THE MINDY PROJECT

"Here Comes The Groom"

Written by Carly Petrone

May 29th, 2014 COLD OPEN INT. MINDY’S APARTMENT - HALLWAY - AFTERNOON MINDY walks in slo-mo out of her bedroom and into the living room. She is smiling and wearing a white veil. She grabs a bunch of flowers from a vase as she passes the entry table. MINDY (V.O.) Finally, a Lahiri wedding. I swear my parents were about to adopt any engaged woman just to tell 500 of their closest friends and family that one of their children was getting married. But I have to admit, Danny and I have come a long way since declaring our love for each other at the Empire State Building. Mindy shuts her eyes. EXT. TOP OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING- NIGHT - FLASHBACK Mindy and DANNY make out on the ground. EXT. MINDY’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - BACK TO PRESENT DAY Mindy smells the flowers and opens her eyes. We pan to REEVA CHOPRA, a beautiful 24 year-old bride-to-be sitting on the couch while a group of middle-aged INDIAN AUNTIES design henna on her arms. Gifts and food fill the room. REEVA Oh, Mindy, my veil looks beautiful on you. You should wear one just like it when you finally get married. MINDY (V.O.) (fake smiling) Then again, I never thought my little brother, Rishi, would be walking down the aisle before I did. Especially to a little skan- HENNA ARTIST (interrupts) Mindy, dear, you wanted henna on your back, yes? MINDY Yes, I’d like the same tattoos that Angelina Jolie has on her back. One, because she’s basically our future president, and two because everyone knows my future son’s name is Maddox. "Here Comes The Groom" 2.

Mindy sips from a mug that reads “#1 Mom, Love Maddox.” MINDY What? I’m still practicing The Secret. She puts the mug down and takes out a folded up picture of Angelina from her bra and gives it to the artist. She sits down next to Reeva and pulls down the straps from her dress. REEVA Thanks again for hosting this bridal shower, Mindy. I know it must be hard for you since you’re still single and everything. MINDY Single? I’m hardly single, Reeva. In fact, I just changed my ringtone from “Single Ladies” to “” by . Mindy giggles. MINDY Badd with two dees. Those guys were so clever. REEVA So, who’s the guy this time? Oh wait, let me guess, your divorced dentist? Some crazy witch doctor? Your pizza delivery guy? MINDY Okay, that was one time. And I only did that because he worked at my favorite pizza place. Who can say no to a discounted pie? But if you must know, I am, in fact, in love with a very successful and sexy doctor from my practice named Daniel Castellano. Plus, like you would know, Reeva. You’ve only been dating Rishi for like, what, a minute? (to the room) Can someone say shotgun wedding? Mindy’s mother, MIRA, enters the room carrying a beautiful gold and diamond headpiece. "Here Comes The Groom" 3.

MIRA I told you, Mindy, I’ve known Reeva’s mom for years. I just knew they would hit it off. Mira puts the jewelry on Reeva. Mindy jerks up from the couch, causing her henna tattoo to smear. It just reads “MAD” on her upper left shoulder. REEVA Oh my gosh, Mrs. Lahiri. Are you sure? It’s just beautiful. MINDY Seriously, Mom? You’re giving this Frieda Pinto wannabe Grandma’s headpiece? You know that was my only shot at ever looking like a Kardashian. Now what am I going to do? Mindy’s front door opens. MORGAN enters. He has a baby elephant with him on a leash. MORGAN Knock knock. Happy wedding shower. MINDY Morgan, what are you doing here? And why do you have a baby elephant? MORGAN Well, I did a little light reading on my way over on my flip phone, which took a few hours, but it was worth it because I found out that in Indian weddings it is customary for the groom to ride in on an elephant. So, I figured small elephant for a tiny rapper. Am I right? MINDY I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to have a baby elephant roaming the streets of, well, any streets. MORGAN Oh no, it’s okay. My grandmother is a member at the zoo. I just checked him out like I do with books at the library. See? Morgan takes out his grandmother’s zoo membership card. "Here Comes The Groom" 4.

MORGAN (CONT’D) Got a stamp and everything. MINDY That just means you were admitted. MORGAN Such a worrier! Morgan freaks out when he sees Mira. He drops the leash and runs to hug her. MORGAN Mrs. Dr. L, I cannot tell you how excited I am to finally meet you. I’ve been dreaming of this day. Morgan holds her tight while kissing her forehead incessantly and shushing her. MORGAN (CONT’D) I just think you should know that I would do anything for your daughter. Anything. Except accidently murder someone. I did that once and I’m still covering my tracks. Morgan looks up. MORGAN Wait a minute. Mindy, I thought Rishi was getting married. Not you and Dr. C. I didn’t even know Dr. C wanted to get married again. Morgan lets go of Mira and walks back toward the elephant. MORGAN (CONT’D) Great, now I have to go get a bigger elephant. Come on Little Rishi, lets go back to the zoo. MINDY Wait, Morgan. What are you talking about? MORGAN (pointing across the room) That sign. We pan to a floral heart sign that reads “Congratulations Dr. L & Dr. C!” "Here Comes The Groom" 5.

