SMILING FACES Colby's own stu- Students exposed dent document tary films soon to to asbestos in be released By MEGAN CASSELLA dorm renovation STAFFWRITER Interested in filmmaking? So are infr ac- the 33 juniors and seniors enrolled in By PATRICK J . BERNAL were fined for committing NEWS EDITOR tions. the American Studies documentary Studen ts living in Foss-Woodman "The Depa rtment of film class, American Dreams. These during last year 's renovations were Environmen tal Pro tection became students get to invent, research , and not told the complex contained involved and both of the asbestos film their own documentaries examin- asbestos, or that its removal led to abatement companies signed consent ing the subject of their choice, all (his in citations and fines from the decrees and paid small fines," wrote only a single semester . Department of Environm ental Johnston in an e-mail to the Echo. When students of American Pro tection. A mother of a Foss resi- J ohnston later clarified the cause Studies 373 first came to dass dent said recently that she believes of the fines. Pr ofessor Phyllis Mannocchi asked asbestos released during the process "The firms were not fined because them to think of a socialissue in Maine made her son sick. She also believes the level of asbestos in the dorm that they would be interested in learn- the college lied to her, telling her that exceeded what was acceptable. They ing more about. Now, 3 months later no asbestos was present , when offi- were fined because there shouldn 't six student-produced documentaries cials knew it was. have been any asbestos outside of are dose to being ready for the silver "Paul J ohnston lied to us," she people's doors ," said J ohnston. screen. - said. "The y didn't tell us that they Documents obtained by the Echo The six films will be presented in were removing asbestos." from the DEP showed asbestos was Given Auditorium on May 5. Ihe films The mother did not object to the presen t in close proximity to stu- are traditionally shown on the last day fact that asbestos was being removed dents ' living qu arters . of dasses, and in die past large num- from the dorms , but was upset with According to Ben Farrell '0 1, a bers bf their fellow loyal students have the way the College handled the situ- Foss head resident during J an Plan turned out for the event, excited to ation. and second semester of last year, dor- show suppor t for the evocative stu- "This problem is hot uni que to mitory residents were not informed dent films. This year 's documentaries Colby, but the way they dealt with it asbestos was being removed from the cover a wide spectrum of social issues was disgr aceful. The deans weren 't dorm. in Maine. Topics include Waterville up front with the students or with the When the mother first noticed that fire fighters , pover ty in Waterville , parents ," she said. her son was becoming sick, she sus- ero tic dancing in small Maine commu- J ohnston did not feel the College pected that it might be from exposure nities, social life at Colby, life at one of had acted inappropriat ely. to asbestos , which is a common fea- Maine 's prisons , and Latina de "(I have) no regrets on how the sit- ture in the renovations of old build- Bodega, a small Latino grocery store ;ih uation was . handled ," he said. "Th e ings. Her inclination was so strong Por tland that services man y immi- companies we used were certified for that she took a tri p up to Colby to grants in Maine. that type of removal. To say that peo- investigate for herself. Once in Foss, Yet before this year 's American ple's health was put in jeopard y trou- she noticed a fiber lying iri the hall- Dreams documentarians ever picked bles me." way and in students ' rooms that she up a video camera , they prepared Both of the firms Colby hired to suspected might be asbestos. themselves for the heavy project that remove . the asbestos were fined by "I found it hard to believe that the lay before them by focusing on issues College would be irresp onsible that come up in documentary film. the State of Maine Department of AMITY BURR /THE COLBY ECHO Envir onmental Protection for mis- enough to leave the asbestos just A youngster enjoys the face painting fun at Foss Arts last week. These questions included questions handling the asbestos aba tement. lying ar ound , but I collected some in such as: Is it reality or art? Truth-tel|in g Environmen tal Mana gement Inc., a plastic bag, broug ht it to a lab to or . fictjon making ? Prop aganda or was fined .J.1,500 and ,D.H.. Pinnette have it anal yzed and sure enough, it objecti ve presentation? And, When do Asbestos Removal Inc., was fined was asbestos ," said the mother. filmmakers ' politics show throug h too $1,000. Results from the Dames & Moore much, distorting the subject ? In a DEP memorandum wri tten by labora tory show the debris collected Throug hput the semester, state ' Asbestos Coordinator Ed Antz, by the mother contained seven per- Morej on awarded Watson fellowship American Dreams students watched die presen ce of asbestos in Foss- cent asbestos chrysotile and five-per- various documentaries that explore Woodman that led to the fine is cent asbes tos amosite. By NICOLE WAKELY ed this to happen to her, Morejon ject they have designed in a place cultural and social issues. recorded. Asbestos is the common name for STAFF WRITER . smiled. "I never thoug ht I would of their choice. Documen tary subjects that this year ' s ' "While in the attic, Depar tment any of a group of fibrous silicate min- have the oppor tunities that I did Morejon 's father instilled a love da ss viewed include: homeless staff noted that there were penetra- erals resis tant to acid and fire. There comes a time in every at Colb y. To actuall y get the of fishing in his dau ghter and women in California , life in J apanese tions throug h existing attic walls Chryso tile asbestos , a one of the most senior 's life when they reach a Watson award is beyond me. It's because the family lives near the internment camps in the United States where asbestos-containing pipe insu- widely used commercial asbestos, has crossroads. On the brink of grad- unreal. " water, it has played an extremel y during World War Two, pornograp hy, lation had been removed ," the state- been connected to lung cancer and ua ting, they must make a decision Morejon , as a Watson scholar , impor tant role in their lives: "It AIDS- the story of Anne Frank , men t read . "Within five wall pene tra- the lung disease asbestosis. All new abou t what they will be doing for will be spending nine months in (the water) is a part of who I am Alzheimer 's disease, student activism tions and on the floor underneath uses of asbestos in the countr y have the rest of their life. For some, it' s Chiloe and three months in the and who my paren ts are ," she and pro tests against Vietnam at UC those wall penetra tions, Depar tment been banned. off to graduate school while others Philipp ines, researching govern- said. The idea for the project came Berkele y in the 1960s, and the women staff noted the presence of suspect It was af ter presentin g her discov- accept a job and start their careers . mental and fishing industry poli- to her when she was in Chile of Las Vegas (includin g showgirls , debris. Departmen t staff sampled the ery to J ohnston that the mother But none of these op tions describe cies. From there , she will talk with studying abroad. female construction workers and cab suspect debris . Subsequen t anal ysis became extremel y upset with Colby's what one Colb y student will be fishermen about their expecta- The nex t step? "I have to get a drivers). After viewing th e documen- showed the material to be asbestos- handling of the dorm renovation and doin g after gradua tion this May. tions and the legacy of fishing. plane ticke t and a visa. Then once taries both in and out of dass, students containing. " Gillian Morejon 'OO , recipien t of The purpose of her stay is to be I get there; who knows? " critiqued the films and discussed which techniques were effective and J ohnston also noted the contrac- See ASBESTOS, contin- the Watson fellowship, will be able to gather information that What she does know is when tors hired to remove the asbestos travelin g to the Philippines , and will allow her to compare the fish- she comes back from her year of which were not, in order to incor po- ued on page 4 to Chiloe, an island off the coast , of ing industry of the Philippines doing research she will have many ra te these ideas into their own docu- Chile to do research on the fishing and of Chile to hex native Maine/ stories and experiences to last a mentaries later on. industries of the two regions. Nationally, 60 Watson fellow- lifetime : Matthew Reeber '01, who is mak- "I always wanted to do a fel- ships are awarded every year. "M y pa rents , Professor Franko , ing the prison film explained the diffi- lowship, " More jon. "The hard Colby is allowed to nominate four and Professor Armor y- I blame part was choosing one ." students. The winning recipients them all for giving me these See DREAMS , continued FUN: When asked if she ever expect- receive $22,000 to work on a pro-; opportunities/ ' on page ?? Mrs. Fun opens 'memorably' f orthe Indigo Girls. Holocaust survivor shares personal testament By MICHELLE RIFFLEMACHER Holocaust victims, Isaacson acknowledged that the STAFF WRITER ' SHE TOLD STUDENTS OF A Pope's statement was not satisfactor y but admitted MEMORIAL TO HUNGARIANS that the Pope cannot be expected to fully amend the GAMES: World War Two may seem distant for Colby stu- faults of his predecessors , The Catholic Church , dents , but no matter how long ago it may seem, stu- WHO HAD DIED IN THE CON- Isaacson explained , was reluctant to take necessar y RyanDavis discusses dents ought never forget die terrible atrocities com- CENTRATION CAMP, BUT counter measures against the Nazis and apologies, mitted during the Holocaust. Many of those , who though a start in the right direction , do not make up TV game shows. survived the Holocaust find solace in relaying their BECAUSE SO MANY HAD BEEN for past fallings. \ - One professor was interested in Isaacson ' stories to others , MURDERED ALL THE NAMES s deci- On Monday, Apr , V, Holocaust survivor J udith sion to leave Hunga ry after the War and wondered Magyar Isaacson told tier story, "A Secret and Other COULD NOT FIT why she had not stayed to help in the rebuilding of Stories-Sel ections from Seed of Sarah: Memoirs of a her then devastated countr y, Isaacson explained thdt Survivor and Recerit VVritihgs," to Colby students to relayed several sad and depressing stories. In par- she would have stayed because she loved her coun- remind thieih . of the atrocities committed by the ticular, she told student s of a memorial to try, but hor husband was more important. LOSES AN Nazi' s, The lecture marked the second annual Hungarians who had died in the concentration A German student asked her what her attitud e Bcrger lecture on the Holocaust , a series endowed campp, but because so many had been murdered all today was toward Germans , if she harbored resent- ;; __YE: .m ' :\: : in 1993 by Robert Bergor and Patricia Downs Berger the nimes could not fit. ment and hate. Isaacson explaine d that she could '62, to promote Holocaust awarciiess at Colby, She also described a conversation she had with a never forget the murders committed by German sol- No, not really but, the Isaacson, a native of Hungary, was captur ed by Nazi collaborator. When slie asked him why he did diers but that it seemed extre me to hate Germans Int'l Extravaganza the Nazis and sent ; to Auschw itz and then to not refused to follow orders he retorted, had he cho- today because they had very little to do with the Hessisch tlehtehau, two of the most infamous con- sen to disobey his officers, someone else Would havo . events that took place sixty years ago, was "the best ever," centration camps , Following her liber ation, she met . taken his place so he might as . well fulfill the com- After further questioning, she decided to clow ¦ |! dn ' ' ' ¦ • " :¦ 'i 7 ___ . . American mands given to him, 7.7" .7. 77 . 7r , ' her lecture with a abort story entitled "The Nazi's •¦* ,- ,1 ¦ > , ¦ ¦ — ., , , ' "" . ¦ and manl ^d sen'i-reman. Pollowing /' ;, . ;, /f" • TT"" ^^ T77 ^T ^ ^ " t jsaacson daughter , It was a v OQl ii,„.„„ thelr !rt ©et|n& trie y irftrfti_tat ^(i;i« America ^ , f spoke of forgiveness as well "Wh y '' personal story about when she .Mi 'v , j lOriHlB „„i,i„i„„„ t, .I,,,,,,,,,.,,; PE, O i •! ¦¦ v 1 • In 19W, .she^ should I be the ohe.to forpive?" she asked. The obi-: befrien ded a Nazi's dau ghter . The two shared the . ' __ ' W_lfds , ^ »^W ^ ' B ' ^rr 7 mentiri g experiertw laborator ha ^ a wife, a priost , and other people to sam f academic interests , both wanting to stud y her ^ ;;| . /'Dtiyils Quoting Scriputre" u,...„;,..,.;.;;,..^;.pg!6 i«ceiv
^^^^^^^^^^ 7^jfr rf« *^_^^^^ rai ^S^T^rt *5«5^<^^ 3* I The Colby Echo The Colby Film Society: NEWSlBitlBtl^ ¦ 5921 Mayflow er Hill _--?•*- Waterv ille, ME 04901 i - -$&$t~ " An Intervi ew with Paul Lee deeply into movies, but in this case hours." I MATTHEW APUZZO, Editor in Chief By BEN SEXTON the • Honors on Campus * points made were definitely right on. To make students aware of movies' , Editor STAFF WRITER MEGHANN FOYE Managing Charney was a friend of mine from my educational value Lee and Charney Colby has two students that PATRICK J. BERNAl, News Editor BEN STTCKNEY, Assistant Sport Ed. Harold and Maude, La Belle et la dorm and afterwards when we were want to have all the films available in * have received honors of distinc- BECKY SCHECHTER , Sports Editor J ON SILBERSTEIN LOEB , Assistant Bete, Love and Death: these are not the talking about this movie we said to Miller library put out onto shelves to c tion. Gillian Morejon '00 has GEOFF WARD, Opinions Editor News Editor each other, 'Hey, lets start a dub.' make them more accessible. blockbuster movies that your average been awarded a Watson RYAN DAVIS, A&E Editor BROOK FUZSIMMONS , Features Ed. Colby student goes to see in Lovejoy Thafs basically how it all began," "The Colby library has an excellent Manager Fellowship to study the fishing MELANIE GURYANSKY, Pho to Editor VAL COOPER , Subscription s 100 on Friday oi Saturday night. But explained Lee. collection of movies, but a lot people Y O'DONNELL , Photo Editor PIPER ELLIOTT , Ad Repres entative industry off the coast of Chile JENN The Colb Film Society, a dub started In discussing the importance of the just don't know very much about it," ABBIE NEWCOMB , Layou t Editor . KATIE RAUCH, Ad Represe ntative y for 9 months. David Flamiglietti '02 and Noah Chamey Film Sodety,Lee focused mainly on the Lee said, "Many students go into town by Paul Lee '02 '00 has been granted a Fulbright aims to show mere artistic and merit- use of films as an instructive tool and to rent movies that they could take out Teaching Assistantship and The Colb y Echo is a weekly newspaper published by the students of Colb y- worthy movies to the Colby communi- as a form of art, not just entertainment. from the library for free." While he Fulbright Travel Grant for College on Thursday of each week the College is in session. ty and bring movie watchers more in He believes that while the producers of acknowledged that it would take a sig- Germany for next year. touch with what lies beneath the sur- movies know the influences their com- nificant amount of funding to build Letters face entertainment value a . the movies positions can have on the viewers' val- new shelves and remove the old ones, The Echo encourages letters from its readers , especially thos e within the • White Mules • immediate communit y. Lette rs should not exceed 400 words an d must pertain , to we watch. ues and opinions, the viewers them- he hopes that someone will sponsor . a current issue or topic at Colby. Letters are due by Sunday at midnight for pub- Started last year and sponsored by selves are often not aware of the direc- this cause in the near future. ., lication the same iveek. Letters should be typed and must be signed and include the Student Government Assodation, tors' greater intentions. Lee also expressed the hope that the Seniors Nicole Neat-It, Katie an address or phone number. The Echo will not, under any circum stances , prin t the Colby Film Society presents a film "One of the things that makes us Film Society would begin producing LaRochelle, Jea_inine Bergquist, an unsign ed letter , every Thursday night at 7:30 p.m. in American is that all of us have seen the some of its own movies using what he and Sarah Toland were named If possible, please submit letters in Microsoft Word or text format either oa Keyes 105. Accompanying; each film is same Disney movies and television described as "university quality" facil- All -Americans for the distance '• Echo reserves the right to edit all 3.5" disk or via e-mail at [email protected] . The a guest speaker; usually a professor, shows," he said. "I remember from my ities. Despite these great facilities, cur- medley relay. submis sions. COOT that althoug i " who discusses some of the background h all of us were from rently American Dreams is the only ,• Editorials and historical significance of the movie different parts of the country, all of us filmmaking class available to Colby •Department News • The Editorials are the official opinion of the pape r. Opinions express ed in the before it is watched. sang the same songs and talked about students. Lee also hopes that this will individu al colwruis , advertising and features are thos e of the author , not of the "The professors bring certain twists the same shows and films. Its amazing soon change, and that a filmmaking English Professor Ira Sadoff, Echo. to the movie that we otherwise may how much effect it has on all of us with- class will eventually be offered as a Jan- currently on sabbatical from not have been aware o£" Lee said, out our even thinking about it." plan possibility or semester long ' ¦ Colby on a Gugenheim Cootact Us "The information and background Through its presentations and course. Fellowship read his poetry this For information on publication dates or to contact us about submitting an speakers, the Film Sodety aims to Tonig the Film Sodety will be campus. they present help us more clearly ht pre- month at ihe National Holocaust ' article, please call us at (207)872-3349 or x3349 on make viewers more aware of movies' - For questions about advert ising and business issues, please call understand and evaluate what is going senting "Love and Death" with an Museum in Washington, D.C. , (207187203786. e-mail echoads @colbv.edu. or fax (207)872-3555. on the film." artistic value and teaching ability. This introduction by Visiting Assistant along with Nobel Prize winner The idea for the Film Sodety was understanding will help students to Professor of Philosophy Jeffrey Kasser. Czeslaw Milosz, National Book 207* 872*3349 echo@coIb y.edu developed last year after a presentation better evaluate who they are and the In conjunction wifh the Art Department Award winner Gerald Stern, and of the movie "The Usual Suspects" by effects that movies in general can have and Media Services, the Film Society Marge Piercy. Professor David Lubin, wiho is abroad on individuals believes Lee. will be sponsoring the Ann Arbor Film this year. Lubin discussed the charac- "I would really like to see people Festival. Originally started at Michigan * From the Admission terization ofthe villains in the film, and appredate movies as more than just State University and sponsored by the that these villains appeared to be of entertainment," emphasized Lee, "you Sundance Film Festival, the festival Office • Middle Eastern heritage corresponded can really learn a lot in a very short tours the country and features about 40 with American involvement in the time. While a book can be very long (chosen from 500) independent experi- In the Journal of Blacks in ; Gulf War. and difficult to read, a movie can con- mental films. The tour will be stopping Higher Education Colby ranked "A lot of times one can look too vey the same message in just two at Colby today. 34th in the list of American col- ! LOW leges and universities by the percentage of alumni listed in the venerable resource Who's Who. Colby has 331 alumni in Who's Who - 1.61 percent o_ | STUDENT 1 total living alumni. Yale, Princeton, Cal Tech, Harvard, and Columbia were the top _^_^_^_l Taj *y_a SH rS______l among ranked schools. {AIRFARES! • Heard ar ound the j | ^^^^ ¦^ ¦^^^ g^Z ^^^^^^^ H Water Cooler • Europe • Africa Asia - South America The geology department has | | * | updated its web page to include More Than 100 Departure Cities ! § Grand Prize $5,000 information on tlie stolen tour- I I malines and photos of the actual | | Eurailpasses • Bus Passes • Study Abroad | stolen specimens. Notice of the High Score Month of April theft has been distributed world | | | wide. I ___. ___>_ ___. shJdenr I • Life After Colb y « 6C3* univ erse t For the second year in a row si •com j of alumni of the Colby Eight, who \ S IT'S YOUR WORLD. EXPLORE IT. £. Thousands MSL^kcall themselves After Eight, ¦ placed in the Harmony : 1 * are _____U__ m Sweepstakes, a national compe- hilars tition for a cappella groups. The group also placed third in a dWWVJle * IflH eW recent competition in Boston, \\ www.StudentUnive rse.com I ? one spot better than the year mon «*•»! riNHL before. \ ] 800-272-9676 ! Off the Hill li — ^— ^-^^ —.—~—^— ^^ — ^^ — ^— ^—— ^^ ______^_ K. University of Iowa ( . ^^^^^^^ ¦ ¦ ^^^^^ ¦ ^^^ ¦ ^^^^ ¦ ^ ¦ ¦¦¦¦ ^^^^^ ¦ ^^^ ¦ ¦ ¦I ^^^^ H^HIH From The Daily Iowan ^ ______a-__-_-_-_^-H_H_flHi-^H-ffi-H-M ^H r ______H______H Following a three week span of ^^^^^^^ H ^^ |^H ^^^^ H ^^^^^^ HM ^ |H^HHHfl|H ^^^ H ^^^ |^H ^H ^^^ |H threats and intimidation aimed at minorities in the University of Iowa ^______Hl ______H College of Dentistry, students and % ^^^^^^ H ^H ^^^^^^^ |^H ^^^^^^^^^^ Dj ^^^ D^^^^^ H ^HH ^H| ^NH ^^^^ |^^^^^^^^^^^ H t& H ^^^ H ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ B^H ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ H staff members at the school said that this past Thursday's has left them '>^^H^^^^^^H^^^^^H^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^H *^^^^^^^ H|_ ^^^^^^ MN ^H ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ __H^_^H ^^^^^^^^^^^ ___H^UjnH^^^^^^^^^^^^B| ^^^ H| ^H ^^^^^^^ |Hfl ^^ fl with a sense of both relief and con-
______www.Co lkgcKn * _ owlcd s^ NET cern. The University of Iowa must now focus on reaffirming its commit- ment to diversity and getting back to the regular routi ne, according Ann Rhodes, the vice president for uni- JOKA 'S SPECIALS versity relations. ___ _ 12plc/bottlos On Thursday, the Public Safety Department at the university charged a 23-year-old Tarsha Corona ,_£/ Claiborne, a second-year dental stu- dent, with six counts of third-degree harassment, criminal trespass elevat- "-¦""" ——————— ——*------, j 2 plc/bottleB ed to hate crime status and threats in violation of individual rights. N Claiborne is accused of sending Hoopers ™ emails containing a bomb threat and $1 + other writing that Rhodes described as "extremely disruptive" and "terri- Ready when you are. Hooch fy ing for minority members of -he community". Claiborne, also a minority student, spoke with several , I2pk/cnnii local media outlets following the ^Q_^_ ^_ ^_ ^_ ^_ ^_J intial hate emails, saying that she ^^mLwkmSSBkwLw ej ^^^^^ H ^^^^ V Gr osch $T„ was concerned for her safet y. University of Illinois t From UWire Prepare online 24/7 with Kaplan, the world leader In teat prep, and gat accepted to your top-choice school . Open Sun.-Wed. until 9 p.m., Thurs. until This past Sunda y at 7:10 a.m. a 10 ,m Fri & Sat, until midnight crash was heard by students living simmmsRs P " - near the Universit y of Illinois f ^l_a_mtfp We now have the largest selection of domestic and Residence Hall cafeteri a. Apparently, _WB_"$3 \* import beers in Central Maine a deer Jumped throug h a closed win- dow, shattering It. Once Inside the T^^ ^WBBBBB _Ps^^^ ^ . cafeteria the deer then attempted to JSt 873-6228 jump through a second closed win- Pia^ Pi3oj Hp»iOOiii J OKAS' DISCOUNT BEVERAGES dow, again bre aking through it hut M *T r this time fatall y wounding Itself on IjJOKW S gg; 52 From St., WMervUle, ME the broken glass, according to Sgt, J ason Eversole who was at the scene. ' ' \W^—km : :M. t ' " Mt * . ^^^^^^ ^^ M^^^^ r??s! ^^^^ ^^^ ^^ ^^nTM T^ ^^ ^ ^^ M^^ ^ ^ ^^^ M^^^^^^ ^ ~^ M^ M ^ ^ ^^ M^T^^ M^^^ DREAMS: Students get opportunity to direct and design f ilms
tion of getting p_etty ugly. Ifs like the get the appropriate funding for the about a subject tliat is not necessarily 'Real World' only with five people on American Dreams dass because stu- well known in American culture," said no sleep under a lot of pressure and in dent documentaries are lareelv consid- Reeber '01. "I really have enjoyed the one tiny room. It ered controversial. group dynamic and working with should be interest- However, this is some Colby students that I previously ing. My group currently the only had not known. American. Dreams fe started in there on film class that an excellent dass and I think it is nec- Sunday and I'm offers hands on essary that Colby continues the pro- hoping everything experience to gram; the dass allows Colby to high- goes smoothly," Colby students. light aspects of the greater Maine com- said Davis. Yet students are munity." I Davis then pre- forced to work Last week, thanks to the hard work dicted only minor with old equip- of Assistant Professor of English, group collaboration ment, have limited Anindyo Roy and American Dreairis problems. time in the editing students had the opportunity to work " I have an room, and at times with London documentarian Partibhia image of the five of they are limited to Parmar. Parmai*, is considered a us extremely caf- what documen- renowned and progressive figure in feinated and taries they have the field, and showed her film Warriqr screaming at one another right on the access to and what speakers are Marks, which she made with Pulitzer third or fourth day. Basically, I think brought in to work with them, because Prize Winning author, Alice Walker. we'll all feel ifs worth it in the end. of the lack of funding for the course. The American Dreams class also We've put a lot of work into these films Ted Wallach '01, who chose the viewed several other documentaries and if all goes well, I think we'll be course because he aspires to become a by Parmar, and students were able to pretty proud to present them at the director, commented on the impor- work closely with her in a workshop to final showing" she said. tance of the course in his education at obtain ideas to incorporate into their The erotic dancing documentary Colby. own films. Positive group explores the controversy around "I want to direct student reception erotic dancing in small Maine commu- films and this is my to Parmar was nities. In addition to interviewing erot- chance to get a overwhelming, loyed by Bodies in taste of it at a liber- MELAN IE GURYANSKY/ THE COLBY ECHO ic dancers emp and many students American Dreams students working with docutnentarian Partibha Parmar. Motion in Lewiston, the members of al arts college," in the class the erotic dancing documentary group said Wallach. expressed theit interviewed the owner of Bodies in Davis only had hope that Colby continued from page- 1 difficult process. The group initially tem which Colby has in two studios on Motion, Father Phil, the Catholic positive feedback will give addition- wanted to focus on AIDS patients. campus. He also explained different Chaplin at Colby,the Waterville Police, about the class. al funding to the cult process of finding a subject for a When this idea failed, we collectively ways to use the camera, set up lights, and a psychologist from New York "This class is course in order to documentary. brainstormed and then chose to focus and tips for conducting interviews. City who sees several erotic dancers in definitely different bring more speak- "The film, which my group is pro- on the prisoners." Chinnook and students from media his practice. from anything else ers like Parmar to ducing, focuses on a small group of Many other groups also encoun- services will be on call for the The group is still in the process of at Colby I've ever speak on campus?* prisoners who live at a minimum secu- tered difficulty in beginning the pro- American Dreams students in these interviewing dancers. The interview- taken. Making doc- C u r r e n 11 y, rity facility in Thomaston, Maine. The ject, finding it difficult to get interviews last two weeks as the final filming is ing process has been time consuming umentariesumentanes is really interesting and the American Dreams students continue to men all served at least 10 years in the for their projects. completed and students move their and at times unsuccessful. Many erotic films we watch in dass have been a film and edit their pieces in prepara- state of Maine's 150-year-old maxi- Throughout the course, Bill work into the editing room. dancing establishments do not want to great cross-section of things to do and tion for their showing on May 5 in mum-security prison. The film aims to Chinnook, a documentary filmmaker According to Jessie Davis '00, each call attention to their business. Mark's not to do in our own films. There is def- Given Auditorium' at 7 p.m. Eveiyorte debunk the popular notions about pris- in Maine, exposed students to various group gets about five days in the edit- Showplace, a large erotic entertain- initely a lot of time that goes into it. The is invited to come and support the hard oners; these men made mistakes but documentary-making techniques. ing room to work around the dock and ment venue in Portland, refused to talk filming alone has been pretty demand- work and effort that has been placed they attempt to redeem themselves by Chinnook gave weekly workshops in try to cut everything down to 15 min- to the group. ing," Davis said. into these student documentaries. - ' •'; speaking to schoolchildren," said which he taught students how to do utes. In the past, it has been difficult to "The dass is an opportunity to learn Reeber. "Deciding on the topic was a film editing using the Media 100 sys- "The editing process has a reputa-
