SPECIAL REPRINT ISSUE!

Those who BUDDHA WITH A welcome LIGHT BULB

By Terry Carr death have

very now and then I have Chinese are becoming assimilated, only tried it E what you call a mystical ex- and maybe they think the light perience, like. bulb is appropriate to a statue of from the This one happened in New Buddha, the Enlightened One.” York’s Chinatown, when my wife “Aaargh!” said Walter. There’s ears up. Carol and I went down there to eat no reasoning with him. one night. Walter Breen, an in- But as I say, he’s a cynic. I dis- Wilson Mizner telligent but cynical friend of ours, card cynicism whenever it raises Wilson Wilson Mizner Mizner was with us. It was a night like any its serpentine head, because after other in Chinatown: the narrow all it is nothing but a destructive streets were crowded with Occi- force undermining the founda- dentals squinting at all the neon, tions of our society. If by chance the Orientals sat on steps reading our world stands on quicksand, I The New York Times, the cops would rather not be told; the mud cruised by looking wary, and the might tickle my toes and distract telephone booths had pagoda-like me from higher things. roofs atop them. Personally, I was deeply moved We stopped in front of a by the complacent image of the Chinese curio shop. It was closed Buddha smiling beneath his elec- at this late hour, but there was a tric aura. I think it may signify a light in the display window. There cultural breakthrough of tremen- was this Buddha statuette, see, dous importance, a plateau finally about a foot high, and it had a light reached on which spiritual and bulb in its head. practical values will at last come “Aaargh!” said Walter. “That’s together and blend in peace and about the most disgusting thing harmony. For too many millen- I’ve ever seen! A Buddha, with a nia have we worshipped our gods light bulb!” in darkness. The murky mists of We looked more closely at it. futility crouch around the feet of It was otherwise a fairly standard the godhead, like smog on Calvary. Buddha, sitting in the lotus posi- It is time that we answer the tion with hands in lap. There was pragmatic question which is at a small pan or something in the the end, the essence of all man’s hands. philosophy: What’s in it for me? “What’s that?” I wondered. I envision a new kind of Christ- “An ashtray?” figure; I see the Lamb of God at “No, I think it has Mexican last becoming a ewe, and giving jumping beans in it,” Carol said. milk instead of blood. We must We walked on. “The think is,” bring Christ into our homes in a Walter said, “I can imagine some truly real sense. No more the dead- dumpy middleclass housewife end idolatry of the Figure on the from Atlantic City coming by and Cross: henceforth we shall use His seeing that and thinking it’s just crown of thorns for a coat rack. too, too wonderful, and rushing And that isn’t all; for, a cul- in to buy it. It’s been in the win- tural revolution — to be truly FUGGHEAD Number Five - The dow for months now; I don’t see significant — must embrace the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioxidants, is world, and be embraced by it in published by Dan Steffan, 2015 NE 50th why some idiot hasn’t bought it.” Avenue, Portland, OR 97213 and available “Maybe they won’t part with turn. It is perhaps chance that for trade or editorial whim. JULY 2016 it, “ I said. “Maybe it’s the house- this revolution has begun in our [email protected] hold altar. I mean, after all, the own country, but having seen the

seed glowing atop Buddha’s head very nearly as always, done with kind, the mystic and masticate, we must carry it forth and plant it the loving care and consummate the eternal and pragmatic Yin and in other parts of the world. Per- artistry of the East. But no longer Yang of our existence. . . the new haps it is a fitting task for our shall it be merely a spiritual figure, Vishnu will also serve as a Lazy Peace Corps? an idol, a dead end in itself. No. Suzan. I see, for instance, a statue of In keeping with the meeting of It is only the Beginning. the four-handed Vishnu. It is the spirit and the belly of man- Terry Carr, August 1963

cannibals getting crushed by Mack

GOODBYE, MR. STATHIS, trucks, do you? What could I say

to them? That I would appreciate or, How I Brought Truth to a it if they all ran outside and stuff-

ed themselves down the nearest Savage Tribe of Heathen Pygmies sewer?”

By Lou Stathis Old Dr. Glickstern, the prin- t all started (as have countless my yen for magazine publishing, ciple, laughed indulgently and I other tales of this sort) with a my obsession with science fiction, turned to my mother. “Great battered, grease-stained mimeo- and some gibberish about my un- sense of humor your son has. Heh, graph machine. In this instance it deniable forthcoming success as heh, heh.” My mother glared at was on the occasion of a casual a writer. Wind of this garbage me. There was no way out. I was remark by my mother to the effect drifted to the ever vigilant ears of trapped, snagged, pinched, bag- that the local elementary school, the school’s principal, who corner- ged, or whatever you care to call where she worked as a lunchroom ed my mother that afternoon for it. I tried pleading, groveling, lady, was planning to dispose of a more details. The result was a binding arbitration, even the working A.B. Dick mimeograph. deal between these two unscru- trusted old tantrum, but nothing It seemed that they had stumbled pulous schemers with me as the worked. across some unsquandered funds helpless victim. And so it was that at one somewhere which they were now I was informed, now that I had o’clock on the appointed day I furiously trying to get rid of be- the provocative metallic taste on found myself climbing the stone fore the cash could be reclaimed my tongue, that in exchange for steps of PS 154, shaking pitifully by the state at the end of the fiscal the mimeo I was to appear before and wondering what sort of year. First on their Christmas list a class full of toothless sixth horror awaited me. The school was a spiffy new mimeo. Hearing graders and give them all a talk was a hulking, brick red eyesore this, I suggested to my mother about the wonders of science smeared with soot, and sported a that she encourage them to throw fiction. I laughed at the absurdity cornerstone that read 1926. Which the old one out into the trunk of of the request. “You want me, a was a lie, I knew, from some wild her car. This was accomplished pathological kid hater to stand up stories I had heard dealing with with much urging (it is apparently in front of thirty-three little savages the last inquisition. Pulling open against the New York Board of and talk to them? You can’t be the doors I encountered what Education rules to give anything serious.” would be the first in an endless to anybody), and after a few quick Oh, but they were. This was series of sensations that hit my double hernias it was mine. That’s such a good class, they insisted. war weary memory like a blow- when all the trouble started. Well behaved, interested in learn- torch, and reawakened long dor- I had just enough time to ing, attentive, polite, courteous. mant flashbacks into my hideous stroke its dented, dull gray body In fact, it was to be the top class pre-adolescent period. It was the and get that aching hunger down of the grade, just like the one I smell, or maybe I should say, the deep in my loins when I was told, was in when I was a pudgy little stench. It drifted heavily from the sadistically, that there were strings twelve year old. I laughed and hot lunchroom on the first floor attached. It turned out that when saw flashing before my eyes and brutally assaulted my nose. my mother had put in the request scenes from those days of fierce Murky split-pea soup, government for the old machine, everyone spitball fights, chalk wars, and surplus peanut butter, bubbling wanted to know what she planned sub-desk expeditions for shots of cauldrons of brown fart-beans to do with it. Eagerly seizing the Eleanora Stubinsky’s underpants. drowning in a vile sauce like opportunity to blibber away about I was beginning to sweat. rubber cement, pale boiled hot her exceptionally gifted and multi- “Hold it,” I said shakily. “You dogs, rusty sauerkraut, paper- talented son, she proceeded to don’t want someone who has wet wrapped squares of odd flavored give them an entire story about dreams about brainless knee high ice cream, soggy Wonder Bread

2 and minuscule containers of con- Not exactly my field. My eyes Daniels, by name) launched into gealed milk. My God! I hadn’t wandered slowly around the room. the buildup for my act. She intro- gagged on that stink in almost ten There were bulletin boards duced me, with a flourish, as “Mr. yea rs! I had lived with that smog papered with top graded spelling Stathis,” whereupon I headed up six hours a day for six years, some- tests, meticulously scrawled book to the command position with times even packing the stuff down reports, smudged math exams trepidation and a bag full of “visual my throat, and I had completely and a few examples of mongoloid aids” (as we call them in the busi- forgotten what it smelled like. I artwork. Little had changed, I ness). Lots of fidgeting and a few was in a bad dream reliving my noted, as 9 out of the 10 were by scattered giggles. I put my bag traumatic childhood, locked over- females. I scanned over towards down on the floor, readied my night in a musky movie theater the window and realized with a notes and looked out at the crowd. that was showing highlights of my pang of nostalgia in my gut, that They all stared at me blankly, a early years to an applauding crowd this classroom was the same damn few were drooling and one kid of baboons. hole that I was in way back in old toward the rear kept slapping the I walked dreamily into the girl next to him on the office and actually looked over the back of the head. counter that then seemed to be I started laconically as towering as the Great Wall of on my prepared speech, China. There I was given a pass to which dealt in very go to Room 303 where the ordeal boring terms with the was to occur. The stairways were history of science as I remembered them, cages of fiction. I had worked thick steel mesh and foggy safety on an outline the night glass, but the red handrails had before, trying hard not been lowered to knee level. The to talk down to them, hallways were narrow, still paint- something I had always ed in the institutional gray-green hated about my elemen- and echoed with the moronic bel- tary school teachers. I lows of cultured young mouths. was attempting, as much On the walls were faded old prints as possible to treat (the same faded old print. . .) of un- them as my equals. polluted pastoral scenes, paired They seemed vaguely with artfully slopped stick figures Lou Stathis,1979 interested so I rambled with huge smiles and inch-thick on, touching on hairs. class 6-2. The view was unmistak- definitions, classifications and Room 303 was in the corner, able as I had studied it daily for historical developments. I asked and with a meek knock I pushed ten months. I was sick. an obvious question once in a the door open. Thirty rounded The rap session was proceed- while and let them have their say. heads swiveled in my direction and ing nicely with fully half of the Usually they added nothing. registered instant bewilderment. little devils stabbing the air with After about ten minutes of The old monkey-faced teacher their skinny arms, writhingly this I realized that I was losing (whom I dimly remembered from impatient to relate some piece of them. Checking the class I found my early years) hustled over to me gibberish that seemed terribly im- maybe 2 0r 3 pairs of beady eyes and whispered, “You’re a little portant to the woman leading were still watching me, and those early and the class is having a rap things. Quite a few eyes were dir- were with baffled amusement. session. Could you wait in the ected towards me, accompanied The rest were either fixed on the back for a few minutes until they’re by some giggles and expressions window, contemplating their ready?” I nodded my head, smiled plainly saying, “What’s that pony- desks, fiddling with their zippers, at her updated vocabulary and tailed asshole doing in our class- or just sleeping. I had no idea headed for a midget chair in one room?” I smiled pleasantly, in my what to do. Glancing ahead at the of the back corners of the room. best Fagin-like manner, and remainder of my notes I informed I sat down and checked things readied myself for the few deadly myself that I was being excruciate- out. A rather nice looking female, spitballs that I knew were being ingly boring, and would continue about 25 or so, was sitting at the prepared. In the meantime, my to be until the end if I followed front of the class with a vapid armpits furiously began to lubri- my plan. I zapped back about ten smile imprinted on her face. She cate themselves. years, put myself in one of those was talking in a squeaky voice The bubbling female finished splinter-edged seats and yawn- about “communication tools.” up, and the old teacher (Mrs. ingly watched the jerk drone away 3

