EDITORS’ FOREWORD

Many thanks for picking up Euphony’s Spring 2016 issue! It has been slightly too long in the making—much like the Spring season itself. Now that we are officially out of Winter (officially, but perhaps not experientially...) we encourage you to cuddle with Euphony and whatever kind of beverage suits your fancy; to ensconce yourself once again on a Quad bench, in a café, or in the illustrious Reg (we suppose you found this issue at some such place); and to devour all that we have to offer. In this issue, you will find the customary poetry and prose. We have grief and strange surprises, reminiscing and revolution, rococo-esque representation and an obsession with feet-cleaning fish. Fire, flea markets, homages, porn… but we digress. We promise not to reveal all our goodies. It’s Spring, after all. The medievals called it the season which “pricks” everyone into lust (or love, if you’re an optimist). Let’s hope this issue will be the object of your affection.

Check us out on Twitter [@euphonyjournal] for our regularly- scheduled quips and the semi-serious #euphonysuggests. See our newly-redesigned website [euphonyjournal.org] for content that is not featured in our print issues. As always, you can contact us at [email protected] for any ol’ thing.

—The Editors

EUPHONY VOLUME 16, NUMBER 2 SPRING 2016

Euphony is a non-profit literary journal produced biannually at the University of Chicago. We are dedicated to publishing the finest work by writers and artists both accomplished and aspiring. We publish a variety of works including poetry, fiction, drama, essays, criticism, and translations. Visit our website, www.euphonyjournal.org, for more information.

Founded Spring 2000 by Stephen Barbara and Matthew Deming

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Euphony is a registered member of the Council of Literary Magazines and Presses www.clmp.org

Copyright © 2016 Euphony Copyrights revert to authors upon publication. Mallory VanMeeter M Amanda Wiesler Stefano Cagnato F Kevin Gislason Cynthia Zhang P Julia Friedland STAFF anaging Rosemarie Ho Sarah Tarabey Adom Hartell Kayla Boling Adrian Trust iction Char Daston Ashley Tran Miles White oetry Meera Joshi Erin Hart D C S esign over taff E E E ditor ditor ditor

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he dies,dissolved. his nostrilsas blood outof of thebrain, the finalstate down itgoes; and mendedbut that are cut here andthere like this,diseases world willleave; I fearthe of decline,sometimes so manyyears The grieflowfor 30 drying yourteeth. lungs andquickly you, pressing your move everythingabout or windsthat see from here; too smallto they moveis see becauseall winds youcan’t with speedyclouds; the sunblanketed over seacove,fields, the windparade—going blue skiesand 29 this newsewn. her toenjoy in otherform, give itback I fleetryto worn solong; it tome, she regrets giving flowered cotton and I cutthe the knownscent; pictures butwithout remember andin her clothesI dresses, my mother’s 28 CLIP OFTIME(EXCERPT) N eele D ellschaft

9 NEELE DELLSCHAFT he had become. And his eyes opened all thewaytosee everything that blue ashtrays. crystal of set the table that of top on and motor car antique polished the giant piece of obsidian. And to my righta pane of frosted glass covering he musthaveseentomyleftthe sculpture oftheseashellcarvedouta rooms. always had. And And theclosed doors of Mariana’s and Iker’s the find to head his city lightsshiningonhisbackthrough the livingroom windows as they turned he And well. so knew he that rooms dark covered withtheoilpaintingsofcolorfulOaxacanwomenandmenin the wallsbehindmewereI knewbecausehewasslowlyseeingthat and Mamiwasscreaming aboutthematch. harderAnd Ismiledtomakeit forhimtodoso.Butwewere notalone without thethingshe’d made there wasnothingforhimtoburnbutme. Wewere space. empty because an then in be to place best the was it And before.lived ever I’d place any werein we not so built, had he place any the ceiling he’d made higher so we could have more light. We were not in under we were Nor of. proud so been he’d countertops granite fly-wing thebrass with the apartment nautical in mirrors. We were nowhere near the white kitchen with the not black were We floors. tiled gray the on forget thefeelingbybecomingtwiceasbadandhe’dlightmatch. feel badforasecondthatonlyIwouldknowaboutandthenhe’dtryto cold becausethenhe’dknowdonesomethingbad. And thenhe’d down. back heels my set realizedI I had, when I but tiptoes, my on stood I wet. to seeme.Ismiled too. Heputthegascandown. My socks were getting didn’t lookatthepuddlesaround us.Hesmiled because hewassurprised up likeaballoffire. lit arrow boat first the arrowthe hit, one When got in. each they end, the shot three arrows atthewaterandtheywentoutwithatssssssss. Butin Iker and Mariana before. arrow an shot never I’ve but go, to wanted he Mami saidhisnameagainand thistimeitreminded himofwhat too. back, was he And apartment. the in back was I soon And And shesaidhisname. “Don’t youdare lightthatmatch!” So I just looked up athim and for a minute we were not standing And I did and I didn’t take my socks off even though they were “Come here, I gasoline. special with filled can the at look didn’t I froze. He “Hi Papi.” I’m notsure ifI’llmissmymark.Papialwayssaidthisishow A mi amor ndra FIRE BALL ,” hesaid. E milia F enton

10 ANDRA EMILIA FENTON made alittleflame. And hepressed thematchheadagainstbrown track and a builder’s. had come from hishandsandhelookedatthemtheywere rough like one more MexicoCitylight. like night the into highway, bursting elevated an of side the off car fast the most. liked he car the fill to used he one the too, can gas the was it realized I just thematchthatIneededto watchoutforandthenthecigarettes and maybe he’dnevertakenthemoff. wallet were goneso he musthavestrappedthemtohisbeltalready or but hedidn’tanswerbecausewasn’tthere. Hismeasuringtapeand make French toast knowing he’d say yes because we liked butter so much kitchen where hewas. light anotherheopenedthematchbookanditwasempty. should haveknownhecoulddosuchthings. I again, then But werewordsforbidden. that in spoke he as lip lower his fromdangling thesideofhismouth.Itmovedupanddownheldonlyby another andatsomepointIlosttrackofwhere theyallwere. hallway andtheredown the one cigaretteHe lit wastoomuchofit. after went wet the But gasoline. with wet was floor the where rags grey with through thecolorfulpaint. And Isweptwhere itwasdryandpickedup smash. And thesculpture intoblackpiecesoftheseaandranhisnails floor butnotonitandsaid.“ blue shards. the cigarette inside it againstthewhite concrete walland it shattered into cigarette againsttheedge. ashtrays andgaveittohimhesaid“thankyou”tappedhis arms andwelaughedtogether.ballet blue one ofthe And Ipickedup my socksasIcouldandhefoundmovementsamusingsoadded and pulledoutared andwhitepacklitacigarette withthematch. of waterasiftosay“it’sok”andheputhislefthandinbreast pocket eyes black my with smiled I But fire. of man the wake further to scared And I knew without being told that while I slept he flew in the in flew he slept I while that told being without knew I And Then I thought I should have taken the keys but I thought it was morning I ran tohisroomAnd inthe toaskhimifwecould “Yes, I’monmyway, “Are yougoingtobednow, Papi?” And I wenttomybedroom to sleepandcalledbackthe He stoppedandthere wasnofire. to tried he when and out went finally cigarette the then And one the though, him with stayed that cigarette one was There But heturnedalltheashtraysintobluedust smash smash the of part shiny the near was which cigarette, the up picked I And his eyesbecame big againand he threw theashtraywith And thenMamisaidsomething. with gasoline much as absorb aroundto ice-skated trying I him I didn’tmakeasoundbecausewas to crybut And Mamibegan No pasanada mi amor .” , Papi.”

11 ANDRA EMILIA FENTON always said he wanted, but I didn’t practice and the bow is too heavy too and the string is cutting is my fingers when I pull at it and Ibow just can’t make the and practice didn’t I but wanted, he said always the shore as the fire grows. And I smile a saltwater smile and wave in wave their direction butIdon’tknowiftheycanseeme. and smile saltwater a smile I And grows. fire the as shore the arrow intoitovertheedge.Ihearvoices of mysiblingscheeringfrom flaming my throw I so climb to me for high too is side the But boat. the reach I until stop don’t I fire. the toward me push they and feet and legs burning arrow inmyfree handheldhighabovethewet. And Ikickmy my fire arrow fly. AndIstarttocrybutMarianaandIkerencourageme. n I u it te ae ad wm ih he lms The limbs. three with swim and water the into run I And “ he funeral the him give to want I and away floating is boat The Tu puedes ,” theysayandoneofthemrubs myback.

12 ANDRA EMILIA FENTON behind alivetree. who squats,pisses guard Tamara, theyoungest at thefleamarket we standlikesentries two, three jews alive for thepriceofone she isajewhagglesthree think abouthow she swearsdoesn’tever into hersuitcase piles ofshoes how shewillfit scuffed boots can’t stopbuying my sisterTamara locks lovedabargain whose locksside- not jewswhoselocks already luckytheyare to thenewlyweds for goodluck padlocked tothebridge on aboutthelocks the guidecarries carry onand the favoryoumust as thedeadcannotreturn the guidesaid there are nevertoomany the deadjew to cover that needsyoustill licked saltyskin you have with thebody over thebridgeyou’llgo jew inyourarms the dead alive orthey’lltaxyoutowalk don’t be jew they’ll thinkyou’re alive don’t haggle— SHOPPER'S GUIDETO THE VILNIUS FLEA MARKET D oris F erlgr

13 DORIS FERLEGER could think had of to go in the Southern colonies was who Natal, a I thousand miles Betsy,place furthest of the and answer, face the recovery.was Travel solicitous to me nursed the even view, the home, my with mustard bath. a in wedged feet my weeks, tedious three for veranda the on ordered to rest, and, incapable of insurrection, I did. Wrapped in blankets was I to. succumb might I what knows manner,heaven unseemly usual his thistly brows, assured me that should I continue to beneath push myself his in my from look dark very a me Gray,throwing Doctor although pneumonia, not was it Luckily chest. my against stethoscope his press truly sick. My head pounded and I was barely abletositupfor him to me for call not you did sooner?” earth on “Why him. summon Betsy had and above-mentioned, The cough. a with me serendipitous coughthatledmeto infect Alice. to proceeded and invisible lawn frozen the the universeconspired paint, to unitemewith oneofvanLeeuwenhoek’s to trees, out willow the under went somewhere And boots. I my beneath splintering sight, rare this by excited and a into gloom offadedfynbos,pewtersky. sank world the and vanished, clarity, atmospheric and latitude of miracle a light, summer transcendental The bottle. hot-water my by damp sheets, my feet searching like moles for the puddle of warmth cast of bed a into scuttled I night each and peninsula, Cape the over roared gales Atlantic South nonetheless. cruel beauty—but fairy-tale into Park streets the where Twickenham, in turned into slicks of ice, and hoarfrost child transfigured each branch in Bushy a as experienced I days dark afternoon inJuly. and hacking, caught as I sketched the bare phalanges of a willow tree one nasty be, shall it cough hers—a events—not of version my is this as And the mythic,absurd. is what that Alice believed.Ofcourseshedid. Alice wasalwaysdrawnto THE MISSIONARY'S WIFE By August my health had returned, but by then I was fed up fed was I then by but returned, had health my August By sick, fallen had I me. admonish to correct was he once For relented I when words first Gray’s Doctor were Joe!” Jove, “By summits, surrounding the on snow to started it afternoon One It was the winter of 1913. Not as freezing, of course, as the long, I, on the other hand, insisted our meeting was due to my cough. It was a Monkey’s Wedding that brought us together, or at least animalcules , a microscopic bacterium that crept into my lungs my into crept that bacterium microscopic a , S am G riev

14 SAM GRIEVE Drakensberg. away. Reckling lived there. I had not seen him in years. I would paint the him I was fit, and he continued, “For I have invited a few people around people few a invited have I “For continued, he and fit, was I him and ledmeacrossover ahorsepat leg road the tohishouse.Iassured waged. an between battle botanical a gardenEnglish country riotously indigenous specieswasbeing andthe which in plots small by fronted roads, the lined pink, yellow,and blue, pale in cool. painted houses, Victorianwas Neat air the here everything, over breath moist a like settled heat brogues keeping pace with my walking boots. Unlike Durban, where the gleaming Reckling’s Street, Church onto out stepped we united, so and “Come on then, my darling liar,” he said, hooking his arm through mine, eyes met, acknowledging our shared deceit. Reckling burst out laughing. changed abit.” and Ileaptoffthecarriageintohisarms. Pietermaritzburg andthemountains. to upland way our on chaos, the of out pulling were we porter,and the early, departing was to handed trunk my carriage, my train in installed was I it, knew beforeI and my that heard had he somehow hurry; his tore on, his bare feet thumping on the earth. Only afterward I understood “Would youmindslowingdownabit?” disemboweling asharkamidstcloudofflies. Sun fellinjaggedshards betweenfronds ofpalms.IsawaChinaman mangoes, and papaya were piled up in abundant mounds on the ground. litchis, prickled for wares, her or his selling purveyor a over ran almost dream. the IndianOceanlayinaspillofmoltensilver. Severaltimesmytransport a like felt place whole The Cardamomair,the scented curry and buildings portside the beyond and angle. alarming an at tipped cart road, the along tore man the throwing himselfintothehumidaireverytenpaces so thatthelittle as on clinging station, the to me one take hired to I and customers, for waiting stood rickshaws of line A it. in minutes myshirthadadhered tomyshouldersasthoughIhadbathed within and heat, heavy in simmered city port the already but summer, “I hope you are not too tired?” Reckling extended a patrician a extended Reckling tired?” too not are you hope “I our second briefest the for and him, told I you,” have “Neither Joe.” “Little A dampkisslandedonmyforehead. “You havenot me, at cane his waved He station. the at waiting was Reckling He yelledsomethinginZuluthatIfailedtocomprehend and shoulder. the on driver my tapped I nauseated, point, one At I disembarked in Durbanonthe2nd of October. Itwas not yet * *

15 SAM GRIEVE reverend andhiswife? And theWatsons, whomofcourseyouknow.”Scottish The before? them of you to written have I believe I dinner. for to drift up from the garden, Reckling’s laughter rising above the hum. I hum. the above rising laughter Reckling’s garden, the from up drift to began voices toilette, my completed I As them. trimmed and scrubbed I so charcoal, with filthy were they attention; needed nails collar.My my my owned, I jewelry of piece locket—forcourage—although itwascompletelyobscured by mother’s single the hung I neck my around and arranged as best I could, flattening down the flyaway strands with water, my suitfrom where I had shoved it beneathmy sketchbook.MyhairI eased, thenfaded.Myhappiness,yousee,isneverunadulterated. eyes my plagued that pricking the and breeze, the in ballooned curtains the about me, Beside myself. recollected something and bed the muttering on down thereafter,lay I pudding. soon me left he for emotions, Reckling couldshowmemyroom. Perhaps hesensed the scaleofmy “Bloody stuckinmyway.” the ectoplasmofimportedghosts. through hand a curled I air. the filled paperwhites of scent The secrets. course—who, youthful my of of recipient the head, been had his eyes, marmoreal blank, Julius—just his with old and age, with faded now jerkin silk monkey,eau-de-Nil clockwork his the was There unchanged. smiles etched frames, their from me it greeted willing Viola child, and a Rosalind fly. as to on cross-legged my sat had Beneath I rug here. Persian the re-placed lay and feet Chelsea from transported been had the dimhall. ahead of me up the front stairs, flung open the door, and ushered me into Reckling snapped offpassed, a bloomhe and tuckedas it intoand his buttonhole.fence, Then hea scrambled over tumbled alba Rosa ironwork. It house. his lacy at with trimmed porches deep interestand roof metal green a with with large, was up looked I and present, the to back me the beds ofroses. amongst intoxicated collapsing London of bohemian the lanterns, the higherclasses. Onsummer nights hisgarden blazedwithChinese with waltz to in invited beggars angelic-faced dispensed, favors made, were Favorites head. his on crown tinsel chair,a deck his on good, was Night after night, Reckling had held court, enthroned, when the weather Street.Lawrence on respite no was there for him, sharing to accustomed had lived with him whilst I studied at the Slade, and in that time become back, years and he had never remarried, filling his life instead with endlessforty parties. I wedding their after shortly malaria of died had wife myself—but alas it was to beexpected. Reckling adored entertaining. His I wasnotentirelythis—I wantedRecklingto pleasedabout After awhileIgotup.Mytrunk hadarrived andIunpacked so upstairs straight went we o’clock, six nearly was it As “Not altered a thing.” Reckling’s voice was cautious behind me. My breathstalled. Dearest Reckling!Everypieceoffurniture brought palm Reckling’s beneath gate front the of squeal The

16 SAM GRIEVE have discovered, tend to like me, once they have accustomed themselves caught thechimeofglassclinking,exultantfizzsodabottle. Lanarkshire tongue. “WeLanarkshiretongue. very was voice areHis gatheredhere today…” We up. himself bowed ourheads.Iclaspedmy handsinfront ofme. drawing already was Dow Rev. question. rhetorical a scent intotheair. Mr. Watsonbewitching hesitated,thenheldmychairforme. its cast blooms, with tight center, the in bowl rose silver.A Reckling’s of weight the under creaked table mahogany the and garden, but compliant, a pony.blind roomThe the over out looked windows beautiful—long lead was might one as inside Dow Mrs. leading Reckling continuous the onslaught ofthewaveshadthoroughly beatenherdown. though as bowed, head her thrush, a like dun-colored there,and stood small simply reverend’s she the wife, for little as boring primitive, and vigorously, head to her a Reckling nodding was Watson and power, Mrs. Watson boys. extraordinary both stagestruck reduced an had that him strength charismatic in recognized I matter, duty our with to spirituallyenlightenthenatives.Despitemyantipathy to his subject part, most the for concerned, was which speech, the of surrounded byidiots? himself thought he possible it was brogue?Or his understand not might apointed we think he with Did attention. spoke my caught He which enunciation, off. of deliberacy left had he where up Reckling. picked beside Dow Rev. in sidled I mid-sermon. in transpired, it been interrupted, had who reverend, the to back turned guests the dissipated, had arrival my by caused agitation the once and too, one accepted I squash. orange at sipping wererelief, my to noticed I wife, his reverendand the every femininequality, barthatofconversation. with blessed been had she that discovered I Watson,which Mrs. during forced tospendaneveningintheparlorofMountNelsonHotelwith was I penny,transaction, every the worth after well for was retrospectit one ofmypictures lastyearforthelargest sumIhadeverreceived. In bought had they as did, I course of which them, remembered I if asked and askew.hand Mr.slightly my Watson nose, pumped her of was face her of received I impression only the so feet, my between interest great of something at stared who dress gray a in creature slight a wife, his to his enormouspalmsoftanddry—likeapowderymarshmallow. Ibowed untamed. I extended my hand toward him, and after a moment he sat at odds with his black suit and gave him the semblance of something shook it, that hair white of shock a with tall, foot six over well was reverend The direction. my in unison in turned group small The lawn. the to led that to myoddities.Imadewaydownstairsandopenedthedoubledoor Despite my solitary profession, I like people, and most people, I “Oh Lord,” the reverend began, running the R long across his across long R the running began, reverend the Lord,” “Oh was It Grace?” say to you upon prevail we Might “Reverend? At seven, the bell rang, and we all trooped into the dining room, content the to listening really not him, watch to continued I Reckling and the Watsons were drinking whiskey and soda, but

17 SAM GRIEVE “…in thisgodlyhouse…” strident. I could not helpbutnotice how his vowels jarred my tympanum. with sugar cane wavering down the road, the reverend’s sonorous voice, the feelof sea, the of Reckling’s frail back beneath my hands, a wagon piled dangerously high the scent head: my filled thoughts Random me. me Reckling’shouserockedsurgedswell that lingering on the within Beneath touch. the to extravagant sheets the soft, was bed My upstairs. Reckling, and eleven chimed way my made and night good him kissed I feet. his creakedto obedient, clock The gaze. blue brazen that so did ten after years ofmarriage!” feat extraordinary an is Joe, dear my that, and wife, his Even something abouthim.Kingly. Domineering.Hehasusallunderhisspell. rather righteous.” that he, isn’t Scot?” something, Quite puritans. those then, them with on get delicately Karoo, the in sketched withbushmanpaintings. discovered rock of pieces and crystals, hewn rough- skulls, bird fossils, collections: Reckling’s over shivered threw it me into the drawing room. A gas lamp whispered in its bulb, and the light at usthrough fivedeliciousbutexcruciatingly longcourses. she remained submissiveatherhusband’ssideashepreached androared trick againstbark,sheturnedoncemore intoMrs.Dow. disappearing its performing moth a like and droppedchin, she her shut, I spotted someirregularinside awidemouth;thenhereyessnapped teeth and grinned, She collided. glances our second a For eyes. blue basalt of pair a with me at back right staring was shock my to who wife, little reverend’s the toward volition, own my than momentum Newton’s by abominable of look a propelledon, moved glance moreMy stretchedface. piety bony his over with frozen was Reckling while along, nodded husband Her asleep. be to seemed and shut eyes her had Watson Mrs. glow.a with curtains tourmaline the infusing room, the in tumbled sun I opened my eyes and flicked them quickly around the table. The western lamb Icouldsmellbeingroasted inthekitchen? And applecake? then I would be free to partake of his culinary hospitality. For wasn’t that all. and language And the massacreof Grace, through this it make could I him, For bores? and bullies were acquaintances new his that matter it ached. In a week I would leave, and Reckling was my dearest friend. Did I bowed my head further and squeezed my lids until my eyes my until lids my squeezed and further head my bowed I sie a hm hog te hdeig ih, ealn a I as recalling light, shuddering the through him at smiled I is there “Yes,yes, drink. his of sip long a took Reckling “Ha!” seem did “He it. swat to down bent I ankle. my Abit mosquito would you abstainer.Imagined an were you forgot I yes, “Ah, I satdown,shookmyheadattheproffered malt. led and left they as me to turned Reckling man.” “Fascinating night the of rest the for so, think to began I it? imagined I Had “And as Jesus taught us…” Heavens above, it was not yet over!

