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Home , Bruce Kulick, BuzzSaw, David Fishof, List of Gibson players, Peter Tork, Phil Lynott

Tonight, I’m a ROCK ’N’ ROLL STAR Hey, teacher! Leave those blokes alone… they just want to live out their rock-god fantasies. Jonathan Green pays his dues at the US that’s about to headline over here

he crowd, some 700 strong, – here’s Hell’s Kitchen!’ donna. I can tell people to remove all the are clamouring for us now My legs, which seem to act indepen- brown M&Ms from the bowl, just like with a deafening roar. They dently, carry me through the darkness of , order the dressing room to jump up and down emitting the wings and then out, squinting, into be painted green, à la Jennifer Lopez, shockwaves that cause pan- the bright lights of the packed club. I trip and generally have a raucously fine time. demonium backstage as over a cable and my plectrum slips out of But as I make my way down to the tablesT shake, instruments topple over my sweat-soaked hand. I bend to pick it stage for my audition under the and roadies dressed in black scramble up and lurch too close to the amplifier so studios, I soon discover that the people to hold everything down. that a crackle of high-pitched feedback at Rock ’n’ Roll Fantasy Camp aren’t Cowering in the backstage tunnel, issues from the speaker. pretending at all. The room is heaving I feel as if I’m underwater, the world There’s a 4/4 beat, the drums kick in with musicians tuning expensive-look- a slow-motion blur. The black Gibson and the lead guitarist launches into the ing , roadies running about slung around my neck feels alien first riff of ’s Summer Of connecting cables, while in front of and useless, like a gimcrack ornament. ’69 with deafening, buzzsaw volume. a huge stage is a long table lined with I’m panicking so much that I can’t And I ready myself to play the first talent judges. The whole set-up looks remember the fingering for a rudimen- chord of the song, which, as it happens, frighteningly like Pop Idol or X Factor. tary A chord. Stricken with stage fright, is the wrong one… I nervously scan the room, terrified that palms dripping with sweat, there’s a I’ll have to play for . swell of apprehension rising in my chest. ix days earlier, Gibson On stage, a guy in his early twenties Through a sliver between curtain and Showroom Studios, West with a Phil Lynott-style Afro and a Led wall, I can see a small swatch of the 54th Street, New York City: Zeppelin T-shirt is belting out Layla on stage, illuminated by hazy orange and ‘So,’ says the blonde behind a cherry-red with such bril- indigo lights. These same black boards reception, her nose wrin- liance you have to look twice to see that have been stomped by Aretha Franklin, kled with disdain, every it isn’t . Motörhead, and Alicia wordS dripping with snotty condescen- No musical experience necessary? It Keys in the past few months. sion. ‘What you’re saying is that you looks as if just being able to bang a tam- Next to me is , former haven’t rehearsed at all for this?’ bourine like Linda McCartney won’t be lead guitarist for , a man who has ‘Erm, no,’ I say guiltily. ‘I didn’t think enough here. Air guitarists, too, look to regularly played gigs in front of up to it mattered.’ My first introduction to be at a distinct disadvantage. 100,000 screaming fans in stadiums all Rock ’n’ Roll Fantasy Camp was going I sit down behind the judges. This all over the world. He looks at me, bass gui- less smoothly than I would have hoped. looks very serious, I say to a woman on tar at his waist, with a nervous, darting It’s audition day and I’ve bowled in late my right. ‘I suppose it is,’ she says. ‘You’re movement. ‘I’m scared, too,’ he says. with a truckload of attitude but without English, right? So is my husband.’ ‘And I do this for a living.’ And this guy the requisite song to perform. ‘From Swansea, me,’ says a man with can actually play. He has a reputation as I am here to become a rock star. The blond hair and spectacles, turning from one of the best guitarists in the business. literature for the 2006 New York City the judging table. It is Spencer Davis, I am nervous to the point of needing Rock ’n’ Roll Fantasy Camp promised from the eponymous Sixties group. He psychiatric treatment. I feel that I am that no musical experience was neces- co-wrote the monster hit Gimme Some about to try to fool the people jammed sary. It also said that I would be ‘treated Lovin’. The more I look at the judges, the to the rafters in BB King’s Club, on 42nd like a star for five days and nights’, along worse I feel. It looks like a line-up from a Street, New York – all of whom have with getting expert tuition from famous Who’s Who of rock. Isn’t that Peter Tork

