CHAPTER 5 CONFLICT AND CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Chapter Outline

Couple Strengths and Issues in Conflict Resolution

Conflict and Anger: An Overview The Hierarchy of Conflict Anger and Conflict Taboos Myths, Theories, and Facts About Anger

Box 5.1: Putting It Together: Anger: Myths and Facts

Intimacy and Conflict Intimacy Breeds Conflict Love and Anger in Balance The Dance of Anger Conflict and Supportiveness in Heterosexual, Gay, and Lesbian Couples

Box 5.2: At Issue: Determining Styles of Conflict Resolution in Happy Versus Unhappy Couples

Approaches to Conflict Resolution Fighting Fair Constructive and Destructive Approaches Styles of Conflict Resolution Resolving Conflict: Six Basic Steps

Summary Key Terms Activities Suggested Readings

IM 5 | 1 Learning Objectives

After reading Chapter 5, the student should be able to:

 Understand the importance of dealing positively with challenging situations and conflicts in life before they become crises.

 Recognize that anger is a “normal” emotion, one that we all feel at times, but that it is not a particularly beneficial emotion, especially when we act out of anger. Reason is a much more useful tool for building healthy, intimate relationships.

 Recognize the myths often found in society regarding anger and how this may influence our reactions and approaches to anger. • Demonstrate the process by which intimacy breeds conflict. • Outline the common issues over which couples often find themselves in conflict. • Explain constructive and destructive approaches to conflict resolution. • Discuss methods people use to manage their stress and anger.

Summary

According to a national survey of married couples, happy couples are more able than unhappy couples to resolve their differences, to understand each other when discussing problems, to feel at ease expressing their feelings to each other, to reach consensus on ways to resolve their differences, and to share responsibility for their problems. According to the same national survey, the major conflict-resolution issues that married couples experience are the following: serious disputes over unimportant issues, an inability to resolve differences, disagreement on the best way to resolve issues, an inability to voice concerns or feelings about problems, and a tendency to avoid conflict with their partner. Such issues appear to be common across couple types including gay and lesbian couples, and cohabitating couples.

Conflict is inevitable in any intimate relationship. It can be thought of as a process that moves from decision making to problem solving to crisis resolution; making decisions when they are called for helps prevent crises. Most couples are afraid of negative emotions and have a difficult time learning how to deal with them. A common tendency is to suppress anger for fear of damaging the relationship. Because love and hate are so closely tied, however, the suppression of anger can lead to loss of affection in a relationship.

Popular myths about anger include the belief that anger is caused by others, that the best way to deal with anger is to let it all out, that anger is a beneficial emotion, and that you’re a wimp if you don’t get angry. Intimacy and conflict are inextricably tied together. Anger keeps people from developing unhealthy dependencies on each other. Interdependence, a balance between dependency and independence, seems to work best.

IM 5 | 2 People manage stress and anger in several ways: pursuers seek greater togetherness in a relationship; distancers want emotional space when stress is high; underfunctioners become less competent under stress; overfunctioners tend to take charge in tough times; and blamers believe everyone else is responsible for their problems. The top five issues that generate conflict between newlyweds are money, family, communication style, household tasks, and personal tastes.

People should observe certain conventions, or “rules for fair fighting,” when they are arguing; these rules make the argument safer and more likely to lead to a satisfactory conclusion. Some styles of conflict resolution are the competitive style, pursuing personal concerns at the expense of others; the collaborative style, being highly assertive in regard to reaching one’s goals while also showing great concern for the other person; the compromise style, an intermediate style between aggressiveness and cooperation; the avoidance style, avoiding conflict by changing the subject or withdrawing; and the accommodating style, which involves nonassertive and cooperative behaviors.

Family therapists and other authorities generally agree on six steps for resolving conflict: (1) clarify the issue; (2) find out what each person wants; (3) identify various alternatives; (4) decide how to negotiate; (5) solidify agreements; and (6) review and renegotiate.