18 SAM GRIEVE the palelineofherpart,dividingmousyhair. and finally, as sleep came over me, a lingering image of Mrs. Dow’s head, wearing ablack dress withawhitelacecollarthat couldpossiblyhave hanging downandcurvedat the bottom—likeamusicalnote. I evenspottedamonkeyatone point,sittinginapeachtree, hislongtail blue and dissolving to a lavender mist sky in the day,the east. vital Birds darted glorious, across a our path, was and It ached. knees his for cane, ivory-topped an using Reckling blocks, two the walked We hats. town Reckling’s of one beneath it fitting could, I best as hair my neatened and offsuit my brushed I baritone. thunderous his in masses the berating be would reverend mighty the where Kirk, to church, to just church—not father failedtobe. I suspectwas the child he neverhad. He was certainly thefather my other.each loved truly we us, separated that years thirty the despite for trowel while digging amongst my the lilacs? with I had given overturned them all I to Reckling, face Roman pottery tiny The Brook? Beverley of folded in death, and weightless in my hand? The carved flint I fished out wings its him, the for off ground up picked had I butterfly that have still nascent artist’seyespottingtreasures thathemighttake home.Didhe fondness of our walks across the wilds of London so many years ago, my dying forastalactiteshouldIventure intoanycaves. easily beremoved andbrought backtohistreasure trove. And hewas could that paintings San any and collection, his for Insects fossils. And particularly for him. I was to look out for gold of course, in the riverbeds. be, might trip my advantageous how to turned thoughts frequently),his be found again.” never and ravine a into fall even might you Why,traveler. lonely a of advantage take might who People danger.Wildanimals. of there out “I couldneverlivewithmyselfifyouwere harmed. And there issomuch horsefly. have tobereliant onmygun,supplies,andsomeforaging. would I mountains the into once but bread, and milk, eggs, buy could I plums from Reckling’s garden. On my journey, I would of pass bags farms whereseveral to myself helped I Watsonand tin, a Mrs. in fruitcake a milk. over brought condensed and tea, porridge, biltong, and biscuits dried paste, anchovy and vegetables sardines, and beef of orderedtins I grocers the gallery.From town the in sale for hung be to Reckling with left camping I pictures completed my Seven wagon. and the Town,into loaded Cape was equipment from trunks my repacked I house. the wagon wasdelivered from alocalfarmandleftunhitchedinfront of The next week was filled with preparation for the trip. An ox- An trip. the for preparation with filled was week next The I didnotseeMrs.Dowuntil theendofservice.Shewas to go we insisted he departure, my before Sunday the On with thinking him, assured I Reckling,” dear course, “Of more honest, entirely be to am I if (and times other At “I do worry about you, my dear,” he said more often than once. a like hovered, Reckling preparation, fevered this Throughout

19 SAM GRIEVE nw se a a iig oa, wud ae rsmd e a most a her presumed have would I woman, living a was I not she had known and floor, the on fixed eyes her shut, sealed was mouth Her invisible. practically was she still, so sat she century,and last cut been mountains hadmelted,andthe rivershadreverted tostreams again. farms informed usthatthesnowcovered theupperreaches ofthe to noavail.Thepaintinghad vanished. was gone. Icircled thetree three timesandevencheckedthe oaksnearbybut landscape the but babies, The the and foot. there, malformed still were his kittens to horrible turned had thoughts his that now slower Reckling, Imustshowyousomething.” a fatigued-lookingmanwithdetaileddescriptionofhisbunion. my way through the throng. Reckling was leaning on his cane, providing exceeded me significantly in height, so it took me several minutes to force ladies swarmed around of meontheirwaytothecakejudging.Manyofthem flock a when Reckling, alert to turned and bark the against it laid I sight? of away,out hidden thus was and Or sold been alreadysale? it had for picture the Was reverse. the on nor bottom, the at neither had not done this myself. I I picked up the jealousy,canvas. that There was a no signature, perhaps or anguish, of undercurrent an with through run workmanship, beauty,the the at thrill a emotion: shameful that of surge a new.felt modern, I was conception, entire the perception, depth colors had been rather roughly laid on, but each one was unique, and the The achieved. ever had I doubted I that mastery and confidence a with had alook. edge ofacanvasprotruding from behindthetree. Islippedaround and and feverish. I was about to head back toRecklingwhenI noticed the bloated looked who children matter,kittens, frolickingsubject and style tree and I ambled over. As I predicted they were extremely amateurish, in wax papertwist of fudge. A few paintings stood against thetrunk of a small a buying eventually scones, of plates the wares, knitted the cakes, a garden the the perused I trees. In the beneath up set been beer.had stands fund-raising few ginger homemade and tea, of pots sandwiches, cucumber and paste anchovy some out, laid were refreshments where who wasglowingasthoughhehadjustwatchedhisfavoriteopera. Reckling, to commented I Hell,” in place busy awfully an be to “Going damned. all were we that surmised I but said, had he what of portion a my ears rang from the reverend’s imprecations. I had only listened to lifelike waxwork. “Go the day after tomorrow,” Reckling urged me. “Or even next Two days later I was ready to depart. Reports from neighboring even Reckling lawn, the across tediously way our made We “but, said, I interrupt,” to hate “I sleeve. jacket his on tugged I done but landscape a was It extraordinary. was painting The Hall, Church the to throng the through way our weaved We “And sodevastatingthatmanwon’tbethere tochideus!” light, blinding the into out worshippers the followed we As

20 SAM GRIEVE and curious visitors stopping by to meet me, had begun to pall. Even pall. to begun had me, meet to by stopping visitors curious and week. There isnoreason torush.” mottled skinIsawthedelineationofhisbones.Recklingwas old. his through and sketch, Dürer a of frailty the possessed hands His gone. ensured Ihadalife. introducedhad who Town.Africa, Cape in friends my to me South had who Reckling, to ticket the me sent had who London, in studies my for touchstone, who had always stood up for me to my father, who had paid until thatonepeculiarmomentwhenshetruly hadseenme. me, at look to cared not had Dow. alone Mrs. she to how back To flitted mind my free.then was And I bush, the in there out But watched. being country,this to was come I had that I felt since had Ever I untrammeled. alone, be to wanted so had I song. cricket with pulsed darkness velvet gun, yourstrength, youare perfect.” your courage, your You,wife? planning, his your with with trust Joe, he could else whom her,and take to time no has reverend The mountains. eyes andlaidhisheaddown. The his veinedhandsover his sentence diedinhismouth.Heplacedboth if…” what if, What there. out alone you of thinking night at sleep cannot I dear. my you, about worry I remote. so vast, mountains, so are those Joe—they And health. your about concerned am I illness your requested thatMrs.Dowaccompanyyouonyourtrip.” something Imustspeakoftoyou.” is there leave you before But have. you as long as me humoring kind, so and clasped my hands in his. “I am a selfish old man, Joe. You have been fog descended over my dear friend’s features; then he leaned forward morning. following the leave would I Athat announced I once, for alone sky, besilent. I longedtobealoneunderthe Reckling’s companywasbecomingtiring. But I could stay no longer. The town, with its constant socializing “Of courseIwilltakeher,” Itoldhimgently. vitality all table, the at sitting still was He him. at glanced I my Reckling, anything? Reckling refuse I could how And the Outside, open. were windows The heavily. exhaled I “Yes.” His voice was muffled. “She has always wanted to see the “Does shewanttocomewithme?” “Joe, Joe,” he said, pulling me down. “Please do consider it! After “What!” Itriedtostandup,butRecklingwasstillholdingme. “has red, rather turning continued, Reckling reverend,” “The His tonewasunusuallygrave.Ilookedathimwithconcern. That evening as Reckling and I sat in the dining room, peacefully *

21 SAM GRIEVE though all the wealthof Kimberley had fallen from the heavens. Mud as sparkled grass of blade each for rained, recently had it and hills, the Wedding. When itrainswhilstthesunisshining.” back were those strong blueeyesfrom thedinnerparty. the wagon. into carelessly tossed astonishment, my to then, and unpinned was hat something upinsideher.wake Pale arms emerged from beneaththebrim; the to seemed this The and above. hat, Dow’s sky Mrs. blue on landed inevitably, the water, from came that drops spattering more, once long flickeroverthebacksofoxen. We were onourway. as I supposed she might be weeping, I picked up the whip and cast it in a and I had to lean slightly to one side to avoid it. Still she said nothing, and Dow’s hat was enormous. It obscured her face and took up so much room, was closedshut. door the and inside stepped already had reverend the head, my lifted I through that recitation, binding us together? I will never know, for when I willfearnoevil:Forthouartwithme.” softly from aboveIheard theancientwords: obvious hesitation he placed his enormous hand on my bare head and with Then, good-byes.” our said already have I and her.wife upon “My houseboys the of one lifted herupontothebench. where wagon, the to way her made and turned she ear.Then each in her,whispering to close them drew and mud, the against her dress, her belly. She crouched down to their level, her hem in and tore over to her. They wrapped her in their arms, pressing their heads game childrentheir the stopped until face, her obscuring hat straw huge a with coat, traveling her in crow black a there, stood She orchard. the craning myneckasitwasloadedintowagon. I was busy so Dow,Rev. with hands shook barely entirely.I me failed my to greatmanners my that it spy to shocked so was I easel. an astonishment, and, trunk large a carrying were who houseboys, two and wife brandishing pistols. All fourvanishedintotheorchard. boys, little two and cry, war feathers in their hair, Indian darted an around the house pursued of by two other ululation boys the with I met house, was the approached we As earth. filled the were of lungs smell my perspiring the and with socks, red in oxen the of hooves the coated I drove intothefarmstead just afterlunch. A misthungon Ti! Se etcltd oad h sy “hs s Monkey’s a is “This sky. the toward gesticulated She “This!” gone; was chin downcast her.The at look to turned I “What?” “It’s aMonkey’sWedding!” announcedMrs.Dow. rain to began it house, the behind ridge the over passed we As I walkeddowntothewagonandclambered uptomyseat.Mrs. he, was Or come? to was what of inclination an have he Did “Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, fixed eyes his reverend, the said leave,” to time is it think “I of edge the to walked Dow Mrs. me, acknowledging Without The door opened and the reverend stepped out, followed by his

22 SAM GRIEVE of fireflies. Orhummingbirds.” magical. The insertion of the absurd into the everyday. Like the existence on IshedMrs.Dow. Iam Alice.” minute Allerley,And wilderness. this fromthe in alone women, terrible ridiculous from asun-bright sky. plumed offtheoxen’sbacks. Steam sea. the of waters parting the Moses, of mind my crossed image are abitlikethat,Joe,aren’t you?Somethingmagical?Orabsurd.” she had been torpid, clay-like, she now brimmed with a terrifying energy. before Where fingers. her splayed and her of front in out arms her both extended now Dow Mrs. desire. so I should oxen, my turn to length its along narrow too mist, the into disappeared then rise, a ascended track through?mordantgone this had was she change gravel the us, of Ahead Her hand unfurled, drops ricocheted off her palm. “I find it “I palm. her off ricocheted drops unfurled, hand Her “Allerley, we are on an adventure, ” declared Mrs. Dow.“TwoMrs. declared ” adventure, an on are“Allerley, we Did shemockme? “Allerley,” sherepeated, tryingitoutforsizeinhermouth. tumbling baubles “My parents calledme Allerley, shimmering Mrs.Dow,” Isaid. great pouring, still was It “What isyourreal name?” An moving. lips her sensed I again; out stretched arms White I shrugged. “IhavealwaysbeenwhoIam,”answered. She turned hergazeonto me and I felt my cheeks redden. “You What shy. suddenly road, the on eyes my keeping nodded, I

23 SAM GRIEVE he wouldhave i shouldhavedammedmystream ofconsciousness later ascotchtimesfiveatmy exfiance’sgraduationparty where thebellydancershelped reaffirm myheterosexuality my recognition cameasalone toast inthecornerboothof Aris scanning themassofcrinkledfacesinauditoriumvain i donnedtwentythree dollarsofcharcoal polyesterandagoldstar griponthefirstmorningsofspring taken slowlylikewinter’s soon aftermyexceptionsurfacedrippledandcarbonated haunted inexpectationideclined suggestive alienverseposingachatovercoffeeormerlot six dayslaterireceived anacceptanceletterforapoem ineverwrote but quicklytooktonappingthrough themorningclasses he scannedhisfavoritesubscriptionlistformyname it hadbeentwoyearssincewedisagreed aboutMarkDoty i addressed athree lineemailtohimentitledexception & theuniversitycouldtapnomore moneyfrom me the semestersranfullproduction untilthedayidied & sowelearnedstagnationofmind somehow thetwowere connected twentysevenyearoldmistress with hisgrandfather’s & howhestretched tobaccoinadouble-roofed barn he taughtusofnorthcarolina innineteenfiftytwo oaken smokedetectorssplitandsizzledtodeath the pennsylvanniadutchelopedfrom theirburninghouses twenty lashesforallwords underthree syllables from himwelearnedthefire andbrimstoneofhighliterature A POEMINEVERWROTE Z achary M.H odson

24 ZACHARY M. HODSON always the bride of stretching and paint. The prairie dog is her groom her is dog prairie The paint. and stretching of bride is the always summer kissing bride The forks. little tiny with Sundays grand and feed thempotatoesandcorn not punishthemfortheirimpatience but of deal shall sky,which the great with room large a a in live requireshall They leaping. pretty and strong are legs Their workers. farm good The foxishergroomchildren andtheir frogs, shallbelittle whoare very manner: The bride kissing winter is always the bride of ashes and beans. baton isnolongerevennoticed. once aculturalexportofthetownandisnowsource ofoil.Histiny was He meaning. of alteration this of example good WelkLawrencea is some of them infamous, have been gathered in the great cities of Europe. is kinds, many of which performances as just hall, Dickinson, in here cellar town the called been the as now known have appearances recordings the such beneath gathered, where center, town the who in people gathered the for the only of intended meaning originally was the which alters performance, however, Recording, recorded. been has it exaggerations. You havetoperformits implications. something to the textof an invention to get itto release its delightful that are notcontainedwithinreading. Sometimes you havetodo cellar. Millions have visited this cellar to find clues to the transformations transformation. end of the day, the author is very popular indeed. Reading is a search for must changetoexclamations ofjoyorsorrowif thelaughter but bythe simply issue proclamations. It remains popular for them to be laughed at, If younoticesomeordinary thing,it’s nolongerordinary. this. by day.surprised other being every of Wetireddoes get it never as happens, nothing that is reallyunexpected that’s all if even happen, will weather willbejust as it was destined to beor that somethingunexpected move them tothestones. and cracks the find to tree a for look only need you stones, with something build to want you if and moss, of pillow thin very a beneath as far as basement the only basements are is known in these mountains, where It rock sleeps comfortably basement. no has it but foothills, the of foot the city,at the beneath is cellar The Dickinson. in here cellar the One proclamation stored in the cellar states, in a lyric singsong lyric a in states, cellar the in storedproclamation One A performance can be said to existoutside its owntime if The great musicians of Dickinson, however, have built their own The great authors of Dickinson have never been published. They Proclamations are issued daily. Sometimes they proclaim that the called is which hall, town the in held is centuries of chatter The CIVIC PRIDE R ich I ves

25 RICH IVES in Norwegian, however and translated by a scholar who could not sing. not could who scholar a by translated and however Norwegian, in proliferate.proclamationto composed This allowed was be not shall but and theirchildren shallbelocustswhoalwaysgetthebestpartofcrop not whatweare lookingfor. which but continue, to need we what find will Therewe too. been, city your it makes have we where only is it if even go, to someplace is there believe must we and itself, inside around travels city the how imagine am not alone. That’s why we fasten the muscles to the bones, but we must I this. doing am that I is it when “we” say we why That’s them. describe we why That’s muscles. have we why That’s you. without city my not is city the but I, or you for wait not does down, slow not however,does city,The down. you slow must I so you, with up keep cannot I shifting. them but only yourself, and you are real and simultaneous but constantly city. Noonelivesinthiscityonlybecauseyouare notreally here tosee to swim. sung annually at harvest time, when it is traditional to teach the children the original proclamation seems to have been stolen. The proclamation is rudders andtelescopes.Nooneknowshowaccuratethetranslationisas of inventor Dutch a was he that known is it but lost, been has name His h bns ht od y rain oehr om theoretical a form together creation my hold that bones The CONSTRUCTION

26 RICH IVES and that was why they couldn’t go in there. They were supposed to stay to werethere.supposed They in go couldn’t they why was that and woods, the in disappear to easy was It too. disappeared, he but horse, a he haddisappeared thesameway. she hadseen And onceshethought and once, pond the from drinking deer a seen had She woods. the into been wearing his heavy brown coat, so now Ollie bet he had stepped back were big, and everything was brown and gray, and their grandfather had poking theground lookingformoles.“Where did hego?” was nowhere in sight. Nina turned to her, a stick in hand—they had been woods, andbecareful oftheNokken.” the and pond, finger, from the a away pointing stay and must over “you come in—I give you candy. You must just do one thing,” she said, leaning do not tellyourmother or father. It will be our secret. And when you you this “and gloves, and hats and scarves and boots in them dressing said, had air,”she fresh some “Youget in. stay to them outside, for nice go too to and her for cold too was it said Helga but alone, yard the in out and make sure they were still there: they weren’t supposed to be out she willnotgetfat.” had brought their mother. “She told me to eat them,” Bunny Helga said, “so Easter that the chocolates the eating busy was she today and Easter, day.and Ninaduringthe them nowandwatchedOllie Ithadjustbeen came from ablackforest inaplacecalledGermanyandshelivedwith babysitting. though—both he andtheirmotherwere atwork—andHelgatheaupairwasinside now home wasn’t father Their splash. the a into making back water, and out jumped he him, caught they as soon catch as did but They one, net. green and pink a with frogs catch and down try them to brought there had father their spring last time one was and bet swan, she a that once there on bird another seen had Ollie and geese, with them. Sometimes there were ducks on the pond, and sometime loud hill, and they weren’t supposed to the go of down bottom there the unless at yard, they their had below an was adult pond The gone. was he then and there, was he then And move. not did they but beckoned, then and them, to waved He pond. the of side far the on woods the of edge the at “Papa!” None of the trees had leaves back on them yet, but the woods the but yet, them on back leaves had trees the of None “I don’tknow,” Olliesaid. Now Ollie scanned the far edge of the pond, but their grandfather Ollie saw her come to thewindow every once in a while to look Helga was tall and round and pulled her hair back tight, and she standing Ollie, before second a just first, man old the saw Nina THE NOKKEN S ean M c C arthy

27 SEAN MCCARTHY Nina alwayswantedtogolookdownatthepond.lovedanimals. but castle, gray plastic and playhouse, green the and set, swing the by miss you.Idon’tliketobeaway from youguys.” the rest place?” at were you thought “I tight. them hugging liked, she people squeezing of timesyouwouldseetrayswitheatenfoodontheminthe halls. usually,lot smell a funny and a had place rest The Pope. the called man old an and God, and Jesus, of pictures passing hall long a down walk to had you then candy,and of piece a you give would she sometimes and them away.” to havecompany.” your age.It’s good for youtobearound people yourage.Goodforyou and hewasalwaystellingthemso. candy,butterscotch of bags him bought mother their when even though, supposed those people were resting. Their Papa didn’t like it there much she so shoulders, their on over tilted heads their with wheelchairs their down thehallwithoutanyclotheson.Butsome of themjustsatin hurrying once one saw Ollie and screaming, or crying, either were them while, becausetheirmotherhadsenthimtoabigbuildingrest. a either,for anymore not house his in live didn’t He old. was Papa their said everyone because them with live to come had Helga and anymore, there over going weren’t they now but work, to had father and mother their both whenever time long long, a for day the during house his over baseball hat, and he had a gray mustache. Ollie and Nina had been going walk withacane.Buthewas kind of bald whenhedidn’t wear his grandmother—andhedidn’t and allhunchedover—liketheirfather’s looked down. up. Nina hugged him tighter, and the old man kissed her cheek. Then he her picked Papa Their tight. him hugging and legs, the by man old the Now theyturnedandtheoldmanwassuddenlybehindthem. I a tre Bt gold ely od ad sae them scared I and loud, really growled I But three. saw “I “And didyouseeanybears?” Ninaasked. “Yes,” hesaid,“through thewoods.Ilike the woods.” “Through thewoods?”Ninaasked. “It needsatuneup,soIdecided towalk.” “Where’s your car?” Ollie asked, looking towards the driveway. I visit. come I’d thought just “I said. he there,” still I’m "Oh, always was Nina again. neck his squeezed Nina “Papa.” The rest place had a nun sitting at the desk when you walked in, took you “And once. say him heard Ollie company,” had “I people for “it’s say, would mother their nitwits,” for not “It’s “This placeisfornitwits,”hewouldwhispertoOllieandNina. of some and though, place that in rest didn’t people of lot A crooked wasn’t he old; that wasn’t he but old, was Papa Their Ollie wentoverandhepickedherup,too. “Hello, Ollie,”hesaid. "Papa,” Nina said again. She dropped the stick and ran, grabbing

28 SEAN MCCARTHY wild animals.” away.” walked on with their father when he took them looking for rabbits. Their sometimes Nina and Ollie that path a was There hide. to places of lot a woods. thereand wereinside, woods got the And you wereonce bigger the that said the in anywhere be had could water,they the but near usually Helga were Nokken Forest. Black the in home old her from them of theoldmenshehadseenthere. in trouble, and they might strap him to the bed in his new home like some get in trouble for leaving the yard, but she was worried that he might get worried, but not too worried, because if they were with him, they couldn’t to acommercial. pointing at each other. Angry faces, yelling, and then the T.V.T.V.the on People show werefaded Snoring. couch. the on was Helga and on, was house then?” mean. And thewateristoocold.” Jump one. catch right inthewaterafterthem.” and try could “We breath. deep a took He smiling. head inthewater, shookhisneck. up above them, and then three ducks landed on the pond. One stuck his any house out there, and she wondered if he was fooling. There was noise there alittlewhile.Buildnicefire.” fast.” your Mommy.” worry to want wouldn’t I here. out okay,”stay “That’s better “I said. he be warm.” looking up. “We can ask Helga to make you some cocoa. And then you’ll window. Still nosignofHelga.SometimesshefellasleepwatchingT.V. “You should be careful around bears, Papa,” said Ollie. They’re Helga liked to talk about the Nokken, and she knew all about all knew she and Nokken, the about talk to liked Helga And shewasalittleworriedabout theNokken. little a was Ollie woods. the through them led Papa Their T.V.The Helga. on check to door glass the inside looked Ollie my visit just “Okay,”we smiled. if man “What old said. The he be would That ducks. the eat “Don’t said. Nina Papa,” “No, said, Papa their supper,” for duck a cook can I maybe “And Ollie looked out across the pond, into the trees. She couldn’t see “Not ifI’mcareful.” “Papa!” saidNina.“You’ll getburned.” “Well, I found little house out in the woods,” he said. “I can stay “That’s alongwayPapa,”Olliesaid. very I’m run. can “I jacks. jumping two did and then, stood He “But howare yougoingtogethome?”Ollieasked. The oldmanlookedupatthehouse,andthencrouched down. him, asked Nina Papa?” house, the in come to want you the “Do at back looked Ollie and down, them put man old The “But theycanbenice,”saidNina.“Andcute.”

29 SEAN MCCARTHY ah hy ant akd n eoe ad hn li loe bc she back looked Ollie when and before, on walked hadn’t they path another on off them took he then trees—and a the in rabbits—just up any leaping squirrel see didn’t they but now, way this them took Papa says they had a lot of them where she came from, and it’s like a fairy or fairy a like it’s and from, came she where them of lot a had they says Nokken,” saidOllie. They’re alittlelikefairies.” river again, so their Papa went and picked her up. “Oh, they’re not scary. be scary. Right,Papa?” always scary.”can sometimes about itaminute.“Butthey Shethought water tricklingsometimesyoucouldhearthemtalkingorsinging. the to reallyclosely listened you if and them, told had Helga too, spirits, carried them over one atatime.Littlerivers like thissometimes had coveredand greenslippery with and up them picked Papa sotheir stuff apart far were rocks the but across, get to on step could you rocks some “and thenI’llgoinsideandlookforWoofie. Ibethe’sunderthebed.” Sale.” doesn’t wantthemto.” home I’mgoingtolookonemore. Maybeunder thebed.” everywhere—evenbeach where oncetothe all covered hegot sand. with him took she and favorite her was he say and lot a him squeeze to used at theirPapa’s. before even Christmas, and their mother thought she had maybe left him since lost been had and Woofie. jacket named striped fancy a wolf and tie bow Woofie a stuffed had little her about Papa to talking was Nina asleep. still was Helga hoped she and anymore, house the see couldn’t I o’ ko, aa” ad li. Nt ely nwy Helga anyway. really “Not Ollie. said Papa,” know, don’t “I “And whatisaNokken?” “Helga alwayssaysstayaway from thepondbecauseof “Nokken?” saidtheoldman. "Like theNokken,Papa?”Ollie asked. the at look wouldn’t she said and walking, froze,stopped Nina not they’re “except said, Ollie Nina,” ghosts, like “They’re “What are spirits,Papa?”Ninaaskednow. were there and now, woods the in river little a to came They said, Papa pond,” the in it throw and sign that take I’ll “Oh, “But they have a sign, Nina,” said Ollie, “and the sign says “For he if it sell can one no “And snapped, Nina house,” Papa’s “It’s “But MummysaysyourhouseisforsalePapa,”Olliesaid. “Maybe tomorrow,” hesaid.“Maybethenextday.” “When are yougoinghome?”Ollieasked. get I once but him, found haven’t still I No, Woofie. yes, “Oh, “Yeah, Woofie,” Ninasaid.“You know? Woofie. “Woofie?” “Woofie.” “Found who?”heasked. “Have youfoundhim,Papa?”Ninaaskednow. She Woofie. about night at bed in sometimes cried still Nina

30 SEAN MCCARTHY onto theicewhenit’sthin. And thenyoufallinandcan’tgetout.” but they’re not, nice, and they be try to to pull you pretendinto the they water, and or sometimes brain pull you your read can they and ghost, a woods. Ninastarted cryingwhenheleft. the into back went he before him to them gave and crackers, of package water,of bottle a bananas, a two and took couch—and the on asleep still was in for aminute—Helga went woods. Ollie he waslivinginthe that goodbye andmadethempromisethem both secretit would betheir that dig forgoldandsingsongs.” bum, butshedidn’tcry. her on sat and over rolled she then and fell, and shoe old an on tripped clothes. Somethingthatlooked like itmighthave beenasweater. She floor.the on trash of cans. morelot bear And old a and Cigarette boxes said, and she went running across the cabin to show him how. There was walking oneday.” she believedhim.“Buthowdidyouknowitwashere?” sheasked. fixing holesinthe roof. Itmighthave beendwarfs.” ofwhite pile a was blankets onthefloor, There andthere wasasmall round table. floor. the touching was it of half was mattress and dirty,the but cabin, the in bed a was There everywhere. ashes into the wall. The fireplace was made out of round rocks, and there were keeps mewarm.” to lieontheflooratnightandlookupstars. liked he because much matter didn’t it but yet, roof the fix to yet chance hole in the roof. Their Papa said it was his cabin now, but he didn’t get a a had it and frontreallymissing the looked was but that door old, house think aboutforever.” become littlewhitestonesonthebedofriver.” water. They’re alwaysnice.” “and mostfairiesthatIknoware good.Especiallyfairiesthatliveinthe hn h od a bogt hm ak o h yr, e kissed he yard, the to back them brought man old the When to like just “they said, Ollie Nina,” him, hurt wouldn’t “Dwarfs “Papa, here if those out dwarfs come back, was you better run, I like this,” when Nina ago time long a day one it saw I “Oh, Nina was staring at him again, wide-eyed, but Ollie wasn’t sure at good very wasn’t and neat, very wasn’t who “Somebody “Who livedhere before you,Papa?”Ninaasked. built fireplace was there and cabin, the into them brought He “Oh, I get a little cold, but when I do, I just build a fire, and that "But youmustgetreally cold,Papa,”saidOllie. small a to came they then and wall, rock a over them lifted He to like I forever. stay “And said. he sleep,” fairies the “Where “The bed?”Ollieasked,lookingback. they then “And said. he teeth,” the all hides she where “That’s “Does thetoothfairyliveinwater?”Ninaasked. said, Papa Nokken,” old silly any of heard never I’ve “Well, “And thenyoudrown,” saidNina.

