OH, MY GODDESS! Book by Noah Margo & Philip Margo Music & Lyrics by Philip Margo, Noah Margo & Mitch Margo (With Additional Songs by Stephen Friedland)

OH, MY GODDESS! Book by Noah Margo & Philip Margo Music & Lyrics by Philip Margo, Noah Margo & Mitch Margo (With additional songs by Stephen Friedland)

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OH, MY GODDESS! Book by Noah Margo & Philip Margo Music & Lyrics by Philip Margo, Noah Margo & Mitch Margo (With additional songs by Stephen Friedland)

SYNOPSIS: Zeus punishes Aphrodite for her multiple indiscretions, including the Trojan War, by transforming her into a statue. Presently, said statue is stolen from a museum and dumped among other statues at a Greek- themed club. It is then that the uncomplicated world of engaged hair stylist, Lee Mason, becomes quite complicated as he puts his fiancée's ring on the statue of Venus, bringing it to life. The petrified Venus wreaks havoc in Lee's world, first landing him in hot water with the police who are looking for the “stolen” statue. Lee must resist the charms of the beguiling goddess, while at the same time, resisting arrest. To add to the melee, Lee's betrothed, Tillie, is put on Venus' “hit” list, the crooks are closing in on him and Lee's sultry dance instructor may become the other-“other woman” in Lee's life. Will Lee find happiness and serenity? Will Venus get un-stoned? Only the Gods can tell. COPY CAST OF CHARACTERS (9-10 females, 9-10 males, 1 either, 6-40 ensemble)

LEE MASON (m) ...... Early 30s; urban entrepreneur. (217 lines) VENUS (f) ...... 25-45; irresistible deity. (104 lines) TILLIE (f) ...... NOT early 30s ; girl-next-door, independent. (62 lines) PROFESSOR FREEMOULT (m/f) ... Early 40s; College professor. (14 lines) JAMES (m) ...... Early 30s; Lee’s close friend and womanizer. (36 lines) BELLA (f)DO ...... 25-35; feisty & independent. (11 lines) ADA (f) ...... Late 20s, exotic with a heart. (45 lines) DETECTIVE VARGAS (f) ...... 30-40; all business & by the book. (37 lines) THE COUNTESS (f) ...... Proper, British. (19 lines) BRADDLE (m) ...... 30-50; rough thug. (11 lines)

NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 3

GREEK TITANS/GODS: PROMETHEUS (m) ...... Greek Titan. (4 lines) MERCURY (m) ...... Greek God, young and fit, perhaps a bit lanky. (9 lines) SISYPHUS (m) ...... Greek Titan. (9 lines) IO (f) ...... 30-50; “Cow” Goddess. (6 lines) ATLAS (m)...... Greek Titan. (9 lines)

ENSEMBLE: (Minimum 3 females and 3 males) MR. COLLUM (m) ...... 50-60; Tillie’s father. (1 line) MRS. COLLUM (f) ...... 50-60; Tillie’s mother. (1 line) GRANDMA COLLUM (f) ...... 60-80; proper & strict. (13 lines) MR. MASON (m) ...... 50-60; Lee’s father. (1 line) MRS. MASON (f) ...... 50-60; Lee’s mother. (1 line) DJ FRANKIE JUPITER (m) ...... (1 line) SIRI (f) ...... Offstage or prerecorded voice. (3 lines) NARRATOR (m/f) ...... Offstage or prerecorded voice. (1 line) ZEUS (m) ...... Offstage or prerecorded voice. (1 line) TV ANNOUNCER (m/f) ...... Offstage orCOPY prerecorded voice. (1 line) RECORDED MESSAGE (m/f) .... Offstage or prerecorded voice. (1 line) OFFICER (m/f) ...... (Non-speaking.) MELODY (f) ...... Lee's assistant. (Non-speaking.) MRS. HOOVER (f) ...... Lee's client. (Non-speaking.)

ENSEMBLE: NOT GREEK CHORUS, LEE'S SALON PATRONS, BOUTIQUE ENSEMBLE, BAR ENSEMBLE, WEDDING PARTY GUESTS

DOCAST DOUBLING POSSIBILITIES

ATLAS can double as BRADDLE IO can double as THE COUNTESS

DURATION: 100 minutes SETTING: Mount Olympus and New York City TIME: Past and Present

4 OH, MY GODDESS!

MUSICAL SYNOPSIS

ACT ONE SCENE 1: TARTARUS SONG #1: ZEUS’ STOMP ATLAS, PROMETHEUS, SISYPHUS, MERCURY, IO, GREEK CHORUS

SCENE 2: THE DELPHI CLUB SONG #2: DANCE, DANCE, DANCE ADA, ENSEMBLE

SCENE 3: THE DELPHI CLUB – GARDENS SONG #3: TONIGHT I FELL IN LOVE LEE, STATUES

SCENE 4: LEE'S LOFT SONG #4: CREATURES OF DELIGHT VENUS

SCENE 5: LEE'S LOFT SONG #5: NO OLYMPIAN HEIGHT LEE, TILLIE

SCENE 6: LEE'S SALON COPY SONG #6: BEST DAMN HAIRDRESSER LEE, ADA, FREEMOULT, ENSEMBLE

SCENE 7: LEE'S SALON SCENE 8: ADA'S CLOTHING BOUTIQUE AND PUNT & PINT SPORTS BAR SONG #7: SHOP, SHOP,NOT SHOP/FOOTBALL NIGHT VENUS, TILLIE, JAMES, BOUTIQUE ENSEMBLE, BAR ENSEMBLE

SCENE 9: ALLEYWAY SONG #8: ODE TO THE CROOKED ROAD THE COUNTESS, BRADDLE SONG #8A:DO ODE TO THE CROOKED ROAD (REPRISE) THE COUNTESS, BRADDLE

SCENE 10: COLLEGE CLASSROOM SONG #9: OH, MY GODDESS! FREEMOULT, LEE, JAMES, ENSEMBLE

NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 5

ACT TWO SCENE 1: TARTARUS SONG #10: VENUS' ROMP ATLAS, PROMETHEUS, SISYPHUS, MERCURY, IO, GREEK CHORUS

SCENE 2: LEE'S SALON SCENE 3: LEE'S SALON SONG #11: BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE THE COUNTESS, BRADDLE, LEE, VENUS SONG #12: BE BOLD VENUS, LEE

SCENE 4: THE DELPHI CLUB SONG #13: I HEAR TRUMPETS BLOW LEE, TILLIE, ENSEMBLE SONG #14: NOBODY KNOWS (WHAT’S GOING ON IN MY MIND BUT ME) TILLIE, ENSEMBLE

SCENE 5: LEE'S SALON SCENE 6: THE DELPHI CLUB SONG #15: MADE FOR EACH OTHER ADA, TILLIE COPY SCENE 7: THE DELPHI CLUB – GARDENS SONG #16: ONLY IN MY DREAMS LEE, TILLIE, STATUES

SCENE 8: THE DELPHI CLUB – GARDENS SONG #17: SWEETLY TO YOU LEE, TILLIE SONG #18: DANCIN’NOT WITH YOU LEE, TILLIE, ENSEMBLE SONG #19: OH, MY GODDESS! (BOWS) INSTRUMENTAL

DO PRODUCTION NOTES

MUSICAL INTERLUDES can be used at Director’s discretion as needed between set changes.

A list of SOUND CUES are available at the end of the script.

6 OH, MY GODDESS!

ACT ONE, SCENE 1

SETTING: Tartarus, night.

AT START: Curtains are down.

NARRATOR: The time is long ago enough. The place is Tartarus, the oppressive land of banishment for the Greek Titans who dared to oppose the almighty Zeus.

The grunts and groans of the punished characters begin to underscore the dialogue.

NARRATOR: Atlas, Sisyphus and Prometheus have been sentenced to an eternity of punishing tasks.

The curtains rise on the perfect form of ATLAS holding up the heavens. He is poised above the stage, atop a mountain like structure. Below him to the sides are SISYPHUS, the Greek COPYgod who struggles to push a giant boulder uphill and PROMETHEUS, who is chained to a cliff, where a bird eats his innards every day. MERCURY, IO, and GREEK CHORUS are silhouetted in the background.

SONG #1: ZEUS’ STOMP ATLAS, PROMETHEUS,NOT SISYPHUS, MERCURY, IO, GREEK CHORUS SOUND CUE 1

IO, SISYPHUS, ATLAS, PROMETHEUS, and GREEK CHORUS: (Grunting.) OOOO! (Struggling.)DO AHHH! (Wincing.) OOOO! (Grunting.) AHHHH!

THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR ANGERING ZEUS. IF YOU STOKE HIS FIRE YOU’LL CHOKE ON HIS IRE.

NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 7

IO, SISYPHUS, ATLAS, PROMETHEUS, and GREEK CHORUS: IRRITATE ZEUS AND HE’LL COOK YOUR GOOSE. ANTAGONIZE HIM AND YOU’RE FUTURE’S GRIM.

SISYPHUS (GREEK CHORUS): ZEUS SEDUCED AEGINA (OOH WA WA OOH) I TOLD HER FATHER, THE RIVER GOD, (OOH WA WA OOH, OOH WA WA OOH) WHEN ZEUS FOUND OUT HE CAME DOWN MIGHTY HARD. (OOH WA WA OOH, OOH WA WA OOH) AND NOW MY TRAINING WILL NOT END (OOH WA WA OOH)

GREEK CHORUS: THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ANGERING ZEUS IF YOU STOKE HIS FIRE YOU’LL CHOKE ON HIS IRE OOH WA WA OOH

ATLAS (GREEK CHORUS): I AM A TITAN ZEUS WAS THE GOD I FOUGHT WITH EAGER PRIDE (OOH WA WA OOH, OOH WA WA OOH) THEN FOUND OUT D CHOSE THE LOSING SIDE OH COPYWA WA OOH OH WA WA OOH I I’ (O , O ) AND NOW THE SKY IS MINE TO TEND (OOH WA WA OOH, OOH WA WA OOH)

ATLAS, PROMETHEUS, SISYPHUS, and IO: OO WAH OO

AND SO IT WOULD APPEAR THAT WE’LL BE SLAVING HERENOT UNTIL THE END OF TIME ZEUS TREATS US SO UNFAIR WHY IS HE UNAWARE THE PUNISHMENT DOESN’T FIT THE CRIME

PROMETHEUS:DO I STOLE ZEUS’ FIRE SO I COULD GIVE IT TO THE HUMAN RACE I THOUGHT MY GIFT WOULD BE A SAVING GRACE BUT NOW MY LIVER IS A MEAL

GREEK CHORUS: IRRITATE ZEUS AND HE’LL COOK YOUR GOOSE ANTAGONIZE HIM AND YOU’RE FUTURE’S GRIM 8 OH, MY GODDESS!