at the front of the room. No good. (National Book Award winners I wanted desperately not to put hold a hell of a lot of water with By Ted White these pinheads to sleep. The gospel mousey old elementary school t was a side street over on the must not fall on deaf ears. teachers). I East Side. I found the address I junked the trash about tech- That concluded my guest shot and then looked at my scrawled nology, philosophy and JJ Pierce’s at PS 154. Slowly I recovered the note again. It said "basement," so Eschatology, and groped for some- books from the floor at the back I pushed open the little gate in the thing that would bring them back of the room and wrestled the art- fence and took the metal steps to life. I passed out some of the work from some rather determined down to the door under the front books I had brought along, ones pairs of grimy hands. As I left and stoop. I pushed a doorbell but- I’d picked for their particularly said congenially, “So long, kids,” a ton, but it looked like it had been nifty covers (to me, that is, like few muffled replies of “Goodbye, painted over too often, so I knock- Ringworld, some of the Ballan- Mr. Stathis” came back, along with ed on the door several times. tine Pohl/Kornbluth novels, a few the usual supply of thoughtful The woman who opened the Freas Analogs, and a colorful giggles. door was not at all what I'd ex- DAW or two.) To those I added a I consider the whole mess a pected. She was tall, with short- John Carter of Mars comic, a flop, mainly because I don’t think cut dark hair and a questioning bunch of NASA space pictures I did anything for those kids. I’m smile. She wasn't pretty, but she that I had lying around, and some still not sure how to relate to sixth wasn't plain either. And her voice, Schoenherr artwork that I’d pick- graders, and what to say in order as she invited me in after I identi- ed up at Noreascon. That livened to get through to them? I’m posi- fied myself, had just the hint of a things up a bit, until I told them tive my lecture was a waste, and southern drawl. that I was giving them an assign- I’d bet that not one of them re- I followed her into a dark ment. A groan. I said that I want- members a word I said. I wouldn’t hallway and almost immediately ed an original SF story from them. blame them, either. Hell, if I was through the door on my left, into I was deluged by asinine sitting there with them I probably what I guessed was the small questions like, “How long do you would have been the first to hit apartment's living room. It too want it?” and “Can I do two?” and the desk with my forehead. So was dark, but cozy. The windows “What if my finger hurts?” and what do I do, friends? How does high on the street wall were cur- “Can I go out to take a wheez?” one get through to a pack of tained, but no light came through and “How old are you?” and, in- Neanderthal midgets? I really them and I guessed they'd been evitably, “What if I don’t want to don’t know. painted over. She gestured to the do it?” I added, quickly, “If you In spite of all my condescend- sofa against that wall, and I sat. can’t write, then draw me a pic- sion there exists deep within me She pulled up a three-legged stool ture or something.” Saved. The this unexplainable nauseating and sat facing me. Only a low scramble for the paper closet desire to convey to those helpless table lamp on an end table to my started with a few kids getting kids some of the magic and excite- right cast any light. trampled under a cascade of ment that I’ve discovered reading I looked around. Walls of sneakers. SF. Science fiction has probably bookcases, filled with books, “HOLD IT!” I yelled. “I’m giv- been the greatest thing to happen magazines, and record albums. ing you a week to do this. I want to me, so why can’t I make it even My sense that I was in a cozy cave you to all go home and think about better by getting some unblem- was heightened when I noticed it. Come back next Friday with ished young brains hooked on it the wall to my right. The table something good. Got it?” I then and stretch their minds irrepar- lamp illuminated the browned put a list of topics on the black- ably? So how does one do it? Tell plaster wall, on which someone board in case their feeble minds me, because it bothers the hell out had created a startlingly realistic couldn’t come up with anything. of me. And none of this traditional cave painting — a bison-like Next to that I scribbled my crap, either, because I went that animal, with spears sticking in it. “Recommended Reading List” of route years ago, and I know only "I did that," she said, laughing. Heinlein, Asimov, del Rey, Bur- too well how I turned out. "Everyone says I live in a cave, so roughs, and Ursula Le Guin Lou Stathis, December 1973 I decided to decorate it as a cave. Do you like it?" "Very impressive," I said. "We could be in France." She laughed again. We were in Manhattan, New York City. Then her expression sobered. "I need to explain this job to you. I don't

4

Another phone number was CASE No. 770: O ctober 13, 1961 for something called Regency From The Files of Ronald Archer, Books, but when I called it the woman who answered said, "Blake Private Investigat or Pha rmaceuticals," which threw me for a moment. But I asked for my think it's the sort you're used to." expenses, and they wouldn't be guy. "I'm sorry," she said. "He's I could tell that already. cheap. "I'll give you some phone no longer here. Would you like to numbers out there," she said. speak to Ayjay?" er name was Shirley, and "Maybe you'll have better luck "Who's that?" H she'd called my office that with them than I did." Then she "He's the new editor." morning. She explained that she explained to me why she needed My guy's replacement? "Sure," couldn't leave her apartment and to talk to this guy. I said. "Let me talk to him.” asked me to meet her there. "It's "I'm a writer and an editor," He was no help at all. First he not like I'm an invalid and can't Shirley told me. And maybe she wanted to know who I was, where leave," she told me on the phone. was an artist on the side, I guess- I was calling from, and what I knew "But I'm expecting several impor- ed. "There's this one magazine I about him. He was all questions tant phone calls and maybe a do which is kinda unusual. It and no answers. He seemed messenger, and I just don't know comes out once every five years, strangely suspicious of my call and when they'll come." on a rigid schedule — November, of me. “Who put you up to this?” I'd asked her if she wanted to every five years. Here it is, Octo- was his repeated response to my come to my office tomorrow or attempts to ask him questions. the day after, but she'd explained Then he growled and hung up on that all her days were like this, and me. I'd agreed to come to her place, I called back and got his recap- scrawling down the address on tionist again. “Mr. Ayjay didn’t my notepad. "Basement," she'd work out too well,” I told her. “Is said. "Separate entrance. Don't there anybody else there I can go upstairs. Don't use the front talk to?” door." And I hadn't. She put me through to a man I'm Ron Archer, and I'm a pri- who said, “This is Earl,” in a rich vate detective. Don't look at me southern accent. “How can I like that. I've never been on TV help you?” Once again I explain- and nobody is going to make a ed who I was trying to find. movie about my life. I do divorce “He’s not here any more,” work and serve papers, mostly. Earl told me. “Palace coup, you It's a living. I knew Shirley's ber, and an issue is due next know what I mean? He brought neighborhood, because she lived month. He started a serial in the in Ayjay as his assistant — they around the corner from the Five last issue, and his next installment were old friends — and Ayjay Spot and the Jazz Gallery, and I is due, and I don't have it yet." went to the owner, the boss man, liked to hang out in those clubs "A serial — with installments and took his job. The irony was nights I wasn't working. every five years?" I asked. that he was planning to leave in a "I want to hire you to find a I guess I didn't keep the skep- month or two, and he was groom- man," Shirley told me. "He's sup- ticism out of my voice, because ing Ayjay to replace him, but Ayjay posed to live in Evanston, Illinois, her response was a sharp one. "I couldn’t wait. It got pretty nasty, but my last letter to him came don't ask you to understand why the day he came in and found back, undelivered. I've heard this is important to me," she said. Ayjay sitting at his desk, all his rumors that he might be here, in "But I'm willing to pay your going own stuff already packed in a box New York right now, maybe for a rate if you can find him. The on the floor by the door. Loud week or two, and then he's driving question is, can you?" words were spoken. I was down- out to California. I need to talk to I could and I would. stairs and I could hear more than him before he leaves." I wanted to. I mean, I’m still I told her that finding some- got the phone calls to Evan- working here . . . .” one in New York City was some- I ston out of the way first. My “Apparently he’s left Evan- thing I could do, but if I had to man's home phone was discon- ston,” I told Earl. “His phone’s make any trips to Chicago — Evan- nected. Illinois Bell told me that been turned off.” ston was a suburb of Chicago — service had been cancelled, the He laughed. “Yeah, he and I'd have to charge her my bill paid. Moved out. Gone. Billie and the kid, they’ve split.”