MINDY I can see why that would be confusing. Actually, Rishi’s stage name is now Dr. L., apparently. For SEO reasons or something. I don’t know. I’m no Mark Zuckerberg. And Reeva’s last name is Chopra, and she is getting her PhD in probably something really lame like the History of Hipsters. REEVA Actually, I’m discovering what role female genocide plays in the destruction of third world economies. MINDY Of course you are. (pauses) Anyway, Morgan, I’m not getting married. Mira starts crying and praying in Hindi for her daughter to get married. Mindy throws up her hands in defeat. MINDY Oh for Christ sakes. Everyone in the room gasps. MINDY I mean, in the holy name of Ganesh or whatever. That’s a God, right? I’m practically married, mom. I mean, Danny and I are living together. In an apartment. That he owns. Mira relaxes. MIRA You are? MINDY Yes, so can we all just calm down. Mindy texts Danny. MINDY (CONT’D) (texting) Told my mom we are living together. She types two kissing emoticons. "Here Comes The Groom" 6.

DANNY (texting) I hope you told her no. We need to talk about this. MINDY (texting) Make me two keys please. I’ll probably lose one. xoxo MINDY (to everyone) Let’s enjoy some cake, shall we? MORGAN Ah, Min? Looks like Little Rishi already started celebrating. Little Rishi has cake all over his mouth. Morgan ushers him out. END OF COLD OPEN "Here Comes The Groom" 7.

ACT ONE INT. SHULMAN’S WOMEN’S HEALTH ASSOCIATES - RECEPTION AREA - DAY Mindy storms up to the reception desk. Danny reads a chart from across the room. Morgan and TAMRA braid each others hair by the phlebotomy office. BEVERLY clips her toenails at her desk. Mindy throws a box of condoms at Danny. MINDY What the hell, Danny? DANNY What? MINDY What? Are you seriously asking me that question? Why the hell did you leave a box of condoms laying out in your bedroom? DANNY (smirking) You told me to lay out some of your things to make it seem like we live together. MINDY Yeah, I meant like a scarf or something. Not... (waving her hands at the box of condoms) Those. My mother made me take her over there once she found out we were living together. I was mortified. DANNY Hey, at least she knows we’re being safe. MINDY Well apparently it doesn’t even matter because she literally just told me that if I was to quote ‘get pregnant right now’ she’d be fine with it. Because then at least someone can call her Nani before she dies. MORGAN Oh, is that what I should have called your mom when I met her? Damn it! I totally missed that. (MORE) "Here Comes The Groom" 8. MORGAN (CONT'D) (pauses) Wait, is your mom dying? Sorry, Dr. L. MINDY No, she’s fine. Oh well, at least Rishi... MORGAN You mean Dr. L. MINDY Yeah, I’m not calling him that. We’ve shared enough things over the years. At least my brother can now fulfill my mother’s dreams of becoming a grandmother. Speaking of Rishi, he doesn’t really have any guy friends other than famous rappers who never have time for him and super dorky scientists who haven’t discovered fun yet. So, I was kind of hoping you guys could... MORGAN Take him out to the woods to find his spirit animal. I had a feeling you might ask that so I went ahead and filled up my canteen. He raises up a canteen and takes a sip. MINDY Um, no. I was going to say throw him a bachelor party. You know, before he officially starts making babies. (realizing) Eeew. PETER wheels his chair out to the reception area from his office. PETER Did someone say bachelor party? I don’t mean to brag but throwing bachelor parties is kind of my specialty. They don’t call me Peter Peter Stripper Leader for nothing. I actually need to cash in my Sluts ‘r Us party card anyway. (proudly) After 10 parties, you get the 11th one free. "Here Comes The Groom" 9.

