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Th e New Hampshire Gazette, Friday, October 16, 2015 — Page 1 First Class U.S. The New Hampshire Gazette Postage Paid A Non-Fiction Newspaper Vol. CCLX, No. 2 The Nation’s Oldest Newspaper™ • Editor: Steven Fowle • Founded 1756 by Daniel Fowle Portsmouth, N.H. Permit No. 75 October 16, 2015 PO Box 756, Portsmouth, NH 03802 • [email protected] • www.nhgazette.com Address Service Requested Th e Fortnightly Rant Another Fine Predicament A fortnight ago, there was a in history as a partisan charade plan. John Boehner would spend actually intended to hobble a his fi nal month as Speaker per- challenging political opponent, forming certain House-keeping Mr. Won’t-Be-Speaker. chores, so as, in his words, not McCarthy’s injudicious use of to “leave [his] successor a dirty language is only one, and perhaps barn.” (Befi tting a man of his the least, of the possible reasons humble origins, Boehner was be- for his withdrawal from the race ing modest; as it is presently con- for the Speakership, though. stituted, cleaning up the House Much as we hate to sully these would be a Herculean task.) pages with lewd rumors of erot- Kevin McCarthy would then be ic shenanigans, the Republican elected Speaker, and Congress Party plays a large role in civic af- would go on about its business. fairs, and therefore that is some- To quote Rick Perry, “Oops.” times often perennially necessary. Boehner’s impending retire- On October 6th, Rep. Walter B. ment had come as a bit of shock, Jones [R-N.C.] circulated a let- despite being widely anticipat- ter among members of his caucus ed. McCarthy’s renunciation asking any candidates for a lead- of a likely Speakership came as ership position to withdraw from more of an earthquake — or per- the pending election if they have haps a Sharknado. In retrospect, committed any misdeeds that though, his non-election to that might embarrass themselves, the post seems almost inevitable. Party, or the House. Th e position, after all, is called Th e Washington Examiner re- World’s Most Successful E-mail ligious fanatics to have veto pow- House: So therefore, Vice Pres- “Speaker.” ported on Jones’ letter the fol- Harasser” who “has mocked er over its choice of Speaker. ident Cheney for Speaker.” Words can be seen as useful lowing day, noting that Rep. Bob those who try to unsubscribe One more factor might have Having failed to cho ose a tools; infi nite, varied, and precise; Livingston [R-La.] — who had and seemingly has no bounds to doomed McCarthy: the re- Speaker, and with yet another capable of being assembled into been about to assume the Speak- the language he will employ in verse-Midas touch of Dick “Still debt ceiling looming, the House, complex structures conveying ership — resigned in 1999 after exhorting conservative and Re- Dick” Cheney. Th e man who and the Senate, then proceeded magnifi cent thoughts. Th ey can smut peddler Larry Flynt threat- publican offi cials to take a harder assured the nation in 2003 that to go on recess. also be treated as random lumps ened to reveal the sordid details stance against President Obama, Saddam Hussein had nuclear Meanwhile, back on Planet of language which any fool can of an extramarital aff air. particularly over the matter of weapons said, on the night be- Earth, scientists say an anom- throw around willy nilly until his First thing the next morning, abortion.” Baer backed Sen. Rick fore McCarthy’s withdrawal, alous “cold blob” in the North arm gets tired. McCarthy seems according to the Huffi ngton Post, Santorum in 2012, but has since “Kevin McCarthy is the person Atlantic, off the southern tip of to take the latter approach, which McCarthy received an email concluded that “Santorum is tied we need as Speaker in these dan- Greenland, suggests that we may may be how he came to utter his from Steve Baer, a Republican to international abortion sub- gerous and important times.” have fi nally succeeded in slowing famous Benghazi!!! gaff e. fundraiser from Chicago. Th e sidies via his ties to the Global Sen. Tom Cotton [R-Ark.] the current known as the At- “Everybody thought Hillary subject line read, “Kevin, why Fund.” seems to regard wrongness the lantic Meridional Overturning Clinton was unbeatable, right? not resign like Bob Livingston?” A cursory search of the Con- way Mark Twain did whiskey: Circulation, with dire potential But we put together a Benghazi!!! Correlation may not imply cau- stitution reveals that while the “Too much of anything is bad, consequences for the climate. special committee, a select com- sality, but four hours