$3 Our Nasty Reputation Takes Us Everywhere $3 The Committed Indian The REal Fan’s Program secondcityhockey.com January 4th, 2009 [email protected] BACK TO THE FRONT... Huzzah! We can get back to hockey tactic the Hawks will see plenty of. you really have to wonder if he can handle this now. Though we enjoyed the experience Flame-Broiled Goodness load any more. Check out his goals-against immensely -- despite the result -- it is more In Gary Bettman’s kindergarten-like average the past four seasons, including this than a relief to get back to just being fans of -distribution system -- everyone gets to one: 2.07, 2.46, 2.69, 2.84. See a pattern? another hockey team again, and not part of have at least one -- a two-game losing streak See if it appears in his SV % over that time too: some movement that’ll save ’s budget generally means you’re going to get passed. .923, .917, .906, .901. But Keenan has his crisis and put Blago in jail, or whatever it was That’s just what happened, as the Flames sit ways. So did Stalin. they packaged that thing as. third in the conference and atop the North- Paging Dr. Bolland What have we learned since Christ- west Division. The Flames are as hot as the The Flames aren’t as Iginla-centric as mas? Well, the Hawks appear to be in a class Hawks were, having won seven of eight, and they used to be, especially since they moved of their own. Generally, that refers to a team losing in in the other one (you may Langkow down to the 2nd line with the mutant that’s above every competitor, but not in this recall Marvel going around a certain that’s parading around as . But case. The Hawks are clearly a step below San unnamed defenseman in that one. Rhymes in two games against the Flames, the Bolland- Jose and Scum, but also appear to be clearly with Peon Baneuf). line has kept Iggy in their pocket, and doing better than everyone else (though tonight’s This isn’t quite the normal squad so again tonight will go a long way to secur- oppenent has more points, but in we associate with the Southern Boys. ing victory. Though Bertuzzi won yesterday’s three more games). It’s like the Hawks aren’t They’re 20th in goals-against, but 7th in game against Nashville in the dying seconds, hipster enough to hang out in Logan Square, goals-for. But they’re still 26th in penalties, we’ll take our chances. but not yuppie enough to hang out in Lincoln so at least somethings never change. If Mike You know the drill against Calgary. Park or Bucktown. So they’ll just have to make Keenan ever ran a disciplined team, it would They’re big, they’re nasty, and have more skill do in Lincoln Square...or something. Ok, that probably be in that sport Homer Simpson than one might imagine. We were scared the metaphor fell apart, but you get the idea. wanted to event, where people throw ducks at Hawks would suffer a letdown after the Clas- So Now You Know, Who balloons and nothing is the way it seems. sic, but considering how the two games this Gets Mystified As always, Iron Mike is running his week went, we fully expect the Hawks to come If there’s one silver lining to the goalie into the ground, and then straight to out with a snarl we haven’t seen in a while. past two games, at least the Hawks now have hell. Mikka Kiprusoff has all 23 of the Flames’ They damn well better. This Flames team is some idea what playoff hockey sort of looks wins, and has started 36 of the Flames’ no joke, and a three-game losing streak will like. They should also be somewhat flattered 38 games. He’s also changing the oil on bring acid flashbacks of previous January that Scum felt they needed to bring out the Keenan’s car, and redoing the roof on his collapses. But we don’t see that happening heavy artillery against them. But that’s about house. Kipper is on the wrong side of 30, and tonight. -Rahm Emanuel it. As for the Classic itself, we couldn’t help but think of Hull-Mikita Night against San Jose from last . An immense occasion, the young Hawks come out eating lightning and crapping thunder against an experienced, elite team. They take the lead, and are all over the place for a period. But they can’t keep that level of energy going (who could?), the more veteran team waits them out and slowly starts to assert themselves against a spent Hawk team. By the time they can reload, it’s too late. That’s one point of view. Hopefully, come the spring, the Hawks will learn to bal- ance their exuberance throughout a game. Or just start snorting half of Colombia. Whatever works. As for the nuts-and-bolts of it, Nicklas Lindstrom was quoted as saying that after the 1st, the Wings concentrated on making sure their breakout pass went to the redline instead of blue, thus nullifying the Hawks forecheck. Thankfully, only Scum come equipped with enough puck-moving d-men to pull this off, so we won’t see it too often. Lindstrom also said that Scum really concentrated on keeping the Hawks’ d-men pinned back from joining the rush, eliminat- ing options for our skilled forwards. This is a Now what, John? MUSINGS FROM THE EDITOR

- Many have already said it, but I thought the Classic was a wonder- uncomfortable. I don’t doubt there are some people who watch ful experience, despite the result. But one thought I didn’t think hockey, and not basketball, due to racist sentiments. But I have to would cross my mind during it was this: I hope the new owners believe they are the underwhelming majority. At least I hope it is. of the Cubs find a way to “accidentally” blow that place up. This There are two key points that I think go against any argu- comes from a die-hard Cub fan, too. I’ve always ment of racism. One is I don’t think Hawks fans are thought Wrigley held the Cubs back, due to sellouts objecting to coverage of basketball in general, but to regardless of performance. Maybe it’s a sign I’m the basketball the Bulls play. Not only are they bad, getting old, and I do love watching a game there. but they’re selfish, whiny, uncaring, and don’t put But you know what? I don’t want to wait 20 min- forth even a decent effort half the time. Contrast that utes for the bathroom. I’d like to be able to move with the Hawks who are affable, care about the fans, in the aisles. I don’t want to stare at a post. Obvi- and leave everything on the ice. They warran more ously, this will never happen. But Wrigley is due a coverage simply because of that. I can’t imagine that major renovation soon. At least we got to see what a has anything to with the color of the players’ skin. Jumbotron would look like in something other than Secondly, go to an NBA game some time. Well, our dreams. actually, don’t. It’s like being in a 20,000 seat Chuck- - There’s something that’s been invading Sam Fels E-Cheese in Deerfield for three hours. I’ve been to my mind like a barbarian horde recently. I’ve seen DMVs that were more pleasant. But anyway, take it discussed a couple different places, and I wonder where the truth a look at the makeup of the crowd of a Bulls game sometime. It’s lies exactly. I hear Hawks fans calling radio stations and read their almost as lilly-white as a Hawks crowd. You’ll find that in most letters in papers complaining that the Hawks aren’t getting enough NBA arenas, I think. coverage. Sometimes people link it to over-coverage of the Bulls. I shouldn’t get so upset when a member of the mainstream Whenever that happens, someone’s bound to claim racism. Dan media tries to paint me as a hockey fan, and my bretheren, as Bernstein on The Afternoon Show on The Score was the latest I mouth-breathing cavemen. But it’s getting old, and I wish it would heard do this (why do I always end up bitching about Bernsy in stop. That’s ok, when the Hawks are the only one standing in April, this? He and I are friends, too). This makes me hemorrhoids- they’ll have to put up with us. NHL STANDINGS *not including late game Eastern Conference Western Conference

W L OTL PTS GF GA HOME AWAY W L OTL PTS GF GA HOME AWAY 1 Boston 29 6 4 62 143 88 14-2-1 15-4-3 1 San Jose* 28 4 5 61 128 87 18-0-2 10-4-3 2 Washington 26 11 3 55 133 116 17-1-1 9-10-2 2 Scum 26 7 5 57 141 111 13-3-2 13-4-3 3 Philadelphia* 21 10 7 49 131 118 12-4-3 9-6-4 3 Calgary 23 11 4 50 118 112 13-4-3 10-7-1 4 NY Rangers 23 14 3 49 108 109 13-7-2 10-7-1 4 HAWKS 20 8 7 47 127 94 11-2-4 9-6-3 5 21 10 6 48 109 95 11-4-4 10-6-2 5 Vancouver 21 15 4 46 115 105 11-6-1 10-9-3 6 New Jersey 22 12 3 47 113 95 12-7-1 10-5-2 6 Phoenix 19 15 5 43 102 110 13-5-2 6-10-3 7 Carolina 20 15 5 45 105 116 11-9-1 9-6-4 7 Anaheim 19 15 5 43 111 112 10-8-3 9-7-2 8 Buffalo 19 15 5 43 113 111 10-9-2 9-6-3 8 Columbus 18 17 4 40 104 109 11-6-1 7-11-3 9 Pittsburgh 19 16 4 42 121 120 8-9-2 11-7-2 9 Minnesota 18 16 3 39 94 87 11-7-3 7-9-0 10 Florida 17 16 5 39 99 105 8-5-3 9-11-2 10 Colorado 19 18 1 39 104 113 11-7-0 8-11-1 11 16 17 6 38 119 138 8-7-4 8-10-2 11 * 17 16 3 37 101 111 6-6-3 11-10-0 12 Ottawa 13 18 5 31 84 103 9-6-3 4-12-2 12 Dallas* 16 15 5 37 107 123 9-6-3 7-9-2 13 Atlanta 13 21 5 31 114 142 7-11-2 6-10-3 13 Nashville 17 18 3 37 93 112 10-6-1 7-12-2 14 Tampa Bay 10 18 10 30 91 120 4-7-7 6-11-3 14 L.A. Kings* 15 16 6 36 95 102 10-8-6 5-8-0 15 NY Islanders * 12 23 4 28 102 141 7-9-2 5-14-2 15 St. Louis 15 21 3 33 112 132 10-9-2 5-12-1

TOP 10 LIST PUCK DROP Rene Bourque, Shock- Top 10 End-Results of The Winter Classic ingly Useful, Calgary: 10. Wrigleyville bars now know what real drinkers look like We remember a guy who wore both #17 and #12 for 9. Due to the presence of Scum fans for mere hours, property values the Hawks, who floated are down 20% in Lakeview around the edges of play, 8. Even more people realize Wrigley needs a renovation yesterday almost never used his size, 7. More blood in the urinal troughs from one day than in the past never hit anyone, would two years combined occasionally show off a booming and good 6. Cops in a new area of town have lost an argument with editors of speed, but never enough. Apparently, that Committed Indian guy’s gone, and replaced by an ass-kicker in 5. We think is even more of a dweeb than before. Did Calgary. He’s going to break the 20- bar- you see that schmuck? rier for the first time this season, is the Flames’ 4. Forcing Billy Williams out into the cold took 5 years off his life leader in points/minutes at even-strength, and one of their main -killers. He’s finally 3. Wrigley has now hosted a commissioner dumber than Bud Selig using his speed to get in position and his being 2. Scum have gotten more wins in 2009 than the Lions will physical, and has even seen time on Iginla’s 1. Unfortunately, not the death of Ron Santo wing. Where was this guy? 20-8-7

- The only two forwards to bring a full 60 minutes on Thursday. We really thought

ries this season, and maybe that’s karma from all the crippling ones of recent seasons. Versteeg would have faded by now, but we also think that Chinese Democracy was a This is what scares us about the rest of the season. The Hawks have been extremely lucky with inju surprisingly good album, so clearly we’re idiots (it is though, you just have to listen like 20 times).

# Pos Player Ht WT AGE GP G A P +/- PIM PP SH GW S S% Salary 88 R 5'10" 187 19 35 16 25 41 5 26 8 0 2 106 15.1 $3,725,000 32 L VerStud 5'10" 180 22 34 11 20 31 13 39 4 1 1 64 17.2 $491,667 10 L The Sharp-Shooter 6'1" 197 26 35 19 12 31 -1 30 7 0 4 109 17.4 $3,900,000 24 R Martin Havlat 6'2" 217 27 35 10 19 29 13 12 4 0 1 97 10.3 $6,000,000 19 C Captain Marvel 6'2" 209 20 35 9 20 29 6 27 3 0 2 84 10.7 $2,800,000 51 D 51 Phantom 6'0" 188 29 35 6 21 27 4 4 3 0 1 53 11.3 $7,142,875 16 L 6'2" 198 22 35 7 16 23 15 14 0 0 0 75 9.3 $1,550,000 36 C Dave Bolland 6'0" 188 22 35 7 14 21 8 18 0 1 1 48 14.6 $845,833 2 D 6'1" 194 25 35 5 14 19 17 18 1 1 1 73 6.8 $1,475,000 25 D Cam Barker 6'3" 213 22 25 3 14 17 -4 15 3 0 1 30 10 $2,768,587 33 R 6'3" 247 23 32 7 9 16 4 35 1 0 2 90 7.8 $3,000,000 22 R Troy Brouwer 6'2" 213 23 29 5 9 14 5 32 2 0 0 53 9.4 $675,000 7 D 6'3" 220 23 35 4 7 11 11 37 1 1 0 53 7.5 $600,000 46 C Colin Fraser 6'1" 188 23 35 2 8 10 1 37 0 0 0 23 8.7 $500,000 55 L 6'2" 220 24 31 7 1 8 1 67 0 0 0 29 24.1 $568,000 23 D Aaron Johnson 6'1" 211 25 20 3 4 7 15 12 0 0 1 12 25 $3,500,000 43 D 6'0" 207 24 6 0 4 4 -1 4 0 0 0 17 0 $900,000 28 R Craig Adams 6'0" 197 31 22 2 2 4 -3 14 1 0 0 23 8.7 $600,000 8 D Matt Walker 6'3" 214 28 23 0 2 2 5 22 0 0 0 24 0 $600,000 5 D 6'1" 211 31 23 1 1 2 -4 8 0 0 1 15 6.7 $2,333,333 37 R Adam Burish 6'1" 189 25 19 0 0 0 -5 49 0 0 0 21 0 $712,500 Totals/Averages 6'1" 203.75 24.17 125 222 529 38 4 1113 11.23% $44,682,295

*injured

# Goalie HT WT AGE GPI Min GAA W L OT SO SA GA Sv% G A PIM Salary 39 6'1" 209 35 19 1096 2.41 11 2 4 1 571 44 0.923 0 2 4 $6,750,000 38 Cristobal Huet 6'1" 205 33 18 1034 2.55 9 6 3 1 490 44 0.910 0 0 0 $5,625,000 Totals/Averages 6'1" 207 34 37 2130 2.48 20 8 7 2 1061 88 0.917 0 2 4 $12,375,000 TOTAL CAP NUMBER: $57,283,000

Sharpie went 9 for 13 on draws on Thursday. Hopefully, this is a trend that will continue, as his sea this is a trend Hopefully, on Thursday. Sharpie went 9 for 13 on draws minutes. 44.1 is just not good enough for a center who plays big son % of

CAP SPACE: $274,000* - Probable Pairings Probable Lines *space also affected by buyouts and injured players Left Wing Center Right Wing 51 Campbell 25 Barker 22 Brouwer 10 Sharp 88 Kane 2 Keith 7 Seabrook Injury List 32 Versteeg 19 Toews 33 Byfuglien 43 Wisniewski 23 Johnson 16 Ladd 36 Bolland 24 Havlat 55 Eager 46 Fraser 28 Adams

16 years ago, David Stern sent me to ruin the NHL. I have done every- thing I can think of to drive the core I am so close to completing the task fan away, strip hockey of all that’s Stern charged me with.... great about it, and eliminate any at- tention by the mainstream media... IGGY AND THE STOOGES 23-11-4

There have been rumblings out of Calgary that Last time we saw the Flames, The Criminal had 7 goals Iginla is having an off-year. He’s on pace for 38 in 15 games, but with a shooting % of nearly 25, and goals and 97 points. We all should be so off. we said he wouldn’t keep that up. Consider this market corrected. Add his horrific +/- and Behind the Net, and you have another brilliant Keenan pickup.

# Pos Player Ht WT AGE GP G A P +/- PIM PP SH GW S S% Salary

rise. But he’ll still be overrated, and catching ’s syphillis and clap. Another market that will eventually be corrected. Phaneuf’s go al tally will 12 R 6' 1" 207 31 38 18 27 45 4 20 9 0 3 128 14.1 $7,000,000 13 C Mike Cammalleri 5' 9" 185 26 37 14 20 34 -2 14 6 0 4 112 12.5 $3,550,000 22 C Daymond Langkow 5' 10" 183 32 38 11 18 29 -1 10 2 0 2 92 12 $4,500,000 7 R 6' 3" 231 33 38 10 18 28 -12 32 5 0 3 80 12.5 $1,950,000 17 L Rene Bourque 6' 2" 213 26 38 14 10 24 9 50 0 1 0 105 13.3 $1,350,000 24 C Craig Conroy 6' 2" 193 37 38 5 18 23 4 18 0 1 0 42 11.9 $1,050,000 3 D 6' 3" 214 23 38 3 20 23 -8 40 2 0 0 129 2.3 $6,500,000 20 L Curtis Glencross 6' 1" 195 25 32 6 14 20 7 16 0 0 2 54 11.1 $1,200,000 25 R David Moss 6' 3" 200 26 38 11 8 19 -4 8 4 0 1 76 14.5 $550,000 33 D Adrian Aucoin 6' 2" 212 35 38 6 8 14 2 26 2 0 2 54 11.1 $4,000,000 5 D Mark Giordano 6' 0" 203 25 38 2 12 14 -2 27 2 0 0 53 3.8 $861,667 18 C 6' 0" 198 26 25 3 9 12 0 12 0 0 1 55 5.5 $1,816,667 16 C Dustin Boyd 6' 0" 187 22 32 8 4 12 -3 8 1 0 3 43 18.6 $741,100 6 D 6' 4" 207 30 38 1 7 8 -1 59 0 0 0 24 4.2 $3,600,000 28 D Robyn Regehr 6' 3" 225 28 36 0 5 5 9 31 0 0 0 39 0 $4,020,000 23 L Eric Nystrom 6' 1" 193 25 32 2 3 5 0 47 0 1 1 32 6.3 $687,000 19 C * 6' 4" 225 32 24 0 4 4 -3 14 0 0 0 22 0 $1,400,000 55 D 6' 2" 206 24 24 0 2 2 2 20 0 0 0 17 0 $500,000 29 C * 5' 11" 195 24 21 1 1 2 -4 75 0 0 1 9 11.1 $500,000 27 R Andre Roy 6' 4" 229 33 18 2 0 2 0 31 0 0 0 13 15.4 $550,000 4 D James Vandermeer * 6' 1" 211 28 16 0 2 2 -5 31 0 0 0 6 0 $2,300,000 Totals/Averages 6'2" 205.33 28.14 117 214 -8 611 33 3 1210 10.59% $48,626,434

*injured

# Goalie HT WT AGE GPI Min GAA W L OT SO SA GA Sv% G A PIM Salary 34 Miikka Kiprusoff 6' 1" 184 32 36 2127 2.82 23 10 3 3 1019 100 0.902 0 0 2 $5,833,333 1 Curtis McElhinney 6' 2" 193 25 3 163 3.31 0 1 1 0 93 9 0.903 0 0 2 $500,000 Totals/Averages 6' 2" 189 29 38 2290 2.92 23 11 4 3 1112 109 0 0 4 $6,333,333 TOTAL CAP NUMBER: $55,437,487 CAP SPACE: $1,262,513

Probable Lines Probable Pairings *space also affected by buyouts and injured players Left Wing Center Right Wing 3 Phaneuf 55 Pardy Injury List 13 Cammalleri 24 Conroy 12 Iginla 28 Regehr 33 Aucoin - Out (Ankle) 17 Bourque 22 Langkow 7 Bertuzzi 6 Sarich 5 Giordano Rhett Warrener- Out (Shoulder) Brandon Prust - Out (Jaw) 20 Glencross 18 Lombardi 25 Moss Wayne Primeau- Questionable (Foot) 23 Nystrom 16 Boyd 27 Roy

...IS THIS THE YEAR? The Committed Indian’s All-Ugly Team

* a special thanks to Adam and Matt for the idea

Defense-Brent Sopel, Chicago: More Defense-Sami Salo, Vancouver: in the creepy-looking than ugly cate- Bares a resemblance to aliens gory, “Catfish” resembles the guy who from one of those terrible alien B- followed around the Allman Bros. in movies they’d watch on MST3K. the 70’s. That and the word “pederass” Can’t you see him in a shiny silver keeps ringing around our heads. jumpsuit?

Goalie- Manny Fernandez, Boston: The perfect fit for a backstop in The Hub, as he looks like he knows all the words to More Than A Feeling, and has been on the wrong side of a beating from Fitzy in Quincy.

Right Wing-Pavel Datsyuk, Scum: DING Left Wing-Paul Stastny, Colorado: A bit FRIES ARE DONE DING FRIES ARE DONE rough on the kid, but he lands here due to WOULD YOU LIKE AN APPLE PIE WITH skin complexion that looks like a topo- THAT? WOULD YOU LIKE AN APPLE PIE graphical map of Mongolia. During close- WITH THAT? DING FRIES ARE DONE ups in HD you can actually see Ghengis DING FRIES ARE DONE..... Khan charging through the mountains.

Center and Captain-Rod Brind’amour, Carolina: Simply the ugliest man in the NHL. This picture doesn’t do it justice, but he’s the personal embodiment of the after- effect of Chernobyl.

Head Coach- Barry Trotz, Nashville: We think Maynard James Keenan named his side project, A Perfect Circle, after Trotz’s head. Look at that thing. He looks like a Bond villain, like Serge the Frog or something. You can see him holding the world hostage for $100 billion and pointing missles at Monaco or something. The Fight Card

HAWKS vs. FLAMES Fight Stats provided by Hockeyfights.com

GAME FIGHT TIME Bloody Black Bruised Just Analysis Nose Eye Ego Dancing 11-09-08 Brower v. 3rd. Brouwer’s first foray into NHL fisticuffs, Prust 2:01 acquits himself nicely with Calgary nutjob √ Prust. But Prust in a decision. 11-09-08 Walker v. 3rd. A long, drawn -out affair where nothing much Prust 15:11 happens, despite a couple spirited attempts. √ Like drunken sex. Or life. 3-16-08 Burish v. 1st. A straight-right from Burish rocks Nystrom to Nystrom 3:10 sleep, sending him down faster than the GOP. √ √ KO for our hero. 2-7-08 C. Adams v. 2nd. Like a cougar on the prowl on Rush St., Hale 12:07 Adams invites 3 Flames to dance on one √ shift, Hale finally accepts. Not much results. Draw.

What To Watch For: With this being the third meeting of the teams, we expect some encounters of the nasty kind tonight. Especially wth the opponent being the Flames, who are as pleasant to play against as a toothy blowjob. The Flames are 5th in the league in total fights, with Brandon Prust leading the way with 1 -- though he’s unlikely to play tonight. There’s still Roy, Nystrom, Moss, and a host of others who have danced with the Hawks before, and we’ve been waiting for Wiz to get off the mark pugilistically. Tonight’s the night, if he’s not worried too much about the knee. Power Play Penalty Kill Team Opp PPG PP% Team OPP PPG PP% Team TS PPGA PK% Team TS PPGA PK% DET 157 43 27.4 NYI 169 31 18.3 MIN 136 16 88.2 NYI 181 33 81.8 PHI 148 39 26.4 OTT 154 28 18.2 NYR 156 19 87.8 ANA 212 39 81.6 BOS 151 37 24.5 VAN 183 32 17.5 BUF 160 22 86.2 TBL 198 37 81.3 CHI 160 38 23.8 PIT 174 30 17.2 SJS 142 20 85.9 NJD 144 27 81.2 WSH 164 38 23.2 COL 166 27 16.3 CGY 167 24 85.6 PIT 172 33 80.8 MIN 149 34 22.8 NJD 132 21 15.9 CHI 149 24 83.9 PHX 155 30 80.6 SJS 174 39 22.4 CAR 193 29 15.4 LAK 161 26 83.8 WSH 184 36 80.4 ATL 164 35 21.3 DAL 160 24 15 NSH 185 31 83.2 STL 173 35 79.8 STL 165 35 21.2 FLA 150 22 14.7 BOS 147 25 83 DET 161 33 79.5 BUF 175 36 20.6 TBL 169 24 14.5 FLA 164 28 82.9 COL 154 32 79.2 ANA 151 31 20.5 NYR 179 25 14 CBJ 168 29 82.7 CAR 153 33 78.4 TOR 172 35 20.4 MTL 174 24 13.8 OTT 155 27 82.6 DAL 145 34 76.6 EDM 165 31 18.8 PHX 171 23 13.4 MTL 172 30 82.6 EDM 159 42 73.6 LAK 167 31 18.6 NSH 161 21 13 VAN 194 34 82.5 TOR 143 38 73.4 CGY 179 33 18.4 CBJ 169 18 10.6 PHI 192 34 82.3 ATL 163 44 73 Spotlight

Brave Brave Sir Robin Regehr

We have not been hesitant in the past to call Dion Phaneuf overrated, though we wouldn’t have hesitated to move on Sean Avery’s seconds either. Part of the reason we are nauseated at the coverage Phaneuf gets is that another true badass on the Flames blueline doesn’t get the press he deserves, and that would be Robin Regehr. Whereas Phaneuf is a minus-11 this season, and a negative in Behind The Net Ratings, Regehr is plus-10 and a plus in the Behind The Net Ratings. He doesn’t do much on the offensive side, which is probably why Phaneuf get all the attention. But he does keep the puck out his net, which is what a defenseman is supposed to do first and foremost (did you read that, 51 Phantom?). He’s positionally sounds, big, can be a right bitch to play against, and gets the pleasure of bailing out Adrian Aucoin’s ass whenever he’s shotgunning up the ice. Had it been Regehr that Toews was trying to go around instead of Phaneuf in overtime the last time these teams met, somehow we don’t think he would have had a red carpet to the crease, and someone in the upper deck wouldn’t be picking up Pha- neuf’s jock. KNOW THY ENEMY Once again, Matt from Five Hole Fanatics (fiveholefanatics.ca) It looks like it’ll be you and Vancouver for the division and The (battleofalberta.blogspot.com) chimes title, barring anything unforeseen. Does the Mats Sun- in to let us know what’s going on with the Southern Alberta din signing worry you at all? Squad. Depends how long it takes for Roberto’s groin to heal! I’ve had lots of good things to say about the Canucks since the Things are going a lot better for the Flames since last preseason, but even with Sundin, I don’t think they’re go- time we talked. What has been the biggest reason? ing far without the A or A+ goaltending that they can only If I had to pick one, I guess it’d be better goaltending. I’m get from Luongo. not convinced they’re actually playing better as a whole, but they’re winning *all* their games against teams they We’ve read a couple things about the tour-de-force should beat. Iginla showed on New Year’s at Eve against Edmonton. Should we be prepared for the Act of God Iggy? We know you were a big fan of Rene Bourque when I doubt it, although you can certainly expect him to be we did this previously, and his game has apparently better than the last time he was in Chicago (when it turned jumped up even more. He’s even leading your team in out he had the flu). When Iginla was on the ice 5-on-5, the points/min at even strength. What are you feeding him? Flames did not so much as attempt a single shot on goal; The Alberta air gives him strength? No idea. He’s probably that’s how bad Iggy was trounced by Bolland and Co. cashed a few more of his scoring chances than you’d have a right to expect, but the scoring chances are bought & We heard reports Cammalleri might be on the block paid for with hard work, usually against some of the other (though it was from Al Strachan who we wouldn’t trust team’s best players. If the Hawks still had him and Lang, to tell us tomorrow’s Monday). Is that right? Aren’t they’d be leading the Central, wouldn’t they? you thin enough on scorers as it is? Thin? Only compared to the 3 teams above them in the Dion Phaneuf is -11 and his Behind the Net is negative West standings (they’re about 7th in the NHL in Goals-per- too. What’s going on? (Not that we mind, we want our Game). I actually like Strach, but I have no idea if the tale Duncan Keith to get his Norris buildup.) is true. I have trouble envisioning how Sutter makes the The reality is that Phaneuf is probably a little better of- team better now by trading Cammy, even if you assume fensively than Keith, and not quite as good defensively (in that he won’t be re-signed come season’s end. terms of reads, positioning, etc.). His stats are just a bit unlucky right now, I think. He’s still getting his shots, and the Flames are outshooting the opp by a wide margin when he’s on the ice, so his goals and +/- should improve going forward.

Hawks-Flames: the Last 4

Dec. 19th, 2008: Hawks 3, Flames 2 Nov. 8th, 2008: Flames 1, Hawks 6 Captain Marvel undresses Phaneuf and leaves a Hawks maul a flu-ridden Calgary side. Both Kane rebound that Keith slams home for an overtime and Havlat have a goal and 2 assists. Captain Mar- winner. Kane and Bolland cancel out goals from vel finally tallies first of the year, and Hawks passing Bourque and Moss in one of best games of season. is as crisp as we’ve seen all season. Or decade.

Mar. 16th, 2008: Flames 4, Hawks 2 Feb. 7th 2008: Hawks 3, Flames 1 Completeing 4 victories for the road team in last Khabibulin hangs his voodoo sign over the Flames season’s series, the Flames score 3 unanswered in once again, making 28 saves. Keith and Sharp score the 2nd period, then hold on after being outshot for the Hawks, Yanic Perreault adds empty-netter. 17-5 in the third period. Loss puts major dent in Which is pretty much all he added last season. Hawks doomed playoff push. Hockey Sabermetrics CHICAGO Every game, we provide you with the Behind The Net numbers. These are at even strength, 5-on-5. Key: QUALCOMP- A measure of the quality of competition each player faces on the ice. Calculated by averaging +/-/60 for opponents on the ice against player. Example: Kane has faced the toughest opppostion at +.12 QUALTEAM- A measure of the quality of teammates each player plays with. Calculated by averaging +/-/60 for teammates on ice with player. TOI/60- Time on ice, per 60 minutes, that player spends on ice at full-strength. +/-ON/60- Team’s Plus/minus, per 60 minutes, while player is on ice. +/-OFF/60- Plus/minus of team while player is off ice, per 60 minutes. RAT- ING- +/-ON/60 subtracted by +/-OFF/60.

NAME QUALCOMP QUALTEAM TOI/60 +-ON/60 +-OFF/60 RATING Power Play Ratings This is a measure of a team’s goals for per 60 minutes of player Aaron Johnson -0.09 -0.21 11.36 3.17 0.28 2.89 being on the ice on the power play. Andrew Ladd 0.07 0.16 12.38 1.8 0.26 1.54 Player GFON/60 Player GFON/60 Martin Havlat -0.02 0.02 13.3 1.42 0.37 1.04 Cam Barker 12.45 Patrick Kane 8.28 Duncan Keith 0.07 0.18 18.93 1.27 0.26 1.01 Patrick Sharp 9.18 Dustin Byfuglien 8.14 Kris Versteeg 0.07 -0.11 12.84 1.24 0.43 0.81 James Wisniewski 8.97 Martin Havlat 7.76 Matt Walker -0.06 -0.2 12.5 1.25 0.55 0.71 8.61 Duncan Keith 7.58 Dave Bolland 0.07 0.4 11.82 1.02 0.56 0.45 Brent Seabrook 8.54 Kris Versteeg 7.32 Brent Seabrook 0.09 0.36 17.11 0.9 0.55 0.35 8.49 Troy Brouwer 0 -0.22 11.68 1.06 0.86 0.2 Dustin Byfuglien 0 0.15 12.13 0.77 0.63 0.14 Penalty Kill Ratings This measures how many goals a team gives up per 60 minutes the Patrick Kane 0.06 -0.12 14.01 0.73 0.66 0.08 player is on the ice on the PK. Colin Fraser -0.15 -0.55 7.66 0.67 0.68 -0.01 Player GA/60 Player GA/60 Jonathan Toews 0.05 0.12 13.27 0.39 0.8 -0.41 Matt Walker 4.73 Duncan Keith 6.4 Ben Eager -0.16 -0.35 7.8 0.5 0.98 -0.48 Patrick Sharp 4.88 Brent Sopel 6.43 Brian Campbell -0.03 -0.18 17.88 0.29 0.94 -0.65 Dave Bolland 4.94 Kris Versteeg 8 Craig Adams -0.21 -0.3 7.4 -0.74 0.55 -1.29 J. Wisniewski 4.97 Colin Fraser 8.1 James Wisniewski 0.09 0.09 15.19 -0.66 0.67 -1.32 Aaron Johnson 5.24 Jonathan Toews 8.16 Patrick Sharp -0.01 0.09 13.51 -0.25 1.08 -1.33 Brent Seabrook 5.54 Brent Sopel -0.11 0.01 10.89 -0.96 0.97 -1.93 Adam Burish 5.79 Cam Barker -0.04 -0.15 14.46 -0.66 1.75 -2.42

Corsi Rating Penalties Drawn Face-offs This measures how many shots are attempted for Player Face-Offs Taken FO% a team vs. how many are attempted against while vs. Taken a given player is on the ice, per 60 min. Pretty self-explanatory. A measure of penalties drawn vs. Jonathan Toews 560 53.2 taken, per 60 min. NAME CORSI Colin Fraser 370 48.6 NAME PDRAW/60 PTAKE/60 Dave Bolland 479 45.7 Martin Havlat 14.7 Adam Burish 2 1 Kris Versteeg 53 45.3 James Wisniewski 14.5 Craig Adams 1.8 0.7 Adam Burish 36 44.4 Andrew Ladd 12.6 Colin Fraser 1.6 0.9 Patrick Sharp 417 44.1 Dave Bolland 11.5 Dave Bolland 1.5 0.7 Patrick Kane 16 37.5 Duncan Keith 10.3 Kris Versteeg 1.5 1 Troy Brouwer 11 36.4 Brian Campbell 9.9 Patrick Sharp 1.5 1.1 Andrew Ladd 35 25.7 Dustin Byfuglien 9 Troy Brouwer 1.4 0.9 Martin Havlat 5 20 Brent Seabrook 8.8 James Wisniewski 1.3 1.3 Dustin Byfuglien 5 20 Patrick Kane 6.9 Patrick Kane 1.3 1.2 Total Rank: 26th 47.3 Matt Walker 6.7 Andrew Ladd 1.1 0.8 Kris Versteeg 6.2 Jonathan Toews 1 0.9 Jonathan Toews 5.4 Ben Eager 1 3 Ben Eager 4.5 Dustin Byfuglien 0.9 1.4 Cam Barker 4.5 Martin Havlat 0.8 0.6 Patrick Sharp 4.3 Brian Campbell 0.6 0.2 Troy Brouwer 4.1 Matt Walker 0.6 0.2 Craig Adams 2.6 Aaron Johnson 0.5 1.3 Aaron Johnson 2.4 Brent Sopel 0.5 1 Adam Burish 1 Brent Seabrook 0.3 1.1 Hockey Sabermetrics CALGARY Every game, we provide you with the Behind The Net numbers. These are at even strength, 5-on-5. Key: QUALCOMP- A measure of the quality of competition each player faces on the ice. Calculated by averaging +/-/60 for opponents on the ice against player. Example: Kane has faced the toughest opppostion at +.12 QUALTEAM- A measure of the quality of teammates each player plays with. Calculated by averaging +/-/60 for teammates on ice with player. TOI/60- Time on ice, per 60 minutes, that player spends on ice at full-strength. +/-ON/60- Team’s Plus/minus, per 60 minutes, while player is on ice. +/-OFF/60- Plus/minus of team while player is off ice, per 60 minutes. RAT- ING- +/-ON/60 subtracted by +/-OFF/60.

Power Play Ratings NAME QUAL- QUAL- TOI/60 +-ON/60 +-OFF/60 RATING This is a measure of a team’s goals for per 60 minutes of player COMP TEAM being on the ice on the power play. Rene Bourque 0.02 -0.04 11.94 1.49 -0.46 1.95 Player GFON/60 Player GFON/60 Curtis Glencross -0.01 0 11.19 1.04 -0.72 1.76 Mike Cammalleri 12.45 Mark Giordano 8.49 Jarome Iginla -0.03 -0.12 15.38 0.63 -0.23 0.86 Todd Bertuzzi 9.18 Adrian Aucoin 8.28 Robyn Regehr 0.02 0.15 16.53 0.83 0 0.83 Daymond Langkow 8.97 Matthew Lombardi 8.14 Adrian Aucoin 0 0.14 13.49 0.6 -0.16 0.76 Dion Phaneuf 8.61 Adam Pardy -0.05 -0.08 12.99 0.4 0 0.4 Jarome Iginla 8.54 Mike Cammalleri -0.03 0.08 12.29 0.27 -0.05 0.32 Andre Roy -0.08 -0.29 6 0.59 0.27 0.32 Penalty Kill Ratings Cory Sarich -0.03 0.11 13.8 0.23 0 0.23 This measures how many goals a team gives up per 60 minutes the Matthew Lombardi -0.01 0.18 11.85 0.21 0 0.21 player is on the ice on the PK. Craig Conroy -0.04 0.27 11.65 0.14 0.05 0.09 Player GA/60 Player GA/60 Mark Giordano -0.04 -0.17 12.79 0.13 0.05 0.07 Matthew Lombardi 1.26 Cory Sarich 5.14 Daymond Lankgow 0 -0.21 12.82 0.13 0.05 0.07 Eric Nystrom 2.09 Craig Conroy 6.17 Eric Nystrom -0.15 -0.3 7.08 -0.27 0.21 -0.48 Dustin Boyd 3.53 Dion Phaneuf 6.24 Dustin Boyd -0.03 0.13 9.97 -0.39 0.17 -0.56 Adrian Aucoin 4.09 Rene Bourque 6.98 Wayne Primeau -0.19 -0.35 7.05 -0.71 0 -0.71 Wayne Primeau 4.11 Curtis Glencross 10.2 David Moss -0.02 0.1 10.12 -0.64 0.29 -0.93 Robyn Regehr 4.15 Jim Vandermeer -0.12 -0.22 14.33 -1.31 -0.14 -1.17 Jim Vandermeer 4.21 Dion Phaneuf -0.06 0 17.8 -0.82 0.69 -1.51 Corsi Rating Face-offs This measures how many shots are attempted for Penalties Drawn a team vs. how many are attempted against while vs. Taken Player Face-Offs Taken FO% a given player is on the ice, per 60 min. Pretty self-explanatory. A measure of penalties drawn vs. Mike Cammalleri 142 61.3 taken, per 60 min. NAME CORSI Matthew Lombardi 216 55.6 NAME PDRAW/60 PTAKE/60 Wayne Primeau 23.4 Wayne Primeau 217 53 Brandon Prust 2.4 2.4 Brandon Prust 21.9 Jarome Iginla 231 52.8 Jarome Iginla 2.2 0.4 Mark Giordano 20.7 Craig Conroy 601 52.6 Craig Conroy 1.5 1.1 Daymond Lankgow 20.2 Curtis Glencross 40 47.5 Mike Cammalleri 1.4 0.7 David Moss 18.6 Daymond Langkow 463 46.4 Dustin Boyd 1.4 0.6 Adrian Aucoin 18.4 Dustin Boyd 242 45 Matthew Lombardi 1.3 0.6 Eric Nystrom 17.2 Total: Rank: 7th 51.3 Daymond Lankgow 1.3 0.3 Adam Pardy 13.3 Rene Bourque 1.1 1.4 Andre Roy 12.4 Todd Bertuzzi 1.1 1.4 Dion Phaneuf 12.3 Adam Pardy 1 1.8 Rene Bourque 12 Dion Phaneuf 1 0.9 Todd Bertuzzi 11.1 Curtis Glencross 0.9 1.4 Curtis Glencross 10.7 Mark Giordano 0.8 1.1 Mike Cammalleri 10.3 David Moss 0.8 0.6 Dustin Boyd 10.1 Robyn Regehr 0.7 1.1 Jarome Iginla 9.4 Wayne Primeau 0.7 1.1 Robyn Regehr 7.6 Eric Nystrom 0.5 0.5 Matthew Lombardi 7.6 Jim Vandermeer 0.3 1 Cory Sarich 6.8 Cory Sarich 0.2 1.5 Craig Conroy 6.5 Referee Stats For The Hawks

Referees 1st NHL Hawks Games Hawks PP’s Hawks Pens/Game Hawks PP/Game Hawks PK/ W L OTL Game PK’s Game 2 Fraser, Kerry 1980 2 9 14 11.5 4.5 7.0 2 0 0 3 Leggo, Mike 1997 1 2 1 3.0 2.0 1.0 0 0 1 4 McCauley, Wes 2003 4 10 11 5.3 2.5 2.8 2 1 0 5 Rooney, Chris 2000 ------6 Marouelli, Dan 1984 3 14 11 8.3 4.7 3.7 1 2 0 7 McCreary, Bill 1984 3 14 12 8.7 4.7 4.0 2 2 0 8 Jackson, Dave 1990 3 14 13 9.0 4.7 4.3 2 1 0 10 Devorski, Paul 1989 1 5 6 11.0 5.0 6.0 0 1 0 11 Sutherland, Kelly 2000 ------12 Koharski, Don 1981 1 6 7 13.0 6.0 7.0 1 0 0 13 O’Halloran, Dan 1995 2 12 10 11.0 6.0 5.0 1 0 1 14 LaRue, Dennis 1991 4 17 16 8.3 4.3 4.0 3 0 1 15 Auger, Stephane 2000 3 12 10 7.3 4.0 3.3 2 0 1 16 Shick, Rob 1986 1 2 2 4.0 2.0 2.0 0 0 1 18 Kimmerly, Greg 1996 4 20 21 10.3 5.0 5.3 3 1 0 20 Peel, Tim 1999 2 13 13 13.0 6.5 6.5 1 1 0 21 VanMassenhoven, Don 1993 2 6 4 5.0 3.0 2.0 1 0 1 23 Watson, Brad 1996 2 7 4 5.5 3.5 2.0 1 0 1 25 Joannette, Marc 1999 2 13 5 9.0 6.5 2.5 1 0 1 26 Martell, Rob 1996 1 3 1 4.0 3.0 1.0 1 0 0 27 Furlatt, Eric 2001 1 3 4 7.0 3.0 4.0 0 0 1 28 Lee, Chris 2001 1 5 4 9.0 5.0 4.0 1 0 0 29 Walsh, Ian 2000 ------30 Hasenfratz, Mike 2000 2 11 7 9.0 5.5 3.5 0 1 1 32 Kowal, Tom 2000 3 11 76 29.0 3.7 25.3 3 0 0 33 Pollock, Kevin 2000 2 7 9 8.0 3.5 4.5 1 0 1 34 Meier, Brad 1999 3 12 14 8.7 4.0 4.7 3 0 0 35 Warren, Dean 1999 ------36 Morton, Dean 2000 1 5 4 9.0 5.0 4.0 0 1 0 38 St Laurent, Francois 2006 2 14 15 14.5 7.0 7.5 1 0 1 39 Dwyer, Gord 2003 3 16 15 10.3 5.3 5.0 2 0 1 40 Kozari, Steve 2006 3 18 12 10.0 6.0 4.0 2 1 0 42 O’Rourke, Dan 1999 2 11 13 12.0 5.5 6.5 1 0 1 43 Pochmara, Brian 2006 ------45 St. Pierre, Justin 2003 4 19 15 8.5 4.8 3.8 2 0 2