MINDY No, I don’t need my brother hanging around hos from Sluts ‘r Us. He’s already marrying one apparently. Just then JEREMY exits from an office with a YOUNG FEMALE SLIGHTLY PREGNANT PATIENT. She looks like a women from Sluts ‘r Us. Peter Someone’s ears must have been ringing. Hey Charity! Congrats! He high-fives her on her way out. JEREMY Did someone say stag party? Count me in. I’m great at attracting hen parties. I’m like a magnet. MORGAN Wait, did you say hen parties? This is perfect. My hen, Chester, is starting to get really bored watching at Grandma’s. I mean, Ryan Seacrest is like what, 80 now? Poor guy. I heard his wife kidnapped him and won’t let his own children see him. MINDY You’re thinking of Casey Kasem, Morgan. MORGAN Wait, Casey Kasem hosts American Idol? TAMRA Hey, what did you do for your bachelor party, Dr. C? DANNY I didn’t have one. Bachelor parties are for frat guys and men who need to prove they have more than one friend. Who needs more than one friend? Mine is Stevie from Staten. Well, you guys know him. He clears his throat and looks down at his chart. DANNY (CONT’D) Mindy knows him. "Here Comes The Groom" 10.

MINDY Danny, can I see you in my office please? And Beverly? Can’t you go do that in the Deslaurier’s office? BEVERLY I’ll just messenger them up my clippings like I do with my boob x- rays. Danny and Mindy walk into Mindy’s office and shut the door. INT. MINDY’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Danny sits in the chair across from Mindy. DANNY What? So I didn’t have a bachelor party. Sue me. And I was just kidding about Stevie. That was like a year ago. MINDY Please. Like I care about that. Although when we’re engaged you can’t just hop on board my bachelorette party. That would just be... MINDY (CONT’D) DANNY Desperate. A great way to get to know your friends. MINDY (CONT’D) Anyway, we need to talk about this living together situation. DANNY Right. When does your family leave again? I guess we can keep up the charade for a few more days. MINDY Or, what if we just pretend like my family is never leaving? DANNY Your family is moving to New York City? MINDY No, I mean, what if we really lived together? I mean, I’m over there practically every night anyway. "Here Comes The Groom" 11.

DANNY I don’t know, Mindy. I finally got all of Christina’s stuff out of the place and you know I can’t handle mirrors above my bed. Plus, if you move in, that means the next step is... Danny gets extremely uncomfortable. MINDY Danny, you’re sweating. DANNY Am I? I went for a jog earlier. It must be from that. MINDY Wait, was Morgan right? Do you not want to get married again? Does this mean I need to take our names off the William-Sonoma registry for 2016? DANNY What’s that? Like a conference? I’m just gonna pour myself a glass of water. He pours himself a glass of water from a pitcher on Mindy’s bar. He drinks it in one gulp. DANNY (CONT’D) Look, I’m just saying, I need a little time before I can even think about the M word. MINDY Okay, I can respect that. I mean, I guess we’ve only been officially dating for a few months. DANNY (calming down) Thank you. He sits back down in the chair. Mindy walks over and sits on his lap. She immediately slips off. MINDY So sweaty. You’re so sweaty. DANNY I’m sorry. I can’t control it. She gets up, adjusts her outfit, and goes back to her desk. "Here Comes The Groom" 12.

MINDY Maybe I’ll throw Reeva a goodbye to being a such a slut party at my place tonight. DANNY Be nice. She’s going to be your sister- in-law in less than 24 hours. Why do you hate her so much anyway? MINDY Because. She met Rishi, what, like three months ago and she’s already wearing my grandmother’s headpiece on her perfectly groomed head? If anyone deserves to be a Kardashian bride it’s me. I’ve basically dated Scott Disick in various forms for years. DANNY I don’t know who that is but he sounds classy. But wait, your family thinks you live with me, remember? MINDY I’ll just tell them I’m keeping my apartment for when I have my period. Trust me, you don’t want to be around me then anyway. Why do you think I mysteriously don’t come into work four days a month?/Trust me, they’ll understand. When I was a teenager, packs of dogs used to follow me home for five days straight. But maybe, just to prove that we really are in a serious relationship, you could host Rishi’s bachelor party tonight? DANNY What? Why? MINDY Because, then my family will stop bugging me about being single and they can finally take down my OurTime.com profile. Which is for people over fifty. Which I just find offensive. Although I have given my menopausal clients a lot of great advice thanks to the friendships I’ve formed on it. I’ll just drop off a few more things at your place before the party. "Here Comes The Groom" 13.

DANNY Okay, but we need to set a few ground rules first. MINDY Hit me. DANNY Okay, no changing my cable package to reality TV only. MINDY Can I at least TiVo all of the Real Housewives shows. DANNY Only Miami. MINDY What about the secret Real Housewives of Alaska that no one seems to know about? Apparently when Eskimo women are ready to give birth, they go out into the woods alone, have the baby, and return with the baby and some firewood. Who wouldn’t want to watch that? DANNY Fine. You can record that, too. MINDY Yes! DANNY No adding pillows to my bed. A person only needs one. Anything else is for wusses. MINDY I agree. DANNY That includes decorative ones. MINDY But Danny! DANNY I don’t want to hear it. And finally, the most important one: No glitter and no pink. "Here Comes The Groom" 14.

