Ight Tech Page 11 Romance Pages 12 Entertainment Pages 13-15 Dining Pages 16-17 Music Page 19-37 Humor Page 38 Horoscopes

FeaturedFeatured ArtistArtist ArethaAretha FranklinFranklin CITY THEATRE’S The Male Intellect: An Oxymoran? NIG HT T H Mic EC rosoft Surface TTopop 1010 SummerSummer TTravravelel TipsTips

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SPICE, GROCERY BEST INDIAN GROCERY STORE FRESH VEGETABLES Pittsburgh Magazine 2006 SWEETS, JEWELRY, 326 ATWOOD STREET EXOTIC GIFTS, PITTSBURGH, PA 15213 CLOTHES (Next to India Garden, Oakland) PHONE CARDs 11AM – 11PM DAILY AUDIO & VIDEO....ETC CALL: 412-682-2616 CONTENTS AND STAFF Contents Page 3 Theatre Page 4 Urban Fitness Pages 6-7 Wine & Brew Page 8 Travel Page 9 Night Tech Page 11 Romance Pages 12 Entertainment Pages 13-15 Dining Pages 16-17 Music Page 19-37 Humor Page 38 Horoscopes

Staff Publisher: Joyce Campisi Editor-in-Chief: Joyce Campisi Executive Editor: Joseph P. Campisi, III Production Manager: Rob Hoffman Photographer: Craig Heinauer Graphic Designer: Donnie Garber Dennis Kostley Account Manager: John Fantin Administrative Assistant: Tammie Miller Feature Writers: Suz Pisano, Trish Imbrogno, Kara Czerniak, Christopher Harper, David Mayle, Ashley N. Murray Contributing Writers: Bill Mace Jean Mace Dottie Wilhelm Lori Hon Webmaster: Benjamin Auman Distribution: Take One USA

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2 • July 2007 ENTERTAINMENT The Male Intellect: An Oxymoron? At The City Theatre

Getting dumped has never been funnier in Robert Dubac’s she concluded that his refusal to allow her cat to sleep one-man comedy at the City Theatre running now through July on their bed meant he didn't want to sleep with her. 28 at the Lester Hamburg Studio Theatre. Attempting to come to terms with this feminine logic, In this hilarious one-man show, a regular guy tries to figure Bobby begins to examine how men and women are out what women really want after he gets dumped by his different. "Honesty is the most important thing to a girlfriend. He looks from right brain to left, and when self-help woman," he concludes, "unless you're telling the truth books don’t actually help, he consults five dubious role- about her." models: a French lover, a fast-talking jerk, an old fisherman, a The end result of Dubac's discourse is an evening of Southern-fried Colonel, and a bone-headed tough-guy. This hit gentle male/female gender bashing that is as harmless comedy ultimately celebrates the difference between the sexes as it is amusing. As he says from the stage, there are with non-stop laughter. hundreds of bestselling books that cover the same Interacting quite freely with the audience, Dubac's alter ego territory he does -- but his show is faster. Bobby confronts the eternal male question -- What do women Performance dates and time vary so please call the want? Dubac does not delve too deeply into the psychological Box Office for complete details. General Schedule is or philosophical depths of such a loaded subject but does Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays: 8PM – Saturdays – provide humorous, indeed occasionally hilarious, insights into 5:30PM and July 7 & 28 – 9PM. Ticket Prices - $35 to the coming-of-age struggles of an average guy. $45 – and can be purchased by calling the Box Office Bobby begins his journey of discovery two weeks after he 412.431.CITY (2489) or online at has been dumped by his fiancée. Anxiously waiting by the CityTheatreCompany.org – Get $5.00 per ticket by telling phone for her expected call, Bobby begins to examine the them you saw them in Nightwire!! reasons for the breakup, which still has him baffled. It seems

July 2007 • 3 FITNESS Urban Obstacle Course by: Trish Imbrogno

A walk or run downtown on your lunch hour is a great with the left. way to squeeze a cardiovascular workout into your day. Incline Push-Up. Place the palms of your hands Whether you travel one mile or ten, adding a few strength on the bench, stepping the legs out long. As you inhale, exercises into the mix can substantially enhance the total bend the elbows, bringing the chest to the bench. effect of your workout! Exhale; straighten arms and return to start. Increase the After warming up for about five minutes (walking), run or difficulty by lifting one leg. pick up the pace of your walk for 2-3 minutes. After the first cardio interval, add in one of the following exercises Side Step-Ups. Stand with the outside of your for 10-15 repetitions. right left facing the bench. Repeat a cardio interval for Step up with the right, 2-3 minutes and a strength followed by the left and exercise until you finish your “If you’re short on time, do return to start. Complete workout. You can do as fewer repetitions of the strength the set on the right and many sets of each as your repeat with the left. lunch-hour allows. If you’re exercises and continue the short on time, do fewer longer cardiovascular segments!” Tricep Dip. Sit on the repetitions of the strength edge of the bench, placing exercises and continue the the palms of your hands longer cardiovascular segments! Be sure to leave at least (fingers wrapped around the edge) next to your hips. five minutes to stretch the whole body after your workout. Gently lift your glutes forward off of the bench. As you Each of the following exercises requires a bench or low breath in, bend your elbows, lowering the hips down. wall to complete: Exhale, straighten the arms and repeat.

Step-up. Place your right foot on the bench. As you Calf Raises. Stand with feet hip-width apart (no exhale, focus on your quads, straighten the right leg, wall needed!). Exhale and roll onto the balls of the feet, tapping the left tow on the bench. Carefully return the left keeping the body weight even across both feet. Inhale foot to the ground, bending the right knee to starting and return to start. For a challenge, do not let the heels position. Complete the set on the right leg, then follow touch the floor betweens repetitions.