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Devils threats and crimes enacted upon quoting them prior to and likely following the vote, many took a step back and real- scripture ized smashed windows and degrad- Three to respect and appreciate: Dailey, Joseph, Weekes Jeffrey Oalareso ing calls were the daily life of homo- ing and added an element of Colby spirit and pride enormous minority. I feel this makes their accom- sexuals. They realized that the hate By ZACK KAHN STAFF WRITER over and above the usual belligerent taunting that plishments that much more impressive. That the expressed to them for simply consid- goes on, Guito and Coy have also seemingly been three people at Colby who I have noticed more guess I never expected to be say- ering a liberal bill was nothing in everywhere on campus on the weekends. The fact than anyone else as being student leaders are ing this, but kudos to the politi- comparison to what gay couples Because I messed up and was late in handing this in, it got pushed back to this isswc, that Guito is a freshman is also impressive, showing African-American says a lot about the quality and I cians of this country, No, not all lived with. So they passed the bill, , , To start, I would like to say that Colby can be a just how fearless he is. At parties dances and off- character of not only Guito, Coy and Tramaine, of them, but notably Vermont state If only John McCain had the same campus I have seen them in action. Coy and hard place to live and exist in for four years. Some of but also about the African-American minority legislators, John McCain, and Janet courage. Oh sure, he endured torture Tramaine made a great run at being President and the things that make Colby easier are the students here that they represent. While small, I feel that Reno with her armed and dangerous as a prisoner in Vietnam, but he took Vice-President and while they did not win I have no immigration officers. the low road on the issue of the who organize, partidpate, run and star in activities. this group has done a spectacular job of making a doubt that both of them will remain firmly within the place for themselves here at Colby and have not Lef s begin in "Vermont. Last week Confederate flag in South Carolina In this article I would like to recognize three students Colby activities process. I am more than sure of this , had the recognition they deserved for such an the Vermont Senate gave final during his campaign for president. who I, in my humble role as an onlooker think have simply because, as they have done all semester,they accomplishment. So this article is also in recogni- approval to an unprecedented bill He said it was a state issue and there- done an exceptional job of organizing, running and did a remarkable job at the bachelor auction on tion of them. offering marriage benefits for gay fore irrelevant to the campaign. But performing in Colby activities, at the very least, this Friday night. All three of them did. Guito just took couples, This despite strong anti- last week he admitted he compro- semester, For all the people who were in the Spa at his shirt off , but Coy and Tramaine ran the show and For all our talk about diversity and multicul- homosexual sentiments permeating mised his values. He admitted the the bachelor auction, or for anyone who went to a did a fantastic job for a great cause. AU three have turalism the end goal is to make us all one com- the state, While no official poll was flag is a symbol of bigotry and a men's basketball game -his year, it has been obvious been involved in more than what I have mentioned munity. We all have similar goals at Colby and taken, all reports indicated this was reminder of slavery and oppression, who these students are. They have been in front of similar needs, and as a community we need peo- and and have at least the same academic and athletic not the will of the majority in the Not only that, he admitted that the cj'OW'dB. behind^he- scenes have done an responsibilities as anyone else, yet they have found ple to step up and help us achieve those goals, Green Mountain State, In fact, many admitting this now, when his cam- amazing job of making Colby a better place. The extra time to give to the community at large. Guito, Coy and Tramaine have done more to legislators expect their votes last paign is over, in no way absolves him three people I would like to recognize are Coy Dailey, I would also like to talk a little about a slightly bring us together in social activities than anyone week will cost them their posts in the of his misdeeds. He said, "I will be Tramaine Weekes and G*iito Joseph. more sensitive issue: the fact that all three of them arc else in my three years at Colby.. This is something next election. But they voted with Earlier this winter Coy and Guito could be seen African-Americans. In our country and more specif- that irrespective of race, gender or anything else their heads, not their egos. See DEVILS, dandng and kicking, screaming and taunting, and of ically at Colby that makes this an "issue." I think that deserves respect and recognition. So, please keep ' And congratulations to continued on them. , cheorleading on the sidelines of the men's recognizing their heritage and skin color is impor- it up and know that you are respected and appre- Instead of runni g o t page 7 course n fr m he hate basketball names. They made the games more exdt- * tant. Espedally at Colby where they are such an ciated.
mm¥7^^^77^M ¦ ¦ ¦ li HM^JHif'^ ni "" S vw BiiwSll»ffi^^i(ip$_pJ^i™V__li!Xu_ -llI !!_l ' > __Hmil__l_^_B0_N__l_l____-_____vl___l ' ¦' ..^aP^SWHBHB p^SM ri.:^__-_--_-_-_---____--_---__----HHBHHI¦ ¦ ---l ¦ ¦ " K; - :; . ;: > . 7 7, DEVILS : Reno, McCain, BVZZED bV D.K. presents... Vermpnt know what's up cri tic__ed...for my late act of contri- lose sight of the right reasons , the tion. I accept it, all of it. I deserve it. good causes and the just thing to do. Honest y is easy after the fact, when Last week one of my favori te publica- my own interests are no longer tions, the satirical newspa per the involved." Damn straig ht Senator. Onion (www.theonion.com) ran a "You still bear the mark of cowardl y story entitled "Congress Wonders If hypocri te, but better late than never, Ifs Even Makin g A Differen ce ri ght? Anymore." The story was a fictional Which brings me to the Cuban account of desponden t politicians Idd. I don't refer to him by name lamenting their seemin g uselessness because he' s not a real person. He's to the American peop le. an appari tion, a ghost, a figment. As often happens with the Onion , He's a media crea tion for all I care. this one was funny because it so accu- But last week the Cuba n kid figured ratel y refl ected reality. Most of the into a grea t Stalin-esque triump h of time it seems politidans are utterly America. out of touch with sodety. All that The scene: pre-dawn , like Stalin seems to matter is getting elected, used to do, outside Miami. Three then getting reelected ad infinitum. •white, unmarked vans speed up to But last week Reno, McCain , and a the house; a slew of federal agents in group of Vermonters did what need- full don' t-mess-with-us gear ju mp ed be done — fully cognizan t of the out, guns-a-p lenty, force their way likely unp leasant aftershocks. into the house , take the kid from the Reno wasn't overly popular to arms of a fisherman in a doset, and begin with; McCain , well, his ances- are gone in about three minutes. Go tors fought for the South — he may J anet Reno. be ostracized from sects within his This story, quite frankl y, has been own family; and Vermont legislators boring the hell out of me for months may be hoping bigots have short now. This was just the jolt it needed. I memories that won't last to the next have no idea whether the kid should election , or better yet, they don't care. be with his father or his immigrant- I enthusiasticall y and sincerel y lelatives. I don't particularl y care. But commend all these acts of bravery. the two sides whining endlessly had My strongest hope is that others will run its course. Kudos to Reno for follow; the example is there. finally saying "Enou gh alread y." Too often ifs too easy to get J effrey Calareso is a weekly columnist for caught up in the jargon. Ifs easy to the Echo. Ending 1999-2000 on a positive note is hard work other stuff I can' t even remember good has come out of this year. here too much. As the stereotype horribl e, and the list goes on and on. Ward's right now. But criticism is the easier DESPITE ALL THE The Campaign for Colby was goes, we're all pamper ed students at But what will allow change at Words rou te to take, and I've used the col- CONTROVERSY AND extremely successful, increasing the one of the best institutions in the Colby, and change the stereotype of umn space for criticism the majority number of endowed pro fessor ships, country, and we're ungr at eful for Colby students as spoiled is when Geoff Ward of the time, so maybe ending the CONTINUED PROBLEMS contribu ting to new and renov ated how good we have it. While that we all stop complaining abou t year on a positive note wouldn 't be a SURROUNDING THE facilities on campus like the senior may amount for a portion of the whaf s wrong with our school, and bad idea. apartments and the Foss/Woodman complaints voiced on campus , and instead work to change things here. In actuality, I don' t have a whole REPRESENTATION OF renovations , and gener ally improving I'll admi t, in thi s column. But I real- Plenty of people have been work- year is almost over. There lot to complain about from this year Colb 's standing in the NESCAC, thus ly think the stereotype is wron g, and ing for change , but everyone needs The RACIAL MINORITIES y are reall y two ways I could go from a pers onal standpoint. For the providing fodder for endless admis- is used to deflect criticism. to get involved. Only then will about . looking back at the most part I've survived my sopho- ON CAMPUS, SOME sions propaganda. Colby has hired a Colby is a great place, and there 's Colby truly be a communi ty, only 1999-2000 school year in this col- more year, despite the occasional new presiden t, signifying the end of a lot we should be grateful for, but then will Colby stud ents stop being umn. With an eye on the fall, I could anxie ty attack when I realize that my GOOD HAS COME OUT the Cotter era, and Colby's entrance that doesn't mean that it can't be seen as pamper ed bra ts. easily wri te a summation of critiques college career is a few weeks and a OF THIS YEAR. into the new millennium. And... impr oved, and 3 think too often stu- They'll alwa ys be stuff to com- of Colby this past year, and call for few decent final exam grades from Ok, so maybe there isn't enough dents here are characterized as plain about and improve , bu t when I impr ovementsiover the summer for being half over and I still' don't knbw positive stuff for an entire column. If stereo typically spoiled, and their sit down to wri te a year end column the fall semester. And there was wha t I'm going to do when I gradu- and is by far the most evil aspect of there is, I can't recall a whole lot critirism is shrugged off when they next year, I hope there will be a lot dearl t t c i y plen y o ritic ze. Or I could ate. And I've been told by plenty Colby. But I'm determined to stay while I'm sitting here writing this. bring up what could be improved mor e to celebra te. wri te about what went well this seniors that my anxiet y is nothing positive in this column, so my real And thafs what reall y bothers me. about Colby. And hop efully I will have taken year. like it will be in a couple years, so I attack on the language requirement Why is it that all I can remember Lef s be honest , Colby could use a care of my language requiremen t. Thi s past child ish year has seen a should be gra teful for the time will have to wait. abou t what happened at Colby , this lot of internal changes. Student impeachmen t of our Vice President , being. My only real complain t with Despite all the controversy men- year is the bad stuff? I refuse to Government has turned into a farce, a hiring freeze on prof essors, a hal t Colby surrounds fulfilling the lan- tioned above and continued prob- believe that there wasn't a lot of we have a serious racial equality t , the Foss in dorm renova ions guage requiremen t, which has lems surrounding the repre sentation good stuff going on, but maybe we probl em on campu s, some of the asbestos controversy, t and plen y of become the bane of my existence. of radal minori ties on campus, some just dwell on the negatives of life dorm condi tions studen ts live in are Geoff Ward is the Opinions Editor PUZZO: My Colby exit Let's play , 'Who Wants to interview, p art II be a Game Show Addict? ' Continued from page 6 Maybe jus t make it an hour long and SPEAKING OF Vast ?"Who Wants to be a YOU CAN WIN FIVE do away with otherwise charming and extend the actual pub further Millionaire?" A ridiculousl y large GRAND ON Alex Trebek 's stilted interviews with along the path between the stu- FOOTBALL, IT'S Wasteland number of people, apparently. This contes tants , ("Well, Alex, I collect bottle dent center. "MILLIONAIRE" BY RIDICULOUS THAT Ryan Davis show is on three times a week and, caps from the 1940s." "How interest- remarkably ; it is always the three high- KNOWING HOW MANY ing! You must get a great deal of plea- Pink Notices THE FOOTBALL est rated shows. sure out of that!" "Not really.") I'm not really a huge fan of INCHES ARE IN A Tkebek recentl y slammed the ques- When someone on this campus TEAMS IN THIS ontinuing the something-I- " as being too "Millionaire ," but its been growin g on FOOT. tions on "Millionaire is sexually assaulted or beaten up CONFERENCE DON'T hate , somethin g-I-love pattern me. When it first started , I thought it easy, so Philbin invited him to appear in his room , everyone else C this column seems to be taking was a pointless waste of time, espedal- on the show. Trebek , much to my dis- HAVE THE SAME I really like game shows. I remember deserve s to know about it. A pink ly when you get questions like this: amusingly smarmy Kirnmel, appointment , declined , raising the coming home after elementary school DJ Jimmy notice hanging on the wall in the "What color traffic light tells you to who makes no secret of the fact that he unpleasant specter that he really isn't STANDARDS AS THE and watchin g the all-game-show after- basemen t of Bobs is not enough. stop?" And then they give you FOUR would not win anything if he actuall as smart as his tweedy image suggests. noon lineup on the USA network. y We have a campus-wide e-mail OTHER SPORTS choices, ono of which is blue! I'm not appeared on the show. Does anyone remember "Super "Pre ss Your Luck!' (('Big money, no system. Use it. kidding. But wh J eopard y!"? It was on in 1990 and fea- whammiesl"), quares " y is die prize just a measly How can we take back the night " Hollywood S Naturall y, the questions get harde r tured a prize of a quar ter of a million Performing Arts (Til take Shadoe Stevens to block! "), five thousand dollars? Thafs 1/200 of when we have no idea of the pres- as the show progresses , and I found dollars. Other than that , I don't "Supermarket Sweep" ("Next time what they give you on that other show. ence or absence of sexual assaul t that it is well nigh impossible not to get remember anything about it, other I'll say it again , one last time. you're at the checkout and you hear And the questions are a lot harder on and rape on this campus? swept up in all the mounting tension. " than that it was followed by a strange We need a performing arts center. that beep, think of the fun you could be "Stein too, You can win five grand on die time someone gets to the mil- TV version of "Monopoly. " I dp The Cha pel is not the venue for having on 'Supermarket Sweep!'), "Tic By " Millionaire " by knowing how many Rugby lion-dollar question, you couldn't drag remember the "Monopol y" theme the talented musicians we have Due Dough" (I don remember any inches are in a foot, 't me away from the TV, no matter how song, though: "Roll the dice / Ifs par- here at Colby, and it certainly isn't catch phrases from this show, but it was Another thing I don't like about this Let the men's rugby team use the easy it is, So far, I've known the answer adise But if you fail You go to jail ," .' the place to hear the world- hosted by a guy named Wink and fea- show is that each episode takes excru- / / football field in the spring. I can't of two of the thr ee question s that won But I digress. famous musicians we bring here tured a cheesy computer -generated ciating lengths of time to explain the take credit for this , t the top prize without hearing the Not to be immodest , idea bu I' ve for the Music at Colb y series. dragon) I watched them all, rules. Also, the audience applauds but I'm really ; amended the original idea choices. good at "J eopardy! " I watch it all the , which As for actin g, it' s time the PA At some point , all these shows dis- after every single questi on nnd laughs the football team on the , " put ru gby department had a facility that appeared and the game show became As fun as it is "Millionaire can be heartily each time a new category is time, shouting the correct answers at , , field in the fall. We hosted a national included a large performance hall somethin g of an endanger ed species, very irritating. The last guy who won introduced , severely cutting into the the TV even when I'm all alone. I've ' playoff game here, which is more (similar to Str ider, onl y built with Of course, that was until Regis Philbin everything took more than 15 minutes number of questi ons that Kimmel con even selected classes at Colby based on ,! than we will ever do for football. the intentio n of being a theatre , took over TV last summer , I think my on one question! And they broadcast ask, (Come to think of it, they never whether they'd help me to answer ,; Show the squad the respect it not a gym), and one or two small- standards have gotten higher over the every second of it, too. " I think ifs A, actuall y show the audience , I'm begin- questions on the show (MU111 is great; ' deserves. If the lacrosse team already er theatres like the cellar theatre years , Mow there aire only four game no wait, maybe ifs C.„" The contes- ning to wonder if there reall y is one.) for the classical music categories. ; has dibs on the field, rugby should at (again, only with all tlie specifica- shows worth watching as far as I'm tants are never really that bright , either: As a result of these time constrictions , Thanks , Professor Saunders!) That is; least get the varsity soccer field , tions and equip ment that come concer ned. An examination of the com- I' ve seen people lose on the first ques- the most I've ever seen someone win the level of freakish devotion I have for;* with a new building). parative merits of each: tion, Kind of sad, For me, "Millionaire " without beating Stein himsel f (an it. :. J ; , Football suffers from "Titanic " Syndrome—if s exceedingly rare occurrence) is about I like to tell people that my life's,! , good, but not nearly as good as its $1500. Not to sound crassly materialis- ambition is to be a contestant on!! ' Pencil Sharpeners ?"The Price Is Right" : Can only !' :, Speaking of football , if $ ridicu- trul y he appreciated during a snow astronomical success would suggest , tic, but in addition to doing something "J eopardy!" and I' m not kidding. I'm,; lous that the football teams in this My high school had them. My day in high school , The mix of Inlerise- Review Gr ade! B-! about down timo, this show desperate- even seriousl y considering going to the!; conf erence don't have the same junior high school had them. My ly complicated games ("Hole In One ") ly needs to offer a bigger prize. Review tryoiite they're holding in Boston June! itundardfl as the other sports. Add elementary school had them. Why and games where you have a fifty-flfty ? ma Ben Shin' s Money" This is Grade,' B 13-lt, Depending on how it goes, per- ,' tlie ninth game and allow the wln- can't Colby have them? chance of winning a car can be bizarre , a great idea for a show—the host him- haps you can root for me and my' her of the NESCAC to compete in I like pencils. I know others do Its amusing cominess has begun to self competes to win the prize , Plus, if s ? "J eopardy!" Tho greatest game Colby sweatshirt on the College! Div, III NCAAs, Colby -will never too , H one breaks during class, I'd wear thin, but ifs not really a bad on Comedy Central, so the questions show ever, Fast- paced, highly intellec- Tournament next year , Or perha ps I'm!; b"_ Ndtw Datiie, and It' s stupid to like to be able to sharpen it. show. Whenever ''Plmko " is on, it arid category names are often very tual , reasonable though not exorbitant living In a fantas y world , Review ! think that a successful football ¦ ' ¦ ¦ 1 1 1 makes tny week. And after all these funn y. And I love the isolation booth monetar y (pmponsation (putting It in a Grade: A ! - '» " ' , ' '' M " I . ' , I ' ",'! ' ¦ :, . _ i fasm will immediately lead to « -' .) J. '77' > 777:{ > . '7 . 7' i. '! ;¦:;• ¦/ years, Bob Barker li still one of . the finale. The hcMbi aw great, too--utter- logical middle ground between drop in admissions standards. Matt Apuzzo is the Editor in Chief , most Appealin g personalities on TV, ly deadpan Ben Stein with his smart " Millionaire " and "Stein"), there is "This www ii the /l+E editor f in\he\ ' ' ¦ uu ' 7 j ¦¦k7C^ .:J ' JRAviaw Grade: Cf' .: " • •¦ '7W suits and basketball sneakers and little I #ould change about it, mo, . ; ¦ m^7y 7;7:: y ^\ / y : . . ^ :- ..77r. - . \7 very mo i9 KmVm>\sV' ArtsPrfEn|L Jr tertemmArts and totertalnmentefit Editor: Ftyan Davis ^ April 27, 2000 Indigo Girls concert provides solid entertainment RADIL Thursday, April 27 t* By JENNIFER OVERALL THE * Social Sdences and Humanities ,*; STAFF WRI TER Lecture: Colloquium Series: "Christ , *. CONCERT WAS AN Shadows, Gongs, and Queer Spacei;, One never knows quit e what to The Voice of Claude Vivier's 'Lonel y;*; expect upon entering a concert EXERCISE IN Child,'" with Steven Nuss, Professor -; venue: Some musicians refuse to of Music Location: Philson Lounge,^ ' play; their crowd-p leasing hits, MODERATION. (THE Cotter Union. 12 p.m. , while . *. i insisting on new material INDIGO GIRLS) some rely on only the old * Accapella Concert: Colbyettes favorites , counting on the audi- PERFORMED Spa Concert: Location: J oseph Family ence participating and, most- like- Spa. 7 pjn. ¦*» _ ly, leiaymg satisfied. The Indigo ALON E BUT .4 Girls mesihed the two into a pleas- * Special Notices: 38th Annual Ann ing compound Friday night, ful- CREATED AN Aarbor Film Festival Tour: 23 new filling serious fans' wishes for a works by independent filmmakers in« taste of new material , and occa- INCREDIBLY RICH a 4-hour cross-country travellin g pro- * sional-listeners ' hopes of recogniz- gram, inducting a selection of award- able radio tunes. SOUND. ed and hi hlighted films from this. , g ¦ The concert , held in a nearl y year 's Ann Arbor Film Festival. Given packed Wadsworth Gymnasium , Their penetrating, socially con- Auditorium , Bixler. 7 p.m. ' attracted an influx of both scious lyrics and folky guitar riffs i Watervi lle residents and out-of- both soothe and invigorate , * Colby Film Society: Woody towners , making Colby students thoug h the crowd on Friday con- Allen's ""Love and Death," presented * the minority. Occup ied bleachers sisted of obedient listeners over by Professor Jeff Kasser Location: " " on either side of the room looked spirited fans. The women repeat- Keyes 105. 7:30 p.m. down upon a half-filled standing edly stated their gratitude for both area before the stage. Rows of col- listening and participating * Colby College Visiting Writers - ored lights reserved most of the (" thanks , y' all" was the common Series: Reeve Lindberg h will present ' stage , with microp hones and expression), and often encouraged the annual Edwin J. Kenney Memorial ' stacked speakers in the fore- the audience to join in at choruses , Non-Fiction Reading. Lindberg h is ground. After Mrs. Fun - the not so standing back and letting the the author of "Under a Wing: A fun opening band consisting only crowd sing. Memoir; " about growing up as thef of a keyboard player and a drum- The duo covered songs span- ECHO FILE PHOTO daug hter of Charles and Anne . mer - unleashed their futuristic ning all of its albums , including The Indigo Girls rocked Wadsworth Gymnasium on Friday with a collection of new and old favorites. Morrow Lindberg h. Arey 5. 7:30 p.m. ; and undeveloped sound , the hits like "Least Comp licated ," The show was the duo ' s second trip to Mayflower Hill, returning after the 1997 show. Indi go Girls took over, immediate- "Power of Two," "Get Out the * Performing Arts: "A Millennium; ly easing any anxieties that they Map, " and "Closer to Fine. " Ray 's mini-set. They concluded with was a very good show. Fans sang "The coolest part of the concert of Farce, Part2 , Sex Wars (notRrated). , would, in any way, mimic their solo performance of "Romeo & "Galileo ," again expressing their along, but faintl y. I didn't walk was that they were eager to have In Strider at 8 p.m. predecessors. Juliet " was especiall y illuminat- thanks before exiting. away raving about a new sound or the audience sing along with The Indi go Girls consist of two ing. The women, playing mainl y Overall the concert was an a particular song that shook me, them. They were reall y inviting, " Friday, April 28 women, Amy Ray and Emily guitars but also the banjo and exercise in moderation. They per- but I knew that I had just "wit- said Danielle O'Steen '03. "It * 3rd Annual Maypole Celebration Saliers, who in the course of their other stringed instruments , formed alone but created an nessed an evening of expressive amazes me how they continue to and Picnic: Runnals " Hill (behind ^ length y collaboration have an played a roug hly hour-long set incredibl y rich sound. Their song music and two gifted female come out with new songs that President Cotter 's house). All are established fan base of both young before returning with art encore roster was peppered with new and artists. And that was a generous might be even better than the old invited. Dinner induded. Please con- " and middle-aged enthusiasts. old, blissful and melanchol y. It reward, indeed. ones." tact Jen (j_multar , x6347) * East Asian Studies: East Asian Studies and Women's Studies Lecture: Greg Pflugfelder of Columbia Rollicking International University will speak on, "Women, . Three performing "Youths, and Men: Male-Male 4 9 Eroticism and the Age/Gender " Extravaganza called best ever System of Tokugawa J apan (1600--V; ' groups gather for 1868)." Location: Smith RoonC By RYAN DAVIS Roberts Union. 4:00 p.m. A+E EDITOR festive concert * Performing Arts: "Millennium of" "That was just about the most fun thing I' ve done in my Farce , Phantom Identities " 8 p.m. / entire life," said master of ceremonies J ason Ri '00 of the 15th B AMY ACKERMAN annual International Extravaganza , held Saturday night in Page y * Foss Arts: Dana Lawn. 10:00 STAFF a.m- Commons Room. WRITE * , Each year the Extravaganz a gives members of the The timpani will roll and voices will sing in a festive Saturday, April 29 , International Club , both foreign and American the opportunity concert this weekend. Gathered together will be the * SGA Film: "Ihe Green Mile," to entertain Colb performances from around the world. y with Kennebec Chorale Society, Lovejoy 100. 