later Mc- Founding Fathers (hallowed be but too much good whiskey is Current Republican thinking mittee. What are her numbers Carthy threw in the towel. their names) intended for the barely enough.” Politico report- seems to be — pardon the oxy- today? Her numbers are drop- Steve who, from where? You House of Representatives — ed Monday that Cotton had told moron — that cleaning up Au- ping. Why? Because she’s un- may well ask. fi rst-named branch of the gov- them, “I think House leadership gean Stables is gummint work trustable.” According to a 2013 National ernment they planned — to be experience really matters. And and should, therefore, be left to Way to expose the fourth-lon- Review article, Baer is a “Con- its central body, they made no as you know the Speaker doesn’t someone who actually believes in gest Congressional investigation servative Mega-Donor [and] the provision for wealthy, obscure re- have to be a member of the such things. And that ain’t them. Th e Alleged News® Th is Time It’s Harry’s Turn Republican Party Chairman Re- Or maybe he just doesn’t give a cloaked itself in righteous indig- “Hassan should demand his po- hy got in a good lick, leading his ince Priebus got his fair share damn anymore. He is retiring in nation and picked up its cudgel. litical operation stop meddling piece with this: of abuse in our last issue for just over a year, after all. “As disgraced former Senate in New Hampshire elections and “Nevada, land of casinos and speaking disrespectfully about Conan the Barbarian famously Majority Leader Harry Re- refuse any future support for her legal prostitution, ‘demonstrates New Hampshire’s First in the stated that the best thing in life is id’s handpicked candidate for United States Senate campaign.” what America is all about’ more Nation™ Presidential Primary to “crush your enemies, see them the United States Senate….” Hassan did call Reid’s com- than the fi rst-in-the-nation pri- Election®. Th is time around it’s driven before you, and to hear began a statement from State ments “as insulting as they are mary state, Senate Democratic Harry Reid’s turn. the lamentation of their women!” Chair Jennifer Horn. We’re not wrong,” and said “an apology Leader Harry Reid said Monday “I was always terribly upset For New Hampshire political sure what qualifi es Reid as “dis- would certainly be appropriate,” night.” about how we were choosing junkies, it’s hearing politicians graced.” Sure, he’s from a state &c., &c. She could not have sat- Having given Priebus the ana- our Presidents,” the Senate Mi- from other states gripe about our where prostitution is illegal, but isfi ed the New Hampshire GOP, gram treatment a fortnight back nority Leader said Monday in Primary. so what? It’s not like he’s David though, if she had called for Re- [Ruins Epic Beer], we had to do Nevada. “You go to New Hamp- Of course, when someone ac- Vitter, the Louisiana Senator id’s head on a pike. Reid, as well. We came up with shire, there’re not any minorities tually challenges our place in the who … well, just Google Vitter, On Tuesday morning a GOP Dire Harry, which seems ap- there — nobody lives there. You electoral process it’s like Brigid prostitute, and diapers. operative with a video camera propriate for a guy with a bit of go to Iowa and there are a few O’Shaughnessy shooting Miles Horn’s statement goes on to ambushed Hassan at the corner the honey badger in him. When people there but again, it’s a place Archer in Th e Maltese Falcon — demand that Hassan “immedi- of Bow and Market Streets in confronted on Tuesday with that does not demonstrate what you’re supposed to do something ately denounce these harmful Portsmouth. Following the Par- all the dudgeon he’d raised, all America is all about. … I don’t about it. Exactly what depends comments [blah blah blah],” as if ty’s money line, the un-named Dire Harry had to say was, “New mean to denigrate New Hamp- on your party. that might not occur to her. op asked, “are you going to accept Hampshire is heavily populated shire or Iowa, but they shouldn’t Reid being a Democrat, and a At this point she starts buying Senator Reid’s fi nancial backing and loaded with a lot of minori- be the ones choosing who’s going supporter of Democratic Gover- lottery tickets. Citing “the fi nan- after the way he insulted New ties, my apologies.” to be President.” nor Maggie Hassan in her 2016 cial backing of a Washington Hampshire?” Hassan’s fl ak catch- Perhaps that exercise band hit run for the Senate, the New politician who openly advocates er brushed him off . Th e Alleged News® him harder than anyone thought.