paid $60 – in an unspeakable act of rock stars. At the end of the week I would from , albeit slightly ▼ fraud. I panic that in the next ten min- record a song and play live at New York’s utes they are going to realise that I’m legendary blues club, BB King’s, while Clockwise from right: Jonathan Green a terrible guitarist. When they do, I am competing with other groups at the plays rock star; BB King’s; Hell’s Kitchen going to be revealed to all these people camp in a battle of the bands. lead singer Seth with ex-Kiss guitarist as a shameless charlatan. Being treated like a rock star? Great, Bruce Kulick; the adoring crowd at BB The MC announces us: ‘And now, I thought, a week of being a prima King’s; the chord crib sheet for songs PHOTOGRAPHS BY DAVID HOWELLS BY DAVID PHOTOGRAPHS

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CYAN MAGENTA YELLOW BLACK REPORTAGE

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CYAN MAGENTA YELLOW BLACK ▼ greyer and more wizened than in his days as a young pop star? And isn’t that Barry Goodreau from the famed Boston? Others include Teddy Andreadis, sometime keyboardist with Guns N’ Roses, and Jeff ‘Skunk’ Baxter from the Doobie Brothers and Steely Dan. These are serious musicians, maybe not A-listers and perhaps only known to those who sport mullet haircuts and can play the chord progression to ’s Stairway To Heaven, but people who make a living playing stadium-rock concerts.

or the auditions, there is a list of classic songs to choose from – I opt for Free’s All Right Now. I’ve been told to get a guitar from the Gibson showroom upstairs but there Fisn’t time before my name is called. Instead, I suffer the indignity of having to play a cowbell – ‘that’s all you’re gonna get’, says one of the stagehands. I slink to the very back of the stage, where I think I can be as anonymous as possible. I begin to belt the cowbell with gusto during the choruses, while a bald guy in a Hawaiian shirt plays a Clockwise from above, cream-coloured Green’s band Hell’s Kitchen very badly indeed. As I’m banging away on stage; the band list; on the cowbell – probably out of time Green with the Allman for all I know – a swarthy guy in black Brothers’ ; the glasses and sandy-coloured cropped group receive their award hair keeps looking at me from the judges’ table with a deep frown. Claiborne. He plays a rollicking drum a frustrated rocker by night. Seth wears I discover later he is Simon Kirke, one- solo that would do proud. a zany shirt, with the top button sensibly time drummer with and ‘Great,’ says Bruce, encouraged. done up and the sleeves rolled down, Free, the band who wrote the song we’re Next up is lung doctor Charles Abate, tucked into his well-ironed chinos. He playing. The track seems to last for an 52, who was sent to rock camp by his launches into a wild dance, while eternity. I do my best not to look at him as wife as a present after years of playing singing with a nasal howl that sounds we lurch on, not so much butchering his in his bar band. He is an unexcitable like Jerry Lewis on steroids. He stops song but beating it over the head with a character, which belies his considerable abruptly and stares at the floor, leaving blunt instrument. It ends with an awful skill on a guitar as he plays Hendrix’s the rest of the band speechless. crash. The judges scribble down com- with the technical brilliance Bruce realises it will be no easy task ments on their notepads. and accuracy of a surgeon, which he is. to form this mismatched bunch with I’m greeted by David Fishof, founder ‘You’re lead guitar,’ says Bruce. wildly differing musical abilities into a ‘It’s hard to leave of the camp, as I leave the stage. For one His good mood doesn’t last long. cohesive band. In only four days we ghastly moment, I think he is going to Steve Savistky, a fiftysomething metals have to learn to play two songs, which the stage. We are throw me out for ruining things for peo- trader, who looks like a roadie for The will be performed live, and write our ple who have paid thousands to be here. , plays badly – but with own song, which will be recorded. Yikes. all wide-eyed ‘You’re playing a cowbell?’ he says to great show – before a keyboard player But, most pressingly, we have to come me incredulously. ‘We need to get you a known simply as Barry – in real life a up with a band name by lunchtime. and pumped up guitar.’ And with that he fixes me up venture capitalist – acquits himself tol- After throwing round some ideas for with a £1,000 Gibson. erably well. Then it’s my turn. Pulling a good two hours we decide to call with adrenaline. The day after the auditions we are all my guitar from its case, everyone falls ourselves Hell’s Kitchen. placed into bands, along with a ‘coun- quiet, waiting to be dazzled. Then the songs. After some fighting, I feel immortal’ sellor’. Ours is Bruce Kulick. These At 16, I’d had classical guitar lessons. we settle on Summer Of ’69 by Bryan days, Kulick is based in Los Angeles and Try as I might, as soon as I got hold of a Adams and the punkish anthem What rehearsal studios, breaking only for a sports a goatee beard, ponytail and guitar it sounded like a tomcat being I Like About You by The Romantics, snatched lunch. The conversation over a gold-hoop earring. He turns up late to garroted. Undeterred, I formed a rock which suits Seth’s vocal delivery. tuna wraps is just like real band talk. the Ultrasound studios on New York’s band called Purple Aphrodisiac. As I Bruce turns out to be a perfectionist Peter Tork of the Monkees gets into a West Side with a hangover and jetlag pick up my guitar in rock school, I play and a demanding band leader. Once, as heavy discussion with a camper, who is after coming straight off tour with his one of the songs from those schooldays, we practise Summer Of ’69, he walks also a psychologist, about alcoholism, reformed band, . House Of The Rising Sun. It still sounds over and gives Steve a kick on the leg in depression and how to deal with it. ‘OK, let’s see what you all can do,’ he like a cat being strangled. frustration. ‘Why the hell are you play- ‘Even if you manage to stop and then says, phlegmatically, slurping coffee. ‘OK, last year they gave me the editor ing the B section in the chorus?’ he start drinking again 20 years later, you He goes around the room and makes of Guitar Magazine,’ says Bruce. ‘So I storms. He rages at Seth: ‘Sing like you go straight back to where you were,’ each of the six band members play to guess this year it’s novices.’ mean this, like you want to get laid. You says the former Monkee, morosely. assess their skill. First off is a drummer, Finally, he comes to Seth, the would- need to sing with passion!’ We return to work, and soon after gui- Steve Duva, who works for designer Liz be star. He is an accountant by day, but Other bands practise hard in the tar legend Joe Satriani visits each band.