NHL LEADERS Goals Points GAA SV%

Player Team G Player Team P Player Team GAA Player Team SV% 1 A. Ovechkin WAS 27 1 Evgeni Malkin PIT 60 1 CBJ 1.65 1 Steve Mason CBJ .939 2 PHI 27 2 A. Ovechkin WAS 53 2 M. Fernandez BOS 2.02 2 Craig Anderson FLA .937 3 Tomas Vanek BUF 26 3 Sidney Crosby PIT 50 3 Tim Thomas BOS 2.13 3 Tim Thomas BOS .932 4 BOS 24 4 Marc Savard BOS 49 4 S. Clemmensen NJ 2.17 4 M. Fernandez BOS .930 5 Zach Parise NJ 22 5 Zach Parise NJ 46 5 VAN 2.17 5 Jonas Hiller ANA .929 9 Patrick Sharp CHI 19 15 Patrick Kane CHI 41 12 N. Khabibulin CHI 2.41 9 N. Khabibulin CHI .923 ZZ Top Was Only Half Right It’s a phenomenon that most women are unaware of, and for ing the team back onto the ice to salute the United Center crowd for good reason. It’s not something that most guys are willing to admit, the first time against Edmonton. The overtime game winner against even to themselves. But it does exist, and every man reading this LA. I could go on for hours. article will know exactly what this phrase means: The Man-Crush. When I was bought back into Blackhawks fandom last year, Loosely defined, it is a completely heterosexual and unrequited there was only one sweater I wanted to sport. A number 10, with the appreciation for the words and actions of another man. I have a man- alternate “A”. I wear it proudly. crush on Patrick Sharp. So with the Hawks threatening for a playoff spot at the end This is not something that has coincided with the recent of last year, I went with a large group to the game honoring Tony- renaissance on Madison St. As far-fetched as it sounds, this is O, which naturally was a shutout thanks to an unbelievable save by something that has been over four years in the making, starting in the Khabibulin on Niklas Backstrom (the center, not the goalie). Patrick dilapidated halls of the Rosemont Horizon (that’s what it will always Sharp scored his 35th of the season on an evening honoring #35. be to me, regardless of corporate naming rights, but I digress). After the game, we stopped into Ketel One for a postgame pop or During the lockout year of the 2004-2005 season, I found seven, and after they finally got sick of our shit and closed up shop, myself attending Wolves games with a very great frequency -- partic- we hit the streets and started walking eastbound on Madison. ularly due to how close I lived to the arena -- as well as an insatiable need for professional hockey. Throughout the course of the season, I A black SUV rolled up. grew familiar with not only the Wolves’ players skills and tendencies, but also their opponents’. In the 2005 Finals, the Wolves The window rolled down, and before you could say “drive met the . by”, the driver of the vehicle yelled to us “Hey, nice jersey!” Con- The Phantoms boasted a stacked lineup fusion ensued, as several of us were in Hawks of some names that are now highly recognizable Matt’s Musings sweaters for the game. in NHL circles: Jeff Carter, Mike Richards, Joni “Who, me?!”, said Adam in his vintage Pitkanen, Antero Niitymaki, Gary Roberts’ Per- Griswold double-zero. sonal Punching Bag Ben Eager, and one Patrick “No, the Sharp jersey,” the driver rebut- Sharp. With such luminaries, it’s no wonder that ted. the Phantoms made short work of the Wolves to I re-examined the driver. Looking harder hoist the Calder, sweeping the Wolves four games than I initially had from my 20+ feet away van- to none. In the course of that series, I found my- tage point. The face then became familiar. self watching the play of a center named Patrick Sharp, who always seemed to be in the right Matt McClure The driver of the SUV? Patrick Sharp. position, skated hard, and was willing to shoot from anywhere. I said to myself and others, “That You could practically see little cartoon guy’s going to be a solid NHL player.” hearts bubbling over my head, the same way they did over Beavis When the NHL resumed operations the following year, and and Butt-Head’s for gang leader Todd, bringing the man-crush levels Uncle Dale was able to trade for Patrick Sharp for the bag of pucks to new and dizzying heights. known as , I knew immediately that it was a steal of a Time will tell if these emotions will wane, but given his and trade. While it was seemingly innocuous at the time, at present, it the team’s recent performances (Detroit games notwithstanding), goes down as one of Tallon’s shrewdest moves. Though I immedi- they are unlikely to diminish in the foreseeable future. ately declared the trade a win for the Hawks, that certainly was not So there you have it, hockey fans. If there’s anyone that’s validated by Sharp’s failure to dent the twine wearing the Indian deserving of a man-crush, it’s Sharpie. A scorer and a penalty killer, Head for nearly 20 games after joining the squad. a gentleman and a scholar. In spite of this initial goal drought, since becoming a mem- ber of the Hawks, it didn’t take long for him to become my favorite That, and he’s fucking gorgeous. Wait, did I type that? player on the team, exhibiting the same on-ice traits I had seen in the AHL. With every achievement, my man-crush intensified. Abso- You can find Matt in section 321 or in the smoking cattle-pen after lutely undressing Nicklas Lidstrom at the end of the 2006-2007 cam- each period. You can email him to confirm to him that he is gay at paign. The shorthanded goals. The hat trick against Detroit. Lead- [email protected]

The Committed Indian Email subscriptions at: www.secondcityhockey.com/section/committed-indi- an-subscript The Making of The Chicago Blackhawks

YEAR DRAFT TRADE FREE AGENT 2008-2009 Brian Campbell (BUF 6th round 1997 Cristobal Huet (LA 7th round 2001) Matt Walker (STL 3rd round 1998) Aaron Johnson (CLB 3rd round 2001) 2007-2008 Patrick Kane (1st round) Ben Eager (PHO 1st round 2002) from Brent Sopel (VAN 6th round 1995) PHI for Jim Vandermeer (FA PHI 2000) Craig Adams (HAR 9th round 1996) from CAR for future considerations. Andrew Ladd (CAR 1st round 2004) from CAR for Tuomo Ruutu (CHI 1st round 2001) 2006-2007 Jonathan Toews (1st round) Martin Havlat (OTT 1st round 1999) from OTT and Bryan Smolinski (BOS 1st round 1990) for Tom Preissing (FA SJ 2003), Josh Hennessy (SJ 2nd round 2003) and Michael Barinka (CHI 2nd round 2003) Kris Versteeg (BOS 5th round 2004) from BOS for (OTT 7th round 2001) 2005-2006 Patrick Sharp (PHI 3rd round 2001) Nikolai Khabibulin (WIN 9th round from PHI for Matt Ellison (CHI 4th 1992) round 2002) and CHI 3rd round pick 2006 2004-2005 Cam Barker (1st round) Dave Bolland (2nd round) Troy Brouwer (7th round) 2003-2004 Brent Seabrook (1st round) Colin Fraser (PHI 3rd round 2003), Corey Crawford (2nd round) Jim Vandermeer (PHI FA 2000) and Dustin Byfuglien (8th round) 2004 2nd round pick from PHI for Alex Zhamnov and 2004 4th round pick (WIN 4th round 1990) 2002-2003 Duncan Keith (2nd round) James Wisniewski (5th round) Adam Burish (9th round) info in part provided by hockeyreference.com GM HISTORY COACHES (2005-Present) Head Coach- Bob Pulford (Too Fucking Long, Too Many Fuck- Assistant Coach-John Torchetti ing Times) Assistant Coach-Mike Haviland Mike Smith (2001-2004) Assistant Coach- Marc Bergevin Bob Murray (1999-2000) Goaltending Coach-Stephane Waite The Making of The

