply. "Well done Tom, now who can tell me what noise a pig makes ?", teacher asked. Little Johnny was beside himself, jumping up and down he eagerly pleaded, "Miss, I know please ask me, please." "Oh alright Johnny", said the teacher anxiously, "Tell us what noise a pig makes then". "Get up against the wall you mother fucker and spread 'em !"

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together... .the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon: Demon: Why so glum, chum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell. Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more. Guy: Gee, that sounds great. Demon: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it. Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest Cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead. Guy: Golly! Demon: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table. Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before... Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs? Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean... Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead. Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place! Demon: You gay? Guy: Uh, no. Demon: Oooh, you're gonna hate Fridays

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. ...till the boat sank. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months he is lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said, "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gumtree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. The guy was stunned. "Let's row over to my place, " she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?" When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean-- ?", he replied,. "I can check my e-mail from here?"

Subject: Varmint hunting, new regs

HUNTING & HARVESTING OF ATTORNEYS

372.01 Any person with a valid state rodent, swine or deer hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.

372.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of U.S. currency as bait is, however, prohibited.

372.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless the vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the edge of the road for collection and disposal. It may not be mounted under any circumstances, even when of trophy size.

372.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or fixed wing aircraft.

372.05 It is unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free scotch" for the purpose of entrapping attorneys.

372.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of court rooms, law libraries, health clubs or hospitals, or during the attorney rutting season (also known as "happy hour").

372.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Porsche or Mercedes dealerships, except on the first and fifteenth of each calendar month.

372.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or harvest same.

372.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of harvesting attorneys.

372.10 Bag Limit (per day)

Yellow bellied sidewinders - 2 Two faced tortfeasors - 1 Back stabbing divorce lawyers - 3 Horn rimmed cut throats - 2 Silver tongued sap suckers - no limit Honest attorneys - protected under the Federal Endangered Species Act

Happy Hunting!

Only a lawyer could create this scenario.....

Insured cigars

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ...get this ... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued ... and won! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

100 reasons it's great to be a guy:

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 2. Movie nudity is virtually always female. 3. You know stuff about tanks. 4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. 5. Monday Night Football. 6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives. 7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 8. You can open all your own jars. 9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight. 10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind. 11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying. 12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. 13. All your orgasms are real. 14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. 15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. 16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. 17. You understand why Stripes is funny. 18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 19. Your last name stays put. 20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. 21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. 22. You can kill your own food. 23. The garage is all yours. 24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. 26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. 27. You never have to clean the toilet. 28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. 29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 30. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. 33. The National College Cheerleading Championship 34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. 35. You don't have to shave below your neck. 36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite. 37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices. 38. You can write your name in the snow. 39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest. 40. Everything on your face stays its original color. 41. Chocolate is just another snack. 42. You can be president. 43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. 44. Flowers fix everything. 45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. 46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. 47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough. 49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. 50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think. 51. Foreplay is optional. 52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room. 54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by. 56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. 57. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me) 60. The world is your urinal. 61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you. 62. You get to jump up and slap stuff. 63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 64. One mood, all the time. 65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. 66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy. 67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. 68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing. 69. Same work....more pay. 70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character. 71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. 72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back. 74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory. 75. You don't mooch off others' desserts. 76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 77. The remote is yours and yours alone. 78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 79. ESPN's sports center. 80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. 81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers. 82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. 84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed. 86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!" 88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies. 89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary. 90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood. 92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny. 93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. 94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. 96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. 98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?" 99. Baywatch 100. There is always a game on somewhere.

Neiman-Marcus to ever get another penny off this recipe....

(Recipe may be halved)

2 cups butter 4 cups flour 2 tsp. soda 2 cups sugar 5 cups blended oatmeal (Measure oatmeat and blend in a blender to A fine powder.) 24 oz. chocolate chips 2 cups brown sugar 1 tsp. salt 1- 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated) 4 eggs 2 tsp. baking powder 2 tsp. vanilla 3 cups chopped nuts ( your choice) Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla; mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies. Have fun!!!

