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FRIDAY FEBRUARY 12TH 2010 THE INDEPENDENT STUDENT NE SPAPER SINCE 1947 ISSUE NO 713 | VARSITY.CO.UK ‘Artificial Record turnout for NUS vote pancreas’ may

MICHAEL DERRINGER soon be reality

AN AODTO

Ground-breaking new research by Cambridge scientists has provided new hope for those suffering from type 1 diabetes. The study, funded by the Juve- nile Diabetes Research Foundation (JDRF), has brought scientists closer to the development of a commercially viable ‘artifi cial pancreas’ system. Karen Addington, Chief Execu- tive of JDRF, hailed the study as “proof of principle that type 1 diabe- tes in children can be safely managed overnight with an artifi cial pancreas system”. Type 1 diabetes occurs when the pancreas does not produce insulin, the hormone that regulates blood sugar levels. Living with this condition requires regular insulin injections and fi ngerprint tests. However, these treatments carry medical risks of their own. The new technology aims to solve Students vote to cont nue NUS a l at on and enhance welfare support these problems through use of a glucose monitoring system and an Speaking to Varsity, Thomas involved.” this. “The NUS is ineffective, insulin pump. I VICTA Chigbo, leader of the “Vote YES In its 88-year history, the NUS undemocratic, out of touch, fi nan- Though both technologies are – CUSU Affi liation to NUS Referen- has played a crucial role in many cially incompetent, and rife with already widely used, the research In an unprecedented turnout for dum” campaign and current CUSU student-related issues, such as the infi ghting,” Fletcher said. has provided a breakthrough in link- CUSU referenda this week, Cam- President, said: “The message of introduction of the student grant Grayden Webb, another member ing the two devices together, to make bridgeCOLLEGE students decided to remain this YES vote is clear: Cambridge system, the provision of cheque of the “Cambridge Students for Dis- a system tantamount to an ‘artifi cial affi liated with the NUS. They also students have rejected isolation- cards and free banking for students, affi liation from the NUS” campaign, pancreas’. expressed overwhelming support ism and the desperate smears from and the ‘Stop Fees Now’ campaign. pointed out, “JCRs and MCRs have When tested, the new technol- for a campaign to student welfare the NO campaign to reaffi rm our Those who campaigned to main- representation on College commit- ogy was effective in keeping insulin provisions. commitment to a strong student tain Cambridge’s affi liation with the tees and CUSU, and the Graduate levels in a normal range 60 per cent After polls opened on Thurs- movement with a national voice.” organisation argued that a contin- Union have representation on Uni- of the time, as opposed to standard day, nearly 3,500 students voted in He added, “With a general elec- ued association would provide the versity committees, but the NUS is insulin pump therapy, which is only the fi rst referendum, which asked, tion and fees review on the way, University with a powerful voice to ignored at a national level.” 40 per cent effective in performing “Should CUSU be affi liated to the now is the time to intensify our pursue a number of objectives. He continued, “In the battle the same task. National Union of Students (NUS) campaigns by working with NUS Chigbo maintained, “Through against fees, the NUS failed to rally for 2010/11?” The motion passed with to strengthen the student voice. NUS campaigns Cambridge an aggressive campaign [and] with- >

65 per cent of the vote. Remaining affi liated also ensures students have benefitted from out serious public pressure, [the Essayp11 6 In past years, CUSU have that CUSU is best placed to rep- interest-free overdrafts from their government] had no reason to give 0 remained affi liated to the NUS by resent Cambridge students and banks, a 100 per cent increase in students a seat at the table when it Sarah 2 0 default due to previous referenda fail- support JCR/MCRs locally.” government funding for disabled came to the fees review”. Duncan 0 4 ing to achieve the necessary quorum Ben Towse, leader of the cam- students, not to mention all the Nevertheless, the outcome of 4

Don’t be a 4

of 2,000 votes. This year, however, paign against NUS re-affi liation, support given to CUSU and JCR/ the poll will prolong CUSU’s affi li- 8

romance 5 the issue appeared to attract greater told Varsity, “I’m really pleased the MCRs.” ation with the NUS for at least 7 1 interest, with campaigns for both referendum got a decent turnout. Those against the re-affi liation, another year, affording the univer- novel snob 7 7

sides attracting widespread support Both sides put a lot of effort into including last year’s CUSU Presi- sity further opportunities for policy 9 across the University. trying to get students aware and dent, Mark Fletcher, have disputed research, CONTINUED ON PAGE 3 2 Friday February 12th 2010 News Team Ma hew Symngton, Helen Mackreath and Osama Sddqu NES www varsty co uk news@varsty co uk

Celebrations of Chinese Cambridge University Da Vinci’s CV deficient, New Year begin in Ballet Club flash mob according to director of On varstycouk ths week Cambridge Lion Yard CU Careers Service

COENT Cambridge is set to host a number Cambridge University Ballet Club Leonardo da Vinci’s lack of extra- Dan H tchens laments the sad truths of the of events over the next week to has created the fi rst ballet themed curricular activities and teamwork advert s ng world, and Hugo Gye collects the best of celebrate Chinese New Year, the flash mob. Twenty five dancers skills could have put him at a disad- Cambr dge nostalg a most widely celebrated festival in the took to Lion Yard centre vantage in today’s job market Asian calendar. The Lunar New Year on Saturday afternoon, according to the direc- begins on February 14th, culminat- entertaining a crowd tor of the Cambridge ing on February 2nd next year; this of several hundred University Career’s will be the year of the Tiger, symbol- shoppers. The dance Service. Leonardo NEWS ising bravery and courage. was done to contem- was an architect, The latest stor es, updated da ly Also, go onl ne for Cambridge University Chinese porary pop music, musician, scien- Vars TV’s round-up of the week’s news Culture Society (CUCCS) will be and mixed traditional tist, mathematician, celebrating the New Year by enjoy- twirls and pirouhettes engineer, inventor ing a traditional Chinese with with modern dance and anatomist, and is dishes such as roast duck, moves. Onlookers today considered the pig’s trotters, steamed were “impressed at archetypal Renaissance VARSITV fish, and pipa tofu. how professional” the man. The talk of the town, C nd es Stor es, plus Other events include dancers were. Flash mobs However, according to Gordon SuperSports and much more at vars tvcouk Cambridge’s annual are a recent development in Chesterman, director of the Chinese New Year’s Cambridge. In the past they Cambridge Careers Service, his Ball, which will be have typically been used for letter to Ludovico il Moro in 1482, themed around ‘Sweet political protests over tuition early in his career, which reads Spring’. Bambooty, a fees and the environment. like a modern CV, would not have MUSIC Cambridge promoter Plans for forthcom- secured him an interview in today’s We look back at W lco’s alt-rock specialising in Orien- ing fl ash mobs include a recruitment market. “He failed to masterp ece Yankee Hotel Foxtrot and tal club nights, protest at the exclusivity list any extra-curricular activities – g ve you the bas cs of garage rock n will be hosting of the Oxford-Cambridge employers like to see a raft of these ‘Genre Theory’ a Chinese New boat race by racing infl ata- on CVs – it shows people take on Year celebration bles, model boats and rubber new things, meet different people, at Revs. ducks alongside the river. develop new skills. Unprecedented offers require two A*s Jamie’s Italian set to open

in our Prospectus”. Parks denied that the higher entry- Kingston, Brighton, Canary Wharf, C AI GATZN The Admissions website states: requirements indicated an attempt OAA IDDII Guildford, and Cardiff. “All Colleges modify offers to take to restrict the increasing number of In addition to Cambridge, a The University of Cambridge has account of individual circumstances. students applying to Cambridge. Jamie’s Italian, the independent further three locations are planned made conditional offers requir- More challenging offers may be set “We were not fi ned in the last signature restaurant of celebrity chef in Reading, Leeds, and Liverpool. ing A-level applicants to achieve a to ensure that an applicant can cope admissions round and it is not yet Jamie Oliver, will open in Cambridge minimum of two A* grades and one A with the demands of exams in cases clear that there will even be any fi nes on February 22nd. HELEN MACKREATH grade in their exams this summer. where some doubt exists.” associated with over-recruitment in The 220-seat restaurant, which will The unprecedented move means However Joe Farish, CUSU’s this admissions round – it will proba- be located at the back of the Guild- that 76 A-level students must achieve Access Offi cer, was concerned that bly depend on which party is in power hall, on Wheeler Street, promises an average of 90% across all A2 units the higher grade requirements might after the election. to bring “what’s best about casual in at least two subjects. This number deter able state-school students from “Because we are in the fortunate dining to the high street.” represents 2.5% of all conditional applying to the University. Speak- position that we are the fi rst choice The restaurant aims to offer offers made for October 2010 entry. ing to Varsity, he said, “The A*AA of the vast majority of our applicants, simple and rustic Italian cuisine for The offers have been made across all has unfortunately deterred stronger we are able to predict admissions affordable prices in a traditional Colleges and subjects. applicants who lack confi dence in numbers with much greater accuracy “neighbourbood” setting. However, the University Under- their application. than most other universities. The The anticipation for the opening is graduate Admissions website states “I know from my own experience risk of being fi ned is therefore very, already running high. “I can’t wait that “the standard A-level conditional that many strong applicants from very small and has not infl uenced to try it,” said one fi rst-year student. offer made by the Cambridge Colleges state schools have the ability to get admissions policy,” he told Varsity. “I’ve been to their Oxford location for 2010 entry will be A*AA.” None into Cambridge but lack the confi - “The real question is: Would these and loved it.” of the subjects’ websites suggest dence to apply, and I worry that the students rather have an A*A*A offer Jamie’s Italian has had consider- that applicants may be expected to introduction of the A*A*A will make or no offer?” he concluded. able success in university towns, as achieve two A* grades. this problem worse.” The news comes amidst reports students seem to be one of its key Dr Geoff Parks, Director of Admis- Lord Mandelson, Secretary of that the Universities of York, target markets. sions, told Varsity that “the possibility State, has warned universities that Nottingham and Newcastle raised The chain currently serves seven of offers asking for more than one A* they will face fi nes of £3,700 for every A-level entry requirements after locations in England with high student being made was very clearly fl agged extra place awarded. However, Dr students had applied. populations including Oxford, Bath, Jam e’s tal an on Wheeler Street

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Get involved  Emma Mustich & Laurie Tuffrey edtor@varsty co uk   Avantika Chilkoti assocate@varsty co uk & Paul Smith magazne@varsty co uk   Zing Tsjeng dgtal@varsty co uk   Matthew Symington news@varsty co uk     Helen Mackreath & Osama Siddiqui news@varsty co uk    Charlotte Runcie comment@varsty co uk    Vince Bennici & Ed Thornton sport@varsty co uk    Joe Pitt-Rashid features@varsty co uk   Alice Hancock & Lara Prendergast arts@varsty co uk If you would like to fi nd out how   Abigail Dean theatre@varsty co uk     David Pegg revews@varsty co uk   Matilda Bathurst, Argyro Nicolaou & Charlotte Wu fashon@varsty co uk to write for Varsity, come to one    Claire Gatzen, Gemma Oke & James Wilson senorreporter@varsty co uk    Sita Dinanauth scence@varsty co uk     Rosie Corner food@varsty co uk of our weekly meetings.   Nathan Brooker, Nick Chapman, Edward Herring, Jemima Middleton, Kiran Millwood-Hargrave, Lydia Onyett, George Reynolds & David Shone theatrecrtc@varsty co uk   Eleanor Careless, Dan Grabiner, Joe Snape & Scott Whittaker musc@varsty co uk   Katie Anderson & Victoria Beale flm@varsty co uk     Eliot D'Silva vsualarts@varsty co uk   Zeljka Marosevic lterary@varsty co uk  Laura Freeman laura freeman@varsty co uk News Monday 4pm, Queens' College Bar    Phillippa Garner vtv@varsty co uk   Richard Rothschild-Pearson & Fred Rowson vtv@varsty co uk     Alan Young vtv@varsty co uk    Colm Flanagan producton@varsty co uk    Lauren Arthur & Angela Scarsbrook subedtor@varsty co uk   Lydia Crudge, Mike Hornsey, Joe Perez & Charlotte Sewell subedtor@varsty co uk  Dylan Spencer-Davidson desgner@varsty co uk    Michael Derringer Magazne Wednesday 5.30pm, The Maypole (Portugal Place)      Michael Derringer busness@varsty co uk    Dr Michael Franklin (Chair), Prof. Peter Robinson, Dr Tim Harris, Mr Chris Wright, Mr Michael Derringer, Mr Elliot Ross, Mr Patrick Kingsley (VarSoc President), Miss Anna Trench, Mr Hugo Gye, Mr Michael Stothard, Miss Clementine Dowley, Mr Robert Peal, Mr Christopher Adriaanse, Miss Emma Mustich & Mr Laurie Tuffrey Alternatively, email the relevant NEWSPAPERS section editor (right) with your SUPPORT Vars ty, Old Exam nat on Hall, Free School Lane, Cambr dge CB2 3RF Tel 01223 337575 Fax 01223 760949 Vars ty s publ shed by Vars ty Publ cat ons Ltd Vars ty Publ cat ons also publ shes BlueSc and The Mays RECYCLING Recycled paper made ©2010 Vars ty Publ cat ons Ltd All r ghts reserved No part of th s publ cat on may be reproduced, stored n a retr eval system or transm  ed n any form or by any means electron c, mechan cal photocopy ng, record ng or ideas. up 87.2% of the raw material for UK newspapers in 2008 otherw se w thout pr or perm ss on of the publ sher Pr nted at Il  e Pr nt Cambr dge — W nsh p Road, M lton, Cambr dge CB24 6PP on 48gsm UPM Ma Paper Reg stered as a newspaper at the Post O ce ISSN 1758-4442 NEWSPAPERS SUPPORT RECYCLING News Team Ma hew Symngton, Helen Mackreath and Osama Sddqu Friday February 12th 2010 3 news@varsty co uk www varsty co uk NESS Appeals from Jewish students fail to prevent Islamic Society’s controversial talk

despite being fully aware of how it the Nazis to remove the Jews from world where nobody killed anybody.” described Fatah, the Palestinian A ION would make Jewish students and Europe. He believes that this could be political party who seek a peaceful others feel.” Disputing the right of the Israe- achieved by acknowledgement of resolution, as “collaborators” with A controversial academic, infamous The Islamic Society defended its lis to settle in the Middle East, he what has happened. the Americans and the Israelis. for his condemnation of Israel, spoke decision to invite Tamimi. Speaking argued that “it is a racist thing to “Just like Europeans acknowl- When asked whether suicide on Monday night at Clare College, to Varsity, Mirina Paananen, Presi- claim that God has given any land edge what was done to bombings and rocket attacks can Cambridge. dent of the Society, said, “We took to anybody. God is not a real the Jews in Europe, ever be justifi ed, Dr Tamimi argued Dr Azzam Tamimi, director of the into consideration the concerns that estate agent.” the world must that “a community under siege that London-based Institute of Islamic the CU Jewish Society had ahead of “This project is about acknowledge is punished collectively is driven Political Thought, had been invited the talk.” Europe wanting to prolong what was done to desperation in trying to protect to talk by the University’s Islamic “The points of concern were rigor- its infl uence in the world, to the Palestin- itself and restore its rights.” Society. He discussed the conse- ously investigated and we found using a community of ians.” He added He added, “Don’t blame the quences of the Gaza confl ict, changes that the allegations were either people to promote this later, “we must victims, blame the oppressors.” in the region, and the possibility of unfounded or taken out of context function at the expense of sit down and The talk was not well received an amicable resolution. of both.” somebody else – as they talk.” either by the CU Jewish Society The talk went ahead despite When asked about the Israel did in Northern Ireland.” However, or the Israel Society. Alex Cohen, protests from the University’s Society’s decision to cancel Benny Nonetheless, Tamimi Tamimi also Co-President of CU Jewish Society, Jewish Society and the CU Israel Morris’s talk, Paananen said, “it advocated a peaceful stated that one who was present at the event, said: Society, who last week cancelled was in fact the CU Israel Society resolution to the confl ict, should “fi ght in “The talk confi rmed many of our a talk by the historian Benny that took the decision to cancel the stating that “it would be the cause of Allah worst fears. The sole aim of the talk Morris following accusations of talk. Neither did we agree with the much better if we those who fi ght seemed to be a basic denial of Israel’s “Islamophobia”. decision to cancel the talk, nor was lived in a you.” He right to exist using some rather “Cambridge University Jewish there a call to do so.” spurious ‘historical’ references.” Society contacted the Islamic Tamimi has been accused of anti- The CU Israel Society Committee Society as soon as we heard that this Semitism and support for suicide stated that they believe in “direct, event was going on,” Rob Mindell, bombings in the past. In 2004, he healthy, honest contact with other CU Jewish Society President, told claimed that “sacrificing myself societies in promoting peaceful Varsity. “We explained the upset for Palestine is a noble cause. It approaches to sensitive issues that that Azzam Tamimi would cause is the straight way to pleasing my connect us.” to many Jewish students, in his God and I would do it if I had the However, one student present at advocacy of suicide bombings, his opportunity.” the talk described Dr Tamimi as praise of ‘the jihad of Hamas and He spent the majority of his “passionate”. Another defended Hizbollah’, and his belittlement of Monday night speech focusing on the right of the Islamic Society the Holocaust.” Israel. Stating that the confl ict in to invite him. “It’s important that “The decision to invite Azzam the Middle East is “purely politi- we recognise the right of free Tamimi was the Islamic Society’s cal”, he argued that the founders speech,” she said. “As a Univer- decision to make, it’s just a shame of Zionism were “all atheists sity, we should be the principal they chose to continue with the talk and secular” who worked with Dr Azzam Tam m , d rector of the Inst tute of Islam c Pol t cal Thought forum for this kind of debate.” Students vote ‘Yes’ in CUSU referenda Minorities underrepresented at Oxbridge, report claims

CONTINUED FROM FRONT PAGE representation, offi cer training and are very serious issues that need CUSU Welfare Offi cer should be 10.5 per cent alleged by the report. legal and staffi ng guidance. addressing.” replaced with a joint CUSU and IC GO Beard explained that “the local However, with a student popula- Yet Wes Streeting, NUS Presi- Graduate Union Support Offi cer and nature of part-time admissions tion of almost 20,000, the total dent and former President of a full-time Student Advisor. Students from ethnic minority naturally skews fi gures in favour of number of votes which were cast CUSU, said: “NUS is a much more Nearly 2,900 votes were cast for backgrounds are underrepresented those institutions near large towns remains low at just under 3,500. democratic and effective campaign- the motion, with an overwhelming at the Universities of Cambridge and or cities where BAME populations Towse pointed out that, “The YES ing organisation today than it was 91 per cent of students voting ‘Yes’. Oxford, a recent report has claimed. exist. vote secured substantially less when I was President of CUSU. The result was hailed as landmark The report, published by Race for “There is a real need to ensure support than at most comparable Many of the arguments put across by Amiya Bhatia, CUSU Welfare Opportunity, a branch of the outreach that important and necessary referenda at other universities.” by the NO campaign were either and Graduates Offi cer. Bhatia said, charity Business in the Community, research on this subject accurately He added: “So, while Cambridge factually inaccurate or driven by a “YES for Student Support means claimed that only 10.5 per cent of captures all the issues, such as educa- students have decided not to give factional agenda.” every student in Cambridge will Cambridge students and 11.1 per cent tional achievement and social and up on the NUS yet, they have In a second referendum, students have access to a full time profes- of Oxford students are from black or geographic factors, simply suggest- sent a clear message that there were asked to vote on whether the sional Student Advisor and a CUSU/ ethnic minority backgrounds. These ing that certain institutions are in ALASTAIR APPLETON GU Sabbatical Offi cer.” fi gures are signifi cantly below the some way ‘failing’ without any discus- She added: “The University of national average. sion with those institutions is helpful Cambridge will no longer be the Some Russell Group universi- to no-one.” only University in the Russell ties are, however, making notable Group without a Student Advisor in progress in improving diversifi ca- its Student Union. This is the most tion: at both the London School exciting opportunity for change of Economics and King’s College CUSU has had and one which will London, over 40 per cent of students allow CUSU and the GU to take are from ethnic minorities. 52 Trumpington Street unprecedented steps to improve The report asserts that there are Cambridge CB2 1RG welfare and student support for seven times fewer black students every student.” than at other British universities. FREE CHELSEA BUN The result was also welcomed However Jon Beard, Director of With every purchase over £2.00 in the shop by the Graduate Union. Jennifer Cambridge’s Undergraduate Recruit- OR Harcourt, President of the Gradu- ment, disputed the accuracy of the FREE MORNING ate Union, told Varsity, “The results fi gures, stating that for the academic allow us to dramatically improve year 2008-9 fi fteen per cent of those COFFEE/TEA (9am-12pm) Student Support to all Cambridge students who declared their ethnic- With any cake or pastry in the restaurant students, and the joint project ity described themselves as Black, on presentation of this voucher brings benefi ts to both the Graduate Asian or Minority Ethnic (BAME), and proof of student status M chael Atk ns and Grayden Webb campa gned to d sa l ate from the NUS Union and to CUSU.” a fi gure substantially in excess of the 4 Friday February 12th 2010 News Team: Matthew Symington, Helen Mackreath and Osama Siddiqui NeWS www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] Disabled Students Liberation Campaign takes off CUSU Disabilities Officer scrapped as new campaign seeks to give disabled students “representation they deserve” helen maCkreath working to promote positive self def- gemma oke inition among disabled students. “We want to get the idea across The CUSU Disabilities Officer is that disability isn’t a pejorative term to be replaced by a new disabled to describe you – it’s society that has students’ campaign in a move to the problem with people who are end disability discrimination at the different.” University. She added, “30 per cent of disabled The Disabled Students Liberation students (at GCSE) don’t make it to Campaign (DSLC) will become an further education, let alone higher autonomous campaign affiliated to education.” CUSU, alongside existing campaigns Beccy Talmy added, “We want to promoting access and combating dis- change the culture to one where dis- crimination. The DSLC’s remit will abled people can feel as though they see the new body work to improve are promoting their rights, not ‘being the experiences of disabled students a nuisance’.” at Cambridge, as well as campaign- A distinguishing feature of the ing to promote a positive image of new campaign is that all of the repre- disability in society. sentatives will self-define as having The nine-member campaign will a disability. “We’re very much open include officers representing a wide to support and interest from people range of disabilities, ranging from who don’t self-define as disabled”, physical disability to invisible impair- said Talmy. ments such as Asperger’s Syndrome, “Previous disability officers have and mental health issues. Represen- come into the job having done ‘work tatives for Welfare, Access, Social experience’ with disabled people in and Equality and Diversity will also the holidays, and think that they be included. know how best to represent dis- The founders of the Disabled Students Liberation Campaign Speaking exclusively to Varsity, abled students on the basis of that. invest in this. campaign established. He said, “This students the same representation as joint campaign leaders Beccy Talmy, We hope that as well as encouraging “They’re now looking at things is a real example of how a student- deserved, with regards to both right Morgan Wild and Esther Leighton other disabled people by being ‘pres- like disability audits, and policies led initiative can lead to significant and needs. Change in this respect has explained that as well as improving ent’ and visible, having people who like ‘Dignity at Study’ which will set change. been required for a long time and it facilities for disabled students, the self-define as disabled will better out a clear process for dealing with “I am personally thrilled with this will lead to better and more accurate DSLC is committed to changing per- understand and represent the issues discrimination and prejudice: these change. The task this year of being representation for disabled students ceptions of disability among disabled faced by disabled students.” things will benefit everybody, stu- the one student officer represent- and, most importantly, by disabled and non-disabled students alike. Members of the DSLC were keen dents and staff.” ing over 1,000 disabled students in students.” “The social approach to disability to praise CUSU for their support of The current CUSU disability rep- this University, on a personal and The inaugural elections to the hasn’t moved forward in the way that the new body. Talmy said, “To give resentative, Rob Mindell, whose policy level, has been a tall order. DSLC are due to take place along- attitudes to other issues, like race or the sabbatical officers their due, post will be replaced by the DSLC, The Disabled Students Autono- side the CUSU elections in March gender, has,” said Leighton. “We’re they’ve all really made an effort to was instrumental in getting the new mous Campaign will give disabled 2010. Cambridge election candidates go head to Comics and Disney studied head at University-sponsored debate at new research centre

fees. Juniper pledged to abolish the Other topics included housing, the centre’s work will play an impor- elizabeth bateman fees and deemed the replacement environment and sustainability. Both imogen goodman tant role in influencing the messages grants the “best investment the Huppert and Juniper sought after an and forms of children’s popular cul- Cambridge’s general election can- country could make”. increase in “green jobs” whilst Hill- A new centre for Research and ture, stating, “If what we regard as didates took part in a public debate Huppert agreed with the plan to man intended to regain the “sense Teaching in Children’s Literature trash is popular with young people, earlier this week, the first of its kind. abolish fees and felt it was “unfair” of belonging that communities had has been formally launched this week we need to know why”. She also The event was organised by the that previous students hadn’t had lost”. in Cambridge as part of the Faculty helen maCkreath Cambridge Programme for Sustain- to pay them. When Conservative This debate sees the four candi- of Education. The centre consists of ability Leadership (CPSL) and was Hillman asked where the money for dates battling for the Cambridge 13 researchers. attended by over 100 members of the this scheme was coming from, Hup- parliamentary seat previously Researchers will survey the impact public. pert replied, “savings and cuts from held by Liberal Democrat David of various cultural materials upon Labour candidate Daniel Zeichner, elsewhere”. Howarth. the ideological development of chil-