31 SEAN MCCARTHY was tall and thin with blue eyes, and whenever he got his hair cut, Nina cut, hair his got he whenever and eyes, blue with thin and tall was Ollie asked where she was, he said she was at the rest home. Their father to getabetterlook whenherPapawassuddenly besideher. saw something moving in thewindow. She was taking slow careful steps yard. Looked at the shed. It was dark inside the shed, but she thought she have might he thought gone backinthewoods. she and anymore, Papa her see couldn’t Ollie out, them let to door back the to went she said—and today,she colder doughnut. Shehelpedthemgettheirhatsandcoatson—it wasalittle “You musttakecare oftheheart.”Shesatupandtookabite of her was doing,shesaidstretching. floor.the on back her on lying and tights she what her asked Ollie When window. Helga was in the living room again, but today she was wearing He yelledattheT.V. him mad once whenhewaswatchingfootballandhisteamlosing. seen had she but mad, get usually didn’t He mad. be might Papa told, they if then cry.And might she then and scared, get might Nina afraid was she then but woods, the in out was he that them tell should they if there,” and Ollieknewshehad to betalkingaboutPapa.ShewantedaskNina even not he’s like “it’s about something and said whispering, mother father their then their hear could she and again, mother Their crying listen. started to trying also was she but helping, was Ollie brownies, and some make to pretending and hat, baker’s her wearing was the floor. So were their Beanie Babies, their car, and Kermit the Frog. Nina their potsandpansknivesforksfrom their playkitchenwere on told themtogoplay. and head, her kissed just mother their but forth, rubbingand and back it them into tight face her pressing legs, her hugged and over went Nina runaway,had Papa because was it if anything. say to afraid was she but celery,and onions some cutting wonderedOllie and crying, still was she did, she when even then but said, busy,she keep to better was It busy. keep to wanted she that said and no, said she but then, pizza order just would he said fathr Their crying. was she then supper,and cook would she said home, came mother their then but cheese, and macaroni some cook to going was he said He quiet. mostly was he tonight pain—but in hated itwhenhewassingingbecauseshesaidsounded like hewas or maybeseventeenhairsleft,andhe’sanoldman.” whisper, “hishairisjustreally short.” told Ollie that it made him look bald. “He’s not bald, Nina,” Ollie would Their father got home before their mother that day, and when day,and that mother their before home got father Their Nina ran towards the hill above the pond, and Ollie scanned the said. she lady,” young heart, the for good very is “Exercising The next day he was back in the yard when Ollie looked out the The playroom was down the hall. The room was a mess, and all A lot of times their fatherwould be singing—their Mummy “Papa ismucholderthanDaddy, Nina,”Olliewouldsay. “Well, Papa is bald,” Nina would say. “He just has maybe three,

32 SEAN MCCARTHY rnfte ws eitn, cnig o te in ta te vn had event the that signs the for scanning depicting, was grandfather sleep.” to trying he’s when up him wake you if temper a has he but dwarf, bad a grumpy.isn’t get He might he afraid I’m him, wake to tried we if and him let sleep bythefire.” I so woods, the through back way his find not might he afraid was beer,I much then too and drank course of dwarf The sure. be never cause trouble as a guestinmy house. But foxes are foxes and you can never would and gentlemen, a was he me to swore he though even fox him—he still has very bigteeth. And they knewtheycouldn’t trust the trustweren’t should still surethey they if old, was wolf the though even some chickenbroth, andthenalittletea.” him gave just besides, I glasses. little of pair a And wears he so well, very see animals. can’t he other the or people chasing go to energy much was niceenoughtocutthewood.” he but elves, the trust didn’t he because though table the at sit wouldn’t table. floated across the room. ash and sparks and crackled, fire The log. another on put he going, was it once then and on, them threw and twigs some broke place, fire the to to makesureand everybodyhadaplacetosit.”Hewent Ihadatable standing up right. “I had some company last night,” he said, “so I needed a board and a big tree stump, and surrounding it were more tree stumps, ashes inthere now, somestillglowingred. he hadafirelike fireplace inthe becausethere pileofgray wasabig looked it floor, and the swept had He before. day the had it than better silly woman.” a She’s pond. the and sheds, dark and mice, “like Ollie, to said man old “That’s whymyMummywon’tgointhere,” shesaid. “No,” he said, “this time of year there are only mice in the shed.” “I thoughtyoumightbeintheshed,”shesaid. Ollie looked around the room, trying to picture the scene her scene the picture to trying room, the around looked Ollie “Not during the day. He would never come out during the day, “Can weseehim?” “He saidhelivesinasmallcavenotveryfarfrom here.” “Where doeshelive,Papa?”Ninaasked. window,but the in looking were bunnies the of couple a “Oh, “What aboutbunnies?”Ninaasked. “Oh, he wasn’t a bad wolf, and he is old now, so he doesn’t have “A wolf,Papa?”Ninasaid,hereyeswide.“Inthehouse?” dwarf The elves. some and dwarf a wolf, a fox, a just “Oh, the at down sat company,Ollie for Papa?” have you did “Who “Oh, some friends of mine.” Their Papa had made a table out of “Where didyougetthelogsforfire, Papa?”Ollieasked. looked it but woods, the in house his to back them took He the things,” silly of afraid been always has Mummy your “Oh, Nina sawthemthen,andshecame,running.

33 SEAN MCCARTHY dwarfs are apttodo,soIdidn’tsleepverywell.” actually happened.“Were youcoldlastnight,Papa?”sheasked. clothes like Woofie. Nina was talking to him though, andsometimes him though, to talking was fancy Nina wear Woofie. didn’t like he clothes and tail, longer a had bigger, little a his was but cousin fall, last Woofie find couldn’t they when her bought had Papa fell offherbikewhenshewas little. scar on her chin; she told Ollie and Nina she had got thescar when she somewhereout father.their with weresmall eyes had Her she and blue, mother had blonde hair, and she usually wore it up unless she was going mirror on the windshield as she talked them, her chin raised a little. Their mother toldthemthatPapawasn’t doing well.Shelooked into the cold. been had it and work, from home got she when mother their with store the to gone fire had a they had because they fire hoped the She by again. sleeping was dwarf the if wondered she beer,and of mugs drinking all Elves, the and Wolf,Dwarf, with the woods Fox, the the in him pictured could sneakhimintothecellar. Butshecouldn’t see him. And thenshe she maybe yard, the in there down Papa saw she if thought She Barbies. out, and she could barely even see the trees. Nina was playing with their looked out to see if she could see a fire in the woods, but it was very dark cows.” said quietly. said, “andtheydon’tknowwhere youwent.” father.” were verydark. woods the today,and cloudy was sky The woods. the into out looked She branches. the in shook something then and them, treesabove the in would be hanging out, wet, and he would look hungry. A bird called out tongue on fourlegslikeregular foxes and wolves. Eitherwaythewolf’s ones she saw in the books her mother read to them, or if they ran around back. Slowly. Sneaking.Shewondered iftheywalkedontwolegslikethe woods. Footsteps. Possibilities. The wolf or the fox approaching, coming Nt o cl, h si, Te wr soe a o tog, as though, lot a snored dwarf “The said, he cold,” too “Not Nina had her second stuffed wolf—“Woofie’s Cousin”—that wolf—“Woofie’s stuffed second her had Nina their when seats, car their in buckled car, the in were They window,and their to went Ollie bedroom, their in night, That like all “We head. her patted and over leaned man old The “I likecows,Papa,”Ninasaid. “You know, I’mnotsure. Maybe Texas. Helpwiththecows.” “But where willyougo?” “Well, hopefullyIwon’tbelivinghere long,”hesaid. you’rethem tell should Ollie woods,”you the “Maybe in living “They don’t?”hesaid.“IthoughtIleftthemanote.” “She’s worried because you’re not at that place anymore,” Ollie her I’m me. about worry to have doesn’t “She said. she “Me?” “Mummy isworriedaboutyou,Papa,”shesaidatlast. the in sounds for listened her,Ollie at and smiled man old The

34 SEAN MCCARTHY him alittle.Thenshewouldpullcloseandhughim. in herhandsandshake when shegotexcitedwouldclenchhimtight horse. The thing is, they really don’t look like anything, and so they can they so and anything, like look don’t really they is, thing The horse. have “I even heard thattheysometimes look likeahorse. spoon. A beautifulwhite the licked Helga Nokken.” a not and Myling, are they child a like look they if usually But you. like child, small a sometimes Or witch. lady,a old like ugly an sometimes lady.Or old kind a times, other at and clothes, fancy very in man handsome very a like look may never.” from the pond. If I there, fine, I see them, and shoe them away. But alone, salt water. Justfresh water. And this is why I tell yougirlstostayaway never seehimagain.” set to marry,all back in Germany,was I but then he joined the Navy, and boom! I set. all be you then and man, rich a marry older,you get you about talking how tired shewas. and apron, an wearing was Helga crackers. and butter again even forgets toeat,soit’sdangerous forhimtobealone.” he sometimes and back, people call to and medicine, his take to forgets he bed. And to going before windows the all shut to or tub, the in water the drain or stove, the off shut things—like do to forgets Papa anymore. themselves of care take can’t they old, that get people when Sometimes had tosticksocksontheirhandsandmakethemtalk,likepuppets.” they show a watch to wanted T.V.they have if even so didn’t Back they then dogs. hot and them, for spaghetti sisters—cooking and brothers himself when he was little. And sometimes he had to take care of his little himself for alongtime.HetoldmeandNinaheevenhadtotakecare of and hermotherfatherfoundout,thentheywouldbemad,too. tell didn’t she if but back, go him make they’d then and mad, get might Papa thought she tell, did she If was. something that what sure wasn’t in. She felt something by not telling their mother what they knew, but she she wonderedthen restat the he didstopback ifmaybe placeandcheck and him, find couldn’t they that them tell just wouldn’t mother her why their mothersaid. “So, I want you girls to say a prayer for him that he’ll be okay,”be he’ll that him for prayer a say to girls you want I “So, “Oh, they can look many different things. Sometimes they Sometimes things. different many look can they “Oh, “What dotheylooklike?”Ollieasked. “Oh, yes,Imakethemrun veryfast.” “Would theyrun from you?”Ollieasked. like not do Nokken The so. think don’t I No. ocean? the “On “Do youthinktheNokkensgothim?”Ollieasked. “Just exhausted,” she said. “Work, work, work. I tell you girls, andpeanut soup, noodle Chicken lunch. them fixed Helga The next day both their mother and father went to the rest home “He is really old, honey,” their mother said. “That’s the problem. “He’s really old,” Ollie added now. “So, he’s been taking care of okay,be he’ll think “I Mummy,” now.said Ollie wonderedShe

35 SEAN MCCARTHY and try to enchant you. I readI I when you. Folkesagn enchant the to in try them and about much music beautiful play they when even them, to listen never must you but trick you by making you see something you are not. They are very clever, trees?” Pooh pajamas.ThesameasOllie’s. the Winnie her in still window, the at her beside was Nina her. to said cloudy, anditlooked likeitwasgoingtorainagain. really was sky The now. woods the into far very see to hard it making were starting to come out on the trees, and everything was turning green, Papa since that day their on the porch.seen She looked out hadn’t the window.Ollie come. The leaves to had she that her telling home, nursing Helga hadsatuponthemattandwaslookingherway. when she did she was on the porch alone. The old man was gone. Inside and upstairs, She’s she’ll be sad if she doesn’t see you. ”She looked back toherPapabut Nina? get to me want you Do long. gone be can’t thinking maybe I can catch a fish. Do you want to help me catch a fish?” was now,I But more. some get to have I beer. my of rest the drank he like beingfarawayfrom youguys.” You mustbecoldatnight. You can’tstayinthewoodsforever, Papa.” bed. of out got just he like up sticking was hair morehis little and white, Mac! up “Hands gun. You’relike underarrest!” look hand his made He ” me? Arrest do? Papa,” shesaid.“Whatiftheygotothepolice?” porch, slidingthedoorshutquietlybehindher. Fruit Salad, Yummy, Yummy. their attention. Ollie was watching The Wiggles. Greg was singing about appearedgrandfather glass door.sliding the at to get a little Hetapped the pond.” the Nokken.” course the Myling and Fosegrimen. But here I think, we just worry about it isherbecauseshehasalongcow’s tail shehidesunderherskirt. And of was a girl. There is also the Huldra—she is very beautiful but you can tell “How would he build a boat, Nina, if he can’t cut down any down cut can’t he if Nina, boat, a build he would “How river,”Nina the down escaped he boat, a built Papa if “Maybe the from call a got mother their that later, days few a was It “Wewereasleep. she still if see to Helga at in back looked Ollie He smiled.“Ihadalittlebutthedwarfatethem—right after “You mustbehungry. Doyouhaveanycrackersleft?” The old man patted her head. “Not forever. Just for now. I don’t “It’s not funny, Papa.” Ollie looked at him closely. He looked a to going they are “Well,what said. man old the police?” “The “Mummy went to the rest place to talk to them again about you, back the onto out snuck she then and Helga, at looked Ollie Nina wasupstairsplaying. their when mats, exercise the on again sleeping was She of “because said, “Well,”she bit. a eyebrows her raised Helga Ollie lookedather. “Howcome?”

36 SEAN MCCARTHY his teeth,likethis,”shesaid,chomping. ceiling. The fort had fallen down, and they hadn’t fixed it. But their it. fixed hadn’t father hadtaken thePoohLightandputitback onthebookcasebefore it they and down, fallen had fort The ceiling. to dosomething!” know that. And maybetheycansave him.” can dosomething.” again now. She had already said it like five times. “And then maybe they could sleepintheirbediftheywanted.Justalittlelater. girls the said They downstairs. were father and mother Their stopped. had she now but too, crying, been had Ollie said.” Daddy like Just goes. face wasallred, andshewashuggingWoofie’s Cousintight. that mea them. to talk to had father their and she phone, the off was he once that them told mother their then and hall, the across bedroom their in phone the was trying hard to smile. Ollie heard their fathertalkingtosomeone on she like looked also she but again, crying been had she like looked she and white, very was face Her them. watching inside, peeked she as arm, her on resting head her floor, the on laying mother their saw and over having ateapartyinsidethefort. Red Hair. Claudia. Six of the Barbies. And Woofie’s cousin. They were all and Lovey’s Sister, the Panda Bear named Boo Boo, and the doll with the inside, so they could see their dolls—Baby Pousie, the twin clowns Lovey floor the on it put and Light Pooh Winniethe their taken had Nina and pillows, and blankets of made was fort The bedroom. their in fort their pond. Circles growing, biggerandbigger. enough foraboat.” ns he’s dead, and we’re never going to see him again.” Nina’s again.” him see to going never we’re and dead, he’s ns “He doesn’thaveanaxe.” with down them chop could wolf the or axe, an use could “He Baby Poussie was lying on her back on the floor, staring at the at floor, staring the on back her on lying was Poussie Baby able be might “They Nina. yelled Ollie!” that “Youknow don’t “They can’tsavehimifhealready died.” “But maybeitwasn’thimthatwasdead. Maybetheydon’t “He already died,Nina.Theycan’tdoanything.” “But we should tell them he was living in the woods,” Nina said it how That’s him. see we’ll old, we’re Once to. have “You Nina shookherhead.“ButIdon’twanttowaitalongtime.” "Yes, wewillNina,”Olliesaid.“Justnotforalongtime.” angels the to gone has Papa if “Ollie, again. crying was Nina Ollie looked when Sister, Lovey’s with fighting was Claudia werein Nina and Ollie home, got finally parents their When Now therainhadstarted.Olliecouldseedropsthe hitting big isn’t river the And Nina. anything, steal wouldn’t “Papa “Daddy hasone,somaybePapastoleitfrom theshed.” *

37 SEAN MCCARTHY eg hd ruh te u sm cikn ode op n Goldfish and their kissed soup and both, them tray,hugged a had on she crackers then and noodle chicken some up them brought had Helga got broken or caused a fire. It was dark now, and it was quiet downstairs. “If Helgasees, we’ll beintrouble.” was goingtobringthefrog tothepondso hecouldbefree again. she said Nina and pies, mud making kitchen, the in working was Ollie Now hand. Ollie’s in peed he Then twice. escaped already had frog the top of the rock, staring up at them. They had him in their play house, and frog looked like hewantedtogetoutof there thoughand was sitting on The twigs. and rocks dirt, grass, with pail a in him put they so him eat might Ralph cat their that scared were they and frog, little a found had Nina them. on today,hats cold winter little their a put still was Helga so it but green, all suddenly was grass the and middles, yellow and white meant shegottoseePapaagain. want “had problems.”they people thinking didn’t ButNinasaidshedidn’tmindifit Ollie problems.” “had he said mother their but year, next down the street stillwore diapersand he was going intokindergarten make youstartwearingdiapersagain.” he wetshispants. You don’twanttowetyourpantsorMum will terrible, terrible things. And now he still has nightmares. And sometimes, time. My grandfather, he was your age during the War, and he saw some no places for small children. Itcould give younightmares foraverylong she father.“Youareyour said, fork, agreethis with must like I Things girls, know her licking was she as and go, could Nina and Ollie whether most ofthelasagnawhiletheirmotherandfatherwere arguing about ate Helga cheese. and macaronimore and bread, some lasagna, with by “They’re notevenfour.” won’t they “Otherwise, room. next understand.” the in listening were they know no—said theywere toolittle. said father their but lot, a cried had Nina and little, a cried had she and too, go, to wanted had They sure. so wasn’t Ollie but up, wakes he that pray and him, with visit still could people other because dead, ground was dead. Nina said that that meant he wasn’t really dead, like not in the to theplacewhere peoplewouldcometovisittheirPapaeventhoughhe Papa. out thereWolf,somewhere.The Waiting Fox. the going and Dwarf, the and her for fire the see might she that hoping woods, the on out looked window,the and to went Ollie downstairs. back went she before heads “We’re not supposed to go down there alone, Nina,” Ollie said. “We’reOllie Nina,” therealone, down go to supposed not flowerswith purple Small yard. the in flowers were There Helga put on the Wiggles for them once their parents were gone. Ollie didn’t want to wear diapers again—Billy Tudor who lived come had Clark Mrs. day,and all ringing been had phone The said. father their understand,” to going not they’re course, “Of didn’t She said. mother their closure,” need might they “But The next day their mother and father got all dressed up and went

38 SEAN MCCARTHY the Fruit Loops. And I’llrun really quick.I’mreally fast.” go, disappearing over the trees;the over disappearing go, But high. so fly them seen never had she all quacked at once, and flew up and out of the water. Ollie watched them ducks the then and lips, Nina’s escaped A noise him. see even couldn’t she that big so now,spread gone was image Papa’s Their cheek. her to the pond. Nina tried to stand up, but she was spitting water, a leaf stuck almost in She was cry—Nina cry,couldn’t to stop, started couldn’t stopped, hill. she but the down hitting little a jumped, slid and she tripped, Ollie then splash. and a with again, over leaned Nina ripples. the breaking in did, he as thinner,bigger, growing was image his and the pond, of center the towards away,out moving was water the in man old The hill. the down started Ollie fromNina’s. Separating drift. to began too. Standingrightbehindher. water,the in reflection there,thereanother there. was now was Papa but back reflection was her again, still was water the when then and ripples, more sending stick, a with water the poked and stood, Nina floating. Just still. lay he then and reflection in Nina’s in little ripples water,making the a scrambled He splash. with landed and spread, legs four all dark. Nina lifted the frog from the bucket, and he jumped from her hand, of The reflection water. than therealNina lookedalotbigger and Ninaandwaskindofblurry the in reflection her into looking pond, the of bark, hangingtheirandstaringather. galloped by, and then ran halfway up a tree, and stopped, clinging to the the pond. Ollieputdownhermudpieandwenttothetopofhill.Ralph from back come had she think didn’t she and answer, didn’t Nina Helga wasn’t at the door, or in the windows. Ollie called out to Nina, but whispered inOllie’sear. “Idon’tthinkhe’sinthere.” and coffin the at looked had Nina ground. the in wasn’t it but flowers with covered was coffin his graveyard, the in then And it. over draped flag an American with sheet a white in covered coffin, his Just then. him see didn’t they but sweaters, white with dresses yellow wearing church, the to gone had They readyyet. wasn’t she said Dad their but him, visit fun. was it because okay,Stories were likethat. was that but believe, make doing just now, thought she dwarf, the and wolf the about story the up made probably had He woods. the in night at fire the for looking stopped had Ollie and now,days four almost for heaven in been had grandfather Their again. More ducks had come back to the pond, and the Lilly she pads were growing full, was it once patted it flat. then She listened for Nina, but all she heard and was a duck call out. stones, small and twigs the out getting bucket outstraightinfront ofher. Olliesiftedsomesandintoapieplate, Ollie watched her sister hurry across the lawnholding all eating busy probably She’s Ollie. see, to going not “Helga’s ia end vr o oc hm ad h od a’ reflection man’s old the and him, touch to over leaned Nina Ollie stopped at thetop. Nina was crouched down at theedge one. real their at up looked and house, play the left Ollie Now to graveyard the to them take to promised had mother Their

39 SEAN MCCARTHY h srae Te ae ws reig Ole ikd e fe, heading the pond.Olliecouldonlyseetopofhishead. feet, her across kicked further backwards, moving Ollie still was Papa their but her,towards freezing. was water The surface. the took astepforward, andthenshejumped. Ollie turn, wouldn’t still Nina when and time, more one out called Ollie louder.was music her,fromthe away now facing and still was Nina but went Nina but again, pond the under. of middle the in was Papa then And didn’t. she but stop, to Nina Nina for but out called too, Ollie it. do, at good to very wasn’t how knew Ollie thing only do, to how knew she jumped Nina thing only did, the was It paddle. he dog The swim. to once tried and again forward and time, this longer for under stayed He making herwanttosleep.Violins. almost and distant, and computer.Soft the on something did read or book he a while low lights the night, at den his in to listened sometimes there before. Butnowitwas.Music. It sounded like music their father no soundcameoutofhismouth.Butthere wassomething.Ithadn’tbeen rippling rings across the pond. He opened his mouth to call out help, but Ollie and forward, step a yelled for her to stop. Their grandfather broke the took surface again, sending Nina under. went he then and air, the reflection inthewater. But really there. Trying toswim. hair little he had left plastered to his bald head. Papa. what Again. Butnow not just a and wet, Soaking swim. to trying was he if as was looking she so turned Ollie, from again facing away the middle of the pond, and now there was a man out there, turned had She her. hear could held itout. thought. Itwasgoingtobealotoftrouble. Trouble,Ollie water. the near go to supposed weren’t they And too cold. was it and swim, couldn’t water—Nina the of out get to had Nina She wasstillcrying. pond. the across staring and shivering, and soaked up, sat away.Nina feet few a her,just at staring rock, a on sat A frogbackwards. stumbled surface, spitandthencoughed, splashingagain,reaching fortheshore. andfighting louder, the to cryingface her water,raised was of mouthful a Nina swallowed her.Ollie against but again, kicking off, pushed and it, against foot her pressed She bottom. the or rock the something, off. coming touched feet her hat then and did, she her as Nina pulling feet, too, her kicked under,Ollie way the all went she arm, her of hold The splash made Nina turn, but Nina’s head was barely above barely was head Nina’s but turn, Nina made splash The moretime, one stick the out held Ollie up. popped head Nina’s Nina was now up to her neck, and their Papa again went under. into up straight arms his raised he and him, to out called Nina she like look didn’t Nina but said, she it,” grab to have “You edge, she found a long stick, and When she reached the water’s Ollie looked out at the middle of the pond. Nowtheremiddle ofthe Ollie lookedout atthe were only but stand, to tried she enough, shallow was water the When get to tried Ollie as and scared, face her cry, to started Nina

40 SEAN MCCARTHY woods. at thegirlsamomentlonger. And thenheturnedandwalkedintothe Dressed in a cloak. His face dark, and his eyes like black holes. He stared Papa. hair,not longish climbed with man younger just a water.but A the man, from having them, at staring there, standing person was now there and again, pond the across looked She water. the upon out blew leaves gray,solid year’s last of few a and up, breezepicked the then and sky,the at up looked Ollie sobs. Nina’s noise, only The gone. was it then water the was quieting. She could but still hear the music, but been, that was fading, too, had and Papa their where spot the in ripples, bubbles,

41 SEAN MCCARTHY oig e nc ot ie rfld hce. Yu o’ know what don’t “You chicken. ruffled a like out neck her poking deserved better. Ican’tbelieveRobbydidhimlikethat.” that bullshit?” haven’t beenturnedonyet. room main the in lights the empty,and is board the at chair swivel The onion chips.I’munsurefor him. or justholdit ifhewantsmetosmokeit right” “Fuckin’ says he and and handsmehismarijuanacigarette sohecanopenhis sourcream and am, I him tell I asks? he Robby,to with here jam I Robby.Am with jam to or here album he’s solo no, a says he on and working something, is he if ask has I he if not. ask has I he out. and Scully,on seen pop they and in quarter a and dollar a put I so my help getting the sour cream and onion chips out of the chip machine, greets me warmly and calls me “brother” in his gravel voice and requests minimal rocking done today. which means that Robby will be in a mood, which means that we will get again, studio the double-booked Scully means that else), anyone or him Erik Hammer is here (he is) and if Robby Coulson is not here (I don’t see if that is me troubles what No, habits? wholesome than less in engaging say,safely can we think rockingI of and, years thirty-odd after wouldn’t pictured—fringewho ponytail—but chaps, ass-length leather black vest, pressing then the samebuttonagain.HelookslongerintooththanIwouldhave moment, a waiting button, machine chip a pressing go, drummers metal hair destructive famously figure, as enough harmless a even lesswholesome than marijuanacigarettes. And ErikHammercuts are that drugs including drugs, to stranger no am I so all, after band roll cigarette. I have smoked a few of those in my day. I am in a rock and I amonlymildlytroubled—noremphasize that isitthemarijuana in themorning.Itisn’tErikHammerthattroubles me—andIwantto Lyontämer smokingamarijuanacigarettein ourstudioloungeatseven IN AND AROUND OWL SKULL, as is pih ad pn hr i, elw ys l te way, the all eyes yellow big, her opens and upright sits Bass “I don’tknowwhatyou’re talkingabout,” Isay. he but asshole, an is Drums is. he what is scab, a He’s “Nice? “He seemsnice,”Isay. “Where iseverybody?” “Isn’t Lyontämer?”fromsays. Hammer Bass Erik see you “Did redbig up on the Bass hasherfeet control couchinthe room. He Hammer. Erik to myself introduce I so Scully, see don’t I Erik HammerfromI havesomeinitialhesitationabout T anner 2014 M c S w ain