4 • July 2007 July 2007 • 5 WINE AND BREW Suggestions On Choosing Sweet Wines and Wine Temperature

First, do you like reds or whites? Sweet reds are a bit harder to find, but if you like sweet whites, try a Riesling [Reez-ling]. Look for a Johannisburg Riesling and/or a Late Harvest Riesling, the latter being the sweeter of the two. The term "late harvest" refers to wines made from grapes left on the vine longer than usual, allowing more sugar to develop inside the grapes so they produce sweeter wine. Slightly to medium sweet white wines are the Rieslings of Germany, sold as Kabinett [kah-bee- NET] or Spatlese [schp-ate'-laze-a] (German for late harvest). They are light, fragrant, crisp, airy; highly food versatile, and just as good by themselves! Any wine specialist retailer can recommend a good one. So don't be afraid to ask, since they usually take a lot of pride in recommending quality selections. Still sweeter German wines are designated as Auslese, Beerinauslese, Trokenbeerinauslese, or Eiswein. Other types that might appeal to you are white zinfandels, which are really pink in color, sometimes referred to as a "blush" wine. DeLoach makes a nice one as does Beringer. Both should be easily found. Asti Spumante is an Italian sparkling wine that is sweetish and often beloved by beginners. As for red wines, a lower alcohol beverage wine with sweetness is Lambrusco from Italy. Riunite is a very affordable national brand that you can find almost anywhere. You might like Ernest & Julio Gallo's "Cafe Zinfandel", a sweetish red wine with a nice combination of fruit and almost a cinnamony undertone, very guzzle-able when cold. Many have some degree of sweetness to them and some of the finest red wines in the world are naturally sweet e.g. Vintage Port, certain late harvest A general rule of thumb: Zinfandels. Bearing that in mind, in most red wines-- Red wine, 65 degrees (F). unless the wine is a dessert wine-- sweetness is usually White & rose wine, 55 degrees (F). considered either a flaw or an indication of being Champagne & other bubbly, 45 degrees (F). a "jug wine". To get to those temperatures reds can normally just be kept If you like REALLY sweet wine, such as a dessert in the cellar. This is also called "cellar temperature." Whites wine...try a port. A port is a fortified red wine, which and rose's can be put in the fridge for a few hours, and the means it is higher in alcohol than table wines, but it can bubblies longer. It is far better to use an ice bucket. Fill the be great with or as dessert. We suggest you try Ficklin bucket up with ice about 4/5ths, cover the ice with water. If Port. It has nice sweetness, great ripe fruit flavors and is the "room" temperature of your reds are over 65 degrees, a wonderful after dinner beverage with or without some immerse them for five minutes; whites and rose's for ten walnuts and/or a piece of cheese. The world's most minutes; and bubblies for fifteen to twenty minutes. Light reds famous (and most expensive) white dessert wines are such as Bardolino, Valpolicella, Nouveau and Plain Ole French Sauternes. Very sweet, so they are not Beaujolais, and others of that weight should soak nearly as something to quaff down with dinner. long as the whites. There are definite temperature zones where Wine Temperature: wine types seem to display more flavor as well as fruitier, Which wines need to be chilled for the best taste? fresher aromas. What is the right temperature for serving various wines? Continued on Page 7

6 • July 2007 WINE AND BREW

A number of blind tasting tests over the years have been As a general rule of thumb, the most age worthy wines conducted involving the same wine at different temperatures. are based on one of three grapes: Cabernet Sauvignon, Often, the differences are so dramatic that unsuspecting Syrah, or Nebbiolo. Perfect examples of these three are tasters actually believe that they are tasting different wines. red Bordeaux, Hermitage, and Barolo, respectively. In any case, we've found that moderately tannic reds like Allow yourself to be steered to wines that people in the Merlot has been shown to taste "better" to most people at know refer to as "tannic." Tannin is the compound in slightly lower than normal room temperature -- somewhere wine, deriving principally from the skin of the grape, that between 60 and 65 degrees Farenheit. If your room is around allows wine to age well. Tannin makes the wine "dry" in 75, you'll definitely need to stick it in the fridge for at least your mouth, meaning that wines that possess a lot of it half an hour. After that (as Curmudgeon points out), it's cause the roof of your mouth to lose its moisture, and personal taste. I, for instance, don't mind a bit more of a may even cause a puckering as well. It is because of this chill; and so I like a red in the fridge for at least an hour. And quality that people sometimes say tannin in young wine of course, as previously noted, super high tannin reds like can be "searing." Wines that are tannic are often Cabernet Sauvignon, and many Zinfandels and Syrahs, need unapproachable when young, but over time, the tannins a tad less chill, yet still are preferred somewhere between 62 soften and give the wine a structure that allows it to age and 68. Many Pinot Noirs, as well as a many "country" reds both gracefully and, it is hoped, elegantly. from various countries, seem to be preferred somewhere You will need a cool, dark or dimly lighted area that is between 50 and 60. Beaujolais and Gamay types, right down somewhat humid to store your wine. The temperature to close to the fully chilled level of 45 to 50. should be right around 50 to 55 degrees F. and should Finally, once you find the optimal temperature for yourself, remain fairly constant throughout the storage period. you should also consider the "warming" factor as bottles sit Wine that is stored in conditions warmer than these out -- which is the reason why I always slightly over-chill. tend to age faster. A wine you would normally consider You see, I live in Paradise (Hawaii, where it's always warm), keeping for 6 to 10 years might only be kept for 3 to 5 and so it's a common thing for us to just open up the years before it "goes over the top". Bright lighting can freezer and grab some ice cubes to throw into our glasses also have a deleterious affect on wine so you'll want your of favorite reds. cellar to remain dark or dimly lighted at best.

July 2007 • 7 TRAVEL Top 10 Summer Travel Tips jug of water and nonperishable food. We also recommend some basic tools (wrench, ratchet/socket set, screwdriver, Whether you're heading out on a weekend road trip, pliers or vice-grips.) or planning a long family vacation, you'll want to make 5.Pack smart. Take only want you really need, most of us sure the summer driving season brings maximum over pack. Think about each item carefully and ask yourself…. enjoyment and minimum stress. Before you pack up the Do we really need that? car, check out these travel tips. 6.Load smart. Don’t bury items you may need along with way. 1.Check your tires. This includes pressure and Keep coolers in your truck so that you have easy access to condition of all tires including your spare. Be sure to them. check you maintain proper tire pressure by checking it often during the summer months. Heat causes changes 7.Avoid fatigue. Make sure you start your trip with a good in the pressure. nights sleep.Stop often and take a break, go for a walk enjoy the countryside, take some photos. 2.Check your fluids. Check the coolant/antifreeze mixture inside your vehicle's radiator. The ideal ratio of 8.Tow, tow, tow your boat or camper…Keep it slow, keep it coolant to water is 50-to-50 for optimal temperature smooth. Be sure to check your lights and be sure and break regulation in both cold weather and hot. You can check with caution. this with a simple and inexpensive antifreeze tester, which you can find at all auto parts stores. 9.Take the scenic route. Life is really all about the journey, so take time to enjoy it!! 3.Give the rest of your car a once-over. Inspect all the belts and hoses. 10.Be nice! A smile goes a long way. Consider this, your tired the car traveling next to you has a driver equally as tired as 4.Prepare an emergency kit for your car. Here's what you. Be courteous, be kind, don’t hog the road, let faster we recommend carrying in a safe, secure part of your driver pass you safely. Don’t tailgate. Be patient with trucks trunk or cargo area: a flashlight, flares and first-aid kit, and vacationing families in RV’s. They have a right to the road jumper cables, mat or blanket in the event you need to too, and if we can all learn to get along, the road can be a fun change a tire, gloves, paper towels, extra washer fluid, place to spend time.