Conservative Nick Hillman, Liberal helen maCkreath dren, from an early age through to Democrat Julian Huppert and the adolescence. Less traditional media Green Party’s Tony Juniper attended platforms, such as video games and the University-sponsored debate on fan fiction, will be analysed alongside “the future of the city”. literary classics such as Robert Louis Nick Hillman, Conservative, Stevenson’s Treasure Island. Nota- targeted issues of congestion and bly, the Twilight series will come transport. Tony Juniper, Green under examination. Party, and Julian Huppert, Liberal Experts in the fields of Education Democrats, both believed that the and Children’s Literature attest the solution lay with greener cars. They importance of such studies, arguing suggested the installation of charging that films and books have a profound points for electric cars and the resto- impact on children, shaping their ration of railway links with Oxford. sense of identity and perception of When questioned about the £1.3bil- the world around them. lion proposed 10-lane superhighway Morag Styles, a member of the steer- The Twilight series for the A14, Labour candidate Daniel ing group for the centre, said: “The Zeichner believed it would have been texts we read in childhood can have defended the study of unconventional much cheaper if it had been done ear- lifelong significance to us. Many of sources such as Disney films, “If lier. Julian Huppert felt it was a plan these texts are rich and deep and we just pretend these things do not “we do not want and do not need”. worthy of detailed analysis.” exist, we could lose a very important A 17-year-old spectator asked the Professor Maria Nikolajeve, the dimension of children’s competence candidates their views on tuition Tony Juniper of the Green Party speaking at the Election debate director of the centre, indicated that at interpreting stories.” News Team Ma hew Symngton, Helen Mackreath and Osama Sddqu Friday February 12th 2010 5 news@varsty co uk www varsty co uk NESS King’s students vote on future of Soviet symbol Followng an open meetng last nght students wll vote to retan, replace or remove Hammer & Sckle

HELEN MACKREATH The votes for these options will Luke Hawksbee, arguing in GO C IDT only be counted if a majority of stu- opposition, said, “I have absolutely dents vote for the replacement option no desire for KCSU to seemingly Voting is currently underway at on the fi rst page. endorse Stalinism so I proposed King’s College on a referendum The controversial symbol, which that we replace the fl ag with a more seeking to remove the controversial was once the fl ag of the Soviet Union, generic symbol of socialism to keep Hammer & Sickle fl ag from the Col- sits inside a gilded frame and has our radical traditions alive.” lege Bar. been hung in the College bar since Despite the contentious nature of At an Open Meeting on Thursday 2004. The decision to hang the fl ag the issue, many felt that the debate evening, the King’s College Student was made after repeated cases of has been positive and productive. Union (KCSU) unveiled the online vandals painting the symbol on the Speaking to Varsity, Juan Zober de voting system that will allow stu- bar walls. Francisco, President of KCSU, said: dents to vote on the future of the fl ag. In recent years, however, the fl ag “I feel that the debate was construc- Voting will remain open for 48 hours, has attracted fierce debate from tive and interesting. As expected, from Thursday evening to Saturday many who fi nd the image to be objec- the issue is one that’s not only contro- evening. tionable and offensive. versial, but one that many students The voting system is designed in Arguing in favour of its removal, feel personally involves their lives, such a way that, on the fi rst page, Stephen Downie said, “King’s bar is a and the massive turnouts at our two students have the opportunity to place where members of the College Open Meetings are a testament to vote for one of three proposals. should feel comfortable. I know for a this.” These include keeping the fl ag as it fact that some King’s members and He was also keen to emphasise the is, removing it entirely, or replacing some visitors have people in their historic nature of the referendum. it with another symbol. family who were persecuted or killed The constitution of KCSU had to be On a second page of voting, stu- under the Soviet Union.” suspended to allow the vote to take dents may vote for a number of He added, “Although [the flag] place. It is also the fi rst time that replacement alternatives. These may be a part of King’s history, it is King’s graduates and undergradu- options include turning the fl ag upside an embarrassing and anachronistic ates will be voting jointly. down, painting it purple and white, one which harms our College’s repu- KCSU expects the results of the or replacing it with the gay pride fl ag tation and alienates certain members fi nal vote to be released by Sunday or the Amnesty International fl ag. of the College community.” morning. The framed Hammer & S ckle hang ng n K ng’s Bar Shell hits back against Amnesty protestors Shell Internatonal Relatons Manager says protests were based on “unsupported allegatons” and “superfcal conclusons”

communities and leave us to clean up has invested $3 billion in gas-gather- An AIDS programme initiated relevant parties will need to work CAI GATZN the mess. ing projects since 2000, with Shell’s by Shell in partnership with the together, and SPDC is supporting “Some armed militant groups blow total fl aring falling by 60 per cent in NGO Family Health International the Government and other parts of Shell has hit back at the ‘Shell Hell up pipelines and other facilities to that time. recently won an international award civil society.” Day’ organised by Cambridge Uni- stop oil production and draw atten- Amnesty’s claims that Shell has in New York. CU Amnesty in turn have versity Amnesty International last tion to conditions in the Niger Delta,” failed to address social impacts However, Ajeh concedes that responded to Shell. Hannah Perry, Thursday. Students from across she added. adequately were also “there are many diffi cult challenges head of CU Amnesty International, Cambridge donned white jump-suits “Of course we are attacked. “I don’t in trying to improve people’s lives countered Shell’s claim that sabotage for the day to campaign against the concerned about accept this,” said in the Niger Delta and it would be contributed to most of the pollution, energy company’s operations in the the environmental Ajeh. “SPDC takes wrong to pretend otherwise. In order arguing that Shell has exacerbated Niger Delta. impact of oil spills the social impacts to address these many challenges, all the problem. Alice Ajeh, International Relations and the impact of its operations JULIA LICHNOVADINAN Manager of Shell, who has lived most on communities. into account of her life in the Niger Delta, spoke The Shell Peace and looks for exclusively to Varsity to address the and Development new ways for concerns of the students who called Council (SPDC) is communities to for Shell to “clean up their act”. committed to stop- benefi t.” Ajeh denied that Shell was the ping all leaks as fast as In 2008, $158 mil- main culprit for oil pollution, explain- possible and cleaning up lion was given to the ing, “The sad fact is that much of oil all spill sites.” Niger Delta Develop- pollution in the Niger Delta is caused Ajeh also sought to play ment Commission and $84 million by sabotage. Most of that is caused down the reality of the social and was injected directly into commu- by heavily-armed gangs who illegally environmental impacts of gas fl aring. nity development projects. Ajeh tap into the pipelines to steal large “To put it into perspective, there are notes that “this is the largest single quantities of crude oil. They spill oil, fewer than 110 fl ares in an area the investment in communities that cause widespread environmental size of Portugal.” Shell companies make anywhere in damage, impact the lives of affected She also pointed out that the SPDC the world.” CU Amnesty protesters at last week’s ‘Shell Hell Day’ 6 Friday February 12th 2010 News Team Ma hew Symngton, Helen Mackreath and Osama Sddqu NNES www varsty co uk news@varsty.co.uk

NEWS INTERVIEW Hi! Society Eastern promise Merrow Golden and Ashlegh Lammng speak to Rahul Gandh, sc on of the most powerful fam ly n Ind an pol t cs, about educat on East and West

“What is the best place to eat in Education Act (August 2009) had learning by rote, and not enough tion system will accommodate Gog Magog Molly Cambridge these days?” Rahul been passed, and were very inter- on learning to think by yourself. this infl ux of students is a tough Gandhi asks us when we meet ested in getting Gandhi’s opinion The American system is about question. Picture a group of people in for an interview. We are taken by on it. questioning knowledge. The British Complicating matters further eye-catching clothing that surprise: it is not the question we The Act aimed to provide free are such questions as the extent to clashes – bright pink boots, expected to be asked by one of the and compulsory education to all which there should be preferential fl uorescent yellow and black leading politicians of the largest children aged 6 to 14; a big step in “Asking questions treatment in the education system striped tights, a blue and pink democracy in the world. Indian educational policy. However, for members of the lower castes dotted dress, a face painted Gandhi, of course, knows all about from the viewpoint of children and coming up and women. Gandhi supports such green and a red hat – all Cambridge student life, having with special needs, there were still action, arguing that “for now it is performing the centuries-old read for an MPhil in Development signifi cant gaps. It brought to our with their own absolutely necessary. Ideally, we’d folk dance. Sounds unique, Studies at Trinity College in 1995. attention the complexities of state- create more places at good univer- doesn’t it? He remembers the experience sponsored education and the need ideas is actively sities, and improve the standards of It is. Gog Magog Molly offers fondly. “Cambridge was immensely for such education to support all. As discouraged the remaining ones until everyone the experience of traditional infl uential in shaping the person I one of the BRIC countries (Brazil, who wanted a good education could Morris dancing with a twist. am today,” he says. Russia, India, China), India’s devel- amongst students get one.” The group is highly sought- Rahul Gandhi is the scion of the opment is of crucial importance to He adds, “But we have to be after around the country. Last Nehru-Gandhi family, India’s most the rest of the world. in the Indian realistic. There are some groups in year, they attended, amongst prominent political dynasty. His Gandhi is intimately involved India that have been discriminated other events, Wallingford mother, Sonia Gandhi, is currently with education in India. In Septem- education system.” against historically and they need Bunkfest – a music, dance, craft the leader of the Indian National ber 2007, he accepted the position help to access higher education.” and beer festival all rolled into Congress, while his late father, to lead the Youth Congress as well education system is a balance Gandhi has a clear vision of one. Highlights in the near Rajiv Gandhi, was Prime Minister as the National Students Union. As between the two.” where he wants Indian education future will include a trip to of India from 1984 to 1989. His such, he feels very strongly about Despite the shortcomings to go. “Education can’t be about Oxford, where they will be grandmother was Indira Gandhi, the importance of education and the of the Indian education telling students what parading the streets, and the who served as Prime Minister for need for expanding the education system, Gandhi believes to think anymore. Inter-Varsity Folk Dancing 15 years, and his great-grandfather system. in the potential of The role of teachers Festival in March, the longest- was Jawaharlal Nehru, who was He said, “If India is to move Indian students. He should be about running folk festival in the India’s fi rst Prime Minister in 1947. forward, we need to allow all of says, “The disci- helping children UK. Born into a family that is so used our citizens access to opportunity, pline, diligence to manage all the Gog Magog Molly was to occupying centre stage, it was and to do that, they need access and motivation of different sources of formed in 1996 to celebrate a huge change for Gandhi to come to education. It is not okay for Indian students is information, and to the 80th birthday of Cecil to Cambridge as “just another disabled people not to have access unparalleled.” make decisions for Papworth, the man whose student”. As he recalls, “it was a to education, or the opportunities Education remains themselves about research enabled the revival of very strange time – my father had that follow from it.” arguably the most what they believe the Comberton Broom Dance just died, and I went from that to Gandhi has a particularly unique crucial foundation based on critical and Cambridgeshire Molly and being in a place where no one knew vantage point in tackling the for the development evaluation of the ‘Feast’ Dances. Part of its work who I was.” education debate, having attended of Indian society, and competing sources of involves touring local schools Gandhi stayed away from the school not only in India and the more crucial still for a information.” to preserve the heritage of its political sphere for some time after UK, but also in the US (he gradu- functioning liberal democ- East Anglican tradition. graduating from Cambridge, but it ated from Florida’s Rollins College racy. India seems to be The group meets to practise seems that the desire to follow in in 1994). With recent statements bursting at the seams every Tuesday, 8-10pm, his family’s footsteps was too strong such as President Obama’s on the demographically. in various locations around to ignore: he has now appeared on importance of an education system How the Cambridge. These sessions are the political scene as a major voice. that “will allow us to compete with educa- attended by some of the found- China and India”, it is clear that ing members who have long comparative studies may be of criti- left the University, as well as “The Indian cal use. current students. Gandhi agreed that the Indian Meetings are geared toward system focuses education system did differ from preparing for the numerous that of the UK and US. “The public events that the society too much on relationship of students with teach- participates in. The standard ers is different in the US from is high, with many members learning by rote. India. In the US, students called drawn from the most talented The American their lecturers by their fi rst dancers within other Univer- name and I remember being sity folk dancing societies. system is about pleasantly surprised by Most are familiar with the that.” routines, and this shared exper- questioning “Asking questions is tise allows for a democratic actively discouraged in the and informal structure, with knowledge.” Indian education system. At members taking turns to lead. university in India, students The group caters for beginners He was recently re-elected to the are actively discouraged too, however, and welcomes Lok Sabha in 2009, representing the from coming up with their those new to Molly dancing. constituency of Amethi. Political own ideas and from disagreeing A typical session will involve observers think that he may be the with the lecturer.” more experienced members man to lead the country one day. He recalls a time when he practising for upcoming events The desire to interview Rahul plucked up the courage to ask a and beginners being taught by Gandhi was a result of our stay in question in physics, only to receive experts. DUNCAN EVANS India last summer. We had spent the reply of “because this is how it the summer at a placement with the is”. In contrast, Gandhi is impressed To find out more about Gog Magog Latika Roy Foundation, which is a with the education he received at Molly take a look on their website at charity that supports children and Cambridge. www.societies.cam.ac.uk/molly/ young adults with special needs. We He explains, “The Indian educa- arrived a week after the Right to tion system focuses too much on News Team Ma hew Symngton, Helen Mackreath and Osama Sddqu Friday February 12th 2010 7 news@varsty co uk www varsty co uk NESS

VARSITY PROFILE Cambridge Zoah Hedges-Stocks Spies From the funfa r to the world of academ a for the “g rl w th the we rd ha r”

MICHAEL DERRINGER By most modern standards, Zoah’s but I didn’t have that problem, I’ll life is enviably exotic and intrigu- talk to anyone.” ing. Born into a family of travelling She also believes that her showmen, her family have been background has helped to infl u- working on the fairgrounds since the ence her choice to take a degree in late 1800s. History. She grew up in a caravan and “Some of my favourite child- spent her summers travelling with hood memories are of sitting on my the fairground, often fi nding herself Granddad’s knee, with him telling working at the Jesus May Ball me stories. There’s a lot of sense of fi reworks. heritage and tradition in our commu- Now she has achieved her child- nity and that’s defi nitely infl uenced hood ambition to be “on the other side me.” Easter come Early of the fence”, in her fi rst year study- However, Zoah does not see herself ing History at Murray Edwards. staying in the family business after Lounging in your room, minding Zoah’s start was far removed from graduation. “I’d like to branch out. I your own business, taken aback the selective world of Cambridge mean, we’ve been doing this for 200 by noises of exertion next door? academia: she was the fi rst member years!” she said. “I see myself doing A slow thump and a tired moan. of her community to apply to univer- something different, maybe journal- Alas, but what could it be? sity. “A lot of people didn’t really get ism – yes that’s a hint, Varsity! the gist of it.” “But I know this will always be a a) The strenuous, the commited “Cambridge was the only univer- part of me, and will always be there – the neighbour’s doing press- sity people had heard of, but a lot for me to go back to – it’s not just a ups gag. of people didn’t understand that the business, it’s part of who I am.” b) The traditional, the conven- application process was selective – Since arriving at Cambridge, tional – the homegirl’s getting they assumed that you could just Zoah says she’s been surprised by laid card. walk in. But this wasn’t to do with the amount of attention her story c) The unexpected, the unset- ignorance, it’s just because it’s not has attracted. On Wednesday she tling, the sound of vibrations really part of our world. People were appeared on BBC Radio 4: “People in the background...oh the interested as it was something new have been very interested, and I fi nd Rabbit is a’hopping tonight. and exciting.” it a bit bizarre. Back at home every- Despite this, Zoah believes that one just knew me as that girl who her background has helped her since vanished for six months every year Confessions of a she’s been at Cambridge, “I think with the weird hair. Teenage Drama-Keen it’s made me very bolshie and self- “People come up to me and say: confi dent,” she laughs. ‘Oh I hear you’re that girl who’s from “Ok…Umm…I don’t really want “You have to be when you’re the funfair.’ And it’s weird because to Varsity Spies myself coz it’s running a business. I think a lot of to me it’s perfectly normal. I’m not a like quite attention seeking lol but I did snog 18 people on my working class people can feel out of one-off; there’s a lot more of us than birthday…” their depth coming to Cambridge, you think.” ELLEN DAVIS-WALKER Darling, we understand. And yes, it is totally hilarious. We ‘lolled’ pretty hard too – so cringe! But what, dear reader, could this chaste maiden, this UniversityWatch paragon of timidity, possibly have to complain about?

a) “…anyway, the bf went a bit The University of Oxford Bristol University Burnley FC University mental, total sense of humour failure lol.” On Monday evening, Danny Ayalon, Israel’s At its Annual General Meeting (AGM) last week, Burnley Football Club is set to launch the b) “…who’d have thought that Deputy Foreign Minister, gave a speech to the Bristol University Students Union voted to world’s fi rst university for the study of football my supervisor was such a students at the Oxford Union during which rename its meeting the Students Hearing and at its Turf Moor Stadium. There already are Cindies fan anyway.” protesters carrying Palestinian fl ags heckled Giving Factual Evidence and Structured Talk institutions where the game of football can be c) “…bummed I didn’t hit target him. One protester is alleged to have shouted (SHAGFEST). From the time this vote was cast, studied but, unlike these, the new university though, too boozed to bag the last four and make it one for the phrase, “Idbah al-yahud”, which in Arabic all references to the Union’s AGM must instead will aim to teach a diverse range of students every year.” means “Kill the Jews”. Ayalon is consider- be references to SHAGFEST and the Union’s about the fi nancial and commercial aspects ing whether to press charges and the Israeli 2011 AGM will be marketed and referred to as of the sport, as well as how to play the game. Three-Way Relay Embassy in London is scrutinising CCTV SHAGFEST 2011. This move has been made Plans are in place to renovate the current footage of the outburst. Ayalon, a member of the in order to rebrand the AGM and to reinvigo- stadium and this proj- We’ve all boasted of bedroom right-wing nationalist party Yisrael Beitenu, rate students to support and take an interest ect will be carried Olympics but one lucky lass, believes it is his moral duty to press charges in the Union’s work and is “intended to out by StadiaAre- swapping with University against the offender, who is thought to be save paper in line with the environ- na, a fi rm that is gymnasts, decided to go for the a member of the university’s pro-Pales- mental aims of the Union”. It is argued responsible for gold, impressing a pair of local tinian society. The British Government that, since there was no reason why designing some athletes who’d joined the team for an evening of Light Blue is suffering further embarrassment than the meeting was called the AGM, the of the world’s bacchanalia. Set for a heated it already did following the issuance of rebranding will not change anything best known sta- competition next morn, how did warrants for the arrest for war crimes but students’ view of it, which it is diums, and which the judges score these nubile, of Israeli offi cials visiting London. hoped will be more positive. fully supports lustful jocks? Since former Israeli Foreign Minis- According to Richard the creation of the ter Tzipi Livni cancelled her visit Jarvis’ proposal, the university. Part of a) 10.0 - Gold Medal. after a warrant for her arrest was new name should, “bring the new design of b) 0 – flopped on the floor issued by a British court, Ayalon about a change in percep- the stadium will be its ability to be fully trans- exercise. No score - They were too is the fi rst senior Israeli offi cial tion,” and, “refl ect what formed into a concert hall or exhibition centre, c) to come to England. happens at a rebranded busy having a threesome. In in keeping with the two-in-one StadiaArena Huntingdon. AGM”. concept. ESMÉ NICHOLSON

