Inner Peace Bereavement Support Newsletter September 2020 Vol. 28 Issue 9

Bereavement & Questions ebrate the life of your loved one by by Diedre Felton, M.A. going out to dinner to toast his memory with people who knew and cared for him. The first anniversary of my husband’s is next week, and What about volunteering your time at your local I thought I was doing well. But these last few days I can barely hospital or nursing home on that day? Many have given of their get out of bed, and I feel as though I’m back to square one. time in schools, served up lunch in a soup kitchen, visited a sick friend What happened? or someone who otherwise is confined to home. Giving of self to others is a surefire way not to stay fixated on our own losses for a few hours. Do Beware the tyranny of the calendar! The first death anniversary something life-affirming as a way to make room on that date for the op- date in particular is so difficult because we approach it with such portunity to create pleasant memories that will bring us comfort rather dread. We circle the date on our calendars and tick off the days than be an occasion for dread. and hours until it is finally here. There are people who take the day off from work, who don’t want to go to school, who just feel One of the great pitfalls of the anniversary date is that we give it so much as if they cannot face going out of the front door on that day. And power, so much control, much more than it needs to have. Most people what happens? The day comes and goes just as the last twenty- will tell you that they don’t need a date on the calendar to remind them four hours did and as the next block of twenty-four hours will of what they have lost. It’s omnipresent. But through it all, it may be of tomorrow. use to keep one point in mind. Despite the sorrow and the heartache, you and I are still here. We have an obligation to keep going, to live our What has changed? There are moments when we don’t think we lives with dignity and grace. The memory of the beloved is never honored can make it another five minutes without this beloved person, and when we ourselves refuse to go on. then we wake up one day to find that we indeed have lived twelve full months without the comfort of their presence. We are some- And so, yes, some days will be better than others. Some mornings we will times stunned to see that an entire year has passed so quickly. get out of bed and face the day with a sense of purpose, and other days we What is brought home to us is that even in the face of unbearable will want to draw the covers over our heads and shut out the world. We sorrow, the world keeps turning, and events continue to unfold - can close our door on the world, but we must expect it to be knocked on with us or without us. from time to time. Don’t let yourself believe that you are back to square one. You’re not. There will be moments when it’s two steps forward The first anniversary also marks the passage of other “firsts.” The and three backward, but in the end we will make it to the finish line of first birthday, wedding anniversary, and all of the holidays have all wholeness and purpose of life. The calendar is not our enemy. The fear come and gone with one always missing from the family photo. A of it is. year ago we would have laid odds that we would never emotionally Reprinted with permission from make it through all of these events, but we did. That knowledge Bereavement Publishing, Inc. (888-604-4673). in itself can be a source of strength we didn’t know we possessed. There is nothing quite like the “first” of any of these occasions, and once we have them safely behind us, we can face the next batch with confidence that their observance will not destroy us. The first death anniversary is also unique as it is often accompanied by religious observance. The family gathers to attend a service and sometimes the unveiling of the headstone. This may be the first time the entire family has been together since the , THE KAYE POGUE HOSPICE CENTER AT and it can be an emotionally charged affair. One of the realities in some families is that the death of our loved one did not, in 730 Holly Lane fact, draw us closer but rather it may have cemented rifts already in place. This can bring its own layer of sorrow to survivors, and Salina, KS 67401 while most people are on their best behavior during these occasions, 785.825.1717 it is apparent nonetheless. It may be best not to have expectations www.hospiceofsalina.org raised too high. [email protected] What to do? Have a plan for that day. If you are going to the , perhaps you would like to ask a family member or Your Hometown Not-For-Profit Hospice friend to accompany you. It may be that you would like to cel-