Care about animals? Have a little time to... spare? Then this event is right up your... alley! presents

8 • July 2007 NIGHT TECH Microsoft Surface

Microsoft is now stepping into a new arena: digital furniture. The company plans to unveil a revolutionary computing device called the Microsoft Surface… The Microsoft Surface computing device features a 30- inch screen embedded in an acrylic tabletop. This device will look really sleek as all wires are hidden in the low- slung table’s thick pedestal. Basically the Microsoft Surface which is the first in a new category of surface computing products from the software giant turns an ordinary tabletop into a vibrant, dynamic surface that provides effortless interaction with all forms of digital content through natural gestures, touch and physical objects. At a glance, the Microsoft Surface would remind anyone of an old-fashioned arcade game table around which gamers gather to play games. However, the only difference is that this tabletop does not have a joystick, nor a mouse or a keyboard. The device is controlled solely by touching the display. According to Microsoft, this touch screen will allow people to “interact with digital content the same way they have interacted with everyday items including photos, paintbrushes and music their entire life: with hands, with gestures and by putting real-world objects on the By the end of 2007, Microsoft Surface will appear in surface.” hotels, restaurants, retail stores and public entertainment For instance, when a digital camera with Wi-Fi sites, where it will serve as an information kiosk. It will even capabilities is placed on the display, the table recognizes handle things such as basic customer service. the camera, and at just a touch of the screen, downloads Steve Ballmer, Microsoft’s chief executive said in a all photos and video clips stored on the camera. The user statement, “With Surface, we are creating more intuitive can then sort out the digital pictures and even resize ways for people to interact with technology. We see this as them, handling them as they were real physical prints. a multibillion-dollar category, and we envision a time when And that is not all. The Microsoft Surface display can surface computing technologies will be pervasive, from also read bar codes and identification tags embedded in tabletops and counters to the hallway mirror. objects like hotel chain membership cards. Those who are partnering with Microsoft to be amongst The Microsoft Surface display will initially be used on a the first companies to use Microsoft Surface include commercial bases, but the company hopes that this Harrah’s Entertainment, Starwood Hotels and Resorts technology will someday make its way and become Worldwide and T-Mobile USA. The price of commonplace in homes as well. MicrosoftSurface has however not been disclosed as yet.

Key features of the Microsoft Surface: • Direct interaction: Users can actually “grab” digital information with their hands, interacting with content by • Multi-user: The horizontal form factor makes it easy touch and gesture, without the use of a mouse or for several people to gather around surface computers keyboard. together, providing a collaborative, face-to-face • Multi-touch: Surface computing recognizes many computing experience. points of contact simultaneously, not just from one finger • Object recognition: Users can place physical objects like a typical touch-screen, but up to dozens of items at on the surface to trigger different types of digital once. responses, including the transfer of digital content.

July 2007 • 9 10 • July 2007 ROMANCE It Takes Two to Tango: Sensual Massage for Pleasure by:Kara Czerniak

Couples often say that they don’t have an easy time of getting into a satisfying experience with their lover. What does that mean? It means that after so long together, their sexual experience becomes routine, often leaving them feeling devoid of intimacy. It is not easy to admit this to each other, and that often keeps them for searching for ways to introduce the intimacy again. Massage is a very easy tool that can be used for this purpose. Often times, couples will shy away from massage, looking at it as just another road to intercourse. Massage, and touch itself,can be so much more than that. Not all touch is sexual. There is usually confusion between sensual touch and sexual touch, and that is where the misconceptions lie. Sensual touch or massage is touch for the pleasure it gives -- lavishing in touch for its own sake or to bring two people closer together. Sensual touch offers more connection, bringing about a vulnerability we often don’t allow ourselves during sexual touch. You and your partner should talk about the kind oftouch you wish to give and receive before you begin the massage. That way, there will be no hurt feelings or dashed hopes. You may find that different moods call for different strokes.

You may try: • Long slow strokes over the skin • Deep, probing strokes on the shoulders, legs, and arms • Light little finger kisses that ignite sensation • Softly gliding the palm of your hand over the whole body • Gently pulling fingers through the hair • Giving a nice back rub or tummy rub

To make your touch time more pleasurable, try slowing down and using a lighter touch. For healing, you may find that you feel more confident or even do a better job at pushing good to the receiver. Eye contact, if possible, is also deeply into the tissues, making you more of a deep tissue reallyimportant with sensual massage, deepening the massage giver; or you might like the long slow strokes on the connection.One of the best benefits of sensual massage surface of the skin that are the mark of the Swedish method. is pleasure. While a sensual massage certainly can lead Thenagain, you may feel like learning more on your own about to sex, it doesn’t have to. It can be all about feeling acupressure and become a savvy points-pusher. good, without sex entering the picture. You get to For pleasure, you might develop a combination of strokes, choose. rhythms, and intensities or special movements. These will probably change with time and as you develop your own unique style. Maybe you like to make little butterfly wings with your fingers on your partner’s flesh or pull on your lover’s Kara Czerniak is a romance consultant with UndercoverWear, Inc., a company earlobes, or even use your mouth more than your fingers as dedicated to empowering women and their relationships. She can be contacted for your style. The whole idea is to create sensations that feel home parties and individual questions at 412-719-7003 or by email at [email protected].

July 2007 • 11 ENTERTAINMENT The Cabana Bar

Your Summer Vacation Destination is Closer Than you Think!! The Cabana Bar is located at the Oxford Athletic Club in Wexford, minutes from downtown Pittsburgh here is where you will find a piece paradise. The surroundings will astound and totally put you into a state of peace and relaxation. With 100’s of real palm trees, white sand beaches, 9 fireplaces, a huge waterfall and rope swings and beach chairs. You can chill out with a specialty drinks or one of their nightly beer specials. Or if you want to dance, they have that too, with DJ’s spinning music nightly to help you unwind or get down and dance. Plus, the wait staff is very friendly and waiting to serve and take care of you! You’ll feel like you been transported to an exotic beach. Here you can dance, socialize or just sit and relax in your bare feet on the sandy beaches. Sipping margarita’s, bahama mama’s or any number of tropical drinks available at one of their two bars. The Cabana Bar hosts “Happy Hour” Monday through Friday from 4PM till 6PM. Open 7 nights a week Monday – Friday 4pm till 2AM and Saturday and Sunday 12 noon till 2AM. This is the “in” place to be seen! It is seriously like being on vacation without the drive! There is nothing more relaxing than being able to chill out after a hard day at work. Here, you can leave your troubles and worries behind and experience a tropical oasis 7 nights a week. Best of all, it’s right here in Pittsburgh…even on a chilly night, you’ll be kept toasty warm by their fire pits and overhead heaters. Plus, even if a tropical storm should arise, you can sit undercover and enjoy the rain without getting wet! Who could ask for anything more….. Aw…you can almost hear the roar of the ocean! The Cabana Bar is located at 100 Village Club Drive at the Oxford Athletic Club in Wexford. You can call them at 724-934-7876 or visit them online at www.thecabanabar.com