8 Friday February 12th 2010 News Team: Matthew Symington, Helen Mackreath and Osama Siddiqui NeWS www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] Universities “heading for tough times”, Elite schools says David Willetts “tightening grip” on

are considered worthwhile by the Conservatives, a 10% discount donald futers universities. would be offered as an incentive to top universities In what could be construed as an those who repay their student loan David Willetts has warned that attack on Lord Mandelson’s recent early. universities are “heading for comments on tertiary education, If just 1% of students did so, very tough times” regardless of Willetts made clear his intention to claimed Willetts, it would bring students. the results of the coming general minimise government interference £300 million of “extra cash” into the christopher stanton Sir Martin was ordered to draw election, speaking at St John’s in higher education institutions, system; enough to support 10,000 up his recommendations by Lord College this Monday. stating that the “freedom and additional places at universities in The Sutton Trust, a prominent educa- Mandelson, the First Secretary of At a talk organized by CUCA and autonomy to pursue lines of inquiry, 2010. tional charity, has alleged that the State. They are expected to be used the local Conservatives, Willetts however inconvenient they are for middle classes and elite schools are as part of his “aspiration” agenda, cited the actions of the last govern- the government,” is “crucial”. “tightening their grip” on top British which will play a key role in Labour’s ment as the cause of the situation, Regarding the pending higher universities, despite government election strategy. blaming his gloomy prediction on education funding review, he was policy. This has raised fears amongst the “mess Labour has made of public firm: “Fees would have to stay,” In its submission to Sir Martin educators that the review has been finances”. he said, and added that even the Harris, the former vice-chancellor politicised, and will be used to force a The Shadow Secretary of State Liberal Democrats have “stopped of Manchester University, who is potentially unpopular “quota” system for Universities and Skills spoke for pretending that you could afford to producing guidelines on how univer- on universities. The recommenda- fifty minutes about his “vision for get rid of that.” sities should increase the number tions made in the Sutton Trust’s higher education under the Conser- However, he denied the possibil- of students from state schools and report are expected to intensify this vatives”, fielding questions from the ity that the government could grant poorer backgrounds, the Trust alleged debate. audience for the final half hour. financial aid to students if fees were that there were “stark inequalities” Early reactions from some promi- He highlighted a “catastrophic to increase saying “the govern- between educational institutions. nent figures in higher education have failure” of careers advice in recent ment cannot afford to lend students The report claimed that the not been positive. Many have taken years, and added that students the extra money. It’s a model that inequalities were responsible for the issue with the idea that university are “just not getting the careers requires more exchequer cash up disproportionate share of places at admissions should be based on factors advice and guidance they need”. front, and we don’t have it.” elite universities claimed by students other than academic merit. He called for “transparency and But Willetts also used the speech from a few top schools. John Morgan, President of the better information,” particularly to put forward Tory proposals on The Trust stated that in 2007, just Association of School and College regarding which A-level courses higher education funding. Under David Willetts MP 200 leading schools won nearly 38 per Leaders, and Headteacher of Conyers cent of the places in 13 of the UK’s Comprehensive in Stockton-on-Tees, leading universities, a figure that had said: “I don’t think any of us are hardly changed since 2002. At Oxford happy with the idea that if you go King’s College Easter Service to be and Cambridge, this figure rose to to a particular school you are given 44.4 per cent. modified points or a lower offer. It has Between 2007 and 2002, the propor- to be about the individual.” televised by BBC tion of independent school pupils Tim Hands, Master of Magdalen admitted by those 13 universities, College School, Oxford, who chairs for example, rose from 32 per cent the joint universities’ committee of Decision follows criticism of BBC’s religious content to 33 per cent, whilst those from two independent school groups — the the poorest socio-economic groups HMC and the Girls’ Schools Associa- of documentaries, including ‘Are various pieces by renowned stayed at 16 per cent. tion — said: “With funding cuts and osama siddiqui Christians Being Persecuted?’ composer James MacMillan. Controversially, the report the emphasis on strategic subjects The documentary will examine BBC has not yet announced an air concluded by recommending that such as science and engineering, The BBC is planning to air a special recent legal challenges faced by date for its televised broadcast. The “there should be a modest expansion of which we are the key providers, broadcast of Easter services from Christians. event will not be a live broadcast, of places at selective universities for this situation will only become more King’s College Chapel, marking the Stephen Cleobury, Director of and was already filmed in December. non-privileged students who have pronounced.” first time the service will be broad- Music at King’s College, told Varsity According to Cameron Foote, one of participated on access and admissions He added, “What is required is cast on television. that he welcomed BBC’s decision the choristers who took part in the schemes.” honest attention to problems in our Easter at King’s services have to televise the service posthaste. filming, “it was a pleasure to partici- Other recommendations made by education system which have been typically been broadcast on BBC “We were very pleased to be asked pate in the Easter broadcast.” the report include offering lower government-induced, not ineffectual Radio. The decision to air a televised to record music for Holy Week and He added, “The musical repertoire interestVarsity rates ad 100x100for lower 05 income/1/10 09social:55 engineering.”Page 1 broadcast appears to have come in Easter for BBC television. It will chosen for the occasion was particu- response to recent criticism that provide a great opportunity to bring larly beautiful and well-blended with BBC’s religious programming has some of the wonderful music for this the liturgy.” been lacking. season to a wider audience.” BBC Radio 3 will be carrying a In the Church of England’s General Easter at King’s is currently in live broadcast during Holy Week of Synod this week, a motion was passed its fifth year, and has grown into a piece composed by Macmillan and expressing “deep concern about the a popular series of concerts and sung by King’s College Choir. overall reduction in religious broad- services from the College Chapel. The King’s Choir already casting across British television in This year’s programme includes commands a dedicated following recent years”. such perennial favourites as a on television. Carols from King’s is Looking for work The BBC has defended its religious performance of Bach’s St Matthew broadcast annually on Christmas content. In a press release, Aaqil Passion. Eve on BBC2 and is watched by over this summer? Ahmed, BBC’s Head of Religion and The programme also features two million people. Ethics said, “Christian program- University of Cambridge International ming is the cornerstone of our output on television, radio and online, and Summer Schools can offer 4 - 7 weeks I am very pleased to announce our eclectic array of programming to work for senior Cambridge mark Easter this year, which I am undergraduate and graduate students. sure viewers will find both thought- provoking and enjoyable.” £250 per week plus college The televised broadcast of Easter accommodation. at King’s seems to be the highlight of what promises to be a diverse slate of programming on BBC to commemo- For details call network: 60850 rate Easter this year. or 01223 760850 In addition to broadcasts of live worship and sacred music, the BBC or email: [email protected] is also planning to air a number The choir of King’s College Comment Ed tor Charlo e Runc e Friday February 12th 2010 9 comment@varsty co uk www varsty co uk COENT

“My novels are like fish pie: comforting nourishment that slips down easily.” Comment SARAH DUNCAN Can’t buy me love?

If your other half s demand ng ewellery and m n -breaks th s gestures are actually quite threat- CHARLOTTE RUNCIE ening, particularly when they’re Valent ne’s Day, beware Don’t let them turn you nto a peacock coupled with a marriage proposal; the implication is that if this person ast week I got an email from iPod shuffl e.” Come on, Apple. You masters of the overblown roman- or expensive is much more of a has spent so much money and time Apple. This is not unusual: can do better than this. That email tic gesture. In discussions about refl ection on the arrogance of the on proving their love to you, then Lpretty much everything I has no artistry; it’s just a primal, Valentine’s with my friends, stories gesturer than on the power of you owe them something in return. own has been sold to me by the Mac capitalist cry of “there’s an event involving James Blunt have come their love. It’s just showing off: a And what could you possibly give? corporation, and they like to send approaching! Buy our products!” up so many times that it would multicoloured peacock tail for the If you retaliate with an even bigger me appreciative little notes from But what should you get someone seem odd not to include him in the romantic gesture, then you’ll be time to time in return. Well, appre- for Valentine’s Day? I’m a sucker list of helpless celebrity romantics. trading expensive surprises for the ciative notes and hard sells. This for greetings card holidays and His conquests have achieved near- “Romantic rest of your relationship. Which particular email was an example sentimentality, but I can’t be alone mythical status. Apparently he probably won’t be long. of the latter: “Sounds like love,” it in thinking that an overpriced MP3 once showered his girlfriend’s house gestures are Usually, I think that trying whispered, seductively. “Give iPod player is not the most appropri- with thousands of roses dropped hard is one of the greatest human this Valentine’s Day.” ate of gifts. Whilst the glare from from a helicopter overhead, fi lled actually quite virtues. I respect, for instance, an I raised an eyebrow at my inbox. the screen might temporarily a bath with champagne to surprise intricate fancy dress costume and Have you ever received an iPod as blind your beloved and give you her, and if that wasn’t enough, threatening.” a well-decorated birthday cake. a Valentine’s Day gift? I haven’t, an opportunity to move in for the he was also responsible for the A big romantic gesture should be and it’s not because nobody loves kiss, it’s hard to think of any other cringe-a-long charm extravaganza metrosexual, with Valentine’s Day right up my street. But when I me. I know this because my mum meaningful upside to exchanging ‘You’re Beautiful’, written about a as the epicentre of the modern imagine what it would be like if sends me a card every year. No, computer hardware real person. Googling mating ritual. If somebody fl ew somebody actually bought me a iPods haven’t formed a major part as a symbol of love. has failed to confi rm a helicopter over my house and necklace worth millions or took me of my V-Day celebrations because What does it say? or deny the truth dropped thousands of roses from on a surprise trip to Rome, I come an iPod just isn’t a romantic gift. “Darling, you make of those fi rst two it, my fi rst instinct would be terror. over all English: embarrassed and And in its sleek, metallic heart my heart feel like it’s rumours, but Blunt’s My second would be to call the cross. A nice phone call or a letter is of hearts, Apple knows this too, on shuffl e”? Hmm. song has undeniably police. It’s the sort of thing you much less awkward than a gesture because that email also included But if we can’t transformed romantic might expect to fi nd in a Shake- that has taken months of planning some desperate suggestions for ask multinational gestures the world spearean sonnet if you’d never and huge expense. And even a rose increasing the romantic impact of corporations for over. It’s the essen- actually read one, or the kind of or a box of chocolates is just a crude your electronic gift. “Fill an iPod our romantic cues tial soundtrack to a experience you might assume caricature of emotion, rather than a Touch with love songs! It’ll be love and gift ideas, then declaration of love. makes a relationship if you’d never deep symbol of affection. So please, at fi rst Touch,” it gushed, and then, to whom can we Thanks, James. progressed further than pulling in keep it simple this Valentine’s more boldly, “Love comes in all turn? Surely, as in In general, Cindies. The romantic gesture is a Day, and remind your chosen one sizes. Let them shoot a love story all things, we must I’m suspicious of fantasy that becomes ridiculous and that love can’t be summarised in a using iPod nano, or give them a look to celebrities. romantic gestures. unsavoury as soon as you start to trinket or a ‘Ta-da!’ And defi nitely little love to take everywhere with After all, they are the Anything dramatic think about it properly. Dramatic not in an iPod. Through cutbacks to the stars NASA s r ght to fly us beyond the moon make. With a shattered economy, back. The enormous revenue from history that exploration and innova- other – for the fi rst time in history JOHN WALLIS major problems in public services NASA’s huge array of patents tion in all its forms have always – as a united race, inhabiting one as fundamental as education or goes straight back to the Govern- been major catalysts for progress planet among millions. The unprec- healthcare, and a defi cit mounting ment, not the Space Agency. Then and advancement of civilisation. edented extent of international bama’s recent decision to into the trillions, what are we doing there’s the considerable boost to When this comes to something as co-operation in space in the last 20 cancel manned missions sending billions of dollars quite the economy that comes fi rstly mind-blowing as space, the effect years (especially the groundbreak- Oto the moon has reopened literally out of the stratosphere? from new technologies (ever is multiplied infi nitely. It is ing International Space Station) is the perennial “is space explora- Since 1969, advances in the grand used SatNav? Sky TV?) and hard for we who were a testimony to that. We need not tion worthwhile?” debate. But the conquest of ‘the fi nal frontier’ have secondly from providing not alive to realise even consider potential discoveries event was widely misreported: been negligible, at least in terms of jobs to thousands of the full extent of the as important as extra-terrestrial Obama cancelled the moon missions media attention and foreign policy people in the science 1969 moon landing’s life, usable resource supplies, or but increased NASA spending in objectives. and technology sector. impact on the world’s a means of survival if anything other areas, including the devel- The fact that arguments against Even if we did resent imagination. disastrous happens to the Earth opment of refuelling and robotic NASA funding focus almost exclu- any spending at all on Space exploration to see the importance of space technologies that will increase sively on economics mean that they NASA, we can at least inspired and inspires exploration. possibilities of missions deeper into are easy to knock down. Space put things in perspec- generations of children I applaud Obama’s overall space. It’s Valentine’s Day soon, so exploration as a drain on resources tive: in 2007, NASA’s total to enter vital spheres recognition of space technol- it’s right that we take a moment to is one of the most widely held spending was $7bn. This is of academia and the work ogy’s incalculable importance. consider how much we really care false beliefs in politics. The reality peanuts in the context of the US’s force: spheres that cure diseases, So this Valentine’s Day, as you about that big romantic moon. is that, far from being a burden, $13 trillion economy; the Iraq war preserve the environment, and and your lover gaze hand in hand Space exploration has long been a NASA’s activities are a massive costs more per year. pull humanity ever forwards into a moonwards, think of the creative, focus for conservative critics of ‘big economic boon for the US economy. But arguments in favour of more exciting future. Socially, space progressive and inquisitive spirit of government’ spending in America. For every $1 that is spent on space exploration go far beyond exploration is hugely instrumental humanity, and all that it has done Their argument is an easy one to space, the US treasury makes $8 tangible economics. We know from in allowing humans to think of each for the species. 10 Friday February 12th 2010 Comment Editor: Charlotte Runcie CoMMEnt AnD EDitoRiAl www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

olly watson

Established in 1947 Issue No 713 Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, Cambridge, CB2 3RF Telephone: 01223 337575 Fax: 01223 760949 Twilight Zone The new Research and Training Centre in Children’s Literature down at Homerton and the Faculty of Education is promising to create “a favourable scholarly community” based around the impressive-sounding study of the impact of “cultural materials on the ideological development of children”. An ambitious ideal indeed, which means that you could finally live out your dreams of gaining a degree by, in some cases, watching Disney films and playing video games. However, why don’t we take it a step further and make Children’s Literature a full-blown degree? Whilst your friends are fretting about quantum physics and vector calculus, you could be racking your brains about parent/child relations in Spot the Dog or the semiotics of Dr. Seuss. The course could include lectures on a post-structuralist breakdown of Twilight and a gender studies seminar series on The Famous Five. Or perhaps you’d like to take up approaches to the representation of violence in Crash Bandicoot pointing out then, that the Israel seem quite smug that they’ve got and Marxist readings of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe? Letters to the Society were the ones who actually their little ‘no boys allowed’ club, Whatever the outcome of Homerton and the Education Faculty’s Editor invited Morris, and had no problem expressing what seems to verge on venture, it looks as though Harry Potter may be on Cambridge hosting an anti-Arab racist until glee in telling me that I can’t come. reading lists a few years earlier than expected. So, get to the UL objections were voiced. Well, I haven’t met such immature and reserve your copy of Rupert the Bear now, before it’s too late. Ben White exclusion since primary school; Churchill alumnus it’s as if they think they’ll get boy Benny Morris gets it wrong: germs. I ought to start a campaign Yes we said yes we will yes no-one called for him to be banned. It’s always a shame when prejudice really. Maybe I will. If I should like Hosting someone on campus who rears its ugly head so close to home. to see girls at my College naked The results of both of this week’s CUSU referenda are highly espouses such vile opinions will Especially when home is King’s, then I should be perfectly at liberty encouraging. The most exciting thing by far, however, is not the which I like to believe has a reputa- to do so. passing of either motion itself, but the record turnout with which tion for tolerance. I certainly think Angus MacDonald these motions were passed. For the first time in the memory of most that with the incipient threat of the King’s students here, over 2,000 votes were cast in the NUS affiliation BNP and even Cambridge’s recent referendum. And although the number of students voting is still outbreaks of homophobia we can’t I just read Varsity’s cover story a vast minority – 17.5 per cent of the over 20,000 students eligible naturally invite an expression of afford to let our guard down. My regarding Benny Morris having to cast an online ballot – it is still a good sign, and a tribute to the opposition. That Morris rather own keen sense of injustice was set his talk cancelled under a charge activism of the campaigns on both sides of the referenda, that the tellingly feels the need to blame off recently to such an extent that of “Islamophobia”. This ludicrous numbers are up this year. “Muslim-Arab pressures” is a I couldn’t think of anything to do neologism is long overdue for criti- We are convinced that continued NUS affiliation is a positive mispresentation of a small, princi- other than write a very stiff letter. cal dissection and destruction. All pled protest by students and staff religions make huge unsupported thing. Membership of the NUS links us to a wider body of student In my experience, prejudice like of diverse backgrounds. Further- this should be met with exposure. claims for themselves, and Islam involvement on the national scene, and could even allow the most more, Rob Mindell’s claim that the It all began when one particular more than most. That’s their right, resourceful among us to participate actively in the continual Israel Society showed “an unprec- artist decided to create a ‘girls but they cannot then demand that formation a body which – if the ‘NO’ campaigners are to be believed edented amount of compassion and only’ life drawing class in which the they be free from criticism. – still needs quite a bit of reform. And there is no question that the consideration” in cancelling the artists would take it in turns Hugo Schmidt newly-passed welfare measures will be a boon to the entire student talk sounds like damage limita- to be models. Well, never have I Department of Biochemistry population. As our mental health investigation in the first issue tion. Mindell says there have been come across more blatant sexism in of term showed, there is a pressing need for cosntructive welfare “countless” ‘anti-Jewish’ talks in my life! It’s just like primary school workers in Cambridge; we hope that this week’s welfare referendum the past year – though fails to give all over again! I find it hard to has helped to draw attention to the resources available to students one example – and thus suggests believe that in such an age of Email [email protected] for the now, and those which will be made available, thanks to student that it is the Israel Society that has equality, I should be banned from chance to win a bottle from the support, in the future. “now” ushered in an “atmosphere watching naked women if I want Cambridge Wine Merchants. Letters of cooperation”. It might be worth to. What’s more, all the girls may be edited.

Overrated achieved is a heavily deregulated son of Venus and Mercury. His role the forest. relations, and his favourite medium polytheism. Democracy, Stephen in the fiasco of Troy has never been The poet Lady Mary Wroth is music. He knows how easy it is Fry, Youth, Charles Darwin, fully explained, but his disreputa- claimed to have met Cupid among to get people to treat him as a god, Week 5: Cupid Diversity, Mammon, the Free ble part in the Dido-Aeneas scandal woodland scenery in the early and that musicians, sharing his Market, Thom Yorke, Bacchus, is well known. One might conclude seventeenth century – a rare and egotism, will help his campaign. the Subconscious and a chastened from those incidents that Cupid comparatively recent sighting. We The Beatles claimed that Cupid Barack Obama wander around the inherited his mother’s impulsive- know from Wroth’s account that by was all you need. Joy Division modern Mount Olympus in great ness and his father’s alarming lust this stage of his life a bedraggled announced that Cupid would tear confusion. This week, inevitably, for power. Like both his parents, he Cupid had taken to wandering them apart. Imagine how much our thoughts turn to Cupid, one of became something of a cult figure. around underdressed and in tears, less impressively tragic “Irritation the oldest members of the group. The cult survives. It has been bumping into trees thanks to his will tear us apart” or “Selfishness The early details of his biogra- pointed out that when a man says, blindness. And we would do well to will tear us apart” would have phy do not inspire confidence. The “I did it because I was in love,” he remember how pathetic Cupid can sounded. What both bands forgot Greeks alleged that Cupid (whom has quite a different tone to if he be. He is the boy who never grew is that Cupid, for all his charms, they called Eros) had emerged had said, “I did it because I was up or got past the excitement of cannot fend for himself. Somebody fully-formed out of the Chaos afraid” or “I did it because I was bows and arrows. As long as Cupid has to change his nappy. Cupid may t is commonly and compla- which originally swirled before angry”. Being caught between the has our sympathy and our respect, have supernatural power, but if he cently said that we live in a everything that is, but the harder- eyes by one of Cupid’s arrows is he is relatively harmless. It is when refuses to submit to a higher one, Isecular society. Our society headed historians have recognised spoken of as if it were an achieve- we make him into a god that his the smell will get worse and worse has never attempted such an that this story is a myth. He was in ment to be proud of, rather than a arrows become poisonous. and it will be harder and harder to experiment. What we have really fact born several centuries BC, the normal result of taking a stroll in But Cupid is a master of public look him in the eye. tash dennich Comment Editor: Charlotte Runcie Friday February 12th 2010 11 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk CoMMEnt