It's never too early for a good Christmas Song!

Marv Albert Theme Song: Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear to be sung to "Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland")

Lacy things - the wife is missin, Didn't ask - her permission, I'm wearin' her clothes, Her silk pantyhose, Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the store - there's a teddy, Little straps - like spaghetti, It holds me so tight, Like handcuffs at night, Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Marvin, He pretends that I am Murphy Brown. He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Whoa, Man!" "Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna, We can dress - like Madonna, Put on some eyeshade, And join the parade, Walkin' round in women's underwear!

LITTLE JOHNNY I

LOVE, LUST AND MARRIAGE ------This is not meant to be an affront against marriage. If you're married and some of this hits home, than it's a perfect time to spice up your life on Valentines Day

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room. LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love." LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing." MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about? LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have. LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot. MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own. LUST - When you steal everything they own. MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax. LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax. MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi." LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room. MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner. LUST - When all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings. LUST - When you couldn’t care less MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..." LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..." MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner. LUST - When you only see each other naked. MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them. LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them. MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When nobody else matters. LUST - When nobody else knows. MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel. LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it. MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about. LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about. MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner. LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner. MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

A NEW TALENT A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so the agent says "O.K. kid show me what you do". The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent. "Great kid! Just great!" says the agent "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V." (this was the early sixties) "By the way, what's your name?" The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian". "'Scuse me?" questions the agent. "My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies the young man. "Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian". Well the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent. A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?" With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So I've changed it". "Great kid, great! What's your new name?" "Dick Van Dyke."

This goes along with the How to be a Good Wife

I wasn’t feeling very well so Colleen pushed me to see the doctor. To make sure I finally went she went along. The doctor examined me and after several test he said I was under to much stress. He took Colleen aside to talk to her. At the time I didn’t know what he said to her but much later I found out what he said. He told Colleen that if I didn’t reduce my stress I would die. He told Colleen that she should do what ever it would take to reduce Mikes stress. He told her she should have dinner ready every night at the same time and it should be his favorites. Make sure the house is always clean and when he walks in let him sit and relax and maybe watch his favorite TV shows. Sex, this should happen frequently and make sure he is well satisfied. Remember if this doesn’t happen Mike could die Well on the drive home I mentioned that I seen her talking to the doctor. I push her for what he told her. After a couple of moments of silence she turns to me and said, “ The doctor said you’re going to die”.

IT'S NOT EASY BEING A GUY

Pity us men......

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't workenough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you, it's self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

Becky The preacher said: "There's no such thing as a perfect man. Anybody present who has ever known a perfect man, stand up."

Nobody stood up.

"Those who have ever known a perfect woman, stand up."

One demure little woman stood up.

"Did you ever know an absolutely perfect woman?" he asked, somewhat amazed.

"I didn't know her personally," replied the little old woman, "but I have heard a great deal about her. She was my husband's first wife." Police are warning all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs.""Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women of whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

Good luck, & be careful guys!

Becky Two Iraqis are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures.

"This is my oldest. He's a martyr."

"Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."

There's a pause. The second Iraqi says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

------Saddam Hussein phoned President George W. Bush. "I had a dream about the United States," he said. "I could see the whole country, and over every building and home was a banner," said Hussein.

"What was on the banner?" asked Mr. Bush.

"Long Live Saddam!" answered the Arab dictator.

"I am so glad that you called," said President Bush, "because I too had a dream. In my dream, I saw Iraq and it was more beautiful than ever; totally rebuilt, many, many beautiful tall, gleaming buildings, filled with clean-shaven workers, both male & female and over every building and home was a big, beautiful banner." "What did the banner say?" asked Saddam.

"I don't know," answered President Bush, "I can't read Hebrew!"

------

Jeff Barker You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive?