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CYAN MAGENTA YELLOW BLACK lights, I’m so nervous that I form the FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK… wrong opening chord to Summer Of ’69. David Fishof, the man of Cream Free) and Jamie Moses My fingers are so sweaty they keep slid- responsible for reuniting and Gary Brooker of Procol (Mike & The Mechanics, ing off the steel strings. Mercifully, just The Monkees and Harum. The recording The Pretenders). before my cue, I make the first down- orchestrating rock ’n’ roll and battle of the bands If that’s not enough, you stroke. I realise the song starts with a D tours for veteran rockers part of the camp will can add on a sixth day and and not an A. I blast it out when the song such as Roger Daltrey, is take place at the famous play live at the Cavern Club starts with a glorious Townshend-esque bringing his Rock ’n’ Roll Abbey Road Studios in in Liverpool, spiritual home sweep of my arm. Sweaty faces at the Fantasy Camp to the UK northwest . of . Just don’t front of the stage whoop and cheer, oth- this spring. Camp counsellors will expect the fans to be ers start to dance. It’s electrifying. The five-day camp, from include Spencer Davis screaming in the aisles… Emboldened, over the next three May 24–28, gives wannabe (Spencer Davis Group), Places cost £9,095. For more minutes I pull every air-guitar pose rockers the chance to jam Neil Murray ( details, or to book, call 0845 I have ever mimed in guilty pleasure with some of music’s and ), Simon 094 3256, or visit rockandroll alone in my house. It’s cathartic, except biggest stars, including Kirke (Bad Company and fantasycamp.com I’m really playing and the noise blaring out of over all these heads into the cavernous darkness of the club is REAL STAR TURNS coming out of my guitar. One of the highlights of checking in at Rock Dickey Betts, dressed in signature ’n’ Roll Fantasy Camp is the chance to play cowboy hat, plays next to me, improvis- with some of the biggest names in rock. ing over the chords we lay down. The Among those acting as counsellors adulation of the crowd while playing – one is assigned to each band at camp – with a guitar legend is an intoxicating are Spencer Davis, drummer Artimus Pyle mix. At the end of the song, Dickey of , Bruce Kulick of Kiss, and unplugs his guitar and turns to walk off the Allman Brothers’ Dickey Betts. But the stage. ‘Good job, man,’ he says, clapping real treat comes in the form of the me on the back. I’m beaming with legendary rock stars pride. I feel immortal. who drop by to give It’s hard to leave the stage – we are all encouragement and wide-eyed and pumped up with adren- add a dusting of aline. None of us wants the feeling to glamour to the end. We rush to the bar and drink, proceedings. These deeply and heavily, savouring the thrill include ’s of that mystical on-stage alchemy. Roger Daltrey, (above), Nils Lofgren (The It is utterly addictive. As we slink E Street Band), (Yes), The back into obscurity by the minute I can Beach Boys’ Mike Love and understand why rock stars and actors (right) and Micky have such problems with drugs and Dolenz (The Monkees) alcohol when the adulation has gone. – proving that there Bruce Kulick, the career rock star, is rock ’n’ roll life explains. ‘When you’re playing to after the groupies, 50,000 people, and they are all scream- rehab and the final ing for you and everything you do, that comeback tour… high is indescribable. People wonder why rock stars become heroin addicts. Every day a famous musician visits the concentration. This is the rock ’n’ roll voice after performing for an ABC tele- Well, that’s