3:00 p.m. This year 's event covered nearl y every continent and nearl y Colby College Chorale and every type of entertainment. Colby Symphony * Performing Arts: "A Millennium The show got underwa y with a martial arts broom battle and Orchestra. Also joining of Farce , Part 2, Sex Wars (not R multicultural dance choreograp hed by International Club presi- these three groups will be rated)" 8:00 p.m. dent Zahra Khilji '02. In the middle of the dance , MCs Ri and two internationall y known Vbytek Wieckowski 'OO appeared on stage looking suitabl y dis- opera and oratorio singers, * Musical Concert: 1999-2000 tinguished in black suits and dark glasses before breaking out Oral Moses (bass) and The Colby Symphony Orchestra , into some hilariousl y energetic dance moves. After that , the pair Bonnie Doe Scarpelli the Colby College Chorale , and the began to introduce the distinctive performances from each con- (sopr ano). Colby-Kennebec Choral Sodety will tinent that were to transport the audience around the world. On the prog ram are perform works from the end of the International Extrava ganza 2000 was centered on the idea three orchestra pieces, one previous century to mark the end of that all the students who took the stage to sing, dance , play and choru s piece and two this century. Lorimer Chapel. 8 p.m. recite were sendin g President William R. Cotter and his wife work s for both the chorus Linda on a two-hour farewell tour of the world . The MCs and orchestr a, Sunday, April 30 addressed the couple throug hout the evening, and even gave The music for this occa- * Protestant Services: Location: them little toy suitcases. sion was chosen carefully Lorimer Chapel. 1:00 p.m. The first stop on the tour was Europe , which was represent- as a final triump han t ed by a selection of classical music from the Brass Quintet and a farewell for Presiden t and * SGA Film: "The Green Mile," fashion show highlighting traditional attire from Ireland , Mrs. Cotter , Lovejoy 100. 3:00 p.m. Germ any and Bulgar ia. The fashion show was to become a sta- AMITY BURR / THE COLBY ECH O "Every member of the ple of nearl y every stop in the show. A modern weddin g dance Steve Horowitz '00 and Sean Kinzler '01 perf orm a J apanese Colby and Waterville com- * Concert. Lorimer Chapel. 8 p.m. " from Africa choreo grap hed by J ackie Ogutha '0 1 was next, fol- martial arts &Hibition' at the Internationa l Extravagan za. munit ies can take grea t lowed by Afr ican drumming from music Professor J ordan pr ide in the work of (Direct or and Arnold Bernhard Monday, May 1 Benissan 's drumm ing class. ning," She then elaborated , explaining, ""Every year, I don't Professor of Music) Pa ul Machlin and the members of the * "Opening NighL.One Woman's A brief stop in the Middle East was highlighted by an Arabic think it can get better and every year it does. I'm always in a lit- Chorale who maintain and extend their incredibl y high Carmen ," A solo performance ar tist dan ce choreographed by Aliya Al-Aufy '03 and featurin g elabo- tle bit of shock after it' s over. It doesn't quite sink in. performan ce standards year in, year out," said Pres ident Julie Goell's original performance dis- rate , sparkling sequined outfits. Next it was on to East Asia, fea- (Organizers ) Zahra , J ackie, Jason and Denitsa (Hristova '02) did Cotter. plays her talents as a wri ter, musidan, tur ing impressive martial arts demonstrations from China and an amajslng amoun t of work. " She believes tha t the "world tour " He added , "I t is also especially exciting to be able to choreographer , comedienne, singer, Japan , and numerous songs, Beloved Dana chef Ramon theme -was " a nice way for the international students to send attend the joint concert with the orchestra which is the and actress. Runnals Performin g Arts ljdtaragad played guitar and sang during this segment and the their farewells to the Cotters ," and that having studen ts from annual highlight of the Music at Colby series." Center. 7p.in. jaunting theme from the film "Pr incess Mononoke " was per- around the world brin g a little bit of their country to Colby "is The Choral portion of the program opens with formed by Prof essor Tamae Pr indle' s J apanese class, one of the most wonderful things we can do." Parker 's unaccompan ied prayer "lam sol recedif' from a * Science, Technolo gy, and Sodety j ,. Southern Asia was another brief stopover , bu t a memorable Ogutha expressed a similar sentiment , Baying that "it was so dramatic orato rio for soloists, chorus and orchestra com- Lecture ; Senior STS Minor Lectures ; )< dine. India and Pak istan were represented by an exhilaratin g evident people are proud of where they 're from. Everyone put posed in 1897. Machlin says of the piece, "It is late 19th- "Innova tion, Technolo gy, and • ' dance performed to a popular new Hindi song called "Dhol their hearts into it and worked their hearts out. It just blows my century American choral wri ting at its finest - rich in Commercial Fishing," with Thomas , Ijiajay " and choreographed by Khilji and Aida Khan '01, The mind," She hopes that now that students have been exposed to chromatic harmon y, perfe ct in voice-leading, and elegant Dulong, "Ships with Chips: A-' dance got arguabl y the biggest reaction of the evening. the variety of people and cultures represented at Colby, "they 'll in phrasing ," Century of Electronic Navigation," , The final segment featured a lengthy poem about racial iden- spread their wings more to find out more about who is repre- Second on the program is a selection from Verdi's with Jared Lazzaro. "Technological . tity rend by Francisco Galvan '00, a "soca" dance popular in sented here and take advantage of having people at Colby from opera "Nabucco " which, when it opened in 1842 was an Issues in the Maine Lobster Industry, " ,, Latin American discoteques and two examples of merengue just about everywhere. " instan t local success. The work quickly gained wide- with Melissa Shea. Lovejoy 215. 7p.m. ,- dancing from the Dominican Republic. The merengue dance s, Said Khilji , "ifs reall y important to have events like this at spread popul arity throughout Ita ly, in part because of its which closed the show and featured recent SOBHU Talen t Show Colby to show people where you're from, It was great and I political overtones , Italians saw in the patriotic fervor of Tuesday, May 2 . *_ pinner Tyrone Boucaud '00, rivaled the South Asian dance in can't w/ait to do It again next year!" the opera's characters a reflection of their own develop- * Mary Low Coffeehouse Concert: ; qjtidierice popularity. The show's finale featured every performer Par t of tho reas on for the success of this year ' s Extravaganza ing nationalism , Folk Music 7 p.m. returning to the stage to thank the audience for coming before was explained by Nyasha Pfukwa '01, "We had a much bigger A vigorous chorus Is followed by a recitative, in which Page Commons was converted into post-Extravaganza dance bud get this year," she says. Due to that fact, the results "went Zechariah (Bass soloist Oral Moses) reveals that he has a Wednesday, May 3 '* . • ¦ ¦ ' • .' 9 floor. . ' ' beyond our dream s. It was Just "wonderful ," hostage whose presence might thwa rt the enemy' s plans, * Pottery Club Sale: Cotter Union • President Cotte r thoroughly enjoyed his "tri p," saying after- Planning for the event did not always go smoothly , Spanish Lobby. 9:00 a.m. which then leads to a cavatina with chorus. A final dra- ,j war ds tha t, "It was just the most wonderful evening. I was language assistan t Victoria Rios-Castano, who organized the by Zechariah matic and assertive declaration of purp ose * astonished • it looked like they'd been reh earsing for months, soca dance, says of the plan ning stages, "it was stressing; you and ihe chorus concludes the scene, * Sodal Sdences and Humanities even though ifs only been a couple of weeks, The talent and have to be very flexible. But at the ver y end it was great fun." The last work with the assemb led double chorus is the Lecture: "Teepees on the Rhine: The _ variety on display were just great ," Summin g up the experience, The opinions of all those involved with and all those in "Ti Deum," which was composed by Dvorrf k in time to Image of the Indian In Nineteenth- ., * Cotter, who has been In att endance for every Extravaganza since attendance at Inter national Extravaganza 2000 were perhaps coincide with celebra tions marking the 400th anniver sary Century German Popular Literature ," « ^ i-ts inception / said this year 's was "the best one ever !" best summed up by Pedzi Malcumb e '02, who appeared in the of Columbus 's arrival In the West Indies , This, then, was with Stephen Watt, Profe ssor of* j_ Dean of International Affairs Sue LaFleur agrees with African segments , Once the show was over, he said simply-. "It jo be a festi-ve composition from its inception , and from German Whitney Room, Roberts * Coder 's 'assessment. "What can I say?" she said. "It was stuh- •rocked, ' ; ; . ;*/ ; ,;;;. '! ;' ./ " . ;p y' -777.77 7. ;, ';,; '/,/ / Union. 12:00 p.m. » ¦¦ ¦ •' . ' ,, , ¦ ¦' ¦ ¦ ' *¦*'¦ ¦7 iiy- -y .^ . , , . . i yi^ y ^-ry,. . ,, ,; ., . : / ;;.y , , .^,r ¦ , ' ¦'• .. " .' , ' -7 '7 ;. • ¦ . ' m Vl :7A ' ;, ¦' ' .. ' . . v. ' ' ., ' See CHORA LE, continued qn page 6 ¦ ¦ ¦ i ' ') ' ¦ • ' " ¦ ' ' •' ' ¦ I '... ' ' - . ' .,. ' M'' . . . • ' I \l 'I ' ' < ,7^ . , : ;, t , ._ .. .,. . (3Iiist:I3^ By RYAN DAVIS "GHOST DOG: THE A+E EDITOR : WAY OF THE SAMURAI" It is not uncommon to hear of WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY people who long for a return to JIM JARMUSCH some past age when things weren't as complicated. For some, STARRING ifs the 1950s, and for others,: ifs a FbREST Whitaker little earlier. For Ghost Dog (Forest AND Whitaker), a mob assassin-for-hire JOHN TORMEY in the slums of New Jersey, ifs ancient feudal Japan. Rated R In "Ghost Dog: The "Way of the Samurai," director Jim Jairmusch's RUNNING TIME: odd but very compelling hybrid of 116 MINUTES the gangster and samurai film genres, the hero is quite clearly Review Grade: out of touch with any sort of reali- AMITY BURR / THE COLBY ECHO ty, but rather endearingly so. Harp in Wood getsfunky on Thursday night in Foss. He lives alone in a run-down shack on the top of a building and spends his days reading track down and eliminate all mem- "Hagakure: The Way of the bers of the Mafia who oppose him in Conce rt rocks Samurai," an ancient Japanese accordance to Japanese battle tactics. warrior text. He communicates This rather simple story is bol- with the outside world only by stered by Whitaker's intense and carrier pigeon and carries out hits inspired performance in the title Earth Week events for a small-uriie mobster named role, Jarmusch's literate and spiri- Louie (John Tormey) who once tual screenplay, which includes save his life. ,He sees Louie as a numerous quotations from "Way By RACHEL ROKICKI of the Samurai," a real book, and STAFF WRITER HE FREE CONCERT samurai master whom he must obey, never realizing that because the excellent soundtrack by RZA (who appears in the film as a gang One mob higher-up is a big fan . Global awareness. How does Earth ATTRACTED MANY, Louie doesn't subscribe to East member) as well as the rest of the WHITAKER 'S WORK of Public Enemy's Flavor Flav, Week affect Colby students? For many, Asian mysticism, this dedication AND THE FOCUS Wu-Tang Clan. while his comrades-prefer Sinatra. nothing changes. However, those who means nothing. • IS E^VEN MORE in Whitaker's work is even more And while they never -understand ^performed and all those attendance CENTERED ON THE Ghost Dog is an enigma to his impressive in that throughout IMPRESSIVE IN THAT each other, subtitles reveal (hat at last Thursday's concert at Foss are a neighborhood and to the audi- EFFORTS TO RAISE much of the film, his character Ghost Dog and Raymond the ice- testament to those who are willing to ence. We never find out where he's THROUGHOUT MUCH hardly speaks. The first time ,he cream man (Isaach De BankoW) think about, if not act upon serious MONEY FOR ECUADOR from or how he became interested opens his mouth is. about 20 min- OF THE FILM , HIS are often discussing the same wprld issues. in Japanese spiritualism. He is THROUGH THE SALE utes into the movie, when he thing without knowing it. ' The benefit concert, "A Musical perpetually dressed in a black CHARACTER HARDLY . befriends a well-read little girl An interesting technique used Celebration of the Earth," was just one hooded sweatshirt and- is friends OF BAKED GOODS (Camille Winbush) iri the park and SPEAKS. THE FIRST throughout the film is that the of, many unique Earth Week events. only with a Hatian ice-cream truck discusses his favorite books with mobsters are always watching car- The concert helped foster awareness AND RECYCLED driver who speaks no English, TIME HE OPENS HIS her. This scene illustrates the chill- toons on TV, from Betty Boop to for grassroots programs in Ecuador. It even though Ghost Dog speaks no MATERIALS ing duality of Ghost Dog's charac- MOUTH IS ABOUT Itchy and Scratchy, and the car- >_drew an enthusiastic crowd with the French. Still, all the gang members ter: warm-hearted and friendly to toons always foreshadow predse- help of two a cappella groups, the Some of these songs included in town seem to know and respect his allies and cold-blooded killer 20 MINUTES INTO ly what is about to happen to Colby Ei ht, the Sirens, and two bands, "Because" by the Beatles, "We are him. g to his enemies. them. It is a tribute to the overall Harpin Wood and Cows in The Sweet Honey in the Rock," and a beau- One night, he makes a hit for THE MOVIE Jam. I wasn t keeping track, but Im quality of the film - what could free concert attracted many, and the tiful piece by Carly Simon. Everyone Louie without knowing the daugh- pretty sure he kills more people , Jarmusch's scri have been hokey in just about any focus centered on the efforts to raise enjoyed the music and was supportive ter (Tricia Vessey) of vindictive local revenge drama pt than Patrick Bateman, the anti- is not onl intelligent and other movie takes on a certain money for Ecuador through the sale of and excited for the groups performing. godfather Mr. Vargo (Henry Silva) is y hero of the recent splattex-fest thoughtful, it is also very funny, spiritual resonance here. baked goods and recyded materials, Hapin Wood added their talent watching. Ghost Dog becomes a "American Psycho," yet we never much to the audience's surprise. Definitely original, always like stationary. There was even a peti- through the creative endeavors of its marked man. Numerous inept feel the same revulsion towards The Mafia is portrayed as a bunch engrossing and directed with tion to sign in reference to the mining members Eric Eichler '03, Eddie small-time hoods make attempts on Ghost Dog that we do towards remarkable cinematic prowess, in Ecuador. Piaseki '03, Alex Browne '03, and Chris his life, but none are any match for of amusingly clueless old geezers Bateman. who have no chance against Ghost "Ghost Dog" is an unconditional The Colby Eight began the conceit Makarewich '03. They were very excit- his cunning and high-tech "bag of In a rarity for the gangster- Dog. success for all involved. ¦with James Taylor's "Jump Up Behind ed to share their music, as wellas Cows tricks." He then begins a quest to L-em," featuring Ben Stockwell '00 on in Jam. This group of upperdassmen ^the solo. The group also sang Cake's put on a fun, exuberant show with the "Let me Go," and a song by Pat combined talents of Lindsay Stewart McGee featuring Eric Laurits '02. The '00, Will Barron '01, Brendon Smith '00, singing: Was "entertaining" and 'har- Chris-Davis '00, Karen Macke- '00, monies by Ben Falby '03 and Tom Ashley Smith 'OO, and Eric Zuaro ' 02. Donahue '00 added to the enjoyment They really engaged with the crowd with their very innovative music. Drank at Sea With the Echo of their program. The Sirens were just as successful The concert was a huge success and and sang a collection of difficult songs showed that students are aware of By MATT APUZZO, MEGHANN FOYE, with poise and precision. The atmos- important environmental concerns > outside of the Colby Bubble, while har- & TOM LEVINGS phere was very relaxed and the group EDITORIA L STAFF & BEER EXPERT elaborated on the meanings of their boring the talent of those interested in songs in the context of Earth Week. making a difference from within our institution. For this year's last official beer review, we've decided to stay local and review two beers from Portland - Portland Head Light Pale Ale and Casco Bay Rip Tide Red Ale. But nothing gets guest beer review- er Tom Levings more upset than seeing a minor consume alcohol. CH ORALE: Combining three That's about as offensive to him as seeing Louisiana's highway funds f ' taken away. So don't drink if you're not 21. vgreat talents Gritty 's Portland Headli ght Pale Ale continued from page six of the works were chosen because of Ifs not very strong and doesn't have too much bite to it, two factors that their festive, celebratory character. make it Meghann's favorite Maine brew. Meghann and I really enjoy this the opening timpani solo of the first This will be the last concert of Bill beer.If you're used to drinkingharsh microbrews that limit your overall con- movement, it is clear that Dvorak Cotter's presidency, and I wanted a sumption, you'll like this onie. It doesn't have the aftertaste or bittercwn-the- intended to announce his own pre- chance to thank him for his unflag- way-down grit to it often associated with pale ales. mtere in America with a flourish, ging support of the orchestra over all We're not the only ones who enjoy it, though. The founders of the brew- In addition, the orchestra will be the years. I thought it would be fun ery are shown drinking their concoctions on the bottom of the six-pack. playing Copland's "Outdoor to send him off with some music that "I wish I could be one! of those people. Thafs what I want my ^Overture," the "Hungarian would show off the orchestra in all future job to be," Meghann said. March" from Berlioz's its glory. Unfortunately,Tom doesn't agree. "Damnation of Faust" and the 1st This passion-filled concert will "I th ink it' s egotistical, maniacal, and downr ight offensive to just movement of Bruch's Violin take place in Lorimer Chapel on put your drunk picture on the bottom of a six pack with directions to Concerto with Carolyn Clark '00 as Saturday at 7 p,m. and on Sunday at your brewery," he said. "If I had a microbrewery,I' d spend more time soloist. 8 p.m. The performance is open to drinking and less time having my picture taken," According to Orchestra the public free of charge and seats "That was my high school paper, the Headlight," said Meghann. Conductor Jonathan Hallstrom "All fill quickly, so come early! I'd recommend picking up a six-pack then next time you get together. It's not as classy as the Miller you can get atLe vings' bar, but . — it gets the job done. • Qualit y Vision Cmb ¦ ^40fj_ WH£a ^ Casco Bay Rip Tide . „ ^ THU TRKATMRNT AND MANAOBMBNT abou t how long their creamy heads last. y^ lk W^S^^^ * Rip Tide is a little bit heavier than its Gritty counterpart. But ifs not in a *^L . or Ocular Disrasii This has a lasting creamy head , malty aroma, and a full bodied taste. , ^^^p bad way. Ifs got some extra bite to it and reminds me a little of Kathadin 's ^^ • Contact Lenses Meghann knows something abou t all that , Like the slogan on the ^ ^ ^_ ^_W__^r Red Ale - onl i , ..] ¦ .- . , ^ ^H_ _b»*^ • Fashion Bybwbaji bottle says, "taste the tradition. " y eas er going down Tom had an interesting theory on this comparison , but burst into the Four "Yum," she exclaimed when she first sipped it. Mon Blondes version of "Whaf s Up?" before he could verbalize it. "What 'i' ve never been drug out to see by. a rip tide, but tonigh t I feel POULIN • v ,^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ H I! "., Grand Central _ ^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_RirtWhr -PUjlsffl Established 1946 • I through TJiunday, May 4 Cooking classesavailable I _. 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' . :¦ , , • , Newmanagment ,same owners as . ,. ., > .. . m Moh. & Wed. Nlnhtji ; SOUPS • &m>8 • FLAT0READS)7, ¦• • i . ' ' , . ',: 187 Mtoli i •fr ««t :. :; ; ¦ ' ¦;. • ¦ ' ' ; I Mm-Thur IVM am-MOjm I • ' . * Tfsallem in Rotkland7; . . • ; ¦ ' DESSERTS • MICR0BREW8 • wOQviOBB:! • ¦¦¦ $0fy »47*0 j WSun WOOm-mppm,] . (148 South Main St., 207-594-0083)>. !,.[ SJWtth ^ A SKudTitl.D, RailroadIq«We»wv«l« *»B7a-»133 ' i7* _> I I 69 BayStreet • Wimlow,ME \ (Wtfi77-6m* (W 87r ^B ••#••••••••••••i *»if 41*lV»l*4l' « r ¦ ¦ ¦ ¦: ¦ ^ ^ ' . ; ¦¦7• • ¦ ; . - a ¦ the ¦ Echo 7 ' ¦ ' ' J oin_ ' . r __ You'll tak e to it like sheep to sailing (the pig is sleepin g) j; i J The Echo is hiring for all positions Editor in Chief Layout Editor Managing Editor Asst. Layout Editor News Editor Ad Designer Opinions Editor Advertising Managers A&E Editor Online Editor Features Editor Business Manager I Sports Editor Subscriptions Manager Assistant Sports Editor Layout^ |n ¦ ¦ ¦ ¦ , ,, - - : , ¦ ¦¦ ¦ " ' ' ,' -: . ' ' ' - • . .' ' .;,¦; ' ¦ ¦' :. • v : ';•,:¦ \ r* , * ;, i l . .v,:-k . *, * .,; , . '*''¦. . :¦;¦ •¦. • >??¦ : . ¦ ' ¦ : ' '' ; •¦ .¦ ¦ ¦ ¦ . v .i- . . ,, , , ' ,.v ;. . . : , :¦ ,(' . , 7:7 ^y,Jy 7\7,> r 7y 7, . . . ' . * . . .: •;• , , ,• , 1 : f?; ^ '* '^Mv^^ r 77r Baseba ll drops home op ener to Polar Bears By BOBBY FLEISS ^STAFF WRITER In what might be the team's only home game of the season, the White Mule baseball team fell to in-state rival Bowdoin 10-1 Friday. With , Crafts Field in nearly unplayable conditions because of the base in the bottom of the sixth inning, rain, the squad Jhas spent its first 19 who alone crossed the plate for the games on the road. - Mules. Tripp would be credited for the *¦ In itsfirst contest on Mayflower Hill, RBI. the White Mules would have liked to Colby would threaten again in the following inning, loading the bases with win its season series with the Polar with a one-two-three inning. Presbrey's two outs, but the Mules left the runners Bears, which was tied 1-1. performance bodes well for Colby's The two games had been tight with in scoring position. future. Bowdoin taking the first 3-2 in 11 "We're having our tough times at Though the CBB crown is out of reach innings while the Mules stole the April critical times, unfortunately," Smith this time around, the Mules can look for- 16 match-up, 6-5. This game was not said. "We'll get the bases loaded with ward to two games with Bates (1-14) this going to be that dose. one out and we'll get a couple veteran season. After their game today against "It definitely wasn't what we wanted guys up to bat and we won't be able to the University of Southern Maine, the *to happen said Matt Smith '00. "We did- drive them in." Mules will host the Bobcats for a dou- n't play like we thought we were going On the other side of the diamond, the bleheader Saturday. to. In a game like that we wanted to be Polar Bears would have no shortage in "We're down but we're definitely not fired up." offensive firepower. out," Smith said. "We've been right in Colby (7-13) was able to come up Led by Chris Davidson's three hits there for every game. There have been a with seven hits. Patrick Conley '03 con- and two RBIs - including one long drive couple tough ones, but the score in most tributed two, while Matt Simmard '02, that by rule permitted Davidson to of our games haven't told the whole Matt Gibson '00, and co-captains touch all the bases - Bowdoin put story. We're just not making the clutch JA.SON HOAG/THE COLBY ECHO Andrew Tripp '01, William Goldman together 10 runs on 17 hits. However, plays at the right times." Jonathan Lord ' 02 stores down the Bowdoin pitcher and prepares to swing away in ? '01, and Smith, each added one. they were put to sleep in the ninth by Colby' s home opener against instate rival Polar Bears. However, it was Jon Lord '02, reaching Kevin Presbrey '03, who came through Tennis falls to Bowdoin, looks to NESCACs Outdo or bas ketba ll: By BECKY SCHECHTER "The number four seed was a great match," said SPORTS EDITOR Patrick. "He's been injured a lot this year." ^ McManigal's counterpart took him to three sets, let 's make it a reality With the waitings of Celine Dion wafting down which made the victory all the more sweet. By BOBBY FLEISS That's enough about what every Colby College from the weight room above, the men's tennis team "It was a great couple of sets of tennis, a great men- ' ¦ STAFF WRITER " "' . resident already knows. The question remains of took on a strong team from Bowdoin last weekend. tal game," said Patrick. "We're looking for big things whether or not building an outdoor basketball Forced to play inside due to inclement weather, Colby from him in the NESCACs." One doesn't have to reach too far into the realm court is really feasible. The answer is a resounding tried to salvage the home court advantage in the field Colby would have been shut out in doubles compe- of imagination to picture Colby's very own out- yes. • . house against the Polar Bears Saturday morning. tition save the team of co-captain Sean Dugan 'OO and ' Dean Smith, who has a thing or two to say "It was an unfortunate turn of events. It would have door basketball court swarming with young men Martin Schneimann '02. The duo hung on to take the and women. Stationed in the corner of one of our about the distribution of college funds, explained, been nice to have been outside," said co-captain Owen number three match 8-6. "It has to be one of the things that is on the list. Patrick '01. "We have some rather unusual indoor numerous parking lots or perhaps tucked behind a "Sean and Martin have had a bad year and they , a blacktop doesn t sound so unreasonable. The way things move up the list really depends on home courts. They're really old and other teams hate to dorm ' turned it around," said Patrick. "I'm proud about the Though Maine's harsh climate would certainl demand and interest. If yo-u can demonstrate this play on them. You can get a little edge out of that." y effort. It was a excellent match." limit the time that our student body could then it will help the cause." Again, it's up to , Unfortunately the Polar Bears got over their initial Patrick also felt that Colby's effort against Bowdoin indulge its zealous athletic appetite on those among us who share the enthusiasm discomfort with the Colby courts. In singles' competi- made for a strong finish to the team's regular season such a surface, the spring and fall for this project to help pursue it. tion, Bowdoin beat the White Mules' first, third, fifth and its seniors' Colby tennis careers. undoubtedly offer enough nice j i To our advantage, this is neither a and sixth seeds in straight sets. Jason Bidwell '02, "It .was a nice close to the season and final -home weather -to make such a project j I time-consuming project nor a rela- Colby's number one player, ran into a Bowdoin player worthwhile. , -> fc tively expensive endeavor. Locally on a winning streak. Bidwell fell to the Polar Bears' match for our seniors Sean Dugan and Peter Bruhn." j| Naturally there is a long wish m p respected paver Steve Violette has Colin Joyner 6-4, 6-3. Despite their efforts, the Mules still fell to their in- state rivals and Patrick concedes that Colby predicted list of things to be built, rebuilt, ^ been setting cement for 25 years "Jason played a hot number one player*, one of the and has been emp as much. or renovated on our ever- loyed by Colby in top three in the NESCAC," said Patrick. "It was a good the past. His paving handy work "We weren't expecting to win, but we made a state- expanding campus, but there is match. I'm proud of him and how he played. They no reason why this innovative would cost the school a mere 80 cents really banged the ball." ment by leaving it all on the court," said Patrick. a square foot three inches deep, and, ^ "Overall as a team we played well. Bowdoin is an idea needs to continue to be over- Patrick and rookie John McManigal '03 provided the looked. Priority is based on interest get this: he could do the job in a day. excellent team. Ifs a real positive motivation for enter- bright spots in Colby's loss, garnering the two wins. and attention as much as anything else. One must consider the costs of the baskets Number two seed Patrick shut down his opponent ing the NESCACs next weekend at Middlebury." So, with this article, I hope to get the ball rolling and the necessity to level the chosen spot, but it 6-4, 6-4. In the number four match McManigal showed The men will play in Vermont Friday through with the goal that it won't stop rolling until some- is clear that "affordable" is an appropriate descrip- the strides he has made this year. Saturday for the NESCAC Championships. one is able to pick it up and shoot it through an tion. iron hoop that is lit by the sun and conditioned by Director of Athletics, Dick Whitmore, is also very the open air. enthusiastic about the idea. He has During an encouraging meet- given the Colby community the ing with the Dean of the College, LOCALLY opportunity to prove its interest by PACK: Highlighting the spring I was surprised to learn that no RESPECTED PAVER setting up temporary baskets in one has ever before suggested the field house parking lot on a the building of an outdoor bas- STEVE VIOLETTE trial basis. Undoubtedly, keeping ' ketball court. It is almost impos- HAS BEEN SETTING that court busy over the last few season s top athl etic performers sible to believe that this has weeks of school is one great way to never been an issue in light of CEMENT FOR 25 bring attention to this project. Continu ed from page 10 the tremendous athletic interest YEARS. HIS PAVING Bringing awareness to the ?Men's tennis junior co-captain Owen Patrick '01 displayed at Colby. Those who potential of an outdoor basketball has attempted to lead his team by example, taking participate in varsity sports, the HANDY WORK court on Colby's campus must be ?Following Hoch in team scoring for women's seven of his nine singles matches this season. The intramural program, lus the a community effort. Senior bas- v p WOULD COST THE track, Faith Anderson '00 has also performed well for number two seed won six of those seven wins in members of the great migration, ketball enthusiast Dave Schoetz the Mules all season. Anderson has provisionally qual- straight sets. to the exercise facilities after SCHOOL A MERE has volunteered to carry the torch ified for national competition in the high jump and class everyday, make up most of for the first leg. He plans to pre- should qualify for the heptathlon. ?Men's tennis senior co-captain Sean Dugan '00 student body. The I-PLAY bas- SO CENTS A pare a letter for the Dean of the won six of his nine singles matches this spring. ketball program is perhaps the SQUARE FOOT College and he will be searching ?Women's track rookie of the year Colleen Beal '03 Dugan's wins included a big comeback victory over most popular and well-repre- out the signatures of those inter- is tied with Anderson for second in team scoring, The his Brandeis opponent, allowing Colby to overcome sented of all the intramural ested in supporting the building first first-year has placed in four events in all of the Mules' the Judges 4-3. Dugan rebounded after losing the sports. The competitive and noncompetitive of an outdoor court. One voice may not make a , meets this season. Beal broke Colby's freshman record set 1-6 to take the next two 7-5, 6-3 in the final match leagues represent Colby's great interest in the difference but our community speaking together Jn die discus throw. of the contest. game of basketball. ' can. Support this worthy cause. -P? HH_BHil_Hii^v *wH» 'H$fi_K»1 }—^—^—^—^—^—^—^—Wa^—^—^—^fm^Mj^^—mi'77-7j___^_^_^_^_^_^_^_ 1M_f_ K ^mSSTwi ______MIIVRni-_rW^____n______' Vi^ ^'J^—mm—m^ui,KMRiuDi pwT ______HHHtfflMI______h______3^______Kw__u_^ fWipfiiRVi* n______^i_^_^_^_[M ^j_ ^_^_^_^_H^_^_^_^_^_^_H-l_H_^_^_^_^_B_ni-_-_l_flZT' , ____-pTiH ^______I ¦ ' ¦ ¦ ' Thuridoyi ) SrlO-li plm. ' ' ' ' ___ ¦ __\ ! . ' • **tt ' _ii__ -'_,'j li__I_ . B£-_--E------. ' .'