Makes one think, and puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ...... $10.32 per gallon Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ...... $ 9.52 per gallon Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ...... $10.17 per gallon Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ...... $10.00 per gallon Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ...... $33.60 per gallon Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ...... $178.13 per gallon Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ...... $123.20 per gallon Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ...... $25.42 per gallon Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ...... $84.48 per gallon and this is the REAL KICKER......

Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 ...... $21.19 per gallon.

$21.19 FOR WATER! ....and the buyers don't even know the source.

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid, PEPTO BISMOL or NYQUIL!!!!

CHURCH LESSONS > I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's > Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the > lines from the prayer. > Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she > carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: > "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some > E-mail. Amen." > ************************** > One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the > morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense > of order in the pew but were losing the battle. > Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up > the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, > the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray > for me!" > ******************** > And one particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash > baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." > ************************** > A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a > better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I > am." > ************************** > A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the > way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" > One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." > ************************** > The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, > he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. > Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly > tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a > little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, > "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?" > ************************** > Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel, were sitting > together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, > his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in > church." > "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. > Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men > standing by the door? They're hushers." > ************************ > A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, Ryan, 3. The > boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother > saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, > He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" > Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" > ************************** > A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year old son > ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a > seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son > asked. > "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment > and then said, "Did God throw him back down?" > ************************** > After the church service, a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow > up, > I'm going to give you some money." > "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" > "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever > had." > *************************** > A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their > six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" > "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. > "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. > The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite > all these people to dinner?" > *************************** > A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were > ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell > her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou > shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife." > **************************** > At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, > including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten > class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created > out of one of Adam's ribs. > Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, > and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" > Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going > to have a wife!" > **************************** > "Our father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name...." > **************************** > A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said > it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human, because > even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. > The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher > reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible. > The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah." > The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" > The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to > > town to > > do some business. > > > > "That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate > > one of the > > cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so's you know which one > > I want him to impregnate." > > > > Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the > > instructions, the farmer left for town. > > > > That afternoon, the "Inseminator" arrives, and the wife dutifully takes > > him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail. > > > > "There's the nail so this is the cow right here." she tells him. > > > > "What's the nail for?" the guy asks. > > > > Replies the wife, "I guess its to hang up your pants."

MOMMYMOMMY, IWASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.."

Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cuts him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and...

"then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

(Some times you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!!!)