MINDY Um, have you met me? You’re basically telling me to become Amish. I mean, they make great furniture and all but I can’t sustain this bod on butter and cheese alone. Trust me, I’ve tried. Wait, did you say no glitter or no sequins? DANNY Mindy! MINDY Okay, I get it. Nothing shiny. The phone rings. Mindy picks it up. MINDY (CONT’D) Hello, future Mrs. Dr. Castellano speaking. Danny rolls his eyes and leaves Mindy’s office. MINDY (CONT’D) Oh, hey Rishi! Cancel whatever plans you had because you are going out tonight.

END OF ACT ONE "Here Comes The Groom" 15.

ACT TWO INT. MINDY’S APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT Mindy pops open a bottle of champagne while Tamra, Beverly, Reeva, and Mira drink cocktails and dance to “Party in the U.S.A.” by Miley Cyrus in the living room. MINDY It’s officially your last night as a hobag, Reeva! REEVA (drunkenly) What? I couldn’t hear you. MINDY I said, cheers to becoming the future Mrs. Lahiri! Everyone cheers. REEVA Thanks again Mindy for throwing me this party. I’m the last one out of my friends to get married so it means a lot that you guys went out of your way to help me celebrate. MINDY Wait, aren’t you like 24? REEVA Yeah, don’t remind me. If I was 25 and still single I’d kill myself. Mindy chugs the champagne. There is a knock at the door. Mindy answers it. HEATHER, her neighbor and past enemy, walks inside with a cake. MINDY Heather! What are you doing here? MIRA I invited her. We met in the hallway earlier today and she told me she just broke up with someone recently. Thought this would cheer her up. MINDY It wasn’t Danny was it? HEATHER What? Danny? No. "Here Comes The Groom" 16.

MINDY Just checking. You know, with our history. HEATHER (laughing) Right. (crying) I just miss him so much. MINDY Oh Jesus. Okay, why don’t I take this cake you made and you can take this. Mindy hands her the champagne bottle. MINDY (CONT’D) (looking at cake) Wow, and I see it’s in the shape of the Taj Mahal? HEATHER (sniffling) Yeah, I figured Reeva is going to miss her home country now that she’ll be living in the U.S. REEVA I’m from Cleveland. HEATHER Oh, I’ve never been to India. Heather takes a chug from the champagne bottle. MINDY Oh boy. This is going to be a long night. INT. DANNY’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Danny, Jeremy, Peter, Morgan, and Rishi drink beers in the kitchen. Rishy wears a sash that says “Dad To Be.” A few of Rishi’s nerdy friends from Stanford are on their phones in the living room. The apartment has Mindy written all over it. DANNY Hey, sorry your Dad couldn’t join us tonight, Rishi. RISHI That’s okay. I know how he gets if he doesn’t get his beauty sleep. "Here Comes The Groom" 17.

MORGAN Tell me about it. I’ve already laid out all of my creams on my bed so when I get home, all I have to do is have my grandmother apply them. RISHI Hey, thanks again for the sash, Morgan. MORGAN Sure. I just went to the sexy Dad section at Toys ‘r Us. Mindy said she’s relying on you to keep the Lahiri family name going so I figured... RISHI Yeah. I want five kids. Mainly because I want to create and manage the Lahiri 5 one day. I already have their names picked out. Rishi Jr., of course, Shaz, Arjun, Krishna, and Janet. JEREMY I really like what you’ve done to the place, Danny. I didn’t realize you had such an affinity for animal print. Wow, even the microwave. He picks up an animal print Spatula. The living room curtains, rug, candles, and couch pillows are also in zebra and leopard print. DANNY That was Mindy. She told her family we’re living together so she dropped off a few things. PETER Wow, cheers to you, buddy. I tried to live with a girl once. I couldn’t do it once I saw her hemorrhoid ointment. Still makes me gag. He gags. RISHI (to his friends) Hey, what are you guys doing over there? "Here Comes The Groom" 18.