thE valEntinE ESSaY In praise of romantic fiction Hot-Sci

’m going to a friend’s house michael lovett for dinner next Saturday, and Ishe’s just sent me an email to check she’s remembered correctly that I don’t like mushrooms. I don’t. I don’t like blue cheese either. Or red wine – the very thought of it makes my mouth pucker with the remembered taste. I don’t feel ashamed about these likes and dislikes. I have no guilt The smell of love that I prefer a chilled Pinot Grigio to a gutsy Merlot. It’s just my ‘I don’t know the question, but taste. My personal quirks are part sex is definitely the answer,’ of what make me myself and I see Woody Allen famously said. no reason to apologise for them. The fact that there is a huge So why is reading different? and booming industry revolving There can be no doubt that there entirely around sex, or, more is an underlying feeling that specifically, how to increase your what you read is not simply a likelihood of having more of it, matter of taste, as if you might testifies that we as a society judge someone’s intelligence or are... well, slightly sex-obsessed. moral probity by their choice of There is a huge perfume reading material. As a novelist Contemporary women’s fiction deserves our respect, industry that claims to manufac- I’m sometimes told by a reader ture “powerful aphrodisiac” how much they enjoyed one of my writes Sarah Duncan. It’s the biggest-selling genre in scents laced with pheromones books, before slipping in a guilty that guarantee “more dates, let out clause that they “don’t the UK – and it’s delicious with a glass of wine more sex, more fun”. The usually read that sort of thing.” implication is that adding a Yes. I write “that sort of thing.” specific chemical or chemicals to I write contemporary women’s not what they’re designed to do, the author. At that first meeting for Fiction, which is only open to a perfume or cologne that you although I have to admit I hope I met an economic adviser to women writers, have been well spray onto your skin will result my readers enjoy learning a bit the World Bank, a consultant rehearsed and still stand, fifteen in an avalanche of interest from “My novels, and about a range of subjects such radiologist and a member of the years after the award was set up. the opposite sex. as eighteenth-century symbolic Civil Service selection board, all The feminist in me is appalled, The idea to sell this perfume others like them, landscape gardens, Shakespearean of whom wrote romantic novels but the writer… well, this writer came from the general assump- cue-scripts or the properties of for Mills & Boon as the antidote tion that pheromones are aren’t going to Roman concrete, all of which have to their high-powered careers. somehow involved in the pulling formed the backgrounds to my I myself run an academic career “Women’s fiction process, but this assumption is stretch your brain novels. alongside my novel writing, teach- reinforced by no peer-reviewed – but why should You could say they’re the equiv- ing at Bristol University and The is singled out research whatsoever. In 2002, a alent of fish pie: comforting to eat University of Oxford. research group at San Francisco they?” at the end of a tiring day, neither Maybe it’s a hangover from the for particular State University published a empty calories nor exquisite haute Protestant work ethic that means paper called ‘Pheromonal influ- cuisine, but good, solid nourish- reading cannot be viewed simply disdain, hardly ences on sociosexual behavior ment that slips down easily. as entertainment, but has to be mentioned in the in young women’, which suppos- fiction. It’s a wide field, and could Perhaps that’s part of the educational or improving in some edly concluded that pheromones include Anne Tyler or Carol problem. We confuse the ease of way. The more difficult it is, the review pages.” had an effect on the sexual Shields. It could also include reading with the ease of writing more educational or improving it lives of the women involved straightforward romances, such as and therefore value the novel less, must be. Weetabix without sugar when their experiences were those published by Mills and Boon, but it takes skill and hard work comes to mind. compared with a placebo group. or what’s variously known in the to write something that reads All genre writing comes in shrugs her shoulders. To be The fact that so many incon- business as chick-lit, hen-lit, saga, effortlessly. for a similar range of sneery honest, I prefer to read books sistencies were involved – the rom-com or relationship novels. When I went to my first meeting comments, but women’s fiction about subjects that appeal to me, number of placebo and phero- I like to place my books vaguely of the Romantic Novelists Associa- seems singled out for particular and because I’m interested in mone subjects, plus the height, in the relationship category and tion I was surprised by the authors disdain, hardly mentioned on the relationships and how people work physical appearance, sexual hope they’re well written, but the I met. It became clear that the review pages despite being the together in situations that reflect habits, sexual history, ethnicity absolute certainty is that I am single largest selling genre in my own experience, I tend to of the subjects, and even the writing commercial fiction, not both the UK and the USA. Crime read books by women with female small sample size, a mere 36 – literary. I write to entertain. I “We confuse the fiction, the next biggest genre, characters placed centre stage. means that this research has not write popular fiction, and I don’t has achieved respectability and That’s not to say I can’t, won’t or been labelled conclusive. So far, think writing unpopular fiction ease of reading gets review coverage that reflects don’t read books by men or women similar papers are inconclusive would be in any way better for me, this. Historical fiction, long in the about other subjects, or books that for similar reasons. or you, for that matter. with the ease literary doldrums, has suddenly challenge or stretch me. Of course Some scientifically credible I write - I hope - the sort of book shot ahead with the majority of the I do. But when I want to read for work investigating mice at you can pick up after a hard day’s of writing and 2009 Booker Prize short list being relaxation or sheer entertainment, Harvard University in 2002, and work and be transported to a place therefore value classed as historical fiction. I prefer women’s fiction. flies at the University of Toronto that’s fun to be in. For a short time Yet still women’s fiction There’s no guilt or shame in 2009, has shown that knocking you can forget about the essay that the novel less, languishes, propping up the attached to that choice. Choosing out either the ability to detect needs writing, the bad supervision, publishing industry yet ignored by fish pie at home tonight doesn’t pheromones or the ability to your overdraft and student loan, but it takes hard the media and a guilty secret for mean I won’t appreciate a gourmet produce them actually encour- and instead become part of a world many readers. Could there be a meal at a five star restaurant ages sexual attraction from the where characters may struggle work to write clue in the title? tomorrow. It’s about preference, same sex. In other words, phero- and make bad choices but it will Pick up any broadsheet and about personal taste. mones were shown to repulse all come good in the end. Some of something that count the number of male review- So, pass me that glass of Pinot animals of the same sex, rather my novels are more romantic than reads effortlessly.” ers and male authors whose books Grigio, and happy reading. than attracting animals of the others but they’ve all got happy are reviewed, then compare that opposite sex. But, in short, there endings, whether that comes with with the number of female review- is no evidence that pheromone Sarah Duncan’s novel, A Single a kiss or not. ers and female authors if you don’t to Rome, has been longlisted for perfume will help you get laid My novels, and others like them, believe that sexism is rife in the Romantic Novel of the Year. For more this Valentine’s Day. aren’t going to stretch your brain more light - and, dare I say, fluffy worlds of literature and media. The information on her work, visit SITA DINANAUTH – but why should they? That’s - a book was, the more formidable arguments for the Orange Prize www.sarahduncan.co.uk The Varsity Trust Take your passion for journalism further...

A major scholarship and/or bursary may be awarded to students graduating from the University of Cambridge or Anglia Ruskin University who are about to undertake an approved course in journalism in the coming academic year.

For further details on the Trust and to check eligibility, visit www.varsitytrust.org.uk, or email [email protected] for an information pack.

Deadline for Applications: April 26th 2010

The Varsity Trust offers funding to students planning to undertake journalism courses in 2010-2011. Registered Charity No. 1012847 lyrics xviii jesus lane, the shop 8pm, friday 12th february 2010

he mays xviii presents mayslyrics, a new literary/acoustic experiment: writers read their work, then Tmusicians reinterpret those words into songs created especially for the project. A week and a half before the date of the event, composers were handed an anonymous piece of writing. Mission: transform this into music.

Come and watch the results, and the writers’ own readings, whilst reclining on a cushion and drinking tea. Bring rugs! Bring cushions! Bring your friends! Bring your ears! Whatever you do, just don’t miss this exciting night – tonight at The Shop.

Musicians: Zygmunt Day, Ellie Kendrick, Guy Kiddey, Aki Laakso, Peter Leggatt, Edie Lobo, Andrew MacFarlane, Sophie Sawicka & John Wallis

Writers: James Coghill, Donald Futers, Ellie Kendrick, Matt Lewandowski, Amber Medland, Decca Muldowney, Harriet Moore, Jen Rouse, Kevin Sexton & Colin McSwiggen the mays http://mays.varsity.co.uk FRIDAY FEBRUARY 12TH 2010

The Varsity Magazine FEATURES, ARTS, FASHION & REVIE S

Will 2K SHAKESPEARE AS YOU’VE NEVER SEEN HIM BEFORE

Plus Victoria Beale p14, Fashion p16-17 and Arts Comment p22 14 Friday February 12th 2010 Magaz ne Ed tor Paul Sm th MAGAZINE www varsty co uk magazne@varsty co uk Victoria Beale: Self-Help Wee 5 The Seven H bts of Hhl E ectve People he kind of person forward- train wrecks of lives – boozed, the better part of three decades thinking enough to buy a sluttifi ed, dizzy existences where toying with the affections of Oscar Tbook telling them how to their greatest work was incidental winners, senators and, latterly, a organise their life successfully to their larger business of royally construction worker. Your husband will probably already be doing a fucking up. dies? Elizabeth says don’t waste time pretty good job. This is the reason Relationships are an excellent mourning, put on a low cut frock and why mother owns all the self-help example of when I know it makes marry his best friend. Don’t choose books whose titles I use for my sense to follow the plodding wisdom Prince Charming, you end up like columns. Every turn of the page is of Stephen Covey, author of The Grace Kelly. Instead, marry every KATHERINE SPENCE for her another affi rmation; “But I Seven Habits of Highly Effec- time there’s a pause in conversation already rise at fi ve thirty to greet tive People, but I’d rather think and you’ll live to be a hundred years the dawn”; “Well, I’ve never eaten WWETD (what would Elizabeth old, a distinguished prune dripping anything other than brown rice and Taylor do?). So Covey’s advice in a with rubies, telling jokes that make kelp”; “I think you’ll fi nd psychia- vicious argument would be “Seek your grandkids faint. her fl oor for nine months, occasion- in. Once I’ve made my mark on the try counts as sending you to an First to Understand, Then to be I feel much the same about the ally going out in my PJs to forage Manhattan art scene I’ll move back after school activity.” The trouble Understood” (Habit 5). Liz Taylor’s world of work. What’s the point of for drugs and Twinkies, which I to London, staying in a commune with all of these books is that they approach would be less about signing up to pen pushing for the understand to be the American to write my memoirs. I’ll publish to presume a shared vision of the ideal empathy and more about calmly Man, or trying to (He won’t return College Experience. Then I’ll travel great acclaim and live out the rest human; their apex of perfection is raising a bottle of gin above her my calls) when you could be a profes- to New York on a Greyhound Bus, of my ethanol-y days in a stately someone repeating their mantra head, pitching it to smash millime- sional drop out. One of my friends blasting Simon & Garfunkel out of home, swimming in the fountain and as they scrub down with grit and tres from her lover’s skull, before has won a place to study at Berkeley my headphones, to fi nd work as a campaigning to bring back the fax run through the fens. A person walking out of the room, diamonds in California next academic year. performance artist. I’ll fashion a hut machine. Why be ‘Effective’ when who tends bonsai trees, collects tinkling, purring “fi x me a drink, Has her story inspired me to gradu- from marshmallows and hypoder- you can live the dream. inspirational fridge magnets and darling.” Why get married once to ate learning, to follow my dreams, mic needles and move it into the tells you they cherish you. But the someone you might have a reason- to marry someone for a green card? Metropolitan Museum, titling it My ‘Self-Help’ and ‘Ze tge st Tape’ people I admire the most all have able shot with, when you can spend Well, no, I’m just going to sleep on Nest and wait for the plaudits to roll arch ves onl ne now

VAMPIRE WEEKEND Frst a ached Ether way, somebody’s SARAH PALIN Returned to speak at SOFT DRINKS ALASTAIR CAMPBELL Cred on the ndependently-managed band to gonna get lad the Tea Party conventon, New study out shows that drnkng Andrew Marr showwhle defendng top the Bllboard charts Played complete wth Cl Notes two or more a week carres 87% Blar Gve ths man an Oscar trumphant show n ANDRE LEON TALLEY on her palm At least she ncreased rsk of developng cancer

Cambrdge (see Revews) The Aretha Frankln of fat spelled everythng rght Drnk beer nstead DOUBLE NOT We’re n love male Vogue fashonstas PARKING BIKES wll be the next guest SHORT HAILSTORM MY WAY At least half a dozen karaoke In a rush for HOT VALENTINE’S DAY udge on realty show Lasted for about ffteen warblers n the Phlppnes have been lectures No You’re ether Amerca’s Next Top mnutes on Tuesday We klled n fghts over the past decade other spots Don’t desperate Model Tme to want our freak weather to after sngng the Snatra classc All do t, people of and sngle or sashay last for at least twenty together now Cambrdge

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Wh ch words do you most overuse M rvellous.

If you weren’t n Cambr dge, where would you l ke to be South Afric . Week 5 All the Sngle Lads

What s Cambr dge to you Just town. Fever R - ‘If I Hd A Hert’ Valentine’s Day. Horrible, horrible day. Last year you promised your- What’s hot self you’d have a girlfriend by now. Cursing Cupid, you go back to bed. Now that Columbia Pictures S us es. have scrapped plans for Spider- man 4 and ditched the cast and Hddw - ‘Wht Is Love’ You weren’t always so cynical. RAG Blind Date went well: your part- director of the fi rst trilogy, What’s not there’s a new gap in the market. Rude People. ner said she’d see you again, before she dropped out to join the circus. Step forward, Wes Anderson. What s your gu lt est The Sm ths - ‘Heven nows I’m M serble Now’ pleasure Walking through King’s has never been so nauseating. Couples every- Smoin. where. Holding hands. Smiling. Cuddling. Kissing. Walking dogs. Vom. Overheard Tell us a secret about yourself Bon Iver - ‘Flume’ Then it wouldn’t be secret. Back at College you check your pigeon hole. A Card? For you?! Oh, that hand- writing’s your mother’s. She always does that. “I’ve got your drugs. What do you dream of But I have to go to Sam I don’t ener ll dre m lot. Jo D v s on - ‘Love W ll Ter Us Aprt’ Registering for russianbrides.com to the rhythmic accompaniment of Smiley’s first.” And f nally, dogs or cats your neighbours banging next door, by 14th February 2011 you WILL (12pm, on the phone, S dgw ck S te) C ts. be engaged. DEFINITELY. Features Ed tor Joe P  -Rash d Friday February 12th 2010 15 features@varsty co uk www varsty co uk FEATURES Dream Date or Big Hate?

“Roses are red Tomatoes are too PAUL SMITH I’ll bribe you £10 For a Cambridge Blue”

And so was the story of another successful RAG Blind Date. On Tuesday evening hundreds of undergrads flocked to the bars, restaurants and NameName Name clubs of Cambridge, Name M x Smithwic Ch rlie Chloe seeking romance, Name ilmour (ueen of) Izzi S vill College M d lene College Swords life-long companionship College irton College or simply a story Fitzwilli m Subect and Year Histor, second e r Subect and Year Fitzwilli m to tell. All for Subect and Year Histor, first e r Subect and Year Cl ssics, second e r F rst Impress ons Albino (but one of the pre  F rst Impress ons Medicine, third e r charity, of course. F rst Impress ons Be utiful, lie porcel in F rst Impress ons Varsity crashed the Be er th n everone else’s. ones). What d d you talk about doll. Fin ll. festivites to discover a lot What d d you talk about What d d you talk about What d d you talk about Emb rr ssin stories. Not sure. It w s so in ne I c n’t remember. F te, destin, curses, evil Acid nd psies. of love in this town. An wwrd moments spies, LSD. Any awkward moments Fllng n these forms Awkward moments Fillin this form in. Any awkward moments When he s id ps Fancy a second date When I told her ps predicted he’d meet me. I’m sure I’ll see him round. Fancy a second date You’d h ve to s her fortune teller cursed me. Fancy a second date M rs out of 10: bofriend. Fancy a second date Wh not? 11 Yes. M rs out of 10 M rs out of 10: M rs out of 10: 8 10 8

Name Name C th J mes Cr if Name Name Bueer College Neer j J mes emp College St C th rine’s P tel Collee in’s Subect and Year Collee Robinson Subect and Year N tSci, third e r Fitzwilli m Subect and Year Enlish, second e r F rst Impress ons Subect and Year L w, second e r F rst Impress ons F r more norm l th n her Economics, fourth e r F rst Impress ons A ood-humoured, jovi l fellow. F ceboo profile suested. F rst Impress ons re t to t l to – lots in common. What d d you talk about What d d you talk about re t. What d d you talk about Politics, food, f milies, studin. A Troubled childhoods, politics, What d d you talk about ore n pop music nd ul people wide r ne of topics. curries. ore n pop. t the b r. Any awkward moments Any awkward moments Any awkward moments Any awkward moments Not re ll. No. Maybe at the bar Surprsngly not Fnc  second dte Fancy a second date Fancy a second date Fancy a second date Sure. As friend. Sure. Ye h! Mrs out of 10: Mrs out of 10: M rs out of 10 M rs out of 10 7 8 (She w s ver interestin!) 7 7 16 Friday February 12th 2010 Fash on Ed tors Mat lda Bathurst, Argyro N colaou and Charlo e Wu FASION www varsty co uk fashon@varsty co uk Nna wears acket from Ress, leotard and sequn shorts from Topshop, tghts from M&S, shoes from Prada Wll wears eans from Urban Outfers, wastcoat from Brck Lane market Photographer Zng Tseng Assstant Mchael Derrnger Illustraton Argyro Ncolaou Fashon Edtors Matlda Bathurst, Argyro Ncolaou and Charlo e Wu Friday February 12th 2010 17 fashon@varsty co uk www varsty co uk FAS ION

ENGLISH Charle wears acket from etsy com, necklace from Ta y Devne, scarf model’s own, eans from All Sants, boots from Angel’s Costumers Rose wears great coat from Angel’s Costumers, shrt from YSL, leggngs from H&M, earrng from Urban Outf ers, boots from All Sants All from ers, boots Outf Urban H&M, earrng from from YSL, leggngs shrt from Costumers, Angel’s from coat great wears Rose Costumers Angel’s from boots Sants, All eans from own, y Devne, scarf model’s Ta necklace from etsy com, from acket Charle wears 18 Friday February 12th 2010 Features Ed tor Joe P  -Rash d FEATURES wwwvars tycouk features@vars tycouk The fastest painter in the West B rm ngham’s Ian Cook has brought an art st c edge to the world of motorsport He talks to Ma hew Sym ngton about pa nt ng w th tyres and how brushes are overrated

or GCSE Art & Design I once had to I met Ian he was painting cars at the Rally paint a canvas full of things represent- Great Britain in Cardiff; within a week he was Fing rock and roll. To add life to the in Abu Dhabi for the city’s fi rst Grand Prix. piece I managed to glue a vinyl and some When asked why the sport has been so drumsticks to the page, fi rm in the belief forthcoming with commissions: “Mostly I that this exhibition of devil-may-care insur- think people like watching the paintings rectionism would turn the art establishment being made. It’s like a kind of street art on its head. This might help to indicate why where you see the image being produced when I heard about an artist who made his before you; I guess it’s essentially a living by driving toy cars across a canvas I performance!” was more surprised than most. Ian’s greatest performance came last Presumably at GCSE level Ian Cook was October when he was commissioned by expounding the virtues of Rothko and making Reebok to paint a portrait of Lewis Hamilton sculptures out of cigarettes. Now twenty-six, to be hung on the Tower Bridge in London. “I the Brummie’s inventive, perhaps facetious, was approached by them to do a project so I qualities haven’t been eroded: “I came up went to London to discuss it and we came up with the idea of using radio-controlled cars to with the idea of using my style of painting to paint when my girlfriend bought me a radio- create a 12m high portrait of Lewis Hamilton controlled car for Christmas and told me not in the run-up to the Brazilian Grand Prix.” get any paint on it.” Ex-girlfriend that is. “The whole thing was very surreal. I was Ian Cook fne art at hgh speed Cook, who studied at the Winchester School given a week to create it, I worked fourteen of Art, has been developing his craft for two hours a day for seven days and at no point I was teaching. It meant I could go full time. its crazy just how many people want a T-shirt years. “I started off just dipping the tyres in was a brush used.” The media interest in the Had you said to me back then that I’d be with paint splattered across it, so that’s an paint and doing circles, then shapes, and it painting surprised even Ian’s sponsors, as TV fl own out to Abu Dhabi to create paintings for area I’m looking into. I’m already helping to grew from that. The fi rst real image I did was crews from Poland, Germany, Italy and the their fi rst Grand Prix I’d have laughed at you. design footwear with a company and Reebok Pudsey Bear for the BBC; from there I went U.S. descended on Tower Bridge to cover the But my proudest achievement was being able have been in touch about clothing.” into portraits, logos and eventually cars.” unravelling, which appeared in CNN’s bulle- to afford my new van!” Cook’s success is well-deserved, with his Ian calls this style PopBang Colour, and for tin just after the Superbowl. Cook is now thinking on a more human- paintings representing motion and energy the last eighteen months it has found a welcom- “It certainly opened up doors for me,” Ian sised scale for his art. “When I paint I better than anything I’ve seen. But who knows ing home in the world of motorsport. When admits, “When I fi rst started this artwork generally get paint all over my clothes, and - I got a C in art. Human rights and the preventionist myth

Ruth Graham and Cather ne Lough talk to human r ghts act v st and lawyer Cl ve Sta ord Sm th about the myths surround ng the war on terror

ut of the seven times I’ve been held but this certainly wasn’t it. He was going to while on a pilgrimage during the holy month was faffi ng about trying to fi nd an abstract up at gun point, I’ve only been talk about the death penalty, but casually let of Muharram. The UK Government later rebuttal about the importance of maintain- “Ohurt once. That’s because I wasn’t drop (two minutes before the debate) that he claimed he had been involved in Lashkar-e- ing human rights in all circumstances, Clive speaking the right language. After the fi rst would instead be discussing “what’s pissed Tayyiba, incidentally a Sunni militant group. had a much better answer, namely that this time, I knew how to handle it. ‘Look, I’m a me off this week.” He threatened to heckle Ali, who has never seen his youngest child, situation has never occurred, and nor will it defence lawyer. Shoot a fucking prosecutor – Union President Jon Laurence if he intro- remains at Bagram, the base Clive describes ever. At some point, the Bush administra- you may need me later,’ I said, and the other duced him with the usual “serious stuff,” and as “Guantanamo’s evil twin.” Guantanamo tion, and many governments aside, decided six times they let me off. Once they even got Hannah Perry (Cambridge Amnesty has 195 prisoners; Bagram has over 700, that it was okay to abuse human rights, the gave me my wallet back.” Chair) singing ‘Come Little Rabbit’. none of whom has ever seen a lawyer. excuse being that it will make us safer. But I don’t know what I was expecting from This may sound ridiculous, but there was Clive acknowledges that not all terror realistically, when has torture ever, and human rights lawyer Clive Stafford Smith, a purpose to it all. The gun story illustrated suspects will be innocent. However, of the 42 I mean ever, resulted in discovering that that language matters. “What’s pissed me cases Reprieve has got to court, 83% have ticking bomb? Email Clive (see the Reprieve off” was a whole range of human rights been acquitted of all charges. That’s a lot of website) if you think of a case; he’d be issues, while ‘Come Little Rabbit’ was the innocent people locked away – and in some delighted to hear from you. song mentally ill Akmal Shaikh thought cases tortured – for no reason. Disturbingly, As for the hypocrisy of invading Iraq to would be a worldwide number one hit. He the UK Government is hugely complicit in protect human rights, whilst trampling on was executed in China on December 29th illegal rendition, covering up their actions those at home (28 days, anyone?), as Clive 2009. All of this was characteristic of Clive’s on the grounds of ‘security’ because they said, “hypocrisy is the yeast of terrorism.” speech – humorous, warm-hearted, but will embarrass them. The highlight for me A CIA agent once told Clive he was sure ultimately with a crucial point to be made. was when Juan De Francisco (dead nice that “for every person taken to Guantanamo, The most surprising thing that Clive bloke, Union Ents Offi cer next term) asked at least ten terrorists are created on the demonstrated was the sheer stupidity the ‘ticking time-bomb’ question. You know outside.” I don’t know about you but I’m of the CIA in the ‘war on terror’. In one the one, where a hypothetical terrorist certainly left asking, what the hell was case they put a Saudi fourteen-year-old in has the answer to the whereabouts of a the point of it all? Through compromising Guantanamo, based on a misinterpreta- hypothetical bomb. And you, the hypotheti- on civil liberties and adopting aggressive tion of the Arabic word for tomatoes. (It cal investigator, have the choice of torturing foreign policy tactics, we simply make the is the same as the Yemeni-Arabic word said terrorist, in order to save hundreds of situation more dangerous. The idea that for money, so they became convinced he lives. Article three of the UNDHR (no one abusing human rights will bring us closer was a budding al-Qaeda fi nancier). Nor did shall be subjected to torture or to inhuman to safety is “the myth that justifi es the they bother to retrieve his birth certifi cate, or degrading treatment or punishment) nightmare.” All I can say is that for those telling Clive that he just ‘looked young’ for vs. the lives of a community, if you will. entrammelled in the ‘legal’ system, still their supposed 26. Another fearsome terror For this reason many people say torture incarcerated in Guantanamo, or its “evil suspect was Amanatullah Ali, a Shia rice is okay. Water boarding in Guantanamo is twin,” Bagram; there is at least one man merchant and father of fi ve, kidnapped okay. Putting a razor blade to someone’s fi ghting their corner. (euphemistically described as rendition) genitals is okay, as happened to Binyam Join Amnesty and Reprieve to campaign by the British and sent to Bagram in 2004, Mohamed, one of Clive’s clients. But whilst I against human rights abuses worldwide. Features Ed tor Joe P  -Rash d Friday February 12th 2010 19 features@varsty co uk www varsty co uk FEATURES

