THE MINDY PROJECT "Here Comes The Groom" Written by Carly Petrone May 29th, 2014 COLD OPEN INT. MINDY’S APARTMENT - HALLWAY - AFTERNOON MINDY walks in slo-mo out of her bedroom and into the living room. She is smiling and wearing a white veil. She grabs a bunch of flowers from a vase as she passes the entry table. MINDY (V.O.) Finally, a Lahiri wedding. I swear my parents were about to adopt any engaged woman just to tell 500 of their closest friends and family that one of their children was getting married. But I have to admit, Danny and I have come a long way since declaring our love for each other at the Empire State Building. Mindy shuts her eyes. EXT. TOP OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING- NIGHT - FLASHBACK Mindy and DANNY make out on the ground. EXT. MINDY’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - BACK TO PRESENT DAY Mindy smells the flowers and opens her eyes. We pan to REEVA CHOPRA, a beautiful 24 year-old bride-to-be sitting on the couch while a group of middle-aged INDIAN AUNTIES design henna on her arms. Gifts and food fill the room. REEVA Oh, Mindy, my veil looks beautiful on you. You should wear one just like it when you finally get married. MINDY (V.O.) (fake smiling) Then again, I never thought my little brother, Rishi, would be walking down the aisle before I did. Especially to a little skan- HENNA ARTIST (interrupts) Mindy, dear, you wanted henna on your back, yes? MINDY Yes, I’d like the same tattoos that Angelina Jolie has on her back. One, because she’s basically our future president, and two because everyone knows my future son’s name is Maddox. "Here Comes The Groom" 2. Mindy sips from a mug that reads “#1 Mom, Love Maddox.” MINDY What? I’m still practicing The Secret. She puts the mug down and takes out a folded up picture of Angelina from her bra and gives it to the artist. She sits down next to Reeva and pulls down the straps from her dress. REEVA Thanks again for hosting this bridal shower, Mindy. I know it must be hard for you since you’re still single and everything. MINDY Single? I’m hardly single, Reeva. In fact, I just changed my ringtone from “Single Ladies” to “I Wanna Sex You Up” by Color Me Badd. Mindy giggles. MINDY Badd with two dees. Those guys were so clever. REEVA So, who’s the guy this time? Oh wait, let me guess, your divorced dentist? Some crazy witch doctor? Your pizza delivery guy? MINDY Okay, that was one time. And I only did that because he worked at my favorite pizza place. Who can say no to a discounted pie? But if you must know, I am, in fact, in love with a very successful and sexy doctor from my practice named Daniel Castellano. Plus, like you would know, Reeva. You’ve only been dating Rishi for like, what, a minute? (to the room) Can someone say shotgun wedding? Mindy’s mother, MIRA, enters the room carrying a beautiful gold and diamond headpiece. "Here Comes The Groom" 3. MIRA I told you, Mindy, I’ve known Reeva’s mom for years. I just knew they would hit it off. Mira puts the jewelry on Reeva. Mindy jerks up from the couch, causing her henna tattoo to smear. It just reads “MAD” on her upper left shoulder. REEVA Oh my gosh, Mrs. Lahiri. Are you sure? It’s just beautiful. MINDY Seriously, Mom? You’re giving this Frieda Pinto wannabe Grandma’s headpiece? You know that was my only shot at ever looking like a Kardashian. Now what am I going to do? Mindy’s front door opens. MORGAN enters. He has a baby elephant with him on a leash. MORGAN Knock knock. Happy wedding shower. MINDY Morgan, what are you doing here? And why do you have a baby elephant? MORGAN Well, I did a little light reading on my way over on my flip phone, which took a few hours, but it was worth it because I found out that in Indian weddings it is customary for the groom to ride in on an elephant. So, I figured small elephant for a tiny rapper. Am I right? MINDY I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to have a baby elephant roaming the streets of, well, any streets. MORGAN Oh no, it’s okay. My grandmother is a member at the zoo. I just checked him out like I do with books at the library. See? Morgan takes out his grandmother’s zoo membership card. "Here Comes The Groom" 4. MORGAN (CONT’D) Got a stamp and everything. MINDY That