12 • July 2007 DINING Emiliano’s Review By: Suz Pisano

The staff of Nightwire really enjoys ethnic cuisine and bringing you new and exciting establishments that offer dishes native to other cultures. This month we visited Emiliano’s Mexican Restaurant & Cantina located in McIntyre Square, North Hills. We had a veritable fiesta of Mexican food and want to share it with our readers. Locally owned, and with a wealth of restaurant experience, Manager Benny Ulloa and his wife Vianeth bring authentic family recipes to your family. Most of the dishes are prepared with flavorful marinades that will leave your taste buds tingling with delight. Our first dish was Arroz con Pollo ($6.99), marinated chicken strips grilled with sautéed onions, bell peppers, mushrooms and tomatoes. It was as delicious as colorful. Camarones al Mojo de Ajo ($6.99), grilled shrimp marinated in homemade garlic sauce was a table favorite. We also tried the Veggie Fajitas ($10.79) which were delicious even to us carnivores! I highly recommend this dish as healthy with Maragarita and Sangria selections. The menu offers fresh & flavorful. There are numerous vegetarian offerings an extensive selection of dishes with pictures and easy which is nice to know, and by the way- only one of them is the to understand descriptions. This is a great family standard veggie burrito! restaurant. You can even “build your own combos” if Not to be missed are the selections on the Specialties you want to try a few different things. Although Mexicano section of the extensive menu- we sampled Emiliano’s serves both tacos & burritos, there is so much Emiliano’s Fajitas ($12.99) which was a sliced chicken breast to choose from you’ll want to try new dishes and topped with Monteray jack cheese and bacon crumbles. One definitely share with your dining mates. I couldn’t of our dining mates said, “Everything tastes good with bacon imagine not tasting my partner’s food! on it!” and boy was he right. These fajitas were delicious with Mark Emiliano’s Mexican Restaurant & Cantina as a an unexpected savory component. We also tried the favorite, you won’t be disappointed. We were there on a Enchiladas Suizas ($8.99) four corn tortillas filled with chicken Monday and the place was packed! They’ve only been and topped with cheese sauce, green Tomatillo sauce and open about 2 months & it’s already a hit! Get there for sour cream. This is a nice change of pace from standard your own fiesta and be sure and try their margarita’s and Mexican fare. If you like enchiladas - try these; the green sangria! Emiliano’s is located at 8600 McKnight Road – Tomatillo sauce is refreshing. McIntyre Square (next to the Olive Garden). Emiliano’s is open seven days a week complete with lunch They are open Sunday 12PM to 9PM, Monday through and kids menus and desserts. Thursday 11AM to 10PM and Friday and Saturday 11AM You’ll not want to miss the Fried Ice Cream ($4.99) or my to 10:30PM. Phone: 412-366-8484 favorite- Sopapillas ($2.99). A full bar compliments the menu

July 2007 • 13 DINING REVIEW Lunch at Ugly by: Suz Pisano

I can’t wait to tell you where we got to go this month favorites; she knows the menu inside and out and is very for an amazing lunch with 4 of my friends. The place has attentive to every detail. Her personality shines and you been around for about 2 years, it’s predominantly a sports can tell she appreciates her customers. How refreshing in bar, located right by PNC Park, owned by a local celebrity the service industry…but it gets better…the food…let’s and its AWESOME and UGLY. Yep, you guessed it- Ugly talk about the food, right? Bar & Restaurant on the Northshore. What you may not UGLY Chef Mick Adams started us off with a sampling know about Ugly is that they serve a full menu with of his wings- we tried the General Tso’s and the Buffalo excellent food, excellent and friendly service at even more Ranch flavors. Both were tangy but not too spicy and the excellent prices. I’m so excited to tell you all about it! size of the wings was commendable. By the pound ($7) Remember Bubba from the old B-94 days? Or with your choice of 10 different original flavors these currently your find him hosting the morning show with JR wings are a winner! They must go through thousands and Kate on the STAR 100.7. Well, he’s taken his every week. commitment to providing funny and irreverent humor to A nice compliment to the wings as an appetizer was radio listeners and turned it into an equally fun and the Grilled Zucchini ($5); served with a side of marinara, entertaining place to be right on Federal Street. Located beautifully presented and absolutely fresh- we all loved at 208 Federal Street, a stone’s throw away from PNC this idea. Serving grilled zucchini seems so simple, but Park & Heinz Field- you’ll feel right at home with friendly everyone wants to deep fry it- take a break from the deep staff, drink specials, daily soup and lunch specials. I’ve fry & let the fresh grilled flavor satisfy your taste buds, been a fan even before UGLY hosted roller derby and plus it’s healthy! rugby club fundraisers. The food is amazing- definitely Ugly has many “Taste Bud Tinglers” aka appetizers to not you’re standard bar fare. Everything at UGLY is choose from, everything from Quesadillas to Nachos homemade- soups, salad dressings, salsa, to Homemade Hummus and Spinach Artichoke potato chips and even cheesecake, but I’ll & Crab Dip. get to that later. This is really a fun place As the tray of entrees began whether it’s just for lunch or before or arriving, we were dying to dive after a ball game. The staff really seems into the main dishes. Chef Mick & to love it here and that always Assistant Chef Larry Staving translates to good service in my seemed particularly pleased to book. personally deliver their kitchen Our creations. Chef Mick talked to us server about the size of the freezer- almost Danielle non-existent, he prides himself on is one of being able to offer fresh ingredients my daily. You can tell these guys really work well together. They describe themselves as a team and I’ll call them Champions as I describe the delicious dishes they prepared for our party. First, we sampled a gorgeous dish of Pasta Aglio ($10). This consisted of sautéed chicken, fresh spinach, garlic & tomatoes in a light olive oil Parmesan sauce. It was served with garlic toast and very delicious. You’ll be surprised not only by the portion size but by the menu continued on page 15