42 TANNER MCSWAIN happened? Doyouliveunderarock?” manipulated to sculptthemostimportantartifacts ofartinthetwentieth true. Iamreverent of themachineroomCoulson andthetoolsthatRobby is legend that and himself, Capita Purr on parts the all recorded he that Legend hasit Coulson ofCatalyst. Robby than perfectionist no bigger was there and perfectionists, for be to place the was this but Skull, Owl I understandalltheinsandoutshistory ofrecordingthat and pretendto going not I’m Look, tapes. using still was else everyone when the stateofartChicagostudio. Al ScullyhadCDdupemachines some of us(likeDrums) were gleamsinourfathers’eyes,OwlSkullwas old days, before any of us except Robby of course were in Catalyst, when the In guitars. Scully’s use us has he so production, the of aspect every room. They’re for the session musicians and for us. Robby likes to manage check toseeifit’sScully. only onewhocares.” throwpillow, throwthe into howling pillow. “You’re the I’m and Kapo a And frankly, Drums’ selfislessactualizedthanErikHammer’s.” self-actualized. more and better be to us pushing always are Scully and a it’s that. ErikHammerhasbeenrocking that sincebefore Drums was born.Robby saying I’m but no, is himself sureasking I’m is ourselves. Robby ask to that have we answer question the that saying not I’m can? from Lyontämer? Can he support Robby’s vision as well as Erik Hammer impeccable drummer. Butis he as good of a drummer as Erik Hammer Hammer isin.Maybethat’sbetterforRobby?” are insideofyourass.” think thatsoundsimprobable. But.” fired Drums and replaced him with Erik Hammer from Lyontämer, and I Bass. enough thatBass should have absorbedourethos. I am disappointed in Bass and Drums andIhavebeenapartofitfornearlythree years.Long now,and years twenty almost for metal heavy of power transformative truthspeaking about our trueto powerandembracing selvesthroughthe Buzzfeed. She should avoid them too! Robby does. Catalyst has been future ofourbandandlikelivelihoods?” the newswires? Do you not read Buzzfeed? Do you have no interest in the “Oh my god, Guitar, you actually don’t know.readGuitar, don’t not god, actually you my you Do “Oh “Can youjusttellme?” There are more than thirty guitars on the wall in the machine the in wall the on guitars thirty than more are There I and room, machine the in about trundling someone hear I Bass collapses into thered couch and smothers her face with a “I love Drums! I’m not sayingthatIdon’t love Drums. He is an Bass settlesbackandheftsherchinupatme.“Fuckyou.” “But! EveniftheworsthashappenedandDrums is outandErik “Yourshoulders of your part top headandyourneckthe Robby sternly,“that her tell imply,”I to trying you’re think “I and newswires the read don’t I that knows course, of Bass,

43 TANNER MCSWAIN to be an essential part of the hardest rocking rock band of the twentieth get I that reverent am I Scully servers. of shelf a Al with fiddling here, still fat is gray,who of and Skull Owl pristine of reverent am I century. Robby spursus torock justslightlyharder. ErikHamer andRobbyhave anecdotes—and anything thatinspires and to relate toone another’s friends, as I’ve learned that aging rock stars all tend to know one another they’rebudding friendship—it’spossible that company andtheir old his enjoy to appears Robby that except another, or way one him about without ahelmet. with motion her thumb across her throat, and slicing then gets on her moped and rides away a makes Bass us, behind closed door the with sun the arein we out Once garbage. cigarettes,the throwmarijuana in and it of roaches eight than fewer no with stuffed is which lounge, the in chair Bass and I leave, and I pick bag up of Erik chips Hammer’s from the blue record the otherparts. It seems an inappropriate time to ask about Drums. and sends us home for theday. Heand Scully and Erik Hammercould from alltheelectricitywewere bringinginto thatroom. motherfucker. I’d be surprised if halftheSouthSide didn’t lose power the shred we and smiles, all room, main the into comes Robby take, that all song, a of meat hanging atmospherics andmovementwithoutourskeletontogiveusshape. After the remains Tiresias to Ode sign. good a his of glistening, bopping the take I but obviously, conversation, the hear I cannot neck. his of side the on bandage big a in with sweater, hunching prison-stripe deflated, his looks He rock. we while bit a for Scully to talks tight. one loose today.time Imeethergaze.Basssoundsalittle I amfairly Ithink no and up, shows never acknowledges his absence except for Bass’s burrowing wild eyes any Drums already. song the knew metronome, he a as and Steady it. kill does really he and kit, the on Hammer minute.” Tiresiasto Ode on start to said and called herebe He’ll him. a without in flickering, green, of column a important-looking lights. on focused is he and nose his of tip the and doesnotlookupfrom hiswork.Hiswideturtleshellglassesrest on poop inyoursoup,Bass.Iremain reverent. century. “It’s the twenty-first century now though,” Bass would say. Well, Erik Hammerproves to beanoddduck.Ihavelittleopinion At the end of the take, Robby tells Bass and I that we were loose Around lunch, Robby Coulson comes into the control room and And that is that. We play Ode to Tiresias live six times with Erik “He is.” “Is ErikHammerplayingwithustoday?” “Robby me. to “We’llback his says, he minute,” a in started get I greet Scullysoftlyinanattemptnottostartlehim.Hegrunts hri Bon ed n ie ih u rcig o be to rocking our with time in head Brown Charlie

44 TANNER MCSWAIN being loose, and I never find an opportunity to ask about the demos or demos the about ask to opportunity an find never I and loose, being Robby worksonthemwithScullyeverynightafterhesends us home for but demos, the hearing chemistry.in interestedundeniable very an am I been inthenewsviaDrums. Basshasforwarded meseveralarticles: one concede thepedestrianqualityofDrums’ drumming. makes really He needed. what’s knows Robby even before whim, jazzy andserpentine.Hecanbraceorbreakof anysongona back the Krupa, Gene like drum can he frenzy; metal speed machine-gun Allen, Rick God Thunder like drum can He perfect. than less never is Hammer absence ofremarkable error isthekeenestofcompliments. “ok” and disappears into the control room says with Scully Robby to work on and it. That take, other every like ears plebeian own that my take to a sounds take, a finish we times Other practice. to us tells and home us sends he Sometimes parts. rerecordingour us, without working is he Robby’s backwhenheissodistractedbyhisownfifty-year-old thingy. in her way, so does Bass. I am not sure how Erik Hammer is going to have and Drums, did so and back, his have I back. his had never hipsters The masses. the for singular too was Robby but world, the in band biggest the was Catalyst 90s, the in years five about For expect? you could what out ofourhands.Itcouldhavebeentighter. Itwas notwellreceived. But even to gone, was it fatigued then and album, the too mixed Scully and far Robby sex. consider were and We alcohol, struts. little and grids drugs, on no it consumed built we and album, an of blueprint the us gave Robby professional. very was tenth—it Robby’s Catalyst; with first glass doors,bytheway—andhegoestotownonher. has 3—which room iso into us past right walk woman the and he room, main the in up tuning are I and Bass while and sunglasses, her off takes never who woman a by accompanied is he bender, his from returns he hungover,or stoned When all. at up show not does he weekend one and does not show up at seven in the morning, and when he does, he is often Ursine Sepulchre for the OwlSkullnorfor the historyof Catalyst norfor our new album neither reverence has Hammer Erik traits, charming other Among Hammer! Erik not Bass. And and me not But gone. be to appear does who Drums, • • • • I o’ lk tee” eal ak o as “e ed o Stay to need “We Bass. to back email I these,” like don’t “I Speaking of Drums, he’s been in the news! Or rather, Robby has Erik predilections, of—his because perhaps Despite—or that day,clear every is in It comes exhausted. Robby and gaunt Drums’ and Bass and album—my last the made we way The Lyontämer: TheWord “Cocaine”Overand Again Unedited RollingStoneInterview withErikHammerfrom Catalyst Drummer Former Says “Cunt-Troll-Shun,” Robby Like “More 26 Times Robby“Control-son” LivedUptoHisName Drums: “RobbyCoulsonIsImpossible toWork With! IQuit!” nor for his own nor anyone else’s bodies. Some days, he days, Some bodies. else’s anyone nor own his for nor The

45 TANNER MCSWAIN some articlesofmyown: I sendher has everbeen.” band it best the Positive andmakeCatalyst could neverdream of. chuckleheads arena-filling these sandwiches toasted over intimacies out burned- of kind the with evenings our end Wewould Sound. of Planet Laurie’s and Vinyl Championship at in-stores you, of front in floor the Subterranean orRonny’sBar where peoplewouldjustweerightthere on band practice in Adam’s mom’s Bronzeville apartment, after shows at the from stories Streetsome State on Quizno’s there,fromthat work to used Louise after when have I privy. not I’m which to there story a There’s knowingly.shaft building’s the scanning eyes matte red, their Mueller, MadCow with cackle a shares Hammer Erik and Hotel, Rock Hard the Deco Carbide and Carbon building, forest green and gold terracotta, now Wackerdown between the black glass Skull, towers and the river.Owl Weto slip past the big way impractical the us takes Wednesday.He a on I rideinsilence Al Scully’sbigJeepthrough theLoopatmidnight Mueller from Great Redeemer, ofcourse. He laughs and puts out his big flaky hand for me to shake. He’s MadCow myself to the other gentleman. He snarls at me like a pit bull, and I startle. the take can front I seat.IsayhellotoErikHammerfrom Lyontämer and introduce me tells Scully hair. baby’s orange, craggy,fine, another with guy with older along backseat Jeep’s big the in is Hammer Erik big Jeep.Whatanightalready. his in get and do, should I what Well,is Well,tonight? dressedsure. get right now. Am I ready to record Lament of the Highbornerightnow demo a make to wants Robby dressed, get should I says he and before, It’s Scully of all people atthedoor. Never seen him outside the studio been. have could easily very I but yet, asleep wasn’t I and reading, was these.” believe in him too! Love, Your Friend, Guitar. P.S. Please stop sending me Robby believedinus and still believesinus. It’s the leastwecan do to because wewere thebestand we brought something essential toCatalyst. nobodies, three us, picked he and auditions, those of any from anyone remember thatweare partofmusichistory.could havepicked Robby • • • • MadCow MuellerusedtoplaybassguitarinGreat Redeemer. At 11:30 p.m.Igetalittleknockonmydoor. I’minmyrobe. I to have we But too. am I and worried, you’re know I “Bass: I addalittlenoteonthatlastone: Release ofSecondSolo Album: “IWant CatalystBack.” Robby CoulsonTakes OutFullPage Ad inNew York Times for his biggestinfluences “Temple of Bast Changed My Life.” Scott Stapp opens up about Ninth StraightWeek for TopsCharts Double-Album the New Catalyst’s Lives: Nine Competition Best Declaws the Albums of1993:Catalyst’sPurrCapita

46 TANNER MCSWAIN his neck the past few days is off, and a red, egg-shaped boil glares at us, at glares boil egg-shaped red, a and off, is days few past the neck his on had he’s bandage The head. bald big, his on headphones black big, little oldSicilian husbandandwifewhoown it;beengoingfortwenty “Nope.” south. on StateStreetrocklimos ferrying exceptthe musiciansnorth andthen Hardlyasleep. is car world a outside the Loop, the of middle the in even and here, in day as bright it make fluorescents The Sub. Meatball fine enjoy a I and Sandwich, Carbonara Chicken a enjoys He full. mouth his to getsomethingeat,andhedoes.Iknowjusttheplace. still here. You didn’twanttopartywiththeguys?” myself smallontheleeward sideofScully’sbigJeepandwaitforhim. windy, November It’s outside. go I eventually office. his I make into and head my peek I when machine chip the restocking room, control the in me, checking levels when I’m in the main room, checking mics when I’m dodging be to seems Scully,he shake to but talk to to around stick to seem want I out. can’t I whine mournful a with filled are ears My Prius. real band. metal as heck. The boil doesn’t burst. Three of the four of us sound like a session band. there’sa Catalyst; never been Coulson andalsohis Robby onlyeverbeen that everyonebuthim seems to havehad two decades ago: there has revelation Robby,a for come-to-Jesus a with ends it say to like would I praise. no of beforeworthy many is rockso them, of like pantheon gods, this that say to like would I legacies. rusting and their against flailing pros, complex a aging thrashing, song—such three of weight the the beneath and ballad—collapses delicate Hellespont, the of boulders the like Catalystthatnight.Iwould like totellyouthategosclash like test. Fivesixseveneight.” main room, Scullyremaining atthecontrols. Robby chooses some of Scully’s guitars for prominent. us, is and we which follow him boil, into the the touching avoid to orange best my like try I smells and juice, He angles. and bones all turn, in each us embraces threatening tospitatanysecond. Robby grinswhenwecome in and Robby is already at the studio, working on his laptop with his with laptop his on working studio, the at already is Robby “I gotothislittledeliinHyde Parkfourtimesaweek.It’sthis “Do youknowhowlongit’sbeen sinceI’vehadaQuizno’s?” with Scully says pleasant,” goddamn super is Quizno’s “This wants he if say,asks I I young,” laughs. too he I’m and think “I were you realize didn’t “I out. coming says, he you,” It’s “Oh! his in mates his with leaves Robby and four,around Wewrap is it and night, that Satan to come all we is truth the friend, But sound not do we that is friend, you, tell to like would I What “Lament of the Highborne,” says Robby. “MadCow Mueller live “Mark it,”saysScullythrough themonitor.

47 TANNER MCSWAIN just… seriously, just not half as good as this fucking Quizno’s. I had no had I Quizno’s. fucking this as good as half not seriously,just just… own condimentsandfresh bread everyday.Italian subthat’s Gotthisbig their make They free. for meat Extra you. for everything do They years. Because that’sadifferent sandwich. A sandwichnoonewants toeat.” right? instead, spices Russian fucking like had friend—and your that’s spices— Italian have didn’t that sub meatball a Or right? else, nothing of meatballsand a plate fucked upifyoujustgavethemlike would be it yes, when people order that sub, they’re thinking about the meatballs, but You’re theotherthingsonMeatballSub. Somanyingredients! And it. call you whatever spice, Italian the she’s whatshername, Yourfriend to havetheotherparts!ErikHammerisbread.you’ve got course. But there. Ok? Catalyst is the Meatball Sub. Robby, well he’s the meatballs, of got you Quizno’s from Sub Meatball that like it’s why band, the Listen, along. hear.to all right been smaller,have Some may Bass says that part scarier There is a small part of me that fears Scully is only telling me what I want friend? Goodtogo. All set.Notathingtocare about.” your So man. a is Well,he Mueller? MadCow And bassist. chick a had worth even Not always is. Robby’s Totallysecure. Catalyst? this among place Her deal up. bringing a of little how That’s whatsherface. to it prosperity.For it. mentioning even not off you’reprobablybetter fact, In Robby and MadCow are old friends. They just wanted to jam and record is practiced.“You tellwhatsherfaceshe’s got nothingtoworryabout. Scully reaches across the tableandclasps my handgently. Hissympathy end. And not because, I don’t know, Erik Hammer was looking for a job.” own his on foul-ups for go let was he that know to good it’s But Drums. press. It’sunprofessional.” realfeelings Robby’s the hurts to off It mouth of. people privy when bad the arenot people that of you, story.tell whole me let on, going part shit Therewas little tiny a even not That’s tabloids? the to saying he’s shit expressed. After Drums wasletgo. You know.” anything. about worry to need doesn’t Neither doyou. Are youguysworryingtogetherorsomething?” “Bass says. he “No,” Crush. About herjobsecurity.” toasted sandwich. Mueller.” idea.” It’s hard to argue with Al Scully. I buy us milkshakes at “You’re worried about the band.I know you love the band. doubt. to beginning am I But say. I hear,” to relief a “That’s “I guess that’s a relief,” I say. “Not that I didn’t love and respect The there. story whole the know don’t “You grimaces. been Scully have Concerns way. that it put wouldn’t I no, “Well, He swallows and washes his sandwich bite downwithOrange to knowifBassneedsbeconcerned. “I guessIjustwant with overflowing mouth hands, both with off MadCow me waves Scully about you ask to wanted I Al, Say, know. I “Oh,

48 TANNER MCSWAIN Coldstone Creamery andhedrivesmehome. Bye-eeee!” a need designated driver,you youknowwhotocall.” if “But degradation. and sin of cesspool a is it Applebee’s, Skokie Applebee’s andpartywithme?” cold. “Ifyoucommitmurder, I’llturnyouintothepolice.” assume youagree?” I tears. naturally,many occur that wereto all not but tears, shed would I Raid or something to be patently immoral, I am saying that if such a thing or spiketheheroin he’salready doingwithlike a household cleaner or find I while conclusion, In your suggestiontoencourageErikHammerdotoomuch heroin and/ be. should he as thankful as not is be honest, let’s he, which for gift a is day Every partying? sustained of degree he’s livedthislong! surprising that it’s actually his At hisageandat incident. know, with You filled life rich this lived objectively he’s mean, I baby,right? might Cambodian a who like, than, people him the better well, all die, accidentally of scale it’s the because on but sure, dies, sad, person a That’s when sad dies. and heroin on death to Hammer Erik overdoses say let’s Like, right? bad, so be wouldn’t it accord, own for evenconsidering suchathing.I’m just saying.Ifithappenedonits be suggesting…” Overdoses, probably. DoesErikHammerdoheroin?” burned-up brain cells, right? Those guys died by the hundreds in the 80s. music andpeopleshouting. background,electronicthe loud in party a hear can I phone. the answers watch eachothers’backs. Weguitarist. male a had always will also have they that remindsme she week.” Conan Bernsteinlast took meandErikHammertojamwith Robby me attheQuizno’s.Shehugsme. secret jamsessionwith MadCowMuellerandallthethings Al Scullytold her upandshethrows apillowatme.Itellhereverythingaboutthe No oneisaroundredon the Bass whoisnapping except couch.Iwake I onlygetafewhourssleepuntilit’sbacktothestudioforme. Nh i’ co. rk amrs ee Hs elrs o a limo. a got dealer’s His here. Hammer’s Erik cool. it’s “Nah, all Like possible. as diplomatically as say I you,” thank “No the to out come to want you Do figured. I what that’s “Yeah, I give her a moment to compose herself. My ravioli is getting “No! Of course not. I’dneversuggestthat. And shame on you Youpoint. seriously the can’t not That’s it. of barrels god, “Oh, “It shouldn’t be thathard to getrid of an old metalhead with “Hi, Bass.WhatcanIdoforyou?” Bass how is Hammer,” Erik of rid get is do to have we “All and bassist, female a had always has Catalyst that her remind I “You are suchagoodfriend.I’msorryIdidn’ttellyouwhen

49 TANNER MCSWAIN study thesheetsforLothbrok’s Song—we’re supposedtohaveitdown up, feet my put and Breedlove pit little zen my my take to I Pacific gone. answer. Ileaveavoicemail. I can’tcoverforher. Ihopeshe’s alright. I doesn’t Bass but call, and call I furious. are Scully and Robby morning. one capacityoranother, fortwenty-fiveyears. in riff, that playing history. been roll I’ve and rock in riff guitar greatestThe rock. to invocation an screams Coulson Robby life. to roar guitars twin the then line, bass groovy the Then starts. Stalker Fever before roll snare fake-out The album. the of part be well as may that crackle vinyl my me entire life,lovedmeandforgiven meandtoldIwasstrong. understood has who one only the he’s it, know doesn’t Robby if Even friend. oldest my It’s well. me singing head, my in still, me for there was Capita Purr but rehab, in player CD my have me let wouldn’t They divorcepapers. the sign to courthouse the to way the on and born, were daughters second and first my nights the on wedding, my to way the on Chicago, to move solo my on over and over it virginity.played I football stadiuminmycollegecapandgown.Iplayeditwhile Ilostmy high school cap and gown, and four years later on my headphones in the Purr Capitaplayedonmyheadphones while Iwaitedinthegymmy coaster. gasoline-colored a into warped underside the and school, high CD because I used to play it twice a day in the car, on the way to and from Goody in1991.IowneditontapeandCDalso.hadtorepurchase iton Sam a at this bought I hell. to all scratched corners, crunched with vinyl to thisnowfeelsbothblasphemousandholy:theoriginalPurrCapita Reverting It. find owned—and already I albums of reissues deluxe the the Catalyst section—I have all the LPs, EPs, imports, most bootlegs, and through my recordsflip to I self-soothe. irresistibleurgeto an me within here tofallinlovewith.Nothingto. nothing there’sever, but as strong as is ethic work ever,the as strong as ambient jazz was better than this. The soul is obscured. The structures are are long behind us, of course, but even that mid-period of theremins and all viking-related. The urban malaise and poetry of Catalyst’s early years my harmonieshighlighted: sheet, lyrics the at glance I Odin. honors that fear of absence that bones, marching tohonorabledeath.I can almost feel theNordic wind in my shieldmaidens and berserkers the of tap-tap stream, blue icy the across the Viking empowermentthetracksuggests:serenity ofthemarch debut attheMetro surprise show Monday—and I trytodrift.slipinto Bass has ended the call. I return to my ravioli, but my appetite is Bass and Erik Hammer don’t show up to OwlSkullthe next outer grooveonto the needle gently I lowerthe andwaitforthe up welling find and away, sheets the away, guitar the put I almost are songs post-Drums These sigh. and note bum a hit I Woo, yeah,viking,viking Vikings, vikings,vikingsong Vikings, vikings,Lothbrok’s song Yeah, yeah,Lothbrok’s song

50 TANNER MCSWAIN throb as his exasperation intensifies. Finally he tells me to go home, he’ll home, go to me tells he Finally intensifies. exasperation throbhis as hope shedidn’tdoanythingstupid. and treasured.’ The Spider thought about the Silkworm’s wisdom, and wisdom, Silkworm’s the about thought Spider The treasured.’ and it, see people they tear it down When and sweep it stupid. away.and My shroud harmless is slow,the but it is for valuable trap a but nothing is insults. ‘I concede that you work faster,’ said the Silkworm, ‘but your web I workmuchmore quicklythanyou?’ that concede you Do morning. this started only I and delicate, beautiful, It’s web. transparent fine, my at look ‘Silkworm, said, he and Silkworm, the at he laughed Spider and The speed. incredible morning, with months. web that his weaving started many was just for had hand, working other the been on Spider, had The he “but indeed, continued he continue hisdescentintoabstraction. Robby was already theoretical, I feared for my comprehension should he another.” one beside weaving were Spider the and Silkworm The story: old an me that feeling of wanting to give ground. So he pulled me aside, and he told knew he and me, than longer lot a business the in been had He fatigued. their it do them way.Let It’sjustarecord.’ it. DrumsAnd IthinkOriginal I wasso couldseethat fuck ‘Just thought, I where point the to getting remember I compromise. And to way.me the fought of They inch every very persnicketybackthen.” was I details. the over squabble to harder it made it similar.think very I werehonestly, visions, Our production. and arrangements over Guitar But backthen.Iwasnobody. You know?” now.happened that if say,I thing little Every published. and scrutinized little bitofalovetriangle.”Helaughsdiplomatically. “Imaginethemedia briefly.dated a I was and There Bass Original did. honestly I him. hated Guitar—I Original The band. the with argumentsscreaming these in get would “I shared, ever have we conversations engaged most and longest I nodandallowwisdomtoferrymelikeadrowning mantoshore. the worldofmusicandart?” band is supposed to be. What do we represent? What do we contribute to needs totellme. all. Hetellsme to sitdown on thebigred couch. He has something he recordto recordhimself. Ivolunteer everything myparts;I’mhere after e at o a e hus Rbys ol per t ble and bulge to appears boil Robby’s hours. few a for wait We “The Silkworm continued toiling and shrugged off the Spider’s and shrugged“The Silkwormcontinuedtoiling Spider’s off the shroud,” beautiful a on hard very working was Silkworm “The of much So expecting. was I archetype story the not was This me fought They align. to stars the get couldn’t just I true. “It’s “Surely not,”Isay. Original with fights screaming these in get would “Anyway,I I doknow. “When I was your age,” he continues in what is already one of the same things!ButIdon’tsayanything. the thinking I havebeen this what solemnly,“about says he lot,” a thinking been “I’ve

51 TANNER MCSWAIN do youknowwhathedid?” you sincehemetyou.” fire to planning been who’s somebody about You’reworrying yourself. always does. You should probably justtakeiteasy. CometoVegas. Enjoy to royaltiesget time fromto redoalbum. He’sgoing the all himselflikehe it studio enough in put and already We brother, bills. thing, dollar greenback one that’s making about is Robby lasts? that something making about band—is original the from one only the he’s know, you tour—when, reunion after tour reunion Youthink endeavor? artistic an starters. for Silkworm, Youwas together back band old his putting think no He’s kid. Coulson, Robby old about something you tell me Let huh? the wayfornoreason.” way. We are trying to make something important, and you’re standing in who cares Spider about havinga good old time and to hell withanyonewho’s in your mercenary a Just Spider. a you’re and here, Silkworms be and whenwevisitChicago,we’llalljam.” together, and happy we’re that know Robby let just Youbrother. love, don’t evencare.” you like seems it and apart, Catalyst tear to You’regoing irresponsible. when are youcomingtoSinCity?” Lyontämer wantstotalkyou.” right andseethisthrough totheend.” tomorrow by night. Stophollering. Chicago to back get to able be won’t they No, Hammer. Erik Mrs. now in is also She is Vegas. in Hammer She’s Erik fine. Vegas. is shethinking? I am desperate and furious. Where is she? Where is Erik Hammer? What to be composing on the fly. toplay I leave him and try unsuccessfully to starts call Bass. Robby but off, around, is nothing resembling a song on tape our list, a jazzy little The beat he seems kit. drum the behind sit and them, prop room, main the into guitars several take boil his and Robby Metro onMonday.” Head onhomeandletBass and ErikHammerknow. I’llseeyouatthe hand onmykneeandusesmeassupporttostand.“You alwaysgotit. “He atethefuckingSilkworm.”Robbysmilesandplaceshis I shakemyheadno. “Bass wantedto spikeyourdrugs with Raid.”Ihangup. story,Silkworm the you told “He cough-laughs. Hammer Erik to trying are I and Hammer.Robby Erik me, to listen you “No, is This band. a just It’s man. “Listen, coughs. He "Aw, man.” really is This Hammer. Erik you, in disappointed really “I’m brother, “Hey, chuckle. gruff a and giggle from feminine Hammer a hear Erik I husband “My Bass. says on,” “Hang this do to have “We plead. I Silkworms!” be to have we “But She’s thinking I need to chill the heck out because everything is The midnight before the Metro show, Bass finally calls me back.