Jerry Here's to T-bone steaks, yellow roses and friendship. > > > READ THIS!!!! and then reread it. Especially the last part... > > > > > > I walked into the grocery store not particularly interested in > > buying > > > groceries. I wasn't hungry. The pain of losing my husband of 7 > > years was > > > still too raw. And this grocery store held so many sweet memories. > > > > > > He often came with me and almost every time he'd pretend to go off > > and > > look > > > for something special. I knew what he was up to. I'd always spot > > him > > > walking down the aisle with the three yellow roses in his hands. > > > He knew I loved yellow roses. > > > > > > With a heart filled with grief, I only wanted to buy my few items > > and > > leave, > > > but even grocery shopping was different since he had passed on. > > Shopping > > > for one took time, a little more thought than it had for two. > > Standing by > > > the meat, I searched for the perfect small steak and remembered > how > > he had > > > loved his steak. > > > > > > Suddenly a woman came beside me. She was blonde, slim and lovely > >in > > a > > soft > > > green pantsuit. I watched as she picked up a large pack of > >T-bones, > > dropped > > > them in her basket, hesitated, and then put them back.. > > > She turned to go and once again reached for the pack of steaks. > >She > > saw > > me > > > watching her and she smiled. "My husband loves T-bones, but > > honestly, at > > > these prices, I don't know." I swallowed the emotion down my > throat > > and > > met > > > her pale blue eyes. "My husband passed away eight days ago," I > >told > > her. > > > Glancing at the package in her hands, I fought to control the > > tremble in > > my > > > voice. "Buy him the steaks. And cherish every moment you have > > together." > > > > > > She shook her head and I saw the emotion in her eyes as she placed > > the > > > package in her basket and wheeled away. > > > > > > I turned and pushed my cart across the length of the store to the > > dairy > > > products. There I stood, trying to decide which size milk I should > > buy. > > > > > > Quart, I finally decided and moved on to the ice cream. If nothing > > else, > > I > > > could always fix myself an ice cream cone. I placed the ice cream > > in my > > > cart and looked down the aisle toward the front. > > > > > > I saw first the green suit, then recognized the pretty lady coming > > towards > > > me. In her arms she carried a package. On her face was the > > brightest > > smile > > > I had ever seen. I would swear a soft halo encircled her blonde > > hair as > > she > > > kept walking toward me, her eyes holding mine. As she came closer, > > I saw > > > what she held and tears began misting in my eyes. > > > "These are for you," she said and placed three beautiful long > > stemmed > > yellow > > > roses in my arms. "When you go through the line, they will know > > these are > > > paid for." She leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek, > > then > > smiled > > > again. > > > > > > I wanted to tell her what she'd done, what the roses meant, but > > still > > unable > > > to speak, I watched as she walked away as tears clouded my vision. > > > > > > I looked down at the beautiful roses nestled in the green tissue > > wrapping > > > and found it almost unreal. How did she know? > > > Suddenly the answer seemed so clear. I wasn't alone. Oh, you > > haven't > > > forgotten me, have you? I whispered, with tears in my eyes. He > >was > > still > > > with me, and she was his angel. > > > > > > Every day be thankful for what you have and who you are. > > > > > > (Please read all of this, it is really nice) > > > > > > This is a simple request. If you appreciate life, send this to > >your > > > friends, including the person that sent it to you. > > > > > > Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings. > > Thank > > you, > > > Lord, that I can hear. There are many who are deaf. > > > > > > Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning light as > long > > as > > > possible. Thank you, Lord, that I can see. Many are blind. > > > > > > Even though I huddle in my bed and put off rising. Thank you, > >Lord, > > that > > I > > > have the strength to rise. There are many who are bedridden. > > > > > > Even though the first hour of my day is hectic, when socks are > >lost, > > toast > > > is burned and tempers are short, my children are so loud. > > > > > > Thank you, Lord, for my family. There are many who are lonely. > > > > > > Even though our breakfast table never looks like the pictures in > > magazines > > > and the menu is at times unbalanced. Thank you, Lord, for the food > > we > > have. > > > There are many who are hungry. > > > > > > Even though the routine of my job often is monotonous. Thank you, > > Lord, > > for > > > the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job. > > > > > > Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day and wish > >my > > > circumstances were not so modest. Thank you, Lord, for life. > > > > > > Pass this on to the friends you know. It might help a bit to make > > this > > > world a better place to live, right? A friend is someone we turn > >to > > when > > > our spirits need a lift. A friend is someone to treasure. > > > > > > For friendship is a gift. A friend is someone who fills our lives > > with > > > Beauty, Joy and Grace and makes the world we live in a better and > > happier > > > place. > > > > > > YOU ARE MY FRIEND! Now send this to every friend you have and > >don't > > forget > > > me.

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

************************************************************************ A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!" The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use that kind of language in the Lord's House." The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!" The preacher said, "No shit?"

************************************************************************ Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, Mom," he exclaimed, "For me?"

"Just take two," his Mother replied. "The rest are for your father."

Subject: Gabriel's Horn

It was time for Father John's Saturday evening bath and young sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he now," said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace and then Father John guided his Key of Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact," said the old nun more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved." "That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

Here is a riddle for the intellectually minded. The answer is at the end for those who cannot think this one through!! the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, The other is getting oral sex from an 85 year old woman. They are each thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?

Answer: Don't look down.

Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex > with > > Nookie Green every week for the last month." > > The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail > > Mary's." > > Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two > > months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a > > week for the last two months." > > This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?" > > "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. > > "Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's." > > At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a > > gorgeous, tall woman enters the sanctuary. > > All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and > > sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, > > with matching shiny emerald green shoes. > > The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes > and > > dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. > > The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?" > > And the bug-eyed altar boy replied, "No, I think it's just the reflection > > off her shoes!"

MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS:

JOB TIPS: 1. Never take a beer to a job interview 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT: 1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME: 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE: 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private, using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money. 3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days. 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family): 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM., others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE: 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS: 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE: 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too. 5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class. "NO!" the children all answered. "if I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me to Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me to Heaven?", I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!" "Well", I continued, "then how can i get into Heaven?" A five-year old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting >>>on a park >>> > >bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached >>>from across >>> > the >>> > >park. >>> > > >>> > >The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of >>>them and >>> > opened >>> > >his trench coat. >>> > > >>> > >Gertrude immediately had a stroke. >>> > > >>> > >Then Maude also had a stroke. >>> > > >>> > >But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that >>>far. BRIDAL SUITE, ANYONE?

A bride and groom were a bit giddy and a bit nervous as they climbed out of their car, complete with cans dragging the ground in back. They had both saved themselves for marriage and knew they would learn a lot in the next few hours. The groom picked up his bride, walked up to the hotel clerk and asked for a suite.

"Bridal?" asked the clerk.

The new bride flushed and said, "No, thanks. I'll hold his shoulders till I get the hang of it."

Bill Parker The Natural Laws of Golf

If golf is the game of American business, then that explains why business is in the shape it is.

Regards, George Miller PROACTION Management Consultants (001) 818-706-2200 http://www.proaction.net ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[contributed by Mary Gnazzo] 1) If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

2) The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.

3) Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

4) When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

5) Any change works for a maximum of three holes and minimum of not at all.

6) No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

7) Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

8) When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

9) If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

10) The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

11) The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.

12) If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

13) Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.

14) Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

15) A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

16) It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50 foot putt when you lie 10.

17) Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

18) Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

19) It's not a gimme if you're still away.

20) The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

21) There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

22) You can hit a 2 acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2 inch branch 90% of the time.

23) Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

24) If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

25) To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 600mph.

26) There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

27) Hazards attract; fairways repel.

28) You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

29) A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

30) If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.

31) If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

32) Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Jerry Carlson A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the women's bathroom...."

Bubba called his attorney and asked, "I hear they are suing the > cigarette > > > companies for causing people to get cancer, and now someone is suing the > > > fast food goliaths for making them fat, so what I want to know is, Can I > > sue > > > Budweiser for all the ugly women I have slept with ? > > >

Subject: Bible Class

If you know the Bible--even a little--you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions on the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e.,incorrect spelling has been left in).

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark which the animals come on to in pears.

3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten mmendments. 9. The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

A farmer passed away and left seventeen mules to his three sons.

The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth.

The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions began to argue.

Their uncle Earl heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. Uncle Earl added his mule to the 17, making 18.

The oldest therefore got one-half, or 9, the second oldest got one-third, or 6, and the youngest got one-ninth, or 2.

Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17.

Then uncle Earl, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.

Uncle Earl is an occasional consultant to Arthur Andersen

Don Dye Subject: FW: Golf humor

Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, or 10 or an even dozen? How many of you golfers know the answer to this one?

Here's the answer......

During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3 wood, he took another mighty swing,the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?" to which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side. She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?" He looked her right in the eye--and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

An 80 yr. old man who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told there wasn't anybody he could play because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps." And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap. next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money! The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?". "I do," replied the old man. "Please give me a hand."

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of $.50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then says well,then, let it read "Bob Smith died." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, in that case, let it read: "Bob Smith died. Golf clubs for sale."