A “cow” (IO) ambles onto stage. She is wearing horns and a “got milk” Tee-shirt.

SISYPHUS: ZEUS DESIRED IO

IO: (Indicating herself. Spoken.) That’s me.

IO: (Singing.) AND KNEW THAT HERA WOULDN’T GET IN LINE SO I WAS TURNED INTO A THING BOVINE I GOT THE RAW END OF THE DEAL (Spoken.) Mooo.

GREEK CHORUS: THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ANGERING ZEUS IF YOU STOKE HIS FIRE YOU’LL CHOKE ON HIS IRE

IRRITATE ZEUS AND HE’LL COOK YOUR GOOSE ANTAGONIZE HIM COPY AND YOU’RE FUTURE’S GRIM

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ANGERING ZEUS IF YOU STOKE HIS FIRE YOU’LL CHOKE ON HIS IRE

IRRITATE ZEUS NOT AND HE’LL COOK YOUR GOOSE ANTAGONIZE HIM AND YOU’RE FUTURE’S GRIM

OO WAH OO DO MERCURY races onto the stage. He is the winged messenger of the Gods but is more like a gossip. He is thin and tattle-tale-ish.

PROMETHEUS: What’s the good word, Herman? MERCURY: (Shakes his head.) It’s Hermes, Prometheus, but I prefer Mercury. Like my planet. ATLAS: (Shrugging.) You know what they say... tiny planet, tiny granite. NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 9

MERCURY: Be that as it may, or may not, the word is that Venus, our erstwhile Goddess of Love, gave the beautiful and much sought after Helen, Queen of Sparta to Prince Paris of Troy thus starting the Trojan war. Zeus is furious. Lightning bolts everywhere. ATLAS: (Grunting.) Heavy.

They all shoot ATLAS a look. He shifts the weight of the sky on his shoulders.

SISYPHUS: Maybe it’s time Zeus dropped the other sandal on her. ATLAS: Come on, Sisyphus. He’s been making excuses for his precious Aphrodite... MERCURY: (Correcting him.) Ahhh, she prefers Venus... ATLAS: His precious (Making air quotes.) “Venus'” indiscretions since she cheated on Hephestus. GREEK CHORUS: The blacksmith god. He was hairy and not much to look at. SISYPHUS: Don’t forget her dalliance with Adonis. PROMETHEUS: She doth sleepeth around.COPY IO: There was the horrible hazing she gave Psyche just because she eclipsed Venus’ beauty. ATLAS: Not to mention the torrid affair Psyche was having with Cupid. She even sent Psyche straight to Hades. PROMETHEUS: Jealousy... GREEK CHORUS: TheNOT green-eyed monster. (Scary.) Oooooo. SISYPHUS: She couldn’t even see that Psyche and Cupid were in love. ATLAS: Doesn’t matter. The worst Zeus will do to... (Making air quotes.) “Venus” is make her check in to Delphi for therapy. SISYPHUS:DO Atlas is right. She’ll be given a mountain villa with her own musicians and all the nectar she can drink. GREEK CHORUS: Sex, drugs... SISYPHUS: And rock and roll. MERCURY: Ahem... Excuse me, oh shirtless (Sniffs.) and sweaty ones... there is talk of banishing Venus until she understands the meaning of true love. IO: (Coughing.) Bullshit. 10 OH, MY GODDESS!

SISYPHUS: Ipso facto. She gets a pardon and we get eternal detention. ATLAS: (Shifting gears.) Herman? Can you hold this for a second? MERCURY: Who do you think I am? Hercules?

ATLAS leans his burden toward MERCURY.

ATLAS: Come on. I need to adjust my loin cloth. MERCURY: Show off.

MERCURY throws an eye dart at ATLAS then vanishes in a cloud of smoke. SOUND CUE 2: Thunder clap

GREEK CHORUS: Flash forward to last Wednesday.

Blackout. DIRECTOR’S NOTE: During the blackout, the Greek Chorus can remove their robes/togas and be used as the ensemble for the following dance class scene. COPY

ACT ONE, SCENE 2

SETTING: The Delphi Club, night. The present.

AT START: The wordsNOT “Last Wednesday” appear on the remaining mist (or curtain).

SONG #2: DANCE, DANCE, DANCE ADA, ENSEMBLE SOUND DOCUE 3

The lights come up on a flashy contemporary nightclub. Dozens of couples are moving to the up-tempo song. LEE is wearing a puzzled expressions as he is being “seductively led” around the dance floor by ADA, a dance instructor who in between steps is correcting other couples. One of the couples include JAMES and BELLA. PROFESSOR FREEMOULT is also attending the dance class. ADA NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 11

continues flirting as she dances with LEE. In a particularly sexy move, LEE disengages himself.

LEE: Excuse me, Ada. One sec. (Crosses to JAMES, who is dancing with BELLA. To JAMES.) Jimmy, can you tell me why my dance lesson is turning into a scoring drive and I think Ada’s going for the two point conversion?

JAMES swings BELLA out.

JAMES: (Copping to it.) Okay... this is probably my bad, but Bella wouldn’t go out with me unless I brought along a friend for her sister. LEE: (Incredulously.) So, I’m a date? I can’t be a date.

BELLA comes back and JAMES swings her out again.

JAMES: Look, Bella told me that Ada just ended a relationship. It turns out that she was the other woman and didn’t know. LEE: The guy she was dating was married?COPY JAMES: Yeah. It’s right out of a soap opera. He said he would leave his wife for her. That didn’t go over too well. So, there was a lot of cursing and then she aggressively returned the personalized iPad he bought her. And by aggressively I mean she gave it to him outside... and they were standing inside. LEE: (Reflecting.) WhatNOT a putz. JAMES: So you can understand... she needs a decent guy who isn’t a douche bag just to be a friend and if anyone isn’t douche baggy, it’s you.

BELLA comesDO back to JAMES. ADA grabs LEE and continues dancing. During this section ADA starts with LEE but then winds up instructing most of those on the floor. Many wind up dancing with others and eventually LEE winds up back with ADA.

ENSEMBLE: SUENALO!

ADA: HEAR THE MUSIC FEEL THE BEAT 12 OH, MY GODDESS!

THE PARTY’S JUST BEGUN

ENSEMBLE: SUENALO!

ADA: CLAP YOUR HANDS AND STOMP YOUR FEET COME ON AND JOIN THE FUN

ENSEMBLE: SWING

ADA: COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON NI NA NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW LO LO LO LO LO LO LO LO LO LO LO LO LO LO

HOLD YOUR PARTNER CLOSE TO YOU AND KEEP YOUR BODY LINE COPY ENSEMBLE: SUENALO!

ADA: WHAT YOU DO IS START ON TWO BE SURE TO STEP ON TIME

ENSEMBLE: NOT SWING

ADA: COME ON, COME ON COME ON, COME ON, NI NOW NOWDO NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW

ENSEMBLE: SWING

ADA: LO LO LO LO LO LO LO LO LO LO LO LO LO LO

ADA and ENSEMBLE: NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 13

SUENALO, SUENALO SUEN-ALO SUENALO, SUENALO SUEN-ALO SUENALO, SUENALO SUEN-ALO SUENALO, SUENALO SUEN-ALO

COPY

NOT DO 14 OH, MY GODDESS!

ADA and ENSEMBLE: (Continued.) DANCE, DANCE, DANCE EVERYBODY CLAP YOUR HANDS DANCE, DANCE, DANCE EVERYBODY CLAP YOUR HANDS

During the instrumental interlude ADA breaks away from LEE.

ADA: (Spoken.) Alright everyone, change partners!

ADA moves on to FREEMOULT.

ADA: (Spoken.) You’re really looking good Professor.

FREEMOULT nods and smiles. LEE is now dancing with BELLA.

BELLA: (To LEE. Spoken.) Thank’s for hanging with Ada tonight? LEE: (Spoken.) Uh, yeah, sure. I’m learning a lot. ADA: (Watching LEE.) Very nice, now turn and switch. COPY LEE turns BELLA and ADA takes her place mid-spin.

ADA: (To ALL.) Toss in a little Cuban hip. (To LEE.) You’re really good.

ADA wraps both her armsNOT around LEE and pulls herself body on body. She starts to dance more seductively and passionately, physically coming on to him.

ENSEMBLE: SUENALODO!

ADA: LET THE BEAT ENFOLD YOU WITH ITS RHYTHM AND ITS FIRE

ENSEMBLE: SUENALO!

NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 15

ADA: MOVE AND GROVE AND SWING AND SWAY TO FAN THE FLAMES UP HIGHER

ENSEMBLE: SWING

ADA: COME ON, COME ON COME ON, COME ON, NI NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW

ENSEMBLE: SWING

ADA: LO LO LO LO LO LO LO LO LO LO LO LO LO LO

ADA and ENSEMBLE: SUENALO, SUENALO SUEN-ALO SUENALO, SUENALO SUEN-ALO UENALO UENALO UEN ALO COPY S , S S - SUENALO, SUENALO SUEN-ALO

DANCE DANCE DANCE EVERYBODY CLAP YOUR HANDS DANCE DANCE DANCE EVERYBODY CLAP YOUR HANDS NOT DANCE DANCE DANCE EVERYBODY CLAP YOUR HANDS DANCE DANCE DANCE EVERYBODY CLAP YOUR HANDS

ADA bringsDO herself into a “dip” forcing LEE to bring himself close to her to keep her from falling.

LEE: (Resisting.) Ada, I can’t do this. ADA: (Protesting.) Oh, no, you did it perfectly. We’re making progress. Don’t you feel it?

ADA moves closer to LEE'S face. He gracefully stands her up and steps away from ADA’S heat. 16 OH, MY GODDESS!

LEE: I do. I’ve got to get some air.

LEE heads toward the exit. ADA stares at him and sighs disappointingly. A moment later SOUND CUE 4: Police sirens. Blackout.

ACT ONE, SCENE 3

SETTING: The Delphi Club gardens. Moments later.

AT START: Passing SIRENS are heard in the background. They are followed by flashing red and blue lights that quickly illuminate the gardens and then vanish. There are dozens of other GREEK and ROMAN deity statues such as SISYPHUS and MERCURY along with a half a dozen assorted musical CHERUBS that populate the grounds. Two thieves, known as BRADDLE and THE COUNTESS wheel in VENUS, who is still like a statue, wrapped inCOPY moving blankets.

