Ballast Quarterly Review, V19n2, Winter 2003-04
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University of Northern Iowa UNI ScholarWorks Ballast Quarterly Review Winter 2003 Ballast Quarterly Review, v19n2, Winter 2003-04 Roy R. Behrens University of Northern Iowa, [email protected] Let us know how access to this document benefits ouy Copyright ©2004 Roy R. Behrens Follow this and additional works at: https://scholarworks.uni.edu/ballast Part of the Arts and Humanities Commons Recommended Citation Behrens, Roy R., "Ballast Quarterly Review, v19n2, Winter 2003-04" (2003). Ballast Quarterly Review. 73. https://scholarworks.uni.edu/ballast/73 This Periodical is brought to you for free and open access by UNI ScholarWorks. It has been accepted for inclusion in Ballast Quarterly Review by an authorized administrator of UNI ScholarWorks. For more information, please contact [email protected]. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of dispair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way. Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities (1859). II B A L L A S T Q U A R Ballast Quarterly Review Volume 19 Number 2 WOODY Winter 2003 -04. Copyright © 2004 by Roy R. ALLEN Behrens, editor, publisher and art director. ISSN Sex between a man 1093 -5789. E-mail <[email protected]>. and a woman can be wonderful Ballast is an acronym for Books Art Language provided you get Logic Ambiguity Science and Teaching, as well between the right as a distant allusion to Blast, the short-lived man and the right pub lication founded during World War I by woman . Wyndham Lewis, the Vorticist artist and writer. Ballast is mainly a pastiche of astonishing pas sages from books, magazines, diaries and other The chick writings. Put differently, it is a journal devoted Hewed to wit, the contents of which are intended to be Let out a insightful, amusing or thought provoking. whoop Felt his chin and The purposes of Ballast are educational, apolit Flew the coop ical and noncommercial. It does not carry Burma-Shave advertisements, nor is it supposed to be pur chased or sold . It is published approxi mately every three months, beg inning in the fall (more ROBERT or less) and ending in the summer. FROST Home is where, To subscribe to Ballast or to order a gift sub when you have to go scription, simply send in a mail ing address and there , they have to five first class U.S. postage stamps for each sin take you in . gle issue desired . In other words, to re ceive Bal last for one year ( four issues), we ask that each ANON reader contribute a total of twenty genuine A neighborhood is unused postage stamps. Do not send postage where, when you go meter slips, nor do we accept orders by phone out of it, you get or e-mail. When subscribing, self-adhesive beat up. stamps are preferred . Short of that, send good looking, antique or unusual stamps. In general we do not accept requests from outside the U.S. ANON Nobody knows the truffles I've seen . LYTTON STRACH EY [the British Bloomsbury writer, who was also homo sexual] was unfit [for military service during World War I], but instead of allowing himself to be rejected by the doctors he preferred to appear before a military tribunal as a conscientitious objector. He told of the extra ordinary impression that was caused by an air-cushion which he inflated during the proceedings as a protest against the hardness of the benches. Asked by the chairman the usual question: "I understand, Mr. Stratchey, that you have a conscientious objection to war?" he repl ied (in his curious falsetto voice), "Oh no, not at all, only to this war." Better than this was his reply to the chairman's other stock question, which had previously never failed to embarrass the claimant: "Tell me, Mr. Strachey, what would you do if you saw a German soldier trying to violate your sister?" With an air of noble virtue: "I would try to get between them ." ROBERT G RAVES Goodbye to All That(G arden Ci ty, NY: Doub leday An chor Books, 1957). LES COLEMAN Little Miss Muffet sat on a whoopee cu shion. T E R y R E V E W II • ,,,. LES COLEMAN The cowboy put on his dark glasses and rode into the sunset. LEFT Poster (designer unknown) from the Works Progress Administration (WPA), Federal Art Project [cl936) THE FOLLOWING is an excerpt from the m!:Jlloirs of • OARD HUNTER (1883 -1966), titled My Life With Paper: An Autobiograp7 (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1958, pp. 79 -81 ). Hunter was an Ohio-born designer, letterpress printer, and pioneering expert on the history and technique of papermaking . To understand th incide nt he describes, it is important DAVID to realize that, for several years (beginning in MEYER 1904), he lived in an artists' c~lony in East Aurora, [Ernie and Me] His name was Ernest New York (just outside of Buffalo, across from Cana Summers and he told da), called the Roycroft Workshops, where ne was a, this joke about him close associate of its eccentric long-haired founder, self: When he was who was Elbert Hubbard (self-dubbed Fra Elbertus), dead the marker on a leading participant in the American Arts and his grave would read, Crafts Movement. In Hubbard 's mind , he was the "The worms are eat American equivalent of British designer William ing in dead Ernest." Morris, founder of the Kelmscott Press. The best books to come out of Roycroft were designed not by Hubbard, but by Hunter, includi ng an edition of LANCE Washington Irving's The legend of Sleepy Hollow. MORROW After leaving that colony, Hunter became an author [Fishing in the Tiber] Humphrey Bogart ity on the history of papermaking , in part because was a brilliant smok he had the means to travel throughout the world , er. He taught genera collecting examples of exotic handmade papers, and tions how to hold a were made. In recording the process by which they cigarette, how to the passage that follows, he reports a curious inci inhale, how to squint dent that took place shortly after his, arrival in through smoke. But Wellington, New Zealand, where he went in part to as a kisser, Bogart 1et learn about Maori culture Here's the excerpt- an awful example. His mouth addressed a woman's lips with the WHEN THE SHIP finally reached quivering nibble of a of a dark, Wellington in the late evening horse closing in on an rainy day, I was lonely and disconsolate. apple. A dismal room was available in the Roy al Oak Hotel, and after a dreary dinner I " a B A L L A S T Q U A R went to sleep with the disconcerting thought that I was almost eight thou sand miles from home and that in all He asked His kitten New Zealand I did not ~9ve a single To pet and purr friend . The following morning I was up She eyed his at daybreak. The rain continued to fall, puss And screamed the skies were a dull gray, and the entire "What fu r!" scene was one of discouragement. A Burma-Shave feeJing of homesickness overcame me. ' As I was interested in the hand- PAUL RAND ~ crafts of the Maoris, the highly devel [Paul Rand: oped aboriginal people of New Zealand, Modernist Design] I inquired the way to the Wellington I once had the plea Museum. But after walking to the muse sure of meeting him um in the splash·ng downpour, I found [British typdgfapher Stanley Morison] at 'that the doors of the institution would the Garrick Club in not be opened for another hour. I stood London. He was sort under the museum entrance seeking pro of like the Pope. He tection from the drenching rain . A few sat there in a black pedestrians and vehicles splashed suit with a little white collar, just like a through the puddles of water lying in priest. I decided, this the uneven street. A man, soaked is too much. I started through, came running up the museum to drink, and haven't steps and stood beside me under the the slightest idea of meager protection of the doorway. He what he was talking about for about two nodded casually, but said nothing about hours. Fortunately, I the weather, which I thought showed was with a friend who considerable restraint. He appeared to was talking to him be a New Zea lander. Finally he spoke. while I was supposed "Stranger here?" he said . ly listening. However, after a while I got up I replied with a polite nod. and I walked to the "Come recently?" dining room. It was a Arrived last night, I told him . " beautiful room, and "From the United States?" the tables were set Yes, was my reply. with silver flatware, flowers and candles, "I spent a day in the United States the chandeliers were twenty years ago," he said with an air of lit. In the midst of all having been around . this, in the midst of His short stay in the United £tates this empty room, aroused my curiosity, and I asked how stood T.S. El iot.