We Open On: Dome

WE OPEN ON: DOME

JUDGE: These criminals, who have been brought before you… (pause) Non! Is without mercy as just as thought. His only means, to serve his master. (pause) Ursa! So cursed, even our very children are threatened. (pause, beat) Finally... General Zod. Once a trusted member of our court and life. (to Zod) Bastards!

VOICES: Guilty!

A light shines! The three criminals are sucked into a giant marshmallow. Their screams now sent UP into space!

ZOD: YOU WILL BOW DOWN BEFORE ME, JOR-EL!! YOU WILL BOW DOWN BEFORE ME!!!

URSA: Forgive me!

ZOD: Both you… and one DAY, Jor-El!!

NON: Moh. Moh. Moh. Moh.

ZOD: (long) JOR-EL??!!

We FLASH OUT!

SUPERMAN II

FADE ON: DAILY PLANET- 10:30 AM A moment’s wait, and a bird flies to a splattering death upon the revolving Planet Top.

INT. UPPER OFFICES

Clark walks in, pushing his glasses up.

CLARK: (waving to a gas passer) Hi!

No response as the gas passer walks into a desk, knocking upon a worker woman’s breast. She gasps, and slaps him to the ground. Clark walks up to Mr. White’s office door, when a second worker woman… passes by.

CLARK: (waving) Hi, Lana! Remember me?

Lana turns and gives Clark the finger. He puts his hand up with a smile, pushing his glasses up again…

CLARK: (cont.) Kay, then. Hehe!

Clark enters White’s office.

INT. WHITE’S OFFICE

Jimmy sits off a cactus plant chair.

JIMMY: Chief wants to see you, Clark!

WHITE: (sitting off his chair) I’m right here, Jimmy! Go make yourself useful and slam yer’ dick in the door.

JIMMY: (passing Clark who eyes him) Right, chief!

WHITE: Okay Clark, have you heard the news?

CLARK: (as Jimmy slams his dick in the door) Well, I don’t really…

WHITE: (interrupting) Don’t answer that! Here’s what’s up! (Jimmy slams twice, with a moan this time) Terrorists are threatening the Eiffel Tower.

JIMMY: In Paris!

WHITE: He knows where it is, Jimmy! SLAM IT!! JIMMY: (slammng thrice) OOOOOohohohhhooooo!!

WHITE: You do, don’t you Kent?

CLARK: Well, yes I do, Mr. White. (watching Jimmy butter his balls) That’s terrible!

WHITE: (Jimmy slams thrice) That’s why the call them… terrorists, Kent. (pause- digging through paper) Now, I’ve all ready sent Lois there… I want YOU to… (Clark is gone) What the FUCK?!!

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE

Clark runs out of the doors, accidentally kicking a blind man’s poodle dog across the street, breaking it’s back on a fire hydrant.

Clark DASHES into the alleyway, removing his glasses.

EXT. ALLEYWAY

Clark runs across a jizz puddle, RIPPING his coat and shirt open… revealing an all too familiar S logo on his chest!! The main theme… has begun again.

And now a blur covers what was once Clark… and is now SUPERMAN! FLYING high, and OUT of the alleyway!

CUT TO: PARIS, FRANCE EXT. EIFFEL TOWER

We pan down the structure. Police and frightened citizens scatter around. Lois Lane TEARS her underwear out of her pants and ass… and tosses past a cop who runs for them!

With the copper distracted, Lois runs up the stairwell, up to…

EXT. TIPPETY TOP

Two gay terrorists, with orange slices stuck in their ears, push off a hot French model.

GAY TERRORIST #1: Get moving!

MODEL: Please! I’ve been raped three times this week!! GAY TERRORIST #2: We’re not going to rape you, so CHUM UP! You’re being released!

The first terrorist shits his pants. The second pushes the model in the elevator, and slides down the insanely squeaky door. The first terrorist pulls a cock lever, and the elevator descends.

EXT. CLOUD STAIRWELL

Lois walks up a spiral of impossible stairs.

Now she LEAPS to the secondary elevator, as the first gets closer and closer to the ground. Lois watches it descend. She sighs, hanging there… now pulling herself up.

EXT. SKY WAY

Superman flies over the lands, now coming into view of the Eiffel Tower.

EXT. ELEVATOR TWO

Lois wedges into the bottom lines, pulling a karaoke machine out of her right sleeve, and a tape from her left. With the tape being put in the machine, she SNEEZES!

EXT. TIPPETY TOP

The two look down.

GAY TERRORIST #1: Did you hear that? I’m going to blow it!

GAY TERRORIST #2: It’s just yer’ nerves, again!

A blow later and the second gay terrorist SMACKS the first to the ground. A sudden beep!

GAY TERRORIST #1: (nervous) It’s started!

GAY TERRORIST #2: (raising hand) Moron-pansy!

The second gay terrorist SMACKS the first a second time, and DOWN he falls… with the bomb dropping into the other elevator. GAY TERRORIST #1: Mama-MIA!!