BRADDLE: (Motions to a large shrub surrounded by the statues.) This okay, Countess? THE COUNTESS: (Nods.) Perfect. The epitome of hiding something in plain sight. BRADDLE: (Blankly.) ButNOT I can still see it. THE COUNTESS: (A beat, a look.) And when things cool down, we’ll come back for it.

BRADDLE carefully lowers the industrial hand truck. The object teeters and THEDO COUNTESS has to throw her weight into it to prevent the imminent disaster.

THE COUNTESS: Careful Braddle, there’s no demand on the black market for a barrel of marble chips.

They hide the statue in plain sight amongst the other statues. SOUND CUE 5: Rumble of thunder.

NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 17

ADA: (Offstage.) Lee, wait!

BRADDLE and THE COUNTESS turn to listen.

BRADDLE: Did you hear something? THE COUNTESS: (Nods head.) Let’s get in the wind.

They both grab hold of the moving blankets and pull off the heavy coverings to reveal the impressive statue of VENUS. THE COUNTESS and BRADDLE make a hasty exit as LEE enters. ADA is close behind. LEE and ADA stop at the statue of VENUS.

ADA: I couldn’t help myself. I’m so embarrassed. I don’t usually do that. LEE: You don’t have to be embarrassed. ADA: (Relieved.) I’m not used to rejection. LEE: Why would you be? But it’s not that. Didn’t Jimmy tell you anything about me? ADA: He told Bella that you were a greatCOPY guy and just needed to upgrade your dance moves. He was right, on both counts. LEE: And nothing about my (Beat.) fiancée? ADA: Your fiancée? Now I am embarrassed.

After an awkward pause LEE “combs” a stray lock of ADA’S hair away from her face with his fingers.NOT

ADA: (Slightly undone.) Hey... LEE: Forgive me... instinct. I’m a hairdresser. ADA: That, too? LEE: It wasn’tDO the plan. In college I worked at a salon to make extra money. I got to love the moment when the stylist turned the chair around and the clients saw a better version of themselves. ADA: (Indicating her hair.) Is there a better version of me? LEE: (Sincerely.) Probably not better, but maybe different. Come to my shop tomorrow and we’ll see what happens when I turn the chair around.

18 OH, MY GODDESS!

ADA reaches around his neck. LEE pulls away briefly until he realizes that she is putting his shirt collar down.

ADA: Instinct... I manage a clothing boutique. (Beat, changing gears.) So how did you meet her? Your fiancée. LEE: (A little hesitant, but giving in.) Her name is Matilda, by the way. But she goes by Tillie. ADA: (Digesting it.) Tillie. LEE: (Lights up as he goes into it.) I had fifty yard line seats at the playoffs. The game is getting intense, seconds left in the half. Long bomb, ball in the air. The Giants tight-end makes a diving one- handed grab right at the goal line for a touchdown. The stadium goes wild and I get doused with beer. ADA: No, way! LEE: So, I turned around and said, “What the f...” (Remembering fondly.) ...and there she was. An angel with a face painted blue and red. But all I could do was focus on a pair of exquisite hands that could have been sculpted by Michelangelo. They were holding the super-sized cup which was still drippingCOPY beer on me and I didn’ t care. And then I looked back at her face and I forgot about the beer and I forgot about the game. All I wanted to do was hold her in my arms. ADA: (Melancholy.) She really must be something. LEE: I wanted to propose on the spot but decided against because it struck me that I didn’tNOT even know her name. ADA: When did you propose? LEE: About six months later. I had been looking for a ring all that time with no luck. Then, one Thursday night we got caught in a downpour walking to the car in the stadium parking lot. We were getting drenchedDO and it reminded me a little bit of Singing In The Rain. I couldn’t dance so I just started singing an old Doo Wopp song.

NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 19

SONG #3: TONIGHT I FELL IN LOVE LEE, STATUES SOUND CUE 6

LEE and STATUES: DOM DOOBEE DOM WHOA OH DOOBEE DOOBEE DOM DOOBEE DOM WHOA OH DOOBEE DOOBEE DOM DOOBEE DOM WHOA OH TONIGHT I FELL IN LOVE WHOA OH

LEE: TONIGHT, TONIGHT I FELL IN LOVE I WANT THE STARS ABOVE TO KNOW TONIGHT I FELL IN LOVE

TONIGHT I GAVE MY HEART AWAY TRUE LOVE IS HERE TO STAY YES TONIGHT I FELL IN LOVE

STATUES: OH WHAT A WONDER COPY THIS MAGIC SPELL I’M UNDER THIS FEELING THAT I FEEL IS IT REALLY REAL MY HEART BEATS SO FAST I PRAY THAT IT WILL LAST

LEE and STATUES: TILL THE END OF TIME NOT

STATUES: DOM DOOBEE DOM WHOA OH DOOBEE DOOBEE DOM DOOBEE DOM WHOA OH DOOBEEDO DOOBEE DOM DOOBEE DOM WHOA OH TONIGHT I FELL IN LOVE

LEE: TONIGHT OH MAY IT LAST FOREVER FOREVER AND EVER CAUSE TONIGHT I FELL IN LOVE YES TONIGHT I FELL IN LOVE YES TONIGHT I FELL IN LOVE 20 OH, MY GODDESS!

LEE: (Spoken.) Anyways... after the song, I got down on one knee ...like a sort of... ADA: But how could you propose. You said you hadn’t found a ring. LEE: I didn’t mean to propose. However...

LEE takes out a ring box. He opens it up and shows the jewel to ADA.

ADA: I don’t understand. LEE: You will. ADA: May I?

LEE hands her the ring.

ADA: (Examining it.) It’s beautiful. This diamond looks like, what, two carats...? LEE: It is... and flawless... and it has a history. It’s the only remaining chip from the twenty–two carat Van Alden diamond. You can Google it. COPY ADA: I remember. I saw the story on an episode of “Curiouser And Curiouser.” It was a major scandal. Both the jeweler and the other twenty carats mysteriously vanished at sea. LEE: (Showing the diamond.) This belonged to Tillie’s great grandmother, Mrs. Louise Van Alden. ADA: How did you get NOTit?

LEE holds out his hand and ADA returns the ring.

LEE: Ahhh... I was on one knee... DO LEE gets down on his knee and stares longingly into the statue of VENUS' dead marble eyes.

LEE: (Intently, to the statue of VENUS.) ...but before I could say anything, Tillie got on one knee said, “yes, I love you” in fifteen languages... including Icelandic. Then she opened her hand and there it was. (Beat.) She said she carried it with her every time we NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 21

were together. She was just waiting for me to propose so she could finally put it on. I took it and slipped it on her finger. Like this.

LEE slides the ring onto the correct finger of the statue of VENUS' outstretched hand. SOUND CUE 7: Thunder. LEE looks skyward.

LEE: (More humorous tone.) But we both realized that Louise Van Alden had fat fingers so I had to have the ring resized. I just picked it up today for our formal engagement party this weekend. ADA: Sounds like a Hallmark movie I’d actually watch. (Beat.) Anyway, I gotta get back to class. Next time we’ll work on the waltz? LEE: Looking forward to it. ADA: Maybe I’ll see you at the salon. (Exits.)

LEE crosses to retrieve the ring. He tugs unsuccessfully at it for a moment.

LEE: This is not good. (Pulls harder on the ring but it doesn’t budge.) Are you kidding me? (To statue of VENUS.)COPY Stay. I’ll be right back.

LEE exits toward Delphi Club. SOUND CUE 8: Venus’ musical sting & thunder and the lights fade down. VENUS sashays offstage. Once VENUS has exited, the lights come back up. LEE enters with JAMES and FREEMOULT following. LEE is looking around the statues desperately. JAMES looksNOT impatiently at his watch.

LEE: (Approaching where VENUS' statue was.) I’m telling you, it was marble and it was right here. Right between Hera, the spear lady, and the guy with the funny Birkenstocks. FREEMOULT:DO Lee, I did my dissertation on this topic... (Pointing accordingly.) ...the spear lady is Athena and the guy with the funny Birkenstocks is Mercury or Hermes if you want to go Greek. And none of these are marble. They’re alabaster. LEE: Impossible. I absolutely put the ring on a marble statue. FREEMOULT: You’re clearly mistaken, unless, of course, the statue came to life and ran away. LEE: Maybe it fell off.

22 OH, MY GODDESS!

LEE drops to his knees and begins scouring the garden floor. JAMES joins him.

JAMES: (Impatiently to LEE.) Look, man, I got Bella in the car and my engine’s running. BELLA: (Enters.) Not anymore.

BELLA tosses JAMES the car keys. JAMES rolls his eyes.

BELLA: Did you guys find it yet? JAMES: Nope. LEE: Still looking. BELLA: Lee, don’t worry. We’ll stay here until you do. JAMES: (Checks his watch again. Deflated.) We will?

LEE stands up. JAMES follows.

LEE: (Flustered.) What am I gonna do now? It’s the Van Alden! FREEMOULT: You should call the police. COPY JAMES: (Remembering something.) Good and ask for Detective Melanie. She’s a friend of mine. Please tell her I have her pant... uh... underwear. BELLA: You’re disgusting, you know that?

LEE scans the gardenNOT one last time in disbelief. LEE shrugs his shoulders as they ALL head back toward the Delphi Club.

JAMES: (Mock-insulted.) Bella. We live in the same building and we both had small loads so we shared a dryer. We do it a lot... sharing a dryerDO I mean. BELLA: Really? JAMES: Look, when I took my sweater out of the dryer the electrons must have caused Melanie’s pan... under garment to stick to the back of my sweater which I didn’t notice right away. It’s just an innocent case of static cling.

LEE and FREEMOULT stare at JAMES incredulously. BELLA uses her two fingers to give JAMES an “I’m watching you” gesture. NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 23

JAMES: (Innocently.) What? Static cling.

ALL exit. A moment later BRADDLE and THE COUNTESS return. They cautiously look around.

BRADDLE: That Lee guy is right... it’s gone. What do we do now? THE COUNTESS: We find out more about that ‘Lee’ guy.

BRADDLE and THE COUNTESS exit after LEE. SOUND CUE 9: Musical interlude #1. Blackout.

ACT ONE, SCENE 4

SETTING: Lee’s loft. Later.

AT START: Stage is lit dimly. Musical Interlude continues until LEE enters the apartment and tosses his keys COPYon a console table by the entrance. He kicks a foot backwards to shut the door behind him. SOUND CUE 10: Venus’ musical sting. LEE flips on the light, turns around and is shocked to see the statue of VENUS in his apartment. At a slow and steady pace VENUS clunks towards LEE with something of scornful wonder in her calm cold face. NOT LEE: (Stunned.) Whoa! What are you? (Notices the ring.) My ring!