5

“Split?” not answered her phone. I returned the cat to the couch “Gone. Left. Amscrayed. I was out of breath by the and shook his proffered hand. "I'm Packed everything into their car time I'd climbed four flights of looking for a man," I said. I told and pulled up stakes.” stairs and knocked on the apart- them his name. "I heard you “Where to? Do you know?” ment door. It was opened by a might know — " “You’re calling from New stunningly good looking slender "Oh, they were here just yes- York City?” young woman, who ruined her terday," the woman said. "You “Uh-huh.” looks by frowning at me. "Yes? should've told me — on the phone, “Well, watch the tunnels and What do you want?" she asked I mean. I coulda told you and bridges — the approaches to the coldly. I have that effect on some saved you the trip." city. Watch for an overloaded car people, unfortunately. I am not a Her husband amplified: "They with a short man, a big blonde, handsome man. just drove in from Chicago. It's and a 12-year old kid. They’re I told her I'd called earlier, and really sad. They're breaking up." coming your way.” I asked if her husband was back. He smiled ruefully. "I introduced “To New York, you say?” Her face brightened. "Oh, sure. them to each other just — well, “Yup. You got it.” Come on in. He's writing some- not much over a year ago." “Watching the bridges and thing right now, but...." "They gave us a bunch of kit- tunnels isn’t too practical an ap- I followed her down a short chen stuff," the young woman said. proach for me,” I said. “Got any hallway and into what was ob- "He gave me a suit," he add- ideas where they’d be heading?” viously the living room. Beyond a ed. "You wouldn't think of it fit- Earl gave me three names and pair of closed French doors I ting, but our arms and legs are wished me luck. One of those could hear the sounds of typing pretty much the same length. It's names was my client’s. his torso that's shorter." "They're heading out to Los oth of the other names were, Angeles," she said. "Driving out B I saw when I cross-checked in that car." their phone numbers with their "Hope they make it," he said. addresses, located on the same "Have they left already?" I block of Christopher Street in the asked. Village. 95 and 107 Christopher He shook his head. "I don't Street. I took the 7th Avenue IRT think so. Not yet. He has busi- local from my office down to Sheri- ness here to wrap up. See his dan Square. That was where agent, see a couple editors — " Christopher Street crossed 7th "He's a writer?" I asked. "Or Avenue. It was one of the older an editor?" and nicer parts of the Village. and see into a room with a desk "Both," they chorused to- There was an A&P at the corner of and a man with his back to me at a gether. The young man ampli- Christopher and 7th, and next to typewriter. A small tiger-striped fied. "We're all writers and editors. it a little deli where I scarfed down cat looked up at me from the liv- Both professionally and fannishly." a quick lunch. ing room couch and then stretch- "'Fannishly'?" I asked. Heading west on Christopher ed itself and rose and leapt to the "It's too complicated to ex- I crossed Bleeker Street and there floor to come over and sniff my plain," he said, shrugging. "We're was 95 Christopher — a tall luxury shoes, after which it rubbed itself all science fiction fans, too. And apartment building, with a door- against my ankles. I reached he writes science fiction, pr0- man. That was where Miss Solo- down to pet it, and it immediately fessionally." mon lived. A few doors further began purring. "Do you, too?" west was 107 — a more typical "That's Aphrodite," the woman "I'd like to. I've started a tenement building with no door- explained. "She's a slut." She grin- couple of stories. But right now man and no elevator. The guy ned at me. "She wants you to pick I'm a journalist. I write for jazz who lived there had an apartment her up." I did, and the cat's pur- magazines — like Metronome." on the fifth floor — out of six. ring got louder. I'd heard of Metronome, but I I’d decided to try him first. I’d At that point one of the French usually read Down Beat. "So if I called from my office and his wife doors opened and a young man picked up a copy, I'd find you in it?" said he’d gone out but she expec- entered the room. He was aver- "You sure would. I'm all over ted him back within minutes. “He age height, skinny, and fully that magazine. I do a column, I just went to the A&P for some bearded. "Hi," he said. "I see do record reviews, club date Pepsis,” she told me in a young, you've already met the important reviews, book reviews — " girlish voice. Miss Solomon had people here." "What about the man I'm 6 looking for? Is he in Metronome for all I knew, Miss Solomon Bailey cut on a sampler album of too?" greeted every stranger this warm- vintage jazz when the door flew "No," he said. Then he picked ly. So I told her why I was there. dramatically open. up a copy of a digest-sized maga- "He's here," she said. "Oh, "Wow! Shit! That's Mildred zine sitting on a coffee table. It not right now, but he's staying Bailey!" exclaimed a short wiry was an issue of Amazing Stories. here." She gestured at the suit- man who seemed to explode into He pointed to the cover, and there cases. "Billie and her son are stay- the room and fill it with his pres- was my quarry's name in big let- ing at her mother's place in ence. "That's John Lewis's band, ters on the cover. "This is where Queens, but he'll be back here, right?" you'll find him." sooner or later." "Actually, no," I said. "John "Yeah, well, that's all very well, I looked at the suitcases. They Kirby's." I rose from the couch, but I need to find him in person. looked packed and ready to go. glad there were no obvious signs Any idea where he is now?" She answered my unasked ques- on either Miss Solomon or myself The young woman said, "You tion. "He's totally organized. of what we'd spent the previous could try Linda's." Every morning he packs up every- couple of hours doing, and thrust "That would be Linda Solo- thing. Says he doesn't want to be my hand out and introduced myself. mon? Just up the street?" in my way." I realized the smaller His grip was very firm. Close "Yeah," her husband said. fourth suitcase wasn't. It was a up he wasn't more than half my "He used to live in that building. portable typewriter. size, but he seemed bigger. It was Back before the job in Evanston. "He use that thing while he's the energy that seemed to emanate He stayed with us for a month or here?" I asked. from him, all but shooting off so and then he bribed the door- "As a matter of fact, yes. He sparks. And he talked a mile a man and got an apartment there. minute. That's how he met Linda. She's "Kirby? Nah! Gotta be Lewis. also a writer." I know it's John Lewis! Lemme "A very good looking writer," see the album jacket, sweetheart." his wife added. "That's pre-World War Two," I said, mildly. "John Lewis wasn't he certainly was. I gave her working professionally before the S name at the desk in the lobby war. Got his start in the Army and she was home and said I band." could come up. An elevator took "What? Are you sure? Nah, me up to her floor and if I was can't be. Lemme see that, honey." breathless when she opened the He grabbed the jacket out of Miss doo r, it had nothing to do with Solomon's hands and started scan- the trip up. wrote a complete story on it last ning the small print on its back Miss Solomon was in her early night. He insisted on reading it to eagerly. "Gotta be John Lewis, thirties — older by nearly ten years me, every three or four pages, while gotta be! Lessee, where is it? I'll than the young couple down the he was writing it." She gave me a bet you anything!" Then, his atten- street — and wore her dark hair to rueful grin, like I should sympa- tion focused, his face fell as he her shoulders. She was dressed in thize with her, and then admitted, read the liner notes for the Mildred what I can only call elegant casual "It was pretty good, actually." Bailey track. "Well, fuck! I guess — simple but expensive clothes. "Science fiction?" I asked. you're right...." Her apartment matched her attire. "No," she said. "It was called His clouded expression cleared. Only a set of four unmatched suit- — what was it called? 'Robert "So, okay," he said. "You wanted cases in her foyer clashed with the White for the Greater Good,' I to see me, and here I am. What's décor. think it was. Contemporary. Race it about?" She looked me up and down. relations, you know?" I told him. In a dramatic "You'll have to forgive me," she "So what do you suggest?" I gesture he smote his brow and ex- said with a coquettish smile. "I've asked. "I come back here later. . . ?" claimed, “Oh, damn! I knew I never before met a real private "Or you could wait around," was forgetting something! I pro- detective. You don't look much she said. "Could I get you some- mised her, too! Well, hell. I’ll like the ones on TV." thing to drink?" have to do something about that. For one split second I enter- Listen, you doing anything later? tained the notion of suggesting we was still there two hours later Tonight, I mean?” go out for a drink. Then I remem- I when my man used a key to I’d been mulling some ideas, bered that I was years older and enter Miss Solomon's apartment. but nothing had jelled yet, so I that this was just another job. And We were listening to an old Mildred shook my head. 7

“I’m going to a party, just living room, and people were wan- right, carbon's in the second drawer." down the street.” He named the dering through both rooms, talking "That'll do me." And with that, young couple I’d visited at 107 over the music blaring from a hi- the party still swirling around Christopher. “They’re throwing a fi system. Most of them were him, my guy settled in at the type- small impromptu party for me. young — teens or just post-teens writer on the desk, assembled a This is my last night in town. To- — and most of them were male. sandwich of paper and carbons, morrow I’m heading west. You In addition to our hostess I saw rolled it into the Underwood come to that party and I’ll give Miss Solomon and a middle aged manual, and began to write. He you the piece for Lee.” woman who was talking animat- wrote in quick staccato bursts, his “‘Lee’?” I asked. edly with my man. fingers flying on the keyboard, the “Lee — Shirley — same per- He looked up at my entrance only punctuation his occasional son.” His face grew sober, intent. — I was not only probably the bark of laughter at what he'd written. “Listen, Lee is one of the best oldest person there but the big- Less than twenty minutes people in the world. I would do gest — and a guilty look flickered later he pulled the final page from anything for her. Anything! I will briefly across his face. "I'm sorry, the typewriter, and began col- not let her down! You can bank Noreen," he said to the woman lating the original and two carbon on that! next to him, "but I made a prom- copies into three neat stacks. “Will she be at the party?” I ise and it's time to make good on Later, when I looked at the manu- asked. that promise." He nodded at me. script he'd given me, I saw that it “She doesn’t go out much,” he "Hold your horses, big guy." was impeccably typed, error free. said. “Not the partying type. But He turned to address the One of the high school kids you be there and I’ll give you my room, and at that provident mo- asked him, "You gonna read it to piece for her.” us now?" Apparently this was not “Is there some reason you the first time my guy had written can’t just give it to her yourself?” something in the middle of a party, “Yeah. There is. But I’m not and those who were there had gonna share it with you, okay?” expectations. He walked me to the apartment "Normally I would," he said. door, his body language expres- "Normally I would, but not this sing an impatience to be rid of me time. This is for the Hoffwoman. right then. He opened the door This is special. You'll get to read for me. this installment when she pub- I looked over him at Miss lishes it. You gotta wait." Solomon. She gave me a wink. I And with that, he handed me think that is the very first time a the original copy of the manu- woman has ever actually winked script. I folded it in thirds and Shirley Bell Hoffman, 1957 at me. tucked it into my jacket's inside ment the record ended and there pocket, and thanked him. inner was two hot dogs with was a momentary silence in con- "That was pretty neat," I told D mustard at Needick’s, stand- versation. "Okay, guys," he an- him. "Good party trick." ing up. But a couple of hours nounced, his voice drawing every- He laughed. "My pleasure, after that I ponderously climbed one's attention. "You all know man. My pleasure." the four flights of stairs at 107 that I started a serial in Science- I looked into the other room. Christopher for the second time. Fiction Five-Yearly #2. And now Miss Solomon was surrounded by This time I could hear music the next installment's due. This teenaged boys. Their tongues — more jazz, but contemporary, big guy is a local enforcer" — he were all but hanging out. She look- Ornette Coleman's "Lonely Wo- gestured at me and there was ner- ed up and our eyes locked and we man" — and voices as I approach- vous laughter from a couple of the exchanged brief grins. I knew I'd ed the apartment door. When I younger guys who looked like high be seeing her again, after the suit- knocked, the same young woman school kids — "here to see that I do cases were gone from her foyer. opened the door, this time giving it." There was ragged applause. That was something to look for- me a wide smile of recognition. "That's what you need, all ward to, after I'd delivered the "He said you'd be back," she right," said our host, the skinny manuscript. said in greeting. "Come on in." bearded guy. "You need an en- And I wondered if I'd run into There were maybe a dozen forcer!" Everyone laughed. my guy again, sometime. He seem- people in the apartment. The "Can I use your typer, Ted?" ed like somebody I'd be hearing French doors were both wide open, "Sure. What do you need? about, one way or another. effectively doubling the size of the Paper's in the first drawer on your Ted White, November 2006 8