Lecture Notes

I. Overview of Conflict and Anger. Conflict is inevitable in any intimate relationship. A. The hierarchy of conflict. Conflict can be thought of as occurring along a hierarchy from decision making to problem solving to crisis resolution. All things considered, it is easier to resolve conflict situations early, before they become crises. An ounce of prevention, clearly, is worth a pound of cure. B. Anger and conflict taboos. Most couples are afraid of negative emotions and have a difficult time learning how to deal with them. A common tendency is to try to suppress anger toward each other out of fear that the relationship will be damaged. Because love and hate are so closely tied, suppression of anger often leads to loss of affection for each other. Repressed anger can lead to high levels of stress for individuals and their relationships. A more appropriate approach is to recognize anger and deal with it positively. C. Myths, theories, and facts about anger. There are several popular myths about anger: 1. Anger is caused by others. Although many people believe that anger is externally caused, it is actually self-created. 2. The best way to deal with anger is to “let it all out.” Aggressive behavior, however, only creates more aggression. Acting aggressively generally brings out aggression in the other person. 3. Anger is a beneficial emotion. In reality, those who become angry are likely to pay a price in terms of relationship strain and disruption. 4. You’re a “wimp” if you hold back your anger. On the contrary, people who are especially secure are not likely to get upset in response to another person’s anger.

IM 5 | 3 II. Intimacy and Conflict A. Intimacy breeds conflict. Intimacy and conflict are inextricably linked. The more you know about another person, the more possibilities you have for disagreement and dislike. Every marriage or intimate relationship has the two dynamic forces of love and anger. Love seeks to draw the individuals together, and anger tends to drive the individuals apart. B. Love and anger in balance. One positive contribution anger makes to a relationship is that of preserving autonomy. Anger keeps people from developing unhealthy dependencies on each other. A balance between dependence and independence seems to work best; that balance is called interdependence. C. The dance of anger. Psychologist Harriet Goldhor Lerner has written about anger as if it were a well-choreographed dance. She argues that people manage stress and anger in several ways. Some people are pursuers, who seek greater togetherness when they are anxious in a relationship. Some are distancers, who want emotional space when stress is high. Some are underfunctioners, who become less competent under stress. Some are overfunctioners, who tend to take charge in tough times. Some are blamers, who believe everyone else is responsible for their problems. And some are people who are especially good at taking the blame for situations, even when they probably didn’t contribute much to the problem. 1. In our society, women tend to overfunction in the areas of housework, child work, and feelings work. In all other areas, however, women have been socialized to be pursuers and underfunctioners. 2. Men, meanwhile, have been socialized to be distancers and overfunctioners. Both genders are good at blaming others, but women may use this approach more today because they feel they have less power in our society and resent their subordinate status. D. Conflict and Supportiveness in Heterosexual, Gay and Lesbian Couples. Few studies have been undertaken to compare couples with different sexual orientation (heterosexual, gay and lesbian) in terms of their positive and negative communication when completing conflict and supportive tasks. Limited research has shown few differences across these couples. Positive communication during conflict was found to be positively associated with more resolution and satisfaction for all couples.

III. Approaches to Conflict Resolution A. Fighting fair. Since anger is a common part of intimate relationships, then fights and disagreements are likely to occur. Fighting fair refers to rules that govern verbal exchanges. John F. Crosby has developed a list of 16 rules for fair fighting: 1. Negotiate from the adult position. 2. Avoid ultimatums. 3. If one loses, both lose. 4. Say what you really mean. 5. Avoid accusations and attacks. 6. Own your own feelings first. 7. Always check out your perceptions. 8. State your wishes and requests clearly and directly. 9. Never use sex to smooth over a disagreement.

IM 5 | 4 10. Repeat the message you think you received. 11. Refuse to fight dirty. (Don’t gunnysack; don’t be passive-aggressive; don’t use rapid- fire questioning; don’t use verbal abuse.) 12. Resist giving the silent treatment. 13. Focus on the issue and focus on the present. 14. Call “time out” and “foul.” 15. Use humor and comic relief. 16. Always go for closure.

B. Constructive and destructive approaches. In destructive approaches to conflict resolution, old issues are brought up and only negative feelings are expressed. The information shared is selective, and the focus is on the person rather than the issue. The emphasis is on differences, with the goal of minimizing change. There is often a winner and a loser, which decreases intimacy. Conversely, constructive conflict resolution tries to focus on current rather than past issues, to share both positive and negative feelings, and to provide information openly. Mutual blame is accepted, and the individuals search for similarities so that both win. As a result, intimacy increases, and trust grows in the relationship.

