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Meanwhile, in the Future

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Meanwhile, in the Future Meanwhile, in the future... Curse you, Squirrel Girl! Curse me? You're the one going around trying to conscript people into your personal army so you can take over what's left of the world, |ron Monger 2000! Wait, is that where you got your name from? Because you want 2000 people in your army? I mean, it can't be Silence! <Or all my other friends here, who have because it sounds You'd already decided to keep fighting for truth, futuristic. The year be out of the justice, and the postapocalyptic 2000 was over half equation if it but still basically decent way.> a century ago, weren't for lady. your infernal Oh, you're in for it squirrels, now, |ron Monger 2K. You've who-- cheesed off Tippy and her squirrelfriends. <Oh, I know *Triangle brackets you did not just indicate Squirrelese trash-talk me.>* (Northeastern variant)! “Cheesed Howdy. I'm Kang the off"? I'll show We've never Conqueror. Time you cheesed off, met. to die. you blathering old-- …What? Welcome to our fiftieth issue! |t says #42 on the cover, but that's only because we did eight issues and then a second #1, although this of course doesn't count the Squirrel Girl Beats Up The Marvel Universe OGN, which is another five issues of story, which would put us at...issue #55? This is getting complicated. Anyway! To celebrate Squirrel Girl, here's a dark future where everything's gone wrong!! Waaaaaait a sec-- Okay, well--I'm not I'm not talking about “Kang"? You're that sure what brings you What |RON MONGER 2000!! She is a crazy murdery time- |n the here, but I'll tell you are fool, easily dismissed. traveling warlord flesh. that yes, |M2K has made you-- guy, right? With the some bad decisions, and armor from the 41st yes, we live in a pretty century that gives bleak future, but that you all these doesn't mean she powers and zero deserves weaknesses? to die. She hasn't earned a YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME! I MONGER death by my hand. I'm You're |ROOOONNnnnnnn....! talking about you, the one who Squirrel Girl. dies today. No, Wait, don't-- you've traveled through time to kill me? Today? But-- Right now? why?? Because I observe timestreams, Squirrel Girl. I know where the future is going. And everything’s begun to coalesce in my defeat at the hands of some old lady I've never met: you. Of course, such timestreams are based on May want to reconsider here, To be fair, I event sequences as they are. By traveling Kang. I've suffered setbacks, but did honestly back in time, I can easily sidestep I didn't get to my age by being the think beating causality… Quite Extremely Beatable you would be Squirrel Girl! harder. But then again... ...I also honestly ...and defeat you thought you'd be smart enough before you ever interfere to check your utility belt for with my glorious future! booby traps this morning. |ron Monger 2000 has greater concerns than whether or not her name sounds futuristic! For one, who is going to monger all this iron?? Meanwhile, in the present... Thanks for helping me and Yeah, Nancy on patrol, it was great Brian! to hang out a bit more. |T WAS MY THOUGH OF COURSE, PLEASURE THE FACT THAT I D|D DER|VE PLEASURE FROM |T CALLS |NTO QUEST|ON THE ALLEGED “SELFLESSNESS" OF |T, OR |NDEED, ANY ACT OF K|NDNESS, WH|CH |N TURN UNDERM|NES THE VERY CONCEPT OF GENEROS|TY AND V|RTU-- Hold that thought. Someone's skulking around in that construction site! I D|DN'T NOT|CE ANYTH|NG Squirrel abilities-- got me some peripheral vision that's just as sharp and clear as my direct gaze. Okay, our skulker's taking something --and he's off his belt, gone?! and he's-- Let's |NVEST|GAT|ON move MODE ENABLED out! I hear that, buddy. I AM NOT GOING TO SUMMAR|ZE THE PH|LOSOPH|CAL DEBATE OVER WHETHER OR NOT TRUE ALTRU|SM EX|STS, AND HONESTLY, THE FACT THAT I'M SPAR|NG YOU THAT |S SOME GRADE-A TRUE ALTRU|SM R|GHT THERE THE SCANNERS I HAVE AND A Weird. Are Okay. Well, BU|LT |NTO MY HANDS-- PAT|ENT ONE: these ones THEY ARE with these BECAUSE I AM AN I EST|MATE THESE here okay? UNDAMAGED plans it should ADULT WHO CAN MAKE BEAMS, WH|LE be an easy H|S OWN CHO|CES ABOUT DAMAGED, W|LL ST|LL fix. H|S BODY--|ND|CATE STAND FOR FORTY THESE BEAMS HAVE BEEN OR MORE YEARS COMPROM|SED AND W|LL That guy BEFORE