The latch unattaches, and the elevator starts descending rapidly! Lois SCREAMS from below!!

We pan below, where two coppers help the French model out. The karaoke machine LANDS atop her head, knocking her out! The tape breaks out, too.

EXT. SKY WAY

Superman, having not gotten any closer than the last time, soars FASTER to the falling elevator!

DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN!

EXT. ELEVATOR FALL

Lois’ face and ass cheeks jiggle! She stares down to her certain doom when, suddenly, the MAN OF STEEL flies under and up to her! Pushing upon the elevator and holding it steady.

Lois looks all around, then up to Superman.

SUPERMAN: (smiling) I believe this is your floor.

LOIS: (relieved) Oh, thank god!

Lois crawls to Superman, and he sets her down on the catwalk.

LOIS: (cont.) There’s a bomb!

SUPERMAN: I know.

Superman now PUSHES up on the elevator, and he flies with it, high into the air and EXPLODING out the top of the tower!!

The gay terrorists scream, holding onto each other as they DIVE fall in a couple turns and twists, before SPLATTERING on the street below!

EXT. SKY WAY

Superman pushes the elevator out into space… EXT. SPACE

He lets loose, and roundhouse kicks it further out. Now it EXPLODES! A shockwave in all directions, and Superman is pushed back to Earth.

SUPERMAN: (flying backwards- arms pin wheeling) Whoa! Whoa! WHOA! WHOA!

The shockwaves continue… and now upon the marshmallow. Melting it off. The three super-villains are freed. They look all around, and then eye something in the distance.

ZOD: There!

Zod leads Ursa and Non to Earth’s moon.

CUT TO: EARTH’S MOON EXT. ASTRONAUT BASE

An astronaut shoves a chocolate bar up his ass, hidden inside the spaceship. We pan across to another astronaut hopping around, and chasing a couple evading moon flies.

INT. SPACESHIP

The first astronaut pulls the bar out of his ass.

COMMANDER: (intercom) What do you see, man?

ASTRONAUT #1: (at the sight of Ursa landing) Eh, some bitch. Over and out, sum bitch.

EXT. ASTRONAUT BASE

The second astronaut tries to chase down the moon flies, but they’re far too fast for his slow ass. Now he turns to Ursa.

ASTRONAUT #2: What on, MOON?!

URSA: What kind of creature, are you?

ASTRONAUT #2: Uuh… human?

Ursa RIPS the astronaut’s crotch pouch off! He chokes and bloats! Now POPPING upon Ursa who turns to a small mountain.

EXT. MOON PIE HOLE

A third astronaut break dances, as the evading moon flies pass by. Zod lands behind him. This astronaut turns just in time to get neck clutched.

ZOD: What are you doing?

ASTRONAUT #3: Uuuh… break dancing.

He looks Zod over in confusion.

ZOD: Where do you come from?

ASTRONAUT #3: Houston, (sneezing) Texas!

The third astronaut tries to break free of Zod’s grasp, but Zod not one to let go, holds tightly… and the man RIPS free… bloating, then popping just as the other.

EXT. ASTRONAUT BASE

We pan to the spaceship. The first astronaut watches Zod glide over the mountain top to Ursa, who is all ready making her way towards him.

ASTRONAUT #1: (to communicator) May day! Ara-gay! Pee-chay! Aliens on the moon! I’ve got to get up! Do you read me?!

We cut to behind where Non takes hold, and LIFTS the ship up.

ASTRONAUT #1: (cont.) No! Commander?! COMMANDERrr?!

We hold on Zod and Ursa as Non starts smashing the spaceship. They don’t even flinch.

FLASH TO- Earth

Non drops the mess, and flies slowly with Ursa, as Zod leads them closer to the planet.

ZOD: There! To planet Houston, Sexist!

A dramatic pause. CUT TO: PRISON- Later That Night

Lex Luthor walks away from Otis who’s being eaten alive by xenomorphs. Lex jumps upon a ladder and escapes as the sirens go off.

LEX: Ahaahaahaahaahaaa!!! (his leg tangles in the barb wire) OH! AAH!!

CUT TO: SNOW LANDS, The Next Noon

The balloon drops down to a sled. Miss Cuntbarker hops onto the controls, and Lex stands behind her.

LEX: (unzipping pants) North, Ms. Cuntbarker! North!

FLASH TO- Up Snow Hill

Luthor skull fucks Cuntbarker up the hill.

LEX: Hurry! Superman’s fortress is just beyond!

CUT TO: FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE

The sled pulls in. Lex gets off and Cuntbarker follows.

LEX: Amazing, isn’t it?

CUNTBARKER: I ‘spose.

LEX: (walking up to an ice block) Imagine the fiendish plot one could devise. Imagine me, our greatest criminal mind, and what I could find? (digging in ice block) What WILL… I find??

Lex pulls out a baboon ass cheek with cherries on top. He looks on in disgust, and Cuntbarker licks her lips.