St John’s S dney Sussex Rob nson TUESDAY 15TH WEDNESDAY 16TH FRIDAY 11TH

ISABEL PERRY Theme: Launching late Theme: La Serenissima... we Theme: Folie d’une Nuit. Yes, another on March 6th. couldn’t really pronounce it Parisian theme; this time it’s Paris by either, but it means Venice night. Though we suspect that even Expect: The usual (probably minus the canals). in the dark, Robinson won’t pass for rivalry Paris. Expect: Sidney’s biennial ball might be the best small Expect: Robinson are pushing food as ball in May Week – 2008’s ball got their major selling point. That said, it’s high marks all round. Just imagine a snip at £70 and is not a bad warm-up Sidney Bar has won The Weakest to a more lavish week. Link, copped off with Anne Robinson and is having a party Rumours: Tony Robinson of with to celebrate. Blackadder fame and Paul Robinson, Trinity former England goalie, go head-to- ensures John’s go all out – last year’s Rumours: Some UK garage; head in a bout of chess-boxing. fi reworks were pretty awesome and fi ngers crossed for Craig David. the food was almost worth the wait. However, given that next year is a big anniversary and the budget is Clare rumoured to be big, it might be a Tr n ty MONDAY 14TH slightly quieter year. MONDAY 14TH Theme: Scheherazade. She’s a Persian Rumours: John Major working Theme: So big and so bad that they queen. Consequently you can expect a behind one of the bars – we’re not don’t even have a theme. Big dog sort of upmarket Fez kind of thing. sure it’ll be that funny. behaviour from the wealthiest College in town. Expect: Clare is one of the University’s most beautiful Colleges, so no doubt Expect: Almost certainly the most the whole thing will look lovely. What’s luxurious event in May Week – more, Clare’s done a good line in Ents champagne will fl ow, oysters will in the past and the trend looks set to Chr st’s slide down gullets and some kid will continue. TUESDAY probably stay in their room working 15TH on Fermat’s Last Theorem. Not the Rumours: Former Union President biggest party atmosphere then. and BBC sports reporter Clare Theme: L’Esprit Balding reports on the ball whilst Nouveau, Rumours: Sir Martin Rees, Master galloping on a handsome steed. the of the College and Astronomer Royal, will hand out bundles of cash at the splen- survivors’ photo. dour of 1920s May Ball, Paris. Jesus St Cathar ne’s MONDAY 14TH Expect: A WEDNESDAY 16TH number of Theme: A Night at the Circus, gaudy novelties, assorted splendorous freaks ‘fantastic bands’ Theme: Make Believe. Not that you Maybe? and more infl atables can tell from the publicity, which is and a lot of talk about a ‘Big Top’. The and entertainments basically illegible. ‘greatest show on earth’, apparently. than ever before. A good range of live music and Expect: Banging DJ sets and a pretty Expect: We round up the post-exam DJ sets, plus a lot of roving performers. Rumours: Shirley intimate atmosphere. On the same night summer fest v t es and see Bassey, and Sneezing as Sidney and offers a similar deal for Generally, Jesus is a safe pair of hands Panda. two pounds more. The words ‘unusual’ when it comes to having a good time. what’s worth splash ng the and ‘imaginative’ feature heavily. Rumours: The Messiah himself cash returns to play ringmaster in Rumours: Old boys Jeremy Paxman and Sir Ian McKellen put together the Big Top. a two-man cabaret act called NewsKnight.

Gonv lle & Ca us TUESDAY 15TH

Theme: The Seasons. Bland- sounding maybe, but it does work a nice inside/outside angle that suits the transition from early evening into late, late night.

Expect: Caius is another college that does a great line in big bands but don’t expect to get a ticket – not many outsiders do.

Rumours: Cheryl Cole. Almost certainly not cool. 20 Friday February 12th 2010 Arts Ed tors Al ce Hancock and Lara Prendergast ARTS www.varsity.co.uk arts@vars tycouk All the World’s a Web Page

W k ped a, Facebook, Tw  er Emma F nn and Jack Je r es d scover that even Shakespeare can’t escape the nternet generat on

ow ironic. Coming to discover more creates a melting pot for different readings particular interest to the about literature’s next step into and helps to add a depth of appreciation to thesps amongst us, as the the World Wide Web, we found such a fertile body of work. specifi cation tools will be an H MARTHA RAWLINSON ourselves descending not into a buzzy Variety does not mean, however, that indispensible asset in fi nding computer fi lled offi ce but into a dimly lit works which are commonly considered a audition speeches. kitchen, complete with the offer of cookies. national heritage will be inundated Such personalisation Declining this, for fear of spraying the with vapid ‘spam’. There is harks back to the printing team with their own baked goods during method in the madness. A industry of Shakespeare’s questioning, we got down to the ins, outs type of peer review system is day, when a “nominal fee” and implications of a new Wikipedia-type intended, allowing could be paid for the website offering: www.openshake- people to disagree replication of a desired speare.org and edit each other’s document, without Huddled round the table were comments; “though we fear of contract or the brains behind the Open want anyone to be able copyright laws. The Shakespeare project, a website to edit, that does future of projects developed under the auspices of not mean we want like Open Shake- the Open Knowledge Foundation. The a cacophony”. speare rely upon this OKF is a not-for-profi t organisa- Aware of a genera- kind of freedom to edit and tion dedicated to promoting the tion raised on redistribute material, and one of the use, reuse and redistribution of Facebook, the team team’s primary motivations is to circum- information, aiming to provide are making fi lter- vent the inaccessibility of the majority of the public with open access ing and tagging literary criticism. As copyright protection result of the dedication of the volunteers, to valuable resources. Rufus tools readily avail- on older critical essays expires however, but the scale of their ambition means Pollock, Fellow of Emmanuel able in order to there is nothing to stop their inclusion in that their goals will only be fulfi lled with College, has been working refi ne users’ the website’s collection. Modern licensing the help and involvement of others, in with current university laws are, after all, being forced to change everything from programming to critical undergraduates to develop in light of the ever-increasing freedom commentary. Volunteers the Open Shakespeare which technology affords. Compari- wanted please. website, an initiative sons with the music industry are dedicated to, “bringing hard to avoid: the proliferation of To get involved, contact together technol- fi le-sharing and the evident shift [email protected] ogy and the text away from traditional sources in interesting of revenue may well emerge ways”. Shake- in the literary sphere, speare’s as authors and publish- works in searches ers adapt to changing their entirety based on circumstance. In any have been author and case, Pollock explains uploaded to the content. This that the current system of website along type of innova- publication is “fundamen- with tools allowing tion epitomises tally not working,” perhaps users to explore the efforts of because audiences have had a the texts and home in the team to tap in to taste of a much greater level on specifi c interests. Viewing the contemporary mindset and of freedom in other areas different editions side-by-side or the capac- overcome the phenomenal of cultural consumption. ity to search for particular terms, words or restrictions of printed texts. User-defi ned payment characters aims to shed new light on works So, is the arrival of new editing tools surfaced in the that have, let’s face it, been exhaustively such as Open Shakespeare another nail music business analysed. in the coffi n of the traditional publica- with pioneering One of the principal innovations of this tion? Pollock admits that there can be “an bands such as particular project is the opening up of antagonistic relationship” between the Radiohead. This an interactive online community where printed word and high-tech tools such as system of inter- Shakespeare buffs of all kinds can engage his, but suggests, “at the same time they active fi nancial in the collaborative exchange of ideas on complement one another.” Adam Green, a remuneration the works of our most revered cultural NatSci physicist, adds that few people can encourages hero. To this end, the website provides the abide reading a large amount of text on an artistic means to annotate the Bard’s plays, offer- screen and that he doubts he’ll ever stop meritocracy. ing a plethora of individual interpretations buying books, claiming he would be “horri- The Open and criticisms. But what are the virtues fi ed at the prospect of the entire English Shakespeare team is of a democratic Shakespeare? Variety, faculty sat doing statistical analysis”. optimistic that contempo- perhaps, seems the most obvious answer: Creativity is certainly not absent from rary authors will become “In a community like this, contributors the functions of the website however. A increasingly happy to may have read a lot of different criti- device, which Pollock terms “an antholo- engage with these new cal editions, meaning a Medievalist, for gisation engine”, will enable browsers developments. Perhaps example, could comment alongside an to draw together selected passages or Open Rushdie next? The early modern specialist”, explains Colette entire plays for printing, so generating a innovative ideas of the group Sensier, a third year English student. This personalised compilation. This may be of are slowly being realised as a Arts Ed tors Al ce Hancock and Lara Prendergast Friday February 12th 2010 21 arts@varsty co uk www varsty co uk ARTS The Fraudulent Footlight

Alex Owen and Alex Lass talk to T m Key, self-styled wr ter, performer, dr nker, ball- w nn ng m df eld-player and uns ghtly beast, about h s comedy, poetry and ‘t me’ at Cambr dge

im Key – poet, savant, imposter and a PhD student at Sidney Sussex College” ‘mm, you’ll actually become a national sometime slut is Cambridge’s most which was not at all true. Key’s fraudu- treasure, I imagine’. They were talented Quickfire Round Trecent comedy success story. But lence was discovered when he got into the guys, even the ones who decided not for all that, you might still not of heard of tour show but it was agreed he may as to pursue it. By the end I defi nitely him, probably because you’re a blunder- well keep up the charade “right through thought I’d give it a whirl. I got an agent Two-m nute nterv ew ing ignoramus whose idea of a good to Edinburgh”. in Edinburgh and got weaving. By ‘got laugh starts in The Mahal and ends up in It was a bumper year for the Footlights weaving’ I mean I worked in Hamley’s Addenbrooke’s. at Edinburgh 2001 with Mark Watson and for six months and then moved back to Favour te sport Most recently, Key won the 2009 Sophie Winkleman featuring alongside Cambridge to have a rethink.” Cr cket Edinburgh Comedy Award (formerly Key in a tour show that was nominated There were a few more shows in the Perrier award) for his one-man show for the Perrier Best Newcomer Award. Edinburgh and another nomination for Favour te novel The Slutcracker – a blend of poetry and Key remembers it fondly: “I loved that the Perrier in 2002 but it wasn’t until 2005 Ham on Rye by Bukowsk  fi lm that took Edinburgh by storm as the time. Not meaning to sound like a dick but that Key’s career really started to take follow up to 2008’s The Slut in the Hut, a it was life-changing.” off when Cowards was born, a four man Favour te dr nk moniker that Key initially despised but When asked, he freely admits that he troop including Key, Stefan Golaszewski, Lager has since taken to. had his sights set high: “When I fi rst sat Tom Basden and Lloyd Woolf, all of whom “The fi rst Edinburgh show was called around in the producer’s fl at with the cast, Key and Watson directed in the 2003 Favour te actor The Slut In The Hut. Because Slut having auditioned with these people for Footlights tour show. Walken, I suppose rhymed with Hut and I was performing in two weeks I was genuinely eyeing them It was also around this time that Key the Pleasance Hut. I instantly regretted up and thinking ‘yup, you’ll probably be started developing the idiosyncratic style Favour te f lm it. I phoned up the Pleasance and tried famous’ and ‘yup, you’ll and distinctive poetry that has earned Var es L ked that one about Cantona to change it right before they went to defi nitely be him such acclaim. “The poetry started recently ‘Nuts n May’ s always up there print. Then I spent the next three famous’ in a notepad whilst on public transport. ‘Safety Last’ - Harold Lloyd – s a real months railing against it in and I wrote down a four line poem. Then I p ece of work all the publicity. And then wrote another one. Then I fi lled the book. I talked about it in the That totalled 228 poems. It wasn’t until Favour te play show. It worked out a year later that I read them out. Not a Qu te l ke ‘The B rthday Party’, f I’m pretty well – I’d great deal of thought went into it. But I honest accidentally called had Soviet lounge music underscoring my show that it and I wore a suit and drank beer Favour te song/band and now I was from a can so the building blocks ‘L ke a Ra nbow’ by The Roll ng Stones backtracking. were in place. It’s undergone some The vibe for changes – longer poems are now L fe mo o the second mixed in and I sometimes try Nope show was and ‘be slick’. But that was a that I’d pretty fair marker. I’d tried Favour te c ty acciden- stand-up already and hadn’t K ev tally found anything remotely branded idiosyncratic or original – Favour te tra ners the whole these foundations meant that H -Tec Squash thing whether it was sublime or with the utter dogshit it would at least Favour te eans ‘slut’ be original. I guess I don’t like Wranglers thing. I it when people are derivative. kind of I prefer it when people are Opt mum t e/sh rt combo like it now. doing their own thing. Even if Wh te sh rt w th black embro dery P nk It’s kind of it’s not my scene – try and do t e uncompromising. something new.” Next show You may have seen Key’s poems Favour te Poet I’m looking at on Charlie Brooker’s Newswipe. The one w th Carlos n h s name who ‘Eyes Wide It’s certainly poetry that has been at does the poem about the plums Slut’”. the heart of Key’s solo success though Bukowsk s obv ously splend d He started he’s written two genre-shattering books his comedy as well. “I might write a straight, fl at-out Favour te of your own poems career with the poetry book. I’ve got over a thousand 368 Footlights despite poems now so it’d be nice to crack them “An ox” not actually being a out. As for a novel, I think maybe another I couldn’t conceal my ncredul ty student at Cambridge, a fi ve years and then I’ll do one. Novels Why had she bought an ox fact he “didn’t volunteer” seem a bit diffi cult. You have to have the when he auditioned right-sized/shaped brain. Mine is quite Adv ce to budd ng com cs for the pantomime. small and round so currently suited to Trust your nst ncts Be Instead he “volun- more minor bursts of writing”. or g nal Do th ngs teered some It’s clear that with a fi lm in the pipe-line for no money for information (co-written with long-time collabora- longer than seems about tor Tom Basden), a world tour of The healthy being Slutcracker as well as the beginnings of a new live show Key look set to capita- lise on his growing profi le and exponential success. And Tim Key will be headlining does he see himself as the Wolfson Howler on a stand up comic? March 8th “Not quite.” T m Key an eclect c m x of comed c poet and v ntage tra ner fan 22 Friday February 12th 2010 Arts Ed tors Al ce Hancock and Lara Prendergast FEATURES wwwvars tycouk arts@vars tycouk

Arts Comment Classics Revisited

women don’t go to movies and they Desp te wht the Oscrs s, can’t open them. By extension, ZING TSJENG women who want to make fi lms Hollwood s st ll n old bos’ club about women are consigned to romcoms, and those who want to he Oscar nominations are reviewed in The New York Times exception of Titanic and Avatar, make fi lms about anything else are out, and Kathryn Bigelow in 2009, only ten percent were women are either on the sidelines seen as risky propositions. Bigelow, Tis in the running for Best directed by women – and many of a story centred on male for example, struggled to fi nd D.H. Lawrence Director for war fi lm The Hurt of these were foreign fi lms that protagonists or are any Hollywood funding for Lady Chatterley’s Lover Locker. Her win at the Directors’ received limited releases. The part of an ensemble her fi lm. Female directors, (1928) Guild of America has put her as numbers only get worse when you cast (think Arwen the argument goes, just the front-runner of the Oscar race look at the six or so major studios: in Lord of the don’t create profi table Upon its publication, D.H. and into the centre of a media last year, Paramount and Warner Rings or Hermi- fi lms. That’s patently Lawrence’s Lady Chatterley’s frenzy, above and beyond the Brothers did not release a single one in Harry untrue, though: a study Lover aroused controversy normal racket of the usual Oscar fi lm by a woman. It’s not even the Potter). Women in 2008 showed that the due to an overtly sexualised hype. Why all the added attention? case that those bankrolling movies almost never front budget of the fi lm has plotline in which the charac- Because the DGAs have never, in are men: women have run studios a major studio fi lm. more to do with its box ters’ chief prerogative is the a 62-year history, recognised a When they do, it’s in offi ce than the gender of its fulfi lment of personal desire. female director. Only three women paint-by-numbers roman- director. Lady Chatterley’s adulter- have been nominated for an Oscar “Women almost tic comedies. No wonder fi lms like You’d think that Hollywood ous pursuit of her husband’s for Best Director. None have won. The Devil Wears Prada do well would realise that women, gamekeeper, Mellors, originates A Bigelow win would make history. never front a with women: at least it’s not Sandra making up half of the population, from her need to embrace life It’s about time. The fi lm industry Bullock playing another career- are a pretty profi table target – a sensation with which we has historically shut women out, major studio film” minded shrew. You have to wonder demographic. Yet every time can all associate – although her except in the editing suite (the if some part of Hollywood’s dire women fl ock to movies like Mamma disdain towards Lord Chatter- process was thought to be akin to since the 80s. lack of imagination is due to the Mia!, the industry reacts with ley denies her the contentment the feminine pursuit of knitting). The excitement over Bigelow’s absence of female directorial voices. shock. These fi lms might not be which she ultimately seeks. Her You could conclude that all is now nomination disguises a much Why does the industry continue Schindler’s List II, but they’ve extreme actions should inspire hunky-dory in Hollywood: a woman deeper problem in Hollywood: the to turn their backs on female direc- forced Hollywood to begin re-evalu- us to chase even the smallest wins, sexism smashed, that’s lack of representation of women, tors and female audiences? Part of ating the way they look at female source of excitement in our own entertainment! both at a directorial level and in it is because women aren’t seen as audiences. Hopefully, a Bigelow win lives, whilst being mindful of the But Bigelow is the exception in fi lm itself. Scroll down the list of top loyal moviegoers. Received wisdom at the Oscars will fi nally change the happiness of others.   Hollywood. Of the 600 new fi lms ten highest-grossing fi lms: with the holds that outside of romcoms, way they look at female directors.

FOOD & DRINK Valentine’s Menu

H The Food Of Love ELEN M A C K R E A T H Th s wee, love s n the  r Ros e Corner nt c ptes Vlent ne’s D

hen I think of food and it.” Much as I adore this story and movingly the quail in rose-petal love my thoughts always implore you all to read it immedi- sauce, made from the bouquet Wreturn to The Kitchen ately, I do fi nd it just a little rapey. Pedro smuggles to her after the Child, a favourite satirical and If anyone tried to do the same birth of her niece. The same old class-aware fairy tale, retold thing to me while I was working story of replacing sex with cooking with exquisite gothic detail by on something as diffi cult to pull off occurs in Lily Prior’s ‘novel of Angela Carter. In the tale a child as a savoury souffl é I’d probably rapture’ La Cucina. Here, follow- is born onto the kitchen table in a punch them in the mouth. But it ing the murder of her lover by the country house where his mother is set me thinking, can one fi nd love, Mafi osi. Rosa Fiore goes on what A truly ravishing breakfast head cook; she cuts the umbilical or at least lust, in the kitchen? can only be described as a killing- herself with a carving knife and In Alfonso Arau’s Like Water and-eating rampage. Wracked by uses a fi sh-kettle for his cradle for Chocolate (1993) the heroine sorrow she slaughters every cow, Heart-shaped fried eggs (free-range from Cambridge market) and pots and pans for toys. The Tita, prevented from marrying sheep and chicken on her family child’s provenance is even more her beloved Pedro and forced to farm, uproots every vegetable Heart-shaped pancakes (made with 1 cup of plain fl our, a-third-of-a- disturbing: he doesn’t know his watch him take her own sister as and strips every tree, while her cup of milk, a-third-of-a-cup of water and 2 eggs) father, nor does his mother, but, his bride, pours all her pent-up family grow increasingly worried in the kitchen legend he is told by emotion into divine dishes; most and rotund. Blood-lust sated she Maple Syrup (Rowse is wonderful, if pricey – I suggest growing a the other servants, a handsome glumly retires to a life of cooking maple tree and making your own) stranger visiting the household for and librarian work, but Rosa the fi rst time came upon a buxom eventually rediscovers the joy Crispy bacon (Butcher’s choice only £2 a pack at Sainsbury’s!) young cook toiling over a bowl of of sex in her forties with a very souffl é batter. Charmed by her pervy Englishman who wears Pain au Chocolat and croissants (Oh Italian bread stall, you fl oury wavering posterior, he makes is salmon suits – here the magic of friend o’ mine) move and while he no-nonsensely the writing comes to an abrupt, impregnates her, he knocks her buttery, halt. Rivetingly red fruit board featuring lychees, passion fruit, hand which is holding the paprika, So, in honour of the most pomegranate, pink grapefruit and blood oranges (all bought at the and slightly too much is added to romantic day of the year, I newly-refurbished fruit and veg stall in the SECOND row of stalls in the mixture. Upstairs however, decided to renounce my Bridget Cambridge market, as you approach from M&S) the family are delighted with the Jones-inspired menu of blue soup, resulting dish: “throwing open and conjure something suitably Tropicana juices (currently two for £3 at Sainsbury’s, drunk from the door, she brings forth the romantic for my lady friends. My champagne fl utes, naturally) veritable queen of all the souffl és, task was aided by the fact that my that spreads its archangelic wings mother had just sent me a heart- Lace tablecloth (£1 from Poundland – also doubles as spinster’s cap) over the entire kitchen as it leaps shaped fried-egg mold in the post. upwards from the dish in which – now that’s love. F nger, leg, torso-l ck n good the force of gravity alone confi nes Ask nicely, and she’ll cook anything. Reviews and Listings Editor: David Pegg Friday February 12th 2010 23 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Listings Listings Pick of the Week Evensong: The Choirs of Clare College and Sidney Sussex College sidney sussex college chapel, fri 18:45-19:30 (£5/6/16) Combat is truly the basis of all music. The mighty choristers of Clare take on the titanic vocals of Sidney at an Evensong so apocalyptically gladiatorial that it is untold even in Ancient Mayan prophecy. They with the best lyrics, delivery and attitude shall triumph. For the loser, there is only the ignominy of defeat. Let the battle commence!