REAL LIFE

> 1. CURL UP AND DIE: > > > >I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three > > > >kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you > > > >charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" > > > >- Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin TX > > > > > > >2. PAD PLEASE: > > > >An insurance man visited me at home to talk about > > > >our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of > > > >facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as > > > >best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and > > > >get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex > > > >right in front of our guest. > > > >- Kate Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC > > > > > > >3. HO, HO, HO: > > > >I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came > > > >into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet > > > >paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, > > > >so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They > > > >came out so well that I had copies made and included > > > >one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a > > > >relative called about the picture, laughing > > > >hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. > > > >Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to > > > >discover that in addition to my son, I had captured > > > >my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a > > > >camera! > > > >- Name Withheld > > > > > > >4. LADY GOLFER: > > > >I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of > > > >golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I > > > >had been using. After browsing for several minutes, > > > >I was approached by one of the good-looking > > > >gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he > > > >could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and > > > >said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." > > > >- Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI > > > > > > >5. NUTS ABOUT YOU: > > > >My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a > > > >store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were > > > >looking at the display case, the boy behind the > > > >counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, > > > >"No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister > > > >started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and > > > >I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my > > > >sister has never let me forget. > > > >- Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD > > > > > > >6. PRICELESS: > > > >A lady picked up several items at a discount store. > > > >When she finally got up to the checker, she learned > > > >that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her > > > >embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom > > > >and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE > > > >CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, > > > >SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the > store > > > > > > >apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for THUMBTACKS." > > > In a business-like tone, a voice boomed > > > >back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH > > > YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" > > > >- Name Withheld > > > > > > >7. MOM'S ADVICE: > > > >A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of > > > >the class was squirming around, scratching his > > > >crotch and not paying attention. She went back to > > > >find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed > > > >and whispered that he had just recently been > > > >circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher > > > >told him to go down to the principal's office. He > > > >was to phone his mother and ask her what he should > > > >do about it. He did it and returned to his class. > > > >Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the > > > >room. She went back to investigate only to find him > > > >sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I > > > >thought I told you to call your mom," she screamed. > > > >"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could > > > >stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

Pharmacology Terms > > > > > > > > > > In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is > > > > acetaminophen,Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is > > > Ibuprofen, and so on. > > > > > > > > The US Federal Drug Administration has been looking for a > > > > generic name for Viagra, and announced that it has settled on > > > > Mycoxafailin. > > > > > > > > Also considered were Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin,Mydixarizin, > > > > Mydixadud and Alimpdixafixit. And of course, Ibepokin.

Ever wonder where the word SHIT comes from? Well, here it is:

Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything was years ago) by ship. In dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was discovered what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "S.H.I.T" on them which meant to the sailors to "Ship High In Transit." In other words, high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Bet you didn't know the history of that word.

...... Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term.

Starved Prisoner

> A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for > 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a > young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, > ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses > her on the neck, then gets up,and goes to the bathroom. > > While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a > prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, > and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If > he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give > him satisfaction.This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill > us. > > Be strong, honey. I love you" > To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering > in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept > any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."

Subject: Things to Ponder > > > 1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those >little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. > > > > 2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing >section in a swimming pool? > > > > 3. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and >the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the >Tennessee Titans? > > > > 4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea. Does that mean that one >enjoys it? > > > > 5. There are three religious truths: > > A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. > > B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the >Christian faith. > > C. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at >Hooters > > > > 6. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, >does he become disoriented? > > > > 7. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from >Holland called Holes? > > > > 8. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? > > > > 9. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? > > > > 10. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? > > > > 11. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? > > > > 12. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put >your two cents in . . . What happens to the other penny? > > > > 13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? > > > > 14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale >bread to begin with? > > > > 15. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? > > > > 16. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person >who drives a race car not called a racist? > > > > 17. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? > > > > 18. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? > > > > 19. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? > > > > 20. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English >language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? > > > > 21. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it >follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys >deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners >depressed. > > > > 22. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge. Would they call it Fed UP? > > > > 23. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? > > > > 24. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? > > > > 25. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot >more as they get older then it dawned on me. They're cramming for their >final exam. > > > > 26. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little >spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks? > > > > 27. Why do they put pictures of criminals in the Post Office? What are >we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on >postage stamps so mailmen can look for them while delivering mail? > > > > 28. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly >are the others here for? > > > > 29. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. > > > > 30. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning. > > > > 31. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't >zigzag? > > > > 32. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door >went nuts. > > > > 33. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? > > > > 34. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Interesting facts:

Butterflies taste with their feet.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist. All polar bears are left-handed.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...