UP END But then I became a man, and on the cold, metal examination I gave up the sicknesses of boys, table and the woman poked me in DOWN trading in a queasy stomach for the side and I squealed ‘cause it an absolutely horrible one. And hurt. “Hmmm,” she said, and By Bill Kunkle that’s when the fun started. Sick poked again, a little harder. I let The hookers stole my manhood days lost their enchantment as out a small “Owp!” and stuck out The hustlers took my shoes thoughts of a day’s pay down the my lower lip. They left me in the city drain climbed between the lines Do you think doctors make with the Stomach Pump Blues. . . of the Phil Dick novels and, be- you strip just to insure you’re feel- his is not for the feint hearted side s, how much reading can you ing insecure in their presence? TI feel compelled to warn you, get done when you’re sprinting Just so they make sure they’ve got this deals rather extensively with into the john every two minutes. the power, and that you know such unpleasant glop as Barium, Everything finally fell apart a they’ve got the power. Perhaps x-rays, regurgitation, and Ruskie few weeks ago and, after three I’m just being paranoid. doctors. days spent doubled over in pain, Anyway, after these rousing I have a bad stomach, you see. the Powers That Be (Charlene and prelims, Doc decided we were No. That’s not quite it. Let’s try it her mum) decided it was time for ready to take some pictures, so I again. I have a BAD stomach. To Billy boy to go get a GI series and sat up while she went into the next give you an idea of just how bad it find out why I have all these room and made me up a Barium is, dig: in those films that are problems. milkshake. For the sake of the shown in school science classes The GI series, or Gastrointes- lucky few (many?) who have never the world over, people are invari- tinal series, is nothing more than had a drink of Barium, I’ll attempt ably awed at discovering that the to describe it to you. It Ave rage Person spends four billion looks just like milk, has the one hundred and scatey-eight consistency of liquefied hours sleeping. An overpowering chalk, coats like Pepto stat istic, no? Other astounding Abysmal, and sits in your revelations include the informa- stomach like a lump of clay. tion that his self-same Average I wasn’t too crazy about it, Person also spends five million but I managed to keep it two hundred and thirty twelve down for the pictures. pernt six hours just eating. Two Oh yeah, the pictures. million four thousand ought hours Envision, please, I am engrossed in TV watching and laying on my ribs and my approximately half that picking free arm is resting on the his nose. small of my back, my left And with this data now burn- leg bent upwards and my ed indelibly into your brain, I right leg bent inwards. She shall tell you that by the time the takes the pictures, and I say Good Lawd calls me to my eternal *thank ghod* and prepared come uppance, I will have squan- to untangle when she stops dered some twelve skillion forty- me and tells me to remain four man hours kneeling on the a bunch of stomach x-rays. I in that position. She is not sure if cold tile of a bathroom, my head dreaded going, though. I hate the angle was right. She strolls in the toilet, barfing. hospitals and I hate being poked casually into the darkroom, the Ponder that, fellow travelers, and prodded and all that, but plates under her arms, and re- and shake your collective heads in then I hated those stomach pains mains inside for a time that I would disbelief and pity. For it is an even more. estimate at a week and a half. honest true fact, and it wasn’t no I showed up at the clinic bright When she finally does come fun, either. and early, gave the woman doctor out she tells me she was right and It was pretty bad when I was a all the information she required goes on to smugly inform me that kid, you know, but it had its good and went inside to read Life maga- she’ll have to reshoot all the points, as well. Lots of sick days, zine until she called me inside. I pictures. for example, which were happily went into a back room, undressed Umm, now reread the last two spent reading Tarzan books and and put on this big paper napkin. paragraphs twice, and then we can watching teevee out on the living I then stiffened my upper lip and go on. room couch and getting plenty of strode ahead bravely into the val- Then the Doc then told me liquids and attention. ley of the death rays. I laid down that I should go into the waiting 9

room because I had to wait an- I explained my situation to him By Greg Benford other hour for the next set of and he was very sympathetic as pictures. Okay, I said, and went he handed me a new glass of Bar- “I think of Greg as more of a into the room and started reading ium and told me to, “Dreenk it.” fan, than a pro, although he is the embodiment of what the Esquire. This time, I mean, man, all I Michelists called the Gernsback Then a thought struck me. had to do was to bring the stuff up delusion, which was that science The thought was Barium. I sud- to my lips and wham, the room fiction (SF) readers would turn denly felt it sloshing like swamp was spinning and the lights were into scientists. As a scientist, mud in my gut. I could taste it on swelling and ebbing. I was stand- every ten years or so he takes my tongue and the smell of it was ing up on this elevated board and up a new topic because he has everywhere. I began to sweat and, the camera was right up against exhausted the previous one and being a veteran of this kind of my tummy. has made some discoveries. In thin g, I calculated that I had about “Doc?” addition, he is a science fiction five minutes before I had to make He looked up. “Yes?” writer. Not one of those wanna- be SF writers who would like to a mad dash for the bathroom. I “I feel sick.” be scientists, but one who became depressed. I mean, I never “Yes?” actually is predominantly a really want to throw up, but I’ll “Umm, what should I do, man? writer of hard SF.” usually accept it a hell of a lot I feel sick.” Introduction by Toastmaster Jack Speer better than the next guy. Except He thought about it for a sec- that now what I’d be throwing up ond and then made a snap deci- t was indeed a pleasure to be wou ld be the Barium — which you sion. “Womit,” he suggested. I invited as a professional to have to drink so your insides will “Vomit? Where?” what I've always thought of as a glow when they snap your picture He again fell deep into thought, fan convention. I still think of — and since I still had more x- then suddenly darted across the myself as a Fan, with that capital rays to go, I deduced that I would room and returned with a plastic of distinction and salute. I belong be required to drink more Barium. waste paper basket, which he to an APA, I contribute regularly This thought, of course, only placed at my feet. I womitted. to fanzines or rather I contribute added to the already dangerously We then settled on a very to irregular fanzines. There are high levels of psychological sensible solution to our difficulty. no regular fanzines, except for tension that is always a prelude I drank the stuff, the Doc snapped Locus, which of course is not a to, and is often the cause of, the pictures, and I got rid of the real fanzine. This is what we've nausea. stuff. And, finally, at long last, come to these days. That mean old circle was about the photos were all taken and I I've just finished writing a to be run and I had run the route walked around the corner from long essay about my involvement often enough to know that the his office and had a large portion with both science and science time had come. And so, zip, I was of Chow Mein, Fried Rice, egg fiction, titled "Old Legends," for off. When I once more returned rolls, and a Coke. Greg Bear's collection New to the waiting room there was not The results of the tests were Legends. I discovered through enough Barium left in my belly to that I have an ulcer and an hiatus my whole career that the scien- coat the head of a pin, much less hernia — which is basically a bad tists I knew were as likely as not light up my stomach like Coney stomach. I got pills and am now to have had a considerable, though Island — the tummy being a very on the blandest diet you can imag- breakable, habit of reading dark place, after all. ine. Joyce Katz, who can be very science fiction. Indeed, many of The hour soon passed much cruel, laughed hysterically when the most prominent scientists of too quickly and I was once again she found out I couldn’t eat pep- our time are or were SF fans. in the back room taking my clothes pers any more. And Bob Shaw, Like Marvin Minsky, master off and walking back into that when I told him about my Barium of Artificial Intelligence, who has awful x-ray room where, surprise, experience, comforted me with a an astonishing collection of SF a different doctor waited. “When you gotta glow, you gotta paperbacks in completely chaotic He was a guy and he was Rus- glow.” Burp. order. His collection is on move- sian, and when Russians talk it Bill Kunkel, June 1972 able shelving run by servos, for sometimes strikes me as funny and which he has concocted an elabo- this cat’s accent was pretty thick. rate mechanism, so he can shuffle these bookshelves back and forth with the flick of a switch, as adroitly as a hand of cards. I never quite understood the reason for such because he does not know where 10

Heinlein. They later made up via THE FANZINE TRIBE correspondence but it was a stick- Silvercon III GoH Speech ing point, about different visions of the future that came out of SF. Most of the people in the room, in one way or another, had been in- volved with fandom. Myself, Greg Bear, Larry Niven, Bjo Trimble and others. This comes non-linearly again forward into the present. Some of you may be aware that a couple of months ago the U.S. launched the first interplanetary vessel in quite a long time. I suspect that most of t he American public will never be a ware of this, the so-called Clementine mission. It is at the moment completing a topogra- phic map of the moon — the best one ever. It will then go on to do any particular book is. It's a sort and taken up. The Strategic a flyby of an asteroid this summer, of Al Ashley invention, really better Defense Initiative (SDI) was origi- just about when the broken up on the drawing boards than in nally proposed by a bunch of tech- iceteroid strikes the back of reality. Marvin proudly showed nology and SF people—for pur- Jupiter. The interesting thing me these moving shelves and when poses, very different from the way about Clementine: it cost $70 I asked about a particular book he it eventually came about. million , the cheapest mission looked at the wall of them, still One thing you learn in politics flown by NASA in over 20 years, sliding past, and he said, "Well, it's is nothing is linear. You learn that except of course that it wasn't in here somewhere." The shelves in science too but it takes a while flown by NASA. It was built by rum bled by on their rubber rollers. longer. That was in the summer the Office of the Strategic Defense "I've got the essentials all here in of 1984 I remember. Arthur C. Initiative (OSDI), with NASA my head," he said. "If I really Clarke was there and so was Rob- help. wanted a book, I'm sure I could ert A. Heinlein. Arthur C. Clarke In the last decade the SDI has see it going by." was in town because 2010 was be- developed diagnostics and sen- From Marvin Minsky to Ed- ing kicked off or maybe kicked sors that simply didn't exist before. ward Teller and people of that sort. under. In the living room of High quality, infrared, ultraviolet, Freeman Dyson, Gerald Feinberg, Niven's house occurred one of and other mapping techniques Shelly Glashow — winner of the those strange events that echo on which last month made a very Nobel Prize — have published fan- through time — a confrontation. interesting vertical shot of the zines! That should tell us some- Clarke said he didn't like the idea Apollo 11 landing site. You can thing. They didn't get the Nobel of any kind of weapons in space. see the remains of the vehicle and Prize for literature, however—not Heinlein jumped on him and said more. For $70 million they yet. in no uncertain terms that Clarke accomplished what NASA had This kind of apotheosis of the didn't have anything at stake. It estimated would take $400-500 involvement between SF and sci- was about the defense of the United million. The package is extremely ence came to me about a decade States and Heinlein found it per- light because all this was devel- ago. I was at a meeting between sonally offensive that Clarke felt oped to function in small Earth various mucky mucks of the Jerry this way. It was really quite a spec- orbiting satellites as detectors for Pournelle circle, involved in giv- tacle for all of us who knew these ICBM liftoff burns and the like. ing advice to the White House, people as great icons of the field. This is unknown to the American which was inhabited at the time And, of course, Arthur C. Clarke public because the Clinton Admin- by an ex-actor, instead of an obvi- had been a fan during the 1930s istration has chosen to suppress ous amateur actor like the one and early 40s. To see them come the publicity. Right now it's today. We were engaged in pro- to sword points over this issue almost impossible to get a pub- ducing some serious options in was really quite unsettling. Clarke licity package, particularly in- the Space Program. These were was so disturbed he left and that cluding photographs made by the to my astonishment acted upon was the last time he ever saw mission, from NASA. 11