possibly the only thing that studios to shake hands and even jam equivalent of a military boot camp. We vision crew touring the camp who had comes close to the rush.’ with bands. Satriani at first refuses to work so hard that I develop calluses and asked for a demonstration of our set. We didn’t win the battle of the bands, join in, but gives in to our blandishments. a tingling in my fingertips caused by Seth had been only too happy to oblige, but that didn’t matter to any of us. It We lay down a 12-bar blues while he holding down steel guitar strings for but is now paying the price. He scuttles was just enough to feel that giddy magic plays with us over the top. It’s thrilling. nine hours a day. I am also partially deaf- to get a drink of honey and lemon, of performing live. The honour went to All week the pace doesn’t slacken. ened by standing in a small room with entirely freaked out that his big moment the improbably named Beauty And The After rehearsals, at 9pm each night, terribly loud . on stage may be scuppered. Beasts Featuring Angelina’s Baby. there are various masterclasses given by On the Wednesday, we have drawn We hear that we will be playing with The experience and the camp itself the counsellors. There are discussions the first slot to record our song. This two stars. Dickey Betts will join us on had changed all of us. Barry, the key- on how to be a good frontman, how to takes place at the recording studio at Summer Of ’69 and Jon Anderson of Yes boardist, gave a CD of songs he had succeed in the music business, becom- Sirius Radio, where shock-jock Howard will play on What I Like About You. written to Simon Kirke, who is now ing a guitar maestro and various others. Stern does his show. Remarkably, my After a nervous bus ride to BB King’s, working with him to produce them The next day, it emerges that Barry apprehension proves ill-founded – it we pull eighth slot, while a slowly with professional musicians. And, and Bruce have become the Lennon and goes without a hitch. amassing crowd spills through the perhaps the most transmogrified of all McCartney of Hell’s Kitchen. They’ve doors. Some of the bands are terrific. A of us, Seth, didn’t seem to look like an been up all night writing the band’s he next day, the day we are rousing version of The ’ accountant any more. He walked song, One Time At Band Camp. It’s a to play live, tempers finally I Wanna Be Sedated by Stolen Money around with his shoulders back and a punky little number about groupies and begin to fray with pre-perfor- gets people pumping the air. gleam in his eye. guitar heroes. Seth loves it. mance nerves. Just like in a Soon after it’s our turn. Climbing the ‘Oh, man, did you see those girls look- We practise it over and over again regular band, we start to hate six steps to the stage is horrifying: stage ing at me?’ he said, virtually ablaze with until it begins to grate on my nerves. each other. Bruce demands to technicians shout directions about pride. ‘At me!’ ■ What I am quickly learning is that being Tknow what everyone is wearing on stage where to plug in, Bruce directs with an America’s next Rock ’n’ Roll Fantasy a rock star is made to look deceptively and nudges Barry to put on something edgy formality, while I feel myself being takes place in Hollywood, California, easy. This whole week is fantastically more dashing than shorts and sandals. scrutinised by 700 pairs of eyes. from February 15–19. Visit rockandroll- hard work and requires 100 per cent Shortly afterwards, Seth loses his Jittering with shock in the harsh stage fantasycamp.com

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CYAN MAGENTA YELLOW BLACK