She thought a quarterback was a refund. She thought General Motors was in the army. She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here," she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...

She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept. She sent a fax with a stamp on it. She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools. She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...

She tripped over a cordless phone. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said, "Concentrate." She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...

She studied for a blood test. She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." She sold the car for gas money. When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home. She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front".

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions." How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21.... YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

A drunk man staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest politely coughs a few time to try and get his attention, but the drunk man just sits there. Finally the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk replies, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either."

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said, "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said, "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops!" She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said - "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"

Teacher asked her class what their fathers did for a living... The first little girl says: "MY NAME IS MARY AND MY DADDY IS A POSTMAN."

The next little boy says: "I'M ANDY AND MY DAD IS A MECHANIC."

Then one little boys says: "MY NAME IS JOHNNY AND MY FATHER IS A STRIPTEASE DANCER IN A CABARET FOR GAY MEN." The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Johnny privately and asks if it was really true that his dad dances nude in a Gay bar.

He Blushed and said "I'M SORRY BUT MY DAD PLAYS FOOTBALL FOR "THE SEATTLE SEAHAWKS" AND I WAS JUST TOO EMBARRASED TO SAY SO"

HOW TO MAKE LOVE

Ingredients: 4 Laughing eyes 4 Well-shaped legs 4 Loving arms 2 Firm milk containers 2 Nuts 1 Fur-lined mixing bowl 1 Firm banana

Directions: 1. Look into laughing eyes. 2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms. 3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently. 4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers. 5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight). 6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes: 1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use. 2. Do not lick mixing bowl aft! er use. 3. If cake rises, leave town.

Becky A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the older doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out of the office, screaming as she ran down the hall.

A new doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room, then marched down a back hallway to where the older doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you just told her she was pregnant?"

The older doctor continued to write on his clipboard as he responded without looking up, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?" Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago" Great," replied the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed mastur- bating vigorously. With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing!" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

This is strange... Can you figure it out?

Are you the 2% or 98% of the population? Follow the Instructions.

NO PEEKING AHEAD!

* Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow. * There's no trick or surprise. * Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can. * Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them... really. * Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss something).

Think of a number from 1 to 10

Multiply that number by 9

If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together

Now subtract 5 Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended up with (example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c,etc.)

Think of a country that starts with that letter

Remember the last letter of the name of that country

Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter

Remember the last letter in the name of that animal

Think of the name of a fruit that starts with that letter

Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange?

For those of you who are mathematically inclined.

MORE THAN 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100% out of you. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H A R D W O R K

8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E

11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E

1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T

2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top. And look how far ass kissing will take you.

A S S K I S S I N G

1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 127%

There's a fellow who is a golf fanatic. Every Sunday morning he has >an > > early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golf's all day long..... > > 36 holes sometimes. > > > > Well, one Sunday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs >out > > of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course. Coming out of >his > > > garage, rain is pouring down; There is snow mixed in with the rain, and >the > > > wind is blowing 50 mph. > > > > He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the >TV > > to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day >long, > > > so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back > > > into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different > > anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." > > > > To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is > >out > > golfing in that shit?"