Because politics still reign and foreseen at the time. That's known They were invariably more imagi- many factions in both the House as hitting the target but not look- native and I believe accomplished of Representatives and NASA do ing at it. more than the people who were not want the connection between The striking thing about all far more serious and thought in a defense and the Space Program to this is that everybody involved in more linear fashion. receive any publicity. the Clementine mission — includ- I was speaking with Buzz They particularly don't want ing my twin brother Jim, ex-editor Aldrin about this; he lives a few to bring to light the next proposal of Void — first met because the miles from me in Laguna Beach. made by the OSDI, which is to build chief director of the Clementine He told me that he signed an agree- a spacecraft which will rendezvous Mission was Jim's funding officer ment a couple of months ago with and achieve orbit around an aster- for several years out of OSDI. Jim Time-Warner Books to write an oid. It would then fire high veloc- was doing research in building SF novel. I said, What? He said ity pellets into the asteroid so that microwave detectors for them. So ever since I landed on the moon it ejects dust. The craft could mea- it's all non-linear and it really has I've been thinking about these sure this spectrographically and little to do with liberal or conser- kinds of things. It was such a fun- determine the composition — he vative politics. When I was at that damentally different and moving cheapest way of performing that meeting planning the ideology be- experience for him; he had never hind the SDI much thought about SF until he — which was had done that. Not until he'd real- always to ized the scale of the human pros- my mind a pect. The experience of looking method of back at the whole damn planet defending appearing about the size of your strategic hand had forever changed the way assets, not he thinks about a lot of things. So cities — I he had begun to think up a science was a regis- fiction plot. And he is now, as is tered Demo- usual in this field, writing this crat. Now, book with a collaborator, because I hope you he doesn't really write all that well. won't hold The book has actually sold. that against He'd already written one me. book, his memoirs, which is really What quite good. impressed Aldrin began to talk about how task. It's easier than landing on me was how fans have many times he had begun to read SF, since the the surface and taking samples. migrated into all species of tech- Apollo 11 Mission 25 years ago. I They're pressing this for $40 nology buffs, computer buffs, or asked him what kind of SF he million, approximately the cost of as I call them in their larval form, likes. I've asked this question of refurbishing the tiles on the outer computer weenies — they guys many people, usually those who skin of the shuttle for every mis- who think that the Net is a funda- hear that I write SF; about 50% of sion. A complete mission for the mental revolution in human dis- the time they say something like cost of the tile replacement on the course. As we all know that was "Well, you know what I really shuttle! We all know the shuttle, long ago accomplished by the most love is Tolkien." When this it's a space ship designed by a advent of fanzines, essentially in- elicits from me a singular silence, committee of lawyers in the early vented in the true form by Bob they say, "Well of course you 1970s. Tucker or Charles Burbee, I can't know I read the kind of rocket The funny thing about all this remember which. One of them stuff too." These phrases which is that it underlines the fact that invented sex and the other invent- seem to mean something to them science and science fiction, the ed fanzines and each has envied – "the rocket stuff." Space Program, all of this has been the other ever since. As a scientist I was stunned deeply entwined in a way that is I found it enormously reassur- when about a decade ago people completely non-linear. The one ing that you can't really predict started using the phrase "he's no thing I've learned by my experi- the future. You can sometimes rocket scientist" to imply that ence as a fan is that the things you anticipate it. But the people who someone wasn't very intelligent. read in the magazines often turn- went at it with the most playful The first time I heard that I ed out to be prophetic, but for attitude, fans in spirit, did it out thought, what can they possibly reasons that were completely un- of a sense of love and fascination. mean? Because I actually know 12

"rocket scientists" – though they to do something about it. Working a bad Michael Crichton novel and don't actually exist. The rocket as a scientist, a consultant to NASA, became what we now know. Strik- was invented a long time ago. as a consultant to a host of other ingly, the net has replicated many They're engineers, folks. They're agencies, I know that governments of the institutions of fandom. the kind of people who read don't invent ideas, they just recog- People called Flamers — we knew Astounding when it was still call- nize them. them as fuggheads 50 years before ed Astounding. They're usually the last major they appeared on the net. The fact that the American people to do so. I've noticed that The social formation of fandom public doesn't distinguish between the people who've done the most has been replicated in many walks science and engineering tells us in these organizations are usually of life. Of course, there has been more than what they think about the fans, in spirit. If you can't im- circus fandom (Harry Warner rocket scientists. (I kind of agine something you can't make it wrote an article on that in the cleaned up their response; they happen. early 60s). There is the larger very often cited Piers Anthony, That's the basic job of science constellation of rock fandom, rock but I'm trying to keep this a light fiction — and fandom is an impor- fanzines. The word fanzine now talk and don't want anyone to get tant part of SF — to imagine permeates the language and it was depressed.) I haven't even men- things so that they can happen. invented by us. You may look it tioned Marion Zimmer Bradley And I've seen it happen so many up in the Large Oxford English here, and don't forget she was times now that to me it's just an Dictionary and also the Webster's. a fan. obvious fact of Nature. I had a We invented something very I was much struck by the fact discussion with Isaac Asimov just general, I think. The human race that they thought the rocket stuff about a month before he died and has made a great success of itself was even now really very blue sky. he said that he had been trying to by simply taking its earliest and That is, they think SF is still say this in the citadels of power. still the best social formation, the about things that are highly im- He'd written articles in every publi- tribe, and proliferating it. We all probable. Only when events are cation from the Smithsonian to belong to tribes. The fundamental about to happen do they become the New York Times. But, he said, human tribe of about 10,000 worth discussing. That's the fun- there's an enormous reluctance to years ago — just about the time damental difference between us recognize this. The media doesn't we stopped being hunter gather- and them, in case you wondered. want to realize that the ideas which ers — was roughly a few hundred The people down there in the have shaped our time to a great people. It was not a few thousand Vegas casinos only dimly recog- extent have come out of an aston- people because a few hundred is nize ideas. Let's put it this way, ishingly small community. what you can feed if you can stam- you would call them an entomo- It's not just a community that pede 10 or so wildebeests off a logist if they recognized the bug dreams about the future either. cliff — which by the way was one when it hit their windshield. This small group which at one time of the major methods used. Brave That's the kind of foresight they numbered at its core perhaps only hunters and all that — actually we have. And that's a fundamentally a couple of thousand, invented used traps and dead falls because, different way of looking at the whole institutions which have been what the hell, it was easier than world, qualitatively different. Of copied again and again and again running. Even then we had course, it's easy to satirize. like a bad Xerox all the way through turned laziness into a principle. I was lying down in my room American Society. The human tribe is the funda- upstairs trying to recover from the For example fandom itself, and mental agent of organization. program items from this afternoon. fanzines. Fandom showed modern popular The Incomplete Burbee: “Al I was having an argument with culture — that promulgated most- Ashley Distinguished Novelist,” Lenny Bailes about how it seems ly in the U.S. — how to organize “Big Name Fan” and all these to me that the Net is a kind of itself around an interest group. pieces which satirize what fans are, electronic fanzine. I've been on That's basically what a fandom were and could be. And it struck the Net for over 20 years. I came is—an idea that replicates and me that there's still truth in it. in on the ARPANet (Advanced Re- carries on throughout an entire There's a lot about fandom that search Projects Administration). society. As a society gets larger is naive, is displaced from the World. It's the Dr. Strangelove guys, the number of interest groups The fan doesn't know what's going those who directed advanced proliferates and inside the fandom on, doesn't tuck in his shirt, shine research in the U.S. They put up you get subfandoms. We like to his shoes or lose weight. But there the original wide spread net in retain the essential size of a tribe. is something about this community order to facilitate communication You can't really be on very good that has, in my own direct experi- between research groups. Then it terms with more than a few hun- ence, the ability to dream and then proliferated like something out of dred people — a thousand, tops. 13

How many people are on your tightly bound. SF fandom is the thought space flight would be a big personal mailing list? most cohesive of all fandoms and payoff! But an essential point Recognizing this as the essen- it's the original. SF conventio ns which I have learned about think- tial pattern, we worked out by are the largest of all. Go to a mys- ing of the future is that you never hook & crook and experimentation tery convention, their banquets are really know quite what you're the methods of organization. They about this size. That's the world- doing. include loose communication or- con for mysteries, and the same is You do things by experiment, ganized around a semi-permanent true for westerns and other you cut and try things. Fandom method of keeping track of things interest groups. has been in a real sense one of the — that's a fanzine. There are a couple of excep- leading agents in social change in It doesn't really matter which tions here and there to things I've modern popular culture. It's particular technology you use, the said but I wanted to impress you worked things out on its own terms more permanent form in which a with the cohesion I see. Fandom in a fairly small group of people. thing is kept the longer lived group developed these modes, but simi- In fact, I'm egocentric enough to memory can be. We've learned to larities developed in the scientific think that it's fanzine fandom value that connectivity, that long community. The scientific aca- which is the true hard-core of timebinding. demic institutes have also broken fandom. Of course SF is important; this entire institution would not exist without it. Fandom was in- vented by people who were most interested in the future. I think intuitively they understood that this was going to be one of the central ways of organizing people in a tribal fashion, in the future of modern popular culture. All done unconsciously; you can't go back to 1942 and find an essay by Damon Knight that predicts all this. None of us knew it. My own bias is that in science Such timebinding is essential up into tribes as they have gotten fiction the core of the field is hard in a tribe, for that's how you pass larger. They became interest science fiction, which is organized on the traditions and hold the groups. much like the scientific commu- tribe together. Our fandom work- The American Physical Society nity. A close-knit international ed out all these methods for the has proliferated from one society group which proceeds often by first time in modern popular cul- to, I think, nine different branch- collaboration. The number of ture. One of the basic reasons it es. And they keep proliferating scientific papers published now could do that was because the and having special conferences with one author is in the range of central culture was written down. because they find that they can't 15-20% of all papers published. The reason it didn't happen get above the tribal level without Most are collaborations. quite so for things like Dixieland losing communication. You lose This entire social manner, that jazz is because although you could track of the group once it gets science has devised — collabora- record it you couldn't keep the above the size of about a thousand. tive interaction and lots of dis- whole social fabric intact in a time- I think about the things in this course, not the lonely romantic Dr. bound way. That's faced by a lot way because it's important to rea- Frankenstein — reflects the other of institutions of music, which do lize that the modern society that connection we all have, through not have writing as their primary we have come to know in the 90s genres. We came out of a genre, way of communicating. has been to a great extent shaped but the most important of this cen- That's really one of our major by the social institution of fandom tury, the genre which has grown virtues. We don't think about it in an almost completely uncon- the most in this century. The because we all read and write a scious way. In a non-linear way. essential signature of any genre is lot. But the people who don't read I do n't think fandom ever thought that it is an ongoing discourse, the and write a lot are largely adrift. that the invention of fandom itself complete opposite of the usual Of course there are lots of other in all its mechanisms, its social model of literature. That is, liter- methods of communication you tropes, etc., was perhaps the most ature is about these great isolated can use now. But they're not as profound thing it was doing. We monoliths, these great classic 14 works. The canon stands there — a short era in the past which when you sit before a television alone and remote, works almost lasted only about 30 or 40 years. set watching the President of the independent of who wrote them. What are mysteries about? — United States giving a speech, They're like giant monuments, death, crime. What is science using entire sentences which you Ozymandias, standing alone in a fiction about? — well, it's about helped to write with a bunch of des ert. the past, the future and the pre- other science fiction fans in some- That's completely the oppo- sent. It's even about things that body's home, six month's prior. site of a genre. That image of will never happen, such as alter- It's a weird experience but it's a literature is very 19th century, the nate history. We occupy the perfectly science fictional fandom romantic ideal. What we have in largest conversation, which is experience. You cannot do any- a genre is a conversation. Genres about everything (except con- thing without, inadvertently, hav- are about cross talk. So you write temporary realism). I think it's ing a non-linear effect on reality. a story about whether a match important for us to realize, at this This tribe of ours has had, argu- will or will not remain alight in stage, what we hath wrought. In ably, the most strange and orbit and everybody knows that group references. Crosstalk, non-linear effect that I've seen you're actually responding to a genre conversations. Recognition any-where in our time. Fanzines Hal Clement story published in that a genre is a giant non-stop mimeographed on twilltone don't the October 1948 Astounding. conversation, and the recognition last long, but the conversation It's a conversation and that's what that science fiction is a subsection goes on. The presence of Charles makes it so enduring. Oddly of an even larger conversation at Burbee here today testifies to the enough, impermanent talk is the the edge of science. This should fact that you can even make fun, cement of modern organization. make us very aware of the fact bitter, caustic fun of this genre And genres are a way of shaping that when a GoH gets up, after a and they will love you for it. Make up the ongoing conversation we long-winded speech like this one, witty fun of Fans and they will have about the future and about and says "I really love you guys! like it, quite unlike politicians. all the other ideas science fiction We're a family." — I think that's Recognizing who and what we talks about. The conversations in what they're talking about: the are will make us better at who western fandom, and mystery tribe. and what we are. Know thyself! fandom are much smaller. Their The irony of it is that we have Socrates said that, and he was fanzines are much narrower, much turned out to be one of the most clearly a fan. more arcane. Fundamentally we important tribes in modern times. That's why I really couldn't need never feel that there is any We did this largely without know- pass up this opportunity to come competition from other genres. ing it, we did it in an entirely non- to this convention. Because, what are westerns about? linear way. It's a funny feeling Greg Benford, April 1994

CREDITORIAL five (1937-1986), whose appreciation for old fanwriting Fucking Reprint Issue? Yes, that’s right. Why started early in his own fan career. Beginning in the A would you do that? Because, like Donald J. Fifties, Terry and a few of his contemporaries were Trump — who wants to make America Great Again — among the first to actively seek out the previous gener- I want to make Fanzines Great Again. That sounds ation of fanwriters and fanzines. He reveled in what like bullshit to me, you don’t strike me as the type he discovered and quickly absorbed as much of his who would pay any attention to that tangerine fuck- predecessor’s spirit, their in-jokes, their competitive nozzle. I like that he has tiny hands. They make one-upmanship, and especially their penchant for everything he holds, be it his cock or my fanzine, fannish mythmaking as he could. look HUGE! That sounds like more bullshit, as The result was a new kind of fan who got all the well. Are you sure you aren’t trying to pull a fast old jokes and made a lot of new ones of his own. Be- one on your readers? What do you mean? Are you cause of his admiration for the rebellious repartee suggesting that I’m trying to slip a stop-gap issue once conducted by Laney and Burbee and their into the schedule to stretch things out because I’m cronies in L.A., Terry’s own fannish style soon evolved running out of unpublished material? Precisely! into the hipster intercourse of the Innuendo/Fanac Naw, that’s absurd. Nothing could be further from era and then, eventually, into the trademarked the truth, I can guarantee you that. I mean, if I were snappy patter popularized by the Void Boys in the to do that, it would be the greatest reprint issue ever, early Sixties. (Which then, to take it a step further, but I’m not. Is that your real hair? Can we get evolved int0 the hippy fannish chatter that was security up here? adopted by a lot of Seventies fans.) So our Special Reprint Issue kicks off, appropri- But Terry, in particular, had also developed an ately enough, with an article written by Terry Carr affinity for the concept of what I now call fannish

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archeology. He passionately collected old fanzines electrified in factories all over Asia as I write this. and eventually began to reprint some of the great Perhaps the only reference in Terry’s piece that stuff he was discovering in the pages o f h is own. In might cause some confusion here in the future is his 1958, for instance, he and Dave Rike and Pete Graham mention of the now arcane “Lazy Susan.” When put together the first edition of The Incompleat was the last time you saw one of those? Burbee as a surprise for Burb’s 52nd birthday. In Something else you’ve not seen in a long time is 1964 he published not only an anthology of that an article written by the inimitable Lou Stathis year’s best fan articles, called Fanthology ’64, but he (1952-1997). This one, “Goodbye, Mr. Stathis,” was also put together the first (and, unfortunately, only) originally published in 1973 in the eleventh issue of issue of Entropy, a fanzine devoted to older reprints. Mike Glyer’s genzine, Prehensile and it is among Lou’s (It was accompanied by a supplemental volume earliest pieces of published fanwriting. It appeared called The Entropy Library that reprinted two fan- about four years before he started regularly appear- nish mystery stories back-to-back, Ace Double style.) ing in print as an SF critic and essayist in Doug Later, in 1970, he turned the whole idea into “The Fratz’s Thrust, and as a music reviewer for various Entropy Reprints,” a wandering fanzine column that rock fanzines. presented the same kind of noteworthy fan articles Towards the end of 1978 he began selling to to a whole new generation of readers. professional markets after Ted White commissioned Terry would write an introduction to each him to write about Disney’s Fantasia, for the Janu- installment of the column, providing the historical ary 1979 issue of Fantastic Stories, a gig he would context for the articles and adding a few short notes have repeated if Ted hadn’t been forced to leave his about the authors themselves. But most importantly, editor’s job a short time later. A couple of months he was able to effortlessly infuse each intro with his after that his article about Leni Riefenstahl’s film own enthusiasm for the material. That then spurred Triumph of the Will appeared in the final issue of his readers — like me — to really appreciate and the legendary Punk magazine. The following January enjoy the relics he was uncovering for us. I don’t he became a regular columnist for Heavy Metal and think it is an exaggeration to say that Terry Carr was though his column, “Muzick,” only lasted for a year, the Pied Piper of Fan History. Nor do I think it it was the beginning of a relationship with HM that inappropriate, therefore, to dedicate this issue of lasted until it was sold to one of the creators of The Fugghead to him and his memory — and to the seeds Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles in 1992. of fannish archeology that he has sown. After that he held a lot of editorial jobs, includ- The article, “Buddha With A Light Bulb,” first ing working for a music magazine called Reflex, the appeared as part of his “Tailgate Ramble,” editorial doper’s bible High Times, and even Details, the in the seventh issue of Lighthouse, an oth er one of men’s style magazine, before finally ending up as the several fanzines he co-edited with Pete Graham, one of the groundbreaking editors for DC Comics’ in August 1962. After a quick rewrite, Terry went on alt-comics line, Vertigo Comics, where he used his to sell the revised article to Paul Krassner’s The considerable skills t o nurture and mentor writers Realist, where it saw print a year after its fanzine and artist, much like he himself had been mentored. appearance, in August 1963 — right about the same One of his projects was the original version of time as the publication of his first novel, Warlord of Preacher, now a very intriguing TV show on AMC. Kor. The version of the article reprinted here is taken Inbetween, he did things like helping to create a from that later appearance. series of novels about a gang of vile mercenaries “It was fun reading it again,” Caro l Carr wrote (writing two of them himself), as well as collabora- when I sent her a copy. “I remember the Event ting with Matt Howarth on numerous adventures of pretty clearly — though I imagine Ted White could “Those Annoying Post Bros.” — including a posthu- remember it for me with even more clarity. He mously published graphic novel in which the mysteri- wasn't there, but his memory is sharp enough to fill ous rock band The R e sidents’ long-time career as in the missing pieces.” faceless, giant eyeball-wearing performers is ruined I agree with her totally, it does hold up pretty when they are revealed to be, in reality, the wives of well and Ted’s memory does put the rest of us to the Beatles! Great stuff. shame. I also have no doubt that there probably are Lou and I met about a year prior to the original electrified deities still on display in the shop windows appearance of “Goodbye, Mr. Stathis.” At the time I of New York City to this day and, for the most part, I was living in a shitty little apartment just off campus appreciate that — though I will admit that the idea at Syracuse University and Lou was a student at of finding, say, a statue of The Prophet with a laser SUNY-Stony Brook. We met unexpectedly one morn- pointer in its noggin in somebody’s window would ing when the sound of somebody knocking loudly on give me pause. Fortunately for all of us, Mr. Buddha my front door brought me face-to-face with Lou and has continued to be relevant in the world of 21st his roommate, Norm Hollyn — then still known by century kitsch and his likeness is probably being the surname of Hochberg — both of whom were 16 relative strangers to me. They had come to town on round-robin serial, "The Death of Science Fiction," some kind of field trip and had decided to look up in Stellar, circa 1956. I was influenced by Larry the only fan that they could think of and then knocked Stark, who believed in writing straight fiction in loudly on his door at some ridiculously early hour of settings unique to fandom. Stellars number 8-12 the morning. (Perhaps even as early as *gasp* 11:00 were devoted to all kinds of fan fiction, including a.m.) We renewed our acquaintance at the 1 973 Burbee's ‘Big Name Fan.’” Nevertheless, he still Lunacon that Spring and soon became fa st friends, a believes that he only “started writing *good* fan friendship that — luckily for me — lasted until his fiction after I'd learned how to write fiction pro- tragic death in May 1997 from pneumonia, a symp- fessionally.” tom related to terminal brain cancer. Despite his years of experience as a writer, Ted Like everything he wrote, “Goodbye, Mr. Stathis” rarely writes fanfiction. Most of it has been written reeks of Lou’s unusual literary point of view, his for Lee Hoffman’s Science Fiction Five Yearly. snarky sense of humor, and this unique patois — all “Ninty percent of all the fan fiction I've written was of them powerful weapons in his arsenal as a writer. for LeeH. The long serial (set in a fannish future of Raised on Phil Dick, Hunter Thompson, and Lester sorts) explored fannish situations. Several of the Bangs, Lou used his vocabulary as both a weapon shorter ones were quasi-mystery stories — of which, and a toy. At times he could be so sharp a critic that the one you're using is the best. Then there's "Night- his detractors would attack him not because of his mare at Confrancisco," in Idea. That's the other 10 opinions, but because of the language he used to percent. I like all the stories of mine Lee published, express them. And that’s when they would have to but that one is my favorite.” deal with his razor sharp wit and the fact that he was “CASE No. 770: October 13, 1961” was written usually the best informed person in the room — any for the twelfth of SF5Y, published by Geri Sullivan room. Watching him make his point with his foes in November 2006. Lee had been in poor health for was often a delightful display of smart thinking and several years prior to its publication — which also in- blunt profanity — kind of like a fannish Christopher cluded the loss of her sight — and it was well known Hitchens, if you will. ahead of time that they were putting together the Despite Lou’s status as a neophyte at the time it final issue. was published, “Goodbye, Mr. Stathis” contains all “I wrote it especially *for* Lee,” Ted explained, of his special stylistic quirks. Though his writing “evoking the cave-li ke Manhattan apartment she style was still forming, his tone of voice was already had in the '60s, and weaving in a lot of real events clearly defined and will be immediately recognizable with the fictitious, which I knew she'd appreciate. to a nyone who knew him. In fact, I found it impos- Alas, she could no longer read, so Geri and I were sible to keep the sound of his voice out of my head going to record me reading it for her — but she died as I transcribed his words for this issue. Afterward, before we could finish that. *Sigh*” Lee passed I found myself in an emotional funk because those about three months after the issue went into the words had so successfully recreated his presence in mail and with her went the spark that lit up a gener- the room. I could hear him speak them as I typed ation of fanzine fans. Because there was no letter and I’m sure they will have the same effect on any- column in most issues of LeeH’s fanzine, Ted notes one else who was lucky enough to have known him. that “I never got much (if any) egoboo for my pieces After that, I figured that you all could use some- in SF5Y, so I'll be glad to see that story recirculated.” thing completely different: A healthy dose of fan- Me, too. nish noir to change the mood, perhaps? How about Since beginning this project, I have been pre- a superb example of that often maligned literary senting only unpublished material, and I made a form known as fan fiction — or should I say, faan point of noting last issue that I had no more new fiction? (The distinction once actually meant some- material by Bill Kunkel (1950-2011) in my box of thing.) Anyway, whatever you may want to call it, goodies, and it was the truth. But when I decided to good fan fiction is hard to find, and outstanding pull together this reprintapalooza I realized that it examples come along only very rarely. (I think that would be the perfect opportunity for me to repub- might be a great idea for my next anthology!) There lish Bill’s original “Up End Down” column from the were more of them back in olden times, when a lot third issue of Lizard Inn, my first genzine. The of writers used the form as a satirical device. But fragments that I published in earlier issues of nowadays they’re scarcer than my front teeth, so I Fugghead were meant to be part of the second thought it might be a good idea to resurrect Ted installment of that column. White’s “CASE No. 770” and remind all you talented Unfortunately, the next issue never appeared — scribes out there how it’s done. a move that was instigated by my father, who I asked Ted what attracted him to writing fan thought I was wasting too much of my time and fiction? “I think my first piece of fan fiction (as op- money on fannish pursuits. As part of his plan to posed to just fiction) was a chapter I wrote for the dampen my enthusiasm for fandom, my dad 17

destroyed as many copies of Lizard Inn 3 as he could tired, strung out, and no doubt frustrated about the find. I had already put numerous copies into the problems he and the band were having. In retrospect, mail, but in the end, I would guess that no more the latter material was written mostly out of his than half of the 150 copy print run ever made it to desire not to let me down. It was fragmented and my readers — if that many. As a result, very few hard to follow, but he met his deadline, even though people ever got a chance to read the premier (and I couldn’t. only) installment of “Up End Down,” which I have Some readers h av e mentioned that the pieces by always maintained was one of Bill Kunkel’s best Bill that I’ve already published have been on the thin pieces of fan writing. side and I can’t say I’d argue with them, but I thought Unlike Lou Stathis’ tongue-in-cheek memoir, they were still worth it. But that’s also why I’m now Bill’s story manages to be genuinely unsettling, al- taking this opportunity to present his readers with though it is not without its humorous moments. Bill something that shows him off at his best. I think was quite notorious for having bad problems with you’ll notice the difference right off the bat. his stomach, which often caused him to miss work Vegas fandom seems to get mentioned in this and, no doubt, encouraged his inclination to self- fanzine with some regularity, especially considering medicate. that my third issue was about nothing but Vegas, “Up End Down” offers us an inside look at one and the 1995 Corflu that was held there. Bill Kunkel of the times that he tried to get treatment for what wasn’t around at that con very much — stomach ailed him. It didn’t end up helping him much. About trouble, I believe — but he was a major presence all he learned from it all was that some pretty weird the year before when Vegas fandom helped put on shit can happen in places like the hospital. And Silvercon III, a full service sci-fi con that also in- though he ended up pretty much right back where cluded a lot of fan programming, all of which was he started, at least he got a good article out of it. Bill more or less under the direction of Arnie Katz. Ted wrote it during the Spring of 1972, just before he White and Greg Benford were the Fan and Pro and his bandmates were about to record demos for Guests of Honor, and though they were both hyped an album. Their lead singer was from Germany and for their professional successes on a local Vegas AM his only chance of staying in the country and keep- television program, it didn’t take a cosmic mind to ing the band together was a record contract. Because see that what Mr. Katz was really doing was attempt- of that, Bill wanted to concentrate all his energy on ing to get the Void Boys back together again — or at their album and wrote this column before they went least what was left of them. (Not a bad idea, really, into the studio. (Their quest proved fruitless and maybe I’ll publish a fanzine some day that brings the ultimately his singer did return to the fatherland.) three of them together again. That would be a hoot?) By 1975, Bill’s second cycle in fandom had pretty Lynn and I went to the convention, drawn in much run its course — he’d been a fan once before part by Ted’s honor, but also because of our general in the late Sixties and had published a fanzine called interest in what was happening with the Vegas fans, Grenoot — and he and his partner in crime, Arnie who were a hotbed of hyper fan activity at the time. Katz, both left fandom behind to pursue wrestling The convention itself took place over the weekend of fanzines and then, eventually, to become early inno- April 8th-10th, and we were curious about whether vators in the field of gaming journalism. Bill (and Joyce still knew how to throw a party because only a Arnie) returned to fandom for a third cycle of activity month later she and Arnie , plus Bill and Laurie, in 1992 as part of the fannish cult that became Vegas were going to be coming East to attend that year’s fandom. He died in 2011 from a combination of a Corflu Nova, held in Crystal City, VA, to bid for the slippery floor and a foggy mind just prior to yet an- next year’s con. We went out to Silvercon III to other return to fandom, his fourth. show our solidarity and to get out of the wet weather Bill Kunkel was one of those extraordinary people around Arlington. who comes into fandom with as much baggage as Though Greg Benford was the Pro face of the con- they have talent and wit. When he was on his game vention, when the time came for his Sunday morn- he was dynamic and clever and creative and fandom ing GoH speech he took a different tack, he decided always benefited from his enthusiasm. When he was to talk about the family of fans, or as he called them: down, when he felt the weight of the world on his “The Fanzine Tribe.” It was a memorable speech shoulders, he would withdraw and fandom was the whose sentiments I appreciated and whose termi- last thing that interested him. It’s not an uncommon nology I agreed with — I had recently taken to refer- story, really. ring to fandom as a group of many tribes, as well. When he wrote this column he was up and opti- Ted and I had been doing BLAT! for about a mistic. He was full of hope for the band and their year by then and we were feeling the embrace of a future and was able to find amusement even in a lot of the remnants of hardcore fanzine fandom and medical procedure. Just a few months later, when hooking up with the Vegas contingent seemed to he wrote the material for his second column, he was make a lot of sense. In retrospect, it’s a surprise to 18

me that neither Ted or I grabbed up the printing Of course, with the outcome of my investigation rights to Greg’s speech for the next BLAT! — I think still up in the air — hanging there like the Sword of somebody else must have beat us to the punch. But Damocles, so to speak — — I guess there is now a there in lies the rub. If we had published it, I would slight possibility that I could be accused of false ad- not be left in the conundrum that I find myself in vertising back there on the first page. Perhaps this is right now. not a real reprintathon after all. Maybe you’ve all been I’m pretty sure Greg’s speech was printed in some- hoodwinked? Even I can’t say for sure. But if it means body’s fanzine — probably somebody in Vegas, if I anything to you, I believe that I’m reprinting Greg’s had to make an educated guess — but I’ve been hav- speech. I feel it in my gut and in my pores. (Hmm, ing trouble pinning it down. When Greg first sug- it may be time to exfoliate?) I BELIEVE! gested I use the speech here in Fugghead, I asked If, however, facts should materialize that prove him if it had ever been printed before? He replied me wrong, all I can do is humbly hang my head and that he wasn’t sure, but he agreed with me that it say, “so fucking what?” If I say it’s a reprint, then seemed likely that it had been pub- it’s a reprint. Truth Be lished somewhere, but had no Damned! It’s only a fanzine. idea where it might have been. Who cares, right? After all, it’s Neither of us could recall who really just a bunch of tiny pixels had published it. So I finally on a screen, isn’t it? At least we went down into the basement can be sure of that much. All where, as I’m always bragging, the rest is, as they say, but a my fanzine collection sits in five dream. Shaboom, shaboom. matching filing cabinets and did some research. (Just in case you My apologies for being a were wondering, the color coordi- little bit late this issue. Our nation was mostly unintentional, anniversary, Westercon (which though they do look kinda cool was just a MAX stop away from all in a row like that.) us), and the Fourth of July all Anyway, despite my façade happened in rapid succession of organization, things aren’t always as they seem and it all just about wore me out. I’m just not used to and there are still some piles of fanzines that remain being so mobile — whew! And if you think I’m unfiled, unalphabetized, and unorganized. Natur- playing the fool, I invite you to walk a mile in my ally, a lot of my Vegas zines falls into that category knees. Otherwise, please refer to the last paragraph and, as a result, I have been so far unsuccessful in my for my feelings on that subject and apply them to this attempts to establish where the speech was published. one. Otherwise, bless your little hearts, I appreciate So I reached out to Ken Forman, who was on the your patience. convention committee and was also heavily involved Next issue we will return to our original reason in, as he puts it, “the publishing juggernaut that was for being and once again bring you something that Vegas Fandom of the ‘90s.” But even he wasn’t sure. has been in hiding for far too long. If all goes accord- “If you were to ask me if Arnie had published ing to my plans, it will be one of the most unique Greg's talk I would have to answer, ‘Probably, but fanzines I’ve ever pulled together. I’ll leave it to your maybe not,’” he wrote. “I don't honestly remember imagination what it might be. I’ve already been work- one way or the other. We were doing lots of fanzines ing on the manuscript and I can tell you that I’m then and [we] pubbed a lot of material. (Bill Rotsler really excited about it. And, if that issue turns out to once said, ‘Vegas Fandom has the strength of 10 be- be a little bit late, too, I hope you’ll understand. Some- cause they are 20.’) However, the ‘probably not’ is times you can’t hurry greatness, or fanzines, though warranted because we rarely published GoH speeches, I promise to try. although I can't give you a definite reason why. If I As always, if you’ve got any old manuscripts lay- were a gambling man, I'd say it's probably never ing around at the bottom of the parrot cage, or under been published.” the wobbly leg of the end table, pull them out of So he was no help at all. He should go live some- there and send them to me. I’ll send you a tiny block where far away where he can commune with nature of wood to replace them. (While the block probably and — no, wait, he already did that. Never mind. So won’t do anything to protect the bottom of the cage now it’s up to you guys to help determine if Greg’s from Polly’s little turds, your table will never wobble speech has appear in print before. Has it previously again. I guarantee it.) been imprinted on a dead tree or not? If any of you Remember, chillens: Fannish archeology lives, know, please drop me a line and I’ll enlighten every- even if its authors don’t. body next issue? (I’ll send you a No Prize!) Dan Steffan, July 7, 2016 ©2016