As VENUS turns her head; her face, her bared arms, and the long straight folds of her robe are all of the same grayish-yellow hue; the boards DOcreak under her heavy sandaled feet. Realizing her awkwardness, VENUS looks up. There is a slight SOUND CUE 11: Rumble of thunder. Her gait becomes more natural and free. She smiles upward. LEE retreats a few steps until he trips backwards onto his bed. VENUS continues to stare at him.

LEE: (Relieved.) Okay, now I get it. That thing in the gardens was like the mannequin challenge. That’s an amazing make-up job. You really had me fooled. I thought you were actually made of marble. 24 OH, MY GODDESS!

(Trying to put it together.) But why’d you steal my ring? (Gets up off the bed.) That’s a little on the extreme side. (Reaching into his pants.) Alright. How much? (Handing her a bill.) Is twenty okay?

VENUS doesn’t pay attention to the money. LEE reluctantly puts it in the cord of her toga.

VENUS: (Indifference.) You know me not? LEE: Why would I know you? VENUS: (Announcing herself.) I am Aphrodite the foam-born, the matchless seed of Aegis-bearing Zeus. LEE: (Holds out a hand to shake.) Oh, okay, we’re doing it that way. I’m Leander Mason, the Caesarian born, first and only seed of Milton and Rowena Mason.

VENUS ignores LEE'S outstretched hand and he withdraws it.

VENUS: Leander Mason? You have two names. I am known by only one. COPY LEE: So’s Elvis and Beyonce... and Ringo and Eminem, not the candy. (Trying flattery.) You know you’re very good at this mannequin gig. Now, can I have my ring back? VENUS: I am the goddess, Venus, and no mannequin. LEE: You just said your name was Aphrodite. VENUS: Many namesNOT have I amongst the sons of men; and many temples, and I sway the hearts of all lovers; and gods-yea! LEE: Yea? You sound busy. Maybe you should get back to your swaying hearts thing. VENUS: Long, how long I know not, have I lain entranced in slumber, cursedDO by almighty Zeus, and once again has a living mortal touch placed a ring upon my finger and called me from my rest. Tell me, was it yours? LEE: You know it was. You were there. VENUS: Know then that your suit is accepted; never yet has Venus turned the humblest from her shrine. By this symbol you have given yourself to me. I accept the offering. You are mine! LEE: I beg to differ. VENUS: You will beg, but not to differ. NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 25

LEE: Alright! Maybe twenty’s a little low. I’ll give you forty! But that’s as high as I go. Seriously, you can drop the act now.

LEE takes out a crumpled twenty from his pocket and again tucks it into her toga cord.

SONG #4: CREATURES OF DELIGHT VENUS SOUND CUE 12

VENUS: (Spoken.) There is no act, only desire.

VENUS grabs LEE and spins him into a starting tango pose. During the number she becomes more sexually aggressive and he becomes more susceptible to her mythical charms.

VENUS: A SILVERY MOON LIGHT IT’S TIME TO TAKE LOVE’S BITE THAT S RIGHT COPY ’ WE ARE CREATURES OF DELIGHT

THE STARS DO SHINE SO BRIGHT WE N’ER BE TOO POLITE TAKE FLIGHT WE ARE CREATURES OF DELIGHT NOT WHEN SHADOWS FALL LOVE SHALL CONQUER ALL BUT HOW LONG CAN IT LAST? BEFORE WE KNOW ITS TIME FOR US TO GO THE MORNINGDO COMES SO FAST

A SPARK THAT CAN IGNITE THE FLAMES THAT DO EXCITE DON’T FIGHT WE ARE CREATURES OF DELIGHT

Instrumental interlude.

26 OH, MY GODDESS!

‘NEATH VELVET SKIES I LOOK INTO YOUR EYES MY LIPS SO MOIST AND TENDER WE’LL BE AS ONE UNTIL THE MORNING SUN ENTWINED IN SWEET SURRENDER

WHEN PASSION WE INVITE WE’LL LOVE WITH ALL OUR MIGHT HOLD TIGHT WE ARE CREATURES OF DELIGHT THAT’S RIGHT WE ARE CREATURES OF DELIGHT

VENUS ends the song with a tango dip and has LEE millimeters away from her lips. LEE closes his eyes and moves until their lips touch. After a long kiss, he is suddenly shaken out of the moment.

LEE: What am I doing? What did you do to me? (Wiping his lips.) Look, I’ll give you another twenty for the dance. You’re a regular triple threat, by the way. Now can I please getCOPY the ring back? (Begins searching through his pockets for more money. He only finds a few coins.) I’m low on cash. (Holds up his phone.) Do you take Venmo? VENUS: (Deity-level anger.) Enough! LEE: (Holds up a credit card.) How about American Express? VENUS: (Snatches the card from him and puts it in her toga.) You dare to spurn the Goddess of love! NOT VENUS raises her arms and lightning begins flashing all around the room. SOUND CUE 13: Electrical shock. A bolt of lightning shatters his 52” LCD TV.

LEE: That’sDO a Sony 4K! Did you just use the dark side of the force in my apartment? VENUS: I know not this dark side. LEE: How am I going to explain this to the Geek Squad? VENUS: Tell them my father Zeus saw fit to assist in my tribulations. LEE: (Cluing in.) Father Zeus? You, you... you’re... VENUS: I am Venus. NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 27

LEE: The Professor was right. You actually came to life and ran away. With my ring. VENUS: (Showing the ring.) Come then, Leander Mason, come with me and fear nothing. LEE: What...? I... I... I can’t come with you. I’m engaged... VENUS: Engaged! Ah, I remember... in the gardens when light met my eyes once more, there was a maid with you, one who laughed and was merry. Answer! Is she your love? If she is, I should crush her!

VENUS once again raises her hands to smite something else in the apartment. SOUND CUE 14: Thunder clap. LEE throws himself in front of a painting.

LEE: No! Not the Lichtenstein! (Realizing.) Crush her?! Hold on. (Correcting himself.) She isn’t my love. I’m engaged... in a business. I’m a hairdresser.

VENUS lowers her arms as the light-show subsides.COPY

VENUS: Let it suffice you that I am here; and once more Leander Mason, dresser of hair, are you prepared to fulfill the troth you have plighted? LEE: Can I get back to you on that? It’s not that I don’t want to plight your troth, I mean I can’tNOT think of another troth I would rather plight more... VENUS: (Angered.) Have a care! You are young and not uncomely, and my heart pities you. Do nothing rash. Pause, ere you rouse my implacable ire. DO SOUND CUE 15: Thunder. VENUS looks towards the heavens.

VENUS: (Humbled.) Yes, almighty Zeus.

LEE looks up at the ceiling and raises an imaginary ‘fist bump.’

LEE: Thanks Zeus. 28 OH, MY GODDESS!

VENUS: (Turns to LEE.) I leave you ‘til the morning. Zeus commands it. Use the time before you ‘til I come again in thinking well whether he acts wisely who rejects the proffered hand of Venus. For the present, farewell.

As VENUS begins to assume her statue position there is a knock on the door.

VARGAS: (Offstage.) Leander Mason?

LEE turns toward the door.

LEE: (Calling out.) Yes? VARGAS: (Offstage.) Detective Sergeant Vargas with Robbery – Homicide. LEE: (To himself.) The police? (To the door.) It’s really late. VARGAS: (Offstage.) Yeah, but I’d like to talk you about a statue. LEE: Statue? I reported a missing ring. It’s a family heirloom. It’s a V... very valuable. COPY VARGAS: (Offstage.) Well, you’re very valuable family heirloom was on a very valuable stolen statue. LEE: (To himself.) Stolen? (To VENUS.) You’re stolen property? VENUS: ‘Ere I arrived into your possession I did reside in a house of antiquities. LEE: (Going into panicNOT mode.) Perfect! You’ve got to hide. It’s the police... VENUS: The Centurions of Ares? LEE: (Searches for another word.) Uh... yes... his foot soldier.

LEE ushersDO VENUS towards a walk-in closet.

VENUS: (Commenting.) Alas, the underbelly, and surprisingly a female. Although Amazons would never take up arms with Ares. Perhaps he has joined forces with those warriors from Lesbos. I must speak to Sappho about this. (Manically.) Shall I crush the Centurion? (Raises her hands.) LEE: (Lowering her hands.) Would you stop with the crushing?! NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 29

VENUS: Sappho wrote a hymn dedicated to me. It starts, “Venus, bright Goddess of the skies, To whom unnumbered temples rise...”

As VENUS recites, LEE escorts her into the closet and she takes the pose she was in as a statue. SOUND CUE 16: Venus’ musical sting. Wearily, LEE opens the door for VARGAS. VARGAS makes herself right at home. She looks over the smoking flat screen and removes a business card from her coat.

VARGAS: What happened in here? LEE: (Lamenting.) I wonder if it’s too late to get the extended warranty. VARGAS: (Hands LEE a business card.) Here. My brother-in-law is a manager at Best Buy. Give ‘em a call. LEE: (Looking at card.) Thanks?

VARGAS takes out her note-pad and clicks her pen.

VARGAS: (Looking at note pad.) The report you filed stated that you put a ring on a statue at the dance clubCOPY and the statue along w ith your ring went missing. Is that correct? LEE: Yes, ma’am. VARGAS: (Reading the report.) Let me get right to the point, my case involves more than jewelry. Last night, a pair of suspects broke into the Metropolitan Museum of Art and stole the statue whose finger you were unfortunateNOT enough to put your ring on. LEE: How would I know it was stolen? VARGAS: You wouldn’t... and since it was too hot to fence right away the two culprits had to find a place to let it cool off. LEE: (Nervously.) So they hid it in the Delphi Gardens with... LEE andDO VARGAS: ...all the other statues. LEE: Any leads? VARGAS: Including you? One. After all, you were the last person to see that statue. LEE: I guess I was.

An awkward silence. VARGAS turns to leave and then turns back to LEE.

30 OH, MY GODDESS!

VARGAS: If you see or hear anything... (More ominous.) or decide to change your mind...

VARGAS hands LEE another card.

LEE: Another brother-in-law? VARGAS: No, that’s my card. (Beat.) Good night, Mr. Mason. LEE: Good night, detective.

LEE shows VARGAS out and secures the door. LEE looks over to the walk-in closet and then looks down at the business card in his hand. LEE takes out his smart phone.