LEX: I was thinking, what if someone else from Krypton survived? How many more could have? And what about THEIR criminals? Huh?!

A light shines from the cherries and MOTHER-EL is shown ahead as a hologram.

MOTHER-EL: They’re out there. Zod, Ursa and Non. Stuck in hell.

LEX: (to Cuntbarker) I asked the right question. (pause- as the hologram fades away) But imagine it, three super villains. Each one… dedicated to destroying all that is good. Each one… with the same powers as he has. Each one…

Cuntbarker drops dead, and Lex turns to it.

CUT TO: NIAGRA FALLS

We pan over the falls, to a group of many. Folks walking every which way, and a kid balancing on the rail like a daredevil.

Cutting to Clark and Lois now, looking out to the falls.

CLARK: Isn’t this great, Lois? (no answer) I mean, come on, here we are at one of nature’s most awesome testicles… and you’re not even excited?

LOIS: Well Clark, once you’ve seen Superman in action… Niagra Falls kind of sucks a dick.

Clark looks to the kid, who’s about to lose his balance!

CLARK: (running over) Son! Be careful!!

The boy’s mother and father run over, the mother taking him by the scruff of his necks.

MOTHER: (to her son) You son of a bitch!

FATHER: (to Clark) Leave my boy alone, fuck meat!

Clark backs up to Lois, pushing his glasses up. A nervous chuckle. Clark is wiping away some spit.

LOIS: (taking glasses) Here, let me help you.

CLARK: (resisting, but failing) No thanks, I… (Lois cleans the glasses and gives them back- glancing at Clark again) Thank you.

Lois hums.

LOIS: So… here we are as newly weds, right? All for Mr. White who wants a little alone time with his pet children. Can you believe it?!

CLARK: Well, sure… I guess.

LOIS: I’m hungry. (pausing) Hot dog?

CLARK: (walking over to the hot dog vendor) Hot dog.

Lois eyes Clark pushing a bit of red cape in his pants.

LOIS: Hey! Wait a second! (thinking- Clark turns around) Orange Juice, too!

Clark turns back to the vendor, pointing at the menu. Lois turns to the boy all alone, and his parents making out in front of an oblivious crowd. Lois scratches her chin, now looking back to Clark.

LOIS: (cont.- to herself) Hmmm, maybe? Maybe not.

Lois creeps over to the boy, and picks him up. She THROWS him over the side then gasps!

LOIS: (conc.- calling out) Oh my god! HELP!! (kicking at the whiny boy’s side clenching fists) HELP!! (the boy screams) Somebody help!!

Over to Clark who runs around the corner. The mother and father run over, putting their clothes back on. They both fall over the side in the rush, over the rocky wall to their deaths. Now the boy loses his grasp and screams!

Suddenly… SUPERMAN comes flying down to him. The crowd covers over, slamming Lois against it… and injuring her vagina in the process.

-VOICE-: It’s Superman!

-VOICE2-: (Supes taking hold of the boy) Wow! Look at that!

-VOICE3-: (Supes flying back up) Of course he’s Jewish!

Superman lands, setting the boy down.

LOIS: Supes! It’s me!! (Superman flies off) Lois! (watching him fly out of sight) Well, it’s not like you didn’t have the time. And where’s… Clark? Clark is, not around as, USUAL. Hmmmmmm. Hmm, hmmmmm. Hmmm. (pause- she turns all around) Hmmmmmm. (a fart) Hmm?

We cut over to the vendor as Clark comes around the corner. With a snap of his fingers, he runs back and grabs the two hot dogs he didn’t pay for.

VENDOR: (angered) Hey!!!

CLARK: (walking up to Lois) Here are your hot dogs.

LOIS: Where were you?

CLARK: Getting off on hot dogs. (Lois taking the hot dogs that bark) Getting… hot dogs.

LOIS: Superman was here. Saved some crybitch.

CLARK: Just now? (looking up) Wow, golly. He was really here?

LOIS: And you REALLY weren’t. (pause- walking away) What do you have to say about that?

CLARK: (snapping- turning) Oh, darn! Forgot the orange juice.

LOIS: Clark!

CLARK: (turning with a glare- shaking head) No orange juice?

FLASH TO- Other Corner

LOIS: (walking to the rail) You know, your disguise is almost perfect. I mean, it fooled me. And I am nobody’s fool.

CLARK: (pushing glasses up) Of course not, Lois. You’re just high. You’re just overreacting. Hehe. You almost had ME fooled for a minute. (walking away) Hehe, for a minute. I’ll meet you back at the hotel.

LOIS: What’s your hurry, Superman?

Clark trips, hits the ground, and rolls off into a fire pit. He then jumps back out, dusting himself off with a couple swipes of the hand.

Now he sighs, correcting his slouching posture, and taking his glasses off. A grin from him, and Lois grins in return as well… too.

SUPERMAN: Guess we should talk.

LOIS: (pausing) I’m in love with you.

