Second Regular Session Sixty-ninth General Assembly STATE OF COLORADO PREAMENDED This Unofficial Version Includes Committee Amendments Not Yet Adopted on Second Reading LLS NO. 14-7004.01 Duane Gall x4335 HOUSE BILL 14-1704 HOUSE SPONSORSHIP Rankin,

SENATE SPONSORSHIP Renfroe,

House Committees Senate Committees Judiciary

A BILL FOR AN ACT 101 CONCERNING DEPORTATION OF NE PATRIOT FANS TO NY (TEST).

Bill Summary

(Note: This summary applies to this bill as introduced and does not reflect any amendments that may be subsequently adopted. If this bill passes third reading in the house of introduction, a bill summary that applies to the reengrossed version of this bill will be available at http://www.leg.state.co.us/billsummaries.)

Section 1 of the bill declares that Colorado is and always has been Denver Broncos country and that the presence of New England Patriots fans in Colorado represents a blight and a nuisance that must be abated for preservation of the public peace, health, and safety. Section 2 gives Patriots fans a grace period of 30 days to pack up their personal belongings and depart Colorado for New York, checking in at ports of entry to verify their progress.

Shading denotes HOUSE amendment. Double underlining denotes SENATE amendment. Capital letters indicate new material to be added to existing statute. Dashes through the words indicate deletions from existing statute. 1 Be it enacted by the General Assembly of the State of Colorado: 2 SECTION 1. Legislative declaration. (1) The general assembly 3 finds that: 4 (a) A bronco is a wild horse; 5 (b) There were broncos in Colorado before there was a Colorado; 6 (c) An ass is an inferior form of a horse; 7 (d) There have been asses in New York since it was just York, and 8 there still are; 9 (e) Broncos kick ass; 10 (f) Coloradans are at least as patriotic as New Yorkers, but 11 without those silly hats. (The three-cornered ones, we mean.) 12 (g) Patriotism is love for, or devotion to, a country; and 13 (h) "New England" is not a country. It is instead a vaguely defined 14 geographic area containing, among other thing, pitiful bunny hills falsely 15 designated as mountains; dairy cattle; dressage horses; and oysters that 16 are really nothing but oysters. 17 (2) In view of the foregoing, the general assembly determines that: 18 (a) Anyone who self-identifies as a New England Patriots fan 19 would probably be a lot happier living in New York; and 20 (b) The presence of New England Patriots fans on Colorado's 21 hallowed soil represents an affront to the state's heritage and an imminent 22 threat the public peace, health, and safety. 23 (3) Therefore, the general assembly declares that all New England 24 Patriots fans currently residing within Colorado's borders should be given 25 a decent interval in which to reflect, repent, and change their allegiance 26 in favor of the Denver Broncos, and, failing that, should be required to

-2- 1704 1 relocate to New York. 2 SECTION 2. In Colorado Revised Statutes, 42-8-105, add (7) as 3 follows: 4 42-8-105. Relocation of New England Patriots fans - clearance

5 of motor vehicles at port of entry weigh stations. (7) (a) ALL PERSONS

6 SELF-IDENTIFYING AS NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS FANS SHALL, ON OR

7 BEFORE THE OPENING OF THE 2014 PRESEASON, RELOCATE TO CANADA

8 AND, ON THEIR WAY OUT OF THE STATE, CHECK IN AT THE NEAREST PORT

9 OF ENTRY WEIGH STATION TO TURN IN ALL COORS BEER AND ROCKY

10 MOUNTAIN OYSTERS IN THEIR POSSESSION.

11 (b) EFFECTIVE AT 12:01 A.M. ON THE THIRTIETH DAY AFTER SUPER

12 BOWL XLVIII, EVERY OWNER OR OPERATOR OF A MOTOR VEHICLE

13 BEARING A NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS BUMPER STICKER OR OTHER FAN

14 INSIGNIA SHALL SECURE A VALID CLEARANCE FROM AN OFFICER OF THE

15 COLORADO STATE PATROL, OR FROM A PORT OF ENTRY WEIGH STATION, TO

16 ENSURE THAT THE VEHICLE IS REGISTERED IN A STATE OTHER THAN

17 COLORADO BEFORE OPERATING THE VEHICLE OR COMBINATION OF

18 VEHICLES OR CAUSING THE VEHICLE OR COMBINATION OF VEHICLES TO BE

19 OPERATED ON THE PUBLIC HIGHWAYS OF THIS STATE. 20 SECTION 3. Safety clause. The general assembly hereby finds, 21 determines, and declares that this act is necessary for the immediate 22 preservation of the public peace, health, and safety.

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