/(¦ *i iV_!^W_i______l_____ ' ¦ i ; WF¦ i ; WwtwkWBKt'v'- f tWltVl,'i'; MC'1i!wl______lj_____Ki-____iHQfl^ . H______¦PKafl < < _fJ^______i ' ¦ IB l,i- ______&;i__l_J_[-______H Mi./ ,( ,^______t ' ' uil______\' it-ffitt .______B _j' ' f . <_H____w wMfe " _/n%W2*dV$^-WI-^MMUnBff l\^r' «p31^______I __ ^__w__w_W__ ^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_\ 1 ' i _!_^_l^_^_^_^_l-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-BI^_^_^_^_R_iw < Thinkin g t _^_^_^ abou Summer ? :|;l5|||w^la^me^ J{ Seven«week credit courses and shorter non-credit opt tb Ion- '« |||| i :^ n |; iltemi' . ." : Small classes that encourage discussion and debate M?tt A; • ;*: .r. ' ;,; .. 7 . Unequaled access to Brown's excellent faculty $' . Hworkin * g < Ra cing l»e#pi lo protect Providence's sparkling downtown waterfront • center tkilt'foiiuw stage for cultural events all summer long : 1 ¦ ¦ ¦ ' V'V . • :' - ' K -St'' ' !'* ' "} 1 ! '' • ' :. : " ' .. • : '. ^ VnA For more Information, contact the Office of Summer Studios ' 401-863-7900 or email uj at WS^^B)im^n ^TkifnH ^^W 1 iS0^^^mm' ; summer 9BrOWn.edu I ¦ : : <)lYI«*f of Mtiitutmr HMiilU'n tliuwti Uiilv*ir«i*y , ' " ), S Box T, HU ¦¦ ¦ I'fiwt'rtMH'c, HI ft MllMMW . i^X tt: J-~ * tmtmmt-mr ' '' ' ** ** *** < ; «' * 7 . \ " • ¦• ^ ^m ^ ii ' *^i/ By The Numbers 10 shots taken by men' s lacrosse co-captain Jeff Boyer J 00 going into Tuesday' s game against Bowdoin MELANIE GURYANSKY/THE COLBY ECHO From left, J amie Brewster '00, Jonathan Lord '02 , Owen Patrick'01, Sean Dugan '00, David Sherwood W, Nate Laing '00, Nicole Furek '00. 10 Not pictured: Katharine Magnuson '02 , Marcy Wagner '02 , J effrey Boyer '00, J ohn Shea '02, Grace Price '01, Karen Hoch '00, Faith Anderson '00r Colleen Beal '03. goals scored hy Boyer Sprin g ps going into in their Ste Tuesday' s Presenting the 2000 Spring Mule Pack game ?The baseball team ' s leading hitter , outs and a .727 slugging per centage. She points. He is second in ground balls with 20, the rating high and keeps it high." against J onat han Lord '02, is also a top outfielder and recor ded the game-winning RBI on a ground relief pitcher , For the second year in a row the rule double in the eighth innin g against ?Lacrosse goalie John Shea '02 has kept ?Nate Lain g '00 will be competing in Bowdoin sophomore has led the team in batting aver- Husson and had the only RBI for Colby his team in severa l games while it stru ggled national men's trac k competition for the sec- age, this season with a robust .440. He is also against UMO. offensively. He has tallied 138 saves for ond consecutive season, qualif ying in the first on t e team in its n is tie or t e 5&w _ a .577 save percentage. hammer throw , Laing has been the high scor- h h a d d f h ¦ most RBIs. "J ohn is an awesome all around ?Marcy Wagner '02 has * er for the White Mules throug hout the season. player who should make All-NESCAC and been the White Mule softball _A i ?Gra ce Price '01 represents All-New England ," said head coach Ton- team 's most consistent hitter /L f\ the women's crew team. As ?J oining Lain g in Nationals , also in the ¦" ¦¦A Dexter , this season. The sophomore A^V • the stroke on the varsity hammer thro w, will be co-captain J amie 24 leads the team with a .393 1^ 1 * 1 team , Price sets the pace for Brewster '00. Bre wster is a two-time national ?Nicole Furek '00 has been a tenacious batting average , six doubles Iwl TJj the rest of the boat. "There champion in the event. The senior was recent- attacker all season long for the 6-4 Colby and four home runs , and is 1 a are no standouts and we all ly awarded the Ellsworth "Bill" Millett combined women's lacrosse team. The senior tri-captain second in RBIs with 21. Vfi , / work together ," said captain award , presented to the senior athletes who leads the team in points , 51, with 28 goals and "Sh e's a complete player," , \ f Courtney Il genfritz . "B u t I have contributed the most to Colby athletics points 23 assists. Her shot percentage is an impres- said head coach Richard Bailey. ^ would recommend Grace Price. in their four years , by the Colby C Club . sive .438 on the year. "She 's got a great bat , hit s with She's a great team leader ," given up power and has a rocket of an arm. " ?Co-captain Karen Hoch '00 has led the ?.Catherine Magnuson '02 has been con- ?The stroke for the varsity team also rep- women' s track team in scoring all season to sistentl y strong at the plate for the Mules this ?Co-captain J effrey Boyer '00 leads his resents men' s crew. Co-captain David long. She has consistentl y placed in all of her season, but put on an offensive show in young lacrosse team in . overall offensive pro- Sherwood 'OO was complimented highly by field events and has provisionall y qualified Bowdoin Colby's last three matches , Magnuson went 5- duction. Boyer is tied for lead in team goals his teammates. "He is a phenomenal athlete for Nationals in the hammer throw. 11 in the three games with four runs scored , with 10, which he has scored on 10 attempts . and one of the best strokes in New Eng land ," by the four batte d in, one double , one tri ple, 26 put- He leads the squad with 16 assists and 26 said co-captaln Andrew Miller '00. "He gets baseball See PACK, continued on page 9 and men s ¦ ¦ ¦ ' ' 7 . .'¦; C . - . . . ' • lacrosse tf .. teams Lax falls hard to Polar Bears By MATT APUZZO from the ECAC championship last sea- EDITOR IN CHIEF son and was ranked as high as 13th in the nation. For the three seniors ! on the Colby 's rebuilding lacrosse team team , this year has been one focused ran into national tyvranked Bowdoin on instilling a winning attitude in the 3 on Tuesda y, and couldn 't find a way to underclassmen. stop the high-powered Polar Bear ¦ "Anytime you lose 10, seniors , offense. The White Mules (3-8) fell you're definitely thinking of it as a behind 14-0 before rebuil ding year," said Ntirse. "Wei've combined falling to their NESCAC naa a reauy suc- rivals 14-2. FOR THE THREE cessful stint at points The Mule defense Colby; Before this freshm en from Inst year and the good and keeper John Shea SENIORS ON THE year, we've had core of juniors and sophomores wo managed three of the most '02 fell victim to a blis- TEAM, THIS YEAR HAS have. Every body knows what this tering Polar Bear attack >, successful years past ," Nurse said, by the ¦ ' team has been in tho that registered all but BEEN ONE FOCUSED • ' Colby'? eyer hacl. , '. "It ' s hard «i>t to live up to tho expecta- baseball two of the team's goals. It' s really impor- tions of the past/ but you' ve got to ON INSTILLING A ' ¦ ¦ ¦ "Shea played reall y /• .tantj '¦y f ojt.. :. thp!/ . build/V , ; /. ' , , , „ ' , ' , and men' s Well, but I don't thi nk we WINNING ATTITUDE younger players The Kluliss . have , three more games gave him the help we - ' to reali se it takes to play, with their final home game IN " THE , : ;. " ' : ' lacrosse could' ve," said Ian Nurse ; . -; . . : /; , ; , a lo^to , Win/' !'i ;/-7 May 30 gainst Middlebury , The fociis '00. "All of , their shots , UNDERCLASSMEN. 7' \\$nftsquad ' . ham , ,. * , of the rest of tho season, Nurse said, temns were In pretty cloiiei" , * , : 'a , 8trph 8 :.;grbiip ' ¦ ^ ;^nd o^,^ Will be to tak e ii positive outlook on against Bowdoln'a starting // . < , ,;, ,, . ^;. ercia8flmot*v;;tpM ; thai future of the pr ogra m anci make attack line put eight shots In the back ; tely on iri the ' coming • yiiara 'l' ; For midst ojf' the ilding , , ¦;• the .reb u proc -.^, Bowdoin of the neV, wltK Nit^k Rut herford arii in_t Ali en l__ xQ''" '*H_§_8_H_K_____r jsu pports Lewis & i_&WlLSON i __ -v • ¦ • * OLD' Tv- v mi • BOXERS.',.' ,; •*, i-f'^iiff ,_ v. •" ^ > Bates freshman hashes tip • Lectures on Campus • Ron Jeremy and Jenna Jameson will speak for approximately 2 min- utes in stilted language to give some semblence of a plot, and then pro- ceed with a audience participation on shores of Johnson Pond boot knockin' demonstration in the BY MATT CANT LOSE-O Mary Low Coffee House on EDITOR IN CUPS Saturday at 4:20. A Bates freshman was found floating in an inner tube on Johnson Pond last week, * Museum Exhitbits • presumably the only survivor of an * A performance art piece entitled attempted escape of the Lewiston college's "Student Decorates Rug Orally" will regime. The boy, Neil Gonzalez, was be a traveling exhibit throughout the released from Maine General hospital campus dorms Friday and Saturday Tuesday and placed in the care of Leon night. Gonzalez, Neil's former high school room- * A student photography exhibit mate who now lives in Woodman. But, back entitled "What? We have a muse- in Lewiston, Neil's one remaining room- um?" will feature the suprised reac- mate, John Michael, is demanding the stu- tions of students when told there is a dent be returned to Bates. "Neil is my roommate," he said. Colby College Museum of Art. "We are prepared to move Heaven and "Regardless of what the intentions of our Earth to get Neil back," said Bates president third roommate were, he is my roommate •Department News • Donald W. Harward. and I demand he return to Bates where he You're secretly attracted to your Bates College, which has long been belongs. Every moment the Colby officials department chair. You're a sick, sick known as an oppressive third-world educa- have custody of him, he is being brain- person. tional facility in which students often go washed by the school's propaganda." days without food or water, is currently Colby students remain mixed on the idea under a Colby embargo. While the border is of returning young Neil to the regime in • From the Admissions technically closed, thousands of students Lewiston. Office • flee the Lewiston campus every year seeking "Have you seen that place," said Anne Everyone in next year's freshman a better life on Mayflower Hill. It is believed Baker '01, a transfer student from Bates, "ifs class is ten times smarter than you that Neil Gonzalez and one of his three inhuman the way they're treated down could ever hope to be. You should roommates attempted a late-night escape there. The place is overrun with drugs and and somehow made it to Waterville, where be ashamed of yourself. corruption and the conditions are dismal." Neil was placed on a makeshift raft and set "I say we send him back," said Donald afloat before his roommate died. nson '02. "Colby can no longer afford to •Heard around the Water Despite school-organized marches of Joh lost freshman who protest in Lewiston, Colby President be the caretaker of every Cooler • William R. Cotter has refused to turn over ends up out behind West Quad. They're just "This water is pretty good." the boy. Former Lewiston residents have taking up class seats that should be filled by "Actually I think ifs kind of held similar protests on the Woodman lawn, Colby students. Colby can't solve the warm." where the boy happily plays on a swing set NESCACs problems anymore." "We have been getting it from a for television crews. Director of Security Peter Chenevert said different place." On Thursday, following an SGA order to he would not rule out using force to remove "I pissed in the water cooler." return the freshman to Bates, riots broke out the boy fr om his Woodman home. That "So did I." in front of the Cotter Union, where security statement prompted a group of supporters officers used tear gas to disperse the angry to form a human fence around the dormito- • "While You Were on mobs. ry, where they sing songs and tell of the hor- As for Neil, however, the freshman has rors of Bates. Vacation • begun taking classes here at Colby until J- "For Neil to live a happy life at Colby, The cleaning staff had wild, pas- I DID YOUR MOM Board hearings are complete. Meanwhile, in that was the dying wish of his roommate," sionate sex on your bed, your couch, Nie»7 Gonzalez frolicks in the lawn f or cameramen. Should the refugee be sent back Lewiston, the student's roommate is said Sarah Garcia '02. "Doesn't that mean and in your shower. The cleaning to Bates? Some say yes. adamant he wants to see his friend's return. anything? We can't just send Neil back. This staff has amazing stamina. You wish you were half the lover your cleaning staff is. They didn't even clean up afterwards. They like it The Weekly World Echo messv. 5921 Mayflower Hill — Waterville, ME 04901 f "*" »»¦ N jjtr y 'Choices CT' leads ^ MATT CAN'T LOSE-O, Editor in Cups FOR THE MEGHANN "SEXY TOY" FOYE, Mangling Editor FIRST TIME SHAT GERBIL, Nude Editor THE WRETCH, Big Ben Stickney Fan senior to aviation BrWKlC - SCHECTY BECKLER, Sports Heckler DJ JON LOEB, Asst, Irritating Ed, G-SPOT WORD, No Opinion Editor BROOK FTTZSIMON, ahh, just right Semor American Studies major Jonathan Branigan • $20,000 SEXY MAN, A&E Editor WHO?, Subscriptions Manager was convinced into pursuing a fascinating career in MELANIE G, Sporty Spice CRACK PIPE R., Ad Representative a ia e i 's JENNY O'BABY, Porno Director SCRATCHY RASH, Ad Representative v tion Thursday aft r representat ves of Colby CASH BONUS HAPPY HONEYCOMB, Wayout Editor SATAN, Your Lord and Master Career Services office convinced him to run the com- puter program Choices CT. PLUS "1 wasn't sure what to do," Branigan said. "But the $50,000 The Weekly World Echo is a weekly newspaper (NO SHIT!) published by the program asked me if I liked operating machinery,and drunken, bottom 10 percent of Colby College on Thursday or whenever we fuck- I guess I do. And I don' t like cutting hair, that's for FOR COLLEGE. ing get around to it. sure" Choose to serve in one Career counselor Mindy Yabinski said she encour- of the Army's top-priority DITCHING/WHINING/PISSING/MOANING aged the senior to use the program after she learned The Echo encourages letters from its readers, p t , especially those that have a his GPA was currentl at 2.7. occu a ional skills and you poor grasp of the English language, We like to make fun of those letters. Once y could receive a cash bonus of written, the Echo encourages you to take the letter, turn that sum bitch side- "With that kind of GPA, he's just not qualified to enter the consulting field," she said. "And the Peace upto$20,000, if yourqualily. ways, and stick it straight up your candy assi Letters must exceed 25,000 words Plus, earn up to , and must be written in T*cp <-_*- style font and footnoted in accordance with Corps deadline has already passed. So, that basically mock interview with Yabinski really helped him pre- $50 000 in the Chicago Manual of Style. Any letters recieved later than midnight on Sunday limited his options. I mean, if you don't want to be a pare for the field. money for college through will be used to wipe beer off of the die table. Letters should be typed in braile financial consultant, do Teach for America, join the "It took me three weeks to get my appointment," the Montgomer y G J , Bill and must be signed in blood and include an address or phone number, and Peace Corps, or become a camp counselor, I just don't he said, "but I didn't mind. We had such a stretch of and the Army College Fund , naked picture of the author of the letter. The Echo will not, under any circum- think there are any jobs out there for you." nice days in a row, how can anyone be expected to if you qualify. stances, print a letter from an ugly person, Branigan was near tears when another counselor work in the afternoons?" If possible, please submit letters on stone tablets, Microsoft Flight Simulator Find out more about While no aviation-related companies p or text format either on audio tape, or via paper plane at [email protected]. returned from her walk and instructed him to "look lan to visit these great Army benefits , The Echo reserves the right to lose all submissions or anything we disagree with. in the library" for help. That's when he discovered Colby in the future, Branigan has gotten significant Talk to your local Army YOU SUCK Choices. guidance from the 1982 copy of "So You Want to Fly recruiter today. It could be The Editorials are the official opinion of the paper. You aren't cool enough to "Do I want to be a shoe salesman? No, I don't think With the Birds," which is in the office's library. one ofthe most rewardin g be on the paper, deal with it. Opinions expressed in the individual columns, so. Do I enjoy working with groceries? Tempting, but "I'm looking forward to flying the bi-planes the calla youVe ever made. advertising and features are those of the author, not of the Echo, So call them up not really for me," Branigan said. "That's when the book describes," Branigan said, at two in the morihg and yell at them, not us you fucking bitches. computer told me aviation was my bag." Branigan said he plans to take a summer job as a While Branigan had never considered the aviation live-in nanny to prepare himself for the aviation FEELING IONEIY? 207*873*2594 industry, he is now seriously considering his options career. The idea struck him while searching the list- For information on publication dates or to contact us about submitting an as a commercial ings of non-finance related jobs on the Web site. ARAN. article, please call us at 1-900 WE ARE 18 or x3349 on campus. freight pilot. Luckily, he said, the BE ALL YOUCAN wvnwoMnmoom BE.' ^SSS?V l'SS'SSI!3BSSEXSSSfEBSBSSniBBSSBBSB H 1 * ¦ li <¦ > '1 I 5 " '' !f'l 1 \ ' ' '/ ' < 4 ¦ if/ .vj ¦ ¦ Of i SI ¦* -¦ ti/ 'I ¦ : I. -BY ' TRi :1\,W< Jife : I 4fe A 743 Br S^ iSi ' u : fflIrt'-_IHKl$^' lilww ^ piiiiW vvBbitMreW : IiS_H^_5m fjTWj_ » a_ffi _™_wlnA iil ™ :< ^t_H______H_____9___l__P'-__Hn J__w«H—-___|mGSmViQhII|Ww9HP p __V___-ff!__l-_-__l_i__l__ll_raE_'S___l! Bh^ tt *i ^^Vffl_nw__K P_r£^_!n_ _i ' ^f ^ Mjr ^ * < *^^MlmluS^.l«SHak '" H** '•* * **wwMF_*l^^ iP-:, ____) >^<^l_ M_____tl_____l_i!M____Hl__i Wilson send ^ m^ I beg to defer ," cries sudtent yB MATT APUZZO'S : EDITORS IN CHIEF Dilbert Wilson send out letter to campus make agellations other people bad racist, no good. "Wilson The spell check functionof Microsoft Word, say don't like Humphrey's impeach friend roommate which was misunderstood earl nice guy is not stel money make fone kails. y onr is becoming letter tell Colby Humphrey's bad say _nean;fhings popular as a way for students to ensure their impeach SGA office long distance, level playing field. work is not juv enile before letting the entire cam- Mr. Angweni family. Not same. pus read it. - Begging to defer, Wilson type paper put in bath- rooms campus say wrong person impeach, not make supremasist SGA write letter. Call mom. mistake Jon Gray , personal Humphrey's. Part of poison, Wilson write, is Humphrey's. Furthermore, Wilson say Mr. Angweni family "Impeachment personal cause no like Jon. Echo edi- betwixt, between, midway,among, amid, within, and tor's also make bad don't tell I make fone kails. Call halfway. friends," he wrote. "I rub for predisenf," write Wilson. "Ben Wilson decide answer to problem is rub for presid- Humphrey's is racist." ment. "Phogne bill too high, need office of my own Wilson, who make phone calls from office, let Jon don't let me in office make pgone calls cause roommate take blame, say sorry, run for president. impeach^ Ben Humphrey's racist white privelage Multicultural Affiairs veto Humphreys racist white unfair. Vote for me." Greek Lif e Outsm arts Colb y Adminis tration Vice President Impeached: By MY NAME IS LONG one of them has, and -droits she likes FEATURES EDITOR ifs salty taste), the members aspire to serve ham salad and cheeseburger This year el presidente of the soup at all of their pot luck suppers ' next year with the other off campus Who s the bitch now? Echo, affectionately referred to as "Piizzo", wanted someone to investi- houses. According to one of the ink," said Gravy. By SHAT GERBIL gate the underground Greek life that founding members who goes by the Other Colby students were critical NUDE EDITOR has been prohibited at Colb name Ace, "the baboon won't eat of Stuff-Me and his cronies for their y since the days when Madonna busted out anything else, so we have to always handling of the impeachment proceed- Student Government Association in cone boobs, boys wore ti ht stone- keep a fresh tub of ham salad on ings. g Vice President Jon Gravy was formally washed jeans, girls liked their hair hand in the refrigerator." "Stuff-Me is a ruthless killer of impeached for being what SGA big and crimped, and if One thing that drunken Colby babies. That guy would sell out his you could President Ben Stuff-Me called "a bitch break it down on the dance floor of "Weenus!" accompanied by a low students will have to watch out for own grandmother at the drop of a and disgrace to humanity." with some phat moves like the "urggh!" can be heard echoing when they head out to the Weenus dime. If I were in charge, I would see to A document signed by Stuff-Me "Roger Rabbit" or the running man, throughout the dining halls, the pub, next year for parties on Main Street, it that he was executed. Is it possible to and his cronies revealed that Gravy well you were pretty damn cool, But around campus, through the arbore- is the obstacle course of intricately have him flogged?" asked Prime had "repeatedly acted like a bitch in that was the 80's at Colby,back in the tum, and some students even report- laced lawn ornaments that will soon Minister of the Colby R+B Society Presidents' Council meetings and last days of panty raids, raging keg- ed hearing the salute during this decorate the front yard. The girls Gilbert Pilsner. spent almost $10 of SGA money on per- cent of all students know that Stuff-Me gers, and when you could get alcohol month's student art show. plan to have an assortment of two A central point of Stuff-Me's accusa- . sonal expenses." is a bigger litch than Jon. I know that delivered on campus from Joka's the "One night I heard them yelling it dollar plastic gnomes, along with tion that Gravy is a bitch came when Stuff-Me pointed out that the almost $10 is more money than most way WHOP delivers cheese bread for 20 minutes across the hall," said pink flamingos, colored reflectors, Stuff-Me reportedly started a fi ht with almost $10 could have been spent on g people see in their lives, but "if he's try- and chicken parm subs. Back in the Go-ho resident Aaron Bond '02. "We and those great looking metallic an unspecified faculty member at a fac- buying a couple of pens and some ing to say that Jon is more of bitch than day, it wasn't a question of where the had people over, and everyone in the crystal balls that sit on pedestals. ulty meeting earlier in the semester. basic stationary for the SGA office. he is then I am the Pope," said Pilsner. frat party would be, but rather which room was like, what the hell is that?" "When we get drunk we're going to just went up to and asked him "This is a disgrace. Jon is such a "Jon When informed of Pilsner's com- one of a thousand to go to on any Bond suspects that it may all be part kick the gnomes around the yard and if he had beef. I don't think that the fac- bitch that it almost blows my mind. He ments, ' Stuff-Me threatened legal given night. of some secret hazing ritual sur- off the porch," said "Shiggity ulty member wanted any,but Jon went knew I wanted those pens, and he action. But Colby Administration rounding the society. Diggity" another member of the in swinging. I saw him clock the guy went and spent the almost $10 any- "That God damn prick. I'm gonna thought that Greek life in a small lib- But for those not already familiar Weenus, who loves Guster. upside the head at least twice and he way," said Stuff-Me. sue his ass," said Stuff-Me. eral arts college environment breed- with the Weenus society, there are Other pastimes at the Weenus didn't stop once he fell either, he just Gravy denied the allegations of his In an unrelated story, an ed isolationist and exclusionary certain things that distinguish them house include mandatory group kept on kicking him, I was like damn" bitchiness, but was quick to apologize Englishman of unspecified nationality behavior among the students, so out from other underground fraternities viewmgs of "That 70's Show," listen- said Stuff-Me. to Colby students for denying the SGA was seen making friends with Stuff-Me they went. Or at least thafs what the and sororities that have existed on ing to The Two Old Men in the Box "A lot of the time I feel like knock- office new pens and stationary. and then taping all of his personal con- Administration thinks. But, el presi- the down low at Colby in the past. radio show on WMHB every ing out my government professor. But "Let me say it now, I am not now, versations. dente wanted an article on Greek life, First off, there is the secret salute, Thursday morning (the two DJ's are that kind of thing is just unacceptable nor have I ever been a bitch. I am very Tapes that the Englishman provid- and while no underground fraterni- which once this appears in the Echo, just incredible - okay and they're after freshman year," he added. sorry for denying the SGA the oppor- ed to the Echo proved completely use- ties particularly wanted to speak to will become known and understood members), putting Madonna's Pilsner felt that Stuff-Me's accusing tunity to buy new pens and stationary. less. the Echo, we did manage to locate a campus-wide, making it not much of Immaculate Collection on repeat Gravy of bitchiness was hypocritical. We are almost out of computer paper new off-campus secret society that a secret anymore. The Weenus mem- while singing into tin-foiled toilet "Ben is not fooling anyone. 99.9 per- and the pens are permanently out of will be taking over the Main Street bers like to think of it as a variation paper rolls, going for short rides on house next year. of the three-fingered Girl Scout their six seater bicycle (they all cheat, They call themselves "Weenus," Promise with the right hand tapped the person in front gets stuck pedal- which doesn't stand for anything in against the left shoulder in rhythm to ing), and hanging out with their new particular, but they like it anyway the two syllables of "Ween-us" companion campus fraternity ^-he , Bud get. 1 873-1188 because it sounds funny. Right now, which must be shouted simultane- "Viagra Falls " in the basement of Dif^ay, Week Or Longer. La Fleur Ai rt the Weenus all girl society consists of ously in a loud, belligerent tone. one of the frat row dorms. P ^ i v six juniors, two seniors (who are Secondly, although many of them While the Administration strives AH __ki J _ __, _ jf_3iinW5T I Waterville graduating this spring and will go on are professed vegetarians, the to keep these secret societies out of ^_Wff^v - >X--i to represent Weenus in Washington Weenus girls have a shared love of the Colby sodal scene, our investiga- iPi|||[E8_fiS-B Augusta DC and Delaware) a bunny named ham salad, that pink lumpy mayo tive reporting reveals that they are Nimbus, and their house mascot - a treat which on rare occasions is still going strong, So next year, make • Economy through luxury, plus 7 & 15 Passenger Vans \^ Zj^m \jJL \J baboon with three asses. Many at found during the lunch hours at sure when you are off to a kegger at JL the Main Street house that you call it • We rent -4-wheel drive Explorers, Expeditions &c Pick-up trucks AUEUSta St8t6 AiltJOrt Colby already are aware of the exis- Bob's, but which only two people at the "Weenus". Oh, and watch out for • One-way rentals available *AV-> —' ^~" — tence of Weenus, the members of the Colby probably touch, since the girls • Insurance replacement rentals __J______tf_filft___. society are extremely proactive on noticed that only two scoops are the lawn ornaments and the baboon ' this front with spreading the word, missing out of the chunky blob every with three asses, he bites if there isn't • We also tent Hurley-Davidsons M—mtKUwaSfK Nearly every day of tlie week shouts week. Though none of the girls have enough ham salad to go around. Get OUt of the rir__iui narv TM '^_____W_-K-yfl_T*__J Budget Car 4 Truck Rantal, vvt vu *.ui u^ uuuu ; , ^ -F ^mW a Global System of Corpowte and Uceniee Owrwd Loeatlor actually tried ham salad (well okay, Mexico/Caribbean or Central America $229 r.t. Europe $169 o.w. Other world wide des- tinations cheap. 