Subject: : First Graders

> > FIRST GRADERS > > > A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. > She gave each > child in her class the first half of a proverb and > asked them to > come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's > hard to believe these were > actually > done by first graders -- their insight may surprise > you. > > Better to be safe than...... punch a > 5th grader. > > Strike while the ...... bug is > close. > > It's always darkest before...... Daylight > Savings Time. > > Never underestimate the power > of...... termites. > > You can lead a horse to water but...... how? > > Don't bite the hand that...... looks > dirty. > > No news > is...... impossible. > > A miss is as good as a...... Mr. > > You can't teach an old dog new...... math. > > If you lie down with dogs, you'll...... stink in > the morning. > > Love all, trust...... me. > > The pen is mightier than the...... pigs. > > An idle mind is...... the best > way to relax. > > Where there's smoke > there's...... pollution. > > Happy the bride who...... gets all > the presents. > > A penny saved is...... not > much. > > Two's company, three's...... the > Musketeers. > > Don't put off till tomorrow what...... you put > on to go to bed. > > Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and > ....you have to blow > your nose. > > There are none so blind as...... Stevie > Wonder. > > Children should be seen and not...... spanked > or grounded. > > If at first you don't succeed...... get new > batteries. > > You get out of something only what you..... see in > the picture on the > box. > > When the blind leadeth the blind...... get out > of the way.

1.Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

4. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.

5. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women are their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 8. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

9. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

10. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

11. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12. AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

A Good Thought

She is 92 years old petite, well poised, and proud. She is fully dressed each morning by eight o"clock, with her hair fashionably coiled and her makeup perfectly applied, in spite of the fact that she is legally blind.

Today she has moved to a nursing home. Her husband of 70 years has recently passed away, making this move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, where I am employed, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet curtains that had been hung on her window.

"I'll love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of a eight year old having just been presented with a new puppy. "Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room - just wait," I said. Then she spoke these words that I will never forget.

"That does not have anything to do with it," she gently replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not does not depend on how the furniture is arranged. It is how I arrange my mind. I have already decided to love it. It is a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice. I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or I can get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do work. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I will focus on the new day and all of the happy memories I have stored away - - just for this time in my life. Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you have already put in."

Blonde at the Football game

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time. Afterwards, he asked her how she liked the game.

"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

"What on earth do you mean???"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin, and one team got it, and then, for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

Jack loves the racetrack.One day he was betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the fourth race. Lo and behold, this horse a very long shot won the race.

Jack was most curious to see what the priest did for the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out on the track as the fifth race horses lined up, and he placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Jack made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Jack collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the sixth race. The priest blessed a horse, Jack bet on it and won! Jack was elated. As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses and it always came in first.

Jack began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at he ATM and withdrew every penny he owned and waited for the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Jack placed his bet, every last cent he owned, and watched the horse come in dead last.

Jack was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happended Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race you bless the horse and he loses. I have lost my life savings, thanks to you!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants. You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rights."

To prepare for his big date the young man went on top of the roof of his > >>apartment building in order to get a little color for himself. Not wanting > >>any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately he fell > >>asleep while on the roof and sunburned his Johnson... > >> > >> > >>Being very determined the young man decided not to miss his date, because > >>it was a hot blonde. So, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it > >>in gauze. Feeling this should resolve his painful situation. > >> > >> > >>The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man > >>treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living > >>room to watch a movie. During the movie, however the young man's sunburn > >>started acting up. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to > >>be excused. A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing > >>sunburn pain so he went to the kitchen, and poured a tall cold glass of > >>milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced > >>immediate relief. > >> > >> > >>The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the > >>kitchen > >>to find him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk. > >> > >> > >> With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed, " SO, THAT'S HOW YOU > >>LOAD THOSE THINGS....."

Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies. A nurse > comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while > they wait for the doctor. > > A few mnutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown and > begins to masturbate him. Shocked, he says: "My God, what are you > doing?" To which she replies: "We have to vacate the sperm from your > system to have a clean procedure." > > Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as she > completes her task. Tke second man watches all of this and, by the time > > the nurse turns to him, is quite ready for his turn. To his surprise, > she drops to her knees, open her lips and begins to fellate him. > > The first man says: "Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand > job and he gets a blow job?" > > The nurse says: "That sir, is the difference between an HMO and Blue > Cross.

Joan Lake Little Tommy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "Whatcha doing, Tommy?"

"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."

The neighbor was confused, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tommy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat."