Once Upon A Time.

Once upon a time in a vast green valley, there lived a potato named Ralph. He was one of many siblings and thought himself quite ugly. He wasn't quite ripe and mostly green and had way too many eyes. Half the time he didn't know which way was up. Such was his vision, if you can imagine. His Mother was the only one to show him any love or appreciation at all.

His brothers and sisters often teased him about his appearance and general personality. How could he though be happy though ,when his life was so miserable? It was all too easy for Ralph to believe what others said about him. He heard it so often and from so many. [previous 3 sentences a bit “telly”] Every day Ralph would climb a humungous corn stalk to look over the valley at the giant hulking castle far off in the distance. It must have been a half-million miles away and still its shadow cast itself upon the earth below the corn stalk where Ralph was now clinging. [reduce previous sentences to half length; can be said in fewer words]

"I bet if I could get into that castle and steal something to bring back to my lousy brothers and sisters they'd like me." "I just bet!" Ralph decided to consult with his friend Myles the carrot so he could figure out a way to get there. [readers can follow from his dialogue]

"Are you off your nut?" Asked Myles encredulously. "First, how do you expect to get all the way there?" "And then, how're you gonna get in?" "And what happens if the ginormous people who live there decide to make you a part of their dinner?"

"I've thought of all that." Replied Ralph resolutely. "I need to do this." "I just have to." "Whatever happens happens." [avoid using adverbs to “tell” what you’ve ably “shown” by writing good dialogue Stacey; trust it more]

There was nothing Myles could say that would change Ralph's mind,. so he helped him sneak out that night. No easy task, considering how many potatoes happened to live at Ralph's house. And so So, Ralph set off in search of adventure. The valley was a myriad of strange noises in the dark. Ralph had never paid attention to the screeches of owls or the whispering of the wind. He had never ventured out at night before. Ahead, there was a steady, pounding beat. Ralph could barely make out a flashing neon sign in the distance. Who was he kidding? He couldn't read a sign dead-ahead of him if his life depended on it. "Darn all these eyes!" He lamented to himself.

"Hiya sweetheart." "Where ya head'n?" A decidedly female voice purred from just behind Ralph. He jumped, tripped, and fell flat on his face. "Wha, wha, wha do you want?" Ralph stammered. A red pepper stood there. She was the most beautiful creature Ralph had ever laid all his eyes on. She was a deep, vivid red. Her eyes sparkled blue like the summer sky and her lashes were so long they caused a breeze when she blinked. Even so, Ralph still worried that she might want to rob him.

"I don't have any money lady." Ralph said matter-of-factly. The pepper smiled and offered him a slender, gloved hand up and out of the dirt.

"Aww honey, I don't want your money." "I was just wondering what a young spud like you was doing way out in this part of the valley at night." "Does your Mama know you're out and about?" Ralph was ,awed by her presence, and all he could only muster was a gurgling noise at the back of his throat.

"Ok love, you follow me and we'll get you a nice cup of cocoa, a snug place to sleep and you can tell ole Ffayth all your troubles in your own time."

Ralph allowed himself to be led forward. Something about Fayth's manner lent a feeling of security and comfort. Nearer and nearer they came until at last they stood before the neon sign Ralph had seen some distance back. Loud music blasted out of the open doors. Ralph could feel it vibrating through his body. He focused all his energy into on reading that sign. He closed twelve of his eyes, leaving two to do the work. The bright flashing letters finally crystalizedcrystallized in Ralph's eyes.

"The Purple Fizz!" Ralph exclaimed proudly.

"Yes, that’s what it says hon." "By the way Spud, you got a name?"

"Oh sorry," Ralph muttered. "My name is Ralph."

"Ok kiddo, lets get you that cocoa and you can tell me your story."

They walked through the door of the Purple Fizz and met with complete, absolute, and utter silence. No music, no people, no nothing. Empty bar stools, tables and dance floor. Not understanding and totally shocked Ralph collapsed where he stood. His last thoughts before losing consciousness were of his friend Myles' words... "What if the ginormous people who live there decide to make you part of thiertheir dinner?" Darkness after that, somehow sleep and strange dreams.

Ralph was walking through his very own nieghborhood neighborhood in the corn field. There were signs everywhere. He was trying very hard to read the words but all he could make out were the drawings. They were all pictures of him. The artwork was familiar. He realized it was his brothers and sisters handiwork. Ralph felt something small and light land on his shoulder and a friendly voice began reading into his ear. [try combining a sentence or two in above paragraph; reads a bit choppily]

"Please call if you've seen our brother,." tThe sign read. "He is not quite ripe and mostly green and has way too many eyes but we love him to the castle and back and we want him home."

"Theres a number at the bottom," the little voice in Ralph's ear intoned. "You want me to read it for you?"

A joyous feeling was creeping into Ralph's heart. He gently took the little spider off his shoulder and set him down on a nearby leaf.

"I think I'll try to read it for myself." Ralph closed twelve of his eyes, leaving two to do the work. 555-5555 was the phone number. A huge pain began in Ralph's head and the earth seemed to spin. Voices, many voices, all vague and indistinct at first reached him on some subconscious level.

He slowly opened his eyes and found himself at the bottom of a huge corn stalk. He sat up and groaned as the pain reasserted itself into his head. All his brothers and sisters were there. Some of them were crying. All were telling him much they loved him and how sorry they were to have ever called him names or treated him badly.

A beautiful red pepper wearing a white coat stood comforting Ralph's mother. She came closer and put a stethoscope to his chest.

"I think you're gonna be just fine sweetie," she purred. "If I were you though, I'd stay off those corn stalks." "They can be dangerous y'know?"

[so it’s all a dream? I felt a bit let down by the ending, but maybe I’m being dense! Looking forward to next revision. Try the 10 to 20% reduction idea from Stephen King to tighten things up. Also, where possible, leave the dialogue to speak for itself (although using “muttered” is fine, for example).]