YEAR DRAFT TRADE FREE AGENT 2008-2009 (LA 2nd round 2001) from LA for 2008 1st Todd Bertuzzi (NYI 1st round pick. round 1993) Rene Bourque (CHI Undrafted FA 2004) Curtis Glencross (ANA Undrafted FA 2004) (NYR 1st round 1999) Andre Roy (BOS 6th round 1994) 2007-2008 Adrian Aucoin (VAN 5th round 1992) and2007 7th round pick Cory Sarich (BUF 2nd from CHI for (SJ 1st round 1996) and Steve Marr round 1996) (?) Jim Vandermeer (PHI Undrafted FA 2000) from PHI for 2009 3rd round pick 2006-2007 Craig Conroy (MON 6th round 1990) from LA for Jamie Lund- mark (NYR 1st round 1999), 2007 4th round pick, and 2008 2nd round pick Wayne Primeau (BUF 1st round 1994) with (SJ 1st round 1998) from BOS for (PIT 8th round 1997) and (CAL 1st round 2001) 2005-2006 Brett Sutter (6th round) 2004-2005 Dustin Boyd (3rd Daymond Langkow (TB 1st round 1995) from PHX for Denis round) Gauthier (CAL 1st round 1995) and (CAL 1st round 1999) 2003-2004 Dion Phaneuf (1st Rhett Warrener (FLA 2nd round 1994) and Steve Reinprecht round) (LA Undrafted FA 2000) from BUF for (QUE 3rd round 1994) and Steve Begin (CAL 2nd round 1996) Mikka Kiprusoff (SJ 5th round 1995) from SJ for 2005 3rd round pick 2002-2003 Eric Nystrom (1st round) Mattew Lombardi (3rd round) Curtis McElhinney (6th round) 2001-2002 David Moss (7th round) 1997-1998 Robyn Regehr (COL 1st 1998), Rene Corbet (QUE 2nd round 1991), (QUE 1st round 1994), and 2000 2nd round pick from COL for Theo Fleury (CAL 8th round 1987) and (CAL 1st round 1994) 1995-1996 Jerome Iginla (DAL 1st round 1995) with Cory Millen (NYR 3rd round 1982) from DAL for (CAL 2nd round 1985)

GM HISTORY COACHES Asst. Coach: Rich Preston 2002-Present: 1996-2001: Al Coates Head Coach: Asst. Coach: Wayne Fleming 2001-2002: Craig Button Asst. Coach: Jim Playfair Asst. Coach: Rob Cookson The Hawks Record When...

Playing at home...... 11-2-4 Allowing a short-handed goal...... 1-1-1 Eddie O tells crew to “stop it right here!”.... 19-8-7 Playing on road...... 9-6-3 Taking 30 or more shots...... 16-5-4 Eddie O tells us D have the forwards and forwards have the D Scoring first...... 1-3-21 Taking less than 30 shots..... 4-3-1 during 4-on-4...... 19-8-7 Opponent scores first...... 9-5-5 Allowing 30 shots or more...... 10-4-5 We fantasize about shooting Eddie O.... 19-8-7 Shoot the puck bimbo scores...... 3-0-1 Allowing 30 shots or less...... 10-4-2 We’re ecstatic Pat Foley is back...... 19-6-7 Shoot the puck bimbo doesn’t score...... 8-1-3 100 Level doesn’t cheer for anthem. 10-1-4 Ice-girls wear skirts...... 4-1-3 Shoot the puck bimbo blows editors of Commited Indian..... 0-0-0 1st of a back-to-back...... 2-2-2 Ice-girls wear pants...... 3-1-0 ANYONE blows editors of Committed Indian ...... 0-1-0 2nd of a back-to-back..... 4-2-0 ice-girls wear shorts.... 4-0-1 Playing on a Monday...... 1-1-1 Opponent played night before.... 4-1-1 Ice-girls wear hideous pink outfit...... 1-0-0 Playing on a Tuesday...... 2-1-0 Seabrook gets a flat-footed penalty.... 6-2-3 Leading after 2 periods...... 15-1-3 Playing on a Wednesday...... 4-0-2 Burish takes a penalty...... 4-3-2 Losing after 2 periods...... 1-5-2 Playing on a Thursday...... 0-1-0 Keith takes a penalty...... 5-1-2 Tied after 2 periods...... 4-2-2 Playing on a Friday...... 4-2-1 Sharp takes a penalty...... 8-2-2 In overtime...... 2-2 Playing on a Saturday...... 3-2-3 Toews takes a penalty..... 6-2-2 In shootout...... 2-5 Playing on a Sunday...... 5-1-0 Havlat takes a penalty.... 4-0-0 Cam Barker plays...... 15-5-4 Savard changes lines during game... 1-2-1 Sopel takes a penalty...... 3-2-1 Cam Barker is in Rockford due to GM incompetence..... 3-2-3 Coach Q keeps lines as they are..... 19-6-6 Sopel looks 6 steps slow...... 7-5-5 Lacking a #2 center...... 20-8-7 Are out-muscled by opponent.... 7-8-3 51 Phantom blows a coverage...... 13-6-6 In 1-goal games..... 5-3-7 Outshoot opponent...... 13-4-2 Toews is trying too hard...... 3-6-2 In 2-goal games...... 5-3-0 Are outshot by opponenet.... 7-4-5 At least 1 fight in 300 Level... 0-0-2 In 3-goal games...... 4-1-0 Havlat shies from contact...... 16-6-6 No fights in 300 Level..... 10-1-2 In 4+ goal games...... 5-1-0 Patrick Kane scores...... 8-3-2 Playing Eastern Conference..... 3-2-1 Scoring 3+ goals..... 13-2-4 Jonathan Toews scores...... 3-0-3 Playing Western Conference..... 17-6-6 Scoring less than 3 goals...... 0-6-3 Martin Havlat scores...... 5-1-1 Playing Central Division...... 2-2-5 PA plays Ministry...... 0-0-0 Patrick Sharp scores...... 12-2-2 Playing Northwest Division.... 9-1-0 PA plays Modern Cock-Rock..... 11-2-4 Dustin Byfuglien scores...... 4-0-1 Playing Pacific Division 6-3-1 PA plays Classic Cock-Rock...... 7-1-4 Dustin Byfuglien turns down a hit...... 17-6-5 Playing Atlantic Division 1-1-0 PA plays P.J. Harvey...... 0-0-0 Andrew Ladd scores...... 6-0-1 Playing NASCAR Division 0-1-0 Frasier fights...... 5-2-1 Dave Bolland scores...... 5-0-1 Playing Northeast Division 2-0-1 Burish fights...... 4-1-0 Adam Burish scores...... HA! Playing in October.... 4-3-3 Seabrook fights..... 0-0-0 51 Phantom scores...... 3-1-1 Playing in November.... 6-3-3 Barker fights...... 0-0-1 Duncan Keith scores...... 2-3-0 Playing in December...... 10-1-1 Buff fights...... 0-0-2 Brent Seabrook scores...... 4-0-0 Playing in January..... 0-1-0 Sharp fights...... 0-0-0 Aaron Johnson scores.... 2-0-1 Playing in February..... 0-0-0 Eager fights...... 6-0-1 Troy Brouwer scores.... 4-0-0 Playing in March...... 0-0-0 On Comcast...... 15-3-4 Scoring a Power Play goal...... 16-3-6 Playing in April...... 0-0-0 On WGN...... 5-3-3 Not scoring a Power Play goal... 4-5-1 UC plays really stupid goal song..... 11-1-4 On Vs...... 0-1-0 Allowing a Power Play goal...... 7-5-7 Huet’s five-hole open like Lindsay Lohan’s..... 2-5-2 On NBC.... 0-1-0 Not Allowing a Power Play goal...... 13-3-0 Getting obliterated on face-offs...... 7-6-4 Judd Sirott swears a lot off-air 20-8-7 Scoring a short-handed goal...... 2-1-0 Are even close on face-offs..... 13-2-3 Editor of Committed Indian bleeds on programs...... 1-0-0

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