4 k4 ______?Ja*" ^ i b ¦ ht m. " **4_i i______¦ (_^_r a ¦ __ ^^^^^^i ONLY TERRORISTS GET YOU THERE CHEAPER! 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' "'.." , ' . • - ' - »;• -** ' • ,, ' v ' ' ' l; " ' : ¦ ¦ ¦ ,¦ ¦ 'i ' ¦ ' V' ' — W¦ "" I-. • - ... .. ¦ ' ¦ ¦ ' ' : 'S' ' '' ' ' " ;vi; ¦77- 7- 7 7- , • * ; ¦ • * ; ; ¦ ¦ ¦' ' ; ' • 7 . . f^$ :¦;' 7,7 >, - ' ¦/. — y7-y7.>\ 7:^ \ ^7%S- : - ' • : •. v 7^ ;/ •7: v > . .7 j ,;, _ ;.;.,/. ' . . . ' ¦ , ¦< • // ¦ v. , '* ¦: ' . ¦' ' ,:¦ . ' , ,y- . * _ d*le MEi^please the yellowe§t of j onrnali-m Colby Echo files suit against Toyota Echo By words, justice will be served. no one who cares about their safety CRYEN' BRAINLESS driving. These A+E EDITOR The suit demands that Toyota would ever consider stop using the Echo name immedi- cars just burst into flames on the lie!" The Colby Echo legal team this ately. It also asks for seventy billion road. I saw it happen! No yrpekfiled a lawsuit in First District dollars as compensation for mental Attorneys for Toyota were Court against the Toyota corpora- anguish. unavailable for comment, but issued tion's new compact car, the Echo. "The emotional wear and tear on a statement saying that they have The suit alleges that -the car's contin- the hardworking kids who put confidence the "frivolous" suit will ued production represents a together this fine publication week be thrown out of court. "Mr. Hutz is defamation of the paper's good in and week out has been immea- a lunatic who is interested only in surable," Hutz said. ¦ his own finandal gain," the state- name. "They see these __, _._. , ., I HATE TOYOTA.COM "This is one of the rnost shocking quote-unquote 'Echoes' driving The offending automotnle. ment read. "He has represented and disturbing cases I've ever han- around the streets of picaresque the public is likely to associate an. "These two things have nothing nearly every member of the dled," said Echo attorney Lionel downtown Waterville and they just ugly, poorly built foreign car with. to do with each other. The Colby Simpson family and has lost every Hutz of the firm Dewey, Cheatem just waltz in and brazenly steal the collapse in front of WHOP and sob the Colby Echo, an inciteful, Echo has always had an immaculate time. We have every reason to and Howe. "The idea that an name of a newspaper that has been uncontrollably. No one should have thoughtful analysis of the week's reputation and is beloved by the believe that this suit will end the Japanese motor vehicle company in print since 1877 just makes me to go through that" events on the campus of Colby entire student body. The Toyota same way." established only in this century can sick to my stomach. Mark my The problem, Hutz says, is that College. Echo is a rattletrap rustbucket that SGA approves new language guidelines FAREWELL PERFORMANCE Sentences not containing like, * 'random * or 'sketchy' declared unconstitutional By CRYIN' BRAINLESS about them confusing us and stuff," A-t-E EDITOR The autnendment still needs to be ratified by the stu- dent body in an online vote to be held tomorrow, but In an effort to bring the Colby community together, Vocab is confident that it will be approved. "Like, any- SGA approved a constitutional amendment last night one who doesn't -vote for this law is just like, totally requiring every seatence spoken on campus to include sketchy," he said. the words "like," "random," "totally" or "sketchy." If approved, the law -mandates that anyone heard "We think that, like, people who uttering a sentence that does not use random words like 'strange' or include at least one .word from the offi- 'odd' to describe stuff that's sketchy cial Colby Slang dictionary will be given is just, like, totally sketchy," said a verbal warning by Security. Upon the newly appointed language czar second offense, the student will be Zero Vocab. "I, like, totally don't given a written warning. For each sub- understand people who don't say sequent offense, the offending speaker these words." will be fined twenty-five dollars per After several weeks of research, sentence. While exceptions will be made the Colby Slang Task Force present- occasionally for term papers, most ed its findings to SGA, prompting minor papers and Echo articles will be the cohstitutiona.1 amendment. required to follow the law. "There's, like, a lot of confusion Anyone who hears an offending sen- among students on campus when tence being spoken is asked to call the random people use words that are totally not part of Colby Slang Hotline at x5453 (LIKE) Colby Slang and stuff," said Task Force chairman leant and identify the speaker. Specially trained slangologists Talkright. "We think that by requiring everyone to speak will receive the call and dispatch a Slang Policeman from in this way,we can- like, reduce miscommunications and Security to issue the appropriate warning or fine. totally be able to get along better." So far, only four words have been approved to be in Vocab explained why he supported the amendment. the dictionary. However, Vocab anticipates that several words will be added in the near future. "We, like, con- "One day; I was talking to this totally sketchy guy in 1 Dana," he said, "and he was like, 'I don't find Sam to be sidered adding 'dude,' 'stuff' and 'cheesy to the list, but a very agreeable person. I frequently disagree with his we totally felt that not enough people used 'em yet. It positions in government class.' And I was like, "Dude, would be like, sketchy to have to come up with ways to what are you talking about? Is Sam random or is he use 'cheesy' all the time. Maybe we'll approve it next sketchy?' I totally had no idea what this random guy was year or something." saying." Asked whether he thinks this new law turns Colby Talkright said that by requiring all students to speak into a fascist Orwellian regime, replete with its own ver- exclusively in Colby Slang, such linguistic missteps sion of the Thought Police, Talkright responded, "Dude, would no longer occur. "By totally fining sketchy people 'Fascist?' 'Regime?' 'Orwellian?' 'Replete?' Those words who don't talk like the rest of us, we don't have to worry are just like, totally random and sketchy." Smoke pot. It 4 ECHO PHOTO BY BRIAN BOITANO %m mi C%A President and Mrs. Cotter prepare for their trip le-axle at the duo' s final performance of their careers. keeps the 3&£$ullif f iftl Cooking classes available Linda Cotter, who took the gold medal at the Lillehammer Olympics, will be replaced by an Olympic w^olb AuthenticTh ai Cuisine 10% dis^unt ^ f ir ca liber skier. President Cotter fust looks good in spandex. mind-controling j dinner take-out ¦ I^ B4^^ ______^^ %^te^^; ?c .. * • * t » w ¦ ¦ _ , , :. *. chlorine in the I^Sn?S^___BM_.m^s^»v^4 ** *\ *• Xf ,' * ** »* * * *;« * «» .iPAl* I •t ICI•_•» * ' *i\ * t C_S__rtf - J&mL buffet —all you can eat; 18 items l^l¥S_at____^%linii»fe^'& ' *'?- '* ,•* ) V _, v * , vAU- Ual , _ *• : j vC^- ? '* ? n » -J > , i t p lliMI »' « __^HHl___B«__Ba^WMM»w^*A_|_' _k i,^« '*. 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' .: i '' ' \ v 'V" ' ' '.- ' .; . ' ' v ' : "' '? " 7. • ' ' < ' ' ' / ' ' "-' .' Zach Kahn will y 4&W&W ¦ have found that-Canadians spend all their time , Hi Megs, • : 7 r - ' . .,. ,. : piss you off By Meghann Kraft dinner listening to Celine Dion, eating The ' newspaper I work started an "Sexy Toy" Foye and reminiscing aboot their times in grade want to have a beautiful beach,the gor- advice column this week. I was asked to make and trying to mount the mounties. Stick ' By ZACH KAHN geous ocean, nature itself, dirtied with Bad Advice Columnist nine, up all the questions that are going to be urbane, sophisticated French men STAPI-J INFECTION their perverted dothes. Some evert list with the answered. I thought; real pebple wrote to o an you the onl y way to eat their their children wander naked along die wh c show advice columns with real problems! I' m so' dis- "Outrageous!! A travesty!! It should snails without gagging, if you know what I ¦ ¦ ' beach. Here in the land of the Puritans Dear Ms. Toy, illusioned. What should I do? ' be illegal!!" and I think you do... and the country that gave you the film mean, These were the thoughts that ran I' m torn. I'm "American Pie," how could this hap- —- An undisclosed wrestling fan through my mind as my jaw droppe d going out with two en? Where could the Australians, the Dear Sexy, to the sand. The beach right outside of p guys at the same Europeans (those evil Scandinavians I had a teenage wedding. The old folks Dear Fan, Sydney, Australia was full of topless time. One of them is don't wear anything at the beach, the wished well Then I found out my new hus- women. Women objectifying them- Canadian and one of First of all , I feel like you shouldn 't French, ah, their souls are forfeit), and band is actually 47. not 15 like.he said. Should selves, degrading themselves, making them is French. sweat the small stuff... because it's all small the rest have gotten such a strong I divorce him? Or would that just piss off the themselves victims of serial pressures. hold Which one should I stuff. Also, don't worry if someone moved on American soil I ask you? Well , it is old folks? Luck il y this was not my country. stay with? your cheese. But, first and foremost, keep your easy: Blame the Hawaiians! Those damned Australians can do eyes on the prize—it's just chicken soup for the It all fits if you think about it. Those — Urna Travolta whatever they want since they are far — Lovelorn in Gay Paree soul. Remember, Men are from Mars and enough away that their poisonous blasted Hawaiians masquerading as a Women are from Venus. And while your at it, ideas cannot penetrate the American state out there on their little islands are Dear Gay, Dear Uma, a few Tuesdays;with Morrie wouldn't hurt. I laughing at us as our own children consciousness. Just as their devilish I feel like you already know the I feel like I have a few questions for hope this helps. romp nude throug techno music will never conquer the h the waves in Ft. answer to the question. I feel that since you you. Was it the souped-up jitney or the cherry- T aiirlbvHalc - ' . TVioir American air- sign ed your letter l ovelorn in "Gay Paree" as red '53 that did it? I find in these situations A+E Editor Cryin' Brainless actually made tip all waves their are the ones to you say, you feel that your heart is telling you that you must enter a dance contest. If you these questions. But don' t tell anyone, or he' ll execute Yes, and flesh in blame, they it was it was never ' morally corrupt to stay with the frog from the shores of the left win, stay with him. If you lose every motherfuckin last one of you. Arid yes, we were who let the waves of " " beachwear will its worst sense - bank and not the canuck from the igloo with meant to be. C'est la vie, said the old folks. It listening to the Pulp Fiction soundtrack when we never find popu- girls wearing dental that ugly mullet. In my personal experience, I goes to show you never can tell! wrote this. floss to cover their larity on the , women , little Men bottoms onto the Jersey shore. After all what children , even old beach. They it was would you expect who showed our A#0MOW from a country men and old young men it was ok founded by crimi- , to go without shirts, nals and who women all proud- to flaunt their tattoos a special message from your Echo famil y... walk around ly bearing their and nipple rings. It upside down all was the Hawaiians day!! flesh for all to see. who taught us to rub Howev er, as oil on our bodies you head off for and that hula thing the summer some of you will be is the basis for those certain women, you know the ones, inevitably drawn to an Australian cul- tural-invasion-device: the Beach. Their who do that hip walk on the beach. D-Day so to speak into our bastion of Scandalous!! political correctness. Just as they and What can be done fellow concerned their European allies have attempted to citizens? Well at this point I would say infiltrate our nightclubs and Page nothing. It seems the Australians and Commons dances with their mind- their evil European and traitorous numbing techno, the beach has Hawaiian allies have beaten us but we brought the most morally corrupt parts will find a way to retaliate. Someday of their culture home to the land of we will send them winter, or even worse Johnny Appleseed, Paul Bunyon and , a Maine spring. William Jefferson Clinton. Beware my fellow students, for if you approach the Zach Kahn has been hired as A&E coast this summer, if on a hot day you Editor for next year. You' re not done with decide to see the surf, the sun and the him yet. sand, you will also be exposing your- selves to the worst offenses to come from, that criminal infested land: Tlesh!! 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' : Fwnt WrtwM* E MfcWi' 'v^ ¦¦ ¦4ili\Mi^tAik' The Day After That 11 am, - Walt \Wacklness, tartness and overall hilarity took over the Spa, possi- • bly btcause of one of these a cappella groups ,Above , wacky dress. naked In the shower •At right, zaniness. Top tenter, hijin ks. Top right, hilarity ensues, stall with the water off pottom right, overall goofiness. to surprise the cleaning staff, After the Initial shock, Invite them In, • 7 p,m, - Start study- ^ for the ing for finals, BWA-HA- ^M Weekly HA-HA-HAMA s IFII on • 2 p,m, - Smash a |^ write a 500-word essay how piano with a golf: club, Pump your fist In the air awesome Colby is and why yo and yell I' m the fuckln ' manl Ye-owww Bee-otchl"' ' ' ¦ • , . • ' . ¦ ¦ ¦¦ ¦ ¦ - at ifavorite a ¦ ¦ i ; ¦ f e 77. ^7 7\7, ; ,. . . . . , , , . ^ -£ ,;*; :y^T. iW ^^ £ai>i>e^ ' . ¦: .^¦ f : .rvi :: " . - :. ';¦' . ' ' " nWKS-i.A-. xs. I-N*t -T _.* *r' . ". - - -rtefltt-*/. * Intoxig Stud ents on of the year Tom Collins-Levings th e Street Collins-Levings was on p ace to raise almost $800 in his "1,000 beers for Cancer" fundraiser, and was the mas- termind behind such efforts as the i Alcohol Awareness Week Case Rase. Levings managed to drink nearly 250,000 beers and enough gin and tonic ie to kill a small island nation this year,, 3 , but was still removed from academic probation. crqE PHOTOGRAPHER DIDN'T SURVIVE ENSUING RIOT, R.I.P. Ms _ ;; Co lby impo rts Pitchin Noodle !! | ' « By BYRONVOGEL instance, like in dodge ball, a player "O HUGE BEN STICKNEY FAN can peg the runner to get an out. Painnil indeed, but that is why players Colby College w ill have a new face wear protective footwear. Also in the i- on campus next year and a new ace on Thai game, their national anthem is not S3 the baseball team staff. He speaks litde sung at any point in the game. Instead, English but he can bring the noise with at the end of games everyone puts their o- a 97 mile-per-hour fastball. He's the arms around each other and sings the top pitcher in the Professional Leagues Pepsi theme song in a jovial fashion. 9 of Thailand and next year he'll be a Bizarre, but tradition nonetheless. cr WhiteMule. Finally,to start games, as every player n Major League scouts were flabber- on the field is introduced over the P.A. gasted when the 22 year-old Tom Yum system, a busty local female celebrity ? Suk jassed up offers from teams like kisses him on the cheek. the "Yankees, "Braves and Reds. Said Back to the issue at hand. Why the i Yankee bench coach Don Zimmer, hell would Yum Suk choose to leave "Did somebody say something about Thailand where he is the country's McDonalds?" most celebrated son? Women faint at Legend has it, in his first year in the his sight on TV and men start fistfights 8* League, Yum Suk nailed an opponent to get his autograph. What gives? Thai n between the eyes with a fastball; the food, thafs what. player still hasn't come out of his coma. Yum Suk's mother is an experi- 5- i ECHO FIELD REPORTER IN THAILAND i Yum Suk, though, has pinpoint con- enced chef. It is her passion and her 3 trol. livelihood. She owned a restaurant in Tom YumSuk' s mother and sister preparing for their trip to In another game, he struck out Thailand, but two weeks ago had to America. Did you think noodles grew on trees? every batter in the first two innings. In shut it down because there weren't the third, he intentionally walked the enough customers. Then she heard Colby. "On road trips my players are torn kha gai ped paradaise yum first three hitters to load the bases then about Waterville and the success of tired of eating bag lunches from Bobs seafood." Indeed, he's'very excited, struck out the side. He finished the Thai food restaurants. of avocado and lettuce sandwiches. espedally about the chicken in coconut game with 14 strikeouts, a new record Extreme Thai opens later this sum- Thai food from Yum Suk's restaurant milk. in the Professional Leagues. mer on College Avenue. Yum Suk, a will give the guys the strength they As the little girl in the Pepsi com- You see, in Thailand they only play devoted son, will .help his mother need to perform their best." merdals sings: Bah buh bah bah bah, seven innings so his strike out total is behind the counter and in the kitchen. In a telephone interview, Yum Suk bah buh bah bah bah the joy of drunk- quite impressive. The game across the White Mules coach Tom Dexter is spoke about his plans to play baseball en noodles. Pacific has other subtle differences. For thrilled to have Yum. Suk enroll at for Colby: "Tod mun pla peek gai tod I This just in... Aparently the Heart of the Ocean Diamond wasn't the only treasure lost in the sinking of the Titanic: Researchers recently pulled this horse, shown at left; from thewreckage of the fated oceanliner while pilagJ ing... um, I mean searching for rare artifacts. While many are puzzled with the question of how a horse could survive for nearly eighty years in the ocean depths, the real fa scinaton seems to lie with the unusu- al bit and bridal the horse was found porting. Studies show that the inscriptions on the gold inlay are iri Aramic, though years of corosion have prevented them from being translated as of yet. Contracts are presently being negotiated for the sale of these 'finds' on eBay. > On another note, if anyone is interested in a sturdy horse requiring little care, please contact Shelby and Glenn Nelson at 555-7865. 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' '' '<* ¦*> ii#•••••• 'TssT 1 : ' • , - .:¦ j, M, , - • - -r.• ¦ • ¦ -I ' . Sports Editor: Yow mom Hot Damn!! Get a load of the backy ard on this fella! I heard this guy's ass just elected its own congressman ...It' s funny ccuz he's fat ,t/w »' in _Ae ®Wfer j A Bunch Gender war: women 2, men 0 of Numbers Softball pounds baseball , proves2000 records no coincidence By SCHEHCTY BECKLER 1 Sports Heckler It took a doubleheader to determine what the Fish difference in records between the Colby baseball and softball teams really meant. It started out innocently enough. The baseball team jokingly challenged the softball team to a 2 good-natured game of slo-pitch after the teams' yearl y Bats-and-Balls barbecue on Craftsmen Fish Field. "The guys were kidding around, telling us (Red Fish, like they always do that Softball's a Playskool version of baseball, blah, blah, blah, and we said Blue Fish) it's not true" said Kate Maxirnuson '02. "I said don't knock it till you try it, you know? So then they're like, you're on, let's go." The game was scheduled for 2:30 p.m., an 3 hour after the barbecue. Darcy Slugger '02 knew right away that the game was serious. AM.I "We were lounging around after eating, hanging out and resting when we noticed the must be guys had disappeared," she said. "We were like, okay, and then they came back all decked out in order. The men then put two up on the board in lone ly their uniforms. We were like, right..." their turn at bat. From then on, though, it was all The men insist they were just having some women. fun. Yellowbird was on the mound again for the "We thought it'd be funny of we showed up Lady Mules. After giving up two in the first, 4 in our gear," said co-captain G.Love Smitty '00. Yellowbird proceeded to shut the men down, "It started out as a joke anyway." scattering four hits over the next five innings. Number The game began with the men giving the "I rediscovered my game from my Little women choice of playing first in the field or at- League days," she said. of bat. The women took the field first, with Steph "That duck's got one nasty curve," said Nat Yellowbird '01 on the mound. Gibbie '03, who went 1-6 on the day. birthday After walking the first two batters, The game was close, remaining 4-2 until the Yellowbird settled down and began to serve up seventh. The men added one after the stretch candles strikes. The men, however, hardly managed to and then tied it up in the bottom of the eighth. "We thought we had them then," said Smitty. make contact. Don King '02, the team's offensive ECHO PHOTO BY PUZZO'S MOM on your leader and clean-up hitter, was the only man in With the shadows growing taller on the grass, Colby softball showed its male counterpart who the dad dy is. Despite a dismal season, the women stepped up for the last time. After the top of the first able to put the ball in play. But the boy' s team thought it could take the White Mule women. cake if King could only manage a dribbler down the the leadoff batter, Kissyface, got on, Presley third base line, easily scooped up by Slugger retired the next two hitters. Next up was ' re 4 who threw to Maxirnuson for the out. Maxirnuson, team leader in every offensive cate- you King. "It was unbelievable. mercy rule. The score was 23-0. Tevin Presley '03 gory, including home runs. Presley served one The first inning was representative of the The men managed a decent rally in the top of was upset. men's offensive efforts for the entire game. They up right down the middle and Maxirnuson went the fourth, recording two base knocks and four "How patronizing can you get?" he said. yard to give the women a two-run advantage. just couldn't get it up. runs, though they were unearned, The women "Mercy rule my ass." " God tha t was embarrassi ng," said Randy Tracy Shutdown '03 came on in the ninth and 5 committed an uncharacteristic three errors. To appease the men, the women accepted a went one-two-three for the save. Stumble '01. Caroline Kissyface '03 booted the ball for all re-match, this time playing America's game in Golden The women, however, ran up the score, cross- With their amazing performance, the women three errors. Kissyface had no comment in its pure form. The nightcap of the doubleheader truly proved that the game of baseball is not gen- ing the plate at least three times in each inning. response to accusations of pity errors, began at 5:00 p.m. A crowd began to gather. rings The men's infield hardly touched the balls as the der specific. The men were taking their thrashing pretty The men made a promising start. The women "Yeah, we have bragging rights now I guess," outfielders kept running after the women's well until Risa Catchwell '00 called the game had a tough time at the plate as the men's num- offensive blasts as they flew over their heads. said Shutdown. "But we didn't need these after the top of the seventh, invoking Softball's ber one hurler Presley sat the women down in games for that. Just look at our records," 6 "We kept backing up after every hit," said Slick snakes PPD considering Crew team murders Bates,Bowdoin — really slipp ed flooding men's Aargh, the slaughter began on the high seas on a day like none other up the By CAPTAIN McALLISTER stake and PLUNDERING PIRATE BATTEN DOWN THE lacrosse field HATCHES, I CRIED, AY, ME six slick Argh„.let me tell ye mateys about me MATEY It worked f orthe baseball team, a PPD race the other day, Ay,it was a race for the S, THE HATCHES I snakes ages, it was. I remember like it was yester- SAID. ARGH, BUT WE HAD official tells f ans who don 't want to witness day, Argh, but it was yesterday. Ay, mateys, slipped the slaughter any longer. -the odds were against us, argh, the gods NO HATCHES TO BATTEN, were against us that day. Ay„.what was I ARGH. AY, FELT AS I DID down Members of Colby's mumbling about? Ay, the race, yes, ay. And Physical Plant Department -what a race it was. Argh„.such a storm, a BEFORE I GOT ME SEA- confirmed Wednesday that storm ye've never seen the likes of before LEGS, I DID, AY they were considering flood- md pray never to see again. 7 ing the lacrosse field for the Argh, and the sea, die sea she was an remainder of the season. angry mistress, she was, Ay, we raised the skull and crossbones high and set out at wench that day, ay, and no hatches to bat- 1 Ideal "It got the baseball team to Aaargf i dawn, we did. Cut through the water like a , the crew meet be a swash- ten, ', play most of their games away," buckling good time. baby said one groundskeeper who knife through flesh, we did, argh, Ay, I With cries of mutiny me mateys and I ; admitted he closed drainage leaned into me oars and pulled with all me grabbed that land-lubber and pushed him ; , h, name for lines and opened water mains might, Ay,.,the captain he called out 'stroke, ay, the waves, knocking up against the ship, to the plank ay. Arg I swore that dog'd ; swim with the sharks and he , ; late at night. "I was just trying me mateys, stroke, I say,s troke!' 'Stroke!' he they were. Batten down the hatches, I cried, did/ mateys George to save them the embarrass- kept saying. ay, me mateys, the hatches I said, ay, he did. With me parrot calling 'caw, , , stroke, ' ment of having to play a home Ay, with me peg leg beating along with Argh, but we had no hatches to batten, stroke me mateys caw , and me peg . leg setting a steady rhythm we pulled ; Costanza game, I think it might be pru- his shouts, ay. 'Stroke.' Argh, the scurvy argh. Ay, felt as I did before I got me see- ^ dog„.ay, by the whiskers In Bluebeard's legs, I did, ay. Argh, And then, out of my ahead and won the day,ay, we did, ay, And ; ' dent to offer the lacrosse team « the same courtesy." beard, I muttered, He'll swim with the good eye, ay,I see the mast of those yellow- the gutless crews of the other ships ran off, , * The staff member main- sharks, he will, with the sharks, ay. But I bellied land-lubbers coming up closer, ay, argh as me mateys and I prepared to plun- der, 0 tained he didn't blame the stroked, ay, and I stroked, I did, and closer, 'Arghl'-1 cried to the captain, argh. - 'Ay, ye scurvy dog, napping at the wheel But we caught those spineless dogs and , squad for its performance. era early in the third quarter/' Argh, With matey 1 afore me and matey back there are ye? Argh, if s time fer ye to ran them through with our swords, we did, Amount I "Hey, they were great for he said. "I have a fifth of 2 aft, we were pulling ahead, ay, we were, lank, ay, yer time has come, ay, it ay. Argh, in a fortnight wc sail to calmer the Inst three years, It's a the ay.Argh , then Neptune stirred with his trl- walk to p whisky I keep in one of has, org;h. Are ye with me mateys? Ay? Are waters, ay, to bury the treasure, never to be < care if rebuilding year nnd I think lockers and I get good and ton, ay. Argh, soaked to the skins, we were, ye? Argh ,' Argh, the sea she was an angry found, me mateys, never to be found, argh, - they woul d be best served If liquored up in the shower, It's mateys, thnt we were, argh. And the waves, you think nobody knew they weren 't tough, If we were on the road, playing quite so well, If they I'd be able to get blitzed and this is ha d to play nil their games on hit tho bus.", the road, that would help." Ozzaro and baseball head funny or Currently, the baseball field coach Ibm Heckler can often is in bad condition because of be found at the Bob Inn on We have pic tures of riot, extensive rain and poor Tuesday nights reliving their Bliss. Bliss , I' m comln for you your parents naked, dra inage - facilitated of course glory days nr^d singing old dammitl by PPDs courteous actions cm Bruce Springsttiin songs while Bliss. Be outside , I'm gonna you dfrty, dir ty child. behalf of the athletic depart- drinking away their sorrows, ment, come by. Bo at the road , Bliss , No wonder you "Sometimes, it hel^s to have those dreams. ?! (Head conch Dave Ozznro blame ndml^»lons,'' Heckler ; I' m gon na slow down for you , gcricl ho appreciated the gesture. said, "It's jUst good that we've ; : ' ¦ ''Sometimes I hit the show- got PPD on our side," ^f ^v !