EVENTUALLY SUFFER was a building FA|L|NG CATASTROPH|C saboteur?! COLLAPSE You got a welder finger in there, buddy? ONE OF MY OTHER F|NGERS |S CAPABLE OF REACH|NG TEMPERATURES EXCEED|NG 1800 DEGREES CENT| GRADE SO THAT |S A HARD YES FROM ME I don't WELL, THE STANFORD MARSHMALLOW understand-- EXPER|MENT SUGGESTED DELAYED why make a GRAT|F|CAT|ON |S ASSOC|ATED building W|TH H|GHE-- collapse decades down the road? You! I should've known it'd be you, Squirrel Girl, who'd force me to return CARD 909 to this time! OF 4522 deadpool’s guide I'm sorry? I have absolutely no idea to super villains who you are! Oh, you will. You will very shortly have reason to lament the name of ’Kay, one sec. Let's see... Kaecilius, Kala, Kaluu, Kamikaze, kang the conqueror Kangaroo... IBLY COMPLICATED but basically wait, there - Okay so this guy's history is INCREDIBLYINCRED COMPLICATED but basically you are! he's a time-traveler from the future who has time-traveled so much that there's several differentuh, time! versions of him running around history Kang the at any given point in, Conqueror! - He has also, or will also, or may currently be also going under the following names: Iron Lad, Immortus, Kid Immortus, The Scarlet Centurion, Rama-Tut, Victor Timely, John Titor, D. Esperate Times, and MORE?? - Anyway: dude is a fearless, determined warlord who has conquered huge areas of time. Despite having no inherent super-powers, his armor and technology is taken from the 41st century and makes him effectively invincible, so good luck kicking this guy!! maybe he's a future descendant of doctor doom? or maybe he's a future descendantt super of reedmatter richards? it doesn'tdoesn' super matter because, as we all know, we are not defined by who our parents are!! Every time someone adds “the [X]" after their name (“Kang the Conqueror,” “Alexander the Great") it always implies there's someone out there, with the same name who they keep being confused for and who they'd really like to distinguish themselves from. So, shout out to Kang the Dental Hygienist, keep on keeping on! ...pretty sure <Come on, I've Meanwhile, we just found done some light bomb the source of that defusal before. Use your in the bright flash you knuckle spike to cut saw coming out the red wires!> past... of the sewer, Monkey Joe. <And while we're at it, can I just say: Your parents are going to be so mad at me. I get them to take me along on their NYC business trip, and the first thing that happens is I lead their 10-year-old kid into a sewer!> We're a crimefighting team now, MJ! We go wherever crime takes us! Though I do admit I was I'd be all, “Stop doing crimes, And that, ladies and Don't rush hoping our mission would be criminal! Because I'm here gentlemen, is how Monkey home so quickly, more glamorous. I thought to fight crime and...and... Joe and Squirrel Girl Squirrel Girl. We we might bump into a bank and have a good time!" successfully completed have much to robber when we walked their first New York City discuss. around the block! <...We'll super hero mission! work on And I Oooh, or a <And the that catch- don't know Magneto! crowd goes phrase.> about wild!!> you... Okay, let's head up above- ground! I can't wait to tell Mom and Dad how -- Anyway, I'm not complaining. This is good too, MJ! We're probably stopping a mad bomber! ...but I've got some time to kill. This is actually the first time that Kang's used that line! He'll later come back in time to use it at least once in every single decade of every single century, because of course he will, but you saw it here first! Who-- who are you? I dominate worlds, entire strata of time. And while I prefer to defeat my foes when they are more capable of defending themselves, seeing as you've been such a pain as both an Kang the old lady and a sassy Con queror. 20-something... That ...well, no doesn't time like the sound like a present. good guy name. Oh, it's not. AAAHHHH! <Monkey Joe, he's like a future murder |t won't save you. Nothing can save-- <...and then they do man and he's really gonna kill us! He's what they can to ensure not fooling around!! He's really gonna <Doreen, listen <But what that nobody has to feel do it, MJ!> to me. Heroes get makes that way again!!> <Doreen, scared too, okay? them calm down!> Captain America gets heroes <How can I scared.
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