14 • July 2007 DINING REVIEW

offerings of this caliber. We were also presented with a daily week. We tried, actually fought over, the Bananas Foster special- Jamaican Jerk Chicken Salad ($8) served with a fresh Cheesecake. What could be better than two great fruit salsa & homemade dressing. This was a nice spicy and desserts melded together in one? It was creamy, not too sweet combination with a little kick. For something completely sweet, with a great crust that held together until the last different- we tried a new addition to the menu- the Fish Burrito bite. I personally can’t wait to see what he whips up for ($8). The flour tortilla contained crispy, not greasy, battered next week’s cheesecake. I hate to say it but, we were fish with a homemade slaw. This is definitely something that is served two pieces for 4 of us & not a worth a try. It’s unique, a nice change of pace from the usual bite…..er……um….….crumb was left! sandwich. We highly recommend it! Next we were served The UGLY does offer catering for that perfect tailgate, UGLY Burgher, what they like to call “big mouth size”, and boy there’s on-street parking and on game days- a lot around they weren’t lyin’…..it’s a ? pound burgher with everything that the corner with very reasonable rates. Private parties are they could possibly put on it- grilled onions, mushrooms, easily accommodated- just call Ashley. She’s open to bacon, lettuce, tomato, American & Cheddar cheeses, any ideas, friendly, smart and great fun to plan an event homemade coleslaw, grilled zucchini and a side of their with- she may even bartend! Bourbon Molasses Steak Sauce. We cut it into pieces to To sum it all up- Nightwire loves UGLY!! The food, the share but it would be fun watching your dining mate order this Chefs, the servers (especially Danielle!), Bubba, the 3 & try to pick it up! This is the premier “burgher” for floors, the bar, the nightlife, the big screen TV’s, there’s Pittsburgher’s, I swear. Other burgher’s are offered and they even beer pong most Friday nights. Great job Bubba!! are all served with homemade chips and a fresh Kosher pickle You’ve really set the standard for high quality, reasonably spear. When you’re in the mood for a great hamburger- UGLY priced food in a great location with an awesome staff in a should be your destination. Remember this is not standard fun atmosphere. UGLY if you leave hungry- it’s your own bar food. fault!! So.. Eat. Drink. Get Ugly!! One last thing, the perfect end to a great meal- Ugly is located at 208 Federal Street on the North dessert…and you know I’m a big fan of dessert, especially Shore – Ph: 412-323-8459 - Check them out at good ones! Chef Mick makes a different Cheesecake every wwww.eatdrinkgetugly.com

July 2007 • 15 MUSIC The New Relics – Let’s Get Them Heard on Pittsburgh Radio by: Joyce Campisi

A few months back we did a feature story on a Pittsburgh area band The New Relics. The New Relics are great band with a lot of potential to make it to the big time. In recent months the band has signed a deal with Howard Rosen Promotions, one of the premiere radio promotion agency in Los Angeles, to promote their single “Pictures” nationwide to Pop-radio. I have heard their music and I will say again that its great music, and great for radio. I begin to wonder however, are Pittsburgh radio stations supporting The New Relics? I understand that radio is a competitive business and stations have to play certain popular music to gain an audience for advertising. I understand that every band in the region probably drops a CD off to the radio station and the stations get overwhelmed. I also think that it’s quite possible that local radio doesn’t support local or regional bands because they are just that; local and regional. Program Directors look at these bands as garage bands and just “some local band” and really don’t support them. They deem them as local and maybe a few get played once or twice on a local music show, but they will never be added to the play list. Is it the attitude that you have to be from out-of-town to get heard in town? The New Relics in my opinion are the heir apparent to The Clarks throne. They are the next Pittsburgh band to break out into the mainstream and probably be as successful or more so than The Clarks. Are we all the pop-radio station formats that can play The New Relics. supporting them? Pittsburgh radio has the opportunity Will they? to propel a great band into the national spotlight and be Radio has become so bland with music that was created in on the forefront of radio instead of being lost in the someone’s computer that it’s lost all organic sound. Where is middle. the new Donnie Iris, the new Joe Grunskecky? Don’t tell me County radio in this town supports its acts. Look at that people don’t want to hear that good music. People want the Povertyneck Hillbillies. Froggy radio put them in music that makes them feel good, think about things in there rotation, supported the band and propelled them into a life or just forget about life and sing along with a great song. large regional powerhouse. Dan Rooney called them for The New Relics do all of that. They need our support. the Super Bowl Pep Rally and Big Ben was in their As an editor of Nightwire, I feel that it’s my responsibility to nationally televised video that went to Number 2 on promote and expose great local arts, foods, events, and GAC. It started with radio. music. My readers and advertisers expect it. I believe its radio My challenge is will WDVE(DVE), WKST(Kiss-FM), responsibility to do the same. If you agree with me.. please WZPT(Star 107), WLTJ(Lite Rock 92), WSHH(Wish 99.7), call your local radio station and request that they play The and WLSW play in rotation The New Relics? These are New Relics!

16 • July 2007 MUSIC Queen of Soul to Reign in Pittsburgh By Ashley N. Murray

Franklin did not take off on Columbia Records because the producers failed to allow her to transform into her own entity. “I cherish the albums we made together, but Columbia was a white company who misunderstood her genius,” John Hammond, Columbia Records, was quoted saying in Franklin’s Rock and Roll Hall of Fame bio. With over 40 albums under her belt, 20 #1 R&B hits, two #1 Pop hits, 17 Grammy Awards, including the Lifetime Achievement Award in 1992, Franklin, without a doubt, found a place to become herself. In 1966, Franklin signed with Atlantic Records and produced her first Atlantic album “I Never Loved a Man the Way I Loved You,” which, according to the Rolling Stone Album Guide, “may stand as the greatest single soul album of all time.” Her rendition of Otis Redding’s “Respect,” the opening track on the album, for which she won her first Grammy, was her first #1 hit on the Billboard’s Pop Charts. “‘Respect’ had the biggest impact, truly global in its influence, with overtones for the civil-rights movement and gender equality,” Jerry Wexler, Atlantic producer, stated in an April 15, 2004 issue of Rolling Stone. Franklin successfully produced 19 albums at Atlantic, In the equation of blues plus jazz plus gospel equals soul, and went on to produce 12 more for Arista Records, one woman’s name should automatically come to mind, Aretha which she signed to in 1980, her longest association Franklin. The Queen of Soul, now at age 65, has created a with any record company. sound so versatile – deep, sexy, quiet, and bold, to name a Through the years, she collaborated with several few of her characteristics – and influential that she has held a major artists, including Elton John, Keith Richard, Annie lasting career for fifty years and counting. Lennox and George Benson, a Pittsburgh native. In In August, Pittsburgh will be graced with her presence with fact, the second of her two #1 pop chart hits was a a much-anticipated performance at Heinz Hall. The concert, duet she sang with George Michael, “I Knew You Were presented by Heinz Hall Special Presentation, takes place on Waiting (For Me),” for which she won two Grammy’s in Thursday, Aug. 2, at 7:30 p.m. 1987. Luther Vandross helped produce two records, A career that began at the age of 14, with her first record, and in 1998, Franklin collaborated with the team of “The Gospel Sound” along side her father, a reverend of the Lauryn Hill, Sean “Puffy” Combs and Jermaine Dupree New Bethel Baptist Church in Detroit, Franklin was able to for the album “A Rose is Still a Rose.” usher her career into the 21st century with “So Damn Happy” Consistently amazing – and productive – are perfect in 2003, her latest album. Because of her father’s prominent words to describe Franklin’s achievements. Forty-five status as a reverend and nationally known gospel singer, of her singles since 1961 have reached the Top Forty, Franklin was influenced by such greats as Sam Cooke, more than any other female performer. In 1987, she Smokey Robinson, Dinah Washington and Mahalia Jackson, was the first female to be inducted into the Rock ‘n Roll all of whom were friends of the Franklin family. Throughout Hall of Fame, and in 1997, she was honored with an her career, Franklin signed with three record labels, the first of induction into the NAACP’s Hall of Fame. which was Columbia Records. There, she spent six years, Now, in 2007, she is on tour again. So, hail to the cutting 10 albums and only producing one pop hit. Yet, queen as Pittsburgh is soon to bow upon her arrival.