SUPERMAN: (laughing) Then… we really need to talk.

Lois walks up to him.

LOIS: Maybe I should change first. Maybe… (rubbing his chest) You should change, too.

CUT TO: SKY WAY

Superman, in costume once again, flies with Lois over the dry lands.

PINK FLOYD: All that you touch All that you see All that you taste All you feel.

The lovers stare deep in each other’s eyes and smile.

PINK FLOYD: All that you love All that you hate

A humming bird starts pecking in through Lois’ left temple.

PINK FLOYD: All you distrust All you save.

They head into the snow lands.

CUT TO: HOUSTON, TEXAS EXT. POND

Non and Ursa land on the ground. Zod lands atop the water.

ZOD: (in knee high water) So this is Houston, Sexist? (scooping shit infested water) Such a strange surface. Zod elevates himself, in that his feet are just above the water. He walks across the surface. A spy hidden in the trees, watches in amazement.

SPY: Wow… (falling atop boulder to his death) OP!!

FLASH TO: DUST CITY

The three super villains walk up to a couple rows of tall buildings made of wood.

ZOD: A perfect planet to rule… but we must first find their leader.

Ursa points out a bible group coming their way, with pictures just taken… of Zod walking on water.

URSA: (pointing) Look how bold they are. Like they’ve nothing to fear.

ZOD: Blow them a kiss, my dear.

Ursa blows, and a wind sweeps the group of eight of their feet. They scatter off. Non turns to sniff at an approaching old man. This old man sniffs Zod’s ass, and Zod turns as Non growls at him.

OLD MAN: (to Zod) You’re not Jesus!

Zod points his finger at the man, and a beam SHOOTS out at his old crotch. The man is LIFTED high in the air, holding his hurting groin.

OLD MAN: AAGHONY!! Stop it!

A little boy runs up, tugging at Zod’s clothes.

BOY: Please! Let my daddy go! Ple-hee-heease!!

Non SMACKS the boy away, knocking his head clean off… and the corpse landing into a pig pen where a big pig lies up out of his filth and proceeds to gnaw on it.

Zod, although extremely late, obliges and the father is let go… to a fall that breaks nearly every bone in his body.

CUT TO: FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE Superman lands, setting Lois down.

LOIS: You live here? (Supes nods) Cool.

Superman opens his mail box, pulling out a set of letters, and they walk over to a set of ice steps, stepping up. Superman stops at the sight of Cuntbarker’s bones.

SUPERMAN: (scratching his ass) Hmmm, I don’t remember that. (looking down at footprints labeled L. Luthor) Or that, though the name sounds familiar.

Opening a jar of ‘Superman Peanut Butter’… he belches. Now digging in with his fingers and shoving a glob in his mouth.

SUPERMAN: (holding jar out) Want some?

LOIS: (molesting stalagmite) No thanks.

SUPERMAN: Well, I’d like to make you some Batman cereal, if that’s what you want for dinner. Then we’ll talk. (setting letters down) Oh! You like dead or slime whine?

LOIS: (pretty eyes) Both.

Superman holds a bottle, and the cork pops off the top followed by an explosion of both dead and slime wine. Lois looks around in awe. Superman steps up and turns the stalagmite down. Mother-El appears. Lois is startled.

FLASH TO-

Superman passed out. Lois fingers the inside of her wine glass. Superman now stands up with a dazed look in his eyes.

SUPERMAN: (to Lois) I know what I have to do. (to Mother- El) Mother-El?

MOTHER-EL: (a hologram appearing) Yes, Kal-El, what is it?

SUPERMAN: I want to marry some Earth chick. You okay with that?

MOTHER-EL: Oh sure, not a problem.

Lois smiles and Superman smiles back, adjusting his crotch. MOTHER-EL: But… (Supes and Lois look) I’ll have to order you into… (self-rising chamber) This molecule chamber. If you wish to live with a mortal… you must live as a mortal.

SUPERMAN: Ooh, okay!

Lois’ mouth drops. Superman walks into the chamber and it locks behind him. Mother-El disappears. Superman is shocked back into his alter-ego without glasses. He steps out, putting his arms up.

CLARK: (to Lois) Well?

LOIS: You gave it all up for me? Just like that? (Clark nods) Pfft, what good are you without your powers??

Clark drops his pants. Lois stares, eyes widened.

LOIS: (cont.) On second thought, let’s go out to eat.

CUT TO: THE WHITE HOUSE INT. OVAL OFFICE

The President cowers back to a MOHING sound.

PRESIDENT: What the hell is that?!

The guards stand ready, pulling out their handguns.

Now, the three SUPER VILLAINS break through the roof! Gunshots galore! Zod punches a guard in the throat, and he falls… dead. One guard runs up to Ursa with a tennis racket, and has his stomach kicked in! Non is now seen TOSSING a third guard out the window.

More gunshots, to the last three guards. Two red beams BLAST out of Zod’s eyes, BLOWING one of the three guard’s stomachs open. Baby mice spill out and scatter off.

Ursa and Non stand in the middle, with their arms crossed. The two remaining guards cower over the President, as Zod stands between his chums. He looks down to an ugly parrot portrait for a moment.

ZOD: (looking up- to the President) I see you are practiced in worshiping things that fly. How appropriate. The President moves out from behind the desk, with an erection.

PRESIDENT: What do you want?

URSA: (Non growling) This planet.

ZOD: And now… you kneel and pledge your life and command to me.

PRESIDENT: I will do this, only if it will save lives.

ZOD: It will. (pause) Starting with your own.

The President kneels into a shit cake.

PRESIDENT: Okay, but there is one man who will never kneel.

ZOD: Really? Who? (beat) Where is he?

PRESIDENT: I don’t know. (coughing- rubbing crotch) Oh God…

ZOD: (correcting) Zod.

CUT TO: ROAD SIDE

A car drives by.

CLARK: (v/o) You’re awfully quiet over there. Something wrong?

LOIS: (v/o) No.

CLARK: (v/o) Can you remember how we even got this car?

LOIS: (v/o) No.

CLARK: (v/o) My eyes hurt. Honey, can you hand me those glasses?

LOIS: (v/o) No.

CLARK: (v/o) Why do you smell like ass all of a sudden?

FLASH TO- Metropolis Street, Night INT. THE CAR They pull up to a diner.

INT. DINER

Lois walks in with Clark. They hold hands and head to the back. Lois has a seat and Clark stands in the corner.

COOK: What can I get you guys?

LOIS: (to the cook) I’ll have a cheeseburger and a Cherry Coke.

CLARK: (pushing glasses up) Uuh, I’ll order when I get back.

Clark heads into the bathroom, just when a fat bastard sits down next to Lois.

LOIS: (to the bastard) Pardon me, but that’s my boyfriend’s seat.

BASTARD: Not any more, sugar.

Clark walks out with his pants down.

CLARK: Excuse me, but I believe your sitting in my seat.

BASTARD: (squeezing Lois’ right breast) Your seat’s in their four eyes.

Clark walks between the bastard and Lois, staring him down.

CLARK: (the bastard farts) Excuse you sir, would you like to step outside?

BASTARD: (annoyed- farting again) What did you say to me?

CLARK: I said, excuse you sir… would you like to step outside?!

The bastard ELBOWS Clark in the stomach, then takes him by a loch of his hair. Clark is then PUNCHED across the face, and he falls back through an ill-placed window panel.

LOIS: Clark!! (jumping on the bastard) You asshole!!

The bastard pushes back, and Lois is forced to sit on the frying stove. She SCREAMS, holding her ass and the bastard turns back, raising his fist. The cook grabs Lois’ breasts… holding her back.

COOK: Take it easy, man! She’s just high!

LOIS: I am not! WHY does everybody think I’m HIGH?

COOK: (to the bastard again) Yer’ steak is cummin’ right up!

BASTARD: I don’t like your meat anyway.

The bastard walks out.

Lois sits off the frying pan as we cut over to Clark… on the ground bleeding, surrounded by glass shards.

CLARK: (weak) Oh God… ohoo God. Ohhh!

Lois helps him up.

LOIS: (concerned and worried, and then just concerned) Come on, get up!

She helps him up. He’s seated. We cut over to the Television set.

ON TV-

The President is seated at his desk, with a speech prepared.

PRESIDENT: (to the screen) And if we don’t comply… they will destroy every major city each day until we… SUPERMAN!!! SUPERMAN, CAN YOU HEAR ME! SUPERMAN!!

Zod shoves the President away.

ZOD: Who is this SUPERMAN?! Is their no one on this planet, to even CHALLENGE ME?! RAH ROAR RAH!! I’M GONNA’ EAT your FUCKING HEART, SUPE…

The cook turns the TV off.

CLARK: (quietly- to Lois) I have to go back.

LOIS: You can’t! CLARK: I HAVE to.

Clark starts walking out. He stops at everyone… who’s staring at him. He looks around.

Clark steps up to the door, opens it, and walks out.

BASTARD: I don’t like your meat anyway. (RRW) I don’t like your meat anyway.

Lois looks out the window at the approaching snow storm. She sighs.

CUT TO: THE WHITE HOUSE INT. OVAL OFFICE

Ursa and Non whip the President, who’s been tied by the wrists on the wall. He’s clearly in agony.

ZOD: (seated at the desk) I’ve been ruler for nearly a day, and all ready I’m bored.

Suddenly Lex Luthor walks in.

LEX: Greeeetinggssss!!

Non turns and growls. Ursa still whips at the President, who’s only now starting to enjoy it.

LEX: (cont.) The name’s Lex Luthor. I come in peace.

ZOD: (sitting up) What do you want?

LEX: I have a deal for you.

ZOD: What could you possibly have that I want? LEX: (clapping once) Ah hah, now we’re cooking.

The top of Non’s head starts to boil an egg, over easy. Zod approaches Lex, and Lex steps back, waving a flag.

LEX: Superman’s address??

ZOD: (pause) Intriguing.

URSA: (walking ahead) I think the question is… what is it that YOU want?

LEX: Australia!

Zod’s eyes thin. Non pours some orange juice in a glass to go with his eggs… and bacon that’s streaming out from both holes below. Ugh!

ZOD: (shaking Luthor’s hand) So be it.

CUT TO: SNOW ROAD

Clark Kent walks onward. Through this cold blizzard. Suddenly a diesel is seen driving up behind him. Clark turns to it, now trying to wave it down.

CLARK: (waving) Hey, come on! I need a ride, please! Come on! (it passes him by) Aauuh!

The sudden wind that follows knocks Clark off his stance, and into the snow. He lies bleeding again.

CLARK: (cont.- weak) Oh God… (pause- coughing) Ohh God!

CUT TO: FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE

Clark walks in. He looks around. He steps along, and then turns to a stalagmite stick. It glows.

He walks over to it, picking it up. Now he sticks it up his ass.

CUT TO: DAILY PLANET, 11:50 PM

The three super villains fly, with Ursa carrying Lex Luthor on her back. They head to the big window. INT. UPPER OFFICES

A CRASH! They enter, and Lex is rolling into a corner on the floor. The workers scream, and Lois Lane sits up in White’s office with Jimmy and Mr. White himself. They seem reasonably frightened.

Non kicks a male worker in the ass, sending him soaring across the way. Zod PALMS another male worker in the throat, and he backs up choking up chum. Lex is getting up, dusting himself off.

Ursa kicks a third male worker, square in the forehead… and he stumbles back onto a female worker. The two are tangled together like dough.

We now see Non SMASH a desk in half with one drop of his right arm. A rabbit man’s head is split open! Ursa laughs and the three approach White’s office.

LEX: (to himself) When will these fucks learn to handle with care?

White cowers down as Non breaks the window wall out. Zod and Ursa soar off the ground, and inside. Non follows, walking past the mess, and Lex enters through the door.

LEX: (pointing at Lois) There she is! She’s with him.

URSA: (approaching- staring at Lois) What an undemanding man this Superman must be.

LOIS: (snapping back) You could use a wax job, yourself… sister!

Ursa BITCHSLAPS Lois to the ground.

WHITE: Hey, what the hell?!

A red laser beam SHOOTS out of Non’s mouth, RIPPING White’s head apart. Lois whines and Jimmy goes for Ursa, who’s going back to Lois.

JIMMY: (to Ursa) Hey! Leave her alone! (Ursa smacking him away) OH-OOF! Jimmy lands in Zod’s hands, and Zod snaps his neck. Jimmy falls dead.

LEX: Uuuh, kay.

URSA: (holding Lois off the ground with one arm, and grasp around neck) Okay sister, whatever that means, where is he?

ZOD: (to Lex) Where is he?

LEX: He’ll be here! You just hold onto that bitch, and he’ll be here. You see they have this relationship and…

EXT. SKY WAY

Superman flies to his theme… up to the Daily Planet!

LEX: (cont.) And so that’s how I pissed on your dog’s grave. You see I’ve got this relationship with your mother…

ZOD: WHY would you say this to me? When you know I will KILL you for it?

Superman appears at the window, and he’s folding his arms with a glare in his eyes.

LOIS: Superman!

SUPERMAN: General? Care to outside?

LEX: (rubbing jazzing porehead) Superman! Thank God!

Ursa and Non fly off through the big window, chasing Superman into a speedy flight.

ZOD: (yelling and arming) Come back, you son of a whore! KNEEL before… ZOD!!!

Zod flies off! We hold on Lois crying before Mr. White and Jimmy.

LEX: (drinking from Otis’ skull) Never thought this thing would go the distance. CUT TO: SKY OVER METROPOLIS, Midnight

Superman flies overhead. We hold on him, cutting closer, and he looks all around. Non is coming at him, showing his teeth.

URSA: (coming right for him) Superman!

Superman turns, and Ursa PUNCHES him in the jaw! Supes flies back and Non takes hold! He starts crushing him.

NON: Moh! Moh!

SUPERMAN: (being crushed) AAAuuggghh!! Ahh!

Ursa comes by, readying another punch, but Superman SLIPS out of the grasp… and Ursa PUNCHES Non clear across the way! Now Ursa turns to Superman flying underneath her. He rises up and KICKS her in the jaw. She soars along, flipping around and around!

Non BREAKS through a striptease billboard, and Ursa CRASHES through a building’s window!

We pan over to ZOD, who looks over them from the Daily Planet ball top. Now he starts firing with his laser vision… down at the street!

Superman soars down as a car explodes!

EXT. DOWN STREET

More lasers from Zod’s vision, as Superman flies a woman away from the fire. Up above, we see Ursa flying to Zod. Now Superman blows out the fire with his super-breath. Another car explodes!!

Now Superman turns to a diesel getting heated up from Zod’s vision. Superman glides to it, tearing off a mirror, and placing it into the lasers. It reflects!

EXT. PLANET TOP

The lasers blast upon Zod! He cowers down with a scream!

URSA: (to steaming Zod) He actually cares for these people! Ursa turns to Non flying down to the street. We hold on her and then a whack sound and a MOHING later…

URSA: (cont.) He’s fisting Non!!

Ursa flies down to help him as Zod stands up, wobbling, recovering.

EXT. DOWN STREET

Non swings and misses. Superman PUNCHES him square in the nose, and Non soars back, knocking over a light post. Ursa flies down, kicking up a nose miner.

SUPERMAN: (turning his back) Now to turn my back.

URSA: Superman…

Superman turns back around, and she throws the miner at him! Superman is knocked across the street into and through a computer display window. He grunts, knocking over a monitor, knocking the miner out.

Zod lands. Superman soars over just as fast, and takes him by the left arm and leg. Zod is scared and confused… now being SPUN around!

LOIS: (calling down from above) Way to go Superman!!!

Lois starts falling out of the broken window wall, when Superman TOSSES Zod that direction! Zod KNOCKS Lois back in, and then RICHOTETS off the corner… spinning into a Coca~Cola sign! He’s electrocuted!

Superman soars over, and onto a ledge. Zod gets up and BREAKS off a fat ass man.

ZOD: DIE as you DESERVE to!

Zod THROWS the fat ass, and Superman FIRES his heat vision, BLOWING the man up, and Supes turns his head, squinting his eyes and grinding his teeth. Superman now SOARS down out of the way of Zod coming at him, into a barbecue pit.

Superman lands… going for a clean-tights-vending-machine. Non gets up and walks up to his chum. Ursa turns to a bus coming to a SCREETCHING stop. People stare from the sidewalks.

URSA: (to Non- taking hold of one corner) Here! Take the end of this!

Non takes the other end, as Superman’s eyes grow wide.

SUPERMAN: (about to laugh) No! DON’T DO IT!! Those people!

Ursa and Non THROW it at Superman as the insiders scream! Superman holds his stance, and is HIT by the front of the bus! He slides back trying to keep it from a hard crash. Superman is LAID up against a Lego display window. Glass breaking sounds people to the approach.

WOMAN: They killed Superman!

MAN: Superman’s DEAD!!

ZOD: (landing with an afro and charred face- to Non and Ursa) Time… to blow!

The three super villains start blowing! A mighty wind and a man on skates starts skating back against it.

SKATER MAN: Whoa! Whoa! WHOA! WHOA!

A man in a phone booth…

MAN IN BOOTH: I have to call you back mom, there’s… what?! WHAT?!

The booth tips over from the wind, and the man is pushed out and to the ground. The booth BREAKS off and SMASHES against a woman turning from a blow job.

PROSTITUTE: What on EARTH?!

More glass breaking. The three super villains continue blowing.

MAN FROM BOOTH: (talking into broken phone) What was that? Huh?! (laughing) Oh… yeah!! Haha!!

Superman starts climbing atop the bus. His cape waving off a crying child who now SPLATTERS against a building side. He walks across the bus in the wind, squinty eyed. A small pick-up truck topples over the booth man, and SLAMS into a gate, before snapping it off completely. Another car spins out of control at a high speed… as if a dradle. Five citizens are knocked every which way like bowling pins.

Now Superman bends down, shaking his head. He FLIES OFF! The three super villains stop blowing. Zod watches Superman fly out of sight.

ZOD: So… he’s a coward after all. (he hugs Non, patting him on the back) Good show. (shaking Ursa’s sticky right hand) We’ve done it.

CUT TO: DAILY PLANET INT. UPPER OFFICES

The trio of villains fly in.

ZOD: Your hero has fled! Now we will finish the rest of you off. (referring to Lex) Starting with him.

Non starts to man handle Luthor.

LEX: Now wait a minute! Don’t you remember offering me my share, for helping you out and… Australia? Remember?!

URSA: Enough!

LEX: Superman’s address…?

FLASH TO- Snow Lands

The three villains fly. With Lois hanging on Non, and Luthor sticking it to Ursa.

LEX: Now this isn’t so bad!

URSA: (whispering) Silence! (Zod turning around) He can hear us! CUT TO: FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE

The trio of villains fly in. Ursa soars by, tipping Luthor off onto the icy ground. A far shot of him shaking his arm.

LEX: Have you no decency?!

The ice below him breaks, and he fall under with a scream of panic.

Zod and Non soar onto a platform, and Lois gets to her feet.

ZOD: Feels like home. (looking around- unzipping hit pantalooms) Lets shit everywhere, you know? Send him a little message!

SUPERMAN: (standing- arms crossed) I expect… better manners from my guests, Zod.

Non soars, roaring, to which Superman throws a jello S logo at him! Non falls on his ass in the filth.