LEE: (Into his phone.) Hey Siri, how do I get a ring off a marble statue? SIRI: (Offstage.) Getting directions to Marble Statue Warehouse. LEE: No. No. No. (Annunciating more.) How... do... I... get... a... ring... off... a... marble... statue? SIRI: (Offstage.) Searching the web for capital of Antarctica. LEE: No. No. No. (Even more frustrated.)COPY How... do... I... get... a... ring... off... a... marble... statue? SIRI: (Offstage.) You would like me to ring Tillie’s Grandma?

SOUND CUE 17: Power tools. Blackout.

NOT ACT ONE, SCENE 5

SETTING: Lee’s loft. The next morning.

AT START:DO LEE is sleeping at the kitchen bar counter. There is a trail of power tools and a tangle of electrical cords leading from him to the closet. SOUND CUE 18: Video chat call. A loud BING startles him awake. LEE pulls his tablet toward him and clicks it on. A large screen lowers and the face of TILLIE appears on the screen through a video chat link. (Note: If there are no screens, TILLIE can appear on the opposite side of stage.) TILLIE is wearing a bathrobe and brushing her hair.

NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 31

LEE: (Off guard.) Tillie? (Getting his bearings.) Tillie. TILLIE: (Through video chat.) Hey, honey... I only have a minute. But I wanted to see your face before my client meeting.

TILLIE finishes drying her hair. LEE nervously glances at the closed closet door and then forces a smile before he looks at the computer screen.

LEE: So? How was the big Texas barbecue last night? TILLIE: Incredible. I “mooed,” I “clucked,” I “oinked.” They really have their spit together down here. LEE: Okay, how far did we run today? TILLIE: Just a 10K, but I should have run a marathon. LEE: Sounds like someone’s feeling a little guilty? TILLIE: Not guilt, damage control. LEE: Yeah, I know all about damage control.

LEE looks toward the closet and demolished TV. TILLIE begins brushing her hair. SOUND CUE 19: Loud thud.COPY

TILLIE: (Laughing with him.) What was that? LEE: What was what? (Shifting gears.) I can’t wait ‘til you come back. TILLIE: It’s only been two weeks. LEE: (Recovers again.) I know. But it feels like two months. And I get it. You’re up for that NOTpromotion, so you gotta do what you gotta do. TILLIE: Thanks for being so understanding. (Beat.) Are you okay? LEE: (Distracted.) Yeah... yeah. (Side stepping.) Oh, and I forgot to tell you that I won the Manning Super Bowl parka. It’s on its way. TILLIE: The actual torn one? DO LEE smiles to himself. The MUSIC stirs.

SONG #5: NO OLYMPIAN HEIGHT LEE, TILLIE SOUND CUE 20

TILLIE: (Spoken.) You’re amazing. LEE: (Spoken.) I was just gonna say that. 32 OH, MY GODDESS!

TILLIE does an about face and heads to get dressed.

LEE: NO OLYMPIAN HEIGHT NOR MAJESTY OF GRECIAN URNS NOR SOUNDS DISTILLED THAT ECHO THROUGH PURE VACUUM VENTURE COMPARISON TO YOUR VOICE.

I WOULD HEAR WHAT YOU SAY AND COMPREHEND AND TRY TO REPLY. BUT THEN WHY WHEN YOUR WORDS MAKE MINE MEANINGLESS?

LEE and TILLIE: ANGEL COMING OVER THE HILLS GATHERING DAFFODILS DO WHAT YOU WILL I AM YOURS I AM YOURS.

TILLIE: COPY I HAD A DREAM IN WHICH I DREAMT THAT YOU WERE DREAMING AND WE WOKE AND FOUND OURSELVES AWAKE IN DREAMLAND.

LEE and TILLIE: WE KISSED AND FOUND NOT THAT DREAMS ARE STUFFED WITH FANCY STUFF LIKE LOVE AND KISSES THINGS WE CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF

ANGEL COMING OVER THE HILLS GATHERINGDO DAFFODILS DO WHAT YOU WILL I AM YOURS I AM YOURS

NO OLYMPIAN HEIGHT NOR MAJESTY OF GRECIAN URNS NOR SOUNDS DISTILLED THAT ECHO THROUGH PURE VACUUM VENTURE COMPARISON TO YOUR VOICE (RPT X3)

NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 33

LEE and TILLIE both kiss their fingers and touch their respective cameras as if to touch each other. SOUND CUE 21: Venus’ musical sting & thunder.

LEE: (Rushing.) See you soon. Love you. Bye.

LEE quickly closes the computer screen. VENUS walks out of the closet toward LEE.

VENUS: Never again shall I repose in that narrow tomb. LEE: You’re right. There’s never enough closet space. VENUS: It was likened to being buried beneath the soil. But you did well to shield my statue image from the vulgar sight of Ares’ foot soldier. And if you had no appropriate shrine wherein to install it, the fault lies not with you. I shall let it pass. LEE: Thanks... I guess... now, I really need the ring. VENUS: Should any mortal require the ring of you, you have but to reply, “I have placed it upon the finger of Aphrodite, whose spouse I am!” COPY LEE: What am I supposed to tell the rightful owner? VENUS: (Feeling deceived.) Rightful owner? You have lied to me, then, and you are already affianced! Tell me the abode of this maiden of yours. So that I may seek her out and crush her! LEE: Crush Tillie?! VENUS: Ah, ha! You haveNOT revealed her name! I have but to ask in your streets, “Where abideth Tillie, the beloved of Leander Mason, the dresser of hair? Lead me to her dwelling.” And having arrived there I shall crush her and thus she shall deservedly perish. LEE: Tillie? Tillie is my... sister. Why would you crush my sister? VENUS: DO Is this the truth? You are pledged to no mortal bride? Palter not with me! LEE: Believe me I could never palter with you. VENUS: Then no one stands between us, and you are mine! LEE: I don’t see this going anywhere. Look you’re a goddess. How can you stoop so low as to be with a mere... barber? VENUS: Your words ring true! Your occupation may be base and degrading, and if so, it were well for me to see it... barb so that I may know the nature of your toil. 34 OH, MY GODDESS!

LEE: I can’t barb here. I have to go to the shop which opens... (Looking at his watch.) Which is open... oh, damn! I’m late! (Begins gathering himself to go to work.) VENUS: I will go thither and behold you! LEE: No, no going thither. VENUS: I will make no sign; none shall recognize me for what I am. But come I will. LEE: Look, I have a better idea.

VENUS watches carefully as LEE brings up a live surveillance camera feed of the shop on his computer or tablet.

LEE: Here, you’ll get a kick out of this. It’s a video surveillance system... a magic mirror. VENUS: (Amazed.) Your shop is a hall for the gods and for each a throne and a mortal to attend to them. (Satisfied.) I shall remain hither. LEE: Exactly. You remain hither... while I go thither. COPY LEE exits the loft. Music begins vamping as the set rises to reveal... SOUND CUE 22: Musical interlude #2. Blackout.

ACT ONE, SCENE 6 NOT SETTING: Lee's Salon. Continuous.

AT START: SOUND CUE 23: Hair dryer. Lights up and the salon is in full motion. LEE is seating a customer, MRS. P. His assistant, MELODYDO is tending to another customer, MRS. HOOVER. The last chair is taken up by BRADDLE, whose face is under a towel.

LEE: Good Morning, Mrs. Hoover. Just the roots today? MRS. HOOVER: Yes. Unless one of your sinks is the Fountain of Youth. LEE: (Gently.) That’s why I’m here. (To MELODY.) Oh, Melody, by the way, Mrs. P. wants the Chestnut, not the Auburn.

NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 35

FREEMOULT enters through the front door. LEE grabs a magazine off the counter.

LEE: Good morning, Professor. FREEMOULT: Good morning, Leander. My usual chair? LEE: (Hands the magazine to FREEMOULT.) Yes ma’am, with your usual magazine.

FREEMOULT takes a seat.

FREEMOULT: So, what did the Police say? LEE: Nothing, yet. (Beat.) Is there anything in mythology about a statue being brought to life with a ring? FREEMOULT: Are you still thinking that the statue came to life and walked away? LEE: It’s complicated.

ADA enters. COPY ADA: Hi Lee. LEE: (Intercepting ADA.) Oh great. You made it. FREEMOULT: (Chiming back in.) You know there is something I vaguely remember. I’ll do some research. Come by my class tomorrow. We’re having a toga party. LEE: Thanks. (ReferringNOT to ADA.) Let me get started with her and I’ll be back.

LEE escorts ADA to an empty salon chair. He sits her down and puts a cape on her. DO SONG #6: BEST DAMN HAIRDRESSER LEE, ADA, FREEMOULT, ENSEMBLE SOUND CUE 24

ADA: I think I’m ready for a bob cut.

LEE takes some of her hair and holds it in different styles.

36 OH, MY GODDESS!

LEE: (Not quite right.) No... (Narrows down his options and smiles.) I know exactly what to do.

During the number, LEE checks on his customers in their different stages of follicle beautification.

LEE: (Replying in song.) I KNOW THAT YOU REALLY DON’T KNOW ME YOU ARE PROBABLY THINKING JUST SHOW ME BUT IT’S NOT SOMETHING FOR ME TO SELL YOU SHOULD CHECK WITH MY CLIENTELE

ADA: IT’S CLEAR TO ME EACH SEAT IS TAKEN I EXPECT THAT I’M NOT MUCH MISTAKEN THAT I WILL BE COMFORTABLE IN YOUR CHAIR' AS YOUR FINGERS RUN THROUGH MY HAIR

LEE: I’M A BARBER, A BEAUTICIAN I’M ALL ABOUT YOUR HAIR’S CONDITION I’D LIKE TO TURN BACK YOUR CLOCK TO HALF PAST TEENCOPY

ENSEMBLE: HE’S THE BEST DAMN HAIRDRESSER YOU’VE EVER SEEN

HE’S AN ARTIST, KNOWS AESTHETICS AND WHAT TO DO WITH ALL COSMETICS HE CAN TURN A SEDAN INTO A LIMOUSINE HE’S THE BEST DAMN HAIRDRESSERNOT YOU’VE EVER SEEN

LEE is working on ADA’s hair.

ADA: YOU DO WHAT YOU DO WITH PERFECTION NONE BETTERDO TO MY RECOLLECTION AND I SAY WHAT I FEEL AND WHAT I FEEL IS SO REAL

FREEMOULT: THE WOMEN HE SO UNDERSTANDS FEEL THE MAGIC THAT COMES THROUGH HIS HANDS A MASTER WITH SCISSORS, A BRUSH OR COMB HE MAKES THEM FEEL RIGHT AT HOME

NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 37

LEE: I’M A BARBER, I’M A STYLIST BAD HAIR IS SOMETHING I CAN’T RESIST

Unbeknownst to LEE, VENUS enters upstage and eavesdrops.