- 1 ; '^ ': ¦ ' ¦ " ¦ ' 1 / r-- ;. Bliss. ¦ ¦ . ¦ •* • ¦;. ¦ • <7\7' 'V' ;\>. , . • 'V ' . ' . .. ' ¦ •' ,; • . ¦ ' ¦ - '. - V-' ' , ¦,- , „ . >¦; ;,,. , , .:. * ., ..; .^* _ Y,!'\ . ' - • ' ' ' . . ' ' '7:7^:77 ' ' 777.7m' 7 v. ^Y'* - '- ' * CHAMPAGNE ON THE STEPS CANCELLED New fall social , hold pig roast Seniors announc e "We 'll a instead! " event not By GHENG1S KHAN WORLD CONQUPRER so social In a shocking announcement late Monday afternoon President of the College William " Bro" Adams Screw-Your- declared that seniors would not be allowed to participate in the last day Roommate dance of classes celebration on the steps ol Miller Library. Traditionall y seniors to be replaced by have gathered at noon on the steps of the library and as the noon bell Screw-Yo urself rings each has celebrated their com- ing graduation with a bottle ot dance Champagne. Instead of the usual Screwing your roommate is contro- roped of I area and trash cans for bet- versial, as this year 's Student ties, seniors should expect to find Government Association found out. riot police fresh fro m Quebec City Screwing yourself, however, is not. So awaiting them at noon on the slops. the Colby class of '05 can look forward "This sort of behavior is eNactlv to screwing themselves come next fall. , " declared the what I am opposed lo Roommates will be asked to leave President. "I heard that last year a their rooms so that their roommates young woman was struck on the can have "alone time." head with a bottle and injured. I am "What their roommates do with not interested in a repeat of such a this time is up to the individual," tragedy." according to the proposal. Tlie announcement came as pari It is expected that students will not of a package of changes the adminis- necessarily "screw themselves,' but tration is attempting to imp lement instead "make love to themselves." for the new school year. While it is Roommates are encouraged to leave not part of ihe new official "Five- candles lighted and to put on soft, Year Plan ," the changes are j'elated romantic music. Dancing will be to Bro's strong stance against tobac- optional, attire casual. co and nlcohol. "It's really all about getting to "If students continue to make know yourself," reads the SGA litera- wrong decisions about their health , ture. the college must, and will take a One might ex pect next year 's fi rst- stand ," said President Bro . year students to be disappointed by However, in a taped interview, the change of dance. Au contraire. when asked about other illegal sub- "I don't really like to meet new stances the President was not quite people. Instead , I like having the room as harsh: to myself so I don' t need to constantly "Marijuana , hell , tha t 's alright. I look over my should'.')' or stifle my smoke grass, t he wife smokes grass, screams when I'm getting in touch everybod y smokes grass. This col- with myself," said Meaty Wadmaker lege will continue to support the '05. smoking of marijuana as well as One potential worn* that current continue its efforts lo curb the Social Programming Board members shameful drinking behavior of ils are already beginning to address is the students." possibility that Colby Internet service While many students were upset Unidentified Colby senior readies fo r the pig roast on the president' s huvn. When asked where they could find a pig at such short notice, will be down during the "dance." over the new rule, many in the the seniors re f used to specify. Said one senior, "Let's just say that we didn 't have to look that far." "Obviously tin's is a big concern," senior class seemed iml,i/ed said one SPB member. "In the case of Shortl y after the President 's patron- , noon and no meal credit is required . Internet service disruption , we will izing re fusal to allow ihe slops fun , The menu will consist of roast pig. dispense emergency rations of Emil y Mali I inn in '01 and Jon lingo! Mahlman added that there would Penthouse and Swank throughout the '01 senior class representatives , a Iso be vegetarian options for "those Bro s pig mysteriously disappears ' dorms, We hear that there is a stash cooly announced that instead o\ tin , fuckin ' hi sissy Poss vegan types p- "Where is my pig?" asked Papa Adams upon return- dressed up as a ghost to scare kids out of his haunted somewhere in the Echo archives-we're Champagne on the Steps , the sen ioi ies." Evidentl _i protest may have p y ing to his May flower Hill presidential residence last night. Miller Library. He would have gotten away with it too, if not afraid to use it. " class would be hosting an all cam- alread been planned by students y All he wanted was to sit at his easy chair, pipe in hand , it hadn' t been for those meddlin ' kids. Prior lo the event, l-shirls reading pus Pie Roast on from Unity while surrounded by his wife, loving children , and pig. So far Pedro has not been returned and the kids' par- "Go Screw Yourself!" will be available the President 's College. They Alas, Adams was denied this scene of domestic tranquili- ents remain blissfull y unaware of their children 's secret for purchase in Cotter Union, Lawn. will be joined by ty as Pedro has strayed from his cubicle on the Adams's lives as child detectives. Calamity may ensue when rebellious "We thoug ht their dreadlocked lawn. first years wear their new, rude l-shirts since we can' t Colb y compatri- "Has he been kidnapped? Gosh , 1 hope not," said home. have the steps fes- ots. Anti-SUV Maina Bruce. Pre-gaming for the dance will also tivities we should stickers will be Both children, alert to the possibility that some greater be a solitary activity. Dean Assman's still celebrate," handed out, there evil is at pl ay, have formed an elite, child-onl y detective proposal to ban hard alcohol is widel y said Hngol. "And will also be face squad called Sean and Carmen's Super l.iiper Gumshoe expected not lo actuall y work, but to whal bellor way painting, a kiss Crew to bring back their beloved swine. drive drinking into the closets of first- than by inviting the pi booth and g Unfortunatel y for the kids, Papa Adams and Wife have year students wilhoul a "social" dance the whole school a free seminar set an arbitrary bedtime of 9:30 p.m. lo go to. Pii'sl-yoar students will likel y to a traditional titled: "Dude, The kids were able to operate as amateur sleuths by pour themselves a glass of j-ed wine; Maine Pig Roast that is inappro- sneaking out of the house by attaching sevei'a l articles of but will by no means binge drink. courtesy of the Senioi - Class." priate. bed linen together and sliding oul of their bedroom win- Students are also supposed to ask The pig which will be roasted is While il may be sad to see such a dows, unnoticed by their snoozing parents. themselves "how far they are willing from a mysterious source which wonderfu l ( rendition leave Colby, the The kids, equipped with the latest Spy Gear, lapped to go" before Ihe "screwing " begins, would not be divul ged h y Ihe new senior tradition seems to be a into the internet to become cybor-slculhs, They then went Since Ihe new dance will offend no seniors. "Well , lot 's j ust say the pi g positive in an otherwise dark-look- to severa l area pig farms. But il wns all for naughl. one, it will be good, is from a source dose lo Colby," said i ng-futuie. Lot' s just hope that pig The kids apprehended one ghost and suspected pig Mahlman. champagne, tastes a little like thief; but il tu rned out jusl lo be just Old Man Miller Pedro 's last remains litter the Adams ' lawn •Patric k}. /l/V/iii/Zs linv up lo his mime The p i g roast will slarl nroimd MIDG ETS: QUEER!: TIGHT: Colby to host Coughlin Some people just f irst annual emphatically got a nice ass. "Midgets-wilh- approves Queer Unfortunately this Studies program. Echo editor is just Mvllets After one magical not one of 'em. Basketball night, the new Talk about a In vitational." SGA prez claims "Colby Bubble!!!" " Who says to have seen the \ we're not light - and it was diverse? f abulousl" r Pal's Briefs R Dirty "Mullets and more mullets" Stale joke Lady bird s rule! pg. sidelines Look! Mid guts!* cover "Early Bi rds win it all" pc. 36 June 1.5th ¦ suckahs! ¦ ¦ ¦ : ¦ f wamKmmmmmBimmi X7 ' 7, . - . • . .. ,„ - i; ^^^ ;^^^^ .v. .:. • • ___ . . . 77 7777&mMmmmmmm 92 M NEWS BRIEF S! PREPPY WHI TE KIDS oose chanaes format: • Former Echo news editor quar- Da Hill Bitches love me -sr-" 77-ss-—. ^P^ ^ *T^ *™*[~!7 * antined for foot-and-mouth • " After returning from a semester Editor-Packing -Meat Listeners hail new all rusty PATRICK J. BIGBALLS , abroad in London , former Echo BECKY DA-ERECTOR , Ravishing Editor news editor Ryan Davis was taken into the custody of the U.S. JON SILVER-BULLET, Booze Ed. HOT NICKELS, Abbie's Bitch. nails on the blackboard" policy JONATHAN YEEECH, Swimming Stud "HANGDM' WITH" VAL COOPER, Department of Agriculture for sus- PYSCHIATRIC WARD, Lobotomy Ed. Lovable Oakland schoolteacher As of last Monday, 92 Moose, Colby students hailed the lowing across America after picion of bring ing foot-and-mouth , KING KAHN, Marauding Gorilla KILLA ROACH, Black Flag Rep. "Central Mai ne's Number One change. "I always wondered 'why every other pop station began disease onto American soil. AAAAWON BURR, Got Milk? JABBERWOCKY, Mystical Beast JJ. Hit Music Staition," formall y they played songs from when I playing their song. Yesterday, the "As everyone Janows, foot-and- ABBIE NUKE 'EM, Get bombed Editor JULIA GULLA, Ifs not funny,dammit ended its policy of playing music was in third grade and had the 6-hour track, titled "Baby, I Wish mouth is a deadl y disease that can MISTRESS SUZE , "Business" Mngr. LISA UKELELE, Don Ho's Love Child be spread from farm animals to , that no one likes now and Has gait to call themselves a 'h it I Was Your Baby," was the num- JENN, Thafs Madam President to you! SIR RYAN DAVIS British media mogul humans merel y by being in the PLAYAHATIN' KATTLIN , Crotch grabber. SEE-MORE-BUTTS, But See Less of My never liked in the past. Artists music' station ," said Jenny ber one video on MTV's "TRL" DAVID BOHUNK, I AM a triathlete! Love-Handles such as Britn ey Spears , the program. The video features the same country as them," said USDA Backstreet Boys, Mr. Big and managers, Chip Stanton and agent Roger Smithson. "The fact The Colby Echo is a weekly newspaper published by a bunch of Colby kids ri g ht now , you're Snow have "been abolished' from Jared McVitters, scraping rusty that Davis has spent four entire who drive SUVs and smoke pot. It comes out Thursday of each week that this months in a country where every mother fucker is in session. the playlist in favor of a 24 loop probabl y wonder- nails on a chalkboards in several of the sound of rust y nails being Waterville-area elementary single animal has been infected ing how much we disease requires Erotic Letters and steamy fiction slowly scraped across a black- schools. The two men recently with this deadl y The Echo encourages letters from irritable assholes, especially those within board. The new format has been dr ank Tuesd ay made a guest appearance on TRL that he be quarantined for the next the immediate community. Letters should not exceed 400 words and must per- met with ra pturous app lause with Carson Daily; six months. Have you been watch- tain to some real ill shit. Letters are due by Sunday at midnight for publication- from music-lovers across the ni ght. Truth be "So you guys ar e from ing the news? They have set all the the same week - and this pertains to Dean Kassman, too. Letters should be shat animals on fire! This must T?e some Waterville area. told , even we Waterville, Maine? " asked Daly upon repeatedly and must refer to the administration as "The Man." The Echo disease. do you think no one ' The station decided to make on the. show. "Thaf s just like, so Why will not, under any circumstances, print any old bullshit. Ya gotta rock da party don goes to England anymore? As soon ya wanna be down wit the Echo, ya punlc bitch. the; change after they all sobered 't know. it was totally awesome. Are you down 'til the breaka breaka dawn if as you get off the plane at If possible, please submit letters that are about listening to your body instead up -from the several- years -long j ust enou gh to with Christina and Justin at all?" of music at the gym. The Echo reserves the right to edit all submissions to make drugs arid alcohol binge that had Stanton and McVitters Heathrow , you drop dead with fes- kids look like suckas. convinced them that peop le actu- writ e the funnie st exchanged blanlc looks for a tering boils all over your body. Lousy cows." ally wanted to hear what they j oke issue ever. moment. "You do realize that Editorials are Phat were playing. we're j-ust scraping rusty nails on Davis, who had been tapped to The Editorials are the official opinion of your mother. Opinions expressed in "What the hell? Did we play the blackboard, fight? How idiot- be the Echo's editor-in-chief before the individual columns, advertising and features are those of the Jeff Calareso. 'O pposites Attract ' b his gruesome infection , was Yeah, we know he sucks. y Paula Andersen '04. "I really like the ic are you people?" said Stanton. Abdul today ? Why? People did- new stuff. The rusty nails have a At that moment, the crowd of unavailable for comment, as he make contact. Skin-to-Skin Contact n' t; even like that song in 1988!" really great beat and you can twelve-year-olds in Times Square had been bound and gagged in the Please tell us that you are angry we did not include an article about your said general manager Dom dance to them." burst in to ear-splitting scream of basement of Boston's Logan busted-ass sports teamsor variety-minded cultural event. We really caie. McDougall , stumbling out of a The two station managers who approval. Airport. As a precautionary mea- haze broug ht on by years of alco- recorded the infernal scraping sure , he has been given a total 1-800-YO-MAMMA crackho @colby.edu hol and opium abuse. have gained a massive cult fol- frontal lobotomy so that there is no chance that his foot-and-mouth will turn into mad cow disease and infect Americans from coast to Johnson Pond to become Student Parking Lot coast. ByJENN Security broug ht in from those park- •Bassett retires again... MADAME PRESIDENT ing tickets provided us with the fund- oh, wait. No he doesn't * ing we needed to install automatic Lee Famil y Professor of The College announced on flushing toilets in every bathroom on campus. Without that , our project will American Studies and English Tuesday that a fourth parking lot will Charles Bassett announced his be added to for student use. After be put on hiatus. It shows that the school is insensitive to the needs of retirement again this year, only to extensive discussions with. President retract it moments later. Adams, die Trustees, the Facilities and those who can't flush their own toi; "You know, I do this every Plant Committee , Colb Security and lets. This is a traged y." y year," he said. "And I always come the College Architect , it was decided The new lot will be tiered and con- back , I didn 't even plan to retire Pond would be drained , nected to the existing one in Hillside. that J ohnson this year, but ifs just gotten to be a filled and paved. Following the Hillside model, stu: habit. Don't worry, I'll still be on "After towing 162 students and dents will not be able to drive from campus in the fall, reading ghost distributing 576 parking tickets in this one level to the next, instead , they will have to exit behind frat row and drive stories and everything else. See one semester alone, we realized that you then!" we needed to consider solutions to the around to the side entrance of AMS to re-enter onto the next level. . Students reacted to the "We think this is most practical announcement with disbelief. "I was shocked ," design concept - this way, students said Sarah Ellen Marvin '03. YOU LAZY SACK OF won' t speed around the "various lev- "I nvas sure this would be the year Bassett finall els. And with more spots, when PPD y checked SHIT! READ THE out, but he fooled us all again. That plows in the winter, it doesn't matter if man is full of surprises!' ' WHOLE DAMN ARTI- 25% of the spots are taken up by snow - we have a shitload more to pick up CLE! I BET YOU READ • Bates Student , the slack." said College Architect . Bowdoin Orient bought out b CONDENSED BOOKS Student feedback was mixed. y Echo* "Sweet, it works for me, said . IN READER'S DIGEST! The Colby Echo, led by all-pow- "Now when I'm coming back from erful media baron Patrick AND YOU CALL the Bob-In on Tuesday nights, I can J. Bigballs, absorbed Maine 's two drive my car in reverse down eight YOURSELF A COL- other small-college newspapers in levels of parking lot instead of just a hostile takeover Tuesday night. three. More parking means less com- LEGE STUDENT. The staff of the Bates Student and petition with the other guys on the PHOTO COURTESY OF THU FUNNY ECHO I'HOTO EDITORS OF YORE the Bowdoin Orient were summar- student parking problem ," said Dean football team who are just gettin g Someone mistakingly parked this vehicle in the senior lot xvithout a sticker for three minutes. ily fired by Bigballs and replaced of Students back from the Bob-In too." Janice Kassman. "We park my Range Rover." dadd y just paid it off, People should mental policy major. When asked how with staff writers from the Echo. noticed that [*] agreed. "Now when I'm coming ther e are only 958 parking One freshman girl was hesitant just relax. It' s a sacrifice you lnave to else the parking problem could be "These two papers have been a spots for students on campus , home from the Farmhouse at 5 in the and 962 about the idea. "I don't know if make, you know?" said one freshman solved, he was vague. "Peop le want disgrace to their distinctive institu- registered drivers. Therefore morning, I won't have to drive my , we paving over J ohnson Pond is the right girl. this campus (o become an asphalt jun- tions long enough," said Bigballs in thoug ht it would be practical to con- drunk ass all over campus looking for thing to do. Seriously,I don't mind get The Environmental Coalition had gle. It spoils the natural beauty of our a speech at Bowdoin attended by struct an enormous new parking a sweet spot. I can just play around in lot a parking ticket here and there. What stern words for the administration , campus , and it's downrig ht selfish. I his idols Ted Turner and Rupert that would show our students how the extended Hillside parking lot, are people complaining about any- "This is a perfect examp le of the mean really, paving the pond? Fuck Murdoch. "It was high time the much we care about their needs." reversing down eight aisles and bang- way? How much are those tickets? I College's apath y toward environmen- that!" he screamed as he pealed out of Echo did the socially responsible Gus Libb ing up those shitty Expeditions and y, Assistant Director of mean, my Lexus has been ticketed six tal issues, This solution just is not ade- the Bob' s lot his Lexus SUV (20 mpg). thing, stepped in and graced Bates PPD was outraged. "The revenue that Volvos until 1 find a somewhere to times this year, and each time my quate ," said an anonymous environ- and Bowdoin with the glorious journalistic standards of the Colby Echo. As reasons why the takeover Kassman suffers heart was necessary, Bigballs cited the Sinister studies program approved two papers ' horrible pictures , attack , Echo to blame poorly wr itten articles , lack of a By G-SPOT O'BRIEN men. Countless every day items are dif- writing staff and painfull y unfun- ficult or impossible for a left-hand- "Students on the Street " lently shaking a copy of the Echo," DAVIS'S MINI-ME "Colby is only perpetuating the ny By MAXWELL EDISON historic persecution and oppres- ed person to use, such as musical columns. The Bates Echo and the said the President' s Secretary Jackie MED. MAJOR ," says sin- instruments , sports equipment , Bowdoin Echo begin publication O'Nasis , "nnd screamed 'Get that Citing the lack of a left-handed sion of the left-handed , rulers , three-ring binders , next week. bumbling fool Kassman on the and ambidextrous perspective in ister sophomore • Jacqueline scissors Tragically, Dean of Students -"Growing can openers , and furniture. "There phone' I called her and Lisa picked cour ses and campu s lif e, the Rober ts '03. up, my Janice Armo Kassman has been hos- are a very small number of left- ' up the phone. She explained that administration has agreed to the grandmo ther would tell me that • Colby Reader , the Street pitalized after suffering a massive being handed Janice was temporaril y disposed , formation of a Sinister Studies left-handed pick up Puli tzers * heart attack on Thursday afternoon , d e s k s , that she would have her call back." minor. It is expected that students is a sign of the April 26. Kassman is currentl y in " devil. She even reports t t i G e a • As It turns out, "Janice was busy will ' "fe e able to elect this minor In an unprec eden ted move, in ensive ceae a Ma ne en ral nd tried convincing Harper , "and her condition remain s critical. puk ing into her garbage can when beginnin g in the spring semester. Colby's own .The Colby Reader my arents that I the ones they "J anice had been under a lot of Bro called," said DuBois, I t will include cour ses studying p was awarded a Pulitzer Prize for should tra in do have' are stress recently," said husband Moments later , Adams, still fum- the literature of openly left-hand- "layout excellence." Although the myself to be lud i cr ously Lawrence Knssman , On Wednesday, ing, call ed Kassman personally and ed writers and analyzing pas t Puli tzer Prize committee has never righ t-handed. I small arid of during a weekly meeting with the demanded she speak with him. As oppression of land-handed and before bestowed one its coveted i e unc omfort- Echo it was disclosed that an article, Adams later recalled , "I was just so amb idextrous individuals (who kept try ng to t ll award s upon a college publication , her tha t [being able. " Tho featuring her recommenda tions and angry, you must understand the pref er to be ref erred to as sinister, one sour ce close to the selection left-handed] was- lecture halts update to the Thistee Commission nature of the situation. ,;! feel terri- reclaiming the Latin word Indicat- committee revealed: "We have n't a choice, that in Lovejoy, on Alcohol would be published in ble," ing! both had luck and a left orien- never seen anything like the work it was part of my identity. " OUn , and Bixler lack nny lef t- Thursday 's edition. ' Adams ref used to elaborate on tation). of this outstanding reader. Those Others believe that Colby can- hand ed seating consideration s ' Kassman who had done her best wha t was said during his conver sa; * Among stud ent complaints kids have put together some of the not truly encourage diversi ty whatsoever , Sinister students are to keep the matter confiden tial, Hon with Kassman , O'Nasis con- were the shorta ge of openly sinis- most sophisticated and eye-grab- while ignoring sinister issues. for ced to conform to the right- remarked "Oh shit," then dismissed firmed that Adams was screaming ter facult y members , the lack of a bing layout in the history of print "Our history and culture is told handed desks, putting their acade- the Echo from her office hurriedl y violently into the phone arid pound- dean or administra tor to address journalism ." from the poin t of view of the ri ght- mics, grades , and even health at before calling her secretary Lisa ing his pig Pedro as hie spoke with sinister concerns, the almost total The editors of The Colby Reader handed oppres sors/' gripes risk in , doing so, Some studies DuBois into the office. Kassman then Kassman. absence of left-handed individuals were unavailable for comment. Francis Harper 'Ol, "Man y other have linked sinister right-handed went on a tirade , stopping DuBois explained , "as J anice was portrayed In campus publications , They wer e, however, stoned . only after colleges have alr eady started to desk use to chronic should er, nock, DuBois had begun to cry. getting yelled at by Bro her f ace and , most importantl y, the paucity The Street, the satirical and Incorporate courses nnd prog rams and back pnin . ' "I didn' t mean to ive the report turned a chalk y, pasty white color, of left-handed desks, At a hearing often uproa rious Colby humor g devoted to sinister studies , Isn't it " Af t lained the situati on (to the Echo)," her eyes dilated , she gasped and on the Issue last week several stu- er I exp flyer Is also rumored bo be among said DuBois, "It was time we brough t the unique to wy chir opractor ," explained in honest mistake ," then collapsed on the floor. I rushed dents broughti ip the fact that only about , next year 's Pulitzer finalists for perspec tive of the left-handed into sinister Joseph Diggins '02, "he After die article was published to her side and screamed for help." 10% bf the Colby student tody Is "outstanding grammar and copy- our curriculum as woll?" told mo that ' unless the problem on Thursday , President William DuBois then called 911 and an left-handed, which is lower than editing in a flyer or handou t." D. Many ri ght-handed individuals was remedied soon, he and other Adams> Who had not yet seen a copy ambulance came moments later. the estimate national overage of 13% , ^ do not realize the extent of sinister docto rs would join together to sue of Kmmm' i recommendation, was , Knssmnn 's husband concluded , Thoy called tor more aggres- 2001 Echo Staff Selected! "all we can do now Is pray ," , , sive admlisl pns recruitin g of sinis- bias around them , "Spu th pnw" the school on grounds of preju- Includes 12 radical black lesbians enraged , arid other demeaning terms can dice, if not cruel and unusua l pun- "He stormed into his office vio- ter studen ts and the teaching of and one Chinese mullet midgal, sinister issues to incoming fresh- often be heard around campus , ishment ," i THUMBING FOR A RIDE New j ob prosp ects broa den hor izons for Colby grads By BECKY DA-ERECTOR dents," said Albot-Cashton "And RAVISHING EDITOR that program is fool-proof. Always correct. Career Services, in its continuing "Thafs such a great program," quest to employ Colby grads, will Albot-Cashton continued. "Hits, it soon open files on piracy and circus right on the nose. I mean that foot- performing. Looking to capitalize ball player, he probably never on the liberal aspect of a liberal arts thought about circus strong man, education, CS hopes students not and then, poof. That machincifs interested in accounting or consult- amazing." ing will find that thievery on the Joe Colby '01 was one of many high seas or delighting small chil- students whose life vocations were dren is what they want to do with recently pinpointed by Choices as their post-Colby lives. buccaneers or circus freaks. Colby "We're not only liere for econom- was pegged by the machine as a ics majors ," said Joanna Yardsaleski. human cannonball. « "It just seems that way." "Whatever," said Colby. "I guess These recent moves by CS are thafs cool." largely in response to repeated stu- CS insists they have been unjust- dent entreaties, "Yardsaleski has ly maligned as a true resource only reported finding for economics and government demands listed majors. on yellowed Yardsaleski and parchment hang- Albot-Cashton ing on the CS refute charges office door, that the office 's stabbed through efforts towards with an ornate helping other saber. majors have "Ifs been hap- been superficial pening every- and for show. day," she said. "Look, this is ¦ * "Ifs pretty creepy. a hard job," The Crack-Ho obtained a copy of said Albot-Cashton. "Especially for these daily provisos. The unsigned, someone with just an Internet what appeared to be sheepskin, degree." document called for the "gutless "We're trying, but reality check- landlubbers (sic) who call yeselves we're in the boonies and ifs diffi- career services" to aid aspiring cult to get people to come here," ' "picaroons and sea dogs." said Yardsaleski. "The students ' Ehrenwerth impeached just because The document called for pirate aren't too spectacular or anything. recruitment fairs, and map draw- Give us something to work with By JON SILVER-BULLET you don't do your job you get pun- were cited in the articles of the my opinion that there is a danger- ing, booty burying and salvaging here." BOOZE EDITOR ished and besides, no one likes impeachment and include: Failure ous precedent being set when seminars. The demands also But the staff ot CS sees these new him." to be nice to chem-free students and charges of this nature are brought requested a more practical use of professions as a step in the right direction. May ; This past Sunday night, unbe- Last Friday night, April 27, make the head residents feel