July 2007 • 17 18 • July 2007 HUMOR

Three Little Pigs Globalization Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? and took their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. I would like Answer: Princess Diana's death. a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. Question: How come? The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner. I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. I want beer, crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. The meals were Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on brought out, and a while later the waiter approached the table Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on and asked if the little piggies would like any dessert. "I want a Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, banana split," said the first piggy. "I want a cheesecake," said using Brazilian medicines. This information was the second piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," complied by a Canadian, using Bill Gates's technology, exclaimed the third little piggy. "Pardon me for asking," said and it was typed our computer, that uses Taiwanese the waiter to the third little piggy, "But why have you only chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi ordered beer all evening?" workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian You're gonna LOVE me for this.... the third piggy says - drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home! longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegal immigrants....That, my friends, is Globalization!

July 2007 • 19 JOKES, JOKES, JOKES

Heaven change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. Three guys at the pearly gates are greeted by St Peter. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato "Sorry to tell you guys, but we only have room for one of and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly you. We will have a little competition to see who can tell the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." the best story on how they died... Best one gets in, the Once again, the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket other two, well I'm afraid its the elevator to the and places it on the table. basement". The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. The three guys agree. "Excuse me sir. No 1 guy says "Well I live on the 6th floor of an How do you manage to always come up with the exact apartment block and I arrived home early the other day change in your and had a strong feeling my beautiful wife had another pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years man in our apartment. I searched but couldn't find ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I anyone, until I noticed a guy hanging over the balcony, rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My hands gripping the bottom rail like a vice. I saw red and first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just started hitting his hands to no avail, so I grabbed a put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money hammer and hammered at his fingers till he let go with a would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. howl, falling 6 stories. Lucky bastard landed on a pile of "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but cardboard boxes. He was about to take off, so while he you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live! was still a bit stunned, I pushed the refrigerator out the "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the doors and over the rail. It landed on top of him and he exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress was killed instantly. I was so upset over it all I took my asks, "What's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses and gun and blew my brains out". answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt Very interesting said St Peter. Now what about you?" and long legs who agrees with everything I say." No 2 guy says "I live on the 7th floor of an apartment block. I was doing pull ups on the balcony rail when my hands slipped and I fell. Luckily, or so I first thought, I Sacramento, CA (AP) - May 17, managed to grab onto the 6th story railing halting my fall. 2007 I was fine until this maniac started beating on my hands, then hitting them with a hammer. When I finally let go, I Yet another unselfish act of heroism performed by a was lucky to land on these boxes which broke my fall, member of the US Army. but before I could bolt, I was hit by a refrigerator. Dead An Air Force captain narrowly escaped serious injury straight away, and that’s my story". recently when he decided to try horseback riding, even though St Peter is having trouble holding back a laugh at this he had no lessons or prior experience. He mounted the horse, one but manages to say "Very well. That is a good one. unassisted, and the horse immediately sprang into action. Number 3, what about you?" As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the Well", says No 3 guy "I was just sitting in this captain began to slip from the saddle. refrigerator, minding my own business...... " In terror, he grabbed for the horse's mane, but could not get a firm grip. He tried to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he The Ostrich.... began to slide down the side of the horse anyway! A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich The horse galloped along, seemingly impervious to its behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The slipping rider. man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to Finally, losing his frail grip, the Captain attempted to leap the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says away from the horse and throw himself to safety. the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with Unfortunately, his foot became entangled in the stirrup, and the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man he was now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change his head struck against the ground over and over and over. for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich As his head was being battered against the ground and he come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a was mere moments away from unconsciousness, to his great coke. "The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again, the fortune an Army Sergeant shopping at Wal-Mart saw him and man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact quickly unplugged the horse.

20 • July 2007 HUMOR

The Worlds Shortest Books One Liners FRENCH WAR HEROES How do crazy people go through the forest? by Jacques Chirac They take the psycho path.

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY How do you get holy water? by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Boil the hell out of it. Illustrated by Michael Moore What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? MY BEAUTY SECRETS Polaroids. by Janet Reno What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones. MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &

HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton A stick.

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL What do you call cheese that isn't yours? by Hillary Clinton Nacho Cheese.

Sequel: What do you call Santa's helpers? THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY Subordinate Clauses. By Bill Clinton What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko. MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY Frostbite. by Dennis Rodman What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE A pool table. by Al Gore & John Kerry What is a zebra? A COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra. by Dr. J Kevorkian What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE A nervous wreck. by Mike Tyson What's the difference between an oral thermometer and MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS a rectal thermometer? The taste. by O.J. Simpson

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES Anyone can roast beef. by Ted Kennedy Where do you find a no legged dog? MY BOOK OF MORALS Right where you left him. by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

July 2007 • 21 JOKES, JOKES, JOKES Quick One Liners Take my advice; I don't use it anyway. Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you! I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy. If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the I was the next door kid's imaginary friend. UFO. If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. Next time you wave, use all your fingers. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular. The only perfect science is hindsight. I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared. He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? A procrastinator's work is never done. Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it. My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

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22 • July 2007 HUMOR

Before and After You Fall In Love BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccino AFTER - Bagel and instant BEFORE - You take my breath away AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating BEFORE - You look so seductive in black AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing BEFORE - Twice a night AFTER - Twice a month BEFORE - Oysters AFTER - Fishsticks BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you egomaniac BEFORE - Passion BEFORE - Saturday Night Fever AFTER - Ration AFTER - Monday Night Football BEFORE - Once upon a time BEFORE - Don't stop AFTER - The end AFTER - Don't start

BEFORE - Is that all you're having? Are You Normal?? AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to BEFORE - It's like I'm living in a dream time. This little test should do it. AFTER - It's like he lives in a dorm During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the BEFORE - $60/doz. Director which is the criteria that defines a patient to be AFTER - $1.50/stem institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a BEFORE - Turbocharged bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the AFTER - Jumpstart bathtub."