52 TANNER MCSWAIN we’re but short half the fine, band for Monday,probably is so if there everything ever was a time that to call in Robby to email an send I answer. guitar and wave and smile. The stage is set for a full electric band, and as Robby’s name, continuing as the stage lights rise, as I strap on my acoustic don’t know, ambitions?” cache of your own songs you’ve been itching to debut? Don’t you have, I set. Lowenergy. Ifhecan.” solo acoustic do a and he’lljust not, or out go to able he’ll be knows if he winking atusforthepastfewweeks.“Ithatched.” ever again. You knowwhatImean?” either gonna play the best show of his life tonight, or he ain’t gonna play with BassandErikHammer.” trying tocallyouallweekend.” alley behind the Metro. He looks grim, more scattered than usual. “I been “Goodnight.” girls “The disconnected. miss youtoo,”shesays.“Goodnight,Nathan.” she if wonder I that enough long pauses She hour?” daylight a during sometime this about talk we Can alright? everything to hey say and by stop everyone. We couldgotoamovie.Mytreat.” to like Tomorrow. I’d Monday. on plans had “It’s verylate,”shewhispers. own awagon-leasingfranchise.” wagon. I’vepurchased several other wagonsthatIlendouttofriends. I wantedtoseehowyouandthegirlswere doing.” the bigfavors,perhaps thisisit. I call Robby,call I answer.doesn’t he and Scully,call I doesn’t he and The house lights dim as I take the stage and the crowd chants crowd the and stage the take I as dim lights house The some have you Don’t right? artist, an you’re know; don’t “I “For howlong?WhatamIsupposed toplay?” “Play a solo set. Warm up the crowd. Keep ‘em entertained until “Is heokay?Whatdoesneedmetodo?” been has boil Robby’s where spot the neck, his to points Scully “Drugs?” Iask. He’s way. bad a in “Robby’s says. he shit,” a gives who “Ah, problem say.a “There’sI too,” weekend all you call to tried “I the in chain-smoking Scully, cries been?” you have “Where “Oh, yeah,ofcourse.Everythingisgood.Ijustmissyouguys.” Is Monday. not “Probably says. she night,” school a “It’s “I’m sorry.see ifyouand Ijustwantedto Adam andthegirls “Mm,” says Louise. I hear her husband grunt in the background. the drive I wagon. the on so I’m that. like Nothing no. “No, “Are you offthewagon?” “Hey,” I say. “I’m sorry it’s so late. We haven’t talked in a while. “Hey,” sheanswerssleepily. “Nathan?” I callLouise.

53 TANNER MCSWAIN to comeout. star rock actual the for chanting keep they microphone, the into speak I Robby seemsfulfilled;he’splaying theoldstuff. My favoritebandisrelevantband forseveralyears. again. Iwasinthat band. favorite all-time my of iteration latest the on is attention my and clubs roll and rock Chicago great the of one in am I tonight but etcetera, meetings withmanagersofbands lackingstringsandfrontspiders and searches, internet classifieds, toward attention my direct can I morning, and notdwellonthecontradictionofdisappointment pride.Inthe ofsalt-and-pepper sea the darkened into ponytails, undulatingintimewithhishydraulicthrumming. verse first the howls he as quiver bristles His sync. perfect in rock legs Robby’s plateaus, song the When foundation. heavy the building bar each riff, twin alternating an claws, playing lead and melody tarsal guitar respectively,anterior rev like muscle car engines, left and right his as line bass opening the thump snare intro to Fever Stalker. His left posterior tarsal claws thump, thump, love.” chelicera microphone. “We’re Catalyst, and this is a song about falling in will nolongerrequire theservicesofbandmates. he that know to disappointing it’s actualization, self achieve friend a see to pleasing it’s While balls. disco like lights parcan the diffuse and catch the kitinhisrightposteriortarsalclaws. His primaryandsecondary eyes in his left posterior tarsal claws, and a pair of drumsticks hovering above guitar bass a claws, tarsal anterior left his in guitar another claws, tarsal anterior in histworight the harness.Heclampsaguitar is wildabout hovering as he extends his legs off the stage in four directions. The crowd it, atop thorax his hefts Robby low,and a harness, out cushioned carries drinks.” Ipathiscephalothoraxandholdbackmycomplextears. mandibles whisper to me off-mic. “I’ll meet you after and we can get juice me a profound sense of melancholy. “Thanks for covering,” in his instills enormous Metro the at onstage ambles who spider wolf eleven-foot The the monitorsafamiliarbutaltered voicesay“Letmetakeitfrom here.” the stagetobringitonhome.” Catalyst! “I’m going toplayafewcover songs for youbefore Robbytakes the backcatalogue. and, despite all the years of bad press, still found the truth and beauty in get excited when I see the younger fans, those who came late to the party not theirchants.Catalystcrowds are nearlyallmenintheir30sand40s.I but faces, disappointed the obscure eyes my in lights flood muster.The Hy eeyoy” sy ih s uh nhsam s can I as enthusiasm much as with say I everybody,” “Hey, Tonight, from the wings, I will enjoy an undocumented emotion the machine-gun and out freak legs posterior right Robby’s “Thanks for coming out tonight,” Robby chitters into the custom stagehand Aboards. red-lit the along probe legs new Robby’s on hear I cheer,frenziedand a provokes reason, some for This, say.not I for Catalyst.” Boo not Boos! I’m “Hey,see, can you as

54 TANNER MCSWAIN or eighthouse sparrowseach otheratmybird chirpandirritate feeder. drycleaner callsandreminds metopickuptwoskirtsandadress. Six can dealwith.Simplethings, rote things.Ihearyourvoice,softly, Mom. I problems I welcome scum. the on floats goldfish One smells. garbage Jonesy whines when I open the door. There’s a puddle in the kitchen. The is tomorrow another day.notes; make piles, build to manage I cafeteria. bank’s the from soup me brings down. Acolleague head my keep I Workgentle. is with emptybenches. smiles and takesmyelbow. Iawakeaswewalkbyariveronbrickpath tells mehe’saVietHe Namvet.Itellhimdon’tlike ponytailsonmen.He ponytail. greying a into pulled is hair scant His broad-shouldered. her on leash. Shehasnothankstoconveyandwantsthewarmrug. jerk a with trance my breaks Jonesy me. for covering bank, the through thanks send at I team while. my a to snowflakes in time the first be lucky to get six hours sleep. I’ll be lucky to sleep at all. Work tomorrow; almost nowind.Dog’sbreath, mybreath inthecoldnightair. down-drafting into the shadows of the trees. Black, white, shades of gray; honored hopeforatasteofwinter. Eyesclosed. A sigh.Mine? time- the in open mouth up, another. head then my snowflake, tip One I bush. a then hedge, privet the to me drags Jonesy cold. the the and welcome crunch I silence. the breaking snow, the in crunch boots My his. Sort theclothes.Feedfish. Walk thedog. Focus. What should I do? What can I do? Forget should. Write the letters. crust. counter, a sponging bagging garbage. fridge, the open popping kitchen the in one’s No called. name my hear don’t I jangles. TV,telephone No or passes. radio, wood stove and the rumblings of my old dog. Almost nothing. No traffic Focus. The room is so still, the silence broken by the merest hiss from the something between the lines that I’m missing? If I can focus, I can find it. one; IhavereadIt ispage again. same page four timesnow. it Isthere Things collude. I involve myself at work and pay my bills. The bills. my pay and work at myself involve I collude. Things tall, know.is I He one no man; a heavily.of dreamsleep, I do I Dong. Trinity’s church bell tells me the time. Must go to bed; I’ll chimney, my from rising Smoke eyes. my opens smell new A than stronger is will my snow,but the sees he when balks He “Come on,Jonesy;let’sgoout.” snow the on moonlight pale: window, the at lightness a see I the read I rug. braided the on snores Jonesy dying. is fire The SNOW ISFALLING E lizabeth M orris

55 ELIZABETH MORRIS unopened. closet, hall the in leave I which from Amazon, package a delivers FedEx fill: Icouldn’tstandtoloseJonesy. eyes seemdull.Iexcuse myself from the conversation as I feelmyeyes her Even pup. this to compared slow how muzzle, her around is Jonesy gray how notice I dogs. thaw,our unseasonable and the path, the about talk small make I and Jonesy,He of basset. version a younger also a too, dog? dog scent—another a walker.has Weother Squirrel?He friend? Aone young encounter interesting an for diligently hunts she pup a like leash; her off Jonesy let I through. flits sun the the where fills melts Ice hollows. Snow break. welcome a it’s but spring, yet not It’s woods. the all fourofyourflannelnightgowns.JewelryI’llsortanother day knit, you sweater the scarves, beautiful your me: for things Some trash. weekend. And I do. A pilefortheSalvation Army. A smaller one forthe sell to desire no need, the house. But Icanmove on. Ideterminetosortyourclothesonthe no reason, no have I means. that what wonder the world.” into on—escape know.move Weyou could house, your sell “Youcould I don’t speak in this dream, but somehow he knows that I won’t or can’t. me he’sasailor. “Haveyoueverbeensailing?”heasks. tells He me. to talks he he time first the For smile. kind and tail pony his by When weeks. few a for dreams older,Randy returns,he’s it’s sixty,know maybe I But stooped. he’s and my from vacation a takes Randy sweatshirt offthechairwhere youleftit,nestlingdownforthenight. wet walk. short, very a for Jonesy with rise I and dim, grow to seems elbow my at breath.your voice, lamp your The step, your for listen I noise. casual the whines for a walk, but for a while I sit in my corner of the couch, relishing foot ofmydriveway.the they’ve depositedat I’llshovelalone.Jonesy my street. Ithinkoftomorrow’s chore ofshovelingthrough themountain down lumber plows two and creak,Trees windows. storm the against snow wet heavy the blowing wind noisy—the it’s time this but snows, my elbowandwalksmetotheexit. leave. can’t I so row,Randy has fronta part in the play, the but walks off the stage and once more takes in sitting am but attack panic a having against her. From thenon,IthinkofhimasRandy. rubbing He’s smokes. she and hair, black short has She woman. a with several exoticlettucesgonesoftandslimy. hn t eis o ml bd I la te ergrtr tossing refrigerator, the clean I bad, smell to begins it When In mylastRandy dream—though Idon’tknowit’s tobemy in walk long a take I and Jonesy morning, clear warmish a On I and world, the into escaping about think I morning the In When Ishakemyhead,hecontinues,“Comesailingwithme.” your pulls she and room, my in sleep dog old this let I Later it Again embers. is fire empty.The is glass My night. Another I’m Theater. Little local our at play a at I’m dream, another In Several timesIdream ofthemanwithponytail.Oncehe’s .

56 ELIZABETH MORRIS with his smooth hand, I long to hold your hand again. Somehow Randy Somehow again. hand your hold to long I hand, smooth his with walks metoagroup ofpeoplewatchingaparade. As he holds my elbow last—he againtakesmyelbow. Heliftsmefrom awallI’msittingonand help mewiththisolddog. creepslight across ourwindowswhere tissuesofsnoware drifting.Just me when thesnowis softly falling.Be in thenextroom when dawn’s pale ore day together. Just one night by the fire. Be here this once to walk with mother. And nowIcryandhowlaloud.Justonem young a I and little were you when skin against coaster,rollerskin a on family wedding, holding hands at that scary movie, clutching each other Randy, andwedanceinacircle, slowly, slowly, slowly. and I and Ducky.Tinayou Wigglesworth.My My hands, We hold three understands andtapstheshoulderofwomaninfront ofus. Half asleep, half awake, memories flood—dancing together at a Bellina, Tina My Tina. my girl, darling my you, It’s turns. She

57 ELIZABETH MORRIS & M.Hulot(blesshim)divine,aking. enough tomakethecanarymechanical- light-swing shade-swingthing is anon-offswitch,ayes-singno-sing The windowM.Hulotsees like agoldenthrostle andsings. and inthatdazzlethecanaryglows to catchit,filltheglassdazzling M. Hulotswingsthecasement How thelightsplashesoverMontmartre! so thatthecanarywillsing. M. Hulotarrangingthesunlight It’s agreat scene: M. HULOT AND THECANARY J ames N orcliffe

58 JAMES NORCLIFFE barf onthemovietheaterbalcony— If I’manopenbook—fake through—picking herfriend’snose—dinnerby dinner. the children inthebasementtokeep front yard—live with. You havetostore You realize what thoughts been alonethiswholetime.Shetellsme she’s If someonedoes,thatmeansyouhaven’t had: anyone think ask. Itshouldn’thurt.Besides,wedon’t will answer. ASK. IF YOU'RE UNSURE, they canbeworked woman’s leftbreast—it’s justnotsomething it means,ofcourse—cuttingoffanother at peoplefortheirhaircuts. I don’twantanyonetoanswer! tender, andso Pekinese uptoitsshouldersinthe you shouldhaveto—buryingher the children oneatatime,laughing back athermother, drowning sleeping withherfathertoget about allthemean,horrible E d O’C asey

59 ED O'CASEY Jess touchedit and saidherfatherusedtohave onejustlikeitwhenshe way, andshe’dgoneupstartedtalkingtohim. looked, had thought that he seemed cold, even cruel, in a sexy Germanic been standingaloneattheedge ofthisthrong andshe’dlikedthewayhe one another in the middle of the ring, cracked jokes right back. Peter had at lunging and circling wrestlers, the and wrestlers, the at jeering stood jokers and hipsters of wall a lodge, Moose old an place, the of back the show herfriendRoy hadsaidwouldbefunny.tling And ithadbeen:at wresa at him met had Jess hair,eyes. blond blue cold and stubble, dark looked around thedinerbutnoonehadturnedtolookatthem. tipsy.somewhat was but bars, the She at herself paced She’d mouth. her he coyly, said didn’t havetosaybyname. Peter assumed, he that act final obligatory an in always ending minutes, 20 or 15 struc than more no rigidly usually positions, very several tured: was which world, porn the credit—to extra for sor delivers a pepperoni pietoabored housewife; a studentbegsherprofes man pizza world—a everyday from the bridge created a films adult that es. Sheunderstood what Peterwastalkingaboutashedescribedtheway in mediares interested began not was that films He in in. leaned Peter off. drifted she waitressthe Jess thanked table. edge ofthe down athishandsonthe as looking waited, and talking stopped Peter coffees. their up warmed ress weirdo. much already: sheknewwas leaving herselfopentohim beinga she wasn’tsureHe wasacaterer.how young. exactly Shelikedhimtoo nonprofitdecent-sized younger; was promoting Peter education. science burn hair. She owned her own house, she was the managing director of a au glossy straight, stocky,with side, short the on was She 31. was Jess from bartobar. Itwasthestartofsummer, theirfirstproper date. going drinking, been had diner. They late-night a at pie and coffee over “Right.” ema. He was wearing a bright fake-gold watch with a digital display. Peter frowned and poured creamer into his coffee. He had dirty covering laughed, and said, Jess shot?” cum the mean “You cours studies film couple a taken she’d college In nodded. Jess wait The said. he narrative,” is interestedin mainly I’m “What hesaid study,” of field under-represented incredibly an “It’s “Porn,” headdedwhenJessdidnotrespond. Peter wasworkingonaseries of criticalessays about adultcin . “Meaningrightinthemiddleofaction,”headded. CRUELTY A dam R egr ------

60 ADAM REGER as highuptheirarmsthewatchcouldgo,competing. was little, and she and her sisters would take turns wearing it, pushing it the scene. Jess could understand why. Peter looked classy, expensive. It classy,expensive. looked why. Peter understand could Jess scene. the caterer.”on always him wanted him, liked company the of manager The professionala of life the into sucked being I’m is news bad “The said. he main thinghetalkedabout. shadows ofatree branchwavered overhisface. the and patio, back a at outside, seated were baby.They little adorable across the tableina black Polo shirt witha day’s growth of stubble. An him baby,at little looking a thought, just Jess He’s out. turned it 26, was ded, butdidn’treally respond. next thing, but you’re stuck playing out each scene as it comes.” He nod bad habit,butyoujustwanttogetonwithitandseewhat comes next.” said. “Otherthanporn.” ed through Hollywoodmovies,too. to want to fast forward to the next one. She asked him if he fast-forward Peter said that once he understood the purpose of a scene it was hard not in. sit to bar a for looking afterwards,street the along walked they as asked was playing typing, andJesswasdistractedbyhowcutehewas. indexed, Peter said. He waggled his fingers in the air before him, miming some of them. He kepta spreadsheet where all of this was recorded and herself from asking whetherhemasturbated toallofthesemovies or just keeping nodded, Jess performed. actors the positions or acts the of each reality,”“pornological then called he what reached movie the how pad: a note on categories a few in filling film, each catalogued he watched, he As her. show to control, remote invisible an on button fast-forward invisible an pressing out, hand his stuck He Youbutton?” ‘4X’ the know giggling ofahilarious, the brink on mood. was She finish?” to start movies I knowit’skindof.gross toalotofpeople.” away.” “Rite Aid,” Petersaid,touchingthewatch’sband.“$7.99.” “The good news is that there’s lots of work over the summer,”the over work of lots there’s that is news good “The the was it but work, life’s Peter’s not job, a just was Catering They met again that week, a Thursday morning, for brunch. He the to jump to “Youwant asked. she it?” isn’t life, like “That’s Peter seemed to flinch at the word. “Sometimes,” he said. “It’s a Jess managed to avoid rolling her eyes. “Any movies, then,” she “I rarely watchHollywoodmovies.” she movies?” the to go you when analytical really you “Are that house repertory a movies, the to went they week next The them. of most through fast-forward “I said. Peter of,” “Sort these watch and down sit you do So interested. I’m no, “No, Now, at the diner, Peter it said, “Maybe we shouldn’t talk throw about it. to had He thing. that of out hell the stretched “We The ThirdMan . - - -

61 ADAM REGER taking adrinkofhermimosa. thought, d’oeuvres,she hors you serving person rich a like probablyfelt dresser, so that you had to turn sideways to enter the apartment proper.apartment the enter to sideways turn to had dresser,you that so apartment withalongentry hallinwhichhe’dbeenforced toputhis studio narrow small, a had Peter place. his at night the spent Roy,and and Melissa and Kerry friends, her to hour,and happy work a at friend new essaybefore aneveningcatering shift. watch and said he’d better getgoing: hewantedtodo some work on a thought, but she was up for the challenge. Peter glanced at his she gold crack, wrist to nut tough a was He liked. she way a in skin Jess’s scraped stubble his kisser,but expert an not was He up. tightening him felt she until minutes, a couple for kissed they and stiffly her around arms his and pulling outthenailwithoutdamagingplaster.it against hammer the bracing fulcrum, a as it used Peter toolbox. the of bottom the at one found Jess Torod?”surprise, wooden her el—a mer, ready topull,thenstopped. ham the house.Petergrippednailwithclawendof bought Jess fetched hersfrom the toolboxherfatherhadgivenwhen she sword inthestone orsomething.Ican’tgetthisstupidthingout.” owners hadpounded into thewallatanawkward angle.“It’slikethe to thebedroom shelosthernerveandpointedatalarge nailtheprevious got they When bedroom. guest the to back him led and concluded, had basement. Inthelivingroom hesaid,“Goodspottowatchmovies.” the in said he storage,” of “Lots compliments. vague house the paying and nodding bedrooms, the kitchen, the through her trailed He tour. a hood becauseoftheschooldistrict,butdidn’tsaythis. about twoblocksaway,was house Jesssaidcasually.The in thisneighbor She’dbought time. free her of most with along house, the into going the house.She’dmoved in thesummer before andallhermoneywas still said, he doing,” I’m looking offintoacornerofthepatio. what understand they think don’t “I time. every rejected flatly been and journals scholarly of number a to essays critical his sent he’d because her,admitted told being he about nervous was but real opportunitytobethefirst,establishfield.” a got seriously.I’ve them at looking is else one No movies. diner,those “Do youknowwhatyourlife’sworkis?” The summer arrived in full. She introduced Peter as her boy her as Peter introduced She full. in arrived summer The Jess pattedhischestandwentupontiptoestokisshim.He put “It’s nothing.” “Oh my God, my hero,” Jess said. “How will I ever repay you?” dow a have you “Do said. he through,” this thinking not “I’m Peter sized it up, one hand on his chin, and asked for a hammer. tour the when asked Jess something?” with me help you “Can After brunch theywentbacktoherhouseandshegavehim She was off this week, Jess told him, doing little odd jobs around Peter was planning to apply to graduate school for film studies, the at mentioned I “What said. he think,” I “Film, hesitated. He - - - - -

62 ADAM REGER some shortsandat-shirttowearaspajamas. as hepouredanother apartment and fetchedher heraglassofwater fromtelevision a of murmur the were hear walls could The Jess and thin hanging over the edge of the bed, her head in the empty space between space empty the in head her bed, the of edge shoulders the over her hanging back, her onto him, of off her pushed and hips her took cable thingshewasdoing,but shedidn’tcare. It wasseveralseconds before thethundercame.Shefelt itwasadespi ning illuminatedtheroom and she saw that hewas staring atthe ceiling. the work.Sheclimbedontop ofhimandgrippedhisshoulders.Light lean body. Rainclattered downandgushedfromJess didall thegutters. beautiful, a had He him. undressed she as out, arms his back, lay Peter we beendating?Two weeks?Three?” sheasked.Itwasnearlyamonth. him backward toward thebed. window initsframe.Shekissedhimandnudged the heavy rainrattle bumping againstthedoorframe. Sheheldhishandandtheywatchedthe appeared, he until him to called and lights the off turned and bedroom around thehouseclosingwindows.Jessstoodinside door ofher running inside, them drove thunderstorm sudden a until wine drinking her on back out barbecue sat they and a stayed Peter left, for had guests friends the After deck. her back invited Jess July, of Fourth the On and spoonedhimuntilitbecameclearthatnothingmore wouldhappen. and camebacktobed,switchingoffthelight. television the of top on back them set ordering and finished discs He the library.Peter’s en, and she could see the spines of DVDs tightly packed onto the shelves. an oversizedredthe shelvesveiledby beachtowel.Onecornerhadfall at thediscsinhishand.“Iwanttowatchthemacertainorder.” focusing onasquare ofmoonlightonthekitchenfloor. away, looked She lipstick. glossy leather, bright shiny stockings, fishnet camera; the at smiling posed, and splayed women hair; blond and black through the discs. Jess saw a flash of lurid images on the cases: bare skin, looking them, collect to her under from up got and said, he fell,” DVDs stand. There wasaclatter inthedark. him. She was climbing on top ofhim when herfoot jarred the television yellow legalpadandtworemote controls. a wererecliner. seat worn the small, On a was television, the facing bed, bination VHS/DVDplayerbalanced on topofit.Ontheotherside com a and box cable the television, Peter’s sat bed the of foot the Beside Peter remained flat on his back, impassive, until suddenly he suddenly until impassive, back, his on flat remained Peter Peter triedtoslowherdown.Jessteasedhim.“Howlong have back his stroked away.Jess turned and said, he night,” “Good “Right.” Jess glanced at a short bookcase in a corner of the room, “These are the new ones I have to watch still,” he said, frowning “Can’t itwait?” Peter reached out and turned on a bedside lamp. “A bunchof “What wasthat?” kissing started Jess out, lights the bed, in were both they When - - - -