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children grieve, we as a society often So how long should a child’s last? do not encourage them to mourn. If ideal conditions exist (which they We, as grief gardeners, on the other rarely do) and the child is actively Grief Myths & hand, have the responsibility and the working on his six needs of Bereaved Children, privilege to create conditions in which with the support of caring adults and children can mourn. family members, active mourning can Part I still take three to four years. And even by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. that lucky child will encounter inter- Myth 2: Children only grieve for mittent mourning as he develops and Our mourning-avoiding society har- a short time. When our gardens are reintegrates his grief experience. bors a number of harmful myths about shredded by a July hailstorm (an all-to- grief and mourning. Sometimes these frequent happening in Colorado), we myths seem harmless, but I have found gardeners naturally want our plants to Myth 3: A child’s grief proceeds in that when adults (and subsequently recover quickly. We pinch off damaged predictable, orderly stages. Have the children in their care) internalize stalks, clear the debris and stand back, you ever heard a well-meaning but them, they quickly become hurdles to drumming our fingers impatiently. misinformed someone say of a be- healing. You might think of them as But gardens don’t always bounce back reaved child, “He’s in stage two?” If weeds in the grief garden. If they are right away. It may take a few weeks or only it were that simple! People use allowed to grow unchecked, their ag- even another whole season before our the “stages of grief” to try to make gressive habits will soon overtake the garden seems itself again. sense of an experience that isn’t as or- garden, choking out the impression- Bereaved children don’t bounce back derly and predictable as we would like able seedlings. As a fellow grief gar- right away, either. Still, many adults it to be. dener, I hope you’ll join me in help- simply do not understand that grief ing to dispel these myths. The concept of “stages” was popular- and mourning are processes, not ized in 1969 with the publication of events. Those adults who want the be- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross landmark text, reaved child to “hurry up and get over Myth 1: Grief and mourning are On Death and Dying. Kubler-Ross it” usually project that the child needs the same experience. People tend never intended that people should in- to be strong and stoic. (Of course, to use the words “grief” and “mourning” terpret her “five stages of dying” liter- who are these adults really protecting? interchangeably. However, there is ally. However, many people have done Themselves. If adults can assume the an important distinction between the just that, not only with the process of child’s grief and mourning are short in two - a distinction that becomes all the dying, but with the processes of bereave- duration, then they don’t have to walk more critical for those who work with ment, grief and mourning as well. bereaved children. with the child as he encounters the pain of loss.) No two children are alike. No two chil- Grief represents the thoughts and feel- dren will grieve in the same way. As I continue to read in professional texts ings that are experienced within chil- caring adults, we only get ourselves in comments like, “If the child’s symp- dren when someone they love dies. trouble when we try to prescribe what toms persist past six months, he or she Grief is the internal meaning given a child’s grief and mourning experi- should be referred for professional to the experience of bereavement. ences should be. Mourning, on the other hand, means assistance.” Actually, nothing could taking the internal experience of grief be further from the truth. Around A good gardener doesn’t approach his and expressing it outside oneself. An- six months after a death, it is not un- garden with text book in hand and say, other way to think of mourning is usual to see more, not fewer, visible “Well, today I must water thoroughly “grief gone public,” or “sharing one’s signs of mourning in a child. This is and thin the new seedlings.” Instead, grief with others.” Because bereaved largely because for children, grief gets he examines the garden on hands and children mourn more through their intertwined with the developmental knees and only then decides what is behaviors than they do through words, process. If I’m just five years old when needed that day. Likewise, the grief mourning for them is not expressed in I first come to grief, that grief will gardener encourages the bereaved the same ways as it is for adults. change for me as I mature and begin child to teach her about the child’s to understand it with more cognitive needs: “Teach me about your grief, We often refer to children as “forgot- depth. and I will be with you. As you teach ten mourners.” Why? Because though me, I will follow the lead you provide 3 Inner Peace Bereavement Support Newsletter and attempt to be a stabilizing and empa- biggest influence on the child’s own grief thetic presence.” experiences. I may be the master gardener for the bereaved children in my care, but To think that one’s goal is to move children their parents are the real gardeners. It is they through the stages of grief would be a mis- In Memorium who day in and day out water, weed, hoe, use of counsel. Children experience a vari- and stake. ety of unique thoughts, feelings and behav- Regena McCloskey...... 09/09/19 iors as part of the healing process. We must The problem comes when these parents, Ralph L. Larson...... 09/17/19 remind ourselves not to prescribe how and however loving and well-intentioned, try to William V. Weaverling...... 09/17/19 when they should mourn, but allow them conceal their own grief and mourning from to teach us where they are in the process. their children in an attempt to protect them Barbara Colleen Triplett...... 09/19/19 from more pain. This is a mistake. Mod- Edward O. Shublom...... 09/24/19 eling is a primary way in which children Emery L. Frost...... 09/28/19 Myth 4: Infants and toddlers are too learn. young to grieve and mourn. In my expe- Juanita L. Alexander...... 09/28/19 Children instinctively love and try to emu- rience, any child old enough to love is old Kelley L. Weis...... 09/29/19 enough to grieve and mourn. In fact, I see late their parents. So when the parents deny children as young as eighteen months old their own grief, they teach their children to Vernon E. Frantz...... 09/30/19 in my counseling center. do the very same thing. When Mom or Dad is openly sad, children learn that mourning Infants and toddlers are certainly capable is okay and that the sadness everyone is feel- of giving and receiving love. While ing is not their fault. Children who haven’t they cannot verbally teach us about their been taught these things will often assume grief, they protest their losses in a variety of they are responsible for the emotional envi- ways. A few practical examples are regres- ronment of the household. sive behaviors, sleep disturbances and ex- plosive emotions. John Bowlby’s research One of the most loving things we can do as has shown us that even babies will protest bereaved adults is allow ourselves to mourn; Hospice of Salina will host a when threatened with separation, death or the first step in helping bereaved children is Community Grief Support Group abandonment. Good gardeners know that to help ourselves. In fact, our ongoing abil- the last Monday of every month. ity to give and receive love depends on our very young gardens can need the most at- This is a drop in group and all tention. Preparing a new perennial bed willingness to mourn in healthy ways. means tilling the soil, adding manure Hospice of Salina are welcome. You do not have and taking steps to prevent weeds. Forego to attend each session. We will these steps and the garden will never be as Annual Pumpkin be practicing COVID precau- healthy as it might have been. Sale!! tions including social distancing, Unless we support and nurture infants and limit of 10 participants, as well toddlers when they are confronted with the October 3rd as wearing masks. Participants loss of a primary relationship, they can de- are responsible for bringing their velop a lack of trust in the world around own masks. Please register by them. Holding, hugging, and playing with calling 785-825-1717 or email to them are the primary ways in which we [email protected]. can attempt to help these young children. We can also teach the parents of bereaved infants and toddlers how to best to care for Upcoming Grief Group Dates: them. Monday, September 28th 5:00—6:00 p.m. Monday, October 26th Myth 5: Parents don’t have to mourn 5:00—6:00 p.m. for their children to mourn. My experience has taught me that parents and other sig- Monday, November 23rd nificant adults in a child’s life have the 5:00 - 6:00 p.m. Non-Profit Org. U.S. Postage PAID Salina, KS Permit No. 120

Inner Peace Newsletter September 2020

Resources

Websites www.salpublib.org www.americanhospice.org www.childgrief.org www.aarp.org/griefandloss www.centering.org www.griefnet.org www.centerforloss.com www.compassionatefriends.org www.willowgreen.com www.compassionbooks.com www.insightbooks.com www.hopethroughhealing.com www.livingontheedge.org www.highmarkcaringplace.com www.journeyofhearts.org

NOTICE OF NON-DISCRIMINATION: Hospice of Salina provides services without regard to race, color, national origin, disability, age, sexual orientation, any other protected status, or inability to pay.