Music Talks Film & Nightlife Theatre Arts & Events

The Wolfman Friday February 12th The Heartbreaks You Ongoing Exhibitions Friday February 12th Vue cinemas daily 13:00 15:30 18:00 20:30 (fri, Imogen Heap Embrace Mixed Print Exhibition Risk and Humanities sat,sun & wed also 23:00) the Junction, 19:00. (£17.50 adV) Benecio Del Toro receives a michaelhouse cafÉ, fri 20:00 (£5) 30th Janurary – 28th february, cambridge lady mitchell hall, 17:30-18:30 Now touring her Theatre cabaret from contemporary art, 6 trinity st. 09:00 – 17:30 The Risk lecture series continues makeover. Unfortunately for him Pick (free) third album and still Pick a past winner of the as Times blogger and lovable this isn’t so much about highlights of the Pick Spacious, mostly vacant week engineering the soulful of the Marlowe Society/RSC classicist Mary Beard explores and designer shirts as curses and of the gallery displays an Music ambience which defined week Other Prize, held in ancient ideas of risk and avoidance. back-hair like you’ve never seen. Theatre week assortment of works that formative phase the little café opposite Arts The lecture will include the first spent watching (and listening to) made famous by their Caius. That title is refusal to fit into consultation of the Oracles the O.C. Batty-haired crazyness inspired by what is unquestionably of Astrampsychus for guaranteed. more distinctly the best break-up song of all time, thematic showings. many centuries. maysLYRICS ever. Weep into the V-Day spirit. Clouds Tuesday the shop, Jesus lane, 20:00. (free) February 16th Writing goes aural. Writers read The Crucible and Myths: adc theatre, fri-sat 19.45 (£7/9) Imaging their work before musicians play Fear and loathing in Salem, Monotypes by their reinterpretations. Bring a Cancer Massachusetts. Lino Mannocci wolfson lecture rug. 9th february – 9th may, theatre, churchill Woyzeck fitzwilliam museum (free) college, 19:30-21:00 Anglo-Italian Lino Saturday February 13th Judith e. wilson studio, fri 16.00 & sat 15.00 (£3) Dr Kevin Brindle Invictus Czech National Symphony Mannocci works with of the Cancer Vue cinemas, daily 15:20, 18:20, 21:.20 The power of Buechner’s play ink painted directly Research Institute Morgan Freeman as the Orchestra apparently lies in its simplic- corn exchange, 19:30. (£17/23/27/31) onto a printing plate, and presents his research most humble of prison- ity. Since this production will be Pick Billed as an evening of a selection of the resulting into non-invasive magnetic ers never pipes down performed in its original German, of the “19th-century classics brimming ‘monotypes’ will arrive at the resonance-based testing for week with his sage advice, that might be a good thing. over with ravishing melodies”. Fitzwilliam this Tuesday. They tumour response to therapy, and Film what will happen when Petr Altrichter conducts Schubert explore the experience of landscape discusses the impact this could he’s given Mandela? If Pygmalion and Dvorák featuring violinist friends of peterhouse theatre, fri-sat 19.30 through a soft palette of blues, bear on the future of cancer treat- that gets old, there’s always Holly- and recent Cambridge graduate (£4/6) browns and off-whites. wood actors attempting a South ment and research. Charlie Siem. Eliza Doolittle! My Fair Lady! African accent. It all started in Shaw’s romance, State of the Art SCA and Teach First: Monday February 15th plucked for the Heywood Society’s 9th february – 13th february, the shop, Jesus Youth In Revolt lane, 7.30pm (free) Learning to Lead Lostprophets Fresher show. Vue cinemas, daily 14.30, 16.50, 19.00, 21.10 (fri, sat, For the first time this term, The benson hall, magdalene college, 16:15-17:30 sun & wed also 23.30) corn exchange, 19:30. (£22.99) Shop comes out of retirement to A workshop delivered in partner- A sweet indie romantic tale The surprisingly Welsh rockers hit Macbeth exhibit new student artworks in ship to give volunteers the documenting the extremes teenage the Corn Exchange, with inevitable corpus playroom, fri-sat 19.00 (£5/6) Little-known and supposedly everything from abstract sculpture confidence to pretend to altruism lads will go to in order to get a leg crowdpleasers ‘Last Train Home’ cursed Scottish Play, featuring Mr to surrealist photography. for one CV-enhancing year. over. Michael Cera promises his and ‘Rooftops’. Support from Kids and Mrs. M. You wouldn’t invite usual adorable persona but with a in Glass Houses. them to your dinner party. Matthew Boulton and the Wednesday February 17th moustache upgrade. Industrial Revolution You Must Be Joking: Cities Cadenza: One Night Only 8th december - 5th april, fitzwilliam museum, as a Force for Good in the Ponyo tue-sat 10:00-17:00, sun 12:00-17:00 adc theatre, tue 23.00 (£5/6) arts picturehouse, see website for details 2009 marked the bicentenary of the Environment Boy meets fish, boy promises to They were on Last Choir Standing. death of Boulton, a Birmingham lr0, engineering department, 18:00-19:30 (£5/7) always take care of fish. Then fish They were beaten by Only Men manufacturer who revolutionised Professor Bruce Beck of the turns into girl. Boy loves girl. Just Aloud. Still, tickets are like groov- metalwork alongside James Watt. Pick University of your standard Japanese fairytale. ing, pop-infused fairy dust, and Georgia discusses you’re promised the Spice Girls. Coins, medals and other miscella- of the nea on display. week how re-engineering Valentine’s Day Stellar a capella. Events urban infrastructure Vue cinemas, daily 11:30,14:20,17:15,20:15 (fri, sat and wed 23:15) The Occasional Students could make cities net Features high-powered cast whose christ’s yusef hamied theatre, tue 20.00 (£3) contributors to the ecosystems lives overlap on holiday. This is Tuesday February 16th Aren’t we all? Cambridge’s latest they inhabit. Love Actually but cashing in on Moishe’s Bagel comedy sketch show comes with the mushy sentiments of Valen- the Junction, 20:00. (£13 adV) rebellious and reassuring title: Thursday February 18th tine’s rather than Christmas. Invigorating and uplifting, the they’d rather be treading the Annual High Bagel play jazz-infused folkish boards than festering in a library. Commissioner’s Dinner Percy Jackson and the delights with a Balkan twist. queen’s college, 19:00 (£39/45) Lightning Thief Expect to feel the urge to shout Twelfth Night Canadian High Commissioner to Vue cinemas, daily 09:40, 12:20,15:10, 17:50, 20: 40 “HEY!” at random intervals. cambridge arts theatre, tue-sat 19.45 (£10/15) the UK, His Excellency James Discovering you are half human, Second Shakespeare of the week: Wright, is guest of honour at the half Greek God? More of an Wednesday February 17th he’s good for your bones. The annual Cambridge Canadian Club ego-boost than any teenage boy Ledger’s “A Thanksgiving Marlowe Society hits the Arts dinner. Tickets are first-come, needs. Pens turn into swords, for Life” Theatre for one of the term’s big first-served; those with no affili- destinies are unravelled but you’ll christ’s college chapel, 18:30. (free) ‘uns, where dukes and drunkards ation with Canada are welcome, spend most of the movie staring at An Ash Wednesday performance of struggle amidst Will’s Illyrian albeit begrudgingly... Aaron Johnson’s doppelgänger. Sir Philip’s requiem. wasteland. to haVe something listed on these pages, e-mail daVid pegg at [email protected] by no later than monday on the week of publication. 24 Friday February 12th 2010 Reviews Editor: David Pegg REVIEWS www varsty co uk [email protected]

MUSIC Boxed In PAUL SMITH You’ll be my Amer can boy Valentine’s Ball CAMBRIDGE UNION 

pon arrival at the Union we were welcomed by a Umime. I say ‘a mime’ – he might have simply been a mute yet hilarious sex offender merrily roaming outside the Union without the consent of the organisers. It’s Week 5: Take Me Out surprisingly easy to praise an entertainer whose opening gambit is pretending to molest your date. TV’s new dating show Take ‘An American in Paris’ was the Me Out launches Saturday theme of the night, refl ected only in Inight TV to places of joyful the fi lm silently playing on a telly cheesiness and innuendo of in the corner, but the Valentine’s which our parents would never schmaltz, with a saccharine shade have dreamt. Presenter Paddy of pink soaking into everything in McGuinness, off of Phoenix the damn building, was perfect. Nights and, yes that’s right, Ents Offi cer Anna Harper and her Gregg’s the ‘Bakers’ ads, plays team had clearly invested a huge cupid for 30 girls by introducing amount of effort into the whole one man at a time down the ‘love production, and the atmosphere lift’. they created was ideal for the The girls then have three opening ball of the year. chances to turn their light off if Re d for the Weeend Entertainments were generally the guy fails to impress them with good; the apparently telekinetic his weight-lifting skills, Irish illusionist who fl ipped playing accent or overly-protective mum. cards along the fl oor without (It was probably “Jonathan’s a hypodermic injection of pure middle-class youths. It’s musical touching them was a highlight, as astounding table wrestling skills” Vampire Weekend adrenalin by frenetic tempos and imperialism in preppy cricket were the ever-superb Footlights that set the, ahem, benchmark for CORN EXCHANGE muscular drumming. Drummer jumpers, critics warn - ethno-pick- James Moran and Lucien Young. the rest of the series.) Any suitor  Chris Tomson has mastered the n’-mix that misses the point. The Ballerina Nina Ellis, taking to who does make it to the other side ska/reggae beat that makes a musical equivalent of the gap year the Union fl oor was a unique and of the girls’ scrutiny then gets to ou’re in a pretty good virtue out of jerky start-stop tragedy with the Masai bracelet especially enjoyable act which will turn off the remaining lights until mood,” Vampire rhythms and the pregnant pause and Nepalese hat. no doubt stand out throughout the he fi nds a companion with just “YWeekend frontman that launches you headfi rst into a If only it wasn’t this good. Ball memories of May Week. For the right amount of make-up and Ezra Koenig notes dryly during glorious chorus. On ‘Run’, one of The band pull off tracks that the most part, however, the best that particularly alluring vacant this sold-out gig. Three songs in, the gig’s standout tracks, Tomson should be unplayable, like ‘The acts were inexplicably relegated expression. the crowd of middle-aged punters, pauses right before Koenig’s Diplomat’s Son’, which samples to the small room adjacent to the Beautifully, all 26 girls who boys in Topman and underage vocals and Rostam Batmanglij’s M.I.A’s ‘Hussel’ and segues effort- bar, whilst the main chamber don’t get a date are back on the teens are hurling themselves in a shimmery keyboards sweep you lessly between the instrumental, was occupied by less compelling show next week, and the famil- huge moshpit. School-night parents into the line “it strikes me that syncopated chatter of drum loops performances, culminating in the iarity can be hilarious. There look terrifi ed; their kids, thrilled. the two of us could run” – just as and Koenig’s crooned vocals. But eminently uninteresting three- is, of course, the “bubbly” Rian By the time ‘Campus’ transitions the eyes of the girl on the giant Vampire Weekend are used to hour Ragged Army marathon. from Sheffi eld whose light is perfectly into ‘Oxford Comma’, Contra poster behind them light doing the impossible. They made Food and drink was disap- never off, until the men get a burlier fans in the audience are up. Literally. singing about Darjeeling tea pointing – the promo material chance, and six-foot-something piledriving each other into the That’s one of the many highlights and Louis Vuitton acceptable; if kept schtum about the four-drink Jo is a constant intimidation. fl oor. Who knew a song about in the gig, where light, sound anybody else in Britain tried to limit (and they still ran out of Roz is “the busty one”, and punctuation could turn this violent? and rhythm come together into rhyme ‘balaclava’ with an obscure champagne), and food choices were Emma from Leicester has a Clad in immaculate shirts, VW a perfect blast of summer heat. Mexican drink, they would proba- limited to the hog roast and meat/ smile which could slice onions. know how to get a crowd going. Vampire Weekend is a band that bly get glassed for being overly cheese table, but on a positive note Paddy defi nitely makes the While their albums fundamentally has to manage the diffi cult balanc- precious. As the crowd roar for there was plenty to go around. show work. He can barely recreate the laid-back tropical vibe ing act of being (mostly) white, ‘Cousins’ and a girl is hoisted up Altogether a success, and all deliver an innuendo without of their African and West Indian middle-class boys from a presti- onto somebody’s shoulders, hands for a modest £45. Not an event so giggling, and makes the show infl uences, the band is electrifying gious university, drawing from in the air, it’s hard to dismiss VW memorable as to set the standard, as transparent (sorry, clear) live. The setlist, which includes (mostly) black music and writing as cultural tourists stealing a bit of but a strong start to the season for the girls as he can with his almost all of their material, is given lyrics about (probably) white, Caribbean sunshine. ZING TSJENG nonetheless. DAVID PEGG favourite catchphrase, “no likey, no lighty”. He’s at his funniest when introducing the suitor to Teen Dream in the predictable wake of two Four Tet The title-track unfolds with a the hen-pen with increasingly BEACH HOUSE such forerunners, but, as you THERE IS LOVE IN YOU peculiar timelessness: a female risqué double-entendre. It’s a  listen to the album unfold, each  vocal is cut-up with all the short step from “let the baker song warms through into a new noughties wizadry of Prefuse see the buns” to “let the pork openness without losing the duo’s 73, but ends up sounding just as see the scratchings” and, well, characteristic blurry resonance. swirling as Orbital’s 1992 classic we can see where it’s heading. The opening track ‘Zebra’ begins ‘Halcyon’. Similarly paradoxical: Bearing in mind that even the with a repetitive guitar fi gure: single ‘Love Cry’ loops a half-bar show’s host calls Take Me Out a as Legrand’s voice melts into vocal sample over the thickest “guilty pleasure”, you could be the texture, the sound deepens of Mylo basslines, and yet both mistaken for underestimating into a churning, complicated sound as gorily organic as any of its quality, but there is genuine nostalgia that maintains its more Hebden’s early works. comedy in Paddy’s witty rapport pop-informed sound. The album Speaking of which – the allusion with the contestants, and a makes this gesture from incipient to Rounds in the electric guitar hint of tragedy in those lonely movement to dramatic sweeps, of closing track ‘She Just Likes to faces. Most heartbreaking is the altimore-based Beach and handles this progression oo long since the last full- Fight’ is not for the emotionally totally rejected man who skulks House are well-established with dexterity. Pensive ballads length, and after stints with fragile. If you’ve also been listen- offstage to ‘All By Myself’. Take Bin the tradition of boy-girl (‘Better Times’, ‘Silver Soul’) TSteve Reid and Burial, a ing to Four Tet for the best part of Me Out is a brutal and hilarious duo making lovesick rock. Their gain in weight alongside more crate of remixes and a year’s a decade, and not slept enough in dip into the most tongue in the previous two albums have shown spacious numbers. Front to back, residency at Plastic People, the last seven days, the harmonic most cheek dating game there’ll just how good they are at their the arrangements and sequencing Mr. Hebden returns as Four that pings out at 2:18 will make ever be. You only have to see it, particular brand of American are superb, the depth and sweep Tet. WITH VOCALS! But then you cry, too. that’s all. JONNY ALDRIDGE dream pop. Teen Dream could belying the ephemerality of this you’ve probably known that since We waited fi ve years for this. A quite contentedly have followed album’s title. ELEANOR CARELESS November… star for every year. JOE SNAPE Reviews Editor: David Pegg Friday February 12th 2010 25 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk REviEws

fiLM Art & Literature

Rock ‘n’ rolla Clouds and Myths: Monotypes by Lino Mannocci performances Serkis perfectly veterans of dealing with his moods fitzwilliam museum Sex & Drugs & Rock & masters the shifts from nonchalant and lifestyle.  Roll raconteur to frenzied entertainer, If there are criticisms to be made arts PiCtureHouse performing gleeful covers of hits of the film, they are also comments  like ‘Reasons to be Cheerful, Pt.3.’ on the arc of a celebrity’s lifespan. ucked away in a tiny usic biopics are sometimes Father and son relationships are The film slows down significantly room at the back noteworthy for what they the emotional core of the film, after the middle point, the peak of Tof the Fitzwilliam Mdon’t do. Sex & Drugs & beginning with Dury’s relation- Dury’s success, and begins to lose Museum, past the gaggles Rock & Roll, an exuberant look at ship with his caring but distant some of its grip once you realise of schoolchildren being the life of legendary punk rocker father (Winstone). Dury often the hits are already done. However marched around ancient Ian Dury, avoids many of the neglects his own son in his pursuit this decline is tempered by the statues and paintings, abused tropes of musician biogra- of success, but Baxter Dury later brilliant sequence covering Dury’s Mannocci shows how phies. There’s no moment where comes to stay with Ian and his scornful anthem for the UN Year simple monotypes can be we see our protagonist strutting groupie girlfriend, receiving well- of the Disabled ‘Spasticus Autisti- eerily enchanting. Yes, down a London street, overhear- meaning but patchy parenting. cus’ where he viciously derides the most of the titles of his ing the phrase ‘Rhythm Stick’ and The women in Dury’s life are very sentimentalizing of his condition. prints sound like GCSE then gazing off into the middle much playing supporting roles, The film could have done with a few works by angsty emo distance. Equally the film avoids in both senses. Though Dury is more cuts. However it makes for a teenagers- ‘I change but being simply a lurid peek into a portrayed as an extremely caring fun, rude and entertaining night I cannot die’ - and yes, man’s private life by telling Dury’s and tender person, there is no at the cinema with a marvellous he falls into the trap of story in the manner of his music. concealing his selfishness. His central performance and a killer using ‘inkjet collages’ in mannocci: then susanna screamed Dury frequently narrates his life ex-wife and girlfriend are both soundtrack. victoria beale an attempt to make the from onstage in an abandoned work more ‘down with the kids,’ but there is an amazing simplicity to auditorium, in full ghoulish the exhibition. make-up. His music hall style suits Each print is a snapshot in time, enhanced by the fact that monotypes the gothic Victoriana element of his can only be used once as the stencil is usually destroyed in the process. troubled childhood. Infected by a Classical images are modernised by Mannocci as he transports figures polio epidemic at the age of seven, of angels and horses into his own black and white world. Scenes like he was sent to an institution for the one in ‘There were clouds in the sky,’ of three silhouetted figures disabled children as unwelcoming walking into the distance allow you to create a picture of the entire as a workhouse, with a cackling scene in your mind, the prints acting as a prompt for your rarely-used orderly who made his life hell. We imagination (we are at Cambridge, after all). see little of Dury’s adolescence and I could go into the links with Veneziano’s Annunciation engrav- young adulthood, cutting directly ings or the intricacies of the monotype printing process (which to the anarchic beginnings of is helpfully detailed as part of the exhibition) but most of the his music career, being booed off monotypes stand on their own as interesting, engaging, and stage, plagued by in-fighting and a sometimes disturbing images, often ripped from their original comatose drummer. context. Though the exhibition is just one room, it means that you Andy Serkis’ performance as don’t have an opportunity to get bored of Mannocci’s method and it Dury is excellent, capturing his becomes a bite-size transportation to a world of Clouds and Myths, energy, anger, and wit. In the stage serkis: nonchalant raconteur albeit with a load of yawning ten-year-olds who, for some reason, don’t appear to feel the same way. olly rees

Youth In Revolt revelation that our protaganist, could oblige. He plays the slightly vue Nick Twisp, is, on some level, a geeky but adorable protaganist For Esmé with Love and Squalor  wee bit miserable (sixteen-year- down to a tee so, despite its other j.d. salinger old virgin). That is, until he meets faults, you at least want to play along  the delightful Sheeni who lets him until its conclusion. The addition his is an offbeat American rub suntan lotion onto her legs and of Francois is where things start Pie with more hints of doesn’t even bat an eyelid when he to go wrong as the alter-ego gives ee more glass...Did you see more glass?” asks the little Tpsychological disturbance has the obvious teenage response the impression you’ve stumbled into girl in ‘A Perfect day for a Bananafish’ before she meets and less masturbation. Ridiculously to such personal administrations. Fight Club for dummies – even if he “SSeymour Glass and goes swimming with the neurotic overblown, the film takes ever All too soon the sweet romantics does have some killer chat-up lines, soldier, who afterwards returns to his room, takes out an Ortgies more bizarre turns that mimick the are separated and Nick is left with “I want to wrap your legs around calibre 7.65 automatic and shoots himself in the head. J.D. Salin- nature of the adolescent lurve that nothing more than a bad boy French my head and wear you like the ger’s collection of short stories, For Esmé- with Love and Squalor sparks it off. alter-ego, Francois, to ensure him crown that you are.” is funny like this. The brilliance of Salinger’s American skaz-slang It all begins with the standard and his lass get back to together. The acts of teenage rebellion that dialect traces the quiet hysteria of the 1950s through tender ‘I’m your kooky narrator’ spiel Not liking Michael Cera as Nick Francois makes Nick pursue in exchanges between emotionally frenzied adults and children, who which inevitably includes niche would be akin to kicking a puppy: order to reclaim Sheeni do provide possess an amusing mix of vulnerability and bold inquisitiveness. interests (Sinatra) and the only a scoundrel of the darkest order some colourful distraction. We It’s Salinger’s sensitive ear for dialogue which makes these stories alternate from scenes of explosive exceptional, especially when most often its children’s voices he Cera: your kooky narrator for this evening destruction to parental drug-taking chooses to impersonate. Penetrating the world around them with (unintentional). I watched with intelligence and deadpan wit, its hard to resist such characters. A delight as Sheeni’s mushroom- child’s close inspection of detail also infuses through the narrative addled parents made finger food of voice, tracking tiny movements like the eating of a chicken sandwich their dinner. with cinematic precision. You realise where Wes Anderson has been However, I can’t help feeling getting his inspiration from for all these years. Juno also did what Youth in Revolt It seems if you haven’t read The Catcher in the Rye by the time tries to – quirky, indie comedy with you are sixteen, the Salinger moment passes you by and all that’s a heart – but it just did it better. left is to sniff at such American teen histrionics and forget that The humour here is packaged as Salinger wrote anything else. But his short stories, nine in total a witty spin on slapstick but this here (and who knows how many more will be discovered posthu- doesn’t always live up to the intel- mously-Salinger’s daughter has hinted there are 15 unpublished ligent tag-line. One particularly manuscripts) are concentrated instances of Salinger’s delicate craft shoddy attempt was a move from a and should now be read and re-read, if only for interactions as “mindfuck” to a more “literal fuck”. fantastically endearing as this (a little girl is ordered to describe her Ha ha indeed. Sweet and amusing imaginary friend): “He has green eyes and black hair.” “What else?” but ultimately only half of the alter- “No mommy and no daddy” “What else?” “No freckles” “What else?” native movie it tries to be. “A sword” “What else?” “I don’t know.” zeljka maroseviC katie anderson 26 Friday February 12th 2010 Theatre Ed tor Ab ga l Dean TEATRE www varsty co uk theatre@varsty co uk