63 ADAM REGER “Peter, whatthehell?” radiator.the and bed the her,was heardgasp—it Jess a gasping. was she during the day and spent most of his free evenings with her.with freeevenings made his They of most spent and day the during games andwinetastingshosted bythecateringcompany. Hetextedher baseball to her took theater,repertory the at movies suggested he well: sharp- blithe, her tongued youngerselfmightsay atthesightofherandPetertogether. what wondered and now, age Kavadlo’s Ms. about was Jess girls. teenage of pitilessness the off laugh to able been had it, of ter atthattablefullofsmart,cruel girls. vadlo’s shrug and uplifted palms, her helpless smile, to shrieks of laugh Ka Ms. mimicking said, Jess warm,” bed the keeps “He loose. him cut couldn’t she lonely so was Kavadlo Ms. but bed, in farted and foot lete’s her sadlifeandsuitors. picturing dating, Kavadlo Ms. imagining wild went table cafeteria Jess’s hair, sitting with a chubby man in a blazer and a paisley shirt. The girls at her in daffodil a and dress T.G.I.blue a a at wearing her Friday’s, seeing reported grade Jess’s in girl a until scrutiny,real any received never and merit didn’t She va?” by,“Ca passed asking, she as desk touching student’s each lightly of habit a and glasses, hair, curly dark concealer, and She was skinny with a older.large nose, far acne she seemed covered with she thick foundation course of though student, her was Jess when ties probably was Kavadlo Ms. years. five least at in thir teacher early her in French school high her of thought hadn’t She Kavadlo. Ms. of thought the plasterwould eventually fall.Herthoughtsdriftedand somehow she she’d have to getdrywallers in tohanganewceiling. You could see where there wassomethingthematterwitheverybody, herselfincluded. that herself reminded She oil. baby of scent the caught she’d and there, his with sleeping Peter, at mouth open.Maybeshecouldhelphim.Hewasred andchafeddown looked She sleep. couldn’t Jess but cooler, washcloth anddabbedather. and she heard the rush of water inthesink. He came back witha warm farther awaynow. at the radiator, stripes of light and dark, upside down. Thunder sounded, he’d done.“Didyoujust..” breasts, her rib cage and thighs. Lightning lit the room and she saw what on thebedwithhisbodyleaningoverhers. sudden sign of life as much as anything else—when he rose up, kneeling He didn’tsayanything.wasontopofher, leaningintoher. Jess kept meaning to talk to him, but didn’t. Things weregoing Things didn’t. but him, to talk to meaning kept Jess any of wind got she if Kavadlo, Ms. that hope to had Youjust Jess’s contribution to this frenzy had been thattheman had ath Jess examined a crack extending the length of her ceiling, where was air the and calm was sky the passed had storm the When on, flicking light bathroom,the the to hall the down went Peter floor.the brushing hair her back, looking fell was head She Her “What’s—” Jess lifted her head. Something warm fell across her She was beginning to enjoy it, half a minute later—enjoying this - - - -

64 ADAM REGER pen again. hap didn’t July of Fourth the on happened what but distant, sometimes love several more times, always at her house. Peter was quiet, intent and asked. he happening?” “What’s cup. measuring the filled she as eyebrows, his eggs together. scrambled and coffee making here, up woken she’d morning the from here.” She went backtothekitchen.She knew where Peterkepthis sugar row—” baking acakeand I ran outof sugar and I wanted tosee if I could bor was “I said, she another, one over tumbling wordsprimly. Rapidly,the cleavage. lace white apron overashortleatherskirtandblousecutlowto framehertanned a wore she outfit: her was remarkable More heels. high tall very wearing was she that saw Jess and side, one to wobbled and lip her glistened intheweaklightfrom thehallway. that lipstick red wet, and eyeliner dark elaborately,with up made was greenbig she wasinherearlytwenties.Herface eyes.Jessguessedthat a womanstandingthere, herhandraisedtoknock. and made a small, surprised noise that came out of her throat. There was when sheopenedthedoortostepoutintohallwaystoppedshort shimmied through theentrywayand unlockedhisapartmentdoor. But hours straight.” 16 about for sitting been I’ve like feel “I said. anyway,”she legs teeredhill tothesupermarket.“Ineedstretch towalkdownthe my etables withthemarinarasauceormaybemakeasidesalad.Jessvolun kiss hischeek. thing, set it free,” followed by the rattle of a laugh track. Jess leaned in to apart ments Jess heard other the droll voice the of a TV actor of say,one “Hey,passed if they you love some As upstairs. walked they and was, he was. Peter puthis arm over her shoulders, asking how the conference handsome how of again thought She unshaved. shorts, athletic and shirt stop by, andmaybelatertheycouldgodownthestreet tothebar. should She said. he pasta, some making was and off night the had Peter apartment. She fished her phone out of her purse and called him. Peter’s south of the city and was driving home, stopped in traffic half a mile from ee ws trig h sue n loe oe a hr raising her, at over looked and sauce the stirring was Peter “Sure.” Jess smiled and took the cup from the girl’s hands. “Wait “His neighbor.” The girl held up a glass measuring cup, smiling “Who mayIsayiscalling?” “Is . The womansmiled,embarrassed.Shehadlongbrown hairand “Jesus. You startledme.” Jess borrowed hishousekeysandkissedhimonthecheek.She veg some saute to too, nice, be would It wine. of out was He t- white plain a in dressed foyer, building’s the in her met He At the start of August, Jess attended an all-day conference to the Peter here?” the woman asked, looking past Jess. She bit She Jess. past looking asked, woman the here?” ------

65 ADAM REGER the sauce.“Cutsacidity,” shesaid,andreturned tothefront door. together, though, fifty or a hundred of these movies, sleeves covered in covered sleeves movies, these of hundred a or fifty together,though, to erotic them of the All on. gloves andhad she wish sensual her made that the ones skeevy,the the from hands, her in held she discs the in Theremovie. the on depending something, little a even feel range, a was maybe could appeal, the half-see could she thought, Jess time, a at One them. pulled thetoweloff,tossingittooneside.Peterturned. sauce withawoodenspoon. “Sure.” the bedandsatbesideit. while youcook.Itwasalongday.”edge of Shetossedherpurseonthe pasta boiledoverandheturnedtoattendit. per?” he didn’t,shesaid,“Peter, whatisthis?” Jess looked at him, nodding, waiting for him to look at her directly. When something.” a thumbintothecornerofhiseye.“She’s probably havingapartyor skinny, indo-meheels?” Brunette, girl. “Cute adding, before around turned he until waited She sugar.”some borrow to wanted neighbors your of “One said. she here,” her eyetothepeepholeuntilgirlhaddisappeared from view. painted surface felt tacky against Jess’s forehead, but she kept the door’s ornate and flowery across the small of her back. In the summer something humidity of tattoo a with along midsection, girl’s the off showed and ing the girl toddle on her high heels to the stairs. The blouse was cut short into theapartment.“Okay, well.Thanks.” keep it.” Café Flesh.Blow Job Betty. FaceJam.Mile-High Club. SluttyRapunzel. Jess handed the measuring cup back with a smile.“YouJess handedthemeasuringcupbackwith can Jess smiledathimandtookapinchofsugartosseditinto She beganpullingoutindividual DVDcases and examining “What are youdoing?” Jess rose andwenttotheshelfincornercrouched and pasta the stirring now her, to was back His means.” all “By “Maybe I’llwatchsomethingwhileyoucook.” here out hang just I’ll think “I said, Jess thought,” second “On the stove the On wide. eyes shrugged, He him. at stared She “I don’tknow. LikeIsaid,maybeshe’shavingaparty.” strip a like dressed here down come neighbor your did “Why “What iswhat?” of knuckle the digging said, he upstairs?” AndreaMaybe “Oh. She walkedbackandleanedagainstthedoorway. “I’mstill “Jess?” Petercalledfrom thekitchen. Jess closed the door and pressed her eye to the peephole, watch Jess past glance another casting hesitated, girl The Right.” “Oh. “You saidyouwantedtoborrow somesugar. You cankeepit.” “I’m sorry?”Thegirlshiftedthepositionofherfeet. - -

66 ADAM REGER plastic smellthatmadehertemplesthrob. library: ter’s it was repulsive, deadening. The cases and discs had a cheap Pe of shelves the on together tight packed barewomen, of images frank she called to Peter. He didn’t reply. She found the fast-forward button fast-forward the found reply.She didn’t He Peter. to called she music playedinthebackground. her feetand then bendherover against abankof lockers. Jazzy electronic the scene, pressing play in time to watch the coach help the cheerleader to before shebeganworking hisbeltloose. suppose there’s leader asked,movingcloser. “Somesortof I couldgetyoukickedoutofschooloverthis.” think you’re doing,missy?”hebarked. you do hell the in her.what catching “Now entered, “COACH” reading hat a and shirt polo a in man dark-haired a until so, or seconds ten for a lockerandwithdrew cigarettes andalighter. Shesmoked with pleasure pom poms. Looking around to make sure the coast was clear, she opened shoulders tight.Shealmostfeltbadforhim.Thenthemoviebegan. his back, Peter’s at looked Jess played, warnings piracy and tifications beside her. “Gotanypopcorn?” disc into the DVD player, then crawled onto the bed and patted the place campus junior-college “a on the set was movie of the that learn to some enough copy,skimmed Jess read which team!” home the for “Root 50-yard-line. the on back lying naked, redhead, a pictured cover back The pyramid. human sided lop a forming together men, of group a atop knees and hands on posed University think Ikeepthemcovered up?” you.” He waited and when she didn’t say anything he said, “Why do you “Jess.” “Now would you say this music is diegetic or extra-diegetic?” or diegetic is music this say you would “Now “Good idea about fast forwarding,” Jess called. She sped through time short a only for kissing noisily,tongues, kissed with They “I apart. inches were now lips Their “Well,”allowed. coach the “Isn’t there something I can do to make it up to you?” the cheer Handbook, Conduct Student the of 103.9 section “Accordingto “You wouldn’t—wouldyou?” “I’ve gothalfamindtoreport youtothedean,younglady.” “I’m tryingtoquit,”shesaid,stubbingoutthecigarette. her waving room, locker a entered cheerleader blond busty A no legal While stovetop. the to back turned and frowned He “Shh. Themovie’sstarting.” “This isbecausemyneighborwantedtoborrow sugar?” Jess ignored him. She was looking atthecover of not Especially stuff. that watch anyone make never would “I “Which isbetter: “You don’twanttowatchthose.” “You’ve gotsuchawideselectionhere. It’shard tochoose.” hl a oe ceredr, rse i rylbu uniforms, royal-blue in dressed cheerleaders, dozen a half : something bursting wecoulddotomakethisright.” Dirty Debutantes304 withschool spirit.” She rose and slid the deal wecouldworkout?” or 305 ?” Cheerleader - - - -

67 ADAM REGER hyper motion. The film cut to a blue mat spread out on the hardwood be coach the with sideways lying cheerleader the gymnasium, a of floor the on out spread mat blue a to cut film The motion. hyper Peter had mentioned on their first date, 4X, and the two figures leapt into ter toturnaround andface her. noise filled the apartment. Then she turned it higher still, compelling Pe the and rattled speakers television’s the higher,until volume the raised slick withsweat. was chest coach’s The sound. tremolo a registers, upper the to climbing voice her coos, and sighs mournful emitted girl together.The time their of end the reachingwere coach her and cheerleader The motion. regular aloud. observation madeherfeeltiredsaying it ofherselfandshedidn’tbother ers notice that their coach had been gone for a while? Jess wondered. The at the coach, hair damp along her temples. Wouldn’t the other cheerlead up scowling mouth, her closed and opened cheerleader The speed. mer jackham frantic, at moved screen the on figures The attention. constant know. didn’t she Suddenly bear? she could cruelty that real much how was and desire, honest how But cruelty. his of prospect the by and certainly, always had perhaps had. What him, was it she’d for wanted from him? had She’d been drawn she by his looks, contempt of well deep the edge “diegetic” meant, and something in this thought allowed her to acknowl was atattooofpistolinholster. thigh. The coach had a large white bandage on one knee, and on his thigh either of interior the from up grinning devil a and angel an back, her of tattoos: in paw prints between her breasts, a coveredraven with jagged wings in the hollow was girl The clothes. their shed had Both her. hind His bandage must be damp around the edges, Jess thought. She to movie the returningcontrol, remote the on play pressed Jess her,to back his had Peter requiredit if as pasta the over fussing “It’s weird,” Jess said,“Idon’thearthatpartyupstairs.” to herselfthatPeterprobablyJess thought did notknowwhat - - - - -

68 ADAM REGER work upatcheck-out,soIsee whichitemsare sellingfast.” with whiteliliessoldmore thanthosewithmonochromatic roses. cards sympathy if knew she so month, each metrics her sent company room? I had a friend in college who went on to write greeting cards. The back the in Food Analyst Frozen professional a have don’t they that say to I am Who everywhere. is Bureaucracy system. Market Star the about caution tape. too closelyresemblespackaged inashadeofyellowthat yellow of the all waffles, Free Fat and Fat, Low Half-Fat, Wheat, Berry,Whole Mixed Strawberry, Chocolate, Blueberry, Buttermilk, Homestyle, see I section. choice. “Doyouhaveanyrecommendations?” foggy becauseIopenedthefreezer doorbefore Iwasready tomakemy best waffles.” actively acquiringcataracts. am I if as look I unsmiling, and wide-eyed am I when and bottle, Goose his collared shirt. is Ella not or whether enjoying her Yoplait products. Iknowhisnamefromhe wearson thetag ask registeron to atthe sure chat he’s We and age. Fridays, and Wednesdays am,college I than younger years five from whatmymothercalls,“theordeal.” any more unrepeatablesentiments. I’vehadonemonthtorecuperate I’ve today but hear to her waffles, want don’t I and purse, my areaof open the into the utteredshit picks she because playpen the in year-old three- my chuck to parent the usually not I’m urine. and vomit hide to of thestore intheplayarea where thecarpetisperfectshadeofpurple leftover germsform a flypaperfilm.Mydaughter, Ella,waitsatthe front where handle cart the on rest hands My waffles. frozen of full freezer a “Oh,” I nod. I wonder if my bearings are about to break and break to about are bearings my if wonder I nod. I “Oh,” “I me. to closer moved He’s freezer. a against leans Thomas know to want I because ask I record?” store a keep you “Do Thomas is smiling when I peek up at him. He points to the Eggo “The HomestyleEggoWaffles are thebestsellers.” now glass, the into squint I Instead contact. eye make don’t I the want just “I truth. partial a tell say.I I alright,” doing “I’m I imaginehowlook.Myeyesare thecolorofafrosted Grey to three He’s me. at looks bagger, and checker a Thomas, “How are youtoday?” I am“Ma’am”now. Thevoicecan’tbeforme. “Miss?” someoneasks. before shiver I Market. Star the in plays Nice” Be “Wouldn’tIt HAPPY ACCIDENTS A lex R eynolds

69 ALEX REYNOLDS that Ihavebeentoostillandwithdrawn. worries Kevin, husband, My catatonic. waist, the at over bent me leave your daughter with you?” patrolling two lanesaway.” when I first saw the knife. Mall security came. I was lucky that they were held me against my car and told me to shut up, but I’d already screamed the paramedics.Hewaits. behave strangelyas if he needs to beon call with thesuicide hotline or an had incident afewweeksago.Inparkinglot.” say, “I and waist my around arms my wrap I out. fizz won’t it but sheisn’toldenoughtotellKevinorhergrandmother. car, the in cry me seen has who person only the is Ella each. words five allow metoreturn toadietofconciliatoryphrases consisting ofthree to won’t jaw my in gears the fear I earnest, in speak I If concern.” your for you better.”“Thank feeling am “I you?” are How “Good. script. in only There’s asinglepicnicbenchtooclosetothedumpster. Nothing broke. Home Depot because I ran intoaguywho carried lamps in bothhands. the at off told was I yesterday Just them. at look don’t I because people amble along behind him. I can’t call it ambling, really. I float. I bump into storethe to room.throughreturns,leading he doors When saloon-style I in twenty-three days. to feel abashed. My hair is flat, and I haven’t used a blow dryer or curlers think Thomas was charming. I would be shy. Today, I don’t have a reason save yourcart.I’llroll itintheback.” so Icrush myfingernailsintotheskinofpalmstodistractmyself. scabby,the notice to sting eyes My fingers. my creasesbetween chapped he had checked my receipts. I don’t want him to go, but I don’t want him home at stay a parent. I’m is, it As employed. still was I if be would nametag I and hand shake it.Ifhefeelsthetremor inmyfingers,hechoosesnottocomment. a extends He Thomas.” I’m but before, myself introduced I say, “Thatmakessense.” Yud e uke i i hd’ hpe t yu” e as “Was says. he you,” to happen hadn’t it if luckier be “You’d Plaza. Central mall, He a Ame. at on was knife “I a pulled man or me from away look doesn’t He asks. Thomas lot?” our “In and me, of inside bubbles something Thomas, at look I When I slide into the opposite bench. For weeks, I have been speaking “You cansithere,” hesays.Thomasstretches before hesettles. outside. area break the to opens that door a through pass We cart the rolls he as wait and section, dairy the to him follow I “Okay,” Isay, andhetakesmycart. would I nineteen, was I If grateful. am I and concerned, is He can I air? fresh some need you “Do something. sees Thomas if would He name. my knew already he Maybe nods. Thomas my where shoulder my to point and say I Christine,” “I’m “It’s just the job.” He shrugs. “I don’t know ifI’ve properly

70 ALEX REYNOLDS me like he’d look at a child who’d been hit by her parents. Then he’d fade at look would Thomas voice. my lose or away slide would I dream a In He’s munching on Chex Mix in the kitchen, snacking, so he won’t eat won’t he so snacking, kitchen, the in Mix Chex on munching He’s their cherishedfriendscanbe boughtandreplaced atToys “R”Us. a cupofbadapplesauce. Raising youngchildren iseasyinthefactthat ate Ella after puke by spoiled Mr. was first Spots The again. him replace starting toslumpbecauseshe’s rough withhim.Iwonderif I’llhaveto she smiles as she toys with a stuffed giraffe named Mr. Spots. His neck is resentment aboutmyslownesstorescue herfromInstead theplaypen. nightmares. watch will Kevin months and She films. six horrific died watch and him with He sit to forced dad. be won’t she my so born, now,was Ella before dead He’s child. a conceiving of with heraftershepassed out becausehedidn’t want toruin theirchance sex had he that her tells husband her wakes, she when and neighbors, druggedscratches. She’sbeen Rosemary wakesupwith the satanic by my dadwhenIwasfourteen.Laterdreamed aboutthescene when of think I employees, daycare are you?” “Youme, asks He boss. Kevin’s of son the be Tate,aren’tcould Christine situation. the for He girlfriend. Thomas’s of brother the be could explanation He anyone. be could He an creates me, at looks arrival new The “She neededsomefresh air,” Thomassays. smock. “Whatare youdoing?We’ve beenpagingyou.” another youngman. he did,Ijumpedandyelledathimforsneakinguponme. flavor. time favorite last the because weeks two in me touched hasn’t He of shades and colors, smashed on the cement below. Spearmint is Kevin’s Through the honeycomb holes in the table I see gum, assorted and in a variety hand his squeeze I lay my head on the table.My bent leftarm makes a comfortable pillow. knuckles. the and veins the across thumb his rubs and hand, right my over,takes reaches Thomas breathing. deep at can’t run. Ican’tfight.speak. I dreams. paralysis have I but dreams, falling have people away.Some I shakemyhead.“Shewasathome.”lookthetealdumpster. When I get back to our apartment, I find Kevin is already home. I lookatEllaintherearview mirror. Shedoesn’t seem to bearany store grocery sour the to apologized I after home, drive the On “You’re beingpagedtoo. Your kidiscryingupfront.” “Yes,” Isay, andIknowthatsorryluckisatmyside. green a wears He coworkers. Thomas’s of one It’s “Thomas?” My eyesare startledopenbyaslammingdoor. Ilookupandsee attempt an as off it pass to try I but next, comes sob Achoking Rosemary’sBaby * Air Bud . I watched the film with film the watched I . , and she will not have not will she and ,

71 ALEX REYNOLDS When he sees me, he says, “I got a call from the grocery store about Ella.” much ofhisdinner. Iarrivedtoolate. members are checking on me, constantly.me, on checking are members down.” Iwouldratherlistmy frustrations. Iamangrythatmyfamily them LynnJot avoiding. are Margie you situations therapist, the “Recognize trained writes, Caldwell, and author the thirty-three, page On chapter last the miss breathing.mindful belly.calm, the about in me starts taught It it because I Situations.” Everyday in Terror “Overcoming washcloths, andcarkeys.Hesaidhewouldhappilykillme. knives, toys,toothbrushes,tubesof Colgate toothpaste, pill bottles, bath towels, into myshoulder. Iam losing griponhouseholdobjectsas follows: spoons, forks, want togolunchwithmymother. Iwanttobealone.feelhiselbowjamming write: I Tonight, myself. on check diagnostic a run I chance. a it merited any resulting “post-traumatic stress,” but Kevin asked me to give Post-Traumatic Stress called me, for bought Kevin the book after sleep I reach to over totheside table and pick upmy notebook alongwiththe Ella put dishes, the do rereading abookaboutunicornsaloudtoher, shower, andstepintobed. I and properly, dinner eat We that wouldbefunforyou.Icanworkfrom homeandwatchElla.” home. Shedependsonhimtoparent me.“I doleavethehouse.” picked up.” “She was just checking on us,” he says. “She called the house and no one crying,another lead to will lonely jagofmine. An annoyance. anger even that he knows because off me “She calledyouagain?” spill outontothefloor. throw theboxofKraftandwatchpastashapedlikeSpongebobcharacters Macaronito cookstirfryandKraft for Ella. burner &Cheeseontheback haven’t emptiedandstartsprocessing theitems.Ipickoutingredients come homeearly.” I ferrycold items onto theshelves. “I’m sorry you thoughthad to you didn’tshow.” for lessthanfourhours,itwillbesafetoeat. storeroom,the unrefrigeratedin was coolness figure it I because but that bags into the kitchen. When I unpack, I find that the yogurt I bought lost its “I listedyoubecauseIdon’thaveacellphone.”carrybrown salw n oe t te okakd hpe called, chapter bookmarked the to open and swallow I I nod.Ifit’smymother, Ihavenochoice. “She wantstotakeyoulunchontheCapetomorrow. Ithought My motherthinksthatIlayinbedandwaitforKevintocome set to afraid He’s won’t. he but me, at eyes his roll to wants He I want tothrow my car keys. Iwanttothrow apan.Iwantto “I talkedtoyourmom,”hesays. “I’m always glad to see you two,” Kevin says. He goes to a bag I caretook say.“I I it,” of refrigeratorthe leave while I open door if minutes ten in back me call to them told I alright? you “Are . Icomplainedthattheseverityofmyincidenthardly Reclaim Your Life:HowtoHeal from How’d sheseem? Hasshegained

I don’t

72 ALEX REYNOLDS trauma Margie has experienced to qualify her to tell me how to process to how me tell to her qualify to experienced has Margie trauma weight? Lostit? stay insync. won’t and fast too come mine but his, with exhalations and inhalations down pillow his pat him hear and roll ontohisstomach.Imeasure my breathingto align my and try I and side, his to back it takes He arm. His handstaysonmyskinuntilIshiftandstruggle tosettle underhis companion? a found have she won’t time, that by but does, she before daughter. The pair of us will not suffice. It is true that we are likely to die condition, the added mentally “On purposethistime.”Iwonderifhethinksamnotenough formy I time, the At explained. he alone,” be someday,won’t would, Ella he “So that child. said another have to want bare finds tip skin. Electricity is absent, but old conversations each come to mind. Kevin has until breasts my toward shirt my slide They tense. food. scavenge ourdaughter’s “yes” soIdon’thavetosay“no.”wonderifmyhusband watchesme I donotwanttotoleratethedisappointed downturn inherface.Isay products,now these to but “no” said I’ve past, the In dissolves. It eats. It contains that yogurt liquid twelve gramsofsugarpercontainer. Sugarsitsonherenamelandmine. drink I eggshells. sugar waxy, in shapes encased dinosaur food-dyed with decorated oatmeal cold eat I behind. frame. I am getting larger. I have a new habit. I finish the food Ella leaves his inside thinner,I was fit I’d If fit. better a comfort, better find to shifts his legsirritatemyskin.Hisleftarmcomes to rest atopmyshoulder. He on hairs the shower,and my after tender is skin My mine. into of roll backs knees the his and bed, in me joins He another. one from far be to We didn’t pay for the California King because we size. didn’t think we’d Queen want a is bed Our me. to next down lies he pants, his hangs and buttons. the secures and shoulders the smooths He hanger. empty an finds and the closet.Hepullshisworkshirtfrom theheaphecradlesinhiselbow Ella, awomanwithgoodsingingvoiceandsoftereyes. for mother new find and remarry to time ample Kevin give maybe years. would This later, months aroadside on bones my find they’d lucky, was I If lot. parking a in kidnapped be to woman first the been have not my cash, or maybe my entire person if he had been in the mood. I would to wound, to take, and to do so willingly in order to attain an end, to take poised hands with human another not circumstance, or nature by about bridge as a small child, I envy her. I envy those with experiences brought and prioritize my fears. If it was something stupid like almost falling off a I close my notebook and try to readand try I closemynotebook on.Iwonderwhatkindof Kevin moves his arm, and his fingers land on my stomach. I mystomach. on land fingers his and arm, his moves Kevin I set the stress books totheside and lie down. After Kevinfolds Kevin stepsoutfrom thebathroom after hisshowerandgoesto *