impor- up by one dorm president against Johnson Pond, as in a training site be a Colby education knownst to anyone outside Ehrenwerth tant; exceeding the quota another dorm president under for offensive sailing of large ships. lends itself to aquatic debauchery * President's Council and a few wit- received an e- for Diversity within anonymity." "That was a great last sugges- arid making an ass of yourself. In , " nesses sworn to secrecy, the Student mail from Mark SGA; inviting the wrong Hughes' assured, prior to the tion," said Yardsaleski. "Several fact also in response to recent Qovernment Association Cattrell '01, people to important hearing, timing was inconsequen- seniors have asked about the proto- Choices printouts, CS will be mak- Impeachment Hearing Board voted SGA Vice- functions; drinking too tial and had nothing to do with her col concerning trolling Johnson ing some more changes. Additional files on miming to remove SGA President Justin President, that much and smoking too decision, "if you don't do your job, Pond." The position has recently and high-class Ehrenwerth '01 from office. The explained the much marijuana; not you will be punished," she said. been posted on erecruiting.com escort service will soon appear in Hearing Board will present its rec- articles of being fair and nice. Ehrenwerth did admit in his Tate Albot-Cashton, who the CS library. But one thing will "ommendation to Presidents' impeachment Hughes explained statement, "that there may be valid- ordered her degree on the Internet, never change. -doundl at their next meeting, the being brought that Ehrenwerth "basi- ity to some of the charges brought explained the piracy and circus per- "No matter how desperate he last of the year. Members of against him and invited him to cally isn't performing his duties. As against me by my accuser, however forming initiatives were also a is," said Albot-Cashton, "we will Pjre-dient's" Council will then vote attend the hearing on Sunday. The a Stiff, I do not feel that Ehrenwerth I feel that the impeachment process result of the Choices program. never help that Matt Apuzzo get a t 1 4M ¦ tH irf I 'fll i U| v<^^^^^ 'Ssl ¦* w I V'' M ' I i^-MrS^ i gh Vi^H i I wtt4W wl HliB fl lwl___l_____$iH ' ¦ Calareso blows too!.K (But you already knew tha t, didn't you?) By PATRICK J. BIGBALLS ability to affect change at Colby. * EDITOR PACKING MEAT "I know Gareth (Osborn '01) -anjl I didn't win; but, by God, we sentj- Ifs official: Jeff Calareso, Echo message to those gutless bureaucrats! pundit and one-time failed Student and oppressors of freedom on Government Association presiden- Presidents' Council, Everywhere we tial candidate, has subverted the lib- went we touched people's lives. We eral causes he claims to champion by learned a lot about Colby and about repulsing every Colby student who ourselves. Those 6.2 percent of stu- would otherwise have supported dents who voted for us were sending those very causes. a real and powerful message. In la "Back when I was a freshman, I way, I see myself as the Ralph Nader wanted to make a difference on this of Colby politics. I did not, however! campus. But after cost Phil (Wilsorij reading some of hbhh and Dave (Lewis the columns that '01) the election. ass clown has They shot therri- written, there is selves in the ioot no way I could and would have lost align myself with anyway," said any of his views," Calareso. said one formerly Calareso, as iriod- liberal sopho- est as ever, was more. quick to attribute? Colby athletes, minorities to much of his campaign's success to whom he condescends, whites to the congeniality of his running mate, whom he preaches sanctimoniously, Osborn, "one of the sweetest and women to whom he also conde- most tolerable guys I know," accord- scends, the 87 students whom he has ing to Calareso. "Although most stu- insulted directly,the College admin- dents think he's a loser, I know 3iim istration, Colby professors, and the to be from California; everyone from Echo all have vowed not to work Call is sweet." Hate the Echo? Bl w it out ou ass! This whale did and we saved it. I I o y r , with him on any political causes Both candidates are decidedly too after being subjected to his sharp cool for the Echo. Although he wrote criticism. Statistics turned over to the Echo by Amnesty International reveal that Let's brin g some variety to dive rsity student activism has dropped pro- portionatel fucking VARIETY." atom through transmutational y to the level of asshole- By GHENGI S KHAN ness exhibited b If SUV has its way students can chemical deforestation. It didn't y Calareso in his WORLD CONQUERER weekly column. Following look forward to a new "Variety work, will you be my friend." his cri- tiques of Colb Requirement," as well as a mandato- On the street of Miller Library a y athletes (60 percent Diversity, diversity, diversity. It of the student body), ry "Variety Test" upon finishing young man had a different take: hate crimes seems this is all we hear on this cam- and voting republican increased their freshman year. If students "Diversity, variety,whatever , I like it 10- pus these days. However, a new stu- fold. don't pass the test they are not all. Big chicks, little chicks, big tits, dent group has recently been formed Asked whether, with his record allowed back for their sophomore little tits, its all good. Did you see to change all that. Students Up for for pissing everybod , year. the a cappella concert, now those y off he thinks Varjety (SUV) plans on changing the he is the man to spearhead left-wing "Not only should this discourage chicks got variety." Colby vernacular, starting today. political campai non-variety minded students but it The administration even seemed gns at Colby, Started by students from all social, Calareso responded, "Of course. I should help with the housing prob- warm to the idea. Said Dean of the racial, ethnic, cultural, and sexual speak for the people. I am a man of lems as well," said Erdna. She con- College Janet Assman: "I once farted walks of Colby life the group plans the people. Sometimes when I walk tinued, adding "without variety this on the set of Blue Lagoon." on bringing "a raw energy to the around campus students stop and weekly columns for the E ______^ ______-______9______^ ______^______H!HI ^ A 11 TT °i U __ ' '' _____ ! x.xx _____ -jLCVJ -X ______\^k_____\mKIK ^_ ^_ ^_ ^_ ^_ ^__ ^_ ^b ^_9LuW^M^ ^_ M__^_^^ _^_SB' rf --H-______^}\/i^_^&MA_)_U7!_V_)_l_^_Wla__mW_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_M ______H L_j TWrv T"Viv ______Hi ^______H ' XV^i I TI I WJ B^^^^ BHj ^^^^ HBBBwIBIBHH oJ * J * ill• ^^^______ ______ BBM 1 i ______i-_^!i^^ ifNl____^i^ /iHM______L_-___3-aw /v ' ¦ ______W_BSp ill i (Eat your¦ hean l out Justin Ehrenwerth and Ben ______Hfrrir_m_gl*_-knlJCi _TO.-F\IUi^^I \\\\A' 1 ti v/l m TT ^Tr yft7i i lllill 'V ' • . . * . m_w/_ mj_i_ ^w ¦ ¦ ¦ ¦ Humphreys), ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^_ ^_ ^_ ¦m^H^^^^^^^^^^^^^H^^^^^^^^h g^k^k^k^k^k^k^k^k^k^k^kU' . . r^^V'^!fP||^MI0 , | H__---___--______-_-______--^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^I^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^H^^^^^^^^^^^BH--_-_--_n-H ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ BIG BALL ENFORCEMENT AGENCY Most pictures are worth a thousand words. This one, however, is worth about two million. Here' s a sampling... —"What? You' re leaving this esteemed publica tion for some bullshit government agency job? Sellout! Whatever happened to journalistic integrity?" — After a hard day of campaigning, President Jenn has an unusua l way of relaxing. Does Alex know about this? —Here' s the real reason Jenn won —can you imagine Zahra doing this? I think not. —You think this is sexy? You should have been in office Tuesday night. You would not have been disappointed... * * ___ -_.»©OW 'B\_ Af you ,_^^ __Wk ^tw e ugly? No, I mean really ? j ^ ^ R* " tew* UGLY. Doyou small children runthe awayj n when str eet? ^^ Jktf b ^f ^ mltieQld owfl • > ^ ^ ^ 9 Have you broken a earn er* morefhaii^ ' of ! m ^B twice ? Ifyou answered ^ESlto &M thos e r , questions , FACES&GONg ^ihfrpMct iM ^ , MM ' ^ ypu. Bmght to you by Geddfyiek 't ^ .. . 1 l ^ R . * _: « a. _¦ WM ___. __¦ __¦#_-. _MM - MM M _M. __M Ma. _n-» _-__, _«__ t^iiM* _/!_*__. ** * ' * t ' * * ¦ .„.- v ¦?.¦ '/¦ ' Ovm ¦;; ¦ ¦ s-J r JJL J-L ' '* ^Ljr -ILi -U. Kj/ Anne Robinson is a tax. I want heir to spank me. 6 Times. -LL ' Opinions Ed itor: Psychiatric Vard Editorial Letters * * That shirfs very becoming on invite your pants to come on down, Hey baby, wanna play, lion? Ok. You're ugly,but you intrigue me; Old school jams on demand you. If I were on you, I'd be coming, You go kneel right there and I'll too. Miss, I've lost your virginity, Can throw you my meat. You might not be the best looking The Colby student body has spoken: We want more old school rap- I have the box it came in? girl' here, but beauty is only a light pers. Where's the love, there's not enough? We don't want to see bands Brr. My hands are cold. Can I Take off that dress and fuck my switch away. like Phish or Guster, the Black Crowes or Parliament Funkadelic, no, warm them in your heaving breasts? Sit on my face and let me get to brains out you cave newt. please not that. We want old washed up I-am-so-old-I've-got-a-hunch- nose you better. Your dad must have been retard- back-from-my-BMW gold chain fat rappers. Let's play house: you be the door First , Td like to kiss you passion- ed because you're special. Social programm ing at Colby has grown, old, stale, and old-school- and I'll slam you. Sit on my lap and we'll talk about ately on the lips, then I'll move up to rapper-free. This is not acceptable. It behooves Rob Henzie to get some the first thing that pops up. your belly button. Wow. you have some sweet slammin rappers whose hey-day was circa 1978. Hi. You'll do. birthin' hips. ' Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five; Fab Five Freddy; Salt n'Pepa. Are those lumberjack pants? You know, if I were you, I'd have Why haven 't these and other talented old school rappers come to Colby? If you and I were squirrels , could Becau se they 're giving me wood. sex with me. You're so fine, I'd suck your The lack of old school rappers at campus functions has become glar- I bust a nut in your hole? i daddy's dick just to get some of ing. Saps at Bowdoin have had to endure rap groups that have recorded I have a six-inch tongue and I can I'm hard. You wet? where that came from. albums this millennium like Jurassic-5. We laugh at their pathetic social How do iUke you eggs in the breathe through my ears. programming. Ha. Ha. Ha. morning? Fertilized? Hey baby, you got any diseases? You remind me of my mommy. I Check it out y' all, we need rappers with freaky, fre aky flows. We need Ifs just not going to suck itself. Want some? like my mommy. rappers that get down to the beat. We need rappers that hip hop, hippa to Lef s play "The Price is Right." I'll the hop, hip hop and then don't stop. Rap is admittedly a quiddy chang- ing genre. We liked it better before it changed. Old school rap is the most flavorful and it behooves our student government to recognize this phat flava. There are still other awesome rappers that we have not brought to Opinions campus. If not Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five, then Grand Wizard Theodore and the Fantastic Five. Hey, why not both on the same stage? We could have a 10 both fantastic and furious, not to mention a grand wizard and master. It would be a landmark event in andent rap. Pudgee the Phat Bastard is another old school gem who has gone over- Pat is this funny enough? ' , it still feels , looked for far too long. Henzi, you r not doing your damn job like the new millennium up in here, up in here. serious, you might as well read another arti- type. However, I will just interject briefly lady in our dorm. Ifs no big deal, but it does Lame cle right now, because you won't find any of with a question. Who else here thinks Dean get awkward when they're both sleeping in the crazy "joke issue" stuff in this column. Kassman bears an eerie resemblance to The the bed across from me. (Sorry Wez, but I Rhyming This text is purely for people who read Wicked Witch of the West? Thafs what I had to tell somebody). I'm serious, you footnotes fox fun. I've decided to reach out thought, You can keep reading but 1 might as well read another article right now, Want advice? Fuck off ! Title Here to those poor deprived people who like the promise it will be more of the same pure because you won't find any of the crazy small type. They're an under-represented nonsense. Im serious, "joke issue stuff in and who are f illed with as much burning group, and here at Colby ifs all about equal- you might as well read this column. The Ask Jeff rage for all humanity as I am. (Wistful ity and representation. You're still reading another article right SHUT YOUR FUCKING problem is, if I say What is funny ? Well, according to sigh.) Anyway, I thi nk you should tell this aren't you? Stubborn bastard. I won't now, because you anything she'll stop Calareso our esteemed Editor-in-Chief, whatev- bend to pressure though. because FACE, UNCLE FUCK- your professor what you did. That way, Just won't find any of the cleaning our bath- er it is I apparently am not it, As you you're reading doesn't mean I'm going to crazy "joke issue" stuff room. I'm just glad you'll be expelled and there will be one ER. YOU'RE A BONER- might imagine this puts me in a bit of a start actually writing something. This is a in this column. And I the year's almost less ignorant dimwit I 'll need to insult Jeffrey Calareso bind considering that this is the joke testof volition and I promise you I will win. swear I saw Dean BITING BASTARD over. in my column every week. Good rid- issue of the Echo, and whatever I write I'm sorry, but there's not actually any- Johnston on mulletsga- Who else is dance. thing of substance written in this reall little UNCLE FUCKER. YOU is therefore supposed to be humorous y lore.com first semester. extremely excited A new advice column from type. You can keep reading but I promise it I'm sorry, but about the Toots 'f and entertaining. I will therefore do my DON'T EAT OR SLEEP Colby's avorite ultra-leftist Dear Jeff Calareso, will be more of tine there's not actually coming for utmost to make you, whackjob. Last night I killed a man. I just same pure non- anything of substance Loudness? No, ifs the reader, laugh in a OR MOW THE LAWN , flew into a fit of rage and stabbed "if someone said i sense. Except that I written in this really lit- just me? Really? matter Mr. Bernal think your mother tle type. (Oh yes then- Thafs shocking, I Dear Jeff Calareso, . him in the throat. I'm horr ified with YOU JUST FUCK M boyfriend never listens to would find appropri- had to have sex is really, really hot. is). You can keep read- think Rob Henzi has y myself and I don't know what to do. YOUR UNCLE ALL what I have to say. I try to talk to him ate but using fewer Smokin' in fact. I'm ing but I promise it will done a great job get^ with either geoff serious, you might be more of the same ting bands to come a feelings, s d big words. Please, bout my my hope an Murderer in (dorm withheld) as well read anoth- DAY LONG. to Colb bear with me. pure nonsense. (It's not y this year? dream s, but all he cares about is sex. Ward or Pat er artide right now, nonsense, it makes What do you mean? This is my last col- It really makes me mad, but I love Dear Murd erer, because you won't more sense than it You disagree with umn for a little while, Bernal , I'd hav e him so much, I don't want to lose Was the man you killed a member find any of the should, and that scares you doesn't it?) I'm that statement? That's preposterous. of what with the sum- him. What can I do to get him to pay the oppr essive white patriarch y, an ath- sex with Geoff crazy "joke issue" serious, you might as well read another arti- I'm sorry, but there's not actually any- mer coming up stuff in this col- cle right now, because you won't find any of thing of substance written in this really little attention to me? lete, or an Echo sta writer ? Chanc es ff which is quite unfor- Ward. " umn. the crazy "joke issue" stuff in this column. type. Did I mention you Mom is hot? And1 are he was. so, congratulations! You If tunate because Still reading, (You realize the whole point of the joke your sister is too. You can keep reading but Heartbroken in Pierce are tr uly making Colby a bett er place. -Matt Apuzzo there 's a lot I'd like to eh? Well then let issue is to make fun of you, don't you?) I promise it will be more of the same pure me tell you the Since you're still leading I thought I nonsense. I'm serious, you might as well} , cover and discuss Dear Heartbroken Dear Jeff Calareso, story of the moron might share with you my thoughts on the read another artide right now, because you ! - before we all go our You can start by not being a viru I've been having a really hard who had nothing first 100 days of the Bush administration, won't find any of the crazy "joke issue" stuff ] separate ways in the lent, disgusting racist who plots and time getting girls since I came to col- better to do than but that might be deemed not funny by Mr. in this column. < next few months. To end, schemes to bring down the black man lege. Do you have any suggestions read really small Bernal. Unless I wrote about it using big So you made it all the way to the [ solve this dilemma I've dedded to words. They say the true sign of insanity ia words, but even then lie'd be the only one Well I commend you for your perseverance with your repellent Eurocentric views. on how to make the ladies love me, ' 't write in smaller type in order to fit doing something over and over expecting who'd laugh, so all that thesaurus work just and determination, but I told you way back . Why don you re-examine your white- if you know what I'm saying? ness and try to -understand the systems everything in. different results. So you might as well stop isn't worth it. at the beginning that this was just going td j power and privilege that exist right reading now, the text won't change, you'll I'm sorry, but there's not actually any- be a bunch of nonsense or maybe Pat would ; of Getting None in Go-Ho just be reading the same thing over and thing of substance* written in this really little prefer inanity, or absurdity, or rubbish, or ' " I'm sorry, butt there's not actually any- here on our beloved, so-called "divers e over. In fact I'm done trying to explain this type. You can keep reading but I promise it balderdash, or baloney, or flippancy,or... * campus. Maybe thing of substance written in this really little if you spent less time at Dear Getting None, to someone as dense as you obviously are. will be more of the same pure nonsense. I ¦i Klan meetings and more time wallowing type, You can keep reading but I promise it Have you tried being really sensi- will be more of the same pure nonsense. I'm I'm sorry, but there's not actually any- should tell you though that my roommate Geoff Ward is very, very tired. ,' in self-hatred because of you are white, tive ? By that I mean that you should thing of substance written in this really little has taking quite a liking to the cleaning staff your boyfriend wouldn 't ignore you , as align yourself with the p ositions of he seems to be the type of good liberal of oppressed groups in our horrible, horri- which this campus is sadly bereft. ble society. Also, blast the viewsof any- one who is not an ultra-liberal By doing Deai* Jeff Calareso, this you can expect to attract womyn Mr. Jose is a scary, scar y person Last week, I cheated on a test. I who find you at once sensitive and well.com / wifenotattractlve.html) , com). Q. Dear Mikie: I have trouble j mean, the answers were sitting right alluring. Plus, zvorking at WMHB Bad Pun The obvious solution: get a gun. No, Q. Dear Mikester: I am terrified meeting women, Please help me. j on the professor 's desk and I could- helps. Being general manager will get get a Howitzer. A gun is sure to of meeting new people. How get I A. Of course you have trouble! n't help but look at them, But now I you even more action. Take it from me. No way, these make you sexier (http: / /www.gun- get the confidence to be more out- meeting women, The government is j feel horrible, I'm worried that if I glasses are owners.org / gunsaresexy.html). Of going? killing your sex drive by fluoridat- j confront the professor and tell her Dear Jeff Calareso , really cool. course , the fascists controlling the A. Thafs easy. You need a gun ing the water , in an attempt to get rid < what I did, she'll kick me out of her I got reall y drunk last night and federal government now don't real- (http: / / www.worldnetda ily.com/g of the waste from the aluminum that ! class, But I can't keep it inside any I'm worried tha t I may have hooked ize that the second amendment was uns-love.html). Everyone wants to they are using to build black heli- l longer. Wha t should I do? up with someone I would otherwise designed to let civilians own heavy meet someone who has a gun! And copters for the U,N. (http: / /www. ! have found undesireable. I may also In order to better serve my readers, I artillery (http: //www.jp fo.org/jef- not a wimpy hand gun either! An consti tuionparty.org /unchoppers.as j C icte i o Morally onfl d n Mary L w have puked and /or smeared my have decided lo use my last column to ferson&howitzers.asp), but check M16 should do the trick. Actuall y, p). My advice ? You need a gun. 11 feces on someone's whiteboard . give advice to total strangers who write with a member of a local militia. I' m any thing fully aut omatic will do. Q. Michael! Helpl I'm getting ! o C Dear M rally onflicted, What should I do? to me, This ad vice is of a general nature , sure he can get you one, Q. Peat Mr. Jose: I am paranoid. marr ied and I don't know how to I You had to chea t on a test ? Good and I cannot be held responsible if it Q. Dear Michael: I am a male What do I do? tell my fiancee that I slept with her | Cod, you must le an athlete, They ' re th e results in loss money, destruction Three Sheets to theWind of of freshman in college. I'm gay. I don't A. Well, whaf s the prob lem with mother! \ only ones stup id enough to have to do inTaylor property, or nuclear annihilation. know any other gays here. How do being para noid? With the A. Well, the way the state is swln- ¦; something like that. Oh, and members of I get a social life? Communis ts, the Trila teral dllng her with Social Security, I'm < the Echo staff ". Come to think of it, Dear Sheets, Q. Dear Mr. Jose, my husband A. Have you considered joining a Commission, and the Bildebergers not surpr ised! Don't worry , J ust get i they' re even stupider. I can ' t believe I This, people, ia exactly my point , I ' m doesn't find me attractive anymore. gun club (http: //www.pink pls- out to get you your fiancee a nice gun for a wed- ; have to go to the same school with brain- so much cooler than this shit, I think its because I am getting tols.com/gays4guns.asp )? Nothing (http: / / www.jb s.org / gonnagetya.h ding gift and she'll forgive you ; dead morons like them. If only I could go older. What do I do? - like firing off 5000 rounds to att ract a tm), yott should be paranoid , But (http: //www.nra. org/, 40caliber- ' e i s to a school with people whos v ew are A. Well, that' s an interes ting bunch of new friend s, or a love inter- you don't need to let it make you ter- bouqu et.html). Well, that' s all for i as outrageous and judgmental as mit\e, ]effC alar eso is completely insane ques tion (http: //www,lewrock- est (http: //www.gunsgunsgunfl. rifi ed, Get a gun, now! Goodbye! ! tpwinwwupwiiwwwi' twmrmn* &u_w ^ . - * '$_M2v *' ¦> i - - £*«____ \ -- *¦ ''v- n _ ' Aj ' k ______mmJmmEfr ^V -#' HP VmB' , Wm«(Fj ^: i j_I9_____9ii__-* kii pv i h ¦ ^Rt ' f.h . ' '¦. . ¦ . 1 , i v^Tl .M . '. i ^ ¦'¦ v"" ^¦ ¦ ^ ' •*¦ ' ' ¦: . ,;¦: . • . \ ¦ ¦ POINT / GQyN^ERrROIOT ^^ - ^j j ^ i iN : ;^ Colby girls don't put but Yes they do "I cant get none," reports 45-year- you're a out some money for the alcohol? I old car stereo salesman of Oakland, sophomore, just don't know," said Miller. Paul Walsh of his attempted trysts with the only way "I know," concurred Camille female Colby students. you ever get Natty '04, "All I have to do is show a "I just wanted to tell all the young attention is if little cleavage and ask what dorm ^bachelors of central Maine that they're you have a we are in, and I am treated like a just wasting their time chasing these boyfriend. princess. Next year the boys will' broads (Colby women). I mean, shit, That is just not probably recognize me as a sopho- I'm not expecting them to come home as much fun as more. It sucks." with me every night, but at least they the surprise "A weekend is just not the same if could grace me with a little conversa- when you you don't wake up wondering what tin' and dancin'." wake next to you did the night before. One of my, With die relative paucity of avail- someone and favorite times is when the girls get able single women in the greater have to look at together at branch and recap what 4 Waterville area, young unmarried area their door as we remember from the night before. men have long complained of their you leave to Stuff like where we went, whom we ^ limited dating options. Some favorite get their name. kissed, what incriminating photos gathering points for Wateiville's Anyway, you were taken, and whom we have to young and restless include night spots know that avoid in the dining halls. It all comes like The Dugout, and The Chez- where your with the free beer and being a fresh- steamy couples and swinging singles boyfriend is man," said Miller. "It's all part of can be found dancing far into the night. cheating on building up my resume for Never "Let me put it to you like this," said you with some Have I Ever." Walsh, "all the ladies where I work, freshman at a Sophomore Katie Heineken '03 ^they're ancient like 30, 32; they want a dance. It just said, "Last year was ridiculous. I _,guy to settle down-I'm like 'see ya.' A isn't the was out of control, this year I have guy like me, I'm not trying to get mar- same," said matured, I learned to control myself ried; I just want to par-tey." Laura Coors and I know my limits. It seems so , baby. That place ain't nothing own repeated failures get to him more Freshman year is the best year of Walsh sees Colby women as desir- league '04. scary to become a sophomore, but h rollers and sharp shooters. For than he would like to admit. college for many girls at Colby. But able mates for his "swinging lifestyle," but hig "All I want is to stay a freshman ifs not. It just means that you actu- like me, thafs tine only play- /"Yeah, I got this one buddy,Fredd y, many female freshman are worried and wonders why his efforts to seduce a guy forever. Ifs heaven. I can take a few ally know the guys and you don't I'll even consider." that guy told me about one time he about next year, becoming sopho- them have, thus far, fallen short. ground shots, kiss a few boys and call it a want to hook-up with them. Ifs not According to Walsh, "All the Colby spent the weekend at Sugarloaf, his mores, and how their lives will "Believe , me, I've tried all the night. Next year I'll probably end up like I never hook-up, ifs just that I dad ' irls with their TBPs (tight wife was up with tine kids, of course, he change. moves. I know some of these broads dy s g watching movies on Fridays or don't want to." Sure, we believe that. black pants to the uninitiated) are out has some kind of a menage a whatever The female class of '04 is worried are real dassy like. Hey, thafs cool. I something equally boring. C'mon, a Thafs what you call maturity. in full effect, those babies are hot, hot, with a bunch of those little ski buruues. about getting some. Anotorious part tell them I got some Franzia at the pad. weekend isn't fun unless you can't "Freshman girls, don't be scared. hot. These prudes act like they're all He told me that he met some on the of being a freshman girl is being a Plus, wouldn't they like to ride in my remember it!" There are some benefits to being a about action. When it comes down to gondola and they were ripe for action. prize for the upperclass guys. "I can SUV?" "I will never again hook-up with year older. You know your way it, ' ht cock blocking. I roll I guess that ifs all about drcumstasicesi Walsh claims that his favorite "hot they re straig walk into pretty much any party or boys into the double digits in a sin- around campus, you know which up to them like 'waz- Freddy's a bastard anyhow," said dance, look at an upperclassmen spof for meeting gle semester," said Miller, "I won't guys are assholes, you can't get zup,' they're all T got a Walsh. and smile, and I know they want me. "beautiful babies" be able to use the, 'I'm a freshman' called 'that freshman girl' anymore, man.'" Although he has been unable to I mean hey, we're easy when we're is the steamy excuse anymore. Ifs really kinda and you know the people who are "Thaf s bullshit," he procure any dates with female Colb drunk... isn't there a song called Waterville singles y sad." throwing the parties," said Lisa added. students thus far, Walsh remains 'College girls are easy' or some- bar, Champions. "Champions will never be the Absolute '02. Although he has yet undaunted. thing? 