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Digest became available for the Benford has a pleasant, if unre- EMAILIA four first time on newsstands. Prior markable, countenance, but I PAUL SKELTON: Ah yes, the once to that time, it had always been don’t think even you would argue ubiquitous Reader’s Digest, “Enter- strictly a subscription only publi- that his brother is absolutely taining, Informing & Inspiring cation. It did not sell. hideous. Since 1922” according to their Although the illo for “The Crack- STEVE STILES: It was great to see website. Would they lie to us? I ed Eye” was drawn two years my long lost Greg Benford illo. don’t think so. I too recall the before the Baltimore worldcon People like Grant can do great cari- Humor in Uniform section, and took place, I must have been using catures of almost anyb ody, but another called, I think, Life’s Like my gift for predicting the future with me it’s strictly hit and miss, That. The occasional article was when I produced it because I did more the latter than the former. sometimes interesting too and I actually end up interacting with (Right now I’m having difficulty was always keen on increasing my several quasi-primates during drawing Gen. Smedley “War Is A word power. that con. Though to be honest, I Racket” Butler, despite his big The other thing I recall about can’t swear they were actually nose.) Still, Greg is one person Reader’s Digest is their ‘Condens- chimps. They could have been whose likeness I can nail fairly ed Books’ series, copies of which orangutans or gibbons. could be found in all backstreet easily, which is strange because used books stores, as well as in the Greg’s phiz doesn’t have any out- LEIGH EDMONDS: I took Fugg- bookshelves of the parents of vari- standing grotesquery, like a weird head with me on my travels down ous friends. I was never sure what nose, hairy warts, over sized chin to Melbourne today to interview the point was behind the conden- and/or ears, to zero in on and another old Melbourne SF Club sation. Was it so that you could exaggerate. member. The interview went well get a greater variety of reading I will also mention that I liked and I learned more about the gay matter into the average family’s your cartoon for Gary Hubbard’s dives in Melbourne in the late typical small three-shelf book- article, but was Baltimore’s World- 1950s than I thought it was possi- case? Or was it instead to enable con, Constellation, really run by ble to know. This had nothing folk to get the gist of moderately- chimpanzees? I do know that one directly to do with the Club, but it great literature without too adverse of the committee’s members now is interesting to learn of the differ- an impact on their busy sched- looks like a mummified spider ent backgrounds that club mem- ules? If so, surely a better solution monkey, but I have some personal bers came from. What brought would be a single volume of happy memories of that con; I got them together was a love of the Reader’s Digest Condensed Plot to snub my ex-wife and also make literature and the need to find Summaries? More likely, I sup- out with a beautiful blonde twenty others who shared that love. pose, was to enable poseurs to say something woman in front of an- The other thing — which was “Yeah, I’ve read that” in conversa- other nasty ex, thoughtfully insti- not the case in the US and perhaps tion, without the risk of being un- gated by my beautiful blonde also in the UK — was the scarcity able to respond coherently should friend. of SF after the war. I can remem- the other party wish to develop The recent 50th Balticon, how- ber trawling secondhand book the subject further. ever, did seem like it was run by shops in the late 1960s looking I haven’t thought of Reader’s chimps; the programming was a for SF and the situation was even Digest in yonks. Is this the current bad joke, it was shambles: pro- worse in the years after the war. equivalent of a ‘skatekey’? gram items were being continually So, some of the early club mem- If it isn’t, it’s surely akin to a shifted to other rooms or canceled bers met each other in second- ‘Lazy Susan?’ without any notification. Doug hand book shops. It turns out that I managed a newsstand for Fratz was scheduled for two differ- one of the best was knocked down many years and watched the de- ent program items at three o'clock to make way for the Southern cline of print media from the inside. Saturday, for example. And check- Cross Hotel where the first Aussie- It was painful to watch the indus- ing my stuff in and out of the art con was held. Anyhow, you will try dwindle as more people switch- show was a logistical nightmare. be able to read all about it when ed to getting their news and info One of the volunteers bit my head the history is finished in another on their computers instead of the off when I attempted to joke with three years of so. daily papers. It crashed pretty her but instead offended her pc I enjoyed Lucy's piece, it reads fast, and that was several years sensibilities — her cho ice to be as though the South is much like before you could get it all on your offended, I guess. Being raised on the Australian North. Not that I phone. Lenny Bruce and Mort Sahl has have spent much time there, and Ironically, as a symptom of its dangers these days. hope never to do so. I did spend the industry’s decline, The Reader’s I agree with you that Greg three days in Alabama back in the

'90s and that was quite enough to say yes when you mean no. There was some more rock- for me. I was staying with a Dutch Southern hospitality is all about ing, and finally the third Southern academic who was lecturing at seeming so nice butter wouldn’t lady spoke up and said, “My tenth Auburn for a year and we went melt in your mouth while still being wedding anniversary was two years over to spend the evening with an able to direct great scorn on those ago," and the other two Southern English academic. On the way to who are your social inferiors. “Y’all ladies said, “How nice.” his place we passed a real, honest come back now, y’h ea r?” often The second Southern lady con- to ghod frat house with young men translates as “Please do not ever tinued, “For my tenth wedding and women cavorting out the darken my doorstep again.” “Y’all” anniversary, my husband sent me front. I thought they were made is a great Southern word because to finishing school.” The other up for movies and could not exist of its exclusiveness. While often two Southern ladies stopped rock- in reality. defined as the plural of “you,” it is ing, and one of them said, “Fin- While at the Englishman's (like “you”) both singular and ishing school? That’s not much of place we drank a lot more than we plural. “How y’all doi ng?” can be a tenth wedding anniversary should have and did not make an addressed to one person or a multi- present. How come your husband edifying sight toppling over on the tude. To avoid ambiguity when sent you to finishing school?” And way home later in the night. you mean plural, there’s “all y’all." the third Southern lady said, “So I I also enjoyed Gary's piece. As Besides “y’all,” the other essen- could learn how to say ‘How nice’ they say, all knowledge is in fan- tial Southern expression is “How instead of ‘Fuck you.’” zines, and I learned a lot from his nice.” To understand what “how Despite being born in Kentucky article that maybe I didn't need to nice” means, you have to know and having spent more than 30 know, but it made me laugh. the story of the three Southern years in Virginia, I never mutated Though it may be old news to ladies rocking on the porch. into much of a Southerner. My others, I was mightily impressed accent remained firmly lodged to hear about your fanhistory pro- somewhere between mid-Atlan- ject. I hope you’ll keep us up to tic suburbia and television date on your progress. character English. Australian fans are lucky Nevertheless, “y’all” did worm when it comes to this kind of a its way into my vocabulary and history because, much like the has stayed there even after more UK, your fandom was historical- than 10 years living in the Pacific ly small enough in size that a Northwest, where the accent is writer might actually be able to even more neutral. capture it in one place. LLOYD PENNEY: I never did get Despite Harry Warner’s ac- any copies of BLAT!, but then, I complishments, I think it would was still pretty new to the whole be nearly impossible to pull After a while, the first South- thing back then. I know what you together a comprehensive history ern lady spoke up and said, “I just mean about the token Hugo nom- of American fandom that wouldn’t celebrated my tenth wedding anni- inations — I got one of those six crush a Volvo when it was pub- versary,” and the other two South- years ago, and the egoboo was lished — if it was published. But ern ladies said, “How nice.” great, if transitory. I’ve had some that’s a project that should have The first Southern lady contin- fun with the FAAN Awards, too, been started in the ‘70s and ‘80s ued, “For my tenth wedding anni- but some have taken me to task when the old timers still walked versary, my husband took me on for them, and I am not sure why. the Earth and could provide us a trip to Paris,” and the other two I guess they were making sure I all with all the real poop. Southern ladies said , “How nice.” didn’t enjoy them too much. After another period of rock- Gee, Lloyd. I’m sure they only MICHAEL DOBSON: As a South- ing, the second Southern lady said, meant to keep you from getting a ern expat (Decatur, Alabama), I “I celebrated my tenth wedding big head. Hats are too expensive particularly enjoyed Lucy Hunt- anniversary last year,” and the for unwanted cranial growth. zinger’s piece, and thought she other two Southern ladies said, captured life below the Manson- “How nice.” WAHF: Earl Kemp, Paul Di Filippo, Nixon line quite well. My theory The second Southern lady con- John Shirley, John D Berry, Randy has always been that the reason Byers, John Purcell, Bruce Gillespie, tinued, “For my ten th wedding Rob Jackson, Pat Charnock, Jim Lin- the South is so religious is the same anniversary, my husband bought wood, Ted White, Greg Benford, Jay reason it’s so hot — it’s closer to me a diamond ring,” and the Kinney, Jeff Schalles, Jim Meadows, hell than other places. other two Southern ladies said, Robert Lichtman, Ken Forman, Brad Lucy mentions the tendency “How nice.” Foster, and Francis Towner Lunney. 21

ARTWORKS & PHOTOS: 1 & 21 - Bill Rotsler 3 - Lynn Steffan 4,6 & 9 - Grant Canfield 5 - Dan Steffan 7 - Jim Barker 8 - Unknown 10 & 14 - Jay Kinney 11 - Arthur Thomson 12 & 22 - Steve Stiles 19 - Harry Bell