ENSEMBLE: HE CAN TURN ORDINARY INTO A DREAM HE’S THE BEST DAMN HAIRDRESSER YOU’VE EVER SEEN

HE’S A COIFFEUR WHO IMPRESSES NUMERO UNO FOR YOUR TRESSES HE CAN TURN A MEDUSA INTO A NORMA JEAN HE’S THE BEST DAMN HAIRDRESSER YOU’VE EVER SEEN

LEE approaches BRADDLE.

LEE: Welcome. My name is Lee. Are we also cutting your hair today, sir? (Pulls away the towel and reveals BRADDLE.) BRADDLE: No, just a shave. COPY Blackout.

ACT ONE, SCENE 7

SETTING: Lee’s salon. Later. NOT AT START: Lights fade up. ALL customers have left for the day. LEE is carrying some packages from one end of the salon to another. He sets the packages down, shuffles some more papers and grabs his keys. He turns around and sees someone sitting in a chair. DO LEE: (With his back to the door.) Sorry, we’re closed. TILLIE: (Spinning the chair around. Sexy.) I thought maybe you could squeeze me in... LEE: (Shocked.) Tillie?! (Sets down his belongings. He looks up to the ceiling at the surveillance camera with concern.) What are you doing here? (Positions himself between TILLIE and the camera.)

38 OH, MY GODDESS!

TILLIE: It’s called a quarterback sneak. They flew yours truly home on the company jet. Why? 'Cause I signed that client and got the promotion. You are looking at the new Vice President of Internet Marketing. LEE: Congratulations! That’s fabulous! Let’s announce it at the engagement party on Saturday. TILLIE: Did you pick up the ring? LEE: (Covering.) The ring? I called. The jeweler needed more time. I’ll have it before Saturday.

TILLIE reaches out to embrace LEE who backs away from her and glances quickly up at the cameras. LEE swipes his arm at the wall, shutting off the lights and blocking out the camera surveillance system. The salon is left lit with the ambient light from the street.

TILLIE: What are you doing? LEE: (Whispering.) One on one coverage.

LEE grabs TILLIE and begins to mock waltzCOPY her towards the door. During the waltz, LEE struggles to keep TILLIE’S face from being seen by the security camera.

LEE: (Singing a capella.) IN MY DREAMS YOU COME TO MY ROOM AT NIGHTNOT AND I SEE YOUR FACE IN THE SOFT MOONLIGHT

THEN YOU TAKE MY HAND THEN YOUDO HOLD ME NEAR AND YOU WHISPER WORDS THAT SOUND LIKE MAGIC

LEE hears the heavy stone footsteps of VENUS thud above him. SOUND CUE 25: Loud thud. LEE moves TILLIE closer to the door.

LEE: (Softly.) It’s football night at the Punt and Pint. Save me a good seat in front of the big screen and we’ll celebrate over a beer. NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 39

TILLIE: (Smiling.) Or under one?

TILLIE puckers to kiss LEE. LEE shoots a look up at the camera. Instead of the lips, he gently kisses TILLIE on the forehead as if he were kissing a child. This doesn’t go unnoticed by TILLIE.

LEE: Please, honey. One kiss and I’m a goner. Love you.

LEE nudges TILLIE out the door and locks it behind her. He lets out a huge sigh of relief and starts closing the blinds. VENUS enters.

VENUS: Was that your sister?

LEE turns and heads toward the stairway entrance to greet her.

VENUS: You showed her affection beyond that of my half-brother Apollo and myself. And she looks nothing like you. LEE: That’s what everyone says. Our whole family is like that. We’re all alike because we’re all different. My parentsCOPY are both very unlike each other. They even have different DNA. I guess we take after them in their not-like-each-otherness. VENUS: (Lost in his logic.) Be that as it may, I have watched you barb. And although you perform the tasks of ancient Roman slaves, I will free you. LEE: Free me? Listen, Venus,NOT I don’t need to be freed. I’m happy here. VENUS: It is vain to struggle since the gods themselves cannot resist Fate. You must yield and contend not. LEE: Well, then you yield first. Give me my ring.

VENUS turnsDO from LEE and spies herself in the large mirror. She gets a load of her stone visage for the first time.

VENUS: (Mortified.) Oh, Zeus! It is no wonder you turn me away. (Puts a hand on LEE'S shoulder.) Please, Leander Mason, dresser of hair, I am as unbecoming as the Medusa. Who was this Norma Jean you were singing about? LEE: (Begins searching for an image on his phone.) She was really known as Marilyn. 40 OH, MY GODDESS!

VENUS: What did the Romans call her? LEE: Marilyn. She was a very beautiful and a very famous actress. Here.

LEE holds up the phone with a picture of Marilyn Monroe.

VENUS: Yes, her. (Sits in chair.) I wish to look like her. LEE: Who doesn’t? VENUS: (Convincing him.) You are the best damn hairdresser. LEE: True, but I’m not a magician.

Surrendering, LEE picks up some makeup.

VENUS: Your stubborn heart is yielding; a little while and you will bask in the power of Aphrodite. LEE: If I do this, I need you to let me go out later... alone. VENUS: We shall see. LEE: No we shan’t. That’s the deal. VENUS: Ahhh, Quid Pro Quo. COPY

LEE spins the chair away from the audience toward the mirror. Lights blackout except for a spotlight on the GREEK CHORUS. SOUND CUE 26: Hair dryer.

GREEK CHORUS: NOT He’s an artist, knows aesthetics and what to do with all cosmetics. He can turn six B.C. into sweet sixteen He’s the best damn hairdresser you’ve ever seen. DO Blackout, GREEK CHORUS exits. Lights fade up. LEE sets the brush and the hair dryer down on the counter. He spins the chair to face the audience. VENUS has been transformed, no longer looking like a statue but like the exquisite goddess of mythology.

VENUS: (Giddy.) You are a magician! You held the very power of the siroccos in your hand. LEE: It’s actually a Con-air. NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 41

VENUS: If my fellow Olympians could see me now.

Satisfied with his results, LEE smiles and sighs. He picks up the package.

VENUS: (Seductively.) And now that I have regained you, let us return to your abode... LEE: (Wagging his finger.) Uh, uh, uh... Quid pro quo... remember?

VENUS sulks. LEE picks up the TV remote.

LEE: Here. While I’m gone you can watch cable TV. VENUS: Cable TV? LEE: You’ll love it. The Soap Channel is like Greek Theater in a box. VENUS: Ohh! Like Euripides and Sophocles, our playwrights. And Aristophanes... oh, that Aristophanes. LEE: Yes. And sometimes they interrupt the tragedies and tell you where to shop for togas, perfumes and chariots. COPY LEE demonstrates the remote and hands it to VENUS. LEE exits with his belongings including the package. VENUS channel surfs and sees a slew of commercials for various cars and clothing stores. Then she catches another glimpse of herself in a full length mirror and takes stock of her apparel. NOT VENUS: (Picking at her threads, into mirror.) Now that I no longer look petrified I must go forth and improve upon these ragged coverings.

SOUND CUE 27: Thunder DO VENUS: Thank you, Father Zeus. I shall go shopping.

SOUND CUE 28: Musical interlude #3

Blackout.

42 OH, MY GODDESS!

ACT ONE, SCENE 8

SETTING: Ada's Clothing Boutique and Punt & Pint Sports Bar. Continuous.

AT START: The salon is transformed into a high-end boutique, complete with mirrors, clothing and show racks, and well-dressed mannequins. Lights up on Ada's Clothing Boutique. In a fast moving ballet, ATTENDANTS help VENUS quick-change into various haute couture.

SONG #7: SHOP, SHOP, SHOP/FOOTBALL NIGHT VENUS, TILLIE, JAMES, BOUTIQUE ENSEMBLE, BAR ENSEMBLE SOUND CUE 29

BOUTIQUE ENSEMBLE: SHOP, SHOP, SHOP SHOP, SHOP, SHOP SHOP, SHOP, SHOP SHOP, SHOP, SHOP COPY

VENUS: I TOOK OFF IN A TAXI HEADED UPTOWN MONEY, MONEY, MONEY SPREAD IT ALL AROUND

OOOO WHEEE NOT I’M ON SHOPPING SPREE

I HAVE AGORA FEVER THAT’S NO LIE THE ONLY CURE FOR ME IS BUY, BUYDO, BUY

OOOO WHEEE I’M ON SHOPPING SPREE

Lights down on Ada's Clothing Boutique, lights up on Punt & Pint Sports Bar. The up-tempo beat continues. The usual crowd is gathered at the bar watching the football game. Among the throngs of jersey-clad PATRONS is a jersey-clad TILLIE. As the crowd breaks into chorus, the scene becomes more choreographed. The WAITRESSES are NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 43 dressed as cheerleaders and the BARTENDERS are dressed as referees. TILLIE and the BAR PATRONS break into a “halftime show” of singing, dancing and throwing around a football.

BAR ENSEMBLE: TONIGHT IS FOOTBALL NIGHT AND HALF TIME IS APPROACHING IT’S A GRIDIRON FIGHT AND EVERYBODY’S COACHING

TILLIE and BAR ENSEMBLE: YEAH, IT’S FOOTBALL NIGHT A ROCKIN’ THURSDAY PARTY AND THE GAME IS TIGHT SO WE’LL PRAY TO VINCE LOMBARDI

JAMES and BAR ENSEMBLE: (Singing patter-style, ENSEMBLE answers back.) LET’S CONVERT THAT THIRD AND NINE PUSH BACK ON THAT DEFENSIVE LINE HOPE THAT DRAFT PICK STARTS TO SHINE AND EARNS THOSE BUCKS HE GOT TO SIGN

TILLIE: COPY FAKE A HANDOFF, NEVER YIELD KEEP THAT PIGSKIN WELL CONCEALED QB SET YOUR EYES DOWN FIELD USE THE POCKET AS A SHIELD

BAR ENSEMBLE: TONIGHT IS FOOTBALL NIGHT AND WE CAN KICK AND SCREAMNOT WHEN THE REFS BLOW A CALL AND ITS HURTING OUR TEAM.

YEAH IT'S FOOTBALL NIGHT AND WHEN THE PAPERS GO TO BED WILL THEYDO SAY WE WON THE FIGHT OR BARELY BEAT THE SPREAD?

Lights up in Ada's Clothing Boutique. The music continues as we see VENUS quick changing.