FRIEND #1 Just creating an app. It’s already #1 on iTunes. There is a knock at the door. Peter opens it. Party music plays and a bunch of HALF NAKED WOMEN from Sluts ‘r Us enter with boas and various party favors. PETER Hey, thanks for coming on such short notice. Charity enters last. PETER (CONT’D) Oh, hey, Charity. Glad you could make it. Wasn’t sure in your current condition and all. CHARITY Hey, I’ve still got bills to pay. (to all) Let’s get this party started! PETER Nice. Peter turns the lights off. A disco ball turns on. DANNY What? How did she have time to install that? The women attempt to dance with the nerdy friends but it’s just awkward. Peter is all about it while Rishi and Jeremy get in on the action. Danny sends a video of it to Mindy. DANNY (CONT’D) (texting) Sluts have arrived. And I’m not talking about Reeva. INT. MINDY’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS All the girls are on the couch and floor watching Keeping up with the Kardashians, eating popcorn, and drinking champagne. MIRA So, all you have to do is make a sex tape and you become famous in this country? MINDY Yep. It’s amazing. "Here Comes The Groom" 19.

Mindy receives the video and watches it. MINDY (CONT’D) (texting) What are those hobags doing there? She texts the bikini and purse emoticons. MINDY (CONT’D) (texting) Be right over. Tell Charity to stop grinding on Rishi. DANNY (texting) I approved it. (pause) This is Jeremy. MINDY Gross. Okay girls, grab your bottles. We’re going to kick some stripper butt. INT. DANNY’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Mindy, Reeva, Heather, Tamra, and Beverly storm into the apartment. They are all wearing Statue of Liberty foam hats and each holds an iconic New York food - hot dog, Shake Shack Burger, Mr. Softy’s ice cream cone, a soft pretzel, and a slice of pizza. DANNY There you are. Where have you been? MINDY I promised Reeva I’d show her the best New York has to offer before her wedding so we just made a few quick stops. DANNY Took you long enough. Where’s your mom? MINDY Like I could subject my mother to this shenanigan. I sent her home with a bottle of absinthe. She won’t even remember tonight. Excuse me. She pushes past Danny toward Rishi and Charity. She breaks them apart. "Here Comes The Groom" 20.

MINDY (CONT’D) Rishi! Just because I told you to enjoy your last night of freedom doesn’t mean you should be grinding up against some pregnant stripper. You shouldn’t even be doing this, Charity. You know better. CHARITY Hey, I’m only in my first trimester. MINDY Exactly. You are in a very delicate stage of pregnancy. Plus, no one wants to dance with your bump. That’s just gross. She grabs an animal print blanket from the couch and covers her up. Charity takes a sip of an energy drink. MINDY (CONT’D) Did someone give her an energy drink? PETER (being kissed by one of the dancers) Oh yeah, I did. What’s the big deal? MINDY What’s the big deal? Okay, that’s it. Everybody out. I mean it. All of you sluts. (pauses) Reeva, you can stay. Mindy turns off the music. Reeva runs over to Rishi. Tamra and Morgan are still dancing. CHARITY (to Tamra) Hey girl, how you been? It’s just not the same without you. MORGAN Wait, you were one of those fancy dancers? TAMRA Just when I was with RayRon. That’s his sister Rayelle. But everyone calls her RayRon. (to Charity) Hey, what up, RayRon. Tell RayRon I say hey, what up. "Here Comes The Groom" 21.

CHARITY See you at my next ultrasound Dr. R. Looking forward to it. She playfully pulls Jeremy’s tie and exits with the other dancers and Rishi’s friends. Beverly opens a beer bottle with her teeth and spits the cap at Heather. It hits her in the head. HEATHER Ow. BEVERLY (unbuttoning her blouse) Let’s keep this party going. I didn’t work at Hooters for ten years for nothing! Peter blasts his iPod and everyone starts dancing while Heather tries to stop Beverly from flashing everyone. DANNY Mindy, can I talk to you for a second? MINDY Sure. They walk into Danny’s bedroom. INT. DANNY’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Danny and Mindy sit on the bed that is also covered in animal print and pillows with pictures of their faces on them. DANNY First of all, I said no decorative pillows. MINDY Danny, they’re not decorative pillows. They’re pictures of us. That you can hug. Look, I even made a body pillow of just me so you can snuggle with it when I’m gone. DANNY Mindy, I just don’t know if I... Mindy eats cake from her purse. It’s all over her mouth. DANNY (CONT’D) Can you stop eating cake for a second? "Here Comes The Groom" 22.

DANNY (CONT’D) I just don’t know if I ever want to get married again. Mindy grabs the rest of the cake from her bag and shoves it in her mouth. She tries to swallow it. MINDY What? DANNY Just being at this bachelor party tonight reminded me that I’ve already had a wedding. I’ve been the husband. And, guess what, it didn’t work. What makes you think I won’t screw this up? Mindy wipes her mouth. MINDY Because you learned from your mistakes, Danny. And we have a completely different relationship than you and Christina did. First of all, I’m no photographer. I can’t take a good selfie if my life depended on it and secondly, we’ve been through so much together. We love each other. DANNY Sometimes love isn’t enough, Mindy. I’m just being realistic. There is a knock on the door. Mindy clears her throat. Reeva enters. She is crying. MINDY Reeva, what’s wrong? She runs over to comfort her. REEVA Rishi. He just called off the wedding. MINDY What?