just means you were admitted. MORGAN Such a worrier! Morgan freaks out when he sees Mira. He drops the leash and runs to hug her. MORGAN Mrs. Dr. L, I cannot tell you how excited I am to finally meet you. I’ve been dreaming of this day. Morgan holds her tight while kissing her forehead incessantly and shushing her. MORGAN (CONT’D) I just think you should know that I would do anything for your daughter. Anything. Except accidently murder someone. I did that once and I’m still covering my tracks. Morgan looks up. MORGAN Wait a minute. Mindy, I thought Rishi was getting married. Not you and Dr. C. I didn’t even know Dr. C wanted to get married again. Morgan lets go of Mira and walks back toward the elephant. MORGAN (CONT’D) Great, now I have to go get a bigger elephant. Come on Little Rishi, lets go back to the zoo. MINDY Wait, Morgan. What are you talking about? MORGAN (pointing across the room) That sign. We pan to a floral heart sign that reads “Congratulations Dr. L & Dr. C!” "Here Comes The Groom" 5. MINDY I can see why that would be confusing. Actually, Rishi’s stage name is now Dr. L., apparently. For SEO reasons or something. I don’t know. I’m no Mark Zuckerberg. And Reeva’s last name is Chopra, and she is getting her PhD in probably something really lame like the History of Hipsters. REEVA Actually, I’m discovering what role female genocide plays in the destruction of third world economies. MINDY Of course you are. (pauses) Anyway, Morgan, I’m not getting married. Mira starts crying and praying in Hindi for her daughter to get married. Mindy throws up her hands in defeat. MINDY Oh for Christ sakes. Everyone in the room gasps. MINDY I mean, in the holy name of Ganesh or whatever. That’s a God, right? I’m practically married, mom. I mean, Danny and I are living together. In an apartment. That he owns. Mira relaxes. MIRA You are? MINDY Yes, so can we all just calm down. Mindy texts Danny. MINDY (CONT’D) (texting) Told my mom we are living together. She types two kissing emoticons. "Here Comes The Groom" 6. DANNY (texting) I hope you told her no. We need to talk about this. MINDY (texting) Make me two keys please. I’ll probably lose one. xoxo MINDY (to everyone) Let’s enjoy some cake, shall we? MORGAN Ah, Min? Looks like Little Rishi already started celebrating. Little Rishi has cake all over his mouth. Morgan ushers him out. END OF COLD OPEN "Here Comes The Groom" 7. ACT ONE INT. SHULMAN’S WOMEN’S HEALTH ASSOCIATES - RECEPTION AREA - DAY Mindy storms up to the reception desk. Danny reads a chart from across the room. Morgan and TAMRA braid each others hair by the phlebotomy office. BEVERLY clips her toenails at her desk. Mindy throws a box of condoms at Danny. MINDY What the hell, Danny? DANNY What? MINDY What? Are you seriously asking me that question? Why the hell did you leave a box of condoms laying out in your bedroom? DANNY (smirking) You told me to lay out some of your things to make it seem like we live together. MINDY Yeah, I meant like a scarf or something. Not... (waving her hands at the box of condoms) Those. My mother made me take her over there once she found out we were living together. I was mortified. DANNY Hey, at least she knows we’re being safe. MINDY Well apparently it doesn’t even matter because she literally just told me that if I was to quote ‘get pregnant right now’ she’d be fine with it. Because then at least someone can call her Nani before she dies. MORGAN Oh, is that what I should have called your mom when I met her? Damn it! I totally missed that. (MORE) "Here Comes The Groom" 8. MORGAN (CONT'D) (pauses) Wait, is your mom dying? Sorry, Dr. L. MINDY No, she’s fine. Oh well, at least Rishi... MORGAN You mean Dr. L. MINDY Yeah, I’m not calling him that. We’ve shared enough things over the years. At least my brother can now fulfill my mother’s dreams of becoming a grandmother. Speaking of Rishi, he doesn’t really have any guy friends other than famous rappers who never have time for him and super dorky scientists who haven’t discovered fun yet. So, I was kind of hoping you guys could... MORGAN Take him out to the woods to find his spirit animal. I had a feeling you might ask that so I went ahead and filled up my canteen. He raises up a canteen and takes a sip.