C. Styles of conflict resolution. People have different styles when resolving conflicts. Some are competitive, pursuing personal concerns at the expense of others. Others are collaborative in their conflict resolution style—that is, highly assertive in regard to reaching their goals while having a great deal of concern for the other person. Some are compromising, which is an intermediate style between assertiveness and cooperativeness. Some tend to avoid conflict altogether, sidestepping the issue by changing the subject or withdrawing. The final style, the accommodating style, is nonassertive and cooperative. The individual puts aside personal concerns in an effort to satisfy the wants and needs of the other. No style is automatically superior to any other. Each has disadvantages and advantages. People often use a variety of styles in resolving conflicts.

D. Resolving conflict: Six basic steps. Family therapists and other authorities generally agree on six useful strategies for resolving conflict: 1. Clarify the issue, making sure everyone knows what the fight is all about. 2. Find out what each person wants or desires. 3. Identify various alternatives, brainstorming the wide variety of options available. 4. Decide how to negotiate: quid pro quo or quid pro quid. 5. Solidify the agreements, making sure everyone is clear about what has been agreed upon. 6. Review and renegotiate the agreement as necessary.

E. If conflicts were easy to work out, we would live in an ideal world. Resolving conflict clearly is a challenging process. There are no simple solutions, but people of goodwill can resolve most disagreements if both are invested in the well-being of each other and want the relationship to thrive.

Key Terms

IM 5 | 5 pursuer passive-aggressive behavior avoidance style distancer incongruity humor accommodating style dance of anger closure brainstorming underfunctioner competitive style quid pro quo overfunctioner collaborative style quid pro quid blamer compromise style agreeing to disagree gunnysacking

Activities

1. Using Harriet Lerner’s ideas about the various styles of managing anger, focus on someone with whom you have an important relationship. Does one of you tend to be a pursuer or a distancer? an overfunctioner or an underfunctioner? a blamer or a blame-taker? Rate each of you on a scale from 1 (low) to 10 (high) on each of the dimensions. Are you performing any dance based on these style differences? If so, how might you create a healthier dance? 2. Use John Crosby’s 16 rules for fair fighting as the basis for a small-group discussion. Group members should first rate themselves on each of the rules. Then members should discuss some practical things they can do to become fairer fighters. 3. Think of an ongoing disagreement you have had with someone in an important relationship, one that has been difficult for you both to resolve. Agree to discuss the issue. See if you can work out the disagreement using the six basic conflict-resolution steps discussed at the end of this chapter.

4. Observe contemporary television shows or current films for evidence of fair fighting or styles of anger management. In small groups, discuss your findings. Are some styles more represented in the media than others?

IM 5 | 6 Suggested Readings

Booth, A., Crouter, A.C., & Clementis, M. (Eds.) (2004). Couples in conflict. Mahway, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum. A collection of insightful articles on conflict and conflict resolution in couples. Crosby, J. F. (1991). Illusion and disillusion: The self in love and marriage. Belmont, CA: Wadsworth. A guide to positive communication and the development of intimacy; helps readers see through the illusions they create about their loved ones and explains how to overcome the disillusion that inevitably follows to create a sound relationship. Gottmann, J., & Silver, N. (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail. New York: Simon & Schuster. An excellent in-depth analysis of couple interaction patterns that are predictive of successful versus divorcing couples. Gottmann, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles to making marriage work. New York: Crown. Psychologist Gottmann’s latest work for a general audience. Lerner, H. G. (2001). The dance of connection. New York: Harper Collins. This book offers practical suggestions for how to talk to someone who you are mad, hurt, frustrated, or scared. Lerner, H. G. (1996). Life preservers: Staying afloat in love and life. New York: HarperCollins. Recent thoughts from Lerner, a psychologist at the Menninger Clinic in Topeka, Kansas. Markman, H. J., Stanley, S., & Blumberg, S. L. (1994). Fighting for your marriage. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. Provides an overview of the authors’ PREP communication program for couples; contains useful suggestions for resolving couple conflict. Olson, D.H., & Olson, A.K. (2000). Empowering couples: Building on your strengths. Minneapolis MN: Life Innovations. A self help book that contains couple assessment and couple exercises to build relationship skills and a happier couple relationship.

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