END OF ACT TWO "Here Comes The Groom" 23.

ACT THREE EXT. JAY-Z AND BEYONCE’S APARTMENT BUILDING - CONTINUOUS Rishi sits on the steps of the apartment building. Mindy walks up to him. MINDY I had a feeling you’d be here. She sits down next to him. MINDY (CONT’D) I still don’t know how you found out where Jay Z and Beyonce live. But I thank you. I, too, come here sometimes when I need to be alone with my thoughts. I swear, if I see Queen Bey tonight, hell, if I see Solange I can die happy. RISHI (sadly) Word. MINDY So, what’s going on, Rish? Why did you tell Reeva you’re calling off the wedding? RISHI It just hit me like a ton of bricks. Tonight, when I was dancing with Charity? That could be me a year from now. MINDY Rishi, please don’t tell me you’re quitting college again and pursuing a life as a stripper. Because if you are...you need to invest in some serious waxing. RISHI No. I just mean, I could be a Dad before I even turn twenty-three. I don’t know if I’m really ready for all that. I’m still figuring out who I am, you know? Reeva’s the only girl I’ve ever been with. I haven’t, you know, spread the Lahiri seed. "Here Comes The Groom" 24.

MINDY Gross. Listen to me, Rishi. I have had my fair share of lovers and let me tell you, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. It just messes with your emotions and you end up gaining ten pounds, dating a prostitute, and taking him to your co-worker’s dinner party. It’s not good. RISHI Come on, Mindy. You know what I mean. Maybe I’m just marrying Reeva because she’s the first girl that really gets me. RISHI (CONT’D) Listen. Am I a little jealous that Reeva is only twenty-four and found the love of her life? Yes. Did I stalk her Facebook profile to see how many ex-boyfriends she has and contact them personally to find out what her relationship flaws are? Maybe. But you know what I do know for sure? RISHI (CONT’D) What? MINDY That she loves you. And you love her. You two make a wonderful couple, even if I do secretly hope she gains twenty pounds so we can share the same clothes one day. Damn her and her good taste. Maybe marrying your first love is what we should all be doing. (pauses) Although, if I married the first guy I slept with, I’d probably be living in a commune somewhere. He was a major hippie. I know, right? You would never picture me with a guy with dreadlocks but they were big back in the early 2000’s. RISHI Maybe Reeva and I should just live together first. You know, like you and Danny. MINDY Yeah, about that. Danny and I aren’t actually living together. "Here Comes The Groom" 25.

RISHI What? But you two seem so happy. MINDY We are. That’s the problem. RISHI How is that a problem? Unless it’s because he discovered your obsession with placing all of your food deliveries via Skype? Mindy playfully nudges him with her elbow. MINDY Hey. I am just ensuring my own safety, buddy. You never know who is delivering your food. RISHI Right. You weren’t just checking them out first. MINDY You’re right. I’m going to have to break that habit. It’s just that Danny’s afraid of getting married again. He thinks it will jinx us. And it makes me wonder? Do I want to be with someone who never wants to get married? RISHI This coming from the women who has a mock wedding room at Mom & Dad’s? MINDY That’s just half of it. The reception stuff is in storage. RISHI But that’s just a wedding, Min. Do you want to be with Danny forever? MINDY Yes. Yes, I do. RISHI Then that’s all that matters. Mindy leans her head onto Rishi’s shoulder. She takes a deep breath. "Here Comes The Groom" 26.

MINDY I guess you’re right, Rishi. We love each other and that should be enough. Rishi receives a text on his phone. He checks it. RISHI It’s Reeva. She said she’ll be at the altar tomorrow. No matter what. MINDY What are you going to do? RISHI I don’t know. I have to think about it. (pauses) I’m going to go take a walk. Clear my head. MINDY Okay. I’ll just probably stick around here. You know, in case Baby Blue’s nurse leaves and I can sneak in real quick. RISHI Sure. I’ll talk to you later. Rishi and Mindy hug and he walks away. A security guard comes outside, motioning for Mindy to leave. MINDY Can I just leave this for Mr. And Mrs. Knowles? No response. MINDY (CONT’D) I’ll take your silence as a yes. She shoves her business card into the security guard’s hand and runs down the stairs. MINDY (CONT’D) I love you! INT. HOTEL BALLROOM WEDDING CEREMONY - THE NEXT DAY Reeva stands at the altar, in front of 500 people, looking beautiful and nervous. Mindy is by her side along with twelve other bridesmaids and twelve groomsmen, including Morgan, Peter, Danny, and Jeremy. Morgan wears a top hat and waves to Tamra in the front row. "Here Comes The Groom" 27.