73 ALEX REYNOLDS water. Onceweare seated,Iask,“Howhaveyoubeen,Mom?” the by a restaurant find we Cape, the to it make we When luncheon. our want tobebelittled.” father. She slimmed, became more beautiful. “I love you both, but I don’t to beenviousofthewayshe shrankwhenshehadproblems withmy I nod. I want to love her and her to love me, and I don’t want to be petty, we worry.” people who know you recognize that. We love you, Christine. That’s why the restaurant. I’vedoneitbefore. in cry will I if wonder I channel.” the changes he on, comes movie to see if I’ll startle. If there’s a knock at the door, he turns to me. If a horror “He still does it, but it’s worse now. He watches me when the phone rings for it.HewantstoknowifI’mvulgarenougheatoffof the table.” something falls from my plate while I’m eating, he watches when I reach “Kevin has this habit,” I say. “He’s done it since we first started dating. If fizzes andcreates astickinessinmystomach. it now but emotion, go-to my isn’t water.Anger my of gulps big take I okay.” “Kevin keeps asking me that too, and the answer is always the same. I’m formality ofmyfullname,butparents nevergavemeapetname. amassed onmybodyinthelastfewweeks. If I am careful, she won’t look too hard for the extra five pounds that have not eat three waffles drowned in maple-flavored corn syrup for breakfast. chowder that I wanted because I need to feel like I am in control, like I did parrotI requesther orderdon’t I salad. cheese goat a for clam of side the tucked tohidetheeffectsofheronlychild. shirts display the evidence. Her stomach is flatter than mine, nipped and Lauren belly.Ralph Tighther about wonder to have don’t I face. the to I debate whetheror not my mother has taken some kind of injectable with Ella.” when sheisangry. Today her chosen shade is Fuji apple pink, the color I find on Ella’s cheeks She takesasipofwaterandleavespinklipstickimprintsontheglass. let you me visit?” will When too. Kevin Ella. see to want I but well, been have “I The next morning, I drive to Dedham to pick up my mother for mother my up pick to Dedham to drive I morning, next The She doesn’t respond. Idrinkmore waterandwatchthewhite and yourself, not You’ream. I as concerned as he’s sure “I’m “I’m sure that’snottrue,” shesays.Iknowwantstolaugh. wish I’dnicknamedmyselfChris. I the of none want times, I At “How are you,Christine?” weakness, of moment orders.a our In take to comes waiter The “Just somethinglight,”shereplies. “What are yougoingtoeat?”Iask.knowshe’llhaveasalad. around,and looks know,”She “I too.” mother a am “I says, she rest much get don’t I myself. to time needed I’ve Mom. “Soon,

74 ALEX REYNOLDS scoops of ice cream and kindly anointedwith oliveoil and herbs. My miniature like presented plate, each on cheese goat of chunks three are clock on the wall behind her until the waiter brings out our salads. There epe h dnt up t h sgt f h sn elcig f ofmetal off reflecting sun the surfaces. of sight the at jump don’t who people love-struck jovial, for It’s off. drop the and dinner between in teeth their gum they chew afterward. Gum is for people on dates who can’t brush mint aspartame-sweet the and consumed they’ve pies apple the taste to deep breathing, breathing in the exhaled breaths of happy people. I want of bite a takes and lettuce, impressed nods withherspeech. She again.” start and up pick you when did, about it.” too.” this through get can you know I and mother, good You’rea then. since come you’ve far now,strugglinghow you’re look like but just pregnant, poised tointimidateElla’ssuitors. flag. He’d pretend to be the big, bad Southern dad with his gun in his lap, the with American painted one probablythe loves, rockershe the of one outside CrackerBarreland theworstIcanimaginehimdoingissitting in Management, Business MBAin an has father.He my as colorful as isn’t rocker. Kevin his off went he if do would Kevin what wonder I Instead is supposed tosayinthesesituations. a daughter I neverknowwhat true. with.” roomguest home. Hewashorribletolive somanytimesafteryouleft that point.”I’mbaitingher. on me criticize shouldn’t you so Dad, to talked “Younever fork. my on shower atnight.Whydon’tyoutrytalkingtohim?” cheese onmyplate. I ask. “Why’d you order a goat cheese salad if you don’t want the goat cheese?” plate. as he’s gone, she rolls two of the cheese chunks off onto her empty bread mom gives an I remember my book. I focus on breathing, mindful breathing, mindful breathing, on focus I book. my remember I “Things work out in the end. This chapter will end like that one talk to want don’t “I mouth. my in sour goes cheese goat The were you out found you when struggled you “Christine, “It was probably just the cancer talking,” I say, but I know it isn’t “Kevin is a better man than yourdad. I locked myself in the grip firm too a with salad my in leaves wilted the away push I “Christine, Kevin worries about you. He hears you crying in the ofthe all eat to Iplan mound. first the split I fork, my With “I onlywantalittlebit.” mmm tosignalherapproval andthanksthewaiter. As soon *

75 ALEX REYNOLDS flanked with cars on both sides. I watch other people in the lot.They inthe people other watch I sides. onboth cars with are that flanked spots any into squeeze to have won’t I that so away far park I them quickly, hardly looking at what he swipes over the glass barcode glass the over swipes he what at looking quickly,hardly them “You deservearaise.”Istrain to giveasmall,pretty laugh. withholding hercredit card. herethan stretchingwoman a me, processto checkout talking the out by How are youdoing?” to brightenmyexpression. I try me be. Mom wantedhimtolet girl. told meIwastoosternforalittle cigarettes, toThomas. his name, and leaves the line. My eyes drift from the candy, the gum, the and wait.Iforgot peanutbutter. and away. I put my items on the belt, place another divider behind them, out him edging energy my feel doesn’t he hope I and goods, his behind An oldermanwaitsinfront ofme.HethanksmeafterIputadivider least asifIamonlyfollowingroutine. at or cheerful, relaxed, appear to aim and store the of front the to head I jelly, the find I After checkout. the during act should I how wonder I as of bread.because itishisfavoritetype Texasof loaf a Toastand Ella Kevin for for crackers up pick I three, aisle a cheapversionofgarlicmarinarasauceandplainspaghettinoodles.In her, justasithasbenttoward me. in his line. She preens while she speaks to him. His head bends toward Freeze-Pops and smile back at him. His eyes return to the high school girl at theregister. Hesees me andnods. I stopnexttothecardboard vatof is Thomas inside. step I when me hits conditioning air of currentA cold couldn’t remove the inkspotitleftbehindforaweek. I wallet. my for purse my in dug I when fingernail index my under skin slid down therearview mirror. Mykneeshitthegravel. A penjabbedthe pointer finger under my jaw like he was checking for a pulse. My fingers grip, his the feel I notebook. my in about write to like don’t exception. I no what is is This time this and neck, my against metal of sensation the feel car,I my of out step I time Every up. rolled is windows my of each blissfully pushcartsandtalkonthephone.Iunbucklecheckthat clunk of my skull against the driver’s window.driver’s ofmyskullagainstthe his thumband Heput After I drop my mother off in Dedham, I go to the Star Market. Star the to go I Dedham, in off mother my drop I After The black conveyer belt feeds my items to Thomas. He scans He Thomas. to items my feeds belt conveyer black The “Thanks, that’sthedream.” there be rather would He home. go to wants He say. I “Oh,” “Alright, justworkinghard. Been here since nine.” “Good. Mymom and IwenttotheCapetoday. Ihadanice time. dad my Sometimes down. turned wilted, probably is face My “How are youtoday, Christine?” heasks. signs shakily card, credit a with pays man the niceties, After line. that join four,I number so checkout at working is Thomas I pick up a basket and head to the International Aisle. I choose ready.the at keys car my keep I storeentrance, the to walk I As Remember the seedless jelly Remember theseedless , I think I ,

76 ALEX REYNOLDS to buy anything obscene, especially not another hot compress or box of box or compress hot another not especially obscene, anything buy to Tums. I needed feminine products. I needed sleep aids, but I didn’t want reader. Iwascareful toavoid items thatcould embarrass me. Ineeded I makemesses.Messes me. me. I’m messier than thepaintspinnerhissistersentEllaforherbirthday. he prefers to bealone. He’s never had a problem managing Ella without listen tohisfootsteps.Hedoesn’t comedirectlyI wonderif kitchen. to the go tothegym can’t handlethewearandtearofordinary life. inside rots, ruined by the sweet and the acidic substances alike. My body the and holes creates that plaque forms Emotion too. ridges and fissures forms, and coffee, tea, and wine attack like guerillas. Maybe my heart has plaque cracks, the in stuck gets Food teeth. ridgy have I me tells dentist The teeth. my from stains marinara the scrub to toothpaste whitening Tonight,smile. will Kevin so way use this will it I likes Ella and kid, a as spaghetti eat I’d how is This sauce. red plain the just dish, the with to go meat make don’t I children. like eat to prefer who people fills Pasta walk outside,stillbiting,Idecidetoshopatanothergrocery store. my teeth around the blubbery skin on the inside of my lower lip. When I my skin. nearly panickedinthefrozen foodaisle. who woman the am I me. about special anything isn’t There handsome. He’s complexion. clear a and eyes soft has He cash. the handle Thomas watch register,I the opens he As change. my for wait and twenties two thirty-one seventy-seven.” be “That’ll is, says he all me, at up looks Thomas When says. he them,” I say, “Paper. Isn’tthattherightchoice?” shampoo. “Paperorplastic?” don’t wanttofeelstudiedorpitied. shouldn’t have gone out there withyou.”I try nottomake eye contact.I their brand’sshininghousewife. chocolate German like smile me made none cake, but cake, food angel and snickerdoodles, cake, coffee baked already I’ve mix. Crocker Betty Kevin comesinto thekitchen.Iturntogive a “Hi”thatsounds I so hello, a out call doesn’t Kevin opens. door the six, Around I standoverapotofboilingspaghetti.Pastamakesyou well. clamp and bags, my gather I smile. a with say I you,” “Thank touching without hand open my in change the places Thomas over pass I so inside, cash enough There’s wallet. my out fish I “I think so. They’re supposed to be better as long as you recycle My embarrassmentballoons.Hewon’tlookupfrom the scanner. lavender my scans he as says he apologize,” Don’t alright. “It’s I day. other the trouble in you got I if sorry I’m “Thomas, , itcries.Ishouldseeadoctor. * I am unfit am I , it cries. it , I should

77 ALEX REYNOLDS and stands behind me. His arms wrap around my waist, and his chin his and drops ontomyshoulder. It’sworsethanaBarillacommercial.waist, Ialways my around wrap arms His me. behind stands and soft before Igobacktotendingmyvatofswirlingnoodles. He walksover shows agreen telephone,andsay, “Hello?” Michelangelo re-appropriated. I pick up the device, press the button that clouds, the in other each for reaching hands two of graphic a with up lit page, front the on was phone The ad. Shack Radio weekly a from model “Live, Love, Laugh,” and find a Nokia phone underneath. I recognize the I purchased for the sake of its size without much care for the embroidered, loving, so I search. seems that way a in me at looking is Kevin but jump, me make and ring I won’tknowhowtouse.It’llbeepand the ownerofacellphonethat nods atme.Ibeachmystirringspoonandturntohim. Elise.” Iremember thetunefrom myhighschoolerapianolessons. Kevin to mewithhisphoneear, andsmiles. number,turns a dials He stove. the on us of three the for carbohydrates of supply sufficient a have I because pizza ordered hasn’t he that hope mouth isnexttomyear. know that’scontrived.It’stelevision.ThisIcan’tjudge. I followthesignaltocouch.knowwhatitis.I’m now “Go see,”hesays. “What isit?” “Für of version digitized a It’s plays. song a room, living the In pocket.I ofhis out phone cell his pulls and off backs He “You don’thavetodoanythingforme.” His loud. are words The says. he you,” for surprise a have “I Mindful breathing , I think. I move the decorative pillow

78 ALEX REYNOLDS gliding. tips hispalehorn,dripslight into yourpalm.Fourswans(oh,swans!) Midnight. A song(wrappedinsilence)unwindsyourear. Themoon VI Same apocalypse. must askforwhatyoureally want.Thehorseskeepgalloping. Scarecrows are black.Bonesare white.Isthere noroom forgray? You V without stilettos.Whataboutthem? And themothers? behind. Hashelosthisappetiteforwinning? And thewomenwithor who heis. You knowwhathedoes.Themanwiththewhitehatlags Enter theguyonhishorse.Thecharacterwithblackhat. You know IV have beguntodream ofhemp. it theLisinopril?TheElevextransdermalpatch?OxyContin? Your fingernailsare dirty. Insideyourskincrawlantsofagitation.Is writing leavethintraces.(Your thoughtsorhis?) is black;thepaperonhisclipboard iswhite.Thesmallblackantsofhis every gradationinbetween.Hisfingersare paleandslender. Hispen Enter thepsychiatrist.Hehasknowledgeofblackandwhite III What doesitmeantogiveandtake? can youdobutcoveryourfaceandgoinside? desperation. You shovelmountainsofsnowfrom yourfront walk.What The Arctic ismeltingfast. A small,blackshadowclingstoyourfeetin Follows theradianceofwhite.Thehard sunarcs intheemptysky. II tree onthehillbeyondhorizoncastsitsshadowunderafullmoon. your shirt.It’sokay. There is—afterall—theyinandyangofthings.The Let theshadowsfallwhere theymay. Allow themtoclingthefoldsof Slip outofyourbasicblack.Findyourselfsomedirtanddig. The worm—andIknowyouthinkare one—afterallhashisjob. I VARIATIONS ON A THEMEOF E va BLACK -M aria S her You

79 EVA-MARIA SHER looping SportsNite recaps of the game I just sat through, dash to bed at bed to dash through, sat just I game the of recaps SportsNite looping endure I Then Mets. sober,the watch especially to hardincredibly ball’s Tristan asleep in his room, watching later,Mets’ and games to later their nights, bitter end. Al-Anon Base her on up wait over.I blow it’ll hoping altogether,talking avoided I’ve out. move should I guy the course, I’m because of means, Which separating. about talk should we maybe that Book displayedsoit’sobvious I’vebeenreading it.Shesighedonenight (from me, of course), even though I attend AA meetings and leave the Big those people want tovomitmoussaka.Didthatstopme? her made toes disgusting my suckling fish of prospect the that moaned be fun?” “Youhand. subway,”the McDonald’s on your eat can “Won’tsaid. I that ear, “Doctorfish?” my in mumbled He cigarettes. and pot-belly me, to up sidling Sharpie, black a chewing been he’d like looked He gloves. fingerless through les Of allthethingstoprotest. werefeet veins. Bulging herefish!” “Go chant: the Imagine them. feed to PETA’s jurisdiction extend to fish? Maybe they do starve the fish, but my state A infectee. an not protesterssenator gleamedat infector,front inthe spread.page Sincewhendoes an I’m infection. bacterial and fungi about laminated brooding door, locked A the up! from me boarded taunted clipping was newspaper Fishy Something me.” hurting you’re LIPS LIPS. all was It brushstrokes. white like speckled sailboats Hudson, the into but Poughkeepsie, view.earthy,the That cascade from about green less cared Tristanhave out could pulled train the as side river the on seats planting tinylipprintsonthegreasy window. Here Iwasracingtoget nibbles. That’s what I was calling the fish pedicures now, Treatmentlittle the my into for slip Room I’d maze Hamburglar’s the in lost got Chenguang owner the Tristanand while Fishy,and Something kid had to eat. We’d grab a Happy Meal in Times Square, tramp down to the first but aquarium, the to son our take would really.I lying, wasn’t h Mdtraen rie a m vrin f lAo. call I Al-Anon. of version my was cruise Mediterranean The Rebecca this, before months four Mykonos of island the On Tristanhustled I addressan with steps subway the down my in knuck cracking club, strip a outside door next loomed man A “Daddy, hand. Tristan’s squeezed I Manhattan of heat the In I wishedhadbrought EveryonePoops to distractmysonfrom I aquarium. the to Tristan taking was I me, grilled Rebecca If The BrainWashers DOCTOR FISH K eith . They warn Rebecca to detach with love with detach to Rebecca warn They . S tahl my little nibbles - - .

80 KEITH STAHL time wesaidgoodnight? Rebecca’s headlights in the driveway, pretend to sleep. When was the last time. Notime.” less, God-sized black hole. She pointed to her watch. She was saying, “No me through awormhole to ourevolutionarypast.Nextstop:God. guided fish The space. of black deep the against peacocked clouds lous glided high abovetheisland of Mykonos. I shotpast theringsofSaturn.Nebu then minnows, the with one azure, in frolicked I din. funhouse carnival distant a to faded tourists splashing of hoopla The smoke. like needle togetthegoodpart. didn’t jump.It’slikeheroin; youhavetoendure theinitialshockof the death. Hundreds ofmouthsnibbledmyfeet.Iwantedtojump. ButI emnly nodded.Iplungedbothfeetintothefishtank. sol woman the and breath, my chair,held my gripped I cloud. silver a at night. attendant stoicallyendured mydecayingfeetlikeRebeccacomingtobed woman The green. and yellow brittle, and curly toenails, Flaking socks. Whatever. I’dalready seenreal Venice. TristanVeniceLittle to go would me. without Go fine. said I me. without and it with wearing sandals going with socks. Soak away, just off she said. She better didn’t care. She was and I that medication, cholesterol my doctor saidtreating my“disgusting”toeswouldinvolvemessingwith my facebecauseshewantedtogetLittleVenice. Ireminded herthe in Onychomycosis rubbing moussaka, the about thing the said Rebecca walks and I follow. But I sort of wanted to try the doctor fish. That’s when She signal. the I knew seized hand. Rebecca Tristan’s fish?” “Doctor fin, dressed like a fish thumped me on the shoulder, beckoningwith his fury marinating their feet in fish tanks. A woman crooned, “Ooh la la!” A guy ing themhappy? happy,someone want you when love it Is idea. mak you be to has it but the lasttimeshelaughedlikethat?Outofcontrol. Notsarcasm. was When laughed. actually She star. movie a like dress sun Rebecca’s poofed air cold of blast a and opened door the Then Nutella. with sweet tiful in that dress? dress shops, played hide and seek in the clothes racks, into Rebecca escorted I Tristanand breeze. humid the on wafting gyros WewereFamily, a Chora, of pavement stone the along ambling Then shesaid, “Fifty euro.” The spa woman cawed, “Naughty, naughty,” her mouth a tooth Then Icrashed. spa the through drifted I levitated. I happened. it when That’s the to orgy.exfoliation gluttonous Frenziedhierarchal, Savage, like clustered minnows The tank. the above feet my hovered I “Fifty euro,” shesaid. my off peeled I cucumbers. and tide low exuded spa fish The were Tourists Spa. Fish Mykminnows the thronged Cruisers I was the one making her laugh, really. Because this trip was my Cartier forbade us entrance because Tristanbecause us entrance forbade Cartier sticky- was Isn’t mommy beau - - - - -

81 KEITH STAHL “No, no,no.” a dw a u-esc Lk Ssm Sre o Grae a. Tristan Day. said Who Garbage man.” “Hey,air.little rancid on of pockets at Street face his scrunched Sesame Like cul-de-sac. a down was because RebeccaworksonSaturdays. Tristanme taking with Saturdays, on city the to traveling meant that So ter thecruise ridingthetraininfrom Poughkeepsie formylittlenibbles. hattan, near Port Authority. I burned my sick days within four months af drink. Noteverybodywhodrinksisanalcoholic. cup. Iremember a having her with I wasfine them. lips. Icantaste those clothes tighter. Who was she trying to impress? Her lips teased the plastic Bloody Mary.” was ourlittlesecret. window, the against gled attendants, flight bobble-headed the icked just Rebecca but smiles, all stared attheseatinfront ofher. was attendant The looking. was nobody sure make to pretending up, it playing package, after package me eled shov attendant The don’t.” you if tell won’t “I pretzels. and peanuts for stop. to me told policewoman a Then same. the wasn’t it but TreviFountain, in feet my soaked secretly I gelato, for line Tristanin and stood Rebecca was, Doyoumind?Nowshewasdrinkingtopunish. Tristan were finishingtheirdinner. and Rebecca ship, the on back room dining the to it made I time the By nows woman gave me a freebie becauseIwas such a good customer. Nothing. safe thatwasinourcloset.Itmysobrietydate. the to combination the remembered finally I couch. the on crashed had ing herself up for dinner. It was formal night so she’d take forever. Tristan I pulledout.hadnomore cash.Iswear, thefishpouted. said, she but Express, American the for wallet my into dug I h ades h gy usd Smtig ih hd ie me given had Fishy Something outside guy the address The Man in Fishy Something located I states, the in back day First her and shorter hair her wearing good, looking was Rebecca a have “I’ll seat, the from up looking said “Actually,”Rebecca We used to gettankedontheseEuropean flights.Rebeccamim asked I cart. bar the from soda ordered we home flight the On or Rome.When Sicily, or in Crete, fish doctor find couldn’t I “Three glasses.” it Then me. of front in drank never Rebecca DWI first my After Rebecca waivedherwineglasslikeatrophy. “Ihadwine.” “I gothungupattheexcursiondesk.” Mykmin The euros. hundred two blew I ship. the off slunk I “I saidokay.” “Okay?” “I’ll meetyouguysatdinner, okay?” Back on the ship Rebecca was barricaded in the bathroom, mak They’ll hear you! The absurdity of everything of absurdity The Coffee? Kaffee?Coffee? Tea? Tee? Igig ------

82 KEITH STAHL A dusty dehumidifier droned and rattled in the corner. So much empty much corner. So the in rattled and droned dehumidifier dusty A dinge. linoleum just lights, fluorescent no mirrors, No sure. wasn’t I but that? I descended the steps of a basement storefront. The sign said Salon, cops. They were fawning over his purple fingernails. He saw me, twisted ground. Icrunched through theupendedmanicure table. Please remain where youare situated.” beer a like boomed God hawker atCitiField. of voice The painting. religious a like was It else stirred. holding theirbreath. over. bucket ofhungryfish. pool. the of surface the off floaters dead get atWalmart. Itsmelledlikeseafood. you fountains indoor tiny those of Waterone fromhibachi. gurgled like boom-box. Businessmen reclined on rugs around an inflated kiddie-pool hind me. box onhishead. Meal Happy the with chair Chenguang’s in spinning was either.He ca, I’d to Rebec want tobecaughtmasturbating.Ididn’t want himblabbing hiding atrapdoorinthefloor. fingernails red. scissors were piledlikebuildingblocks.Chenguangwaspainting her execution. space. Achair loomedlikeanelectric chair. singleswivelbarber Likean Tristan was lounging in the barber chair, coddled by two female past thehealthinspector.I blitzed Iknockedhisclipboard tothe investigation. an is This Health. of Department York “New light. blinding the block to arms my raised I opened. hatch The I waswoozygettingupso fast. Iboltedupthestairs.Nobody I heard shouts. Tristan. were fish the Even gaped. businessmen The froze. geishas The I heard a scurry overhead. Then a crash. Like a drum set tipping Geisha 1 I closedmyeyes.“Thesefishare primo.” A girlpaintedina a Japanesesteakhouse.KotomusicpwangedfromIt waslike a be shut slamming door trap heavy stairs, the down plodded I “He alwaysalright.” “Will hebealright?”Iasked. I didn’t want Tristan witnessing my little nibbles any more than I squatandheavedthedooropen. “Do youmind?”shesaid.“Itooold.” She hobbled to the far end of the salon, kicked away a throw rug “Hey, Bud! You findme.” and brushes and Paints table. manicure the to darted Tristan tappedmyshoulder. “Sake?” Geisha 1 T-shirt serenely skimmed a film of film a skimmed serenely T-shirt Geisha 2 Geisha poured inafresh pickle - -

83 KEITH STAHL to getdown,buttheofficers restrainedhim. darkness. Planked walls and wooden beams. It was more hoarder’s se darkness. Planked wallsandwoodenbeams. Itwasmore hoarder’s ammonia. I breathed through my mouth, let my eyes adjust to the earthy and squawks. I breathed sawdust, the mulchy aroma of dry dog food and son. I’d put him through. I owed him something. I owed something to my never beensohappytobeinPoughkeepsie. train. NotafterOperationStingray. me, with than detox. I needed the bathroom. I needed to wake Tristan to bring him faint The closed. and open sucked ed airgushedwarm from the lavatorylikeabellowswheneverdoor like film through a projector, only everything was in reverse. Urine-scent on the river side, so I had to watch the banks of the train tracks whizz by Poughkeepsie. We had to sit backwards, and it was sickening. We weren’t flesh, peckingatthedorsal.Theshark rolled itseyelikeNosferatu. at the pilot fish. Happy, little zebras clinging to the man eater, nipping its tion. ButI wasn’t lookingatthesharklikenormal people. I was looking drifted by. The primordial killer, perfect in its terror, suspended in evolu gasped. Silence.Itwaslikeachurch inthere. An oceanicwhitetipshark is adrug. cream sundaes, the online sex. No better than Facebook. A drug is a drug My shockatseeingSomethingFishyboarded up?Thatwas myself in Tristan. And I’d be damned if I dragged my son down with me. sliding off his higheyes cheekbones. Maybe it’sdroopy wishful thinking,sad, but I stillthe see with Rebecca, mostly He’s teeth. bottom those crooked all fish, the like protruding jaw barracuda, a at grinning was He sidewalk, sockssquishingandbunchingatmytoes. the down scuttled Stingray.I Operation by Wassermann,ensnared accountant, Bud their appreciate not might clients boss’s My face. my hide “Yes.” think aboutit. rsa hsttd lk i ws tik usin Lk h hd to had he Like question. trick a was it like hesitated, Tristan “Is thisyourfather?” The bell tinkled and the floorboards creaked. Yips and chirps and Yips creaked. floorboards the and tinkled bell The “How ’boutanearlybirthday present?” IpulledintoPo’Town Pets. In the car I pondered Tristan in the rear-view mirror. Everything But I white-knuckled it. I made it to the end of the line, and I’ve Little nibbles.It’sallIcouldthinkaboutonthetrainbackto An eerieshadowerasedourimageintheglass.Everyone I swore off doctor fish forever. No better than the casino, the ice At the aquarium I contemplated Tristan’s reflection in the glass. Tristanhoisted I to culprits. for scanned cameras news Outside “Can Ijustgrabmysandals?” “Bud, we’re cuttingyoua break. Getyoursonoutofhere.” Chenguang was a grey cloud. They drove her out in handcuffs. Daddy’sa littlesick , because I couldn’t leave him alone on the on alone him leave couldn’t I because , chink pwa of iPods. This was worse was This iPods. of withdrawal . - - -