44 OH, MY GODDESS!

VENUS (BOUTIQUE ENSEMBLE): A SLINKY RED DRESS (SHOP, SHOP, SHOP) A BRAND NEW HAT (SHOP, SHOP, SHOP) A LITTLE BIT OF THIS (SHOP, SHOP, SHOP) AND A WHOLE LOT OF THAT (SHOP, SHOP, SHOP)

OOOO WHEEE I’M ON A SHOPPING SPREE

GOLDEN CHAIN LINGIRIE A THOUSAND DOLLARS THATS OKAY I’M ON SHOPPING SPREE OOOO WHEEE I’M ON SHOPPING SPREE OOOO WHEEE I’M ON SHOPPING SPREE

BUY, BUY, BUY PAY, PAY, PAY FIVE MORE FRANKLINS THAT’S OKAY COPY ADA completes the sale and hands VENUS her bags. They look her each other.

VENUS: (Spoken.) Don’t I know you from somewhere? ADA: (Spoken.) You look familiar, too.

LEE enters Punt & PintNOT Spots Bar clutching the package. He spies TILLIE by the bar and heads over to her. He catches her off guard with a kiss on the cheek.

LEE: (Spoken.)DO Hey, you. (Nods to the screen.) How are they doing? TILLIE: (Spoken.) It’s tied. Hold that thought... (Pattering.) THIRD AND ONE WE NEED A SACK GOTTA STOP A PASS ATTACK KEEP THE OFFENSE WAY OFF TRACK SAFETY BLITZ AND DRIVE ‘EM BACK

NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 45

JAMES: PASS PROTECTION STARTS TO CRUMBLE WIDE RECEIVERS IN A JUMBLE QUARTERBACK BEGINS TO STUMBLE HIT ‘EM HARD AND FORCE A FUMBLE

BAR ENSEMBLE: TONIGHT IS FOOTBALL NIGHT A ROCKIN’ THURSDAY PARTY AND THE GAME IS TIGHT SO WE PRAY TO VINCE LOMBARDI

CAUSE IT’S FOOTBALL NIGHT AND WE CAN KICK AND SCREAM WHEN THE ZEBRAS MISS A CALL AND IT’S HURTIN’ OUR TEAM

Music fades. In the interim, LEE spots VENUS entering the bar carrying a variety of different shopping bags. She is decked out in a brand new cocktail dress with high heeled shoes. The surrounding bar patrons ogle over her. COPY VENUS: (Singing, perhaps not to track.) A SLINKY RED DRESS A BRAND NEW HAT A LITTLE BIT OF THIS AND A WHOLE LOT OF THAT OOOO WHEEE I’M ON A SHOPPING SPREE NOT LEE’S eyes almost pop out of his head. He races over to intercept VENUS.

LEE: What are you doing here? What happened to “Quid Pro Quo?” VENUS: DO This Vera Wang mortal should surely be a seamstress to the gods. LEE: Yeah. They’re the only ones who can afford her. VENUS: (Smooths her dress via her hips.) The shopkeeper insisted that this makes me a tease. Does it? LEE: A tease? (Then realizing.) Wait... did you steal this?

46 OH, MY GODDESS!

VENUS: Heavens, no! I simply extracted the portraits of your heralded leaders Franklin, Grant, Jackson and Hamilton from your ringing machine. It’s amazing how much mere pieces of green paper can buy. LEE: Exactly how many pieces of green paper? VENUS: Oh, all of them. LEE: (Furiously taken aback.) All of them?! VENUS: (Takes out the American Express card.) Yes but when there were no more, not even a Washington, the shopkeeper said I could use this Golden Card with the Roman Centurion on it. But alas, after I charged the De La Renta and the Louis Vuitton the checkout clerk said it was over the limit. LEE: You went over the limit on my Gold Card? VENUS: On Mount Olympus we have no limits. LEE: Then why didn’t I get a fraud alert? (Snatches back the credit card.) VENUS: We don’t have fraud alerts either. (Snaps her fingers.) I even tried to explain that I knew this Centurion personally, if you get my meaning, but to no avail. And I could notCOPY return to Mount Olymp us empty handed. You know how Greeks are with their gifts. LEE: I can only imagine. VENUS: But all was not lost. My father, Zeus, provided me with your PIN number so that I could retrieve more Jackson’s from the ATM. LEE: (Weak kneed.) How did Zeus know my pin number? VENUS: Please, it’s Zeus!NOT LEE: You’re killing me! VENUS: (Handing LEE a sheaf of papers.) Not yet, but here are the receipts for the remainder of my designer bounty. LEE: You mean there’s more? VENUS: DO The rest is currently under the watchful eye of Ulysses, the driver of my Uber-chariot named Jeep.

A loud cheer erupts from the BAR PATRONS. VENUS looks toward the source of the excitement and sees the screens.

VENUS: Ooo, Gladiators. They were foretold on Ehspin. LEE: That’s E-S-P-N. VENUS: No it’s S-P-Q-R. NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 47

VENUS starts to sit down within eyeshot of the flat screen. LEE stops her from sitting.

LEE: (Moving on.) You can’t stay here. VENUS: (Entranced with the game.) See how they collide. They are ferocious. Just like the mortal men in the coliseum.

LEE tries to nudge VENUS toward the exit.

LEE: Except here the losers get paid instead of being tossed in with carnivorous animals...

At the bar, TILLIE looks around for LEE. Not seeing him, she leaves her station to seek him out.

VENUS: This truly is a spectacle to behold.

LEE spots TILLIE approaching and dances COPYVENUS away.

LEE: (More urgent.) Isn’t it? But you really have to go.

Just as LEE takes a couple of steps, JAMES comes between him and VENUS. NOT JAMES: (Ogling VENUS.) Heeey! Can I buy you a drink? LEE: (Hearing JAMES’ voice.) Jimmy?! JAMES: Lee?! You know Tillie’s here, right?! LEE: Yes. (To VENUS.) Can you excuse us for a moment? VENUS: DO I will grant you that.

VENUS steps aside and flags down a WAITRESS.

VENUS: You there. Handmaiden. Fetch me your finest ambrosia... dry, with two olives. LEE: (To JAMES.) That’s the Venus I was telling you about. JAMES: I don’t know if she’s a goddess, but she’s at least a nine and a half. 48 OH, MY GODDESS!

LEE: Look at her left ring finger.

JAMES does as he’s told. He does a double take and looks at LEE.

JAMES: Holy crap! That lady lifted the Van Alden off the statue? LEE: (Insistent.) No Jimmy. She is the statue! JAMES: That’s messed up. (Catching a glimpse of VENUS.) I’ll try to get your ring back. LEE: (Warning him.) Jimmy, don’t!

VENUS returns to them.

JAMES: (To VENUS.) I’m Jimmy...

JAMES takes VENUS' hand. She immediately pulls it away.

VENUS: (Raising her arms.) You have touched a Goddess. I shall crush thee. JAMES: Crushed by a Goddess? Ooo! I can’tCOPY wait to Tweet that.

VENUS raises her arms. SOUND CUE 30: Small thunder. LEE lowers VENUS’ arms.

LEE: (To JAMES.) Jimmy, don’t encourage her, believe me, you’ll hate what’s left of yourselfNOT in the morning. (Nudges JAMES toward the bar.) Now do me a favor... keep Tillie away from here. (Smiling.) Bring up the Jets. She hates the Jets. She’ll do ten minutes ripping them, so just keep nodding your head.

JAMES headsDO toward the bar. LEE returns his attention to VENUS.

LEE: (Improvising, in desperation.) Look, I have something for you. It’s a small offering. But if I give it to you, you have to promise you will leave.

LEE gingerly opens the package and holds up its contents - a NEW YORK GIANT’S autographed football parka, slightly tattered and stained, but in relatively good condition. NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 49

LEE: (Looking for a viable explanation.) It was worn by one of the Giant gladiators. VENUS: Giants? Those miscreants?! Hercules dispatched of most of them. (Draws a finger across her neck and makes a slashing sound. Looks back at the parka and runs her fingers across the heavy fabric.) But, I shall accept your gift. Even though it is tattered. LEE: Think of it as the pummeled shield of a gladiator.

LEE puts the parka back in the package and leads her toward the door, constantly checking over his shoulder for TILLIE. LEE catches a glimpse of JAMES and TILLIE approaching.

JAMES: Tillie... you can’t honestly tell me that the Giants are better than the Jets. TILLIE: Giants... four Super Bowl rings. Jets... one. Discussion over.

LEE escorts VENUS out the door keeping one foot in the bar. VENUS exits seconds before TILLIE catches up to LEECOPY with JAMES in tow.

TILLIE: Who was that you were talking to? LEE: One of my clients. She had a hair emergency. JAMES: (Referring to LEE.) It’s a good thing you’re not a proctologist. LEE: Jimmy... do you mind? JAMES: I’ll leave you twoNOT alone. (To TILLIE.) Joseph Namath... best running back ever. TILLIE: (Snapping back.) Quarterback. JAMES: That’s what I meant. (Heads back to the bar.) TILLIE: Lee... are you okay? You haven’t been yourself since I got back. DO LEE: Have I... not? I... I’m a little nervous about Saturday night. You know, the engagement party? Your grandma? TILLIE: I know, she’s not the homemade chocolate chip cookie type. Just make sure you wear a coat and tie. LEE: I don’t like ties. TILLIE: No, you don’t like Grandma. Appearance is very important to her. She’s very conservative... 50 OH, MY GODDESS!

LEE: ...and difficult. She called me a beauty school dropout. I went to Columbia. JAMES: (Offstage. Calling across the bar.) Tillie... it’s the last play... if they stop them, we win! TILLIE: (To LEE.) Just wear the tie. (Rejoins the game.)

SOUND CUE 31: SHOP, SHOP, SHOP/FOOTBALL NIGHT, Part 2

TILLIE: (Patter.) MAN TO MAN AND CLEAT TO CLEAT GIVE THE WIDE RECEIVER HEAT KEEP HIM COVERED LIKE A SHEET MAKE THE PASS FALL INCOMPLETE

JAMES: AT THE TEN ITS FOURTH AND GOAL VISITORS ARE ON A ROLL MAKE THE TACKLE, BLOCK THE HOLE GET US TO THE SUPER BOWL

BAR ENSEMBLE: TONIGHT IS FOOTBALL NIGHT COPY

ONLY ONE MORE PLAY TO RUN IF THE DEFENSE HOLDS TIGHT THEN THE GAME IS WON

TV ANNOUNCER: (Offstage or prerecorded. Spoken.) And there’s the snap... He throws! Incomplete. Giants win! NOT BAR ENSEMBLE: OH, YEAH IT’S FOOTBALL NIGHT A ROCKIN’ THURSDAY PARTY AND IT TURNED OUT RIGHT SO THANKS TO VINCE LOMBARDI DO YEAH IT’S FOOTBALL NIGHT IT’S FOOTBALL NIGHT IT’S FOOTBALL NIGHT IT’S FOOTBALL NIGHT

BAR ENSEMBLE cheer the Giant's victory: high- fives, chest bumps, the usual celebratory showing. TILLIE makes the rounds with her friends. A deflated LEE heads toward the celebration. LEE is grabbed NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 51

from behind and pulled outside the establishment. SOUND CUE 32: Musical interlude #4. Blackout.