Beverly sips from a flask next to Tamra. There is no sign of Rishi. Mira motions for Mindy to console Reeva. MINDY Listen, Reeva. I wanted to apologize for switching out your shampoo for horse shampoo. That was just childish. But I have to admit, your hair does look extra shiny today. So, congrats on that. I know I may have been mean to you in the past but I only did that because I was jealous. Nobody deserves to be left at the altar. REEVA Rishi will be here. I know it. Mindy looks at Danny. She mouths for help. Danny comes over. DANNY (to Reeva) Hey Reeva. You look beautiful. (to Mindy) So do you. Mindy blushes. She looks at Danny and points to her watch. DANNY (CONT’D) Hey, Reeva. It’s getting late. I think it might be time to step down, sweetheart. REEVA No, he’s coming. He’s coming. DANNY Okay. Maybe another five minutes. Danny turns around to face the audience. DANNY (CONT’D) So, how about them Indians, right? He offends everyone. DANNY (CONT’D) (to Mindy) You said she was from Cleveland! The Indians. Baseball? Mortified, he pretends to swing a bat. DANNY (CONT’D) Baseball? "Here Comes The Groom" 28.

It’s just making things worse. He goes back to stand in line with the groomsmen. Morgan pats him on the back. MORGAN It’s okay, Dr. C. I got it. Cricket, right? There is a few seconds of awkward silence. Finally, Kevin Thornton, Mark Calderon, Martin Kember, , and Bryan Abrams of Color Me Badd walk up to the altar and face the audience. MINDY Oh my God, Color Me Badd? What are you guys doing here? Is this because I downloaded your ringtone illegally? I’m cheap, okay? I admit it. Why would anyone waste a dollar on a ringtone when they can get a Grey’s Papaya hot dog? Am I right? KEVIN THORTON You must be Mindy. Rishi told me you’d probably say that. Let’s do this, boys. MINDY Do what? Wait, is Color Me Badd marrying my brother? It’s like a 90210 dream come true. A beat begins and they start to sing “I Wanna Sex You Up”. COLOR ME BADD “To the ah tick top you don’t stop, to the ah tick tock you don’t stop, stop. Oooooohhhh oooooohhhhh.” The doors open and Rishi rides in on Little Rishi. RISHI “Come inside, take off your coat, I’ll make you feel at home. Now let’s pour a glass of wine ‘cause now we’re all alone. I’ve been waiting all night so just let me hold you close to me, ‘Cause I’ve been dyin’ for you girl and make love to me.” Mindy is mortified. She covers her eyes. Reeva is beaming. MINDY Oh my God. This is not happening. "Here Comes The Groom" 29.

PETER (dancing) Ah, yeah. This is my jam. You go, Reezy Peezy! Rishi continues down the aisle. RISHI “Girl you make me feel real good. We can do it ‘til we both wake up. Girl, you know I’m hooked on you, And this is what I’ll do...” MINDY (peeking) It’s still happening. RISHI Everybody now. He motions for everyone to wave their hands back and forth in the air. RISHI (CONT’D) “I wanna sex you up.” Rishi and Color Me Badd continue to sing. REEVA This is our song. MINDY K, I wish you would have told me that earlier. Now I have to change my ringtone. But first... Mindy takes out her phone from her dress pocket and plays her ringtone. She waves her hands back and forth while the other guests join in. Rishi hops off Little Rishi as he reaches Reeva. RISHI I made it, girl. Sorry it took me so long to get here. Let’s do this. Mindy smiles and turns back toward the altar. All five members of Color Me Badd open up their bibles and begin the ceremony. "Here Comes The Groom" 30.

EXT. WEDDING RECEPTION - AN HOUR LATER Mindy cuts herself the first piece of cake and tries to cover it up by placing the bride and groom toppers where the slice used to be. She takes a few flower petals from a nearby vase and shoves them around the figurines. MINDY (V.O.) In the end, it all worked out. Color Me Badd married My little brother and Reeva, I got to meet my favorite ‘90s , and nobody even seemed to mind how inappropriate Rishi’s entrance was. If anything, Little Rishi was the star of the show, thanks to Morgan. Danny walks up to Mindy at the cake table. There are lipstick marks all over his cheeks. MINDY So, you met my Aunties, huh? DANNY Do they always travel in packs? MINDY Why do you think I moved out of Boston? They made me go to like 20 proms, up until very recently. DANNY How’s the cake? MINDY Not that great. I’ve only had like two pieces. Here. Mindy shoves way too big of a bite into his mouth. Mindy’s mother and father walk by. MINDY (CONT’D) (proudly) Oh, Mom. Dad. This is Danny. They stop to say hello. Danny has cake all over his mouth. DANNY So nice to meet you Mr. And Mrs. Lahiri. He bows awkwardly. "Here Comes The Groom" 31.