84 KEITH STAHL bulged with chew toys and dog collars and leashes. Tristan reached for a wrack body. wire little A over Tristan’s teetered bags, fifty-pound litter, kitty- of Amountain ceiling. the to rose pillows Dog shop. pet than cret great accountant,one day. My Mother? last. Always. Onenight theMets were coming on and I skipped books are strictlyordered: I tucked Tristan into his Shrek comforter and lay next to him to read. The fast in bed, all the comforts of home. It was Rebecca’s Al-Anon night, and underwater,skillet sizzling a breaklike sounds it and sand and pebbles my head under the surf at thebeachwithtidecoming in; breakers sift holding love I nice. was It Distant. wind. the like breathed filter air The water andI’dneedawholedifferent set-up. “little minnows.” who had little children swim between his legs. Tiberius called the kids his Tiberiusemperor Roman the about story a with me entertain to decided Oranda Goldfish,aMainganoCichlid,andGreen CobraGuppy. Cap a a Red fish.Crown Five selected Betta, gallons. Tristan Tail five for settled I so equipment, the all with bucks two-hundred over run would “biological filtermedias.” called something sterilizers, ultraviolet kits, test and cycles nitrogen are returns. Marine or freshwater? Planted or fish-only-with-live-rock? There ers, “You liketheLongFinWhiteCloud?Canyousay‘Otocinclus?’” Cichlids andPeppered CoryCats.HesoundedlikeapedophilicMr. Rog hand gangling on Tristan’s shoulder as he pointed out the Electric Yellow son, my to close crouching him like didn’t I but fish, his knew Rick bles. who neededashave. Waldo?Where’s mid-life a button, belly outy there, out right ovulation and spread and bulge T-shirt,every his through grew hair Chest bench. squeaky zombiefoot,knockingafloppymallard tothefloor. Tristan cackled at the defecating animals like he has a thousand Tristan’sroom. of corner the in glimmered aquarium new The “Blue Paradiseitis.” Finally Tristan pointedatoneofthetanks. “No biggy,” Isaid. salt- they’re informed was but fish, pilot sold he if Rick asked I Tiger Barb,BlueParadise.Tiger Barb,BlueParadise. He lollipop. a like net green little anticipation, in hunched Rick Tristan’s eyesfloatedfrom the Tiger Barb,totheBlue Paradise. “You haveonemore.” tank small a even But fish. the more the tank, the bigger The “Oh, yeah?When’syourbirthday?” “Look. Thekid’snotevenfour, yet.” tax K-1 multiple than complex more are aquariums learned I He led us into a room, a big closet, four walls of glowy fish bub Rick lumbered upbehind the counter. Itwas more likeajudge’s A tired voicedriftedfrom thebackroom, “You canleaveit.” rsa dmne I tr al h bos vr H’l ae a make He’ll over. books the all start I demanded Tristan Where theWild Things Are first; Everyone Poops Are You - - -

85 KEITH STAHL funny anymore, butIguesslaughing’spartoftheritual. times before, and I laughed because my son was laughing. The book isn’t most depressing songeverwritten. water. there to telluswhattodo you andme fish lullabies. the air. Itwouldbelikethe sun notcomingup.Itoldhimbubblesare like off turning God like be would It bubbles. the off turned we if die would fish The warm. fish the keep to hum to has heater the that and filter the three toothbrushes. Tristan’s Spidermantoothbrush. His tinyteeth. to get the lights to flash. I tried to imagine the toothbrush holder without Tristan’son sneakers stepped I closed. eyes my with fridge the to taped yo-yos. Tangled quicksand. Don’t Break theIce like figures action up sucked Legos loose Saint Joseph’s. court awardsdays ofrehabwho neededninety custodytoafather at night inmymostfatherlyvoice,turnedoutthelight,closeddoor home. new wife’s My home. of comforts the TV.All screenKeurig. Brand-new was coweringinthecorner. Behindthestuffed,man-sizedBarney. the fish.Theminnows.doctor could think was how the tickle of Tristan’s face on my arm was a little like I all but moment, father-son a was It me. into back fell laugh, little a out feet poking through the bed board; Ned’s bed is too little. Tristan coughed coaxed himinto of round another promising by but purchases, book of charge in Rebecca’s because Tristansquirmed store. pet the at bought I It was time to turn out the light, but I opened a Dr. Seuss book Dr.Seuss a opened I but light, the out turn to time was It Finally I collapsed into the living room couch. It hissed like it like hissed It couch. room living the into collapsed I Finally the song, lullaby Rebecca’s Sunshine,” “YouMy sang, Are I So A real lullaby. Then Tristan saidsoftly, “Sing me a I sang, “Octopus’s Garden.” When I got to Tristan wantedalullaby. hiss through to air need bubbles, need fish that explained I “Daddy, Ican’tsleep.Canyouturnoffthebubbles?” And there wasTristan. room family the In jellyfish. a like house the around floated I Rebecca would take Tristan away. It was as certain as death. No My skinburned.Iwasinverted.insideout.saidgood “No monster,” Ilied. A microwave oven, still in the box. Unwrapped bedsheets. Flat- Something quiet. was I then but monsters, for around banged I “Daddy, willyoucheckthecloset?” I hovered outside hisdoor. Tristan calledme back in. furry character’s the at look closer a for head Tristanhis raised , it was like having a baby carrot stuck in my throat. my in stuck carrot baby a having like was it , One Fish,Two Fish . I ran my hands along Tristan’s bumpy finger paintings , and my eyes stung like they were open under open were they like stung eyes my and , . real lullaby.” We wouldbesohappy Everyone Poops No one . I

86 KEITH STAHL tracked theirpitchingrotation. even me, with basesloaded Mets the followed once Rebecca out. an the buy couldn’t and walked Dickey losing. were Mets The deflating. was amends. The ninth step, I think. Maybe it’s the tenth. I’d rest on the edge up sopping knees, my to my spillagain.Itriedtopray, muttered sank a broken, little,“Fuck.”I’d make I scissors. own my with over and over on hisface,tobestabbedby ownfather. runningTristanlike was it scissors but with shock The them. on fell who the firsttimein Tristan’s life,Iyelledatmyson. cameras badgered Tristan andmefrom behind. Stingray.Operation of coverage to News’ linked Action as comment, No I Klein. D. Jeffrey Senator now.you, illegal Thank they’re course, of But tor fish, from the rivers and streams of Turkey. They feast on human flesh. tunnel; here comesthetrain! They just pursed their lips and popped little bubbles. Try some! Open the bait. like surface the near feet my splashed corneredthem, I left. the into foot right my with them chasing them, tricking away.tried swam I they could peelthrough allmylayers.Itwaspurely medicinal. that power only the were fish that rationalizing jam, toe my examined Sober Bud,butheiseasytoignore. Always from hide can’t I cruisers. police of mirrors rear-view the from me scolds drive, to not me warns drinks, counts who Bud Sober Always No lullabies.books.ItuckedTristan in,gentlebutfirm. the living room coffee table. I’d figure this out tomorrow. He had to sleep. and lurks. disappear. rsa dse t hs om Awy Sbr u sabd me stabbed Bud Sober Always room. his to dashed Tristan Et tu,Daddy? was It Tristan’sfilled. towel. eyes a with feet my hide to tried I “Jesus, Tristan! Are youspying?!Getout,Tristan. Justgetout!” life, my in time first fromthe feet for my and yanked tank, I the “Daddy, Ican’tsleep.” doc rufa,the Garra needed I out found laptop, the for lunged I But the fish didn’t bite. They ignored me. I wiggled my toes and I dunkedmyfeet. I asleep. was Tristan sure be to inning fifth the until waited I I gruffly toweled fish water off the living room floor. There’s this on down it sloshed from room, tank Tristan’s fish the ripped I “Daddy, Ican’tsleep.” bed from slinks he Sometimes Again. Tristan. was there And Ball four. I’d handlethis.Itwasn’tlikewehadboozeinthehouse. Ball three. I should have called someone, but I lost my AA phone numbers. Ball two. me make leather, the under me suck would couch the Maybe Ball one. -

87 KEITH STAHL whistle. I was too late. Tristanlate. my too fish, was to I addicted whistle. was I asleep. fast was of Tristan’s bed and admitthatI’mnotDaddySuperstar. his over grinning Rick Pets, judge’s benchlikeaknowing accomplice. Town Po’ to door the jingling was I then wine wasstillontheendtable, untouched.Ipoured itdownthedrain. ing surrounded byahalo. be like glimmered. was aquarium It The innings. flickered extra Mets in The BrainWashers. teeth, perfect with women party,laughing after-hours intimate some at reclined her saw her I barstool. a on perched brushing she Lycrathroughas bra-strap incidentally hand strong a imagined I dress. black tight, that in ass her sheathing out, go to ready getting Rebecca pictured I and barroomfloor,sticky a like smelled wine The echo. hollow that pop, less harm that Just shrapnel. or explosion deafening no hand-grenade,but a like agenieinbottle.Itwistedthecork.Itfeltpulling theringfrom enough, andwentupstairs. us outofthewater. the endofday. Likenormal people. Liketheold days. Before Iblew abandon ship.Punishme.Ormaybeshejustwantedaglassofwineat I’ll so unbearable life Make house. the of out Protection, of Order plode, had alcoholinthehousefortwoandahalfyears. can attend Al-Anon, soshecanwork.Onlymoveout? water abruptly STOP. the making by pipes the clatters and FULL-BLAST to faucet kitchen the snaps mayonnaise, and ketchup the rattle to enough just shut door tor cried himself tosleepbecauseofme. just son my and closet, Tristan’s in Walmart a opening was wife But when I neared Tristan’s door, I heard that rhythmic, nasal rhythmic, that heard I Tristan’sdoor,neared I when But “I needanEheim Classiccanisterfilter.” “Fifty-five gallons.” “What’s thebiggesttankyou’ve got?” But myself. with joked I fish, turkey.Cold cold week a went I But I drifted to sleep, and when I woke the next day that glass of The room. living the to it ferried and glass a myself poured I just slam, I squeezed the neck of a an opened chardonnay, swirling quite the wine not sink, the into bowl her dropped She im to me pressing wine, the with me baiting was she Maybe “We havewinenow.” “What’s upwiththewine?” hadn’t We wine. of bottles three saw and fridge the opened I “We havefishnow.” “What’s upwiththefish?” “How wasyourmeeting?”Iasked. I couldn’tmakeeye-contact. She glowered overabowlofgranolalikedoganditsbone. I don’t get her anger. I stopped drinking. I babysit Tristan so she Rebecca clankedaround downstairs. She punchestherefrigera What kindofcandleare youburning?Wild SeaGrass.

- - - -

88 KEITH STAHL

around her. enough tohidemynakedfeet. out. She teetered in the doorway, extending her arm like a gate to keep Tristan draped myfeetoverthesideofaquariumlikeagiantfish-hook. works away. nights thatRebeccaandTristan spentathermother’s. on thoseSaturdaycurious. Iwasonlygoingtonibble might havegotten Rebecca but lock, inside an adding about thought I house. Tristanthe in or Rebecca with pedicures fish no be would there so inside, the from it tion of basement, my plywood fortress. I keep it padlocked, but can’t lock Rick’s Hyundai. Garra rufa.” food either, Itakeit.” . I cracked a Perrier, kicked off my slippers, rolled up my slacks. I slacks. my up rolled slippers, my off Perrier,kicked a cracked I . “Got that.” “And an Azoo titaniumheater.” “Got it.” I’m sitting on the couch, unfurling my pants. I’ve added it up: it added I’ve pants. my unfurling couch, the on sitting I’m “With Tristan!” “Are those…fish?” “You were driving,Rebecca.” “I’m allowedtoslur. You’re notallowedtoslur.” “You’re slurring.” “That’s whatIsaid.” “You mean‘gin’?” I stoodtallandlookeddirectly intoRebecca’sbloodshoteyes. “Oh, Bud,”shesaid.“Are youmaking…chin?” peek timidly to Tristan allowing arm, her dropped Rebecca “Get himout,Rebecca.Please.” I shot from the water. I stood on thecouch. My arms aren’t long shadow.flickering Rebecca’s at opened They eyes. my closed I “Ooh. You guysare hungry.” I picked a CD, Handel’s I slidmydeskout,thecouchin. “Hey, guys.” I moved papers from a card table hiding the tank, lifted the table Like tonight. I set it up in my home office. It’s not much of an office, on just asec sticker bumper Christian-fish the about right been had I the get you when thousand a and now, thousand a need “I’ll I shookmyhead. fish “Youwanting audible. barelyquivered,be voice won’t His “I don’tneedasubstrate.” Rick cleared histhroat. “Whataboutsubstrate?”hesaid. I tinkered withdogbiscuits. “And thefish…” Water Musicand Music for the Royal Fire - -

89 KEITH STAHL the in wine the plane, the fridge, cominghomeatthree inthemorning. on drinks the restaurant, the in drinks the like nothing happened. If I see her at all. We’ve been sleeping so far apart the minnows. to over feet his turns reverently and lead mother’s his follows he Then ing herfootintothedoctorfish. Tristan,to fromme Tristan,glances to She me tank. sink the slowly into the tank.“Would you?” together. We’ll allgetintheboat.TheWholeFamily. boat the into get to need we I, and Rebecca fish. of bucket a in foot one one footonthedock or you’llfallin.I’ve had one footintheboatand and boat the in foot one have Youboat. can’t a like is sobriety say They one. apermanent her old-timer,better.that do knits. woman, I’ll who that And one Maybe the find we until sponsor AA temporary her be I’ll My wifeisanalcoholic. I’ve never seen her this drunk. She’ll regret it in the morning, act “Aren’t you “What?” “Aren’t youjoiningus?” It’s late,pastmidnight,Sunday already. “I couldgetusedtothis.” My wifecloseshereyes. pew. church a in sitting like first, at squirms Tristanand jumps “Come here, littleman.SitnexttoMamma.” “Rebecca, please.” “Tristan, honey, takeoffyour shoes.” “Rebecca, comeon.” “My God,Bud.” She plungestheotherfootin,spillingsomeonfloor. “My God.” Rebecca pours herself onto the couch. She dips one painted toe “Comeon,Reb.Let’sgo.” Rebecca kicksoffherheels. “What’s itfeellike,Bud?” “Let’s goupstairs.” “What’s itfeellike?” Fish watersparklesinRebecca’seyes. “I don’tknowwhatIwant.” “You don’twantthat.” “You wouldn’t?” “Can weallgoupstairs?” of edge the to saunters Rebecca me?” for it trade you “Would “I wouldn’ttrademysobrietyforanything.” “You peoplethinkeverybodyisanalky. You’re jealous.” “Rebecca, youneedhelp.” “Now you’re addictedtofish.” the ropes. first her her AA show to I’ll her meeting. take I’ll But joining us?” -

90 KEITH STAHL been gone. she’s long how guess to sometimes, spot warm her waking feel I up. without other each weeks for go and come we that bed king-sized the in want toholdboththeirhands. “Move over,” Isay. I takeoffmyslippersand roll upmypants. I hand. Tristan’s hold to want I hand. Tristan’s holds Rebecca

91 KEITH STAHL *Piece originallypublishedin July 2015 Cambridge, MA whatever, I’vegotlotsofworktodo on thebus,fuckin’tourist,lightupthatcloveciggie, tramp stampandexit,takeyourmalldyekitwit’cha,back tell yourcheeringnuggetstositthefuckdown,followyomomma’s as theladieslaugheddarkly folio, thescentedcandlesthatwereally madeinthesummerbackyard to cackleasyourmanicures dare totouchmygrimoire, my my practicedskillslinger, occultandotherwise,youcontinue whatever, i’vegotworktodo picket fence,skyscrapercondo,euro cottage,subzero fridge, that bundleofwildwoodsage,tobringhomeandburnnextyour precious, justshop,andapplaudyourselfinmyparlor, buy thing asthemodernvampire you can’tgetanecktattoo,princess,andthere isnosuch spilloveryourbroken rabbit’sfoot.no, of slaughter’ll goddamn hoodie-wearin’child,andherfriends,myred runes you willnotfuckwiththegoddess INSIDE A SALEMPARLOR J ake Coe Review T ringali , December2015.

92 JAKE TRINGALI 93 Andra Emilia Fenton was born in Mexico City and moved to the United the to moved and City Mexico in born was Fenton Emilia Andra Immersion Differently A chapbook has been published by MIEL in 2012, Carolina Quarterly UK. Herworkhasappeared inUKandUSmagazinesincluding the in living currently scientist and maker writer, a is Dellschaft Neele nvriy f eta Msor, e a set h ls dcd focused decade has writing last His journalism. music/sports the and poetry,music on spent equally has he Missouri, Central of University the Writingfrom Creative in minor a with Psychology of B.S a Holding City,Kansas of out based multi-genreartist a is Hodson M Zachary MO. won the2016Rash Award forFiction(Broad RiverReview). the story South Million Writers Award 2015. Her story, We are all Nobody, Best American Nonrequired Reading of 2014, and she was nominated for Review in an and bookseller appeared recently a have poems and stories librarian, book-dealer.Her antiquarian a as worked has and London, College, graduated from Brown University, received an MA in English from King’s to settlingdowninConnecticutwithherhusbandandtwo sons.She Sam Grieve was born in Cape Town, and lived in Paris and London prior based psychotherapypracticeinWyncote PA. mindfulness- a maintains and Psychology in MFAPh.D. a and Poetry in Review has beenpublishedinnumerousjournals including literary Has Breath Rag), Street (Main of of author laureate the poet is PA, County 2009 Montgomery and others, among Prize, Non-Fiction Creative the AROHO and Prize Poetry Letters New the Ferleger,of Doris winner around financesindevelopingcountries. International and writes forastartupfocused on changingbehaviors City University of New York's Graduate Center. She translates for PEN the at Writers’Institute the at Fellowship Fiction a completed she 2013, In Brazil. in leaders health training and journalists, Cuban imprisoned of behalf on Nations United the at advocating Hill, Capitol on lobbying States as a teenager. Most of her work has revolved around human rights, A cappella Zoo , amongst others. Her work received a Notable recognition in The recognitionin Notable receiveda work Her others. amongst , , Poet Lore , hascomeoutlastsummerwithDancingGirlPress. , another last August, (Main Street Rag), and Rag), Street (Main , CONTRIBUTORS Daily Fiction Science , , L.A. Review L.A. Lighthouse Journal When You BecomeSnow , and , NANTES Leavened South Carolina South Review and the , Forge , and a third chapbook, (Finishing Line), (Finishing (Mayapple Press). Her work Her Press). (Mayapple , Big Silences in aYearBig Silences ofRain PANK International Poetry Review I ComeHome and IMove , and , Southern Indiana Southern . Sheholdsan As theMoon 111O Cimarron Call Itan , the .

94 CONTRIBUTORS has justbeenpublished. Atherton Review PersimmonTree in appeared has fiction short Her in thefallof2011; itsactiontakes placeduringthegoldrush of1849. novel, historic recent Her press. sailing the FL Keys. She is a long-distance sailor and her non-fiction often appears in Harbor,Key Boot in sloop their on live husband her and she winters the Elizabeth Buechner Morris lives by the sea in Marblehead, MA; but during largest collectionsofindependentandself-publishedbooks andzines. city's the of one hosts Books Uncharted and scene, publishing DIY and in Carolina North Chapel Hill of in 2008. Tanner University is heavily the involved in Chicago's from underground Writing Creative with in graduated Honors and Carolina North rural in lived Tanner Chicago, to the won which neighborhood, Chicago Reader'sBestNewBookstore award in2012.Priortomoving Square Logan Chicago's used in a Books, bookstore Uncharted of owner and author an is McSwain Tanner Journal Review in Sean McCarthyhasnewstorieseitherrecently publishedorforthcoming Narrative BeginsLeaking collection, story his and Press. He is also the winner of the What Books Press Fiction Competition, a Small Brown Bird and Press, Newer York form available is chapbook, fiction a a work for each day of the year, is available from Silenced Press, Prize from Nonfiction Creative the of winner 2012 the is He Prize. Pushcart The for twice for the Best of the Web, three times for Best of the Net and six times Memorial Poetry Award fromnominated Oleander andhasbeen Bitter Review Review of American Review Council Coordinating translation andphotography. Hiswritinghasappeared in publishing, the editing, fiction, poetry, in and work his for Magazines Commission Literary Arts Seattle Artist Arts, the Trust, for Endowment National the from awards and grants Rich IveslivesonCamanoIslandinPugetSound.Hehasreceived Magazine Trading including outlets, online and print numerous in featured been Review december , , , , , amongstothers. , Hayden’sReview Ferry Fiction Daily, Binnacle Quarterly West Leveler . , Thin Air GlimmerTrain , , Conclave , and others. A collection of her short stories, , Skidrow Penthouse , The EveningStreet Review , a book of poems, is available from Bitter Oleander Bitter from available is poems, of book a , magazine. Dublin Quarterly and many more. He is a winner of the Francis Locke , IowaReview , isnowavailable. , Main Street , The Balloon Containing theWater Containingthe 2BridgesReview , Tunneling to the Moon RedSavinaReview , Iconoclast , The CaribbeanWriter , , Poetry Northwest weber studies Massachusetts Review Massachusetts , The Sewanee Review TheSewanee , Bitter Passage Janus , Royals Blue, , , Slow Trains , The HurricaneReview andFifthWednesday , a book of days with , Virginia Quarterly , was published was , , aa’ Pacific Hawai’i and Without You Verse , , , Lightfrom TheChiron Northwest WordRiot The Deli Sharpen Futures , North , , , ,

95 CONTRIBUTORS oty ms rcnl Vlo i Mletn 07 n Sao Pa 2013. Play Recent workhasappeared in Shadow and 2007 Millerton of in collections Villon recently eight most poetry, published has Norcliffe James poet Zealand New Keith Stahl's work has appeared, or is forthcoming, in to about is adopt aLeonberger puppy. and gardening enjoys Medina, Ron, in husband lives her She country. with Washington adopted her in life outer and inner her earlier, years off left about wherehad humor she up without not writing taught, arts, married, and raised expressive a family. and Once the literature children left for studied college, she picked she seventeen, at States created Sher Eva-Maria poems almostassoonshecouldspell. United to the After emigrating II, War World of end the at Germany in Born University Creative Writing M.F.A. Program inthefallof2016. She is a RoanokeCollegegraduateandwillbeattendingtheHollins Editor ofthe 2016 Content Alex Reynoldsservedasthe City Review Adam Reger'sstorieshaveappeared inthe Fiction Review have appeared orare upcomingin currently is he learning howtoavoid freezing to deathinhisownlivingroom. where His poems Wisconsin, northern in College Technical Area Nicolet at time full University.teaches State He MFAMexico New from TexasMAreceivedNorth his O’Casey of Ed University fromthe his and by Victoria UniversityPress in August thisyear. Quebec. A newcollection Medellin, in Festival Poetry in TroisInternational Rivieresthe 2011 Festival in and Colombia Poetry International XX the in part took he 2010 Salamander Boston PoetryMagazine Review Grande rock punk his include publications bars, 2014, July of Since performers. habitat burlesque of a sprinkling a in and shows, thrives He restaurants. rad runs He Angeles. Los in currently is and WestCoast, the down and up then and Coast, East the down and up lived He Boston. in Tringaliborn Jake was and Textual Studies English on the Creative Writing in Track degree at Syracuse a University. pursuing student undergraduate non-traditional a Corium Per Contra , and , . Keith was nominated for a 2016 Pushcart Prize, and is currently is and Prize, Pushcart 2016 a for nominated was Keith . Tulane Review , , , andotherpublications.HelivesinPittsburgh, Pa. West Trade Review Prick oftheSpindle Gargoyle , The CommonlineJournal and , The ManhattanvilleReview , andothers. pacificREVIEW Dark Days at the Oxygen Café Dark Daysatthe Flash FictionInternational . , Landfall Ghost Town Berkeley PoetryReview , Euphony , , Apeiron Review Spillway , New OrleansReview Your Impossible Voice , Poetry Quarterly , , The CincinnatiReview Oddball Magazine Nro, 05 . In . 2015) (Norton, The MadisonReview will be published willbe , Catch &Release Roanoke Review , Cold Mountain , , NANO Cream and , , Rio , . , ,

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