BEFORE - We agree on everything Okay, here's your test: AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own? 1. Would you use the spoon? BEFORE - Victoria's Secret 2. Would you use the teacup? AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom 3. Would you use the bucket?

BEFORE - Charming and Noble "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person AFTER - Chernobyl would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon."

BEFORE - Feathers and handcuffs "No No No No," answered the Director. "A normal person AFTER - Ball and chain would pull the plug."

BEFORE - Idol AFTER - Idle Crabs A man boarded an airplane in St. John's Newfoundland BEFORE - I love a woman with curves with a box of frozen crabs. A female crew member took it AFTER - I never said you were fat and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did. Shortly before landing in Dryden, try as she might, she BEFORE - He's completely lost without me couldn't remember who gave her the package, so she AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions? announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in St. John's please raise your hand?" BEFORE - Time stood still Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere them herself.

July 2007 • 23 JOKES JOKES JOKES Stuff To Make You Laugh

Moods Of A Woman Blonde Joke An angel of truth, and a dream of fiction, Our favorite blonde motorist was about two hours outside A woman is, a bundle of contradiction. San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, But will tackle her boyfriend, alone in the house. "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose. Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk, to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk. happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully At times she'll be vengeful, merry, and sad, strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad. the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he stopped, horrified at what he saw. There Moods Of A Man was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to Horny the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he Hungry demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the Sleeping zoo." "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World."

24 • July 2007 PONDER THIS

Responses to Pick Up Lines

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Man: I know how to please a woman. Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore. Woman: Then please leave me alone.

Man: Is this seat empty? Man: I want to give myself to you. Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down. Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Man: So, wanna go back to my place ? Man: I can tell that you want me. Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a Woman: Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you.....to leave. rock? Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy: Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine. laughing.

Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number? Man: Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots? Woman: It's in the phone book. Woman: Sorry, I don't date outside my species. Man: But I don't know your name. Woman: That's in the phone book too. Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. Man: So what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: I'd go through anything for you. Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account. Man: What sign were you born under? Woman: No Parking. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: Yes, but would you stay there? Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not Enter

The Paint Can!!

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, told them, "We have special requirements for new however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire reading from the Bible or anything to keep our minds free month." The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half of carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushers can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon...Is there right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly. a problem?" the pastor inquired. "We are terribly ashamed "You understand this means you will not be welcome in to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for our church," stated the pastor. "We know," said the young the required month," the young man replied sadly. The man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week Depot, either." was difficult; however we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with

July 2007 • 25 HUMOR Actal Newspaper Headlines Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Local High School [no, really]? Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!] Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [now that's taking things a bit far]! [Boy, are they tall!]

Is There a Ring of Debris Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead around Uranus? Did I read that sign right? [not if I wipe thoroughly]!

Panda Mating Fails; Signs Veterinarian Takes Over In an office: [what a guy]! TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW Miners Refuse to Work after Death In a Laundromat: [no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos]! AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant In a London department store: [see if that works any better than a fair trial]! BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

War Dims Hope for Peace In an office: [I can see where it might have that effect!] WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN It May Last Awhile [you think]? In an office: Cold Wave Linked AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE to Temperatures TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE [who would have thunk it]! DRAINING BOARD

Enfield (London) Couple Outside a secondhand shop: Slain; Police Suspect Homicide WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING [they may be on to something]! MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [you mean there's something stronger than duct tape]? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge Spotted in a safari park: [he probably IS the battery charge]! ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Seen during a conference: [weren't they fat enough]? FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR [That's what he gets for eating those beans!] Notice in a farmer's field: Kids Make Nutritious Snacks THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE [Taste like chicken?] FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

26 • July 2007 July 2007 • 27 JOKES JOKES JOKES

Proper Dress For Those Over 50 Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50 or 7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar on the way to 50 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and 10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist should be avoided: 1. A nose ring and bifocals 11. Bikinis and liver spots

2. Spiked hair and bald spots 12. Short shorts and varicose veins

3. A pierced tongue and dentures 13. Inline skates and a walker

4. Miniskirts and support hose And the ultimate "Bad Taste" in fashion ! for the "Older Folks"...... 5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads 14. Thongs and Depends 6. Speedo's and cellulite Smokers

Victorian Bed Wanted Smokers Wanted to participate in a research project. ‘30s Phone Booth with phone You must be 18-40 yrs old, ‘40/’50s Formica Kitchen and Chairs in good health, and a Native English speaker. Czech Seltzer Bottles You must be willing to not smoke Corona Neon Sign before sessions and fill out questionnaires.

Earn $95 for participating in a 3½ hour study.

For more information, call the Alcohol & Smoking Research Lab antiques & collectibles at the University of Pittsburgh.

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28 • July 2007 HUMOR

Priceless Grandparent Stories When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to changed into oldslacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights." their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,"Who was THAT?" When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was underwear, Grandma! ," he advised. "Mine says I'm like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made four to six." from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl A second grader came home from school and said was wide-eyed, taking this in . to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned At last she said, how to make babies today." The mother, more "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to do you knowhow you and God are alike?"! I mentally polished "i" and add 'es' . " my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a "You're both old," he replied. teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it pregnant means?" she asked. Sure," said the young about?" he asked . "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read." boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she life. When she got to the bottom, there were three headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you of those little green army men in the cup. She said, should try to figure out some of these yourself!" "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if cup!" anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not uncover thy neighbor's wife." A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the themovie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant discussing the dog' duties. "They use him to keep octopus had kept him wide-eyed.. In the middle of the telling, crowds back," said one youngster. "No,said my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine another, "he's just for good luck." A third child to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied,Dad, it was the brought the argument to a close..."They use the 20,000 leaks!!" dogs to find the fire hydrant " .

July 2007 • 29 JOKES, JOKES, JOKES

What Every Woman Should

Have and Know A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a set of screwdrivers, cordless drill, and a black lace bra A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE and panties...... one old love she can imagine going back to.. and one who reminds her how far she has come... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE her cry...... enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE needs to...... a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family.. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE something perfect to wear if the employer or date of A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE her dreams wants to see her in an hour...... eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE a youth she's content to leave behind... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a feeling of control over her destiny... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW retelling it in her old age... ..how to fall in love without losing herself...

continued on page 33

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32 • July 2007 HUMOR

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... .how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a ..where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table.. friend without ruining the friendship and how to change a tire... or a charming inn in the woods...when her soul needs soothing... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...... when to try harder... and when to walk away... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... what she can and can't accomplish in a day.. a EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... month...and a year...... that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents... World's Shortest Fairytale EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry ...that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its me?" The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after over... and went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never ...what she would and wouldn't do for love or more... farted on.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... Short Humor .how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it... One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy night gown. "Tie me up," she EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... purred, "and you can do anything you want." ...whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she So he tied her up and went golfing. shouldn't take it personally...