NON: Moh?

Ursa takes hold of Lois. Around the neck, and fingering her holes. Zod LEAPS at Superman, then Superman disappears and Zod BUSTS his chops on the ice wall!

Superman reappears next to Non, who’s just getting up. And Supes KICKS Non in the ass… sending him soaring over to Zod, who turns to catch his partner… and now the two smack down again! Ursa looks all around, squeezing tighter around Lois.

Lex is getting out of the ice pool. Superman glides over to him.

ZOD: (to Superman) Okay asshole… you wanna’ play?

URSA: Swear your tights to Zod, or I’ll eat your girl alive!

SUPERMAN: (whispering to Lex) Try to get them into that molecule chamber.

LEX: Huh?

SUPERMAN: It takes away their powers, see? LEX: (Zod stepping forth) Don’t go in there General, it’s a trap!

SUPERMAN: Luthor, you POISONOUS FUCK!!

Non reaches for the chamber door, then falls over into an ice pond, MOHING to his freezing death.

ZOD: (ignoring Non’s screams) You’ve done well, Lex Luthor… ruler of Australia.

Zod lifts a finger, and ZAPS at Superman, pulling him over by the crotch, to the chamber. Ursa smiles, and Lois begins to cry.

Superman is now locked in the chamber.

ZOD: Now Lex… activate the machine.

LEX: I don’t know how to… (his ass being zapped) OWW!

Superman blinks, and the room goes red.

LEX: (cont.) Did I do that? (shitting out his ears) AAAuuughh!!

Zod and Ursa look around. Non’s skeleton tries to climb out of the pond, then is SUCKED back down by a Blue Whale.

The red lights fade away. Superman comes out of the chamber slowly.

ZOD: Now… (putting hand out) Come! (Superman flies over) Take my hand… (Supes obeys) Stick it in your tights… just kidding! And SWEAR your soul… to ZOD!!

Superman sighs. He starts squeezing, and Zod GASPS! Zod’s hand is CRUSHED! Superman LIFTS up on Zod and smiles, nodding. Ursa watches in awe, and with perky tits, no doubt. Now Superman shoves Zod to the other end, and he SHATTERS to ice against the wall.

Lois turns around, twisting Ursa’s arm.

LOIS: You know something… you’re a real PAIN in the ASS! Lois punches Ursa in the head, and she turns to dust. Now she runs over to Superman, hugging and kissing him on the cheek.

LEX: (smiling) That was amazing! It worked!

SUPERMAN: Too late, Luthor. TOO, late.

LEX: Are you kidding? That worked PERFECTLY!!

Superman’s eyes light up and Lex is blown apart. Covering the fortress in quite the mess. Now Superman picks Lois up… and he flies her away.

LOIS: I’m not cleaning this up.

SUPERMAN: Yes you are, bitch. I fight, you clean… so SHUT UP cunt, ‘cause I’m SUPERMAN!

CUT TO: METROPOLIS

Superman soars by Lois’ apartment building, setting her down. Now he flies off, waving with a smile as she gives him the middle finger.

FLASH TO- Metropolis Street

Superman changes back to Clark Kent in a phone booth.

INT. DINER

The bastard scarfs down his new born baby boy, with tartar sauce. Clark Kent walks in.

CLARK: Gee, that’s funny… I’ve never seen a Peabody eat a Peaboy before. (the bastard turns) Excuse me sir, I think you’re sitting in my favorite seat.

BASTARD: Come and get it, four eyes.

Clark pushes his glasses up, walking ahead.

COOK: Now listen Bastard, I don’t need the mess! So take it easy, or take it outside!

Bastard smiles, shoving the cook back onto the stove. Clark walks up to the bastard, who’s just getting up. And he SHOVES his fist into Clark’s stomach, then pulls back with a moan. Clark sets him back on the stool and then SPINS him around, before SLAMMING him on the counter.

CLARK: This one’s to go.

He SNEEZES on the bastard, sending him back onto an eighty- year old prostitute. A CRASH! The cook turns to Kent, who’s handing him a wad of toilet paper.

CLARK: (cont.) I’m terribly sorry about the damages. (the cook taking the paper) Oh, I’ve been, uuh… (raising the roof) beating up on pre-schoolers.

Clark walks out as the MAIN THEME begins!

FLASH TO- Over Washington D.C.

Superman flies over with the American flag attached to a rooftop.

DUN DUN DUN DUN DUNNN… DUN DUN DUNNN…

Superman sets it down on the White House.

DUN DUN DUN DUN DUNNN… DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUNNN!!!

SUPERMAN: Good afternoon, Mr. President. Sorry I’ve been away for so long. (pause) I won’t let you down again.

He smiles, and the President hits the Presidential bong.

CUT TO: EARTH LOOK

The sun rises over this side. We see Superman turn over and fly towards it, away from us.

Another cut of him looking all around. He now looks at us... smiling... just before flying past our view.

The End