MINDY (whispering to Danny) What are you doing? Stand up. Danny clears his throat, wipes his mouth, and aggressively shakes their hands. DANNY I’ve heard so many great things about you. MIRA Nice to finally meet you Dr. Castellano. DANNY You look well rested, Mr. Lahiri. MR. LAHIRI Excuse me? DANNY It’s just...I know you need a lot of beauty sleep...and...ah... Mr. Lahiri looks at Danny awkwardly. DANNY (CONT’D) Hey, I get it. I need at least eight hours sleep or I look like Rocky Balboa in the middle of a fight. Not that you look like that, sir. Um. Danny loosens up his tie. He is sweating. DANNY (CONT’D) Is it hot in here? MINDY Yeah, you should see this guy when he has to sleep over at the hospital. I once thought he was Don, the homeless guy we let sleep in our empty beds sometimes. I even put $5 in the mug next to him. MR. LAHIRI Nice to meet you, Daniel. I hear things with my daughter have gotten pretty serious. MINDY About that, Dad. Danny and I aren’t actually liv- "Here Comes The Groom" 32.

DANNY Living together? Sure we are. He gives her a side hug. DANNY (CONT’D) We’re two grown adults, Mindy. I’m sure your Dad understands that. MR. LAHIRI Just take good care of my little girl. Don’t you break her heart or I’ll make you disappear. Danny uncomfortably laughs. MINDY Um, he’s serious. He works for the... Mindy uses air quotes. MINDY (CONT’D) (whispers) Government. Danny is stunned. DANNY (through his smile) You’re just mentioning this to me now? Danny shakes Mr. Lahiri’s hand again. DANNY (CONT’D) Don’t you worry, Mr. Lahiri. I love Mindy more than anything, sir. She means the world to me. He pulls Mindy in close and kisses her head. MR. LAHIRI Good. Well, I think I’m going to dance with my wife. If my son will ever get off that stage and let the DJ do his job. We pan to Rishi, who is up on stage learning dance moves with Color Me Badd. MR. LAHIRI (CONT’D) Nice to meet you, Daniel. (to Mira) Honey, let’s boogie. "Here Comes The Groom" 33.

Mr. Lahiri winks at Mindy as he and Mira start to dance away from them. MIRA Don’t forget, Danny, I have a ring if you want it. She points to her pocket. MINDY Mother! MIRA I’m just saying. She dances away. MINDY I’m sorry about that. My mother is...well, my mother. DANNY It’s okay. I think we should take our relationship to the next level. MINDY What? Get married? DANNY Why don’t we start with living together first and take it from there. Think you can handle me? Mindy hugs Danny and gives him a sweet kiss. MINDY Yes. But can you handle me? She does a ridiculous version of the robot dance. DANNY I’m not so sure. Nevermind. MINDY Hey! She kisses Danny again. Peter bumps into them shortly after. PETER Sorry, guys. Morgan just tried to Dirty Dance me but let me tell ya... (yelling to Morgan) He’s no Jennifer Grey! "Here Comes The Groom" 34.

Peter grabs Mindy’s hand. PETER (CONT’D) Come on, you two. Lets go cut a rug. They all walk onto the dance floor where Morgan is now trying to lift Tamra in the air. Beverly and Jeremy take turns swigging from a flask while slow dancing. MORGAN (to Tamra) You can do it. Just trust me. Tamra leaps into Morgan’s hands and falls on top of him. Peter immediately grabs Tamra, twirls her into his arms, and dances her away from him. Morgan is in pain. MORGAN (CONT’D) Hey, a little help here? Everyone ignores him. MORGAN (CONT’D) (yelling) Little Rishi? They all dance around him, laughing and having a good time. We pan to the stage. Rishi has the mic along with all of the members of Color Me Badd. RISHI This one goes out to my beautiful boo, Mrs. Reeva Lahiriiiiiiii!

RISHI (CONT’D) COLOR ME BADD To the ah, tick tock you To the ah, tick tock you don’t stop. To the ah, tick don’t stop. To the ah, tick tock you don’t stop, stop. tock you don’t stop, stop. All the guests put their hands up in the air and sing “Oooooohhhh ooooooohhh. I wanna sex you up.”

END OF SHOW