're just living up to expec- Champions, locat- We same. I don't even bring money with Freshman girls don't shed too to deploy them around "Look, it wasn't that long ago that I , '04, ed in the Elm tations " said Natalie Daniels me for alcohol or a cab ride home. It many tears-we wouldn't want your actual Colby women was in college myself, well maybe it "I am mad. What if I never have Plaza, usually will all be taken care of in the alley eyes to get all puffy. Apparently ("they never let me talk was kind of long," said Walsh. "I know sex again? It's what I live fox Guys rocks until the outside if you know what I mean... sophomores do occasionally have to them for long how these college women operate, I'm in every grade want me now. All I break of dawn and The townies are all over sexual fun. Although you got screwed over enough,") Walsh appar- still just looking for the ri ht angle, have to do is say, 'I can't drink too doesn't stop until g favors, they just love them, and I just in room draw and you'll be living on entl knows "all the know what I'm saying?" much... I'm on the pill.' And guys the Natural Light y love the drinks and cab rides they the third floor of Treworgy,there is Walsh claims that his repeated are handing me drinks and all over is kicked and the right lines." give me," said Daniels. nojieed to be apprehensive about gems in rejections do not weigh down on him me. They are practicall partiers exhausted. More times than Unused y waving con- The second to largest concern for next year. It will be fine, just start m old personally, or lower his self-esteem. doms at me. Actuall not the guest list reads like a who's Walsh's collection indude: "I' y the AIDS car- most female'freshman is they will no working so that you can fund your h to be your father, but thafs "Ifs a game. If these girls don't want to nival was awesome. For a few weeks who of Waterville society. Yes, if s a enoug longer get free beer at parties. "I' ve alcohol habit next year, but don't cool with me" "I'm from 10 minutes ride with the best than ifs their loss. I after guys had flavored condoms. I veritable high sodety meat market, but paid for beer, like, maybe twice since start stocking up on hard alcohol... It outside of Boston, too; and his favorite, call 'em like I see 'em: most of these don't really know what the point of Walsh considers it the only place to September, As soon as I let the guy just might get banned, poor incom- "You don't want the Blue Li ht to go girls are just teases or daddy's girls flavored condoms is, but it sounds "Swing." g at the keg know that I am a fresh- ing freshman girls. Now how will , do you?" anyhow." pretty fucking cool," said Libb "Champions, on a Wednesday out y man, its free beer for hours. What they get wasted at least 4 days a suc- "Fuck it," added Walsh. Miller '04. night? Hell yeah. Thafs the big boys' Walsh admits that his friends' will I do when I have to actually bust week? cess with Colby women has made his "Freshman girls are fun, when WtFH&Ti^ I I Editors on the Street | 6P ' ' ^URvioG TV<£.¦ W*K Dead Artists * 8 o.m: Take the long llS IT COLD IN HERE, OR IS IT JUST THE 808? to Perform walk of shame back from Bro' s house, Meet at Colby Dean Kassman coming ¦ ¦ Well the SGA and Social Chairs in as you go out. Try to have outdone themselves yet again! After tense deliberations with some give her a high five, folks from on high, a stellar lineup of but she just can't partly; mostly; and completely dead musicians will perform in Lorimer reach. a Chapel on May 30th (Yea, thafs after .we leave; unfortunately the deceased Kacl prior engagements)'. * 9 am: Cross Bro and Buddy Holly will kick off the show Dean Kassman off your with some oldies and originals as well list of "Administrators to as a couple of Weezer covers. Commenting on his return to stardom, Knock Da Boots Wit. " he claims "it's a bit scary.So many peo- ple bought into that plane crash bull- shit. I decided to retire for a few * 10 a.m: Think of a «i decades, so they cryogenically froze joke that doesn't *? trie next to Walt Disney." , Elvis' will follow Buddy's perfor- involve having sex with mance, though he expects to be late. deans. Elvis excused himself saying, "I'm hav- ing a toga party with the captives from "Survivor," Unfortunately they decid- * 8 p.m: When Security ed to film the show on the small patch of Australia that the CIA designated as comes down to the S,D.O.TK,W.K.H.S.A. or so-deserted- Echo office to bust up ' only-the-kangaroos-will-know-he's- your supposed "party," siill-alive." 'Ihe King wanted to per- form a duet with Britney Spears, but inform him that the she was too busy and uninterested, , dark room Is off limits lin, , I Tite 80s were great. Hair bands, the Cosby Show, Cocaine, the Cold War, and hard , hard nipples in leotards. Janis jop Jiml Hendrix John Lennon, and mostly-alive drummer because "film " Is being Ringo Starr are expected to perform "developed" In there, Where to crap some original heavenly-tunes. While they haven't agreed on a group name, (The only thing being manager Jim Morrison reported to tine "developed" Is Abble, Echo that they are tentatively called The good , the bad and the smell y "Famous, High, Stoned, Dead, and Kaitlln and Jenn's level B BECKY DA-ERECTOR before I can open the quaint Hiney Flower Smell That'll Knock You on from?), these bathrooms smelled Loving It,"John wanted Yoko Ono to of intoxication.) y join the group, but she declined, say- RAVISHING EDITOR Hiders, I pause and wait for the You Ass. Seriously, when I visited like piss. Not just some piss either, loud "tss" emanating from rectan- these bathrooms last week, my but like a LOT of piss. Just like the ing, "I always haled Ringo; espedally he sold out to that Thomas The Morning After From the moment you walk into gular odor box above the mirrors. lungs were on fire. I felt like I need- bathrooms in the street of the after * the lailk Engine conductor bit on l'BS."' the bath rooms in Miller Library, the According to this box, this odor ed a gas mask. Sure I wns secretly library, Good GOD. :' /-'.Chuck' Berry and local music store ambience of utility just about identifier and deodorizer, I smell. enjoying it, but the Flower Smell Not only are these bathrooms, owner, o are expected to bring * 9 a,m, Strip down to smacks you in the face, That and the Phew, thank GOD I decided to go to That'll Knock You om Your Ass is like most, oh, everything at Colby, Al C rey, 1 some drummer from Waterville overwhelming odor of..,some- the bathroom in Miller today, mucin more satisf ying nnd less spatiall y inefficient and downright ftlonjj; your Speedos. Make ¦High School, t s i d < thing,., well, whatever it is, it just At least the People Who Do Stuff lethal. stupid, they're dark, spooky and hough when que t one about tlie identity of this individual, other staff members about knocks you on your ass, About Things changed the smell Of cou rse before these mys teri- ' Quick replied, "I dunao. Which is maybe the point.,.but emanating from the deodorizer ous deodorizer rectang le boxes see TOILETS continued . Some guy sick, from Choking Toxic Carcinogenic to (where does their power come Go find it, I don't care named Moc* * think," Wilson Pickett .may provide other rolling corpses. Al Corey was particularly excited * 7 p.m, Protest ' about Iho venue, saying, "It'll be the attempted world domi- "Getting vandalized, ¦next best lining to turning that darn tiiue light off!" * "; " nation from Wal-Mart. « baby!" ¦/¦ f Davc Grohl and Krist.Novosolioare Start by burning down > —Madam President ;tnldnij5 time off from their post- II .. I " ¦ ' I " I -_-—r ^—llll__-lllll I I I Mil iNIrvnina daw. to join Kurt Cobain In fl the coin-op Mickey jjtaii^ pj i ^¦r^l ^sslon.. Commenting on the Mouse merry-go-round •H ^ngiifen^'wWoimdlng ' ,Jhlij' ' death, ^obtttri.toW'i^¦ prtea "All apulojIeB, outside, Don't look so ii0^mmM!77imi?77^. 7 "7 smug, gumboil machine - you're nextl § i ty.Brtno of U2 and Adam Durlto of wouldn't journey.all the way up to the # l^i^(^^-M!^e if they didn't 9 p.m; Watch 16 § You'd think it would be , % "Siesta con Kaitlin, cha- need ; lo build up '.PR'. 'for their 2002 straight hours of TV with 251 pfi cha-cha!" easy to think of a funny liil^ii^i®^'^^Ym - iWi Melv Ladera, Then play —Psychiatric Ward surfing pun, but we gave wmm&w&A-. * up a fter 20 minutes, video games and listen to old-school rap, 3 s ;. .roiiiiiww^ What would you rather be doing than editing the * ) a.m: Nice shoes, ' ^mWi0^l^^4mmmmmM¦ "7 777777y[ p aper at 2 a m.? ¦; ca fljJOT ^ Wanna fuck? ' 7 . . ^y^-]: IstA*^ of Toilets: The f lushing ^meadowi ^ Cctffe ^ Mrs. Fun : drums + Continued from page ?? the stall when they close. It must be three .people at one time. Tin] really hard to fit those Hiney showers a_nd no place to change smell rank. If s like old piss, too— Hiders—it's a rare Unless you live .. like the bathrooms have smelled Hiney Hdder that in the projects keyboard = CRAP .Mike piss since the 1830s. But those actually hides your TRUTH BE TOLD , ALL of Johnson and Woxv, did these people suck. Do hiney. Averill, where deodorizer rectangle boxes have THE GOOD SHITTERS you remember? Last spring? I mean their downsides, too... The bathrooms someone they were really/, really bad. Boring Like in Bob's bathrooms outside on campus can learn ON CAMPUS ARE somewhere arid bad. And tfhey just kept going /the dining hall. The deodorizer rec- a lot from the sci- thought that LOCKED TO STU- and going...what the fuck? Two ^tarigte box in the women's bath- ence buildings piss-yellow women, drums and keyboards. where ifs all about concrete made - room let me know that I still smell. DENTS. KEYS ARE Sounds like a recipe for ultimate __ AU right. The odor from the men's efficiency and clean- for a great were horrible. GIVEN TO TENURED crap-and it was. They bathroom, reminiscent of the liness. Sure there are bathro om. SO BAD. But they were into it, man-- Cholang Toxic Carcinogenic, hits a few extra doors FACULTY MEMBERS. Dorm bath- -you had to grve them that. They you at the cubbies. and things in Olin, rooms never Mrs. Drums RUMORED THEIR were all about being Dude, why aren't there any bath- but those bathrooms IT IS achieve that and Mis. Keyboards. rooms on the second floor of Bob's? are great. I mean I SHIT SMELLS BETTER smell of the And the songs. What the fuck? So the mysterious deodorizers are really enjoy my academic The lyrics? Total nonsensical crap. absent from the newly-renovated experience there. THAN STUDENTSV buildings. And Mrs. Keyboards should stick to bathrooms on the third floor of And I haven't been The Bixler keyboards. That sing-song speak >* Bob's. More Hiney Hiders, rustic in Olin for three first floor bath- wasjuat plain monotone. something— rooms also hold the deodorizer rec- * decorating scheme involving wood- years. Now that says I wonder if Mrs. Drums was ever paneling...but thank goodness for not sure what, but something. tangle boxes, but they smell like like, Mrs. Keyboard doesn't need those automatic sinks, right? Like in Everything, from the tile patterns to corn chips, Stale ones. And that me. She can just turn on Latin, Funk those high traffic bathrooms in the the color schemes specific to each handicapped stall is huge—I'm or Pops rhythms anytime she wants. Athletic Center and the Student floor. Now thafs perfection. The talking half-court basketball here. She's just playing me like she plays Center. bathrooms in Arey Lots of room for, well, half-court those keyboards of hers. Like she More "tss"-ing and Keyes ire all basketball. The second floor bath- gets all insecure and shit? Thafd be Who IS this guy? And what hap from the deodor- about function. rooms are like the street of the SCIENTISTS HAVE cool. Then Mrs. Brums would lose it, petted to our Doritos? izer rectangle Hell, they don't library loos except without, thank- FOUND THAT BRAN like throw her drum set down and boxes. I must even cover up the fully, the stale piss smell. But ifs bash Mrs. Keyboards' head between really smell. CUTS OFF CIRCU- pipes—it's like definitely got that dark and spooky two cymbals, and say, how you like Sigh. Guess I you're pissing in a fieel. And the water fountain. Well, They describe themselves as " LATILON TO THE them apples, bitch? Or something. the chose the correct boiler room. the water fountain is really a urinal. But none of that shit happened. best electra-add-jazz in the world." Here toilet since, Maybe you are-. Yes, if s true—when bending for a Yeah. NOT. More like the 's V^fs Piayiiig Friday, May 4 MALE GENITAL Like these women just really sucked best throughThuBday/MayiO although I Taking their cue sip of cool -water, you're really stick- wookie, Hard core. And they went drums-and-keyboard-whafs-that- REFORE thought I was ORGAN THE from Olin, the loos ing your head in a urinal. Ifs okay, on and on with their quirky, crappy spell?-oh-yeah-CRAP in the world. :Xmi±&&; 77- finished, the toi- in AMS and East everyone does it. The bathrooms in music. It was like cable access or Yeah, so they sucked, A lot. R Nigh_y at7:10 &. 9:25 - DECREASING SEXUAL Matinees Sat/Sun at 2:40 let let me -know and West Quads Lovejoy, though, are busting with something. . . . with that hissing DESIRE AND are pretty nice. Colby charm. noise that , I was With ample room Let me just sneak in this small Grand Central BLOW DRY INCREASING CAUSES R Nightly at 5:00 & 6:50 ; so done. Man, so to maneuver, the closet and piss...yeah, thafs about Cafe )j| . . '• • ; Matinees Sat/Sun at12:20 much time was OF IMPOTENCY. theme of utility is what ifs like. And, luckily, every- saved by not still dominant— one and their mom (if she's visiting) AMORES PERROS BT.Nightl y at 8:35 having to flush the toilet, but I still but the tile patterns, complete with can hear everything. Everything. So ¦ ¦ . ' Matin ees Sat/Sna at 2:10 . " had to manually turn on the faucets floor-specific color schemes, are thafs why i make a beeline for that v on the sink. What the hell, people. mesmerizing. These stellar bath- first floor bathroom, complete with THE WIDOW OF Are we working together on this? rooms exist along with the sad thinning mirror. SAINT PIERRE ¦ ¦ ' ¦: The student center bathrooms are j ohns of Frat Row: So I'm obsessed with bathrooms. ¦ R Nightly at 5:00 :• . ' . ' Rule of Roberts Row: Smaller But if you think about it, we spend Matinees Sat/Son at 12:30 the same way—but those Hiney Hours Open everyday 11:30 until close Hiders don't hide your hiney. The dorms make for tiny bathrooms. a lot of time in these places. Okay, doors don't quite meet the rest of Little to no space for more than you're right, don't think about it. Railroad Sq • V/atervllle ^iwaa cwf; 872-9135*» [email protected] ¦ Witlx A Student• * • ¦ I.D. . . . ¦ ¦ . MamflRMMMlMlllMlM Our ap l gies t Hours Reasonable Rates o o o 5:00 AM - 2:00 AM Senior Rates Re-Books Domino's. We know that ran 65 E. 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' ss^ mIJ ' ii , , , ¦ i ' ' ; ¦ ¦ ¦ ' 1 |-, 7; ¦ IIMin-i wy i mm m i I 1-. .1 11, 1 nii mi i, n nn 1 1 ¦ 1 ' ¦¦¦.. .¦ i l *fl T *' •¦ ' , :: ^• a ' ;,¦' ), >- ' " " \7 t ' : , ::,; :-. , - , y' 't ' 'i - . .:*" >' 'V l ,' ,v1 ,>"^y+^v. i; m ;^* . , ' ¦ •' > '7 '! ),' . '>> ! I'M . ii ' M . - m'i 1 w ^f ^ w ^ ^^^^ ^ ^ ^ ^ Ty ^^ ^ ^^ ^^''-^ < ' v ' ^ l f T v i; - .. - 4*' 1 ' v 7'7' '' • y ' '' Golby to hold first annual Beer-Lympics By CAPTAIN "GARY to Joka's for anyone who shoots their load more than 20 feet. MORGAN Basically, these games will be epic!" STIFF VVRITER Hunt says that he has received funding from Natural Brewing for Giv«n the restrictions that will the games, which produces the ?be likely in place next year con- most popular and highest quality cerning hard akohol and so-called beer on campus, "Natural Light" "¦beer students games," many Colby and on account of this, "Natty" will thave taken it upon themselves to be used in all events. l increase their intake and app y "We intend to wxite the book on their creative juices before the end beer games." Says Hunt. "Literally, yet of the school year. In this way, we are going to compile our results another new club sports league has into a book that will hopefully be surfaced at Colby called "Beir on reserve for future students. in Knuts." Miller Library." I Coined from a festival held in "Whopper ", a game created by Birkenstock. four sophomores ^Germany, the in the club, ?members of involves the "Beir Knuts" chocolate-covered say they are candy that every- focused on cre- one loves, ating as many "Whoppers." For new beer this game, three or games as possi- more players gath- ble by er in a circle. Each Loudness on player has a mini- ^Saturday, May mum of 10 ?lfcth. After they Whoppers. compile a long Rotating clockwise, each person list, the group will then vote for takes a turn trying to land one of their favorite game. their flat-chocolate covered balls in Says President and now fresh- the other player's mouths. Each man, Mike Hunt, "The keynote time that a player gets one of The last time outdoor beer die was played at Colby. Circa 1989 game will be the centerpiece of another person's balls in his/her Colby's First Annual Beer- mouth, that player has to take a watching the clock. Each time the the shaft. Points are tallied for each drunks." Guinness. "Find the Guinness in JLympics. We plan to tap the first sip. The person who gets each of seconds' hand passes a number ring and the winner of each round Hunt also mentioned that a less that one minute and win a ten kegs at 7:05AM on Saturday his balls in the mouths of his oppo- with a number that A player draws, gets to pick someone else to shot- Natural Ice, two-story-beer-mid thousand dollars!" Says Hunt. Of ^morning. The contest will be held nent's first wins and gets to watch that player has to drink. This goes gun a beer. Again, this continues will be set up on Dana Lawn. The course, regardless of whether the the entire day and in addition, we as everyone else chugs out the rest on until everyone is sufficiently until everyone is ripped. winner of the Beer-Lympics will winner finds the Guinness, he/she will be playing 'Blow the Load' the of their beers. hammered. "Let's not beat around the bush, have to run into the beer-mi^ and will be forced to sit and drink the whole time. Tkis is where ten or A member of the club who only Another game called "Ring we've created some great games! I nock it over. Amongst the rubble rest of the edifice down. more people get in a line with a can wants to be referred to as "Chain", Around the Shaft", involves five or am very happy with what we have will be one lone, black can of of beer. After shaking their cans up, thought up another game called more people. This game requires a accomplished so far." Hunt says, each player must blow it open as "Beer-Clock". In "Beer-Clock", three long shaft, which is rammed into a "This college is getting to be a little . J far as possible. The person who or more players write the numbers, moist patch of turf. Hunt suggest- inept when it COLLEGE i^MU vWm^^ SPECIAL ¦ ( ¦ ¦ '^ ^ ^ ¦ ¦ ¦ ^ K ^^ l-XTlt-l LARGE ^^^ ^_ ^m 1 MAPPING PIZXA ^_ ^0 *^ ^ ^ M ^^^^^ T ^ * ^ ^ . pays tax. Not any or I ^|^F______i ______¦ l^______l -___B Coupon required. Expires 4/27/01sales Validvalid with other offer coupon. ¦ ¦ _____P^^T^ ______P^* ' _^H ^_H ^ I Customer participating _^_^^ J______^____L J_^__R^__^__L' ______[ ^______B ____¦ ______l^__H ^^p^l I only. ^^ T * -_ . T 1 • ® IWO 14 LARGE Better Ingred ients . & nTg\g\ Bette r Pizza . &o.«H) Coupon required. Explrcs4/27/01 Not valid with any other offer or coupon. Customer pays oil applicable sales tax. Valid at participating store only. '¦ ' j . ¦ ,______-______. - COLLEGE SPECI AL 877-PAPA¦ ¦ ¦ " ¦ ' , _Uc|€i ! _^KS^^ _i _____ - ¦ " ' . iHtEADsm i_s. ii7<*«>1 t.r tF i ^^ lA <7> <2> <7> <2) Z CHKESESflCKS, t ^ ^.ttftfici WS _W$_ Wt 270 ton¦ ¦ n^y Memorial¦ ¦ ¦¦ ¦ Drive __ • " ¦' ' ¦ ; . ¦ WITH PIZZA PURCHASE ! ¦ ^kW/^lNaurs: , | AWL . ' ^^ ^ Maa tfay—Taursia y ..ml—. juh. c..p.nrequired.m&mAmM j Frid ay, Saturda y H r.m.—2 a.m. $UI,,lM HO«h-*iiWHairf . CREDIT¦ CARDS ACCEPTED j ¦#> All pizzas come with f reesnecial garlic dipping sauce and ; .: . . ; . . . ;. pepp eronc ini U i peppers NO NEED TO ASK I Pizza Sauce, : LtiM !).! \ wcjP\ ______L~1 ' So NactioGlieesc Sauce & Ra nch dippjngsauce availabl e as well. 7 ' V|p|p( Jjjg J , ' , ¦ 1 1 ¦¦ ¦ ¦ ! i^m^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^ ^^^^ ^, T% . V , ''!¦ '' , ' ' ' t i V. " ' ** ' i ' , ^ ^^ ^ ^^^ v^^^ ^ T i ?^ M^^___ w^^^ ^^M^nMMMwMMNi ** J' Vi , i'^ ' V ' , '' ' Th'' f ' ' ' ¦ ¦ ¦ ¦ ¦ ' ¦' , ' ' ' '7 ¦ ' :i ¦ ¦ ' ' ' ¦ '' ¦ ' ¦¦ ' ¦ ' ; ' ¦ ¦ ¦ ¦¦• ' , ' ¦ ' 7\7777r7ip7" , . ' , 7: 77' " ' ' ¦ , ' ' ' ' . • i '" ' ' '7 l y("7 .r\ ' 7 • . ' - ' , - 7'7 ; ,/ ; ' .y: 7 " , ' ' 1*7 ' ,/' ' : ' . ' ' . 'V; . ' . '!' : ; * . ' . ' 7' ' '7:\. . ; • . [ , \. \, / . '„ , ' ¦ ' ¦ ' ' ¦ ' ' ; ' : [ [ ! ' ¦ 7 -^ ' ¦ ' ¦; ' i ti; ' f^^Ay ,777; ' y,y:7y - r . 7 ; . ¦y '' '' "' '; " ' ¦ ' ¦ , ; "7 . :* ¦ ' '/' • ,\ ' ' i 7} 7- 7< 7y 77r7 - 7y ] ;: . . -yl 7 7 7^\7r y ' ., ' . ,; ,y7' y ' y ; "7'7y7y " \ _¦— ___.,^ \ ./ _—,m .. ¦ . ¦ ; ¦ 7. 77 ' ' ¦ ¦ , ^7 lL______-______^^ _.______-__..j.___J__; ______: 1 ' .¦.¦• ¦ ' ' ' ¦ ¦! '¦ :¦: ¦ ¦'¦¦ . ' ¦ ¦ 1 ¦ ! ' ¦ ¦ ' ¦ ¦ ¦ ' •' ¦ ¦ ' ¦¦ ' f ' ¦' ¦ ^ — ..._. , :. —i ... . ' _ ' . jJ _ .. . . - .._ . ...„ '' --. . ' .-. * ..: ' ' ' _:• . '.. .. ' . -i!, ___ * . .:.. -...... -. * ' . * . .- * . - - '.» . : - *' - ' i ..i . KINGS OF NESCAC Colby football ties for first in NESCAC in dorm damage bills! sive," giggled one first-year female The player continued, "When;-*! student, "but those guys throw the think back on my career as a best parties on campus. I don't drinker and hum an wrecking mind paying for their reckless machine I get a real sense of fulfill- destruction of school property one ment. To their credit, the Williams bit," she continued. "Besides, and Middlebury teams also put. they're really cute. Some people together Impressive runs of think they're mon- untamed beJ-« sters capable of ligerence ajt untold acts of horror their institu-' and depravity, but tions. Still, I not me. They're just think that we big softies." could drink The football coach most of those was equally proud of pussies his boys. under the "I've always said table." that only 10 percent A n o t h e j * of dorm damage is player insist ^ physical; 90 percent ed that the of it is mental. Our team had guys really came up "shown a lot big this year and of heart right stepped up when it to the end. count .d. The way There were these guys drank times when j after games and sub- we got dis- sequently paid couraged ," absolutely no regard for school thinking we could never destroys property or the property of others and affect chaos the way is a real testament to our growth as Middlebury and Williams do on a team this year," said the coach . their finest outings. But, you know One senior player waxed senti- what? We hung in there; and when mental about the progression of the the going gets tough, the tough gets team's dorm damage prowess over going. And that's what we did. his foxir years at Colby. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm about "When I was a freshman things to go FUCK SOME SHIT UP!" got pretty bad. We hardl broke Not to he outdone, Tlie Alfond Senior Apartment Complex after any given Friday night. PPD shown here reconstructing the dorm in time f or class Monday morning. y the soccer anything that year. Since then I've team also destroyed a wall in the By AXL ROSE damage bills list. Coming off of sev- plishments were dump ing out dents of having huge airtounts of seen lis grow little by little until senior apartments. When told of you see the shit-wrecking unit that the obliteration of the wall mos. APPETITE FOR DESTRUCTION eral seasons of lackluster dorm dam- countless trash cans all over the dorm damage committed by the age performance, the team was hallway, puking on doors, knock- football team was high, many saw we've become today. I just hope kids thought the soccer team cooler, Students and faculty alike let out ecstatic with its most recent show- ing things over, smashing bottles, the expenditures as a needed facet that some of the younger guys can after the Avail was demolished. take ihe momentum that we've a collective cheer as the Colby foot- ing. soiling carpets, ruining student of maintaining a successful varsity- Some g irls also insisted that they ball team achieved a tie for first Said one ebullient captain, "We center dances, and many other acts sports program at Colby. built this year and use it to hel p would now like to date soccer play- break even more things next year," ers, place in the New England Small broke a lot of shit." of needless mayhem. "I know it (football player- having seen that they are just as College Athletic Conference dorm Among the team's many accom- Although the cost to other stu- induced dorm damage) is expen- said tlie proud member of the class tough as the guys on the football of '01 . team. Second to none Administration declar es swimming and diving most important By RYAN CONNELL squad. These men are exceptional stu- SOME PUTZ dents, finel y tuned machines, and all around better people than your aver- Just Inst week, Colby President Bro age student athletes lend to be. Said Adams called a press conference lo the a th lelic director, "The swim learn is announce an administrative decision comprised of thirteen model citizens. I declaring the men's and women's would love lo clone ihem for my team. swimming and diving teams the most In fact , I hear Brian Donnell has some important teams on campus. The tea m serious hops." will be presented a plaque nnd banner The women's squad is as impres- that will hang at the entrance to the sive as their men arc. According to Bess Alfond Athletic Center. The much- Ki gh t, "Wo. nro a loud group nnd I think antici pated announcement follows that's why people know us so woll. I highly successfu l 2000- tend to make a 2001 campai gns in lot of noise in which tho learns my dorm, you rewrote tlie Colby know, doing record books. my FIR duties Said Adams, "The and every- swimmers have clone th ing. The so much for this insti- team hns a tution, What we really reall y strong need here nt Colby, is a re put a lion big presence in the w ith the stu- pool, Bert Hi gman, a dent bod y as a member of the men's whole." team, is exactl y what Colby Swimming The women prides itself in. have been known lo prod uce outstand- "What can I say? I' m just one large ing results on the swimming pool member of this learn," said Biginan. scoreboard , in (lie classroom, nnd at "We dive into that pool ea ger to domi- social events. nate and dole out an ass wuppin ' , According to an unnamed sopho- When we say we're going to win, we more, the loam is ri ght at ihe center of come up huge," lliis campus's social scene. Sho said, Said Mule sprint specialist , Colonel "Social life has been weak this yonr. If it Haybome Smilhers, "I' m kind of the weren ' t for us swimmers, this place quiet player on this team, I think ol would be dead, Our meets give kids what l want and then I go out there a nd somolliing lo do on Saturday nl 'lornoon gel it, Coach hns really helped mo with and our parlies lend lo be rockers. This I lOKNYCIIlCK WlTI I CAMliM my goal soiling," Smilhers con always school would be hurling if we were at The men, the myths, these guys have great packages. Can yon spot them? One may deliver a huge blow. be counted on in the clutch, Mi ddlebury." Nick Snickybum i s the slar sprinler Thu Mules have recently begun to Hllliams feels lhat the learn has done a on the Mules' roster, Whon asked wlial haven better reputation llian lhat high- grenl job of making contacts willi stu- makes the loam so special, Snickylunn l y prai sed Middlebury chicks, The dents that aren 'l on the rosier. While said, "Yeah, ah,,.what was lhoquostion warm hearts and tender souls of the many swimmers dale within tlio team, again?" Lady Mul es have not gone underap- many a member hns been known lo According lo swim lea rn co-caplain preciated , spread their love around. The? swim Finn Heating, the Musi swimmer In Iho Snid 2001 Captains' Award recipi- lea in is active everywhere on campus, See page 11 for Colby Beer Die The women 's golf team conference, "We've done a reall y great ent, T.iui'a Hull ins, "Some of us girls I ie d idn' t sleep with Maria! Tournamen t. It'll make you wish has its hands full wi t h , "We job of keeping reality real nnd the ival- have worked hard to make su re thai According lo Adams reall y you wer e in t he 1989 yearbook , the competition. ily is lhat we're just a hunch of dank the ca ptains knew what we wamlod, I couldn 't have picked a more deserving kids." think thai the close lies between swim- group. When you're talking about the for some st range reason . See p. 11 Several other Mules contribute to mers and captains hns really hel ped us swim lenm, you can always expect big tho loam's r»n>nlnoss in countless ways. ho so siuvi'Ksful. " tilin gs," Certain trends run I rue throughout the Coach's Award winn er, Cindy