JESSICA LAMBERT Seymour’s directorial decisions, View from the The Crucible there was no confl icting ‘vision’ ADC MAINSHOW clunking along, trying to meld with Groundlings  the story. You noticed the superb staging – I cannot imagine that such visually striking arrangements o love a play puts a critic happened by accident – but it did in an awkward position. not feel contrived. TThe script is favoured, The actors were terrifi c, and but the stakes are raised: one obviously comfortable in their roles. wrong move and the production Sophie Crawford was heartbreaking crushes precious expectations. as Elizabeth Proctor, her portrayal But this was a beautifully staged, tender and soft, but by no means brilliantly-realised production of an weak. James Walker as her husband, admittedly wonderful script. The John, was equally well played: Crucible centres around the Salem measured and powerful. Their witch trials, and the way hysteria relationship was simply depicted and fear can spread, driven solely and therefore completely believable. Cambridge Theatre by paranoia and common human Comedy was present in the form of weaknesses. Arthur Miller’s rejec- Tom Ovens as the well-meaning but onchalance comes easily. tion of the supernatural only makes misguided Giles Corey: hilarious, One term down and the the whole thing all the more terri- but by no means trite. We all hated Nfreshers are jaded; the fying. It’s a great premise, and I Abigail (Phoebe Haines) and became OMFG moments are begin- was terrifi ed that it would all go ning to deplete. There are still horribly wrong. It didn’t. a few, of course: walking over The production team must be “The characters Orgasm Bridge with the punts congratulated for their roles. below and the Cam stretching There were none of those ‘technical upon stage down to King’s, or drinking diffi culties’ which so often distract REBECCA PITT sherry mid-supervision with from the action of opening night. do nothing, some Dumbledoresque profes- The set was interesting, and used sor. File next week’s ADC the full depth of the ADC stage, frustratingly and late show, Three Tales, in incorporating the decision to seat the OMFG bracket, because the actors at the side of the central fantastically.” few theatres in the world platform. It was a good one, for not have been treated to Steve only did it save the play from late Reich’s ‘video opera’. There cues, but also added a profundity exasperated with Mary (Eve will be musicians, documentary to the proceedings – the characters Hedderwick Turner), just as Miller footage, and pre-performance seem to be witnesses to the calam- demanded. Brilliant. talks, combined for a theatrical ity unfolding before them, and Fleetingly, I felt that the direc- response to the last century of yet do nothing. They do nothing tion mistook shouting for dramatic alone driven to tears, by the play’s as a vehicle for a director, nor any technology. frustratingly, and fantastically; it intensity at points of heightened horrifying conclusion. aspiring actor’s ego. What we have What are you doing tonight? was a slice of direction simultae- tension, and perhaps some of the But this is a production that here is an affectionately directed, Something you’ve never done nously subtle and gut-wrenchingly more chilling prophetic lines could cannot be missed. You’ll enjoy it, excellently acted production, sans before. Like a Black Tie Smoker. obvious. This brings me to the best have had greater effect at a lower and you’ll feel for its characters, pretence. It’s a rare treat on the You might have to sleep with a production element of the play – the volume. Overheard snippets in the misguided as they are. You’ll appre- Cambridge stage: do you really Pembroke Player to get a ticket, lack of pretensions. Whilst there bar afterwards espoused the same ciate how it lets the script speak want to miss it? but hell, it’s Valentine’s weekend, was intensity to be found in Josh opinion; not all were convinced, let for itself, and that it does not act KIRAN MILLWOOD HARGRAVE and it might well be worth it. Tonight’s the night to giggle into your champagne and snort f a person just need a big old iven that an excuse to play canapés all over the tux of the dislikes a piece Presto cock.” Not quite there is The Final us all his favourite guy in front of you. Tonight’s the Iof theatre that CORPUS PLAYROOM the ground-break- Gso much Countdown songs. Even for a night to tuck into some cabaret tries to be avant-  ing comedy I’d fi rst serious theatre FITZPATRICK HALL, QUEENS’ play which, thank- at the Michaelmas Cafe. The garde, there’s a expected. in Cambridge, I  fully, doesn’t take Heartbreaks You Embrace is on common tendency to The produc- really wanted to itself too seriously, its fi nal evening; it will “disturb label them as too thick to under- tion did have some potentially like The Final that’s a dangerous and delight”. Tonight’s the night. stand it. Presto is deliberately interesting ideas – multimedia Countdown. And, as a matter of premise to work from. If ticketing prostitution isn’t shambolic, with an intentional interplay between fi lm and theatre fact, I really did like its fi rst scene. I really feel for everyone your thing, get all over The absence of structure or plot, but could have cleverly augmented It was deliciously cheesy, and involved on stage, because, against Invention of Love next week, this does not render it immune to the humour of the experience, but wonderfully lowbrow, and I happen all odds, they made a fantastic Stoppard’s witty and bitty tale criticism. A nonsensical play like this was unfortunately wasted to rather enjoy that sort of thing. rescue attempt. Not a terribly of unrequited adoration. It’s this has to be written, directed and upon meaningless ‘comic’ parodies Ultimately, however, this potentially capable writer, Porter’s direction all rather Brideshead, and it performed impeccably in order to of fi lm plots (think Avatar with brilliant alternative to the classic was slick, and displayed bravery features an Oxford punt. OMFG. interest and relate to its audience, shoddy blue face paint). In terms of Cambridge theatre scene was let in occupying the stage with a large Big fat pair of Shakespeare but this script went wrong before acting, only Susie Chrystal deliv- down by a truly terrible script. cast, on many occasions when such coming up: maybe we’ll knock rehearsals even began. The idea ered the kind of sparky energy Flitting between the stories of three bustle could have been avoided. the shock of this paragraph of an anarchic lack of structure required to sustain audience main characters in their fi nal year The introduction of silly voices down to OMG. They’re the rarer, could have created an innovative interest through a play with an of uni, sketch show style, made it and physical quirks went part of more problematic productions, world of excitement and intrigue almost entirely absent plot, but very diffi cult for the audience to the way towards compensat- the snow leopards of the canon. where anything was possible; her efforts alone weren’t enough to get a sense of what was going on. ing for the huge inadequacies of Timon of Athens is picking sadly, this promising premise raise Presto out of the doldrums. Broadly speaking, nothing. And an the script, and it was this that up the Corpus Playroom slot staggered alive in a saggy, lack- And, yes, Adam Lawrence success- absence of any real character devel- made that fi rst scene so damn left all macabre and bloodied lustre effort that left the audience fully pulled off a card trick or opment made it a struggle to care. memorable. The choreography by Macbeth, and Twelfth bemused and bored. While two. But this is the kind of show Considering Zander, Bonnie and was extremely well done, and the Night arrives at Cambridge Presto imagines itself to that glories in its own cleverness Rachel are preparing for tumultuous cast threw themselves into every Arts Theatre, booting out be cutting-edge fringe and experimentalism, and that life transition, emotional engage- number with admirable enthusi- musicals and psychics. The theatre, it is simply a always leaves a bitter taste in the ment was scarce. There were a few asm; even the sound and lighting cast themselves were kicked nonsensical meander mouth. The person opposite entertaining scenes – one about were well selected, if lacking a out of their rehearsal space through joke after me, with the inordinately Carol Vorderman, which I wouldn’t little in variety. Sadly, the play last week for being too damn uninspiring joke loud laugh, seemed to have want to spoil, and another regard- just didn’t merit the dedication of noisy, which, as Newnham have – and I quote: fun. Maybe he was smart ing a love letter – but for the most this extremely talented team of recently discovered, can only be “I love fucking. enough to understand it; part, the script felt as though it was individuals, who, despite valiant a marvelous thing. There’s no maybe he was delirious. something of an afterthought, exist- efforts, could do nothing to save it. Apologies for all of the bullshit. You LYDIA ONYETT ing only to provide Stef Porter with EMMA VIOLET FIONA BROHAMER optimism. Next week: back to fl ippant belittlement. ABIGAIL DEAN GUIDE TO STAR RATINGS  S UIB  THE ORST ITCH  SABRINA  GANDALF  MERLIN Theatre Editor: Abigail Dean Friday February 12th 2010 27 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk THEATrE

Alcock Improv commence a hilarious and utterly “beat” “seals” “to” “death”. The Predictably, it was set on the moon; adc lateshow insane dialogue discussing the sparse audience’s hysterics suffi- less predictably, it wandered into Incoming  many ways in which a wizard’s long ciently amplified the atmosphere. the dark territory of infidelity beard might cover his testicles. Even when this cast were lost and abandonment. Dressing up as Whimsically, of course, that didn’t for words, their awkwardness sexually frustrated and mentally matter: the wizard was invisible, remained comical: a signifier of true unstable transvestites shouldn’t be ow can a review advise and had never existed anyway. comic talent. funny, but it really was. Awkward, upon improvised comedy? Five is the perfect number for Their crowning glory was dark, and successful against all HBy definition, the five the Alcock Improv team. Most of an extended play called The odds: the audience might vary, but comedians of Alcock Improv should the sketches involved only two Moonshine Timewarp (again, the talent here will not. give a completely different perfor- or three or them at any one time, a title chosen by the audience). nick chapman mance every night. Their website allowing the audience to focus on blurb promises a “completely each comedian’s particular brand unprepared” performance, but a of humour. Personal favorites Twelfth Night few viewings reveal signature set were Patrick Walshe McBride and pieces which the group slot into James Walker, the latter of whom their sketches as often as they gave a sterling improvised song ’ve never really had much can. It’s a wise precaution: raw in Azerbaijani (rather reminiscent luck with Twelfth Night. comic talent shouldn’t be jeopar- of German) about the loss of his IMost of the productions that dised entirely by the chance of a dead brother – in the questionably I’ve seen have left me feeling dull audience. Alcock’s signature suitable medium of hip-hop. a little flat. Everyone talks Cantabrian blend of absurd and Another brilliant sketch involved about the play’s darkness and awkward wit was raring to go, and three of the cast being interviewed black humour, or its brilliant enough to save them from an ADC to train seals. Each of the three complexity, or its Chekhovian theatre which was nowhere near could say only one word each in observation, but I don’t think capacity. order to create a sentence, and that I’ve ever really seen any Throughout the night we were the scene descended from the odd of that dragged out upon the presented with a series of ‘games’, to the absurd; from a bona fide stage. Mostly, it’s been perfectly the first of which required the interview to bona fide madness. good productions of romance, audience to call out random story Asked why they were interested tarnished by a wacky fool and a titles for Josh Higgott to run in looking after seals, the reply knotty, overlong subplot. With with. Understandably, he waited went something as follows: “but” none of it quite slotting together. for the most bizarre suggestion – “I” “read” “my” “father’s” “porn” I’m sure most directors start “The wizard that never was” – to “all” “the” “time” “and” “want” “to” off attempting to dig a little deeper, and push a little harder, into the play selected as the t was always It was undoubt- he premise be silent, but latest life-engulfer. In the case going to be a Macbeth edly an ambitious for Silent Silent Canonfire never was. of Twelfth Night, this involves a adc larkum studio Idifficult feat to corpus playroom project, and aspects TCanon- Certain dissection of the sickness within pull off. Macbeth,  of the produc- fire, a  physical tricks the play. The majority of the in the Corpus tion were well “COMPLETELY could be quirk- characters are damaged in some Playroom, in an conceived, with SILENT swashbuckling PIRATI- ily ingenious: a mutual striptease, way, and desperately seek solace. hour and a half: not an ideal combi- minimal lighting used to impres- CAL ADVENTURE”, is at first with each layer of clothing reveal- Such severity of sickness led to a nation. And yet it started so well, sive effect during the culminating thoroughly perplexing. To devise a ing another comic quip, culminated modernisation which transports with eerie sounds creeping from fight scene. On the whole, however, noiseless pirate comedy and then in a kiss in which ‘Nom nom nom the production worlds away all three corners of this notoriously it proved to be only partially wad it into the cell-sized Larkum nom’ was printed on the male from the perils of comic dress difficult space, producing a disori- realised, an admirable interpreta- Studio strikes one as maniacally partner’s back. This was the best of and unintentional humour. Our entating effect that provided an tion let down by confused delivery daft. Yet the boggling zaniness some witty and inventive pieces of actors perform in modern dress, excellent introduction for the weird and a puzzling take on the play’s of this concept only extends as staging, but the all-too-snug studio and all are playing characters sisters. central character. “The attempt… far as its rampantly punctuated space compressed what could have of their own ages. With no older So, what happened? Were their confounds us,” cries Lady Macbeth, description; the piece itself is quite been full-breathing farce into a generation looking over them, incantations really so foul, so reminding the audience of the reserved in its mute techniques. suffocated danse macabre. we see these young people fiendish, so damned ungodly that dangers of ambition. Director Its use of card messages as speech A dumbshow requires facial lost, alone, in their individual they couldn’t be spoken in clear Verity Jane Clements might have marks, jaunty music and slapstick over-expression to compensate for ailments. A 21-year-old alcoholic; English? It would seem so, their done well to pay her more atten- humour are mechanisms found in the absence of linguistic communi- a 20-year-old girl mourning the voices lost in the hurly-burly. This tion. david shone silent film. But Chaplin this is not, cation. James Swanton’s plethora death of her twin by dressing was a seemingly insurmountable michelle phillips mostly due to a problematic set of of gurns and disfigurements enliv- in his clothes; a young woman problem, with sloppy delivery theatrical obstructions. ened his beardy clown as much as petrified by grief a full year after conspiring against the produc- The music was a pleasing rattle George Potts moulded his prim her father and brother have died. tion’s players, who are clearly not of fiddle-ridden sea shanties; a Navy-pervert with effete distor- The humour of such characters without talent. score which would playfully oscil- tions, straight from the Kenneth needs to be elicited carefully, in Lawrence Dunn played an late between piping laments and Williams School of comedy. Yet a sharper, more dangerous place. extremely agitated Macbeth, but string-scraping lulls. Its scene- Max Levine – misplaced in a play The set had to reflect such one that lacked any sense of devel- colouring worked best in ‘The dependent upon caricature – was sickness: a large, white, roofless opment, leaving the effect of his Admiralty Headquarters’ skit, too reserved a hero to vault above Victorian building, rotting and downfall somewhat unconvincing. transposing ‘God Save the Queen’ the mannequin-status such a rusting and wrecked by the wind Both he and Mattin Biglari, playing into a villainous minor key. Yet in predictable narrative was bound to and the rain. Discoloured furni- Banquo, suffered from being rather habitually striking up mid-scene, have him act out. ture litters the space, along with too trumpet-tongued, and the the physical tumults became Even the successful characteriza- the remnants of an old Christ- overall effect tended all too often semi-awkward. tions were portraitures of dated mas tree and some rain-bleached towards bathos; Macbeth’s dagger The swathes of action void of goon figures, fervently used to decorations; even past symbols soliloquy was intoned with all the musical accompaniment highlighted distract from the lack of comic of celebration are rotten. The gravity of a Noel Coward cabaret. one of the show’s key problems: verve. The moments of theatrical costumes won’t have escaped the In fact, few of the actors seemed it wasn’t all that silent. Shuffles, brio were fleeting and the promised elements: the rain raineth every to be particularly adept at sustain- floor creaks, exhaling, inhaling; idiosyncrasies of “never before day. I hope, by raising sorrow’s ing the emotional intensity that the methods of a silent film failed seen theatre” were lost in favour of stakes, to find the edges of a this piece requires. Malcolm (Ben to translate suitably onto the half-baked whimsy. The director is play that have been eroded by Woodford) and Macduff (John stage. Buster Keaton can funnily fêted in Metro as a ‘genius’ for his decades of rosy-cheeked drunks Haidar) did manage to create an avoid having a house fall on him Bouncy Castle Hamlet, yet William and baffling fools – and, perhaps, interesting dynamic, providing the because the audience don’t hear the Seaward’s application of originally to allow Shakespeare’s extraor- only truly successful relationship clunky thump of timber; they are conceived comedy is nothing short dinary insight into the damaged in the production. Lady Macbeth detached from the reality of such of spurious. Silent Canonfire was human condition to infect the (Hannah Kennedy) was also a set-piece as they are from the essentially a theatrically botched audience a little deeper. excellent, however, presenting a fantastical violence of a cartoon. In silent film creaking its way through martin hutson convincing study in ambition and this, however, were audible traces a succession of foreseeable jokes. madness, and supplying a sense of wheezing and foot scrapes, Any craziness was superficial; the martin hutson directs twelfth night at of impending calamity that was which made you conscious you rest was silence. cambridge arts theatre, 15-20 Feb. conspicuously absent elsewhere. were watching a play. It tried to edward herring

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Varsity Crossword no. 521 Sudoku Kakuro

The object is to insert the numbers in the boxes to Fill the grid so that each run of squares adds up to the 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 18 Animals’ appendages heard stories satisfy only one condition: each row, column and 3x3 total in the box above or to the left. Use only numbers (5) box must contain the digits 1 through 9 exactly once. 1-9, and never use a number more than once per run (a 20 A miniscule part of a tomato, for number may reoccur in the same row in a separate run). instance (4) 21 Took out and ceded oddly to make 7 8 9 web jargon (3,2,3,2) 13 8 23 Apes gifts, holding a banana at first 8 1 10 (7) 7 2 8 5 3 12 24 Cautious mode of transport with 17 27 15 11 12 recycled fuel (7) 1 6 7 2 4 3 21 25 Show rest have come short (6) 18 26 Animal with painting equipment (6) 2 5 3 8 7 4

h Moor E h 17 7 5 1 8 2 6 ET 13 14 15 17 24 Moor E h Down ET 1 7 3 9 6 4 1 Deserve distinction, almost (5) 4 5 31 2 Come back about blanket (7) 16 17 18 19 3 A great man redesigning our sphere 3

2 G Ar BY MADE / www.puzzlemix.com (9) 5 Thicken hot material (5) G Ar BY MADE / www.puzzlemix.com 6 Blemish disrupting a thousand points The Varsity Scribblepad

20 21 22 (7) 7 Those who make up records, or so it seems (9) Hitori 10 Divided a mouthful to include one section (9) Shade in the squares so that no number occurs more 23 24 13 Painter’s accepting cash regularly than once per row or column. Shaded squares may not be horizontally or vertically adjacent. Unshaded squares from some people from Polynesia (9) must form a single area. 15 Financial support not distributed with a grape (9) 25 26 17 Early work by 11, instructing those repressed perhaps (4,3) 6 4 7 6 6 1 2 19 Relaxes idiots around two points (7) Wolf doing badly (5) 6 2 1 4 3 4 4 Across 11 Service the alternative for composer 21 (5,5) 22 Nun spun able alternative to Sad, and more so back inside (6) standard (5) 1 12 “13 18 by 11: 16 13 18 21. 9!”, for 4 2 3 1 6 5 7 4 Cut back on seafood, with starter of example, and stuff (4) cod not halibut (6) 13 Number concerning the outside (5) 1 6 4 2 7 2 3 8 Awkwardly erect and very quiet in Last issue’s solutions 14 Look back after morning place for Moor E h principle (7) those disarmed, perhaps (8) 2 7 3 5 6 3 1 ET 3 2 4 9 1 8 7 6 5 9 Show disapproval; be aware how to 3 9 7 3 5 3 6 3 7 Where you buy things to evaluate 8 9 7 8 6 4 5 3 2 1 16 2 6 10 11 17 5 7 4 4 1 3 6 avoid disappointment at the theatre? 16 6 5 1 7 3 2 4 9 8 physically (8) 1 3 4 2 6 7 2 6 1 6 5 4 4 4 6 2 5 7 9 1 8 3 15 (4,3) Crossword set by Hisashi. 3 1 5 6 4 5 2 6 3 1 3 5 8 3 1 2 6 9 7 4 1 5 2 2 4 3 6 10 7 1 9 3 8 4 6 5 2 7 6 2 3 4 1 4 6 3 2 7 4 5 Answers to last issue’s crossword (no. 520): 18 2 9 6 4 5 3 8 1 7 2 Pallindrones, 8 Nagasaki, 11 Hide, 12 Frame, 13 She, 14 Loci, 15 Mart, 16 Evade, 18 Unlisted, 21 Rage, 22 Isn’t, 23 Tearless, 26 Erato, 27 Swag, 28 Peed, 29 OXO, 30 Rooks, 32 Anna, 33 Pot Roast, 6 4 1 5 2 3 1 3 7 3 2 2 1 4 5 8 9 7 2 3 6 Across: 3

36 Cement Mixer. Down: 1 Nun, 3 Aha, 4 Deified, 5 Orca, 6 Ephemeral, 7 Greatness, 9 Ashen, 10 Solos, 17 Area, 18 Uninstall, 19 Integrate, 20 Tata, 23 Top Spot, 24 Radar, 25 Sexes, 31 Wants, 34 Owe, 35 Tit. 1 2 6 6 7 2 4 5 1 8 3 7 2 6 1 5 4 9 3 6 5 4 5 7 5 G Ar BY MADE / www.puzzlemix.com Sport Ed tors V nce Benn c and Ed Thornton Friday February 12th 2010 29 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk SPORT