July 2007 • 33 JOKES, JOKES, JOKES

Aunt Karen Living Will The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, end of it. The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that began to tell their stories. "Karl, do you have a story to ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my TV and then threw out my beer. Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory Short Humor and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of lottery!" them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." "Good stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral out." did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?" "Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."

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34 • July 2007 HUMOR 50 Life Lessons

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. 28. Forgive everyone everything.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. 29. What other people think of you is none of your business. 3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. 30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time. 4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 5. Pay off your credit cards every month. 32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. 6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone. 33. Believe in miracles.

8. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. 34. Love yourself – forgive yourself – look forward not back! 9. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. 35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you 10. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the stronger. present. 11. Take one day at a time. 36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry. 37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable. 13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it. 39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. 16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get 40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw busy dying. everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today. 41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. 18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write. 42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful, or 19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the joyful. second one is up to you and no one else. 43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. 44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. 45. The best is yet to come.

22. Over-prepare, then go with the flow. 46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up. 23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. 47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. 24. The most important sex organ is the brain. 48. If you don't ask, you don't get. 25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. 49. Yield. 26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?" 50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

27. Always choose life.

July 2007 • 35 HUMOR

Short Humor

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. right, and the other is a husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn driver's license. them! TURN TH EM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER N O S T A C Z.' listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! "Can you read this?" the optician asked. Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy." salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

36 • July 2007 Fly Humor HUMOR A cowboy in Texas got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper Stress Management got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies heavy is this glass of water?" there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, Answers from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, "The "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies." absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long So the cowboy says, "Well, Circle flies are common on you try to hold it." ranches. See, they're called Circle flies because they're "If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. "In each Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the me a horse's ass?" The cowboy says, "Oh no, officer. I have heavier it becomes." too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, management. If we carry our burdens all the time, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies heavy, we won't be able to carry on." though." "As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're Advice For Women About Men refreshed, we can carry on with the burden." 1.Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in "So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of diapers. work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let door. them down for a moment if you can. Relax; pick them up later, after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it!" 3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out Nurse, I have a question? alone. A male patient is laying in bed in the hospital, wearing 5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily mature anyway. sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. 6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial you can tell them apart. sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young 7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are 8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do- my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his it-yourself types. vital signs from worry about his testicles, she overcomes 9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the too old for it. covers. She raises his gown, moves them around, takes 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir." 11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and 12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... "A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?" 13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

July 2007 • 37 HOROSCOPES By: Kris Brandt Riske ARIES: THE RAM (March 20 to April 19) LIBRA: THE BALANCE (September 22 to With Venus in Leo, Your sign of romance, through July 14 October 23) and the Sun entering the same sign July 22, you’re more You’ll enjoy your usual active social life the first two or less guaranteed an active social life this month. Both weeks of July, when Venus is in Leo, your friendship sign. are positive influences for your love life, especially if Once your ruling planet enters the hidden realms of your you’re committed. If you’re single and searching for love, solar Twelfth House on July 14, however, you’ll be the first week of July offers the best opportunities. Get content with quiet evenings at home with your partner out and about and meet new people. and close friends.

TAURUS: THE BULL (April 19 to May 20) Take the initiative to get better acquainted with neighbors SCORPIO: THE SCORPION (October 23 to after Mercury, your personal romance planet, turns direct November 22) in Cancer on July 9. You could meet someone This month’s people contacts run the gamut from fascinating. With Mars in your sign all month, through positive to negative to challenging, rewarding, and patience and flexibility, you will get much farther with uplifting. At times it could be difficult to know who has family members and on the job. your best interests in mind, so be even more cautious than usual about whom you trust. Use your intuition. In GEMINI: THE TWINS (May 20 to June 21) matters of the heart, this is not the month to commit New love liaisons get off to a fast start in early July, while because Venus is still retrograde. couples delight in passion and rediscover how much they have in common. Your social life is equally active during SAGITTARIUS: THE ARCHER (November 22 to the same period and, with Venus entering Virgo on July 4, December 21) consider hosting a holiday get-together. As Venus begins You’ll probably be in touch with more people at a to slow before turning retrograde, so does your social life. distance, including relatives, after the Sun enters Leo on July 22. Make a few calls around that time and you CANCER: THE CRAB (June 21 to July 22) could become privy to some surprising and intriguing You’ll question the future of a friendship at month’s end information. when Mars in Taurus, your friendship sign clashes with Saturn and Neptune. The issues will be money and CAPRICORN: THE GOAT (December 21 to values and will involve a third person. As tough as it will January 19) be to walk away, you’ll have the strength to do that if it’s The July 4 New Moon in Cancer focuses your attention the right choice. The planetary alignment also could on the close relationships in your life. Take the initiative affect a business relationship, so you should be cautious to clear up any recent misunderstandings after Mercury, about sharing your ambitions with just anyone. also in Cancer, turns direct July 9, and keep the lines of communication flowing all month. But it might be wise to LEO: THE LION (July 22 to August 22) postpone the decision until after Venus turns direct in You’re at your most irresistible, with Venus in your sign September. Weddings are in the same category. through July 13. Turn on the charm and attract someone special or romance your partner under the stars. Be AQUARIUS: THE WATER BEARER (January 19 patient if a new liaison doesn’t get off to a fast start. to February 18) Venus enters Virgo on July 14 and turns retrograde July Close relationships benefit from Venus in Leo, your solar 27 before slipping back into Leo next month. A soul Seventh House, through July 13, and the sun’s arrival in mate is worth waiting for. the same sign, July 22. But frustration can spark family tempers at month’s end when Mars clashes with several VIRGO: THE VIRGIN (August 22 to September planets. Strive for compromise and try to be flexible. 22) The same applies to workplace relationships, where You’ll be as content with your own company as with someone’s true nature may suddenly emerge. Be others as the Sun, Mercury, and Venus travel in Leo and cautious. Virgo, our solar Twelfth and First Houses. Do a little of both, depending upon the day and the invitation. A PISCES: THE FISH (February 18 to March 20) sensational someone could walk into your life the week of The New moon also fuels your social life, as does the the August 28 Full Moon in Pisces, your partnership sign. July 30 Full Moon in Capricorn, your friendship sign. Fill But, if a relationship isn’t all you want it to be, re-evaluate the month with parties, outings, and get-togethers, and it then. Talk things out. host one of your own soon after Mercury turns direct.

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40 • July 2007