ACT ONE, SCENE 9

SETTING: Alleyway. Continuous.

AT START: LEE is hastily “escorted” out by the two ruffians, BRADDLE and THE COUNTESS.

LEE: Hey, easy fella... and lady? (Struggles to break free.) I told Detective Vargas that I’d call if I heard anything. (Takes a second look.) Wait a minute... I remember you! I shaved you. I never forget facial hair. BRADDLE: (Rubbing his face.) Very close, too, and no irritation. LEE: Hey, you’re not the police. Who are you?

THE COUNTESS looks up and down the COPYstreet and seeing that the coast is clear signals BRADDLE. BRADDLE grabs LEE by the collar.

THE COUNTESS: How did you get the statue out of the gardens? LEE: I didn’t. It followed me home.

SONG #8: ODE TO THENOT CROOKED ROAD THE COUNTESS, BRADDLE SOUND CUE 33

THE COUNTESS: (Spoken.) That’s enough! You’re not fooling us. BRADDLE:DO (Spoken.) Yes! It takes a crook to know a crook.

THE COUNTESS: I’M A SNAKE MAKE NO MISTAKE I’M A SNAKE

52 OH, MY GODDESS!

BRADDLE: SHE’S A VIPER WITH A CAPITAL “V”

THE COUNTESS: YESIREE I’M A SNAKE I’M A LOW-DOWN-DIRTY, FOUR-LETTER-WORDY SNAKE

BRADDLE: I’M A THUG GIVE MY FINGER A TUG

BRADDLE offers THE COUNTESS his index finger which she immediately slaps away.

BRADDLE: I’M A THUG

THE COUNTESS: HE’S A GOON WITH A CAPITAL “G” CONSTANTLY HE S A THUG COPY ’

BRADDLE: I’M A KINKY, FINKY, HABITUALLY STINKY THUG

THE COUNTESS: I JUST LOVE WHO I AM NOT AS FOR EVERYBODY ELSE I JUST DON’T GIVE A DAMN

BRADDLE: AND I LOVE BEING ME I’M THE DOONLY ONE I WOULD EVER WANT TO BE

THE COUNTESS: HE’S A TURD EN FRANCAIS ILS EST MERDE HE’S A TURD HE’S A DUMP WITH A CAPITAL “D” REGULARLY, HE’S A TURD

NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 53

BRADDLE: I’M A FUNKY, GUNKY, ALMOST ALWAYS SKUNKY

THE COUNTESS: GURGLING, GUSHING IN CONSTANT NEED OF FLUSHING,

THE COUNTESS and BRADDLE: REAMING, SCHEMING, GLEAMING PILE OF STEAMING TURD

HAND TO GOD IT’S NO LIE FOR US THE CROOKED ROAD IS THE ONLY WAY TO FLY

BRADDLE picks up LEE and throws him against the wall at the end of the song. THE COUNTESS picks LEE up off the ground and steadies him on his feet.

THE COUNTESS: (To LEE.) If you cooperate I won’t have to let Braddle loose on you. COPY

BRADDLE cocks his arm back to punch LEE.

THE COUNTESS: The Venus is our lawful property and you better give it back. LEE: I think “lawful” is aNOT stretch. BRADDLE: (Grabbing LEE.) Hey! We stole her first. THE COUNTESS: Which syndicate are you working with?

THE COUNTESS slaps LEE across the face. He rubs his face. DO THE COUNTESS: Are you working with the Greeks? LEE: (Playing along.) Ah... yeah. BRADDLE: This sounds like them. Those sons of a bitches!

THE COUNTESS raises her hand to slap him again.

LEE: (Relenting.) Okay, okay. THE COUNTESS: (Changing gears.) Where are you keeping it? 54 OH, MY GODDESS!

LEE processes all of this for a moment and then is inspired.

LEE: (Wheels turning.) Some place safe. But I’ll have her – it in the storeroom at my shop Saturday night. Come by after closing. I’ll leave the delivery entrance open... after six. THE COUNTESS: (Threatening.) If you cross... LEE: Me? Never. Hey... it’s all yours. I’m more partial to the work of Roy Lichtenstein.

SONG #8A: ODE TO THE CROOKED ROAD (REPRISE) THE COUNTESS, BRADDLE SOUND CUE 34

BRADDLE and THE COUNTESS: YES, WE LOVE DOING CRIME DARE TO MESS WITH US AND YOUR LIFE AIN’T WORTH A DIME.

HAND TO GOD IT’S NO LIE COPY FOR US THE CROOKED ROAD IS THE ONLY WAY TO FLY TO FLY TO FLY

THE COUNTESS and BRADDLE exit stage left. LEE is left holding his bag of troubles. SOUNDNOT CUE 35: Musical interlude #5. Blackout.

ACT ONE, SCENE 10

SETTING:DO College Classroom. Next day.

AT START: LEE, JAMES and FREEMOULT are standing in the classroom. STUDENTS are dressed in togas. On the white board large bold letters read “Mythology Toga Party.” The room is decorated with posters of famous Greek figures, both fictional and real.

NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 55

LEE: (Frenetically lamenting.) And she wouldn’t give me back my ring. And on top of that I’ve got the police and two thugs after me... well actually a thug and a thugly. JAMES: (To LEE, sotto.) You didn’t say anything about anyone being after you. FREEMOULT: Well, the class and I did some research and discovered that there were many mythological and even human figures that were victimized by Venus, the Goddess of Love. Also known as Aphrodite. LEE: What do you mean by “victimized?” JAMES: Didn’t she come out of the ocean? FREEMOULT: Many have pondered that notion.

SONG #9: OH, MY GODDESS! FREEMOULT, LEE, JAMES, ENSEMBLE SOUND CUE 36

FREEMOULT: (Spoken in Limerick.) IT’S TRUE THAT ZEUS HAD A DAUGHTER COPY WHO WAS SAID TO COME OUT OF THE WATER FROM CRONOS PENIS EMERGED OUR DEAR VENUS AND MANY GOOD MEN SINCE HAVE SOUGHT HER

LEE: (Spoken.) What about the ring and the Goddess of Love?

FREEMOULT: (Spoken in Limerick.)NOT THE GODDESS OF LOVE’S A MISNOMER NOT UNKNOWN TO ALL THOSE WHO HAVE KNOWN HER HER TRICKS AND HER LIES BROUGHT MUCH PAIN AND DEMISE SO OLD ZEUS WAS OBLIGED TO DISOWN HER DO LEE: OH MY GODDESS THINK OF WHAT SHE’S DOIN’ OH MY GODDESS SURE TO BE MY RUIN I KNOW I BROUGHT HER BACK TO LIFE AND SO SHE WANTS TO BE MY WIFE

56 OH, MY GODDESS!

As the song progresses STUDENTS filter into the classroom and join in Greek chorus style.

FREEMOULT: (Spoken in Limerick.) SO ZEUS GAVE HER HAND TO HEPHESTUS A GOD WHO JUST NEVER IMPRESSED US IN WHIM AFTER WHIM SHE CHEATED ON HIM WITH SIN AFTER SIN, HEAVEN REST US!

PSYCHE MATCHED VENUS’ BEAUTY MAKING VENUS ALL JEALOUS AND MOODY BUT PSYCHE, NOT STUPID GOT COZY WITH CUPID GIVING VENUS A PAIN IN HER BOOTY

LEE and ENSEMBLE: OH MY GODDESS FULL OF SOUND AND FURY OH MY GODDESS NOW MY JUDGE AND JURY ON OLYMPUS SHE DOES DWELL THOUGH -- IT MIGHT AS WELL BE HELL COPY

FREEMOULT, LEE and ENSEMBLE: (Spoken in Limerick.) HER TEMPER WAS KNOWN TO BE VILE AT HEARTACHE SHE’D JUST CRACK A SMILE SHE ABUSED WHO SHE WED AND LEFT MANY FOR DEAD 'TILL EVERYONE DREADED HER STYLE NOT AN APPLE WAS USED IN THE PLOY TO GIVE HELEN TO PARIS OF TROY THE WAR DID BEGIN A WOODEN HORSE THEY TOOK IN SOON THERE WASN’T MUCH TROY TO ENJOY DO LEE and ENSEMBLE: OH MY GODDESS LIGHTNING PASSES THROUGH HER OH MY GODDESS RUE THE DAY I KNEW HER OH, SHE CAUSES STORM AND STRIFE BUT KNOW SHE’LL NEVER BE MY WIFE

The music quiets and vamps as LEE and FREEMOULT speak. NOAH MARGO & PHILIP MARGO 57

LEE: Can we get back to the ring? FREEMOULT: In ancient Rome a young man slipped his ring on a statue of Venus and couldn’t get it back... JAMES: Like Lee. I mean Lee’s friend. LEE: So, what happened? FREEMOULT: And also, like your friend, Venus showed up and announced their betrothal. LEE: Deja Vu all over again. FREEMOULT: So a magician told this tortured soul that the goddess would never cease to trouble him unless he could get the ring back. JAMES: Deja vu two point O. LEE: Did he get it back? FREEMOULT: The magician gave the man an Olympian talisman to give to Saturn at some mythical crossroad in Hades and then Saturn would command Venus to return the ring. LEE and JAMES: Did she? FREEMOULT: Yes, but remember we’re talking about mythology. COPY The music stirs back up. SOUND CUE 37: OH, MY GODDESS!, Part 2

LEE and ENSEMBLE: OH MY GODDESS CURSE THE DAY I MET HER OH MY GODDESS NOT WISH I COULD FORGET HER AND THOUGH, SHE CAUSES STORM AND STRIFE OH NO SHE’LL NEVER BE MY WIFE NEVER BE MY WIFE NEVER BE MY WIFE NEVER BEDO MY WIFE NEVER BE MY WIFE!

SOUND CUE 38: Thunder. SFX: Flash of lightning. A lone spotlight catches LEE looking up toward the heavens in despair.

58 OH, MY GODDESS!

Thank you for reading this free excerpt from:

OH, MY GODDESS! Book by Noah Margo & Philip Margo Music & Lyrics by Philip Margo, Noah Margo & Mitch Margo (With additional songs by Stephen Friedland)

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