FOOTBALL Sport in Pembroke’s weekend of two halves Brief Relegat on looms after league defeat, but the Plate st ll o ers hope

space on the right to make a pin-point delighted with the performance and focusing instead on the upcom- Table Tennis EMMANUEL cross which was duly tucked away. will be happy that they are not only ing crucial league matches against 6 As the teams emerged for the out of trouble at the bottom of the Fitz and Catz, as well as mounting The table tennis club won fi ve second half Pembroke’s prospects table but are now in a position from a defence of the Plate trophy which titles at the CDTTL League PEMBROKE were bleak, as was the weather. The which they can aim to fi nish in the they won last year. Invitation Tournament last 0 second half started in much the same top half of the table. Pembroke are A day later Pembroke would weekend. In a display of pure vein as the fi rst had ended – Emma going to need a lot more if they hope face Kings in a repeat of last year’s class the University team took having the majority of possession and to be playing PWC 1st division foot- Plate fi nal, a game that Pembroke on teams from around Cam- ATT GGTT the ability to capitalise on it. Pem- ball next season. hoped would give them to opportu- bridge and showed that they broke’s spirit was broken in the 50th The full-time whistle was wel- nity to retain their title and salvage have both top quality players There were only 3 points between minute when the ball fell to Parsons comed when it came. Captain Moji an increasingly dismal season. Tired and depth in all fi elds. Sasha Emma and Pembroke going into on the edge of the box and his scuffed Neshat said it was not possible legs didn’t hinder Pembroke, running Tsai was the number one seed this PWC Division 1 game, and it shot bobbled through to nestle just to “dissect the defeat”, and was out 2-1 victors over King’s. in the women’s singles and was vital for both teams. An under- inside the back post. At 4-0, Emma proved her worth winning the strength Pembroke side needed a were coasting and were encouraged Emma College AFC (4-4-2) Pembroke College AFC (4-4-2) singles as well as the doubles Goals: Clancy (2), Brown, Douglas (2), Parsons Goals: win to escape the relegation zone even more with the arrival of their Subs: Dickson, Gower, Rostom Subs: Paya, Cain with help from her teammate whilst Emma hoped to cement their Master, who had come to support Vanda Ho. In the Men’s singles place in next season’s top fl ight. from the sideline. and doubles draw, the top fi ve Pembroke aimed to build on their A corner kick gave them their University players and top two BELL good performance at Downing last next goal. Left-back Declan Clancy, MCGLYNN pairings were placed in the week by playing a physical game and who despite being described by his same half. Assier, Drake, Kitti- trying to restrict the more creative captain as “little” and “ratty”, rose passorn and Speed fell victim to MACCRANN BASHFORD LEGGETT KING attacking play of the Emma front well in the box to head home. He fi n- PUJARA HUGHES PEREZ CLANCY the unlucky draw but Hall still players. This tactic, however, never ished the game with two goals, not managed to take the singles and really got going as the boys in Blue quite managing the “perfect hat- SENGEDO NESHAT ESTORIK FRANCE the doubles titles with his team- BROWN STRETCH STOTHART WATTS started the game slowly and with- trick” (right foot, left foot, head), mate Yeung. out any real drive. Emma bossed the but will be pleased with his well- midfi eld from the fi rst whistle and deserved brace. YEUNG WHITBY within minutes Emma had found the Emma thoroughly deserved their DOUGLAS PARSONS net when a slick through-ball dis- win, outclassing Pembroke all over sected the Pembroke defence and the pitch. Captain Tom Perez was Rugby left their striker free to slot the ball TIM SHERRINGTON between the keeper’s legs. More Emma dominance followed The women’s rugby team have and their build-up play created space continued their winning streak down the wings, where time and time by putting 70 points past Not- again the Pembroke defence lacked tingham. In a game that saw the pace to prevent the Emma wing- twelve tries Laura Britton ers getting in behind. Inevitably, this was the stand out player. What stylish attacking play led to a goal makes this match interesting is from Brown. not the fi nal score but the fact Pembroke weren’t without oppor- that the Blues were fielding tunities, however. After the second most of their reserves. With goal they rallied and started to string this show of talent many of the passes together. Their hard-work starting team will be worrying paid off on the half-hour mark with about their places as we get a good chance which was fi red over closer and closer to the Varsity from 8 yards out. From that point on, match on March 6th. though, the fi rst half was all Emma’s. Just before halftime a defensive lapse gave the Emma winger time and Local Sport RUGBY

Histon’s teenage defender Callum Stewart has asked his Clare cause upset in rugby Cuppers coach, Alan Lewer, to drop him from the team following a diffi - cult match. In a 3-3 draw against D v s on 3 CCK knock out D v s on 1 Down ng n shock f xture Hayes & Yeading, Stewart was to blame for at least one of the that was lacking in the complacent the wing from Tom Donovan as well penalty and another try from winger opposition’s goals and was taken favourites. proving they know when to take the Donovan, CCK were home and dry. off at half time; no wonder his CCK 18 What is most amazing about this points by successfully opting to take Downing will be frustrated at the confi dence was shaken. He has result is that it did not come from a three points from a kickable pen- unexpected result but it was a fair asked to play for the reserves in single, wild break-away try, but from alty. The mentality of keeping your one; regardless of their division the an attempt to help him regain DOWNING 5 consistent and measured rugby. opponents boxed in whilst making favourites were not the best team his confidence. Lewer has Both CCK and Downing are proud sure the scoreboard is ticking over on the day and if they couldn’t stop praised the youngster’s open- of their packs and unlike many col- is a mature one for a third division CCK they deserve to go out. ness saying ““He doesn’t have VA IT O T lege teams they both put out an College team but CCK proved they The next round will bring fur- to apologise. He’s young and eligible front row week in week out, were up to the challenge. ther challenges for CCK who will these mistakes are part of the CCK, a third division team made up allowing contested scrums. On this As the game progressed the come- most likely take on Hughes Hall in learning process.” The world of of players from King’s, Clare and occasion the less experienced pack back that Downing fans expected the quarter fi nals. However, if this professional football could learn Corpus, have beaten fi rst division were the stronger and drove Down- never arrived. CCK now had the result has taught us anything about something from Stewart’s hon- Downing causing the first major ing back several times. Downing still wind on their backs and kept Down- Cuppers rugby it is that it’s unpre- esty, but of course, they won’t. upset of Cuppers 2010. CCK have took fi rst blood, with a breakaway ing pinned in their corners with a dictable. Who knows, perhaps CCK now won two matches in Cuppers, try, but in true professional form mixture of long kicks, diligent chas- can do the unthinkable and win fi rst defeating Fitz, whilst Downing, CCK slowly worked their way out of ing, and strong rucking. their side of the draw, knocking out as a seeded team, were given a bye the defi cit using intelligent kicking The CCK forwards didn’t tire Hughes Hall and John’s, to reach into the fi rst round. On the day the and a blitz defence to keep Down- either and their scrums and lineouts the fi nal. With less than four weeks Head to varsity.co.uk for more sport, including full reports on table tennis, underdogs deserved their win, play- ing out of the game. By half time were dominant all the way until the to go CCK are going to be worth women’s rugby, and Pembroke vs. King’s ing with aggression and team spirit CCK had managed to score a try on final whistle. With a second half watching. 30 Friday February 12th 2010 Sport Ed tors V nce Benn c and Ed Thornton SPORT www varsty co uk sport@varsty co uk Modern JON ANDERSON Pentathlon

Ever heard of it? Tom Woolford meets the Cambridge team to fi nd out how this modern twist on an ancient classic works

The pentathlon was frst contested over 2,700 years ago It conssted of the fve areas n whch Spartan solders ought to excel runnng, umpng, aveln, dscus, and wrestlng Introduced to the 5th modern Olympad n Stockholm’s 1912 games, the epthet ‘modern’ was added to denote that the sport now reflected the sklls and abltes of the nneteenth-century solder Runnng was the only retaned dscplne swmmng was the addtonal athletc pursut, umpng was now performed on the back of a horse, throwng was replaced wth shootng, and the combatve element was now represented by fencng The founder of the modern Olympc movement, Perre de Coubertn, was delghted to both devse and ntroduce a competton of “great mportance” that tested “a man’s moral qualtes as much as hs physcal resources and sklls, producng thereby the deal, complete athlete ” The sport has been ncluded n the Olympcs ever snce, wth a women’s dscplne ntroduced n the 2000 Sydney games

Setting the Scene: You, a nine- commandeer an unfamiliar horse, teenth-century cavalryman, are lost riding it quickly through treacher- without horse and comrades behind ous terrain; and fi nally run for your enemy lines. Your only means of life, neutralising enemy soldiers escape is, within just a few intense with your trusty rifl e en-route. Now hours, to fi ght valiantly with your codify... sword; swim across a raging torrent; 1. FIGHT: 2. SWIM: 3. RIDE: 4. & 5. RUN & SHOOT: Fencing 200m Freestyle Horse Jump Staggered10m Pistol shooting

Reach for your épée sword and Desperate to escape you shed your Entering an enemy stable, you In 2008 the sport’s governing First, you take your 4.5mm cali- engage in mortal combat by spar- armour and launch yourself across commandeer an unfamiliar but fi ne- body, UIPM, combined these two bre single shot air pistol and, with ring with all the other competitors the river (swimming pool). No par- looking steed (horses provided by disciplines to create a single spec- unlimited ammunition, have to hit in a round-robin format. One hit ticular stroke required; you go as the organisers and lots drawn before tacle like the winter games’ biathlon fi ve targets at a 10m distance. decides each round so every time its quickly as you can freestyle over the event). Twelve obstacles (up to equivalent. Then, abandoning gun, you tra- a tense and skilled encounter. 200m. For a maximum 1000 points, 120cm in height) stand between you Your points from the fi rst three verse a kilometre before negotiating Each duel gets more frenzied you make it across in 150 seconds. and your destination spread over a events are now calibrated into dif- a fresh set of fi ve targets. Another towards the end of its one-minute Michael Phelps may have had over singularly foreign c.400m stretch. ferent starting times (think John kilometre follows. Five more tar- duration as a no-hit draw registers 45 seconds to towel himself dry by And time is not on your side: a clock Anderson in the nineties’ show gets. Finally, with your brain and a defeat for both combatants. Win at then, but it is still a huge ask. Every (set by the tournament organisers) Gladiators: “You will go on my fi rst body fully spent in your desperate least 70% of these fi ghts to register second over 2:30 costs you 12 points counts down the valuable seconds whistle...” etc). counter-attacking escape, you sprint a 1000-point maximum, with every from that maximum. that determine your fate. Once you’re off, it’s a race to the one more kilometre to be hailed as defeat costing you precious points. Make it unscathed and in the time end. No more points. No more a hero behind the lines of your own allowed for 1200 points, but each prizes. No more breathers. It all cul- army. A gold medal immortalises knock-down, refusal, fall and delay minates in this one, fi nal event of the your achievements on that fateful saps away expensively at your haul. day: Death or glory. day. The Sport in Cambridge

In line with the distinction that the BUCS individual and team compe- to contact [email protected]. father of the modern Olympic move- tition has also been developed, now ac.uk to try out Modern Pentath- ment attached to the sport, Modern including venerable institutions lon without even paying an annual Pentathlon is honoured with a full such as Durham, Leeds, Liverpool, subscription. Blue status in both a men’s and wom- last year’s ladies’ champions Bath, To see Modern Pentathlon stars en’s team event. The annual Varsity and men’s champions Manchester. Brad Dixon and Hannah Darcy in match will be contested for the There are various training sessions action in Varisty’s SuperSports com- 53rd time next month in Tunbridge for all of the sport’s fi ve disciplines petition check out varsiTV.co.uk Wells. But over the last decade, a and interested persons are invited SAM GAGE

Think you could do be er? We’re looking for sport writers and photographers. If you’d like to work for us, get in contact with our Sport Editors at [email protected] Sport Ed tors V nce Benn c and Ed Thornton Friday February 5th 2010 31 sport@varsty co uk www varsty co uk SPORT

RUGBY Hawks Club are helped to victory over Kew Wth some help from ther frends the Hawks defeated the oldes n a tght fxture

man lineout which completely baf- helped his team to victory too with same mark. defending team often relied on last HAWKS fl ed the Kew forwards. Well built, four tries, each similar to the last; The tipping point on the day ditch tackles rather than an impen- 38 phase-by-phase rugby was scarce following up a teammate’s break Gil- might have been Stewart ‘Bus’ Eru, etrable line of tacklers big ball but the poor defensive discipline on bert would take a short pass running Blues captain in 2003, who arrived carriers can make all the difference. KEW both sides meant that gaps opened at full tilt and crash over the line with Kew but ended up playing The match ended 38-34 in favour of 34 up all over the park, allowing some before anyone could get near him. for the Hawks. His sheer size and the home side but this was swiftly fl air attacking to shine through. The The close score line was not down power were hard to defend against forgotten as both teams headed to lack of structure that provided the to a hard fought match but due to and every time he had the ball it the post-match celebrations at the D TONTON gaps also offered the possibility of neither team really keeping score took at least two defenders to bring Hawks Club. one-off big hits and these were seen and eventually ending up around the him down. In a match where the In a match littered with big names scattered unexpectantly throughout PAT CROSSLEY and exciting tries the Hawks beat the match. some of their former members In the fi rst half, before fatigue despite a complete lack of organisa- set in, the tries were normally fast tion. It was obvious from the start and came from depth. The Kew full that this was not the most serious back even took the ball from inside fi xture, the new Hawks shirts had a his own half and managed to use his blazer and tie printed on them and somewhat over exaggerated side- only a handful of them were fi lled step to beat a host of players to score with Hawks; most of the team con- a fi fty metre try. As the game went sisted of players rounded up on the on, the pace slowed and whenever day by captain Jamie Gilbert. Kew the whistle was blown everyone was Occasionals, who had brought a host happy to take the minute breather. of ex-Blues to Oxford Road includ- There were injuries on both sides ing thrice winning Cambridge Blue too; this forced the teams to play Richard Bartholomew and the infa- with fewer than the traditional fi f- mous Oxford U21 captain Phil Boon, teen men making the disjointed were similarly disorganised and match even more open and the play- seemed to be concentrating on the ers even more out of breath. This night ahead rather than the game at doesn’t mean that the points stopped hand. coming, only that they were more Despite all of this, both sides man- sporadic. aged to score some spectacular tries Blue Ed White managed to dance and provide the small crowd with an through the Kew backline, even entertaining afternoon in the fog. with the injury he had picked up and Set plays were generally messy, his give-away giggle as he threw with the exception of the Hawks fi ve the dummy. Captain Jamie Gilbert Jame Hood breaks through as fellow Blue Jame Glbert struggles to run hs trademark supportng lne Varsity Bio Varsity SuperSports Varsity Bio 7 Sports 5 Events 1 SuperSport The Events Leader Board

Five events put our athletes through tests upper body strength, the ath- SPORT their paces, testing vital sporting letes hurling a large cylindrical SS SCORE attributes. We record the results for tackle pad as far as they can – awk- Rugby 25.604 each athlete then send them to the ward as well as heavy. 100m sprint mathmos at Varsity who work out an is designed to discover speed, whilst Hockey 24.327 overall SuperSports score for each the Bleep Test is all about endurance. competitor. The Standing Jump tests Finally, Limbo tests fl exibility – and Pentathlon 24.15 lower body strength. The Bag Throw is generally just quite amusing. Football 22.998 Name Brad D xon Name Hannah Darcy Sport Modern Sport Modern Pentathlon Week 4: Modern Pentathlon Pentathlon

College Tr n ty This is Week 4, Sport 4, of Varsity that these ‘super’ athletes should be not in terms of strength, both ath- College St Catz Heght/Weght Sport’s newest competition. Each well suited to our diverse tests. letes posting disappointing scores Heght/Weght week we’re taking a male and a female Representing the men is Brad in the standing jump and bag throw. 185cm/76kg competitor representing a Blues Dixon, whilst stepping forward on However, recovery came thanks to 160cm/55kg sport and putting them to the test. the women’s behalf in Hannah Darcy. very respectable scores for both in Five events assess specifi c sporting Darcy explained why she feels her the 100m and Bleep Test, ensuring attributes: speed, strength, stamina sport is the most demanding, inform- the Modern Pentathlon scored rea- RESULTS and fl exibility will all be measured. ing us that: “In the ancient Olympic sonably well. RESULTS One of the more unconventional games, the winner of the pentathlon Darcy in particular showed that Standng Jump 188cm sports willing to accept our challenge was crowned the Victor Ludorum – she is an all-round athlete, jumping Standng Jump 1676cm was the Modern Pentathlon. For the overall winner of the games. In into fi rst place amongst the women Lmbo 100cm those of you unfamiliar with the sport the words of Aristotle: ‘the most per- competitors. Overall the Modern Lmbo 100cm Bag Throw 2895cm check out what it involves on page 30. fect sportsmen, therefore, are the Pentathlon narrowly missed out on Bag Throw 1675cm Unlike the other sports we have fea- pentathletes because in their bodies climbing into second position, fi nish- 100m 1359 secs tured in this competition, the Modern strength and speed are combined in ing just behind Hockey. 100m 1484 secs Bleep Test Level 1210 Pentathlon is the only one which is beautiful harmony.’” Next week it’s the turn of Boxing’s Bleep Test Level 128 actually multi-disciplinary, meaning Deep, but is it true? Apparently Chris Webb and Heley Matthews.

SuperSports Score: 25.59 You can watch vdeos of ths week’s compettors by checkng out h p//wwwvars tv SuperSports Score: 22.71 couk/ep sode/bhyzb5 32 Friday February 12th 2010 Sport Ed tors V nce Benn c and Ed Thornton Sport wwwvars tycouk sport@vars tycouk

The Modern The Hawks take Pentathlon, on Kew and what’s t all CCK defeat about Down ng n the Cup Featurep30 SPORT Rugbyp29,31

FOOTBALL Fitz fuming, Jesus jubilant in Cuppers A controvers al penalty deep nto stoppage t me allows Jesus to go on and w n n extra-t me

ED THORNTON JESUS 4 FITZWILLIAM 2

O  T

All bets were off. With Fitzwilliam 2-1 up and looking comfortable and the time on the clock approach- ing three fi gures, the numerous members of the student press assembled at Fitz’s Oxford Road sports ground had already penned their fi nal paragraphs when Billy centre-back Marc Stettler was controversially adjudged to have handled inside his own area. This gave Jesus forward Michael Johnson, one of nine of the Univer- sity team squad in action yesterday at Oxford Road, the chance to take the game into extra time. The Blues’ The moment Jesus forward and Blue Michael Johnson slo ed his penalty past Fitz keeper and captain James Gillingham captain made no mistake from the spot, and Jesus took a foothold in a cuppers match but also counted as centre stage as he would go on to do power over fi nesse and was right to Jesus College AFC (4-4-2) Goals: Johnson (2), Laakso, Avery game which had been all but lost. a league game following the tie’s at the end of the ninety minutes. The do so, Falcons’ captain Chris Ellis Subs: Knight (Gerret), Farrell (Sanders) They didn’t let it go and only 8 postponement for a frozen pitch home side’s Mike Shiel, in his fi rst in goal diverting the ball into the minutes before penalties would last week. game since before Christmas, fi rstly net as Fitz took a 2-1 lead. Thus have been required, the away side’s With four University players had a goal disallowed for offside with it stayed until the much-debated Aki Laakso bundled through a mesh on Fitz’ side and fi ve representing two full-backs seemingly playing penalty. ELLIS of defenders and the ball somehow Jesus adding extra spice to the rich him on, and then won a free-kick on Fitz’s grievances appeared found itself at his feet with only footballing histories of each College, the edge of the penalty area when genuine: the referee’s claim that Fitz goalkeeper and Captain James no inch was given from the off as most were convinced he had been Stettler had made a ‘voluntary’ ROUSE GWYTHER CANAVAN CELIZ Gillingham to beat. Laakso didn’t personal rivalries spilled into the felled inside. movement toward the ball with falter and put his team ahead for College arena. The match unsurpris- Yet the offi cial incurred the ire of his arm was contentious to say the GERRET TAYLOR AVERY SANDERS the first time in an hour. Jesus ingly developed into an intriguing both teams and sets of supporters, least, and six minutes of injury- midfi elder Avery later swept a clini- contest. Blues Laakso and Johnson waving his cards around like it was time had been played before it was cal strike into the top corner in the led the Jesus line but received going out of fashion. Avery’s yellow given. In such a hard-fought game dying seconds, and Fitz were left little change out of the command- card for diving, surely a fi rst in of high-quality, however, luck was JOHNSON LAAKSO demoralised. ing Fitz centre-halves, while Fitz’s College football, left the Jesus team perhaps always going to be the By this time, the home side were own Blues’ striker, Danny Kerrigan, livid and the Fitz fans in stitches. As decisive factor. Jesus made the playing with 10 men, after centre- could rarely disturb the compo- his captain commented later, “oddly most of theirs and it would have been Fitzwilliam College AFC (4-4-2) half and human battering-ram Tom sure of Gwyther and Canavan at as a direct result of that foul and hard to deny either side victory. The Goals: Gamsu, Bulmore Johnson had limped off following the other end. In miserable condi- dive, the alleged ‘diver’ has lost two victors’ captain Canavan comments Subs: Georgiou (Cox), Ayres (Shiel), Shalabi (Gamsu) one crunching tackle too many as tions, the central midfi eld battle was toe-nails”. summed it up: “It was a great game Fitz piled forward. It could have fi erce enough that the vocal crowd Fitz quickly regained focus after of football; big tackles, quality been so different. Billed as “The resisted hiding inside the pavilion half-time, and the deserved equaliser football, six goals, extra-time, and GILLINGHAM most important match in the history as the fl ying tackles of Fitz’s star came off the head of winger Harry some controversy thrown in. You of football in Cambridge. Ever”, the pairing of Burrows and Hartley Gamsu, who sneaked in at the far can’t ask for much more than that.” contest lived up to its name. The were matched by those of Avery post from a Wolke free-kick. All of a In terms of the league, both teams BULMORE JOHNSON STETTLER COX fi nest footballers of Fitzwilliam and and Taylor for Jesus. sudden, Kerrigan was fi nding space, receive a point a piece. Yet neither Jesus Colleges gave everything in It was Jesus who drew fi rst blood, Hartley had stamped his author- Jesus nor Fitz will care about the a match that had it all: goals and Laakso breaking on the left and ity, and another goal lay in wait. dropped points. The winner was WOLKE BURROWS HARTLEY GAMSU cards, passion and controversy, slotting a low pass across the box to A poor clearance could only reach always going to become hot favou- and no shortage of quality. This Blues captain Michael Johnson, who Fitz’s retreating right-back Rich rites for the cuppers title, and was everything you could want in knocked the ball home with aplomb Bulmore just outside the Jesus box. Jesus will be convinced that they SHIEL KERRIGAN a cup-tie and more – appropriate, on 12 minutes. Fitz came back with Finding himself one-on-one with the can make up for last year’s penalty as it was not only a second round a vengeance, but the referee took opposition keeper, Bulmore went for shoot-out heart-break come March.